Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 820 - Michael Balazo

Episode Date: December 5, 2023

Comedian Michael Balazo returns to talk comedy books, A Few Good Men, and more queen pranks. Plus an impromptu round of Celebrity Crush Hat.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka and he's Graham Clark and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 820 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark. With me as always is a man who we were just talking about it and we both agree that a mini Coke is the right size of Coke. Mr. Dave Shumka. Yeah, it's a mini Coke. I usually have one a week, but I'm doubling my dose this week for you guys just to bring a little bit of crazy energy to the show

I love it I don't know that I necessarily feel caffeine makes me crazy like I don't feel that way when other people are like people are legendarily reactive to foods

I ate Mexican food you know what that means oh I had a cup of coffee that's part of the human condition dave well for me it's like uh hey man it's it's it all goes in the body it all comes out the body it's the rest is none of my business our guest today uh returning guest to the podcast, very funny comedian, has a brand new album out called Michael One Comedy Zero. It's Michael Belazzo. Hello. Hey, guys.

How's it going? Good. How are you? I'm doing well. I don't have cola, but I have some flavored sparkling lime water I'm going to have. Oh, nice. And it's big. It's a big bottle, not like a little tiny can of cola. Yeah, nice. And it's big. It's a big bottle,

not like a little tiny can of cola. Yeah, yeah. Is it glass? Is it plastic? What do we got? It's plastic, so I'm hurting Mother Earth, but I'm satisfying my thirst,

so we all win. Yeah. Oh, look at him take a big pull of that thing. You can't take that much of a gulp, I feel like, without coughing. Am I right or am I wrong? I will often choke on anything I'm drinking, a big pull of that thing you can't take that much of a gulp i feel like without coughing am i right or am i wrong i will often choke on anything i'm drinking even once or twice a week i will choke on

my saliva and just out of nowhere it looks like i'm crazy my big thing is i uh i guess underestimate the size of the last drink of anything i'm like oh there's just this much left in the cup and i tilt my head back and i pour the rest of the cup in not bluish but like oh that's my mouth has fallen i've lost my breath and i'm gonna drown i had a thing i was at a masseuse and your head's through the hole and the whole time i was afraid i was gonna drool all over the floor sometimes i do push-ups and then I drool on the floor and if I'm at a public gym then I have to surreptitiously wipe it up so they don't think

there's something wrong with me. When you're doing push-ups, you're looking at a picture of a roast ham. Yeah, for inspiration. And instead of dance music, I just have the sound of sizzling meat in my air buds oh man should we get to know us yes

michael you are not only a fantastic comedian you are one of the co-hosts of the fantastic podcast evil men which is a if you haven't heard it out there people this is a it's a must listen it's a funny every week they talk about new evil man every week and except last week because that was a woman it was a lady and it was our special guest jackie pirica who i believe you two know yeah she broke all the rules she brought a lady to evil men oh yeah it's me and james hartnett and chris lock the funny comedians every week we uh we invented the format of looking at a bad person from history and really laying into them um i was gonna say before jackie did that i was like oh we should start a rival podcast called good girls and it's just about we write we listen we you know uh uh you know uh give a read the wikipedia article about mother

who do you say mona lisa no mother teresa i thought you said mona lisa we but we would do it alphabetically we would do linda Carter. We do Linda Cardellini. This week, we look at the Virgin Mary. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's almost two years you've been doing it. Is that right? Something like that. Yeah, it seems longer, I will say, because I'm the one who edits them all,

and so they get to walk away when we're done, and then I sit with it with it and i perfect it and i craft the sounds and i uh i have to do all that but it's yeah about about two years of non-stop uh potting yeah you have to do uh that stuff uh i can relate uh you got this guy who just walks away walks away throw a cigarette over my shoulder listen to it burn down your house usually sends me a picture of him at the beach while i'm toiling away doing one of these yeah um michael who is the evilest man you've done um it might have been the first episode jeffrey dahmer he's he's not a nice guy but also we

did an episode on some guy who had created he invented two awful things and now they're escaping me but he was an inventor. Roomba? Was it Ron Popeil? It's Ron Popeil he invented the Roomba and the flashlight and he made life worse

for everybody. I've never tried one of those things. I've never even heard of one. I don't even know how to Google it. Do you think they thought they were being so clever by calling it the flashlight? Yeah. Like, they thought, like, this is hilarious. Because it looks like a flashlight, right?

Yeah. Yeah. But it doesn't light up. No. Some of them, I think, could have made it any shape. They could have made it like a box or something. It doesn't have to be light. But isn't the...

Why is there so much stigma around sex toys for men that we can't... I can't just walk into a store and buy six of these things but like isn't the I bought six of them but I'm on like a bandolera but isn't there like a handheld

like the way you you know grip a flashlight like doesn't that come in handy with this thing yeah in a basement somewhere if you're running away from people it's easy to hold while you're running i wonder if the guy who invented the flashlight was like after like years and years of just trying to jerk off with an actual flashlight and just like bruising his penis all over and over again he was

like hold on a second what if well yeah hold the phone if i take the batteries out oh that spring is really grabbing me at the top yeah uh what's your both of you uh what's your favorite battery i love the sleekness and the smallness and the power of a AAA. Yeah, it's pretty ubiquitous. I like the design of a 9-volt. Oh. Yeah, oh. Nice. And I love the feeling.

Yeah, clicking it in? No, putting it on my tongue. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was the fun thing to do. Ever seen those guys who love D? D batteries? The D battery guys? What the hell?

What the hell's wrong with those guys? batteries the d battery guys what the hell what the hell's wrong with those guys um yeah i have an old radio from my grandfather and it takes uh type s batteries what it's i don't know i can i couldn't tell you what shape or size or round what country can you get them from? Is it a Cyrillic alphabet? Ever since the Russia-Ukraine war, the world's supply of S batteries has been really in trouble. We use them to power our radios. Don't you understand? We need them.

I have a shower radio that's got Ds in it. And if we ever have like a natural disaster that's my go-to radio oh sure yeah in a disaster you're gonna run into the shower and turn it on and listen for updates well i mean aren't you supposed to go take a shower during a tornado or something drink a tornado take a shower well because there's lots of debris floating around and you get all dusty and stuff so yeah yeah that's true yeah you want to stay nice and clean um uh both dave and i have been on evil men uh if i recall correctly dave you did uh gene simmons yeah and i did uh pierce morgan was my evil man two british rock legends

um and my favorite thing was at the end you ranked them one out of ten who you know how evil are they and you gave pierce morgan a 10 which i thought was uh evil are they and you gave pierce morgan a 10 which i thought was uh i think i gave him and chevy chase worse than like um john wayne gacy and like charles manson or something i think chevy chase was just misunderstood i think do you follow him on instagram i do and he just posts it's shocking when you see a picture, like a recent picture of him, because he's, he's just so old. He's trying to be silly. And when an old, old man who's like, you're afraid is looking frail, tries to be like, do physical comedy.

It like makes you like nervous. Yes. Yeah. Like a baby at the top of the stairs. Yeah. He was Gerald Ford on Saturday Night Live. He was great. Uh, did put no costume on

didn't change his hair at all or anything would just fall off something while he was trimming the tree and he did wasn't a gag he would be asleep and his alarm went off and then he'd pick up a glass of water and it was splashed on his head

was that a shitty chase? that sounds familiar but you know what i can't argue with the vacation movies no no flawless yeah but then the rest of his body of work is uh well i mean do you have you michael have you seen chevy jace's uh talk show i remember when it was on seeing like one episode and i've seen clips on YouTube and I know it was famously like it was canceled after like a week or something. It like ruined his career for a bit and like knocked his confidence. There was.

So he was the band leader on his own show and he would turn like he'd be facing the audience and then he turned to the side and start playing piano. And that was a very sort of revolutionary. People weren't ready for that kind of thing back then. Yeah, people weren't ready for that from a 55-year-old man. And then Graham knows this. We've talked about our favorite clip where he has Goldie Hawn on the show. Yeah. And it's Goldie Hawn's son's birthday.

