Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 471 - Alicia Tobin

Episode Date: March 27, 2017

Comedian Alicia Tobin returns to talk dogs and fiddlers, dog eyes, and drunks in costumes. It's week 2 of #MaxFunDrive 2017. Stop Podcasting Yourself is supported almost entirely through listener donations. maximumfun.org/donate

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 471 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who is so stoked for week two of the MaxFunDrive, Mr. Dave Shumka. You read my diary. Yeah, even though it said on it, for Dave's eyes only, I was like, I just want to make sure he's not experimenting with drugs uh-huh was i uh yeah yeah well that explains why i wrote i was so stoked oh man i'm so stoked you were doing ayahuasca with your friends is that an illegal drug ayahuasca is that a national park it's a summer camp and uh it's a tea a tea, isn't it? I don't, I have no idea.

I think I had an overheard once, uh, from a guy I overheard at the restaurant we were talking about right before the show started, uh, that egg restaurant. Yeah. And,

uh, he, he was looking forward to, uh, taking a couple of weeks and doing ayahuasca. Fun. I think it's a big in the, um,

uh, the burning man crew. Yeah. The BMC. And I think a's big in the Burning Man crew. Yeah. The BMC. And I think a lot of people are doing it as like a corporate retreat kind of stuff. Yeah. For what kind of corporation? It could be dangerous, couldn't it be? Wait a minute.

Who's that? Oh, shit. Get out of here. I was waiting forever. You kept making eye contact with me. That voice you hear is our guest for week two of the Max Fun Drive. A favorite guest. A person that people have been requesting return to the podcast.

A guest-o-request-o. She is the host of her own podcast called Retail Nightmares. Yeah, I had to get my own. What? And you're going to the Winnipeg Comedy Festival for the first time to do your show, Come Draw With Me. That's all correct. It checks out. Yeah.

So if you're in Winnipeg in April, check out that show. And our guest, Alicia Tobin. Woo! Hold the bird in place. Hold the bird in place. Alicia, let's get to know us. All right. Oh, you're a little too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, too, Yeah, different city. So explain to people who aren't among the 40 to 50 people who sell out a show. It's a small place that you normally hold. When you sell it out, how many people go?

56 people. 56 people. Plus Abby. Plus Abby. Abby don't need no ticket. Explain to these people, the people who aren't among those 56 people, what is your show? It's a show where the audience draws a drawing with suggestions I make. So always a favorite animal,

almost always a favorite food, and often a favorite costume of sorts. Like last night's, the last show was favorite animal, your power costume, your favorite item of clothing. Oh, no. Oh, well, that's the end of Malaysia. And favorites now. You've gone and done done this yeah do you usually do a drawing i do yeah what's your favorite animal usually uh

octopus really easy to draw yeah do you remember when i used to go what my favorite animal always was grandpa elf oh yeah abby's grandpa what was the what was the one you did a suggestion one time and it yielded really... Strange results? Yeah, what was that? Your worst enemy. Draw your worst enemy. As your favorite animal. Yeah, basically.

It was so sad. Was there a lot of Hitler dogs? No, almost everybody said themselves. And then we just fell into this hole of self-loathing. Oh, wow. It was so hard to make it funny. I kept making eye contact with Chris, the gallery owner, and just like mouthing, I'm sorry, I didn't know what I did. Who's your worst enemy?

Hitler. Okay. I don't think I have one. I just have like, I'm the, I just, you know, when you're, if you're a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail. I guess people have said that if you have like a nemesis, that keeps you sharp. Yeah, I always have one in. Do you not have to name names, but who's your current nemesis? Oh, there's a couple.

Destro? Yeah, Destro. Mestro. Yeah. Destro. Mestro. Yeah. Destro. Chewbacca. Lobacca. Lobacca.

Who's your current nemesis? I can't say, but there's usually someone I've got a real hate on for. Yeah. Yeah. And how does it, like, does it keep you sharp? It keeps me sharp. It keeps me also unapproachable and very upset. Do you find it would make you, like, because you're sort of comparing yourself to this person,

you want to always outdo them or you want to see them dead? One, a really long-term one, was someone I just wanted to see fired. Oh. Yeah. Out of a cannon. I liked the idea of them

certainly not getting injured, but no longer existing in my sphere of influence. Like somebody that would just go away. Yeah, just go away. You are a garbage hat. You do nothing to improve stuff for people. So get the fuck out. Yeah.

What about a nemesis with benefits? Yeah, like somebody I would hate fuck? Oh, come on. Yeah. What about a nemesis with benefits? Yeah. Like somebody I would hate fuck. Oh, come on. Let's keep this PG. Hate. Sleep. Yeah.

Yeah. Hate. Hate doodah. I was remembering. Hate diddle. My brother. Hate blast. My brother is the one in my family who enforced the no swearing rule.

Yeah. And Graham knows this. And one time we were in the car together with my brother and we were talking about Marilyn Manson having a rib removed. Oh, yeah. And Graham said, oh, so he could kiss his own wiener. Yeah, I think that's as PG as you can get with that. Probably just removing one rib is only enough to kiss the wiener. Oh, yeah.

You probably need to take out more. You're sort of a healthcare professional. How many ribs do you recommend removing? To S a D? Your own? Yeah. All of them. If you want to ask somebody else a D, you don't have to remove any, do you?

Uh-oh. Oh, no. Oh, no. I always overcommit. I just want to be loved. Yeah, if you want that to happen, just take someone out for ribs. Yeah, that would be a... It's also always helpful to have a little lemon bowl next to your bed.

That would be a great Tinder profile shot. Just the scars where you're like, guess what? Guess who just came back from surgery? Annoying. I am too good at it. I had the doctor put some more in. Just rip them and make it harder. Yeah.

I like a chill. Speaking of Marilyn Manson, hit makers from the 90s. Okay. Red Hot Chili Peppers were here last night. For what reason? They were just hanging out. Going to Boston Pizza? Yeah, they went to Boston Pizza.

At an arena? Yeah. Because last time they were here, they played the president of Lululemon's house. Oh, really? Oh, God. He lives on the beach, and there were complaints all along the beach that people were... Chips singing Give It Away Now. Chip's not here to make friends, though.

That's one thing Chip Wilson... Alicia's on a first-name basis with... Guess who her nemesis is chip wilson's everything chip wilson so chip wilson like why how much do you pay for red hot chili peppers to come and just play your just your party i i guess and then you leave right away i guess private jet meet and greet probably yeah Yeah, probably a meet and greet. I think there's the, uh, something was published a couple of years ago of all the, you know,

big acts who would do something like that. Yeah. Who would do a private event and what it would cost them. What would it would cost you? And I think probably someone like the red hot chili peppers, maybe a quarter of a million dollars. Wow. I was,

that doesn't seem like a lot. For, for, for one, what? 10 song set, probably? Yeah, there's four peps. So that's, you know, less than a hundred grand each.

Yeah. That's true. Yeah, it doesn't seem that high, but I'm not a Red Hot Chili Peppers fan. No. Or a Chip Wilson fan. Who would you pay to perform on your porch? Paul Simon? Oh, yeah.

And what would you pay? What's he worth in your Simon? Oh, yeah. And what would you pay? What's he worth in your estimation? If I was rich? Yeah. So much money. So much money. Just whatever he's asking for. Yeah.

It was done. Because I feel like that's something if you're, you know, Middle Eastern royalty, it happens all the time. But we had like one rich guy hired one band once in Vancouver and we're talking about it forever. Who would you guys have? Huh? Marilyn Manson, probably not to play music. What would he be doing?

Well, you'd be showing me his tricks. I mean, I don't know if I had like unlimited money. I probably want to like get somebody who, who you couldn't like, who's retired or something like that. Like that. Take someone out of retirement.

Yeah. Like a Gene Hackman. Just have him come up and read his, read a monologue from death of a salesman. Um, that sounds like a terrible party. Yeah. If I was really rich,

I would reanimate the dead. Which one? I get Hendricks and Cobain and just have them jam out. Oh, yeah. But then when they were done, you'd kill them again. Well, yeah. I mean, you're not killing them. You're just the reanimation machine.

Time is money. Okay. And then up, you know, the 20, what is it? The 27 Club? It would be empty. Up there in heaven you know, the 20, what is it? The 27 club? It would be empty up there and, uh, up there in heaven. Yeah.

Uh, there in heaven. Do you think you're going to go to heaven? Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Well, uh,

if, uh, I'm going where all the dogs go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, dog heaven is,

uh, it's very small. When they say all dogs go to heaven, do they mean the same heaven as us? I don't know. I don't know. I've never seen that movie. I've never seen it.

Oh, yeah, me neither. It seems sad. Yeah, also, was there a sequel? I feel like there was an all dogs go to heaven 2. Really all dogs go to hell. Some dogs, if they're really bad. I think if I think I'm about to die, dress up as a dog. Just in case. Just in case.

Just in case. Yeah, I guess that is the only insurance. I mean, a lot of people will, you know, accept God into their hearts on their deathbed. For me, it's like, you know, give me a little mop top shaggy wig. So you recant being a human on your deathbed. Yeah, I recant. I'm the dog from the Odalite cover. Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. That's one of the, what'm the dog from the Odelay cover. Oh, yeah.

Oh, boy. That's one of the... What are the most famous 90s dogs? Odelay, Beck... Beethoven. Oh, good call. Oh, Eddie from Frasier.

Oh, yeah. Good dog. Really good dog. Marcel from Friends. Oh, yeah. Bad dog. Bad, bad. Scary hand dog.

Do you call monkeys hand dogs? Oh, scary. You know, it's the monkey from Outbreak. Outbreak, who cares? We get a question at work all the time. Yeah, it's a question over here. Do monkeys pick your coconuts? Okay, what do you do at work?

