Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 726 - Graham Kay

Episode Date: February 15, 2022

Comedian Graham Kay joins us to talk jet skiing, dog updates, and the Winter Olympics.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 726 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a man who's doing his own thing, Mr. Dave Schumke. Huh. Doing my own thing, am I? Yeah. Well, do I know what that is? No, you just do it. You don't have to think about it.

It's not like like is it a secret like dave's just doing his own thing we don't know what it is he doesn't know what it is it's just his own thing yeah that's it yeah that kind of thing because if i had to describe what i'm doing right now i would say i'm not doing my own thing i'm doing exactly what uh the capitalists want me to do that's right right monetize everything yeah monetize everything everything is uh for sale uh they're not happy until i'm uh you know work myself into the ground yes like a big old screw that you're i guess screwing into the ground so that's dave's thing is screwing

yeah screwing into the ground to fasten myself to the earth until I'm dead, I guess. Yeah, that's Dave's thing. Our guest today, first time guest here to the podcast. You can see his comedy special in the States on YouTube or here in Canada on Crave. It's Graham Kay. Hello, everybody. How are you? I'm good i also forgot to mention uh off air that

i also have a autism awareness podcast uh called autastic um which you may enjoy if you have someone in your life like that my brother has autism and my co-host has a uh a non-verbal son oh wow and we just rail against people with autism. Yeah. They've had it too good for too long. Everyone knows. Thank you. Yes.

Yes. Get it. Um, is this a weekly pod or a monthly pod? It's like a, a three times a month pod. It used to be weekly. Oh,

wow. But, uh, yeah. And, uh, well, let's get to know us.

Get to know us so you host this podcast i want to learn all about it um what when you say non-verbal is that it's that somebody who can speak but doesn't speak is that do i have that right it means they cannot speak they cannot speak they cannot speak he communicates by by pointing at pictures um and uh like i want to go in the car and i'll point to the car or do they have a bunch of photos that they use as reference yeah or like a drawing of a car for like basic things but if it's like specific people they'll have photographs wow and what and what's their favorite no doubt song um oh the one where she uh kills her boyfriend in the video oh yeah yeah and and he points at a bathtub and then he points at a toaster and then yeah and that's how they know that he wants to hear that no doubt song yeah yeah that's

cool um uh graham yes yes no see this is our first guest named graham probably yeah yeah yeah i think so sure we should do graham month here good here on the pod all month hey graham chittenden there's uh who else there's no more grams also graham chittenden also spells it like us yes which is great yeah so what what is the way that you are graham the traditional way that's the best way that is why what are the other ways are there more is there i believe there's more than one way two ways g-r-a-e-m-e is that the bad one that's the weird one yeah yeah graham and why is that untraditional why is yours traditional because because we have it our way yeah and if you say if you say it out loud it's graham but with eme it's not great it's great it just kind of fades off into the sunset that's right it's not gray. It's gray. It just kind of fades off into the sunset. That's right. So it's not, you know what I mean?

Like the gram's like solid. That's right. Gram, just you, it's like you're about to start saying our name and then you have an aneurysm. And then you die. And then you die. Okay. And it's also like. Which could happen to any of us at any moment.

Yeah, it is. That's true. That's true. Yeah. It's a lot like that woman from thinner gray um yeah she does that to you and then over a month you transform into graham clark yeah when you when i first learned about you in comedy i was like oh what are the odds that

there would be a graham kuh and another grahamham k yeah and then i learned about graham chittenden i was like oh so now there's a graham k and a graham c and uh enough with the crowding is what i said yeah too much how is anyone gonna find us um geez uh what's boy i'm just i really want to focus in on this graham thing and you know it's i i'll tell you something um okay so i am from canada and i i although graham was not a popular name it was a a name that people have heard and when you say your name people go okay yeah nice name okay i've heard it um the and there was always like one other graham you like in school or one yes and and just enough to to just keep it you know relevant prevalent in people's brains um i i've been living in america uh off and on for 12 years now and it is a every day is a is a waking nightmare um explaining my name saying my name no one has

ever heard the name graham as a first name before my last name is k and people will not not nine out of ten ten out of ten times when i tell them my name is graham k they will write it down whatever registry at the hospital or at the gym or whatever as k graham like my name is k like i'm a 1950s housewife or something and and and i live in a neighborhood that is uh uh hispanic it's that well it's it's half italian and then the further down you go it gets more and more puerto rican and uh and they go they and the name of this the name of my subway stop is Graham Avenue, spelled our way. The name of the street, the main street here is Graham Avenue. Okay? I like what I'm hearing.

And no one can say my name. I go, I'll walk into a coffee shop on Graham Avenue, and I will go uh they'll go what's your name i'll go graham they'll go what yeah i would like to order the graham cracker can you say that back to me no idea i have no idea what i'm saying oh they go oh graham oh graham yeah the worst one i ever got was at a coffee shop where they wrote my name on the cup and it was crayon. I thought my name was crayon. Okay. Yeah.

Did you ever, how, I think that's on purpose. How old were you when you first encountered the other spelling? Oh, I was in junior high. Graham Longyear. That son of a bitch. Yeah. Graham Stewart. Yeah.

Was, he was an EME And it was Because when I, like the word The name Brian, the first Brian I ever met was B-R-I-A-N Was the baby in the hospital beside me When I was born

Kid in my kindergarten Named Brian with an I And then years later I met a Brian with a Y And I was like Oh they've changed up Brian There's a new Brian So I don't know what the original is

They've changed it up They made it kind of like tech Like sort of a tech thing With a Y Anything in the last part of the alphabet Is futuristic Yeah it's true boys to men was very futuristic do you think that uh there are did do the other grahams that you've

met with the other spelling do they think you're wrong yeah yeah they do graham martin was the valedictorian so what he said goes you know he was the he was the rain but then you you got a comedy now that's true i got a comedy now which really did did even the playing field the valedictorian of being an adult is getting a company to make an even longer speech in front of a salmon colored pastel wall who is the person that booked comedy now uh milan curry sharp right yes so that that is a name that so i had a very circuitous comedy story in that i started even though i'm canadian i moved to america and started in new york as an undocumented worker and lived here for five years like an idiot and how do you make money how did you live I worked at restaurants and I only worked at

restaurants that hired people undocumented workers so every restaurant that was about to go out of business and was had like one hail Mary to stay at a stay in business by not paying their staff. I'd only made tips for like five years. But anyway. Oh, wow. So I heard about comedy now and living in the States, but I didn't know who Millen Curry Sharples was. I just assumed it was a woman. And I wrote this letter and sent the DVD in. I was like, dear Mrs. Curry Sharples.

this like letter and sent the dvd in i was like dear mrs curry sharples assume that this woman is married too and like sent it in your doctor miss mrs dr curry sharp um did you end up getting one nope nope of course not of course not dear mrs jerry sharples and sent in like a like a i'm sure riddled with spelling mistakes uh handwritten because i couldn't find a printer oh yeah yeah just the worst like a very very embarrassing but also uh young comics now they do not know that in the old days we had to have a physical thing that we put in the mail yeah to show like this is what i do yeah yeah it was a very dumb system but uh i know i sent a lot of dvds nothing ever came back of course not of course not yeah who's sitting and watching all these dvds

i'll just pop this in to my computer load it up and make that noise this guy clearly bought 50 a spindle of 50 dvds yeah they're like rainbow on the back oh man like oh man they're like oh the blue ones aren't as good as the green ones well i when i used i used to sell dvds and they or no cds and i would i would burn them myself and then it just you'd It was like a printed from like a whatever, Office Depot piece of paper of my face. And then I'd slip that in there. You'd open it up and it would say like CDR 41011. You wouldn't get the stickers that you could print and put on the top of the CD?

I eventually found out about those, but there was like, you know, these were my halcyon days. You have to download the Avery templates. Now, did you, I assume that you sold these after shows. Is that right? Yes, yes, yes No, no, no, I sold them on Amazon Store's still up Leave a rating if you're going to buy one

Leave a rating, yeah Customers who bought this also bought I don't know, nothing Yeah Here's what an edgy comic I am When you buy my CD on on amazon it says customers who bought this didn't buy anything buy anything else this is all they ever needed quit amazon um box cutter uh box cutter in a leather jacket yeah yeah um i never i never sold uh an album after show um how how were you okay with it was it was it

good or was it horrible or you know it's like when you i don't know if you've ever it's like doing crowd work it's like i don't want to do this and then when you start doing it you're like oh this is kind of fun i'm glad i'm doing this and at the end you're like okay i'm glad i did that i'd always like walk away with you know 50 to 30 to 100 let's say and over a weekend you're like that really helped yeah no god that helped you know i remember this one lady was like my first ever sale she bought like nine albums off me for her office and she was like can you give me a deal and i just said no i'm afraid not ma'am no you're supporting me but i remember they i put a thumbprint and i would circle it with sharpie on the cd and be like graham k's thumbprint right and you did that nine times yeah i don't know why you could really you could have just been like all by one and can you give me some blank cds as

well i see them in your bag over there i would yeah i would burn them i would burn them in like the comedy condo it's uh it's just i'm old we're all old it's uh it's telling younger comics anything makes you feel like you've been alive for a thousand years like any kind of this is how it used to be story you're like oh god and then when they start talking about how they have to like uh take take a pill and go into the metaverse. And their jokes, they, oh yeah, my jokes are now an NFT. Yeah. Some guy hit me up and was like, you should make comedy NFTs. So what the hell does that mean?

