Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 447 - Steph Tolev
Episode Date: October 10, 2016Comedian Steph Tolev returns to talk skinny-dipping, mice, and gun games....
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Hi, he's Dave Shumka.
And he's Graham Clark.
And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself.
Woo!
Hello everybody, welcome to episode number 447 of Stop Podcasting Yourself.
My name's Graham Clark, and with me as always is a man with a tan and a plan who eats bran, Mr. Dave Shumka.
None of it's true.
None of it's true. I know, as I was saying it, I was like, well, he might have a plan.
Yeah, I mean, so every day kind of looks the same.
Yeah.
But you've got kind of a to-do list.
Like I know when I'm going to bed and stuff.
Yeah.
That's a plan.
And you drink Metamucil, which is kind of like Bran.
I sure do.
But I wouldn't say.
And I probably eat Bran, you know, in some way, shape, or form.
Sure.
What is Bran?
You know, the part of the plant that
they usually throw out i my mom used to have brand like bran flake cereal yeah i loved them
i loved uh the one is it two scoops of raisin bran yeah i had to do the whole thing yeah i was
like it's like a mystery novel but you start with the ending and you work backwards.
And our guest today.
Wait, which one's a honey of an O?
Oh, wait a minute.
I think that's Grape Nuts.
Our guest today, very funny comedian, actually won the Canadian Comedy Award for best Female Comedian in Canada,
right after she was a guest on our podcast last time.
Returning guest to the podcast, Miss Steph Tolev.
Hi.
Hello.
Oh, yes.
I thought Bran was, it looks like little hamster poos.
There's those Bran.
Like Bran buds?
Bran buds, yeah.
We had to throw those away.
Like you did, or your your parents did or everybody did?
I think recently I bought some because I thought Abby was putting them in like yogurt or something.
And it turns out it was wrong.
And I was like, I'll just eat them.
No.
No, they're...
Not a good taste.
They haven't put anything in it.
No sugar or anything.
But like they don't even...
They can't even absorb
milk. Oh, they're just
like pieces?
Yeah, they're like gravel.
Oh man. Well, let's get to know it.
Sure.
Get to know us.
The last time you were here
it was a couple days away
from the Canadian Comedy Awards and you
were like I freaking out about the whole thing and then you went you won well here's the
thing what not a lot of people know i'm a very bad loser very bad loser i think everybody knows
i thought everyone said you were a very big loser i'm a horrible horrific loser well like is this
something from when you were a kid like you'd be at board games
no
I know
I used to highland dance
competitively
and I was shit
I was so bad
I never played
so I didn't give a fuck
but all of a sudden
when I got into comedy
I carried all of a sudden
but I was so scared
I was going to lose
so I ate a weed cookie
at the beginning
of the comedy wars
and let me just tell you
I had the worst speech
of the night
I'll tell you that right now
I just made no sense.
I walked out, but I was so high.
I just seen Colin Mockery in the front row, and he distracted me.
He's like, Colin's in the front row.
And it made no sense.
I was riffing with nobody, and they just bombed real bad.
They're like, we're going to need that award back.
Oh, you won it?
Nah, not anymore.
I want to hear more about this highland dancing.
Yeah, competitive dancing.
Oh no, it was nothing.
How many years did you competitively Highland dance?
Three to 18.
Three from age?
My mother was a teacher.
Whoa, I think we talked about this last time.
I think we did.
I actually think we did.
Yeah.
This is not ringing any bells for me.
Yeah, you have zero memory of anything we've ever spoken about.
I think we did.
I think that's true.
We did talk about it.
Yeah.
But I'm not, I don't care.
Like, you don't have a competitive spirit, but as soon as you got into comedy, then it
kicked in.
Yeah, I don't know why.
Did you, your mom was a teacher.
Still is.
Yeah.
But so, like, it's not like you had shown that you were really into it. Oh, no promise. No, no, I was garbage. Still is. It's not like you had shown that you were really into it.
Oh, no promise. No, no, I was garbage.
But she's like, I'm not going to be the only
teacher who has a daughter that doesn't
dance. You're going to be out there
doing it. We have a two-year-old
and she just likes to
jump and run around and climb on things, so
we put her in gymnastics, which isn't really
gymnastic. It's jumping
into a...
But you're going to force her to be a podcaster.
Yeah, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Does she have good arches on her feet?
That sounds very creepy.
Going up there to wake your child up?
No, her feet are...
They're blobs.
They're just blobs?
Yeah.
She's not going to be a dancer.
I was going to say maybe she should get into highland dancing.
I mean, I have beautiful dancer's legs.
Yeah, that's true.
Everybody says so.
But,
it's too soon to tell
if she's got,
what are your arches?
They're not good.
No?
What about your arch?
If your foot
has like a pretty big arch,
that means you can
point your toe pretty well.
So that's a nice feat
for a dancer.
Oh yeah,
no,
I don't have that.
For that kind of dancing?
Yeah,
especially highland
because it's all pointing
and it's all up on like
your half point stuff
the whole time.
I don't think we would
sign her up for that because I would hate it and it's all up on like your half white stuff the whole time I don't think we would sign her up for that
cause uh
I would hate it
it's actually like
it's
it's pretty good for kids
like it keeps them very fit
like I was a very fit child
yeah
that sounds creepy
as a very fit kid
you want your kid to be fit
I mean I guess so
yeah I guess so
yeah it's better than
the alternative
yeah I guess
um
she mostly just likes to
go on YouTube
and look at videos
of Highland dancing.
Well, then she can learn that one.
That's fine.
Oh, her dumb, stupid arches.
She's a Michael Flatley fan, right?
Like, she always, from the very beginning, she would go to sleep watching Michael Flatley.
Can I watch a little of the day?
She can already spell Michael Flatley into YouTube.
Hi, it's a little guy.
Ticka-ticka-ting-dong-do.
What was that?
Was that the music for it?
What's the music you dance to?
Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can I ask you something?
Yes.
Is this new?
The septum piercing?
Oh, maybe.
I got really bored in Ottawa.
I was there for 10 days.
Did you do it yourself? I should have. I was there for 10 days. Did you do it yourself?
I should have.
I was there for 10 days
and I literally walked by a tattoo shop.
I was honestly that bored.
I just walked in.
I was like,
do you guys do this piercing?
They're like, yeah.
I'm like, all right,
they're going to do it now.
I'm like, hmm.
Yeah, sure.
Have you ever been in Ottawa for 10 days?
No.
I've been to Ottawa for four or five,
but I never, never got to the piercing.
Well, I got.
You might.
You hit day eight, nine. Day eight and you're like, I got to the piercing well I you might you hit day eight
nine
day eight
and you're like
I gotta get one of them
Prince Elvers
everybody's talking
everybody's talking
about
everyone's
well on the chat rooms
I go on
yeah yeah yeah
it's all Prince Elvers
is that the tip
yeah
the dick
just the tip
what do you mean
like through the pee hole
through the pee hole
and then around the
around the outside
around the outside
that's how I
learned to tie my shoelaces that's a song through the pee hole and then around the outside. That's how I learned to tie my shoelaces.
That's a good song.
Through the pee hole, under the woods.
Two bunny holes and then tie it tight.
Wait, I thought it goes up.
You're asking us as though we know.
I feel like Graham actually does know.
I know we all know somebody that has one, Pete Johansson.
He got one done.
So he described it to me in graphic detail how it's done while you were walking away.
I would have to ask him to see this.
To see it.
I want to see it.
Because it's a ring, so it goes in through the pee hole and then out through the bottom half of the penis.
Do you think Lord of the Rings would have been as good if it was about
a penis piercing?
Would it have been as good?
It's just...
I mean, sure.
Oh, I just thought of Lord of the Dance.
I pictured Michael Flatley
with a pierced dick just dancing.
And you could see,
well, he wore very tight...
I love the Lord of the Dance.
He wears very tight pants.
You'd be able to see it
from many rows back.
Did this hurt?
It hurt a lot, yeah.
But I've had my other
like side nose
and I did my lip before.
So this is temporary.
I'm cool.
Oh yeah,
this also,
I tuck it up all the time.
Forget it's there.
I don't know why I have it.
I'm too old for it.
I really should take it out.
This is a bit embarrassing.
No, it's fine.
It's cool.
You're a cool person.
You're a cool lady.
Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure, sure.
So, and the last time you were here, you were just packing up your things to head down to
Los Angeles.
Yeah.
It ended up being a lot, pushed back a lot because something happened with my papers.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
I was going to end up going right for Christmas.
I'm not going to miss Christmas for no reason.
Just go.
Oh, you got to go.
Christmas in Los Angeles is so beautiful.
Christmas pilot season.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah, you go down there.
It's the Christmas palm tree.
We're going to go to the pool.
Yeah, you're going to the pool.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So,
so how long
have you been down there?
I've been there,
I got there January 4th.
Okay.
New year,
new you,
new city.
Yeah,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
Martin Luther King day.
Yeah,
new peers.
Let's go through
all the holidays.
Martin Luther King
is a crazy day down there.
Everyone,
okay.
Is it like a big,
it's a riot.
So, is it, is it, you big it's a riot um no it's is it is it you like it down there it's okay yeah i'm starting to like it more it's uh it's a very dirty city like explain it's like
it's just it's gross like what like it's just there's garbage everywhere there's like you know
the homeless is out of control right they're all the place. And it's just like kind of scary.
Like I'm always kind of scared.
Where would you want to put them?
I mean, like not outside my goddamn house.
Like they're doing construction like two houses down.
And then there's this guy just living in this little alcove.
I'm like, man, get off this.
Because you told me off air that you think that they should be executed.
That's what I said.
I said, once that wall goes up, we're just huffing them over top of it.
Get out of here, the slingshot.
Huffing them, I like that.
I find Toronto's a dirty city.
Oh, no.
I lived in Toronto my whole life.
I know.
And it's like, this is, no.
It's like, Hollywood Boulevard's disgusting.
I guess I mean Toronto, dirt sticks to you.
Like you go out on a hot day in Toronto and you come back dirt.
Yeah, that's fair.
That's very fair.
Thank you.
And especially being out here, like this is so lush and beautiful in BC.
But you're right, like is it Hollywood Boulevard is the one with all the stars on it?
