Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 370 - Cass Keeley

Episode Date: April 20, 2015

Comedian Cass Keeley joins us to talk high school graduation, tech support, and thumb cinema.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 370 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who wants to remind you that we are doing a live podcast May 9th. May the 9th be with you.

Good. That works all month. At the Rio Theater, Mr. Dave Shumka. That's right. It is benefiting our friend Pat Plaszek, raising money to get him some cancer treatment in Seattle. Big time stuff. Yeah, he's going to get some tossed salads and scrambled eggs. Oh, yeah. The treatment involves throwing a fish at you in a market. Yep.

Joining an alternative band. Yeah, you crowd surf. And then... Microsoft. Yeah. Ichiro. And you can buy tickets at riotheatertickets.ca. Cool.

Yeah. And our guest here today, a first-time guest on the podcast, very funny comedian, Miss Cass Keeley hello how are you I'm good how are you oh we're fine thanks for asking yeah oh good um should we get to know us yeah so Cass hello welcome thank you so. Are you the youngest person ever on this show? You might be. I am 19. 19, but how old was Sophie when she was a kid? I don't remember. She is a year older than me. Okay, but was she on a year ago? Maybe. What about Nima? Okay. Nima is older than me. Okay, so you're the youngest. I've gauged it. Born in 96? 95. Okay. What was going on in 95? Oh, the Jerky Boys movie. Are you named after a character in the Jerky Boys movie? Yes.

I don't remember anything of 1995. What was 9-11 like for you? It was not... I watched a lot of Pinky and the Brain around that time, so I don't really remember 9-11. Okay, fair enough. I remember, like, now, I know about it. You remember now? What's now like?

Well, no, she remembers to never forget. I know every 9-11 I think about. But, like, don't you... Not to dwell on 9-11 right off the bat. Dave always likes to get everybody's take on 9-11 right off the bat dave always likes to get everybody's take but like when i was five or six i remember the challenger blowing up i guess i remember a little bit but not like i don't have a like oh where were you when you heard right because i was just like in probably kindergarten. Oh yeah.

Wow. Yeah. Weird. What year did you, well, you said you graduated high school last year? Almost two years ago. Okay. 2013. 2013.

What was the, what was the big song in 2013? Call Me Maybe? Yes. People loved that. But I'm from a very small town in Alberta. So our like Grand March grad songs. Wait a minute. Okay.

Oh, boy. Stop. Was it country music? What is Grand March? What is Grand March? Okay. There's a lot of Mormons at the place that I am from. Okay. It's a town.

Yeah. It's not a secret. I've been to this town. Pinter Creek. Pinter Creek. I lived there when I was a teenager working on the rigs. town. Yeah. It's not a secret. I've been to this town. Pinter Creek. Pinter Creek. I lived there when I was a teenager working on the rigs. Okay. Yeah.

So I know of this town. Did you ever work on the rigs? I did not. I left a week after grad, so I didn't really have an opportunity to get involved in the oil industry. Oh, you missed out? I did. Yeah.

So there's a lot of Mormons who live in Pinter Creek. We weren't allowed to dance. Not Footloose style. There was a citywide ordinance of dancing. I was Billy Elliot. No, it was not like that at all. It was just a public school and all of the teachers were Mormons. Okay.

Most of them. So they said no school dances because people will touch each other and it's gross because of God. So we had to go to the catholic school dance every year okay where they are just grinding yeah it was filthy over there um the only thing we were allowed to do was at grad we had a grand march which is like a choreographed thing in town hall where it's just like this sounds like a nightmare were there like flag waving or uniforms or uh it was i'm imagining a marching band basically yeah that's what i'm did you have to wear one of those tall hats with a feather it was very very much like that yes so tell us take us through this choreographed dance uh okay you five six seven eight wasn't a dance dancing is illegal oh that's right we weren't allowed to dance it was a march okay um you were with your

partner and which was who you were forbidden to touch you could not touch them uh what about the buddy system are you allowed to yeah yeah it was very much like kids allowed to hold hands when they're on a field trip no because that could lead to all sorts of chicanery my best friend in high school her dad was a baptist pastor and she was grounded for a month for holding hands at uh god camp or bible camp not god camp i'm so unreligious it's because of the people at God Camp. They were gossiping. Exactly. Gossiping with a pastor. Oh, yeah.

So, you and your partner. My partner. Did you swing your partner? No, they didn't touch. Oh, well, we were allowed to link arms because God is still with that. Right. What about a do-si-do? Because there's no touching.

Now, that's true. Yeah, we had to dance with them after the Grand March, but in like a two-step one. Oh, I want to dance with somebody. He did that. I want to be on the heat with somebody. They would never play that song. It's too sexy. It's way too sexy.

Oh, I want to dance with somebody. I didn't hear that song until after I left town. Too sexy. Okay, what song were you dancing? There was like several songs. The Grand March lasted longer than any Grand March ever should. I think it was like four songs. How long did the Grand March last?

I don't know. It should never happen. It's really the first thing. How long did your Grand March last? Yeah, it was two songs. Who was in your Grand March massness braskets? Brisket bucket. What four songs?

Like what kind of songs? Are these like marching songs? No, no These were songs that the like boys That I went to high school with Thought were good There was one Oh, can we Will we know them?

Yeah, yeah A couple of them maybe not They're like Dierks Bentley Or like Gross New Country Oh, I love Dierks Bentley Okay're like Dierks Bentley or like Gross New Country. Oh, I love Dierks Bentley. Okay. I love Dierks Bentley. I love George Canyon.

I'm okay with George Canyon. The Rascal Flats, that's all I know. Oh, yeah. The Rascal Flats. I love Big and Rich. I love Rich Solo. Wow. So you might know these songs more than I do.

Oh, yeah. Big time country guy from way back. I boot scoot and boogie. That was the song we had to learn how to two-step to. Okay, the other thing. You're not allowed to have school dances, but you have to have one month of every year in gym classes devoted to dancing. Yeah. But not in a sexy dancing way.

Oh, no, ours was. Yeah, we went to Lombada dance. We just reenacted the dance from Dirty Dance. A lot of kids hurt themselves trying to do that jump. In our class, we actually, we each were given a pole. And we all had maneuvers to maneuver our tushies. So some new country. And what else?

There was the one song that was like, damn it, I'm not going to be able to remember it. It's from like older than my parents' generation. Gross. Exactly. And my parents are like. The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy? Company B? Yes. Was it Brahms?

Yo, was it Brahms? You got some Brahms up in here? I just want to shotgun some beers and listen to Brams. Listen to Brams in my Ram. Yeah. We're going to guess these songs. That's the rest of the episode is just figuring out what my Grand March songs were. With the one that's older than your parents, a country song?

Yeah, yes. Alright, fine. I don't care. I don't either. That's why I didn't retain that information. Graham, don't you

remember every song from when you graduated? Yeah, I remember it was that goddamn Vitamin C song. That was all I

heard. And what about Green Day? Green Day, Time of Your Life. That was around for our grad too. Did you march to it? No, grade 6 Day, time of your life. That was the fucking thing. That was around for our grad, too. Did you march to it?

No, grade six grad was time of your life. Okay. Wait, you had a graduation for grade six? Yeah, a lot of kids don't graduate high school. I'm sorry. This is the only chance. You got to make your own hat. You did a class ring made out of tinfoil.

We got hoodies for grade six grad. You got what? Hoodies. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's like class of... Class of 07, maybe? Do you still have that hood? And does it have everyone's signatures?

My dad recently threw it out. Signatures in there? It does. The back of the hoodie is everyone's signatures. And I was still... That could be anyone's signatures. I was dotting my I's with a heart at that point. As you do.

Wait a minute. Was it Cassidy? Yeah. It was... Yeah, that is my full with a heart at that point. As you do. Wait a minute. Was it Cassidy? Yeah. It was, yeah, that is my full name. Cassidy? Yeah. Is that Cassarin? It's Cassarol.

Cassarol? Cassarol. Yeah. That would be way cooler. I dot that with a heart. I dot that with a lasagna. Named after our favorite dish. Chicken casserole.

Here's my sister buffalo wings. after our favorite dish so and then Buffalo wings as soon as high school is done that was it you got the fuck out I pulled that's a really common story with guests of ours with the with the small town yeah and then like see you later stinked in basically I left it was very I'd planned to move for most of my junior high and high school career. Not just the career, but like planning to move when you're 12. There it goes. I gotta get out of this town. I had. It's fine.

Did anybody else leave? No. One kid went to God camp. One kid's with God. And then one went to camp. I can't remember who it was. It's all unclear. In England for like a bit.

And then she recently followed me and lives in Abbotsford now. Oh. Well, my life is better. It's fine. They've got their own airport. Yeah. She could fly into Vancouver and we could go for coffee. No, I don't think you fly between the two.