What is a comedy NFT? I think he just wanted me to like, there's some way of uploading videos to him. And I'm sure it's going to be like every other thing I've ever done in my life where I, if I just did it now, I would have made money. And I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I might,

it's still on my like to do list. Cause it's free for me to do. And maybe someone will be like, maybe, maybe someone will be like Graham K could be famous and buy it for $100 and I'll make $75. That sounds pretty good. I don't know.

It's certainly a scam. Yeah, but you want to be on the right side of the scam. That's right. That's right. Yeah, Graham K's got a nice hat. I think I'd like to draw that on a cartoon monkey. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. Yeah, Graham K's got a nice hat I think I'd like to draw that on a cartoon monkey Yeah Well, that's the thing

When the guy said Make a comedy NFT What was it? You were just telling a joke into a thing? Or what would this be? I'm so confused You breathed the joke onto a gif? Yeah

I send him one of my old CDdrs with my thumbprint here you go i think that's it these are my original nfts can i get nine and i would need nine fd nfts for my office yeah i call them cdrs yeah but like i don't get i don't get it at all i 100 don't understand we talk about this way too much. We do. Considering we haven't learned thing one about it. No, that's right. And I sort of despise it. Yes. Well, there is an article, which I haven't read,

which my smarter girlfriend has read on an online magazine called Jacobin about how NFTs are a scam by the rich to maintain wealth and that's why all these rich wouldn't do that no i think they would what i think all these like stories that the right is telling us about the rich is wrong and that they they aren't going to give us all their money on out of their own volition at one point but we'll get it but you know what i mean we'll be rich in heaven is the important thing yes that's right yeah yeah we get we get a rebate is the thing and have yeah yeah yeah you know what blows my mind that there are nfts commercial well okay because i think they're great i saw a commercial for uh fortis i think the local like gas utility

yeah uh saying you get a rebate and still in this day and age people are making commercials anything involving a rebate when you gotta show a frog you gotta show a frog yeah that's a it's a it's a must because they say rebate yeah and uh oh yeah that's right there is i thought you meant like a nazi frog on the internet frog it's like this is a weird commercial he's looking so sad he's like i could have been an nft it's like some local you know these like local commercials are always very funny it's like they just google imaged a frog for their little frog pun for that but they google image the nazi frog and they use that without their knowledge that'd be they google image the nazi frog and they use that without their knowledge that'd be great you know what nazi frog i'm talking about right yeah yeah

yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's what the nf stands for an nft no nazi frog nazi frog no frog yeah yeah yeah yeah what we were talking about yeah yeah yeah it's a sense for a nazi frog tank top um i uh yeah i like nobody's approached me about nfds nobody ever will uh even in a dark alley yeah even in a dark alley nobody will ever hey kid i'm a man i have a beard. I can't come in. I got something you'll love. Yeah. So you moved down to the States. You were doing odd jobs. And then you came back up to Canada to go down and do it legit. Was that kind of the plan?

Yeah, yeah. I was living in New York. And I interned at Vice magazine Oh okay And I was a Full time waiter part time intern Okay And like did comedy At night

That's a lot It's so much I eventually was able to do comedy Or do By the end of it i i vice asked me to leave because i wasn't in school and i was like 26 and i was like i'm here for for cocaine never for your cocaine parties and they're like get him out of here yeah yeah yeah he's had enough cocaine let's get him out of here let's get some fresh blood in here. Yeah.

And it was the right decision. By them? By them. And they're doing fine now. It was not contributing much. I remember I was like, I worked the front desk and then there was like, somebody called Vice

and it was like some realtor being like, I have a good deal for you and i got completely got scammed and i just got like the he was just a good salesman and i'm easily i'm very impressionable um and i walked in it was just a realtor that you should hang up on that cole called this this company and i literally was like oh sounds important and i got up and walked into a meeting and interrupted it and was like there's this guy on the phone and he's got a deal for you and i think looking back on it that might have been the end yeah that was the meeting they were

having is like how do we get rid of this guy you interrupted our meeting about doing uh you know uh drugs while we were you know i don't know what they're talking about in that magazine anymore yeah like i went to a dentist that deals drugs or something like that yeah sure and uh and then i so i wasn't interning and that enabled me to do comedy more and then i was only like working as a waiter or like a bartender three days a week so okay so it was more manageable but anyway i got offered a conan audition and i couldn't legally take it so i was like i guess the jig is up i was like i was like you know i had meetings with lawyers and i was like trying to figure out how to get a visa without

leaving because i felt like i was getting a little bit of momentum and mainly i just had friends i didn't you know know anybody in canada you know other than like some high school friends and friends from university and conan called you and he was like i've got this great real estate opportunity for you yeah on top of my pompadour maybe it wasn't conan i think his name was Graham. And I got confused. Conan? Is that right? Yeah, well, that's cool. And then I assume at some point you did get on the Conan show. Oh, no, shit. No, no. But that's okay.

Because you sent him a DVD saying, Dear Mrs. O'Brien. Dear Mrs. O'Brien. I write you from the front. dear mrs dear mrs o'brien i write you from the front i'm i write you from vice headquarters they're asking me to leave i need help can i intern with you can i do be a famous comedian now now that my internship is over but yeah so I went I moved to Toronto without ever being there in my life

where are you from originally Ottawa Ottawa the fucking capital of the world yeah by the way Ottawa is a lovely place but um no one is doing anti-protests as far as i could tell there's no

like yeah i feel like this is our town now like this is in america there'd be like people throwing shit at them and calling them naz And punching them And it's very annoying So if anyone does not know What's happening in Canada right now Specifically in Ottawa But everywhere, but mostly in Ottawa A right wing trucker convoy Of unvaccinated truckers

Is shutting down the roads And streets And honking their horns Most of them are not actually truckers most truckers are vaccinated uh but uh it's really just kind of under the there's they're calling themselves truckers but they're really nazis they're nazis they're flying confederate flags which is the like it's the it's a way a nazi go, oh, I'm not a Nazi. I'm not a Nazi. It's about freedom.

I'm Yosemite Sam. Yeah. I'm Yosemite. Oh, is it about freedom? Okay. There are so many other flags, you know. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. It's just, it's, you're a coward. Just say you're a Nazi. And, you know, it's, and I'm not like some like Antifa person who is, I know I'm advocating, I'm not really advocating an armed. You were saying that people should punch these people, which does sound like you are provoking. I am, I am. Look, I'm not advocating some organized armed conflict.

armed conflict i would like some counter protests that are large to show that the there's more good people than bad people and i would like some sort of like you want to occupy we'll occupy you know we live here we can go to bathrooms in our house we can like get food and like you know just do something and i would like the odd person to get punched. Just not in an organized way. Just like, I really, really don't. I think it's mainly an Ottawa thing. We're a great kind people. We are educated in a non-pretentious way. We're good people but we are so we have very little spine i feel and i'm very kind of ashamed that nothing is nothing is they're not

doing anything there's nazis in the street do you get that like and if you're like oh what would you do graham what would you do i don't know i was protesting all last summer and cops were like you know hitting us and pushing us and we went out every day i could have lost my green card i went out every day anyway i had four coffees yes nice well not every day i went out like i went out once a week still i got my steps in um i believe uh past guest jordan foise who i think wrote for vice uh he had a tweet the other day that was uh i've been to every one of these lefty marches uh and i can't wait for these truckers to find out they don't do shit that's hilarious yeah i will say i will say that the the it is funny and i and i think jordan's so funny and i think he's he's there's it's funny because there's truth to that

but i do think that there's a lot of people who committed these crimes last year that are going to jail in the states that would not have gone to jail right yes yeah and uh and racism is solved because of me well i'm glad that you did it because um i certainly i didn't have the time i was working a bartending job i was working at vice yes yes i was drawing of nfts yes yeah yeah i was protesting by going to the bathroom in my own house well you know what it's a it's silent but deadly um i the the the protests that were happening here uh a bunch of cyclists all kind of created a fence around the trucks and the trucks had to retreat and went up to another street uh where i was standing and the crowd there pushed the trucks back so you had to retreat and went up to another street where i was standing and the

crowd there pushed the trucks back so you had to reroute again i love that yeah i love that it was uh it was successful in that i love that thank you like yes show them show the world thank you great that it's not okay i do something i don't know it's like your civic duty because nothing ever goes wrong and then when we're not prepared for it because ottawa is like everything's nice yeah everything's nice everything's cool we don't i feel like i do feel like if it was happening in quebec or montreal there would be students wearing red patches protesting anti you know these protesters and doing something and right you know well and it seems to me that the and i could be wrong about this but the average real trucker is busy being a trucker seems like that's that's what providing for their family yes out there driving trucks and and i'll tell you the the protest here

i've never seen cleaner trucks in my life i've never seen less used less uh you know beat up like just pristine white trucks that just look like they drove right off the lot you gotta look you're you cannot afford to be on like a two-week camp like like protest trip because you're going to run out of amphetamines. Yeah. You know? Not every trucker's on amphetamines. We are we represent both sides here. Yeah and you know what

like I don't know what the because the people in Ottawa that are occupying they have some kind of money coming in from somewhere. Somebody's financing, you know, snacks and... Optimus Prime. It could be Optimus Prime.

