Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 739 - Nicole Passmore

Episode Date: May 17, 2022

Improviser Nicole Passmore returns to talk coffee and popcorn, The Prestige, and Dateline.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 739 of stop podcasting yourself my name is graham clark and with me as always is a man who's way way into spring mr dave shumka oh yeah i'm i'm freaking damon wayans to spring man you should see me i'm doing all these offensive characters oh sure yeah yeah they well you can't make a show like that anymore why why you know what's who's it hurting to make fun of yeah or the jokes the what are the jokes again remind me that are the jokes just the the people are different yeah the people are

different yeah uh but you know what we laughed yeah that's right as a nation we laughed to heal now before we go we introduce our guests i have a little surprise oh oh now uh last week on the show i talked about these uh popcorn crunchy crunchy corn corn pop uh chocolate bars right dave's uh to our guests dave's obsessed with these uh corn chocolate bars now i uh imported these from america which imported them from sweden and i went down to america and um so i'm on my third bar third of four bars uh the first two well i mean i had finished the first one before we recorded last week's episode i've been kind of working my way through davis this is your get to know us that you're burning right off the top no no no this is something that uh so i just want like um the the first one was was great second one was great third one i ate it and i've been having

pieces of it and then i've kind of not been feeling great afterwards. Interesting. But I say the whole thing except I have four of these little squares left. And then I noticed this like over the years the show started as like just like a comedy chat show. And now primarily it's a show about two things. Mr. Bean and eating expired food. Yes. Yes. And so do you feel like maybe it's too expired to eat? Yeah, this expired on March

20th. Okay, that was a while ago. But the first two bars were great. This one I feel like every time I have any of it, I don't feel good. I have stomach pain. Are you having stomach pain right now? No, but I want to eat this and see if I want to do a scientific I don't feel good. I have stomach pain. Are you having stomach pain right now? Is that what you're trying to tell me? Okay. I know, but I want to eat this and see if I want to do a scientific test and see if this gives me stomach pain. Now, if anybody's wondering if we have a guest, we do, but first Dave wants to poison himself. Yeah.

Just eating this old chocolate. Set a timer to see how long until i have yeah this is the uh audio version of jackass that's what this is this is called dave shitting himself no it's never that it just it just hurts our guest today and we do have one so good a regular guest here on the show we always love to have her on uh she's part of the second city touring company in toronto and uh she is here for us today it's nicole passmore everyone oh hi it's oh hi hi i um i'm horrified by this choice dave i don't like it i don't support it i think it's quite dumb uh why would you what what should i do with

the chocolate bar not eat it you know what you know what's really funny to me is that you have the self-control to pace it out like you've had four chocolate bars over what how long like this isn't that's not pacing it out these are enormous chocolate bars so i'm never mind they're like a wonka bar not clear on how big this i thought you were eating like a ritter sport size uh that is massive no it's like it's like two and a half ritter sports okay but still i could burn through one of those in like a day if i yeah yeah so you have some self-control but you also have no um kind of self-control because you're i'm like uh yeah well i can't let it go yeah but it's it still tastes really good this could be your talent that would be in like the jim rose

circus everybody else is swallowing swords and you just eat this everybody brings an expired chocolate now I didn't have the expired craft dinner a few weeks ago oh yeah it smelled bad I bet it would be fine it just didn't smell good and it would probably taste bad this on the other hand mmm yum okay so do we want to get to know us?

on the other hand. Yum. Okay. So, uh, do we want to get to know us? Nicole, do you have something that you eat despite it being absolutely horrible for you?

Oh, um, yeah, everything. Everything, Graham. But I mean like something, something that you eat and then instantly feel ill something that

actively hurts you um yeah like i have things that i know i have food allergies to and i don't care um i don't care at all very brave of you is well you know we're all we're all dying slowly, so might as well enjoy a little bit. Okay, I don't know if this, yeah, I guess this counts. It's not like disgusting, but I am into my 30s. Oh, she looks good for her age, though. She does, that's true. I hate myself right now. You know what? Google Nicole Passmore right now. You know what?

Google Nicole Passmore right now. Get an eyeful. Find my age and a picture of me. Get an eyeful. Ew. Get an eyeful, babies. Oh, wow. You know what?

You look really beautiful. Yeah. Oh, wait. No, this is Nicole Scherzinger. Dave, fuck off! Well, I'm not saying you don't. You're just saying someone else. But Nicole Scherzinger does.

Oh, yeah, she does. Yeah, it's true. So, you're working through your 30s. What I'm trying to say is I'm not young, but there's very, very few things I've figured out about my body. Like every day is still like, how do you work? Yeah. The only thing I figured out is that I should not be allowed to have a full coffee and a bag of popcorn. Hmm. And that does go together.

Together? Oh, I do that together all the time. Because when I go to the movies i get a starbucks coffee and i get a really big bag of popcorn and my favorite way to eat the popcorn is to go to the topping station and get the jalapenos and sprinkle them in there like they have actual like peppers yeah yeah full peppers or full like sliced peppers at the station yeah for when you get the hot dogs oh you you get the hot dogs oh you dress over at the hot dog movie theaters have become disgusting i think they always were

disgusting but they've ratcheted it up like it used to be you could just you could just get popcorn and candy and pop and now it's like there is a pizza hut and a hot dog and nachos with the pump cheese. The Cineplex poutine is amazing. Just can't be true. Is that true? I think I've talked about this before, maybe even on here, but yes,

it's true. I love the Cineplex poutine. It's very well priced and it's really good. And it's vegetarian. So, and it comes in the Dr. Strange container. so that's commemorative dr strange poutine container you have to collect all four okay so does that make sense in the movies like when you first said those two things i was like you're not waking

up in the morning and having a that's what i thought yeah no no i'm going to i don't i i wouldn't eat popcorn unless I was at the movies. I'm not a home popcorn person. I think it's like Norman Rockwell. Like if you make a big bowl of popcorn, it's very wholesome. Yeah, Dave is eyeing me right now in a way that suggests he is. That is absolutely projection. I am just looking at my screen.

You have no idea what I'm eyeing as we're on Zoom. Dave was looking at some Norman Rockwell paintings. Dave was looking at Nicole Scherzinger still. My grandma had a Norman Rockwell painting that she bought at the Bay. Oh, nice. Like an original painted by norman rockwell really yeah that's wild is it still in the family or she'd sell it it's still in the original wrap wrapping it's new in box uh she's no longer with us but it's still in the

family yeah wow um what is it do you know have you seen it what is it of yeah yeah it was just like i don't know if he was it's it's like a man writing an old man writing by candlelight i can't tell if he's maybe a priest or something oh it's not like the the like whatever evening post style yeah yeah the girl with the black eye was always a favorite yeah boy getting haircut yeah that was always a favorite for you graham i don't like him because he he was prominently displayed at my doctor he was in every single room of my doctor and in the waiting room was a bunch of norman rockwell so i very much associate it with getting a shot or getting a popsicle stick in my throat or whatever why did you do that because i wanted

to swallow as many as i could before he came in or did you think a tongue depressor was a popsicle stick i said look at the size of the popsicles that could go on that holy shit it doesn't have a riddle on it rip off graham's stealing them all for all the points we can get. Popsicle peat points? Yeah, popsicle peat points from the doctor. Yeah. What would you get with popsicle peat points? I don't even know what popsicle peat points are. Oh, my gosh.

When you used to buy popsicles, and then when you, like, licked off all the popsicle, it would tell you how many points was on the stick. This is very unfamiliar for me. And then you could you could you could collect them in for yeah you know the the kind of uh present the prizes the presents and prizes you could cash them in for a present from daddy popsicle pete uh but you he's a zaddy i don't know i feel like you could get like summer stuff like maybe beach yeah i was

thinking cool stuff or like some kind of floating ball beach balls i guarantee beach ball was one of them for sure that's this is not like i mean i know of this system of sending in points for some kind of do you know popsicle pete no i't. He was a man made out of a popsicle with popsicle stick legs. And he had a cape. Was he a man made out of a popsicle? Or was he a popsicle and also a man? I think he had a human head. And a popsicle body.

He was like Frankenstein. Why did he have a human head? That doesn't make any sense to me. I know he had an ass that could swallow up a G-string and up top, two bee stings. Yeah. I wouldn't have noticed the human face then. I've been too busy looking at that. Speaking of brands that I've never heard of before, I'm drinking something called Dr. Thunder.