I sell coconut oil. Oh, I thought it was just like a slang thing, like is your fridge running or something? The first time someone asked me, I was like, are you serious? But who asks? Like, do people call in? Yeah, they call in and eventually it ends up on my desk because I manage the marketing for

the brand and they're like, oh my gosh, do monkeys pick our coconuts? We got another monkey question online. There's enough of them, yeah. But like, are they calling? Like, on the phone? They'll call or email. Settle a bet for me. Yeah, is that all it is?

Or are these people, I can't imagine getting like... That's all they know, that in some regions of the world, monkeys pick coconuts. But all I know is to be put on hold by a company and then transferred to somewhere else, I would only do that if it was of the utmost importance. You would think, but there's a lot of people that have a lot of time. I got a call the other day because somebody couldn't answer this man's questions, and I ended up on a phone call with a 71-year-old man who was going to blast his body with the master cleanse because he wanted to lose a little bit of fat.

And I was like, so you're just going to do a cleanse that could kill you. What's the Master Cleanse? Yeah, which one's the Master Cleanse? That's where you just drink lemon juice and water and maple syrup and cayenne pepper. Oh, that's what Beyonce did. Yeah. Well, Beyonce's in great shape. Yeah.

Well, this guy, probably a big Beyonce fan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 71-year-old man. Like you were like, I'll put you on hold. Would you like me to play for me? So, wait, wait. So, where did these people get this information about monkeys picking coconut? Is that a real thing?

It's a real thing. Do they pick coconuts commercially? There's a really good NPR article about it, which kind of shows both sides of the story. And, like, people are using them for commercial coconut? They train the way that you would train a service animal to. Really? To pick coconuts. And in most cases, it seems like it's a quite healthy relationship.

Like, of course, it's a wild animal that's then been domesticated. Yeah. But it's not like you're. They're fed really well. And you're not, it's not like you're testing cosmetics on them. Right. Yeah. That's the other thing that happens is that the people are just like get outraged about this one tiny thing.

When people call in and want to know about it, are they always on that side? Always anti monkeys picking coconuts? When they call about that? Yes, absolutely. No one's ever like, are monkeys picking these coconuts? Because if so, you can charge me 10 extra dollars. I think that's awesome. The thing they never ask are children picking those coconuts or, you know, what are the conditions like for humans?

So, you know. Yeah, but it's. Which is often not great in the coconut oil industry. Is that right? No. Also, what's the other one that people really, palm. Yeah, palm oil. Which I don't even know what palm oil is.

They probably eat a ton of it. It's in pretty much any candy. Oh, yeah. And it's almost. Oh, yeah. Then I definitely eat it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And a lot of like sort of standard cosmetics and most palm oil that's in cosmetics is conflict palm. So it's coming from a region of the world where orangutans have been driven to extinction. No. And violently so. Orangutans are the best. I had to do a ton of research and then was able to change all of our pom in our company to something that's... To pom wonderful.

Now, Graham. Yes. Why are we talking about this sad thing? I don't know. Yeah, let's go. I was fascinated by the... I thought it was just a couple of crazy people calling up and going, I've seen a cartoon where a monkey picked a coconut.

Is that how you get your coconuts? Well, it's not how we get our coconuts because our coconuts, where we get our coconut oil from, there are no monkeys. Now, in the movie Arachnophobia, how did the spider get to North America? Was it in bananas? Oh, was it in bananas or was it in coconuts? No, I think it was in a coffin. Oh, that movie is still scary. That movie is my favorite movie.

No, I think I could confidently say it's my favorite horror movie. Oh, yeah. What's your favorite horror movie? You've seen a lot. Like, it's not really a horror movie, but it's kind of more of a thriller, is Misery. Oh. Misery, I always thought, because it's so it's so

like, edge of your seat, exciting. Absolutely, it's a thriller. But it's also really funny. Like, Kathy Bates, I think maybe she did she win an Oscar for that? Uh-huh. Yeah. She's so, so good at it. What's your favorite horror movie? Guys,

I don't really watch horror movies. Yeah, me neither. That's why mine is a kids movie. Was Arachnophobia favorite horror movie? Guys, I don't really watch horror movies. Yeah, me neither. That's why mine is a kid's movie. Was Arachnophobia a kid's movie? Yeah. We have watched a few horror movies together in our friendship. I remember the last one that we tried to watch, and you made me turn it off one minute into the credits.

That was called Funny Games. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But it's because you saw there was a dog in the car and you were like, no, I can't watch it. The dog gets it. Yeah. There is a website now that will tell you if the dog dies. Yeah, I've heard about that.

That is a great idea for a website. It's the same. It's also so menacing. Like, right away knew within minutes that the whole family is going to get slaughtered and it's going to be awful. Oh, yeah. But it's a comedy of awful. Oh, yeah. It's a comedy of manners. Yes.

Yeah. I'm going to the Does the Dog Die website, and I'm going to look up All Dogs Go to Heaven. Marley and Me was on today when I was kind of tidying the house and taking Hank out for walks and stuff. Yeah. And I knew just on the second time I walked back into the house, it's around the time I think in the movie that the dog dies. And I was like, well, this is getting turned off.

So, yeah. Yes, the dog dies. In All Dogs Go to Heaven? Yeah, Charlie the dog. Is there a sequel? Or did I make that up? His nemesis, Carface the dog, dies as well. I bet you didn't know how he got that name.

Or is it Carface? I don't know. I've never seen this word. Carface? I don't know. I've never seen this word. Carface? Yeah, Carface. As a character for a dog in a movie?

Feels like a thing that dogs would name each other. Like, you're the dog that got hit by the car. You're Carface. You're Carface

for the rest of your life. You're Carface. You're both Carfaces. So, Alicia, speaking of dogs. Yes. You have a dog now? I have a puppy, yeah.

What is this dog? This dog is a miniature poodle. His name is Hank. Now, why a miniature poodle? Well, it was more to finding a person, a breeder that wasn't a puppy mill. And then, ideally, like. Making dog pick coconuts and such. A hypoallergenic dog that doesn't shed, that doesn't bark a lot. Now, Graham, you're allergic to everything. Yeah. This dog's hypoallergenic.

Yeah. Your thoughts? Still allergic. But you know what? That's the way the die was casted. I'm only going to be allowed to have lizard pets. So I'm going to have a Gila monster. Is that what they're called? Gila monsters? Gila and the bee? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A gila and the bee. Hank, he doesn't really walk so much as he bounces like a cartoon rabbit. Yep. And his eyes are very close together.

He looks like Alf. Yeah, he doesn't look like, when you look at his face, he doesn't quite look like a dog. No, and he has, because he's not full grown, his paws are really large and they have the same sort of, they're the same shape as a bear's paws. And he touches, he's very handsy. Yeah. He touches, like gets a lot of stuff done with his hands and it's really funny, but it's like these two very fluffy bear paws all over the place in the house. Yeah. He's great.

It's, uh, getting a puppy was a huge mistake. Why? It just rolled out in this like terrible timing. It's great. It's, uh, getting a puppy was a huge mistake. Why? It just rolled out in this like terrible timing. I thought I had it. I thought I had it all figured out and you know, I'm so good with animals and people call me Snow White. So I'm of course going to have this amazing. People call you Snow White? Yeah.

Because you're so skin, your skin is so pale, right? Yes. Yeah. And your hair is so dark. Yeah. And you can't. And I like birds. Is the apple Snow White? No, that's

Yeah, yeah. You love apples. I do love apples. Yeah, I just thought like I had a dog before, but I got him when he was about a year old. And how do you like them apples? I did like them apples. He's dead. Oh, no. So, yeah. We're going to get featured on that website now.

Oh, great. But you have never in your life had a puppy? I did when I was a child. So, you were crazy. It was crazy. And then my mom put the dog down. What? Yeah.

You can just do that? Yeah. The dog. So, I think that also I was very panicky about it, remembering as a kid coming home and the puppy was gone. I was like, oh, fuck. Someone's going to take my puppy from me. Why didn't she just give the puppy away? I don't know.

Now she heard about that heaven loophole. Yeah. Like, well, this is where you want to go anyway. I definitely had a bit of a panic over that. It took me, I didn't know why I was panicking about getting the puppy, but then I remembered that I had buried that somewhere in my heart. We had our dog as a kid. They sent our dog my parents sent it to live on a farm. I don't believe that. And then, well we believed it

and then a year later, the people who own the dog now on the farm were like, hey we're going out of town for a week, can you take care of the dog? So they really did send it telephone call. Oh, wow. That's a really nice twist. Yeah, right? What kind of dog was this? It was a cross between a lab and a cocker spaniel. And his name was Crosby because he was a cross between these two types of dogs.

Crosby tween these two types of dogs. That's a pretty yuppie dog name, isn't it? Crosby? Yeah. Yeah. I like it. It's dignified. Thank you.

Yeah. Now, so Hank's not, he's not a puppy puppy now. No, he's five months old now. Is he now, are you adjusting? Totally. Yeah. Yeah. It was just like first couple of weeks were rough. I caught that crazy flu that was going around.

I was sick. From Hank? And Hank was just a crazy like puppy and. But you didn't catch it from Hank. No, I caught it two days after I got Hank. Yeah. It was nuts. But I've had tons of friends help out.

Graham walks him during the days when I'm at work. And my friend Neil. If you call that walking. He does not like to walk. You have to give him 10 minutes to get started. The whole walk is 10 minutes. No. Get what I pay for.

Yeah. He went for a five kilometer walk the other day. What? He loved it. It's just as old animals, dogs have extremely, like they, they hear very well. So everything startles them or everything's something to be explored. So. Yeah.

When he's out in the woods, he can focus on. You took him out to the woods? Yeah. Ah. Yeah. Uh. It's scary. Yeah.