He seems like he's pretty into the truck side. Well, they had a big... Didn't they have like a big GoFundMe that like apparently a bunch of people stole money from or something like that? They had to give back some of the money. Some like right-wing... Yeah. Some Nazi Facebook lady. It seems like it's it was like six i'm i'm i might be

only understanding half the story but i raised a few million dollars and had to give it back and then it disappeared or maybe they just shut down the gofundme i like it's such a big news story and i don't understand why like I feel like we just ignore them. Yeah, but I think they can't in Ottawa. They're all parked everywhere. I don't think you could ignore them. Watch me. I don't think that they're messing up the city.

That's a news story. That's true. And it's where prime minister hangs his hat and uh and others your mps are there um sure national gallery is there these are there a lot of things yeah yeah sure they've got a lot of good uh donair places donair prime minister is in an undisclosed location because of this yeah well he's not your prime minister you're american now i have a passport okay i mean i i put an eagle i drew an eagle inside of it uh just for a little bit of freedom what everybody doesn't know is that our prime minister is circling ottawa in a blimp and uh

yeah he's safe he's totally safe where he is he's safe yeah oh that would be cool if like in any time when like the president or the prime minister or whoever had to like go to a secret location or had to like go to some security clearance place it had to be visible to everyone like he's safe here he is he's flying above you yeah or he's in like this bulletproof glass chamber yeah oh no how did david blaine sneak in but yeah it's it's the it is the story up here and i know that before things got kicked off like russell brand was like this is great and i mean you're always you're on shaky ground if russell brand is saying you're great then you're like oh boy russell rand said

that surprises me i think he said it before that was well known that there were uh nazis nazi sympathizers yeah yeah they were he thought he was trying they were trying to get someone to the greek but it also like that movie by the way is it good it's good it's fun they got good chemistry yeah diddy's in it yeah oh diddy's in it oh good for him um good for the movie i guess too because yeah yeah yeah this is strong that guy's beautiful skin so these protests you were at last year is this the the Black Lives Matter we talked about? Or what were the protests you were going to once we... Blue Lives Matter.

Yeah. Yeah, they're good. They're good, yeah. We need to give them more money. And it was also like a pretty tame protest because the cops were like, hey, this is good. This is good. Yeah. We'll go to your

side yeah yeah well i thought the blue lives matter was a trying to save people with depression yes yeah it's a bell let's talk of america and also muddy waters so it was blues that's right blues lives live it's a it's a mix it's a melting pot. The sad and the musically sad. So you've been living there a long time. Did you get, finally, a late night set? Did it happen? Or is it still on the roster? I'm very lucky.

I had some nice people believe in me, and I got a Colbert. Cool. A few years ago. And then in June, I was the first comic back with a full audience on Fallon. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. That's cool. I'm trying to get on Ellen before people find out she's mean.

Yeah, no. Yeah, I think people know about that. What? I think you should get, Dave, I think you should get your daughter to say something cute, like quote the Lord of the Rings or something like that, and then you get to go on with the kid and be like. I'm trying to get a stand-up spot on Emeril. Is he doing that show still?

I don't know that. I'm just trying to get a comics unleashed. Oh yes. Comics unleashed is a, yeah, I'm fine. I just, I need to be unleashed.

Do you know that guy that, um, created that show? I can't remember his name, but he, Byron. Yeah. Byron Allen. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He, he bought the Byron Allen

he bought the weather network yeah he's like a gajillionaire yeah and it all started off the back of that comics on lease show which is crazy it's crazy but the weird thing is he bought it because he wants to control

the weather yeah thing is he he bought it because he wants to control the weather yeah um hey surely they don't make that show anymore or do they maybe they still do yeah i don't know i don't know i just know that if you're on it things aren't going well this is either the first thing you're doing or the last thing you were on the last thing yeah yeah yeah yeah um yeah there's some other show like that that shows on friday night here i feel like it's from portland and it's like a big theater audience and they record they must record like 20 people in a night or whatever doing five minutes and uh and then they repackage it as this thing

you know what i'm talking about it's like this weird like stand up stand up live or something very generic oh the fox one yes yeah yeah that one it's like non-union and they literally give you like a hundred dollars to be on tv and um and yeah sounds like they're working off the old Comedy Now blueprint. That's right. That's right. We will give you. That's where Milan Curry Sharples went. Oh, man, that show, man. It was shaky premise at the beginning, but then they started running out of comedians real quick. Yeah.

I got offered one. That's how they were running i mean it's you can't turn it down i mean it was like two thousand dollars and it's like a real credit and real tape and it was just i'll tell you what i did turn it down good for you i mean i i applaud your uh credibility i had i had just gotten a like a steady job I was like, I don't think I like my 20 minutes. Yeah, you're an adult. And there were so many people that were like, yeah, I wish I had waited until I had more jokes. And then those people, I still see their Comedy Nows on 20 years later.

I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed to perform in front of the 10 people who came to any show and they're just like the intro that like horrible comedy now intro like oh the spray paint on the wall spray paint on the wall and then everyone's got like a 2003 haircut yes and weird pants and you're just like oh man they wanted they uh i wore a suit for mine but they did not want that at all. They very much wanted me to wear a button up shirt with whatever jeans were popular in the day, which is everybody, everybody on the show.

That's what they wore because they were told to, but I didn't bring any other clothes. I only brought the suit and, uh, you know, like sweatpants and a t-shirt. They wouldn't let you wear your hat. They wouldn't let me. That was the line in the sand that they drew. It wouldn't allow me to wear a hat it's just a power thing uh me and millen locking horns we've never mentioned this man's name no that's true and all of a sudden he's 15 years of doing this yeah his q writing's gonna go through the roof after this i think i did it in like 2004 2005 something like that so you were you were brand

new yes yeah and it was uh it was fine like i didn't have a bad time of it it was just uh the other guy that was on my taping he went the whole taping then they told him at the end that they couldn't use it because he had a stain on his shirt. So instead of interrupting him and getting him to change his shirt, they just let the whole thing record. What did he end up doing? He had to do it the next day with a new shirt. They gave him a shirt money to go buy a new shirt. Well, that's good.

It's good, but surely somebody saw the stain before the last seconds of recording yeah well you were you had a stained shirt too but no one could see it because you were wearing that's right i had had uh i was at tony roma's right before the yeah you're wearing uh what do they call a bandolier of ribs yeah i fucking love ribs a bandolier of ribs but yeah you can't this is not the day for your bandolier of ribs it's okay i'm wearing a i'll take my hat i'll take my hat oh yeah and they wouldn't let me wear my shoes so i had to wear somebody else's shoes that was i remember that being like something they wouldn't let go i have a i have a worst thing i mean oh i want to hear at a certain point it's

like okay well they're giving us they're giving at least they're giving canadian comics something something but uh i did a commercial for weed man the the lawn cutting company like lawn care company um and i they just have my image in perpetuity right so every year in springtime i'll get like these like random people online sending me a picture of like me wearing khakis and like a green weed man polo and a green weed man hat going like and they're like is this you and i'm like yes i was i needed the money desperately and you use that as a credit where you're like mascot of weed man weed man which i believe is a corrupt company there was like a a w5 expose on how weed man is bad well i mean that's worse than like being in a bad porno yeah because no one's gonna

be like i was watching this bad porno and you were in it yeah nobody no one yeah that's true that's a good point yeah you were the reason it was bad you You kept crying. Saying, what if I can't get hard? What about if I can fold it in half and try and smoosh it in? And that made everyone sad. Have you tried weed, man? You got it pretty. The past guest, Ivan Decker and Sonny Dollywall, were in a BC insurance ad. And they still have it.