Oh, I would recommend that she does. I don't want to drive out there. Yeah, and I'll meet you at the airport for coffee and then you go, oh, yummy. I'll take the Canada line. Yeah, so no, everyone stayed. Most of them went to university in Calgary or Lethbridge, or they just started working at the bank. Oh, cool.

Yeah, a lot of money in Alberta. While always hiring. Is it a job you can get just with a high school diploma? High school math? Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't have my money in a bank i know it's amazing to me i went back uh at christmas this year and i was on new year's eve i was like with my dad and stepmom like drinking beer at home because i don't like the there's two bars in the town and they're both gross and just dumb yeah so

i was like no what is the which one's gross and which one's dumb? Okay, Leo's is gross. And the Alberta bar is dumb. The Alberta bar. This is state owned. I feel like they probably think it's classy. Oh, it's always empty because people are not good enough to go there. Right.

Because people are gross. Except on New Year's Eve though. That gotta be i see okay i decided well my best friend who lives there still right uh is a pretty she bullied me into coming out um and i'm incredibly weak so i went there you go at like 11 i drove into town and then uh i wasn't drinking because of driving. Sensible. You should work at a bank. Three of the girls that I went to high school with now work at banks. Really?

But they were the kids in the like, this is going to get really mean. In the non-advanced. Is this going to be the front page news of the newspaper? Yeah. Yeah, the Pinter Creekcher creek pinch yeah casserole slags bank lashing out against the credit union oh it's a credit union oh okay well then i that i can get we've got several banks in town slags slag would come back um the bank i go to people there don't seem particularly bright like oh no the lady that i got change for a hundred and she had to recount it three times and ask her supervisor

where this extra five dollars came from and i was like huh don't you guys handle my rsp like i never have to deal with a person but when i do they always try to sell me something like yeah and you want overdraft protection do you want to buy this car it's a photo of my car and the one time i felt bad for them and i was like okay i'll get the dumb overdraft protection and they put it on the wrong account okay an account i don't would never need overdraft protection yeah yeah i bought. I bought something from them one time. They were like, you can get all the free checks you need. And I was like, yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to throw so many parties, make so much check mix.

But then it was the other kind. Yeah. Also, the security guard of the bank, his role is just to open the door for people. He doesn't seem to do much security. Yeah. My bank is the fancy one in the Scotiabank in Yaletown. And I picked it because when I moved here. What's fancy about it?

Oh, we will get to that. The credit union doesn't translate to here. Okay. The Alberta one. Um, you used to be able to access it through Vancity and then they just shut that connection down. So then I got a job and then they were like, I need a place for the money. So I just wandered around Yaletown and chose the

sexiest looking branch. It's got a lot of big windows. They make you coffee when you get there. It's dark. There's club music. There's a light up. Velvet rope. Yes, exactly.

It's like kind of vibrating. Yeah. The ATM is just a mirror. Exactly. Um, yeah, that's a of vibrating. Yeah. The ATM is just a mirror. Exactly. Yeah, that's a good bank. Yeah. They got bank machines in all the 7-Elevens. They do.

So taquitos and cash. Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a good in-store promotion. They're kind of a bad, I don't know. I'm not going to drag them through the mud tube. Casserole slags bank again. Oh, goodness. through the mud too but I don't love it casserole slags bank again oh goodness yeah the

I don't know one time I went to my bank and they were wearing I think they were trying this out they were all wearing like polo

shirts like you know if you worked at Home Depot or something like Best Buy style yeah and I was like I'm not

don't love this put the ties back on like at least let's pretend that you guys know what you're doing because once we're down to polo shirt then it's just yeah that's it's shirt and tie no jacket no come on the how are you gonna know who the boss is yeah exactly he's the one with the little office he gets to wear the jacket and the ceremonial crown. RBC gives their employees special jackets. Oh, really? Like their flight attendants? Their flight attendants. They're all...

It's like that, though, because they have cardigans or, like, blazers. That are, like... They say RBC on them, and you have, like, everyone in them is wearing... I don't understand it. No. My work... I, like, worked at a store, and I had to go put money in the bank for them. And there was like a sexy guy named Thomas who would always like gently hit on me.

But I was always like, okay, I have to actually go back because the store is closed right now because I'm here. Right. So I just put that away. Really? Wow. What bank is this? It's the RBC in Kitsilano. Oh, wow.

Three banks through the mud already. Yeah. You've been a member of three banks? No, no. Oh, she's just ranking them by sexy, most eligible banks. Yeah. And it was just, I don't know. It was a weird experience.

I'm the member of my bank. The member of my bank? Uh-oh. I'm in my bank because when i was 16 my dad walked me up the hill it was like here's your bank this is your bank and it's got that like that's my home branch forever yeah i've been with the same bank but only no that's not true i started i think i started at rbc and then it's boring no but here's what happened and this was a weird thing that doesn't i don't know if this still goes on, but like

I went to go take money out and they were like, oh, it's not in your account right now. And I was like, what does that mean? And they're like, cause this is how they like explained to me the whole way a bank works. And I was like, but I want my money right now. It should be in your account. No. Yeah.

My bank is holding money from me right now, which is why I'm dragging their name through the mud. Why are they holding money from you? Because they hate me. Because I go on podcasts to talk about how terrible they are. Because they're not responsible. They're just sexy. You should have gone for a more stable, reliable thing.

I feel like everyone has a bank they're unsatisfied with but who cares? Yeah. Exactly. And everyone has a phone, like a cell phone provider

they're unhappy with and they're furious with them. Yeah, that's true. And, didn't like Netflix like just came out

with a thing that said that Canada is like a third world country when it comes to its internet providers. Oh. Because there's like three and they all just kind of conspire.

Your options are so, when I moved here and had to be a grown up person who paid bills, there's like the one fancy option, but they don't, they're not in any places downtown. It starts with an N. I don't remember what it is. Novus. That's it.

Yeah. And it wasn't in my building. So it was just like, that's off the table. You have to have char telus or just fuck yourself. Right. Yeah. And what did you have to do? Fuck yourself?

I did. Yeah. Just stick with the LTE. Yesterday I had to set up my dad's new cable box. Oh, fun. That's a field trip. It is a fun trip. And so I was on hold.

Does he get you to do it right away, or is there a little bit of chat beforehand and like... No, no, he's there the whole time. Oh, I know, but does it like you walk in the door and he just hands it to you, or he's like, oh, we have some leftover pie. It was Easter dinner the night before. Okay. And he was like, well, there it is.

And I was like, well, I can't do it now. I'm sure no one's working right now. I have to call them and have them set it up. But I did the big unveiling and everything. Yeah. And so I did it and I had like, it's just the levels of like calling customer service. And you need to be the person that you are representing yourself to be. So I had to lie and pretend to be my dad.

I've done that a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. So my bad. I've done that a lot yeah yeah uh yup so my back uh they check in their computer yeah he does

he complains about his back he just checks out he does watch the back channel a lot the lumbar channel um but just uh like

I had to talk to customer service for five minutes and the woman was like okay just some information, and then I'll put you on hold. And then she went and did some stuff and came back. And did that work? No?

Okay, I'm going to do some other stuff. I'll put you on hold. And that was great. She forgets to put you on hold, and you just hear her going like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Well, then she transferred me to tech support, and they apparently don't have a hold button and so the guy is just all

right i'm gonna do some other stuff and you just hear him typing yeah i want i want you to be i want to be on hold i don't want to hear oh i much prefer okay uh scratch scratch scratch yeah yeah um yeah i don't know. Yeah, you're right. Nobody's like happy with their cell phone. Anything. Yeah, with their anything. That's true. That's a separate issue.

But it's like nobody, do you know what I mean? Like sometimes like you'll be like, does anybody have a good dentist? And somebody will have a good dentist. Yeah. But nobody. Oh my God, it's the best. Yeah, nobody's like, oh, my phone company or my bank really does it for me. All of the essential services. What's that?

Because like dentistry and hairdressing and stuff, you can get away without doing, I guess, for a while. Like you need phone and internet most of the time. And a bank. That's true. If you choose on having a phone. Have you ever had a day where like you're in between phones or something or like where you haven't had a phone? I dropped my last one in the toilet at the comedy show after like such a great show and i wasn't drinking you were like you spiked it just celebration i have had so many like like not close calls but

just like oh i'm like not really holding my phone very well over a body of water yeah it's nothing that i've never dropped it i'm sure i will tomorrow uh but yeah it's like i hear facebook is just like my whole feed has always just been i need everybody's phone number again yeah or uh yeah uh gotta be off the don't have a phone for the next couple days, guys. Some people go off the grid for a while when they drop their phone. Yeah, because I think you think, like, this means something. I'm gonna, this is gonna be the first step in my new life. Like the universe has been like, you know what? Yeah.

