Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 564 - Tess Degenstein

Episode Date: January 7, 2019

Actress Tess Degenstein joins us to talk pacing back and forth, weird eggs, and the hazmat team.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 564 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's already completed all his New Year's resolutions, Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, I did them early this year. To be more in your face.

Yeah, to be more in your face. To rock out more. Yeah, to avenge a bunch of deaths. Which ones? All those, oh boy. I was going to say all those Chilean miners from a few years ago, but I think they lived. Yeah, they lived, but you know what? Then a lot of them had gambling debts and were taken out shortly thereafter.

Well, I'm coming after you. Chilean casinos. And I already did it, because I already... You did all your New Year's resolutions the first week of January. Congratulations. Yeah, it's cool. Yeah.

Yeah, it is cool. Congrats. Our guest today, first-time guest of the podcast, improviser, actor... Am I hitting it yep I'm giving the A-OK to both of those things

nothing else it's Tess Degenstein everybody hello hello thanks for having me thank you for being on the podcast

oh my gosh it's my pleasure congrats on finishing your new year's resolution that's huge do you have any ooh

you know what let's get to know us mhm get to know us. Mm-hmm. Get to know us. Do you have any New Year's resolutions? Like, none that are cool. What's cool?

No deaths to avenge. Oh, yeah, yeah. No deaths to avenge. What's a cool? Yeah, I guess those would be cool resolutions. Wearing more sunglasses. Oh, yeah. Skateboarding more. I really want to get a tattoo. There you go. That's cool. Hey, that's those would be cool resolutions. Wearing more sunglasses. Oh, yeah. Skateboarding more. I really want to get a tattoo.

There you go. That's cool. Hey, that's like old school cool. That's like when you're in high school, you think it's cool. What kind of tattoo? And do you have any tattoos right now? I have not a single one. Yes.

Why now? Because, I don't know, maybe I'm in a bit of a midlife crisis. Uh-huh. Yeah. And so I'm just like, I cut off all my hair and I'm just like, let's paint on my body. Let's just really dig into the crisis. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Go whole hog. What are you thinking of? Is there an idea? Is there a size or a photo you're looking for? Yeah. Or do you just want, or do you go size first? I actually just want an 8x10 of my headshot,

if I'm going to be really honest. I like photorealistic. Yeah, it's good just kind of on my upper left thumb. I have one of Eminem's daughter when she was very young. Hailey, is it? Yeah. Oh yeah, Kim's his ex.

Okay, cool. Maybe I'll get one of Kim. Yeah, get one of Kim. Maybe we can arrange a visitation thing with our shoulders. Oh, that'd be so nice for them mostly. And for us. Do you have an idea of what?

I do. It's not like it's not it's not funny, I guess. But is it sad and bad? It's just I just want to get a. You shouldn't get a funny tattoo. Yeah, exactly. You probably shouldn't get a funny. It's funny.

It's funny. But it's not funny forever? Unless it's funny enough. There's a tattoo I have in my brain. This is not the one I'm getting, but I remember seeing it on a Tumblr years ago. And it was like, it looked kind of like a family crest. And in it, there was just a shark with a monocle. And underneath it just said, fuck education.

It does sound like a few years ago. Yeah, it does, doesn't fuck education it does sound like a few years ago yeah it does sound like a tumblr tattoo yeah just like 2005 education what um okay what's the funniest tattoo you've ever seen um you know like uh i feel like cam mcleod has a couple funny ones but i can't quite remember them and i've seen ones like of people who have lost a limb or something and they, you know, like I owe you one or whatever. That's a pretty funny tattoo. That's really making the best of it. Yeah, it is. Connor Holler's hamburger is my favorite. Oh, yeah.

Past guest, Connor Holler. Oh, that's very good. A monochrome hamburger. Yeah. I also. I love a hamburger in general, not just the burger, but like a hamburger phone, a's very good. A monochrome hamburger. Yeah. I love a hamburger in general. Not just the burger, but like a hamburger phone, a hot dog phone. Oh, sure.

Very Juneau. Oh, no. 2005, here I come. Oh, my blog. But I was going to get the first line of the Mary Oliver poem, Wild Geese. Yeah, well, Graham and I both know the first line of this poem. So you can obviously just say it. Wild geese.

Oh, boy. What's with this? Did you say, oh, my bees? Oh, my meese. Oh, my meese. Me, oh, me, oh, my meese. That's it. That's what I'm getting.

One on each side. What you said side what you said what you said yeah the first line is you don't have to be good oh to be good

yeah oh that from that poem classic poem Graham what's your favorite poem my favorite poem yeah

I don't know I guess the cremation of Sam McGee it's got a nice twist to it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, sure. Very well. I was feeling a real rhyme of the ancient mariner vibe.

Sure. I love that. I love an ancient mariner. I love an albatross. What's the other one? There's one about, there's some crazy one about Irish linen that my grandma used to say all the time. Is it from a catalog?

No, it was about a couple that try to kill each other. And one tries to kill the husband, tries to kill the wife with a razor, and she kills him with a linen. Anyways, it's something about how good Irish linen is. Oh, yeah. Because the razor blade was uh english made but the sheet was iron linen or irish linen oh that's amazing yeah yeah it's like an ad yeah yeah yeah it's like it is and then don draper just sells the rest of the campaign yeah yeah who's our client irish linen yeah okay I've got a poem Peggy step aside

um I uh I don't have a tattoo Dave doesn't have a tattoo oh I literally thought you had Eminem's daughter tattooed

that would be the funniest tattoo in the world yeah that would be amazing no Eminem has that I feel like we could oh he does yeah

quite famously I think. Oh, okay. Good for him. I'm proud of him, I guess. I mean, it was the only photorealistic tattoo I could think of. It's weird when people. I have a daguerreotype. When they get their sons or daughters tattooed on their body.

That's a weird. I feel like that's a weird thing that people do. Yeah, that's a real kind of, well, this will compensate for how bad a parent I've been. Yeah, it also feels like we hope you never grow up. Like it's a bit just like

be our little one forever. You're on my skin now like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it feels like a bit of a curse. I think the one Cam McLeod has, I think he has the word fart on his finger yeah like he's pull my finger finger and then you know for a long time there were a lot of people who get a mustache on the inside of their finger oh yeah very dumb there yeah oh yeah yeah that was that feels like

new millennium like that feels like even a bit pre-tumblr. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was from the sort of like bacon on everything, mustaches on everything. Yes. You know, I'm a cool priest in a bow tie who can marry you at your mason jar wedding. Yes, totally. Garden States recently out. Absolutely. Do you like it? Yes, I did.

It was a good take on that kind of movie. Yeah. Yeah. And then why did he not braff yeah did he not make any other movies after that oh honey no he did oh he did oh okay okay i haven't seen any of them but they're like uh they they all seem uh intensely whimsical oh like too whimsical i think so yeah he was like kick-starting a movie or two. That Mandy Patinkin was in, I think?

The Tink? The Tinker. Tinker, Taylor, Soldier, Mandy. And no, I haven't seen any. I've seen all of Donald Faison's movies, so that's where my Scrubs allegiance is lost. Yeah, that's true. That's nice. But it's like, because I feel like garden state is a movie

everybody knows so did he did he citizen cane it did he come out of the gates too strong and then nobody like everything else was not as good uh yeah i think citizen cane that's like very generous garden state citizen cane yeah but you know what he But you know what? I think it's cool. He's still doing it. He's still getting out there. I feel bad. I didn't mean to say anything bad about Zach Braff. No, it's fine. That's our job.

But you know what? The opinions of Tess Degenstein are ours as well. But we feel stronger about them. So he, Zach Braff. Yeah. Zach Braff? Zach Braff. Yeah. Zach Braff? Zach Braff. Yeah.

Where was I going to go? Griffey. Oh no, uh, the, um, uh, have you seen that documentary on Netflix about, uh, Citizen Kane guy? Orson Welles? Orson Welles? No. About the last movie he was going to make?

No, I've heard, I've heard about it. Yeah. What's the, what's the deal? It's about how he would basically like, he was trying to make this movie. It's very hard to explain what the movie is. Oh, yeah. That makes sense. Is it like an in-depth character study?

Or is it like a dream sequence? No, it's kind of like, I think it starts to be kind of like a slice of life. Oh. Like, it's, you know, this is how people talk it's how it's the movie's gonna be and right and so like and it would be you know they would uh we really just need to like he was trying to make this movie he had no money to make it they would shut down shooting for weeks because as they waited for more money right Right. And it was like, oh, we need to shoot this now because the train is going by now. Oh, right, right, right.

Like, we can't afford to, you know, rent a train for a day and have it go by. We need to shoot this scene. The sun is coming up. The phone is actually ringing to turn the camera on. No one knows this phone number. Yeah, exactly. We can't. We can't spare a thing.