If you go to the insurance office it's it's like into the wall right it's like plaque mounted but you couldn't move it like it's part of the wall so they're just they're just there forever at least it's in one building yeah it doesn't get delivered to all of my friends doorsteps every spring yeah because it's like uh uh yeah you just need cash that's the whole thing when you're starting out you just need cash you'll do yeah but and you're so beautiful people want you're yeah this guy's this guy's got the goods yeah there's no way there's a w5 expose on how this is bad for this will rip me off oh man w5 just reminds me of like that sunday night sunday night was w5 and i was like you gotta go back to school you're putting off your homework by

watching w5 yes you don't even like you don't even like it you're like what does sandy ronaldo have to say yeah any for any non-canadian listeners, W5. 60 Minutes. When, where, and why. Yeah. When, where, and why. It's the 60 Minutes of Canada. Yeah. A Canadian news magazine.

Yeah. But we didn't have an Andy Rooney on ours. We didn't have a guy who was. No, they tried to get, you know, Ralph Ben-Murgy. But he wouldn't. Yeah. Yeah. Or who would be a cranky canadian ed the sock

we tried peter zosky but he died immediately as soon as we asked him he was dead he was dead yeah there's definitely i don't even know like if you had to say who's the like crank pot of canada who's like the oh it's probably what's his name rex murphy on cherry oh rex yeah rex murphy that would have yeah yeah like he was he's a cranky guy that's mad at uh various topics yeah and ethnicities yes yeah he's got's got a way we have plenty of cranks in this country yeah yeah but like i mean prominent like who's the top crank it's probably the one he's the one he's the guy you'd base your crankiness on i just like that there's a whole genre of crankiness that uh people will watch i liked him like when i was like when he was just talking about politics or

whatever or like i like that there was like when he was just talking about politics or whatever or like i'd like that there was like some bizarre looking man who would come on and be like well i don't agree but it would say like this isn't news this is a guy's opinion at the bottom yeah i used to listen to talk radio and i there was this local radio host i forget his name but he was a cranky guy and whenever anyone called in and said, hey, how's it going? Or like, how are you?

He would always answer with, get on with it. Yeah. That's the best. That was the best, yeah. Yeah, Rex Murphy is so Canadian. He can only exist in Canada. Yes.

Because he... I don't know what he stands for. Well, he's sort of like a right leaning cranky old guy who believes in like an educated, really educated. He uses overly flowery language to show

you that he's smart. And there's no like right leaning people in America that are trying to show you that he's smart and there's no like right-leaning people in america that are trying to show you that they're smart they're and and and also he is look i i i am i i i don't mean to be mean but i think we can all agree he's the ugliest man ever and he's on television and he's, and everybody who's right wing in America is like pseudo good looking. And they're, um, uh,

they're railing against the intelligentsia in some way against smart people. So they're trying to be folksy. And so it's just the opposite. I think. Yeah, no, that's interesting because yeah, he is.

He's very, he's like his rants that he does are very, they're very, they're, they're well-written and he's, uh, and he has a good way of delivering it too. He's got like kind of a cranky voice and yeah,

he does look like an old dog. Yes. Yeah. Yes. But yeah, he, he has like kind of an opinion on everything, which I admire in a person that you can pay attention to that many things

and have an opinion on. I literally am like, I don't, I don't have an opinion on this guy. He seems, seems like a, you wouldn't want to hang out with him, but I don't know what he's about.

He'd be insufferable. And I think he said something pretty border. I don't remember, but I think he said something pretty bad. Yeah. Everyone does say something pretty bad. Yeah. remember i think everyone said something pretty bad yeah everyone does say something pretty bad yeah and it's just like now it's who was it it was uh oh albertus premier at jason kenney said something yesterday apologized the same day done and done jason kenney okay so i got sent to uh to, I was like so poor in high school. Like, so my grades were very poor.

Okay. And even though. That's different. Yeah. No, no, no, no. I'm. Yes. Well, I was part of the aristocracy, but I.

Yeah. My family was very rich, but my grades were very poor. Anyway. So anyway, I got sent to like a boot camp in Saskatchewan. Like it's the cheapest boarding school in North America. Oh, wow. My parents sent me there because it was cheaper. They couldn't afford the boarding school in Ottawa. Right.

Like they couldn't afford for me to live at home and then go to this school in Ottawa. Oh, wow. So it was cheaper to have me board in Saskatchewan. And Jason Kinney came to our high school. And they were like a very religious high school. And they were like, don't ask him any questions. What was his job then? He was promoting... was a conservative he had a seat in some i think federal i think he was had a seat a federal

seat by then and he was like 39 years old about and he was who was that stockton day stockwell day well day he was like this is he was like please and he graduated from this dumb school and he was like um everyone i give you the next prime minister of canada stockwell day and then he strolled into the school and we all like clapped and i was like i don't know if i want to clap for this guy because i'm the bad boy of comedy and um yep thank you and uh and then i think stockwell like a year later showed up to a press conference on a jet ski and his career was ruined yeah that was it that's right he thought it would be ah that's something i love when somebody thinks something's gonna be so fucking cool that was the best part he was like this is gonna be so cool yeah and this is gonna be my my bill

clinton playing saxophone moment and it just looked like the biggest fucking douche you're gonna ask me boxers or briefs and i'm gonna say wetsuit yeah and one thing i love about canadians is we hate any kind of pretension and it's just like this like yuppie oh yeah it's just like everyone was like shut up it wasn't it was it was so conservatives it was so dumb it's not like you can get off a jet ski like you can't just ghost ride the whip and like let the jet ski go and jump off it on the dock you gotta park it yeah get off the jet ski walk over have either of you ever ridden a jet ski oh yeah they're right yeah really yeah they're fantastic they're so much fun they are absolutely the worst thing for the environment i can think of next to nfts i think that the jet skis oh yeah they just brayham you you you can make

a billion dollars if you if you're the guy who comes up with the electric jet ski that's true that's true if i you know what and it's mostly sunny out when you're using them so solar power could be a viable uh way to power these things you know you guys just blew my friggin mind i know right there's a whole market out there that we're we're not even talking about you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah that's the market that no one's talking about. No one's talking about. Yeah, but that's so funny because I forgot all about that. But as soon as you said Stockwell Day, I was like, yes.

I'm not that political, but I feel like I keep bringing up politics. You do. And I feel like we're cutting out everything from about four minutes until we start talking jet skis. I'm sorry about that. But now, where did you jet ski when you jet skied? Yeah, did you jet ski in your high school, in your boarding school? No, it was in Saskatchewan. There's no water.

I got a rich uncle, and we have a family reunion at his uh at their cottage and when they got a they got a jet ski cool pretty rad yeah where did you go graham i went in calgary i went to one of alberta's many lakes uh with my friend justin cook and uh we he had his seadooo and we tooled around on it all day. Mostly what we were doing was driving over to other islands away from his parents so that we could smoke cigarettes. That was our big. That's the best.

Yeah, it was the best. We had our cigarettes. Did you have to like pre-plan to be like, okay well we're going to be on a jet ski so these cigarettes are going to get wet. No, we had Ziploc bagged them. That was your plan. Yeah, we had Ziploc bag them. Ziploc bag them. That was your plan? That was our plan. Yeah.

And it worked like a charm. And yeah, so that was most of our day was like just riding, having such a good time, and then going to an island, smoking. On one, two people on one jet ski? Two people on one. So I would ride there and then he would ride to the next island and it was. Okay. And we would do like we would go

where boats were and jump over the did you have to hold on to each other or was there a hand it was handled i don't like i don't like holding on to a person on a vehicle i think that's either but you know i said a person a person can be a man do you have any idea what their pronouns are? That's right. It could be Mrs. Curry Sharples. My pronouns are person. Yeah, anyways, it was a lot of fun. I'm glad, you know what?

I'd do it again if offered a chance to get on a jet ski. I'm too scared. I'm too scared. What if I fall off? Oh, the best part about it is it's not cement it's water yeah it's water and also you're you have a wristband that's attached to the ignition so if you fall off the thing just stops so you can swim back what if it doesn't well if it doesn't then you're still attached to it somehow it drags into the dark abyss yeah or it drags you so far away out that you get catch a tide and are never seen again you're like a remote control helicopter that loses the signal and just keeps going oh just over the horizon yeah oh man and then it eventually ends up in the you know they they uh cut open a gray white shark and

find the belly full of remote control uh helicopters and me uh dave what's going on with you man well sorry to be political uh but there's a i want to give an update on my dog okay yeah here we go so we have we have this dog we don't talk about him much monster monster we call him monster that's his name his legal christian name yeah uh when is his baptism again his baptism when is it what you missed it oh i missed it oh yeah yeah. It was a private affair because of COVID. Yeah, right. Okay, I understand.

They do baptize dogs. Of course. Like, it's a real, that's a real Jeannie Mose from CNN story. Oh, I love Jeannie Mose. I always forget about how cool she is. Her story is, well, a dog on parade? Okay. What do you think about that?