Oh, yeah.
That thing is gross.
By the end of the day, they got to hose down the whole thing.
It's insane. It's just lunatics. Some end of the day, they got to hose down the whole thing. It's insane.
It's just lunatics.
Some guy from the Jimmy Kimmel show is asking you joke questions.
Asking you if you've heard of a band that doesn't exist.
People forcing CDs on you.
And then the guy's all dressed up in those things.
Like, it's just, it's out of control.
Oh, yeah.
Because it's way past just like an actual nice costume.
It's just like a guy in tinfoil.
Being like, I'm an alien from this movie.
You're like,
what the fuck are you talking about?
I would probably get my picture taken with that person.
The worst costume is what I would seek out to have my picture taken.
There's so many.
Have you done it?
No,
they're gross.
They're like overweight people wearing like Spider-Man outfits that don't cover their gut.
That's a good one.
That's from Spider-Man.
Loose dick.
There's just like the dick to loose dick. Prince Albert piercing-Man loose dick. Like there's just like the dicks and loose dick.
Prince Albert piercing.
Prince Albert.
There's a lot going on.
Oh, so you can tell
they're not wearing underwear?
Oh, yes.
I guess they would.
They wouldn't want the line.
Yeah.
They should wear a thong.
Yeah.
They're going to be a good Spider-Man.
Do you think
superheroes wear thongs?
They must, right?
Yeah.
You never see any lines.
Although some of them
wear the underwear
on the outside.
Yeah. Or, yeah, maybe some Although some of them wear the underwear on the outside. Yeah.
Or maybe some of the superheroes.
I would say Batman probably doesn't wear underwear at all.
Well, no.
He's rich.
He probably wears rich guy underwear.
Does he have hard underwear?
Doesn't he have a casing?
Oh, yeah.
He probably wears a cup.
Oh, sure.
Yeah.
Inside.
Yeah, because he's like the most human of cup. Yeah. Oh, sure. Yeah. Inside. That's for sure.
Yeah, because he's like the most human of them.
Yes.
Who would be somebody?
I think wear a thong.
Spider-Man would have to wear a thong.
That's a very tight butt.
Very.
Yeah, yeah.
Very tight red butt he's got back there. Oh, you know who probably doesn't wear any underwear?
Wolverine.
Oh.
He's all hanging out everywhere.
Yeah, he's very commandant.
He seems like a naturalist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Aquaman wears a bathing suit under there.
Yep.
As underwear.
All the other superheroes laugh at him.
Wait, are you wearing a bathing suit as underwear?
In my world, it's just regular underwear.
It's been a while since I've worn a bathing suit as underwear, but I don't rule it out.
Was it something that you you it's like you're
all out of underwear yeah oh and you're like this is this will get the job so crinkly yeah and also
strings you got strings dangling everywhere and some of your bathing suits i'm assuming you have
a closet yeah absolutely i already have underwear on the inside. I wish I could just cut that out and just wear those. Yeah, that must be really uncomfortable.
What?
That mesh thing.
I mean, the whole men's bathing suit situation is not good.
Because either you're wearing basically half pants,
or you're wearing something that's showing too much leg,
too much man leg.
So it's, I don't know.
It's a difficult thing.
Yeah.
We haven't mastered swimsuits.
There's that meshing,
meshy web.
Yeah.
Like what your chairs are made of.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, totally.
Oh, you've cut it out and made your own chairs
of all your bathing suits.
And,
Sometimes they have pockets.
But then there's the option,
the ones that don't have it.
And I,
that feels like,
ooh.
It must feel nice though because i
find skinny dipping like the greatest feeling in the world i've never done it you've never
seen it in your life no oh my i don't have friends so you can't do it alone yes you can
you definitely can do it alone do you i've never done it alone i think you could like at a lake
are we talking about like not the ocean Creeps me out The undercurrent's
Going to get inside you
I don't know
What's going on out there
The undercurrent's
Going to get inside
I just feel like
I don't know
What's happening out there
She's been so different
Since you've been
Walking around
With a bit of undercurrent
Yes
Like it stays with you
For days
It just doesn't leave
The riptide
Pulling your
Now the first time
You went skinny dipping
Was it like a dare thing?
It was a bunch of... My girlfriend's at the
cottage. Was it to raise money to keep kids off drugs?
Yes, yes.
It was just at the cottage, and
we just kind of got drunk, and then
we just took them off, and we're like, eww!
And then you're like, oh my god. I'm also usually
mushrooms when I do it, and it feels really good in the water.
Okay. Just nude, just
floating around. Swimming and doing drugs
and swimming
is dangerous.
Seems dangerous, no?
Yeah, I know.
Doing drugs
and accepting a comedy award
seems dangerous.
I do.
I think I have a problem.
I was skinny dipping.
Colin Mockery was there.
Yeah, I don't know why
he was even invited.
Yeah.
But you know what?
He saw everybody else doing it
and he's an improviser
and he said, yes,
he was accepting a lifetime achievement,
skinny dipping award.
Most skinny dips in one lifetime.
I would believe that for him.
I've done it before.
I don't notice a ton of difference.
The lake,
a lake.
Yeah.
So mucky.
Yeah.
That's,
but,
but you know,
there's not,
although,
you know, the thought of a of like a trout coming at me.
Oh, yeah.
I've always figured a fish is going to swim in.
I'm afraid it's going to see the dangler.
Oh, sure.
The dangler.
Your bait.
Just come, give the old Prince Albert the tip, huh?
Well, you have a little feather hanging off.
You got a feather.
A little fly.
Put a worm in the tip
Put like a little wiggler
On there
That's so gross
Oh my god
Hey ladies
A river runs through us
Cause you grew up in Ontario
So that's like
Was that you would go
Up to the cottage
Yeah my parents have
A cottage up there
Oh
And it's very nice
And the water was not very murky, and it was like, you know,
five feet, six feet off the dock, so we kind of knew the area.
So was that every summer, like it was a given, we're going to the cottage?
Yeah.
Okay.
They're pretty much up there the whole summer.
And that was it?
Like you would go and you-
Well, they would go and I'd stay home and throw parties, because I worked at a wading
pool, and they left me alone.
They left me home alone.
You said everybody in the waiting pool is invited.
Waiting pool, like for kids?
Yeah.
As a lifeguard?
Yeah.
Well, yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
I actually did save one kid once.
Whoa, what happened?
She's like, this two-year-old was unattended.
And I was like, I was like talking to somebody.
I look over, what the fuck?
And the kid just was like, head down.
Just like, I just picked him up. it wasn't like mouth to mouth or anything
yeah but then the mom tried to get me like fired and I was like you're there's like a rule in
Toronto I guess everywhere if you're not within arm's reach you've gone too far or whatever that's
the saying but this kid right with kids yeah with kids under five you you legally have to be within
arm's reach and this mother was like at the back of the park smoking a cigarette.
Like she's like a young mom and then made a big scene.
Pretty cool mom.
Yeah, really cool mom.
And the kid's going to learn his way on his own.
So every summer your parents would go away and your house became party central?
Oh yeah.
Big time.
Big time.
Oh yeah.
Would they go for weeks at a time?
Oh yeah.
I would be left alone. I think the first summer that I was 15. Wow. Big time. Oh, yeah. Would they go for weeks at a time? Oh, yeah. I would be left alone.
I think the first summer left me, I was 15.
Wow.
My friends would just come stay over with me, and then we'd just like, oh.
So it was a given that like, okay, summer started, Steph's house is ground zero for
parties.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow.
We used to do dial-a-bottles.
Do you guys have dial-a-bottle here?
I don't think so.
I think I've heard of it.
It's like, usually underagers do it when they can't get out.
So the first time we did it, I dressed up like my mom.
I put on all her clothes.
And I used her passport.
Like, obviously, 15 going on 47.
I'm like, excuse me.
And then I'm like, I can't drive myself to the liquor store.
I remember holding keys when he came down to the door, too.
Like, that was going to make me look older.
Wait, wait, no, no.
What is it? For people like us who don't know what dial-a-bottle is.
So you just call this number.
They ask you for your passport.
No, they just tell you.
They ask you if you have ID.
You lie and say yes.
Right.
And they ask your address.
And then you order.
So we'd order like, think of Fireball.
Think of Peach and Hops.
Like $1.15.
Four revs.
It costs like $100.
It would be so overpriced oh yeah
oh and they they jack
up the price yeah jack
up the price there's a
delivery fee of like 20
bucks or something and
then uh they'd be like
what door and i'd be
like oh side door so
they'd come to the side
door and the first time
i was like walked out
in heels and this like
over the top outfit
lipstick all over my
face and i like i
showed the passport
and the guy's like okay
just give me a thing
but then then we kept
calling them so much
every time I'd call
they'd be like
side door right
I'm like
yeah side door
like they just knew
our fucking house
well it'd be better
if we have crazy makeup on
and we're not giving it to you
I don't know why
I thought that worked
what would be
the male equivalent
just putting on
your dad's sport coat
yeah put it
fake mustache
yeah taking part of the broom putting it on your dad's sport coat and a fake mustache. Yeah. Taking part
of the broom, putting it on your neck.
Oh!
Thank you so much.
I'm inviting a bunch of 15-year-olds
over to drink.
Well,
I just got off my job
at the waiting pool.
I saved a kid's life.
Nearly got fired anyways.
But yeah,
there was a couple of kids in,
uh,
when I was growing up that had kind of parents that would go away,
not to the cottage,
but they would go away for weekends at a time.
And their house was like the,
like party zone.
Yeah.
Party zone.
But they did a thing.
Did you do this where you put all the kind of breakables like away?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my parents' house is like, it's pretty nice and they're like very anal with things.
Right.
So I would like, it would be crazy.
Put all the Benoit balls away.
Yeah.
I'd put it all in their room and lock their door.
Like take my dad's stereo, like all the CDs.
Like I'd lug every little, my mom had trinkets everywhere.
Wow. Remember, like an angel broke one time the wing
and I spent like three days
gluing the wing back on and painting out.
Never noticed.
Really?
The only way I got caught,
I think like 10 years,
my parents took the carpets up
and got harder flooring.
And the guy's like,
like looked at the bottom of the carpet,
he's like, ooh.
