Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 461 - Christina Walkinshaw

Episode Date: January 16, 2017

Comedian Christina Walkinshaw returns to talk about a certain type of puppetry, boring dreams, phone speaker etiquette.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 461 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man, is a real, he's a big, he's a good wife fan. He loves all of it, he loves all of it. He loves it when the wife's good, he loves it when the wife's bad. It's Mr. Dave Shumka.

I've never seen an episode of The Good Wife. Never seen it. But our guest has. I can't wait to talk about it. Because I'm thinking about getting into it. Yeah. It's something that people got into. Yeah.

Like people our age got into. And the show is not for people our age. Because we're young people in our 30s. I hope so. it's meant for oh god geez i mean i guess it might be for people our age uh and our guest today also big fan of the good wife the only true fan of the good wife in the the room. That's true. Very funny comedian. Return guest to the podcast, Miss Christina Walkinshaw. Hi, guys. Hello. Thank you for having me back.

Thank you for coming. Any time. Very excited. Big fans of not only The Good Wife, but also your podcast. Oh, cool. They go hand in hand. Yeah. Right?

It's sort of a companion. It's not explicitly a companion piece, but. We recommend you watch an episode, you listen to an episode. I mean, I put you guys in the same category as Christine Baranski. The Baransk. Yeah, where I'm like, I just really like you guys. What is the main character's name on that show? Let's get to know her.

Alicia. Get to know her. Alicia. Good one. Alicia Florek. And her husband, Peter Florek And her husband Peter Florek Oh see you do watch The Good Wife

I only know that There's an episode of Difficult People I love that show Where they show A fake scene From The Good Wife And they say

That Alicia Florek Is a good wife That Peter Florek Is a bad husband Is it still on Or is it run its course I think it's run its course Yeah So what are you Watching it on I or is it run its course? I think it's run its course. Yeah.

So what are you watching it on? I'm watching it on Netflix. I am staying at my parents' house. I'm home for Christmas and I am locked, like I've locked myself in my bedroom like a grounded child

and I binge watched the last season of The Good One. So you're like a grounded child. Like a grounded child. So you're an adult person.

Yeah. And when you go to your parents' house, how quickly do you turn into a child? Yeah, that's a very good question. Like, almost immediately, I start lying about things I don't need to lie about. Like, I don't even know why. Like, yesterday, I lied about going to Whistler. I lied and said I was going to my sister's house. Because, like, I knew that if I told my dad I was driving to Whistler,

I'd get, like, an 18-minute lecture on how to drive. Sure. I'm like, oh, the roads, the roads, it's going to be snowy, my knee chains. That's all you need is 18 minutes. That 18 minutes is going to save your life. I didn't want to deal with the lecture, so I was just like, I'm going to Jenny's.

Do you have... So you lied, like, you're like, oh, I'm going to a sleepover at Jenny's. Did you have to tell Jenny to back up your story? You gotta get your alibis to back up your story. But you're like on Snapchat and stuff and you were posting from Whistler. Yeah, and your dad's a big Snapchat guy. You know he is. This time of year, it's all Snapchats about snow tires, road safety.

Oh, sure. Salt. Yeah. That's what I love about keeping up with the trends of social media. Because by the time my parents figure out one, I'm already on to the next. Nice. So I'm on the run, right? Your parents are looking for you on Tinder.

You're already on Razzler. When you were a teenager, were you the type to sneak out and create alibis? Only when it came to boys. Oh, okay. I never wanted my parents to know that I'm dating. I still don't want them to know. That's the same thing in my family. Are you an only child?

No, I have a sister. And what is that? She's married with children. But were you guys always secretive with each other? Oh, no, we didn't really like each other. Oh, okay. Yeah. In my family, we loved each other, but we were all really mean to each other.

Like, we made fun of each other. So that's why you would keep your boyfriend secret. And now you make, by the way, I obviously follow you guys on Instagram. And your baby, your kid is so cute. And I don't even have a maternal instinct. So I'm a tough crowd. I saw you push over some kids on the way here. No, I didn't.

You're strolling in my parking spot. But your kid is so freaking cute. Well, at the time of this recording, it's a kid. But you're going to have a second one. By the time this comes out, almost certainly, there will, yeah, I think, absolutely. This comes out the 16th of January. So, yeah, we'll have number two. And then you could do all sorts of Instagram.

One of them could be Sherman. The other one could be Peabody. Yeah, very hip thing. Yeah, yeah. These are, one can be Peter Florek. Yeah, one can be Andy Griffith. The other can be Don Knotts or whatever. So you would go, you'd sneak out.

Yeah. I didn't even really start getting into boys until like grade 10. That's not what I heard. I was a late bloomer. Don't worry, I'm making up for lost time. Nice. And you, recently you were in town like a month or so ago because your high school reunion. I did.

I went to my 20th high school reunion. How was that? Was that the weirdest? It was beautiful. I can be very sentimental and I can be cheesy. And this guy showed up. And when I first started touring as a stand-up, I had a couple of addresses in my address book.

Remember before? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you had a real black book. You went to Disneyland and that was the souvenir you got. The address book, because it was under and that was like the souvenir you got. But like, the address book because it was like under $5, you know,

cheaper than the stuffed animals. Cheaper than a churro? It was cheaper than a churro, actually. So you get your cool address book and then you know you'd have certain addresses in there.

So when I first started a tour as a comic, I used to like write postcards and I'd mail people postcards wherever I went to places. And even though it was like a really dorky town, like I'd love to go to like write postcards and I'd mail people postcards wherever I went to places. And even though it was like a really dorky town, like I'd love to go to like

Gravenhurst and like get the postcard that was at like the truck stop or something. I would like to get postcards from really small towns. Anyways, this guy showed up at my high school reunion

and he had this bag and was full of every postcard I've ever written him. And I just started bawling. Wow. I was like, oh my God, I didn't even bang that guy.

Well, you hadn't yet. Yeah. Oh my God. It was great. My reunion was beautiful. Did it take place at the high school? No,

we did it at the Belmont. The Belmont. On Granville street. Oh yeah. They opened it up to like the public at like 12. And we were like, Oh my God, I my God, everybody stop aging all of a sudden. Everyone's here from a two-year reunion. Yeah, exactly.

Where did you go to high school? North Delta Senior Secondary. I thought in North Delta. Yeah. Which I, you know, sometimes I get shy because everybody always calls you Surrey when you're from North Delta. Oh, but that's South Delta. It's different. It's not Surrey. But now I feel bad. No, it is. I shouldn't be Surrey shaming people. I should just be like, you know what? So what? I grew up next to Surrey. Yeah. For anyone in your life. I'm okay. For anyone listening who's

not from the lower mainland, Surrey is the place everyone makes fun of. Yeah. Near here. Yeah, it's the go-to. If you say it on stage, people just laugh. Yeah. There's actually a few of them now. It used to just be Surrey, and now you could throw in Abbotsford. Yeah, I did a Chilliwack reference last night, and I got a laugh.

Gun, gun, gun, you're being gunned down. No. Too much every time someone mentions Chilliwack. And then immediately following high school, did you jet out of town? Did you go to Toronto? I went to Ottawa. I went to Carleton for journalism. For journalism?

I always wanted to write. And then did you pursue that or did you just go write in the county? I got no. She majored in writing postcards. I had to change my major after first year. or did you just go write an account? I got, no. She majored in writing postcards. That was, yeah. I had to change my major after first year. Does this use a regular stamp or what? We'll cover that next semester. That's a 400 level.

Postcards 101. That was my best class. Oh my gosh. But you studied journalism then. Did you work at that at any capacity? I wrote a couple of articles for the student at the residence newspaper. I remember I did an article on how my next-door neighbor, who was my best friend, how she believes that she's Abe Lincoln reincarnated. Like she actually believes that?

She really believes that. What was the headline? I can't remember. Babe Lincoln. That would have been so good. But she had all these stories, but how she has very strong Abe vibes and like crazy little stories. Feeling those Abe vibes. That was my big break into the writing world.

And someone like a big shot writer read it and said, you got, there's something here. You're ready for News of the World. Yeah. If you remember that paper. Was that a tabloid? Yeah, but it was like the worst one. It was like Batboy. Well, that was Weekly World.

Oh, that was Weekly World. Yeah, it would be like, you know, like Alien Lands on Mr. T's head or something. It was always really silly, like not possible real stories. Would you, like, because anytime someone writes something about Tom Cruise, mostly that he's gay is the one that has been. That certainly has come back time and time again. He'll sue them into oblivion. Abe Lincoln never sued.

Yeah, Mr. T never sued that an alien landed on his head. Because I think for a guy like, you know, like Mr. T or Abe Lincoln, it's good press. Good press. Any press. It's good press. Speaking of Tom Cruise,

did you see that they released this trailer for his movie in the summer, but they hadn't finished the sound editing? Yeah, I didn't watch it, but I heard about it. Oh boy, it was very funny. Just because it's, you know, like three people in a room going, and it's like a $500 million movie.

Of course it is. Oh my God. Oh my God. Probably not $500 million. I don't know what things cost. I mean, yeah. After taxes. Oh boy.