Oh. Okay. Okay. Okay. So this is, are you also going to time how long it takes you to get diarrhea? Oh, it's going to be fast. Now you told me before the show that this is something you got at the, uh,

convenience store that used to be attached to little mountain. And when was little mountain torn down? Uh, well, it would have been january of this rest in peace january february i know this is january this is january dr pepper dr thunder please no but dr pepper um whatever facsimile yes yeah it says very prominently very low sodium very low that's when my doctor says your blood pressure is good and i'm like because i've been

drinking a six pack of dr thunder every week it's actually pretty good it tastes like what is the thing you eat too much of graham chocolate chocolate yeah but does chocolate it doesn't disagree with you oh the thing that disagrees with me no i guess i got confused i got a little bit mixed up in the questioning but yeah sure what what is the thing that disagrees with me? No, I guess I got confused. I got a little bit mixed up in the questioning. But yeah, sure. What is the thing that you shouldn't eat? That's a good question because there's probably a lot of them. But I think something that routinely hurts my stomach is drinking a lot of coffee.

I drink more than two cups of coffee a day. I'm like, what did I do wrong? I love it though. Because I'm usually, I have kind of a pretty solid digestion. You really do. You've got an iron constitution. Yeah, when people talk about how spicy food

makes them do whatever, or I'm like, nah, not me, man. Do whatever. Or like, oh yeah, drink a cup of coffee and then, you know, whatever. It's like, nah, it happens when it happens or like what i remember visiting switzerland and eating all the cheese and bread and potatoes and people were like oh you won't be able to you know whatever you're like check this out that's not true for me i could eat all the cheese in the world and still have a very healthy whatever.

Yeah. But this man, this one chocolate bar, the third one. Can I just clarify? When you said popcorn-y, corn-y kind of thing, is it actually just corn or is it like corn flakes? It's got bits of popcorn and bits of corn nuts in it in it oh okay so it's the official chocolate of podcast to yourself marabou marabou the corniest um so you are back doing live comedy in toronto yeah i am and we were talking before the show and graham made me stop asking this question so we could do the show yeah he really he's really aggressive about it. Yeah, that's right.

That's because I've had too much Dr. Thunder. Low sodium, high aggression, baby! There's a phenomenon that happens in Canada doing comedy in the spring where the Stanley Cup playoffs start and then shows are affected. Absolutely, yeah. How has this been in hockey crazy Toronto? Okay, fairly true, but also it was worse when the Raptors were in. Oh, yeah. Because it's Toronto and that is the team. And I feel like the people who come

to comedy shows are more likely to be I'm generalizing, but the people who come to most comedy shows are more likely to follow the Raptors than to go to Leafs games. Because you know, Leafs I feel like people who have Leafs tickets

into it are like richer and more boring. Sure. Yeah, I said it. I also feel like a lot of these things are broadcast on TV as well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good point, Dave. Okay, so they're accessible to

people who don't have money. But I meant also they're just like a bit boring. I don't know hockey to me a bit boring sorry um but it did well not here in vancouver it's lightning it's lightning fast and fun and yeah oh yeah thank the team they're going to take this year off from the playoffs but yeah they've decided the team's just going to rest up they're going to take it off yeah they're going to rest up this year. They're going to take it off. Yeah. They're going to have a little breather. Because they're going too fast. Being too lightning fast. At hockey.

Oh, my God. You know, okay. What did happen? I feel like when everything opened up, quote, post-pandemic, end quote. Because, like, what is that? It felt like a bunch of people who hadn't really seen comedy or, like,'t their thing were coming out because like shows were sold out left, right and center. And it was a lot of people who were like, what is this? I think because like you haven't done as much and you're like, I'm going to do something new and exciting.

Like even even me, I was like, I should go to a museum or like. Did you? No, I'm very lazy no no i did not well then so you're not like these people at all but i said yeah even with me i had that vibe well i have the desires they have just not the follow-through but like did you how far in your follow-through did you get did you look up a museum i googled i looked up sure what the hours were again what what museum were you leaning towards a rom of course and then i don't think it's an ago but like the i don't think it's a museum but i was looking at the ago the art gallery but i didn't go either i'm very very lazy

geo the art gallery but i didn't go either i'm very very lazy what's uh what is one thing like since the things have kind of started opening up that you're like ah thank goodness it's back movies i'm boring but movies i've been to like everything that's out basically anything good um yeah i saw the batman that's all I saw. And it was fine. I saw the Batman. I, um, nearly got into a fight with a woman in the bathroom at the Batman. I would like to hear about this in the bat room. That's right. For the movie.

They scratched out the age. Um, okay. okay well i'll preface this by saying like yes i know i'm a bit out of my mind um and also like i'm pretty fiery as a human uh yeah that sounds right and also we've been in a pandemic for years where like the only thing that kept people safe from each other were masks. Yeah. Or not seeing each other. So, it was the last weekend before the mask mandate was lifted. And you were seeing the Batman. I was seeing the Batman.

The masked mandate? The masked, boy, is that easy. Sure. The masked crusader. Yeah, go on, the masked boy. Is that easy? Sure. The masked crusader. Yeah. Go on, Dave. And I was in the washroom washing my hands before the movie. Yeah, I do that.

Brag. So you can dip your hands in jalapenos and coffee. Clean it before you get disgusting. It's a good rule but there was a woman not in a mask and i was like very politely like hey can you put your mask on please like honestly very politely and i don't know why she thought this would be like a good tact with me but she was like oh yeah the stupid mask mandate right and i was like well it's not stupid like i'm in a mask i just asked you to put on a mask and she she starts like making fun of it and i was like no you should put on a mask like and she's like but it ends on monday and i was like exactly there's three more days uh yeah so she like starts to put on a mask to the batman

i don't think it was opening night dave i'm not that interesting uh but she like started like just getting like at first when she was trying to like um commiserate with me and I didn't accept it, she started getting insulting. She's like, well, it's fucking stupid. And I was like, you're stupid. And she was so shocked. I was like, yeah, like, please don't be dumb. And I like started to dry my hands. And then she, I guess guess got like pissed off.

She's like, what are you the police? Like you don't get to tell me what to do. And I was like, I'm not the police. I'm just not stupid. And like, again,

got her really, really riled up. So she, so she pulled out a mask, her mask from her purse. And she's like, you want a mask? Wear mine.

And she shoved her mask in my face and um as i said i'm a bit of a fiery human well yeah we already um you're calling this person stupid i'm sorry dave i'm sorry but it's not that hard to wear a mask And I was polite at first and she got rude first and I have no impulse control. So when she shoved her mask in my face, I very calmly, very calmly took one step towards her. And I said, if you don't move that mask out of my face, I will fucking kick the shit out of you. Wow. out of my face i will fucking kick the shit out of you wow man of course it's not the right thing to do but like i'm is it just the two of you in the bathroom there's like one of her friends and then an old lady coming in as it's sort of ending and she's got four kids with no she didn't i don't i hope she

doesn't have any children a kid and a baby bjorn no she was in there with her friend and they had just been talking about how young people are lazy what did her friend do nothing nothing but also now she's lazy and stupid i like afterwards i just like left like this older woman came in and saw that tail end and i was like excuse me ma'am and i think she was so shocked because for me to go from like fucking kill you to like sorry ma'am can i get by you um and then i from karen to dar. I don't know who Darren is. Who's Darren? The guy from Bewitched, I guess.

Yeah, a polite person. Darren Criss, writer of Sex and the City. No, Darren Criss is the guy from Glee. Oh, who wrote Sex and the City then? Candace. Peter Criss. That doesn't matter. Why did I ask that question?

Yeah, anyway, so she tried to get me in trouble and then i was like this woman just shoved a dirty mask in my face and they're like oh and then she backed off and they tried to kick her out of the theater so my internet connection's unstable i don't know if you just heard me oh yeah we heard you you froze but we heard yeah we heard you okay anyway um yeah so if you air that um air that if this makes the podcast just know i i'm a psycho yeah well i don't want that some lady with a mask to shove it in my face so we should that's true yeah i think my reaction is obviously um less conventional but i don't think anybody wants a person to shove a mask their mask in your face no like no that's six inches from my face a brand new mask maybe maybe sure that'd be fine but it wasn't i'm all that's i'm like i'm always telling people you know put a mask on my face

also choke me daddy you know what Dave so am I but rules are rules I salute you I would never I just broke over the pandemic and I was so annoyed I just walk away usually I'm scared oh i i got i just broke over the pandemic and i was so annoyed i just would i just you know walk

away usually i'm scared that's the thing you should do but my brain is incapable so if it was yeah if it was me you'd be like wow he disappeared into the stall real quick and then i pulled my feet up like i wasn't there excuse me can you put your mask on sir what did you say nothing bye joke me daddy um yeah it's uh because now the only place as far as i know that you have to wear i assume you have to wear them in hospitals and you have to wear them on airplanes. And Toronto,

you're, you're still mandated to wear them on the TTC, like on transit, but half the people don't. So, yeah, but I don't, I I've given up.