Was it scary woods? No, it was Burnaby Lake. Was it's scary yeah was it scary woods no it was bernie b lake was it a scary woods lane it does it is kind of creepy on your own archie it's where they shoot riverdale scary woods lane yeah oh it's where jason blossom drowned oh no yeah spoiler uh-huh that's the first scene yeah that's true um he's not going to heaven. I think he has got secrets. Oh, well. Yeah. That show's gone for a while and coming back. Oh, really?

It's like one of these. Oh, mid-season. Yeah. Is it good? It's the best show. It is the best show. Is Archie a real redhead? No.

So the drapes. But he's real ripped. Well, no, they tied it. They dyed everything equally. Yeah. So you see it all. Yeah. In the multiple scenes where Archie's naked.

As everyone knows, I like a redheaded man. Who's your top three redheads? Okay. David Caruso. Oh, you're asking Alicia? I don't know. They'd just be like men that I see in the world. How many famous redheaded men are there?

There's that guy from Game of Thrones that I like, too. Oh, yeah. Beardo from Game of Thrones. Grain of Thrones. Did you know that if you have, like me, if you don't have red hair but you can grow a red beard, that means that only one of your... That doesn't make sense. What? I don't know what you're saying.

What doesn't make sense? Only one of your... The jeans in you is redheaded? Well, I was born with red hair. I don't know anything about jeans. When I was born... It said Levi's 501. And when you were young, you had red hair?

Yeah, and my pubes are still red. So it's like black up top, but downtown is fire engine red. Who is this? What? I was telling a lie. I know. I didn't want to call you on it. I just wanted it to live on forever.

I was lying. Oh, I like the Sedin brothers. Oh, sure. Yeah. And is Conor McGregor, is he a redhead? Is he a blonde-o? I don't know. Is he the fighter. Yeah. And is Conor McGregor, is he a redhead? Is he a blondo? Is he the fighter? Yeah.

I don't know, but I think he's handsome. Yeah. Yeah. He may box Floyd Mayweather. That old man? No, he's not an old man. I don't really know any boxers' names. He was the guy who retired

undefeated and then Conor McGregor's really been lipping off did you say lipping off? yeah he's really been lipping off about fighting has he got an accent? yeah Conor McGregor? I don't know he's an Irish why do our UFC

like how does UFC work? Is there one champion for all of UFC? No, there's a weight division. What was that boxer's name? Colin Fairweather? Huh? Colin Fairweather?

Who's the boxer he's going to fight? Floyd Mayweather. Colin Harefeathers? Yeah. Now we're getting going. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Colin's not like a big popular boxer's name, I guess.

No, no, but you know. He could be. Floyd isn't a popular name among anyone. Yeah, Floyd. Floyd's nickname. What would a Floyd be? Floydo. Floydo is what I was thinking too.

His nickname is Money Big Money Mayweather because he's got lots of money. He can get so many ribs removed. What's Conor McGregor's nickname? The Irish The Irish dude.

The Irish put it inside of me. Oh no. Get up in that one. So, Alicia, you're on Tinder. That's what we gathered from before. Yeah. You were talking to someone on Tinder earlier? Well, I wasn't really talking to somebody on Tinder.

I just sent him a picture of a cat eating a pancake. I don't get it. Yeah. And where do you hope that leads? That he sends you a picture of a dog eating a pancake. I'm not good at this. Yeah, and where do you hope that leads? That he sends you a picture of a dog eating a roast? No, the same thing happened that happened the last time I messaged him. He didn't message me back. I'm not good at meeting people.

No, you're good at meeting people, but Tinder's not for meeting people. I want to meet a person that I would like to hang out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm so busy with things, and so sometimes I get lonely, and then I add Tinder back to my phone, and then I get a bunch of matches, and no one talks to each other, and then I'm good for a couple of weeks. But that's what happens. You make a match. Yeah. And then you ghost.

Because once you, it's all the hunt. So once you make a match with somebody, you're like, next. But why? Next hunt. Like, that's not a real hunt. No, it's not. If a lion is chasing a gazelle, are those animals from the same continent? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Do lion eats gazelle? Yeah. Would it be like, that's the one I would i would eat okay you can go on your way yeah and also the lion's doing it while sitting on a toilet looking at pictures of gazelles oh yeah that's a good one i hope that one agrees that i would eat it oh it does okay great. Well, let's go no further. Hunt. Hunt. That one agrees. I would like to be eaten by this lime. So I'm on Tinder, but I don't know how to use it.

No, but nobody does. Okay. I don't think anybody, I've never met anybody who was successful with it. Well, because before Tinder, there was Grindr. That's for gentle folks. Yeah. Yeah. Gentle folks.

Same-sex people. To gently insert themselves into bodies. And I think that was, I think from what I had heard, that resulted in many hookups. Yeah, it's a hookup app. And then, but is Tinder not a hookup app? That's debatable. Graham says yes. I think that's what it was originally

intended to be, but then a lot of people got on there and were like no hookups. The first that I'm trying to communicate with is no hookups. Yeah, in their bio. Well, then what's the point? We just want to chit chat? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just became another place to chit chat with this time with the strangers. And it's also easier than other dating websites like OkCupid where anyone can talk to you, which is very annoying. Hey, pretty, pretty. Totally.

Such pretty hair. Oh, yeah. Well, how rude of them to say that. Well, yeah, it's not rude, but it's sometimes weird. Send me a picture of a cat eating a pancake or something. Yeah, yeah. You got any memes? That I can do.

I'm not. Wait, did you take this picture? No, but there's. Oh, well, that's probably why he never wrote you back because you're, you know, you're using copyright material. That's true. Yeah, that's fair enough. This person's like, who took this photo? Who's this cat?

Yeah. Too many. Yeah. You've got to cite your sources. Yeah, he's like, this person has a dirt bag. You should take some photos of Hank eating different foods and then send those out. Well, he's not.

He's very hard to photograph. He's really difficult to photograph. He is. Like, because he's all black. Yeah. So you don't, whenever you send me a photo of him, he just looks like an Oreo that you've placed on a sheet or a black blur, like just a mop. Yeah, I call him the shape. Yeah.

The shape. Yeah. Yeah. Is that going to change? Are his eyes going to turn a different color? His eyes are so close together. Now that he's gotten a big haircut, he can see, and he's getting older and he has more expressions. You can see more expression in his face.

And yeah, so he's getting easier to photograph. Yeah. How long did it last for you telling him not to jump on the couch? He can't get up on his own. Still? No. He can, but he doesn't remember that he can. Right.

Same with the bed. But now that he's allowed on the bed, he barked at me this morning to get on the bed. He loves just sitting on the bed. Yeah. Who doesn't? Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That's where I'd be right now.

But he's turning into a dog, slowly but surely. Like he's just today, over the past couple of days, he's just decided to take a sit and lay down if he's tired instead of moving constantly yeah which is great yeah he's very active and then he i didn't know this because i don't remember having a puppy but like puppies like they lose their puppy teeth yeah and then they get adult i just thought they were born with a set of teeth that then grew so that's weird are you just like finding teeth everywhere i've only found one in your stool no dave why i'm just how would it get in there oh i don't know maybe hank we've been drinking out of the water toilet it's too small okay maybe Maybe he bit into one of your pancakes.

Okay. Okay. Yeah. That could happen. Before you happen along. So he doesn't drink out of the toilet yet, but eventually. I don't think he'll ever be big enough to drink out of the toilet. No, you got to hold him over the toilet and let him drink.

You need to get a smaller toilet. Is grandpa able to drink out of the toilet? I don't know. I guess not. I don't think so. He's going to be about the same size as grandpa, maybe a bit toilet. Is grandpa able to drink out of the toilet? I don't know. I don't, I guess not. I don't think so. He's not, he's going to be about the same size as grandpa, maybe a bit taller. Yeah. I, uh, that's weird.

I guess I never thought about that small dogs don't go to toilet. But you had small dogs growing up. Uh, no, no. Uh, the, the small dog that my parents got, that was after I moved out. Okay. In celebration. Yeah. It had a big bow on it, and it said, Graham's gone.

No, all the other dogs were big, and they all loved drinking, eating. Get a bar. They put in some boiled bag rice. I sous-vide something for you in the toilet. Yeah, and then you could go away for a whole weekend that way. Not bad. And you've had to go away, so you've had people taking care of Hank. He hasn't gone to a puppy mill.

Not yet. Yeah. Our friend Sally's looks after him when I'm, I'm, I'm away. She pets it and they have a great time. I think that he, he just loves Sally. I can tell in the pictures, like he adores her. Do you think that he would ever go to puppy camp? I don't know.

Learn how to canoe? Yeah, maybe. Like, which one are you referring to? Actual? No, no, no. I just am picturing. I don't know what a dog. I've never been to one.

Were you, like, obedience school? No. Or like a doggy daycare. A doggy daycare where you go away and they take care of your. We've done that with grandpa. Yeah. And he came back all fit. Fit as a fiddle.

Oh yeah. He came back ripped. It was like prison. Yeah. He came back and he was so. Yeah. Well, cause they. Protected really.

We were gone for like two weeks and they just run around all day. And I feel like grandpa was just probably being chased. Yeah. He's a very, very being chased. Yeah, probably. He's a very, very sweet dog. Yeah, dogs love to chase him. Would you do obedience school? We've gone to puppy classes and we've had a trainer come in and we have two more paid for visits with the trainer.

So, yeah, I needed, I didn't know what I was doing. What is he, because I haven't, I haven't road tested any of this training. What can he do? He can sit. He can come. He can stop eating stuff. If you tell him to drop it, if he eats something, he'll drop it. That has not been my experience.