But then what do you do? Like, what's your first day without being, having a phone? Like, what are you gonna, where are you gonna go? You don't know how to get anywhere. You've been using your phone all these years to get around lay down in the street help me yeah like start screaming until someone steps in yeah you have to dress up as an old man and act like you need help yeah that's the first step yeah that sounds okay yeah then what happens well you're uh there's some hidden cameras it's just for laughs, guys.

Jackasses involved. But yeah, like the one or two days where I just didn't have a phone. Or if you travel and you have to turn off roaming so you can't check anything. So then it just becomes useless. And it becomes just a... Piece of metal.

Yeah, like a can on a string all of a sudden. But you can still play games. Scrabble all day. Yeah, that's true. I guess I don't have any fun phone. Maybe that's what's wrong with my life. Yeah, get some fun phone games. I'm getting like, I start, I take off airplane mode like as we begin our descent.

Yeah. And it starts to work pretty early. Yeah, I wonder what the, when was that? Anyways, I don't want to get too deep into it. So you came out to Vancouver and you've been doing comedy for like, is it a full year? Yeah. Nice. And how's it going?

It's good. It's fun. I don't know. That didn't sound hesitant. Yeah. No, I love it. Obviously it's all of my dreams coming true, but there's a lot of bad stuff too. Like not bad, but just like, it's not all rainbows and butterflies.

I think it's also, I became an adult at the same time that I started to stand up. So maybe it's just being an adult is not as good as it seemed like it would be. What did you think it was going to be? When I first did stand up. That's how I knew I became a man. What did you think? Because you're close enough to the

barrier of what you thought adulthood would be and what you realize it is now. What did you think it was going to be? Non-stop fun? Non-stop fun. Magically, money is never an issue right weirdly i thought that wouldn't be a thing um you thought money as soon as you turn into an adult you're like money's just gonna take care of itself yeah okay all right it's partly okay i guess part of it is

like my dreams are fulfilled in the sense that like i eat chips for dinner sometimes okay sure yeah that's a big thing for me uh sometimes i stay up all night when i have to work the next day oh hey all right all right you nasty i get a little crazy but i mean there's also like the drugs and alcohol too that part which is a whole separate ballgame. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Different than eating chips for dinner and staying up watching The Rock. Yeah, you could drink a beer for dinner. Exactly. Do you keep in touch with people from high school? Yeah.

My parents. Do you know if like... Not a lot of friends. Your old classmates are like married or... One of them has twin babies. Okay. Wow. Slim, shady.

Exactly. Hotter than a twin baby right yep yeah that's exactly what it was like uh but he did them with it or he didn't do what he had the babies with uh a cool like british girl who's older than us so is he the one who went to God camp in Britain? He did and then he brought back twin babies. That's not what God said. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's a lot of that and people taking over their parents' branches. I don't know if I was a cool British lady if I was like, hey, let's move to my small town.

He lives in Tabor now too, which is gross. Tabor? Home of the corn and also it's the news uh it's the new footloose because they literally banned like dancing and swearing and oh yeah and like people being out late at night weren't they gonna like try and invite they wanted kevin bacon to come but did kevin bacon send them a message like you know that gross no thank you that was a a fictional thing, and you shouldn't be doing it in real life. So then they tried to get the guy from the remake.

He was like, no. Can we get the guy, the stunt double from the remake? Can we get the screenwriter from Footloose? You can just send over a producer. Tabor is the home of corn. Maze. What?

Corn like on the cob Yeah but Is there a corn maze there? No maze It's what First Nations people call corn I am aware of that But why did you say it's Why did you say it's We had never heard of corn

It's home of corn You know Oh not the rock band Not K-O-R-N Backwards R? Is it it backwards it's backwards all the letters are backwards except the o because oh speaking of uh corn the band 90s 90s alt rockers uh-huh remember uh last week i was talking about how i was in uh now he's about to mention a band you could have been conceived yeah i was in penticton and Marilyn Manson was playing there.

And then you heard the news that he was in Alberta. And got punched in the face. That's my favorite thing. Wouldn't you get somebody else from the band to pick up? Yeah, Zimzum, Twiggy Ramirez, one of the backup members of Marilyn Manson. Exactly. He called the His Attacker

He called his girlfriend A bitch I guess is how Right The shakedown started And then the bodyguards Wait who called Who's girlfriend a bitch

Marilyn Manson called His attacker's girlfriend A bitch He just unprovoked Like He was just like You Moons over my head

And your girlfriend's a bitch And then he started playing the claw game over in the corner it was when he was leaving listen there's a lot of beautiful people

in here but not her oh wow yeah oh let's hear let's hear you little

mansonites is that a thing or is that a type of luggage I think it's a mason you little Mansonites. Is that a thing? Or is that a type of luggage? I think a Masonite is a luggage. Samsonites. Nobody knows.

No, one guy does. Wow. So yeah, you made it. You've done it. Yeah, you made it. One year of comedy, you're here. You're doing it. I'm trying.

Yeah. It's good. No, comedy is great, you're doing it i'm trying yeah it's good uh no comedy is great and i love it um i do lots of shows which are good fine good and fun good and fun yeah and good and fun which show is good and which show is fun uh which show is gross and which show is dumb yeah which one's the sexiest sexiest show in town? Sexiest show? These aren't real questions. Yeah, you don't have to answer. Oh, no.

I want to know what the sexiest show is. Oh, what is the sexiest show in town? Probably some burlesque show that has... Rent Check maybe is the sexiest show. Oh, yeah. Or is that a... That amateur strip thing. I've never been. I went...

Where is that? The Astoria? Yeah, I did comedy at the Astoria the other day. Really? But I didn't Yeah, I did comedy at the Astoria the other day. Really? But I didn't strip. I just did jokes. But were you there during the rent check? Was there a girl in a shower booth next to you on stage? Yes, the entire time. So it was, jokes were hard.

But people didn't love what I was bringing to the table. What was the show? It's called Poke the Bear. it's like three comics are running it um there was uh what does that mean poke the bear

what is that is that a thing yeah disturbed wake the sleeping disturbed oh okay I don't know

thing mess with animals we're all we're all out of show names uh said stop podcasting yourself

there was six people in the crowd. Okay. And three, four of those people belong to one of the showrunner's family. Oh, fun. So. So the showrunner was like, I think tonight's the night to bring down the family. Call in the troops. Yeah.

Show them I'm doing really well. There was an eccentric older couple who just hated what I was doing. How do you know? Did they let you know? Uh, he kept, uh, talking about God. Oh. Cause I, I dropped the mic stand right off the get go and I said, Jesus Christ. And then he was like, yeah, it's his day and pointed out.

Oh, it was his day. And I was like, yeah, through Easter. That's fair. Yeah. Give it up for JC. Yeah. And then I made them all do the that's fair. Give it up for JC. Yeah. And then I made them all do the wave for God. They did not partake.

It sucks when you try to start a wave and nobody goes for it. There was one hot guy who kept wandering in and out, but he was like casually texting the whole time. So he also didn't love what I was bringing. He's nagging. He was, yeah. And then after I got off stage, I was like, where's that mean hot guy? Where's the mean guy?

Did he hate what I did? Nagging is, somebody said it in a conversation and I didn't know what it meant. It's when a guy says something negative about somebody. I think so. It's when you're in grade three. It's from the game. Okay, but that's what it is though, right? It's like saying something mean?

It's from the... There's a book called The Game. Oh, the How I Met Your Mother guy, right? No, other show. Is it a different show? No, it's a real guy. It's Barry... Wait for it. How I Met Your Mother's a real guy. It's Barry... Wait for it.

How I Met Your Mother. Legendary thing. It's very legendary. No, it's... Some guy. Neil Strauss wrote it. Neil Strauss. Oh, it's a real person.

It's a real person. About the mystery. The guy who wears all the weird hats and stuff. Who teaches people to be pickup artists. Oh, gross. Yeah. And one of them is, you know,

badmouth the girl. And yeah, people, it's a real thing that people try to do. So you go up and you go, nice face.

And they go, ooh. Yeah. You can also do backhanded. Mr. Manson. Your girlfriend's a bitch. Yeah.

Him and the boyfriend start dating because he's like yeah that was good i liked how you named mean answer uh yeah but i don't understand what the law i don't understand the logic is it uh people are awful is the logic okay and it's like it's uh exploit that awfulness yeah yeah because it makes girls it the whole thing is that they want you to like want more of them so they're like the girl's like oh he's unattainable because he's an asshole yeah so then if she tries to like be it's basically like yeah i would never get

noticed by these women but over there yeah well then i can instantly make them want me using this magic trick i think they're going with the like any publicity is good public like at least i'm being talked about thing right where like the girl could go back to her friends and be like could you believe what that guy said but then they're all like looking at him don't don't don't look at him don't don't give him the satisfaction and he's waving you're all ugly um there was a guy uh like a local guy that does that like does seminars oh yeah and he was on i feel like it was like on some local blog like a guy interviewed him for did you watch that no but i saw some press coverage of him oh that guy is an uncomfortable dude. Yeah, he just walks up to women on the street

who are shopping or just walking around. On their phones and don't see them coming. That's part of it. The element of surprise. You catch them off guard. It's a huge part of nighting. Knock the phone out of their head. Dumb message.

