Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 76 - Lachlan Patterson

Episode Date: August 18, 2009

Comedian Lachlan Patterson joins us to talk bumper stickers, camping, and idiot savants.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 76 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is the sweatiest man in podcasting, Mr. Dave Schumke. I'm certain I'm not the sweatiest man in podcasting. I'm very sweaty. It's hyperhidrosis.

Hyperhidrosis. It's self-diagnosed. I'm self-taught and self-diagnosed. Yeah, great. Doing great. Glad to have you here. And joining us today on the podcast, a very funny man, originally hailing from Vancouver, B.C., now makes his home in Los Angeles, and is up here this week, and we were able to get him on the podcast. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Lachlan Patterson.

You're welcome, man. Thanks. podcast. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Lachlan Patterson. You're welcome, man. You're originally from here, but you've been down in L.A. What's the total amount of time? Probably nine years, maybe ten. Nine or ten.

Wow. Yeah, so you are well, you know all the machinery of the Hollywood scene in L.A. and all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not at all. The one thing I've learned from being down there now is that it's, everyone says it's unfair, but I say it's been consistently unfair since the beginning. Oh, okay. So nothing should surprise you. Right. Nothing surprises me.

Is that a kettle? That's just a computer. Oh. Is that a computer? That's the new... It's a kettle. It's a computer. It's a new app.

Do you want to get to know us? Yes. Get to know us. to know us yes um so uh you you uh work predominantly in the stand-up field yes you do some auditions things like that are you do you act as well would you consider yourself an actor i audition yeah i get to drop off headshots that's fun bet. It's not fun. I had an audition for Chevy's Fresh Mex commercial. I don't know what that is.

It's like a Rubio's or an Outback Steakhouse. Okay, Outback Steakhouse. Alright. And I don't have a lot of energy. But anyway. Today or in general? In general. And today. Anyway, so when I go out for these things, I know I'm not getting them.

But anyway, there was a comedian in the room. And I had done one of his shows. Kind of a modest show, if you will. Right. But I had agreed to do it. And I think there was a couple other... I didn't recognize any of the names on the show. Right, right, right.

So then I saw him at the audition, and he said, Hey, this is actually... I was about to go in. So one thing I've learned to do at these auditions, I take them a lot more seriously. So when I get into the audition room, and you're surrounded by a bunch of guys auditioning with you, first thing I do is I leave that room. I get all the, hey, how you doing? Yeah, I saw you at the last audition. How'd that go?

Did you get that? Schmoozy schmooze. Yeah, and then I find out when I'm on and then I get the hell out of that room and I stand in the hallway or whatever and this guy walks right past me as I say hi. Wow. He just totally snubbed me and I was like, all right.

Was he super focused? He was focused, I guess. He was nothing. And then... Was it Wesley Snipes? You guys go up for the same roles? Yes. And I got it.

I got the role. I beat him out. It was Blade IV. They're going to go a different way this time. You had to get that crazy haircut. They're going to go a different way this time You had to get that crazy haircut They're going a different way So anyway I felt snubbed but I didn't care

I'm focused and then he walks in the hallway In the middle of my focus he goes Hey you're Lachlan right And I was like yeah And he goes I said hey you snubbed me And he goes what and I said you walked right past me And he goes ah sorry man Whatever

And then he goes hey I? And I said, you walked right past me. And he goes, ah, sorry, man. I was, whatever. And then he goes, hey, I was driving down Melrose, and I saw your name on the sign at the improv that you were headlining there. And he was the one who booked that modest show. Right. So I'm trying to give you the reason, I guess. So anyways, I said, yeah. And he goes, yeah. I remember thinking, wow, Lachlan Patterson's headlining that show and i was like yeah i didn't know what to do with the

old deal what where we were going but i'm ready for my chevy's tex max audition i'm not really thinking about it you're thinking about jalapeno poppers exactly they make the guacamole right at your table wow no they don't that's one of the lines I had to say. It's not like sushi. They did. They cut up the avocado. It's a soup restaurant. We make soup at your table for hours. It's very hot.

So all I'm thinking about is my audition. This guy is doing this little, he's working his way up the ladder of a conversation, I guess. Don't know where he's going. And he goes, so, did the fact that you're Canadian help at all with that? With your Mexican restaurant?

No, we're back to the sign on the improv. We saw your name at the improv. Did the fact that you're Canadian help with that? And all I'm thinking about is they make the flour tortillas in the restaurant. In-house.

In casa. So I didn't see what he was trying to do and I said, what do you mean? What do you mean by that? And he goes, oh, nothing. Nothing. And now it's in my head and literally right as he says, Oh, nothing. Nothing. And now it's in my head. And literally

right as he says, Oh, nothing, the door opens and goes, Lachlan, come on in. And he closes. And I'm still in the head of, What the hell was that guy? He was psyching me out, Graham. That's so crazy. Was it Kobe? It was Kobe. Kobe was trying to psych me out

because he wanted to be in blade for the tex-mex restaurant so that's a funny thing that he asked he's like that being canadian like is there a canadian media conspiracy yeah suddenly oh you're canadian wow get up your headline and your quotas need to be filled affirmative Affirmative action. And obviously, as soon as I got out and I was driving, I'm like, I know what he meant. He meant, how come I'm not doing that? We did the exact same show together. Why am I not headlining that show? The only difference is that Lachlan's Canadian.

What's the reason? It couldn't be that I'm not as good as him or that I haven't been doing it as long as him. What's the reason? It couldn't be that I'm not as good as him or that I haven't been doing it as long as him. I like the idea that there might be, in Los Angeles, a conspiracy of, you know, like... Seven Canadian bankers controlling the economy. Yeah, exactly. Like, somehow, Canada, if you're Canadian, that you're in on the conspiracy. You've got keys to the kingdom.

There's definitely this air of, there's a lot of funny Canadians. That's what people in the States think. And they don't think that there's... Dan Aykroyd. That's one. One, yeah. Entrepreneur as well. I mean, there's a lot of funny everybody.

I don't really think... You know, like, it just so happens that we definitely mention we're Canadian a lot when we go down there. And I think that's why... You wear the backpack. Yeah... You wear the backpack. Yeah. You wear the backpack. Even when it's inappropriate to do so. On stage.

At a funeral. You stand for the other national anthem. Everyone else is sitting. You're like, no, this is O'Canada. Why don't they have national anthems at comedy shows? Instead of playing Black Betty. Ram Jam. I don't...

I'm not sure... What is your take on it in terms of stand-up clubs? The music that they play at the beginning, when they play... Because not all stand-up clubs do it, but it feels like it's the only time I ever see it where they play a real fast-paced either rock song or... Back in Black, yeah.

Yeah, before the comedy show, and it almost never gels with what comes out on the stage. You're playing a Back in Black, and then it's a guy comes out in khakis and a t-shirt. And the music stops, and he goes... Back in Khak! All right. Yeah, I hate people.

I mean, you should play the music that is for you. It matches your set. Would that work? Like if they said, okay, what do you want? You're emceeing for the night. What do you want as your emcee intro song? Do you think that that would work at a club? Do you think if every time it was a show, every weekend, it would be a different, you know, like say... Bring in a CD.

Yeah, or, you know, they've got a... they can download it and then... Email it to them, yeah. Yeah. I think I'm going to do... I might try this Oh Canada thing. Like get everybody up on their feet? You just, ladies and gentlemen, Lockham Patterson and then Oh Canada. I don't care if they're on their feet. I mean, I'd like that.

Oh, it'd be nice, but... Remove your hats. What if you come out and you just stand, like, would you stand until the entire anthem is done and then start your act? It might be fun to keep standing until the DJ gets really uncomfortable and doesn't know what to do.

Yeah. And just make him decide. I remember... Yeah, and then if he switches it off, give him a real, like, real, you know, serious kind of questionable... Yeah, that was the

best part, buddy. Like, do you not know how an anthem works? Would you do the instrumental or... I'd probably go da-da-da-da. You know that part

where he goes, we stand on guard for thee. Da-da-da-da. I'd probably do the da-da-da-da. Would you mouth the words along with it? I mean, you're going to have to try it a bunch of different ways

to see which way works the best. I would like to just stare at the DJ and just see how long, because when you get on stage, the music's playing, and then you just don't know when to tell them to stop. Yeah, see, is that a thing in the American clubs? Do they play music every time somebody comes to stage? Is that like a standard thing? Like when they bring you on, say, as a headliner,

and the emcee would say, okay, welcome, Lachlan Patterson, would they strike up music while you're walking to the mic? Sometimes. Ooh, I like it. Me too. I like it when that happens. Me too. Good flow.