That's where they get you. I haven't seen a movie in forever. The last movie I saw was Don't Think Twice. Did you see that? Oh, yeah. Mike Birbiglia's movie. Oh, the Mike Birbiglia. It was amazing.

Yeah? Yes. It was one of those movies where I didn't want it to end. I loved the characters, and I loved them talking about comedy and the competition between comics, and I found it really good. I want to see it. Yeah, it was a little depressing. Did you go see it in the theater? found it. Yeah. Really good. I want to see it. Yeah, it's a little depressing. Did you go see it in, like, the theater?

Sure did. Wow. One of those theaters where you're, like, allowed to have a glass of wine. Oh. Yeah. Have you went to the last movie you saw in a theater? It was a weird, it was a movie with Viggo Mortensen in it, where he's, like, it was, like, an indie movie where he, like, lives out in the woods with his family and then has to come to civilization. It was called Captain Fantastic, I think.

Oh, and the Brown Dirt Cowboy. The what? Nothing. I'm going to see Star Wars tomorrow. Rogue One. Oh my God, I've never seen any Star Wars. None? How did you avoid it for so long?

There was one I saw actually when I was going to Carleton. It was one of those like reinvention ones. It was like, I don't know, where they came back with a new thing before the thing with Natalie Portman in it.

Am I describing it good? Yeah, absolutely. I'm not going to lie, I might have fallen asleep in the movie theater. So I still consider myself not seeing any Star Wars. That's fine.

Yeah. One day. Yeah, I know. One day or never. All those ones. Yeah. I don't judge people for that. I'm not a, I mean, I've seen them all.

Yeah. And I've seen any one in, you know, since I, in the last 20 years, I've seen it in a theater. Yeah. But just because you're supposed to. Yeah. Not now. But I think I've surrendered my Star Wars credentials. I didn't see the last one and I'm like, I think I'm done. You put it in your Star Wars badge? Yeah. I think I've surrendered my Star Wars credentials. I didn't see the last one.

I'm like, I think I'm done. Your Star Wars badge? Yeah, I think I've done it. Hanging up your old holodeck? Maybe I'm done. Yeah, I'm hanging up my holodeck, saying bye to the Dalek. Yeah. Bleed bloop.

Yeah. Glorgon. And so, yeah, you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I had one thing I wanted to say. Okay. Guys, I have something to say. Aliens landed on Mr. T's head.

No, it was about how you, you know, how you're super secretive with your parents still. Oh yeah. And yesterday you and I were hanging out. Yeah. And you took a phone call and you went out into the hallway and we were hanging out with our friend Chris Von Zombathy. Yeah. And he took a phone call and everyone got really quiet.

Yeah. And it's that thing of like, if you ever had to call your parents when you were out and you were, you know, you had to check in with your parents at night. Everyone be quiet. Because why? Because what did I tell my parents we're doing?

At the bowling alley on Friday night. Yeah. Why is it so quiet there? If anything, you're arousing more suspicion. Like, I'm not hearing a lot of bowling going on there. Everybody stop bowling in the whole bowling alley. Dave's calling his mom. So you, recently you moved from Toronto.

I'm glad you let me bring that up. Yeah, I'm glad you brought it up. You moved from Toronto now to L.A. Yes. And are you liking it down there? You know, I love, I'm going to say all the hacky things that everybody says. I love the weather, which I do. Yeah.

I hate the driving. Oh. I have been in Toronto for nine years. I haven't had a car in nine years. Now I've thrust myself three cars i know it's not going that well well you keep going on price is right and keep winning i know you're right that's my best shot right now success is getting called down the aisle well i spent a few minutes with drew carrie the other day yeah drew and i were talking

barrymore no carrie more he's gonna come crashing through the door right now Well, I spent a few minutes with Drew Carey the other day. Yeah, Drew and I were talking. Barrymore? No, Careymore. He's going to come crashing through the door right now. Oh, boy, like the Kool-Aid man? That would be great if the Price is Right just started, like, I don't know. Just going insane. Just the big wheel comes through your door.

I'm filled with blood right like how publishers clearing sweepstakes or whatever now I'm just totally dating myself my 20th high school reunion and watching The Good Wife you know publishers clearing sweepstakes or whatever where like the price is right just comes to you that would I mean be terrifying

but yeah have you heard the what was it an urban legend that the wheel is filled with blood? No. Oh my god. I thought that you meant it was filled with blood because it was like a living, breathing wheel. No, it's filled with blood and just sloshes it. No, apparently it's filled with blood and it just sloshes around in there.

Gross. That would be a lot of blood, right? Yeah, and it just sloshes around in there. Gross. That would be a lot of blood, right? Yeah, and you'd have to keep refilling it. No. How much of any given blood drive goes to filling up that wheel? I don't know if it needs to be completely filled all the way up to get what we need out of it. Or if just having it like a fifth full a fifth ball sloshing around yeah but there's gonna be a little evaporation you're gonna have to but no it's sealed yeah but even even snow

globes over time you know even though the most high-tech made sealed in a vacuum tight environment they have condensation on the roof, but I guess the water level goes down. What were we talking about? Oh, me moving to LA. Yeah, so you've got a car.

So yeah, I do have a car. The driving drives me nuts. It's funny because people will always be like, oh, you get homesick, do you miss people?

But I'm sure you guys know that there's like everybody who lives in LA now. Like, I call LA the world's prettiest Canadian entertainer refugee camp because that's what it is. Like everybody's like, oh, fuck Canada. I got to get out of here.

I got to go do something or whatever. Yeah. I got to go. Yeah. What do you do? Go to man's Chinese. Yeah. I'm tired of getting cast in four Canadian commercials a year.

I want to get cast in no American commercial. For real, though. It's like this year, I feel like I personally have not worked hard enough. I feel like people are like, it's okay, Christina. It's a transitional year. It's a building year. It's a building year, but I think I did a lot of slacking this year. What did you do in your slacking time? i watched the good wife seven seasons now what's the name of the main character

of that show alicia florick okay cool because we're doing true you should come to our trivia night oh my god yeah oh my god good wife Oh, my God. What does she wear? Skirts? What kind of wife is she? I know. I want to know. So you watched seven seasons of The Good Wife. Yeah, I feel like I slacked. What else? Hanging out at the beach?

But I will say, here's the thing I think that you first have to do when you move to LA. Do you guys ever have a desire to move to LA? Don't tell my wife and kids that I'm moving there. Here's the funny thing I feel like you know obviously you know you have to kind of throw your ego in the garbage and you have to do all these things that you had kind of stopped doing in your career in like say for me in Toronto like in Toronto somebody was like do you want to come to Kitchener in January for like 50 bucks? I'm like, no, I'm not going to Kitchener for $50. Now I'm literally driving twice as far to San Diego. To Kitchener.

For that same $50. Now I'm like, can I do that Kitchener gig for $50? And the other thing is, is that like, I remember I swore off comedy contests like years ago. First of all, I feel like I've wasted hundreds of dollars applying for comedy festivals. You can't see my air quotes. But I felt them the way you said them. I have dropped so much money.

Enter our festival. And then, of course, never gotten into any of them. They make you pay? Yeah, a lot of them, they're like, okay, so it's like early bird know, early bird is $30. Where are you going to apply after, you know, this date? Yeah, what's regular bird rate? And then it's like $50.

Oh, no. For the early birds, they send you a worm. Oh, that's pretty good. So, yeah, the late birds pay like 50 bucks, US. And then, anyway, so I spent a lot of money applying for festivals that I did not get into. But then I did get into Seattle. I did Seattle,

even though, I swear years ago, I was like, I will never do another comedy contest. They made me want to kill myself. This is the Seattle comedy competition. Yeah. And this is not just like you do,

it's not like a talent night. Yeah. It's days and days long. Days and days long. How many, the first round, how many rounds are there? There's three. There's days and days how many the first round how many rounds are there i think three there's three weeks and then the first like there's two prelims and uh they're

each i guess wednesday through sunday shows like five days but this time here's what i did as i i wanted to have fun and my main goal i know and my main goal was like okay i just want to kill in front of John Fox so that he will book me at the Combi Underground and maybe I can like pick up some of that road work. Right. Like that was my only goal. And I already self-sabotaged myself because my high school reunion was during the week of the contest. Yeah. And I could have done the other prelim week, but I couldn't because I actually got a week of work in Las Vegas. I was like I have to take real money over maybe money right so yeah anyway so I went into this knowing that I had to lose basically because I was going to take a zero for that night and I did I made a I made some new

friends and I had fun and the one night that I placed first was at the comedy underground in front of John Box so it was like I went with a goal. I believe, like, you know, a grand as you do. Yeah, the longer... To not win. The longer you make it in the contest, the more money you lose. Yeah, really. It's so true. Because you have to put yourself up for a week.

Yeah, you have to stay somewhere. When I did it, it was before Airbnb existed. So I just had to, like, stay in motels while I was down there. Well, I considered staying with one of the comics that was in the contest that I'd never met before. He wrote me a nice message. You sent him a postcard. And then I got there. I drove from LA to Seattle by myself, which is fine.

