Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 725 - Ese Atawo

Episode Date: February 8, 2022

Comedian Ese Atawo joins us to talk track and field, natural deodorant, and old neighbours.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 725 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who really knows his stuff, Mr. Dave Shumka. Oh boy, nothing gets past you. You took a while to recognize it, but I do know my stuff. Yeah. I've been...

I guess, is it innate or inert or have i been is it something i've studied yes it's something you studied but also you studied it because it came naturally to you yeah i guess it was i've always been drawing drawn to stuff uh not just the lad mag but also the you know the physical thing yeah um what why what are you getting at uh nothing i'm telling people that you know your stuff so graham uh it is the first uh recording since dry january oh yeah i'm having a wet feb i am just like oh i'm up to my angles in it guys and that wonderful laugh is our guest today first time guest to the podcast oh so funny she's a comedian she's put out a rap album which is the most amazing thing I want to talk about

it's Essie Itaewoo everybody thank you hey I love I love that cut in. I loved it. Wow. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, yes, everyone.

Dang, that was hilarious. Sorry. Did you? Yeah, I'm very wet today. I'm doing a Coors beer. I have a Coors. I've never had a Coors before. Is it Coors Banquet?

They don't make banquet anymore apparently but i like to the look of banquet i've never i don't think i've had coors light maybe i have uh yes yes i have a question i'm not a drinker i don't especially i don't drink beer and i'm assuming coors is the beer right yes okay you said is it a banquet like in my head i'm like banquet so i'm thinking is it like a barbecue flavor so does beer have flavors like chips have flavors totally yes really yeah there's barbecue ketchup are you serious he's not being serious but there is like chocolate kind of stuff and like stuff that's nutty and yeah you can get even like weird belgian like uh raspberry beers but mostly beers taste like different levels of ass

but this is they don't make coors banquet anymore apparently they make coors original what does banquet taste like it's supposed to be the fancier Coors for your, you know, your big events in life. The beige one. Oh yeah. That's the one. Wow.

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I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Coors was very much the drink that teenagers drink because they let anybody buy them alcohol at the liquor store and so somebody's in there and gets like

I guess they want Coors or Miller Lite I suppose is another one. The best the most value for money. You get you can buy the most beers with the least amount of money with like Coors or Kokanee Yeah. There's that one child that wants to try that like artisanal beer as their first drink Don't get me Coors kokanee. Yeah. There's that one child that wants to try that like artisanal beer at this,

as their first drink. Don't get me Coors. Yeah. Get me something from Belgium. I want the thing I saw on, you know, on Sex and the Stitches. Yeah,

exactly. When they're, when they go to that tasting. Yeah. Do we want to get to know us? Sure. Get to know us? Sure. Essay, thank you so much for being a guest.

This is a real treat. You are, let's establish who you are in the listener's mind. You are a comedian about town. You are an actor. You are a musician. And what else? What else is, I'm sure there's more hyphenates than just the three um um um i guess i don't know i don't like talking about myself oh that's all right i don't know i i'm writing now so i guess i can say i'm a want to be right uh okay now when you're

writing are we are we in a coffee shop or we in uh we cranking this out at home where's your where's your writing taking place oh dude i am cranking it everywhere it's just it is just it's i don't know i'm new to all of this so me just going it's just like i would like to find just one spot you know yeah i don't think i found it yet but i'm just yeah yeah home's hard because there's like all your stuff you could just like take a second shower or something like that or your face you know it could be that day oh god yeah but yeah but it's hard it's hard to write anything are you trying to write a television thing or a book or what are you trying to write something that makes sense my guy let's just start with that one let's start with that and then you can go from there but yeah

i don't know fair enough um do you like when i used to work at a coffee shop i would say half of the people there were writing something and then the other half were just enjoying coffee but it seems like that's the hub if you want to write something is go to your your local corner coffee place yeah i think i have to invest in in trying i tried that at the beginning but then i was so uncomfortable i think i had to like or i need to fight through that like uncomfortable part and then be like breakthrough or i don't know yeah and just figure figure out my vibe yeah it's uh i mean all the people that were writing in the coffee shop probably were writing stuff that was bad probably i don't recall anybody uh coming in and saying like i won a pulitzer and i wrote it all here in this coffee shop not yet that's right

that's right yeah they were on working on a 20 year uh what they finished yeah that's right are there any like jk rowling wrote the uh at least the first couple harry potters in a tea tea shop what at least a few sorry she didn't write the whole seven well no she wrote them all but i assume that by the time she uh the first couple were published she probably could write anywhere she wanted. Yeah. But there's a tea place with a huge plaque on its wall that says, this is the one that J.K. Rowling. A placard. Yeah, a placard.

Yes. But is there any other famous, like, this was written in Starbucks. Oh, well, I know Truman Capote, he always wrote in bed. He would write, like, with the bed and breakfast. And, of course, Trumbo wrote in the bathtub. He wrote in the bathtub. The guy who wrote Deadwood would only lie on the floor and dictate. So, you know, that's what you got to do.

Like you said, you got to figure out what's your space. Where are you able to kind of crank this out, you know that's what you gotta do you like you said you gotta figure out what's your space where do you where are you able to kind of crank this out you know yeah like i'm i'm specifically want to know about coffee shops like are there like there's so many people trying to write in coffee shops but is there only one example of success but like one thing was ever published there has to be there has to be let me see if i can google that there has to be. Let me see if I can Google that. There has to be. And what are your search terms? I don't know. Famous coffee shops. It's a sexual art product.

Oh, you tell me. Do you know who I think one of them probably was? What? The writer who came up with Sex and the City. I bet you they were in a coffee shop. Candice Bush now? Yeah. What are you finding? Is this google giving you anything or is it just i don't know what to search real coffee shops oh she's got searchers block yes oh trust me don't even get me started with actually you take the hand because my brain is fried sir i just submitted uh i'm actually very proud of it

i submitted a grant and my brain is gone so yeah so how like i've heard of people doing that how do you do that that's what i'm trying to figure out my dude by the way it is it's it's it's it's It's a thing. Now, according to this, Cafedelirium.com I go to this website all the time. That's my landing page is this. T.S. Elliott, Franz Kafka, Gertrude Stein, and F. Scott Fitzgerald all wrote while sitting in cafes. Okay.S. Elliot, Franz Kafka, Gertrude Stein, and F. Scott Fitzgerald all wrote While Sitting in Cafes.

Okay. Yeah. So. Good precedent. Shame on me. There was a guy who used to come in, and he was telling me that he was writing a spooky movie about Bigfoot. And I never believed him. And then I saw it.

It was on, like, a a cable channel and it was him his name was listed as the writer so congrats dude yeah i think franz kafka famously said oh i'd like i need to keep buying stuff like i'm renting the space you get that ever all the time all the time and i've i've now realized as an adult woman that i am a picky eater um and i'm very i'm very used to things or if i don't like a taste i don't want to be like forced to buy it again yeah what are your no-goes what are the ones that you're like and have you tried the sous vide bites at starbucks no i haven't starbucks okay

apparently i was shamed for drinking starbucks i'm not a coffee drinker i don't know things i don't know coffee well they all have coffees have different tastes like barbecue they've got oh yes still pickle absolutely but then i know starbucks isn't like the top tier of coffee it's our cores exactly yes yes um but their food looks so fake it's disgusting like everything that they have that they have to eat looks like that's plastic and i'm just like i can't eat that yeah no that's i mean that's completely it looks like they're selling plastic um sorry there's whole like uh businesses that you know like japanese restaurants will have like a sushi set in the front window and you can buy these like foods to have them on display i like the the ramen noodles that are like coming out of the bowl yes like two chopsticks suspended above that rule that rules uh it's easy

to take a photo with it that's fun um yeah so you say you're not a drinker and you're not a coffee person what kind of person are you are you a chip person oh you don't know me sir you don't know me you don't know my life you don't know anything about me dave okay uh yes i do like chips to deal with it what's your what's your favorite chip oh i love ketchup love ketchup. Ketchup is my favorite. What do you got? Are you a hostess person? You Lays? I'm a loyal Lays. Loyal Lays. Absolutely.