And he's on the show. It's Goldie Hawn's son's birthday. He's in the audience. There's an Oliver Hudson, the actor from Nashville now. Then he was like a teenager. It's his birthday and the band starts playing and Chevy Chase is

dancing around. Doing the twist and stuff. They bring out a cake for him and drop it on him. Yeah, the humor was too revolutionary for the pre-9-11 world. Yeah, and that's when we needed it most, was the post-9-11

world. America needs to laugh again. The day of 9-11, the network should have just brought his show back. Good news, everybody. We interrupt this news broadcast for the chevy chase show on all networks tonight the moment the second plane hits on all networks it's gonna be like the emergency broadcast system except great yeah uh mom i'm worried chevy chase is on every channel he'll get us through this son yeah we'll go listen to the radio in the shower um you also i believe i don't know if this public knowledge but you you've been back and forth to

the uk many times during the evil men uh run so yeah pretty public knowledge if they yeah i guess so i just said i don't know if you're kicked out of there now if that was your last time going over no no no it's good you brought this up i'd like to clear the air have it out in the open i have london fever and i keep going back and it's because my girlfriend suze kempner lives over there and so um we're having a really fun cool convenient inexpensive long distance relationship the best kind if he has me it's good when every date costs you basically like we're going out tonight it's a thousand dollars thousand dollars um do you enjoy london or is it just you only go there just for her and the rest of it is nonsense i am a toronto guy through and through no london rules i love london it's so

amazing um and uh i wish i could spend more time there uh have either of you been you must have been oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i uh i went to uh to go to a festival that folded the day before i got there because their primary sponsor pulled out oh no so then i was just in london by myself during the olympics so did you get to go to all of the games all of the sports yeah i got into all of them i was holding up john 316 at all of them and uh whenever i came on the jumbo train everybody cheered and then i was just in like uh the olympic park area like east london stratford recently um because my girlfriend suze was doing a show there and I had the day to sort of explore while she was rehearsing

and I found the, there's a pub, that's the original pub where the band Iron Maiden first formed and like played their first gigs. And so I went to it and my goal was like, I'm going to take some pictures of this pub because it's like, I went to the website and it's like totally decorated with Iron Maiden memorabilia and like gold discs and like pictures. you care about iron maiden i like them enough like as a

fun like i've seen them once and they put on a great show but i'm not like a metal guy but my brothers are more so and so i thought like i'll go take all these pictures of the pub and i got there and i was like the only person there and i was immediately just intimidated by the bartender so i just sat there by myself and took like one picture only person there and I was immediately just intimidated by the bartender so I just sat there by myself and took like one picture in the bathroom and then left there's somebody taking pictures in the bathroom get in there bouncer

is the theme is it that's the only thing it's known for, this pub? Like, did no other band get their start there? I mean, I looked at, they do have like a back room where music, like where bands still play. But a lot of the bands are Iron Maiden cover bands or metal bands. And they do have a pub quiz, which I assume is all just like questions about iron maiden every week forever do you think that they avoid that pub like to go back and the old stomping grounds

and like they stay away from that pub because it's too iron maideny the all i saw was like during the olympics some of the band members came back to the pub but that was like 17 years ago i don't know the weird thing was when i was there during the olympics there was like a whole media campaign saying like stay out of downtown london like core london right and so i all the trains were empty so you could just get on and you could lie down on the train and nobody bug you because everybody just like stayed home yeah stay out of core london core blimey um the uh my last i had to take two business trips to london in 2019 and 2020 like at the very beginning of 2020 that reminds me of ted lasso you're like ted lasso yeah it was sort of they needed uh someone with uh north american vibes to uh write a tv commercial no a web commercial for like i don't know if i'm allowed to say what it

was for uh but i uh yeah we had two trips over there and it uh like then the pandemic hit and for the first like six months of the pandemic, I just like imagined being in London. Like I remembered it so fondly because it was my last like fun thing I did. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. It's a great place to tour around because there's like a million things to go see.

And all the galleries, I think, are all free. All the national galleries and stuff. I think they are. Museums. Yeah. I think are all free all the national galleries and stuff I think they are museums yeah I went to see Death of a Salesman when I was there starring what was his name John Cleese no it was a guy from

The Wire it was like Bunk from The Wire Bunk is that his name yeah the cop guy Wendell Pierce and he was he was he was the main low, uh, he was, he was the main Loman.

Yeah. Um, was it good? I can't remember. Did you say it was good or not? Huh? Yeah. Was it?

That's a good question. I mean, it was so cool to go. Yeah. Yeah. It's just nice to see a play no matter what it is or who's in it. Just the form is amazing. Yeah.

Do you enjoy? No, it was fine. Do you enjoy plays? Dave doesn't like plays. And yet I'm going to more and more than ever before. Is that right? Yeah. Yeah.

You know, family theater. Oh, yeah, like the Panto? You going to the Panto this year? Going to the Panto. I went to, a few weeks ago, we went to Dog Man, family theater. Oh, yeah, like the Panto? You going to the Panto this year? Going to the Panto. I went to, a few weeks ago, we went to Dog Man the musical. Okay. Dog Man. Which is, it's based on a series of graphic novels.

And then we're supposed to go, there's a local production of Elf the musical. Oh, yeah. Which we, fortunately, they let you exchange your tickets if everyone in your family is sick for weeks on end. So I've had to exchange them twice so far, but we hopefully will go this week. Nice. That's nice. What was the last play you saw, Michael?

The last play I saw. Or the last play that you enjoyed, I guess, is the other. The last play I enjoyed? I don't know. I can't even. I mean, the last thing I can remember, and this was going back a bit, Christopher Plummer did a one-man show called Barrymore, where he played, I think, Lionel or John Barrymore from the acting dynasty.

And I brought my mom. I think it might have been like a birthday gift or mother's day and i bought her tickets and i brought her and i absolutely sitting beside her fell asleep during christopher plumber's triumphant performance i fall asleep at every play i go to i i saw that play it was really good he talked it was a lot of stuff about my granddaughter better not be in a movie with an alien with a light up finger i can't believe he said that that's crazy that he said that that granddaughter of mine better not get on david letterman's desk and flash him the so when during my last trip to london i i got to see my girlfriend do a song in a in a west end

show which was amazing oh cool and so i got to get a tour of the backstage and like a stagehand was like yeah this theater like for 11 years there was a show called michael jackson live here and it was a like a michael jackson experience where they had a live band and i guess different michaels through the ages doing all the hits and it sold out for 11 years but they were like yeah it was like the most misbehaved audience in the history of like live theater they were like people would come in drunk they would bring fish and chips to the michael jackson show and like stand up and dance and eat fish and chips they're like people would just get up in the middle of the show and go to the corner of the theater and take a piss. Michael Jackson fans.

What? Oh, man. I had no problem with any of that until the pissing, but I was like, yeah, it's not a play where you have to be serious. You can eat fish and chips. Bring in your own fish and chips from outside. Oh, jean is on i don't like this song um this i'll be over in the corner taking a piss until it's over yeah it's the play with the scrawniest bouncers in town yeah go ahead sir when they're not on stage the michael jacksons have to

work the crowd and make sure everything's cool uh no outside food allowed get out of my way beat it punk beat it indeed um yeah it's uh i think the last play i saw was beetlejuice the musical and you know what it was amazing it was fantastic is everything i hoped it would be And you know what? It was amazing. It was fantastic. It was everything I hoped it would be.

Was it in Vancouver? No, on Broadway. I saw it on Broadway. Oh, New York City. Yes, yeah, the Big Apple, you know what I mean? Just being there. If you feast off the energy of the city, do you know what I mean? Just walk around, it just pumps you up, you know?

It's sort of like it's got a personality of its own it's like the fifth woman it's like the fifth woman I've seen many Broadway shows in my time in high school a bunch of like my brother

and a couple friends did the typical teenage boy thing we're like we're going to new york city to see five spectacular broadway musicals and we saw nathan lane in a funny thing happened on the way to the forum and we saw was that with um uh nathan lane and mark lynn baker mark lynn baker and we got i think Mark Lynn Baker. And we got, I think, both of their autographs. We got Cousin Larry's autograph. And then we saw... Did you have to sign it Cousin Larry?

Yeah, we were like, don't... Mark Lynn Baker. And then in parentheses, Cousin Larry. And then we were like, could you cross out Mark Lynn Baker and put an arrow pointing to Cousin Larry? Could you put... Actually, could you put Bronson Pinchot? And I think Ernie sabella who played either but played like the boss on perfect strangers was in that as well and we saw jerry lewis

in the broadway musical damn yankees and he was awful and kept corpsing didn't seem to know his lines and they built in a section of the show that had nothing to do with the plot it's like it's not in the script of the show for him to do his classic jerry lewis bits like his mime typewriter thing i was gonna say did he do the typewriter because yeah that is that is so well done and going like lady or whatever but he did the typewriter thing apropos of nothing in the middle of a broadway musical now the last time you were on you you had an album out it was very funny album well that was two times ago oh two times ago okay you had uh said on the album that you were part of a choir and that was just a made-up that was not true and graham graham your graham's first question during that i was so stoked about it so you you're part of a choir tell us about

that and you michael looked very uncomfortable but you're like yeah i am like you didn't know if graham was leading you into a bit or i was terrified you really believe you but one of the things on there that i was going to ask is, did you actually go and see all these musicals in New York? Absolutely did. And there you go. As a teen. And it didn't do wonders for my reputation with the ladies.