And, like, the, I really want. The phone is ringing. It replaces everybody and i really want to make this uh i really want to use this director of photography i can't afford to pay him so he has to go and make porno for a while like he has to go shoot porn oh sure to make money so he can come back and shoot my film And then there's like a part where like, there's a rumor that Orson Welles directed this one porno scene. Just because it's like help. How,

and do you think the rumor is based on kind of the tone of the porn? No, I think it's based on. It's also very. Just a lot of like shadow and light. Yeah. Yeah. Sports perspective.

Yeah, exactly. Some beautiful pans yeah and cans yeah the uh yeah so it's uh i'm two-thirds of the way through this documentary wow oh that sounds awesome when was it like the 70s i think 70. The 70s. The 70s. Yeah. It's called The Love Me When I'm Dead. And then Netflix also has the movie. Right. But I don't know if it's really the finish. That's a cool tie-in for them. I'm happy for them.

You're happy for Netflix? For Netflix. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They've got a lot going for them. Chin up, Netflix. Yeah, it's okay. Next year's going to be good for you. Yeah, I think so. I'm going to watch one of their shows next year.

I'm just going to watch Friends because they paid a lot for that. So I feel like I should. Yeah, support them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you guys did it. It's okay. You did it. I know you're getting some flack online.

I'll start it from the beginning again. I'll watch it from the first few episodes where I don't really care for the show all that much. Sure. All the way through to when I kind of like it, all the way through to when I don't like it again at the end. Yeah. I don't think I ever didn't like it until the end. I think I liked it right away and then didn't like it.

Yeah. I don't know that I knew, could convince myself I didn't like it until now. That thing about him directing,ibly directing a porno scene Reminds me of There's like a rumor That Paul McCartney was in the Studio next to Motley Crue And they were recording

Girls Girls Girls And that he came in and like Mucked around with them on that track Mucking it up I'd like to know if that That one we could find out if that's true. He's still around. They're all still around. Yeah, we could.

Well, it seems like he's here right now. We should just ask. Oh, who are you? That's me. Peace and love. Peace and love. Whoa, that's good. That's Ringo.

That's Ringo. Oh, yeah, that is Ringo. I just want to tell everyone, we will not be accepting any more overheards. Don't send them in. Peace and love. Peace and love. Ringo, that's not our policy at all. Oh, okay.

But great to see you. Yes. A true thrill. Oh, my God. He's climbing out the window. Yeah. I got me. His door of choice.

Me knickers are stuck. Door of choice. I think Ringo's door of choice is definitely a window. Now, Tess. Yeah, Dave. Who are you? Oh, haha. Yeah, great cue.

You are, you're here in Vancouver. You're not from Vancouver. No. I met you a couple months ago in Toronto. Yes, you did. On the eve of my 31st birth. Congratulations. Are you still 31? I'm still Yeah, I thought I'd cycle to be it. And you think you're having a midlife crisis i am yeah for like a long time this show yeah uh so it is it weird to talk about like the things that are happening no of course not okay reality itself yes welcome in this room yeah of course it's not oh there you get back out um uh yeah you're you're

doing a show and but by the time this episode is out you will no longer oh we'll actually be touring the lower mainland right yeah so uh it's been at the arts club which has been really fun in vancouver uh and then we're done there on the 30th and then we go on a tour till mid-february uh yeah it's been awesome vancouver is a cool it's a cool it's a cool vibe it's got a great vibe i don't ever uh anyone, which is nice. What do you mean? Like people that you know or just you don't see people? Just don't see a lot of people.

Like I find the area I'm staying in anyway, it's super quiet. It's really nice. Yeah. Yeah. I think compared with Toronto too. Yeah. All that hustle bustle. All that, you know, Toronto minute.

I don't know. No, I know what you mean. It's the Toronto minute. Do you? I don't know what you mean. Oh, it's like, it the Toronto minute? Do you? I don't know what you mean. Oh, it's like, it's not a thing. It's just...

Time's different in Toronto. Everyone's so in a hurry. Like, I know there's a New York minute and anything can change. That's true. Yeah. That was on an episode

of Friends. What, a New York minute? That song. Yeah, that sounds right. What song was that? In a New York Minute? That song. Yeah, that sounds right. What song was that? In a New York Minute. I know. You have a beautiful soprano.

Part of it is. Yeah. He's a castrato. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, well. Two kids is enough. Congratulations. Kind of.

Yeah, no. But what is the show? Tell us about the show. Yeah, it Congratulations. Kind of. Yeah, no. Um, but what is the show? Tell us about the show. Yeah, it's, it's called blind date and it's an improvised show that has a loose structure,

but it's basically me, uh, and an audience member and we do a 90 minute show together. So, and the premise of it is that, uh, I I'm kind of playing a character, but I'm also talking about my real life on stage.

So I'm a character in that I have an accent and a clown nose, actually. But then I'm telling real details about my own life. Tess Degenstein's life. Tess Degenstein's own life. And then the guests that we have on stage, they're also being themselves. So they're just, they're not playing a character, obviously, at all. They're not actors. So it's the same person start to finish of the show yeah wow so and then we enact a kind of blind date scenario with them so we meet at a cafe get to know each other and then

how far in advance do they know they're going on stage uh like the once the show has started someone uh yeah so in the lobby people come in and mingle around and we kind of, we chat and we see like, would you be okay with going on stage? Because we don't want to grab anyone and bring them on stage. They're like, this is my worst nightmare. Okay. Because what I knew about the play was like an audience member comes on stage. Well, that is my worst nightmare. Yeah.

Fully. It's kind of mine too. As an audience member. Was seeing one minute of your fucking play. So, yeah, so that we've cleared it with them to make sure they'd be okay with it, but they still don't know it would be them once the show started. Oh, okay. The show starts, and then I end up wandering into the audience

and then grabbing someone from that maybe list. Wow. How do you decide which person uh because it feels like if you if you grab a lemon then you're you're making that lemonade baby uh no it's a like the premise of the show is that everyone's lovable and everyone's interesting So it's science fiction. Takes a big swig of water. Yeah. So, yeah.

So that's the premise. And it's kind of whoever we bring up there, it's just our job to make sure that they are comfortable enough to be their best selves. And it's, when you say our job, who's on stage? So it's just me. And then there's a backstage team that can come on to play other characters if they're needed things like the waiter at the restaurant or change furniture if we end up going somewhere else you have an upholsterer on yeah we've got a live upholsterer yeah in charge of the buttresses and all the shifa robes side tables you know oh yeah. Oh. Yeah. Pulsar side table. Do you ever have people who you're like, two minutes and you're like, oh, shit.

No. Well, you know, what's tricky is people, performers, actually. So if we haven't vetted that someone doesn't have a lot of stage experience, then we get on stage and their kind of performance mechanisms kick in. then we get on stage and their kind of performance mechanisms kick in. And that, that can be trickier because then you're, you're going like, Oh no, you don't need to, to like,

Oh, you don't need to cheat out or, or, or try to tell the story of a blind date. Like we're just actually, we can actually just talk to each other. Right. And you,

cause they're kind of performer hat wants to just get everything right. As opposed to just like actually landing and being themselves. the ideal person is who a dupe a duke actually yeah we love an archduke is okay um the problem is someone's always trying to assassinate yeah and then you know what that leads to uh no i the ideal person is someone i think we look for someone who's kind of reluctantly playful. So not someone who's like, Hey, I want to be on the stage. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Uh, and nor it's someone who's just like, no, this is my worst nightmare. Like I, you know,

I would have a panic attack and not have fun. Uh, so someone who's, you know, who's going to kind of go, go along with us. And, but really that's it.

Like that's a pretty narrow kind of, do you ever see people who buy tickets to kind of go along with us. But really, that's it. Like, that's a pretty narrow kind of. Do you ever see people who buy tickets to multiple shows in the hopes that, oh, she didn't pick me last time, but maybe this is my. We get a lot of people who come back to just be like, how can this happen twice? Oh, because it's like a magic trick. Yeah, I think kind of, because you really get to see someone

who's never been on stage come on stage and become the protagonist of a play. Wow. Which is kind of, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, it's cool. And are you the antagonist then? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I've got a long mustache.

It's tattooed actually. So I just hold up my fingers and I twirl it. Two fingers would be good. Yeah, and then I chain the date to the tracks. Yeah. Yeah. Sure. So just kind of some classic antagonism. That sounds like it's exhausting for you to be doing this show.

I mean, you look exhausted. Yeah, you look fat, Tess. We just met, but you don't look like yourself. Yeah, it is. It's an intense experience. And I find it's like winding down at night's been near impossible. I just walk from one end of my Airbnb to another until 4 a.m. If you guys have any tips, I would love to hear them.

I mean, this neighborhood, the neighborhood you're in is just so lively. You should just go out and dance. Yeah, just under any tree, on any corner, find any Starbucks. So you're just so, yeah, like you're so keyed up after the show. I am, yeah. And the only thing you can do is walk around. Why not just, like, there's the late night coffee shops and stuff like that. Hang out in one of those.