I like to drive by myself. I heard you hate the driver. I can't track this lady. Driving across, sometimes I feel like I can get to Vegas faster than I can get to Hollywood because I don't know why. There's some

carbukakis that are all over LA. Carbukakis? Expand on that. There's this one in Brentwood I always get stuck on in San Vicente and I'm not an aggressive driver

and nobody signals in LA and just like cars just keep cutting you off and you just never move they're just like surrounding you and I can't get oh the surrounding

now I get oh I see now I get anyways what kind of car do you drive girls always have better visualizations of bukkake

than guys do I don't think the visual hurts you guys as much because you're on the outside of the khaki but like What kind of car do you drive? Girls always have better visualizations of Bukkake than guys do. I don't think the visual hurts you guys as much because you're on the outside of the khaki. I mean, that is something that I've been told since I was a young man, that women are better at visualizing a car Bukkake than a man. And I thought, you know what? I was like, no, I don't think that it's a gender thing. But, you know, now that I'm older, I'm like, yeah, some things are just true.

B-U-K-A-K-K-E? Yeah. No, I always have to text Kathleen McGee and ask how to spell it. I never know. Because it doesn't autocorrect on your phone. It doesn't. No. I'm filling out a rental application.

And I need to know how to... Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. So I get to Seattle and I get to this guy's house. And anyways, and then I was just going to obviously like crash on a couch. But then I got there and he has seven roommates. And then the sheer terror of like not having any like privacy for like five days while i'm in a comedy contest i was like i couldn't do it and then i felt so bad

and then i was just like i'm just gonna go to some lunch and then i went to a cafe i went on hotels.com i have to waste money now i can't do this sometimes wasting money is good for your sanity yeah oh yeah yeah always a hotel is always better than a couch my god even if you just do money now. I can't do this. Sometimes wasting money is good for your sanity. Yeah. Oh, yeah. A hotel's always better than a couch. My God, even if you just do nothing in that hotel room all day, sit in that bed, the bed-to-TV combo. It's the best. Oh, yeah. Hotels are the best. Accepting

their shampoo and conditioner. Thanks, Captain Obvious. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. So you were only in it for a week and then traveled. And you went to Vegas? Are you going to Vegas regularly now that you're down in that? Sure am. I'm at that age where I'm starting to get gigs in Vegas.

I can't wait to reach that age. Yeah, sure. It's like Vegas or cruise ships. It's it. It's over Vegas or cruise ships. It's it. It's over. So what do you do? You play in one of the casinos? Or is there clubs?

And is it like Vandrilla Quest? How did you know? I'm working on my voices. Okay, I know. No, please, please. Do seven voices. Give us your tough guy, Bruno. Yeah.

Hey, I'm Bernie. I can't do voices. Give us your tough guy, Bruno. Yeah. Hey, I'm Bernie. I can't do voices. No, you can. The only voice I can do is Victor Newman from The Young and the Restless. That's the only impression I do. Okay. Ready? Ashley, my darling.

Is that good? That's really good. Was he the guy with the little mustache? Oh, yeah. I got that too. Is that still on? No. Yes, it is.

Oh, yeah. Mine are still on. And is he still with us? Everybody looks the same, but with more Botox. Even the men. It's crazy. But they're all still on. They're like Sharon and Nick and Paul.

I mean, they're all still there. Victor, Jack. It's amazing. Is Jack still there? Yeah, man. I was at Days of Our Lives. Who's the guy with the- No, they moved to Bold and the Beautiful.

You watch Bold and the Beautiful. Is Days of Our Lives still on? I do believe it is. Who's the guy? I think it's Stefano just died. Oh yeah. Stefano.

It's crazy. You're like, what if he comes back from the dead again? We don't know. Right? Because he really did. Yeah.

Yeah. We lost so many in 2016. That's true. But Days of Our Lives, I remember watching that when I was sick. Days of Our Lives was yours? Yeah, that was my go-to.

And what was her name? Then she ended up being on The Biggest Loser. Oh, yeah. She played Sammy on Days of Our Lives. Sammy. Oh, she was such a devil. She was a devil. She's kind of like crossed over from, she doesn't act in other things, but she'll host things.

Yeah. Yeah, but she was like, she started on the show, I think she started out good, and then she became bad. Whoa, whoa, whoa. A character turn like that? Yeah, yeah. It was like if the good wife suddenly became bad.

Did the good wife ever become bad? Was she ever nasty? I think maybe that's how they're, maybe that's how they want it to end, where she stops being good, and she just finally breaks out and is a bitchy. Was she stood by her man?

I mean, I think that's part of it. Was that what? Like, there's a lot of, like, fake marriage going on for the public eye, right? Oh, wow, yeah. And he's a politish? He's a politish, yeah. But, you know, you desperately want her to fuck other men. You're like, oh, we know that you're not having sex with that man.

You should be having sex with him and with him. Right. Or maybe that's just the way I be in the show. Does she have sex with any men? Oh, yeah. Like, not a lot. Oh, yeah. But, like, there's, like, a couple.

It's no Kerbukaki, but, like, when she gets, when she makes out with somebody, it's like, oh, thank God. You get really excited for her. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's great. Oh, my God. Where do you play when you're in Vegas? What's the... Oh, my God. Where do you play when you're in Vegas? What's the...

Oh, yeah. So, Christine Von Hagen, who's one of my best friends, she opens for Puppetry of the Penis. Right. And so, that's her... Opens what? Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good. That was good.

So, she opens for that. So, anytime she goes away, you know, she gets a lot of gigs in Canada and other places. I get to go and like just cover for her. Oh, okay. It's usually like a Thursday through Sunday. It is. It's a Thursday through Sunday run. And I just go do 15 to 20 minutes of stand up before the penises come out.

And how long is the penis show? Yeah. The penis show is just over an hour maybe. How many penises? Oh, there's two penises and they do amazing things. Yeah, there's a knife of a tower. There's a sugar glider.

My favorite is the Kim Kardashian. You remember that picture that broke the internet? Yeah, so they do this thing with their balls and they turn it into Kim Kardashian's bum. Wow. Do they do things at the same time?

How close do they come to each other? Oh, yeah. They do little jokes about that where they're like, yeah. Where they're like, do they kiss? Because then another guy makes a Kanye with his penis and they're like, are we supposed to kiss? Kanye makes a Kanye with his penis.

I'm picturing in my head and it's great oh my god this show in my head is way better than it actually

possibly could be and opening for that I'm picturing them attaching rope from one to the other and then having somebody

from the audience jump rope okay I just want to talk about this for the rest of the show you just want to talk about penis for the rest of the show you just want to talk about penis well the show itself um so you open for them and it's um it's what the audience is it all women

demographic uh basically um yeah a lot of women on bachelorette party which is arguably not a comics favorite crowd but uh yeah so you get a lot of uh bacheloret yeah. So, you get a lot of bachelorette parties. You get a lot of gay guys. Sure. And you get, like, straight men that have just been dragged by their wives. And everybody really has a good time. Dragged by their wives who promised them something. Yeah.

Or they do back and forth where one gets to pick an activity and then the other one does. What, okay. one gets to pick an activity and then the other one does. What, okay, so in your role, like it's not your traditional stand-up gig. You're basically, are you trying to calm people down? Are you riling them up? Are people like already out of their minds? They're all really riled up and the club is adjacent to a strip club.

And this strip club has open bar until I think at 10pm every night what does that mean? Open bar? like anybody can just go in and so if you're going to the show you get into the strip club for free to drink there right that's where you get your drinks from because on Vegas you can just walk wherever with your drink

and the drinks are all free so people are getting like open bar drunk before this show. Like, I don't know how these guys have not been accosted. I think sometimes like the girls get close sometimes. We're like, ah. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Do they ever get volunteers up from the audience? They do. They do something where they have volunteers from the audience. Huh. Yeah. Are they Australian? Always. Always.

Thank you. Is it always the same? No, no, no. The performers or the Australian? Always. Always. Thank you. Is it always the same? No, no, no. The performers or the audience? No, just funny because the last show I did, it was like these three Australian men came on stage. Australians get drunker than even the Irish, I believe. But they get hammered. That's DNA.

That's true. That is like, I just got back from Whistler. That's why the Australians are fresh in my brain. Yeah. But anyways, yeah, these three Australian guys and they kind of teach them

how to turn their penis into a hamburger and then, you know, that's a big reveal. You know, you guys probably want to bend your penis

into a hamburger. Turn your penis into a Kanye. Turn it into, well, that new show, I was watching that new show on Netflix, The Crown.

There's Winston Churchill. What else is in the news? Oh, hey, check out the Gaza Strip. Oh, Russian ambassador assassinated in Turkey. Well, he looked a little something like this. Outgoing President Barack Obama, everybody. Oh, wow.

The topical penis puppet. Are the performers Australian? No, not the guys I work in Vegas. They're both American. They're actually going to Australia in January, though. So they're going to do a run down there.

Is it like a... Like a Blue Man Group a blue man franchise yeah wow yeah because they tour a little bit in canada they're going to tour in there's that they have like their residency in vegas and then yeah and then like the those guys are going to go tour in australia then they have backup penises to fill in for their penises while they're in australia i have an idea for a show okay ventriloquism of the vagina. Is that a thing? Is that a joke everyone makes? It could be.