You're not saying it right. My experience is that he will pick up something, say a bus ticket that he found on the ground. Yeah, that's the cutest. Yeah. Like he's going somewhere. say a bus ticket that he found on the ground. that's the cutest because it's like he's going somewhere.

He'll carry that for a block then he'll drop that and it'll pick up stick and then it'll pick up. He's gotten really good at finding bits of cat food

that have been dropped like little because I don't know how he finds it but he's really good at finding cat food. So the rule is that if it's organic

basically he can have it. Does he know the rule? No, but he will. Is this organic? Not organic. I mean, if it's a leaf or like a little bit of food, like if it's not chocolate, if it's like a crust of a bread, I don't fight him on it. Well, what's the policy if he finds a giant thing of saran wrap that maybe had a chicken sandwich in it? That's a drop it and he'll drop it.

Disagree. Well, you're saying it wrong. You're saying it wrong. How am I supposed to say it? You just tug his leash a bit and say drop it. Yeah, I did. He'll trade also. Are you showing him your teeth?

That's really funny. When I got him, people were like gotta dumb you gotta be the boss you gotta dominate him and he'd lose his fucking mind if i tried to if i like yelled or if i held him down when he's biting me he'd just get more aggressive oh cool yeah it was scary how are you supposed to dominate like like do you show your teeth do you bark at the dog there's yeah you're supposed to do all these like dumbesar and Milan things that don't work. Do you walk around naked to intimidate them? I don't let them see me naked.

Well, when's that going to happen? When's the big day? Ta-da! Or do you think he's maybe installing cameras? He's going to do an upskirt. are you guys done the upskirt challenge to benefit als yet uh yeah i don't know i feel like by the time it came around to me it was already done sort of played out yeah uh what do you think's gonna be the next oh the next uh well okay there was the ice bucket challenge yeah and then it was just like, you know, planking for Parkinson's or something.

I remember whatever happened the next year was much less viral. Yeah. Although it was for viral meningitis, so it should have been. Yeah, it was cough in the kid's face for viral meningitis. Yeah, it was something for Zika. Yeah. Because I was very hot for a short amount of time. Yeah, people often talk about it.

I'm hot for Zika. Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad. Oh, no, I'm pregnant. Oh, boy. Oh, Alicia. Well. We were having a fun time talking about a virus. The problem was Zika.

Yeah. I got my pencil. Give me something to write on. In Hot for Teacher, is that a penis euphemism? I've got my pencil. What is the second part? Give me something to write on? No.

I mean, I've got my pencil. Well, give me something to write on. I could see it being gross. Okay, cool. Yeah, I could see it. But they're not talking about going into a sharpener. No, sure. Well, give me something to write on. I could see it being gross. Okay, cool. Yeah, I could see it. But they're not talking about going into a sharpener. No, sure. Or even three-hole punch.

You know, kind of go in and out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does anybody use three-hole punch anything anymore? Of course. Kids have binders. I guess kids still have binders. They happen at work. Yeah. I always think if have binders. They have them at work. Yeah. I always think if I ever leave this place, I'm going to take that. The three hole punch?

Yeah. Do you have binders at home you need? No, I don't know why. I think it's because it's a nice color. Yeah. I like my sort of industrial office stuff. Like I'd love to have like an old industrial metal desk. Yeah.

Something nice about them. Yeah. But yeah, three hole punch is like kind of, remember one hole punches. Yeah. Something nice about them. Yeah. But, yeah, three-hole punch is like kind of... Remember one-hole punches? Yeah. What was the point?

Yeah. Or two-hole? Yeah, two-hole. That's for like legal documents. Yeah. I remember growing up we had a two-hole punch

and you'd have to do two and then... Oh, really? Square the third one? Yeah. Very useless. One-hole punch, I feel like, serves third one. Yeah. Very useless. One hole punch I feel like serves a purpose. Yeah.

You can make confetti. Oh, yeah. That was always a red letter day when you peeled off the bottom of the... Or there were ones that were shaped like a heart. Oh, yeah. For stamping and stuff. Yeah.

Those are cool. Those are rad. That is just for making confetti isn't it or no is it just like if you're a fun teacher yeah yeah yeah oh man being a fun teacher would be fun for a day i think i would be i'd like to be a mean teacher yeah like mean the kind everyone hates they're real hard ass yeah but all a heart hole punch just to really put throw the kids off my scent. Really send them some mixed messages. Would you, like during a presentation, would you pretend you were sleeping? What would you do that would be like a mean teacher thing?

That's not a mean teacher. No, like, yeah, like if it was like, okay, give us your history lecture. Oh, no, just like, you know, don't accept you know late work oh okay just strict yeah strict real you know smoking in class yeah uh cigarettes rolled up under my t-shirt would you dress like a rockabilly yeah yeah i mean more so i guess more than i already do i've seen you slide that way recently well i got ever since I got that stand-up bass I've just been carting it around town You've got a tattoo of Woody Woodpecker, maybe

On fire or something, or driving a hot rod Flame shoes, some sort of flame Oh boy, some kind of flame shoes Flame tats all up my legs Yeah, dice, fuzzy dice Dave, if you got a tattoo, what would you get? some sort of flame oh boy some kind of flame flame tats all up my legs yeah dice fuzzy dice uh huh Dave if you got a tattoo

what would you get what would I get um like my serious answer yeah uh the guy from ween right the guy from ween

probably oh like their logo yeah oh yeah the lead singer of weed. Big, big, like, forearm tattoo.

I would probably get Calvin peeing on the Red Hot Chili Peppers. The band or the logo? No, just the actual produce. You? You have tats. You're with tats? I have tattoos. Yeah.

I'm thinking about getting a pancake tattoo. Uh-huh. And putting it on your boobs and then sending a picture of it to a guy.

Eat this. Put on a cat costume. No, no, no. I would not. So what, you mean like an aerial view of a pancake? So just a circle?

No, like a stack of pancakes? Yeah. Yeah. I really like Connor Holler's hamburger tattoo. Yeah. Oh, I haven't seen it. Was that one that he just, that he got on a dare? No, I think that was well thought out.

Yeah, yeah. Cam McLeod had one that he got on a dare, but then turned into a sloth. Oh, no, he got a Celtic band on his leg. And then a sloth added to it, hanging off the Celtic band. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Who's your favorite Celtic band? Mine's the Irish Rovers.

Yeah, that's a really good choice. The Chieftains, I guess? Yeah. Damn it! I had a real Chieftain's phase in the 90s What were they about? They were just Celtic? Yeah, they were just an Irish band

Sinead O'Connor sang with them I was a Sinead O'Connor fan They had lyrics? Yep, they sang like old Irish songs Yeah I like that kind of music Yeah, sure I remember

I liked a Lorena McKennett Oh, yeah As well She had real frizzy hair Yeah She a fiddler? I don't think she She's just a vocalist

Who was the fiddler That was like really Ashley McIsaac? It was in that same era But it was a lady Oh A lady Fiddler

Vanessa May Maybe She was a The violinist But I wouldn't call her a fiddler. No, there was a lady fiddler that everybody was really... Like Celtic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And people were very excited.

On the heels of Ashley MacIsaac mania. Oh, blonde hair? Maybe, yeah. Yeah. Because she's Canadian. Yeah, Canadian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember her too.

Yeah, we remember her. We all know. It's all... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember her too. Yeah, we remember her. We all know. It's all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We remember her. We learn. Well, should we talk a bit about Max Fun Drive? Yeah, let's do that. Guys, it's Max Fun Drive time.

Yay! Yeah. And this is the one time of year where we take a break from talking about dogs and fiddlers. This is the one time of year where we take a break from talking about dogs and fiddlers. And we stop and we think about the podcast that means so much to us. Yeah. And how we can support these shows. Money.

That's the answer. Yeah, money is the answer. Absolutely. It's like money helps people buy things. Yeah, that's true. I can't name the number of times that I've tried to buy things without money and how I've just been laughed out of establishments, universities. And speaking of laughs, we've given you so many. Oh, my God. Don't even try to count them.

Yeah. So every year we take two weeks. This is week two. We call it the Max Fun Drive. All of the shows across the Maximum Fun Network are supported by your donations. Yeah. And they go towards things like microphones. And, you know, your editing equipment. Your hosting fees.

We like to give our guests a little bit. A little bit of... A little dash. A little bit of scratch. Yeah. They sure do. And basically, if you've ever thought about becoming a MaxFun donor, now is the time. And it's very easy. You just go to MaximumFun.org, click on Donate, and you select the level that's right for you.

There's different per month levels. Say $5 a month, $10 a month, $20, $35, $100, $200. These are levels. Yeah. Yeah, and if you donate, not only do you feel good because you're supporting a thing that you like so that it can continue, but you get stuff. You get, depending on the level. We'll go through. We'll go through the prizes in the next break. But what you do, you go to MaximumFun.org, you click on donate, you fill out a little bit of information about yourself.

Yeah. Where the money's coming from. Follow the money.org. You click on donate. You fill out a little bit of information about yourself. Yeah. Where the money's coming from. Follow the money. Yeah. You pick the shows you listen to because only the shows you listen to will get your donation. That's how, yeah, that's how it works.

Uh, so you don't need to worry about, there's so many shows on the network. You don't need to worry that we're, we're splitting our money with, you know, some galoot doing their alt-right podcast. There's a lot of alt-right ones on this, the Pepe Tower.