Must have had a lot of parties here.
My parents are like,
no, he never had parties.
And the guy like turns over the rug and they're like, what the I must have had a lot of parties here. My parents are like, no, he never had parties. And the guy like, turns over the rug
and they're like,
what the fuck is that?
Just stains.
Because like,
we had a dog,
so my dad had all these like,
shout and dog stain things.
So the second there'd be one stain,
I'd be like on my hands and knees
like,
the cleaning was way more than parties.
I don't know why I did it.
It wasn't really worth it.
But it seems smart
because I like,
you know,
kids will have their parents
go away for one night and they'll try to throw a party really quick.
Oh, man.
Those kids were down.
That would make no sense.
But your parents being away for weeks, you can just sustain a lower level of party that never gets out of control.
But do you think...
Did you ever have to throw someone out of your house because you were like, I have to go to my job.
We had a crazy...
The cops came one night. We had a crazy fight one job. We had a crazy, the cops came one night.
We had a crazy fight one night
where the neighbors came over,
the cops came.
Like,
my sister was there.
I think,
yeah,
she was,
she was younger than me
and she's,
I like locked her in my parents' hotel.
She's still younger than me.
She's my bit.
Um,
she keeps catching up.
Uh,
but I remember like looking at my,
like my parents' bedroom window
and my friends just like beating the fuck,
these girls try to get in and they,
they came in the back of there from like a rival school.
Like they got invited to get out.
And then they snuck in the back door.
I'm like,
we just said,
you're not invited to get out.
And then this huge fight broke out.
Like,
Oh,
it's bad.
I just remember looking out and seeing one girl,
like grab the girl's face and slam into the curb.
I'm like,
Oh no,
this is getting really bad.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're like,
do it down the street.
Get out of my cul-de-sac that can you imagine going to a party where you like i feel like i'm not wanted at any
party i go to already but without people literally saying no you can't come in here i literally don't
want you to come in and then being like you know what uh look? Look at all the people who are great who never gave up.
Like Donna.
Yeah, Michael Jordan.
Napoleon.
The, yeah, like the, so like you would have parties all summer.
That was the thing.
So somebody probably lost their virginity at one of these parties.
No, it was very strict.
I was like a drill sergeant. No one was allowed upstairs.. I was like, I was like a drill sergeant.
No one was allowed upstairs.
So no,
that was like,
I blocked it off.
Yeah,
but was anyone allowed
down today?
If you saw the basement,
my parents would kill me
if they heard this.
It's like a dungeon.
Like my parents,
that was very nice.
The basement is like,
there's probably
been murders down there.
It's terrifying.
It's like way worse
than the home alone basement.
Way worse.
It's like,
I swear to God.
The scary furnace?
It's like that. It's like all scary furnace the home alone basement. Way worse. It's like, I swear to God. With the scary furnace? It's like that.
Right.
It's like all scary furnace.
Somebody did it down there.
Yeah.
Oh, probably.
Yeah.
Disgusting.
Oh, put it in my furnace.
Oh, Dave.
What?
Dave, you have a child sleeping upstairs.
We're having fun.
Yeah, we're having fun.
So you're down in Los Angeles, but you've been on the road for a whole, like
almost a month.
I've been on the road for almost a month.
Yeah.
It'll be a month and a half by the time I get fully home.
And you've, have you been like crash, crashing on couches and doing that style of road travel?
I kind of messed up.
I see my friend, Brian Cook, who's an improviser here.
I've been staying with him and his fiance and his fiance's friend on the pullout couch,
but I'm like, that's a lot of people's a lot of people on a pullout couch.
It's a small couch.
We sleep well together.
But now I'm with my friend Katie, who has a whole separate bedroom, who I should have just stayed there the whole time.
Right.
Kind of fucked up.
But yeah, I've been couching and not sleeping.
I was in Nelson.
Have you guys been to Nelson, BC before?
Yeah.
Yeah, I went to Nelson for four nights to see cousins that I haven't seen since I was like 12 years old.
How was that?
That was amazing.
Like, it was good?
Oh, it was so,
it was really crazy.
Like, it was really nice.
It's weird because
they moved out to Nelson
I think when they were
like three years old
and never came back.
And they're all like my age.
It was like,
I think one's 20.
There's like two girls
that I don't really know
how old they are.
And then there's three older boys
like 18,
or 19,
31,
and I don't know. It's crazy. They're close to my age, but it was- What's, 18 or 1931. And I don't know,
it's crazy.
They're close to my age,
but I don't know.
The girl's 19.
All the guys are like,
they're older.
I don't know.
And they,
like,
I saw pictures on Facebook of you with a kid. Yeah.
They all kids.
And they're very cute and sweet.
And I'm just not used to being around children.
It was a lot though.
Was this,
is this your first,
like,
does your, do any of your siblings have kids?
No
No
So this was your first like
Venture as an auntie
Yes
Or auntie
Because none of the Toronto family has kids
None of us
None of the cousins over there
And all of them
No one ever had sex in that house
No yeah
That's why
Because they knew the furnace would get them
It was a lot
Because I stayed in a little trailer
Which is awesome I had my own little trailer outside Oh cool But the kids thought It was a lot because I stayed in a little trailer, which is awesome.
I had my own little trailer outside.
Oh, cool.
But the kids thought it was a really funny game to wake me up every morning at seven
in the morning.
And they'd come and they'd pick the lock.
And I'm like, okay, well, this is a fun little thing.
They're kind of bad, but super cute.
And would they jump on the bed and wake you up?
Yeah, they'd come right in, roll around, and then they'd just climb all over you.
And I'm like, this is then my other cousin has two twin boys that are two. And they were just like, it was a lot. Rolling around naked and I'm like, this is then, my other cousin has two twin boys
that are two
and they were just like,
it was a lot.
Roaming around naked.
I'm like,
what is going on?
Like Nelson's very
free spirited.
It is very free spirited.
Yeah.
Two year olds love being naked.
I didn't realize that.
Yeah.
And I think I mentioned
your show last night.
You love being naked.
You're a big skinny dip guy.
Yeah.
In the water.
No one can see me in the dark.
I don't want to roam around
with lighting.
Oh, skinny dipping at night.
Night.
Yeah, you got to do it at night.
Oh, I didn't mention that.
Yes.
But how my,
their children are in like,
I was calling it like a wizard school
where it's like ages two to 10.
It's an open classroom,
which is one class.
They just roam around.
They don't,
there's no homework.
There's no tests.
There's no like,
they learn the alphabet
if they want to learn the alphabet.
Like, it's just like, I'm like, what do you guys do here?
So I went to pick the one girl up and there's like, they're all sitting in a circle and like, come join and sing along.
I'm like, I don't know.
It's an improvised song.
I'm like, I'm going to wait in the hallway right now.
Like, I don't want to be here right now.
It's crazy.
No tests.
And then like they have the schooling is they do activities at home.
Like it's very hippy dippy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a hippy dippy town.
It's crazy.
I was like,
I don't know how they learn.
I don't understand.
I mean,
I don't,
I think I went to regular school.
I would say I didn't learn anything there either.
Well,
yeah.
Like really for the amount of schooling I've done,
boy,
I don't think I learned.
I mean,
what did I learn?
Yeah. Socially, I think i learned i mean what did i learn yeah socially i think i learned yeah but i don't think i you know if i if i had to take a test that uh you know somebody
in grade 12 was taking i don't think i yeah i wonder how i would do if i took my provincial
exams again oh probably on the essay questions i'd do great yeah that's true essay questions you probably and i hated that stuff back then
like yeah i felt like you could bluster a lot on the essay question i was already pretty good at it
just i think no one else picked up not no one else but there were a lot of kids who never got, you know, let's put it into paragraphs.
Oh, yeah.
Let's start with the beginning and end with a conclusion.
And that conclusion better start with inconclusion.
Yeah.
I think I also, you know, therefore, when I learned that word.
Therefore was the second paragraph of every, like.
Therefore.
Therefore.
Yeah.
Furthermore.
Yeah, furthermore was the next sentence. Moreover. Yeah. Furthermore. Yeah, furthermore was an R.
Therefore and then furthermore was an X.
Moreover?
Yeah.
However.
When I found moreover, I went nuts with moreover.
Went to town with moreover.
Did you go to university after school?
I went to Humber College for the.
Oh, for comedy?
Mm-hmm.
Did you go to class with anybody else that is now also a comedian?
Yep.
Alison Hogg, Brian Cook, who's out here, Sarah Hillier, who's in the city.
Who else did you, Alex Tindall?
Oh, yes.
He's doing very well.
And like, do they point to you and say, hey, the Canadian Comedy Award winner came to our school?
I literally just got on the phone with Alison three days ago when I couldn't talk to her.
Humber now, they have this thing, alumni program, where they're really following up well three days ago when I couldn't talk to her Humber now they have this thing
alumni program
where they're like really
like following up with alumni
I hope they don't listen to this
and uh
they're like asking me these questions
they're trying to like
you know you're doing all these good things
can we talk
this guy did an interview with me yesterday
and I was like
they hated me at Humber
like they did not like me
like I
before we had two final sketch shows
and I was never cast in them
and like I got into stand-up
because I that's the only thing I got into.
They picked eight stand-ups at Showcase
and I got that.
They had to cast me in sketches
because no one cast me in anything.
So you were like,
more pepper, sir.
Yeah, they literally hated me.
None of the teachers supported me.
Some did,
but then I wasn't a favorite or anything.
And now all of a sudden,
they're up my butt about all these things.
They're like, so what did you learn at Humber? To be honest, the main thing was meeting Allison were like like I wasn't a favorite or anything and now all of a sudden they're up my butt about all these things like
so what did you learn
at Humber
I'm like
to be honest
like the main thing
was meeting like
Allison and like
you know
like Sarah
and Lauren Cochran
who was also
in our improv team
I met great people there
like that was a good connection
but like class wise
I'm like
and so the guy's like
so but what did you learn
at Humber
I'm like
that's it
I told you five times
the people
like that's
it's hard for people to like.
They were sitting around
in a circle.
They were singing
an improvised song.
Yeah, it was great.
It was great.
We took home a bag
of fucking crayons
and just ate them
as homework.
What colors do these make?