And sometimes they'll ask you What song you want And I'll say You know Like I'll say Beck Loser Is a Like

I always say Yeah that's a good one But I think Oh Canada This might be something good A lot of Most people have it On their iPod already

What if you looked At somebody's iPod And it was all Just national anthems From around the world That would be great That would be just That would be Or it was just the same anthems from around the world. Or it was just the same song the whole time.

You know, like, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Like, that. Psycho. And you travel quite a bit for your stand-up. Yes, you're all over the states. I know you work in a lot of colleges. Yeah, I did do a lot of colleges. It slowed down, but maybe it'll speed up again. You were telling me, because I went down,

I visited you in LA like a year and a half ago or something. Yeah, that's right, dude. And you had just played a college that was the entire campus, or maybe even the entire county was a dry. Yeah. And so there was no... Yeah. I mean, they're all... You couldn't drink.

There's no drinking at all on the campuses for the most part. Which is crazy. On the whole campus? Yeah. But what if the... Yeah. Oh, you'll be like... You'll be doing like Mount St. Mary's Catholic College.

Okay. That makes more sense. I've had one. I wish I... I'm sure I kept it, but all the kids had to fill out a sheet while I was performing. Wow. Did I tell you this? No.

And on the sheet it said, did this performance bring you closer to God and stuff like that? Did this provide you with some sort of... Well, that's... You are holier than thou on stage. I try to preach the word of our Lord. Do you have any material you have to change? Like, any drinking stuff? Oh, I can't do...

They don't laugh at it. I mean, you can do it. They don't get it. They just won't laugh at it. Oh, because they'll just be like... It's like if you went to... In the city and you just talked about milking cows the whole time. So there are...

The students at these colleges, they're not like pranksters who break all the rules? No, it's nothing like the movies. Wow. These kids are nervous. They don't laugh out loud because they're not comfortable in their skin yet. They're afraid of the sun. They're totally afraid of everything. They're afraid to talk to you.

And it's always awkward. It's awkward from the moment you walk in and the moment you receive a check from a 17-year-old. Oh, yeah, because of course it's like whoever's in charge of the students. It's all the awkward kids in charge of the student body. Absolutely. That's really funny. The student council activities board is the most awkward kids.

And one time I remember I didn't eat. I had traveled all the way to like, it was like Penn State or something. I didn't eat. And I got off the plane. And then I raced to the gig. And I got to the gig. And I was so hungry. But I don't eat an hour before the show. And it was in that little area, that window that I couldn't eat.

So I went out, and I performed. And then, you know, they're mediocre. You don't crush at shows where there's 17-year-olds who are afraid to laugh out loud. And you can't tell. Like, there's no room for relationship jokes. No relationship jokes. No traveling jokes Yeah cause of course

No my car My car sucks Right Yeah you don't have that No hotel So like what are you talking about Are you talking about Video games exclusively

Dry humping Well I guess not even Dry humping Yeah you can't What did you say Hallmark Yeah Yeah

Yeah Yeah I mean And I remember after the show, I wanted food, and they're like, we got pizza upstairs. We got pizza for you. We got pizza. I was like, all right, great. The devil's food. Yeah, the devil's food. We're not supposed to have it

on campus. So we walked upstairs, and we walked in, and the door opened, and there's like 25 kids in a line, like a hall line, like Teen Wolf. You know how they just line the way? And they just start with the... Oh, weird.

The slow clap. Yeah, the slow clap. And the pizza was at the end of the line. You had to walk. I had to walk the line for my pizza. I had to earn it. It was so awkward. One of us.

So weird. It was pretty weird. You say you don't eat an hour before the show. Do you have any other rules? Either? Anyone? Oh, what? Rules for stand-up?

Yeah. We've never talked about your routine, your regimen. This is just my own thing is i don't like to go on stage if if my lips are at all chapped really yeah okay that's a good one i don't know why it just it's a thing like it's just some weird thing a weird habit i picked up in my first year of stand-up and now i just chapped lips and stand-up Company do not go together. Yeah, they don't work for me. I have two. I brush my teeth before every show. You gotta.

And always wear a collared shirt. Always wear a collared shirt? Collared shirt, yes. You've never worn a t-shirt? Wow. That's interesting. When do you get caught? Like, it's just Tuesday and you weren't going to go up.

Oh, I'm always prepared. And I don't really wear t-shirts. Okay. Well, there's the answer. You just don't going to go up. Oh, I'm always prepared. And I don't really wear t-shirts. Okay, well there's the answer. You just don't like t-shirts. Well, you know, you gotta put your best foot forward. That's true. What is your best foot? It's a collar.

I wear spats. So do you have anything else? It's a collar for your foot. Do you have any other rules aside from the hour thing? A lot of comics do that, though. That's a very common one. I've never heard that before. Comics that won't eat just before a set

because there's nervousness and you're not going to enjoy the food. You don't want to be slow, lethargic. Yeah. Like, yeah, you don't want to be digesting while you're on stage. Yeah, that makes sense. I never take time out of my day to digest. Well, when you're on stage and you're doing an hour and these are children,

you want to be in their face, energetic. If you're stuffed with pasta, you don't want to say to yourself... If you ate a pasta bread bowl, that might slow them down. The guacamole they made at your table. The good thing about college is...

I still don't see how that's a sales angle. Dude, I've seen it done. Do they do it in a... They do it in a wooden bowl. Oh, okay. What's a mortar and pestle? Oh, yeah, mortar and pestle.

Hey, did you know that there's a chef named Lachlan Patterson? I do. I know this. I was watching Top Chef Masters, and he was on. What are the odds of that? Probably pretty low. That's not a super common name. No, and we've never spoken, but I would like to meet him.

Is he in the States as well? He lives in Colorado. So there's a chance, there's an outside chance that you may be doing a gig up there. He may also be in town. See your name on a marquee. And you have as many Michelin stars as he does. I might have screwed it up, though. Why did you call him out on the air?

I called him out. I'm superior to that lot of people. As a joke in a phone interview, I said, it was like the Highlander where there can only be one. Right. And I had to find him and kill him. And it was a joke. Right. He has a restraining order against you.

And then I think I said, I'm just kidding. And I'm sure he's a nice guy. And I'm sure I followed up with that. But in the article, they left that out. And when you Googled it, I went to Google it. You know how Google will show you the first three lines or the first sentence of an article? Whatever you're going to read. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And the sentence said, Lockham Patterson, and then when I find that other Lockham Patterson, I'm going to kill him. Zero context at all. If he ever Googled himself, that's all he would read. Maybe he thought he said it.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah, maybe he thought that he was talking about you. Maybe I was misquoted. Yeah. That would be a nice thought. Maybe I was misquoted. Yeah. That would be a nice thought, but I don't think so. Anyway, I would like to meet him. Dave, what's going on with you, buddy? What's new and exciting in the world of Dave Schumke?

Well, last weekend, I went away to one of the islands around our province. Which one? Gabriola Island. Gabriola Island. Gay. Gabriola Island. Come on. We're very inclusive. I bet you are.

I went to... We went with Abby. Her parents have a place. My girlfriend, Abby, went to... Was also her own person. Great. Her parents have a place on Gabriola, and it's a great place.

So describe to me, what is, because most of our listeners, including myself, never been to Gabriola. No, but it's like a hippie. It's like a hippie dippy, both hippie and dippy. It's super duper and hippie dippy. I hate those dippies. Have you been to Gabriel Island? My family lives on Pender Island, which is probably similar.

I'm sure they're all... I know that most of the islands off of the coast of BC are largely hippy inhabited. Are your parents hippies? No, but the island is. So hippy. Do they have kind of a Derm and Greg relationship with the island?

You know, I have no idea what my parents... My friends say they smoke weed, and I don't believe it for a second, but it is adding up. So wait, so you think that your parents... In your mind, your parents are straight-laced? Yes. But you have conflicting reports that maybe they are some sort of flower children? Well, the evidence points elsewhere, definitely. I don't believe it.

