Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 698 - Helen Hong

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

Comedian Helen Hong joins us to talk diaper blowouts, the Olympics, and tiny airplanes.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 678 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who I bet isn't wearing a bathing suit like shorts as I am doing right now, Mr. Dave Shumka. No, I'm wearing shorts as a bathing suit. It's 698, Graham, not 678. Oh, sorry. Yeah. And heat exhaustion. But yeah.

What's happening with your shorts? Everything's just too sweaty. So now I'm going... Now, you're a man who doesn't own like shorts. You just cut off all your jeans. I cut up my jeans. That's right. Yeah.

And it's too hot for that. Yeah. So bathing suit it is. And you know what? I just will rock this look as long as the heat. Is this your only... You only own the one bathing suit it is and uh you know what i just will rock this look as long as the heat is this your only you only own the one bathing suit i assume yeah and i don't even know why i own this one i've been swimming in like 20 years so well it's just like riding a bike you'll be fine uh our guest today uh very funny comedian is the co-host of uh fellow max funds uh go fact yourself it's helen

hong everybody hello hello uh i too am wearing a cut off bathing suit wait wait wait that's not that's two different things i cut the trunks off of mine to make it into like a speedo yeah you turned your trunks into a banana hammock and when it gets this hot you need a banana hammock and yeah how hot is it where you are hella uh it's pretty warm but it's la so there's there's no humidity usually so it's pretty warm i'd say it's probably 94. Oh, we do Fahrenheit here. Sorry. Sorry.

So you're going to have to do the conversion for the rest of the world. Yeah. Boy, yeah, that's like, you know, that's like 31. That's pretty hot. That's pretty hot if that's what you have. Yeah, it's something like 90, 92, 93, 94, something like that. But without the humidity, it's actually, if you're in the shade, it's not that bad. We had a heat wave here about a month ago.

And apparently we're having another heat wave now, but it feels fine compared to the last one. It's hot, man. It's stinking hot. We had a heat wave. I think our heat wave was around the same time as your heat wave, because if you're in Vancouver, we have a similar weather system, right? Like, whatever weather you have eventually makes its way down here.

Then it's nice. It turns nice in between. Yeah, it's filtered through Washington, and then by the time it gets to la oh boy washington is the the coffee filter yeah exactly for us we um yeah and we actually bought a portable air conditioner at costco oh nice which was broken the second it came out of the box. And now we have to deal with a return to Costco of a gigantic air conditioner. I hear that Costco, they don't even need a receipt sometimes.

They'll just take it even at, you know, at your base value. I think that is probably true. Although it's not that it's not the returning aspect. It's the schlepping this gigantic box into my car, schlepping it to Costco, schlepping it out of the car, schlepping it into the... It's a lot of schlepping. You should employ a friend to do this with you. Yeah, I think that's what I'm going to do. You should hire movers.

friend to do this with you. I think that's what I'm going to do. You should hire movers. We're getting too old to ask our friends to bring stuff back to Costco for us. Or make friends with movers. So there you go. How about pizza and beer, guys? Yeah, well, you know what? Costco has really good pizza.

I don't think I've ever had pizza at Costco. No? Yeah, well, the hot dogs are good, too. And I think the soft serve. That reminds me of my go-to eating establishment that's also a retail spot is Ikea.

Mm-hmm. Because, you know, they have hella good snacks. Yeah. And I have this really funny sort of like this strange

but kind of heartening about humanity story where I went, I was, I done my shopping at Ikea and I was like, Oh, I'll get a slice of pizza. And I look at the menu and the slice of pizza is 75 cents. And I'm like, Whoa,

a slice of pizza at Ikea, 75 cents. Yeah. Hell yeah. So I ordered the slice of pizza. I give the guy a dollar. Yeah. And he goes, oh, do you have 75 cents? And I go, no. Like I'm thinking he just needs change, right? So he goes,

do you have 75 cents? I go, no. And he goes, then he goes, um, okay. And I go, aren't you going to give me give me my quarterback and he goes it's it's a dollar 75 and i look up in the menu and i realize i have misread the price it's actually a dollar 75 and not 75 cents this guy was just gonna let me walk away because he asked me for the 75 cents i said i don't have it and he was like um okay like he was just gonna let me walk away and then here i am like where's my other quarter asshole yeah they probably told him like not to piss off the customer so whatever they want even if they want a cheaper slice of pizza yeah i think that's like a good strategy just just like there was just i'm not

stealing i'm paying for it yeah and and, but he was just so zen about it. And he's probably making less than minimum wage. But he was just like... Yeah, it's been known to pay less than minimum wage. Right? He's probably making $7. And he's like, all right, sure. Yeah.

And I just thought it was kind of a funny and cute story that he was going to let me walk away with that. I bet you that guy tells his side of the story as like a fun little chat. Yeah. So, yeah, it goes both ways. Do we want to get to know us? Yeah. Get to know us. Helen. Yes. Tell us what's been going on for you in the last little while i mean obviously things have been weird but la has opened up quite a bit and closed back up yeah oh shit

really my show um two nights ago yeah i had a show on tuesday no. Was it last night? Yeah, it was last night. I had a show last night that was canceled. Wow. Because the venue was like, there's too much COVID happening again. We're canceling your show. Oh, that's. And it was a rooftop. It was a rooftop show. Oh, wow.

So as comedy shows go, it was probably one of the safer ones. Except in case you fall off. Yeah. Yeah. There's always that. Or if your material is really toxic, then it's dangerous there as well. Yeah, or like acid rain.

Or like bird poop or something. But in regards to COVID, an outdoor rooftop show is going to be one of the safest comedy shows that you can attend. Unless there's an even higher rooftop show with a bunch of unvaccinated people they're just spitting down um so i was surprised and then also the comedy store here you know it's a big very big comedy club here called the comedy store they shut down on tuesday to implement new covid protocols and to train their staff

in their latest new COVID protocols. So I feel like in a sense, like the businesses might be getting like the real information from the city and the city is telling them like, it's really bad. So you guys have to really take it seriously. So it sucks. Yeah. Yeah, it seriously. So that sucks.

Yeah. Yeah, it sucks. Like it's the numbers are spiking. There's an L.A. surge of the Delta variant. I now I've also heard of a bunch of vaccinated folks who have caught COVID. What? Yes. That's not in the program.

That's not what we set up between us and this virus. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. I mean, if the vaccine is 96% effective, that's like there's no chance. Well, I guess there's a 4%. I can't believe I trusted you to do the math on the Fahrenheit because now I have no confidence in your math skills. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was just guessing.

Yeah. Yeah. So, people who I mean, I was just guessing. Yeah. Yeah. So I. Yeah. So people who are vaccinated are getting it. People feel good story of the year. Yeah. People are unvaccinated are definitely getting it.

So it's kind of it's kind of scary. And the scary thing for me and why I plan to not really be doing stand-up much anymore now is I have a brand new baby in the house. Shut up. I have an 11-week-old baby. Did it just move in or what? Yeah, it just appeared one day. Cool. Like a stray cat, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Sometimes you see videos of raccoons that'll suddenly pop into your house. Yeah. The baby came in through a ceiling tile. The doggy door. Yeah, the doggy door. The baby came in through the doggy door. And it's 11 weeks, so we couldn't be like, yo, exit.

Out. Out with you now. Out. That's amazing. Congratulations. Yeah. Thank you. I feel like I have to tell a shortened version of the full story, which is that I didn't physically have this baby.

Okay. The baby did not exit out of my body in any way. Okay. So my sister slash roommate who lives on the other side of this wall had a baby. Oh, wow. other side of this wall had a baby oh wow she is she is what's called a single mother by choice but because i live with her i am a single mother by no choice just no choice no nobody asked this kid nope so now i live with a so so we're two korean american sisters with a baby. Wow. Yeah.

Is your sister older or younger? I won't say. She's younger. Okay. She's younger. I was trying to be all mysterious. Has she always been, like growing up, was she always like bringing babies into the house? I don't know.

I don't know the line of questioning she's always liked children yeah um and i have not but now you're gonna have to you know like in a sitcom you're gonna have to make it work uh yeah is uh is this your first niece and or nephew? Yes. This is the first baby in our family, and we don't know anything about babies. Are you reading books or watching YouTube tutorials? I'm not. I'm not. She is.

And I'm just getting secondhand trickling down information. How much baby one-on-one time are you getting with the baby at this point? I am getting it's my sister's pretty good. Like she's not working at the moment. She's on maternity leave and she really wants to be a hands-on mom. So she only thrusts the baby at me when she's really, really needing a nap, which is once a day. Oh, that's not bad. Once a day for eight hours. Once a day. Yeah.

So once a day, once to twice a day, I will have the baby for like a couple of hours or if she's got to go out. Right. You know, she's got like doctor's appointments and things like that.

So I take the baby for a couple of hours. The last time she left the house, though, she left for almost four hours and I almost killed the baby multiple times so i told her two and a half hours is my limit after that all bets are off like yeah i assume

i assume by accident yeah yeah oh yeah yeah i mean i you know i i wouldn't i would make it look like an accident no but i i so i learned the term shit show can Can I say that word? Yes. Yeah. Okay. The term shit show comes from child rearing. Most certainly because I experienced a literal shit show the day that my sister left for four hours. I was shat on. Congrats. Thank you. Not to kink shame, but I'm not into it.

Sure. No kink shaming here. If that's your thing, great. But I learned now of unequivocally, since it's happened multiple times, this girl doesn't want to be shit. Well, no shit. That's an important thing to learn about yourself. Yeah. They taught us that in sex ed is like have some kind of scat experience and see if you like it.

Thumbs down for me. Just wait for the right partner. Or the right scat. Maybe it was the scat in question. Anyway, so they do this thing called a diaper blowout. Yeah. Which is it just the diaper cannot contain the amount of poop that's coming out. And so there was shit, and it was such a huge diaper blowout.