I can't anymore. Like, yeah, you're going to walk. You're not taking the TTC anymore. I take it. I just can't yell at anybody anymore i'm too broken how do you say you're broken you seem complete you seem like you've

got your oh that's nice graham yeah it's wrong but it's nice you're out there doing it you know oh i just mean i think during the pandemic i was like can we just try a little? And now I'm like, oh, okay. Like, I guess it is quote unquote over. And also it's fine. Like, I'm just not going to care what anybody else does. So, yeah. I just want to break in here. 23 minutes since I ate that chocolate.

Feeling good. Feeling good. Are you feeling good? Good. Are you feeling fine? I don't think I've ever felt good. Good. Imagine. Holy shit. Yeah. What does that feel like do you wonder like boy like when people talk about a runner's

high yeah or people who just like are happy every day oh give me that you know how in a coke commercial there's a bunch of young people that are all happy that to me looks like the ultimate like hanging out poolside you know skateboards in hand i was uh you're making me there was a discman commercial in the early 2000s or the early 90s that had a joe satriani song in it cool and it was a lot of like people like rollerblading yeah having a discman nice which would have been the worst thing to do with a Discman because it would have skipped like crazy. Well, this was the new, the first, you know, no skip technology. Oh, right. I think it was the Discman Sport.

Was it the one you hold in your hand? It was yellow. Or did it have the like clip you could put on your waist? Because for me, like you're rollerblading around holding a full Discman. on your waist because for me like you're rolling around holding a full discman be good practice if you were like trying to become a server at like a drive-in something like that sure no yeah good this is this is the one occasion that i think it could work but i'm still laughing at the visual of people around a pool all holding skateboards like why are so i'm their skateboards oh because they're young nicole who who can figure out what these kids are doing this is like so i'm watching the commercial now it's a

bunch of different people doing different things with a disc different kinds of disc mans there's a uh a beach one there's a car one cool but it's when it's young people doing fun stuff literally like i'm misremembering it because the opening shot is like a young person like a bunch of people in a convertible that's fun and a young woman comes by with her dry cleaning and throws it in the convertible. Like let's go guys. I'm young and I dry clean. I do it. When's the last time either of you went to the dry clean? Oh no.

Oh no. I have dry cleaning in and I haven't gotten it in a month oh shit it belongs to them now do they steal it from you or like well they're allowed to wear it if it's not you know picked up within a month and they don't have to wear underwear that's right well it's a jacket so i don't care it's too jacked they're gonna wrap it around their waist yeah they're gonna wear like a diaper i don't believe dry cleaning is real just for no i agree i agree like i i use it because i know it comes back cleaner than when i had it yeah but i don't like i don't understand the process i don't believe it's actually a real thing just chemicals like instead of watching what do you do you just like wave

chemicals over the fabric or but they spray it's not actually dry it's like for breezing but better yeah they don't like it doesn't it's not water soluble so i guess that's why it's drying it's dangerous for breeze yes because they when a dry cleaner clothes they can't just build something on that place again. It's like a gas station closing. It's true. Are you joking? Because of seepage. They're usually like in a strip mall,

so they can't put a community garden there for six years while the soil rebuilds itself. They just put in payless shoes. They had to do that with one of the gas stations by where i like grew up in north van yeah um so it was sitting there for years because they didn't want to pay the money to actually like because you could either pay a super big amount of money and then you can use it

right away super big amount of money wow um or you have to wait those years so they waited years so the gas station just looked exactly like it was left. And that's where they filmed the Dwayne, the rock Johnson movie walking tall. So as a teenager, me and my sisters would go and like watch him filming at the little gas. Wow. That was one of his first legit.

Yeah. I think it was like his first major movie. And I met him. He was nice. You met him? You met him? Yeah. Just like while he was just very very much in passing. Cool. I think that's cool.

The Rock's cool. He's the most movie star that I'd want to like have a, you know, grab a sandwich with, you know? Grab a beer. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Roll up your sleeves. Carry a two by four. My kids are very

interested in the notion of fame. And they said, Dad, who's the most famous person in the world? And I was like, probably Dwayne the Rock Johnson. No way. Yes. it's the pope yeah i guess everybody is isn't that pope crazy what's the pope's name what's the pope's nickname okay yeah you know what maybe you're right he's pope francis right pope francis yeah the third or something like that

I used to work on a cruise ship doing improv and one of the things they did was like a subjective trivia night it was really strange but it was like one of the questions was like who do you think is the most famous

person who's ever lived who's ever lived yeah and then one of the questions was like, who do you think is the most famous person who's ever lived? Who's ever lived? Yeah. It'd be like, and then one of them, some of the nights was who's the most famous person currently. Ever. I would say maybe Elvis.

Yeah. Mickey mouse. Mickey mouse. The most famous person. Mickey mouse. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

I would say, I would say Betty Boop. Yeah. No way. No, I wouldn't nearly as famous i think right right now cristiano ronaldo has like the most followers in the world you know what when i was a kid jesus had the most followers so that's sad did he did he day did he have the most followers at his time? Or was he... After his first album. No, in my time, when I was young.

I didn't say when he was a kid, I said when I was a kid. Oh! Well, that's... Okay, that is an important distinction. Yeah, like, I think The Rock is a good contender for most famous person on the planet because oh he's got to be like top 10 top 20 for sure yeah i would say top 10 i don't know who would like you say the soccer player guy he's probably really super famous in

most countries the queen yeah yeah um depending on how you interpret fame oh you know i forgot we forgot to introduce our new segment. Let's name who's famous. Who's the famousest person? Just name who's famous. Yeah. Who do you think is the most famous musician right now? Like in the entire world, who's the most famous?

Machine Gun Kelly. What a loose interpretation of both fame and musician. Most famous, maybe Beyonce? Machine Gun Kelly Ripa. Rage Against the Machine Gun Kelly Ripa. Oh, this is a fun game. Pretty good. Rage Against the Machine Gun Kelly Rip Torn.

Yeah, nice. Ripa Van Winkle. Rage Against the Machine Gun Kelly rip-torn by Natalie. Nice. Rage Against the Machine Gun Kelly rip-torn

by Natalie and Brugge. Leah Michelle from Glee. Very nice. Very well Oh, very nice. Very nice. Very well done, you guys. What ends in rage? What ends in rage?

You know, the government. Yeah, what ends in rage? You know, the current situation. Oh, sure, yeah. Me on my period. Yeah, Nicole in a public bathroom. But that starts in rage, too. This is one of the many great characters you could expect to see.

Second City on Tour. Don't insult me. Now, you're in the touring company, but there's no touring happening. There's no touring happening. We used to tour. there's no touring happening there's no touring happening we used to tour um we used to go like all over especially ontario like little small towns uh and then i was born in a small town sing it i don't know the words what is that it doesn It doesn't need words. John Mellencamp? It's the most famous song in the world.

No. That's Mellencamp. Okay. Mellencamp's got to be in the top three most famous. What's the most famous song in the world? That's a great question. Jesus loves me. This I know.

Happy birthday. Or the Bible tells me so. Yeah, happy birthday. Yeah, happy birthday's up there. It's got to be happy birthday. Wait, I was talking about something. What was I talking about? You're talking about the touring tour,

but now we stay in town. So we're very misnamed, but yeah. Well, when you were touring, did you, did you do cruise ship? That was through a different company,

but yeah, I did. What was that like? What was cruise ship comedy? Like, Oh, fast, loose. They really wanted you to get inappropriate yes who did the the cruise ship well both both the captain was it yeah adults only

no no this was um i worked in a ship i worked in for a cruise company called the msc so it's an italian company so there are lots of italians um which was fun they were always confused that you weren't allowed to smoke indoors wherever you wanted la dolce vita lots of italians lots of americans mostly those two but yeah kids allowed to we actually did kids shows in the day and then we did it inappropriate um talk about how hard it is to live in the current state of capitalism also trump they all all the adults wanted us to play trump all the time and we weren't allowed like that was a ship rule oh trump so we'd have and you were you were really upset you wanted to do oh yeah dave yeah oh i was heartbroken Oh, Italians and Americans on this ship. Oh, you don't even get smoking here.