I don't believe it for a second. So, Gabriela. Yeah, Gabriela. It's a long journey to get there. I love being there. I hate going there. What is it, like 10 hours how many ferries it's two ferries uh you got to go through nanaimo so you go horseshoe bay you go horseshoe

bay nanaimo yeah yeah and then nanaimo gabriela uh and then uh and it's a great place i don't really like i don't know if there's a lot of hippies there i don't explore the island there is what about apple butter? You think you could buy... You could probably buy some apple butter. No problem. There's certainly a farmer's market. Goat cheese and apple butter. Yeah, it's a hippie island.

Yeah, there's actually... We went back to the regular island, Vancouver Island, during this trip, and we went through Coombs, B.C., which has a... Oh, my goodness. That's a hippie area. It has a restaurant and grocery store with a roof

on top with goats. And Abby's dad got a bumper sticker that is just a picture of a goat pooping off of the roof, I think. Fantastic. A silhouette. It's fantastic.

Bumper stickers. We were having this discussion. I was having a discussion with somebody the other day. That seems to be a thing that's becoming more and more a rarity, no? Bumper stickers? Sure. Yeah. Although.

Like, do you ever put a bumper sticker on your car? Yes. Not my current car. But it's the kind of thing you do when you know your car is no good yeah and you're like well you don't want to put it on a good car i and my i were you a bumper sticker guy did you ever put a bumper sticker mine wasn't mine wasn't the first bumper sticker on the car there were already a couple have you but sometimes there are cars that are just covered with them and yeah. What do you believe in? Yeah. Who do you brake for?

I saw a bumper sticker once that said bumper sticker on the bumper sticker. Whoa. I thought that was pretty funny. Yeah, yeah. Meta. And this guy who used to run the Edmonton Yuck Yucks, his bumper, he had the salmon, you know, the Catholic symbol? Yeah.

Yeah. And in the middle of the... Salmon? What is it, a fish? It's a fish. A Jesus fish. A Jesus fish? Catholic salmon.

In the middle of the fish, it said, Mmm, chips? That's pretty good. I like the one that says, It's all the religious symbols and it spells coexist. That's pretty simple. That's clever. That's a funny one.

Yeah, that's a good one. I don't mind that one. Free Tibet? Free Tibet. That's pretty simple. That's clever. Yeah. That's a funny one. Yeah, that's a good one. I don't mind that one. Free to bet. Free to bet. That's pretty popular. I haven't freed it yet. I don't really believe in anything. What's the funniest bumper sticker you've ever seen?

Oh, my girlfriend can't wrestle, but you should see her box. Oh, that's pretty good. my girlfriend can't wrestle but you should see her box laughter laughter that's pretty good you made us laugh you anyone anyone good ones um I think when I was a kid and I saw a bumper sticker that said wine em dine em 69 em I thought that was the funniest thing

I'd ever heard in my life I was like of course what would you do next? What else is there to do? But that's an interesting... I feel like bumper stickers in general, as a society, we are moving away from the bumper sticker

culture. What's next? Yeah. What is next? They have the scrolling thing you can put on the back of your car. Oh, yeah. You text a message to your special number, and it scrolls the message back. And you're like, hey, hotties behind me in the Miata.

You know, wind me, dine me, 69 me. And they also have ones, I don't know, on rims. Is there a commercial for this? Yeah, they have ones on rims, yeah. I don't know on is there a commercial for this yeah yeah yeah oh because like it seems like that's just a an advanced version of the thing where you had the microphone that talked to your radio that was awesome and the kid says to the people on the street like hey ladies or whatever but like the women easily could have heard him say that. But it was coming through the ring. The Timmy O'Toole. Oh, man.

Anyway, so Gabriel Island. Yeah, Gabriel Island. There's a lot of diversions on the show. A lot of tributaries. We were there, and it's great. They got cable and internet. They have internet up there? Well, it's a package.

It's bundled. Bundled in some filthy hippie blanket. and internet. They have internet up there? Well, it's a package. It's bundled. Okay. Bundled in some filthy hippie blanket. But they only have, like, my cell phone doesn't work up there. Oh, cut off. You know, I got a detach from the office. My secretary was going nuts. The humanity.

But the water up there, everyone has wells Ew Oh no wait, you mean I thought you meant that was some sort of disease Welts They have welts They have mumps They have wells and the plumbing all comes from well water

Or as far as I know Everyone seems to have a well And apparently Abby's parents well isn't dark isn't dark enough it's not deep enough and once you go dark the water's not dark enough uh and so we the policy is always uh if it's yellow let it mellow if it's brown flush it down but that's also the bumper sticker is that in the well or the toilet in the toilet okay yeah there's indoor plumbing and everything but the it's like the the uh yeah i don't they run out of water every time i'm there and so it's and then what you have to go buy like borrow a

cup of water from your neighbor to flush the toilet? No, to flush the toilet, like, every so often they go back to Nanaimo, and they know people in Nanaimo, and they fill up these huge jugs with water so you can fill up the back of the toilet. But as for everything else, you're basically, like, washing your hands with a bottle of water. So right there, to me...

And I don't like not showering. Yeah, that takes away any of the benefit of living in a nice island area. If every time that I want to do anything water-related, it becomes a chore, I'd rather live in the city. Yeah, agreed. You know what I mean?

Yeah. Like, if you had, like, a... If you were, like, next to a spring or something like that, and you could just go fill up a thing every day and then you're set. But like you got to go to a whole other... But even then,

like washing your hands with a bottle of water and you have to, you don't want to waste any of it. Yeah. You really learn to respect for water. Yeah, and I don't want to respect water. Why not just waste it? Do you ever come home and you're like,

oh, I left the sink on. I've just been running all day. I left't want to respect water. Why not just waste it? Do you ever come home and you're like, oh, I left the sink on. I've just been running all day. I left the shower on. Yeah, just to warm up. Like a car in winter. Ooh, that water is hot now. I left it running for an hour, so just go in and it'll be warm.

Should be ready now. Oh, man. Fill up a tub and then just forget about it and then it's cold and then you're like oh well guess i'm not having a bath i feel like brushing your teeth with a lack of water is a pretty fucked up experience it's not that bad because you don't use that much water when you brush your teeth yeah camping i've done that where you just brush it with nothing and then you rinse your mouth out yeah but i feel like i need a couple really good rinses. And here's what happens. This is how I always fuck it up, is I'll have a cup, and then I'll wet the toothbrush, and then I'll be brushing, and then somehow that's my rinse water.

I've already sullied it once. By dipping the thing in? By dipping the thing in. And then I'll inevitably, like, unless I'm by a sink, I'll end up spitting in my rinse water. And then I got no rinse water. See? Yeah, well. Yeah.

I don't know. Full you once. Shame on me. But same on the rinse water. You should be able to think your way around. I lived for, like, many years ago. I was living in a house and the pipe, our main, like, water line burst. And so it was in the middle of the winter and we had no water for about a week.

And that was the worst because it was like camping with none of the fun and all of the trouble of trying to get clean. Like, yeah, I had to go to the... There was a Chinese restaurant around the corner and that's where I used the bathroom. But I kept going in and having to like bluff with the menu. And then half an hour later

you'd have to go to the bathroom again. But yeah, we had to do the thing where we buy like water, use rainwater from outside. It's the nightmare. Imagine if that became life. Let's not.

It's terrible. Let's not imagine. I hate camping too. Oh yeah? Me too, dude. I have no tolerance for that. I think I like drinking a lot, and so that really

goes in. And falling asleep wherever. Do you think camping with a bunch of people is fun? Camping with your girlfriend is the worst, because camping with your girlfriend means you're doing all the work. Oh, yeah! I've never done it. I've never camped with a girlfriend. Get a Oh, yeah. I've never done it.

I've never camped with a girlfriend. Get a group, man. I went camping with my girl. We went up to Pismo Beach. It was sand dunes. She didn't mention that it was Dune Buggy Central. Literally, it's like the Lost Boys. We're getting circled by fucking dirt bikes the whole time.

I try to fall asleep and it's just not going to happen. So she wakes me up and she's like, we have sand all over us. All over us. And there's sand everywhere. It is like a... Like the sand is blowing too, like the wind because it's the ocean.