Oh, yeah, that's a really good idea. You know? Totally. Yeah. Or write a screenplay. Write a book. Oh, yeah. Read a book.

I could Aaron Sorkin it while I'm all hyped up on the natural cocaine of doing this show. Performing. Why not? Yes! Woo! Have you heard of Fortnite? Like the video game? Yeah.

Should you get into that? Okay, cool. You could do some like epic session yeah that's true there's also there's just oh video games in general now are just they're so immersive they're so immersive and that's what i like you know because i find the real world very um like it's immersive it's too immersive it's too immersive so i want something just one step down or even a bit more than that. Yeah. Yeah.

You are a bad sleeper. Very. Is that, is that partly due to performing at night? No, cause I don't, I don't get keyed up, but I just, yeah, I can't, I can't key down. I, cause when I used to do standup, I would would come home at, like, whatever, 11.30. Abby would be in bed, and I'd be like, okay, well, I'll see you. Like, I'm going to go to the other room. What would you do?

I don't know, go on the internet for an hour. Oh, yeah, TV. Yeah. Jeopardy's been good to me. Oh, do you watch Jeopardy on Netflix now that it's on Netflix? Yeah, I do on Netflix. I haven't experienced it. Is it just... You're experienced it. Is it just... You're the host.

Is it just the same, but like, are they classic episodes? Yeah, it's like, I think they've got a tournament of champions up there and another,

maybe a high school tournament up there? I hate those. You hate them? I hate the high school tournaments. Why? Because the questions are too easy.

Oh, that's what I like about it. Yeah, me too. Because I'm like, I'm so smart. Yeah, I'm not saying that I'm great at regular Jeopardy, but I just like, I don't. You want the challenge. I like a challenge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not me. I don't like, I like to dominate.

Yeah. I want to beat up these kids in sweater vests and recently like I have a channel a TV preview of the fight channel

so I've been watching a lot of UFC late at night oh that seems fun it is a lot of fun and especially because I constantly

am wondering how the hell like what are they doing when they're down on the mat doing and the commentators seem to know exactly what they're doing when they're down on the mat doing and the the commentators

seem to know exactly what they're doing oh he's trying to get an arm under his chin oh he's got an arm under his chin and I assume that that's very bad

tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle um yeah watching watching any kind of fight watching a a world star

uh huh anything like that takes up that's probably my favorite kind of fight to watch like in star uh-huh any anything like that takes up that's probably my favorite kind of fight to watch like in a burger king yeah yeah i can't i can't do shirtless guys in an organized oh no the ones i watch are all shirts they're all wearing like sleeping shirts but like i can't like yeah like ufc and boxing or it's just too too much too too much skin on skin. They all wear gloves. Yeah, that's true.

And toques. They do. Toques, scarves, gloves, just no shirt. Like a winter fight. Yeah, a winter fight. Yeah, yeah. A midwinter's fight. I love these announcers who seem to like anticipate the physical movements yeah yeah yeah

yeah they may be very good in bed yeah is that the first time that's ever been said about i mean about the announcers like yeah like about joe rogan that he's probably oh no is that him yes he's one of them take it all back no he's very good he He offered Elon Musk some marijuana. Oh, yes. And he took it. Bad influence, that Joe Rogan. Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to think of like, yeah, because pacing around is very like late at night. I don't do it during the day. No.

During the day, I love to sit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing I love more. Sit, recline. Yeah. Like all Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's nothing I love more. Recline. Recline. Yeah. Yeah. Like all the way back.

But I don't know why in the middle of the night. Well, doing an hour long show of any kind is very, it's like part exhausting and then part like you just, your brain's running so fast. Yeah. Especially with a show like that, that, uh. running so fast. Yeah. Especially with a show like that.

That, uh... When I was in high school and I did plays, I remember it would take me months to lose the lines. Like, to not have the reflex of, like, I hear a word, that's a cue for the next line. Right.

Oh, I should open a door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What plays did you do in high school? Yeah. What a real need-to-know basis about this. I think, oh boy, the only one I really remember doing a lot of was this Neil Simon play called Fools. Oh, that sounds good.

I think we've talked about it. Yeah, I was in a production of the show as well. Did you guys go to high school together? No. Okay, we're at a 50-50 split. We went at the same time. Yeah. We both went to high school school if that's the question

yeah that was my way of asking did you guys go to high school together? what is it? so passive aggressive I think I could probably be start doing a podcast with some people I went to high school with

sure yeah it's time yeah it's a weird business relationship Probably start doing a podcast with some people I went to high school with. Sure. Yeah, it's time. Yeah, it's a weird business relationship to start out with my bullies. Yeah. You can just always ask them, you know, like, well, what do you think of me now? Yeah. Like, how do you like me now?

Yeah. Oh, that's nice for your New Year's resolution, too, of being more... Open with your bullies? Did you do New Year's resolutions for 2018? Yeah. Oh, that's nice for your New Year's resolution, too, of being more... Open with your bullies. Did you do New Year's resolutions for 2018? Yeah. Yeah. Flopped them. Flopped. Yeah, belly flopped it.

Yeah. What was yours? I was going to lose weight, and if anything, I gained weight. Oh, wow. So I did something with weight. Exactly. You're in the ballpark. Yeah.

You're playing the right game. Yeah, I didn't with weight. Exactly. You're in the ballpark. Yeah. You're playing the right game. Yeah. I didn't ignore weight. I certainly worked in that milieu. Yeah. No, that one was what I was going to do. And it just did not go. Did you start off with, did it start like at all?

Or were you like, eh, you know what? Never mind. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah yeah i was like yeah forget it yeah like i think by february 1st i was like yeah this is just if it happens great but let's pretend i didn't make a resolution to do it totally and then it'll be fine that i didn't i think new year's resolutions are really just january resolutions like if we're all going to be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What did you flop?

I flopped reading a book a week. Book a week? Book a week. Like that's too much. I flopped reading a book a year. What did you, did you get, did you start one? Did you go to high school together?

What did I read? You still have a week left. I guess I could finish the book I started. No, my resolutions were, well, I think in December of last year, I bought a bunch of clothes. And I realized I don't need any more clothes. And so my resolution was like, don't buy any more clothes. Buy no clothes. For myself, anyway.

Yeah. I will not make my children go naked. But I will not buy any more clothes. And I made it until May. Oh, that's not bad. Yeah, that's not bad at all. But then there were these, ooh, these kicks. Yeah. And then my other resolution was to be vegetarian one day a week.

Oh, that's cool. And that morphed into Well, just don't Just be vegetarian until dinner Every day Oh, yeah, but that's still That's better Yeah And I think that spread is more than one day a week

Oh, definitely Like that's way more than three meals Although, but like I would never I mean, unless I'm at a diner I'm not having meat at breakfast Anyway Oh, yeah, right, right, right

What's your breakfast? You want to know? I'm dying to know I breakfast anyway. Oh, yeah. Right, right, right. What's your breakfast? You want to know? I'm dying to know. I have one soft-boiled egg. I have a piece of toast. I have a glass of Metamucil. Do you actually? Yeah.

Oh, my God. I want to high-five you because so do I. Really? Yeah. Kindred spirits. And I have whatever amount of smoothie my daughters don't finish. That's like a picture of a breakfast. Yeah.

Yeah. It's part of a complete breakfast. That's like a really good breakfast. What do you do? Damn. Madame Mussel. Madame Mussel. Madame Mussel.

And that's it. Everybody out. And I snort it. Yeah. It's wild. everybody out and I snored it yeah it's wild no yogurt berries

granola just any kind of like that's a great breakfast yeah that's a very healthy breakfast congratulations on your healthy breakfast ah thanks for the home listener

we are recording this before Xmas yeah because we're we're stocking up on Eppies while Graham's're we're stocking up on eppies while graham's away speaking of stocking up on eppies i wanted to put an epi pen in your stocking this year oh yeah couldn't get one nope there uh but that was to get your hands that was gonna be my i was like they expire every once a year they expire after a year i was like what if i started a tradition of

just buying graham an epiPen for Christmas every... Do you need one? Yeah. Not currently, but... I'm allergic to a lot of stuff. Oh, that's so nice. It is nice. It's the thought that counts. The thought that counts. As you are swelling up from a peanut in your

soup. You're here doing the play. Yeah. Not going home for Christmas. Do you usually go home for Christmas? Yeah, I'd say 80% of the time. Oh. But we just bought yesterday.

My mom came to town to visit me for Christmas, which is so nice. And yesterday we went to Canadian Tire and we bought a fun Christmas shrub was what it was called. Yeah. Instead of in lieu of a tree. Christmas shrub, Christmas shrub. Oh, Christmas shrub. Yeah, yeah. Christmas shrub, you're a fun little guy.

And so that's nice. And then we got some lights and we just put it on our shrub. But once we were unpacking the shrub, we were reading about what it needs, what it does, what it will become. And it said it can grow up to 30 feet. Wow. So, yeah. Do you guys want a 30-foot shrub? That will outlive you?