I might have heard it like five times. But it was better coming from you. It was good. Boy, I'm such a hack. Don't worry. I try to give them tags too. And then they're like, yeah, we've done that. When they turn their penis into a hamburger, I'm like, you can call it In-N-Out Burger.

Got it? That's a good tag. I thought it was too. They're like, oh, yeah, you can call it In-N-Out Burger. Got it? That's a good tag. I thought it was too. They're like, oh yeah, we used to do that. We forgot about that. And it was like, okay. Oh yeah, thanks for the tag. Nobody likes the unsolicited tag.

But still, you could be a little more appreciative. So then you only, this is a 15 minute gig yeah and then you've just got then you just go and Vegas it up for the rest of the yeah then you have another 23

I know and I drink at that strip club a lot like she actually like knows my drink when I walk in yeah and they're like

oh uh yeah we're not doing the open bar thing anymore did you is it a male strip club uh oh no it's like yeah it's women stripping.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Oh, I just, I assumed since it was penis adjacent, it was just like a penis complex. No, I know you would think, but. The Mirage's penis complex. Yeah. Like, I'm always fascinated with like what the strippers are going with name wise. And I wish I could have an example

the mandarin i'm trying to remember because there was one i just heard and i was like hey that's actually a really good name for a stripper and then what would your guys's stripper names be if you were strippers tonka that's great yeah please welcome Tonka like the truck? yeah yeah or like the wrestler I'd come out with instead of shoes

I'd have Tonka trucks on my feet I'd roller skate out oh man I like this character yeah mine would be you know

rolly fingers are you an old timey baseball guy? yeah yeah yeah. What would yours be? A security. It would be security. Let's give it up for security.

Oh, no. Someone calls security. Yeah, then you come out with a thing of New York fries. You're like a security guard at a mall. At a mall. Yeah. So we're on the verge of a baby being born. Right.

And we're inundated with my family suggesting names. Uh-oh, Tonka. Here we go. He's going to steal your baby name. No, someone was like. Someone suggested, because we were naming cities around BC, and someone mentioned Delta. And they were like, Delta? And my dad's name is Don.

And they're like, you can make a D-A-W-N. Delta Don Shumka. And that seems like a real stripper name. Delta Don? Yeah. Well, and Delta Don is like an old timey song. No, no, no. It's, I mean, it's a super cool name, but not for me.

And do you know if you're having an Alicia or a Peter? We're having an Alicia. You're having an Alicia. We're having a little good wife. Oh, cute. Yeah. What if you do end up naming her Alicia? We won't.

There you go, problem solved. Oh my God, I love it. Are you a gambler in Vegas? Do you go and... Do I like, I like to play craps. So we just learned a couple weeks ago what craps is. Yeah, a couple weeks ago, Mark Chavez was on, and his parents had an online craps. Yeah, they have craps tips.

Craps training tables. Really? Yeah, yeah. It's one of those games where it's very friendly because like if everybody's playing pass line bets, everybody can win at the same time. It's not like a cranky

blackjack table where somebody will get mad at you if you don't take a card. Do you know what I mean? Oh, I see. Unless you're going to be that dick at the table playing against the pass line,

basically you should be able to go across the table and people can coach you along. And everyone goes, yay! Yeah, I love it. It's so fun. It's such a social table.

I love it. Do you have a thing you say before you throw the dice? I'm actually really crappy. No pun intended. I'm a really shitty roller. I usually don't shoot. No? No, I don't like shooting. So you just go, I feel pressure. You let somebody else shoot, but you gamble on there. Do you, have you ever had the dice just roll off

and bounce off the table? Oh yeah, that happens. That happens to a lot of people, especially drunk people. But my theory is, if I could give one craps tip, and mine are, of course all my tips in life are dumb. But they're free. But they're free, yeah.

But you want the shooter, you want your dice shooter to look like he's a serial killer. The crazier the man looks, the more power he has with dice. I swear to God. You need him to look like... If you get some cute, drunk guy, you're like, oh, no, this isn't going to work out. Even me, I'm not a good shooter.

Look at me. No. You don't look crazy. We're talking somebody crazy. Yeah. Come on, Dateline. Still the bad husband. You want that guy shooting the dice.

And, like, those people, I don't know why, but I'm telling you, every time there's a sociopath at the table, he can roll dice. And he'll just roll forever. You know, the game is over once he finally rolls a seven. Or not the game is over, but that's when all the money gets pulled from the table. Right. And craps, yeah. But anyways, I like craps and I also like video poker.

I like to play Deuces Wild. So wait a minute. What's video poker is like what you would play on a computer at home kind of thing? Yeah, but I sit at the bar and get my free Cure Royales

and then I sit there with Christine Von Hagen at the Plaza. By the way, the Plaza in Vegas is way dirtier than the Plaza in New York. Oh, yeah.

Does Madeline live there? Really proud of our jacket. Is that Madeline? I don't know. Who lives there? Matilda? Maybe Matilda. Have you ever gone on hotels.com, punched in Vegas, and scrolled to the last page?

No. Next page, next page, go to like page 10, then you'll find the plaza. Anyways, it's our favorite place to gamble. Is it on the old end of the strip? Fremont Street. Yeah. And I love Fremont Street.

I'm over the strip now. I need to be. Wait, what's Fremont Street? I don't know from Vegas. I don't know anything. Oh, so that's like the old school. Is it like downtown?

Downtown. Yeah. It's off the strip. Yeah. It's not the strip. It's like, it's old Vegas. It's like downtown.

The Golden Nugget. Right. The Golden Nugget. The. The Golden Nugget. The D. The Sapphire Turd. The cowboy that pointed himself. The Sapphire Turd. And then there's that hotel called The D.

And I like to. The D? Yeah, there's the hotel. Yeah, The D. They have a new comedy club there. It's called Jokesters. I'm playing there in January. Jokesters.

Yes. Jokesters at The D. The D is so fun to play with too. I've heard. I've seen aesters at the D. Jokesters at the D is so fun to play with, too. I've heard. I've seen a whole show of that. I know. Oh, my God. I don't know.

Like you, but you enjoy Vegas? I do. I like Vegas. Would you live in Vegas? I couldn't. No? I don't think so. I think that three nights in Vegas max, even though I have to go there sometimes for like a week.

Yeah. How do you guys feel about Vegas? A lot of people hate it. I used to go there all the time with week. How do you guys feel about Vegas? A lot of people hate it. I used to go there all the time with my husband, Rene Angélil. May he rest in peace. But yeah, the whole thing happened. No, I've only been once and I was a teenager when I went.

So you've never really been as like this? No, not as an adult. Yeah, I went once and I hardly gambled. I took one of my friends who doesn't travel very often i took her to vegas and it was like she got there and like i don't know if you guys have like a friend in your group of friends that like it's like super drunk like the most drunk of all time yeah yeah i have the liability drunk yeah yeah i took her to Vegas and Vegas is like

can you name her name black belt well she's not a comic so I don't think but I love her she's amazing and I'm sure my friends are listening to this

they're like oh we know who you're talking about let's call her but she can put it away we got to Vegas and you know people are like smoking indoors

still smoking casinos they're still smoking smoking that indo wow so she's like you can smoke indoors here You know, people are like smoking indoors, right? Still smoking casinos there? They're still smoking. Smoking that indoor? Wow. So she's like, you can smoke indoors here? And I was like, yeah. And then we're drinking on the streets, right?

Because you could just like walk down the street. Right. You can drink outside here? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, what kind of paradise is this? You can prostitute yourself here? I think that drinking outdoors is, I think that should be legal. Yeah. Walking down the street with a roadie.

Yeah, it's really fun. Yeah. It's my favorite part of it. A roadie? A roadie. Yeah. Oh, a road pop. Yeah.

I love, I love to go in the ABC store, get a little can of cider or something that's good for being in the sun. And then just like walk. If I'm going to be on the strip, that's what I like to do. They were going to make it legal. They were thinking about making it legal in parks here. Right. Yeah. Did that ever go?

I think it didn't go through, but people still do. Everyone drinks in parks and beaches and things. But they ticket in Toronto. They were ticketing people for drinking in the park in Toronto. Really? Yeah, it was a shame. What else are you supposed to do in a park? Or in Toronto.

Yeah, yeah. That's all we do in Toronto is drink. Because you could really hurt yourself if you try to slackline. That's true. That's a we do in Toronto is drink. Because you could really hurt yourself if you just try to slackline. Oh, that's true. That's a good call. Oh, my God. Do you go back to Toronto at all, or is that a bridge too far? I think I was a little scared to move to L.A., so I didn't let go of my apartment right away.

Okay. So I had a subletter in there for a while, and then the subletter ended up causing me a little go of my apartment right away. Okay. So I had a subletter in there for a while and then the subletter ended up causing me a little bit of headaches here and there. Yeah, like doesn't that always happen? It seems like that's always what happens with a sublet. Yeah, like when she was moving and I didn't want to I had really cheap rent. I had this amazing

apartment in the annex for $745 a month. Whoa, that's cheap. I had a working fireplace. Like it was a really cute apartment. Wow. Yeah. So I was like, you know, of course I had that, like, pipe dream of being like, oh, maybe it'll go so well in LA that I could afford both apartments, one in LA, one in Toronto. Cut to me coming home in September and severing all ties to everything in Toronto.