It was like all up his back. I mean, the entire back of his onesie was just shit. And then I've got shit all over my leg and the bottom of my T-shirt. So I'm like, okay, I need to bathe this person, because we're now both covered in shit yeah so i'm in the bathroom trying to take off this shit covered onesie so now there's shit in his hair there's shit on his hands like it's gotten all over his hands and you know babies they put their hands in their mouth so i'm like okay is he now eating shit yeah has he has he at shit already

like that when i wasn't looking he'll just shit it out don't worry about that i mean literal shit show and i almost dropped the baby because shit is slippery i mean it was yeah but you did it you got through it yeah i did i i have two daughters. Oh. The first was just incompatible with diapers. It's like she was European and we were buying North American diapers. It was just, they would go on. She was like, I did not like this diaper. What do you call it? This diaper is bullshit.

I am telling you that now. But we had a blowout every day. Oh. But we got these onesies. I think they were from H&M, but you can also get them at Uniqlo, that snap across the body, and so you don't have to pull them down or up. Yes.

Over the baby. Yes. And that's the gift we give to every uh every parent those are clutch and i don't understand why those onesies that go over the head and shoulders exist yeah you can also pull them down there's no because the neck is tight oh you you have like a, like a turtleneck? Yeah, turtleneck onesie. Oh, like the,

wait, am I doing it all wrong? Am I doing it all wrong all this time? No, there's a neck hole which is smaller than the torso.

It usually has some give to it, but, but, but maybe this is like a very fancy onesie. I mean, it's, it's just, and you know, they don't want to, they don't cooperate. No.

Babies. They're not like, you're not like, hey, put your arm through the sleeve. He's not just going to put his arm through the sleeve. You have to manually put his arm through the sleeve without breaking his shoulder. I know the Jetsons promised us that a robot would do this. I mean, uh, Elroy was a real handful.

He was blowing out all over the place. That's why his pants were so big. Yeah. And those big pants. Um, is this, uh, having this child in the house?

They always say, if you have a kid you get an instant hour of material is it doing anything for you? 100% I shot a special saying don't mention the special it's been cancelled

I was just talking about it how did you know I shot a special Oh, I was just talking about it. How did you know? I shot a special in New York a month ago, a month and a half ago, as part of the Tribeca Film Festival. Oh, cool. And it was one of the first events. So the Tribeca Film Festival is trying to rebrand as like the Tribeca Festival.

So it's not just film. Now they do comedy and they do music and live events and TED Talks and things like that. So they're branching out and they made this big deal that this year, the Tribeca Festival is going to be the way that New York City opens back up from the pandemic. City opens back up from the pandemic. So I get this call a month before the festival and they're like Hey Helen, we would like to tape your big

one hour comedy special. And I'm like, oh. Cool. Great timing because it's not like I've been in the fetal position for a year and a half. And it's not like I've been in the fetal position for a year and a half. And it's not like I have a three-week-old baby in the house.

It's not like I'm just covered in potato chip dust. Yeah, exactly. Chocolate just smeared all over my face. Yeah, so, I mean, I have to say yes, obviously. Like, it every stand up comedian's dream to be offered a big, big comedy special. You know, it's the big company that does all the it's comedy dynamics. They do most of the big specials. Yeah. HBO and Netflix and stuff.

So I'm like, yes, I have to say yes. But holy shit, the timing could not be worse. Yeah. Oh, my God. I literally haven't been on stage in a year and a half so so has this come and gone or yeah so i did it i did it uh a month and a half ago and they're editing it now and the way that they do i think the way that comedy dynamics does is they edit it and then they chop it around so i don't know what venue it's gonna be you know what venue it's going to be, you know, what platform it's going to be on or when or anything like that.

But it exists. Do you think you could get it on Quibi? Do you think you could get it on Quibi? Is it too late, Quibi? Yeah. What about, what was the, never mind. I can't remember any of the other defunct networks. Wasn't there, what was the one that driving in cars with comedians?

Crackle? Was it on Crackle? Oh yeah, Crackle. Guys, you missed my special on Crackle? Yeah. So offended. She has a special coming out on Crackle. Please welcome. You just hear one person in back. Yeah. The wickedly talented

Helen Holmes. One slow clap. Sad slow clap clap and it's me i'm the one who's sadly slowly clapping um was the uh was it a big crowd or a small crowd what were you playing in a big theater small crowd uh because they were obviously still trying to be covid safe. Was it in fact, New York reopening? Were you the, the catalyst? Sure. Yeah. I mean,

I'll take credit for that. Yeah. I'll take credit. Yeah. I think, so the Tribeca festival just happened to coincide with when New York just decided that they were going to allow, you know, like the restaurants to open back at full capacity and right yeah it was it just happened to be the timing like when

new york city was like yes we're done we did it we're back open right and there was a bar across the street from my hotel that i could see from my hotel room that it's one of those bars that plays the like a soccer match from a certain team right and so all the fans from that team go and it was packed I don't know what team it was everyone was wearing orange yeah and it was like pre-pandemic level of a super packed bar wow and i was like damn it's back new york new york is back baby yeah so i was actually i shuddered looking at that yeah because i i still if i see people dining indoors i'm like what yeah i have a little i think we all have a little bit of ptsd you know residual just like oh some sort of trauma from the pandemic and now man i saw that bar

packed full of people and i i literally i had a physical reaction i was like oh were you were you tempted to go across and watch the orange team i sure was not no because you know those europeans they're just so filthy yeah oh man their diapers don't even work on our bodies no i'm not a i'm not a football fan no me neither i want to be though because it's yeah it's like the big thing in the world i feel like you'd have to be you'd have to be drunk to be a football fan yeah and it was like a real European team with real European fans.

It might have been the Dutch. It might have just been full-on Netherlands. Were they wearing clogs during the game? Yeah, they wear orange. Ah, so maybe it was Dutch. And I mean, New York was once New Amsterdam. It's all adding up. But I think a lot of those people are still, a lot of the old Dutch are there eating their chips.

Growing their orchids. I think it's tulips. Strange, it's strange. Yeah, tulips, whatever, you know, strange flower reference. Did you get to name your special? They're still editing it and they just asked me and let's workshop let's get uh i requested well hung well hung yes okay okay gonna be hard to be well then no need to workshop how about king hong because it took place in new

york and then uh like the the famous gorilla you You know what? The workshop is over. Oh, damn it. The workshop is over. The workshop is now closed. I want to point out that you did your special at the Tribeca Festival. I'm shooting my special at the Rebecca Festival alongside Rebecca Black. She's doing Friday. Is Romaine Stamos going to be there? Rebecca Romaine Stamos is going to be there. And also Aunt Becky, who was also married to a Stamos going to be there? Rebecca Romaine Stamos is going to be there. And also Aunt Becky, who was also married to a Stamos.

Did they let her out of prison or wherever they had her? Yeah, isn't Aunt Becky in jail right now? I hope not. I just love her so much. She's beautiful. I think she is in jail. She went to jail, but God, I think everyone was like, what? She's only going to jail for like 11 weeks what if she

came out longer than this baby's been alive what if she walked out and like was so ripped and just covered in tattoos and just like so many teardrops on her face he's got a face tat How many people did you kill in there? I shanked a lot of Yeah, there was a lot of shanking happening Okay, Becky Yeah Well, Well Hong is great Thank you

Just because I couldn't think of anything else And I have a bit about Well Hong in my act That I did on the special And it's kind of a tribute to my dad who self-claims that he is well hung oh yeah i was just gonna say is it tribute to him saying that and that's exactly what it is yeah um do you need to help naming the baby um i mean the baby has a name i don't really love the name, so maybe we can petition. Sure.

Like petition to change the name. Yeah. What about Rodney? Is he already named Rodney? Like after Dangerfield? After Dangerfield, yeah. Have you ever been to Dangerfield Comedy Club in New York? No.

It's now defunct. I guess the pandemic finally did it in. Oh, really? So it was one I used to. It was one of the clubs that I played regularly when I lived in New York. And as of just before the pandemic, it was still open and operating in the exact same condition as it had since Rodney Dangerfield opened it like 50 years ago or 40 years ago. So like nothing had been updated. Like the floors were sticky. Yeah.

The way Rodney liked it. The upholstery was disgusting. There was no respect. You were paid no respect. No respect. People wanted you to take their wife. I tell you. People were like, take my wife, please.

I'd be like, I just came here to see some comedy. Yeah. I think that's a different guy. People were like, take my wife, please. I'd be like, I just came here to see some comedy. Yeah. I think that's a different guy. The update, Lori Loughlin, BV's Aunt Becky, got out of jail in December of last year. Oh, okay. After how long? Two months.

Oh, that is... And her husband, Massimo Giannulli... He got the chair. He sounds like a football fan. Yeah chair. He sounds like a football fan. Yeah, he does sound like a football fan. Football fan. Who makes clothes that they sell at Target. And also, I think Massimo was a very cool brand in the early 90s for boys like me. Yeah.

But he got out of jail in April. So he really took the he got the shit end of the stick he has tears he doesn't have any teardrop tattoos he just shed a lot of tears a lot of tears wouldn't that suck to be like oh yeah my wife is going to jail for the exact same thing as me but i have to go for four more months and she's way more famous shit that's like he's never he's never doing the dishes ever again because yeah right any kind of home errand like well i did the i did four more months of time all right so why don't you take the casserole out of the oven, bitch? Huh?

You don't know what it was like in there. I had to do the dishes every night. I made marmalade sandwiches for everyone. The only prison movie I know is Paddington 2. Paddington 2. That is so cute. Look at you. Paddington 2 doing hard time marmalade sandwiches.

Yeah, that's a whole genre. The prison movie is like its own. There's like hundreds of prison movies. I can think of Shawshank Redemption is the first one that comes to mind. Yeah. Yeah. A Green Mile. Sure.