Good. But does Lays make a rippled chip or are they just straight up chips all the time? Listen, they are. They are. They have rippled barbecue. And then they also have, oh, they have their rippled regular 70 or 50 less less salted yes okay please thank you very much is that good i can't tell she says but it sounds not good 70 less salt in a in a plane chip a lot of salt some like chips for me

i mean i guess i retain salt a lot but uh but it just seems like with a plane chip with less salt is you're just eating a potato maybe i like a plant okay yeah yeah that's because you know what like not all chips have to be an assault on your senses right exactly i think i also like it bland. Yeah. Yeah. That's because you know what? Like not all chips have to be an assault on your senses. Right. Exactly. I think I also like it for the texture. It's just the crunch and it's just like, but oh my God, ketchup. That vinegar slap is just great.

Now, are you like me where you, uh, cause I like, if I eat a piece of candy, I'm like, that was bad for you. But if I eat a chip, I'm like, this was a penne a tato, so this is fine. Fuck that bad. Yes, yes, I am that person. That's why I love them too much. Yeah. Do you dip? Are you a dipper? I am not a dipper. I'm not

a saucy person. My personality makes up for that, for sure. But I don't like sauce and dips. Graham, are you a dipper? I will be at a party if it's set out that way, especially if there's baby carrots.

Watch out. I'm going to dip all over the place. Going to get it on my shirt, going to get it around my mustache. Don't care. That's where I'm posted all the way through the party. You, Dave, do you dip? I'm not really a chip person i've had more chips in the last year than i think i ever have yeah but i uh i don't think of like i've i'm not gonna put

by myself a dip i also don't like plain chips and i don't feel like i would be mixing very flavorful chips with also very flavorful right yeah yeah one of them has to take a back seat yeah um and you know chips are their front seat all the way um the uh uh is there anything i was like chips is your go-to what is something that's like absolutely not you will not eat will not drink what is like outside of booze and coffee and starbucks i'll drink the booze and the coffee and that starbucks mocha with milk um that's my generic uh lovely drink um uh i'll drink that but um i just like my body i think because i just I grew up in sports. So my body's just like, no more stoppage. Kind of thing.

So I was just like, okay, sure. I'm just used to that. What sports did you play? What sports did you play that you did? I ran, so track, and I played soccer. Oh, cool. So track, and I was a midfielder, so. What was your event on track, or were you just across the board?

I was a sprinter. Sprinter. Um, one, uh, a hundred, 200 long jump and high jump. Wow. That's a lot.

That's a variety. Holy cow. Were you, were you good? I was, I was naturally good. I was naturally good. Uh,

I never invested in my talents. Uh, great. Uh, yeah. Um, yeah. So I was just naturally good at it. Yeah. I, uh, great yeah yeah the house was naturally good at it yeah I remember trying

track and field and I thought it was naturally good at it until we went to a track meet and the guy like almost laughed me and that was just the long jump how do you get laughed just the long jump. How do you get laughs in the long jump? Dave, wow.

Dave's killing it. Sorry, should I lower my volume? Because that was loud. No, that's good. I like it that way. Oh, goodness. All right. Did you, like, do you continue through university? Or was this just a high school thing?

And then... No, I mean, like, I did it throughout elementary school and high school. Because, again, I was naturally good. I feel I love how humble I am right now. But it wasn't until my last year of high school actually because i kept on winning all the competitions i can't not be i don't i can't help not sound like i'm so cocky right now yeah it's like i won all my competitions throughout high school and it was like my last and then every fucking coach wanted me so badly because i was just like sure i'll run and whatever um but don't have to tell me to run i'll just run away i just don't care but anyway

so there's one girl at a different high school forget the high school and i just like i won every race and this was her she got transferred from like she got transferred from another school to this school that's why she was in our district oh and um because her family moved and then we ran and this bitch was just like fucking she's just you're saying bolted and like my body my whole body was in shock of like what the fuck and just to see this bitch, just like, and again, she did not. I,

again, cocky brag. Every time I would run, I never really sweat. It's just like, okay, it's just a thing. Right.

I had to like, so you would just run into the school and no problem. I ran back home. It's on my way home. But this bitch actually physically made me work out. And I was out of breath for the first time, my fucking life. And I was just like, shit. like shit right fuck and then i'm like do i care about track nah let's not i know there's like a comedian that has a joke that says like i

really wanted to be a boxer until i met somebody who really wanted to be a boxer. Exactly. Exactly. She was, she was a force. And, uh, yeah. Where did you grow up? Uh,

Toronto, Toronto, Ontario. Uh, I went to school, uh, Vaughn secondary, like a Thornhill.

Vaughn. I've been to Vaughn. Do you like it? Yeah, it's fine. They have a Dave and Buster's there. If I recall correctly. I don't know how it is now

but well there used to be there was a yuck yucks in that complex and there was dave and busters and then there was also a dueling pianos restaurant did you ever go to that because it was no i wasn't into comedy when i lived back home oh yeah but were you into dueling pianos? Oh, you know I was, Dave. Every night. Did you go to the dueling pianos, Graham? Yes. What do they do? One will play one song and the other will play another song.

And then the songs that they both know, they'll play together. They'll kind of accent each other. But we're talking like your Billy Joel's, your Elton John'ston john's you're yeah you're benfolds benfold five absolutely uh some keyboardist from some obscure metal band uh-huh okay you're yanni's you're yanni's um you're tesh but you know what it's it's probably not there anymore so you probably missed your chance to see the dueling piano shucks yeah why'd you move out this way why'd you come Vancouver

just to change you know yeah you know like do you have any folks out here or you just packed up and left I left on my own I just wanted I don't know i was just like i do

something different essay and then i i moved here and uh eventually my brother now lives here with his wife oh cool kids so they moved here because my brother's like why not so yeah i came on my own that's cool that you thought it's time to change something and then you actually did it because often when i say i gotta change something 12 seconds later i'm like yeah you know what i can't keep having chips every night speak for yourself dave you don't know my life um yeah that's cool because uh i think i moved out here with the same idea except i just didn't want to live in a place that was cold anymore yeah do you find that like having been in toronto where it gets so cold that the winters are kind of nice weird because like in toronto it's so weird

like this hasn't been vancouver is freaking gorgeous love vancouver it's so beautiful yeah but like it's not toronto and i miss that so much it's not home right um and that hasn't that hasn't changed and i've been here for like eight years uh but anyways and you don't feel like this is your city yet this is yeah i don't feel like this is my city but toronto's cold the thing is is that we would be in cars so like i you never yeah i kind of really experienced the cold because from your home into the car into your destination just those like hot moments and again our jackets are like you're bundled yeah that's true we had a few days this winter that were like minus 10 here yes and that was like honestly like walking around a minus 10 is nicer than walking around in like

plus two in the rain yes that's the thing and also toronto doesn't suffer from the rain like back home in toronto even if it is minus 30 or whatever uh if you're relatively wrapped up you and dry you're fine yeah so it's just like the rain here is what gets you yeah yeah i just but like bought a waterproof coat to just throw over like i never had that before i just always use an umbrella but i a convert to the like i know the way the storms were so terrible in november i was like like walking the dog i had two coats going i was like okay like walking the dog. I had two coats going. I was like, okay, well, the coat from this morning is still wet. So I need to take out a different coat for the afternoon walk. Yeah, no kidding.