I can't afford both. But it was so funny when she was, I didn't, I didn't publicize getting rid of the apartment. I was just like, let me just seek somebody out. It wasn't on the news? No, I know. Shocking. I invited Global over. I was like, here's what we're going to do.

We're going to have a reality show. Who wants my apartment? Who wants my rental? Lessa Frommer is going to be the host. Okay. Super Global reference. Okay. Anyways, yeah.

But I saw this girl that was trying to move from Ottawa and I was like, okay, she seems like she's got her shit together. Sure. I'm really good at reading people. So anyways,

so she comes and she's like, oh, I have a cat. I'm like, oh, my landlord's like no pets. And she's like, well, that's against the law. Landlord can't tell you that you oh I have a cat I'm like oh my landlord is like no pets and she's like well that's against the law the landlord can't tell you

that you can't have pets I was like oh no like I have $750 rent yeah yeah they can tell me whatever I want yeah I don't even tell

I don't do and never complain to my landlord like never I just you stay under the radar and then you get cheap rent for a long time

yeah so anyways cut to a few months into her residency at my place. My friends that live downstairs, Mike Von Hagen, Christine's brother, and my best friend, Anna, they're like both DMing me. And they're like, oh, my God. They're like, Jodi brought home a squirrel. I shouldn't have said her name.

But anyway, she is a lovely person. And she's a caring person. You can figure that out from the story. Yeah. But I'm like, squirrel? She brought home a squirrel. And then they're like, yeah, she brought home a squirrel. A live squirrel?

Yes. There's a live squirrel living in my apartment. I don't know what's better or worse. Yeah, that's true. But I don't understand. If I said no cats, why do you think vermin would be okay? She's like, nobody keeps these as pets so then she was like i was like is there a squirrel living in my apartment and then she was like well yeah it was dying on the side of the road i couldn't just let it sit there and i was

like oh my god am i a cruel bitch for being like yeah yeah yeah oh no yeah we don't have an arrangement with squirrels there There's enough of them. I see enough dead ones. She brought in a one-legged seagull into the apartment. Oh, good. Yeah, we're short of seagulls. Oh, my God. And then I was just like, oh, man.

And it was hard to be mad at her. But then at that point, I was just like, I need to get rid of this apartment. I can't be responsible for squirrels. I can't even. You know what I mean like it's too stressful yeah this morning I was driving and I thought I saw an eagle what'd you do yeah once in a while yeah but it was a seagull and in my mind I was like did I did I rhyme that in my head and trick my eyes? Well, is that a flying beagle? So regal.

Dave, what's going on with you, man? Well, this is the last of the, because we're stockpiling episodes. Yeah. Right. Before the baby is born. That makes sense. For unto us a child is born. Oh. We are recording this one before Christmas as well.

So people will be hearing this in mid-January. Cast your minds back. Yeah. Stick to those resolutions, people. Yeah. You can do it. Have we already gotten past that um uh what do they call blue monday the saddest day of the year yeah it's a fake it's a fake i was gonna be like i

don't even know about that but i'm i mean every year there's a there's news articles about how this is the saddest it's like when everybody's visa bill from the holidays right mixed with mixed with you've put on weight you you've given up on your resolution that sounds like how like where i'm at after a comedy competition i'm already weighing my visa bills and i owe like a grand it is actually the same feeling but it's fake it was cut like the the people, there was no actual research behind it. Right. Like a British travel agency.

It sounds enough like fact that people are like, I guess we got to report on something. So right now we are in a holding pattern. We are with my wife so pregnant. And her parents are staying with us. Wow. wife is so pregnant uh and her parents are staying with us and we are doing um like christmas stuff and baby stuff all at the same time we went we took margo to this thing called enchant uh-huh which is down at the uh olympic village okay and it's this it's like a christmas market and there there's another christmas market in town

uh i don't i don't know from mark oh you gotta go now pass i'm good the other one is just a german themed christmas market so you know all the all it's all sausages yeah sausages and gingerbread exactly yeah uh and this one is like the theme is lights yum so it's called enchant and we there's like a maze full of lights and it's you know it's super cute and yeah it's it was fun like uh as far as one of those things is like it just packed with people yeah walking through and there's one place where there's lights just like dangling down onto you and you have to make it like they're vines and you go ah very pretty yeah and then you go in and you you know it's it's a lot of there's a christmas market there and it's a lot

of like actual big companies that are pretending to be small companies. Radio Shack. Yeah. Like, you know, like, tell us, the telecommunications company, set up a kiosk. Yeah, sure. And we're going to guess your weight. Boy, that's gone out of fashion. The guess your weight or guess your age booth. It used to be like that was somebody's gig. I know, that's true.

Somebody's gig. Whatever happened. Someone went to school for that. No, you have to learn. You have to apprentice. You learn on the job. I think we should guess each other's weights. Oh, no.

No, no, no. I kid, Graham. How rude. How rude. That would be a good idea for a podcast. How rude? No, the Guess Your Way podcast. And it could be called How Rude.

How Rude, the Guess Your Way podcast. Oh, my God. I just weighed myself for the first time in years. Of course, I did that moving to LA. Oh, surprise. Did you do it? I'm just headed to my high school reunion. I'll weigh myself.

Oh, my God. Yeah, exactly. That's my New Year's resolution for 2017. I'm not going to weigh myself. There you go. Because I think I'm just happier. Yeah. Like, I have a little control over my own.

You're fine. You look great. Come on. Stretchy pants season, that's for sure. Sure. All stretchy pants. But, yeah, anyways, I was shocked. I was like 20 pounds heavier than what I've been telling sure. Sure. All stretchy pants. But yeah, anyways, I was shocked. I was like 20 pounds heavier

than what I've been telling people. Oh. And I literally never meant to lie about my weight ever, but I just, who knew? You were just like, oh boy,

oh boy. I was like, oh, I'm probably like 140 and then I was 160 and I was like, oh my God. And you're like,

do I have something in my pockets what is what's going on here were you wearing big boots that's a good that's a good thing to write off

oh those are like 10 pound boots yeah I was like please tell me that like half a pound went to my boobs or something

yeah help me out here biology it's all it's all my triceps. Where I carry my weight. Triceps and chins. I mean, you do seven great voices, and each of those weighs like five pounds.

Yeah, that's true. What if that was the case? All the weight went to my voices. That's true. What if that was the case? All the weight went to my voices. That's right. Then, you know, Terry Fader would be the fattest man in all. Frank Caliendo would. Oh, wait. We have a lot of fun with weight here.

Yeah, absolutely. So, yeah, I've been going out and experiencing Christmas things. Sure. You went out to a light market. Yeah, exactly. GE presents. As far as a thing like that goes, it was pretty good for a thing that's nothing. You go there, when you leave, you have nothing to show for it.

They just sell you a light on the way out. It's all just like, you know, places to take selfies. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of that. You know, and I guess it's just like, some company gets to write it off. Like, yeah, we put on this thing for the

public. Yeah, I don't know who put it on. The lights are saying. They did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't even feel the crisp, like, I don't yeah yeah I don't even feel the Christmas like I don't know I don't know if it's because I've been in LA

for so long or but it doesn't feel like Christmas to me is that just me like growing out of it yeah probably I mean yeah

cause you're here and it's there's snow everywhere for the first time ever I know actually now that I'm here I'm starting to feel

a little bit but still not really like I don't know and LA doesn't feel like Christmas at all. Well, no. No. They're all heathens. Liberal Hollywood elites. Yeah, yeah. With their

decorated palm trees. Sure, they don't know it's better to give than to receive. Oh my god. Yeah, and then here's just a, like, let's check in on my dreams. Yeah. Okay, do.

I like this. Because normally I only, I don't really have a lot of dreams. Yeah. And when I do. You mean sleeping dreams. Yeah. No, I thought you were talking about real dreams. No, I'm talking sleeping, literal, real dreams of sleep when I sleep.

Because my most famous boring dream. was that your travel agent was retiring. Oh my God. And the other subconscious you hold. Okay. And there was another night recently where I had a dream and the only, like something was going on in the dream, but the only thing I could remember, and the only thing that really stood out even at the time was,

why am I wearing white shorts? So that was the, the crux of the dream. Dave Owens white shorts. Why do I have white shorts? You know, I actually keep a dream diary. I have a dream journal and I'm always really scared.

I wouldn't want to have dream diarrhea in my white shorts. I'm always scared. I have like, I don't know if you guys have different like categories of notebooks, you know,

like a real like morning pages. I have a cell phone. And then I have my favorite texts of all time journal. No, but I have a dream diary. And I'm always scared.