It didn't create an air of mystery that I had hoped would happen. Did you come back to school wearing the merch? Yeah. I was like hey girls what are you doing saturday night and i have my guys and dolls sweatshirt on and then the other thing that's a part of that same bit is that you were this is what he just did talking about these plays this is from his new album yeah yeah there's a track where that happens on the new album and then that same track you, you talk about having, I think, a Dixieland jazz band in high school.

So I wasn't a hit with the ladies. And part of it might have been because I went to Broadway. And part of it might have been because I founded the school's first ever Dixieland jazz band. to the school's first ever Dixieland jazz band and that didn't like turn heads and get like the girls like you know rushing to go on a date with me yeah

now and did you play an instrument? the weird thing is I didn't no I played nobody noticed you were just like I mean this school just needs one. We just need a Dixieland jazz band. In an abstract way, we need one.

No, I played trombone. Now, what are the components of a Dixieland jazz band? So I think it's like trombone, trumpet, probably two, like the sousaphone, a drum of some sort. And I think it's like a marching band often. So it's like, and like a clarinet probably clarinet yeah now did you see the woody allen documentary wild men blues and did that inspire you yeah i did during one of these trips new york look up like hey are we here in town when woody allen's playing jazz on monday nights at the whatever fucking hotel he is at or or he misses the Oscars.

But sadly never, never saw him live. The stupidest reason to miss the Oscars. It's, it's like, Oh, I had to stay home and watch something on television. That's not the Oscars.

So I'm not showing up to win my award. But you know what? He's, I'm glad when they made a documentary about him, it was about his music. Yeah. And I bet the Oscars feel like absolute fools now that they miss getting to have him more at the Oscars.

Yeah, fair enough, fair enough. Because his best work, sadly, might be behind him. Oh, I don't think so. I think once he hit his stride at 80, he will still be playing a, somebody that, uh, dates,

uh, you know, who, who would be the ingenue that he would be dating. Zendaya. You think that just as like a hail Mary, he's his next movie will be like, ah,

Annie Hall too. Just to get people back to see his movies. And then he has to be under intense de-aging. They have to do all the CGI on him. Diane Keaton, not so much. She looks great.

She looks great. In that movie in Annie Hall, there's like a few jokes about him being red-headed. Yeah. And I guess the film stock was so grainy and back then, but I was like, if you say so, I don't see a redhead there. But what a film,

you know, it's hard to separate the artist from the art when he's playing himself in every film. Did you, were you, uh, artist from the art when he's playing himself in every film. Um, did you, were you, uh, did I see wild man blues in theater?

Yes, I did. Did you see it in the theater? Yes, I did. Were you on a date or did you go solo like everyone else in the theater? No, I was in there.

I was on a date with, uh, I had two chicks on both arms, two clarinets, one in each side of your mouth. Did you ever, did you grow up watching Woody Allen films? I did. I watched them when I was a kid and I thought

they were hilarious. My parents watched them and I always would I never sat down to watch them with them but I just regarded them as like what are what are these it's like they seem just like boring dramas about people who are married but when i was a teen getting into movies i was like oh yeah manhattan and radio days and annie holland whatever are great stardust memories also great but i yeah i I remember when I started stand-up, I watched a bunch because I was like, oh, he's a famous comedian who made his way into movies and we share a birthday. Oh, nice.

You can celebrate both. But you also only get one present for both, which is a rip-off. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You guys get another present for Woody Allen's birthday? Woody Allen's birthday, yeah. That's what we celebrate in my house. But you haven't modeled yourself after Woody Allen's birthday? Woody Allen's birthday, yeah. That's what we celebrated in my house. But you haven't modeled yourself after Woody Allen in other ways, right?

Like aside from comedy and birthdays and stuff. I didn't really model myself like I'm in comedy. I was like, yeah, he's a famous guy. You know what? I liked his books. Yeah, I liked his books too. I was going to say the book's really funny. Without Feathers and what was the other one getting even and side effects and sign language really good as in sign language and leading with my chin

uh oh i remember as a kid when sign language came out i wanted it so bad and then they had it at costco and they had thousands and thousands of them. Oh yeah. How many of those like comedian books did you read? All of them. Even, uh, Kelsey Grammer is so far. Did you read John Stewart's naked pictures of famous people?

I did. And I read Steve Martin's pure drivel. Yeah. And the pleasure of my company, I think was one of them. And, uh, uh, what's the one of steve martin's novellas shop girl yes shop girl or his play picasso at the lapin as jail or whatever

it's called i also saw that so i feel like i'm and i also have his like one of his banjo albums okay i as a kid you know before anyone knew anything like everyone i was a big bill cosby fan but as a kid as like an eight or nine year old i remember taking out of the calgary library his book fatherhood and like a book about like how to be a good husband and stuff like that and i would read them they were more sort of like self-help books than in comedy books but i did i did read them and then your early comedy style was self-help kind of thing like hey you guys should all believe in yourself and you can do it if you try lift your heads up and pull your pants up audience yeah um yeah i uh what's the other one drew Carey had one that was kind of a memoir.

Oh, dirty jokes and beer or something. Yeah. But, uh, it wasn't really like I wanted what sign language was. I wanted to read in print. There are things that I'm like,

did I read that book or did we just have it? And I saw it a hundred times and never picked it up. Like we had Ellen DeGeneres is my point. And I do have one. I've read that one. I have one here. Maybe you guys have heard of it. It's Henny Youngman's big book of insults. It's a small book.

That's amazing. Which is the funniest thing. What can you, uh, can we get a couple, uh, Henny Youngman's best and now henny youngman you guys don't mind me insulting he's uh take my wife please yes do you want um insults about looks

or insults about um personal attacks uh i'm gonna go with looks okay looks yeah because i hate personal attacks uh Here's one. You look like a side dish that nobody ordered. And there's a picture of him in a tuxedo, proud of that joke. Giving a thumbs up. Yeah. He, of course, being very handsome and above these, like, no one could make these jokes about him. How about this?

You're as pretty as a picture and you should be hung. So he in the death penalty and yeah you know times have changed since but also it's it's hanged and so he sees that you should be hung he's referring to your genitals yeah he's probably meant that joke for milton burl right he's notorious yeah so he he was known for smoking a cigar, Milton Berle, and having a big, gigantic penis, famously. And my brother and I have wondered for years if at any point in his life he ever got confused and accidentally lit the end of his penis, mistaking it for his cigar, and tried to smoke his own penis.

Yeah, because he's like, I'm famous for both of these things, so which one do I light? to smoke his own penis. He's like, I'm famous for both of these things, so which one do I like? It's like Richard Gere is famous for two things. And he was like,

do I put pretty woman up my butt and star in a gerbil? The hamster? Yeah. I have in a journal hamster uh yeah it's um i have uh milton burrell's big it's called his private joke file and but he was like famously a joke thief so it's uh but i got that you know where i got that book where costco they have thousands of copies of this milton bur joke book. Costco start off its life as a comedy bookstore, then it gradually expanded into a grocery store. And yeah.

That was, yeah, I would just like hang out in the, if we went to the bookstore when we were at the mall, I guess I would just go ahead straight for the humor section. And the humor section was always like 90% collections of comic strips. Or Dave Barry books.

Endless Dave Barry books. Do you guys remember Irma Bomback? I feel like her books showed up at the garage sale circuit. Doesn't ring a bell. She wrote humorous essays about being... I have The Joy of Cooking by Irma Rombauer.

Close. You know what? We'll accept that. The judges will accept that. Yeah. She was always, you could get her book at every garage sale and you could get Nana Muscuri's album at every.

Sure. Those were the two like standbys you could always count on the record i always see any used record store or like a garage sale there will be like multiple copies of an art garfunkel solo album called justice for breakfast people bought a robe in that i think he's in a kitchen drinking coffee or something. It's not a great album cover. I think it sounds cool. I mean, me too. I always buy it whenever I see it.