What was the football one? The Longest Yard? Yeah. Yeah, The Longest Yard. Yeah. Bronson was a good one. What was the one one uh the longest yard yeah yeah the longest yard yeah bronson alcatraz like people trying to escape alcatraz uh not the birdman the birdman of alcatraz these are all the very high-end prison films uh a lot i'm thinking of several films that starred lou Ferrigno. Television's Hulk. Yeah. You know what?

I've decided. I don't want to go to prison. I've been on the fence. Same. Yeah. Same. If you did go to prison, though, where do you think you would... I guess it depends on what you go to prison for, but where do you think you'd fall in the hierarchy of prisoners? It's tough to say, right?

Yeah. I like to think I'd be, you know, part of the foundation, right down at the bottom, holding up, you know, somebody who, you killed a guy over uh the wrong meat at lunch or something like that wrong meat i wanted pepperoni this is salami they're so similar though don't kill me stab stab i don't know i feel like i i'd like to think of myself as the purveyor of like the toilet gin or whatever. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Like the one who's like, hey, hey, you need some you need some like I've always been fascinated by the because every prison movie has that person who can get you stuff. Yeah. Right.

And I've always been fascinated by that person. Like, how does that person get the toothbrush shank? Yeah, that's like they never kind of divulge how it all happens. Yeah, like the extra three cigarettes. Yeah. Well, you can be well assumed that it came in through somebody's butt.

So anything that you get from this guy has... Traveled via butt. Yeah. What... Do they give you free cigarettes in jail, prison? I don't think anything's free

in prison. I think that's what, that's one of the things, well, in America, you guys are Canadian, so. Oh yeah,

no, we have a great prison system. We're very proud of it. But in the US, you know, it's all for profit, so. Right.

Right. They're definitely charging you. But you get, so you get charged, you have to pay for your own meals? I think you get like, you get like horrible white bread with like American cheese, like neon yellow American cheese, like that kind of stuff you get for free every day. I think you get enough like quote unquote food sure you get the basic package but yeah but like i've watched and i don't know if this is like accurately portrayed in the movies and tv shows but like even to get a cup of cup of noodles you gotta buy that at the commissary that's right yeah Because they're paid whatever, like 20 cents an hour to be breaking rocks.

Slave labor. Yeah. Slave labor. I know. I know. Like a lot of call centers were set up in prisons that a lot of prisoners were answering questions about. I believe it. Yeah, I believe it, too.

Hello. Thanks for calling Sears. How can I help you? Oh, yeah. You go ahead. Bring that air conditioner right on back to Costco can I help you? Oh, yeah. You go ahead. Bring that air conditioner right on back to Costco. Somebody's getting stabbed in the background. And you're like, what's the commotion?

Oh, nothing, ma'am. Can I help you with anything else today? I don't know. Okay. Now, Helen. Yes. I listened to your very excellent podcast. Go fact yourself.

Thank you. One such occasion. Dave Shumka was your guest. That's true. That's right. You said during that episode that you didn't think you'd ever been to Dairy Queen. I, cause I had said that Dairy Queen, cause on go fact yourself, the guests get to choose their topic of trivia and you we offered you you get to offer

three topics i offered erotic thrillers because we had done erotic thriller month here on this show that's right i said dairy queen because it's my favorite restaurant and i said canadian pop music of the 90s yeah which we ended up going with canadian pop music of the 90s and then and then we got to meet a canadian pop star from the 90s yes And then we got to meet a Canadian pop star from the 90s. Yes, Tyler, the drummer from Barenaked Ladies. That's right. Only the best. I go fact yourself.

But you said, yeah, he's the best. Name another drummer from a kind of comedy band. Yeah. Name the drummer for Crushed His Dummy. Certainly not Dave Grohl. Screw that guy. He ain't funny at all. Yeah.

And in the course of that conversation, I said, and I still stand by this, I don't think I have ever, ever been to a Dairy Queen in my whole entire life. Yeah. Now, where did you grow up? I grew up on the East Coast. So, half of my... So, you've been going to Carvel. And, like, Friendly's.

Sure. Or, like, what's the New York... So, New York and Massachusetts is mostly where I grew up. And Massachusetts, definitely. Friendly's was the big thing. Brigham's? Yes! Yes! How do you know that are you familiar with dave's trying to start a franchise of his own yeah he shopped around different ones

mitch from the doughboys talks about it all the time um and uh i don't even think there are restaurants like that in new york because you there's just so much local. Oh, yeah. You got to go to the local diner. So like franchises like that don't really, they're not that, they weren't that big in the New York that I grew up in. Sure. Everything was very hyper local

and you went to like the local diner that was locally owned. And yeah, I don't even think, I don't even think, I don't think we had a Dairy Queen or anything like that. New York in those days was filthy. There were street walkers. It was a lot of mom and pop. You know what I'm saying?

Mom and pop. You wanted a dip cone, you had to go to 7th Avenue, if you know what I'm saying. Do they have them in LA though? saying. Do they have them in L.A., though? Yes, we do have them in L.A. And in fact, I lived very close to one in Burbank. And you still didn't go. And I still didn't go just because it just never quite intrigued me. Yeah.

And I have a mild lactose intolerance. Yeah, I believe it. Everyone seems to these days. It's awfully convenient. Whenever I bring a mild lactose intolerance. Yeah, I believe it. Everyone seems to these days. It's awfully convenient. Whenever I bring up Dairy Queen. So if they, you know, once Dairy Queen starts offering an oat milk ice cream. That sounds delicious. Right?

Because I think what they, I think technically they, their soft serve is ice milk. Right. What does that mean? I don't know. It's just not, it's made with milk and not cream. But they could go oat, I think. Yeah. Why not go oat?

And it would only cost eight times as much. Here's your dairy alternative cone. That'll be $24. Yeah. Oh, okay. When it comes to soft serve, because i had some the other day not at dairy queen at a food truck and it like i i realize all i want from soft serve is just the taster spoon size that's all if i have more than that i tap out very quickly and for some reason i start coughing which is not maybe you too that might be one of your 50

allergies it might be yeah stay away from soft serve oh man i'm not a soft serve fan in general i like my ice cream like i like my prison which is hard wow i like my ice cream like i like my time in prison which is hard it is hard time isn't it yeah so i don't like no mushy ass bitch little no i want that i want that thug life ice cream when i was growing up dairy queen had hard and soft and my favorite thing that i used to get at dairy queen was this thing with three scoops of chocolate hard ice cream, peanut butter sauce, chocolate sauce, cookie crumbles, and whipped cream.

What? I don't even know what that I don't even know what they called it. It was wonderful. Yeah, that's, and that was like, did it come in a paper thing, or did you eat it out of a glass bowl? Yeah, it came in a bag. No, it was in like a plastic, like the peanut buster parfait container.

I don't know. You don't know what that is. I don't know what that is. All I know is dip cone and whatever they are. Blizzard. And also the other thing, the dilly bar, is that what it's called? Yeah, dilly bars. Dilly bars are fine. The problem with a dilly bar is it's soft ice cream that they dip and then they put it in the

freezer and so it becomes hard ice cream. Yeah. Now, have you ever been a patron of any kind of ice cream? Even like a local mom and pop ice cream shop or you just generally stay? Oh, yeah. In fact, one of my best and favorite childhood memories, which shows the dysfunctionality of my family. So we did have Baskin Robbins. Oh, yeah.

And there was a Baskin Robbins very close to when we lived in Flatbush, Brooklyn. Okay. There was a Baskin Robbins that was two blocks away. So it was very close. Yeah. And one day, my parents had some folks over and they were some drinking. Mm-hmm. And the people, the guests had left for the night and it was like, you know, like late, like 10 o'clock at night.

And I was like, daddy, daddy, I want ice cream. My dad's toasted and he's like, let's go get you some ice cream. Yeah, that's nice. So we walk to the Baskin Robbins, and they're locked up. So they have just locked the doors because it's 10 o'clock, and they had just closed the doors. I hope this ends with your dad breaking in. And there's like a worker in there mopping the floors

because it's the end of the night. And he goes to open the door, and the door's locked. And the worker shakes his hand like, no, waves us off, nope, closed. And my dad's like, no. My daughter wants ice cream. And I'm right, I'm eight, and I'm just like watching this whole thing unfold.

I'm eight. Yeah. My daughter wants ice cream, and I'm not leaving until she gets ice cream. And the guy let us in. The guy let us in. The guy let us in after hours because my dad was so drunk. And I must have been adorable just staring at my dad.

Did he come out and say, the daughter can come in, but you got to stay the fuck outside? dad did he come out and say the daughter can come in but you gotta stay the fuck outside and i got my ice cream and like i thought my dad was a fucking hero and your dad gave him a dollar and said where's my change and i just thought like i i remember being eight and just looking up at my dad and just being like oh like i just thought it was the coolest, most magical thing. Now, of course, it seems problematic. Yeah. But at the time, it was a sweet, you know, it's one of my favorite childhood memories. Yeah.

Dairy Queen famously has 31 flavors, 30 wonderful flavors. Just like Baskin Robbins. Sorry, I guess I'm, yeah. Oh. Baskin Robbins, sorry. Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors I guess I'm... Yeah. Oh. Baskin Robbins, sorry. Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors. Dairy Queen has one. White.

Yeah, white. And it might be ice milk? We're not sure. Baskin Robbins has 31 flavors. I think they should, like, at peak hours, 31 flavors. But instead of closing, they should just offer fewer and fewer flavors. As the time ticks. At 10 o'clock, we only have four flavors.

Yeah. At midnight, we've got white. Yeah. It just goes down to white. Or you can have like, you hit your debit card, and then a scoop just rolls out. You have to find a container for it. Or at midnight, it just is like the least, it's the most yucky flavor that's left over. Yeah, exactly. it's just some weird

pistachio sorbet i haven't been back to baskin robinson oh i can't remember the last time but it was that was the place to go yeah when i was a kid oh yeah but and i there were so many flavors that i was like yuck i don't want any of that. Now I bet I would love everything. Yeah. Yeah. I. Like I didn't want a nut in anything. Pardon me. Allow me to rephrase that.