Stupid friends. Get some real friends. Get some Farm Stupid friends. Get some real friends. Get some Farmville friends. Isn't it also, though, like you do, you learn how to do a magic trick? Yeah. That that's peacocking? That's another one of the words. Peacocking is like wearing the craziest clothes.

The magic trick is I might just be called magic trick. Oh, it might be called ab trick oh it might be called um abracadabra oh gross but it's supposed to uh there's a guy in town that's uh that does comedy he used to do he used to make a rose out of a napkin give it to a lady is he a busker as well? He might be. Okay. Is he who I'm thinking of? Yes, he is. Okay. I know who it is. But anyways, I think it must have worked once. Because why would you keep doing that?

It worked the first time. He got to sleep with a girl. And then he just does it every other time. Yeah. I don't know. I think if I had a successful, you know, even if it was a thing like I'd just be like what did I wear that day what did I eat

yeah try and recreate it yeah like a superstitious person yeah yeah I'm wearing this filthy

suit cause I can't wash it I don't know what's the same pregame meal yeah I have to watch the same episode

of X-Files before I leave the house. Ooh, I love that one. Yeah, I don't know. But it must work because these guys have like fucking seminars and stuff. I think it worked better before women knew what it was. Before it was like publicized and someone was like, we're putting it in a book. When it was just like, oh, that guy's kind of mean but sexy.

I've said sexy like a hundred times. He's also dressed like a peacock what's that about yeah they wonder and he also did a crazy he made my lipstick disappear when i was in elementary school there was a substitute uh named madame peacock what that's not real and she brought a peacock feather with her this is the only thing i remember about her i think we've had her i may she may have been my substitute three times in all of elementary school i do not remember a single other substitute teacher my entire life no she kind of she was peacocking and it totally worked yeah i guess if you went to a dance club and somebody had an actual peacock with them, you would be like, I want to know more. Yo, is that flightless?

I've got questions. Yeah. If I sleep with you, are you going to make me eggs in the morning out of peacock eggs? Yeah. And are they special colors? Oh, man. Yeah, that would work. Green green and blue i would sleep with that person well i mean at least just to scratch it off your bucket list yeah sleep with a peacock

farmer uh uh dave what's going on with you man very much i think we covered me. I, you know, I sat on my dad's cable. Did you have a very good Easter? Yeah, it was great. Did, what did we do? Did you eat ham? We ate, we ate. I'm sorry, but this is coming up two weeks after Easter. Nah, it's fine.

People still have fond memories. Growing up, I did not like the Easter food. Okay. What was Easter food? My uncle would make ham with maraschino cherries and pineapples in the side of it. That's, to me, that's the picture of ham. And there would be curried fruit, which is out out of a fifties cookbook. Yeah.

Uh, but everyone in my family loves all of that stuff. Okay. And I would complain year after year. And then, and then like 10, 15 years ago, we switched over to Turkey. Yeah.

And then this year, both. Oh, that's fun. Sure. Cause I always, somebody, uh,

I said like, oh, you're having Easterter because i always thought easter dinner was ham and then somebody said no i'm having turkey and i was like no easter's ham's only time to shine yeah you're doing it wrong yeah because like turkey is christmas and whatever other things thanksgiving thanksgiving so they've it's turkey's got two days and every club sandwich yeah you can do turkey a hundred% of the time if you want. But you can't do a giant roast of it with stuffing.

No, that's true. I wish. You're an adult. You can do whatever you want. I should buy a turkey. You could buy and stuff and roast a turkey every week. I am an adult, and I love to cook, and I love turkey. I've never once cooked a turkey.

No. There's no reason to. It's a creepy thing to do. But wouldn't it be amazing? I like to show up at a club with just a giant cooked roast turkey. I like to just show up with the drippings so they know that there's a turkey somewhere. I'm making gravy. I'm mixing in some whatever you use to make gravy.

Yeah. Flour. Bread. Old bread. Corn'm making gravy. I'm mixing in some whatever you use to make gravy. Yeah. Flour. Bread. Old bread. Corn. Maize. Maize, for those of our listeners who don't know what corn is. So that was it.

Oh, but the, yeah, the ham was really, really great. Like I hated the ham growing up. Oh, that skin. Oh, I can see why they make footballs out of that stuff. I can see why football is such a popular sport. Everyone wants to lick that ball. After dinner, you just stuff the skin and then go to the backyard and throw it around. Yeah.

So crispy? Yeah. Did you do an Easter thing? We all got concussions. No, I did not. My family is mostly in Alberta. My family is like mostly in Alberta. Did they? Oh, is that right?

Yeah. Whereabouts? Did they mail you any ham? Did you get any ham in the mail? I got a package of, yeah, meats, assorted meats.

Oh, assorted meats. That's very nice. I would call the cops if I got it in the mail. No, and then my mom's in Victoria, but she doesn't care about God or holidays.

Fair enough. So, yeah. But she doesn't want to, she just doesn't want to cook a dinner. No, exactly. She loves God, hates cooking. Yeah. She's like, yeah, no, I like the whole idea. I just don't like the holidays.

The Jesus thing is cool. I mean, I don't care how much of an atheist you are. Those eggs are delicious. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Totally. Yeah. What, like a mini? A Cadbury?

I didn't have a mini this whole time. That's all I've had. I've been on a steady mini diet. But I don't like- Can you tell by the weight I've- Yeah. Are you on the mini egg cleanse? I don't like the big Cadbury eggs with the cream.

Yeah. Oh, it's disgusting. It's too sweet. Too much. Yeah. And I also bought like. But it looks good. They do them in a blizzard or a McFlurry.

It looks good. I bought like a day after bunny and I had one bite of it was so gross. I threw it out. It just, it was too. I was like, well, I only paid 50 cents for this. And it doesn't feel right going into my head. So I canceled. It's a fun experiment.

Yeah. Well, maybe next year. They don't sell the. What about a peep? Ew. Gross. Yuck. Yuck.

At the cost of everyone's time, they should go out of business. Some people like them. I don't care. Some people must like them. Yeah, some people. You don't care. So They should go out of business. Some people like them. Some people must like them. Yeah, some people... You don't care, so they should go out of business. Some people drink nothing but Mountain Dew, you know what I mean? Yeah.

That's true. I eat chips for dinner. When I was in... What kind of chips? All dressed? Recently, on one of the... In the past week, I've eaten a bag of all dressed chips for dinner. Yeah, that seems like a good dinner.

Do you put them in a bowl And like pour milk on them I do Cereal style That's what I serve guests to Yeah Oh I didn't know Company was coming over

Make sure you get some Doritos Doritos or a ruffle When I was in Speaking of People drinking Nothing but Mountain Dew When I was in

Palm Springs A little while ago I went to Ralph's Little grocery store Okay What's that people drinking nothing but Mountain Dew. When I was in Palm Springs a little while ago, I went to Ralph's, a little grocery store. Okay, what's that? It's a grocery store. Go on.

It's a grocery store named after a word for vomit. Yeah. But there was a guy in line behind me and he was buying two liters of diet mountain dew oh yeah and i got on my phone to take a picture of him he's like don't bother i'm a vampire and not of him of them and i was like slyly taking a picture of these, you know, what is it? 18 liters of Mountain Dew.

Of diet Mountain Dew. And I was going to take a picture and post it on Instagram and write, well, at least it's diet or something dumb and condescending. And snarky. Sassy. And then the flash went off. That's the worst. And then the flash went off. That's the worst.

And so I think I probably have a photo of like some blurry, uh, bottles. And then I went, Oh, what seems to be the problem there? Oh, uh, I was taking a picture of my crotch.

So you all had to see that. Uh, so what's going on with you, Montferrat? Um, what is going on with you, mon frere? What is going on with me? Oh, well, this past week, for the first time in forever, I saw an ex of mine. Oh.

Whoa. Oh, my God. I haven't seen her for years. And I just saw her walking down the street. From Vancouver? From Vancouver, yeah. Oh, my God. I haven't seen her for years. And I didn't really, like, I just saw her walking down the street. From Vancouver? From Vancouver, yeah. Oh, God. And she looked amazing.

Like, she has not aged a second. And how have you aged? Not well. Not well, my friend. I look, yeah, I look like I could have been the guy in that relationship's father. So, yeah, it didn't feel great. Did you talk to her? No.