I have like 30 copies of it. Are you at all a record guy or anything like that? I am. Or a cell dude? I have a collection of like 250 LPs and a bunch of 45s, but I haven't had a turntable for like two and a half years now. So I either have to get one or maybe sell my records. I'm not sure, but I don't want to. Are they rare records or are they?

Some of them are, but yeah. Are they mostly music or comedy? Mostly music. I'm going to have to, to, um, it's not justice for breakfast by art Garfunkel. It's fate for breakfast.

Fate for breakfast. Sorry. Much more broody. Weirdly. I'm looking up the album cover to see, uh, if he's in a robe eating breakfast, he is,

uh, but he, he made six different album covers for it. That they're all just different poses eating breakfast. And you have to, you collect them all and then you put them together and it's a poster of art gold sitting on a toilet.

I think the rarest one of the six is the one where he's bent over and spreading his entire anus open. That was a weird choice for him. Yeah. And that was the most successful one.'s that's the not even the rare one now if i still worked at cbc music i would put together some kind of quiz about 70s singer songwriter albums with the singer in a robe it would be this it would be nelson schmilson and i would have to come up with a third one otherwise this would not uh fly would

there be like some some kind of druid uh type oh that kind of robe yeah i need bathrobe oh bathrobe i don't know there must be a 70s eric clapton album where he was just like lying in bed in a robe because he was uh out of his mind on heroin yeah i. I'm sure there's more, I guess this isn't the time to Google every singer songwriter from the seventies. Well, let's do it alphabetically. Al Stewart. You know,

you're not going to start with Aaron Neville. Is that, was he a seventies guy or an 80s guy, Aaron Neville? Well, I don't know much, but I think of him as an 80s guy. Okay. Love that face tattoo. Was that a tattoo? No.

Was it? On Aaron Neville? He's got a dagger tattooed on his face. He does? He also has a mole. That's what I thought you were talking about. I thought you were saying that the mole was a tattoo. But he has a knife on his face. maybe i'm into aaron neville maybe i think he's

super cool maybe he got is it a knife why didn't he call himself knife face instead of aaron neville that's a good question actually you know there's a rapper now called blue face that just has a bunch of blue tattooed on his face? Is that true? Yeah. And you know what? He loves Avatar. His favorite film.

He raps about it all the time. Actually, yeah. And I don't know if that's why his name is that. But let's hear it for Blueface. I'll pick up his biography from uh costco sure it's mostly dirty jokes um dave what's going on with you man oh my god you guys so i've uh i've uh been sick um i've been we had to cancel two in-person podcasts oh no uh because um of well i'll say it strep throat strap and the kissing disease yeah strep throat that i and also croup as well someone in the house had croup jesus which

is a thing you're not supposed to get after age six uh but we're getting it we're getting it all so group one person group or everybody gets group one person group uh and i believe strep throat well only one person confirmed strep throat but i believe i also had strep throat yeah i talked like this for about four days it hurts a lot right i remember getting it as a kid and i like it was like hell to swallow yeah it's hell to swallow um but uh yeah so i uh uh we we rescheduled this and we were luckily able to get uh michael virtually yeah through the power of the internet yes and uh but uh so i've just been doing very little but what i did do i've been trying to kind of like watch movies that were grown-up movies when from when i was a kid that i just

never caught triple x kind of stuff no sir uh i because i told you a few weeks ago i watched um uh cape fear oh yeah i didn't really enjoy but you tell me i'm wrong uh and i watched the vampire one uh bram stoker's dracula oh yeah which which is I also didn't really enjoy but it was uh hornier than I thought it would be yeah yeah and it's in Gary Oldman like several different costumes in it or at least yeah yeah he's in a robe eating breakfast with Art Carvongal Tom Waits is in that isn't he as a man a crazy man imagine yeah he is he's he plays uh tom wait's looking guy and then but the thing i watched this week which i was like i've always heard that like rob reiner everyone talks about how rob reiner in the 80s and 90s was on this tear and he made like his first eight movies

he made were all classics yeah and i've seen of them, but one that I had never seen before I watched, it is called A Few Good Men. Oh, I forgot that he was. He directed that? Yeah. Oh, shit. For sure, that's a film for adults. There's no way a kid would get through a legal drama starting Jack Nicholson.

Kid's favorite, Jack Nicholson. And it is Jack Nicholson is in two scenes in the whole movie. And who else? It's Tom Cruise and somebody. Tom Cruise, Demi Moore, Kevin Bacon,

Don Knotts, Kiefer Sutherland Oh really And you know I think Noah Wiley's in it for a scene Did you like it? I think I've yeah I've never seen it The more you describe it the less I think I've seen it Um I

It's also written by Speaking of plays This was originally a play written by aaron sorkin i thought you were gonna say aaron neville i'd be like come on now you can't handle the face tattoo um and it is uh did i like it it's very there's some things about the 90s that are just so the so very 90s yes um and tom cruise being like this cool dude that like uh he can't play that kind of character anymore who's like a uh just a suave good-looking young guy yeah I think he can. Oh, okay.

Has he been on evil men? Not yet, but we might, we might do it. Oh, he'd be a good contender. Uh, but,

uh, the music is very synthesizer-y in a way that, uh, like, cause I'm like, oh, this is when I saw it, I was like,

I think this was nominated for best picture. Maybe like the same year that Goodfellas was. Oh, really? Shit. Maybe a year after that. But it was... I was like, oh, Goodfellas doesn't seem dated. And maybe the Best Pictures from this time

aren't dated, but it was very dated. Yeah. Everyone's really good in it. What is the court route like what is the legal case about did tom cruise yeah he's a soldier man yeah so he's like this hot shot attorney who's doing he's got to be uh his dad was a navy guy or marine or whatever and so he's a uh he's doing like three years of navy law before he goes to be like a rich attorney. The case is that like someone,

do you know what a code red is? Basically they were, somebody was supposed to be, uh, was like beaten up by other, uh, soldiers be, uh, was like beaten up by other, uh, soldiers because they, because he was like telling on,

I don't know. It doesn't sound like, so it's like a kid trying to make it up, uh, you know, book report style. So these, these two soldiers were told to beat up this one soldier because he was like trying to get a transfer away uh and um he

uh so they beat him up but he died and they were like went too far yeah but like were they were these so these two guys who killed him were on trial, but Tom Cruise is like, they only killed him because they were told to beat him up, and everyone else is like, that's not the truth. There's no truth there, and if there was, you wouldn't be able to handle it. So did Jack Nicholson order the killing because he wanted to see a Lakers game? Yeah, that's what it was the director couldn't get him to take off his sunglasses it also takes place at guantanamo bay does it really yeah but the weirdest thing for me is like it's so complicated and the fact that it

was written as a play by aaron sorkin when he was like 26 or something that's like it seems like i couldn't have written a thing like that when i was 26 like i don't understand now really how drama works and i'm 43 too oh it has uh by the time this episode comes out i think woody allen's birthday has uh passed so i'll be 43 happy birthday both of you thanks um but it's like yeah it's it's a very grown-up thing that aaron sorkin wrote this thing in his 20s the uh i just watched a movie on netflix from the 90s and it was michael douglas and gwyneth paltrow and uh vigo mortensen and it was called the perfect murder and it's uh oh it's so steamy it's a 90s steamy flick uh who's steamy in it

vigo vigo and vigo and gwyneth are are cheating on what's that steamo mortensen no we heard you What's that? Steamo Mortensen. No, we heard you. But yeah, it's if you like that kind of exactly what you're talking about, like a 90s drama with kind of like an 80s kind of score, you know?

That's the movie for you it's based on dial him for murder and apparently very loosely so in that they both have a murder and a phone um yeah i really like uh i don't know how i feel about these 90s movies if i'm gonna keep watching them um well you know if'm going to keep watching them. Well, you know, if you're going to keep watching them, check out this Perfect Mirror. Yeah, sure. Because I was alive in the 90s and I watched a lot of movies,

but I was mostly trying to see Sharon Stone's boobs. Well, it's that scene in Basic Instinct where she uncrosses her legs and you see her boobs. well it's that scene in basic instinct where she uncrosses her legs and you see her boobs i couldn't make heads or tails of those things yeah but uh uh what are the top 90s boob scenes well i, I gotta go pull Mrs. Doubtfire's boobs catching up on her. Yeah, that's up in the high rank. Was there something in the Flintstones?

Was that possible? You know, headrest? I think Secret of the Ooze, the second Ninja Turtles movie, is mostly topless. Yeah, Raphael really had a swinging pair. What's your guy's favorite turtle?