So you came back with very smooth skin. Yeah, we exfoliated. So we go to a campsite. She's like, let's go to a campsite. So we leave the. So we go to a campsite. She's like, let's go to a campsite. So we leave the beach. We go to a campsite. We have this camp. We clean up all the sand.

Still no shower yet, but the campsite has a shower in it. So I'm like, tomorrow morning I'll have a shower. I have so much sand on me, I just want to go to bed. We set up the tent. She has two giant dogs. They're called Anatolian Shepherds they're like great danes with fur wow so much fur that when you go like that there's fur everywhere so there's fur all over me and there's sand all over me and one of them's in the tent one's out we finish the campfire

romance whatever get in the tent she's trying to drag one in when the other one's in there and it's growling they're growling i'm in the the sleeping and I'm like, maybe that's not a good idea. And she goes, it's fine. I've never really got to tell this story because it makes her angry if I bring up that something might have been her fault. Right. Right, right, right. But I was mad that she was bringing it in, and of course, they got in a fight right on top of me. In the tent.

On top of me in the tent on top of me in the tent 165 pounds oh god biting oh my god catching biting each other so much blood is flying everywhere oh my god there's blood do they know each dance floor hair everywhere and i'm furious and she's like you know we need to clean this up i'm like fuck that don't spit each other their problem wow i'm going to bed wake up in the morning you know wake up in the morning what am i talking about wake up two hours later yeah yeah like you had a great night of sleep after that matter settled and i didn't even want to talk to her and i never don't know if i've ever been this mad before in my life and not really had anywhere to direct it right so i said i'm just gonna have a shower so i go into the shower

and it's not a shower it's a wall And someone has cemented a hose nozzle Like through the wall I guess they run a hose into the wall It's a glory hole Yeah, it's terrible, dude And of course there's a freaking quarters It's asking for 50 cents 50 cents I gotta put in the shower

Wow It's 50 cents you're going to pay. Yeah. They know it. Could be a dollar, except they don't use coin money in the States. So I got to go find 50 cents. So I have to ask her, even though I hate her. I'm going to ask her for 50 cents.

Put the 50 cents in. There's no H and C, hot and cold. It's just a hose. Just two knobs and a hose. But the knobs spin infinity. You know? They just don't you don't know

which is and after I spin them a few times I'm like I don't even know which way is off at this point. I've spun so much. So I crank one off

and I hold my hand Is that a crank one off? Well you are in the shower. Of course. And I feel nothing but cold water for about five minutes. I'm like, okay, this is obviously the cold water that's on. So I crank that one until it turns off, and then I crank the other one off. And on.

It was one of the two. I crank another one off. And I feel that one, and finally it gets hot. So I put a little bit of cold on, and I say, okay. I have a feeling I know where this is going. Yeah, you're climbing. Obviously, he goes, no. So then I go, okay, I guess it's time for me to get in.

So I take off my pants, and I take off my shirt, and as soon as I fucking put my pants in, the water stops. It's like you're Mr. Bean. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I just swore so loud. Oh, man. That's funny. Graham.

Yeah. Do we want to get to know you? Yeah, sure. I was yesterday. my parents were in town over the weekend where are they from they're from calgary okay and so they were in town they don't make it into the city super often so it's really nice to have them here and uh you know we went for dinner and stuff and then yesterday i was trying to think. Did you pay? I didn't pay. They were very eager to pay.

I offered. That's the best part of it. I made the motion. Okay. But the next day we went to the art gallery. And I thought, you know, because that's not something I do all the time. But there's always something really cool to see there. And we went down to the art gallery.

And the thing is like in in vancouver right it is it's rembrandt and vermeer vermeer right now um and yeah it was very it was a great exhibit but outside of the art gallery is kind of where all the like things are always going on and on the north side of the art gallery was this Islamic cultural festival. So it was huge and there was dancing and there was all these booths and all different – like food and all this kind of stuff. And then on the south side of the art gallery was the meeting place of the zombie walk, which happens once a year. It's all these people dress up. Have you ever heard of it?

I actually saw the front of a paper with this. Yeah. So it's like easily I would say there was 300, 400 people there all done up. All zombified. Yeah. They're all done up with it. And some costumes, like great, great costumes, a lot of forethought. But it's something where in October you would just be like, oh, October. But it's you know it's something where in uh october you would just be like oh

october but it's you know it's hot august day and there's all these people just completely done up head to toe my parents thought it was the greatest better than the art gallery oh they just thought it was the the most fun thing and it made it look like vanc like what a crazy city vancouver is look what's going on just in this one block this happens every day yeah did they walk like zombies too like yeah like the thriller video yeah and they like they they they act like zombies and they groan and they do the the whole nine a hundred percent of the time or they, like, you've got to be, how committed are they to the character? Because I have very little patience.

We noticed them at first because we didn't know that that was happening on the other side. But there were three people at a hot dog stand all done up like zombies ordering hot dogs. And you knew they weren't Muslims. Exactly. And usually they eat brains, right? But they they're like there's some brain content in hot dogs surely so they were uh yeah ordering hot dogs we thought oh this is really neat but we thought it had happened somewhere else and these were just stragglers um but yeah the meeting on the other side and so it was this huge you caught it it right in its... Yeah, right as it was happening.

And it was a lot of fun. There was this one security guard. You could tell this was... He drew the short straw. And it was his day to guard the entrance from all these... Because either way, it wasn't going to be a quiet day at the art gallery. But when you went in the lobby in the art gallery, it was filled with this strange blend of tourists and Muslims in full kind of traditional outfits and zombies all waiting to use the bathrooms.

Were there any Muslim zombie tourists? No. Yeah, exactly. There was very little crossover. And your parents must have had a blast. They thought it was great. And I took them to Jappa Dog, which, you know, have you been to Jappa Dog? Is that Swedish food?

No, it's a hot dog. It's a Japanese hot dog. It's a Japanese hot dog stand. Sorry. It didn't pick up. Have you been there? Yeah. My favorite part of it is the celebrity endorsement.

Besides. It was the celebrities. Anthony Bourdain did a. Celebrity chef. Celebrity. Yeah. He's the guy who goes all over the place. Yeah.

He's like the Lachlan Patterson. Oh, is he? He must die. He must die. There can only be one. Gotta catch him all. So there was that and then Ice Cube. And there's a speech bubble coming out of Ice Cube's mouth that says,

I've been here seven times. Really? Yeah. They're just misquoting him. Yeah, I don't know. They're literally putting words and hot dogs in his mouth. Yeah. You can probably sue him.

But it's the only... Jin from Lost mouth. Yeah. You could probably sue him. But it's the only... Gin from Lost, also? Yeah, and the guy from Prison Break. The guy who was also in Fargo, the big guy. Looks like a Russian guy. All right, I think I know who you mean. Oh, he's in Prison Break? Yeah.

Is he in the Volkswagen commercial? Yeah, he is. Yeah. Yeah, sure. It's funny. And he likes hot dogs. And isn't he Slippery Pete? Yeah, he is. Yeah. Yeah, sure. It's funny. And he likes hot dogs. And isn't he Slippery Pete? Yes, he was Slippery Pete from Seinfeld.

He was the guy that they hired to move the Frogger machine across the street, Slippery Pete. Right, right, right. Like, I need cable. Not the guy from Fargo. The whole... Yeah, he's from Fargo. Oh, Peter Stormare. Yes.

There you go. Yeah, he's from Fargo. Oh, Peter Sturmere. Yes. There you go. But yet, it's the only time in my life that I've ever stood in not one, but two lines to get a hot dog. And they're good hot dogs. What are the lineups for? There's an order lineup and a pickup lineup.

Wow. They're just so popular. But my dad, right away, was like, why doesn't somebody just copy this and open another one just across the street? Or why don't they franchise it? Yeah, it seems insane. Japadog. Because it's just a hot dog with Japanese-style toppings. Yeah, weird mayo and seaweed.

Teriyaki sauce. And sprouts and different combinations. It's neat. It's good. It really tastes good. But I'm like, it's easily copied. It's a thing where you could just look at it and go.