You pick the podcast you listen to and then you just, you know, you just enjoy. Yeah. Because think about it in terms of like a Netflix. What do you spend on Netflix a month? How much Netflix do you watch? I'm paying $40 a month for Netflix. You need to go to my guy. Oh, do you have a Netflix guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who is he? Peter. Kevin Spacey. But yeah, if you do want to donate, now really is the time. But let me finish that thought. Oh, sorry. You listen to a lot of podcasts, probably more than you watch

Netflix. There, I went there. You went there, you did it. So you balance that out in your own money chart. Look into your heart and do the right thing. Yeah, there you go. I do it. Thanks, Alicia. I got a kerchief. Yeah, that was last year's,

one of last year's prizes. Yeah. This year we got some nice enamel pins. Whoa. You could put that kerchief on Hank. Bet he would look real nice. I bet he will. Yeah. I'll take a picture.

Oh, yeah. Send it to you guys. That's fun. He's black and I don't know, like navy and black together. Really? Do you think it, is it a never or is it a sometimes? It's a sometimes. Okay.

They have to be right. Yeah, I understand. Do we want to, do we move, I understand. Do we want to, do we move back into the show or do we want to move on to overheards or what do we want to do? Back into the show.

Okay, all right. Dave, what's going on with you? Well, speaking of dogs, my dog. Oh, yes. At the time this is coming out or the time we were recording this, Grandpa is 12 years old.

Yeah. He is, he's always been the best dog in the world. Yeah, yeah. is coming out, or the time we were recording this, Grandpa is 12 years old. He is, he's always been the best dog in the world. He's the nicest, the cuddliest guy. But a real handsome gentleman. And a couple weeks ago, or a couple years ago, we took him for his annual check-in, check-up. And they were like, I think he's starting to

develop some cataracts. Oh yeah, I remember. And we were like, alright, well think he's starting to develop some cataracts. Oh, yeah, I remember. And we were like, all right, well, it's fine. We'll just get him the large print newspaper. The large print newspaper toy? Yeah. We'll have to teach him how to make the text bigger on his iPad. On his Kindle.

And then his vision was fine for a while and then his hearing actually just started going yeah and so now he's like we can't really walk him off leash anymore because he won't he can't see us or hear us call for him but he uh so like last summer that's when I sort of realized, oh, he'll just walk off the curb into traffic. Right. Because he's dumb and can't hear me. Yeah, he's also, like, it's, but that isn't, his dumbness

level hasn't increased. No, he's still dumb, but he now just doesn't hear me or see me. Right. So, let's, he's a leash dog now, as he always, mostly has been. But, and's a leash dog now, uh, as he always mostly has been. But, and then a couple of weeks ago, we started noticing that his eye, one of his eyes was getting really cloudy, really fast. So we took him to the vet and they referred us to this special eye, dog eye doctor out in the suburbs.

And so we went there. Dogtometrists. We went there and they were like, well, I think he has glaucoma. So they gave him a bunch of weed. Oh, cool. Is that why he's been so mellow? He's been so iry. Yeah. It's weird because I came over and you were playing Pink Floyd.

You were syncing it up with the Whisperer. Well, no, he was syncing it up with All Dogs Go to Heaven. But that version of Dark Side of the Moon that's all dog barks. Woof, woof. Is there anybody? Woof, woof.

Yeah. Meow, meow, meow. Uh-oh, it's Cat. I wish I knew that song. Do you? No. Oh, do I wish, really? No, do you not know it?

No. It's the one that goes, hello, hello, hello. Is there anybody in there, dog? You don't know it? No, I didn't really. Pink Floyd, I didn't really. I mean, either, but it's- I think it's one of the only songs of Pink Floyd I know.

Yeah, I only know it because it was on the radio, on Classic Rock Radio all the time. I only know The Wall, and maybe that's it. You know Wish You Were Here. Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And there's something with you. You know Money.

Money, I know. Yeah. Yeah, you know a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a huge Pink Floyd fan. But I think in Hello, Is is there anybody in there that's that part of uh wizard of oz so when she's looking in the fridge the famous fridge you know what i know i know where her and the scarecrow make love and he takes different things yeah it doesn't happen. Yeah, it does. Oh, she found that upsetting.

You don't think? You don't think that her and the Scarecrow did it? That's the subtext of the whole movie. Yeah. Scarecrow, I'll miss you the most. Liam just did a blowjob face. He did it. Anyway, so the dog.

It was crazy. We've been going to this eye doctor and then they give us, you know, drops and medicine and it wasn't working. And they're like, well, we might have to take his eye out. What? And we were like, that's fine. Yeah. Can I have his eye? I wonder what.

Yeah. You put it in like lucite or something like that. It's pretty gross. But they kept saying like, oh, you know what? We're not sure about it, but I think ultimately we'll probably end up having to take out his eye. Right. But then we would go back and they would give us more drops and monitor it

again. But they would always say, oh, you know what? We're probably eventually... But we were game for this the whole time. We're like, take it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, let's just. He's blind in it.

He doesn't need it anymore. It's hurting him. Yeah. Let's take it out while he's still young enough to enjoy life after. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kind of feel like they're wasting your time. Yeah.

Or like. Because. I'm sure the intention wasn't that, but I can see how. I think that. You know that. Yeah. Or like, cause. I'm sure the intention wasn't that, but I can see how, you know, that. I think that they assumed we would be. Devastated. Devastated by it.

Cause his eyes have always been so beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Yeah. But now you can use that socket to hold goldfish or Margo. I think they sew it shut. Although I would be interested in.

Oh, so yeah, that's what we're going to end up doing. Can you get like, you know how you can get fake testicles for your dog? Is there a glass eyeball? No, you can put a fake testicle in his eyeball. It would be very charming to have grandpa have a glass eye that was just always kind of. Or an iPad.

An iPad. An iPad. It really suits an iPad. Yeah. Oh boy. This is a lot. But you knew about this going in, didn't you? Or an iPad. An iPad. An iPad. It really suits an iPad. Yeah. Oh, boy. This is a lot. But you knew about this going in, didn't you?

I knew. And I try not to think about it because you, everyone knows that I cry a lot. Oh, okay. Yeah. So. But I think it's. It's for the best. Because he's, yeah, he is healthy otherwise.

And so let's, it's a relatively cheap surgery. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the buildup wasn't, I bet, though. No, exactly. Like, here's $300 worth of eye drops for you.

Just keep milking you for those. Also, the eye drops are really milky. Oh. That's nice. My vet for Hank has like this

very intense customer service program where they call me to remind me to come in for appointments and they email to remind me to come in for appointments and he doesn't really need to go in again right now. So I find it annoying. Cause I'm like,

every time I go in and it's at least $150. So it's just stresses me out. They're like, Hey, it's time for Hank's rabies shot. I'm like, well, he doesn't really need it yet.

So can we, he doesn't even have rabies yet. That's how I feel about dentists. Is that you only go when you're in intense pain? Well, now that I don't have dental insurance, please donate to Max Fund Drive.

But when I used to have dental insurance, they were like, you know what? Instead of every six months, you should come back every four months. I were like, you know what? Instead of every six months, you should come back every four months. Oh, really guys? My dentist is not like that because I, I don't have any problems with my teeth.

Like I just got lucky in that department. So he's like, you can come back every year, which is great. Yeah. I have to go every six months. Ugh. Ugh.

Ugh. Ugh. Yeah. Ugh. Well, I hope, uh, yeah, if it happens that it's a painless procedure. I'm sure it's, you know, they knock him out. Has he ever had surgery outside of being neutered?

No. No, I think they've like. Because he had some shoulder problems. Well, they did have to like knock him out to clean his teeth once or something. Okay. Oh, man, that would be so nice. I know, right? Just being knocked out and then you wake up, your teeth are all smooth.

But your gums are killing you? And I'd like it if they kept me out the extra hour that you're not allowed to eat after the fluoride treatment. Oh, you know what I mean? So you wake up and just have a snack right away. In fact, that's how I would like to be woken up. I want to wake up with a turkey leg in my mouth. So yeah, check my Instagram. For a picture of if they're going to sew it up nice.

I'm sure he'll be fine. So that's happening this week? Yeah. How long does he have to stay in the dog hospital? Well, like the

same day. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I was kind of surprised that it was there. Well, it's just, it's like,

they just get the melon baller out. It's literally, I'm sure there's a funny doctor in the back who goes, I don't like this but it's like

they're literally removing a ball from his body he's had this done before yeah they just put him they just turn him around on the table okay this is easy I remember that but the I mean this wasn't an option because he was already his eye was already too far gone.

But to repair a dog's cataract is $4,000. Holy. I wonder how much it is on a human. Probably not that much more. It would be covered by health insurance. But, you know. Under Trump. Yeah.

Oh, my gosh. I wonder, like, how much stuff a veterinarian can do not legally of course to a human to a human yeah like how much is the same probably quite a bit yeah like you would that knocking you out and cleaning your teeth thing is is as good a vet service as possible yeah yeah yeah that's uh and the toothpaste is beef And the toothpaste is beef flavored. The toothpaste is beef flavored. Every year he gets his annual shots or every two years. And one of them goes in through his nose. Oh, wow. That would be the worst.

I think that would be the worst. The actual needle goes in through his nose? No, no, no. They like hold his head back, keep his mouth shut, and then just have this liquid. I think that's the kennel cough one or something yeah but could i get treated for kennel cough yes yeah all those things that can be done that's pretty good that's pretty good i know that there's people that take like fish medicine and stuff like that i've heard fish medicine fish medicine yeah yeah yeah what do you mean like like like what medicine would you ever give a fish you know the best medicine for a fish is aquarium cough

oh if a fish could come you mean that would be the worst if you were trying to sleep in a fish in your room was just so alicia yeah yeah um no do you think when graham said fish medicine he means that people sometimes take fish oil i think so i think so because he doesn't know anything about that no there was an article and you know that a lot of fish oil is derived from monkeys picking fish yeah they don't pick fish. They grab them. Yeah. Anyways, we wish Grandpa the best. Yeah. And a speedy recovery.