I'm calling Donald Trump. Do a skit about Donald Trump and how we can't smoke. It was honestly, though, pretty fun. Like, I just went on a bunch of excursions and yeah where did you go yeah like all was around italy or no caribbean italian ship in the caribbean so i went to miami i went to puerto rico i went to mexico i went to jamaica i went to saint martin holy shit this went to the bahamas you went to all the destinations all the like hot hot hot hot places oh yeah real do you go out get out and snorkel i did i love snorkeling i was about to

swear fucking love snorkeling i do thank you i really like snorkeling like a lot like it's one of my favorite things did you how many times i think i've gone twice in my life. I've snorkeled twice. Probably went 10 times on that trip. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. Did you snorkel like locally as a kid? Just like put one of those things on and go to the beach? A little bit.

Yeah, actually. Like I grew up on an island. I don't think we really properly snorkeled ever, but like I definitely, we just had them as kids. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're're not there's nothing they're like beautiful tropical fish to see but you can not yeah you can see the leech before yeah that's right i can look at an oyster yeah see an oyster spitting up sand

that's actually pretty fun when you see an oyster like spit move it's good it's fun it's fun what uh island did you grow up on i grew up on bowen island was it uh did you were you back to the earthers or you were yeah my parents were hippies because that really it was either like you were a hippie or you were super rich did you go to school on bowen or did you yeah only until grade when did i move grade two i guess oh um we moved pretty early for me my sisters were older but grade two or three why did they move why they moved from their hippie paradise well my parents were divorced pretty like when i was pretty the hippie dream uh the hippie dream. Learning that love isn't real.

I'm joking. I'm joking for all of you out there who have love in your lives. People will write in offended. Actually, I do have love. Could you pass it along to Nicole? Honestly, we moved because living on an island was hard for my mom who was raising me and my two sisters.

Because like, it's really small and having to go grocery shopping properly would be a whole trip out to the mainland. And it's only like a 15 minute ferry, but it's still really inconvenient. Yeah, I would start eating. Yeah, it sucks balls. It sucks balls, yeah. But I did. did okay we did go to school i went to there were two schools a private and a public and i went to the public elementary school and um it was like very hippie-ish and instead of hot dog day we had spaghetti day

where everything was locally sourced um and we had a garden at the school so like all of the pasta sauce was made from the garden ingredients and then the treat was frozen yogurt you couldn't have chocolate milk it was frozen yogurt and then they always like brought people in so like this falconer would come and like bring his hawk oh cool that's really cool what do you do do tricks yeah he would like show us tricks with the hawk on the like a hawks and falcons on the field um would they catch mice yeah he would like swoop down and then also behind the school was like this huge pit of frogs so like oh my god this is dream school it's kind of a dream school so you could like also punishment school so for detention today you must go into the pit of frogs face first

here's your snorkel. I would just like catch frogs. Oh, yeah. Nicole, you famously don't like snakes. I hate snakes. And it is because growing up on that island, there are a lot of garter snakes. And I'm sure I've mentioned this before. My brother and his friend put one down my shirt. And my shirt was tucked in.

And so the snake squirmed and bit me. Yes, of course you've mentioned this before. I do the thing with the... I know. And I'm better, Dave. I've gotten better. Well, I'm worse. It's a red violin, Chris. You have my fear.

Where did you stand on frogs love them yeah they're great yeah no i'm not afraid of reptiles even i am just afraid of snakes frogs rule i just i was picturing the falcons picking up the class pet whatever that was the class pets were inside the class pet was a hot dog but the hot dog day we had spaghetti do you know my my first memory of embarrassment for somebody else oh um for mine for me it was the office oh cringe mine was that they brought in a full um like like uh bagpipe band and it was marching up and down the hallways of our elementary school and i don't know why it embarrassed me so much but i was like oh no i felt and we had to stand in the hallway watching

them outside of our classrooms like it was like a mini parade they don't know this sucks i think like it was also just a sensory overload for a kid being like what the fuck is this yeah but i was so mortified for them the whole time oh yeah it is yeah i mean yeah they did that to like enrich our lives as children, but there's no way of knowing if they're any good at it. That's true. Yeah. I think that's part of it.

I really remember being like, is, is this good? Like it just seems like get really good at it. They have to like kind of lie to themselves a little bit. Yeah. They're like, this is good.

This is, we're going to get more hate mail for that than for you saying love is dead. What are you talking about? I'm trying to do a Scottish accent. Yeah, come on. Go ahead, fat bastard. I'm an improviser and there's nothing more

embarrassing than that. So, just send hate mail for that. Doing accents? No, just more embarrassing than being an improviser. Oh, sure. So I understand having to lie to yourself. No. Dave, do you remember when you first felt embarrassed for somebody?

Boy, no, you're putting me on the spot but uh do you yeah i can remember somebody doing like a standing in the front of the class presentation and burping in the middle of it like involuntarily i was just like oh man this guy's never gonna live oh there was a guy. I mean, I feel bad because I caused this. But it was just like we were all like we were supposed to do so it wasn't like we did a whole day of them but like one day like the teacher was trying to cram a few in at the end of the day right and it we had been so silly all day like everyone was laughing at everything and then a guy gets up at the front of the class and says the title of his oral presentation gino object who's a hockey player an enforcer and uh they're just he goes gino object and i just like can't hold in a laugh anymore and just like and he left the crying he cried oh yeah yeah yeah yeah dave mean hey what can i say i'm a bad guy

i threaten a woman in a bathroom stall and somehow i'm judging you for giggling as a child you're a bad guy um dave what's going on with you You're a banger. Dave, what's going on with you? Jeez, I was hoping to have stomach cramps at this point. That's not a hope you should have, Dave. Well, I mean, when I don't have enough going on to talk about on the podcast, then sure. Yeah, this is you're just trying to create content.

Content's king. I don't know how you both do it every week. Well, get ready for it uh yeah nothing's going on with me that's how yesterday i uh watched the prestige the magic prestige is the yeah magician film yeah it rules okay is it hugh jackman it's totally hugh jackman um isn't there someone else who's in it who's really skinny who like lost a bunch of weight for the role well christian bale is in it but that's the one he didn't lose any weight for the role i'm just conflating i'm sure yeah it's jackman it's kane It's Bale. It's Parabo. It's Johansson.

Hyper Parabo? Yeah. Rebecca Hall. This movie's got it all. This movie really does have it all. It's got... I do like... I mean, it doesn't have diversity. That's for sure.

That's true. But it's got a lot of, like, people from sitcoms, like, hoity-toity British people from sitcoms in it who play series like they have uh the guy who was robin colcord from cheers the like fancy man mean they've got the guy who was the uh the guy from the nanny who was the uh butler on the man the butler on the nan i think it's also got the guy from fraser who hosted like the oh his restaurant yeah yeah the fancier fraser um and this came out at the exact same time as another magic movie yeah what was it magic mike it wasn't magic it wasn't it was a magic i think it came out at the exact same time as another magic movie yeah what was it magic mike it wasn't magic it

wasn't it was a magic i think it came out at the same time as um now you see me no i feel like there was like an old like steampunk magic movie oh you're right yeah prestige because they were like competing illusionist illusionist yeah that had edwardist. Yeah. That had Edward Norton in it, I want to say. Yeah. I've never seen either of them, except I know that one, I know the twist in one of them, but I can't remember which one. Oh? But I don't want to say it.

Yeah, don't say the twist, but it's, oh, it's so good. I forgot how good it is. I was like, I think I remember that the prestige is really good. I'm going to watch it. And? Oh's so good. I forgot how good it is. I was like, I think I remember that the prestige is really good. I'm going to watch it. And? So good. It was so good. Have you ever had that, the opposite, where you're like, I'm going to rewatch this.