It's a kiddie corner from the Scotiabank Theater. Right next to the Sutton Place Hotel where celebrities like to stay when they're in town. They love to. I ate here seven times. So yeah, that was the weekend.

It was a lot of fun. Dave and I did a show last night. Yeah. Where? At the Media Club. Oh, that's right. How and I did a show last night. Yeah. Where? At the Media Club. Oh, that's right. How did that go? It was good.

Were they seated? Yeah, on little kind of, it was kind of set up like an Indian opium den or something like that. Yeah, it was weird stools that looked like they just had a restaurant makeover. They were uncomfortable, though? No. I mean, that's a good thing. People who have seats were comfortable. Okay. The majority without seats were, I think, kind of comfortable, that's a good thing. People who have seats were comfortable.

The majority without seats were, I think, kind of comfortable. There was a lot of standing. But it was good. It was a good crowd. And then at the end of the night when we were exiting, because they had free beer for us.

Yeah, they had free beer in the back. Graham and I were under the impression we weren't being paid because we were being so over-thanked that we thought

this was a favor. Yeah, we assumed that we weren't getting paid. Okay were being so over-thanked that we thought this was a favor. Yeah, we assumed that we weren't getting paid. And so we filled our pockets with the free beer. Well, and then when we were walking out, this guy who I said was dressed like Nathan Detroit because he had a white hat on and a pinstripe vest and a white tie. Yeah, he looked like Bruce Willis in Last Man Standing. Yes.

Is my reference. Okay. And then didn't we say there was some Last Man Dancing or something with Nathan Detroit? Sure. And he came up and grabbed the beer bottle that was sticking out of my jacket pocket and said, you can't take that. Yeah, he might as well have said, yoink. Yeah, but he left.

We had well left the club. We were no longer on club property. You were on the street? Yes. Oh, no. We had at least hit the street. Oh, yeah. And he left his jurisdiction.

That's embarrassing. He went above and beyond. It was embarrassing for Graham. It was very embarrassing for me. So you didn't get paid in the end. No, we got paid. We ended up getting paid. We didn't know we were getting paid. You didn't get paid that night?

We've been paid. We got paid. Last night. And you still took the beer out? Yeah. That was already part of our game plan. And as a performer, I was entitled to beer, but I was driving home, so I

didn't drink it there. I love how you made that seem fair as a performer. But then, yeah, it was... I am entitled to take beer away. And this was the other thing. This was the other kind of element of the evening, was as I was walking down, everybody's experience walking down to the show

was that they were accosted or joined on the street by many, many douchebags. And we couldn't figure out why. Nobody knew. There was obviously something going on at GM Place, some show. But nobody knew what the show was. So there was guesses aplenty of what band. Is it Keith Urban?

Yeah. Is it Lil Wayne? Or is it? There was all sorts of guesses as to. Nobody over 30. Like, all young, all very drunk. Mostly girls and mostly boys. A lot of couples.

A lot of couples and a lot of dudes. It seemed like it was, well, I guess it was pretty down the middle, actually, guys and dolls. It was guys and dolls. Yeah, it was guys and dolls. Sold out at GM Play. Yeah. And he thought, like,

because we found out who it was, but who would you think, based on, we're talking a lot of- Based on our terrible descriptions. Wait, let me give you

a fuller description. All right. Lottie- I won't get it, but okay. Well, no, that's the thing.

Nobody got it. We had to actually be told what it was because nobody predicted it. It was, it would be young guys and girls but all very drunk and lots of like kind of frat boy types like almost i would say mostly yeah oh yeah and uh um and the girl the girls my mom said that she noticed most of the girls were dressed in very black and white outfits. Like a black skirt and a white top and vice versa.

Yeah. And lots of screaming. Lots of people screaming at each other across the street. So I was thinking, I was like, what's a band that's like a puddle of mud for today's generation? Today's puddle of mud. the today's generation you know like today's puddle of mud that should be whatever band it is it should be called today's puddle of mud that should be their little caption but at the uh the band it was uh the kings of leon was the band i was gonna say the kings of leon because i heard they were in town not based upon anything that you just said i was kind of surprised i thought kings of leon were for the uh the cool crowd yeah the hipster kids

i'm always surprised by the fans that enjoy the music that i enjoy oh yeah i went to uh the wall flowers once i don't even know why but i was like excited to go see the wallflowers. And it was all 16-year-old girls. That's the worst! And I'm standing, and I'm expecting to be front row going, yeah! And I'm literally, everyone's waist high. It's like I could literally swim through the people. And they're all looking at me like, why are you here, Dad? I guess I mistook the wallflowers. One time I went to see Lily Allen,

British Chanteuse, and I thought it would be a hip crowd. It was women, like Grey's Anatomy fans, drinking appletinis. It does not shock me in the last I think it was a hundred percent yeah I was the coolest guy there I know and that's the thing is is I like I like Lillian I think she I think she's really funny she's saying um she's singing I'm like a bird no no that that was Nelly Furtado. Yeah, Lily Allen is kind of like a sassy British.

Yeah. She's like... Imagine if Lady Sovereign was more of a songwriter. Okay. Dave's pretty proud of himself. Wow, yeah, he is. He loves Lily Allen. But Lily Allen, to me, seems like the thing is the Appletini crowd will see her as that thing that hip kids are listening to.

Right. But it's in actuality the real fan base ends up being all people who think that. She shows up on too many celebrity blogs. Yeah, maybe that's it. I don't know why. But luckily, mercifully, Aerosmith, the Aerosmith ZZ Top double bill was canceled last night because the douche factor would have been off the scale. Oh, that's right.

He fell. Yeah. Yeah. That would have been the even higher douchebag factor. I don't know if we would have made it home. We would have been engulfed. Yeah. It was ZZ Top and Aerosmith.

Yeah, that's what it was. Can you imagine the heady blend of all those fans mixing in the heat downtown? The tunnel would have been crazy. Yeah, the bridge and tunnel. The desilenced slew would be... So that's what's going on. I wanted to give a shout out to... There's some gentlemen who are a big fan of the podcast.

And I think they all work in an office together. Oh, like television's the office. Yeah. So they said, can you give us a... Oh, no, they work... The productions. They work at a manufacturing job. So this is a shout-out.

Like the warehouse part of the office. Yeah, yeah. Where the ex-boyfriend. Yeah, Roy. Yeah. All right. So the names. Big shout-out.

Stephen Chapman, Kevin Chapman, Shane Murphy. Hey, hey, we don't do last names. And Andrew Bird. Why? They wanted a shout out to their names. You think it's the Andrew Bird, the talented one? Yeah. Okay.

Larry Bird's brother. So yeah, that's your shout out. Thanks a lot for listening to the show. All right. Do we want to move along to some overheard? Sure. Overheard. Overheard. Things overheard? Sure. Overheard. Overheard.

Things overheard in everyday life. We've got some people who have sent some written ones in. We have some call-in ones. And, of course, we like to always start with our guest. Oh, no. No? We can switch it up. I'll do it.

Let's do it. I don't want to break tradition. Yeah. You're very traditional. So just kind of set the scene of what the overheard was. All right. I was trying on a pair of pants. I think this was at the Bay.

And I was in the changing room trying on pants. And this was a while ago. But I remember outside the door I could hear a mom and her son. And he was wearing a pair of pants, I guess. And she said, those pants are too tight. You don't want them too tight or you won't be able to have babies. And I opened the door and the kid was about seven. Were you in the boys section um no i wasn't in the boys section

but i remember that he was about seven i don't know was i in the boys section jesus no you know the bay is not as broken up no that's true yeah there's not that many places for men wow man the bays change rooms, they are like the last bastion of humanity. People just don't treat anything with respect in those places. Man, there's a pile of clothes on the floor. Yikes.

Daisy. Yeah, the Bay and Winners. Oh, man. No respect. And Value Village, the toy section. When I was a kid. The toy section And Value Village, the toy section. When I was a kid. Yeah, and the toy section in Value Village. We didn't get a microwave until I was like 13. And my mom told me, don't stand in front of it or your genitals will fall off.

Yeah, I remember this. I still don't stand in front of the microwave. I don't look at my food. I don't know why there's a window there, if that's true, though. Yeah, I guess. I, uh, yeah, well, I don't know. Yeah, I guess. I should just be lead-lined.