Okay. Now that I'm sex ed was. Now that I'm grown up, I want a nut in everything. We're learning so much about you, Dave. This is so much more information than we got from you on Go Fact Yourself. Uh, yeah.

Try and get yourself out of that trench. Try getting yourself out of that nut. I'm scared how to make my nut this month. It's true. The first time I heard of pistachio ice cream, I was like, gross.

Yeah. And then I tried it, and I was like, this is pleasant. And I feel like it's because I'm grown now. Yeah. You're going to have to teach this baby about ice cream. You're the one that's going to introduce your nephew to ice cream. I'm going to be the one that's going to be drunk taking him to the best of rubbish, demanding that they open the doors. This is something you hand down to the next generation.

Yes. You hope that he will do for his kids. Isn't that sad? That's such a sweet memory that I have. And now I think of it and I'm like, yeah, that's probably a little sign of my dad's problematic drinking. I mean, sure. But everybody got their way. Nobody was hurt in the process. Right.

You got to look at your dad as a hero, which, you know, it's sometimes hard to do, I imagine. Yes. To be a hero to your child. Indeed. No, it's easy. Just bring a pizza home. No, that doesn't work. Like, my kids are so used to having ice cream and pizza that is like not

even a treat for them anymore i can't impress them you're like tuesday again yeah i uh i've been like i've gone to like a mom and pop ice cream place for a while now and then i went to one that's just like the old classics. And it blew my mind. They had flavors I hadn't thought of in years, including like bubblegum and tiger tail. Oh, yeah. And just like. I don't think I know tiger tail. What is that?

Tiger tail is Canadian. Oh, is it? Yeah, I don't. Yeah, I don't think. Tiger tail is. Okay, Helen. Visually, tiger tail looks like the colors of a tiger. Imagine what the flavors are yeah okay visually uh i'm assuming it's not a white tiger no it is orange and black okay so like

like a bengal tiger yes yes okay i don't we don't know all the breeds here but specify the damn tiger please um okay so i'm gonna guess maybe peanut butter and that might be the orangey bit or um orange peanut butter and chocolate yeah yeah you that was that makes sense that sounds delicious yeah uh tiger tail is a canadian ice cream made of orange ice cream with licorice. Yeah. Gross. My offering was way better. Yeah, totally. I mean.

Orange. Wait. Orange flavored ice cream. And black licorice. Who wants that? Kids. No. Because I remember that being, I think, one of my brother's favorites with Tiger Tail.

Just because I think the name alone kind of sold well to kids. I did love Bubblegum as a kid. Bubblegum was great. It's like neon colored. And then there's also, there's a blue one that's like neon blue. What was that one? Well, I'm thinking the neon blue one. That was our Bubblegum color. Yeah, that's true.

Because sometimes the Bubblegum was blue and sometimes it was pink. Yeah. Yeah and it had yeah that's true because sometimes sometimes the bubble gum was blue and sometimes it was pink yeah yeah yeah yeah depending on where you went and you got wads of bubble you got like gumball yes and that's some of the best gum i've ever had in my life man this is all making me want to have ice cream right you know what it's making me think i want to start like our the way they have artisanal like local bullshit ice cream and like a bunch of like, you know, balsamic and blueberry. I want to start artisanal gum. Artisanal bubble gum? Yeah.

Rhubarb. We have, you know, every month we experiment with parsley rhubarb absolutely this is really actually a celery seed bubble gum i actually had a um there's a a mini chain i think it's a mini chain of ice cream of like bougie ice cream shops around here called jen. And it's not Jenny with a Y, it's Jenny with an I. Yeah, that is bougie. And one N, J-E-N-I. Oh, like Richard Jenny.

So maybe it's Jenny. One letter off of Jedi, so there you go. Yes. And I just got ice cream there. They have something called a Froze. That does sound bougie. Froze. Frozen Rose for you basic bitches out there you sex in the city ites and i was like it was a hot day and i was like you know what that sounds

kind of refreshing it was goddamn delicious yeah and it sort of tasted a little bit alcoholic and they did tell me that it started off with alcohol and over the processing process. Obviously, a lot of the alcohol goes away. Right. Do not operate heavy machinery. I was like, this is delightful, frose-flavored, bougie ice cream. Yeah. I loved it.

I stick close to home, flavors-wise. I would never venture into the alcohol flavor. What's close to home? What stick close to home flavors-wise. I would never venture into the alcohol flavor. What's close to home? What's close to home? Chocolate, vanilla? Chocolate, vanilla. I love them. I love them.

I like mint chocolate chip. I love any kind of thing that has like chunks of a candy bar in it or cookie dough. Anything that has like that situation working for it i'm i'm very well especially now in the local place the graham graham and i both live near to the next the local mom and pop ice cream place and they don't uh you can't have the like samples during covid yeah oh they don't let you have a little right yeah yeah they'll uh shoot a sample into your mouth with a slingshot. Yeah. Six feet away. I used to go, I go to a bougie dog food place. Oh, yeah?

Do you have a bougie dog? I don't. My dog is from like the streets of LA. So he's like, I'm sure he's eaten kibble all his life. And I switched him to bougie food. And they used to do, like they used to have all these like sample mason jars full of their treats. And I used to be like, let me try the chicken.

Let me try the beef. How about the duck? How about this? How about the chicken apple? And literally I would fill up my dog With treats Because the food was so expensive I'd be like listen we're going in there We're going to pile up on treats And you're not getting dinner tonight

So you better put on that poker face Dodger Dodger's just like I love it Dodger's a great name for a dog by the way Thank you What type of dog are we talking about here He's magnificent He's a husky German shepherd mix He looks like a wolf for our dog, by the way. Thank you. What type of dog are we talking about here? He is magnificent.

He's a husky German Shepherd mix. Oh, he looks like a wolf. How does he like the heat wave? He hates it. Yeah. Because he has this like million dollar fur coat that he can never take off.

Oh, yeah. That's like a Twilight Zone episode. You finally get a fur coat and you can never take it off. So he just sits around all day i i have an elevated cot that's like an air circulating cot nice and he just lies there because it's yeah the poor poor guy yeah you know what you should switch off switch off with your sister let her keep them cool for a couple hours. You'll deal with the shit storm. I make homemade ice cream for this kid.

I make chicken stocksicles. If you had to... You called the dog this kid? Yeah. It's confusing now. There's a child. Oh, yeah. That's right. And you're giving this kid chicken icicles? It shouldn't be on food yet.

11 weeks. One's on breast milk. One's on chicken stocksicles. They each want each other's food. Dave, what's going on with you, my friend? Well, a couple of things. So the other day, we've had a beautiful summer here in vancouver no rain which is a thumbs down we need some yeah forest fires are plenty uh but between heat waves

it's been like just nice days yeah and so the other day i uh my wife works one day a week she works an amount a week but there's a day there's a day a week I don't work I don't want to make it public for some reason guys it's Wednesday it's Wednesday

it's not it might be there's a one in seven chance one in five chance. I don't work weekends. But one day a week, I'm in charge of the house, and I take the kids somewhere. And this week, I took them to the beach. And it was great. They love it.

It's mindless fun. You don't have to come up with any activity. They just, they explore they go in the water they come out of the water they dig they go back in the water they yeah it's great um but they and i i hate sunscreen like it's if i'm if i'm just uh you know going out in the sun for half an hour keeping my shirt on never, I will never put sunscreen on if I'm going but when I go to the beach

same by the way, same but I have more melanin I'm just going to go out on a limb and say that that's fair I think you guys are both crazy I wear it every time I leave the house all summer long but you look like you have the least amount of melanin in this group I've tested negative for. You look like you have the least amount of melanin in this group.

I've tested negative for it. I don't even have the least amount. Yeah, I'm a light-skinned white man, and I just don't like the feel of it. Me too. Nobody likes the feel of it. It's gross. But I would rather get a mild sunburn than...

Same. And deal with that for a couple of days. I don't like the way it feels. I don't like the way it stains my clothes. Yeah. I just don't like anything about it. So I'm completely with you. I would rather have like two days of discomfort from a mild sunburn than 30 minutes of greasiness.

I think this is a bad policy. I want to go on record to say this is a bad policy that that said i slather my children up all the time right if they're going if they're going because otherwise child protective services would come find you but like even if i'm even if they're going to uh school and i'm like i bet you're going out running around uh at lunchtime i'll spray them before school sure so we went to the beach i i sprayed the kids i sprayed myself yeah i'll take my shirt off at the beach sure why not you know what you are a wild wild wild man you're a wild wild man you heard it here first. Dave Shemka will take his shirt off at the beach. I don't even take my shirt off to shower.

How do you feel about that? I sprayed myself down and it was fine. Yeah. Oh, I also don't like rubbing myself in public. It's from the guy who'll nut everywhere. As an adult, sure, but as a kid. It's from the guy who used to hate nuts, but now he just loves to nut. I don't think that's exactly how I worded it, but sure.