I never learned anything.
I think he wanted you
to say something specific
because people are free.
Like they can't charge you
to meet people. Yeah, I don't know don't know yeah that's true like you could just started doing stand-up of
them at people that's the thing like i find comedy is hard to the class the classes were
fine but i feel like i would have you know done as well if i just did shows right that's where
you get the experience of like doing stage time and i don't know writing some of the writing
classes were good because it gave you like a deadline to write stuff but it is weird like they will uh because i went to film
school and their big claim to fame was that kevin smith went there but he dropped out so yeah and
they're still like up yeah yeah and they're like but he went here and i'm like yeah i mean would
you but he dropped out though is that good my friend like well on you al they kicked him out
and uh because he was like whatever doing his, like, Al, they kicked him out. And, uh, because he was, like, whatever, doing his own costume, his own thing.
But kicked him out.
He's a blue man now.
He's in the blue man group.
He's been touring with the blue man group for, since he got kicked out of Humber.
What?
Yeah.
And it's like.
How did that happen?
Because he just had the exact look, and he's a drummer, and he's like.
He was already blue.
He's been blue.
He's very sick.
He's not well.
He was in Eiffel 65.
He's been sick for a long time. Yeah. He was been blue. He's very sick. He's not well. He was in Eiffel 65. He's been sick for a long time.
Yeah.
He was just,
he had the right look.
Bald,
blue,
turtleneck.
Yeah,
he's,
Alex Kelly.
Like a bald blue Steve Jobs.
And he still does it?
Still does it,
yeah.
He's currently living in Boston doing it.
Wow.
Yeah,
he's gone all over the world.
And I'm like,
you guys are kicking up the wrong people here.
So, like, the original guys, they don't do it anymore.
They do, yeah.
Really?
Yeah, they still do it.
Wow.
And now they have people like Al kind of co, like, they are pitching new ideas.
And he, like, writes some of the stuff for them, too, which is awesome.
Yeah.
And then they just.
Cool job.
Weird job, though.
Yeah, like, I've never seen it.
I've seen clips of it in things, but I don't know what it is.
It's really cool.
Have you seen it?
I've seen it.
We went to see him in Germany.
And it's like,
like it's a drumming?
No,
it's Highland dancing.
Oh yeah,
it's Highland.
They wear kilts,
yeah.
They're blue.
You can see their blue knees.
It's very,
it's very interesting.
It's very entertaining.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Would you ever?
Do that?
Do they let women in? Or is it only blue men group? Yeah. Break that blue? Do that? Do they let women in?
Or is it only blue men group?
Yeah.
Break that blue blood cell.
I'm with her.
I'll do it.
Lock her up.
It's also very,
like exactly what you look like.
Like you all have to,
because you look very similar,
right?
Yeah.
Like the exact same height,
the same body type.
Oh, right.
Like they have to be.
They have to be literally,
they're all the same height.
And they're very,
like thinner, taller men.
Maybe you couldn't.
I could be a blue man?
I think you could be a blue man.
You shaved your head.
Yeah, you could.
Okay.
I will.
You put a bald cap on anyways.
Okay.
Bye family.
See you never.
I'm going to Boston.
Oh, bald cap.
I don't know about a bald cap.
They never match my skin tone.
Well, it's blue.
Well.
It's never convincing, though.
You can always see a little bit of my hair through it.
Yeah, that's true.
I think they'd probably, they'd have a nice one.
Like, they'd have one of the pro ones.
Not one of those.
Yeah, not a plastic one.
Yeah, the ones you get for Halloween that disintegrate.
Sometimes, and then they're like.
Oh, peel. Yeah, they're not. I don't know what. Sometimes, and then they're like... Oh, peel.
Yeah, they're not...
I don't know what color of skin that is, those bald head things.
It's like peach.
The ear flaps kind of...
Or like the sideburns flop around.
Yeah, the skin sideburns.
Why are these even here?
Well, to cover your hair sideburns.
Because you're not going to be...
That's not a good look.
Completely bald with sideburns.
Just like to your earlobes
that is kind of a weird look bald with just sideburns i think the guy maybe the guy from
aqua had that look oh yeah didn't he have also that just a little square a little soul patch
but that was it was a different time everybody had the soul patch
none of the friends ever did though now they think of it i was oh man did you a soul patch
no but i was watching friends the other day and ross's hair is out of control in every
every season it's a different mistake his hair was a no like it i thought the whole like i was
watching it on mute yeah and i thought oh the only way to watch friends and I was doing something else and I was like
oh this scene
must be about
his hair
about how crazy
his hair looked
it wasn't
I don't remember
I remember that he had
like a short
you know
like the Caesar cut
yeah
kind of
oh is it really gelled
yeah
yeah and then he had
like a really gelled
and then he had a gel
like sort of slicked back
big slicked back
like voluminous
yeah he had like a really big kindicked back, like, voluminous.
Yeah, he had, like, a really big, kind of like. And then just voluminous.
It was kind of like his hair in the OJ thing.
It was similar, like, up and crazy.
Oh, to have that kind of thick hair.
That's true.
Oh, boy.
You could do that.
Just tease yours.
No, no.
This is thin.
This is baby elephant hair I've got.
Yeah, it's just very, you know.
Never touched a baby elephant.
I would have no idea.
Oh, you got to.
Hey, my first bit, speaking of baby elephant,
that I ever did on stage, so bad.
The baby elephant walk song was on my Fido phone.
The bomb.
Yeah.
And I thought I had this funny dance I would do,
so I'd play it and do it on stage to silence.
Just like my first five sets.
No, not silence.
You had the song.
The song, but just my family watching the,
this is what my child decided.
Maybe that's why people at Humber didn't like me.
Actually, now that I look back,
maybe I was just really bad.
No wonder no one supported me then.
It was garbage.
Oh my God.
I never invited my family to any show ever,
but oh, the idea of him coming to my
first show oh yeah and then lying and saying it was good i was like it was bad and they were like
we want our phyto phone but i feel it sucks that i like i would invite so many friends out i'm sure
everyone does when you first start and you're shit and then your friends stop coming because
they're like oh i don't want to watch this fucking trash anymore. I never invited friends. I did it very much in secret the first while.
Really?
Yeah, there was, because I just, yeah, I thought if I stink, I don't want.
Ditto.
Yeah, I don't want this on record with my friends, Chandler and Joey.
And I also want to know that the laughs I'm getting aren't from people who don't want me to feel bad because they're my friends.
That's why I always thought that was a bit weird when people would pack a club with their friends
because i'm like you could have done that did you do that when i first started oh yeah really like
when i first first started yeah and what but like weren't you kind of afraid that the reaction was
just because they were there yeah but then they wouldn't laugh at all i was like oh shit
not even my friends are supporting me.
Time to go with plan B.
Man, you know what really drives me crazy?
Remember, was that Shaggy?
Yep.
Shaggy used that sample.
Did he actually?
Yeah.
In real?
Oh, my God.
Was it from Dumb and Dumber?
Maybe the Dumb and Dumber soundtrack.
Yeah.
Good soundtrack.
Really good soundtrack.
Peter Pumpkinhead.
Dead Eye Dick was on there.
And then
look at you now.
Canadian Comedy Award winner.
Living in Los Angeles.
You can't use that credit in the States.
Canadian Comedy Award?
I think I said it once and then I just heard
the crowd go,
can he even call
the comedy awards?
I'm like,
I'm not.
It should,
like,
it sounds more legitimate
than it is.
It does.
But then when people
say it now,
it almost looks like
too much.
You over there.
I've been looking at them,
yeah.
But,
in your living situation,
you by yourself?
No,
I had a roommate,
Robbie Hoffman,
another female comedian. Robbie's not a girl's name. But, but, but, but by yourself? No, I had a roommate, Robbie Hoffman, another female comedian.
Robbie's not a girl's name.
She's gay, I'm telling her.
I don't know why that matters.
And now Amanda McParran.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm going back to Toronto next week,
and me and her are driving across the United States of America.
Yeah, my parents are giving me Slash.
I have to pay them at some point for their Honda CRV.
Wow.
Yeah, we're doing a little road trip across the states.
That's a quality automobile.
It's a nice car.
It's a very nice vehicle.
I'm going to stuff it with her shit and whatever stuff.
I want to bring my records and stuff.
So you've been living in LA carless?
Oh, yeah.
Whoa.
Oh, yeah.
I've been biking.
Oh, wow. I cycle. And you know what? The transit in LA is pretty good. It's terrifying.. Oh yeah. Whoa. Oh yeah. I've been biking. Oh wow.
I cycle.
And you know what?
The transit in LA
is pretty good.
It's terrifying.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I heard about this
one bus that could
not go less than
50 miles an hour.
Otherwise,
kablooey.
Oh,
okay.
I just saw Speed
actually for the first time.
What?
Literally at the,
at an outside,
uh,
in the Hollywood Cemetery,
they play like movies
on the weekends.
That's respectful.
Turns into a big...
Speed only.
That's the only movie they play.
Jesus, so you ride your bike everywhere.
I was, yeah.
It's not that bad.
I'm very central.
Okay.
It's called Little Armenia.
It's East Hollywood. It's between silver lake and echo park and stuff so for show wise the farthest
bike ride i would do would be 45 minutes to like the comedy store but then i just stopped going
there so i would just just go to improv it's only 20 minutes the improv right oh wow yeah so and
then trip across america where are you gonna go uh we're doing chicago kansas city denver vegas just for us because amanda's never
been so i want to get her wait crazy the whole trip is just for you well yeah we're doing shows
everywhere but vegas oh you're doing shows yeah we're doing shows in all the cities yeah and then
las vegas you're gonna go crazy oh yeah of course where are you staying i don't know yeah we're
trying to look for a cheap hotel no no stay at the Stay at the best hotel. Oh, no. Airbnb.
Vegas Airbnb is the way to go.
I wonder what the situation is on the strip.
I actually want to look now.
Airbnb-wise?
On the strip.
Oh, yeah.
You could probably still stay at the Tam O'Shanter.
They've probably listed a couple of rooms on the Airbnb.
Anything to get people in the door.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Really?
Yeah, there's some like not.
Well, the issue is we're not going to be in the hotel.
Excuse me.