Yeah. It's like the parent of shrubs. Is it an indoor shrub? That will outlive you? Yeah. It's like the parrot. Wow. The parrot of shrubs. Is it an indoor shrub? I don't, I don't know. I think it's probably outdoors if it's 30 feet. Yeah.

Otherwise, it's just for those dukes. Yeah. Yeah. 30 foot tall dukes. I guess if you're rich enough, you could have a tree growing inside your house.

I mean, people have, I bought, right? Yeah. I bought Abby a ficus. Yeah, that's good. What's a ficus?

It's a tree that has like rubbery leaves. Yeah, it's a tiny little guy. But like. She doesn't know it yet. It's her Christmas present. Okay. Okay, we gotta be very quiet. Someone's in the room next to us.

I think it's just the kids. Might be Ringo Starr. But I just, one of Abby's Christmas presents was I was buying her this planter. Yeah. And it arrived and it's very small and I bought this large ficus and it's not going to fit in the planter. Oh no. Oh no. I've got, this is a real gift of the magic.

Yeah, a very light gift of the magic. I feel like Vladimir Klitschko and Hayden Panettiere over here. Her I know. Well, he's very big and she's very small. Oh, got it. Was he? What was he? A boxer.

A boxer. Yeah, I knew he was some sort of fight guy. You know it from that channel. Yeah, I love it. Man, oh man. Channel 945. What? Yeah, 945.

Whoa, that's some satellite shit. Yeah, but it's great. Any hour of the day, it's just fighting. That's all they have. There's no just sitting around talking. There's no infomercials. That's amazing. Oh, they have the view, but they count that as fighting.

I mean, rightly so. Those hands clucking. Come on. I love the view. My mum used to have to call me to tell me to go outside because I was like just watching. I would just watch the view all day. She's like, please go outside.

You're so sick. Stop rewinding to the start of this hour. Because it comes on at a very weird time of day where you've kind of given up on the day it's like if you're watching 10 in the morning yeah well if you watch this it's 11 and then you're done then you're done yeah totally or mid-afternoon like around three yeah i feel like if you suddenly find yourself watching dr phil like you've done anything, that whole day is a write-off. Yeah, it's true.

You might as well just get those flannel shirts on and fight a man. Dr. Phil, the second half of the show should just be him giving you a pep talk. Giving you a pep test. Just kidding, I thought that's what you were going to say. Just him giving you some straight talk, like, get your life together.

Stop watching my show. It's 1.30. Yeah, that would be good. I watched an episode yesterday where his wife was on. Yeah, she's always there. And they were talking, and I was like, this is not what the show is like it would be as if you watched a law and order in that week they didn't have a murder and it was just them hanging out yeah right like washing their cars like you're like this i know this is titled the show but this is

not what you do yeah i tuned in to see law and or order yeah yeah so when i and or order. Yeah, yeah. So when I turn into... Law and or order. That's a different show. Yes. That's just, yeah, first half procedural, second half, like the Condi folding things into squares. Oh, yeah.

Marie Condi. Yeah, that's order. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So satisfying. So satisfying. I feel like Dr. Phil and his wife

call each other mother and father. Is she a doctor too? I don't know. No. Mrs. Phil? Mrs. Phil. Dr. and Mrs. Phil.

Yeah. She hangs around. I mean, she does. She hangs around that studio. She watches him like a hawk. You think he cheats on her? Is that why? I think there's something

has happened in their past that she's like, I'm going to be there every day. Mm-hmm. We're going to walk out together. We're going to walk out of the studio together. We're going to get the car together.

You're going to hold my hand. Yeah. Once in a while, you're going to plug my book. I wrote a book. I don't know what it's probably about living with Dr. Phil. Sometimes you're going to find Dr. Phil leaves

his socks on the floor. That's not the hell you're going to die on this week though. That's nice. It's like then she's writing it for the people he's having an affair with. She's just like, okay, you're out there. Here's what you got. Living with Dr. Phil.

It's not all a cakewalk. Why did my book sell 10 000 copies phil philip wow i'm getting awfully close to that bestseller list a lot of people seem to be living with you wow yeah now that's passive aggressive yeah yeah uh how are you guys what's yeah dave what's going on with you man well let's see i uh i ran upstairs to get my phone because i i have topics it's a day of hot topics that's great i had to get my phone fixed so my phone wouldn't charge and i went to my favorite place that so i and i've i've done everything my phone is three years old, but it's the last. Happy birthday to phone.

It's the last generation of iPhone that has a headphone jack. So I won't upgrade. But it just wouldn't charge for like a week. It was kind of like, yes, it would. Sometimes it wouldn't. Plug it in overnight and it would be dead in the morning. Nightmare. In this world of certainties, it was just, I couldn't have this in my life.

No. I have some compressed air I would spray in there. I tried to get some tweezers to clean it out. Just the charger port and it just it was just so inconsistent and then i brought i brought it in and the guy was like oh yeah it just needs cleaning out oh and uh i was like no i've done it all and he did it he he blew it he literally blew in it plugged it in oh it seems to be charging just fine but i was saying like it's just inconsistent like of course it'll charge now and i plugged it into my car and it

charged on the way back to work and then uh and then the next night it was dead and so i brought it i brought it back and i was like you did this to me he didn't charge me or anything no but then and the phone didn't charge me or anything. No. But then, and the phone didn't charge either. Yeah, exactly. But his boss was there and he's like, oh no,

it's not the charger, it's the battery. The battery's dead. You ever had the battery changed on this? Oh, you gotta get a new battery. So I bring it into them

and they fix it. Right. Do you ever get like, halfway through a story and you realize, oh, the second half doesn't have any stuff in it? There's no tension in the second half. Yeah, we went to the store where they did this job.

I mean, they called me halfway through and said, it's actually both the battery and the charger. Yeah. But it's my favorite cell phone fixing place. They have everything on their website. They tell you exactly what it's going to cost. Oh, no. That's okay. We just had a little spell here, but I think it's going to cost oh no that's that's okay we had a

we just had a little spell here but i think we're gonna be fine um the uh other thing that's going on with me is um do you ever have a song stuck in your head and you're singing it out loud uh like singing it out loud constantly or um maybe yeah yeah yes uh for me it's buffalo soldier but uh by bob marley uh yeah but it's meows in my head very frequently that's uh the banana split song. Yeah. Oh, is it? It just occurs to me now. That one? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that's what's in my head. Yeah. I don't think that's Buffalo's song. Well, no, it is. Is it? He goes, la, la. Yeah, he does both. Oh, okay.

La, la. The three whitest people. La, la. Well, that's why I think it's the one banana, two banana, three banana, four. Yeah. So that's, yeah, that's my experience of just walking around. Lately, I've had this. This is me.

Well, this is me. This Post Malone GoPro. Sure. What's that one? I believe it's Post Malone. He's one of the people on this song that goes, I just ordered sushi from Japan. She just want to kick it, Jackie Chan.

You know this song? I know this song. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other day, I was just like getting out of my car singing it and made eye contact with a guy jackie jim oh boy eye contact it would be better than foot contact yes yeah yeah that's true what's the heart contact what are your um uh what's your familiarity with Post Malone? It's little to none. Did you see my eyes go like, huh? When you said it? To me, I'm like, what's pre-Malone?

What's Malone? What's pre-Malone? What's Malone? Well, pre-Malone, you can still get you pregnant. So beware of that. Right, right. But this song is less than a song I don't

I really don't Like is he one person? Is he a lot of people? I'm not Graham do you know anything about Post Malone? Okay Graham and I will give you the Oh my god please

We're going to sit you down And give you the Post Malone talk Okay I'll sit down Post Malone is a rapper He's a rapper Slash vocalist Slash acoustic guitar you guys Yeah he plays the guitar He's a rapper. Slash vocalist. Slash acoustic guitar, you guys.

Yeah, he plays the guitar. He's got a face full of tattoos. Okay. Yeah, he's got a barbed wire tattoo across his forehead so he looks like a Frankenstein. And then he's got, it says,

stay away on one of them and always tired under his eyes. Oh, I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He looks like he probably smells. Ah, mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah. He, at the MTV Movie Awards, he did a duet with Aerosmith for some reason. Did it feel wrong? It felt, no, it felt right. Felt right. But it didn't feel like,

like, who the hell's this for it was kind of right yeah yeah they were like oh they're both trying to reach someone yeah yeah yeah like uh and then that's like the netflix crossover you got your orson welles doc and then you got your actual film on yeah yeah yeah um and his his uh most popular song on Spotify that I just opened up right now. Is Rockstar? Is Rockstar, which has 1.3 billion listens. Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I don't know this person.

Well, it features 21 Savage. Uh-huh. He, there was a great, like, even if you don't know who he is, there was a great article about him in the New York Times. Or no, the Washington Post. Amazing. That just kind of sets up who he is and then tears him asunder. Oh!

Yeah. Wow. He's this generation's Kid Rock, if you had to. Oh, is he? Yeah. I thought he was better than that. I don't think so. Well, I don't know.