I think it's great. Well, right. Well, word on the street is people think it's great. One person who doesn't think it's great is this cat.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. person who doesn't think it's great is this cat you can say that again it's a dog day here new york truck just comes and runs them over what oh no yeah uh the uh So my dog is now 10 months old. He's on solid food now. Nice. We were breastfeeding him for eight, nine months. I think you're ready for a comedy now. Yeah. This is some good stuff. And we, but he has, he's always had a trick bladder

oh my old trick bladders acting up again oh it's not like check out this trick no it's like a trick trick knee yeah yeah uh but he has been very good the last couple of months like it was for a while like one way i play with dogs is i i like pretend i'm sneaking up on them and trying to get them yeah that's a fun they get they get excited and they bark at me uh but he would just pee when i did that so yeah he's not a he doesn't like surprises yeah no um but it's kind of a scaredy cat yeah he's boy what would genie mose say about that um but uh he's now uh he's now a couple uh a couple months without peeing anywhere okay nice inside and so we've decided this past week to uh promote him from sleeping in his cage to sleeping in our bed.

Oh, that's quite a promotion. Yeah. I remember when my parents did the same, when they said I could come out of the cage. And now you are ready to pee on us in bed. Yeah. That's right. Pee on our legs please and it is uh it's wonderful he's very nice to cuddle with in bed that's the um

that's uh i do i sleep like five hours less than every night now because i am always woken up by a dog in my bed he gets up and turns around and yes he falls back asleep and i don't graham do you have a dog or cat uh i do not i i my girlfriend has a cat and when i sleep at her house i am often woken up by a cat you know they sort of just sort of walk like one step on your leg and then hold it there At night time and then they'll just slowly do the other foot It's just like Slowly creeping Over my body

Just do it all at once please Like a bandaid Get it out of your system And the cat like When it wants her to wake up It'll climb on the dresser and bat the pictures and picture frames on the wall. So, a real poltergeist kind of awakening. That's right.

Yeah. Pictures off the wall. So, monsters, this is a success Or is this a work in progress No it's a work in progress Because also when he was sleeping in his cage He would just sleep until I woke him up And now he's like I wake you up now Yeah yeah yeah that's true

I'm now ready to go get out And I would also be able to like get dressed Before I let him out now he's like I'm up and I gotta go pee right away So come outside with me In your pajamas. So yeah, I was going to ask. That's nice that he's asking and he knows he's supposed to go outside and not on your legs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's also an opportunity for you to wear some clothes to bed that are good to wear outside. Yeah, sure. Cargo shorts. Tuxedo. Cargo shorts, tuxedo. Why not both? Sleep tuxedo.

Is my night tuxedo? Good night. What do you wear to bed? My night monocle? Is this too intimate to ask? What do you wear to bed? Are you asking me? It's Valentine's.

Yeah, it's Valentine's time. That's true. Yeah. And like the cherub, I just wear a simple diaper. Yeah. See, unlike your dog, I don't have to worry about going outside. I can go in my bed with my sleep diaper. That's why I'm allowed to sleep in my parents' bed, because of that diaper.

Because of that diaper. And then, like I've always done, I wake up and I go to the bathroom and scrape the shit off my body i i couldn't think of a funny answer and didn't have anything exciting to say other than uh my underpants but when i'm on the road I get real dirty and I sleep naked wow I'd be afraid to do it on the road because you never know when like a fire alarm is going to go off I feel like I've been in a motel several times when a fire

alarm has gone off very quickly put on clothes there's time to put on you know underpants you're not just waking up and running. No, that's why I always wear a pair of jeans. You got to...

My sleep jeans. Wrangler sleeps, they call them. He's a cowboy. Hey, are you a working man? Oh, yeah. You do. But a hard day work. Are you a working man? Oh, yeah. Working on the range? You do. You know?

But I heard they work, you know? Like a truck commercial, but about pants. About sleeping jeans. I feel like cowboys either sleep in their jeans, like their entire jeans. Maybe they take off their boots. Yeah. Or rest their hat over their eyes to block out the sun. Yeah.

Or moon. They put it in their sleep grass, a little bit of blade of grass in their mouth. block out the sun. Or moon. They put it in their sleep grass, a little blade of grass in their mouth. Yeah, sleep grass, that's right. Pick some sleep grass. Oh, I fell asleep with the grass in my mouth. Now I have grass in my hair. But they also had old,

I feel like I can also imagine old-timey, you know, burlap underwear or whatever. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sleeping in a barrel with suspenders. It's very uncomfortable. It's hard to have sex. You have to take out the cork where my penis goes through.

Mind if I uncork? Mind if I uncork? It's 2022. You got to ask these days. Yeah, it's true. Not the charlie chaplin no it's since it's valentine's and we're talking about pajamas what those two things crossed my mind i was like i imagined uh which i'm sure are a thing like like satin pajamas oh it's like just like satin with no shirt and maybe the wind blowing and you're also in a music video yes yeah this sounds great i feel

like uh when i watched the cosby show as a kid he wore very silky pajamas yeah which was so foreign to me i was like yeah how could you sleep in something so sheer like i'm even worried about slipping out of bed yeah it's just so you know so shiny so sheer oh and satin sheets are very romantic and you're wearing a full outfit to bed yeah have you ever done that have you ever tried full button-up pajamas not no i was a kid but my my my the heat in my apartment building is not great and i didn't have a a very good duvet until recently. And so I would sleep in sweatpants and a t-shirt, which is pretty cool.

I have a pair of pajamas that's like button-up top and bottoms, and I can't wear the top. It's too, like, I need t-shirt material i need to i need to stretch i'm not i don't want to like worry about buttons snapping off yeah yeah it and there's something i don't know there's something about it that is so like we're not going to have sex you and i i've put this on there's nothing attractive about any of this. Yeah, exactly. This is, I'm sealing things up for the night.

Yep. Yeah. I can't imagine rolling over and being like, shall we? And then, oh, I have to undo my satin suit. Oh, yes. And then I have a vest underneath this, a pajama vest. So, one second. Let me take my night guard out. My yeah yeah yeah sleeping early is the grossest when you think

about it it's just the mattress is gross pillow becomes gross just it's just leaking all night long on this thing probably better sleep on the ground cowboy style maybe i'll try that tonight yeah sleep out in the alley. Have the bed stain you instead of you staining the bed. That's right. Exactly. So the dog is in our bed. It's been three nights.

I've gotten no sleep, but damn, he's cute. Yeah. Yeah. He now takes the, when I drop the kids off at school in the morning, he comes with us and he hates everyone there. I have to keep him on a very short leash because the children, I'm trying to like desensitize him to people. Like, hey, be cool. There's people everywhere.

You're always going to encounter people. Yeah. But I don't think that it's going well. He needs to be a country dog he needs to have you know lots of area to roam that doesn't have okay i think he needs to be put down okay what do you think listener yeah yell him no he's be fine i'm no let's send him to the country yeah send him to the country just until you know slowly work them up to people start with the scarecrow and uh then old man carothers and then just

you're gonna go right to old man carothers yeah scarecrow then old man carothers it's just one person you know and you slowly and you know then inmates inmates yeah farmer's daughters you can meet some of them orphans um you. You know, people who don't matter. And then you work your way up to the citizens. Well, so good. I'm glad that he's in bed where he belongs. Yeah, he's doing great. He's got a big birthday coming up in April.

Oh, yeah. So we're already planning for that. Putting plastic down everywhere. Oh, speaking of april we keep forgetting to mention this our edmonton show oh yeah that was supposed to be interruption uh winterruption has been uh rescheduled for april second springterruption they call it yeah if you made it an hour into this episode and uh are in edmonton go buy a ticket for that april 2nd yeah uh good good uh memory to do that i completely forgot so uh what's going on with you um well here's the thing all this week i've

been mainlining the winter olympics ah i've been i've been i i only realized it was happening because somebody wrote a tweet about it yeah i was like yeah so then i immediately uh parked myself on the couch and watched the opening ceremony actually there were events before the opening ceremonies there was figure skating before and so i watched that then i watched the opening ceremonies which were there were a lot to get through those opening ceremonies. Yeah, pretty repetitive. And you have to see every country come down the ramp. And, you know, there's some countries that they have one participant in the country.