Like, what if I die one day and somebody thinks that that's my real diary? What if they think that's your actual dreams of things you want to accomplish? Own white shorts. She could have done it. She wasn't just watching The Good One all the time. She could have gone, I bought those shorts. Oh, yeah. she wasn't just watching the good one all the time she could have gone and bought those shorts oh yeah do you have like something crazy

that you've like have you gone back over it none of my dreams are that exciting like sometimes they're kind of kinky where I get like

oral sex from somebody I never expected to get it from those are my best dreams sure a minotaur yeah a wharf

just the generic dreams Tor. Yeah, Worf. Just the generic dreams. That's my problem. I guess I'm at my sexual peak right now and I can really tell by my dreams. It's really bad. Who's the weirdest you never expected to get it from? I don't think I could say. I couldn't even hold it. So it's not like a fictional character.

No, it's like people in my real life. Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. You won't believe what I thought about you last time. Ooh, thanks, Captain Obvious. Yeah. Cut between my thighs in my dream. And then you see it

in real life and it's like really uncomfortable yeah but they don't know no I would never tell them they don't know why it's uncomfortable

I know and I think I get awkward a lot especially like in big groups of people so then like throw an oral sex dream

into my brain and then I get like really nervous in front of people. Why is Christina just standing in the corner over there? Reader journal. So yeah, that's what's going on with me. Pretty good.

Boring dreams and nights of light. What about your real dreams? Have your dreams come true in life? Yeah. I mean. Are we in dreams coming true territory? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Are all of us us graham oh sure why not sure right yeah i'm pretty kind of i'm happy doing what i'm doing in motion ish yeah right yeah i don't think i had any specific idea of how things are i assumed i'd

be dead by now so you know now i'm just uh now i'm in bonus round bonus life yeah i was like yeah yeah sure you know so now i'm just floating along what's going on with you lately my friend uh well here is two things uh okay well more uh more one thing than the other but this is this is something that's begun happening on public transit and i don't know if this is here to stay but i really hope it's not is people listening to music oh out of their phones oh yeah no when did that ever become a thing that was uh right no that's no that should not be happening and like holding it yeah and like playing it loud enough that everyone on the bus or train can hear it. It's not like, oh, I'm watching a video and I forgot to turn the sound off.

I'm walking on this where everybody's just trying to get home from work or whatever, and then they're playing their whatever music they like. Which sounds great coming out of a phone speaker. Yeah, yeah, exactly. He's like, oh, wait, let me get a cup. I'll put the cell phone in the cup. I don't know. It'll give you a little more amplification.

That'll make it sound better, louder. But, like, I guess the last time this was an issue would have been when people would bring, like, i guess a radio or a ghetto blaster on a train i don't and they specifically have a sign saying no ghetto blaster yeah so but oh boy i just really hope that this this has been a few isolated incidents right oh no it's uh it's it's on the grow but i don't get what's the best outcome of that, that somebody's going to go, yeah, that song. The best outcome is it kills five minutes of your commute listening to a song. Yeah, I guess.

Never music that you like, though. It's never been a song I like. Never. I guess the best case, like if this gets popular enough, there'll be multiple people doing it on the same thing, and everyone will be like this is horrible why am i contributing to this but it's never yeah it's never something where you're like well at least that's background noise-ish i know of like musicians who will

before they release music they will uh you know they'll mix it in the studio and then they'll listen to it in the car and they'll listen to it in the uh yeah you know through their home stereo and they'll try to you know make sure it sounds good everywhere i wonder if people will start making music to be listened to through a tiny speaker well then i'm just gonna i'm just gonna move to vegas where everything's so loud. Yeah, it's just insane. Bling, bling, bling. The other possibility is if it's someone really old,

they don't know that their headphones aren't plugged in like they're wearing. I mean, that's adorable. That is cute. But they would be listening to like... Old Grey Mare. Yeah, the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boys. Or Kesha. Or Kesha.

Or Kesha Party at a Rich Guy's House. That's a good one. I like that one. I think if somebody was playing Kesha on their phone, everybody would be having a good time. What if the whole train just got up and started dancing? Maybe that's what people are hoping is going to happen. That is.

They're waiting for their viral video to happen. Oh yeah, let's do a lip dub. Because I saw an ad a couple of weeks ago for is Radio Shack still what they call it or is it a different name? It's still Radio Shack. No. Here? No, in the States. I don't think it

still exists in the States. Well, it was, I think it I'm pretty sure it was Radio Shack and the ad was Nick Cannon states well it was i think it i'm pretty sure it was radio tag and the ad was nick cannon had it was these headphones that flip out words so that you could play the music out and he's on a bus in the ad can play them out from your ears yeah so they're loudest right at your ears yeah such a bad idea for a product but he goes on a he's on a bus in the commercial and he flips them out and everybody starts having a party on the bus and mariah carey really took him for everything he's worth riding the bus

so that's one thing okay like um and then the other thing was this I read this article and it was in reference to a thing called the Mandela effect do you know what this is? no so it came about kind of earlier in the year or maybe last year

there was this do you remember the kids book the Berenstain Bears of course Berenstain Bears Berenst the kids' book, The Berenstain Bears? Of course. Berenstain Bears? Yeah. Berenstain or Berenstain? Berenstain. So that's the big.

Berenstain Bears? Maybe. That's the big controversy is that it's Berenstain. I was still learning how to read. Berenstain. With an A. Oh, no. I would never go with the A, though.

Yeah. And a lot of people were like, why do we collectively remember it as E? Berenstain. Yeah. yeah and a lot of people were like why do we collectively remember it as sarin steen yeah and so there's this uh thing that it's the mandela effect that there's like basically like a glitch in the matrix that we all remember a thing that then turns out never and this the name is in reference to people um i think nelson yeah people people of like hundreds of people vividly remember nelson mandela dying in prison in the prison yeah which never happened oh my god so he was released and became the president he's on the good wife right now oh is he he's got an arc

um so there's this one uh lately that's kind of made the rounds on the internet about, uh, Sinbad, the comedian. Yeah. Starring in a movie where he plays a genie and the movie everybody swears up and down is called Shazam. Uh-huh. And, uh, it doesn't exist. Sinbad himself is like, never have made this movie. And it's not Kazam, the Shaquille o'neal which is the movie everybody is thinking is it the same plot they're remembering the plot of that they're remembering

it because the plot of shazam the fake shazam is that this genie shows up these two kids yeah want their dad to fall in love yeah after their mother has died and the genie can't do it. Right. And that's, is that the plot of that? Kazam? In essence, right?

It's, it's the Kazam is like, he's just like, it's just a genie and the wacky adventures of a kid who gets a genie. Right. And these people are like, no, but I remember this movie.

And I can assure you during the nineties, I watched every bad movie that was on offer. That's all I had. If there had been a Sinbad genie movie, I assure you I would have seen it. So you can put it to bed right now. There was no... If Sinbad's word wasn't good enough for you. Yeah, this is... I would have seen it. There was no stone left unturned in the 90s in terms of horrible films.

It's funny, though, because the plot of this movie, it couldn't have been good. No. Like, everyone remembers it being bad. Yeah, exactly. No one is like, oh, yeah, no, I think it won an Oscar that year. Yeah, and it's also, I mean, it's one of those things where if you're like, no, it starred like a black guy. Oh, Kazam. No.

No, definitely Sinbad. Yeah. Are you thinking of Shaquille O'Neal no like no what are are there other examples of it uh

those are the those are the big ones I mean I guess that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the

that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the

that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the

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that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the

that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the that's the and the very same bears carved in rock. And there was, it was somebody found a picture, an old promotional photo of Sinbad

wearing like an old timey turban. And they're like, there's your proof. And he's like, that's from when I hosted a Sinbad, the sailor marathon on TNT. Like he's like, why would I like,

this is big Sinbad's trying to keep. Yeah. The Illuminati is involved in it yeah but uh yeah i just like one of those things is also how uh people are very trustworthy of their own memory they're like if you know if they're like i remember this movie shazam and then if somebody said to me no it's kazam and i'd be like oh yeah like i wouldn't be like no no it's a thing that i'm sure exists but then there's people that just pretend that they know about something just to stay involved in the conversation oh yeah you know what i mean that person like yeah i know but they've never seen it they don't know and it would have been cooler if they were just like no i don't know what you're

talking about but instead they're like yeah i don what you're talking about. But instead they're like, yeah, I don't want to see you dumb. Yeah. So then they're just like making the problem bigger. So it's their friend is like, yeah, you remember Shazam.

And then, yeah, exactly. Yeah, I saw that. That's my favorite. I saw it in grade 10. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw it in grade 10 when I was sort of getting into boys. Shazam was my first. Yeah. It was the original Netflix and chill. I come over for some Shazam and whatever and slam. Shazam and chill. A Sinbad and chill.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I'm going to get the Sinbad box chill oh my god I'm gonna get the Sinbad box collection for Christmas sure you're creating Christmas this January first kid

ooh was he was he first kid first kid is the one about the president's kid and Sinbad is maybe on the cover

with he's the secret service guy yeah no he wasn't in that that was Shaquille O'Neal. And it was called kid number one. So, do we want to move on to a little bit of business?

I don't know. Maybe we do. Maybe we want to do overhears. I don't remember. Me neither. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You got to do the things you don't remember. Me neither. Life can be fun. Don't get carried away. You gotta do the things

you don't want to do to get through the day. You gotta shine your shoes. You gotta sweep the floor. You gotta clean your house. You gotta do some more. Take care of business. Well, folks,

this episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself is brought to you in part by ZipRecruiter. Now, Dave, do you know what ZipRecruiter is? I don't know anything. Well, let me tell you. It's the new year, which means it's a fresh start for your business.