Did you ever get a Kid Rock song caught in your head in this way? Ah, ba, which a ba, da, bang, a dang, digga, digga, digga, digga, sit the boogie, sit up, jump the boogie. Ah, my name is Kid Rock. I love that part where he just sounds like a lamb caught in a fence. He's a kid because he's a little goat. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's what that name comes from. Now it makes so much more sense. With the goatee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, this Jackie Chan song is Tiesto featuring, oh, Tiesto and Zecco featuring Preemie and Poe's Malone. Oh, Preemie. Hey, Preemie.

Pre Malone. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. I don't know if it's Preemie. It's P-one Oh Preemie Hey Preemie Pre Malone Yeah I guess so Yeah I don't know if it's Preemie It's P-R-E-M-E Okay well I'll get you pregnant Yeah

Be careful About that kid This has been hugely Enlightening And I need to go Yeah Okay bye Thank you for stopping by

Yeah thanks for having me If you go pee after Pre Malone Oh Dave You're fine After Preemie Yeah Yeah pee after Preemie Soalone, you're fine. After pre-me. Yeah. Yeah, pee after pre-meal.

So that's what's going on with me. The other thing, I guess like new year, new me, just running out all of last year's untouched topics. I told you about my breakfast. Yeah. Yeah, amazing. Soft-boiled eggs. Toast.

And my eggs have been really weird lately. I have so many questions. Could be your age. Yeah, you only have so many. You know, you're just born with so many. That clock is ticking. Yeah. When you have an egg, because a soft boiled egg, the yolk is still soft.

So you put it in a little cup yeah you tap tap on the top you take the lid off and there's like a on an egg there's like a a fatter end and a thinner end right yeah yeah oh my god imagine we were like what is he talking about they explains post malone and then an egg and then an egg but like you seem very vulnerable some eggs are you know they're more

they're less I guess pear shaped yeah sure some eggs have have more of a

slope down okay yeah like a rounder egg yeah some are just like a more of a closer to like a perfect oval. Sure.

Yeah. Sure. Okay. Yes. I'm with you. But I've been finding a lot of my eggs lately. The yolk is in the top narrow part when it should be sitting in the bottom. This is a bananas trend.

Have you guys noticed this? I have not noticed this. Well, this was a 2018 hot topic. Wow. Okay. Where do you feel like the yolk should be? In the past in your eggs, where has the yolk been? The UK.

Okay. United Kingdom. In the UK. Oh, stop it. I'm so sorry. You're very vulnerable about this egg thing. You tap the top of the egg. You get that little sort of yarmulke of egg white at the top.

Yes. That you pull off. Yes. But sometimes now that egg white yarmulke will be yolk yarmulke. I don't. I've never had this problem. I'm trying to picture it. Maybe I got some freaky eggs.

Yeah. Were they all from the same carton? Yeah. Yeah, you got some freaky eggs. Yeah. Were they all from the same carton? Yeah. Yeah. You got some freaky eggs. You might have. Cool chicken. But also, do you think one chicken is, do you give it 12 days to fill a carton? Right.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess it's not one chicken per carton, is it? No. But it could be just like, you know, something's in the water at this particular farm or something. You know what I mean? Is it a type that doesn't use antibiotics? Maybe it's antibiotics.

Maybe it's GMO. Maybe they've been GMO'd. I get the brown eggs with the golden yolks. Yeah, take pictures of your breakfast. Yeah, exactly. You've got to have those golden yolks. Well, yeah. Every day, that's my New Year's resolution.

Take a picture of my breakfast and compare it to yesterday's. That's good. And then you can do a flip book. Mm-hmm. And just be like, mm, yum. Look how my breakfast has aged. Yum. And in conclusion, yum.

2019, yum. So I am only now realizing I have no idea how an egg works. Do you know what I mean? No. Of like, it's that it's, like it's unfertilized, a chicken lays it. Maybe I do know. Yeah. But then why, why has, why is the yolk where it is?

How on earth would it be getting up to the thinner part of the dirt drop? You're not wrong. I don't know how an egg works either. When does it get fertilized? I don't know. Is there a rooster going around? Yeah, a rooster goes around. But is he fertilizing the egg before it comes out?

Yeah, yeah. It's got a weird, real weird wiener. But the eggs, an egg a day, right? Keeps the doctor away. And garlic keeps Dracula away. yeah yeah yeah yeah clover day but do you know uh are you are you just saying you know how you know because you know about the rooster's dong yeah but he's describing a duck's dong yeah that's true but a rooster also has a pretty wacky a pretty wacky penis you know what i'd expect nothing. But a rooster also has a pretty wacky penis.

You know what? I'd expect nothing less from a rooster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's got that thing on his head. He just seems wild. Yeah, he's wild. Yeah, his body seems out of control. Yeah.

Okay. I'm glad to know that. And yeah, it's only the eggs that have been fertilized that then they would sit on and would grow into. Right. Huh. Yeah. Cool. So, they're not, if they have an unfertilized egg, they don't mind that you're eating it.

I don't know that they mind anything. Yeah, they're bird brains. Yeah. I mean, they probably mind if you hold the little grain in front of them and then take it away. They mind that very much. The little grain. Yeah. Like animated cartoon little grain.

So that's what's going on with me. You got some weird eggs. Weird eggs singing Post Malone in front of a stranger and fix my phone. We'll probably edit one of those anecdotes out. But it's so holistic, a picture. And then we'll have to edit out what I just said. Yeah. Boy, this is turning into a post-production,

Post Malone heavy, etc. What's up with you? In 2019. In 2019? I don't know. I'm just I'm taking a wait and see approach with 2019.

Do you have resolutions this year? Yeah, I'll probably just stick with last year's resolution that I blew off in the lose weight. Yeah. Lose some weight

in 2019. My doctor seems pretty keen on it. You know, she seems to be like hey, why don't you make that why don't you do that Lose some weight in 2019. My doctor seems pretty keen on it. She seems to be like, hey, why don't you do that for the new year kind of thing. So who is she to tell me what my resolution should be? Yeah. A certified professional. That's who. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Is she cool? She's pretty cool. She hugs her patients when... yeah very nice that is so nice yeah yeah yeah there's all that like technical interaction with your body with the doctor yeah it's nice if someone can also be like you know what you're also a human being you're also a human being touch yeah yeah yeah yeah do you have a doctor do you like your doctor uh yeah i have one

i think she's good i've only seen her once okay she's new okay yeah she seems cool what about your old doctor uh old doctor was intimidating to me and and way across the city yeah she would wear like five inch heels and uh she's just stunning and very uh aloof and i always felt uh embarrassed like you're wasting her time like i'm Like I was wasting her time and I've got five warts that need seeing on my foot or whatever and I'm just like,

I don't like the, well, contrast between you and me right now. Can't you be wearing some sort of Uggs or something? Yeah, yeah. Just very, yeah. Now I'm vulnerable

about my warts. Okay. Yeah, yeah. That was a lot to reveal. Yeah. Five. If you're going to be doing this type of stage show where you're open and honest, you've got to be, you're an open book. You're talking about your worst blind date with this doctor, Dr. Wartfree. St. John, if you will.

Please carry on. Please help me. It's a different kind of wart. I was at the CBC this week, and I was only supposed to be there for a very short period of time. An hour. Two hours tops. Oh, this is like, are you thinking of the DMV? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I get in line, and I'm like, all I need to do is renew my license. very short period of time an hour two hours time oh this is like are you thinking of the dmv yeah

yeah yeah and i get in line and i'm like all i need to do is renew my license um and uh i was there for like 15 minutes before an alarm went off oh and uh and we were like okay this is definitely just a drill and then somebody came in wearing like the uh whatever the fire marshal hat like every i guess every floor there's somebody who's like the fire marshal let me show you something yeah i'm just picturing uh uh like a dalmatian yeah yeah yeah it was a dalmatian that came in the room and uh the marshal from paw patrol um don? Don't know that reference. He's on Paw Patrol. Oh, okay.

He's a Dalmatian. So the person came in and said, this is not a drill. This is like there's been a possible gas leak. Oh. So what started out as being only an hour or so, a visit to the CBC got stretched into a four hour long because the hazmat team had to be brought in. Oh, did they wear their Ebola suits? I didn't see them entering the building, but like the firemen went in and we were all standing outside and totally forgot to bring.

Like, I thought it was just going to be a quick thing. So I left all my stuff. Oh. In the building oh shoot i could have got gassed on yeah exactly gassed on no one fights like him so uh but the thing about a fire drill or a real this is not a fire yeah or just a fire is uh you get to really mingle with

other departments people from other floors yeah that you would never get to see you're like oh yeah you work here

so it was a real nice kind of Christmas time reunion out on the street and then whenever you see the hazmat truck pulling up

you're like oh shit like I should leave this area immediately they didn't find anything it was just the building smells weird yeah that's what they that was the ultimate oh shit, like I should leave this area immediately. They didn't find anything. It was just the building smells weird.