Did you hide? No, she was across the street. But did you hide? I mean, I didn't go out of my way to flag her down. I was like, oh, I hope she doesn't see me. Anyway, so that was weird because uh you know i don't know like you don't see some people sometimes if she had seen you what would she have thought like is that guy wearing an animated graham clark suit

is that a graham clark themed costume from a Graham Clark theme park? I don't know. I don't know. I haven't, like, it's the only person that I've ever broken up with that I don't have any contact with. Oh. So I don't know what, you know, I don't know what she's doing. I don't know what she's up to. Walking down the street.

She's walking down the street. She was carrying a yoga mat. Oh. So she's fit. She's fit. Oh, absolutely. She walking down the street. She was carrying a yoga mat. Oh, she's fit. She's fit. Oh, absolutely. That's amazing.

Yeah. She looks great. She hasn't aged a second. Uh, yeah. Good for her. I mean, I look great from across the street. That's true.

You could have gone up and it's just been a mess. A horror show. Yeah. Who knows? Yeah, that's true. But then she would have seen the, the horse show on this end.

So it was better just to keep the mystery alive. Oh, I broke up with her by telling her I was dead. I sent her a letter saying I got shipped off to war. By the time you read this, I'm dead. I was shipped off to war as a... I'm the guy that... As a target. as a I'm the guy that As a target. Yeah.

I'm the guy that shoot out of the cannon. Human cannonball. To let the other side know I deliver the letter of war. I'm the messenger that you shoot. Yeah.

Sincerely yours. Great. So that happened this week. And then Did you really break up with her? No, she broke up with me. Okay. Yeah, good.

That's hard. And then I told you the other day that I was doing this because you had referenced these dumb thumb thumb movies and then i started watching one and then i ended up watching like four of them and they're not short do you know but they're they're not feature length no but they're longer than they do you know these movies they are familiar they're like i think there's a they they okay i only know them from the box covers At Blockbuster Oh they're actually like released

Like it's on a web No this was before the web Oh is it really? Well not before the web but before like web video Oh okay Like there was a Blair Witch Project one Which was from like 2000 I've seen the Blair Witch Project.

Well, have you seen the Blair Thumb Project? No. Blair Witch was your graduation dance theme. Everyone's standing in a corner. We only had three classmates. There was a Star Wars one, a Batman one, Batthumb. You might be familiar.

Godfather. Thumbfather? Yeah, Thumbfather. Watch the Star Wars one. All the stars of them are thumbs. They're thumbs. That makes sense. It would be weird if it was just...

I don't know. It doesn't make sense that someone did that in their life. It just makes sense that there's thumbs in the movie with thumbs in the title. Yeah. And I didn't realize that they were old things. I thought they were something that happened last year.

Are they older than me? What's that? Are they older than me? What year were you born again? 95? No, they're younger than you. Sorry. Sorry.

I know that's kind of your thing. I do like to own that, but. That'll be yours forever. But yeah, anyways, I didn't understand why it exists. So you would go and rent a half hour long thing? I'm guessing the people renting these were obnoxious 10 year old boys like myself unfortunately i was 20 when they came out uh and and you didn't have any 10 year old friends um and the uh yeah and like a half hour whatever yeah i'm renting you know one of the dorf movies and do you know what that is

there's no way this episode should be called do you know what that is i feel like a real kid right now no you shouldn't because we shouldn't know what dorf is it was made for our grandparents i know but as 10 year olds we saw the commercials and we're like oh well, this is pretty good. Are you going to tell me or do I just have to? Yeah, no, it's a series of hilarious instructional golf videos. Yeah. Okay.

Featuring. Not all golf. Oh, yeah, he did baseball. Yeah. So the lesser sports. Yeah, but the whole gag was that he was a guy like standing on his knees, so he looked like a short guy. Oh, wait, is it dwarf or dwarf?f no it's a word that sounds like dwarf yeah it's dorf but it's supposed to hit d-o-r-f was that he was he was a

well a dwarf but not he was just a guy on his knees that had like shoes tim conway you know what i'm talking about what is the uh this episode like what am i gonna write as the episode like? What am I going to write as the description? Like, we had a child on and we told her who Tim Conway was. But this is the... But we shouldn't know who Tim Conway is. That's true.

It's not like it's like, oh, that's our, you know, your generation's Tim Conway. Who would that be oh i want to know oh man oh boy david spade why i don't know he's kind of short but like nobody i guess nobody releases instructional comedy videos anymore because that's not a you know who our our kim conway is it's steve odekirk the guy who makes the thumb movies now is that is he related to bob it's a different last name completely oh wow okay odin kirk right bob yes yeah you know i do all right um anyway so i watched a bunch of those and well they're fine but i don't i just didn't understand

why they exist but you knew you we were chatting as you were started watching one and you said i'm gonna watch all of them i just haven't got around to watching all of them oh you have okay well don't you know where they are yeah so just stop all right which ones did you watch bad thumb uh-huh thumb wars uh Wars, and The Godfather. And it's all thumbs. Yeah, it's all thumbs. But it's like, it's well done, but I just don't, I just don't like. Can't a movie about thumbs really be well done though?

As far as a movie about, well, it's not about thumbs. It's just starring. It's starring though. Yeah. But like, they're well, I just, yeah. Until you told me that they were released on video like i couldn't concede because they're half an hour long and they're on youtube and i was like but what why why does this exist i didn't wiki it i just decided to just not know you know keep a

little mystery in my life yeah i saw them in blockbuster what you know 15 years ago right and didn't think about them for 15 years. And in the last few weeks, that's all I could think about. But I won't watch them. Also this week, you posted a picture of you in the background of an episode of Party of Five. Oh, yeah. That was great. Yeah, that was the first episode of Party of Five.

Did you... I just saw that Party of Five is now on Netflix. And I was like, oh, I was in the pilot episode of that. Let's pull that up. Wow. But like, was that a big day at the school? Oh, yeah. It was a Saturday.

And you had to apply to get in. Okay. And they only took so many students. And I wasn't on the list. And I just showed up anyway. And I still got paid. I filled out the paperwork. Yeah.

And the whole day I remember being like, I'm going to get caught. I'm going to get caught. They know I don't belong here. Yeah. It's not a good look for an extra. I've been stealing so many Dr. Peppers from craft service.

And some kids got pulled away to be in a classroom scene which ended up just being of their shoes. Like a panning shot of everyone in the classroom's feet. Your feet look great. Come with us. Yeah. You, you, you, and you.

And then there's me walking behind this dude with nice hair. Yeah. He's the dude from Empire Records, which is a movie that came out around the time of your birth. Now, here's a question. What was Party of Five? Because I never watched that show. There, I didn't either.

Yeah, like I knew of it. I knew, what's her name? Nev Campbell. Uh-huh. And the other guy, Matthew Fox. Uh-huh. And Scott Wolf. The family had a wolf and a fox.

But I don't know that I know what it was. I think they were their parents died there were a family of five children whose parents died and i think the oldest brother adopted them all so that's the thing that happens so they could all stay together yeah you're the oldest do you want to adopt your brother there's no way they suck he was an adult at this point yeah okay so then he comes back yeah saddled with four kids and they didn't shoot the rest they suck. He was an adult at this point. I'm out. Yeah. Okay. So then he comes back and gets saddled

with four kids. And they didn't shoot the rest of the series here. Oh, you were just, just the pilot? Yeah, one and done.

Wow. Huh. I blame myself. Were you in anything else as a child actor? I was not a child actor? I was not a child actor I was an extra in like two other things And I never saw them

Okay One was like a Disney movie Yeah About It was a version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame About a football player called The Halfback of Notre Dame We got subway at night You heard that?

You saw that? I don't know if I remember I saw it years ago wow that's amazing um i just remember at one point like i they tell you where to walk as an extra and i was walking across this courtyard and it was took place at like a catholic school and there was a nun walking and they the they told me to walk this direction they gave me a path and walk at this speed. And they told this woman to walk at this direction and at this speed. And we walked right into each other from like a hundred feet apart.

And we both could see it on our faces like, we're following orders, but we will collide. Oh man, that's good. I'm just so, like, I was afraid to rock the boat. Or just to change my speed or, you know. Yeah. I was in an episode of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, the TV show. Oh, yeah. It was that took place at, like, a rollercade.

So we just had to, like, roller skate around for, like, seven hours. It was exhausting. And terrible, because roller skates are really hard to stand on for more than, like, 15 minutes, and then you go play video games and then take them off, right? Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Seven hours of roller skating.