And you know that we are both here to help out. Yeah. Thank you. Which you will most likely not accept, but we'll still force it. Uh-huh. Yeah. And we won't body shame Grandpa. Oh, you know what?

I'll wear an eyepatch in solidarity. Okay. Yeah. All the kids in his school will. His friends always try to wear an eye patch yeah yeah you have one yeah if they told me one of my eyes had to go i'd get over it a real quick you would not that's so crazy stop talking why you need both of your eyes you have perfect vision you have no idea how oh you wanted to donate an eye, didn't you? To Stevie Wonder? Oh my God. Yeah, because you can do that, can't you?

Not while you're alive. We have this discussion. No, I'm sure that you can. It's my choice. Oh, I forgot this, Dave. Why did you remind me? Thanks for reminding me. In solidarity with Grandpa, I had a vasectomy after he was neutered. Oh, that's nice of you. Wait. Yeah. Well, wait a minute. Margo and Poppy came along long after that. He put it on ice next to his fish medicine. One drop for you, one drop for me.

Oh, my fish got so mighty and strong. But if this is the, then what have I been? My daughter, Dory and Nemo. Glub, glub, glub. Oh no, aquarium cough. This is stupid. Graham, what's going on with you? Last weekend I was doing a show. Uh-huh. I was opening for a very popular comedian named Sebastian Maniscalco.

Uh-huh. I've heard of him. Yeah. I had heard of him. I had not seen his act. Funny guy. And I sold out two shows at the old Vogue Theater. Wow.

And then when I was done, I walked out of the Vogue Theater, which is on Granville Street, which is the big entertainment district. Yeah, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs And guys are wearing shirts and taxis are dropping people off to go to clubs. Clubs. Clubs. Clubs. Clubs.

Clubs. I could have done that all day. When I walked out of the theater, apparently it was a hockey game had gone on that night. And also something called the Rugby Sevens. Oh, yeah. I was downtown that day. Good lord. That's a that day. Good Lord. That's a lot of people

with anger. It was. I, well, I didn't understand what was going on because I guess people at these rugby games

dress up in crazy costumes. Like what? Well, it's, it's, like Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, yeah. Like Abraham Lincoln. I saw these guys

dressed as like the, the knights who say knee. Yeah, yeah. I like Abraham Lincoln. I saw these guys dressed as like the knights who say knee. Yeah, yeah. Like that guy. I thought it was the first one that I saw, I thought it was a bachelor party because they were all wearing like those crazy troll wigs. It actually does seem like a kind of a fun event because it's, I think it's seven minutes. It's the rugby sevens are two teams of seven players and it's only seven minute halves. So they, and they play like, you know, 20 games a day. So they just rotate the teams out.

Yeah. I bet you it's really all over the world. Yeah. Like it seems like it would be really fun to be in the place where it's happening, but it's, it starts at nine 30 in the morning and goes to like eight at night. And these people had been drinking since. Whoa. So I've never seen that many cops out on that street because it's what they kind of do.

Bad boys, bad boys. What you gonna do? What you gonna do? And you know those words. On Friday and Saturday night, they just kind of, uh, pen in, uh, gravel street, and no cars can drive on it, and then there's just cops, posted everywhere,

but it was, it was quadruple the number of cops, and just, I mean, the vomit was flowing, like wine, it was people, that was the thing,

then your song that was missing, is there's always barf, bad boys, bad boys, time to do a barf, everybody's barfing on the street for you, oh, you mean the clubs, club, club, yeah, yeah, so it was a lotf. Everybody's barfing on the street for you. Oh, you mean the clubs?

Barf boys. Barf boys. Yeah. So it was a lot of that. And there was somebody tagged, I think, myself and you and Alicia in a tweet from a guy who I guess is a writer with the Pittsburgh Penguins who was in town that night. And I guess the last time he had been in town was maybe during the Olympics or something. And he saw somebody getting beaten up.

And that was his idea of what Vancouver was. For sure. But I was like, anybody who saw Vancouver that night would also come away with that. But also, stay out. If you don't like it, go out. Go back to your steel town. Yeah. Go back to beautiful Pittsburgh.

Granville Street on the weekends is a very specific kind of thing that's happening. And we all don't go down there unless we have an event. And even then. Because it's young. There's a lot of drinking. It's just that small part of Vancouver. But that I'm used to, the kind of average going out, but then you quadruple it and quintuple it with rugby. And then costumes as well. I feel like people are very, they're in disguise.

They're very unencumbered. And yet they are encumbered. They're uninhibited, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're encumbered by this, you know, Optimus Prime costume they're wearing. It's now covered in puke. Puking out his, you know, tailpipe. That's not puke, brother.

Hey, man. You think that's puke? To quote Optimus Prime. That's not puke, brother. Oh, boy. Those movies are good. They're great. Have you seen any of the Transformators movie?

No. Not even the latest one? No, I've never seen any of the Serious Sevens movies. The Rugby Sevens? The Furious? Fast and the Furious? Not the Serious Seven. these this is the rugby sevens the furious fast and the furious i haven't seen a lot of movies like that no well they're getting really good yeah yeah you should see the next transformers one we should all go together yeah we'll all go to the next

why not because you guys never want to go see movies. That's true. Yeah, but I want to go see that one. Okay. Yeah. And it would be fun to drop you into the series seven movies in and see if you can make heads or tails. Oh, yeah.

They're so serious this time around. This time it's personal. This time I have a tailpipe, et cetera, et cetera. Do we want to move on to a bit of Max Fun Drive talk before we move on to Overheard? Yes, man. Listeners. Guys.

Gals. Everybody. Everybody. It is Max Fun Drive. It's Max Fun Drive. You go to the clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs. You do Max Fun Drive. It's Max Fun Drive. You go to the clubs, clubs, clubs, clubs. You do Max Fun Drive. You donate money to the cause that we are talking about.

We're not talking about Bill Cosby, the cause. We're talking about ourselves, the cause. Hey, hey. Oh, everybody. And start. So here's the thing. We told you in the first break. Uh-oh.

Is Conor McGregor here? Yeah. Give me money and I'll fight anybody. The you get when you donate, not only do you get this feeling deep inside that you're doing the right thing. And that you're becoming a grown-up. Yeah. Yeah. Hair where there was no hair before, et cetera.

Itches where there was no hair before. Itches. Itches where there were no itches. Itches where there were no snitches. Yeah. Yeah. Snitches get itches. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, if they sleep on a wool blanket. You also get pledge gifts at different levels of monthly donation. And we should say that these gifts are for new donors, upgrading donors, and only people that are monthly donors.

Yeah. And not people, if you donate one eyeball, that is not part of it. That helps nobody? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Even if you have it in a nice lucite case and it follows you no matter where you go in the room.

Look, we've always said this. In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. Yeah, that's right. That's right. And one-eyed jacks are wild. And the house always wins. Yeah. Eyes on the prize.

And speaking of prizes, well, we call them pledge gifts. Yeah. At every monthly donor level, you get these pledge gifts. The $5 per month level, you get exclusive bonus content. Every year, we do bonus episodes. Episodes. Every show on Maximum Fun does bonus episodes. Every show on Maximum Fun does bonus episodes. So there's, you know, dozens of hours of bonus episodes of Maximum Fun shows.

And these, if you donate at the $5 per month, you get this year's bonus episode and all the past years. Every year. So I think our first one was 2011. Yeah. And we've done, this year we did it. We watched music videos together. It was a lot of fun.

One year we played Trivial Pursuit. Yes, that was hard. With Alicia Tobin. Yeah. One year, last year we did, we wrote a song. It was our debut album pilot episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's all that.

And actually, if you're not a new and upgrading donor you've you've donated in the past you still donate but you're not going to upgrade this year you still get the the exclusive bonus content yeah uh so that's uh uh then at ten dollars per month oh boy this is the guy yeah you get all the uh exclusive bonus content. But this year, a woman named Megan Lynn Cott has designed... 20? 28. 28 different enamel pins. One for every Maximum Fun show.

Wow. You get to pick your favorite. It's this one. Yeah. It's our pin is a red flannel shirt because we are the, we're sort of the grunge show. Yeah. We also like to, we stay warm. Yeah.

We're grungy. We like, we, you know, we're alt-rock. We're like the alt-rock grunge podcast of the network. Here we are now entertainers. Yeah. We're sort of, entertain us. Oh, right. I retrofitted it for Ari.

That's true. Yeah. Yes. But, you know, whatever show you're into, you can have their pin. This is the one you want, though. Yeah, and it is.

It's very handsome. And then at the $20 per month level, you get the exclusive Boner content. Boner content? Yeah, you get the... And believe me, you're going to like it. You get the $10 per month

level. You get the pin. Yeah. And you get the keep in touch kit. That's the $20 per month. At the $20, sorry. So $20 a month,

I'm going to get keep in touch kit? Yeah. What is it? It's a... Oh, very good. Yeah, man. Real nice. What do you call that when you have someone in the audience? Oh, yeah. A plant.

A plant, yeah. You seem like a pretty smart young lady. You get nine custom note cards. Okay. Plus envelopes. There are three encouraging designs designed by Brian Sunny D. Fernandez

What what You get a four color rocket pen Oh You know You got your red Your black Your green Probably blue

You get a getting there rocket stamp Nice So you can stamp all your correspondence You get a rocket shaped candle smells like a freshly sharpened pencil is that a rocket yeah I mean absolutely that's you know the boner

content and this is meant to inspire your your correspondences you're keeping in touch yeah which is a nice thing to do. It's always nice to get a letter. Yeah.

Except if it's from the government. Or any of your many debtors. Or creditors. Yeah. Or those people that you wrote a couple letters to in prison. And then they just keep sending you letters and letters. Right, guys? Yeah.