Where are you going to be?
Yeah.
You know, you're staying in the hotel.
As soon as we get there, I want to take her through all the other hotels and just get her hammered.
Yeah.
I've been to Vegas like five times, so I've done it.
What's your favorite?
Favorite hotel?
I like the Flamingo.
It's old school.
It's right in the middle.
You don't have to walk a year to get anywhere else.
You had to walk for a year?
It's a very long, long trip.
Oh, I'm glad you got this Honda CRV now.
Drive from hotel to hotel.
Drive through.
Coming through.
Beep, beep.
Oh, it's going to be exhausting, though.
Get out of the way, sex in the city slavagee.
Do you gamble? I gamble, yeah. Yeah? what's your game i play poker okay really yeah
because i i i you kind of can like i try to teach my sister too i'm like so when i we were there we
got kind of drunk and i just try to play i wore a pretty revealing shirt and then i try to act like
i don't know and then i kind of like acted like i know how to play right and then i had like three kings at one point so i just i wait till i get a lot of money that i like I don't. That's one of those days, what I do. I kind of acted like I didn't know how to play, and then I had three kings at one point,
so I wait until I get a lot of money that I leave.
I don't have that thing where I'm like,
got to keep going, so I won like 600 bucks.
I'm like, goodbye.
The whole table's like, what the fuck?
I just took it and left.
But you could have won 700.
I only put down 60 bucks.
Do you ever do the slot machines?
When's the last time?
Because I'm always curious what the newest ones,
like the newest properties that have,
like Sex and the City or Minions.
Is there a Minions machine?
Oh, there's definitely a new Ghostbusters machine.
You can bank on it.
I think I did a Game of Thrones one, actually.
I was really high on mushrooms.
Actually, again, maybe you have a problem.
In Windsor at the casino, which that was a trip.
That's Canada's Vegas. I thought. Windsor. Oh,, which that was a trip. That's Canada's Vegas.
I thought.
Windsor.
Oh God, it was fucked up.
Yeah, I played that for a couple of minutes,
but it's really hard to play slot machines when you're high on mushrooms.
You get really tripped out.
I'll tell you that right now.
And I thought everybody had no legs.
I'm like, I got to get out of here.
I couldn't find the door.
Colin Mochrie was there under the table.
Hello.
Dave, what's going on with you, man?
Well, it's that time of year.
Oh, yeah.
I think I probably talk about this every year when mice start coming inside my house.
Oh, gosh.
You have a nice summer outside.
Yeah.
And then it's like their cottage.
You have a party while the mice are gone.
And this year in the roof of the house, squirrels were coming in.
Oh, boy. They're bad. They're the worst. Well, rats, I think, are the worst the house, squirrels were coming in. Oh, boy. Oh, they're bad.
They're the worst.
Well, rats, I think, are the worst.
I think squirrels are worse.
They're more aggressive.
Well, yeah, apparently, according to my neighbor who lives up at the top, because we got like a pest.
Oh, you got an exterminator.
Yeah.
But they don't exterminate.
They seal up anywhere, any places that animals could get in on the outside.
Right.
And they trap them in.
No, no.
They use a, it's like a one-way door where they found the hole that the squirrels could get out of or get into.
Oh, and then it's like a one.
Then they can get out, but they can't go back in.
Right.
And so, but apparently the squirrel was very aggressively can't go back in. Right. But apparently the squirrel was
very aggressively
trying to get back in.
I left my laptop in there.
What is this thing like?
Is it like, you know, a picture like this.
When you drive over
that thing with the
spikes, but you can't drive
back?
Like as I think, so the squirrels can
sort of, it just rips them to
shreds when they try to go back in.
Very morbid. I don't know what kind of.
I don't know what it looks like exactly,
but I imagine it sort of, you know,
got some kind of. Like a flap?
Yeah, some flap that only moves
one way. Okay. Yeah. And then the
squirrels. And then there's spikes.
So bad.
Like, I had it all.
I had it all.
My nightmare is that the squirrel is like, all right, I just gave birth to this litter
of baby squirrels.
I'm just going to go outside and get some nuts.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Calling the other squirrels.
Do you have my key?
And we had a, I saw a mouse in my bathroom uh shaving just his face i was on mushrooms um i'm sorry to say what i saw no but i i abby laughed so hard
because i i went into the bathroom one night and i turned on the light and he, he or she came running back out towards me.
And I, I, I didn't scream, but it was more of like a, like stepping around it.
And we saw, I saw another mouse run just right by our back door while the door was open.
Abby saw one up on our counter.
Oh, man.
And discovered it had been eating tortillas.
Like, we went through, like, food that had been.
Dipping it into salsa.
You're like, okay, well.
It's riding on it.
And so, yeah.
So, I, like, anytime I see one mouse, I assume there are 10.
Yeah. Or 100 living in the wild.
Yeah.
But one day we caught one on a glue trap.
What was the...
Well, I had to finish the job.
Yep.
On the side.
I injected it with morphine.
Yep.
A lethal dose, so it was happy.
Yeah.
And, yeah.
So are they all...
I killed one.
Yeah, are they all encountered for?
We haven't seen any more.
Okay.
I expect there are more.
Now, you put the dead one on a spike to let all the other ones know?
They...
This is going to...
The exterminator says that once they close up the outside,
any places they can get in,
that's when they start to get desperate
because they can't go inside and outside anymore to get.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
So we might see more,
but it's been like five days and nothing yet.
Just a squirrel frantically trying to get back inside.
You could.
Well, cats are good.
Actually, I don't like cats, but I had a mouse problem in Toronto.
We got cats and it was gone immediately.
Or you could use my dad has a homemade trap.
What would I use to get rid of the cats?
A dog.
Yeah.
My dad has a homemade trap that he calls the wheel of death.
And it's a bucket.
Yeah.
And he makes it on the cottage and it kind of works. It's very insane. I wish I had a wheel of death. And it's a bucket. Yeah. And he makes it at the cottage
and it kind of works.
It's very insane.
I wish I had a photo of it.
He puts like a spindle,
like a thing that spins.
Oh, I've seen this on the internet.
And then he puts like a ramp up to it
and puts like peanut butter
all around the spindle.
And then he puts antifreeze in the bottom.
So the mice run up
and they get the peanut butter
and then they slip in
and then they drown.
See, but it feels like
it's antifreeze
I guess you don't need antifreeze
my dad's been
drastic with that
I think
then he goes
then he lights the whole thing
up
yeah
and then we go
marshmallows around it
we all have s'mores
it's a family tradition
oh man
but then he left it outside
by accident
we caught like
six chipmunks
and we got really upset
you caught 16?
no like six chipmunks oh I got really upset you got 16 no like six
chipmunks oh i cried because i was like they're dead yeah they're our friends they're our allies
they're our alvins um so yeah uh the oh and it's the maybe the thing in the world that stresses me out the most. Vermins? Vermin, varmints. Yeah. So lay off me!
Wow, Jesus Christ.
Oh, he's edgy.
For God's sakes.
Better than cockroaches.
Well, do cockroaches do anything bad?
I saw one right before I came out here.
It was the size of a fucking cat.
In your apartment?
Yeah.
Oh, man.
I mean, you want to talk about if you see one,
that's cockroaches
never travel alone there.
You got one.
You know what?
That Hayes,
your new roommate say
it's your,
this is what you got to do.
Get rid of the cockroaches.
Amanda.
Yeah.
She doesn't know
about that cockroach.
Oh,
you saw one in Los Angeles
right before I left.
Yeah.
Cause I had none
the whole time I was there
and right like the day before I was leaving, I'm like, fuck off.
And he's doing like the, hello, my baby.
You actually were.
I swear to God.
And I was stoned again.
I may be on the right side.
I don't know if I'm ever not high.
Am I high now?
I might be.
But I didn't know how to get it, and I had to trap it.
And it was a big ordeal.
Because apparently, if you kill them, it does that thing.
Have you heard that?
More eggs come out or something?
Oh!
I hate farmers more eggs
come out
how many eggs
normally come out
eggs come out of the butt
or something
when you kill it
and the more
but then there's another
guy
another
come along
and fertilize them
yeah I don't understand it
I just heard that rumor.
Spawn all over them?
There are the thing with jellyfish,
right? Where if you smash
a jellyfish, all they do is just
basically...
Become ten jellyfish.
Yeah.
So that maybe is...
I don't know. I don't know nothing about car.
I know that they can spread to
themselves out so they're as thin as a piece of paper. I know that. Oh, I don't know. I don't know nothing about cockroaches. I know that they can spread themselves out so they're as thin as a piece of paper.
I know that.
Oh.
Oh, God.
Yeah, because they're built like layers.
They do those flat as a board, light as a feather, close exercises.
When they're teenagers.
When they're teenage cockroaches.
Cockroaches, I'm sure, don't need group therapy.
No, no.
They exist as a group.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Although they probably wouldn't do well on those walking on hot coals.
Okay, who's next?
We set up some hot coals at the cottage in these six chipmunks.
Anyway.
Graham, what's going on with you?
I went away this? Um I went
I went away this weekend
I went to Victoria
Oh
To do
We'll be back in Victoria
On October 22nd
Yeah
For a live
Stop podcasting yourself
So get there
And be there
And enjoy
And then leave
What were you doing there?
Doing shows
Doing shows
At the Heckler's Comedy Club
And uh I get to stay In a hotel While you're there Yep doing shows doing shows at the heckler's comedy club and uh i get to stay
in a hotel while you're there yeah and my big thing when i'm in a hotel is i watch just watch
tv i do not have tv so watching tv is like i love it like i forget how much fun it is to just turn
on tv and whatever's on is on that's what you're're watching. So I'll watch some of a golf
and then
some of a
whatever else.
You usually
correct me if I'm wrong
you usually stick
towards the
TLC.
I do like the TLC.
The A&E.
They didn't have the TLC.
Oh.
They had A&E.
They had Showcase.
They had something
that was just playing movies
so I watched the
2001
Planet of the Apes reboot
Mark Wahlberg
Oh boy
Yeah great
And I watched The Warriors
Was just on
So I've never seen it
I've never seen it either
It's pretty good
Have you ever seen it?
Do you know about it? It's, you,
do you know about it?