So they're just like one and then a coach walking down. I do like that because you have to try to remember. Oh, what country is next? You try to go alphabetically yes oh wait and do they use the are they is it french is ivory coast i or cote d'ivoire oh yeah yeah so it's a lot of that there's some people that i i assume they're volunteers who are doing like a dance routine on either side of the ramps they were danced like volunteers yeah they danced like they were not have no professional training

they were yeah they were they were they were political prisoners being forced to uh for dance for everyone they googled freedom uh and then they've been interned in a camp you must dance your way that's true they were all shackled to one another but i thought that was just like you know like a nice chain yeah it was like a stylized thing they were all doing the thriller dance in the same yeah and so uh you know the opening ceremonies they are how they are yeah so you're saying there should be like sort of like a daytime emmys for the lesser countries that we don't really watch no i think that it's like it's the winter olympics are overwhelmingly white so if uh if it's any country like norway or canada or sweden

has like 150 participants and then there's some countries the jamaican bobsled team is it so you know there's uh like a small number from uh kind of warmer countries around the world except for australia australia has so many participants and uh i was like what do you think that is because they come up to whistler and they they funny they do they go to whistler that's where they train they're originally snowboarders right yeah yeah a lot of snowboarders let's it like skiers um yeah that's that's them and uh there was a guy in calgary that because of covid the rink was closed like the speed skate rink so he had to train on a lake like an olympics from like 1915 or something yeah i like that i like

that like everyone it's it's it's not just like you're representing your country you're literally representing your climate yes yeah yeah yes yes you are that's hilarious it's true yeah um yeah so i've been watching whatever's on i've been taking it in figure skating by the bowl full. I liked all the snowboarding events. I love the Olympics. I feel like there's a lot of like anti Olympic stuff out there on the internet right now. Like I got my Twitter timeline.

It's like a lot of people didn't even know the Olympics are on. Are we doing this again? You know, I'm like yeah yeah we're gonna do it forever awesome i watched a slovakian woman win gold in slalom skiing last night and she was so happy i shed a tear and that's nice it is nice and it is nice i love the olympics too i uh the uh it's weird to do it in a pandemic yeah yeah the food uh the pictures of the food that they're serving them it's very fire festival yes that's hilarious it's the and it's it's weirdly dystopian this time around yes uh with like beijing 2022 written on the side of like a decomposing nuclear

power plant it's so while they're ski jumping they tried to sex it up by projecting like the lights on it did you see that yeah like it's still a nuclear power plant it still looks like we're doing this and they built a hill mr burns built a hill yeah it's not like an attractive nuclear it's not a young sexy nuclear power no no yeah yeah yeah yeah not a millennial but it's like i don't know how long they're on for i don't know how much more olympics there are usually two weeks but man oh man i cannot get enough i really what's your favorite uh i feel like there is Like I was watching the other day And it was just snowboarding

And it was like hours and hours Of just snowboarding And I was like When I was a kid There were half the amount of events Maybe less And I feel like I was seeing more variety back then I want to be bouncing around

I like to jump around I agree i watched uh far too much long jump the other day and i was like wait is there a long jump ski jump or sorry ski jump yeah yeah the longest jump the longest long ski jump um and uh yeah there was just a guy long jumping in the snow. It's how they get diversity into the Olympics. That's right. Winter Olympics.

They have to just let summer Olympic sports. The track and field stuff. The track and field. Yeah, any indoor sport. We'll also do that. Yeah, they have to do it in snow pants. The distances are not as good as in the summer. And it's awful sweaty under those snow pants. It's awful.

Snow pants and Sorrells. Yeah. He jumped one foot, 11 inches. And then he just kind of fell over. Yeah. The measure guy comes out with just like a yellow school ruler. Wow. yeah the measure guy comes out with just like a yellow school ruler wow um yeah ski jump like uh a lot of the stories in the olympics is somebody was training as like a gymnast and somebody saw that they might be good at uh you know figure skating or something like that but i honest to god i was racking my brains how do you know that you're good

for long jump or yeah like ski jump yeah yeah how do you what do you do that somebody goes you'd be good for yeah because it's really just like you're you're on there's no you you just like your skis are in these two ruts yes and you just it's really like how you lean yeah and also like your skis have to be in a perfect position or this guy if like if you maybe this guy was at work and they were like you got time to lean you got time to ski jump yeah get over here yeah like if yeah maybe it's like skiers who do like traditional uh downhill skiing through the gates that aren't, could never make a turn. And then they just go off the side and they,

they land and it's everyone who got a lot of air and, and had a horrific injury. And they're like, you can't even, you're not really much of a turner. You go in these ruts, buddy. It's all just rich kids whose dads owned a ski jump ramp.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I bet you truthfully, it's like just rich kids whose dads owned a ski jump ramp yeah that's right yeah i bet you truthfully it's like a lot like like i when i was in high school i'm tall i and um and uh just like a like a random guy coach came up to me and was like you're gonna be a rower and i was like what he's like you're gonna row i was like no i'm not he and was like you're gonna be a rower and i was like what he's like you're gonna row i was like no i'm not he's like come you're gonna row you're gonna love it you're gonna row and he just worked on me for like a month and then i sure enough i was a rower did you really uh yeah i heard i heard a rumor about this yes um and i heard that you row row

rode your boat gently down the stream. Is that true? Gently. And that's why I was never in the Olympics. Oh, okay. But did you do that for a long time? No, no, no. Keep it in. Make it into an NFT. I did it for two years.

Really? Yes. It was... And you were part of a team? Yes. Wow. I had friends that were doing it it was like high school and then i did it in the summer for like the ottawa rowing club and it was you were on the orc man you got it baby you got it baby and uh it's very it's

everything you think it is um yeah you just think of the winklevosses that's what yeah it's it's it was a little less so but there's a lot of that element and we we uh but we didn't have uh we didn't have any money like our our rowing club and so we were the only boat in all of our races that was still made out of wood and then we had inclement weather in a race uh and a storm a flash storm came yeah and in the middle of a race our boat broke in half and we had to be rescued by a bunch of dads and boats and that was the end of my rowing career we had no more boat dispatch the dads scoop us out how did it break in half was it like it wasn't struck by lightning

um wavy water it was they would it was like white cat when you're rowing especially for a regatta you want it to be no waves no wind right right and these boats are very skinny and long and they're very thin. Like a certain penis I've heard about. So what if I can't touch the sides? Every lady likes just to touch the very, very back and that's it. Yep.

Like a medical exam. That's right. Like a COVID test. Yeah, like a covid test for their vagina if you hum uh it won't hurt as much that's what i say anyway who who told you that and cheryl ann is uh the lying bitch um but anyway no they uh we there was white caps um and uh they wait water started to we started to take on a lot of water and we our boat started to fill with water and the middle of the i'm in the middle of the boat because i had the least in rowing uh the

worse you are the worst technique you're more in the middle so i'm in the middle and i just remember our boat started to get wider it was we had we're taking on water and and then and and it started to get wider in the middle and I just kept saying, we're getting pretty wide back here. It's getting really wide. And then there's like a little, something called a cockswing with like a little speaker, like a little Madonna microphone

and there's like little speakers throughout the ship so you can hear them giving you instructions. And I was like, it's getting very wide. They're like, what? I was like, i was getting the and i remember her going the boat is getting wide and then it went and cracked in half oh yeah yeah you tried to warn them Oh wow Graham What's your favorite No Graham I'm sorry No Graham

What's your favorite Olympic event Winter Olympic Winter or summer I like the I really like the snowboarding I love the snowboarding I like the figure skating

Those are the two Snowboarding They do snowboarding Down a mountain Where they go off jumps They do snowboarding In a half pipe slope style boarding yeah they do snowboarding uh races i like the snowboarding races i don't love the half pipe as much as i like that one where they go off of random jumps yeah that one was style flow style it's called slow style yeah so that and then anything like i like something that's judged as opposed to like a race kind of thing.

But I'll watch, honestly, I'll watch anything. The only thing I'm not interested in is like the biathlon. I feel like that's the one that's kind of like. The shooter? Is that the shooty? That's the shooty. The ski and shooty. But yeah, I'll watch all of them.

I'll watch speed skating. I'll watch cross-country skiing. Ski jump. I'm on board. Great stuff. Do they still do the short track speed skating? Or is that gone? They wear the 1990s bike helmets that your mom bought you at Canadian Tire

and they whip around there. That one is awesome. I don't know why they don't give them new helmets. That're like that's just not in the budget track yeah somebody's bobsled broke so we didn't fix that so yeah you're gonna have to use last year's helmets yeah um yeah no so i i that's what i uh have been doing as soon as i'm done recording this i will be turning the Olympics on and enjoying them for as long as I can. Good for you.

Yeah, I'm not watching anything else. A lot of people aren't watching the Olympics and for political reasons or whatever. Sure. I think that's unfair for these athletes that have been training. It's the Olympics. They only get like one shot every four years.

Usually just one shot their whole life. It's nothing. Yeah. You only watch them like support you. Yeah. Only had one shot. Oh, I would you take it?

Capture it or let it slip between your hands. I'm forgetting. Well, should we let it slip? I've been doing the ladder with my life. So you've been letting it slip between your hands. Forget it. Well, should we... I've been doing the latter with my life. You've been letting it slip? Yeah, letting it slip. Well, you don't really get one shot with your life.