Yeah. And then it's like, you know, send me a file and then it's like you know send me a file bacon and a cake mail me a cake peel me a grape it'd be 35 per month level oh guys you get everything we just talked about the pin the content the. Plus, you get a pair of rocket engraved beer mugs. Oh, wow. Yeah, they're nice, eh? Yeah. They look nice.

Frosty. Yeah. They look frosty. Yeah, you can keep them in the freezer and then you take them out of there. Oh, they get all frosty. Yeah, they get all frosty. But you know, you could have a beer out of this. You could have a root beer out of this.

A ginger ale. Dave's they get all frosty. But you know, you can have a beer out of this. You can have a root beer out of this. A ginger ale. Dave's drinking green beer right now. Yeah, in celebration of Godzilla. Yeah, Godzilla and alligators. Oh, yes. He loves alligators. At $100 per month, you get membership in the Inner Circle, our monthly culture

club, where every month you get sent a book or a movie or an album or something chosen from the tastemakers here at Max Fun. Did they ask you guys for help with that or nah? We did. Oh, yeah. Oh, really?

We've done it before, yeah. I'm surprised. We've done a couple. We're cultured. We're cultured vultures. Yeah, we're cultured vultures. We're cultured vultures. And if you have, you know, $200 a month kicking around and you want to become a $200 per month donor.

You get everything mentioned up until then. You get the inner circle. You get the mugs. You get the pin. You get the correspondence kit. You get the bonus content. Plus, you get free registration for MaxFunCon 2018. And that is a good, fun weekend. I'm talking s'mores.

I'm talking drinks. I'm talking lunch. You've never had a s'mores? No. One of these days. I gotta get one. Yeah. You deserve it.

You deserve a s'mores today. I think I would like that. Yeah. You would love. You would love. I can't believe you've never had a s'mores.. I think I would like that. Yeah. You would love. You would love. I can't believe you never had a s'more. Yeah, it's just not. I didn't camp.

Yeah, I guess that is the only place they happen, really. I mean, Pop-Tarts makes a good s'more. That's not true. A s'more analog. They do. It's all self-contained, so your hands don't get sticky. Yeah. So, if you would like to,

if this is the year you want to step up and become a MaxFun donor or you want to upgrade, head over to MaximumFun.org. Click on Donate and select the membership level that is right for you. You give your credit card,

some other basic information. Passwords, etc. I don't know if it's passwords. Passwords, safe words. Oh, yeah. Write us in your safe words. The Max Fund shows you listen to, so you know where your donation is going.

And voila, you're a member. It'll process automatically each month. You don't have to do anything unless your credit card changes. If you're thinking of becoming a donor member, now is the time. Go to MaximumFun.org. Click on Donate.

Our goal this year is to get 10,000 new and upgrading donors across the network. You can be one of them. Yeah. And, you know, thanks for listening. Thanks for supporting. Do it now while it's on your mind. Overheard.

Overheard. Overheard. Overheard. Segment in which we hear them things out there in the world. Then we share them here on the podcast. Alicia, you know how this goes. Yesterday, I work in sort of an industrial park where it would be unusual for a salesperson or someone to just show up at the office. But when it does happen, someone shows up, even a Purolator person or a UPS person. I often don't know where they're looking for, like what office or so on.

And once we had a man come in just looking for work, but for the most part, no one comes into the office. And if they do, they get a really varying degree of service when they come come in one person won't make eye contact with any stranger that comes into the office and it's really interesting and it's you no i'm always really helpful but i just yesterday when i saw this guy coming through the door i was like i'm out i'm not taking this one i'm like no no i'm not doing this so this guy comes in he has a small handful of calendars he's like i've got and he has a small handful of calendars. He's like, I've got, and he had a funny voice, which I can't do. He's like, I've got.

Hey man, I got small calendars, man. Calendars. Calendars for sale. More like Dave's. Okay. Oh, we're doing the same voice, man. I'm a culture vulture. So I'm looking at my computer, trying not to make eye contact with him.

He's wearing like a Bulls windbreaker. Go Bulls. Yeah, go Bulls. And he's got a couple of earrings and he's a man in his 40s. And he's like, hey, I've got some free calendars for you guys. And I'm thinking it's fucking the middle of March. So I'm already like, what does he want to sell us? Cool, just leave them there.

Bye. I mean, they're free, right? But someone engaged with him. So I was just out of the corner of my eye he's like oh this is my pug and I look over and he has a pug a tiny like full grown pug sticking out of his jacket nice

she must be like somehow sitting on like his belt or something like she's balanced in there she's zipped in he's like yo this is my pug her name's J-Lo you know why I call her J-Lo is my pug. Her name's J-Lo. You know why I call her J-Lo? She's got the same butt as J-Lo. You just put her down on the ground,

she wiggles. Zach's same butt as J-Lo. She's got the same ass. And then that was it. He's like, thanks, guys. Enjoy your calendars. And they left. That's harmless. And then you looked at the calendar, it's all just pictures of the pug. enjoy your calendars and they left oh okay yeah that's harmless yeah so weird and then you looked

at the calendar it's all just pictures of the pug and it's juicy juicy butt um well yeah this is really weird

to name your dog J-Lo yeah and then like J-Lo's thing is it really her butt well yeah yeah

oh yeah for a long time like J-Lo was she was synonymous with butt. Yeah. Yeah, that's true. I mean... Who's the big...

Well, I mean, Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian. Yeah, I feel like... But this dog must predate Kim Kardashian. That's true. Or maybe this guy just wasn't hip to Kim Kardashian at the time he got the dog. Also, there was... What's her name?

Ice-T's... Oh, Coco. Coco. But this guy's too mainstream. This guy doesn't know Deep cuts like Coco Yeah fair enough He's going around

Office parks Hanging out Free calendars He's not You know He's not following At next level Is that what

Ice-T's Account is Next level Yeah Yeah Final level I I've had to go to an industrial park to pick up something that I ordered.

Yep. And you're right. Like, most of these places are not set up for people from the public. Like, you just walk in, it's just boxes. Yeah. And people are like, uh. What are you doing here? Yeah, yeah.

It's always a weird experience. And anytime you have to go, it's always, no, the pickup entrance is over there. Like, you're an idiot. Didn't you see the clearly marked signage? And you're like, no, I took a bus here.

This is not a bus-friendly area. Yeah, I had to walk into this park by myself. Yeah. I'm usually really very accommodating and friendly because i know that feeling you walk into a place and there's a bunch of different offices upstairs and i don't know who works in them but the entrance is our door so people show up and they're like is this one 104 blah blah blah and i got some monkeys here they were picking coconuts. They died picking coconuts. I got monkey corpses. Not all monkeys go to heaven.

Fact. Dave, do you have one over here? Oh, I would say barely. This isn't mine, but I ran into a similar type of person on St. Patrick's Day where I bought all this green beer and he was just there was a group of two people and they maybe this is my over and they were just they both like had answers for everything that came looks like they came to the liquor store just to to chat with the people there like this guy was wearing green everything including this green tie he was you know in his 60s 70s this is his big day yeah yeah and he's got answers for

like this this the the there were there were a set of friends but they split up to go to two different cashiers right and uh the older guy was talking about how, uh, Oh, I like your tie. Oh, well, yeah,

thanks. I, uh, found it in my closet. My, uh, my, uh,

girlfriend got it for me. I came out, she was gone. And, and then he came over to where his friend was checking out and he was still carrying on that conversation, but with this cashier now. And the cashier was talking to his friend and was like, do you want to donate a dollar to Dry Grad? And his friend has got a bunch of jokes about Dry Grad. None about dry humping, which is the obvious one.

But it's like, oh, it doesn't sound like very much fun. I mean, what do they even do at Dry Grad? Play chess? This is a fun banter. And then, but at the same time, he was trying to tell that joke. His older friend came over and started doing his green tie bit with this cashier. And he was like, so everyone got distracted. No one caught any of the jokes. And then he was like, so everyone got distracted. No one caught any of the jokes.

And then he was like, yeah, but my ex left me. All I got was this tie in the closet. But it's okay. So I lost that day. But I won later when I went to the casino. And the cashier was like, you went to the casino today? Oh, no, it was a couple months ago i'm really grasping at straw i'm not an improviser i mostly just do the bits i've been telling this casino story for the last two months oh yeah now that i realize it that was a long time ago i've

been telling this story for months oh boy i guess i could have just said it was yesterday sure that's what a good stand-up would do he'd be like this just happened to me yeah yeah yeah uh so these guys i wonder what they do today because we're recording the day after uh saint patrick's day what are they is it a real come down for the guy that's wearing the big green i think it is for everyone yeah yeah like what do we do? Do you think there's some people that do, like, ah, it was yesterday, but let's go out and... Yeah, like, I don't want to miss being... One more time.

Getting sick. I am drinking a beer that I put two drops of green food coloring in. How come you did that? I thought it would get a laugh. I laughed at it. Oh. And then Dave said that it doesn't look like green beer. It mostly looks like Frankenstein's piss.

And yes, I mean the doctor. Graham, do you have an overheard? Yeah, it also comes from the world of the wonderful world of customer service. You should come on my podcast. Customer service disaster. There was a... The worst thing you ever got from a person who loves you. Don't you know it's true?

It sounds so good. I was in a subway behind a guy who was. Sandwich shop. Yes, yes, yes. Subway sandwich shop. And there's some people that can't ask for extra without being a creep. Like you can't just say a little. Yeah, just a few more olives.

You can't just say it normally. And I was behind one of these guys and he, oh God, the way that he said it made like the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. He was like, a little more olives, a little bit more olives. Don't be shy.