Be honest. Honestly, I was so happy that the coolest, partying-est Ninja Turtle had my name. I was always like, yes, Michelangelo. I am a party dude. I was too afraid to go to parties until I was 19. What did you think would happen at these parties when you were a teen? I think I was just, because of my high school experience,

I didn't get a lot of invitations to parties. It's probably more of the real what happened there. Different types of jazz were being played at these parties and you were strictly Dixieland. I won't attend the bebop party thank you very much speaking of ninja turtles um the uh i was also scared of parties but i also wasn't invited to any but i remember when i was like i don't know eight eight or nine, our next-door neighbor's parents went away, and they threw a huge party,

and it was, like, people smoking, people smoking pot. It was the first time I smelled pot. There were people, like, peeing in our yard from their party. Cool. And then, like, there was... Someone smashed their front window. The cops showed up, and that was enough to scare me off parties forever? And then like there was someone smashed their front window. The cops showed up and that was enough to scare me off parties forever. Holy shit.

That sounds awesome. Everything about that sounds great. Did the person with somebody arrested? Did anybody get? Yeah. Arrested and tried for murder of a window. I don't think, I think it's just the kind of thing where your neighbors call in a

noise complaint and the cops show up and everyone runs away. Yeah, and then the cops do shots because all the teens have left all their booze. Yeah, we had super troopers in our town, so yeah, it was a lot of that. Yeah, I wasn't friends with the cool kids but uh the friend group that i was part of just regularly had parties amongst ourselves there was no like you know

in the movies like somebody throws a party and all these strangers show up and there's a band playing sometimes and that i feel like never happens in a real full of beer yeah oh yeah when you say you and your friends had parties how many people like i think there was about 10 10 or 12 of us maybe okay but it was just that was it would be that group there was no other people that could uh could come in except maybe like a girlfriend or a boyfriend they they would be able to what about what is the like um the threshold between like well we're just hanging out and this is a party is it six people is it eight people i think it's just our parents there or are they not there that's if they're not there party time usa their parents are

there and they're like we we just want you to drink around us instead of uh going out and drinking we just want you to drink around us instead of going out and drinking on a farm or wherever. Did you grow up near enough farms to drink on? They weren't far. I mean, you could drive to one if you really wanted to go. No, everybody would drink down by the lake.

They would have a, or the river rather. They'd go down the river in the forest. Oh good. Yeah. It's very Huckleberry Finn, the picture you're painting. Yeah. We get on a raft.

It was a different time, you guys. It was a different time. It was a different vibe. But at the end of the year, somebody would make a bonfire, and everybody would throw all their textbooks and such into the fire. Even though you weren't supposed to. You were supposed to return those textbooks. Now, Graham, in the winter, it's very cold there yeah do people party outdoors in the winter do teenagers

oh that's a really good question actually because i don't i don't know but i feel like yes i've got to say yes because uh it's you get used to the cold and it's's dry. It's a dry cold, you know? I remember I used to party out in the very cold in the winter, and it was very embarrassing. I was with my boyfriend, who was kind of a jerk, and my uncle, who was taking care of us. What was his name? He had a very shabby car. Did he look like Gerard Depardieu?

Was it funny? No, that was my father, the hero. Uh, this guy was more my uncle. He had made a big pancake for my little brother's birthday. Uh,

told my, uh, uh, sister's, uh, principal to have her mole removed. Uh, but mostly I remember him.

What did he come by with a big drill and scare my boyfriend at this party yeah didn't he did he have him in the back of his car or did he murder him or i feel like that just faded to black and then i think he murdered him yeah yeah okay cool uncle it was uncle buck guys uncle. A movie that made $4 billion when it was released. True. I remember being a kid and seeing the poster in the lobby of a movie theater and just thinking to myself, I'll never see that fucking movie. Really? Yeah. Because the cover of it was him on one side of a door and then a family like leaning up against the door.

And I was just like this that looks so fucking terrible you were like why don't these people want john candy i want him yeah i want him to be my uncle that pancake that i feel like that left an impression on a lot of people the giant cake i remember watching that a couple years ago and thinking, oh, I guess they didn't fix people's teeth for movies back then. Maybe using Peter Jackson's technology, they can go back and redo John Candy's teeth. Wouldn't that be good? That would be great.

Also, you never see in movies I feel like, unless it's a real skeezy character you don't see a character with like big hairy arms anymore like i feel like in the 70s and 80s you could watch uh like a police procedural and the the guys would have hairy arms and hairy yeah yeah but then monk came along and they were like cover up those sleeves tony shalhoub very buttoned down that monk uh tony soprano had harry i guess that's true but he was a bad guy he was bad oh sure i was just trying to think of the era of a good guy that would have hairy arms now i'm thinking is there a history of good guys with hairy arms in the 80s i'm thinking of like sean connery maybe tom selleck uh oh yeah robin williams i mean the most roles were oh it didn't

come hairier than robin that's true yeah he wrote about that in his note also about the arm hair yeah people don't talk about that but it really bummed him out oh michael's views uh don't reflect the views of this here podcast he's out on his own there okay so i'm i googled um hollywood's hairiest actors oh is the guy who played is chris noth one of them i feel like he was a notable there are too many dave you gotta tell me alf has got to be number one alf that guy's freaking covered hair no it's not even the that there's too many people on the list there's too many lists oh it's a it's a listicle miracle everybody yeah there's 27 here on uh page six is hollywood's

hairiest hunks jason statham uh chuck norris oh yeah jason sudakis he's just it's not his arms though i want arms oh yeah not chest or back is there a thing like like wiki, but just wicky, hairy-armed man. Oh, Dan Hedaya. Who's Dan Hedaya? Oh, you'd know him if you saw him. Was he maybe... Did he play Dick in Dick? Did he play the dad in Clueless? Oh, yes.

Yeah, that guy. Very hairy. Very, very hairy. Yeah. Dave, can you look up who canada's uh canada's hairiest actors are yeah okay do you have do you have uh an actor in mind that you think is probably the hairiest i'm trying to come up with one myself comfior seems like a guy who's got a back and Harry arms. Well, okay.

This is DonaldSutherlandRanker.com. Okay. I did have the word Canada in it. They have Ryan Reynolds at number 16, but I don't buy that. No, he seems like he'd be smooth. But your top ones here on this list are Pete Sampras, the tennis player. The actor?

Yeah. Yeah. Sampras, the tennis player. The actor? Yeah. I remember one time Pete Sampras won the US Open and he was going to be on Letterman that night and he was supposed to be the top guest. But then he got stuck in traffic and the whole show, they're like, Pete Sampras will be

here. And finally, he was like the last guest with two minutes left in the show. And the question David Letterman asked him was, so how's it feel to win the U.S. Open? And he said, pretty goddamn good. And he got bleeped. What a great bit, though.

Yeah, the guy's on his way. It's fantastic. Scott Kahn, Alec Baldwin. Yeah, Scott Kahn for sure. As if Alec Baldwin doesn't have enough problems. He's also too hairy. Yeah. He's got kids running around.

Oh, man. How old is his youngest kid? Is it like two or four? One day old. Oh, God bless him, you know? We need more Baldwins in this world yeah i think we can all agree oh well when you look up hairy chest canada it takes you to etsy.ca where you can get a hairy a t-shirt with a print of a hairy chest on it

anyway it's a picture of paul gross's back it's covered in thick cables of hair yeah that's bruno gerusi oh yeah bruno gerusi good call good call um what is up with you graham uh two things um i went last week i talked about going and seeing the rock and roll band kiss um and like i don't go to a ton of concert it was uh are you kind of a old rock and roll fan michael or are you iron maiden i assumed maybe i am but i never quite got into kiss or the kiss thing i i do think that their best song is their disco one i was really baby yeah um i hadn't planned on it i uh a friend of mine had tickets and uh he was selling two for what the price of one was so i was like okay i'll go see kiss it's their last tour ever and i was i was uh i enjoyed that it was multi-generational that's what i liked the most about as parents are with their kids and some really like senior citizens and uh so it was a fun it was a fun crowd because everybody stood up and that at

a certain point everybody sat down that was that was the great thing about that concert um but then i went the the same week i went to a concert by toronto band the beaches and uh yeah they're a rock and roll outfit touring around the world and uh everybody stood during that one that sucked yeah yeah let me guess no elderly people no it was also very multi-generational which i thought was weird i thought it was going to be all teens but uh nope it was uh the person next to me was a young person the person next to her old person and you bought the tickets because you thought it was gonna be all teens is that correct uh i mean not not officially on the record but uh um what where was this this was at the orpheum

in uh downtown vancouver and uh which is weird because i didn't know they were that big i thought that i'd be in on the ground floor and i see them you know at the at the commodore or whatever club iron maiden played in you know that kind of place yeah um but yeah have either you guys heard of this this rock and roll band i've heard of this outfit yeah i've heard of the beaches yes yes it's um uh women uh women and women in music yes women in songs women in song yeah um which i feel like women in song was a very popular gift from uh somebody to their mother i feel like that i feel like a lot of your mom have a compilation with jewel and sarah mclaughlin why did they stop making it it's uh it's just like big shiny tunes they would they nail it

every year um how many how many women in songs collaboration or uh compilations do we think there were i'm gonna guess there were five i'm gonna guess four i'm gonna guess two two no it's more than two guys oh my god women in songs went up to women in songs 12 wow oh my god that's a lot of women in song that's only in the regular series they also did women in songs of women in song. That's only in the regular series. They also did Women in Songs Beginnings, Women in Songs Beginnings Volume 2, Women in Songs 60s Girl Groups, Women in Songs the 80s, and Women in Songs Christmas.