Sounds terrible. It was terrible. How were your calf muscles after that? Oh, huge. Toned. Yeah, so good. That sounds terrible. It was terrible. How were your calf muscles after that? Oh, huge. Toned. Yeah, so good. Oh, man. Oh, and everybody's

wearing polyester because it took place in the 70s. Oh. So it just smelled terrible. Super sweaty. Yeah, I don't see many

like workouts that involve like how much should I be roller skating? You hear the roller skating hints, secrets that not every dummy knows. Here's how you truly get your thighs

you know, milky white. Do you want to move on to overheards? Yeah. Alright. Hello buddies, I'm Travis McElroy. And I'm Andy Bolt. And we're the hosts of Bunker Buddies. We're a podcast where we're amateur survivalists and we talk about things like the apocalypse. And we talk about zombies and preparedness. What are you going to wear when it's the apocalypse?

And you have no idea if you don't listen to our show. It comes out every Wednesdays on MaximumFun.org and on iTunes. Sometimes we try weird foods or we talk about where to camp or how to avoid getting eaten or any of these things. Yeah, so listen to us because it might just save your life. We'll see you in the bunker. Bye. Welcome to Oh No, Ross and Carrie. Ross.

Hi, Carrie. What do you think is creepier? Okay. You jump into a swimming pool. All of a sudden, the water goes away and instead of water there is the bones of your dead ancestors or our show that's pretty tough because we visited a live exorcism we joined the ordo templi orientis where we had to worship a naked lady oh and we joined that tony alamo cult they were scary super creepy we joined the ethereal society we tried penis enlargement or

at least i did boy i tried breast enlargement we have basically done every creepy weird fringe thing except for thousands more which we will get to if you listen to our show i'd still say the swimming pool with my ancestors bones well and i don't even know if people should listen i guess they shouldn't but if you want to we're at maximum fun and the show's called on a ross and carrie overheard overheards now uh this is a segment where we like to hear things and uh report them back now we just as we went on break dave remembered that he was supposed to be a body double for jon Taylor Thomas. And you were in something too. I was in Desolation Sound with Jennifer Beale. Jennifer Beale

is from Dirty Dancing? No. Who am I thinking of? You are thinking of Jennifer Grey. Who's Jennifer? No, Jessica Beale. Jessica Beale is with Justin Timberlake. Right. So who's Jennifer Beale? Jennifer Beale is from Flashdance. Beale's? No, I think just So who's Jennifer Beals? Jennifer Beals is Beals? Flashdance

Beals No I think just the singular Jennifer Beals Maybe it's Jennifer Beals Go ahead and Check me on that one Yeah yeah yeah It could be

I might do So what And what were you? I was a A child at the time Okay And the movie is something I've never seen it

Cause it's It did not do well So it's incredibly difficult to find. It's Meals on Wheels. Okay. Oh, there we go. Was it singular or what? It was Beals.

Okay. Okay, that's fine. I'm wrong. It's fine. We thought she was someone else. She's a flash dance girl. Right. But in the movie, she was...

Her and her cousin, there was some sort of love triangle with a guy, and someone pushed someone else off a roof, and the other person died. And they made the desolation sound? It was filmed on the Sunshine Coast, which is why it's so terrible. Wait, wait a minute now. Wait, wait a minute now. Greg and everyone hear that. What do? Yeah, we were just kids, and we were in a... Wait, wait a minute now. Wait, wait a second now. Greg and everyone hear that.

Yeah, we were just kids and we were in a... We were just kids, man. We were kids, though. We were in a room, like a wooden, kind of older classroom thing. A wood room. It was narrated by Dave.

In a wooden room. But what era was this supposed to take place in? I don't know. The scene that, again, I've never seen it. Were you wearing modern clothes? We were just wearing the clothes we had on. They just made us wear normal kid clothes.

But your regular clothes weren't old-timey. I was wearing milkmaid style. Stick her in a wooden room. Yeah, and so it was just We were in a room And there was a puppet show happening And we had to like Laugh

When they Held up the card that said laugh But it was fake laughing Cause they The puppet show was not Comedically enjoyable Anyway And then there was like

A sad part where one of the puppets died And you had to be like I gotta see this movie Yeah I am going to hunt down a copy of this movie it's a good one um and in what mine was uh there was this puppet show no uh uh the i i think i've talked about it on the show before i don't know but the uh they got kids from my school who were like Under 5'6 or whatever Right Under whatever height

And they had to Or maybe even like under You know near 5 feet And you had to have your hair a certain length And then these kids could potentially be Jonathan Taylor Thomas' Body double For all the stunts in Man of the House

starring Chevy Chase. But you weren't, you didn't know how to do stunts. No, it wasn't a stunt double. It was just a body double, which would be like, you have to stand there for hours while they adjust light. There was a kid in, uh, when I was in elementary school, and he got a role on a Western. And it was such a big deal. Everybody's talking about him.

Oh, my God, he's got a role in this movie. And his big scene is he gets spanked. Oh. Yeah. And then the day after it aired it was like the opposite like it went from being the coolest thing to being like you're the kid who got spanked in a movie oh god yeah there's a lot of westerns filmed in alberta like all of my family members because we're real cowboys have been in whoawood. Whoa, whoa. Yeah, wait a minute. You're real cowboys? What do you call Graham and me?

Urban cowboys. Oh, no. Anyways, it's time for overheards. We always like to start with the guest. Okay. And you said you've got a real, like, the best one. Okay. I made no such claim.

Me and my cowboy family. Yeah. We could... Get a rope. Yeah. So when I was coming here, I live on downtown. Give your address to the little...

They like to send gifts. That's why I'm here is for the gifts. The swag. Yeah, swag always. And I was walking On Davy Street And there was like Two bro-y Guys

Like big Juiced up Like Real Real beefcakes Yeah Like gross dudes And

Whoa Hey They just Jersey Shore looking That's how we'll describe them Yeah Cool Jersey Shore type

Yeah Cool Radical dudes Yeah They were talking about Jersey Shore looking. That's how we'll describe them. Yeah. Cool Jersey Shore type. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Radical dudes. Yeah. They were talking about the mixed martial arts that they were doing. Oh, yeah. And they were on their way to that.

I don't know. I don't understand fighting. So, I have no terminology for you. And then they, the one guy had cheated on his girlfriend. Classic. Ashley. Up top. Yeah. And the other guy was just like listening very intently the whole time while he's talking about telling the girlfriend about the infidelity.

And then he's like, I don't, I don't know why I'm going to do that. I'm going to, they just talk normal. He was like, I don't know, bro. Just like bake her a pie and hope for the best. Yeah. Yeah. You've I don't know, bro. Just like bake her a pie and hope for the best. Yeah. Yeah. You've got your signature pies. Yeah.

You know, you can carve I'm sorry in it. Yeah. Mark it with a whatever her name is. Oh, humble pie. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Sorry about the sex with other people. Here's a pie.

Yeah. Anyway, we cool? Yeah. Yeah. Also, wait for that to cool. Yeah. That's not like emotional. You want to do it on the windowsill?

How do, well, what is a better way to apologize? Actually, if someone were to cheat on me, the only thing that would be acceptable as an apology would be a pie. What about chips? Always, yeah. Snacks, generally. Licorice, chips. Yeah, yeah. I brought you some old drinks. That's snacks generally. Licorice. Chips. Yeah. Yeah.

I brought you some alldurans. Yeah. Ice cream. I mean it's horrible but it sounds like when you were describing

like he was you know talking about having to tell his girlfriend all the things he did. That sounds so fun to hear. Oh it was.

Like someone having to describe. I was almost late coming here because they were walking slower than I like to walk but I was not willing to pass them on. Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they focus on their upper body. Yeah. Taking small strides. Always skipping leg days to make pies. Yeah. Oh, wow. Dave, do you have one?

Yeah. When we was in Palm Springs. Uh-huh. This was actually when we got back. When you land in Vancouver, you got to go through customs and you get a card or you filled out a card and you go through customs. And they say, is this your card? And they give you your card back. And then you pick up your bags and then you have to give your card

as you leave. It's something that's been marked on it and you give it to another customs official after you've gotten your bag. Right. And they can only take one person at a time. And so when we were getting back, there was a huge lineup of people

who had already gotten their bags and were just wanting to hand in their cards. And the lineup was very big and kind of disorderly, but everyone in line knew what was happening. And then some other people saw like there were four or five people, men and women in their early 30s who saw the giant line. women in their early thirties who saw the giant line. And I just overheard the guy rushing past the line saying, Oh, we're budging.

Wow. And like his intent was clear. And they went ahead to the front of the line, pretended they didn't see the guy in charge of the line and tried to go. Wow. And then it got shut down so hard. I'm so happy about it. one of them oh the woman was like acting like like she this was the greatest indignity of her life yeah like the the eyes of

like you are so wrong oh it was the greatest oh just seeing just hearing them say we're budging yeah and then getting just blown out of the way. Yeah, because it doesn't happen. Usually you have people play dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, we're going to play dumb, but we're secretly budging. Yeah, you just go, I don't know how to play. Oh, I guess I missed it.