Yeah,
I think so.
Warriors going to bring it.
Yeah,
and there's like, Is that like that?
Yeah,
I saw that scene.
The guy's got bottles on his fingers?
Yep.
Those are glasses,
but you get the idea.
And,
yeah,
so like,
but when I was watching it,
I was like,
how come like Netflix or whatever
doesn't have just a random option where you just go on and you press random and then whatever comes up
that's what you're watching because i think i spend a lot of time like yeah looking and then
going yeah i want to see that but not really but if it was just on i'd be like well i guess i'm
watching it because i can easily just watch whatever. Or, oh, I want to watch something that's 84 minutes long.
And just like that.
Yeah, yeah.
You could pick some filters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But then you just press random and then whatever comes on, that's what you're watching.
I like that.
Yeah.
Not a bad.
Yeah, it's kind of fun.
What, Wikipedia has that.
Have you ever used it?
No.
What?
Where is it?
On the front page. says it has like an article
of the day but it also you can just pick a random article.
Oh cool.
And then just learn but that's
learning. That's reading.
I want to have a thing that actually takes
intelligence out of my head.
Which watching TV I think does right?
Subtract intelligence
that maybe you previously had?
No.
We're in the golden age of TV. It's an art form now. I think it does, right? Subtract intelligence that maybe you previously had? No, no. No.
We're in the golden age of TV.
Oh, that's right.
I keep forgetting.
It's an art form now.
Oh, yeah, because Kevin James is back on TV.
Yeah.
Oh, boy, that guy can wait.
I really actually find Kevin James funny.
He is funny.
Yeah, he's funny.
I'm like, I actually always found him.
Oh, they're shitting on him because he's making the exact same show he just stopped making
like a year ago.
Oh, okay. Yeah. The formula that everyone's making the exact same show he just stopped making like a year ago. Oh, okay.
Yeah.
The formula that everyone was tired of.
Well, not everyone, apparently.
But they also, I think they took the name of his show, King of Queens, and then they just started calling him the King of Comedy.
I was like, nah, that royalty is not transferable.
He's the King of Queens.
Yeah, he's the King of Queens.
He's not the King of Comedy.
Anyway. Who is the King of Comedy? he's the king of queens He's not the king of comedy Anyway
Who is the king of comedy?
In your eyes
In my eyes
In your eyes
Peter Gabriel
Bill Cusper
What?
Why are you making that face?
I mean
Yeah
Who's the king of
Subway sandwiches?
Jared Fogle
Oh boy
You gotta get a newspaper
Ask me who the king of football is OJ Simpson Who's the king of of Subway Sandwich. Jared Fogle. Oh boy, you gotta get a newspaper.
Ask me who the king of football is.
OJ Simpson.
Who's the king of...
I'm trying to think
of another bad...
baddie.
Another baddie?
And then,
so you take the ferry
to go over to...
You take the ferry,
you take the bed,
you take them both
and there you have
a trip to Victoria. Yeah, exactly uh they still have the arcades on the ferry on the ferry boats
oh it's video arcades oh yeah and it's uh i don't get who it's for i maybe for the adults it's
certainly not for kids because they have an entire arcade at their disposal all the
time oh right in their in their pants in their in their pants yeah something to play with 24 hours
a day yeah um but yeah it's did you ever stay at a hotel when you were a kid and there was a sign
saying arcade this way and you were like yes yeah and uh it's just an old-timey word for like a
bunch of shops like yeah this is what we call an arcade yeah it's like a british term like just
like a like a kind of not a strip mall but kind of it would be usually on the bottom like the
basement of the hotel it would just be a bunch of shops yeah i did have that exact experience
and your dad's like go for it yeah exactly well i can't afford a fur hat
but it's weird to see an arcade because who plays an arcade well they are getting rid of them
are they really very reason yeah because nobody plays yeah. Because nobody plays them. Yeah, no one
like, it's not a
cash cow anymore. No one's pumping quarters.
Yeah, and then they also, I
guess this was a thing they did
to not be associated
with guns or whatever, but there's gun
games that are there.
Gun Gun Revolution.
Shoot Shoot Revolution.
Gun Tar Hero. But the gun has been replaced by a block with a button on it.
So it's not, it's still in the holster and you still hold it up.
Like a block of wood?
Well, no, like it's a metal block with like a red button on it that you just, like a remote.
Does it have, like, are you aiming it?
Yeah.
Does it have an aimer? That's funny? Yeah. Does it have an aimer?
Yeah, but it's just this yellow block with a button on it.
I think that's cool.
Yeah, it is pretty cool.
Blocks don't kill people.
Yeah, but then what if kids have a weird, violent relationship with cheese?
Oh, is that what it looks like?
Yeah, it looks like a yellow block.
Cheese.
Nibbles out of it.
Yeah, so a road on the ferry where everybody lets their kids just go bananas.
That seems to be the theme.
Just let your kid free range as soon as we're out on the water.
Well, they're not going anywhere.
That's true.
Yeah, you know, very few people.
I was saying that.
Very few people fall off the ferry for how many ferry trips there are and how stupid people are.
I'm surprised.
Would you go?
Do you die if you,
does it take you under?
What?
If you fall off the side of the ferry?
Because, you know,
there's all that, like,
waves and stuff.
Yeah, I think it would
definitely kill you.
You couldn't fall off
and swim away?
I could.
Dave could.
Yeah, Dave definitely could.
But I wouldn't do it naked.
What if it was at night
and we were all drunk
and on mushrooms?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well then, okay.
Yeah.
I think maybe once every couple of years someone falls off and I don't think they always die.
No.
How do they fall off?
Just looking too hard over the edge?
Like, you're not drunk.
No, but a lot of people are really doing a lot of dumb posing.
And I think maybe you drop like your phone, you scramble for it, and then all of a sudden you're in the water.
Okay. That kind of but i'm surprised that doesn't happen every week because there's not them there's no safeguards against it there's like a railing but it's very
followable there are it's a short railing yeah apparently there are like tons of suicides off
of the bridges of the bridges yeah that don't like Off the bridges, yeah. That don't, like, it just happens so often
that they don't even report it.
Like the Broad Bridge?
Like these bridges?
Maybe the Lionsgate.
Yeah, the Second Arrows.
You couldn't survive that?
No.
Oh, no, no.
But how would those cliff-jumping guys do it?
They jump off bridges like the Red Bull guys.
I don't know.
How does that work?
Oh, well, if they're, because they do, like, for the Red Bull thing, they have this water.
The water's moving.
Like, don't they, like, spray water on the surface?
Because that's different.
Because I saw this one guy, though, who jumped off a bridge.
This, like, weird guy with super long hair.
I don't know why.
His hair was, like, down his, like, ass.
But he, like like would dive off
these fucking huge bridges
right
into like water
and like survive
are you sure he's still alive
I
try to google it
yeah
but
it's like a
pretty famous way
to kill yourself
jumping off a bridge
yeah but usually
not into water
but usually
like in Toronto
the people that would jump off
are like
we have a blue or viaduct bridge
now you can't because they put these things up years ago but like they would the people that would jump off are like we have a blue or viaduct bridge. Now you can't
because they
put these
things up
years ago
but like
they would
jump into
just jump
off the dock.
But traditionally
bridges are
over water.
I guess.
Yeah.
That makes sense.
It's I think
if you
I'm stupid.
I went to
that school
in Nelson
I just
built a bridge
across
nothing.
Yeah.
If it's still water you basically when you hit it.
It's like cement, right?
Yeah, it's like cement.
And so I think even when you see an Olympic diving, they're moving the water.
Oh, yeah, they're a little splashy, bubbly thing.
Because otherwise it would be like the impact is twice as much or whatever.
So that's, yeah.
But, yeah, like people.
But I think if you fell off the ferry, I don't think the fall would kill you.
No, it's not that high.
I think you get sucked under the, you know, whatever you call that thing on the side, the stream or the wake.
For people who live in a maritime culture, we don't know anything about boats.
Couldn't tell you starboard from port.
At least you can name them.
What are the other two
stern and bow yes yeah that's very good but i don't know which one is which so somebody's like
it's the same as like this stage left
well which one is hamlet on and which one am i yorick playing york i don't know the play you know these yorks the scully talks oh okay yeah oh alas yeah that guy that would be that would be who you'd be cast of in the
sketch at humber yeah they'd be like yeah you know what cut the skull we have enough people on stage
cut the skull we're gonna use a pumpkin um all also the thing was, uh, driving to the ferry, uh, because we're in October or, well, when this comes out as October, a lot of people picking their own, uh, pumpkins out in a pumpkin patch.
I guess that's, uh, I don't understand.
And they start in September.
They're out there.
There was a, um, I saw a mother with two kids, uh, just going into the grocery store and the kids were like, oh, let's get, and they had pumpkins.
Let's get our pumpkin.
We can carve it.
And it was mid-September in the moment.
Like, no, no, if we carve it, it'll just get rotten.
And then they saw all these weird decorative gourds that are all like those weird different shape things.
For the horn of planting.
Yeah.
And the kids were like, oh, these ones are already rotten.
They have weird warts on them it is early to be picking out a pumpkin i know but people love pumpkin spice thing oh they do they want to people the moment it's september 21st
give me them sweaters it's true and uh people are out there it's a couple's thing i guess you go
pick out a pumpkin together. Is it?
Well, it's not a single person thing.
I'm going to make it one.
I'm going to get a whole team of singles together.
We're all going to go out there naked and just pick our own fucking pumpkins and leave.
That's what's going to happen.
We're going to go do mushrooms.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But have you ever done a couple hayride? Well, yeah, some couple thing that you would never do.
Because I was with Ben McGinnis, who has been on the show before.
Yeah.
And he said that he had had to do that once.
And I was like, yeah, that seems like a thing only couples do.