You get every day is a new shot. So you can just let those slip. Yeah, you can shoot your shot. Oh, good. Can we re-record this whole thing? Yeah. Do you guys think we should move on to some overheards yeah

hi I'm Biz and I'm Teresa and we're the hosts of One Bad Mother a podcast about parenting parenting is hard and we have no advice but we do see you doing it honk if you like to do it

didn't we have a bumper sticker a while back that was like, honk if you did it. That's what it was. I think it was honk if you're doing it. Why did we not ever make those? We did make them. I think they're still in the MaxFun store. Honk, honk, you're doing it. Thanks, Viz.

So are you. Each week, we'll be here to remind you that you're doing a good job. You can find us on MaximumFun.org. Honk, honk.

Toot, toot. I listen to Bullseye because Jesse always has really good questions. What did John Malkovich wear when he was 20? I don't know

how to describe it. There's always that moment where Jesse asks a question that the person he's interviewing has not thought of before. I don't think anyone's ever said that to me or acknowledged that to me, and that is so real. Bullseye, interviews with creators you love and creators you need to know. From MaximumFun.org and NPR. Overheard.

Overheard's a segment where, you know what? People are saying some stuff out there, you know? And you've got to keep your ear open to hear what's going on. Or see something. Or if you experience something. Or you have a dream about something something these are all things we accept under the banner of overheard and we like to start always with the guest graham would you please thank you graham um yeah i so this one i was i i was racking my brain i think this is one of like the so that one time when i this is about 12 years ago i got sent to the drunk tank in brooklyn okay um and i was in jail for three days holy shit because they

called my brother they the only number the only only phone number I could remember was my parents' phone number in Canada, in Ottawa. And they called my... My brother picked up the phone and he has autism and didn't understand the questions. And we always pretend we're Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. And they're like, do you know Graham? And he's like, I know Bert. And then they hung up. And so I was just in jail for three days.

And I was just sleeping on the floor with like 20 other people. And one day I woke up. And what I woke up to was a guy saying, telling another another guy all three of my kids are two i was like i gotta get out of here yeah i gotta these guys are doing funky math over here i gotta yeah this doesn't make sense at all six of us um what how did you get out how did you get what how and also if you're just drunk how can they just hold you for days and days well they had a thing called one of the reasons why um so forget his name having a brain fart mike something mike uh he tried to run for president mike vance piazza no like uh like two years or you know a year or two years ago whatever um obama for but he he was the former mayor of new york city

and before de blasio and bloomberg bloomberg and he had these uh you know he instituted like giuliani did it as well but he furthered them these like you know broken window laws basically where unwritten rule that these these police precincts each they had quotas of arrest they had to get right so if you would do anything wrong they would full-blown arrest you and take you to jail to get their quota up wow and um obviously they target minority communities and when i tell um you know black people this story they get a little twinkle in their eye they get a little smile they're like good i'm glad and uh anyway so i got like uh assaulted by uh police officers i was like my i was leaving a bar and i my friend she was um this this gay woman and she was dressed like a guy and she

she was tagging this outdoor atm and i was making fun of her i was like why are you tagging we're almost 30 um want to see my tag from ninth grade and i showed her like my tag from ninth grade and then uh cars pulled up on the sidewalk unmarked cars no no whoop whoop no no unmarked and guys got out like big guys were wearing sweaters got out and just just like beating us up and uh they thought she was a guy and um and i and i i i like kind of elbowed somebody like i can't someone came from from behind and shoved me against one of those like metal grates over like a closed store and i like turn around like you know tried to get out of it and i guess that's assaulting a police officer and i only didn't go i only was able to get a green card because uh i was only able to get get off because

and get a green card like five years later six years later because there was a cct there was like a security camera footage from a store across the street that caught them assaulting us that my my lawyer my like public defender got a hold of and um and uh yeah and i we were just in jail for three days and um my boss was i was working at a restaurant and you know if you ever worked at a restaurant you know that if you don't show up you're you're screwed you know you're gonna get fired and it was really hard for me to find a job because i you know i i uh little did they know you were breaking the law all the time yeah yeah so i i like i but luckily my boss was like this like 50 year old black dude from the bronx and i was like and i walked in and i started telling him i was gonna have this like i had

this like long story and he was like he just stopped me and he was like oh you got picked up okay bring me the like uh t74 form like i knew the name of the form that the police give you like as proof that it did happen right um because in his world it was like uh the cops just make you disappear sometimes and um it's not your fault and uh so that's a story about how I would have lost my job if my boss was white. And, huh. So three kids are two. Okay. All right.

Sorry, that got intense again. I like a little intensity, you know? Yeah, yeah. We could use a little of that. It's going to really take the air out of my overheard uh dave do you have an overheard yeah it was a bunch i was with these cops and we were picking up we picked up a guy for tagging um no mine was uh i remember i don't like oh i remember i don't like that i don't like you okay yes i'm i'm the guy you don't like, oh, I remember. I don't like that. I don't like you. Okay. Yes, I'm the guy you don't like.

Me and some other big guys in sweaters. You know what that story had? Knitwear. I love it. Don't tell them the truth that I was selling drugs on the corner. Yeah, yeah. No, they're the tag police. Tag force. yeah yeah no they're the tag police yeah uh tag force i don't know what their van would look like but i like it yeah yeah it does seem like uh like

brooklyn 99 makes uh police work seem fun and cute yeah and it's the kind of thing where they would be working for a month trying to bust someone who's been tagging that's right yeah anyway my overheard is uh this is an overseen and it just made me laugh seeing it on a uh on a bumper sticker this is just a i've heard this quote uh it's a very pretentious quote. And I saw it on a bumper sticker on an SUV and it made me laugh. And it just said, film is truth 24 times a second. Nice. Whoa. Nice, whoa.

Oh, man. I would like to, like, pull up beside that guy and go, roll down your window and then go, do you want to get coffee and just chat? Yeah. I bet you're chilling. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Let's go to a movie together.

Yeah. What about video frame rates? Yeah, exactly. And NTSC versus PA. Yeah. And also the new, uh,

sure. The, the, uh, seven 20 versus 1180. Yeah. And like, you know, do you like, uh, sure, the 720 versus 1180. Yeah. And like, you know, do you like Bluetooth? Not Bluetooth.

Blu-ray. Yeah. Do you like, or HD DVD? Is this you asking the guy? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have a bumper sticker about 4K? Yeah.

Yeah. I've never seen that bumper sticker before, but it's. Have you about 4K? Yeah. Yeah. I've never seen that bumper sticker before, but it's... Have you heard that quote? No. Oh, it's very artsy. I know the quote that you take life one quarter mile at a time. Yeah, sure. That's what I say when I ask him to roll down the window.

Hey, film nerd. Yeah, I me gonna race for pinks you know film then you'll know this franchise you're probably familiar with this film. Yeah. Uh, Graham. Yes. Yes. You haven't overheard. I do. Oh, you already had yours.

It's my great. I did it again. I stepped in. Um, I saw two, I want to say it 20, 21 year old gals walking down the street and all I captured from them, but it was enough was,

uh, one of the gals saying i love lesbian porn but only with real lesbians and then the other one oh yeah oh yeah of course oh yeah if you can't get real lesbians store-bought is fine yeah exactly but you know it's uh it's you want to do the hundred mile porn situation oh yeah you want to get locavores yeah yeah exactly you want uh porn to table anyways yeah um what yeah yeah you know you could have sex on a table i've heard yeah you can have sex on the table you can have sex in a canoe you can have sex uh what else can you have sex yeah you can have sex in an old mine that's yeah you can have sex in a giant in a big shoe in a big shoe um i think those are all the places you can have sex oh the bed the bed also sometimes the bed but not if

you're wearing those uh old-timey pajamas yeah exactly take forever to get off button and get these jugs out yeah how am i supposed to stay hard with all these buttons that's what i always say that's your bumper sticker that's my bumper sticker and then one of those emojis the big shrug the big shrug yeah big shrug I can't anyway I can't drive by schools anymore

but that's fine it's worth the sticker who cares now also in addition to our overheards we have overheards sent in by listeners if you want to send one in to us you can send it in to spy at maximum fun dot org the first one comes from We have overheards sent in by listeners. If you want to send one in to us, you can send it in to SPY at MaximumFun.org. The first one comes from Jason J. in Washington State.

I was in my local Target today. That's how you know he's in the States, for sure. Target. I was in my local Target today where I saw a five-ish year old girl grudgingly following her mom to the checkout line. The mom was pushing a very full cart, and the girl was about ten feet behind, not even trying to keep up. As they walked by me, the girl shouted loudly to her mom,

We came here for bedding, and we just got a buttload of junk. Mom, this happens every time we go looking for sheets. You end up buying buying i don't know what you'd buy at target that's very specifically target target does it have a kid is gonna do well yeah oh absolutely i mean it's just it's just got everything you you need you're gonna get a croquet set you're gonna get uh you know a bedside lamp or one of those pumps for hand soap. Yeah. Target, Canada, by the way, is in the retail world the biggest failure in retail history.