And like the thing that I love about Toronto when you visit in the winter is whenever you go to a bar, there becomes a table or a set of chairs that becomes the place where all the people put their giant jackets. And so restaurants just naturally have less capacity there because. Yeah. chairs that become the place where all the people put their giant jackets. Restaurants just naturally have less capacity there because But there's a table over there! There's bags and jackets on it. Yeah, exactly. We can't move those. They actually didn't have to have COVID restrictions

in Toronto because they already have every other table. Gosh, they've been quarantining and giving space yeah yeah how has all this horribleness been for you horrible for you as for everybody I mean don't we all have our own

bags of horribles you know we've got several right it's been eventful I mean it's life i don't know yeah well you're writing a grant you're getting things done getting things done i injured myself so i'm recovering from that so it's just like a lot of like cool things to keep me you know focused you know well yeah an injury is something you could focus on that's not a bad way to pass the time see how much your bruise develops and that kind of stuff.

Exactly. Tell me about the injury. We can't just, like, not let you talk about the injury. No, that's true. Yeah. It's Chekhov's injury. We have to. Oh, yes.

This is not an emotional injury like most of my injuries are. I tore my Achilles tendon. Oh. All the way? All the fucking way, my dude. was it the worst ever uh it was the thing is it was such a weird moment because i was just being myself silly yeah and i was hopping around and i landed on my left foot people think comedians were so funny we just hop around everywhere like we just have silly lives i hop around because why not um i'm that comedian and um i hopped around and landed on my left foot

heard a pop and then thank you and then i supermanded down because i didn't want to land on it and then i'm like something's wrong i felt zero pain it was not painful don't worry about it don't cry don't guys stop crying i've heard i've heard people say it's the worst pain you can experience i've heard that as well but and then like you can feel it go because isn't it like go all the way up your leg yes like it's an elastic band that snaps and goes yes so apparently what's supposed to do when it's clean snapped, it rolls up like a tape and there's a little bulb that's right underneath or maybe. Proof by the foot, yeah.

Exactly. So my brother, I was with my brother when it happened. He was so confused because like nothing rolled up. He was like, Essie, why did you stop hopping? We were hopping. We got together to hop. No, he doesn't hop. I'm the only one that hops.

No one hops when I'm hopping. But it didn't roll up. So it was confusing because naturally. But then he was like, maybe it's a partial tear or because it didn't roll up. We were so confused by that. We went to the hospital. The doctor was like, like yeah that's a clean cut and i'm just like great yeah was this during covid you know it was december 26 2021 my friend

oh my god this is a recent one this is on boxing day the holiest of canadians you were probably hopping from sale to sale i was i couldn't i couldn't don't you dare make me cry what uh oh my gosh was it scary being in a hospital during the pandemic no i wasn't i wasn't scared okay you're very brave i'm a brave girl yeah you're one of our braver guests we interviewed a lot of chickens on here let it yeah cowardly lion hey they're finding themselves let's not rush um yeah the uh uh so like do you have to get surgery for it or what do you have i did i did i i came back here and then i yeah i got surge okay yeah and are you are you so that was like a month ago, just over a month ago. What is your mobility? I have upgraded, thank God, to walking with one crutch.

So that's good. I'm slowly taking little steps without no crutches. So it's completely like connected. I still have to be cautious, of course. And I'm still wearing this amazing air boot that has been with me since day one. Oh, sure. The air boot is like, that's, to me, it's like as revolutionary as roller luggage. Like, it's a thing that was there, and it was, you know, they were putting people in

casts the whole time, and then it's like, no, put a balloon around the thing, and that'll save it from getting jostled or broken again. Right? Am I wrong about this? I mean, it's really holding this in. I was laughing because I was like, that's your go-to reference for a

brilliant invention, roller luggage? But you're right. It's like an obvious thing that, why did we carry luggage for so long? Yeah, just the fact that nobody thought of like, oh, you know, if they could do? Let's put a couple wheels on this. Are you sad that you won't be able to

beat any high schoolers at the 100 meters? I'm not in high school anymore, Dave. I know, but don't you dream of it? Do you know what, you horrible human? I do. I do look at people's ankles now and i and i think about mine and i'm like you lucky bastard you get to walk yeah it's a bad season to see people's

ankles right because everybody's wearing boots but i miss them i miss seeing people's ankles i can't wait for summer to see those bad boys out there in the world it is crazy how you oh is this has been such a fun process. That's all. And then, uh, you're, you're going to be, uh,

better than ever. I assume now that you've had the surgery and then you've been in the boot, this is, then you're like, this is your, it's lifetime guarantee that your Achilles doesn't tear again. What, uh,

the doctor promised. Exactly. Like, do you ever think about the fact that, like, they say that the first person to live to be 150 has already been born. And dead already. Which is the conundrum. Whoa!

But, like, if we can live that long, like, wouldn't it be possible to, like, tear your Achilles tendon multiple times? I tore it at 30 I tore it at 80 I tore it at 120 can you imagine working till you're 120 so that you can enjoy your like 30 30 years before oh man it sounds horrible the future is so like programmed that the doctor's like well your next achilles appointment's gonna be in like we have to renew it like we have to renew our passports like every 10 years yeah you got a new hip at 80 you're gonna probably need another one at 140 but then i only have like 10 years left. Yeah, but it's 10 years.

Well, I'm starting to hear about this injury, but you seem high spirits. Hey, that's great. Yeah. Did you, this was December, were you visiting family or was this here in Vancouver? No, this was in America. America, the pinnacle of it all. It all happens, America. What were The pinnacle of it all. It all happens. America. What were you doing in America?

My amazing brother lives there with his family. And I haven't seen him in two years. Is it the same brother who moved to Vancouver? No, I have two brothers. Aha. You have two brothers. Ooh. Two brothers.

And a sister. Let's not forget about her. Where's she? She's in Toronto with mom and dad. Okay. She's back. She's origin. And then here is with you.

And then somewhere in the States. I want to guess Tulsa. That's my guess. No, no, no, no. I'm no, don't let me guess. Okay. I like, oh boy. But the look on your face, it was like, oh, maybe it's Tulsa. So it's Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Okay. I'll go with Topeka, Kansas. Oh, I'm really bad at geography but this is what happened you tell me right if you guys are close they were in Oklahoma Tulsa's in Oklahoma they were in Oklahoma

but then they moved to Washington State Pullman, Washington. Okay. Okay. Right. So it wasn't too far to get back to a doctor who you could afford. Exactly. A free one.

It's crazy. I mean, I don't know. I spoke to a nurse here and they told me that if Americansicans hurt themselves too it's roughly the same price so it's just like it's best to be home to be injured yeah regardless yeah i've always said that the injuries start at home that's when the big plaque in my uh on my front door yeah yeah i i mean most of my injuries do happen at home yeah that's true stubbings of toes hangnails uh rolling down stairs yeah yeah and it wasn't too expensive i mean everything's expensive but yeah um what they made you pay for the surgery no i came back for the surgery the emergency room? The emergency room. Oh, emergency room. Yes. Crazy.

Crazy. Well, I'm so glad you're okay. Because that's... I know people who have been in the States. And then they've been there so long that when they come back to Canada, their healthcare has to take six months for their healthcare to kick in. Oh, yes. I thought that didn't happen.

Yeah. No, yeah. Ugh. Ugh. I don't think that happens if you just go over Christmas. No, every, every day counts as a week.

And so, yeah. What? So you have two brothers scatter all over the place. Sister, do you have a nephew's nieces? What are we, what are we charting here?