Women in Song, The Phantom Menace. Yeah. So, yeah, there are women in songs that's correct um but like i saw like uh kiss is like a crazy stage show so i was like this is not gonna live up to it they had a light show in there it was like being at the fucking planetarium it kicked ass so these these girls like yeah you learned something, too. Do you think their lighting guy and their sound guy are also in their 70s? Or do they have younger guys working for them?

Oh, that's a good question. And do they tour around town to town? Or is this just the standard lights that this theater has? I don't know. Right. It'd be cool if they had old roadies who were like 73 years old carrying heavy equipment

and adjusting the lights. And their union so you can't help them no matter what. Well, no matter how they're struggling. But yeah, it was a ton of fun and then speaking of tons of fun imagine that that was an intro to like the world's fattest man or something like that but um for a long while now i'm gonna fill michael in on this my friend alicia tobin and i have had an ongoing thing where we try to surprise each other by

telling each other the queen died. And so this has turned into an ongoing back and forth. I had a doll made of the queen with X's for eyes that I gave to her as a gift. And she's leading the chart. She's like absolutely way out in front. She gave me it like a thing to put your soap in, said the queen died on

it uh she she had it written on a sweatshirt we had an ice cream place and she unbuttoned her jacket and she had queen died on her sweatshirt and she ruined a sweatshirt to do it this was like a nice sweatshirt that she ruined and uh so the coast was clear for a while and then apologize. Do you think you maybe have croup? I might have croup. What are the other symptoms? Well, I don't know. It's mostly a breathing thing.

Okay. Yeah. That's probably what I got then. Go outside, breathe some cold air. Is that the cure for it? It was very weird when doctors, real doctors, give you what seems like old wives' tale advice. Oh, like go to Arizona because the air is nice and dry? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go be by the sea. Did a doctor actually say that? It officially is like cold air is what you need really what yeah like no there's no medication for it it's just cold air i mean there's we got some medication but it was like if it happens again cold air whoa that's yeah that seems uh like a scam i don't know what the scam would be because they're not selling from cold air. From the cold air from, like, lobby. Yeah, that's crazy. Okay. Well, now I know. I don't know if I ever get a croup

just hanging outside. But it doesn't get that cold here. So, was it cold enough? Was the air cold enough here? Oh, it was cold enough, yeah. You don't need, like, Arctic air. Go outside and get hypothermia and frostbite. Yeah.

That's how you hear it. Anyways, she's dominated in this game. I've tried a couple of times to volley back, but she keeps one upping it. It's sort of like you're being beaten and and you're like saying you're like you know no no more more that kind of thing yeah no more no not no no more more more no no more no more um but yeah she she hasn't give up the fight of doing this and so this past week or two weeks ago she did it again she tried a couple different

it was kind of like Pearl Harbor she came in really strong and had a bunch of different things ready and she failed ever because I failed with her like I tried to give her a $20 bill with a dead queen on it and she was like what do you mean no I don't trust you this isn't you don't owe me any

money yeah she can kind of sniff them out that's uh that's the other thing the only way i was able to get that doll to her is because the person who sent it said it was a dog toy so he's able to work around that way so have you had to reset the game now and have to now try and scare each other that the king has died or is the game over as soon as the king dies that's going to reset the game now and have to stop trying to scare each other that the King has died or is the game over? As soon as the King dies, that's going to be the new game for sure. Oh, don't even joke about that.

She's still dead. She's still dead. Uh, so she, Alicia Tobin came in, just had so many of them. So many, she had a written on a,

on a pint of ice cream that she brought she uh tried she wrote on our chalkboard that has like you know call this number or whatever she wrote the queen died on the on the chalkboard then i was like okay those were pretty feeble feeble attempts uh that's it for you for today nice try and then uh i go to use the washroom and she has strung up a whole shower curtain that says the queen died on it oh so uh man yeah she she wins again that was i saw a picture of that and i didn't know how it happened i was like well at least she's not gifting graham a shower curtain just like here's your birthday present and it's also it's a nicer shower curtain than what i have so i'm gonna start using it because uh it's a better

quality so she ruined like an expensive thing it wasn't like a dollar store uh plastic cover so so she's still the champion of the queen died uh yeah she's the oh man i love the smell of a new shower curtain oh yeah wow top five smells top five smells michael what's one of your weird top five smells top five smells um why first of all i want to say dave that was the original line in apocalypse now but they changed it from i love the smell of napalm in the morning. It was supposed to be, yeah, I love a shower curtain. A new funny shower curtain. I love the smell of when you open the oven and it starts

when you're heating up the oven before you've cooked and you can smell all the old smells of food from yesteryear. Yeah, a fry that fell off the tray of fries and burnt. Yeah. And Satsuma soap from the body shop oh i love that also that uh oceanus spray they got at the body shop i think that's how you pronounce

and of course uh tied for number one is uh new shower curtain and new beach ball which are the same smell new beach ball oh yeah that'd be a great air freshener for your car uh new shower curtain smell and everyone would love to like hey can i can you give me a ride i just want to smell your car yeah yeah do you ever wonder what your car smells like and then you you know what it smells like so you're nose blind to it but then your friends get in and they're like fried chicken or something you know what is your car smell like we have abby once brought a rotisserie chicken home from the grocery store and my kids say it still smells of it months later yeah i can see that i could see that michael do you have a car?

You know what your car smells like? I don't have a car, but I'm trying to remember what the last car I was close to smelled like. You should be able to request that on Uber. It was like a car that smells like a bunch of

frickin' fast food. I think it's like a perfumed car or someone who had just been wearing a lot of perfume like an Uber a week or two ago. But some of those guys just do spray cologne in the Uber. Yeah, that's hard to deal with.

For a nice ride. Have you ever been in a car that's just been wet vac'd? It's just been cleaned professionally at like a auto body shop or car wash or something like that. That's a very distinctive smell. I feel like you feel like Christ himself riding a fresh new car down the streets of Toronto. I went to drove. of Toronto. I once drove, I was, when I was working

at CBC, it must have been because I, I wouldn't have paid for a town car, but I had a town car take me, or like a car service

in a Lincoln town car take me to the airport and I asked the guy, I was like, this car is so clean, it's Toronto, every car is just covered with,

it was like January, every car is just covered with, you know, salt and mud and it's, every car is just covered with it was like january every car is just covered with salt and mud and it's every car is just like matte gray and uh he was like oh yeah i wash my car four times a day what because he does such a shitty job that he has to do it four times no because it just gets disgusting after funny half an hour that's like the rock in his showers he takes four showers a day he says and he eats nothing but cod so that's why it stinks yeah do you think he uh does the same as uh milton burl he ever gets gets confused and accidentally showers in cod and eats a frickin' shower head? Oh no, I pan-seared my penis!

Yeah. Oh, crap. Oh no! Yeah, I went in a town car once, and I can't remember for what it was but it was a woman driver and she was talking about how she was mixing it up on the scene in the town car world what does that mean?

I took a cab in New York one time and I don't think the cab driver was feeling well because during the journey he kept sticking his head out the window and barfing. That's what I'm talking about. There's so much life in this city. Even the cab drivers are barfing. Oh, man.

Yeah, don't take the afternoon off. Absolutely power through this. Yeah. Oh, wow. yeah don't take the afternoon off absolutely power through this and yeah yeah oh wow you didn't want to miss the chance to transport me and my teenage friends around to different tourist spots um was the eminem store there when you were there as a as a youth i think it was there and we never went in. I think we were too afraid. It was too New York for you? Yeah. Too New York, yeah.