Oh, right. Yeah. Don't be shy That is weird Yeah Morals But people at Subway can be withholding Yeah, that's true

I'm sure they get it They turn all of us into a cuck Subway has turned our culture into a cuck Cuck is What house? Cuck has eaten itself at this point has turned our culture into a cock. Cock is. What house? Cock has eaten itself at this point. I don't know what it refers to sometimes.

Yeah, I think it's, isn't it just it's just anybody that you don't agree with? Yeah, it used to be it used to be like any male feminist or any male who would vote for Hillary. Right. But then before that it was something else oh sure yeah back in the day that's what i'm saying that subway's doing yeah

uh by not giving us enough olives yeah i understand uh now we also have overheard sent into us from people around the horn if you want to send in an overheard to us, send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. This first one comes from Vince C. in Rochester, New York. Hey. Hey. At my bowling league. Oh, Vince likes, oh, I like Vince. One of the older guys had his son there.

His son, who was probably in middle school, was doing his homework and had asked his father for some help. The father's answer to the question was, you know this, you just have to convert it. How many millimeters are in a centimeter? At which point, uh, someone turns to walk away and mutters, I don't know, three. Yeah. I mean, you know, as good a guess as any. What are you writing down? I'm writing something down covertly so no one needs to know

what it is. Oh, I see. Okay. Good radio skills. Wow, I didn't know. I thought you were drawing a wiener or something. Um. You were drawing a wiener or something. It's a note for Alicia. This all has to be cut out now, doesn't it? It's a sign to stop yawning. And then Alicia immediately yawned.

This next one comes from Rachel K. Parts unknown. This evening, I stopped by the grocery store on my way home from work. As I was standing in line, the cashier was talking to another customer about a local burger place. They agreed that although the burgers there are great, the fries are decidedly not great. The cashier tried to describe what was wrong with them, finally saying with disgust, you can still taste the potato sometimes. That is a bummer.

When you're like, ooh, so I'm really just eating a potato? I just want to taste the oil. Yeah, you want it to be crispy? Mm-hmm. Maybe too crispy. I think she means potato throat. What is that? That's when a potato french fry is not, it's either cold and you've eaten it too quickly. Yeah.

Or it's never been cooked enough to begin with. It gets stuck in your throat. Is this a thing that you have made up? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Sure. Potato throat.

Did you make it up a second? No. Okay. Okay, sure. Potatoes are out. Did you make it up the second? No. Okay. I've been referring to it for a decade. It wasn't cooked, but it was cocked.

This last one comes from Christopher B. in Madison, Wisconsin. Hey, Chrissy B. I was at a convenience store and saw a couple guys talking about the government implanting GPS chips

into people during hospital stays standard procedure yeah yeah yeah that's what we're having done to my dog oh wait he does have a chip installed never mind the younger of the two said to the much older guy why would they even need to chip us when everyone is carrying a cell phone around they hear every word you say watch Watch this. Hey, Siri. Pause. Hey, Siri. Yeah, of course,

it doesn't want to work now. Pretty classic. That's actually a good thing. Like, things you could go to the vet for as a person. Oh, the GPS chip?

Yeah, have a chip put in you or, you know, I don't think it GPSes. I think you have to scan it. What? And, but is it in his ear? Where do they put it? It's between his shoulders.

Cool. Hank has one too. Yeah. Or get a tattoo in your ear. Yeah. Yeah. Two, four, six, oh, one. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls.

If you would like to call us, our phone number is one that I have memorized. except your phone calls. If you would like to call us, our phone number is one that I have memorized. I've been doing this bit where I don't have it memorized there. But I don't, in all the weeks I've been doing it. Yeah.

Have you memorized it yet? 1-844-SPYPOD1. Well, I could do that, but the letters? Does that mean the numbers? Maybe not. 844-779-7631. Or, ugh, SpyPod 1. Right.

Your Mac's FunDrive donations go toward memory pills for us. Here are your phone calls. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Katie in Ohio calling in with an overheard. Hi. your phone calls hi david graham this is katie in ohio calling in with an overheard i was at a target the other day in the craft aisle and there was mom uh there with her maybe six-year-old son and i just heard glue gun yeah so cool that would be so that's literally what spider-man shoots yeah it's uh uh somebody

called that to my attention that i didn't i don't know if i believe this but that that is all a metaphor for puberty that whole man yeah spider Yeah, Spider-Man and the web and the... Super strength. Yeah. Oh, really? His body going through changes and stuff. Yeah, I don't know. Getting into photography.

Doesn't ruin it. No, it doesn't ruin it, but I just say, yeah, I didn't think there was another level. Yeah, it doesn't need it. That's for sure. Yeah. But, you know, now he's got that hot aunt may i mean he wouldn't he wouldn't be attracted to her but i mean maybe you don't see very often i didn't even know we were related yeah so this isn't weird here's your next phone call hi dave and graham

and potential guests um i just walked into a liquor store and was listening to a and checking out some some beer and the attendant asked him if he found Okay. And he said, yeah, I'm looking for a beer. Potentially, it's maybe brown. I mean, what do you got? What do you got for what I'm describing? Can you pour all the beers out and show me? How do you know, right? I know.

You get it home. It could be green. Yeah. Most of get it home, it could be green. Yeah, that's true. And so most of the beers in a green bottle aren't green. Yeah. That's crazy. Really? I mean, I don't know.

I don't know. I never pour them in a glass first. I just drink them out of a green bottle. Yeah. Or I pour them on myself after I win a car race. Yes. Drunkenly. Yeah.

What's the race where they pour milk on the person? Is it NASCAR? In the Indy 500, they drink, they take a sip of milk. I love milk.

No one's pouring milk. Oh, it just gets so rancid so quickly after they pour the milk on everybody. Yeah. Out of a hose. Just big milk truck backs in.

Oh boy. Here's your final overheard. Hey guys, I'm Kelly calling from Toronto with an overseen and heard. So this is from a couple of summers ago. I was waiting in line at an ice cream parlor in front of a group of parents who were all conversing. And behind them were their, what I assume was their respective children, about five of them. They were around eight or nine. And they were all huddled together in a circle,

and they appeared to be doing some sort of coordinated dance move. And that involved them using their hands and arms to mime a box around their groin region. This was a bit puzzling to me, so I kind of listened in, This was a bit puzzling to me, so I kind of listened in, and it turned out there was a chant that went with this coordinated dance motion that involved them using their hands and arms to mime a box around their groin region. And it went like this. Hey, don't touch me there. That is my private square.

We're going to fight. hey don't touch me there that is my private square wow that paid off big yeah i've had that in the uh on my desktop for weeks but i knew alicia was coming and it just seemed like a real alicia song yeah hey don't touch me there that is my favorite square oh what if you had square genitals let's let's talk about it guys i think if you had them they would the fitting part oh sure like it would be very clink yeah there wouldn't be any room for any kind of mistake you know like it really what kind of mistakes are you making with you? Oh, boy, I'm slipping. I'm sliding. But if only you were one of those Minecraft guys. Yeah, yeah.

Well, Minecraft guys for sure have square dicks. And square vajernes. Thank you. And square buttholes. So, there you go. They're not buttholes. They're butt squares. You could have a square hole

you're right a square space if you will oh yeah and use the promo code SPY I forget well that brings us

to the end of this Max Fun Drive episode of Stop Podcasting it brings us to the end of Max Fun Drive 2017 congratulations thanks guys we just want to remind you one more time,

head over to MaximumFun.org. Click on Donate. Do it now. Yeah, do it now. You'll help us. You'll feel good. We'll feel good. We'll feel good.

You'll make us seem like big men in front of Jesse Thorne. Yeah. Here's to feeling good. Thorne. Yeah. Ooh. And, you know, here's to feeling good. Feels good. Alicia. Yes. You have your own podcast. That's right.

I host it with Jessica Delisle, former guest. Yeah. On both of your podcasts. And you, it's over a year you've been, of episodes? Yeah, we're at episode 90 this week. Yeah. It'll be two years this summer.

Two years. We started recording. We do an episode a week. Yeah. And you're very famous podcasters. We're extremely famous podcasters.

Yeah. You can follow me on Twitter at Alicia A. Tobin. Mm-hmm. And if you're going to be in Winnipeg in the first week of April,

come see, come draw with me. It's really a must-see if you're in Winnipeg. in the first week of april come see come draw with me it's a it's really a must see if you're in winnipeg check it out what are the must-see shows there's the single guy yeah caroline in the city come draw with me and um uh boy veronica's sure um and check out me and my uh show veronica's closet live also at the winnipeg comedy festival i play all the characters veronica the closet veronica's assistant yeah uh nia vardellos yeah yeah nia vardellos is gonna be there kathy najimy? Kathy Najimy will be there as well. They'll both be there.

Andrew Martin, the whole cast of My Greek Wedding. Is Kathy Najimy in My Greek Wedding? It's hard to say. There's Greeks coming and going. Kathy Najimy Fallon, Kathy Najimy Kimmel. Frankenstein's pissed. These are all good band names.

If you like the show, head over to maximum fun.org. Check out the blog recap after you donate. Absolutely. You're going to see pictures and videos of things we talked about on this week's episode. Uh, you know, I don't know. Monkeys picking coconuts. Maybe not. Maybe, maybe not monkeys, uh, picking coconuts.

Maybe a fish, you know, aquarium fish that cough. A picture of Hank. Sure. Yeah. Is this a good slogan? Don't hate, donate. Yeah, I guess it's pretty good. I guess so, but it's not as good as, hey, this is my square.

Yeah. This is my square. No one's really listening this far who hates us. Yeah. You don't know that. That could be your nemesis. Oh, yeah. Classic.

Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being our guest. Always a pleasure to be on the podcast. You guys are wonderful. Thank you. And thank you out there for listening. If you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.

Bye. Wrong podcast. listening. If you like the show, tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Bye! Wrong podcast. Ha ha ha! MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.