How much, what arecestry.com? Yes, Dave. I'm from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and I'd like to talk to you about your ancestry. I have nephews and nieces. I have two nephews and one niece. They're amazing. Yeah. Graham was saying beforehand he wanted to ask you about your rap album.

Oh, my God. Man, oh, man. Like, can i just say that guys i heard you did an event at little mountain i could not get in because it was so packed and even you graham even me local even me local bon vivant yeah exactly it was so packed and i specifically asked that you couldn't come in oh that's weird because i did see a sign that looked a lot like me with the circle with the line through it but I was like

that could be anybody else. Why aren't they letting Papa Smurf in here? No Papa Smurf lookies. But everybody I know that saw you perform that night just couldn't use enough kind of hyperbole

to explain it. They thought it was so great but I thought it was a thing that you were just doing for one night I didn't realize that you made a whole album I didn't realize I was making a whole album too so a lot of things just happen when you don't plan things yeah that's true yeah I started off as a weird comedy

character and then it escalated into like and tell us the name of the weird comedy character oh uh and then it escalated into like and tell us the name of yes please share the oh yes wow her name is little clitty she's a rapper she's a rapper and she's a great rapper because oh you are too kind no i thought it was like listening to a professional album i had no idea that you you put together an album that's insane i mean that is kudos to uh jeffrey walter he's just an amazing brilliant musician human uh so he really he really he pulled his weight that's for sure yeah now i'm i just looked up a little i just looked up a little pardon me a little clitty. Thank you. On Spotify.

First of all, take your music off Spotify. What are you against, Neil Young? That's how they frame it now. And I see track titles. I see a song called My Ass. I see a song called The D. I see a song called My Ass. I see a song called The D. I see a song called Come. Of course.

What is this? This is my line of questioning. Yeah, good line of questioning. What is this? Is society falling apart? Is this okay for... Society is falling apart. Let's talk about that for a moment.

Yeah, that's true. Little Clitty is a woman who is a former accountant a 47 year old accountant who decides to be a rapper because she's just too sad uh to deal with life um and right and uh in order to like understand what she's going through and she's also very hypersexual because she's just a sad woman who just wants sex all the time uh everything is sexualized every encounter she has is highly sexualized into ridiculous songs love it so yeah and how did you like was that just something that popped in your head or were you like i'm gonna cultivate uh alter ego uh it was just it's a mixture of many things of an alter ego because they're fun to have yeah that's true um why not yeah and i love i love hip-hop but i'm not a huge

hip-hop head and like i don't know too much about the the culture but i'm such a fan yeah and um and like the women are just so funny to me they They're just like, but like powerful and like sexy and like amazing. Like me being a weird one. I just like, how, how can I, how can the same one be, but just the weird and funnier. Did you end up doing more live shows or was it just that? I know that night was a big, phenomenal night where you, then you do other shows as a little lady. I have done other shows

uh just like a song or two uh i did a few for um uh the hero show um here and there if i can but not too much because i just i don't know it's it's i think it's so much fun i've never had an alter ego but i definitely think uh i'm interested I'm interested in the process of having an alter ego. They're fun to have. They're fun to have. So consider it. Yeah. I'm thinking about it.

Should I wear a wig? Where do you even start? Where do you even start getting an alter ego? Yeah, Graham, I think with an alter ego, boy, would yours be musical or like a superhero? Oh, yeah. Those are like the big alter egos it's it's either you're you know slim shady or bruce the bruce valance bad guy yeah i guess probably the musical one the chris gaines oh oh yeah yeah sasha fierce yeah yeah what was the difference between sasha fierce and beyonce

they didn't seem she sasha fierce had like a golden glove or something i think she was still i think she was still beyonce she just had the album called i am sasha fierce but just remember i'm still beyonce i don't i don't know and that's the thing and that's the really that's also what i like to play with i like the difference between what's her alter ego, like to who she really is. I love it. Um, so that's just the joke of it too.

So they're both, they're just two random, sad women who live in the same body. As long as they're sad, I'm happy. Yeah. Um, yeah,

but it's, it's fun. She's a lot of fun. She's a lot of fun. Yeah. And any more of it or you've hit your cap of it? I haven't I guess I'm going into a new chapter of this lovely woman

the grant was really for her did you submit it like yes this is Clitty talking this is Clitty's handwriting it had to be a video essay it was a lot of water a lot of lube a lot of pineapples don't ask why it was crazy oh my gosh her name is little clitty d. I don't. Anywho.

Yeah. So it was. I forgot the question. There's no. There's just an overall. I'm just. I'm taking it in. I'm fascinated.

Yeah. Graham loves it. I love it. Graham loves it. I'm waiting to be convinced. Hey. Dave loves the name. He loves saying the name. I know that.

Well, you know what? Let me see the grant. Let me have a look at the grant application and all. That's my alter ego. That's your alter ego? The guy who decides who gets

grants. You hear that guy Bob? He's so mean. He said so many mean things about my grant I submitted. Oh hi Dave. Anyways, we're talking about Bob. Oh boy, that guy's a real thorn in my side. bob he's so mean he said so many mean things about my grant i submitted oh hi dave anyways we're talking about bob yeah oh boy that guy's a real thorn in my side too but he's pretty handsome you got to admit he's got a way with grants uh um dave what's going on with you my friend oh you guys big week for me so uh this fall i got into natural deodorant okay so slow down yeah slow down dave let's

really marinate in this story set up dave okay i'm in it okay so my whole life i've not my whole life since i was like 13 i've been using speed stick yeah uh and then where it's what the pros are it's what like uh you know athletes wear yeah yeah absolutely and it comes in a tube no a stick it's a stick and it's like squeeze out a little deodorant when you're up they get it in a tube no a stick it's a stick and it's like squeeze out a little deodorant when you're up they get it in a tube that's right it's next to their mayonnaise tube um it comes in a stick and you put it on your armpit and the stick i use the kind that is like like uh light blue sure it's kind of translucent and you can see through the blue it's like a mac computer from the early 2000s yeah yeah uh and then uh this summer actually i got uh well i got a nice

piece uh i got a nice deodorant a nice natural deodorant and i'm gonna try this i didn't try it in the summer though because it was like i don't want to we had a huge heat wave i was like i don't want to try you don't have too much pressure on this yeah i don't want it to like you know let's work our way up just mad you don't want to like force yourself yes yes i it wouldn't be fair to judge it during the hottest day of my life sure yeah so i waited for fall and then i put it on and it's like uh it smells like a cucumber okay because that's the smell i got because i don't like the traditional man smells i don't want it to smell like leather or wood. What about barbecue chips?

That might be good. I don't like the way that men's hygiene products smell. Okay, sure. Which is holding me back, I think. Because men don't respect me when they smell me. Do you men smell each other like dogs?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We go to that restaurant that's in the dark and we can tell dogs just like yeah yeah yeah we go to that restaurant that's in the dark and we could tell who's in there by their scent who let a woman in here no it's dave he's just oh it's miss mrs cucumber 2022 first and foremost a scent just not david that's not anyhow i uh anyway so i i got this cucumber stuff and it's it's good it's not the clear blue that i'm used to it's like white pasty play-doh like me yeah it's like flour and water this is just in a stick and and it's great it's great. It's great. It smells fine.

At the end of the day, I don't stink and that's all that matters. I don't use antiperspirant because apparently that's not so good for you. You got a perspint. You got it.

Yeah, I got a perspire. Is this the one that you just get at a regular store? Do you have to go to someplace that sells or, you know? No, no, no.