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Or she. Thank you. Yeah. It's not enough to just put up one post on one site, because then you're only going to get that same goon over and over and over again. Oh, yeah. You want to be able to put it across many different sites. That's where ZipRecruiter comes in.

Oh, okay. So you post it to ZipRecruiter. They post Oh, okay. So you posted to ZipRecruiter. They posted to over 200 job sites. Is that what I'm taking in? Yeah. I don't know where you came up with that number, but that is exactly right, Dave. Does that include social media networks like Facebook and Twitter all with a single click? Dave, I'm starting to think that you maybe knew a little something about this before

we got into this. Can you find candidates in any city or industry nationwide? Dave, of course you can. Do you just have to post and watch your qualified candidates roll in how do you know all this stuff because now i've i'm now you're outside of the realm i know look no juggling emails or calls to your office you don't want everyone just like emailing your office. You don't want everyone just, like, emailing your office. Your boss hates that. I also don't want to see you juggling on company time. Well. Well.

Well, why did I start this toy company then? Quickly screen candidates, rate them, and hire the right person fast. Find out today why ZipRecruiter has been used by over one zillion businesses. I think there's a typo there. One million businesses. And right now, our listeners can post jobs on ZipRecruiter for free by going to ZipRecruiter.com slash happy. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash happy. One more time, to try it for free, go to ZipRecruiter.com slash happy.

The three of you enter a cave of a big red dragon and is standing over a horde of precious golden rubies. And he says, what do you do, adventurers? I'm a dragon man. I cast fire on him. It's very good. I address the red dragon and say, us, we're the hosts of The Adventure Zone, a podcast about

family playing Dungeons and Dragons. Very good synergy. Commit to the bit. I roll to the bit. I roll to charm new listeners. It is very effective. Against all odds. Everybody, we're the Macroids. We host the Adventure Zone.

It's a podcast where we play Dungeons & Dragons together. It's a comedy podcast. We don't take the rules too seriously because there's a lot of them and we did not take the time to learn them. Maybe listen to us. We come out every other Thursday on the Maximum Fun Network. You can find us on iTunes or on MaximumFun.org.

I think this promo is a critical hit. Mugs, shirts, stickers, patches, tanks, and more are yours for the purchasing at MaxFunStore.com. Hey, you already love the podcasts, so why not take this to the next level and outfit your home and bod with our merch? MaxFunStore.com. Because if you have to wear a shirt, it should be one of ours. Overheard. Overheard. It's a segment in which we hear things out there in the world, and then we share them here on the podcast, and we laugh, and we learn, and we grow.

We like to start with our guest. Yeah. Snapchatting right now. Yeah, she's in the middle of a Snapchat. Oh, now I'm acting like a millennial. Oh, well. Oh, well. That's what happens when my voice gets too peppy.

Do you have an overheard that you'd like to share? God, do I have an overheard? I should have thought of this. You really should have. I know. I know. I always,

always, how do you not overhear things? And I forget. So it's harder now that you wear those Nick Cannon headphones. Yeah, that's true.

You're always, people are overhearing you, having a great time. Right? We'll come back to you. How about that? We'll start with Dave. Okay, mine.

Oh, it hardly counts. Sure. Because we are recording so many episodes that I am not hearing a lot of things other than things in my house. Yeah. So this is something from my house. This is something that our darling two-year-old child said. She's obsessed with the idea of this new baby coming in. Yeah.

Coming into town. Yeah. She wants to, she's plotted out 30 seconds of what will happen. When we talk about the baby sister, she'll always say, yeah, hold on the chair right over there. She points to the chair and that's where she'll hold the baby. Yeah. But that won't eat up very much time. But for her, that's a good fraction of her whole life.

And Abby picked her up the other day and Abby just said, do you want me to carry you like a baby? And Margo said, who's the baby now? So adorable. So adorable. uh mine is uh i i'll go a twofer these are because these are going dipping back into the old instagram catalog okay but uh when i was in in Nanaimo, I saw on a community board an ad for a gym and the name of the gym was Jimmy Buffett but it was Jimmy

G-Y-M-M-Y Buff B-U-F-F-F-I-T Jimmy Buffett. Pretty good, right? I give points to that. But what's going on there? A lot of fun.

Probably having a lot of fun. I want to go to their website and see if there's like a parrot-headed theme. It's just people getting wasted. Yeah. You have to like, you know, in your SoulCycle class, you're trying to race to catch a lost shaker of salt. That was a long way to go. And then there was another one. There was a truck parked on my street that was like an arborist, I guess.

A person who cuts up trees. And the name of the company was Plant Parenthood. Oh, that's cute. I like that. Yeah, pretty good. Now, do you recall an overheard? Now I've got to know. There we go.

Okay. I can't do the one from last night because it's too fresh. Too nasty. But I can do an old overheard that's obviously stuck in my brain uh that i feel it's better because i'm the i'm the loser in the story sure i don't want to tell stories where i'm the winner right nobody likes those stories come off like i have an ego or something which i don't um so i remember you might experience this have you ever gone to the bathroom after doing a set and then you hear people discussing your show as you're on the toilet. It must happen a lot more with women.

Right, because we can't see each other. We're behind stalls. And men were all just puppetry-ating their penises. Yeah, you're doing puppetry to the penis at your funeral. Wait, with Kim Kardashian breaking the internet, she had a wine glass on her butt. Yeah. And a bottle of champagne spraying over top.

Is there pee in the puppetry? No, but I'll tell them. Maybe they can add that in. Is there a tiny wine glass? I think they have it in there before. Hey, is there pee in this one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When do you guys pee?

Make with the pee Alright, go ahead Alright, so you're in the bathroom After a sec And do their penises get sweaty under the lights? You know, I feel like they do a little bit They wear capes They do sweat a lot

Like the dudes, not necessarily the penis I don't know how penises work Do they sweat? I assume so. Free? Yeah. Does not compute. Free lube.

Awesome. Okay. Too gross. Can't have this gross girl on again. Oh, yeah. So then I heard these old ladies and they were talking about me. And they're like, when do you think of that last girl? No, are you going gonna do their voices that's it that's just 10 pounds of voice coming out there

and then i was so scared of what they were gonna say after me that i like barged into the stall and i was like yeah what did you think and i knew i had bombed and she just looked at me and was like, yeah, what did you think? And I knew it had bombed. She just looked at me and was like, our nachos took 45 minutes. So she diverted it to criticizing the nachos? That's pretty good. I think that being hangry

and the food wait times at a comedy club can somehow take a toll on the comic. Somehow I have to pay for comic. Oh, I'm. Somehow I have to pay for that. Yeah, that's true. If people are like waiting on food, that's like. It's all they can think about. Yeah.

Oh boy. Yeah. I can relate, man. I like food. I hate waiting. I know. But also, why do they serve food at a comedy club? That was someplace called the Loretto Tavern in Ontario, maybe like an hour and a half north of Toronto. So if you're ever in Loretto, bring your own nachos. Bring your own nachos.

It's going to be a while. Just in like a Ziploc bag. Yeah, bring them from Toronto. Go to one of the many pubs. Oh, yeah, sure. Everybody knows that nachos in Canada suck. There's never enough cheese. Our cheese is so expensive here.

You go to America and have nachos, and you get ample cheese. Oh, so America's one of the... God damn it. If you get nachos in Canada, it's fine. It's not like you're going to cry or anything. But you have to order extra cheese in Canada. You have to pay that extra dollar. It's worth it.

Yeah. You'll be happy you did. Yeah. This is a good life. You know, it's a good life hack. These are the tips you get from me. Yeah.

Your craft stealer has to be a sociopath. That's right. And always order extra cheese. Yeah. And if anybody's about to criticize you, you just get in their face. Yeah. Barge out of the nearest bathroom,

like Drew Carey. I'm full of blood too. He's not the only thing that's full of blood. Now we also have overheard sent in from people around the world. If you want to send one in to us you can send it in to spy

at maximumfun.org I'm going to do that. I'm going to send you guys in some from Malibu.org. I'm going to do that. I'm going to send you guys in some from Malibu. Yeah. Why not? I'm living in Malibu right now. Oh, that's pretty nice. No, it's so boring.

It really is. I'm surrounded by rehabs. Sounds beautiful, though. Oh, my God. Oh, so scenic. I'm like, oh, my God. Is this a sign? Do we tell the listeners we just cracked a beer? No, it's fine. It's so scenic. I'm like, oh my God, is this a sign? Do we tell the listeners we just cracked a beer?

No, it's fine. It's afternoon. I'm going to burp in five minutes. You're surrounded by rehab, so it's like rehab bukkake. It's a rehab bukkake now. Oh my God, it's true. Everything in Malibu shuts down at like 8 o'clock. It's a really sleepy town.

There's only 13,000 people. I live in a small town. Oh, cool. Yeah. Seaside town. Yeah, I town yeah live right on the beach or across the street from the beach really yeah nice you really live in the california dream i know it's too bad i'm not doing any work it would get in the way of all the hanging out i know oh my god um this first one comes from Deirdre L. I think Deirdre is how you pronounce it. Some girls go by Deirdre. Well, I know I'm not picking that name for the baby.