That was the ultimate conclusion was something smells weird in the building, but fine. Did someone burn popcorn? Was that it? That's usually what happens in an office. Yeah. It was just like, it was just smelled like gas. Right. Yeah. What a weird job

that they're like you know at the end of the day home with their sweetie taking off their hazmat suit and just being like well you know just another place that smelled weird. Yeah. Yeah. And it's weird to make that conclusion and be like

that would terrify me to have to say conclusively. Yeah, it's fine. And then everybody goes back in and dies. We use our stink detector. Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine. It's just a weird smell.

Yeah, there are so many jobs that just have too much responsibility for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doctor. Yeah. Doctor, hazmat, swat. Doctor, hazmat, swat.mat yeah law or order frankly i saw this week speaking of seeing just the hazmat pull up i was just walking across the street i turned around and a police battering ram was driving down the street yipes like their assault vehicle with the thing on the

front to knock down doors. Whoa. Yeah. Where it was headed? You know, probably their old lady's house. He's been in the dog house. Yeah. Cut out the battering ram. You know what? I think it was probably Fred Flintstone's house because the cat had thrown him outside.

Oh, yeah. Then they were driving it just with their little feet. Yeah. Yeah. Wilma. Or the Beast Beast Kill the Beast With one of those big logs Do you remember the townspeople?

Do you remember the townspeople? You haven't seen Beauty and the Beast? Haven't seen that, haven't seen Little Mermaid But you knew that new one fought like Gaston I know the songs That's cool You'll see the Presumably at some... You'll see the...

Presumably at some point you'll see Beauty and the Beast. Yeah. And the remake of Beauty and the Beast. I think we have it on our PVR. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Once it's out of the vault or... You'll see this weird Aladdin with Will Smith as the genie.

Well, I've seen Aladdin, the original. And this weird Will Smith one looks good. Have you seen it? Have you seen the picture of it? No. Oh, yeah. Will Smith has got... He's got a it? Have you seen the picture of it? No. Oh, yeah. Will Smith has got. He's got a real genie look going on.

What does it mean? He's got kind of like a top ponytail coming out of the middle of his head. Oh, yeah. Like a soul patch that's also very long. Yeah. Oh, yes. And Will Smith's face. Yeah.

Picture Will Smith's face. His own face. Yeah. Picture the Willenium. Heium he's yeah it's his aged beautifully wow smith um and then an unknown as aladdin uh and as jasmine yeah maybe they're known i don't know and he's wearing a shirt under his vest which people are like come on oh yeah right because that cartoon did something 20 years ago. We're mad you're not doing what it is.

You're ruining my childhood. Yeah, right. That was filled with Aladdin's pecs. Sort of. It was my very own. Who was your cartoon crush? Robin Hood, baby.

The fox? Yeah, it's classic. Yeah, that fox really got around. Yeah, he was hot. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I can't explain why. Because his head's shaped like a perfect diamond. Like he's got tufts on the top.

Well, those aren't girls' best friends. Oh, I guess that's why. Well, call me cliche, but I really go for a diamond headed animated pot I don't know who my cartoon crush is Jessica Rabbit yeah oh that's a good one

wow wow wee wow yeah yeah um wait is she from Who Framed Roger Rabbit yeah

yeah yeah sure although I also liked uh Cool World yeah I don't have any from like innocent times I have all my don't have any from like innocent times. I have all my

cartoon crushes are from like discovering my body with a hand mirror. Oh, that's nice though. Whatever he wants you to do. Yeah, everybody should do it. Yeah. If you haven't done it today,

that's my New Year's resolution. Oh yeah, do it every day. Take a picture. I got it. Take a picture next to your breakfast with today's newspaper yeah and then you can change up your breakfast

and see if there's any cause and effect I bought a calendar that has 365 hand mirrors yeah you pull one off every day until Christmas compact calendar

yeah that's nice what about yours cartoon crushes? Jessica Rabbit. And then probably when I was younger, probably a Minnie Mouse, I guess. Oh, yeah. Would have filled that spot. I was trying to think of who would have been younger.

Not the girl animaniac. No, but when I was, like, really young, you know, on the Muppets, there's the band. Janice? Janice, yeah, from the band. I think I had a crush on her when I was a little kid. The one with the blonde hair, like, the bangs. Yeah. Like, she would have been played by Lisa Kudrow had they made a live action oh and now they must i thought you said that yeah but if

they're not live action yeah and it's just like like what you were describing of the first idea of the ninja turtles movie with billy crystal painted green yeah. Animal is just like Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. John Hodgman would be Dr. Bunsen. Yeah. Oh, and there's a real part. This is a not story. There's a real person who looks like that eagle.

Do you know the blue eagle? Sam Eagle. Sam Eagle. Yeah. There's a person who looks like him. I always think Sam Waterston looked like him. Yeah. That wasn't who I was

thinking of, but he totally does. Same kind of bushy brows and kind of frowny face. I think there's a lot of judgmental dads who could play it. Oh, for sure. I could also see who's Peterman in Seinfeld? John O'Hurley.

Yeah. Former host of Family Feud yeah no way he was in between Al Borland and Steve Harvey yeah

um this is the other thing that's been going on there should be a Mount Rushmore of just the host of Family Feud sure

Gene Rayburn was he the first sure and then Ray Combs Ray Combs and then that would be bigger than Mount Rushmore it needs to be yeah Was he the first? Sure. And then Ray Combs. Ray Combs. And then that would be bigger than Mount Rushmore.

It needs to be. Yeah, that's true. But they could call it Round Mushmore. Round Mushmore. Yeah. Mushmore. And the other thing that's going on is I've been going to a diner where... Cheaper than therapy. Absolutely.

Where this one server, when she brings the food, instead of saying, enjoy, she says, enjoy it. Seems like that should be followed by, for it will be your last. It just seems so, so threatening. But she's not saying it in a threatening tone. And she doesn't, like, it's just that every time she brings over food, it's, enjoy it. I always found it weird that Coca-Cola always had a tiny little enjoy above the logo. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, enjoy Coca-Cola.

Yeah. Yeah, it's the same thing. Like, it's quite imperative. Yeah. Yeah. Like, it's, yeah, it's like part of the directions. Yes, she's accidentally pressing caps. Like when she puts down your order.

Enjoy it. Yeah, it's just a bit intense. Yeah. Is she, are you doing a voice or is she like an east german spy no yeah i'm doing a voice she just comes over and goes enjoy it and and but it's it's weird right i'm not weird for thinking that's weird no i no not at all okay no that's not why you're weird. Unrelated. Yeah. Unrelated.

Yeah. It also, just calling the food it. Yeah. There's something about that that seems just a bit off, too. Yeah. I mean, it'd be fine if she was like, how was it? That would be fine. Oh, yeah. That's true.

Do you think she should gender the food? Enjoy her. Yeah. I like my food to, you know, feel like a boat yeah thank you yeah yeah set sail on my meal and she christens it with a big bottle of champagne smashes it over your but like like a mimosa so nice yum 2019 yeah it also just seems like if she was like enjoy your eggs or enjoy your club sandwich then then it'd be like, okay. What if she said, enjoy this?

That would be very weird as well. Yeah. Enjoy this. Take this. Enjoy that. Yeah. Yeah. There's no way to make it.

Yeah. Or she says, analyze this. Yeah. Then I shrug like Billy Crystal on the cover of ninja turtles uh yeah painted green they're both shrugging aren't they yeah maybe maybe one's crossing there robert de niro's shrugging yeah because he must he must that's how he acts he's a shrug actor and a squint actor shrug addict yes what shrug addict oh like drug addict yeah oh i literally didn't even yeah really graham you were hip and awake you were hip and awake cool well do you guys want

to move on to some overheards if not business all right graham yes do you know what's smart uh obviously not look i'm wearing my clothes backwards and it's not crisscross day. When is crisscross day? Uh, February 13th, the day before Valentine's day. All right. Well, you got me dead to right. Well, no, I don't know what's smart. Well, kicking off 2019 by planning out which roles you need to hire for. And you can start by using the smartest way to hire. Zip Recruiter. Thanks to me.

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and then we like to share them in the comfort of this studio. We always like to start with the guest. Tess, would you lead the charge? Yes, I would love to. You reminded me yesterday that I needed one of these. And I realized, oh, I don't ever listen to anyone anywhere. I have my headphones on and I'm trying to disappear. So I took my headphones off and here's what I heard.

It was two guys. One, they were greeting each other out in the street. Typical guys. Yeah, saying hello. That was it. Isn't guys. Yeah, say it hello. That was it. Isn't it great? That's not bad. But they were behind me and so I couldn't hear what they were talking about. And one just said,

isn't that heavy, bro? And the other guy said, yeah, I thought it might be, but turns out it's been perfect for the weather. It's a good peacoat. Oh, nice. Yeah. I thought he might be, but turns out it's been perfect for the weather. It's a good peacoat. Oh, nice. Yeah. You need a new peacoat in this weather. I thought he was talking about, you know, like an emotional stage.