This is just a regular store but it's expensive it's like 15 a stick fuck that i can buy three real cucumbers with that as is uh miming is somebody doing this with the cucumber under their pits i i like i don't know how often i go through regular deodorant until i start spending 15 on a stick of deodorant and then i'm like this lasted four months okay yeah yeah yeah yeah uh so i got a new i bought a new one when i ran out uh this past week and i but there because it's $15 a stick, you know how when you finish a thing of deodorant, there's always that little bit that's stuck in the plastic cradle?

What do you do? Normally, I throw that away. But at $15 a stick, I'm like, all right, let's see if I can do the thing. You know how when you get two bars of soap and you try to attach the sliver of one to the big one? I just did that today, and it was very satisfying. Oh, and the old one tries to get into the nooks and crannies of the word zest. So I did that with my deodorant.

I tried to meld the old one, just pull that little bit out and stick it to the top of the new deodorant. And for a couple of days it was working okay. And then it just started coming apart. and for a couple days it was working okay and then it just started coming apart and uh just chunk giant chunks of deodorant of my old deodorant was falling off the new deodorant this is disgusting so i want it said on the record that this is disgusting it's not though it's not it's just deodorant so that's fine and covered in your hairs nope it's not it's totally cool and totally clean and great. So some was on the floor,

and then it wasn't rolling on very well, and then I had kind of big chunks hanging from my armpit hair. Everybody's turned off the podcast by now. Yeah. But I was like... I was like, this is fine. As long as there's chunks in my armpits,

that's fine. I'll be fine all day. Yeah. Did it melt away? Or are you just like, it's done? Well, I figured it'll melt away. It'll dissolve. It'll attach to my skin and absorb or whatever.

I don't know. Abs attach to my skin and absorb or whatever i don't know absorb into my skin and then i'll become some kind of cucumber man that's your alter ego holy shit cucumber man was just here dave oh why do they call him that because he's is it because of what he's packing no it's his odor he's always exactly like yeah oh gosh uh anyway so that happened yesterday and then this morning i totally forgot about that happening and i was in the shower cleaning and there were still just giant chunks stuck to my armpits so it did not dissolve um so that is dollars no way jose yeah like i mean it's nice to invest in yourself but 15 bucks i don't know if i'm investing in myself in those armpits you are

do you remember would you what's your like most iconic uh deodorant commercial memory oh i don't recall one that's like epic just like some girl with a guy at the end of the day so yeah yeah yeah yeah iconic the one the iconic one is i'm sure the same for me as it is for you dave a man uh showering under a waterfall and peeling off chunks of irish spring soap to uh to sun with it with a with a knife with a knife yes yeah yeah and graham thinks irish spring soap is deodorant it is man if you smell that stuff whoo i know the was it secret was strong enough for a man but ph balanced for a woman yeah thank you for being so considerate. And then raise your hand if you're sure the, like, Statue of Liberty.

Just, like, wearing sure deodorant. Does a helicopter fly in with a big tube? Yeah, I feel like. It's that one guy driver has to do the shift of, like, ugh, got to drive that massive deodorant now. But you're right, Graham. I did.

When I asked that question, the first thing I thought it was like, did someone use a knife to like cut bits off of a deodorant? But no, it was Irish spring. It was Irish spring soap, which is like I say, it's very,

very fragrant. It takes on the, the, the, you know what it's like to have uh deodorant on i just use speed stick and uh have for years yeah i still do what's your odor green yeah i'm blue and every time i get it i'm like i smell it in the store and i'm like i'm not active fresh are you like because they all all the names are the

same thing yeah am i active fresh or ocean surf who are you i say what's your go-to what's your deodorant oh oh i have arm and hammer natural deodorant yes keeping it simple keeping it basic arm and hammer stuff rules. Just natural. Natural. I use their laundry soap. Not done. See, there's anything natural about that. It's blue.

Yeah. But, uh, the, the, the deodorant I use, like the speed stick I use, I think I use it because it smells the most like laundry.

Right, right, right, right, right, right. Um, yeah,

no, my armpit smells like my wrestling coach from high school so that's that's the whoa let's unpack that well you know like this is why you're wrestling coach yeah wrestling coach would get you know you have to get down there and show the moves so you were spending a lot of time near the armpit area and were you on the wrestling team yeah yeah i was on the wrestling team were you really yeah how'd you do again like my try career didn't i kept on winning because there was no one in my class category i never had to compete in ontario you go to the place called offset so i never got to i never fought anybody we did have practice though okay yeah and then eventually there's one girl who was in my class

and i had to fight her and i'm like this is hard i am fine so yeah no i was the same like i remember uh talking to the guy i was about to my opponent before we went on the mat and i was just like you know what i think you're gonna win psychologically i was like i'm not trying to fake you out i really do think you're gonna win the difference was i thought i was gonna win but then i was like oh shit you okay yeah oh no it's a real it's humbling and i'll give that to you i'm not gonna fight back yeah so that's that's the scent i'm used to from all time well that that's great um so i just wanted to share like that misadventure uh yeah so in short no nothing is going on um uh what's up what about you graham well here's the thing that uh that is a blessing from above

i have a blessing to share uh people i don't know you to be a religious man no but this is very this is some higher power did this uh for a year now maybe longer i've lived underneath people who clomp all the day long clumpy clump clump he the the male of the couple that lived there uh used to practice jujitsu in his apartment so we heard that all the time ah yeah don't worry about it and then they had a baby and the baby's very like upset a lot of the time. Exactly. Just a baby. A baby is learning jujitsu.

Yeah, exactly. And it's hard to get them in the mode because they can barely dress in the gi. Oh, it's so cute, though. Baby gi. But anyways, a couple of days ago, heard all sorts of kerfuffle going up there. They moved out. Whoa moved out whoa yeah yeah yeah how long have they been above you about a year they they moved in just i think just before the kid arrived do you think maybe yeah this is what happened i mean i don't know what happened

never mind go on no this is just it was a celebration then true to form they when they were moving out they put their stuff all over the building like every hallway was jammed with their stuff but uh they're gone they're gone i drank champagne that night no you did i did yeah absolutely i went to the liquor store i got champagne no way it wasn't gonna mark this occasion so yeah thank you that's and they had to renovate the apartment before they moved in so it was already being renovated for like three or four months and then they moved in and they were clomping all over the place they're they're headed into that big clomper in the sky yes now the heavens were listening there was this was like a big thing on the show for a long time

because graham didn't know who they were yes he thought they were another couple with a baby yeah that couple turned out to be great they were great and we love them here at the uh the apartment complex that i'm part of melrose place it's called it's a yeah i know i know i live in a very nice warm it's in the warm part of the city um but yeah the the whole time they've been up there it was like such a bad fit the whole time uh they they would have fights and everybody in the building could hear them and talk to other people in the building uh no but i know just because if i can hear it in my apartment surely the apartment across from them or next door to them would hear right and you know what that's not fair it's not a fair fight he's been practicing jujitsu all the day

long while she's been taking her little baby so how could it be an even fight you know what i mean well hopefully they're not fighting that way no i uh they they fought verbally and they really did a great job because it was probably the fight the fight of the year in the building you know it's it's hard to go to the rankings and see who uh had the best year is there a is there a second it would anyone come in second in that there was a lot of passive aggressive work being done by the mailbox which i think is the second contender for biggest fight oh sure yeah what is this who does this belong to don't just take the mail out stuff like that like are these just notes being left or these in-person arguments they're as far as i know

they're uh just notes but maybe maybe they've met one another and then like turned it into a note fight but there's been a lot of note fights and uh those are the number two and then you know what the struggle that's within all of us is number three the daily fight of being alive there's a building across the street from us that has uh four mailboxes outside uh for i guess there's four people or four units in the building and uh two of the mailboxes someone has written, has like taken masking tape and written, no junk mail and put it on these mailboxes. But like, just do it on all four. Just like, just like. That's right.