And then you're just like, what the fuck was I thinking? Anything from my childhood. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what? You know what what really holds up is uh the peanut butter solution oh yeah space balls is a good one space balls i remember being

so funny and then re-watching it and being like okay i remember hating uh the masters of the universe movie because it was awful but i caught the end of it like a couple months ago and i was like this rules this rules it's so dumb it rules wow i don't know if i've ever revisited something i hated and then ended up liking yeah it was him and i think frank langella was uh him he man was golf lundgren golf lundgren and yeah and frank langella says it's his favorite role that he ever played was Skeletor in Masters of the Universe. So it rules and you should check it out. But as a kid, I was like, this stinks. So I was wrong at the time. I was a dumb kid.

What did I know? I rarely hate a movie. Sure. You're so hopped up on spicy coffee. Oh, I'm just... The experience of going to the movie itself if i see it live is already enough to make me like all right i but yeah rarely hate a movie i remember hating boys and girls sex changes everything more than anything i'd ever seen well what's that it's like a teen kind of rom-com sort of thing.

What year? I hated it. 2000s. I have no idea what the movie's about. I just remember despising it. Yeah, what's a movie I despise? That's a good. And then I hated The English Patient. Couldn't stand The English Patient for some reason.

Yeah. Like Elaine. Like Elaine on Seinfeld. Oh. She hated it. It was a great it was a great episode where she hates the english patient everybody else loves it i don't i i didn't ever watch seinfeld growing up because um it would have been like when i would still have been living with my family and my sister was uh secondhand embarrassed by seinfeld so much that

she couldn't watch a single episode she thought what what seinfeld was doing was embarrassing yeah i couldn't watch it watching them she like like head buried in her hand just cringing the whole time like i know you have to change the channel like we couldn't wow we weren't allowed yeah boys and girls sex changes everything is starts freddie prince jr Boys and Girls, Sex Changes Everything, stars Freddie Prinze Jr., Jason Biggs with Frosted Tips, and Claire Forlani. Yeah. And this comes out and you're thinking, oh, not another teen movie.

And so last time I checked, boys were on the side. And I'm riding in cars with them and we're ordering home fries these are all and we're having hope floats of them and I have to have 50 never been kissed first dates with these guys I watched a movie last night that i hated what it was the sequel to a movie called don't breathe

which was about a group uh three people who break into a house and a blind navy seal like turns the tables on them oh and it was really good it was really scary and the first one was the first one the second one i think the people who really scary and good action the first one, the second one I think the people who made it didn't watch the first one I feel like they didn't know what the first one was about except that there was a blind guy in it so it was really bad

I hated it, I mean, and I always say this as a disclaimer, it's better than any movie I could ever make people are writing people are like backspacing their emails right now. Well, why don't you try to make, I'll see if you can make a movie. Oh, no. Okay, he's got us there.

You've really covered yourself there, Graham. No movie can come for you. No, exactly. Yeah, I think the first movie in a movie theater that i was like i want to leave uh was that movie sucker punch which was about the the girls who are in like a strip club for girls it was a snyder right yeah and they like but when she does a sexy dance it like goes into a battle fantasy yeah that one was bad it was bad and i really hate to say that about a movie with more than one woman because yeah because you love the bechdel test i love the bechdel test

um but having having said that about sucker punch look i couldn't do any better there you go dave i think you could i think if you put your mind don't no don't give these people ammo wait have either of you ever written a screenplay yes you have yeah has it been made i've not not movies but uh podcasts sure i guess there's no screen in them but i mean your your phone screen the phone screenplay if you were to make a movie what genre would it be boy i don't like to adhere to any of the tropes of genres i'm sort of like oh i kind of i just want to like mix some kind of crazy like zombie cowboy western freaking uh i'm talking about like oh yeah maybe a madcap comedy but also like a caper and it's all like, um, Dave, please stop mimicking all of my ex boyfriends. You know,

who's actually really good. Rob zombie. Yeah. Um, yeah, I don't know. I guess I'd write a light comedy. Yeah. Something's got to write light comedy. Yeah, something's

got to give or lighter. That's something's got to give. Man, like, I could talk trash about it all day, but I love it. Is that the one with Here's Johnny, that guy? Yeah, that's the one where they go to the hotel.

No, I mean. And they have this shot. And at one point, Jack Nicholson breaks down the door and goes, something's got to give. And you're like, oh, that's where the title comes from. All work and no play makes something got to give. Yeah, it's Jack Nicholson and diane keen okay i'm first of all turning into my mom who cannot uh remember any celebrity's name i asked through a series of

cryptic questions what's the one with like steve martin and uh alec baldwin oh the one with yeah yeah and uh meryl streep yeah um i can't remember the name of it but i watched it also loved it the it's complicated that's i get those two confused all the time i loved something's got to give i think because it was like an age appropriate couple and like a man learning to be a little less gross i think yeah and like yeah that's right because he's a writer and he was always with like these younger women i think it was amanda pete was classic choice classic choice for a hot younger woman yeah yeah yeah and so you know but he finds that he's that he really gets along and has a good time with uh diana keaton i saw a woman the other day sorry wait dave i love that the moral is older women can also be okay no no that's now you're twisting my words there's no way i said that

graham i'm not twisting your words i'm critically analyzing the movie hey this older broad ain't half bad what has to give his preconceived notions of what women should be that's what has to give yeah that's complicated i saw a woman the other day and i was like oh oh, how the like, not Annette Bening, who were we just talking about? Diane Keaton. Yeah, the Diane Keaton fashion sense is like, oh, it's back.

Really imprinted on this woman. Yeah. I feel like it's like a bowler hat and turtleneck and like a blazer. Let me say nobody in Hollywood looks as good in a turtleneck as diane keaton there that's my stance i agree no hate mail for that you're gonna get pounds and pounds of adoring agreeing yeah yeah and by the way i couldn't even wear a turtleneck

she wears it better than I ever could. Exactly. It would get stuck halfway through my head. Yeah. I'd have to walk around like that. With that beard, Graham, I wonder, is a turtleneck even, like... Is it even an option? Can it be engineered around it?

I could wear a dickie. A dickie. Yeah. It would be, yeah, me wearing a turtleneck would be lost on the cast of Something's Gotta Give. Wouldn't even notice. Yeah. Boy. So that's me.

I watched a movie yesterday that I had already seen before. What's going on with you? Well, this past week until yesterday, I went to Winnipeg, Manitoba for the Winnipeg Comedy Festival. They did that again this year? They did. Yeah, no, they did it late last year and then, but it was a very small amount of time between festivals. Sure.

I misinterpreted that. I thought Dave was saying again to a yearly festival. I thought it was every four years like the Olympics. Really hard to sell tickets because everybody forgets what it is well except that you really gotta you know have someone bring a you know a marathon of of microphones someone hands off a microphone to someone else across that's right because around the five. And then hands it off to somebody else. But the whole time I was, I was the only dude walking around wearing a mask in the whole city of Winnipeg. Oh,

sure. Wearing a mask, wearing a mask, not hanging out, not going to any parties, nothing like that. And so far, eight cases of COVID have been spread around.

From the festival? Yeah. Of the comedians? Or, or, I don spread around. From the festival? Yep. Of the comedians? I don't know. I'm assuming comedians and well-wishers. Boy. Because they don't count cases here anymore. Do they still count cases where you are?

Yeah. Do they count them? I don't think so. Well, I stopped checking. I used to check every day i was all over it same same every single like a ritual every morning and i'd be like oh the numbers are not good today oh the numbers are better today yeah but then you do we would analyze it be like well that means cases from two weeks ago we're gonna see a bump soon from easter weekend holiday yeah

they test wastewater out here, though. Oh, yeah. That's pretty cool. They're not going to get any of mine. I'm holding it. Your wastewater is just fucking corn. They're like, we haven't found a lot of COVID, but we found an awful lot of corn. So somebody's eating two types of corn every day

that's actually low for him i'm like bubba gump of corn like yeah popcorn you got the corn nuts we got corn syrup no i'm not saying it I'm not saying it. I'm not saying it in a cocky way. I don't mean to be cocky. Like, I won't get it because I probably will get it as well. But I just thought for the one mask guy that didn't go to any parties or have any fun whatsoever. I just spent all my time in the hotel room.

I watched so many episodes of Dateline. Back to back to back. Oh man, oh man. Were they murders? Some of them were murders. There was one about a girls reform school where the guy was really mean. The guy that ran it was super mean. Just mean or a bad guy?

Oh, super bad. I'm a mean guy who runs a girls reform school. Duh. Duh. Yeah, so I'll get it eventually from this. It was the parting gift. Have you guys had it?