So I sprayed myself down, had a great time at the beach, came home, a little bit red. Uh, and as the day went on, oh my God, I may be have the worst sunburn of my life. Oh my goodness. What happened? It was defective sunblock. I think I maybe didn't rub it in well enough. I'd spray on, or maybe I needed to put a second coat on. We weren't, we're only there two

hours so they say it's good for two hours but maybe it's not um because there's parts where i'm not sunburned and it's like my chest is camouflaged red and white just like the blotches are just a random pattern of of you know melanoma you could have this would have been an opportunity for you due to a funny suntan like say high school sucks or something like that

you could have sprayed it around your hand and made like a turkey like a thanksgiving turkey did you guys do that in Canada? a thanksgiving turkey outline with your hand as the body of the turkey like a thanksgiving turkey do you guys do that in canada a thanksgiving turkey outline yeah with your hand as the body of the turkey gobble gobble that would have been good um but no instead i have just like every night the last two nights have just been like waking up once an hour in

agony oh no is that bad oh my back ah i'll switch to my stomach oh god my stomach oh man like i'm fine during the day but lying down is not so good i once gave myself the kids by the way are fine good good good i once gave myself a full-on hand print on my back because i had this sunblock on my hand and i just kind of smeared it it almost looked like a raccoon paw to be honest because of the way that i just sort of swiftly just kind of slapped it on yeah slapped it on my back and um i come home and I have this very distinct claw print, like raccoon paw print on my back. And then something that I learned is that if you then shower using a body wash that has salicylic acid in it. Oh, yikes. That paw print will stay there for six months

it's nature's tattoo that's amazing this thing was on there forever ever was there uh like i remember in police academy they did a prank where they drew, they wrote on the, uh, not Lessard. Who was the bad chief? Uh, yeah. A proctor was the name, maybe? Yeah, maybe. And they drew the word, they wrote the word dork in sunscreen on him while he was asleep

in the sun. And then, but I feel like there was some other thing where they had took like an outline of a hand. where they had took like an outline of a hand they like had like a hand uh that they put over someone's back so it looked like they were suntanning with a hand on their back to make their boyfriend mad i don't i don't i does this ring anyone's bell no uh no great great prank i guess yeah if anyone knows the answer to that prank, what movie that's from, at Stop Podcasting on Twitter. The other thing that's going on is the Olympics are happening.

And they're great. They're going great. This is the first. This is like the Olympics I've cared the least about. Same. I acknowledge the olympics are problematic that they are racist and sexist uh i don't support the the organization that puts them on is terrible but i love those two weeks where it's just on tv 24 hours a day you see the sports that you'd never think about outside of those two weeks every four years. Yeah.

You're swimming. You're a, you're gymnastic. Well, swimming and gymnastics. Fine. But like, yeah,

I mean, like, yeah. Foil. Yeah. I don't know. This year they seem to have three on three basketball, which is a weird.

Oh yeah. I saw that like half court. Yeah. Uh, it's more manageable. I can keep an eye on who's who you know yeah um but uh and like it my kid i watched with my kids and i remembered it made me feel very nostalgic for like watching it as a kid and feeling like this was so important and like because my kids do quote-unquote gymnastics where they'll like go to a room where they have uh you know a thing to swing on and a balance beam but if you fall off the balance beam you fall in a pile of foam and then i showed them like women flipping around on them and like yeah crunching their crotches against

crunching their crotch now there's an ice cream flavor can i have three scoops of crunchy crotch please with uh three hot fudge on top thanks yeah can i get a cherry can I get a cherry on my crunchy crumb? So, but Twitter said, oh, it's day seven of the Olympics. And I realized, oh, I haven't watched the Olympics in five days. Like I'm watching it so much less than every other Olympics. Same with me. I remember being young and just those opening bars. I don't know if this is in Canada, but NBC usually airs it.

And I would have a Pavlovian response. I would get so excited. And I'd be like, oh my God, yes, this is so grand. It's so exciting. And I would hear the first bars of the music and run to the TV and I'd just be so excited. And now I'm like, eh. And it's even like, it's on like five, ten channels now.

Like it used to be on one. Yeah. And you would get like, you know, you'd be able to see, you know, from eight o'clock to ten o'clock, they'd show you two hours of what happened in Seoul, Korea that week. That's right. When I was a kid, I didn't give a shit about them. And now I enjoy watching them. But yeah.

And I lived in a city that had the Olympics when I was a kid. What was the Olympics theme in 1988 in Calgary? It was David Foster. It was David Foster foster and it was called catch the dream or something like that anyways they played it on the radio every single day so i remember that being like a weird it's it's like a famous yeah uh i'm gonna try to find it no yeah no um anyways you know i get it when it's when it's on 24 it's literally called winter games by david foster and just after this ad and skip here it comes i think that was my only frame of

reference for calgary growing up was the olympics was that there were olympics there yeah well they had two two movies set there yeah both, both about the Winter Olympics. What were the movies? Cool Runnings. Oh my god, one of my favorite movies of all time. Yeah, Cool Runnings. And 20 years later, Eddie the Eagle. Yeah. I don't think I saw that one. It's charming.

It's got Tara and Egerton. It doesn't have Hugh Jackman? This sounds very 1988. That sounds very sporty and 1988. Yeah. Yes. I remember during the 1988 Olympics, they had like a story about one of the skiers. And it was the year after Dirty Dancing came out.

And they had a close-up on his eyes. And they played the song Hungry Eyes from the Dirty Dancing. And I just remember my brother said, Man, that guy's got hungry eyes from the dirty dancing center and i just remember my brother said man that guy's got hungry eyes your brother's pretty funny yeah he's a good guy yeah i um yeah i just i just don't have olympic fever and And I feel like with the Simone Biles thing coming out and we're seeing like, you know, like you were saying, Dave, like we're seeing so much of the problematicness of the Olympics. Like, I feel like that's it's a sad thing of modern living now is like we all are so jaded because we kind of know too much. Right.

We aren't all. Like there's people who are are able to compartmentalize things a lot better than us. Yeah, but there's so much cynicism because we all know nothing is real and the people who are supposed to be nice, like Ellen DeGeneres is an asshole. No, we haven't got that news in canada yet yeah is she

sorry yeah our local asshole is uh kevin o'leary from uh shark tank and nobody thought he was nice so is he supposed to be nice no oh it would be i mean in his own mind he calls himself mr wonderful yeah ellen degeneres is supposed to be the world's nicest kindest friendliest human no we know yeah and she's a flaming douchebag apparently yeah um it was a it was a uh hollywood's worst kept secret yeah also olympics like devastate the cities that they're in because all this infrastructure has to be built and it's never used again. Yes, like LA was trying to get it here and everyone was like no!

No! We do not need that. Please. Well, Vancouver hosted it the winter in 2010 and people are saying like, well, apparently there's a problem in 2030 and they don't know who's going to do it and they're like well vancouver could just do it again yeah they've

got all this stuff we do have all this stuff but like what what about like we built this whole olympic village for the people to live in and then uh we sold them off to the locals to live in and uh where we have to build more stuff? No, you just get those people to forfeit their houses. You get to the Hyatt and they'll be fine. Oh, sure.

There's enough rooms at the Hyatt. Yeah, put them next to the like cast of Riverdale at the Sudden Place. Yeah, and they can't sleep the night

before their big event because kids are running up and down the hall that are there on a hockey tournament. Anyway, I've got Olympic fever. What's your favorite?

So what's like an event that you're super, super into that you're following closely? Nothing. I'm not following any event closely. I love just randomly finding something on TV. Like Canada, there's this, it's weird in Canada. Also, there's so many more events now than there used to be. Yeah. But it's weird.

There's a woman who has won gold medals twice in the Olympics in trampoline. Trampoline, yeah. She was our flag bearer at the last uh summer olympic and she's like on cereal boxes i couldn't i this is on me but i could not tell you her name yeah but you know trampoline girl but when i was 11 i could i could tell you the name of the canadian uh you know rowers yeah sure i feel like if i were if i were ever forced like in a hunger games situation to pick an olympic sport like pick a quick put somebody put a gun to my head you have to pick an event i'd go trampoline just because it's fun. Just because it seems the most fun. What's the gun to your head?

You have to metal in it. I mean, I feel like trampoline is the only thing that could even remotely not die in the first two minutes. For me, I would go dressage because I would just put everything's in your, it's in your hooves there. I put my hands in your hooves.

Yeah. I would just pick a sport that I would go last. I'd just be last in, you know, like a sprint or a meter swim. Oh yeah. I'd pick a short one. I'd be like,

be like, uh, and Graham Clark is still running. And he's still wearing his shirt in the pool. We told him to take it off. For some reason, he has taken perfectly fine gym shorts and swimming trunks and cut them into a banana hammock somehow. He is wearing a swim cap on his head and his chin for his beard. My family is from south korea and um south korea is really fun because they they meddle in like sort of fringy sports like foil yeah foil fencing

um archery that's a big one in Korea. Archery. Wow. Yeah. I always thought it was cool, archery, because there's also shooting, right? There's gun shooting and archery in the Olympics? Or maybe there's not gun shooting. I don't know.

Is there shooting? I'm not sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. But yeah, I always thought, oh, I thought archery was so cool when I was a kid. I still do. I still think it's a very cool thing. I would love to take up archery.

Would you do it? I mean, I don't think I would do it to the competitive level, but I would definitely take a class in archery or like take a, yeah, if someone was like, hey, I'm going to go shooting at an archery range, I'd be like, hey, can I come? Yeah. Try it out? I'm afraid like, because, you know, you have to pull the bow so far back. I'm afraid of catching my ear on it and just having my ear shaved off my head.

Oh, yeah. They, like, press their nose up against it. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think if your ear gets caught, you're doing it wrong. Well, and I would obviously be doing it wrong. How did Graham lose an ear, archery? Yeah. Graham, and I would obviously be doing it wrong. How'd Graham lose an ear, Archery?

Yeah. Graham, how'd you lose your ear? The guy put a gun to my head and said, you better arch. Arch for me,

Daddy. I was arching. Yeah, so that's what's going on with me. Got sunburned, watching the Olympics. What's going on with me god sunburnt watching the olympics what's going on with you uh not too much i uh the my favorite thing that i've watched in the olympics so far is this is the first year that skateboarding has been uh an event and radical it's so cool

it's so cool i watched the women's uh finals and it was a lot of little girls like uh 13 to 14 year old girls who are amazing and you like that i like that they're in the sport and they're at the top of the sport and uh they are they're awesome they're all everybody that's competing in it is so much cooler than any other olympian um and uh there was in the competition i was watching the youngest person i think was 12 and the oldest person was like 36 wow like it's somebody who was a professional skateboarder all these years and now this is the first chance to get a medal for it so she she's in this Olympics with these literal kids. And she was awesome.

They were all so awesome. You know what I bet is really freaking fantastic about skateboarding as an Olympic event is that you know that nobody went into skateboarding to become an Olympian.