Can I still go? Yeah. Yeah. That would be a card that I would play if I could, but I don't speak any. Well, no, I don't speak english yeah yeah that would be a card that i would play if i could but i don't play well no i don't speak any other language i can't just you can do like a how you say yeah are you fake irish but the person that you're talking to always according to movies the person that you try to lie to Always speaks the language That you claim to speak

So you could be like Hola, no habla And then they'd be like Yeah, exactly Hey, hey That's all in Spanish I don't know Oh, I am also from Mexico town

And you're like, oh great The only, sorry, Spanish You know is Hey, hey I said, well, hola, hola, no habla espanol, but then that's saying I don't speak Spanish. What, what? Elaborate. K, K.

Muy, muy K. Muy, yeah. Graham, overheard. Hear it. Mine's the overseen. Well, it was an overheard, overseen, it was a real boiling plate. Melting pot? Yeah, melting pot, thanks.

Boiler plate. Real hand stamp. It was two gals. This was two in the afternoon, I want to say. Super day drunk, like hammered, hammered. Was this Easter weekendter weekend no this was wednesday easter wednesday yeah this was pre good friday let's get hammered and uh they were weebling and wobbling but they won't fall down they wouldn't it was amazing and uh they were

just talking loud and just being just the worst, just a pair of the worst people ever. And one of them was carrying like a novelty street sign that said it was hot pink and it said Bitch Boulevard. Yeah. Yeah. That's the best. Yep. Oh, boy. Where do you buy something like that?

No, she stole it off of Bitch Boulevard. Oh, boy. Where do you buy something like that? No, she stole it off of Pitch Bull. Oh, did she do? What neighborhood is that in? The Trash District. Garbage City. Yeah. Garbageton. Anyways.

Yeah. Day drunk at two in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Yeah. Woof. It's my Friday. at two in the afternoon on a Wednesday. Yeah. Woof.

It's my Friday. Also, I'm off work because noon is my five o'clock. Yeah. And alcohol is my coffee. Because I'm starting my other job. Yeah. Up and down. Yeah. You don't have to be drunk to work here, but it helps.

Stray cats are my dogs. Oh, man. Is that it for the show? No! Let's call it a show. No, there's also overheards that people have sent in from all over the crazy planet of ours. If you want to send one in to us

you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org and this first one comes from Riley L. Riley. Is that a boy or girl? Riley. It's a sexy girl name if it is. Oh, hey. Yeah. Or

he's a real brat of a boy. Riley, Riley. I'm going to make your life a living hell. You're the seventh babysitter I've had this month. Thanks for listening. I was paying for... Oh, why did the... They're both sexy, the boy and the girl

Yeah I was paying for some stuff In a small clothing store In Prince Albert, Saskatchewan The total came up to $20.05 The cashier said Don't worry about the nickel, nobody wants a pocket full of change

To which the short Older woman in line behind me muttered in an oddly sinister voice. Change. I like that because it gave me a chance to act. This going on your reel? Yeah. I'm putting in for a role. I want to be Jonathan Taylor Thomas's body double now.

Sure, yeah. I was watching well, watching may not be the right word, but that new Tim Allen show was on. Last Man Standing? Yeah. And Patricia

Heaton, his TV wife from Home Improvement. Is she on it too? She was on one or two episodes. Ah. Isn't she Raymond's wife too? No, that's Patricia Clarkson. No, Patricia Heaton. Right?

Wait. Patricia Heaton is Everybody Loves Raymond. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Patricia Richardson. Sorry. She is Home Improvement. Who's Leah Remini? And she was on an episode or two.

And then Jonathan Taylor Thomas walked out in the closing credits as like a little, just wandered into the yard. Oh, like he was like, what show is this? What is going on here? And everyone got a real kick out of it.

And then he said his famous catchphrase, that's a spicy meatball. Yeah, dad. This next one comes from Kevin E. from Calgary, Alberta. I think Kevin's a boy or a girl. Kevin E. Sexy girl. I was walking into my neighborhood recreation complex and passed a family that was leaving.

They had two children a boy and a girl i guess to be 10 and 12 respectively the boy ran ahead of the family yelling i love poop to which the mother then replied derrick no you don't you like it love is a strong word yeah yeah yeah you, yeah. You don't understand. We don't throw that around. Yeah. I don't know if you mean it. Yeah, but kids at that age, they do, though. Right? It's their favorite.

The word love. Boys. Oh, poop. Yeah. Boy, the word love. Yeah, boys love love. I'm like, oh, it's stereotypically not. When you were a kid, did anybody have a fake marriage when you were little kids?

We had to do that in school. You had to do that? Yeah. In sociology 30, we had to marry. And I actually married my dad. Did you grow up in a sitcom school? I did. Did you have to carry around an egg as a child?

Yeah. So in health, as a younger person, I had to carry around a flower baby. Really? Yeah, and I had to dress it up and keep it in the baby's arms. And that's when you just eat a bunch of flower and your gluten just comes out and makes your belly so big. And then in grade 11, when I was doing sociology, you had to marry someone, only someone of the opposite gender because people are incredibly homophobic there. Oh, sure. Uh, only someone of the opposite gender because people are incredibly homophobic there. Oh, sure.

Uh, and then you had to have egg babies and then you had to get divorced to understand that you shouldn't get divorced because it's a lot of paperwork. And we had to do all of the paperwork. If you guys get divorced, you have to do a pop quiz. Yeah. And pushups. If you get divorced, you're getting, you're getting busted down to a desk job. But if you stay married, you're on the streets. Some of my babies died too.

So you also had to fill out a death paperwork. Some of them? Sure. Oh, you had to fill out death certificates? Did everyone get a different amount of babies? You had to choose how many babies you had. We chose, me and my husband at the time. At the time?

Well, we're divorced now. My ex-husband. Yeah. We chose to have We had three babies And he named the One was Huey That's all I remember And then

The other two were like gross I'm guessing Dewey and Louie Yeah Or The and the News Wait so one baby well maybe it's the yeah there's no Lewis involved

nope Huey and the News I bet you wish you could go back in time and fix that joke I can't believe they made you do that yeah

it was horrible for everyone. How did the babies die? The babies died. One got hit by a vehicle. It was struck in snow. It's fine. We also had to have a wedding. You had to have like a real wedding.

And he wore a banana suit because it was something he'd acquired earlier. Like a banana costume? A banana costume. Okay. I got a feeling this guy's not taking it super seriously. He didn't. We were the real jokesters Of the fake marriage And our first

Our like Me walking in as the bride Was two of the Star Wars So That's okay Like the Imperial Martyrs Yeah And I made cookies for everyone

This seems like So time consuming Because you gotta have like Fifteen weddings in a class. Oh, yeah. And then everyone's got to fill out a dance certificate to the next class. I ate my kid. You also had to do budgeting.

You had to budget and family planning stuff. It was the worst. Well, you know what? I threw my kid at teacher's house. Oh, man. No, I never had to do that. No, me house. Yeah. Oh, man. No, I never had to do that. No, me neither. We didn't do any.

We just watched Degrassi. Yeah, that's pretty much what... Degrassi and then once in a while it'd just be some movie, you know, that a hungover teacher had grabbed. Yeah, sure. Yeah, Major League. This is why we want to teach you guys about uh when a franchise might move in baseball everybody be quiet i'm gonna you're gonna watch this episode of veronica's closet

um you guys like kathy and jim Yeah. You guys seen Mannequin? This last one comes from Alex T. This is... Yeah, that could be a boy or a girl either. Yeah, this is in London. He's from London, but living in Taipei, Taiwan. Oh, my. At some point in the closing ceremony for the recent asian games in korea there was a bunch of martial arts doing what they do breaking boards and kicking the air during the performance

the english announcer said now what you're watching is taekwondo which is like the courage of a tiger in pursuit of justice which is that are tigers motivated by justice but does that clear it up for you if you had if you were just listening in the other room oh yeah yeah yeah like a tiger tiger's like it was a one-armed man i don't care trying to prove his uh innocence guys yep is that the end of the show sure is no david isn't you never let me prove his innocence. Guys. Yep. Is that the end of the show? Sure is. No, Dave, it isn't.

You never let me end the show. In addition to overheards that are written in, some of these overheards are called in. If you want to call us, pick up your

dialing device. Put in these numbers in this order. I cannot stress that enough. 206-339-8328. Like these people here. Hi, David Graham, I guess.

This is Jen from Denver, Colorado. Hi. Hi, Jen. We were walking around in the downtown of a little town called Golden, and it's springtime, so the nearby shops had dresses kind of sitting out on hangers on the street for people to peruse as they walked by. And we were sitting, waiting to get our lunch at a nearby restaurant, and a little boy walked by with his mom and his brother. And as they approached the dresses, he pointed at the dresses and said, yuck, dresses.