Have I asked you this? No. I haven't had it either. No one. We won't. We've never had anyone on the podcast with it we won't allow it yeah right you have to prove you have a clean we do an antibodies test we got to send us your wastewater just swirl it around. Looks gross.

So I did that. I watched so many episodes of Dayline. Who hosts Dayline these days? Is it still Stone Phillips and Jane Polly? No, it's not Stone. What's his name? He's like very old at this point. Keith Morrison?

Keith Morrison. Yeah. I remember probably like a decade ago, old at this point um keith morrison keith morrison yeah i remember morrison what you probably like a decade ago i watched a really incredible really hard to watch but really incredible dateline about uh the highway of tears which is horrible awful terrible um but i was out at a bar after maybe a day or two after and there was like a guy i was talking to who's kind of flirting with me i think um i think i don't want to be arrogant i think maybe yeah but we were like chatting and then he said where he was from and i think he said hundred mile house and i was like oh oh that's along the highway of tears and i just like dove in to talking about it and i like again no impulse control

so i was like how do you feel about your city being full of so much murder and he just stopped talking to me how do you feel about a town with so much murder yeah what is he supposed to be like? I'm fine with it. I don't know, Graham, but I think it's weird to not have an opinion. To be like, this conversation's over. Can he say, I'm against it and this conversation's over?

He could and he should. The old one-two punch. Hey, cool. Thanks for bringing it up uh i'm i've actually left that place thanks for the awesome reminder of how horrible it is i'm never going in this dating group ever again they don't do any screening whatsoever dating group yeah it's just lunch yeah that's right there was there was one that i had to do a comedy show in front of with uh past guest lachlan patterson who's a tall handsome and uh when i was up there nobody laughed at all and then when he went up there uproarious they all because they were like this is the guy we want and they all kind of flooded

they kind of thought they they forgot that their dating service didn't set them up with the comedian wait why did you have to perform in front of a bunch of people who all wanted to date each other yeah yeah so it's a group like oh that's sign up for this group and they're either like oh a bunch of singles let's take a bunch of singles give put them in, you know, send them on an event. Okay. And this week's event is a bad comedy show with Graham. This week's event, the worst thing in town. If anything, it'll galvanize you as a group.

I really am still the same bad guy i was in grade six oh lord should we move on to some overheards yeah okay hi my name is graham clark and i'm one half of the podcast stop podcasting yourself a show that we've recorded for many, many years. And at the moment, instead of being in person, we're recording remotely. And you wouldn't even notice. You don't even notice the lag. That's right, Graham.

And the great thing about this. Go ahead. No, you go ahead. Okay. Go ahead. about this go ahead no you go ahead okay and go ahead and you can listen to us uh every week on maximumfun.org or wherever you get your podcasts your podcasts did your neighbor back into your car bring that case to judge judy think the mailman might be the real father? Give that one to Judge Mathis. But does your mom want you to flush her ashes down the toilet at Disney World when she passes away? Now that's my jurisdiction.

Welcome to the court of Judge John Hodgman, where the people are real, the disputes are real, and the stakes are often unusual. If I got arrested for dumping your ashes in the Jungle Cruise, it would be an honor. I don't want to be part of somebody getting a super yacht. I don't know at what point you want to go into this, but we've had a worm bin before. Available free right now at MaximumFun.org. Judge John Hodgman. The court of last resort when your wife won't stop pretending to be a cat and knocking the clean laundry over overheard overheards if uh if you're somebody who travels far and wide or sticks closer to home maybe you hear something fun and uh we would love to hear about it you can send it to spy

at maximumfund.org we always like the guest to start us off nicole would you please i would um so mine is closer to home and i live right by like a elementary school with a daycare attached and there's like a walkway that's sort of like a common anyone can walk through but you're right by the school um so I was walking by there the other day and two kids were like, I'm naked. The first and then the other one was like, I'm naked too. And I obviously like in shock looked up, not naked, not naked at all. Not naked at all, thank God. But they're like maybe five, maybe even four years old but around

that age and they keep going back and forth like i'm naked i'm so naked and then uh there's a third kid that comes in and they're like you're naked and one of the first kids goes yeah we're both wearing t-shirts so we're naked and then the third kid goes oh well i'm naked too and then the three of them just cheered about all being naked but honestly like the heart attack i had was like, oh, my God, am I going to have to call the police? On myself? If I see these kids naked? Yeah. Kids.

God bless them. Yeah. Did you ever have like a word or something that you totally didn't know the meaning of when you were a kid, but you said it anyways? No. Oh, I definitely. Yeah. i was precocious but no i remember being very confused about the word virgin because it means like it's a thing you can call someone that means they haven't done something so it was like i kept getting it twisted in my mind. Right. So like in grade, you know, three,

be like, Hey, are you a virgin? Uh, no. Like, I don't want to be called anything. And then people laugh at me. Oh,

you're not a virgin. It's not, it's not quite the same, but I didn't know how to pronounce the Greek character. Aeneas, like the name. Um, so I didn't because I'd only ever read it. And in high school, I had to read out loud, like as a probably 16 year old.

So I was like the hero, Anus. And some stupid Dave type person to class read a full laugh. I'm like, ah, Anus. The hero, Anus. Yeah, my hero. person to class read a full laugh anus the hero anus yeah my hero was it the hero's anus yeah I bet I could fit a full hero up my anus

I knew I was saying it wrong but I like didn't know how to say it so I on the fly had to be like anus and I just kept digging myself deeper and deeper uh butthole man i mean i mean ass man i mean i mean white butthole yeah yeah uh no i mean home of the farts i mean where poop live. Our hero, Anus, home of the farts, where poop live, was flying across ancient Greece on his big butthole motorcycle.

Yeah, reading out loud in class, that was a death sentence. A nightmare. It makes you forget how to read like a nightmare it makes you forget how to read yeah it makes you forget how to read and pronounce things you just start like wildly like be cows oh teacher can you can we read the most boring thing in the world out loud like so the kids everyone listening won't pay attention to what's being said they'll just try to yeah the only thing you're learning there is how to embarrass yourself or others really yeah yeah nobody got good at public speaking from having to read shakespeare that's true and and it probably chased a lot of people out of any kind of public speaking like maybe they thought they could do it but then yeah high school taught them otherwise yeah yeah what were

we supposed to get out of hearing our classmate read something yeah i don't know i i guess correcting them but yeah hell did hell by the way did your teacher ever step in to be like no no at the end she's right it's anus at the end she was like it's an eos but she was also our english lit teacher who drank boozy coffees every class and used to smack one boy across his head lightly lightly lightly not hard enough to ever get in trouble but she would smack. And we always suspected it was boozy coffee, but we could never confirm it until one day when I was wearing sandals and she spilled her coffee on my foot. So we all like gathered around my foot to smell it.

It was Kahlua. I remember that was like everyone's like this shit stinks what the fuck it smells like paint oh my god she's drinking athlete's foot powder she's been drinking tough actin tenactin um i uh i remember in high school it was like any teacher who had a mug of anything it was like

suspicious you know he's drinking booze yeah he's drinking wine every day like not knowing what any booze is yeah he's drinking merlot out of a portable coffee mug you just help find that it helps the time uh go by just re-pouring a chablis from their desk drawer oh boy uh dave do you have an overheard i guess this is an overseen uh i mentioned a couple weeks ago that i have the next door app oh yeah which is where people go and complain about things in the neighborhood and cars getting broken into and bikes being stolen and it's a lot of uh clutching of pearls um and there's a lot of seems like a lot of old people who just like will fully introduce themselves hey i live i live on this

street and this is my address and i don't like the way that these kids are walking down the street with their baggy pants um but there this person wrote some uh and it's it this is just to preface this it seems very much like what you know busy body old ladies would write on the internet someone wrote this long post about how two shady addicts opened my friend's door because they forgot to lock when carrying heavy groceries to a house dinner party um one guy had a syringe in his hand and was shooting up and then uh as they walked through a door yeah i don't know and then so there were two comments on it the first comment thanks for posting what's become of our neighborhoods and the other comment was i'm having trouble resetting my password please help Thanks for posting. What's become of our neighborhoods? And the other comment was,

I'm having trouble resetting my password. Please help. Just that thing of like an old lady thinking you can just type this, get help anywhere. Now, I have a question about this app. Do you, is there any criteria to joining except for your postal code or do you have to like i know the terms or it just you just put in your postal code and it finds the group oh i think you put in your full address and your real name and then

because you don't realize you don't have to you can just make up a name and address oh right yes yeah i put an address nearby and a fake name and um but i uh yeah so uh you know i i don't know why i'm still on it i don't like any of the information it gives me right except like sometimes it's like free free thing. Come get a free thing. Yeah, that's helpful. That's a good reason to be on an app for sure. If I was on it last week, I would post that I thought someone's dog had gotten out. So I approached it to try to put it back inside the house next door to me because their dog always gets out. And then I was like, oh, that's not the same breed of the dog. And then I went, oh, that's a coyote.