It's too confusing for us to. Yeah, yeah. While riding the bus in Chicago, a couple of girls in their early 20s got on and sat in the seats behind me. They were talking about some event they were coming from with accents I cannot describe any better than that of a valley girl. As we rode along, girl one asked girl two about some guy girl two had been dating. Girl two explained as follows. Well, he told me he didn't want to date anymore.

So I'm like, whatever. Then he texted me, like, saying how much he loves me and i'm like i don't want to date you and then then what happened i just thought he'd be classy he works for pbs oh my god yeah don't play games with me yeah Yeah. PBS. Gordon from Sesame Street. Yeah. Yeah, season two of Blackadder. Don't play games with me, guy from Antiques Roadshow that looks like Paul F. Tompkins. Or dresses like Paul F. Tompkins.

Yeah, does he have a mustache? Well, I guess Paul F. Tompkins now. Full beard. No, not anymore. Oh, that was just for bajillion yeah i got you all right you know what i like to keep up on your friends facial hair absolutely uh this next one comes from carmen in uh london england oh uh my awesome fiance Oscar, and I live in London, and we went to a local diner for dinner tonight. We overheard one of the guests saying, Hey, Marge, have you heard of a menage a trois?

No? A menage a trois? It's a cheesecake. It's a type of cheesecake. It's an American word, you know. I don't even know what to make of that. They lost me when they were at a diner in London. Don't you go to a pub?

Yeah, you go to a pub. You go to a diner. I guess they have diners there. Diners, I think, are an American word. Blood pudding. Sure. Spotted dick. Meat pies.

Yeah. To be fair, Menage a Trois is a brand of wine. Is it? Yeah, there's a wine company that is called Menage a Trois. There you go. Yeah. Oh, maybe it's made out of three kinds of grapes. You know what?

You're probably right. Oh, you're good. Good, Dave. Look, I'm the Sherlock Holmes of wine branding. In this wine, two grapes watch while a third... Ooh, you can taste the cuck. This last one comes from... Wait, two watch while the third...

While the third rolls around by itself. Oh, God. This last one comes from Catherine H. in Cambridge, United Kingdom. Oh, aren't you smart? This is a little kid. I'm just a janitor solving problems on the board. That's Cambridge, the other Cambridge. Oh, okay.

This is a little kid looks up at a notice on a lamppost selling a piano with a picture of the piano. And the kid says, Mom, look, someone's lost their piano. Oh. Adorable. Yeah. Who's the baby now? Who's the baby now? Who's the baby now? She's not that good at putting words together yet.

So there's always a little pause between there. Right. What's that sound? Like an action hero. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yippee.

Kai. Yay. Mom and dad in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you would like to call us oh boy the ball is in your court what you need to do is you need to take out your phone dialer and you dial 1-844-779-7631 that is one spy pod one like these people have hi dave graham and delightful guest this is andrew from boulder colorado i was just getting off work and i heard a woman getting out of her car and saying yeah i had a dream last night where her daughter was just like hating on bluegrass music.

So, and then she just kind of trailed off after that. That's one of those dreams. That's a dream of mine. Yeah. Oh, it was so upsetting. She really didn't like bluegrass. Yeah, I'll have to tell, I'm working with somebody this weekend at the Comedy Mix. I had a dream that he and I went out for Chinese food.

Who? Jacob Samuel is his name. Oh. And I don't know why I had a dream about him and I eating Chinese food. He do cartoon? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He do the one that's up on your wall there. He did that cartoon on my wall.

Cute. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave Graham and possible guest. This is David in Lafayette, Colorado, calling in with an overheard. Last winter, I was picking up my son from his middle school, and it had snowed very, a lot the day before. And this girl comes tearing out the front door of the school, and she just yells at the top of her lungs,

there's more snow out here than at a titty bar. Thank you. Factual. Yeah. Although, have you been to Santa's strip club? They have a pole. Yep. Surely that must be a thing that happens this time of year.

That they candy cane up the pole. Well, and the strippers come out in a naughty Santa's wife costume or an elf costume. That shouldn't be sexy. Well, I agree. And yet. I'm powerless. And yet take me away, Santa baby. Yeah. When I see those, that velvet suit with those, whatever, kinky boots.

Yeah. Santa really shouldn't be wearing kinky boots in the snow. Yeah. He can do whatever he wants. He's magical. Here's your final overheard of the week. Hi, this is Victoria calling inondon ontario with an overheard i was just getting some thai food and i was sitting at a booth eating and a couple came

in and sat down and i could hear them talking about the menu and clearly this was the guy's first time at a thai place and he wasn't really impressed and his his girlfriend said, oh, why don't you get the Pad Thai? And he said, I wanted to go to Buffalo Wild Wings. Well, let's compromise. You can eat the Pad Thai now. We'll go to Buffalo Wild Wings for dessert. You can get, like, chicken skewers. Yeah.

That'd be great. I love Thai food. I'm all about that. I wonder if... It's my favorite. I think a chicken... Chicken skewer... Does that have a name?

Yeah. Kebab? Yeah. Chicken skewer. In Thai? I like that. Because Pad Thai is the noodles with like... Yeah.

Like egg noodles and peanuts and egg and... And shrimp. Sprouts. Yeah. I love it. Yeah, me too. Is that the thing you would give? I think the, because like if you ever go for sushi and someone's not into it, you can just say, have the chicken teriyaki.

That's true. Yeah, right. I wonder if that's the Thai food equivalent. I think it's got to be the chicken skewers or the Thai food equivalent. Whatever they're called. So like if you go, I've never ever been to a buffalo wild wings I don't know what is it literally

only chicken wings they have weck yeah I think it's like hooters but without the hooters like it's like finally something for me

I think it's like a sports bar it is oh okay yeah but like yeah hooters without the hooters we finally got rid of that thing you hate about like a sports bar it is oh okay yeah it's but like yeah not the fooders with us

we finally got rid of that thing you hate about our restaurant it's true though you got it's like the same decor the same kind of setup yeah chicken satay oh satay yours there you go so what do you calladika. Now, that brings us to the end of the episode. Do you have anything coming up? This will air in January. Do you have anything coming up? You want to plug? I know for sure.

So like mid-January? Sure. The 16th this comes up. Oh, I think that exact week I will be out playing Jokesters in the D in Las Vegas. Yeah. Play the D. Curse of Fire fire i'll be playing the d i know i have a show in saskatoon for international women's day hey my jokes are up here with erica sigurdsson and jen grant oh yeah right and then i don't know mid-february i'm gonna go to vegas just to go watch j-lo so if you want to watch me watch J-Lo. Where? Planet Hollywood.

Is it a theater? Is she doing like a one-off or is she starting a residency? She's got a residency. Oh, cool. Her and Britney, I think flip-flop. Oh, it's Britney, bitch. Wow. I know.

I already saw Britney. How was she? To die for? It was pretty good. Yeah. There's a little phoning it in, like, make money for children. Here we go. Like, you know, like.

I like the dance that you did was vaguely like the charleston she comes out and i gotta make money for these kids gotta make some money for kevin federline oh yeah he's probably still uh very much on that gravy train oh boy yeah he is yeah he's probably in Fresno. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if Dino Archie knows him. Did we ever ask him?

Or have we asked Dino every time? Next time he comes on, that's going to be the first question. What's Kevin like? Yeah, happy International Women's Day. Thanks. When's that, March? Yeah, it's in March. Cool.

Saskatoon in March. Remember, start writing you start getting your cards now and sending them to the women you know uh-huh yeah yeah go early get your woman tree we were in saskatoon in october yeah it was wonderful it was wonderful it was it was snowing it was cold but you know but sometimes the colder the weather the nicer the people. There you go. That's a nice spin. I like a positive spin on everything.

Yeah. I like to do life. Yeah. Pretty good. Yeah. If you stay at the Sheraton there, can you steal some pens for me? I can see there's one on the floor right now. I noticed this because I looked down and I was like, oh, is that my pen?

And then at the Sheraton, I was like, no, no, no. Mine all stayed days in. Way more tragic hotels. Now, if you out there like the show, you should head over to MaximumFun.org. Check out the blog recap, pictures and videos relating to the content of this podcast. That Sinbad genie movie. Yeah, we'll post the whole thing. I torrented it. What else did we talk about?

Bukkake. Yeah. Puppetry of the penis. I'm not posting any pictures of this episode. This will be a blank episode. And thank you so much for being our guest. Guys, thanks so much for having me on. I love you guys

you guys are the best well get out of here no for real and it's funny because now so many podcasts are coming out that like your name really

it's a good name oh good it wasn't a good name for nine years now it makes so much sense I can't wait for somebody to start a festival like a comedy festival

called Stop Festivaling Yourself because I can't afford to end to start a festival like a comedy festival called Stop Festivaling Yourself because I can't afford to enter anymore yeah stop early birding yourself no early birds and thanks all for listening and if you like the show tell your friends

and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself podcasting yourself. Maximumfun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.