And then his littler brother said, yuck, and then they proceeded to point at other things related to a girl's, like a girl's hat or something, and just say yuck at everything that they saw. Thanks. Yuck, a girl's hat. Yeah. I hope mom doesn't make me wear that again yuck yuck easter's around the corner oh that was a thing that people used to do easter bonnets was that a yeah i mean like the

1800s yeah i think still still i feel like people like babies babies wear bonnets no no like they wear like a fancy easter hat A church? A church, maybe. Dutch people in Alberta still wear churches. They wear churches? Uh-oh. What's going on in your permanent record? Dutch people still wear churches. Next phone call.

Hey, Graham, Dave, and possible guests. This is Matt in Ithaca. Four preschool kids just came into my coffee shop and I'm reading a book. And it's Saturday night, so I guess they're going to do something with all these baked goods tomorrow morning or something. Because the one kid comes in and he's pointing over his friend's shoulder saying, Yo, man, there's mad scones there. And the other kid turns around. It's kind of like a frightened look on his face. He didn't know what the scone was.

He turned around and saw all the baked goods. And he kind of like shook his shoulders and like jumped out of the way. And then he fell down. It was amazing. Look at all those scones. Where? Not the scones. Yeah, the local gang in town. It's called those scones. Where? Not the scones. Yeah, the local gang in town.

It's called the scones. We're on scone turf. The scones are here. I'm not going to fight them. I'm just going to challenge them. Call the cops. I see the scones. Any teenagers that are buying baked goods or planning to throw them off an overpass or at a house.

They're not buying them to consume. Yeah, no. They're not for tea parties. To kiss? No, to consume. Or kiss. They kiss separately. Like, a bagel is like a set of lips.

Oh, like to practice their kissing. I think when they had to kiss through it, like two people would put a bagel over their mouth. Oh, sure. Yeah, like this is a weird tradition like a glory hole but for kissing yeah but

but you just hold the bagel I can almost reach you yeah let's do oh let's let's do it like

how they kiss in New York I guess tongues through would be, yeah. Yeah. But your lips would never touch. It would just be... Tiny, delicate lips. Great.

Wow. Great. I know it's like, yeah, I've got a cold sore. Well, let's just put a bagel between us. I guess that's I mean Practice safe kissing Yeah Absolutely

If you learned anything From your fake marriage It's that They've taught They taught us In school What a dental dam is Oh god

Never in my life Have I heard of anyone Using one They don't The Where would you get Like you can't go to a drugstore and buy it. The cool health place

has them. The cool, like, the free youth clinic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They, and, but the nurse even knows that they're bullshit. Like, when she was, because she's like, Just use a bagel. Just use a bagel. Alright, here's your sorry to cut you off here's your final call this is brady from brooklyn i was just riding the l train into work sitting next to a middle-aged guy

and he had twitter open on his phone and as he was typing I sort of leaned over and he starts typing if men nagged like women and then takes this pause where he looks up at the ceiling in deep thought for about 15 seconds and continues typing the world would explode. Wow, that doesn't

add up at all. I don't know about that. So this was a tweet this guy was doing? I looked it up. That tweet does not exist. No? No one has tweeted, if men nag like women, the world would explode.

Maybe he just put it in his drafts. Yeah, probably. You know what? It's not ready. It's not good. It's not. Have you... But it's a good, it's a solid premise.

Have you ever tweeted a whole thing like and then not like at the very last second been like nah this is just gonna come across mean-spirited yeah yeah but then do you delete it or do you put it in drafts or what do you do oh you save it yeah i'll tell you become more racist then you can tweet it later then you're like yeah i gotta find i gotta find racist then you can tweet it later then you're like yeah i gotta find i gotta find the right time to release or what i sometimes do is like i'll be like inspired by something on tv or something else on the internet i don't want everyone to send me links to this thing all right after i tweet this so i'll hold off on it for a few months

then rediscover it. Yeah. I feel like it's any time I'm going to make fun of a TV show or something. And I'm like, nah. Too mean. Don't do it. Yeah. Although seeing Adam Levine in his Proactive commercial, that is the. Oh, gross.

Have you seen that commercial? No, I just hate the concept. But he's like, wasn't he the sexiest man or whatever? People's sexiest man. So then he's like, I had a real hard time because I had like a little bit of acne. Yeah, then I drank a bunch of Proactiv. He said that I suffered from acne. Oh.

I was like, you're not allowed to use, that's not the word that. You don't own that word as an acne. Well, yeah, you just had it. You had acne. You didn't suffer through it. Anyways. I mean, I guess he did. I know that Adam Levine listens to this podcast,

and I hope he doesn't take this personally, but he sounds like a puss. They were on Saturday Night Live a few months ago, and they have that song about animals. Yeah. You know, the one from the Kia commercial with the very handsome hamsters adam levine and the maroon five uh and oh by the way there's not there's six of them fun facts but there used to be five they just started adding people okay to fill out the sound.

And there's one part in that song where he howls like a wolf. Yeah. Like, I'll do it for you right now. All right. Please.

That's pretty good. Oh. The computer didn't like that. Yeah. But, I remember watching that and being like, oh,

so he's done. Like, you can't be a serious musician anymore. But no, people love it. What if his next album is all... Animal noises? No, like a haunted, you know, like a monster matches and stuff. Or just sound effects.

Oh, yeah. Like Adam Levine's Halloween sound effects. It's just him rattling chains? Well, they'll have to kick him out of Maroon 5 for the howling. They'd have, what? They have to. Why? Because it's weird.

Don't do that. So then his solo album will be. Oh, yeah. Adam Levine's Halloween. How Levine. How Halloween. How Halloween. Brought to you by Proact.

Yeah. You get one free with every Proactive. Wait, it's a Proactive. I thought we were talking about yogurt. No, that's probiotics. No, I misheard in the beginning. I was like, how in the sense of when does yogurt solve acne sufferers? That makes more sense.

Yeah. Also, he's shilling yogurt. I suffer from constipation. And that's also Jamie Lee Curtis. That'd be mean of him to kick her out. Anyway. Well, you know

what makes me howl? Constipation. Howl! Video cut for you! This is a video! he's the best guy in that band yeah absolutely well no i like the. The Maroon. From the Huey News, Lewis. Huey in the News. This is a guy who dressed up like a banana for his wedding. You know, he's not the smartest guy. That brings us to the end of the episode here. Cass, where can people find you online if they want to see you perform or if they want to follow you on Twitter?

Where do they go? I am at the Comedy Mix every week doing comedy. Okay. One night. Tuesdays or Wednesdays. It alternates. All right. And then online, you can find me on Twitter and every other platform at Cass Keeley.

C-A-S-S-K-E-E-L-E-Y. Yeah. Because I didn't realize I would be tweeting inappropriate things when I made my Twitter, and I used my real name across the board. Yeah. Oh, you gotta. You gotta. Come on, own it. Well, what else would you be?

I don't know. Like, one of my friends in high school went by PuttyTat12 everywhere online. Yeah, but, like, who's going to follow that? Guys, follow PuttyTat12. Oh, I follow that? Guys, follow PuttyTap12. Oh, I think I'm going to follow PuttyTap12. They just tweeted, if men nag like women, it would be crazy.

Yeah. It would be crazy. See, that is a draft that, you know, needed to not be. It's in there. I'm Cass Keely everywhere. All right.

Well, thanks for being a guest. So is it like P-U-D-D-Y It's D-D-I-E T-A-T underscore 12 So follow Cass Keely No yes also follow I don't know if she has Twitter It was

She started a Twitter she had a Hotmail account But I don't think that the Twitter lasted You're that young that you know Hotmail Wow You're still old enough that you know Hotmail. Wow. You're still old enough that you know Hotmail. Yeah, I was going to say, Gmail is current. Imagine someday you'll be talking to somebody and they'll be like,

what's Hotmail? Back when I was a kid. Yeah, exactly. Just like what you guys did this whole episode. Zing. If you liked the episode, go over to MaximumFun.org and check out the blog recap of the episode go over to maximumfun.org check out the blog recap of the episode

pictures and videos relating to the content this episode surely that Adam Levine singing his werewolf song werewolves of London maybe that picture of me

on five and a half kids. Family of five. Party of five. Party of five. Yeah, exactly. All of our film roles will be on there too. Um, and, uh, yeah, I guess, you know, whatever else. Sure.

There'll be other things. Sure. Uh, live show on, uh, May 9th. Tickets at Riotickets.ca yeah and they're cheaper if you buy them in advance they're going to be $17 in advance but $20 at the door so don't be one of those people that loses

that extra three bones what do you call them? dollars, clams there you go alright let's wrap this up thank you so much for listening if you like the show please do tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned.

Listener supported.