That yellow guy is scary. He's voiced by J.K. Simmons, is that right? I think so, yeah. I think in a different iteration they had different voices. Maybe there was like a Alexander one of them and maybe John Goodman. I remember Jason Alexander being in an ad for rolled gold

pretzels and that being a big deal because he was still on Seinfeld at the time. And he's never touched his Seinfeld money. All his money is his rolled gold money. He's just living very badly i don't even know if you can get rolled gold pretzels anymore oh yeah you can there's still a top pretzel oh cool okay perfect when's the last time you bought

just a pretzel well i mean like a bag of pretzels i don't think ever hickory sticks oh yeah i buy hickory sticks all the time yeah those are cameras a pretzel i yeah i acknowledge they're they're kind of a pretzel in the sense that they're made of uh potatoes and liquid smoke i think we've discussed it before, but I remember Ron Popeil, he was, he would put it for his food hydrator. He puts salmon in there or whatever,

and then pour liquid smoke on it. Yeah. To make jerky. Yeah. To make jerky. Yeah. God bless that man. Yeah.

Um, do you guys want to do some overheards? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Hello, sleepyheads. Sleeping with Celebrities is your podcast pillow pal.

We talk to remarkable people about unremarkable topics, all to help you slow down your brain and drift off to sleep. For instance, we have the remarkable Neil Gaiman. I'd always had a vague interest in life, culture, food preparation. Sleeping with Celebrities, hosted by me, John Moe, on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Night, night. Somewhere in an alternate universe where Hollywood is smarter. And the Emmy nominees for Outstanding Comedy Series are

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dead pilot society the podcast that brings you hilarious comedy pilots that the networks and streamers bought but never made journey to the alternate television universe of dead pilot society on maximum fun.org society on maximum fun.org overheard overheards a segment out there and in here it's a segment that works together with one another if you can hear something and say something if you see something say something these are all great slogans for this part of the uh podcast which is called overheards and we like to start with the guests that's our favorite way of starting the podcast is called overheards is our podcast called over i said of the podcast i think of the podcast called

overheard sorry man segment of the podcast overheard and michael do you have an over doesn't fix it it's coming up to this segment overheard michael you have one i have i have an overheard that i'm almost afraid to tell because it's so darn entertaining so this was an overheard that happened in london uk am i the first person to have an overheard from across the pond oh maybe yeah so i was i was with my girlfriend suze kempner and we were at a uh bar together and we were sitting right behind us were these two guys one guy was a really loud boisterous american guy and he was sitting with a british guy who was kind of like shyer and here's what we heard the american guy say he was

like yo yo guy seriously do you have any celebrity crushes and the british guy was like um i don't know and he was like honestly i do i my celebrity crushes honestly are m are M. Rada and Kylie Jenner. And we were both like, Susan and I were like, whoa, check out, check out this guy with his crazy opinions and his crazy attraction

to two of the most famous babes in the world. And he was saying it so loud so everyone knew that he was attracted to Emily Ratajkowski. So if they come in here, I got dibs. Michael, we used to do a segment on the show called Celebrity Crush Hat.

And we'll do it again right now. Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity Crush Hat. Go fuck now. Celebrity crush hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity crush hat. Go fuck yourself. Celebrity crush hat. Chapeau chinois. Celebrity crush hat.

Crush hat. How do we pick a number, right? Yeah, you know what? I'm going to use a random number generator. Okay. Here we go. And the number between one and, oh, that's between, well, let's say between eight and, let's say, I don't know your current age, 22.

Yeah, 22. Basically, twice that. Let's just generate. It says 19. Who was your celebrity crush at age 19? Probably Sarah Michelle Gellar or Jennifer Love Hewitt. They had to have three names if i was gonna love them yeah ruth gator bin kinsberg ruth gator binsberg the alligator chief justice um yeah those are those are both fine choices fine babes yeah very fhm maxim magazine um era

i remember my in uh the first year that i had like a locker and had like a locker partner uh he put up a bunch of pictures of uh tori spelling and i was like well if you say so yeah sure was he like her father's aaron spelling he lives in a giant house one day she'll go broke that's part of the crush um seriously guys seriously i would take tori spelling when she's broke okay that's yeah because that's when i can get her when she's hit rock bottom then i swoop in um d, do you have an overheard? Yeah, this is one I got from, I don't know, Instagram, maybe Facebook. They're following me everywhere with this one. This was for some kind of penis pill.

Okay. And it was a woman talking to the camera. And she's about to tell me about a penis pill that I need. And she says an estimated 99% of men would rather not have erectile dysfunction. I don't know about that. 0.1% of men. I think that 99% is high. I think there's probably 3 or four percent of guys who are like i

don't need an erection ever again that's true yeah and we talked i think michael have you heard about this guy who's trying to like not age yes he's biohacking have we talked about this guy i think so because i remember telling you that he wears a little purse around his penis to measure how many erections he has in a night while he's sleeping the guy who's whose um skin is all weird yeah he's got weird skin he takes blood from his son and uh but he he i feel like everybody that interviews him just zeroes in on that one thing like he talks about all the different things that he's doing but then when he says he like zaps his penis everybody's like that's that's the story that's the lead we're going with just like a young man does he zaps his penis yeah and like a young man i have a crazy look at my

eyes all the time yes yeah and i have a crush on kylie jenner it's because i'm so young guys that's why that's because i'm a young man it's weird because he's decided his age i guess is in his 40s and he didn't have maybe the money or whatever to do this before so he's just he wants to be 40 forever i. Or maybe he wants to go back in time. I don't know. It's just... It'd be cool if he found a way just to... He keeps aging, but he specifically isolates a way to de-age his penis. He grows older and his penis

keeps getting younger, or goes back to like 18 or something like matthew mcconaughey yeah he's confused well no it is 18 right now just so you know is his he's got a penis of an 18 year old all right all right that's cool which i remember well i remember when i was 18 thinking well that can't be it is it gonna fill out a bit more oh yeah i remember doing sex ed them saying like after puberty you get hair down there and also the skin down there turn like gets darker and what my friends and I thought that was the funniest fucking thing on earth that your penis would get darker over time

your penis goes on vacation without you knowing and gets a nice suntan that's what the final Leonard Cohen album you want it darker is about look everybody it's Leonard Cohen's sixth farewell album in a row um yeah anyways yeah great yeah if you're listening and you're wondering when would alert get cover it's uh you know when would alert get cover ruth gator binsburg

mumble mouth all over the place it's a croup it's absolutely a croup side effect um uh do you have one gray i do i have one from walking in downtown vancouver it was two gals behind me were uh talking about a third party and the third party had said wait until you meet her we have the same name and i was like what's your name so it was like a guy she didn't know who's what his name was but uh he was saying it was neat that this person has the same name as me i don't know if I delivered it right, but I think we can all appreciate this journey. But you haven't missed yet. What's your name?

Yeah, he's got the same name as me. Well, what's your name? Was it a woman with the same name as a man? I think so. Oh, okay. I think that's what we were looking for. So it was a Blair situation or like a Darcy or a. Darcy, yes. Aaron versus Aaron.

Yes. Which is what was going on in my locker at the time. It was. Because you were putting up pictures of. Of Aaron Spelling. Oh, you both. Tor versus aaron yeah it was a feud oh yeah i want him from his uh beverly hills 90210 era in his little sweater shock of white hair

did he he had shows on in like the 70s is that kind of his I think he did like Love Boat maybe or yeah or like

Charlie's Angels yeah oh yeah maybe that's why let's look him up that's how Tori Spelling first fell in love with him

and then they got married and then that's how he here it goes her heart family charlie's family charlie's angels the love boat heart to heart dynasty beverly hills nine thousand ninety thousand two hundred and ten melrose place seventh heaven and charmed he didn't do models inc i'm surprised i guess not huh i didn't know he was seventh heaven either that's wild oh no he did models inc it just didn't make the list

uh in the there's a ton more that he did that uh on the slag heap yeah hate boat Yeah. Hate boat. Um, now I have overheard sent into us, uh, by email from all over the place. If you want to send one into us, it's SPY at maximum fun.org. And, this first one comes from Casey in Arkansas.

This is one of the kids say the darndest variety. Love it. Uh, my eight year old shouted from the other room. If you hear me watching paw patrol, it's just because I wanted to remember the good times. Very poignant. Yeah.