Like, go to an orchard go to apple picking or whatever couples and
parents oh yeah yeah that's where abby and i have been together for 15 16 years and uh none of that
stuff we would never do any of that stuff now if we didn't have a kid right and now it's like all
right well let's you know we're gonna go to the get in the back of a wagon and sit here in a freezer
tits off the whole time
have you ever had
no
I didn't do a couple
of things like that
now I want to ruin
people's couple things
like now I want to go
just be the third wheel
on a hayride
you guys enjoying yourself
me too
you bring a harmonica
just here to practice
the air is good for it
going to town so bad
uh yeah i don't think i've ever been on anything like i don't you know not that i can recall i've
never done anything that where it would just be only couples or like you say like parents with a
kid uh well you know those um there's that like uh yeah what's the the christmas train
that they have yeah yeah yeah that's another one you would go by yourself yeah yeah go sit on the
christmas train or go through a corn maze by yourself one to take everyone marco marco
um yeah i guess i can see why some people are talking about how lonely christmas is
because it's all things that you can't do by yourself yeah and then then now they're
trying to make halloween into the lonely thing too couples costumes oh my god twix Costumes. Oh, my God. Twix. What are you doing?
Should we move on to overheards?
Yeah.
Yeah.
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Overheard.
Overheard.
Hey, Graham.
Yes.
We last spoke, you were talking Hey, Graham. Yes? We last spoke.
You were talking about Twix.
Yes.
Have you seen those commercials where there's the two competing Twix factories?
Yes.
That's the thinnest of premises.
It is very thin.
Have you seen that?
No.
Where the right Twix factory rivals with the left Twix factory.
I don't think Twix ever had rivals with the left Twix factory. I don't think
Twix ever had a good campaign.
Because wasn't their slogan, Twix, it kicks?
Yeah. It was a good campaign.
It was a cool 90s guy. He was on the TV
show Madison. Yeah. And he was just
doing, you know,
90s stuff. Standing in a room,
drinking out of a big coffee cup.
Yeah. Yeah. Chandler
being around his bank.
Now, Overheards.
Good bar though.
Oh, absolutely.
One of the best.
Good crunch.
We always like to start the segment, Overheards, with the guest.
Do you have one?
Are you ready to go?
Yes, I do.
Locked and loaded?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The first day I came here to Vancouver, I met up with some friends and went to a bar
at the Cobalt.
But right beside it, there's like a karaoke thing going on there. Yeah, the sidecar, and went to a bar at the Cobalt. But right beside it,
there's like a karaoke thing
going on there.
Yeah, the sidecar,
I think it's called.
Yeah.
And there's this girl
that was very annoying,
just talking like,
apparently she,
my friends were saying
that she's like studying
about people and stuff
and not getting the hit,
like very close talk
or like moving back.
And I just heard it
at some point across the page.
She's like,
well, anyways,
I got to get back
to my beekeeping.
I'm like,
I'm sorry, you what?
She's like, first of all, who doesn't open with being a beekeeper like why are you ending the conversation on being a beekeeper like that's a pretty big thing to talk about so where are you
in your home well i gotta get to my beekeeping what's on the hat yeah like you're beekeeping
in your actual house right now like this is crazy and wow, you can't, it's not a puppy. You can leave the bees alone.
Yeah.
It seemed very insane.
I left the lid off the bees.
Oh boy.
30 year old girl beekeeping at her house in Vancouver.
Wow.
It's very odd.
It was apiary.
Is that what you are when you're a beekeeper?
Yeah.
It was like a hobby of hers.
Like it's like a side project.
Right.
Cause I know a guy in Prince George that does that.
And, you know, just as a fun thing.
Apparently, once you set it up, they kind of do the rest.
Look, I've read some news.
There's plenty of bees.
We don't need any more bees.
Okay?
Don't keep them.
Just chuck them.
Yeah.
I'm a bee chucker.
That's why the headline was bees schmies.
Yeah.
I get it.
Oh, please.
I get it.
Dave, do you have an overheard?
Mine's an overseen.
This is, speaking of thin premises, this isn't much of anything.
It was when I was in Toronto like a month and a half ago, maybe two months ago.
Time is slipping into the future.
But I was walking between places.
I don't even know the neighborhood I was in.
They all look the same.
Townhouses and townhouses and townhouses and townhouses.
And I was walking.
You're slagging, you're sitting.
I don't know why.
I love Toronto so much.
It's more condos also, but anyway.
Not where I was.
I was in the townhouse area that seems to be widespread.
Anyway, so I was walking past this house,
and just everything about this,
it was just a total package.
You had to be there.
I'm going to tell it.
It's not going to go well.
I called it the peace house. just a total package you had to be there i'm gonna tell it it's not gonna go well i i called
it the peace house this is a house that has a giant four foot light up uh peace sign in the
window okay like that you plug they plug in every night yeah uh bumper stickers on the front door
uh pride a pride flag in the window it was down the street from this place called like artscape
young place oh yeah yeah wow this is uh and the bumper the bumper sticker on the door said It was down the street from this place called Artscape Young Place. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
This is the neighborhood.
And the bumper sticker on the door said, I'm already against the next war.
Cool.
Are you around the college and bathhouse area?
I don't know.
Well, Artscape is that college in Dovercourt, I think.
Sure.
So, yeah.
Is that a hippie area?
No.
That's why it's very odd.
Is that a hippie place? No, that's why it's very odd. Is that a hippie place?
No,
I don't think.
Artscape young place.
It sounds like,
what is it?
No,
it's like a bunch of like local artists,
like just sell their stuff.
Ah,
okay.
It seems like a place you would bring young people to do art.
Yeah.
To pick up the profits.
Maybe I don't know what the fuck that place is.
I don't,
I want to know what the place is.
Anyway,
it was was I was
scrounging for an overseen
anyway I'm already against the next war
that's just how anti-war
I am yeah I don't even want to hear
your argument yeah even if it's
against robo hitler
yeah sure against it
or skeletor yeah skeletor hitler skeletor robo hitler Even if it's against Robo Hitler. Yeah, sure. Against it. Or Skeletor.
Yeah, Skeletor Hitler.
Skeletor Robo Hitler.
So scary.
Right?
Because he's got a skeleton face.
But then, you know when a skeleton's super scary when it has hair on it?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
I know.
But it tries to cover it up with one of those bald wigs.
With the skins just flapping around.
Yeah, don't wear that bald wig for my benefit, Skeleton.
By the way, Toronto's lovely.
I like Toronto a lot.
Everyone out here, I feel like, hates Toronto.
I like it.
Okay.
I go there.
I go for the French Festival every year.
Oh, yeah.
That's fun.
French.
I like it. I go for the French Festival every year. Oh yeah, that's fun. I like it.
I like a queen.
I like a college.
I like a Bathurst.
Oh, you love Ossington.
I love Ossington.
Absolutely.
You love all the streets.
Those are all of the streets.
Blur. I like Blur.
Oh sure, Oasis, Blur.
Pulp.
My overseen, as courtesy of
one of the many motels
in the area where I was
staying. You know those like wooden
Victoria.
You know those wooden owls that people will put up
to discourage birds from
nesting there?
So this motel, I guess, thought more was better.
Had about six of them all in this one corner.
And down the side of the corner, just bird shit everywhere.
So if anything, it was just like, people were like, this is bird friendly.
Look how many owls there are. Yeah.
This motel is the place.
Were the owls themselves covered in it uh i didn't get it i didn't get a good enough look
okay probably because i have a i have a better overseen oh yeah sorry come on i don't know
you're allowed this you are allowed this um i have photo evidence too of it. I think I said it at my second show too last night.
Yeah.
Flying from San, I got layover in San Fran from LA this year.
Yep.
And, uh, in line to get on the flight, guy going, coming to BC, uh, he had a baseball
hat and a man bun.
Um, but not, not a man bun at the back of his head.
He had snipped the tip of his hat, cut a hole for his man bun
to be on the top
of his head.
I couldn't get over it.
I took three,
four photos.
I'm sending it
to all my friends.
I'm like losing
my mind on this man bun.
It's two in front of me.
Just see the bun
the whole time.
I was losing it.
I'm golfing
last week.
Never golfed in my life.
The golf course
down way,
I don't know where it is.
It's an M.
I'm not sure.
It's in Vancouver.
Manitoba.
Yeah.
I see out of the corner of my eye on like the hole beside us a man bun i'm like no look over same fucking guy in the same goddamn hat with the same man bumping him this guy's like following
me around vancouver now but what a weird you don't think of a man you guys show pictures on your
thing yeah yeah uh but you don't consider a guy with a man bun, like a top knot.
Yeah.
Imagine you'll see him golfing later.
That's exactly.
And like, also put it out the back.
Like you wasted, like it was a nice hat.
Like that's like a $50 baseball cap.
Also I thought that you did the man bun, you know, like when you're running out of the house, you do the man bun.
Cause you're, uh, you don't have time to wash your hair or whatever.
Yeah.
And then you would put on a baseball hat instead of the man bun.
Yes, exactly.
Put it on the back for a little scrunchie.
Exactly.
Yeah, fun.
So I've just never seen this type of thing before.
It blew my mind.
Are you going to show the picture?
Yeah, I'm going to look for the picture right now.
Oh, your phone.
Yeah, I'm going to turn it back on.
Well, we also have overheards And overseens sent in
From people around the world
If you want to send one in to us you can send it in to
SPY at MaximumFun.org
This first one
Comes
This is from my brother's wife
Renee
In Calgary, Alberta
I have an overheard
Hi Renee
Thanks for the invite to the wedding. Yours is still in the mail.
An overheard from the Body Worlds exhibit in
Calgary. Rene and I are in a fight. Oh, no!
A real Hatfield and McCoy.
So this is a woman in a super soft whisper.
Your urethra is longer than mine.
And then the man in a super soft whisper goes, yes.
Well, it would have to be.
I guess, eh?
It hangs outside the body.
But him being that excited about it is really hilarious.
Do you have to whisper at the body world exhibit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because otherwise.
You wake them up
Their bodies come to life
Their eyes shift
Oh, did you see that clip? It was a fake, but it was so scary
They have like a body of a saint
In one of those cathedrals
In Europe
With a Denzel face
And, you know
It's been there for hundreds of years
And then somebody's edited it so that the eyes just pop open.
Oh.
No, I haven't seen that.
I'm not like you.
I don't dour the internet for spooks.
Yeah, I like spooks.
Oh, we were talking.
I did a bit last night about the Halloween sound effects.
The CDs.
Yeah.
And Steph said on stage that she should record her own Halloween sound effects. How do? The CDs, yeah. And Steph said on stage
that she should record
her own Halloween sound effects.