Yeah. Yeah. I thought he was maybe just talking about a Christmas gift. Yeah. But I just love, like, the one guy's concern for the other. He's like, God, that material, that looks too heavy. Yeah. Like, are you okay?

You're my bro. You're my bro.'re my bro i'm worried about you as a bro i put you before hoes bro to bro that's a heavy coat yeah when was this yesterday this was yesterday it was very hot yeah it was piping yeah the sun came out sun came up came out and was we broke records yeah really uh-? So he was right to be concerned. Yeah, this guy's going to get heat stroke. That guy's coat. It's too heavy, bro.

It's double-breasted. Broke coat. Yeah, exactly. And then there was one other one that's really short. Hit us. You want to? Yeah, should I or do you? If you would prefer us to go around, we can.

Let's go away. Let's go away. Okay, last week I admonished Graham for his overheard. I felt his overheard was lacking because he overheard someone ask for mushrooms on a hot dog. Which I thought was very weird. And then karma came back to bite me in the ass. As today I was like, oh, I don't have an overheard. I got it.

Oh, my God. Is that an overheard? I saw a truck drive by. It was a Dennis the locksmith. Is that funny? It's not not funny. Is that a funny neighbor? It's funny in your desperation.

Sweating. So I, there's, up on Broadway, there's a section that's four, four businesses in a row. And they all have a, they all have awnings with the names of the companies on them. And they all have a, they all have awnings with the names of the companies on them. And I, so I looked all these companies up because I see all four of them and I know one of them must be a weed place. But based on the names of them, you wouldn't, like they all could be. Yeah. Okay. So the names of them are Thunderbird Vapes.

Okay. Yeah. Quantum Holistic Health. Oh, yeah. Oh, big time. Vancouver Gold. Oh, yeah. And Sunrise Wellness.

Yeah, you're right. Which of these is a dispensary? I'm going to go with Quantum. What is it? Quantum Holistic Health. Oh, yeah. Quantum Physics Health. Yeah, Quantum Holistic Health. Sunrise. It's Sunrise Wellness. Sunrise. health? Oh, yeah. Quantum physics health. Yeah, quantum holistic health.

Sunrise. It's sunrise wellness. Sunrise. Really? How did you know? I just felt it, like, because it's vague enough. Right. They're keeping themselves protected.

Yeah, like sunrise doesn't really, doesn't mean anything, but it kind of does. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, are we talking, like, we're talking wake and bake? Yeah. We're fucking talking wake and bake. It's in Vancouver, every business that you don't know what it is, is either a dispensary or an escape room.

An escape room. Oh, yeah. Or if you're in Gastown, a Persian rug store. An escape room. Escape rooms pretty pretty rough names sometimes yeah yeah yeah a lot of the baseball players nowadays i was setting you up for your classic escape escape room escape what it's getting reordered escape room who's on escape room um uh who's on manor and the other the uh so i'm piecing together what may or may not be an overseen or overheard the other one margo watches this show sometimes called true in the rainbow kingdom oh i love that show it's very

cute it's so cute but i just found it funny that that they had the names of the creators of the show. And two of them are named Jeff Borkin and Samuel Borkson. Borkin and Borkson. Oh, that is amazing. I went to high school with this guy named Chad Slobodin. And then I went to a grad ceremony at a high school that I did not attend. And I watched someone named Chadwick Slobodian collect their degree. Wow.

Yeah. So I don't know. I only hope that they found each other. Chad and Chadwick Slobodian Slobodian. Yeah. Yeah. I think Chad Slobodian is short for Chadwick Slobodian. It feels like that.

And the L feels like just long, just a bit longer and the same. Chadwick Slobodian was Black Panther. Oh, he's done so well. I was proud to be there at his grad. Yeah. In Regina. His gradwick. Now, what's up your overheard?

Mine is courtesy of the, I was at the thrift shop. Poppin' Tags? That was Poppin' Tags. mine is courtesy of the I was at the thrift shop and I was in the popping tags? I was popping tags I was in the DVD I was in the book aisle and there was a kid in the DVD aisle how come Macklemore

doesn't have anything in his phone I don't know let me finish my overheard there was a kid in the in the DVD aisle and I all I heard him say

he ran up to a DVD and went Shrek urgh and I all I heard him say he ran up to a DVD and went Shrek! What is it good for? Yeah. I think I more than made up for last week. That's brilliant.

I want to hang out around that kid. Also just around. He's excited for just Shrek. Like, there's been so many Shreks. Yeah. He was excited for the original on DVD. Oh, man. That's amazing.

Yeah. I mean, I want to just. I want all of the Shreks. Yeah. For Christmas. All I want for Christmas is Shrek. Fill my stocking with the duplex and Shrek. Sign your Shreks on the line, Santa Shrek-y.

Santa Donkey. Oh my God, hurry down my Farquaad tonight. It's nothing. It's a rhyme. It's nothing. No, but it's not tonight. It's nothing. It's a rhyme. It's nothing. No, but it's not nothing. It's canon. It's great.

Now, Tess, you had another over her? Oh, this is really barely anything. Well, you know what? New year, new you. Yeah. You know what? I feel empowered now. Thank you.

Yeah, there was a guy on the phone who I just passed and he just went, yeah, no. Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. No updates on the rat. That was it.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if there's a rat sighted inside anywhere, you want updates. You want updates. Also, there's probably eight or nine.

Yeah. If you spotted one. Yeah. You got to take that wall down. Cause, uh, that wall's made or nine. Yeah, that's true. Maybe he spotted one. Yeah, you gotta take that wall down because that wall's made of rats. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

he, I also wondered if it was code for, like, in my mind, I was like, oh, maybe it's, like,

code for, like, a rat at the office. Oh, like someone snitching on him? Yeah, like, maybe he's from the 50s

and that's how we. And his office is very high stakes. Yeah. He works in the office upstairs from Oz. That's what he's one of the admins. The rat is still used because like isn't didn't Trump just use that phrase like this week or something? He's not hip. Yeah.

Oh, I disagree. No, he's cool. He's cool. Yeah. I don't think. Oh, I disagree. No, he's cool. He's cool. Yeah. I don't know why this just popped into my head. Do you guys follow Cher on Twitter? Yeah. She had this really great tweet,

I think about like once a day, which was just a picture of Trump playing tennis. And it just said, mammoth ass visible panty line mammoth ass I think about it every day I feel like when I'm getting

dressed I'm like mammoth ass visible panty line oh man yeah Sheriff she's

she's an untapped resource when it comes to humor she is very good on Twitter

for someone who seems like they don't quite get it yeah like her sometimes it'll be all emoji oh yeah or just like roses that spell fuck yeah and you're like yeah why not and she'll report like she'll reply to people yeah yeah she's definitely i don't know like like she was on a comedy show in the 60s. Like she knows she's got timing, you know? Oh, yeah.

And that's what you need on Twitter. You got to have timing. It's about timing. It's tragedy plus timing, actually. Minus timing, it's just tragedy. That's true. She sang background vocals on some Phil Spector songs. So think about that.

She knows comedy. Yeah. Now, we also have overheard sent in from people all over the place. If you want to send one in, you can send it into spy at maximumfun.org. And this first one comes from Ryan in Houston. This is a guy. This is at, I don't know where this is. It's in Houston somewhere.

But a guy saying, it's not the size of the boat. It's the motion of the ocean. His wife, with no hesitation, and other stories told by people with small dicks. Meow. Yeah, well played, wife of that guy. Yeah, I like the detail that she didn't miss a beat because it implies that he says this all the time yeah but also like why is she she's like just so unsatisfied all the time i don't know as he's moving the ocean around as he's constantly mucking with the ocean yeah mucking with the ocean the ocean. You know, we don't call it making love.

Call it mucking with the ocean. All right, honey. I'm like a supervillain and I've managed to harness the power of the ocean. Just get a bigger boat. I beg of you. This next one comes from Bruce from Rockland, Ontario. Do you know where Rockland, Ontario is? No, never heard of you. This next one comes from Bruce from Rockland, Ontario. Do you know where Rockland, Ontario is? No, never heard of it.

Me neither. But they've got a Walmart there. I can tell you that. Wait in line. Is there a Kim Mitchell song called Rockland? Is that about that? He performed at Regina on Y2K. Tell me more.

We need more details about this. At Regina. Yeah, he came to our casino. And he was on Y2K? On Y2K. Wow. And it was all the rage. I remember hearing the ads on the local radio station.

I didn't go. I was too young. Wow. Yeah, I was Y2Young. Or Y2Young. They should have, I mean, you should have. Just take it again. Yeah. Could I just do take it again. Yeah.

Could I just do a quick drop? Yeah. You should have planned on the computers all going down and the ID checking computer. Oh, yeah. I planned for that. I'm just going to go in at 12.01. They'll let me in. Yeah.