I don't wear tight jeans now. Well, on account of the babies. But imagine a seven-year-old. Would he really care? He's not even making... Yeah, he don't need to... He's not... Is he really thinking about raising a family?

No, I... Does he care how tight his jeans are's not... Is he really thinking about raising a family? No, I... Does he care how tight his jeans are? No. Is he going to defend... No, I want the tight jeans so I can look like Fallout Boy. Well, you know, that's the thing. Is there going to be a whole generation of kids that are largely infertile?

And are the only ones who are going to be the fertile ones are the ones wearing super baggy pants? Oh, no. Your leftover Limp Bizkit pants at the hotel? They're super fertile. going to be the the fertile ones are the ones wearing super baggy pants oh no your leftover limp biscuit fans they're super fertile yeah it's just guys who wear shorts all year yeah yeah oh nuts on stage luckily nobody will have sex with them so that really does even out the field yeah that's the problem bottom line is there's going to be a lot of kids in the future. Fine with me. I haven't overheard, and I'll go next because I ain't loving it,

which was McDonald's least popular slogan. I ain't loving it. Yeah. Da-da-da-da-da. I ain't loving it. This one was mostly just factually inaccurate. I was at a restaurant, and there were two men that were about 50, in their 50s, and they were talking politics, and they didn't have all their facts down.

And one of them said, Obama's looking good with getting those two gals out of prison. And the other one didn't correct him, because it wasn't Obama. Yeah, it was Clinton. Obama's looking pretty good. That's what the first guy said, and then the second guy came in with a totally unrelated fact. He was like, hey, I was just talking about how Obama looks good.

He's looking good. My overheard came courtesy yesterday of the zombie walk, and there was a police presence there, I guess, because they actually do march down a street or something. They actually go somewhere. It's not a stationary event. And as we're walking past these three cops we're kind of discussing the scene and this one really really

really burly cop with the crew cut and a mustache said uh well if there's a paintball gun somebody fires a paintball as far as i'm concerned, that's a fucking arrest. Oh, that's awesome. I wish we could hear more cop talk. Why would paintballs go along with zombies? Like, he's just waiting for paintballs. He was hoping for it, because as far as Eakins is concerned, I don't care what you all are doing. That's the most action he's ever looked at. I've got an itchy arrest finger.

Should we read them or listen to them? I'll read a couple of the ones that we were sent in. This is an overheard from, I guess it's three initials if I don't say the last name. It's K-T-B. Anyways, this was something. My overheard was from the weekend. I went to Milwaukee for my niece Lily's first birthday party. My sister-in-law planned a huge birthday bash.

The party was drawing to a close. I was helping clean up and listening to my sister-in-law's aunts and uncles, the conversation they were having in the next room. For some reason, they were talking about reality TV. All of a sudden, I hear one of her uncles say really loudly, how much do you think that Ryan Sequest makes? Sequest? Ryan Sequest.

It's DSV. Is that a show? Not anymore. Sequest makes a lot of money. That's a great show. Ryan Sequest. Ryan Sequest. It's the underwater dance show host.

And that was the... There was a dolphin that could talk? No, that was Flipper. No, wait. No, that was not a thing that exists. It's a little mermaid. All right. An overheard that happened to me a couple years ago on the bus in Vancouver.

There was a woman with two young children. They were all over the place, climbing on people and over seats. And the lady, in an unenthusiastic voice, was trying to get them to settle down. Never once did she move to grab a hold of them or put them in their seats. This was his favorite thing that she said. Sit down. Stop it. Stop being stupid.

I gave you chocolate. The deal's a deal. The deal's a deal. The deal's a deal. That was Blake O? That was Blake O. It'd be great if you could just stop stupidity with anything. If anything, she's to blame for the... Yeah, I gave you Jolt Cola.

Stop it. Yeah. This is from Daniel C. This overheard last night outside my bedroom window at about 3.30 a.m. This person was screaming at the top of his lungs and needless to say, it woke me up. It was a guy talking on his cell phone. He was very drunk. His monologue was broken into three parts.

First part was, I never tricked you. I never tricked you. Why would I trick you if I was at the bar? Followed a few seconds later by, I do not love you. I never loved you. I never tricked you. Why would I trick you if I was at the bar? Followed a few seconds later by, I do not love you. I never loved you. I never loved you, never will. Followed by, I always got your back. Always.

You feel me? You heard. That was from Daniel C. Those are like black eyed peas lyrics. This is from Daniel C. Those are like black-eyed peace lyrics. This is from Jason M. I was on the sidewalk walking to the metro. This is in Washington, D.C.

And a rather large woman was coming towards me. I didn't see a phone or a Bluetooth headset, so I think she was either talking to me or herself. As she passed along, she looks right at me and says, You killed my mother and knocked down the Twin Towers. Of course I'm going to testify or herself. As she passed along, she looks right at me and says, You killed my mother and knocked down the Twin Towers. Of course I'm going to testify against you. Do you ever see people

talking to themselves? You don't hear them, but you see them gesture? They'll shrug or they'll do a hand motion and you know in their head they're like, This is what I should have said to that guy. I like when you like some guy that's yeah like kind of a crazier kook and they'll give you the kind of like you know like they give you kind of like isn't that crazy they give you that kind of look like isn't that third party thing crazy

um this is not an overheard but it's an overseen that we should put on the blog, I think, is from 2007 by Fisherman's Wharf in Victoria. It's just a large, one of those large teddy bears that you would win at a carnival. The head's ripped off and stuck on a pole. You see that? Oh, that's nice. That's pretty. That's a great photo, and thank you for sharing.

I don't know. I can't remember the name of the person that's from. nice. That's pretty. That's a great photo, and thank you for sharing. I don't know. I can't remember the name of the person that's from. Allison B.? Allison B. Thanks for sending in. If anybody wants to send in anything in the realm of overheards or your general suggestion for the show or thoughts in general, you can send them to stoppodcastyourselfatgmail.com. And we have some phoned in. Yeah, if you'd like to call in

and send us your overheards, our phone number is 206-339-8328. That's 206-339... Teat. Teat. Yeah, like a teat. Which is the real word for tit, right? That's the real English question.

Yeah, look it up. Yeah. Yeah. They're not called tits. Okay. All right. Called in once. Okay.

Hi, Graham and Dave. This is Jennifer calling from Cleveland, Ohio with an overheard. This is an old and all-time favorite overheard of mine from when I was in college in Ann Arbor, Michigan. I was in a restaurant bathroom and I heard a little kid who had come in with her mother. She was in the stall going to the bathroom. The little kid flushes the toilet and then I hear, Bye-bye, poo-poo. See you later. And then the mom gives a little giggle and says, I hope you don't see that poo-poo later.

And it was wonderful. Love the show. Love you guys. Keep it up. Have a good day. That was like a heartwarming one. A heartwarming poo one. Yeah. It was a poop-warming one.

But, you know, I think parents, they get into a phase and then, like, it feels like shit jokes and stuff are really great most of your life. And then there becomes this awkward phase where people are like, grow up. Don't need to be telling those jokes anymore. But then those same people then get married and have kids and then it's all. It's poopy this. Yeah, poopy this and poopy that. I think when you see poo all the time Like when you become a parent

You just see so much poo That it's no longer impressive I watched my sister change the baby's diaper And I got this face like Oh this is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen And she's just having a conversation While eating the sandwich Scraping the poo Now your sister I've ever seen. And she's just having a conversation while eating the sandwich.

Scraping the poo. Now, your sister, she has, is it four? Four, dude. Four kids. Unbelievable. She handles it, though. Is that your only sibling that has? That's my only sibling.

Okay. How many kids? You're one of how many kids? It's just me and her. Okay. Yeah. I'm one of four, so it doesn't blow me away.

But you have... Four under four. Wow. Wow. Wow. That is crazy. Oh, they're all in the, when she drives, they're all in the thing.

This was hilarious. I was in the, this is how good she is. I'm in the passenger seat. She's in the driver's seat. She's so, she picks me up from the ferry and, which she didn't even have to do. I didn't know she, like I'm in the passenger seat. She's in the driver's seat. She's so... She picks me up from the ferry. She didn't even have to do... I didn't know

she... I would take a cab if I knew she had to strap four babies into it. Right, right, right. So she's got me excited to talk to me. Talking to talk, talk. So what's going on? This and this and this. While driving, one of the babies cries, starts throwing up. Of course. So there's so

many fluids all over this baby. She turns around and I'm like, oh my god, the baby just puked. What should we do? She's like, don't worry. She looks at it and she analyzes the puke. It's fine. That's normal. I guess it hits the fan.