Yes. Yeah, exactly. They weren't like, nobody pressured them or pushed them or was like, you got to go to the Olympics. You got to train and train. You're going to the Olympics. It's like, I'm just skateboarding. Not like these hoity-toity trampoliner. Yeah.

Come out with their top hats and monocles in the opening ceremonies. But yeah, I loved watching the watching the skateboard it made me realize like maybe what i like to watch is skateboarding maybe it's not even olympic centric maybe i just should get into watching skateboarding is that a thing that people can be a fan of just watching yeah they have they have their own games the x games the x games that's right i'll watch the x games whenever they come on just don't go go and watch the little girls ones and only those. That's fair. Yeah, don't just Google little girls.

Yeah, don't Google little girls competing in public. No, don't Google little girls. I know the rules. You can't and you shouldn't be Googling. If you don't know what a little girl is, go to your local library and ask the librarian what's the do. Yeah. What's the Dewey Decimal for little girls?

Get out of here. So I went, I flew over to one of the islands that is around these parts. And are you vacation island Graham? Yeah, I mean, I was. I've come back now. I'm business Graham again. But back to business, I said. Even with the banana hammock?

Especially with the banana hammock. I was in photo shoots all this afternoon. You're all business now. I was in photo shoots all this afternoon. You're all business now. Yeah, and so I had to fly on a little plane, a very tiny little plane, where you were shoulder to shoulder with.

Terrifying. It was the worst. It was the very worst. I've been on them before, but I forgot how bad they are. And it's, yeah, it's like being dragged in a suitcase or something like that. It's just, what's the worst part about it? The,

the like turbulence, the seemingly nonstop turbulence and that you can see like a 20 minute flight. Yeah. It's like 20 minutes. So it's quick, but you can see the ground the whole time. And I don't like that. I can see the ground the whole time.

I like when it's up in the cloud and I can't, you know what I mean? I can tell you what i find to be the worst part about those little tiny prop planes is they ask you how much you weigh yes that's true and you know all these bitches be lying i mean i'm lying i'm lying and i know most of the women on the plane are lying and if the pilot is hot we're lying a lot yeah yeah yeah but if there's you know the men will go the other way and be like i'm 10 feet tall and a thousand pounds yeah okay great so maybe that's why nobody's died yeah it's you're right and you also get the like they don't the one i was on didn't ask how much you weighed per se, but they did tell you where you had to sit. So they... They were like, hey, Chunko, take the seat to the left.

Yeah. Mean. They didn't have to call me Chunko. Seriously. I knew who they were talking about. It was me. Rude. Yeah, so I realized how much I... I remembered how much I hated that. And then... Is this Salt Spring Island?

This is Salt Spring Island I went to. Home of Raffi? Yeah, home of Raffi and also like a lot of the aforementioned guy who composed the Olympic theme song. He lived there. Oh, David Foster? David Foster lived there. It's a lot of, a lot of people who have a lot of money live there.

And then a lot of people who have no money. Is there a Dairy Queen there? No. No, except for home hardware, it's a completely mom-and-pop island. There's no Starbucks, there's no Subway. Oh, that sounds charming. It is. It's charming as all get-out, yeah.

Around Vancouver, there's dozens of these fun... Yeah, I'm only familiar with Vancouver Island. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Which is very nice. But in between Vancouver Island and Vancouver, there's, you know, Salt Spring, Gabriola, Galliano, Pender. Yeah.

Oh, so you're just bragging now. You're just bragging. Yeah. We got some cool islands, but a lot of them, i'd have to take a ferry which is like a half day deal to get there or you can take a 20 minute flight but it will be terrifying so it's a real would you rather situation um but yeah i went there and just before i went there the day before i left uh i got to do my first like real deal show uh like headline a show which i haven't done for you know almost two years where was that it was outside it was outside in the in the parking lot

of an arts studio and they had it all set up with a tent the beaumont the beaumont yeah and uh lovely it was lovely it was so nice. And the temperature was just perfect. And it was, the crowd was so nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So it was just like. That's the thing, is like the crowds are really thankful. Yeah. And it was just a really good vibe the whole time.

How was your performance? I don't know. At least you didn't have to shoot a special. That's right. Somebody put a gun to my head and said, get up there. Show them your archery skills. But during... Oh, go ahead.

I was just going to say, well, that's nice. It was. It was very nice. And the only thing that was kind of distracting was there's an RV. And here in Vancouver, there's a lot, a lot of people who live in rvs who can't be otherwise housed and so it's it's a blight on our city and it was one across the street from where i was doing a show and he had a candle in the window and i couldn't stop freaking out about this candle like tipping over and burning this whole thing down so i kept mentioning it like every five minutes on stage like is everything okay like it hasn't fallen down and uh eventually i

had to leave so i could i am i have i'm sorry i have to pee so badly i can't even dave dave is suddenly having a pee emergency yeah exactly he's having a piss storm he emergent so you're you're special you don't know on what platform it's going to come i have no idea what platform it's going to be on um i don't even know if they're officially going to let me call it well hung i don't know when it's coming out i know it's being edited currently yeah um and they asked me like to pick some photos that they had taken for the artwork and stuff like that so i know it's in process yeah but i i legit have no idea when or where it will be out did you like kind of go

from your whole catalog of comedy to put it together or just no no and because you know for me i i couldn't it it would have felt really disingenuous to me to just do my hour, you know what I mean? That I had been doing before the pandemic when all this stuff had been happening. And like, it was just, it was just too, it just felt too of the moment, right? Like this, New York's opening back up. This is my first time on stage in a year and a half. I actually opened with that. I was like, my first time on stage in a year and a half.

So it's going to be a miracle or flaming shit show let's do this you know yeah that's cool so i just had to address i just had to talk about it and so the first probably 20 minutes of my set were pandemic jokes that i had been doing over the zoom shows that i'd been doing um and then i had a whole bunch of material about this new baby. Yeah. That's all brand new, right? Brand new material. And yeah, so I only ended up probably only doing about 15 minutes of old material.

That's great. Yeah. And like, and it all rolled. It was good. Yeah. Yeah. And like, and it all rolled. It was good. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, the audience felt a little awkward. I was super nervous.

And so I would, I was flubbing a bunch of times, which I would start over the joke, you know, so they could edit around it. So that's awkward. And there's like, I mean, there were seven cameras and there's cameras in people's faces. Yeah. So people, it was in such a way that like the audience couldn't be relaxed, really. Like they're trying to get audience shots. You know, there's a camera in your face. You know, you're not, you're just not going to laugh.

It's unnatural. Yeah. The whole thing was unnatural. But I did see an early cut of it and it turned out a lot better than I thought that I was afraid. Yeah. So it looks good. It looks really professional. It's the company that does all the big specials,

so obviously the production value is very high. It looks beautiful. The venue looks much bigger than it was. So, you know. They use CGI to put in extra people. Yeah, I'm actually performing at Wembley Stadium. Yeah, exactly. I don't know why I'm in London suddenly.

Yeah, so, hey guys, I went to the bathroom. Welcome back, welcome back. I can't believe you had such a strong P-mergency. Could you not tell, like, the whole time Greg was talking, that I was like, uh-huh, uh-huh, sure. I'm moving around in my chair. I just thought you had done a little meth before. No, I did pee. This guy's real meth-y right now.

Yeah, special pee, they call it on the street. Do you, Graham, do you have any more shows lined up? I'm going to one this Saturday. I don't know where it is, but it's also outside. Is that what is up? Of the shows that are happening, are they all outside? No, most of them are inside. We don't have comedy clubs anymore, do we?

Yeah, most of them are inside. We don't have comedy clubs anymore, do we? Yeah, most of them are inside. And it's just like, I went and did one because it was Sophie Buttles. She was working up a set for taping her special. And so I went and it was just like, it was a nightmare because nobody was distancing at any amount. And I was like the only guy backstage wearing a mask. And I was like, this is not good a mask and i was like this is this is not good what happened to the yuck yucks there in vancouver closed forever yeah forever yeah oh no

i think the owner was on his way he wanted to move on from it and i think the pandemic just kind of finished it oh that was one of the last clubs that I played, I think, before. Was that right? He blamed you. Yeah. I mean, that makes sense. No, actually, it wasn't because it was in the summer, I think. So I think it was exactly two years ago. Nice. I know this is a pandemic thing, but every summertime show in Vancouver that I ever did was a sweat box.

Yes. Yeah, exactly yes yeah nowhere has air conditioning no uh i think i feel like going forward the summertime shows should just be outdoor i i agree and i hosted a bunch of them last summer and they were a lot of fun but the only thing that you're uh you're a victim to whatever the temperature is going to be or if there's a rainstorm on its way but there, there's no more rain. We're not getting any more rain ever again. That's right. No more rain ever forever.

But yeah, that aforementioned RV didn't burn down. Nice. Good rat. Yeah, it lived his life like a candle in the window. Should we move on to a little bit of business sure ah that means that it's time for a little bit of business uh this week we have a jumbotron from someone to someone that they love and or hate uh what, what is the, uh, the jumble time? We don't get enough hate messages.

We don't get, uh, you know, like I'll get you for this. Inspector Gadget from Dr. Cloth. Um, this week, this message is for Michael in Frederick, Maryland. There we go. Pause. Let him freak out. And this is from Ben in Oakland, California. Oh, now he's putting the pieces together.

Ben, send this to me. From coast to coast. The message is, hey, brother, happy birthday. And thanks for getting me addicted to this show. That's nice. Everybody wins. Yeah. His brother wins.

He wins. We get a little bit of money yeah I love it that's sweet everybody wins that's nice that's a nice way to do it although the way you say

the way you said addicted I thought he was calling him a dick at first yeah that's what I thought too I thought you were going to be like a dick oh sure

should I how do you pronounce it addicted thanks for getting me addicted no it was it was just the emphasis. Like, you put a lot, you put a little extra sauce on the dick portion of the word.