Yeah. If you wonder what's going on in here, I'm just trying to remember. It is funny that you turn a page when you're a kid and you're like, that's baby stuff. Now I'm into something that's baby stuff now i'm into something that's one percent different than paw patrol yeah did you ever have this scenario where like somebody gave you a gift but you just switched

over to that that's baby stuff and there was a gift that was on that i feel like that happened a couple times uh but i can't call them out individually, so it obviously didn't scar me. Yeah, I guess not. I mean, I feel that way even to this day. I'm not into any of the stuff from when I was 41. That's baby stuff. Now we have another one from rob david do you do you want some cream for your

penis no i have an 18 year old penis now that's baby stuff the penis goes too far back in time and then all of a sudden oh yeah he must go backwards he's like that's old man penis stuff. I need baby penis material. Baby penis. This next one comes from Rob M. This is in Europe, on a trip in Europe. I know, very nice. Very nice if you can get it.

In Europe with my family, waiting on our train in Lausanne. in europe with my family waiting on our train in la lucerne i saw a lady on the platform holding a baby beside a baby stroller that had a sticker on it that said support hell's angels colmar so a very specific uh club that you're supposed to uh support and she's out there she's out there spreading the word i didn't know there were Hell's Angels in Europe. Oh, yeah. Some of them must have gone on a boat with their motorcycles at some point. And their little scooters that you have to go on in like a Vespa. They're all very pretentious and they have better health care

and they get more holidays than we do. They take like a really long lunch hour or two. Yeah, you can go home and be with your family or go have a nap or whatever you like and instead of motorcycles they just take really well-run beautiful trains everywhere absolutely this last one comes from roshin in dublin i was on the train in Dublin recently, and there were two middle-aged girls behind me. I assume one of them was showing the other photos on her phone, but all I heard her say was, Look at my dad. Look at how many keychains he has.

We're very proud of him. Did it say middle-aged girls in the email that's a good question actually that's my type my celebrity crushes are all middle-aged girls wow um what did you say this person's name was? Roisin. An Irish. How do you spell it? O-R-O-I. I can't remember. Okay. But I had to write it phonetically in order for me to.

Oh, okay. R-O-I-S-I-N, but with accents on the I's for some reason. Oh, like the singer from Maloco. Roisin Murphy. But I never knew that's how you pronounce it. It's like Roisin. Like a raisin with an O.

The California Roisin. The California Roisin. Okay. In addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one. Ugh.

Spy pod one, like these people have. Hi, Dave, Graham, and guest. This is Olivia in Denver, Colorado, calling with an overheard. Colorado calling with an overheard. I was at the Botanic Gardens and they've recently built this new like screening wall feature and it has all of these hexagonal cubbies so it looks sort of like a giant honeycomb. And as I'm walking by there is a very small child who has kind of crammed themselves into one of these hexagonal nooks. And they scream, hey, mom, come take a picture of me in this b-hole. And I had a good chuckle. Off I go.

Well, what would you call it? I think b-hole is the right terminology. That wide open b-hole or that gaping b-hole you could say you could get a run with it all day long absolutely you could look for look for me in the b-hole i'll be hanging out in this b-hole all day what is it called is it a honeycomb i guess it's a cunny a cunny home there we go but now i've it must be contagious uh it's a honeycomb it's a it's a honeycomb hole i guess oh man uh whatever man here we go next phone call hey jayden graham and amazing guest this is sean in virginia and i was out on the playground with my class and i overheard a student say

there i was in the basement getting ready to watch a fresh episode of suits and i thought that was pretty great. Alright, that's all. Cheers. God, I'm a ninja turtle. That's baby stuff. I'm into Suits now. Kids in Virginia. Different than I imagined. Megan

Markle was on it? Yeah, Megan Markle was on that. I don't know what it is. I only know that it's called Suits and that she was on it? Yeah, Megan Markle was on that. I don't know what it is. I only know that it's called Suits and that she was on it. But I don't know what the suits are. Lawyers? And they shot it in Toronto. Yes. That's why Megan Markle was a

Reitman spokesperson. Michael, did you ever do a walk-on on Suits? I refused. They kept asking me to do it and I said no, no, no, no. No, but I know that the house she was living in, that I guess Prince Harry would secretly go to and stay in, is very close to where James Hartnett lives. Oh, nice.

Well, you just doxed him because everybody knows where markle used to live it's now there's a pub where they have a bunch of megan markle stuff on the wall but everyone's too shy to take a picture in edinburgh if you walk around enough you can see multiple coffee shops that have plaques or something saying that jk rowling wrote a part of harry potter there oh god so yeah so you can really go on a nice tour and see you know what what type of coffee yeah she wrote a thousand of the pages in this coffee shop but there were still 8 000 more to go and here's a spot where she wrote some pretty dodgy tweets. Yeah. So I've started reading these books.

I will start it. I'm now, we just started book five. Okay. How many are there total? Seven, seven. And this book five is the longest one.

It's 700 something pages. And, uh, what, there's a ongoing theme that I think informs a lot of her latter day tweets. Because a lot of the books are about sneaking into bathrooms, which seems to be what she's concerned about trans people doing. She's preoccupied with this idea of sneaking. Yeah, there's like a secret bathroom in the second one.

And there's like a ghost who wants to watch Harry Potter take a bathroom in the second one. And there's a, there's like a ghost who's like wants to watch Harry Potter take a bath in the fourth one. Wow. Oh, wow. I had no idea. That's so funny. Um,

anyway, check them out. They're called the Harry Potter books. Yeah. Have you read any of them, Michael? Oh God, no.

I remember when they came out and all my friends were reading them. I was like, even then I was like, these are for children. Don't be seen reading them on the subway. It's undignified. Yeah, read one of Woody Allen's books on the subway. Read Fatherhood by Bill Cosby. And here's your final phone call.

Hi, this is Danny calling in an overseen from Chicago. I was going to dinner with my partner and we parked on the street behind a van with some quirky bumper stickers, one of which said, stop honking or I'll come. But anyway, we saw through the window jammed into the center console with a towel was a gigantic blender and it was probably halfway full with some milky substance that they just left in the car um anyway off i go wow not everything that's milky is milk um yeah wow that uh man oh man that keeping young guy is touring all over the city that's probably the best bumper sticker i've ever heard of that's that's great so specific i you know you know the phrase young dumb and full of cum i do are you familiar with this it refers to men right uh yeah oh yeah oh shit i don't know yeah i always thought it was referred to men well because i i feel like

gary bucey refers to keanu reeves as that in point break right and but i remember i used to work with this guy who once used the phrase young dumb and looking to come about a guy like this guy's young, dumb and looking to go looking. Cause he, and he like hesitated cause he was like, I think he thinks that it's about the phrase is about women who are full of someone else. It sounds like an old West thing where a guy would walk into a saloon.

I'm looking to come everybody. Well, um, uh, like an old west thing where a guy would walk into a saloon i'm looking to come everybody well um uh yeah i'll cut that part out we'll seek it with cunny home okay we'll just end it there um well michael thank you so much for being our guest.

This is so much fun. Thanks for having me guys. I've really enjoyed it. Your album is called Michael one comedy zero. Yeah. Is that correct? That's correct. It's like a score.

And you also, and Zimmer over here, you, you had an album that where the uh cover art is um was it ben garrison is that the guy that you were making fun of yeah my first album complete discography uh my friend ann doris uh i asked her to to draw an album cover that looks like a ben garrison cartoon which is like overly busy and everything is labeled and i'm like holding a hammer that says the truth and i'm like about to bring it down on a snake that says lies on it and you're

very muscular very muscular in the drawing yes yeah but in my new album cover i'm wearing a blue suit and i'm uh receiving an award of a uh frowning tragedy mask. It's so funny. I got a chance to listen to it. And I'm glad that they got glad that the Dixieland band thing was true. I'm going to enjoy that joke all the more. I'll send you a picture of myself wearing in high school with my trombone and you'll it'll really hit home with you. Yeah. Do you have a picture of the whole band getting together?

Would you ever get back together? Well, you know what? We tried for like five or six weeks, and my idea was like, oh. I was like, do you guys want to meet after school to practice? And everyone was busy. So I was like, oh, how about this? How about we all meet before school starts to do Dixieland jazz? And no one ever showed up for like five or six weeks

running and then that was the end of the band dream yeah hey show up at 7 a.m to play when the saints go marching in oh man that's good uh well's good. Well, thank you again. And thank you, everybody out there, for listening. We enjoy you so much. And if you're going to get into a band, consider Dixieland Jazz. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximum Fun A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows

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