Um, so. Is someone's coyote loose? Did someone lose a coyote? I need to get him inside just for a little bit. I really, in classic, like white woman form,

I was like four feet away from it being like, come here. Before realizing it was a coyote. Um, now speaking of free things, that couch you're sitting on looks very much like it was acquired in one of these uh it's beautiful that's so rude no i mean i guess it is it's not rude. I guess it is rude. It's beautiful! No, it is vintage. Was it free? It was not free.

Absolutely not. Nor was this painting of a poodle. Oh, that's nice. No one is accusing that of being free. But that was free. That needle point. But it was my grandma's. It was my grandma's. So is that really free? It doesn't count grandma's not gonna make you pay no um no dave i spent good money on this couch i know it looks good it doesn't think you

could have still yeah you know what those two statements don't align you can't tell someone it looks like they're sitting on free garbage and then okay i guess uh and it's by the way oh by the way by the way i could never make a couch that good i'm not i'm not saying i could make a couch that good don't jump down my throat and also anyone out there sitting on a free couch right now just just know which one of us thinks that's garbage. Wow. Wow. Just for anybody watching, it's like a floral, like white.

You know what? We just had a party last week and everybody who came over said, wow, what a nice couch. There you go. There were a lot of people over. Okay. Well, I guess the pandemic is over. how many cases of wasn't my party it wasn't my party it was my roommate chris wilson's and i hid about an hour into the party your roommates with chris wilson yeah yeah that guy's got such a good couch he has a very different couch this is my couch this is my living room you guys have

different couches yes we live in a four-floor house so we don't like how many roommates three of us so each of us has a floor four-floor house yeesh and then skyscrapers yeah yeah there's one shared floor but i don't really like do we know the third roommate? Roger Bainbridge. Another comedian. I know the name. Yeah. He's my fake name on Nextdoor. We have three bathrooms and then we have two kitchens.

So I don't share anything with them. Wow. Nice. So, yeah, you went to a party at his. No, it was his party in my home, but it was his party because I don't I don't party. So I I made a bowl of spaghetti. I hung out for a hot dog day and then I hid in my room on my couch. Actually, my living room on my couch.

Which but other people also saw your couch yeah the party seemed to have spilled up there yeah yeah so this is kind of i'm just i'm having trouble keeping the details straight it's on me i'm stupid i can't even build a couch dave i just let people come and have a little tour i had i let them have a little tour is what happened. Okay? So the first taste is free. Wow, Dave, I missed this. I missed this antagonism, Dave.

This is what people tune in for. My yearly dose of being bullied. Come on, man. Who's being bullied, man? Come on, man. Who can say who's being bullied? I think it's me. You called my couch free.

And you're hassling me about a party I didn't plan. Maybe you should have planned it a little better. Keep people away. Oh my God. Graham, do you have an overheard? Have we done that? Are we still doing my stupid thing? Still on mine?

Yeah. Yours was a next door thing. Yeah. There was when I was flying back from winnipeg there were two guys who couldn't have been more like bob and doug mckenzie hosers yeah a couple of hosers and there was one guy who was doing all the talking and the other guy the only thing he said the whole time was oh yeah that was his answer to every single sentence the guy said oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah so just he was like groot he was like groot but canadian groot um so yeah that's what i heard is the guy who only had that phrase if they remade uh strange brew today and they called each other hosers

do you think they would have a cameo by hosier i was just thinking that would they have a cameo by hosier well you know what yeah he's a get yeah yeah take me to church there's like a weird online thing of people who are like obsessed with hosier um in like a very sexual parasocial way but wasn't he wasn't that song's pretty sexual right sounds very sexual yeah yeah but like he's acting like doing it is going to church yeah that's right yeah i can't remember where I saw like a kid band singing that song, but on TV or maybe anyways. On the latest Kidz Bop?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, the Kidz Bop. Oh, my God. Take me to church. Take me to church. I worship like a dog and the shrine of your wife. That's what it sounded like. This song's actually naughty.

It's not about choice at all. Now we also have overheard sent in to us from people all over the globe. If you want to send one in, it's spy at maximumfun.org. I'm not saying it looks cheap. I'm just saying it's the kind of couch that looks like it maybe has been around, like I had a few owners. Yeah, it's vintage and I paid good money for it, Dave.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because I'm very particular. No, no, no, no, no. And I don't believe in buying new furniture. No, no, no, no, no no no no no because i know that like a person's solo carbon footprint isn't more important than getting at the old corporations but i still think individual choices to be better dave no no no no no, I didn't say that. I just said it looks like you paid no money for it.

It looks like a $0. I didn't want it anymore and left it on the street. It looks like you carried it home from a corner. Yeah. Put it upside down. I want to see if it looks dragged when it was dragged anyway put it upside down yeah oh boy i also want to test your couch's waist i will not be judged by a man measuring whether or not he will get diarrhea from a chocolate bar i never said i got diarrhea i got into that it was into that no stomach pain it's just stomach pain you know what

we're out of the woods so i'm gonna open up the next bar bar alright now we have overheards from all over the other day I had a few squares of it and a bunch of dried mango and I got in my car and I drove and I thought I was going to crash this first one comes from Jacob G from Alpena, Michigan haven't overheard, happened many

moons ago he was at the local coffee roasting company in northern Michigan an elegantly dressed woman came in and asked the owner what roast of coffee he recommended as a gift for someone you don't really like he recommended the French roast so there you go oh sure yeah they got they've they've got a

criteria for everything yeah i get a little more more nutty more citrusy do you dislike the person who's gonna drink it you just dislike them do you hate them do you find them grating you find this do you think coffee's like a good like housewarming present but you don't like their house or their couch yeah yeah what's the roast for someone whose couch you don't like i like it i do like it mom i said i did like it I just said that it looked free. Graham, Graham, back me up, man. Mom, I didn't say it was ugly. I just said it looked like no one else wanted it anymore.

Maybe someone wanted it, but you were lucky enough to get it for free. It looks like they upgraded, this is old aged out trash. Oh, everyone wants it. Oh, I'm getting a new couch and everyone wants the old couch, but I'm going to give it to Nicole because she's special to me. Oh my God. Oh God. Here it goes.

Just stop. This next one comes from Cormac from Philadelphia. My boss brought his four-year-old daughter to work today. She sat at his desk with him, and everyone said hi to her. After she had left for the day, my boss told me she said, Daddy, I met so many people today. I don't know if I can remember all their names. Can you write them down for me? And my boss said, of course.

My boss looked at me and said, she doesn't know how to read. So... Yeah, I'll write down these things. Yeah, she'll be able to read it in the future and really cherish the memories. It's in a keepsake box until she's 18. That's right. It's a time capsule. Did you ever go to your parents' work when you were a kid?

Yeah, I did. Uh, yeah. On the, I think on the weekend when like my dad had to go pick something up or something like that. I was fascinated. I was fascinated by the idea of an office.

I had no idea what it was. Your dad was a geologist. So you would go, I have to go pick up a rock. Yeah. We'd have to go to up a rock yeah we'd have to go to the local uh site to dust off some bones yeah yeah measure sediment yeah i definitely remember the vibe being like don't touch anything don't ruin it like feeling like i could like if i

touch anything i'll knock over the entire office like a domino. I remember as like a young, young kid going with my mom to her office where she was like a receptionist for an author, I think, or she was helping him with something. And he wrote this book called Griffin and Sabine, which is like pretty interesting local BC artist. But I remember him being a complete freak. No offense. If that comes across as slander, not like a freak in a,

in a mean way or bad way, but just like the weirdest person I'd ever met. Okay. Well, I guess we have to cancel next week's guest. Griffin and Sabine. I was hoping that you would say it again because I was like Gryffindor

Supreme Gryffindor Supreme that's uh that's like the pizza you get at Hogwarts it's got you know sausages yeah pulled the muggles I say

wow thank you this last one comes from Mike in Vancouver I was walking past two bros and one was saying to the other so I told him my dad wears cowboy boots and he's a cool guy I mean

that's uh oh no one cool wears cowboy boots au contraire yeah the rock in standing tall he probably wore them he wore them past that gas station

is that yeah that's right sight of laughing do you station. Yeah, that's right. Sight of. Did you ever own cowboy boots, Graham? Yes. As a Calgarian? As a Calgarian, absolutely. I had cowboy boots when I was younger. Yeah, like everybody had a pair. Everybody I know had a pair.