Yeah, I'll put sauce on most dicks. One of Dave's many addictions. If you would like a personal message or a commercial message, go to Maximum fun.org slash jumbotron uh and select this show because otherwise it'll end up on another show yeah exactly might end up on helen show you don't know you don't know where it's gonna go yeah um should we do some overheards yes okay hi i'm annabelle gerrich and i'm Laura House. And we're the hosts of Tiny Victories. My tiny victory is that I sewed that button back on the day after it broke. We talk about that little thing that you did that's a big deal to you, but nobody else cares.

Did you get that Guggenheim Genius Award? We don't want to hear from you. We want little bitty tiny victories. My tiny victory is a tattoo that I added on to this past weekend. Let's talk about it. My victory is that I'm one year cancer free. But my tiny victory is that I took all of the cushions off the couch, pounded them out, put them back, and it looks so great. So if you're like us and you want to celebrate the tiny achievements of ordinary people, listen to Tiny Victories.

It's on every monday on maximum fun overheard overheard the segment where boy oh boy it's things are reopening you may have a chance to hear things like you didn't before hold them then type them or phone call us and send them to the podcast uh we always like to start with the guest helen do you have an overheard i sure do um so i went to my first single mother by choice hang oh this was not your choice i was dragged to a single mother by choice hang and so it was all these moms and their kids and it was nice you know it's supposed to be a play date for all the kids and stuff and you know they're very nice people and but um clearly like, this was a newish group.

And so only, like, a couple of the people knew each other. But most of the women there, actually, this was their first time meeting. Okay. So a new group. Like, fresh dynamics for everyone. What kind of location was this? It was an outdoor park. Big outdoor park with a playground.

Kids, you know, I brought my my dog dodger was there dodger was like ugh yeah that sucks it was like it's hot yeah put me in a fridge somewhere my god come on like i'm playing hide and seek on funky brewster so so a lot of these women had never met each other, and they're introducing, hi, hi, how old's your kid? And all the moms were like, my kid's useless. You know, and there's like kids and women holding infants and stuff like that. And this one woman rolls up, and she has no child.

And she's a very nice- looking person, very nice looking lady. And she comes up, she goes, hi, is this the single mother by choice group? And they go, yeah. And she goes, oh, I'm Marianne. Let's say her name is Marianne. Oh, I'm Marianne. And literally one of the women looks at her and goes where's your child? She goes oh

I left him at home. And this woman goes you came to this thing with no child? And she said it just like that kind of accusatorily. And there's a group of women

standing around, and they all look at this poor woman, Marianne, and she's like, oh, oh, yeah, it just seemed like a lot. And, you know, he's only eight months, and it just seemed like it was just a little too much. And my parents are in town, so my parents were watching. I mean, she was really struggling. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, she was hemming and hawing and just, oh, oh, um, yeah, stammering. She was like,

um, it just seemed like a lot and he's so little and he's eight months and da, da, da. And these women just sat there in stony silence

just watching this poor woman just stammering. And they're just like these cold bitches just looking at her. Wow. You're not a mom unless you have your child on you at all times. And I was like, what is happening? Because it just was such an interesting and strange thing for,

an interesting and strange thing for, like, especially women, because we're ingrained to, if you see someone, you'd be, oh, no, it's fine. Right. We're socially sort of, you know, groomed to make everybody feel better, right?

That's what we're taught to do. And so, you know, generally, in any other situation all the other women oh no you don't worry about it you're fine and it's not a problem and i i didn't bring my kid last week either like yeah somebody would jump in yeah save this flailing for nobody nobody everybody and i mean there were like eight women standing around and i just watched this whole thing go down and i was like damn these bitches be cold wow that seems like cold ass bitches they all didn't know each other so somebody was trying to establish as the alpha so you had to and it just was crazy this poor woman was dying she was like i i i just it's it just and nobody jumped in to save her. Yeah, nobody. It's, like, incredible because we're in a pandemic.

There's no chance to meet other people. You are a single mother. Your parents are in time to take care of your child. Go out and do whatever you want, and, yeah, meet other moms. Like, it's not... And this is, like like a group that's supposed to be supportive like it's supposed to be a support group yeah i don't know i don't get it exactly i got it oh they were cold you gotta cut ties with your sister i'm telling you

these are some ice queens yeah no kidding they were just watching this poor woman drown and they were like you didn't even bring a dog, Helen brought a dog Dodgers like don't drag me into this Dave do you have an overheard? yeah I suppose I do. The other day, I went to a local children's bookstore in Vancouver, Kids Books.

Kids Books. And my six-year-old Margo wanted... We've been reading the Babysitter's Club graphic novels. Sure. So, got a couple of those and uh my four-year-old poppy was like well we're here get me something too and i was like of course yes of course yes and she likes the berenstain bears so we got her a berenstain bears book about i don't know um like lemonade stand or something everything's everything's got a stupid lesson in those books yeah yeah uh and she really i think she only likes them because they come with

pages and pages of stickers yes yeah uh but i should have gone to the dollar store and got her just a sticker book of spider-man 2 with andrew garfield in it yeah that's true she does love andrew garfield who doesn't yeah who's the who's the female lead in those uh emma stone yes emma stone okay yeah i haven't i never saw any of those i'm kirsten Dunst, and I'm out. It is worth watching the second one to see Jamie Foxx play a nerd. He plays a nerd like how the action movie star in The Simpsons plays a nerd. Oh, yeah. Wait, he doesn't play like a scientist, does he? Yes, he does.

He plays a scientist. Oh, that's a stretch. Come on. And he's got like big he's got glasses that are taped up it's so funny it's what was the movie where he played the cello and he was like uh homeless guy with a mental illness yeah yeah it was uh i i actually think jamie foxx is more believable as a mental illness homeless cellist than

a nerd than a scientist right it's like I watched a movie last year where Mark Wahlberg was playing a professor and it was the least convincing thing in the entire universe I hate him with every fiber of my being

but sure you lived in Massachusetts you must love him okay I hate him with every fiber of my being. Sure, you lived in Massachusetts. You must love him. Okay, so we're at the kid's bookstore, and I go to buy these things, and the woman behind the counter is like, oh, she says, oh, yeah, during the pandemic, I read all the Berenstain Bears books.

You know, The Sun. you know uh yeah uh the sun they're written by stan and jan berenstein the sun took over when stan died uh he co-wrote them with jan and uh those ones aren't so good and then there's the ones after jan died that just the sun wrote those are terrible i mean she's like the oeuvre really went downhill after that cut him some slack imagine growing up being the the child the berenstain child yeah well it's like um a family circus right family circus yes famously the ones that billy draws are horrible they are horrible but there's one kid that the parent or the dad wrote it and there's three kids in the book but he had four kids so oh so there was one kid that was didn't make the family circus not me yeah not me the ghost um yeah it was you can imagine tense thanksgiving dinners

around the key seriously pass pass the mashed potatoes and also your dick for not including dad what did i do so wrong that it couldn't be in your dumb fucking comic? Pass the mashed potatoes and draw a little dotted line of how they make their way across the table. Oh, yeah. Man, I do love that family circus. So easy to read.

Pass the cranberry sauce and then suck it, dad. Wow, I can't believe that this woman was so like she had like very strong thoughts on the quality control of the better state imagine like reading all the berenstain bears books and you know that's an afternoon yeah like that cuts out a whole afternoon of the pandemic do you guys know about the berenstain conspiracy? Oh, yeah. Is it the Mandela effect thing? Yes.

Yeah. Yeah. But when did it change from Berenstein to Berenstain? Yes. I only know very little about it, but I do find it fascinating. The other one that was around for a while is everybody is convinced that sinbad was in a movie called shazam where where he played a genie but that movie doesn't exist and so people i feel like i feel like now that you say that i feel like i've seen

but yeah i feel like that is a movie that does exist yeah but apparently it doesn't and sinbad's never been in a movie like that shack was in a movie like that exist yeah but apparently it doesn't and Sinbad's never been in a movie like that Shaq was in a movie like that but called Kazam but yeah

a lot of people think that think that he was in a movie called Shazam oh man yeah so we're like is it we're in an alternate universe

is that what is the Nelson the Mandela effect is based on the idea that people think Nelson Mandela died in the 80s I don't know I didn't even think of what the Mandela effect meant I on the idea that people think Nelson Mandela died in the 80s.

I don't know. I didn't even think of what the Mandela effect meant. I didn't think of that either. And is it called the Mandela effect or we just think that it's called, but it's the Mandala effect. The Mandela effect after one of those fancy flowers. Is my dog named Dodger or is his name actually Dooger? Well, that's on, like, you could convince me of anything. I've never met your dog.

Is my dog Dooger? Come here, Dooger. Graham, what's your overheard? My overheard comes courtesy of I was having a sit down, you know, not like didn't have anywhere to go. So just to sit down on a bench. Real nice, you know not like uh didn't have anywhere to go so just to sit down on a bench real nice you know um sure and the police came by and told you to move along stop staring at these skateboarders sir and uh there was a couple of ladies a bench over and they were trying so hard to remember a celebrity's name and they were like they're like you know she's she's a famous musician she's a blonde she's young which is a lot of people

that's a lot of people in entertainment and uh i'm thinking kesha yeah it's okay it could be i was waiting to hear what the result was and And at one point, the woman said to the other, is it Taylor Swift? And she said, yeah, that's it. Taylor Swift. Swift? Yeah. She's like German or Dutch or something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Swift? Swift. Swift. But yeah, that just made me giggle inside. Swift. Taylor Swift? Swift? I know, that just made me giggle inside. Swift. Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift.

I know, she's not so young anymore. Born in 1989, famously. She's, you know, she's, what is she doing? I haven't followed her career of late. Well, she put out a lot of her old music again. She re-recorded her old music. Smart. Smart.

So that, you know, whoever owned it couldn't own it anymore. Oh, really? And then, yeah. That's quite a move. I mean, Def Leppard did it too, but no one cared. She also, she put out like two extra albums in the pandemic. Really? Yeah.