The next baby starts puking. That's crying. Then the other baby starts crying and she's more concerned about the non-puker she's like oh he just needs orange juice while she's driving these are puking and screaming talking to me pours an orange juice into a container while driving and screws on the top and hands it back to the kid in the back while continuing to drive like just it's i mean it's that's uh that's what it is though right you become this uh yeah like some some kind of like a machine like some it's your it's your life that's fun though you get to be an you get to be an uncle four times

over yeah and dave you're an uncle as well right right? Yeah, three times over. So that's, I'm the only, I think I'm the only one here that has, and I realized it last weekend, I was having a chat with a friend who also doesn't have any siblings that have kids. I have no exposure to kids. Oh, wow. You should be an uncle. Of the three of us, you're the most avuncular. Yeah. I think I'd be a great uncle, but I don't spend, I spend absolutely in the last year,'ve uh seen i've been around one kid and that's my boss's kid and she brought him in for half an hour otherwise i haven't been or seen or been around it is weird at first because you're you don't know uh the boundaries

you're like yeah i i if you want me to pick you up but I'm going to have to grab you in weird places yeah yeah yeah it's definitely going to be a boost up on the bottom I'm terrible at it dude and the kids just they love you they don't care he asks how many sleeps how many sleeps till Lachlan comes back oh you Kim for that kid

you showing up for this time he's probably exploding with joy that you're staying for this time, he's probably exploding with joy that you're staying longer. This is it. This is like summer camp for him. Yeah, the oldest is pretty cute. The others I don't connect with yet.

Well, it's because they're all about orange juice at the moment. You're no orange juice. That's pretty verbal. Another call then? All right. Hello, Graham, Dave, and guest. This is Todd the Pokebumper. Thank you.

I was out working. I go door to door for my job. And as I was standing at a doorstep waiting for someone to answer the door, two women started walking down the street. Both of them looked like they had been probably raised in trailers and they were carrying on this conversation. Girl one says,

so wait, let me get this straight. You married him twice and divorced him twice? Lady two, well, next week it'll have been married him three times. Anyway, I thought that was quite a bit. That's a real ross and rachel situation is it not yeah they were on a break yeah they got together they broke up

um we fight we break up we kiss we make up katie perry right there was a moment of me searching my reservoir of song lyrics um yeah i don't is there that brings to mind a question because he said they looked like they'd you know been brought up in trailers i don't know that there's a standard now that we've moved past the kind of stereotypical uh trailer look is there a standard look wherein you feel you could accurately guess? I'm talking specifically trailer. Specific, yeah. Because there's a lot, the surrounding neighborhood to a trailer also resembles the trailer. Yeah, like I mean, but you know, to me it feels like now it's just an across the board. Yeah, you can live in a meth flop

house without going near a trailer. That's what I'm saying. So is trailer just... Is that still just shorthand for poor? Is that how that works? It's also trashy. You can be poor and classy. I think it's trashy.

I'm poor. Yeah. Yeah, okay. Yeah, that's right. I don't live in a trailer park. Yeah. Hey, guys. This is Julie. I'm a teacher in Chicago trailer park. Yeah. Hey, guys, this is Julie.

I'm a teacher in Chicago, and I have an overseen for you, which I will describe using terms my principal used when she was explaining it to some of the other teachers on my staff. So graffitied on the outside of our school was a huge penis, which my principal used hand gestures to symbolize the squirtage coming out of the penis. And it also had huge accessories, a.k.a. balls. And next to the penis was the phrase,

My dick hates this school, which was made even more funny by the middle school English teacher who was pissed off since it didn't make any sense that the penis hated the school since it was so excited about it. Thanks, guys. Bye. That's what I was thinking as soon as it said that.

I was like, in essence, this seems to be a depiction of some sort of orgasm. Sure. Yeah, like, have you ever orgasmed out of disgust? I'm saving myself. I hate you. But when she said the English teacher had a problem with it, I thought she meant that the penis had free will. But, of course, penises do have free will. Am I right, ladies?

That brings to mind, actually, kind of a sub... My chick hates this. It's that encapsulates... That guy should be working. You know, adolescence. Yeah, it really does. That should have been the title of my so-called life that that's what i want from now on to be my uh

shorthand for something that i hate my dick hates this yeah my dick hates this restaurant actually i think that's gonna be the new thing like if i hate a place i'm gonna just draw it on like uh the bathroom wall and pencil or something and say, my dick hates this restaurant. Can we rename this podcast, My Dick Hates This Podcast? I think that'd be good to be a movie critic and that would be

two thumbs up or whatever. Actually, my dick hated this movie. My dick loved this movie. There's something magical about that. It got me, too. But it does remind me of a subspecies of overseens and overheards. The graffiti angle was one of my favorites, and it's died down in the past few weeks. But for a while, we were getting a lot of submissions.

We'll do a big bunch next week. We'll do a big sweep of them? Yeah. Oh, great, because that is my favorite. So thank you very much for that overheard. Very funny. Okay, we have one more. It's a drunk dial.

Oh, and let's explain to any new listeners. We, like a month ago, we said if you are drunk and you feel like you really got to talk to somebody and it's irresistible, we said to call our number and leave us a message because we wanted to be in on it. And we've gotten a lot of them. Most of them were pretty unusable, pretty meandering and foul. But the number, if you are drunk, right now is your listening. Put it in your phone right now. Right now. It's 206 it in your phone right now. Right now.

It's 206-339-8328. Anyways, so we have one. Yeah, this one, I'll start it right now. Hello, David and Graham. It's Katie from Minnesota, and you are being drunk dialed. Okay, this one is four minutes long, so I'm just going to skip ahead to the best part. Let me sum up the first two minutes. She's at a party.

She's talking to a... It sounded pretty quiet to be a party. She's left a party. Oh, okay. The first two minutes are about this party she went to. Why don't we just listen to it? No, it's really long. Two minutes doesn't seem like a long time, but it is. She's talking to this girl about...

My dick doesn't want to wait that long. Yeah. My dick doesn't like that prospect time She's talking to this girl My dick doesn't want to wait that long My dick doesn't like that prospect She's talking to a girl And the girl is interested in doing drugs And they're smoking a A hookah pipe But with tobacco in it Oh okay

And then she decided that Since the three of us were smoking this hookah Filled with tobacco, we were going to be drug experts. And she wanted us to educate her on the way she could get into the world of doing drugs because she never even smoked anything in her life. And what drugs we think would be appropriate for her. And I think I should just reveal here that I don't really do drugs.

So I had no clue really what to tell her. But she kept going on and on and asking questions, and finally she kind of wraps this up with, I really think I'd enjoy LSD because I really love the movie Labyrinth. Well, you wouldn't if you saw it on LSD, I'm pretty sure. Yeah, I just enjoyed that. And thank you very much. Thanks for trying to hold it together.

Yeah, you really... That's how you decide what drug you want based on a movie you enjoy? I think I'd really like weed because I enjoy... You know, that would be a handy, like, if there was, like, a website that you went to and it listed all these things that you checked off, like, things that you like, and then it would compile the data and basically point, like, if you like this thing and that thing and this thing, this would be the drug that you should use.

Yeah, perfect. If you like having dreadlocks and... Do you like being a dick? Then you'll love Coke. Yeah. Oh, man. I like working in ad sales. Do you like driving three in the morning as best you can

and picking spiders off your elbows? Then you'll like meth. That would be a good website. Thanks, everybody, to all the people who wrote in and called in, overheard. And, yeah, like Dave said, we'll do a sweep of graffiti-related ones next week. And also, you know, send in things that your dick likes. Or dislikes. Or dislikes.

Yeah, mostly what it hates. Yeah, yeah. Tell us things that your dick hates. My dick hates the school. The such. Oh, you're right. It's everything that being a teenager is all about. That child might be a savant. Yeah.