I don't know how I missed that.
I'd be the best at that.
Give me your top five
Halloween sound effects.
Go.
What?
I tried to do a wedge.
Are you doing
Down with the Sickness?
Ooh.
That's like a...
Like an ogre.
That's like the same one
maybe I'm not good
at the sound effects
I was better at it last night
they're not all people
some of them are just like
creaking
creaking
yeah
I'm not good at sound effects
that's if R2-D2 sees
a pretty lady
a pretty robot lady
um
why
I no one listens to CDs anymore I just I have a R2-D2 sees a pretty lady. A pretty robot lady.
No one listens to CDs anymore.
I just, I have a,
I made a playlist of spooky sounds.
Yeah, from a collection.
On Spotify.
Sorry, you have the picture? I have the photo, yes.
If you want to get a little peek at this guy.
Oh my God.
It's insane.
If you want to put it up,
I can blur the guy's face.
I can blur it.
We can all blur it.
And then him golfing,
I had to get a photo
of him golfing
because people weren't
going to believe
that I saw the same guy.
It would have been the best
if he had one of those
funny golf hats.
Oh, and he cut the eye
and lost my mind.
Like a Tamo shank or something?
Yeah.
You can't really tell it's him.
It's very far away,
but it's hard to.
This next one
is one of
our favorite categorums of overseeing uh the license plate okay that we can't figure out
maybe what it is uh needed help this is from uh casey s this is i need help figuring out what the
license plate i oversaw this weekend it was bng space you're writing it down i need to see this
space g r m a bang grandma yeah is it bang grandma i think it might be bang grandma
bang grandma that's creepy or bong grandma or Or bing grandma. Chandler's grandma. Yeah, but bong grandma.
She likes molten pot.
Oh, sure.
Those are the three possibilities.
Or bong grandma.
Grandma's bonged up.
She's making a barrel.
Oh, yeah.
Somebody threw out all her brand buds.
She's all bonged up.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I think we did some good work there.
And this last one comes from Addie in Chicago.
This is an overheard from my sister.
So it's not even Addie.
It's Addie adjacent.
She works in a small town in New Hampshire and has some very religious co-workers walking down the hall.
She just heard one of her co-workers tell another in reference to his college age daughter.
Her professor really caught her off guard with all that evolution stuff.
Oh, boy.
All that evolution malarkey.
Caught her off guard.
Never heard it before.
She looks down at the textbook.
It says evolution on the cover.
Oh, brother.
What? Oh, brother. What?
Oh, boy.
Wow.
What a life that that catches you off guard.
And like you must have been so caught off guard because you decided to take this class.
Oh, yeah.
What did you think you were going to learn?
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
It's I don't know if either of you had this experience when I was in in college, I accidentally sat in on the wrong class on the first day.
And they were talking and none of it sounded right for what the class was supposed to be.
But how should you know?
Yeah, exactly.
I walked away from it.
College is weird.
And I was like, man, college is weird.
Kevin Smith was walking out.
Yeah.
He's like, I quit.
He was in the same class. He's like, I quit. He was in the same class.
He's like, I don't get it either.
I'm getting the fuck out of here.
Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.
If you would like to call us, our phone number is 1-844-SPY-POD1.
That's one.
SpyPod1.
Dave was doing magic fingers that whole time. Very silly fingers the whole time. P-O-D-1. That's one. SpyPod 1.
Dave was doing magic fingers the whole time.
Very silly fingers the whole time.
Here come your calls.
Hey, Dave and Graham.
This is Dan in Chicago, Illinois, USA.
Yep.
Watching the U.S. presidential debates.
Slowly. presidential debates. Slowly.
Debacle.
And took my dog out for a walk mid-debate,
kind of in every window along the street,
catching glimpses of the debate in the windows of every TV,
except for one.
Where a guy was watching on the big huge flat screen
TV
just some good old
fashion ass fucking gay
porn.
Waits for no debate.
That's uh, yeah.
Yeah. I mean, it's not
look, politics is not for everyone.
And, I mean I don't know why people who are decided voters are still following all this.
Like you should just, if we're, if.
It was pretty crazy.
If you know what you're doing, like, if you know how you're voting, then you could just watch porn the rest of the time.
You know what I realized as, as we're saying this? I've never watched porn on a giant flat screen
TV. No, it's always been
in my room on my laptop.
Ashamed.
What was Graham doing in your room?
I was there to
fix some plumbing.
That's a really classic joke.
Yeah.
I've never watched porn.
Dave, stop. Guys, that first day Yeah Yeah I've never watched porn Dave
Dave stop
Guys
That
Well the first day of college
That porn stuff
Really caught me off guard
I watched porn
In Steph's basement
At one of her parties
Yeah that stuff
That's how we lost
The virginity
Yeah
To a furnace
There's your next phone call
Oh Todd
Hi this is Lee in Chicago
I was just in an insult fight with my
8 year old boy Steven
and his insult was
every time you pee
you poop at the same time
and then you explode
pretty good
I like that kid
I don't know how I would come back from that
I'd be like no I'm not you can watch me
when she first said I was in an insult that I'd be like No I'm not You can watch me When she first said
I was in an insult fight
I thought it was like
An actual fight
But I guess they
They just try to
Insult each other
Like that's the point of it
Yeah
No one's feelings
Are getting hurt
No
But I do like the idea
Of getting in an insult fight
With an eight year old
Yeah
Or with your own mother
Because there's still Some things you can't say
in a fun insult fight yeah like you poop and pee at the same time and then you explore yeah
yeah what's the math on that why why would you explode okay we're not doing that here's your
final overheard me having sex with a furnace fine great Dave Graham and a possible
guest I've been overheard for you in the grocery store and wandered into the chip
aisle and I heard a couple guys talking guy was holding up a bag of chips for
another guy he said oh but it's only ripple the other guy said do we need
ripple and the first guy said well depends how smooth your dip is.
And then the other guy said, all right, fuck it.
Let's get Ripple.
It is true.
If your dip's super smooth, then you need Ripple to get traction.
Thicker.
It's a thicker chip.
Yeah.
Sturdier chip.
Oh, boy.
I'm not a chip lover.
Get out of here, then. I think I'm becoming one. I live here in the last, boy. I, like, I don't, I'm not a chip lover. Oh, get out of here then.
I think I'm becoming one.
I live here.
In the last little while.
I live here.
But, like, part of it is that I know it's unhealthy, and if I'm not, like, in love with it, why won't I just, I'll just eat the other thing that's bad for me.
You'll just eat the dip.
Just use your fingers.
Well, I, like, I'll just eat ice cream.
Yeah.
But it feels like putting dip on top of a chip is so much worse for you. You don't see the dip. This is your fingers. Well, I like, I'll just eat ice cream. Yeah. But it feels like
putting dip on top of a dip
is so much worse for you.
Oh, yeah.
But it's so good.
But then it's a meal.
It's so tasty.
But I have been
finding myself
instead of,
like,
at night,
like,
if I'm, like,
kind of hungry,
like,
I usually, like,
seek out a slice
of pizza somewhere.
Been going with
a bag of chips
all of a sudden.
I don't think it's better, but it's...
It's so good.
I've been eating a lot of all-dressed chips since I've been home.
I'm not going to lie to anybody.
There's no all-dressed in the States.
I just go just straight up, just regular.
Lay's regular?
Yeah.
Ew.
Come on, get on board.
No, you need to see Salt Miss Vickie's.
You need a Ruffles all-dressed.
You know what I don't like?
This new brand of chips called Hard Bite.
What?
Tell me more.
It's just, I don't know anything about them except that they're called Hard Bite.
Are they harder than the average chip?
Why would that be a selling point?
Well, if you have a smooth dip.
If it's too thick a dip, Hard Bite will get in there and get the job done.
No thanks.
I'm going to break a tooth.
Yeah.
Oh boy, that would be embarrassing going to the dentist.
What happened?
Very hard chip.
Yeah, I ate some hard bites.
Your insurance doesn't cover hard bites.
Yeah.
Insurance doesn't cover stupid things.
Well, I shouldn't tell you about what I did with that gobstopper.
Hello.
I put it in my butt.
Not as everlasting as they say.
Well, that brings us to the end of this here podcast.
Good.
On the butt gobstopper.
Steph, do you have anything coming up in the month of October you would like to plug?
Shows in Los Angeles or anywhere stateside?
I'm going to the
Montana Big Sky Comedy Festival.
Okay.
October 11th to 17th.
Fun.
Yeah, it's fun.
It's a competition,
so hopefully I won't shit the bed.
Yeah.
I mean, unless that's
one of the categories.
Yeah, I'm going to do
really well at it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, that's exciting. Yeah, yeah. Bill to do really well at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's exciting.
Yeah, yeah.
Billings, Montana.
If you're there, come.
Never been.
Let's go.
Yeah, let's go.
Okay, road trip.
You've got a car.
Come with me.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, break a leg.
Thank you.
Yeah.
And, yeah, speaking of upcoming shows, we're doing a show, as we said, in Victoria.
Yeah.
October 22nd. At the Alex Goulden. Don't doing a show, as we said, in Victoria. Yeah. October 22nd.
At the Alex Goulden Hall.
Don't leave us out there twisting in the wind, Victoria.
Like you did in Edmonton and Saskatoon, I assume, at our last shows that happened this weekend.
We haven't done them yet, but I assume they were disasters.
I mean, don't you?
Oh, sure.
And thank you so much for listening. I mean Don't you Oh sure Um And uh Thank you
Uh
So much for listening
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Pictures and videos
Relating to this podcast
Surely
That guy with the man buns
Taking off the roof
Of his hat
Definitely
His convertible hat
Uh you know
Some brand
Some major picture
Brand buds
Um Uh Picture of Steph Skinny dipping Yeah yeah Sure just hat. You know, some brand. I made a picture of brand buds.
Picture of Stephanie. Skinny dipping?
Yeah, yeah. Sure, just my head out of the water.
Yeah, weren't you doing a mermaid thing the last
time you were here? Yeah, I did.
Yeah, stuff like that. Yeah, that kind of
thing. Yeah, and whatever. The show's
free. Yeah, if you like this show, do tell your friends,
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