Busy. Busy. Yeah. She's the Jack White of? Yeah. Busy. Busy. Yeah. She's the Jack White of her generation. Okay. Don't you feel like Jack White is always

just putting out like six albums all the time? Yeah. It's just like this one album is just me noodling around in the garage.

And people are like he's so talented. Oh, did you listen? No. I refuse. I'd argue she's more the Berenstain Bears of her generation.

Yeah, that's true. They just keep popping out. Yeah, keep popping out. Everything's got a weird lesson in it about, you know, getting the gimmies. Or not fighting with your brother. Yeah, exactly. You know, and washing your feet or something like that. It would be a lesson about washing your feet.

Now, we also have overheards sent in by people from all over the place. If you want to send one in, you can send it to SPY at MaximumFun.org. And this first one comes from Jessalyn in San Jose, California. I was sitting outside a coffee shop in San Jose, and there's an older man loudly talking about politics at the next table. I just heard him say, without any awareness of what he was saying, Pelosi wouldn't be on the other side of the aisle. She's not a racist.

I mean, maybe her parents were. They were Italian. Okay. Yeah, so managed to sneak in a little... Wow. Yeah. A little politics yeah and and by the way she likes jenny's ice cream jenny's jenny's ice cream um yeah that's cool oh she wouldn't be

racist but i am racist here's why your parents might be racist um yeah i mean uh if you're looking for fresh takes on uh on political goings-on look to our elders see what they have to say uh well that's great and the next one comes from maggie from washington state i was at the thrift store browsing racks when I overheard two women on the other side of the rack chatting. Both women were super hip and edgy. One woman held up a sweater and commented how much she liked it. The other one said, I could probably

knit one like that if you want. To which her friend replied, I wish I knew how to knit. And her friend said, you could totally learn how to knit. It's just like coding, but with yarn. It is like coding, I think. That's how to sell that's how to sell macrame to the uh up and coming generation yeah because everyone's gonna you know you're gonna need to learn to code that's the thing i feel like i do need to learn how to code because that's well can you knit i don't know what i'd be coding but you know uh you know some kind of blog

i'm sure yeah can you knit a blog i feel like i'm gonna learn how to knit before i ever learn how to code frankly yeah yeah it's the same thing so yeah it's basically the same thing yeah it's all stem yeah it's all stem uh this last one comes from sean in toronto man walking with his angry looking four-year-old daughter look i'm sure there is some kid out there who's better at you better than you at the monkey bars but it's not about the competition yes that was a big thing monkey bars when you were a kid that was like if you could do them really, you were at the top of the heap, right? Yeah, I guess. Did you have them? I had them, but I don't remember being competitive about them.

Ellen, did you have them? I do remember having them, but I don't remember anything even remotely about them. Have you tried the monkey bars lately? It's hard. It's so hard. Oh, I wouldn't be able to do it. You can only do it when you weigh 40 pounds and you don't have to carry all your weight across. Can you imagine going to a doctor and having to say, like, I hurt myself on the monkey bars? When I was a kid in New York City, they didn't even have the soft padding on the ground.

It was like glass. Yeah, they... Just broken glass. And if you fell, you got really fucked up. Yeah, that was before Giuliani cleaned it up. Because David Dinkins pouring broken glass everywhere. Well, that there's all my overheard. Dave, do you have any?

In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. It's a little bit John Tesh. Yeah, it is John Tesh-y. He's married to Catherine McPhee from American Idol now.

Oh, is he the one that's like, it's scandalous because there's a huge age difference? No, it's cool because there's a huge age difference. I love it. Yeah, that's why we think David a huge age difference. I love it. Yeah, that's why we think David Foster is the best dude in the world. All right, here's the real phone calls. Hi, Dave Graham and virtual guests. This is Ellen from Philadelphia. I'm calling with a mishard.

Is that a thing? I was training some people at my work on something to do with an Excel spreadsheet. And one of the steps that I had to repeat myself on a couple times was how to delete the rows at the top of the table that made up the header. And one of my coworkers, who's queer, came up to me afterwards, and I'm also queer, queer came up to me afterwards, and I'm also queer, and said thank God that I wasn't on video during that meeting, because I absolutely lost

it every time you said delete the heteros. Anyway, thanks. Bye. Delete the heteros. That's not a bad placard, you know what I mean? Yeah. Good spreadsheet. Joke. Yeah, there's not enough... Oh oh what if somebody became the spreadsheet comedian and they just came up on stage and just showed like the elements of their

jokes and yeah you got to do control g on this one have you done when's the last time you had a spreadsheet running i i mean like i say i probably have never put a spreadsheet together in my whole life oh i i often use ones that other people have put together but i've there's very little spreadsheet game in the uh yeah it's true in my business there's not really a lot of need for spreadsheeting i i do it when I do my taxes. I can just like that one, you can do a sum equation of your monthly bill, which is what I call my period, but it is deductible. Money, the period of deductibles.

Here's your next overheard. Hey, David and Graham and possible guests this is John from Rochester, New York reporting from Denver, Colorado with an overheard I was in the parking lot of a large busy thrift store

in Denver where people are like pulling up and dropping things off constantly and some guys pulled up and grabbed some cardboard boxes, and the thrift store employee said, oh, sorry, we can't give those away. And the guy replied, I just bought a couch here.

I think I'm going to take a cardboard box. I pay your salary, man. Yeah, exactly. Buying a box is a real weird thing, right? Oh, yeah. They'll sell you one at Staples. Yeah, they'll sell you one at Staples or the UPS store or whatever. But that just means that you couldn't be bothered to just go to the liquor store and ask for boxes?

That's. Or the safe area. And you're at the liquor store anyway, cause you're an alcoholic. Yeah, exactly. It's 9am. You're there early. Um,

yeah. I've gotten boxes for free on Craigslist and like picked up boxes and they clearly were brand new boxes that this person had bought. And there were like 50 of them. And I was like, Ooh, yeah. yeah expender i used to work in a law firm and i had to i i worked as a clerk and uh one of my jobs was putting together boxes for storage for like old files yeah iron we had thousands of iron mountain boxes yeah yeah it's weird that there's like so many just files sitting around of like yeah and

and why why does my why is my law firm so like fancy they can't just use an old captain morgan box i remember buying like a box a u-haul box that you're supposed to put all your clothes on like a kind of thing and i just filled it top to bottom with all sorts of stuff so when the person i think i hired like one of those guys off of poster pool when he lifted it he assumed it was just like seven garments in there but it was just like so many things so i gotta move my cinder block collection he's like i think i got a hernia from your from your wardrobe who are you liberace yes what do you wear rocks all right here's your final overheard

hey jay hey graham uh i've got a very funny overheard to Colin. Oh, Jesus. Hold on. I'm walking my dog right now, and he's freaking out. Hey, Romulus. Wow. Roman. Calm down. Anyways. Should I just redo?

Yeah, let me redo this. I love that. That was the best part. Yeah. That was literally over her. That was so good. Oh, man. His dog's name is Romulus. All right, he called back.

Let him do it. Here we go. Hey, Dave and Graham and guests. This is Mike from Boston calling back again with an overheard. Please ignore the previous voicemail where my dog freaks out at another dog. No chance. Anyway, a long time listener. I've been listening since before the Max Funding.

Get on with it. So, overheard. before the max fun get on with it uh so overheard i was walking down the street uh to lunch after work because we're back in the office now and i walked past this guy in like a very uh cyberpunk kind of outfit he looked like he was going to a convention uh not like the kind of thing you wear on a day-to-day basis, maybe cosplay. And he's on the phone, I think, maybe just talking into his AirPods. And he walked right past me and he goes, I don't know what the deal with these sex robots is, but I want one in my bedroom right away.

Laughing. I couldn't contain myself at all. Anyways, off I go. Sex robots, right? I think I like the dog one better. Yeah, the dog one. Well, there was no, there was not going to be a champion

beyond that dog one. No, that's true. Romulus! Romulus, stop it! Romulus is a good name for a sex robot. Yeah, absolutely. Is that all them overheards? That's all of them.

Creamulous my geniulus. Well, Helen, thank you so much for uh being our guest absolutely thanks for having me this is fun um your podcast also on the maximum fun network is called go fact yourself and uh you guys have been doing how long have you been doing it for now? Wow, we've been doing it for like four years. Four years, my goodness. Yeah, we're coming up on our... We're coming up on 100 episodes. There you go.

Yeah. Yeah, good for you. And it's a fun show. If you've never heard it, it's a lot of fun. It's some fun trivia stuff. I'm on it sometimes. Dave was on an episode. He was on it once. He was able to conjure

up the name Choclair, which is what I was yelling at the computer when they were like name a member of the Rascals from Northern Touch. And what else? Where can people find you and enjoy your work? You can follow me on the socials at Funny

Helen Hong. Funny Helen Hong. Because some other bitches with my name have all my handles. Yeah. Yeah. But they're not funny. No, don't follow them.

Yeah. Come on. Follow. Go to the top. Only do the top. Helen Hong. Yeah. Yeah.

So everything funny Helen Hong. Yeah. Funny Helen Hong. I'm on a Netflix series right now called Never Have I Ever Season 2. Oh.

Oh, cool. Graham, you'd like that. It's young girls. Yeah. Are they skateboarding, though? Because if they're not, I'm out. No, no. No, you're out.

Yeah, exactly. And you have a special coming out someday soon. Someday. I don't know where. I don't know when. But hopefully it'll be called Well Hawn. Well Hawn. Absolutely. Well, I'm going to have to wait and see how it turns out called Well Hawn. Well Hawn. Absolutely.

Well, I'm going to have to wait and see how it turns out. I certainly hope that's the name of it. And thank you, everybody out there for listening. If you haven't done anything summery, be sure to do some sunscreening when you do, when you go out there. Be safe. And come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself maximum fun.org comedy and culture artist owned audience supported