Just assume no one wants junk mail. Just being so rude about it. I'm the one who hates junk mail. You guys. Yeah, it's my thing. And me too yeah but yeah so the couple upstairs hit the road uh i didn't say anything to him when i saw the guy in the lobby i was just like i know it's you you're moving out not gonna say good luck uh not even gonna acknowledge it just i gave him a head nod that let me know, let him know that I know what's going on.

And that was it. Yeah. What, what, uh, do you think anyone delivering junk mail is ever thinking, well, surely what I'm delivering isn't junk mail. This is high quality. Yes. This is half off ribs at buy low. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm, I'm, uh, telling these people what a good real estate agent I am and all those houses I've sold. Do you think real estate agents go and in their flyers just like, someone's going to call me? Yeah, they do. Someone's going to call me. We get them like once a month. Now, do you get the pad of paper or just the... Oh, the pad of paper rules. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Getting the pad of paper with the person's face on every single page was and their magnets yes absolutely yeah there's a lot of ways to get just like the pamphlet that says we sold these four houses this month and i wear a red hat i'm wearing a red fedora in my picture now Now, that's the problem that... I would go to that real estate agent. Yeah, because she knows all the world. She's been around, Cameron Sandiego. Yeah, she's stolen all kinds of things from us.

I assumed it was a he. I'm excited. I was like, let me see where he needs to take me. Yeah. It's like men can't wear that kind of pork of pork by black hat anymore because it was on breaking bad and women can't wear red fedoras because of carmen san diego sorry ladies um what guess i'll burn mine has a new tenant moved in yet no there's a there's definitely like like cleaning crews i wouldn't be surprised if they

didn't even clean the apartment upon leaving so uh somebody's in there scrub a dubbing in the last two days positive vibe yeah yeah exactly the next yeah the next person like let's just hope they don't have hobbies that you know conflict yeah i want somebody who's building a model i want somebody who's you know a professional sleeper I try all the Sealy products before they send them out yes I'm a mattress tester but no fucking

not in my contract yeah so that's it the neighbors our long national nightmares over until the new nightmare begins yeah positive vibes do you kind of miss it do you miss like are you worried that like oh this is my thing having the bad neighbors was my thing i had yeah that's true and uh but you know what there's bad neighbors everywhere i go so there's a chance that my next-door neighbor's going to be bad.

I tried to have a conversation with her the other day. Woof! It's hard to get any response out of her. She had her arm in a sling, so you'd think that would be a good entry. I got jujitsu'd by somebody. Yeah. She's all distraught.

Oh my gosh, you scared me sorry i'm clumsy you see uh uh should we move on to overheards yeah did your neighbor back into your car bring that case to judge judy think the mailman might be the real father? Give that one to Judge Mathis. But does your mom want you to flush her ashes down the toilet at Disney World when she passes away? Now that's my jurisdiction.

Welcome to the court of Judge John Hodgman, where the people are real, the disputes are real, and mistakes are often unusual. If I got arrested for dumping your ashes in the Jungle Cruise, it would be an honor. I don't want to be part of somebody getting a super yacht. I don't know at what point you want to go into this, but we've had a worm bin before. Available free right now at MaximumFun.org. Judge John Hodgman, the court of last resort when your wife won't stop pretending to be a cat and knocking the clean laundry over.

Hey kid, your dad tell you about the time he broke Stephen Dorff's nose at the Kids' Choice Awards? In Dead Pilots Society, scripts that were developed by studios and networks but were never produced are given the table reads they deserve. When I was a kid, I had to spend my Christmas break filming a PSA about angel dust. So yeah, being a kid sucks sometimes. Presented by Andrew Reich and Ben Blacker. Dead Pilots Society, twice a month on MaximumFun.org

You know, the show you like. That hobo with the scarf who lives in a magic dumpster. Doctor Who. Yeah! Doctor Who. Yeah. Overheard. Time now for the Overheard segment of the show. If you ever hear something real good, real juicy, don't just keep it to yourself. Don't just save it for neighborhood gossip.

Send it to us because we're going to make the best use of it. And we always like to start with the guests. Essay, take it away. Hi. Hi. So this is my overheard. Oh, hi. Hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you all. So my overheard happened at the Vancouver General Hospital. I was at the, at my doctor checking out my foot and i was chilling in my lovely room uh really nice and waiting for the doctor and then i heard and i heard a demon's voice i heard like at first i thought i imagined. Because this grant really took me for a fucking spin, sir. So I'm like, did I just imagine that voice? And it was like, and I'm not lying to you.

Like that. But like deeper. And I'm just like, and then I heard it again. And I'm just like, what the fuck? And then I heard nurses and doctors responding to this man but they had such fear in their voice but he was asking normal questions like so do I just put my foot in water for whatever long like do I soak my foot in water like general questions and then they responded like uh yes just um 30 minutes and then just like you know

towel it off and everything should be great like it was just like what am I what's happening right now yeah you have to soak your foot or hoof whatever you want to call it yeah and then we see him roll out and he's like well thank you very much for your time just being kind just a little

just an old guy an old guy which is his voice was just so it was deeper than deep it was just like i thought it was a demon it was just so yeah it was so oh i can't if you're gonna run into a demon anywhere it's gonna be in a church or a hospital those are the two things the two backdrops so you were right to suspect it might be something otherworldly that's why i was just like that was that was a weird and it happened when you messaged me i'm like i gotta tell somebody because i'm like no one's it's just what do you now are they in the are you are do you have

to soak your foot in water no i don't know what he had but uh what i wasn't there wasn't the was not that he was just asking a general foot question it sounds by the way it sounds heavenly soaking your foot in water oh if i only had a dish big enough well why don't you use a roasting pan oh gosh why don't you brine your feet? Dave, do you have an overheard? Mine's an overseen. Mine's an overseen.

So Abby, my wife, went to... My wife. Correct. Thank you. She went to the pet store the other day for some dog food. And while she was there, she bought some natural chew sticks for our dog. Something for our dog to chew on. Instead of a speed stick. It all makes sense.

It all makes sense. Yeah. No, it's like an animal product based on a uh anyway i think i know what this is this is a dried chewy thing and uh the the the name of it the i don't know whether whether it started in english or french anyway there's long with its long bull penises. Bull penises? Yeah, bull penises for my dog to chew on. Get it. Which, by the way, he learned English just to ask for bull penises.

Right. Me. Bull penises. Thank you. Thank you. Soak my foot in water. Thank you. Soak my foot in water. So it's on the label. It has the name of this product in French and English.

And in French, it's penis de boeuf. Beef penis. But in English, it's beef pizzle. Beef pizzle. Beef pizzle. I buy it. I'm with it. I'm for it.

Is there a picture you can show us? I mean, I can just show you the container, the wrapper. Wow. Is that like the full penis of a bowl? Or is it just like... Just the tip? Exactly. Is it just the full penis of a bull? Or is it like just like... Just the tip? Exactly. Is it just the tip?

Is it... I don't know. I don't know like if it's... Was it erect when they cut it off? Was it erect when they cut it off? Presumably it wasn't. They didn't show the bull of porno. And then...