And you would wear them one week out of the year, go to these pancake breakfasts, and go to the... Stampede? Yeah, Stampede. Yeah, yeah. Which is just... Back, like, now I think it's less so,

but back then it was just every company had so much money that they would throw these, like, insane giant parties that, like, you know, they'd rent out bar for these for the evening and it was free drinks for everybody. And those days are gone. Did you own cowboy boots? Did you have a big belt buckle? Yeah.

I had a belt buckle. Did you have a hat? I don't. I, yeah, probably did. Like I had one of those like wicker kind of, uh,

woven cowboy hat. Nothing solid, not, not a duster, you know, you know just uh it's not a stetson i didn't have a stetson oh sure you didn't have a big long leather duster that's right i didn't have a bandolier i didn't have uh i didn't have two cents to rope together i didn't have a hay penny well god bless you in addition to overheards that are written and we also accept your phone calls if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one spypaw one like these people have motorcycle dave's our premier beatboxer

you can make any sound you name a sound um garbage truck okay blender my dad's sleeping oh okay i thought you were gonna sound like the other two yeah there we go he could do any sound poorly shots fired okay well that was bullying from me that's true but what you need to do is say look i can't even make any sound yeah i'm not saying i could make anything i could make a better sound because i can't make any sound michael i'm no michael winslow i don't know how to make any frames the original

bully for bullying a movie that like i couldn't make the illusion i couldn't make a movie better than uh i don't even remember what it was don't breathe too don't breathe here we go. Phone calls. Hi, Dave Graham, Impossible Guest. This is Kate calling with an overheard. I was walking by a restaurant and there was a man and a woman sitting together eating on the patio. And as I walked by, the man said

to the woman, Yeah, all the women around here that I've dated have, at one time or another, been stupid off I go bye oh wow I mean if they're all

dating that person then yeah what's the commonality there what's the common denominator here buddy that's pretty good oops sorry I shouldn't use the word denominator women are stupid buddy that's pretty good sorry i shouldn't use the word denominator happy denominator mr president that's what your voice sounded like yeah you. Happy prime number to you. Happy lowest

common denominator. Mr. Guy at a restaurant. Happy commonality to you. I was expecting more math words. I don't know anymore.

Happy sign, cosine. I got one. I got one. Integer. Integer. Yeah. Nice. Good one.

Yeah. That is a good math word. Fractal. Is that something? I feel like that's from advanced math. Fractal. Yeah. Where one TV.

Isosceles. Hithyrian theorem. Nice. Which is. All right. Yeah. It's a big one. Subtraction.

Hi. I was just in an Uber. So this is an overheard. I was just in an Uber and the guy got a text message. Like my Uber driver got a text message and he didn't want to, you know, read his text while driving. So I guess he had his Alexa read it out loud. And it was, hey, I'm waiting for you at home naked in bed. And Alexa was just like, would you like to respond to this text? And he just like, no, no. And it was really awkward.

Okay, bye. She's like, can I answer it for you? Hi, I'm waiting for you at home in bed. Naked. Would you like to respond? That's what I feel like. Yeah, I'm imagining the like tiktok voice hi my gaping butthole is running oh the tiktok voice i feel like i can the hero anus

hi i'm waiting for you at home naked in bed would you like to respond that's what I feel like it sounds like that's pretty good my vagina quivers for you and only you come home daddy do you just say I'm sorry I heard

Graham say I'm frothing at the gash and that Ken is always sad I couldn't even at the gash. That's right. And that can't be what he said. And just for anyone writing in. We couldn't stop it. I couldn't even have a gash. I couldn't even have one. So frothy or no, I wouldn't even do it.

Stop it. Not that kind of show. I'm frothing at the gash so hard. I need you. Did you say I'm shopping at the Gap so hard. I need you. Did you say I'm shopping at the Gap? Yeah, did you say? I'm stopping at the gas station where they filmed Walking Tall. I'm sorry.

I didn't get that. Did you say? I'm squashing all the. Dave, were you in the car with me and charlie when he couldn't get yeah alexa to work well it was when it was like literally the first model of the phone of iphones that had siri yes and i i had i like you could program it in to be like you know call my wife well you can program it to say like oh my wife is abby and so it now knows if i say call my wife it means call abby uh and so charlie was trying to get the phone to recognize that

kara is my wife it was like did you say karate is my life. Is that how you remember it, Graham? Yes, exactly. Yeah, karate is my life. Here's your final phone call. Hello, Dave. Hello, Graham. Hello, the pulchritudinous guest. This is Eli in Bowling Green, Ohio.

It's the week after classes, and overseems and overheards are abound. I was walking home, and there was this couple, younger couple, teenage couple, that were just kind of walking the opposite direction. And I heard the guy say, you want to make out on the dumpster couch? And his partner thought about it for a second and went, yeah. Off I go. That hit a little too close to home, Nicole?

No, my audio's being bad, that's why. Oh. They were talking about a dumpster couch. Oh, fuck you! I didn't even hear it i was so distracted by the audio oh god wow well you guys got some chemistry i love it chemistry yeah yeah we we got chemistry we we got the chemical. Oh, sure. Are we going to do chemistry words?

Chemical formula for I'd like to burn you alive. No, I can't. Yeah. You know, I'm talking about, you know, a solution. I'm talking about Dmitry Mendeleev. You know what? Truly, like my, I was just fixing audio issues. So I missed that whole overheard.

So I just got burned without even having the preparation to fight back. Well, when I get burned, the only preparation I need, H. Because I got burned on my hammer. Okay. All right. Dumpster couch, you say? That was about a dumpster i didn't say anything look for let me just say this i couldn't even build a dumpster that's right i don't even know the plans for a dumpster so there maybe i could 3d print one 3d print a dumpster 3d print a dumpster you 3d printed little one and throw it in a big one can you can you 3d print really big things

um boy that's a genuine question it might sound not but like i wonder if like it's one big unit like you could probably oh you could print all the parts. Yeah. Something, but I don't know. I don't know anything about that. Nope. Me neither. Me neither.

And I refuse to learn. And don't no one. I don't want to know. I don't know it. I don't need to know it. But I'm pretty sure I hate it. I don't. I don't like it.

We're all Lucille bluth uh i don't understand it and i don't like it well that brings us to the end of this here episode nicole thank you so much for being our guest it's always such a treat to have you thanks for having me and uh each and every week you do a show in toronto at comedy bar what is the show tell us called nice time it is a weekly show every wednesday at 8 p.m in toronto at comedy bar west there's two now um yeah it's with what street is that one it's on blur ah the classic it's it's the original the new ones in scarborough basically oh okay bit of a ways um yeah that's where the bare naked ladies are from oh wow fun little music fact for you neat uh anyway thanks for interrupting me for a bare naked lady that's my favorite song of theirs my god my favorite song of theirs is the old apartment that's where they reference the danforth

i like the brian wilson song yeah i was gonna say brian wilson it's a good one this is my second fave downtown in the rain yeah pretty good dave drill downtown in the ring um anyway come check out nice time every wednesday at comedy bar it also features the incredible mark little and dan burn and a bunch of amazing guests and will you be holding uh hosting another party at your place or is that out of the question do you remember years ago when i was on the podcast and you guys kept yelling at me just not say my address because we were having a party on 18th i kept saying half the address and you were genuinely scared for me what was the address it was i don't want to wait do you know what does anyone live there now well i think ian

boothby might live there who well i think ian boothby might live there who is another okay what's the address should i say no i shouldn't know that i'm texting him yeah i believe i'll believe it um i'll just say that it was something street well 18th. You already know. Oh, shit. I'm dumb. Anyway, no, I will not. I don't plan parties. And if you invite me to one, I'll show up for a minute and then I will run away.

Yeah. Show up with a big plate of you know what? Is it hot dog day? I smell spaghetti uh well thank you again thank you out there all you listeners uh you know what take advantage of the springtime go out there make yourself some flowers come on back next week for another episode or stop podcasting yourself.