I mentioned that Lachlan Patterson, the chef, was on Top Chef Masters. Yes. There's four finalists in Top Chef Masters at the moment, and they referred to one of them as an Asian fusion savant. How would you know? When do you know? The savant, when I hear savant, I always think, oh, idiot savant. Right. Like, is there any other kind?

Aren't they just a genius at that point? Yeah. Yeah, but isn't saying savant isn't that shorthand for saying idiot savant isn't that a way to say it without saying the word idiot but this person isn't an idiot or are they they they no i think if you if i say that you're a savant it's my opinion that that's the only thing you're good at. Right, right, right. That's what I'm saying, but it sounds like a compliment. But if I say to Lachlan, oh, you're a comedy savant, it means that I'm surprised that he knows how to tie his shoes.

Right. Okay. That's the way I've always read savant. Yeah, it's kind of offensive. It's 90% offensive. But I could just be misreading the interpretation of that word, but that's the way. If anybody calls somebody a savant, to me it reads that you're really, really good at one thing and I'm surprised that you can do anything else.

I always thought it was something you're good at, but you didn't deserve it. Oh, like you're just naturally – Yeah, it's not that? I think that's a big part of it. Like a savant – if you say idiot savant, it means that you are, yeah, you're born naturally good at a thing. But it also means you're not good at anything else. Idiot savant means that. But when people shorten it to savant, I've always, but that could be me.

I assume it was shorthand. Yeah, maybe I'm misreading it. Because people don't want to say idiot. It's rude. Jack off savant. Maybe savant means. He rude. Jack off savant. He's a moron savant. It's a dickhead Asian fusion.

Maybe a savant is just a thing that's you're just really good at a thing. It doesn't mean that you're not good at other things. Well, if you take out the idiot, you're no longer an idiot. Yeah, maybe you're just a savant. Yeah, but it feels implied. Implied, Dave. I love on

podcasts, though, you can just go, you know what, send in the answer. Yeah. If someone would just send in the answer. No, I don't. What we do is we put corrections at the bottom of our recaps, because I don't want so many people sending in the answer. Okay, don't send in anything. Dave does these

blogs each and every week and you can find them at stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com. Are we wrapping her up? We could do. Yeah, we're... We've met our time... Do you feel good?

Yeah, I feel this is... Although, I do want to get Lachlan's take on one thing. Sure. Because we've been doing a bit... Is it about Kings of Leon fans? No, it's something... It's a bit...

We've had kind of a slow trickle of them. People have kind of stopped sending in things for it. But it was the... Because I feel like I don't have views on this particular thing. Things that you're... Either in retrospect, you were too old for at the time.

My example was Charlie Demers and I were discussing, very fondly remembering how much we liked the movie The Lion King. Right. And that we both saw it in the theater and we thought it was really amazing. And then we were like, when did that come out? And we both assumed that we were kids when it came out. But when we looked it up on IMDb, we were both teenagers. And so we shouldn't have liked it that much. But is there anything like that in your life where you're like, I am too old for this, but I still...

I can't help. You know, we all have our writing books, right? And I draw pictures of guns all over my writing books. They're just filled with guns and skulls and spiked collars and muscle guys. I draw these big muscle guys with guns killing just bullets flying into the corners of the page and helicopters and stuff. Yeah, I like... I don't know. That's really good. That's the

perfect, exact kind of thing. When I was a kid, me and my friends would draw these war scenes and there would be pages and pages taped together. And the bullets would go from one end to the other. And there would be torpedoes coming out of the water.

There would be planes. I'm with you, buddy. Did you ever draw... Dirt bike catching a jump through the ball. Big explosion. Did you ever draw a guy that instead of arms, he just had guns? I'm sure.

Okay. Because I did that. I think I did the shoulders. We used to play this game where we would divide a piece of paper in half and we would draw a bunch of X's on it and those were your troops.

I had played this game too, bro. And you just shot it. You would put a pencil on the page and you would just... You couldn't really aim it, but you had to just zip it across the page to the other side and try to destroy as many of the other people's. I might have played this game with you. Oh, no, I've never played this game.

Oh, I doubt it. You hold the pencil at the top so it's not really accurate, so it makes it a little bit of chance. Oh, and so you're fighting each other's... Exes. Yeah. Oh, wow. I like this a lot. Or children.

That is the perfect... Yeah. Still drawing guns. I would still do that. for children that is the perfect still drawing guns and Meyerhug I haven't seen him in forever past guest Paul Meyerhug and we were on upset into the table last night laugh lines just you know chatting

and I opened my writing book which I had just bought I just finished one just brand new almost like 10 pages in and he's like oh where i bet you there's at least i bet you i can turn to a gun and i i said go for it and sure enough he turned and there was a he's like but look at the detail he says i know you draw a lot of guns but the detail and i really do wow yeah it's creepy no it's no it's not it's the exact perfect it's

perfect but it is a little bit creepy for a grown man to be obsessed with guns. You don't seem like you're obsessed with guns. You're not a creepy guy. You don't shoot guns. You just literally are a drunk guy. But just, I'm giving this disclaimer, it would be creepy for someone else. Right. True.

Thank you. But yeah, that's perfect. It does put me in mind. Thank you. But yeah, that's perfect. It does put me in mind. I feel like I want to make a call out to the bumpers to do something artistic with this. My dick hates this thing.

Oh, okay. I was afraid you were going to be like, I want to reach out to our gun-obsessed listeners. No, no. I just, when you were talking about drawing and stuff, I was like, there's got to be some kind of artistic interpretation of my dick hates this thing. I don't know what it is because I'm not an artist. But if any bumpers out there have something in that market, send it our way to stoppodcastyourselfatgmail.com. Don't go out of your way. But if you have something prepared.

If you already had something. But wouldn't it be great to have, I don't know, some photoshopped element of a dick hating a thing? But I don't want to see an actual dick. No. You're barking up the wrong dick. I think you should see the dick. I remember how it hates something, but it's still exploding. It's snarling.

It's got like a Ninja Turtle snarl. It's got like a Ninja Turtle snarl. Anyways, Lachlan, do you have anything upcoming that you're interested in plugging? Webpages. We're international. I think I have a CD.

I'm taping my CD in November. And it should be released on iTunes by December. So look out for Lachlan Patterson's. Do you have a name for the CD? I'm stuck between a few. My dick hates this CD. Yeah, it might be funny.

That could be great. I'm spoon-feeding you gold here. Okay. That might be one. That's good. Yeah, I don't know yet. I don't know what it's going to be. Okay.

If anybody has any suggestions. Yeah, please. You know where. I don't know what it's going to be. Okay. If anybody has any suggestions. Yeah, please. You know where to... We'll totally forward them. Yeah, totally. I hate the CD. So CD should be out, you think, maybe December? Well, if I record in November, I'm assuming look out for it in December.

December? Okay. Just in time for Christmas. Yeah. Or Hanukkah. Or Kwanzaa. Or Tet. We don't have anything

to plug. Ramadan. Yes, Ramadan as well. I would like to plug something. Oh, would you? The fourth Tuesday of every month Taz Van Rassel, former guest and I, are going to be putting on a comedy show at the Biltmore Cabaret. Will I be there? Sure.

Alright. It's going to be improv and comedy. That's how easy it is to be a comedian. Yeah. That's it. Can I be there? You're booked. Can I be on that show? So, yeah. The 25th of August, there's comedy every Tuesday

at the Biltmore with rotating hosts. Yeah. Worth checking out. Yeah, please. The Bronx Cheer does two nights man hussy yeah i think is in i think they're involved in some capacity but uh taz and i will be hosting on the 25th i have a feeling i have a feeling i'll be there i feel like i will be there or on the show possibly on the show possibly um saves me booking someone um and also if we're plugging that far down the road in september the first weekend in September, I will be in Victoria at a club called Heckler's.

More on that later. But really, if you do want to write in to us, it is stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. Check out the blog that Dave does that accompanies this podcast very, very nicely each and every week at stoppodcastyourself.blogspot.com. And our phone number, if you wish to reach us, is 206-339-8328. And thank you very much for listening. If you enjoyed the podcast,

tell your friends and spread the message. That's how we help it grow. And join us here next week. We don't know who is joining us. Like I know who it is. I don't. Join us next week. Join us next week for another enthralling episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Thank you.