Gotcha. presumably it wasn't they didn't show the bowl of porno and then gotcha uh or like how much does it dry like how much does it shrink when it's dried right there yeah i just realized that bull i'm assuming i have never seen a bull's penis before it would be oh you're missing out you should come you should come to christmas in my family cottage okay uh yeah so that just so it's i don't know yeah i don't know if they cut them in half or what like i don't know how much just yeah it's best to not know i guess yeah why am i asking those questions i guess oh okay well i guess i'll request a tour of the factory i will i want to know yeah yeah me too um yeah because uh it's you know what they support your local bull penis operation wow yeah don't go abroad this yeah support our farm and get them dehydrated don't get the wet ones no get the wet ones dehydrate them in your home dehydrator

save some money god just hang it somewhere by the side and just have it like well my dog's doing dry february that's why we got a bunch of dried bull penises beef sorry excuse me uh um graham yes i have an overseen it was like it's just like blessed overseen blessed week neighbors moving out blessed overseen to a couple riding on those uh like battery-powered scooters in the dark not one tandem scooter not one tandem steward yeah they had their own scooters they were both dressed completely in black so they would have been impossible to see if you were driving yeah they were ninjas and you couldn't hear them either those things don't make any noise so they just whirred into the sidewalk and we're going into the liquor store and uh the girl got off

flawless dismount guy got off fell off of the thing scooter kept going for about like another foot or so and then well we all had a good laugh she was losing her mind laughing i've never seen somebody like more not helping somebody she's going to bring that up every chance she gets yes yes and so i thought that was the the big show of the night but the big show was when they were going by on their way out he had bought a box of no or not have yeah and he placed it on the scooter like it had a trunk and he was riding and he bailed so hard he bailed so hard the drinks flew off of the thing his girlfriend i thought she was gonna die she was laughing so hard she just not she's gonna oh they're breaking up in like a few months in a few months yeah yeah what did she have to drink just like a bottle of wine yeah

she's laughing so much anyways it was lovely to see uh that's great do you was it the kind that like a razor scooter yes but with a motor with with a little motor and uh that had like a cool neon light kind of effect on the wheels so i gotta say um sort of related i don't like the sound of electric cars The whirring The whirring I don't trust it And then sometimes they have to do When they back up They make an extra sound

I think the whirring is also an extra sound I don't think it makes that noise I feel like Elon Musk should be able to come up With a funnier sound than that Because he's so funny Elon Musk, my comedy hero Give hero time he's had enough time give him time he's thinking of something really great oh god he's probably thinking of the funniest sound right let's hope there is a whoopee cushion function in a tesla right yes are you joking no you can turn it on and whoever sits in whatever seat it does a whoopee

cushion are you serious yeah yeah yeah it's uh he's it's a lot of fun he's put a lot of fun things in it the future is now and it sucks give him time dave i have faith also the handles are a joy buzzer and there's fake dog poop on the hood hey i didn't pay for this feature no it's just come standard that's factory it's right off the line the tesla is america's most hilarious car it basically is yeah that's what it says in it's a bible what's funnier the ford probe ford probe is funny i think uh for a long time smart cars we're getting some good laughs uh the pt cruiser certainly has made us all yeah definitely took it in the teeth

um now we have overheards that are sent in from people all over the map if you want to send one into us uh send to spy at maximum fun dot org and uh this first one it's a it was a photo of a truck like a big uh semi-truck the back of it and uh this person ken gt described the interior was hot pink he couldn't get a picture of that but it got a picture of the back and this was the slogan on the back said look out here she comes and there she goes screaming straight through texas like a mad dog cyclone wow yeah pretty pretty big yeah that's like a poem yeah and it's just like i don't know what a a mad dog cyclone is it sounds bad sounds. Sounds like it's going to do something.

Badass. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like fast and thick. Like a bull's penis. Oh. Bull's penises are pretty, they're pretty slim. They look like Slim Jims from what I've.

Well, when they're dried. But can you imagine a Slim Jim wet? Slim Jim starts out on a. I have never seen one. I would love to see a Slim Jim wet? When a Slim Jim starts out on a stream? I have never seen one. I would love to see a Slim Jim wet. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, when I'm soaking my feet, maybe I'll soak some of these bull penises tonight.

See if they go back up to size. Hey, kids. Chase is out. Graham. We have a problem. It's too big. we have a problem it's too big I mean the closest I got

is I did spend one summer underneath that statue of Ebola on Wall Street this next one comes from Danielle from Twinsburg, Ohio our breakworm

at work had a TV show on about Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday and I walked in there to a talking head saying, and the lesson here is don't take a drunk dentist to an arrest. Which, everybody has to learn it themselves, right?

Yeah, wow. Drunk dentist to an arrest. Why are you taking anyone to an arrest? You should just go ahead do the arrest ride-alongs you know for for a kid for a drunk dentist so we're thinking like police arrest that's the definition of arrest correct yes yeah okay yeah police arrest and you shouldn't for whatever happened you shouldn't bring a uh drunk dentist with you i want to know the backstory for that one yeah me too but you know what i don't

think i'm ever gonna find out what movie like don't bring a sober dentist either don't bring anybody to an arrest if yeah just you know you know what don't arrest anyone yeah they're fine people will turn themselves in you don't have to arrest them they know they know what's bad they know what they should do after i can't hang out i have to turn myself in yeah yeah can you please wait till the end i can't i have to go oh she's so nice she's putting herself in handcuffs okay what crime did you do probably yelled at somebody and then feel bad that's not a crime i don't know and push them oh yeah that's a crime yeah over bridge i don't know oh my gosh yeah you really go ahead and please do okay maybe can we not release this episode well i think we're gonna have to censor a lot of evidence

yeah take all this out take all of this out straight out um was it who would you push off the bridge the faster girl from high school yes like there you are i would uh you ruined everything i finally caught up to you push yes i would too you fucking bitch and then she runs again like no I got this boot on I can't it's not fair oh gosh it's a miracle of engineering but it was right there this whole time it has wheels on it um

this last one comes from Sarah in Durham North Carolina overheard this is overheard at the Miami Zoo so must have been on vacation little boy four or five years old pointing at a manhole cover him saying what's down there dad offhandedly ninja turtles little boy oh right son we've had this conversation before and i don't want to have to bring it up

and again that's where the ninja turtles live, they drop your slice of pizza in there so they can survive. That's such a rich lore. The manhole cover, the pizza, the rat. Yes. Yeah. Did you grow up watching any Ninja Turtles essay? My brothers did. So, I did.

I did. You knew what was going on. I knew. They were cool dudes. They were cool dudes. Yeah. I loved. Well, Raphael. They were cool dudes. Yeah. Yeah. I loved. Well, Raphael was cool, but rude.

Yes, correct. I couldn't tell the difference. Well, here's a little tip. Michelangelo is a party dude. What were the personalities? Well, Donatello did machines. Yeah. And Leonardo led.

He was the leader. Donatello was the yeah and leonardo led he leads he was the leader donatello was the mr fix-it man and and uh rafael in the cartoon was kind of a silly guy but in the movie he was a real serious guy oh well he was cool but rude which i those things don't align for me being polite to me is cool because thinking of other people's feelings that's cool to me yeah that seems like a good like laminated poster that would be in a library being nice is cool to me yeah and it's leonardo or rafael changing his ways and he's also got a book and it says read he's got a milk mustache yeah it says milk and he's got giant boobs and it says milk these so many things going on in this poster yeah and he's got a bull's penis for no reason in addition to overheards that are written and we we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one.

Ugh. SpyPod, one. Like these people have. Hey, Dave and Graham. I have a bumper stumper. It's a very blue truck, and the license plate is P-H-U-N. So fun with a P-H. And then a little heart.

And then to know. Fun to know. Oh, wait. I was confused by it, and then I said it out loud, and now I get it. I'm really sorry about leaving you guys this message. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

It's great. That's something I didn't know that it was possible to get a heart symbol on your... Yeah, I don't know if you can get it here. But I think that might be... She said fun heart to know. Like, is this a heart

coming... Did she figure it out, or is it fun heart to know? Or is it just fun to know? Instead of a space, it's a heart. Hmm. Yeah, because could you get an emoji on a license plate? We're going to run out of numbers soon enough.