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember when it went, no, it went down and there was like kind of a fire sale. They were getting rid of everything. Yeah, yeah. And like I went way too late everything had already been yeah picked over when you go to a fire sale at a store and they're like we buy this shelf and you're like do i need a giant shelf yeah i'm here too late i better go

yeah just a hula hoop on the ground no price tag on it just take it we need everything out of here so we can blow up this place yeah it's a fire cell because we're gonna set this place on fire you gotta set it on fire um this next one comes from elizabeth in north carolina was in the room for my during my 10 year old son's zoom violin group lesson they were discussing black history month teacher said, can anyone tell me who Louis Armstrong is? My son takes himself off mute to say, yes. Wasn't he the guy that was on the moon? And the teacher responds, no, that was Lance Armstrong.

One of the three big Armstrongs. Violin over Zoom. one of the three big armstrongs yeah um violin over zoom they both uh i've only only touched one one sphere yeah there's not a lot of overlap between space and bike and trumpet it's uh but it's it's i was trying to make a one testicle joke yeah no right he only had one testicle i stink you're right no but you know god bless cheryl crowe she she worked with it while she could yeah what kind of work did she do graham she's just having fun. That's all she wanted to do. Boy, what the group violin lesson over Zoom sounds like one of the levels of hell. Yes. Yeah.

There's no way that's good or fun. No, no. This last one comes from Dave H. Plainfield, Indiana. Sitting at at the vet waiting in an exam room with the door closed i heard a guy just say i used to have a friend named julia she's the worst yeah probably julia roberts i've heard she can be trouble on set yeah but i will say she's a pretty woman she's a pretty woman what was the name of that who wrote that last one roy orbison no the overheard oh it was uh sorry if my dad was was here right now he'd be like

now that's comedy gram now that's a good one dave h and plain ph Indiana. Oh, good. I'm glad there's another Dave here. I'm feeling outnumbered. Yeah, exactly. And you know what? In a lot of ways, you're out-doddered. And yeah, that makes me think of a show, I think, that exists. Out-doddered? Yeah.

I feel like it's a TLC show. Oh, boy. Guy with, you know, quintuplets or something like that. Anyways, he's out-doddered. It just takes that. Anyways, he's outdoddered. It just takes two dodders to be outdoddered. It's true. It's true. Not if you have three that are two. That's true. Yeah, three that are two. In addition to

overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh. SpyPod 1, like these people have. Hi, Damon Graham and possible guests. This is Annie from Texas calling in with an overheard.

I live in an apartment building in which there's a little courtyard slash dog park down in the middle of like a block where all of our patios open up to said dog park. And, um, Jay, there were two young men, like maybe in their twenties-ish kind of bro type talking about relationships and girls. talking about relationships and girls. And, uh, guy one said like, um, yeah, man,

you know, like she came over and, you know, we were like, guy two said, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, and guy one said, you know, like we were like, and guy two was like, sure. Uh huh. Yeah.

And guy one said, we were, you guy two was like sure uh-huh yeah and guy one said we were you know 69ing oh oh okay bye so we were you know you know how this sentence is gonna end hey of course so good i hope i hope the other guy was like lying trying to impress his friend we were like you know that's what i was thinking 69ing is that what you wanted to hear i hope it was because because that's what we're having so i'm serving up let me just open up my kama sutra we were doing the beast with two backs. Yeah. The angry crab we were doing.

Yeah. Is that, is the beast with two backs when you just touch butts? Yes. Yeah. Also known as the devil. Yeah. You just rub your little bums together. We were doing the scorpion king yeah that's right uh here's your next phone call

hey dave graham and guests this is gabriel in cleveland with a fashionably late overheard i went to a target a week or two before christmas and i was in the christmas decorations area when i saw a man walk up to the Christmas tree toppers section he looks at them for a second crosses his arms and says ah fuck you gotta be shitting me okay thanks bye yeah that's good

yeah did they run out of something at the Christmas tree toppers there's ego angel or star or you know an expletive that you know a circle that has a swear word in it or something like that like a fun christmas tree topper yeah like a gi joe or something like that yeah whatever like a big uh you know just a big boob big boob you know wonky penis wonky penis oh it's wonky or like but like a classy a classy like a crystal penis yeah yeah exactly if you're

uh you know more downtown and you're living in a nice condo yeah wonky penis that's more of like a rural did you have a christmas tree this year graham and i'm this time i'm talking to graham yes i did no that was perfect because we both got it we both we were simpatico. We were like two twins, but we're only twins because we have the same name. Name twins. Name twins. We're name twins. Yeah.

It's nice to meet my name twins. Separated, but we're two idiots who think that we can mind read and like we have a connection. We don't. We don't at all. Try to talk at the same time yeah exactly

did either of you have a christmas tree this year and did you put anything on the top i bought a i i like uh in my little like new york I went and I bought a little tiny, I went to the tree guy. And then I was like, what's the smallest one you have? And he's like, I don't know, just find one. And I pulled out a branch, basically. And he was like, just take it. And he felt sorry for me. Yeah, you disgust me.

Yeah. And I was like, suckers. And I took my sad little branch home and put it in a vase and then i put a i bought i went to the dollar store and i bought like a uh a star that's you know one of those stars that has like two interlocking triangles anyway it was blue um and i put that on top nice pretty cool sounds pretty nice um i hope you had a nice holiday i don't remember what i put on the top of the tree but i don't remember we did either yeah we uh this year we i mean i always tip the uh the mail carrier yeah it's a they carrier these days It's a they carrier these days?

A mail carrier? Yeah. Oh, a mail. Yes. Yeah. Oh, God. I want to make my fictitious dad listening happy. And so I put some money in an envelope and put the mail carrier on the envelope and they took it.

Oh, that's nice. The next day they had put a thank you card and a homemade Christmas ornament, like a star made out of beer cans. They do some nice metal folding. Outsider art, they would call it. Yeah, folk art. Yeah, folk art, exactly. That's really nice. Yeah, it was really nice. We didn't do a full decorating

this year because we didn't do Christmas here, but that went up on the tree. Yeah, damn right. Thank you, Mr. Postman. Or Mrs. Pac-Man. Here's your final phone call. Dave Graham and guests, Mr. Postman. Or? Or Mrs. Pac-Man. Here's your final phone call. Dave Graham and guests, hello. I'm out here in Sioux Falls, South Dakota,

singing at Radisson Inn. Just pass them through. And there's a big placard that says, John Mellencamp stayed here on XYZ date. And I'm in line, and there's a kid going through the guest book and he's flipping through and he's flipping through and he goes Mama

John Mellencamp didn't sign the guest book and she turns over to him and says baby that's John Mellencamp he can do whatever he wants it's true it's Mellencamp. He can do whatever he wants. It's true. It's Mellencamp's world. We're just living in it. John Cougar

Mellencamp doesn't play by our rules. Yeah, he was sometimes he was a cougar. Sometimes he's just straight up melon. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. He wrote Little Pink Houses. He wrote Suck It On Chili Dogs. That's right.

He wrote Suck It On Chili Dogs, which is the grossest lyric. He's really got it. If he's signing a guest book, he's got to write Suck It On Chili Dogs. Yeah. Write Chili Dogs. Yeah. Yeah. You can suck on these all day.

Love, John. Love, John. Love, JCM. He takes up a whole page. He doesn't know. I did not know there were guest books in a Radisson. No, or any hotel.

They might have been at a Baron B. There might've been, uh, uh, in, in the, uh, there might've been like a funeral in the,

the meeting area that they were. Right. Sure. Yeah. Passed by. And I love the guest book in the the meeting area that they were right sure yeah passed by and i in the banquet hall i love going through the the guest book of funerals i've gone to yeah john cougar melon cap was not at this funeral yeah um well that's as good as it gets when you're in a radisson you hope you hope there's

a plaque of some some bury me at a radisson next to john cougar valenka um well that brings us to the end of this uh podcast graham k thank you so much for being our guest it's so uh so nice to chat with you and you're so funny and it's great and thank you very much for coming on thank you so much i really appreciate it um and you're people can see your special if they're in the united states on youtube and it's called uh it's called graham k stupid jokes stupid jokes graham is spelt like graham and k is spelt k-a-y and also you can find me on instagram where i post a bunch of comedy clips uh and also mr graham k at mr graham k thank you yeah when he says graham is felt like graham he means graham yeah yeah and not graham yeah you can you can

pound sand graham's um but uh people can also check out your podcast uh autastic which a couple times a month yes which sounds great i love the i love the premise of it and i will be listening well that's yeah that's fun it's nice yeah um and thank you out there listeners uh thanks for coming get your olympic fill while you can uh see those those folks doing the luge and come see us in edmonton on april 2nd yeah because the olympics will be over you'll need something to do um and come on back next week for another episode of stop podcasting yourself MaximumFun.org Comedy and culture.

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