He'll still be on stage. Computer's check ID now. Mm-hmm. Back in 1999. In 1999. So this is Bruce from Rockland. Oh, the Kim Mitchell song. Yeah. Waiting in line at Walmart

when the cashier says to the older woman she was serving, Wow, I like what you did to your hair. The older woman replies, Thanks, I just put it on and left the house. Great. If you're somebody who wears wigs, you get to drop that kind of surprise maybe once

a week. Somebody compliments you on your hair. Boom, it's a wig. See you later. Serves you right for complimenting me. I can't wait till I get to the stage in my life where I'm wearing wigs. Just wigs every day. I wonder, because your hair is so long. It's beautiful, by the way.

Thank you. But you would, would you keep it long in the back? No, I would just. If you went bald on top? No, I would do the full Lex Luthor and then just wear a variety of wigs. A bob? Do you think you'd wear a bob? I'd wear just about anything, wig-wise.

That's amazing. Like a beetle wig? Yeah, I'd wear a beetle wig. I'd wear like an Andy Warhol and wear, you know, something, you know, maybe just a,

just a strip, maybe a mohawk, you know, wear that for the day. Oh, I guess you don't need a bald cap. A mohawk wig. But the idea that the rest

is just netting over your head. And this final one comes from Nick in London. My wife is a school teacher for a class of seven and eight year olds. Yesterday, they went on a school trip to a nearby church. On entering the church, one of the children, who had clearly been confused as to what a church was, exclaimed, Oh, it's a wedding castle. That's pretty. It seems like that would be the German compound word for it.

Yes, totally. Oh, we're in a wedding castle. Yeah, a wedding castle. Oh, I love that so much. Oh, a wedding castle. I get it. My parents called something different than church. wedding castle. I get it.

My parents call it something different than church. There's a this sort of like train display. Like a Christmas train that runs outside Margo's preschool and she's pointing out all the things in the little town.

Like oh and there's the there's the church over there with the rainbow glass. Stained glass. Oh oh yeah and were you like that's just stained glass yeah come on grow up yeah that's uh i think we need to send you away to bible camp yeah teach you about glass yeah when when do you learn i don't like i remember when i was a kid you had to make some kind of stained glass out of tissue paper or something yeah you had to i feel like that was that was one of the six crafts that you had to yeah the other one is a turkey hand turkey hand yeah tissue paper stained glass we uh we just put up an apple that looks

like an old man's face oh that's pretty advanced for a kid. Yeah, that's pretty good. Are you using a knife? Oh, yeah, I guess that was a knife. We just brought home a Christmas ornament that is a pine cone. Oh, yeah, pine cone. Oh, that's nice, with just like a string. And glitter on it.

And glitter. Yeah, macaroni just on a page. Macaroni on a page. Yeah. Those rings, construction paper rings. Oh, sure, into a chain. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that was hard.

I remember my hands getting so colorful afterwards. It doesn't ever really come off. Yeah. You still have blue hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you would like to call us, the phone number is 1-844-779-7631.

That's one. Ugh. Spy pod one. Like these people have. Hi, Graham, Dave, Impossible Guest. This is Siri calling in from Victoria with an overheard. I was walking down the street the other day, and there was a lady walking down the street with two little girls, the younger of who is probably six.

And I heard her say to the younger one, no, no one has to go on Survivor unless they want to. Oh! Mommy, will I have to go on Survivor? So sweet. I love that it just sounds like that's something the kids are telling each other at school, like it's an urban legend.

Or like your dad has been threatening you with going on Survivor. Yeah. If you don't smarten up. Yeah, you're going to have to form an alliance with Team Goliath. I'm going to introduce you to Jeff Probst, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Is it still him? Yep.

It's still him, yeah. Now drop your buffs, son. What is that? That's when the buffs determine which team they're on. Oh, yeah. When they drop their buffs, the team portion is over. I see. Oh.

I've only, I watched an episode of it this season, and not Jack White. Mike White. Mike White was on it. That struck me as very odd. He's already been on, he's the director and actor and he's already been on The Amazing Race. The Amazing Race. Yeah.

This isn't, no, no, no. I was thinking Mike Judge. No, but it's, but it's a guy that's like famous like that. Weird. Yeah, but he was,

I like, he was in School of Rock is what I, yeah. He was the teacher that Jack Black, oh boy,

it's a real black and white world here's your next phone call hi dave graham and glittering guests um how'd they know nikita in washington dc um with an overhe for you. I was leaving the gym the other day and I passed by this guy on the phone, so I only caught his end of the conversation. But as I walked past him, he said, So, apparently you're not in jail right now? What gives? Yeah.

I was told specifically that you would be in jail. I hope that's just how he responds when someone answers their phone. Anyone. Oh, so apparently you're not in jail.

Oh, so you apparently get a phone call. Yeah. That's the person's excuse for not getting back to you. I don't know. I was in jail. I'm sorry.

Well, we missed you at the Christmas party. Oh, you were in jail? Well, okay. You're not anymore, so see you at New Year's. I was talking to your parole officer today. Although going to jail does get you out of a lot of things. Yeah, that's true. There's nothing like doing a stretch that gets you out of any kind of things. Yeah, that's true. There's nothing like doing a stretch that

gets you out of any kind of party obligation, any kind of family thing. Yeah. In my experience, really nothing beats jail in a lot of ways. What are the other ways? If you could name two. No, name ten.

No. Jumpsuits, I guess. Yeah. Future stories. That's true. Again, these are not things it gets you out of. Right. Sounds bad.

Jail sounds bad. Yeah, jail's bad. Yeah. Yeah, jail's bad. I mean. But spelling it G-A-O-L, that's good. Jowl? Yeah, isn't that how they used to spell spelling it G-A-O-L, that's good. Jowl? Yeah, isn't that how they used to spell it?

G-A-O-L? Like a jailer? It was like G-A-O-L-E-R. Wow. Sure. And church is a wedding castle, maybe. Here's your final overheard. Hi, Dave and Graham. This is Liz from New West passing on an overheard hi Dave and Graham

this is Liz from New West passing on an overheard from some of my friends they were outside standing on the street vaping and a woman walked by them and asked them for a cigarette and they said no and gestured to their vape and said that's all you had

with them and the woman said aww you kids and your steam machines you kids and your steam machines. You kids and your steam machines. It is very, because nobody's going to ask, can I just like, can I honk on that vape?

I mean, maybe people will ask, but you don't have to. Yeah, it feels rhetorical. Yeah. It implies an answer. But like, yeah, maybe the days of asking to bum a cigarette. Yeah, it's all steam machine now. Yeah. Hey, can you clean my car with that steam machine?

That caller, that was Liz from New West. I think she maybe sent in the most overheards in 2018. Congratulations. So, we salute you, Liz. Caller of the year. That's awesome. It really is a good challenge

to like listen to the world and not look at the ground. Right? Yeah. Tune everything out. Well,

just tell Dennis the locksmith. When he's putting mushrooms on his hot dog. Yeah. Right? Well, this is the end of the show. Tess, you've got this show. It's going to be touring through the lower mainland in January?

It is. So until mid-February, it's called Blind Date. And it's going kind of, I don't want to say everywhere, but a bunch of places. New West, Liz, we're coming to you. Look it up on the internet. Yeah, that's where. And then if people want to find you online, where do they find you? Oh, I don't, Twitter, at my name, Tess Degenstein, same with Instagram.

Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for being our guest. Oh, thanks so much for having me. It was nice to meet you. Yeah, it was nice to meet you too. Nice to Thank you so much for being our guest. Oh, thanks so much for having me. It was nice to meet you. Yeah. It was nice to meet you too. Nice to see you again.

You too. Yeah. We'll get to, uh, see what, what, what game is going on outside this door. Margo's really jabbering out of that door.

Um, we have a show, uh, next month, February 17th as part of JFL Northwest live at the Rio. It's a live podcast called Stop Podcasting Yourself, and it's going to be

on Michael Jordan's birthday, and I haven't cleared this with Graham, but I think we should get some big jeans. I want to do that. I want to get the something maybe that has some sort of gems on them yep

so yeah that's so far all we've come up with for this show big jeans big jeans Michael Jordan's birthday oh boy

we could show our favorite clips of our own Space Jam yeah yeah these are Michael Jordan things

we can incorporate yes that website's still up the Space Jam the original Space Jam yeah yeah you can go Jordan things we can incorporate yes that website's still up the space jam the original space jam yeah

you can go it's like Warner Brothers backslash space jam it's like a relic yeah

oh man well let's go there right now so you can find tickets for that at the space jam

website no at JFL Northwest on their website but yeah it'll be there's a show earlier that night that a lot of people are interested in. And with Paul F. Tompkins and Mark Evan Jackson. And let me tell you this, you can go to both.

Yeah. You don't have to choose. I've heard some people say, too bad it's on the same night. They're far enough away. You can go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can have law and order. You can have law and order.

That's not a bad bus ad for law and order. Thanks so much for listening. If you like the show, please tell your friends and come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.