Soon we will be. Yeah. We're going to run out of numbers. Soon. Well, I think you can just not get a personalized license plate. What fun is that? Graham, you're a recent car owner. What fun is that? Graham, you're a recent car owner. Have you considered it?

Getting a license plate? Yeah. No, I still drive around without one. Cool. It's pretty cool. The neighbors keep leaving me notes saying, you've got to register this vehicle.

And I've got a pile of them in the glove box. For another day. All right, here's your next phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham, this is Russell from Anchorage, Alaska, with an overheard. I work at a sports facility with a lot of people and I overheard this guy talking to this younger guy who the younger one was probably like 14 or 15 and they were talking about how our city is going to maybe have the program where the police leaves like cars equipped with cameras out to tempt car thieves and so he's like the older guys

like yeah so they're gonna get those bait cars and the younger guy and I really don't think he was trying to make a joke he said like in kind of a soft voice like is that like a car to to masturbate in so thank you very much i love you so yes go do it right now that's why they call them bait cars cars for baiting oh that is so sweet i can just see i gotta get into this car oh yeah the idea that the guy's like what's the what crime are guys committing in cars are they getting into random cars and yeah comedians getting in cars and baiting with each other yeah is that where the term carjacking comes from i just love the report of like so the cars do work yeah yeah good news bad news chief i remember when they had that

here i wonder if they still have that program here uh because when they first did it they would put the videos on the news and it was like very entertaining yes it was very entertaining that's watching people steal cars um yeah there's a uh no i was another cop related thing i was talking about the other night uh was when i was a teenager it was we were afraid to go into a convenience store that sold cigarettes to minors because in our mind, somebody told us this, and it totally doesn't make any sense, that they would send in people

to bait the store owner to sell them cigarettes, like somebody who was underage. And we all believed that was true. And looking back, you're like, so you guys think that the police had enough resources to hire a kid to drive a child actor to drive around the city they did they did in ontario i was one of those kids no you were what were you really what hi can i get some cigarettes

please you were you were the bait kid so kid so okay how did this happen how did this happen were you it was a summer program were you a child actor at this point i wasn't considering i think i should have been no it was summer program um and it wasn't from the police it was it was like a weird thing it wasn't a police thing okay but we would go in to ask for cigarettes or alcohol and then uh we would have fake ids so they ever asked to see it we would go in to ask for cigarettes or alcohol. And then we would have fake IDs. So if they ever asked to see it, we would give the fake ID, of course. Right. And was the fake ID good?

I feel like this story is going so fast already. I want to slow down. I want to know every little detail. It's like they gave us fake IDs that were relatively obvious, too. But usually it doesn't even get, they shouldn't be, we shouldn't be we shouldn't be getting to the fake id part right because that's the point we should be like if they said okay whatever that means still they're not doing their jobs of checking right so so the fake id

was relatively obvious it wasn't real and then if and then if they gave us the alcohol then they i don't know the cops weren't involved, but something would happen. But nobody. Who hired you? What was the program? This was like the city of Toronto thing. It was like a thing.

Huh. And you, would you do it with other kids? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. So it's a summer program thing. So you would do it and like, take me through your work day.

How many, how many stores are you hitting? How many busts are you doing? Like, uh, for me it was cigarettes. So it was just like convenience stores. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh, because you guys aren't from Ontario. Cause I was a wave of just like, don't sell.

They were like, it was in everything. It was in our commercials, not to sell cigarettes to kids. No. Yeah. From here it was all like, do sell it. Yeah. Do sell it to kids. Be real.

Be cool about it. Everybody. It was just like a city of Toronto thing. I think they get a fine and then they send it to the police and they write them up or something did you what was your success rate or yeah nobody sold me anything they would just be like no you're too young no well and i'll be like if you went in so you went in with other kids other kids yes did the other kids have better success uh we never got like we never got anybody and we only did cigarettes we didn't maybe alcohol i don't know but like yeah yeah wow i can't believe that like i literally thought that couldn't actually exist and it did if the kids if the kids did did you ever talk to anyone who

did succeed well not really i was a scared little girl you know and this was a program to get me out of the house so i'm just like i feel like i'm not asking because i don't want the cigarettes rock if you're out there and you were one of these kid actors uh kid uh narcs uh call us because i want to know did you get to keep the cigarette? Yes, if you got the cigarettes were you allowed to keep it? I doubt that. Did they give you petty cash to work with?

In case you were successful you could buy the cigarette? No, you can't. We're trying to stop us from smoking them. Yeah, but like if the clerk had said yes, what was your next move pull out your bag you take them no you know so you take them you have to take them and you have to leave and you pay for them you buy them yeah who gave you the money they gave you all the money

yes you pay for them and you leave and then we just go back to be like oh i got the cigarettes and they like get a fine or stuff like that seems like it works out really well for the shopkeeper because he gets to sell some cigarettes to kids which he was hoping to do anyways yeah then he gets a fine guess what he just got money for cigarettes put that towards the fine yeah but plus he gets a sense of accomplishment yes we don't reveal anything we're not like ha ha you got caught we just say thank you and get away. Hee hee hee hee. See you next time. And here's your final phone call. Hey, Dave and Graham and probable guests.

This is Jonathan from Marysville, Ohio, calling with an overheard from my work. I am a painter, and while me and my coworkers were painting at a house, the mom of the house with her eight-year-old son were just about to leave to go and do some things outside of the house. And at the last minute, the eight-year-old son turned to us and said, Don't rob us while we're gone, okay? Thanks. Love the show, bye. I'm asking nicely, so please, if you would.

Stop playing that podcast so loud while you're painting. That's so cute. Yeah, adorable. Adorable is the word. I still can't get over the fact that we are talking to somebody who did this kid program. This is insane. I know.

And she brushed it off like it was nothing. It's the most interesting thing about kids. It was just... Wow, David. David, take that back. I'm charming in other ways. You should do a hero show where you just talk about this. You should do a show at Little Mountain that Graham can't get into where you just do talk about this you should do a show a little mountain and that graham

can't get into where you just described buying cigarettes get a grant for it this is the craziest story that ever was so regular i forget ontario's probably a wild beast but like how long did you do this like i did this for like it was high school it's like three summers it was just like a month three summers and you never got anything no it's a different world like three summers but i was i was a shy girl i'm not asking for like i'm not like after two summers they were like well you're not a they should have been like you're not a like you're we're not burning anyone with you yeah we're not burning anyone and we don't get our money back so explain that you keep falling down the sewer grate this is toronto i mean i don't want to like this was when i was a kid but toronto had so much money

back then they had to invest in weird programs so it's just like give it to the kids i don't think they're doing that now most likely not but that city has no money no it's very hard to check id online where you can just buy cigarettes and have them shipped to your house. Yeah. They say, what is your birthday? It's all vape now. It's all vape. Exactly. Kids are doing the vape paint. Yeah, they love it.

Well, that brings us to the end of this here episode. I say thank you so much for being our guest. It was so much fun to have you. Thank you. Thank you. People, if you've got the time and you're interested in hearing little clitty you can find it on youtube and it's so funny it's so good uh yeah yeah and uh if somebody wants to find you somewhere else online where would they go uh instagram little clitty x i'm not again i'm not

little clitty x that's all i'm gonna say it's l-i-l l I L. Thank you. L I L. Clitchy X. Nice. Um, well, thank you so much for being a guest. It was a pleasure to have you. And thank you all of you out there in the world. Uh,

you know what? Keep chasing the rainbows and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself.