Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 821 - Malik Elassal

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Comedian Malik Elassal returns to talk Bubba Gump, pizza, and hotel microwaves.

okay folks it's almost time for the show and it's a good one this week but before we get to that we got something very special to talk to you about it's that time of year again you love it you've been waiting for it yep that's right we're this is the time of year when we do the final episode of the year it's coming up and the final episode of the year as you know in the last few years has been all listeners our guests you're the guests you're the star of this uh you know this whole episode we've in the past we've had some great uh back and forths with the people all over the place anytime we've done a call-in show there was one time that a guy we made him do a basketball shot that didn't work this is supposed to be a quick master we're not

going down memory lane uh this friday december 15th we are recording the uh the annual call-in episode it's your chance to ask us a question or show off your talent or uh maybe a third thing uh we'll we'll rate your outfit yeah and if you want to do a talent, Howie Mandel is ready to zoom in and judge you for, uh, quality of your act. So just keep that in mind. Here's how it works. If you want to be on the episode and talk to us and you're free on Friday, December 15th, between 11 AM and 1 PM Pacific, that's 2 PM and 1 p.m. Pacific. That's 2 p.m. and 4 p.m. Eastern Time.

Email spy at maximumfun.org with the subject Q&A. That's spy at maximumfun.org, subject line, Q&A, and we will do a random draw and send the participants a Zoom link to call into. And so that's how we've done it the last few years. It's not perfect. Dave, that's so random.

That's so random. We're doing it randomly, but... I thought you were going to say Dave, to me you are perfect. Dave, you know that's true. So, if you are free Friday, to me, you are perfect. Dave, you know that's true. So, if you are free Friday, this Friday, and you want to talk to us, email us. We'll let you know by Thursday if you're in the draw. And then we'll send you a time that you call into the show. And then, I think at a certain point, Bob's your uncle.

So, yeah, let's get on with the show. Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 821 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name is Graham Clark. With me as always is a man who's a huge fan of the little drops you put in your water, Mio, Mr. Dave Shumka.

I truly haven't had Mio. You've never had it? No, I don't think so. Have you ever had, what's the English one, Ribena? Oh, I maybe have had Ribena. I think they put it in Guinness. They put Ribena in Guinness?

I think I've had Ribena in Guinness. But what I'm a big fan of, because I used to drink tons of pop. Yes. And I was very proud of myself when I was like, oh, you're having way too much sugar. And I just stopped drinking pop and started drinking water. And it was no problem. I didn't transition to a diet.

I didn't need to put anything in the water. I'm just love. It's sort of nature's sort of pop. It's the weirdest thing because I know it's sort of nature's sort of pop it's uh it's the weirdest thing because i know it's big in britain it's like do you have to trick yourself into drinking water like you need to drink water to live but i mean but that's what everything is there's like lacroix is that oh i know i just like a solid water yeah i love a solid water it's what i call ice i blew my kids minds the other day when we were skating.

I was like, hey, we're walking on water. Like our Lord and Savior. Yeah, yeah. Just like a big guy up top. Our guest today, a return guest to the podcast, a very funny comedian. He will be at the orthodontist. When this comes out, when this drops, he'll be at the orthodontist. It's Malik Alassal. Hello!

Hi, guys. Hi, Malik. I'll be there. You were telling us before the show you were getting your buttons loosened, removed? I have these plaster things that they put on my teeth. Do you call them buttons? They call them buttons. I don't know what else to call them. Are they going to loosen up your buttons?

Malik, what do they do? are they for straightening are they orthodonture they they they blew it honestly on my my whole invisalign treatment i have to completely yeah they just they messed it up they wanted to do a whole now how does invisalign work you have to take it out to eat is that right if i got that out to eat i've always wanted to try and not take it out and see what it feels like. Well, why didn't you do it? I was too scared. I have the trays. We could try it.

So you have the trays. You got to like, the trays change like week to week. Week to week. You just feel your teeth just hurt. Is it for a week or is it two weeks? It's one week at a time and there's like 60 trays. And is the first day of the week the worst, or is it terrible the whole time? The first day of the week is the worst, and then your teeth kind of...

And what do the buttons do? The buttons... I have no idea what the buttons do, but I guess they hold them in place a little bit better. Hold the trays, yeah, sure. So you've got the trays in right now? No. Oh, shit. No, I've given up on their treatment.

You just want the buttons off, and then you're going to go... I'm starting over Go rogue You're gonna do the trays over again Or are you just gonna be like I'm gonna start over in another What Another post

Or another Orthodontist's office How long How many weeks did you make it 20 It's like a third 20 before I realized They didn't know

What they were doing Wait were they working I mean they were moving my teeth I don't know if it was Going to where They needed to be That's true You need a map You need a destination for those yeah i talked to project you're going in circles yeah it was shaky were you like able to guess by like chomping into

something and being like okay that tooth that tooth has moved over to take a photo and compare them i know i i talked to an orthodontist friend of mine, and she took one look at my teeth. You have a friend who's an orthodontist? I have a friend who's majored in orthodontic research, and she took one look at what they were doing. She's one of these desk jockey orthodontists. Oh, yeah. She doesn't have boots on the floor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't know what it's all about.

She took one look at your teeth, and she said? She said, no, it's all wrong. This is all wrong she said we're gonna put a pallet expander oh okay her jaw did she is this a black market kind of thing that she's putting a pallet expander on the side without i don't know how she's gonna do it honestly it sounds very medieval i'm just letting them do whatever they want put some buttons in there put a zipper on there yeah is there a add an extra does she have an office or is she just gonna do this in a garage um i think she told me she was gonna do it at nyu on the campus

oh okay sure in a garage somewhere yeah you're gonna get some student to put a drill in my mouth was there a there was a sitcom where the dad had like a basement dentist office and it wasn't the cosby show no wasn't it uh oh shit i can't remember family matters who's a dentist yeah was there because uh growing pains he was a psychiatrist in the basement in the basement invisalign gives you growing pains okay nice nice it's like after invisalign I'm gonna need a psychiatrist you're driving me crazy do we want to get to know us yes get to know us guys we're back in the studio we love it this is awesome nothing beats the energy Malik yes how are you I'm doing good uh I've been on tour for a month I was thinking about that

that that Mio stuff you guys were talking about. When I was a chubby 12-year-old, I would drink Crystal Light every single day, and I thought I was going to get abs. Yeah. I thought I was going to get six-pack abs. I mean, there is a picture of man with six-pack abs on the box. Yeah. To me, it was Crystal Light and milk. I was like, those two things combined, and I'm going to be jacked.

But not combined. Not exactly. Not in the same cup. A little bit of distance, but not a lot. Do you take any supplements now? I take, By the way,

I consider Crystal Light a supplement. Yeah, I take Jolly Ranchers, Mio. I take a couple Mega Threes every day. Yeah, I take Nerds Rope. Nerds Rope. Yeah, I take Jolly Ranchers, Mio. I take a couple Mega Threes every day. Yeah, I take a Nerds Rope. A Nerds Rope.

Yeah, but all the Nerds are under B12. Oh, that's good. On a Nerds Rope. Yeah, a couple things here and there. Nerds Rope? Yeah, what is Nerds Rope? Nerds Rope is like a big Twizzler covered in Nerds. And you know what Nerds are.

Yeah, I do. But I don't like this revelation one bit you never heard of nerds rope yeah oh man no i maybe i buried my head in the sand on this one but uh i don't regret it i don't i don't want it now that i know about it i want it flushed i want an inception out of my head that's it's really good you're uh if you if you have one of those tokens in your hands what do they call them oh uh like a totem or whatever. Yeah. It'll be nerds.

Ah, damn it. That's how the exception gets here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, you just came back from a big,

you just for laughs tour. Yes. Which is like the, the big tour in Canada. That's. Yeah. I remember going to it as a youth when it used to come around. Who did you see?

Really? First year I saw it was hosted by Harlan Williams. And the only other person I remember on the show was Sean Majumder. I was the Sean Majumder of the tour this year. Explain. No. You figure it out. I will not be.

But that's big. That's huge that you got to do that. Yeah, it was great. I saw the whole country. Where did you go? We went from the furthest east to the furthest west. We went to- From Tofino to Twillingate and all points in between.

Basically. I went to St.'s saw the saw the the edge i saw the ocean i saw how big the waves got i saw the very tip of canada heard how those people talk and they talk like the rest of us bye mad let him go into his uh bit where he does the impression i don't have it i don't have it I was really hoping You'd take it home With an impression That was your big closer Yeah I want to just

Say a city And then have Graham Oh Graham's the man With thousands of accents Yeah Get the car boy Oh bye Oh me brother died

Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's

Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's

Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's

Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's

Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's

Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh she's Oh, we got to go see Sean. Yeah. I just do an Irish accent because I'm not that good at an Irish accent. And I'm like, it sounds like the farthest way as you go West, less Irish.

Yeah. Less Irish. But as you go South, it gets more Jamaican. Yeah, it does get more Jamaican, which is weird. I don't know why, but. Yeah, down in Calgary. The rude boys are out and about How many shows did you do? We did 17 shows

Holy shit Hotels? Nice hotels in between? Nice hotels Yeah It was nice Couple of them not that nice Honestly

The Fairmont in Winnipeg I would just like to say Is a bad hotel Oh okay You'd think it'd be a nice hotel I would The Fairmont in Winnipeg, the elevator,

the elevator is not good. Was it slow? No, it was way too fast. Oh, it was too fast? Way too fast. You'd get in there and it would like jolt up really fast and it would like compress my spine.

Shit. Throw my neck back and then the rest of the tour. Ruin your teeth. Yeah, the buttons go flying that's why i have to go back palate contracts palate's tiny my tongue doesn't even fit in my mouth anymore and then the rest of the tour i just had like elevator ptsd every time that i'd press a button

i'd like brace myself for the elevator but every every, other than that, it was good. I got really used to, you know, stealing water bottles and. Yeah. What was it? Cause I, I, when I go on tour,

I, I like to see if I can find a good moisturizer. That's not too fragrant, but, uh, you know, from the hotel, from the hotel,

I'm always looking for the superior, like I'll take one from one hotel, but if I find a better one, I, I trade. Oh yeah. I say Sutton, Sutton places but if I find a better one, I trade. Oh, yeah. I say Sutton Places. They have good conditioners, good body lotion over there.

Nice, nice. The coffee machine. Listen, now the Delta coffee machine in the room, no good. No good. No good. Delta is the hotel brand or? Delta is the hotel brand, but they have a specific Delta coffee, which is, you're not going to want to drink it. Okay.

Sutton Place, they give you nice little pods. How many Sutton Places are there? I've only heard of the two. I've been in, I was in two. Oh, okay. Toronto and Vancouver? Toronto and Vancouver. Sutton Place, Toronto, take me back.

God, it was the nicest time ever. I had so many different coffee pods. Oh, yeah. I think I still have some in my bag and there's nowhere to someday if you're ever at a party and you see one you could toss it in there there's a guy i bet there's a guy who has like a youtube channel of how you uh you know macgyver your own hack a pod hack a pod yeah yeah here's how to jailbreak A Keurig pod Yeah Oh no I bricked this one Oh shit The developer found out

Yeah Yeah There was Yeah there was Some hotels would give you Little like vitamin packs That you put in your water What

Like crystal light That's amazing Yeah they were They were What I was actually looking for As a 12 yearyear-old. Yeah, do you feel more ripped? What are they?

What do you get, like an emergency? It was basically like an emergency, but they had like different, like it was like whatever you're going for. They had one called Glow.

They had one called Hydrate. What are you going for? I was going for Glow at the time. And it works. Look at him. Are you kidding me? Shiny. I wish this was a video podcast

because you would see that he's got, oh man, look, you're glowing. And the buttons. Yeah. Can you kidding me? Shiny. I wish this was a video podcast because you would see that he's got, oh man, look, you're glowing. And the buttons. Yeah. Can you see the buttons? No. I assumed they were on the inside of the teeth.

No, there's like, there's a little texture on my teeth. Oh, that's going to be uncomfortable. It's weird. Well, I was telling, I was talking to Graham a couple weeks away to do this show together. And I was talking about going to the dentist. I hadn't been in the dentist for the first, uh, since the pandemic started and love my new dentist. Yeah.

And Graham was telling me that, um, cause, but I only had half a visit because I needed two visits to do the whole cleaning. I got half my teeth knocked out. Yeah. And he was saying graham

was saying oh they've um have you ever had uh fluoride the new way where they paint it on paint it on with what feels like a uh like nail polish yeah i was thinking like white brush yeah don't do the bubble gum trays anymore bubble gum trays no more trays a mouthwash was the more recent one i had been having. And my hygienist, so when I went back to do the other half of my cleaning, she said, now you, since you haven't been to the dentist since the pandemic, you probably don't know about this, but we paint it on now. And it's so disgusting. And they get up on a ladder.

It's weird. They get up on a ladder. They make you go high. They get on a ladder. Yeah. And I was like, can I stay down here and look over the skirt? She's like, I'm not She's like I'm not wearing a I'm not wearing a dress

I'm wearing painter's pants You might have I'd chew a couple pieces Of bubble gum While you paint it on But they were She said Yeah just

You can eat and drink Right away You won't want to Because your mouth's Going to feel disgusting Yeah your mouth Does feel so disgusting But just no hot coffee

For the first couple hours And Did you go right to Starbucks No but I stayed on my teeth All day Yeah, your mouth is full of soda chips. But just no hot coffee for the first couple hours. And? Did you go right to Starbucks? No, but it stayed on my teeth all day. Like, I was like, at a certain point, I was like, they didn't tell me I could brush it off. But after like eight hours of... Oh, no. As soon as I get home, I brush it off.

I can't stand it. Oh, it's so disgusting. Did they tell you why they changed the technology? No. It was probably because of a lobby group or something like that. Yeah, some sort of cutbacks. Yeah, bubblegum flavoring. What was your favorite flavor?

Obviously, bubblegum. I mean, I wouldn't even get bubblegum. To be honest with you, you know what I would get? I would get marshmallow. Oh. I know. I was never on offer. I don't even think of that as a flavor.

They had it. But even when I taste the marshmallow, I'm like, there's no flavor in this. It's just sweet. But you can put marshmallow in like a tray. Oh, sure. I go to Chubby Bunny Dentistry. The flavors they would offer, by the end of the trays, they offered so many flavors. And I was like, I just would get mint.

Because sometimes I would be like, oh, maybe chocolate mint. I feel like my dentist had pina colada. And as a kid, I was like, what? Those are two nonsense words. I don't know. Like, I guess it's for the adults that like pina colada. You want to have sex on the beach? Yeah.

For the alcoholics who just have to take a second to go to the dentist. They have to take a break in the day. Okay. So no hot coffee for the next couple hours. What about booze? Can I have booze? I like, what do I do if I'm a guy that likes getting caught in the rain?

Is there a fluoride for me? Have you, I knew that song as like a punchline growing up and then I listened to it later and I realized oh they're it's got a story to it and it's the couple that are cheating on each other

with each other. And that's something you know that it was meant to be because they're cheaters but they also have so much in common that they fall back in love? I guess

he answers a classified act. Isn't the first line of the song I was tired of my lady so this guy Scott this guy doesn't

want to be in a relationship no you just get tired of your lady yeah they need a second they need a second

track where they talk about how like the couple's counseling and how they put everything back together okay

it's not just seamless like after that like a remix it could be pina colada song therapist remix yeah chopped and screwed.

We were both trying to cheat on each other. Ha ha, we're back together. Hee hee. Yeah, I should have known, because she liked coconut drinks. What is a Pina Colada even? I don't know. To me, it smells like. Pina is pineapple.

It smells like, what do you call that? Sunscreen. Oh, sunscreen. But like. Banana boat. Yeah. Hawaiian tropic. Like a Hawaiian tropic. That's what it smells like to me.

Hawaiian tropic sunscreen. Okay. Pina colada. Let's look it up. Pina colada. But it only tastes right if you're cheating on your spouse. That's one of the instructions. Oh, the first thing that comes up

isn't like, you know, the bartending society or whatever. Marlboro ortho style orthodontics. Yeah. Pina Colada trays recipe.

How to make it at home. Pina Colada fluoride trays. But the first thing that comes up is a masterclass.com recipe, which is like when you get Kevin Spacey to teach you. Oh yeah, it's Kevin Spacey teaching you everything about masterclass. How to excel in sports. From Simply Recipes,

this is... Such a long intro before we get to it. It's the whole song. This is about me. The murky origins, blended or shaken. Okay, you're going to want six ounces white rum. Okay, I am going to want that. Six ounces cream of coconut, preferably Coco Lopez brand. Coco Lopez brand creamed coconut. Yeah.

CocoLopez.com. Six ounces of pineapple juice. So we're at coconut and pineapple so far. Okay. Half a cup of frozen pineapple chunks. Yikes. Wow. Four cups of ice.

Four cups of rice. No. Four cups of rice? No. Just ice. Dave, somebody's making this at home yeah slow down uh and then golden rum the second rum and then pineapple leaves or wedges for garnish leaves like the little spiky thing spiky thing i saw this video this is related guys i got so much energy today uh it was uh one

of the instagrams i uh follow that just is a collection of tiktoks okay every day they post 10 tiktoks in a one post and uh it was a video someone with a charcuterie plate and the plate was a cutting board but the cutting board was shaped like a pineapple and he was covering up one end of the pineapple thing saying this was a gift we're not swingers and i looked it up and apparently if someone has an upside down pineapple displayed it's like telling people hey we're swingers like in your house or just the next day after i saw that post i was behind a truck in traffic and they had an upside down pineapple sticker on their car. And then what happened when you followed them and when did they get out?

Then, then what happened? Well, we swapped wives. Okay. Uh, it was sort of a, as per their request.

Yeah. It was a pina colada got in the rain situation in traffic is a wild way. You want people to know in traffic and you know, you have to back your truck into a parking spot at your new swinger hub. Who sang that song? Rupert Everett? No, Rupert. Gint.

No, Rupert. Grint? Rupert. It wasn't Jimmy Buffett? It was Rupert Holmes. Jimmy Buffett is Margaritaville. Margaritaville. Yeah.

How does that song go? And how does that song go? Did you like margaritaville margaritaville yeah which is how does that song go and how does that song go margaritaville and cheating on your wife um just really spell it out wasted away again in margarita oh yeah trying to find that lost shaker of salt shaker of salt okay i conflated the two songs so i thought that you needed some salt in a pina colada no you put lime in a coconut then what happens i guess you shake them up you drink them all up drink them up i don't know um but jimmy buffett was able to turn that one song into an entire career into a chain of restaurants yeah into a billion dollars billion dollars to having his own fan name which not a lot of artists get uh he's parrot heads yeah follow him around but he only they only call themselves that because he

misspoke on the first episode of his podcast and let me ask you this have you guys ever been to the bubblegum restaurant no no i didn't restaurant? No. No. I didn't. Like, until a few years ago, I didn't know that existed. Yeah. Somebody mentioned it from America, and it blew my mind. Yeah. I saw it in the West Edmonton Mall. Ooh.

Food court. And? How was it? I never went. What? It's in a food court? I thought it was a sit-down restaurant. It is a sit-down. Well, it's not in the food court.

Okay. It's upstairs. It's by the Cineplex. Okay. Okay. Sounds like a nice night. Get food court. Okay. It's upstairs. It's by the Cineplex. Okay. Okay. Sounds like a nice night. Get some shrimp. Go see Disney's Wish.

They always have one theater playing for us. Oh, yeah. We can deliver it right to your seat. Is it a shrimp restaurant or is it just like Earl's? Well, yeah.

I don't know what other food because it is themed and I feel like it might be like Earl's because it's like there's shrimp but there's a box of chocolates like what else is do you remember the dessert is a box of chocolate box of chocolate do you remember the film yes the film um yeah forrest gump because in the movie his friend, whose last name is not Gump. Bubba has a shrimp boat. Well, and he's endlessly naming preparations of shrimp.

Right. Coconut shrimp, butterfly shrimp. Garlic shrimp. Yeah, shrimp cocktail. Shrimp scampi. What's shrimp scampi? I feel like that was always advertised as a red lobster. Isn't it like shrimp, just like garlic butter on pasta?

I thought it was just like a little scamp. Yeah. A rebellious shrimp. Yeah, you scamp. Get in here. And then he, after the war,

he starts his own shrimp company with Bubba's, like, family's blessing and they're like, whatever. And then, We were glad to hear

he's dead. He won't shut the fuck up about shrimp. And then he catches a bunch. Oh, he has a terrible time catching shrimp. And then one day, you know, he reaches the tipping point. He does his 10,000 hours and catches so many shrimp. And then the Bubba Gump family, the Bubba family, they become very wealthy.

Yes. Yeah. And doesn't it's like always in passing, like, well, I had insured by, I got some stock in a little fruit company called Apple. And you're like, oh, yeah, cool. Yeah. That movie tries to gaslight you into thinking that Bubba Gump was always a restaurant. Like it tries to make you feel like it was actually part of history. Oh, yeah.

They really try to make you feel like Forrest Gump is a real guy. How many years after the movie came out do we think that restaurant started up? I'm looking it up. I'm going to say not long. Really? I'm going to give it 15 years. Oh, no. 15 years? No. 1994 was the movie. I would say five years.

I would say three years. Okay, I'm born in 96. Let's see. Let's see. Maybe Bubba Gump has always been a part of my reality Oh that's right Maybe it's been in the background Your whole life Have you ever been to it? I've never been to it

I've taken a look at it outside But I've never I like the movie fine Not enough to go to the restaurant But Would you There's a sequel book to it They've always talked about

Making a sequel movie Out of There's a Was it originally a book? Yeah Yeah Forrest Gump? Yeah

Isn't that crazy? Yes Because then he shook hands With Richard Dixon And believe me If you saw it It would look very realistic I read the book

In high school You did? By Winston Groom I even remember The blurb on the back That was Rollicking and bawdy Was that in your book report?

Yep Some people would say this is rollicking. Some people claim that it is rollicking and bawdy. Was it required reading at the school? No, it was like, hey, aren't I a sophisticated kid? I'm reading a book that I chose. Was it like, oh man, what year was this That you read the book I would say 95

96 So the movie had come out Oh yeah And you knew about Had you seen the movie Yeah I loved it So you were like Yeah it's not as good

As the book I think in the book They go on There's like They do mention How big his dick was Yeah Oh I mean

It was implied in the movie Oh yeah He's way dumber In the book He's way dumber And here book. He's way dumber, and here's why. They did not do it justice. Anyway, the answer is... He meets John Holmes at one point.

They see whose is the longer. Yeah, they accidentally got them tied up like phone cards. Yeah, it's a big moment. Schwartz. 1996. So Graham's closest. It was your birth year. What day of 96 was it?

Oh, could it be? Wow. Born on the same day? That would be. Even the same month is pretty special. I mean, what did he call founding it? Because... In a bubble gum. Because... And what did you call founding it? Because, yeah, the first bubble wrap opened in 1996 in Monterey, California. Big date.

It doesn't really give me a month. Do they have like the picture where they're putting the shovel in the ground? Like we're breaking ground to make way? Maybe I have to go to Bubba Gump Corporate Their corporate website Yeah search up Bubba Gump shrimp Big scissors ribbon

Yeah I'm gonna google Monterey California Bubba Gump Zoning Permit Let's just assume It was my birthday Yeah

And when's your birthday? April 12th April 12th Nice Yeah you're an Aries No 1996 What was going on In 1996 Oh well Cary Strug is your birthday? April 12th. April 12th. Oh, nice. Yeah, you're an Aries. No. 1996. What was going on

in 1996? Oh, well, Carrie Strug was winning America's Heart vaulting over that vault.

Didn't she appear on Saturday Night Live with Chris Kattan playing her? Well, certainly, no. He was Kippy Strug.

He was Kippy Strug, okay. And they appeared together, yeah, for sure. She was carried around by Bella L He's Kippy Strug. Okay. And they've appeared together. Yeah, for sure. She was carried around by Bela Lugosi. Carolli.

Yeah, Bela Lugosi. In his final act. Richard Jewell was thought to be the Atlanta bomber, but he... He actually saved the day. He actually was a hero, but they still... Oh, Richard Jewell. Yes. They still raided his house and looked at his porno.

Remember that from your birthday? I remember when I was born. It was on the TV in the back. In the hospital. I was like, wait, wait, wait, wait. Turn that up. Turn that up. Turn that up.

I was like, I can't see. My eyes aren't open yet. What is the baby trying to indicate to us? That guy is not... Why do we have the TV on? That guy's the hero. I know he is. That guy's going to turn out to be the hero.

That guy's getting railroaded. Yeah, it's easy to pin it on that guy. Of course, you're going to pin it on him. Are you a birthday fan? Do you celebrate? Do you not celebrate? What's your policy around birthdays? I don't really do anything on my birthday, to be honest with you.

Did you do anything for my birthday? Yeah. It was three days ago. Yeah. Did you do anything for my birthday? What? Uh, yeah. When? It's three days ago. Yeah. What were you doing three days ago? Yeah.

Where were you three days ago? Yeah. What's your alibi for not hanging out with him on your birthday? I was at Margaritaville. Oh shit. I was at Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville waiting, waiting away. Um,

happy birthday. Hey, thanks. It's a big one. Yeah. It's, big one Yeah It's uh Dave's turning 18 So he finally

Got his license I was born in 96 What license Did you get at 18? Uh License to kill Oh is that true? Yeah yeah yeah

You can be a spy In London Not yeah Not over here in Canada License to maim You get to Canada Mmhmm We have

Some clumsy spies. They can't quite finish the job. So you don't do anything? No cake? None of that kind of stuff? You know, an ice cream cake might be involved. The Dairy Queen beside my house. I feel like that's probably it.

Now you're speaking Dave's language. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I still have a bit of a treats of pizza in my freezer right now. You do a treats of pizza? Yeah. That's how you know you're getting more mature is you opt for the treats of pizza. Well. You know you're not going to keep 10 pieces of cake in the freezer for a year.

It takes up so much room in the freezer. And I don't like the fake whipped cream around the edges. Interesting. Because it's not whipped cream. So what do you do with it? Do you scrape it up? Yeah. On the big cake.

Yeah. You don't like the whipped cream. What do you mean it's fake whipped cream? It's not whipped cream. What is it? do with it? You scrape it up? Yeah. On the big cake. Yeah. You don't like the whipped cream. What do you mean it's fake whipped cream? It's not whipped cream. What is it? It's like cool whip.

It's made of whatever. Oils. Oils, yeah. Well, I don't think any of the ice cream at Dairy Queen is ice cream.

It's ice milk. It's ice milk. Yeah, but you know what's not milk? Oil. I didn't know about this.

I mean, look, I love Dairy Queen. But they do put real whipped cream on there like you know DQ Brownie Blast I always feel like such a tool

every time I have to order you ever go to a place and the name of the thing is like I just feel so pathetic being like can I please have a big and bouncy

Nancy Rouncy yeah a big and bouncy Nancy Rouncy. Yeah. Bouncy, bouncy cherry blast. I'm really hungry. Can I please get the, the Nutter Butter? Yeah.

Uh, big boy Sunday surprise. Do you want that slappy sized? Please. Of course. I want a slappy size. Now with the cake, when they give it to you,

they have to flip it over, right? They do flip it over. Make sure the cake, when they give it to you, they have to flip it over, right? They do flip it over and make sure the picture of Pikachu doesn't fall off. Bart Simpson's hair got fucked up.

I need a new cake. You guys legally have to give me a new cake. I know the law, asshole. Oh man, can you imagine every week they must have tons of cakes that get sent back that the employees get to just eat as much as they

want you know my only problem with Dairy Queen and as I mentioned it is my favorite restaurant and I don't even like the hot food is that it it's expensive like I will go to you know get a thing of

Haagen-Dazs, a pint of Haagen-Dazs, and it'll be like six bucks, and I'm like, that's too much. But you get a same size Blizzard and it's nine dollars or something crazy. Well, with inflation, they've really knocked it off. Yeah, but with the DQ app, you can accumulate points, you can save on...

And honestly, if you save your receipts and you get all the free dilly bars, what you can do is you can take those home and mash them up oh they're made of ice melt yeah yeah you can make them do one time i i went through i was there's like a dairy queen very close to my house that i've always gone to and i was like a little bit uh dairy no i don't want people to know okay um northeast calgarygary, there's a Dairy Queen there. Sure. It's a good Dairy Queen. Hasn't really, you know, quality stayed pretty good over the years.

Okay. Pretty frozen. Because I feel like over the years, the blizzards have gotten less frozen. I feel like they're a little meltier than they were when I was a kid. This is global warming, probably. Yeah, you're right. Yeah. It's affected them most of all, if you ask me.

It's affected me most of all. One time I was a little bit stoned and I was going through the drive-thru. I was getting a blizzard and there's like a- In the passenger seat. In the passenger seat. I mean, it's not a far drive. I mean- But you were in the passenger seat.

I was in the passenger seat. Or the backseat. These are options. I was ghost riding my whip through the a far drive. I mean. But you were in the passenger seat. I was in the passenger seat. Or the backseat. These are options. I was ghost riding my whip through the DQ drive-thru so that the law couldn't tail me. And there was like a 16-year-old like behind the counter like who was like giving me the blizzard. And there was something about his. He's giving me the blizzard.

He's giving me the cold. He's really breaking my ball. There was something about the way that he looked that night that I was like, this guy hates his life and I need to let him know how appreciative I am that he's doing this. And then he flipped the blizzard upside down and I went, wow. The guy's like, oh, yeah, I guess I did do it pretty good tonight all right well i mean that is really the the you know we'll find out if they're getting if they're not cold enough because they'll slide right out that's right yeah i always make them hold it upside down a couple extra seconds you know what i like time with fire does every dairy queen have this? But like The handle on the door is a giant red spoon

Yep I only started noticing that in the last few years I like the idea of somebody buying A second hand fridge from DQ and just having the spoons On the door still Maybe paint them gold or something like that To match their fancy decor

Yeah every meal they have They have to take like icing and just put a stewie griffin on a steak they have to like i can't eat this unless it cut it in the shape of stewie griffin and then do a speech bubble says lois what is the happy birthday lois what is the and and that's your New Brunswick accent. What is the licensing deal that Dairy Queen has? They're just free to put whatever character they want on their cake? I think so.

You know, they've got the big book that you can flip. Yeah. I feel like every, Safeway does the same thing where it's like, we've got four designs. Which one is most you or your friend that you're giving this to or son or daughter? Um, what, what would be your optimum,

like best ice cream cake design? What are you, what are you, what would be the dream cake? I mean, you can, you can say anything. It's the whole thing is,

this is, is drawn to look perfectly like the Bubba Gump restaurant. It's got the walls. It's 3D. What are the walls like at Bubba Gump? I assume they have fun Southern stuff on them. Yeah. You know, I picture like fishnets hanging from the wall.

Oh, maybe all the waitresses wear fishnet stockings. Exactly. Just like the movie. They all have AIDS. They all have aids or are you know uh lost both their legs yeah um tom hanks has ever been there i wonder chet hanks definitely has yeah yeah chet hanks goes up there and raises yeah storm yeah um what yeah he also in the movie drinks 15 dr peppers that's maybe that's gonna be on the menu it's gotta be on the menu it's more in the book yeah he drinks way more now what would

you do if you went into dairy queen and you were flipping through the book and it was um you got to like like the the middle of the book and it was just a picture of you in your house wow that's like uh that's like a uh through the window you if you look at it with uh this is from like a twitter account that does rejected black mirror it's very hot in uh vulture for a week and in the cake there's a picture of you cutting into the cake and then on and so on and so on into a fit. So that's what you would get a picture of yourself in your house. In my house on my last birthday, cutting into the cake. Yeah, from last year.

And then it just kind of just it's sacred geometry. Top to bottom. Yeah. That sounds great. Dave? Oh oh we're going around with this we're going around the horn huh looks around the room i don't know uh i guess i just giant pair of honkers yeah yeah yeah you know what make them any color you want that's the employees choice. Give me some blue ones. Give me the three boobs from Total Recall.

That's too big a cake, sir. You can have two or one, but not three. Can you put two treats of pizzas together on top of the cake? Yeah. And make them look like a big set of knockers. Yeah. Come on, I'm a simple man. It's my fucking birthday come on yeah i'm ordering this for myself

give me a little slack man i'm gonna eat this in my car by myself yeah and my three-moved wife just left me flip it upside down on on the back on the bottom is this happy birthday yeah shit whoa how about you graham um i mean the studio griffin one is awfully tempting sure um but i'm gonna have to say uh just the face of marlon brando oh what era uh handsome era oh okay wild one era so he's wearing the hat oh nice kind of like on the waterfront backseat of the car yeah yeah yeah speech in the speech bubble it has the whole monologue or it just says eat my shorts i don't remember marlon brando saying huge cake huge cake you should have you my older brother tom you should have looked out for me a

little bit. This guy knows the whole speech. Well, he read the books. Did you have to memorize that in an acting class?

No, but one day I hope to perform it as a monologue. Yeah. Are you an actor at all? I am an actor.

I don't know, you know. Who's to say Have you taken acting classes And had to memorize monologues I've done that Before I'm going to acting school

Next month That's why I'm moving to New York Oh yeah Yeah So what Not just for the orthodonture No well That was a big part

Of what brought me down there Is how They told me how wide They could make my palate And I was like I gotta see this Forget about your canadian palate we go texas style um so is this uh is this like a degree program or is this a two-year

one-year intensive it's like a two-year thing two-year thing okay your program yeah i've done i've done some acting before i mean the first that was the first thing i did before i did stand up i did a couple plays i was in the count of monte cristo oh yeah yeah playing whom uh fernand oh it was the fernand mondego is he a bad guy he's a bad guy he's a bad guy who stole his identity he stole he stole he stole his wife he sold the count's wife yeah he stole edmond dantes' wife Oh I guess yeah The Edmond Dantes has a fake identity

He becomes the count Of Monte Cristo So what happens Fernand Frames I don't know any of this stuff This is fascinating to me Fernand frames

Edmond Dantes for I believe a murder Yeah Fernand Kills Some Some old man And I believe he

I could be wrong The real The Monte Cristo heads out there are going to Yeah, they're in like, he gets imprisoned, doesn't he? And then the old man tells him there's a treasure and he can find the treasure. Oh yes. When does he get the iron mask put on? That's in the

prequel. It's the same writer, right? Yeah, I think so. Dumas. Alexandre Dumas. Dumish. Dumas, they call them in school i remember you're writing your sandwich book again did you see the movie with guy pierce i did see it um i uh remember when that came out the uh trailer for it that's another one where I was like I don't know

I'll read the book of this this trailer looks good I should read the I know it's a famous book I should read it he goes to prison for way longer in the book

yeah it's rollicking and bawdy but in the trailer it said this summer count on revenge

oh shit man and that sold me that's good that's really good yeah yeah so you were in that

were you in you said you were in a couple I was in that and then I was in uh uh Holmes and Watson we did a Sherlock Holmes play

and you were Moriarty oh damn you're like Mr. Bad Guy yeah you've been typecast yeah do you think it has anything to do with the mustache?

I didn't have one back then, but my energy maybe. You had a villainous energy? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Something about me. Ooh, boy. The early aughts was a good time for villains. Yeah, what other villains are there in plays?

Dr. Evil. Darth Vader. Darth Vader. Dr. Evil Darth Vader Darth Vader for sure you could get a novelization of Buster Powers

I played the bad guy yeah we did a play version of 2001 A Space Odyssey I played Hal I was inside that box yeah it was tough for me

because I had to call another guy Dave my name's Dave. The real Dave's not here, man. That's great. Do you feel like you're a good villain actor? Did the roles end there? Have you auditioned for bad guys for bad guys

I played like a bully in this one thing in this one show in like a very like a very 80s style bully sure yeah where it was just like

oh look who's here well if it isn't dumbass it really I think my line was well look look who it is guys it's asshole

we don't work very hard on the name, but you get the gist. Hey, Asshole. It's actually what Moriarty says in Holmes and Watson as well. Well, if it isn't Mr. Asshole. Deduce this, motherfucker. It's all been part of my plan, Asshole. Elementary. You suck. That's what i found out elementary still on there

uh i don't know what that is you remember when there was like 10 sherlock holmes shows happening at the same time yeah like there were two shows and two some movies a couple wasn't robert downey jr like a real cut uh kind of chiseled uh because i feel like there's a scene where he does a bare knuckle boxing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Guy Fieri's. Yeah, it was Guy Fieri's Sherlock Holmes. Who's the director?

No, it was Guy Fieri. Guy Piercieri. Not Guy Piercieri either. Who was married to Madonna? Guy Ritchie. Guy Ritchie. No, but it wasn't Guy Ritchie. It was Guy Fieri.

Oh, shit. Guy Fieri's Sherlock Holmes Yeah And the Hounds of Flavortown Oh and then That's good Not bad Not bad at all

For the Holmes heads Yeah For the Watson heads And then there was The Benedict Cumberbatch Yeah TV show There was the

Johnny Lee Miller TV show With Lucy Liu With Johnny Lee Miller TV show. With Lucy Liu? With Lucy Liu. Yeah, Lucy Liu. Oh, this guy needs a palette expanding. This guy needs a Texas style. And then there was the Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly movie.

Yeah, which was, I think, universally panned. I think it didn't do well. But you know what? Sherlock Holmes, keep making versions of it. Yeah. Eventually, everybody will find their version that they like. I think I watched all of them. Oh, no, I only did.

The one I liked the best was the Benedict Cumberbatch one, and then I realized I didn't watch any of the other ones. Yeah, I liked that one. That one was out around the time that I was doing the play. Oh, shit. Okay. And I was like, let me not. I don't want to copy Andrew Scott's performance. I can't look at it. I was doing the play. Oh shit, okay. And I was like, let me not, let me not. I don't want to copy Andrew Scott's performance.

I can't look at it too much. 17 years old. I was like, I can't look at it too much. Too much. I can watch it a little. I can look at a glossy photo. I can go through the first few episodes before you know he's there. That's cool, man.

I was going to be an actor. Yeah, we'll see. You have to have your emotions right there under the service. You gotta, you gotta be able to access those emotions. You gotta bleed in front of the camera. Yeah. Absolutely. You gotta give it all.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kill your darlings. Yeah. That's right. Uh, spite your lovers. Yeah.

Um, gump your shrimp. Dave, what's going on with you my friend oh boy what is going on with me who boy well as you mentioned i had a weekend of a birthday um birthday weekend yeah i had a whole weekend birthday weekend um no we had a birthday party for my daughter. Happy birthday. Yeah, her daughter. Her birthday is on Christmas Eve, so we do it. Do it in advance? She gets to steal my birthday. Oh, that's nice.

Yeah. Aw. And then. You can pick your birthday then. I guess so. She could do like July. Yeah. Fourth of July.

How about that? Fireworks everywhere? Yeah. Born on the Fourth of July. How about that? Fireworks everywhere. Yeah. Born on the fourth of July. Wasn't that, that's basically a Lieutenant Dan. Yeah, it's sort of a Lieutenant Dan, where's my parade? It's you on your birthday. Yeah.

You don't get that. Where's my birthday? We do, yeah, we do a Good Morning Vietnam one. I never saw that. What about, yeah, if you got like a cameo from Adrian Kronauer, who is the guy who plays in Good Morning Vietnam. Adrian Kronauer? Yeah. Who does he play?

He plays Adrian Kronauer. That's who Robin Williams plays. Yes. A real guy? A real guy. Based on a true story. Based on a true story. So is who Robin Williams plays. Yes. A real guy? A real guy. Based on a true story. Based on a true story. So is Forrest Gump.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Clubber as well, based on a true story. That's interesting. Yeah, I heard that. Yeah. But it was actually about the nuclear bomb. Yeah. Yeah.

They kind of softened it for the kid crowd. Yeah. It was plutonium. This thing can get you anything you want. We had a birthday party and there were, we just had it here,

which is, you know, you win some, you lose some. Sure. The kids, Poppy didn't want to go like to a party place.

Okay. And, and, she's off the list. We were like, two hours of entertaining kids. It's to a party place. Okay. And, uh, and she's off the list. We were like two hours of entertaining kids. It's going to be rough. Yeah. It was fine.

Plus, you know, kids showed up late, left early. Just, uh, uh, just a courtesy visit.

Just to say, I've been there. Yeah. A little cameo. Um, that's cute as hell. What, what does a kid's party need a theme? The theme was going to, last year Bobby's theme was Baby Yoda.

Yeah. And that was great. We got a little Baby Yoda plates. We had so many decorations and, you know, napkins and we had a Baby Yoda cake. This year she wanted Lieutenant um, Lieutenant Dan. I was going to say Count of Monte Cristo. She wanted, uh, who's the, what's the name of the cat? It's a cat who's in San Rio, but not Hello Kitty.

Um, yeah, this is a deep cut. Yeah. A little gray. Heathcliff. It was a deep cut. Yeah. A little gray. Heathcliff. It was a Heathcliff party. She's just reading books that are in the back of people's toilets. I feel like that's where you want a Marmaduke party. Yeah.

We're all doing Dilbert. Dilbert themed birthday. I can't even enjoy Dilbert anymore because of that guy. I used to just sit there and laugh and laugh oh yeah I used to howl I'm googling this cat I cannot find this cat

anyway it's a boy it's a very cute cat cartoon? cartoon yeah not grumpy cat, but it's not, apparently it's not Sanrio.

Cause when you Google gray Sanrio cat, you get, you get, um, you get Hello Kitty and gray. Um, but apparently this cat was too hard to find decorations of. So we,

we downgraded it to cats. Oh, and then that even got downgraded to dogs because we found some good dog-like decorations. So it was this specific cat to cats to dogs. Yes. So it wasn't any cat stuff? Pusheen.

The cat is Pusheen. Can I see a picture of Pusheen? Yeah, just let me know. I think we'd all like to see a photo of this. Yeah, sorry. That darn cat. Yeah. See if it's ringing any bells.

Yeah, I mean, it was. Pusheen. Is that like, oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, Pusheen. Well, Ben's Pusheen, legal name is Poo Estivets, but change it to Pusheen for Hollywood. That's very good. But we did get a Pusheen cake.

My sister's a cake smith. And Pusheen's like a gray, looks like an oval. His head's at the top, little smaller face at the top, and then looks like a big round Barbara Papa. Yeah, very cuddly looking cat. Yeah, almost like my neighbor Totoro a little bit. Yeah, yeah. In the shape of Totoro.

Sorry, yeah, yeah. I should have Goog neighbor Totoro a little yeah yeah in the shape of Totoro sorry yeah yeah I should have said I should have googled Totoro shaped cat um and so we got uh we had a party where there was pizza pie damn it that sounds so good um so Poppy is she's turning seven uh and she was like the last few months she was like, the last few months, she was like, I hate pizza. What? Poppy, knock it off. I know. It made my life very difficult, because I'm like, this is the food that is universally adored.

Wait, did you show her Ninja Turtles? Yeah, I did. Oh, and she still didn't want? She still didn't want pizza. Wow, that's crazy. And she was like, don't even say pizza around me. I'm going to barf. Wow.

So you're just like, I'm going to the hut without you because you don't like a certain flat yes i'm going to uh play a certain game of tiles with numbers on them i get i'm playing like a mahjong yeah um so i uh went uh but then like three weeks ago she went to someone else's birthday party and they served pizza and i was like you'll be stuck eating pizza yeah but uh she came out of that birthday party and she was like i love pizza okay so she just needed uh she just needed she turns out she hated boston pizza she loves domino's pizza. Okay. She doesn't like Boston pizza? She doesn't like Boston pizza. Now, the Boston pizza,

and because they sponsored the tour that I was just on. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I got to be careful here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't shit talk their heart-shaped pizza they put out on Valentine's Day. Boston is not known for pizza.

Disagree. Yeah, no. No, you're not going to win this one, Malik. It's Boston pizza and Napoli beans. That's the two. Yeah, baked beans. Yeah, clay oven beans. Yeah, exactly.

No, it's not known for that. And you, we talked a few weeks ago, you think it was named after someone named Boston. Yeah. Which is not true either. I don't even you think it was named after someone named Boston. Yeah. Which is not true either. I don't even think the guy who owns it is from Boston. Nope. It's a purely Canadian company.

I'm going to break your heart about New York fries. What? Don't. No. Huh? That's why you're moving to New York? They don't leave the skin on them over there like that? You can't even get like whatever weird flavors of fries they have.

Lowry? Seasoning salt. Lowry? Pina Colada. You can get some Pina Colada fries. I feel like they do weird gravies. Marshmallow fries. They do weird curry fries or whatever. That's new.

That's new. The butter chicken poutine, that's new. That's what I was thinking. When I was a kid They didn't It was the works Yeah Where you get a poutine

Did they have hot dogs back then? They had hot dogs You know I've never had A New York fries hot dog Just have a New York hot dog While you're there I'll have one of those Have you heard their theme song

For their hot dogs? Let's hear it I want a hot dog A juicy quarter pound hot dog Topped with loaded toppings. Like chili, cheese, bacon. Fully loaded with delicious toppings. This is real?

This is real. There's something to sing about it. Just in time for Blink-182 to reunite. Are you serious? Yeah. Do you want to hear it again? Yeah. Can we run that back, please?

Can I hear the tape? I want a hot dog, A juicy quarter pound hot dog. Topped with loaded toppings. Like chili, cheese, and bacon. Fully loaded with delicious toppings. Give your taste buds something to sing about at New York Fries. Love that. Pop punk.

It sounds like you're a big New York Fries fan. I am a big New York Fries fan. I didn't know about the lore, though. This is... I didn't know about the lore. This is new. This is new. This is new lore. This is brand new hot dog. about the lore. This is new. This is new. This is new lore.

This is brand new. This is like a new commercial? New song? Yeah. I like that they're trying to stay, like, you know, stay hot and fresh. Yeah, well, we got really into this commercial for a while. We were contacted by New York Fries corporate. They were like, we're not looking to advertise right now, but we appreciate you.

And we're like, hey, it would be great to, you know, collab on something in the future. And then we did a diss track and they were like, what the fuck? Yeah. The guy from, okay. So on the last night of this tour, sponsored by Boston Pizza. Sure. The owner of Boston Pizza Was to come backstage

After the show Jim Tree Living? I guess so Yeah Well I don't know his name Because I'll tell you what He never showed Fuck

He never showed Big time He never showed up And you know what We ordered so much Boston Pizza So that he could see In the green room We had so much Boston Pizza

To pay respects Yeah yeah yeah Yeah You know which ravioli I ate just to make The man happy And I never Got to meet him

But you didn't Have to eat it You could have Thrown it in the garbage Still would have Pissed him off I yeah And they gave me

All kinds of Boston pizza merch Really Yeah I got like A hoodie I got a hoodie And like a bucket hat And stuff like that

But we gave it I made my cousin Wear all of it This is all of the The Boston pizza Oh but we gave it i made my cousin wear all of it this is all of the the boss oh shit we gave it to him because he's always taking his girlfriend to boston pizza and we're like you should take this yeah yeah where it's a hoodie with little boston pizza logos on it as opposed to why i went to wendy's a week ago uh maybe for my birthday and there was a uh the woman working the drive-thru, I guess it was cold.

She had a really nice, um, like, uh, quilted, uh, jacket, winter coat. And then she turned around, it was like black with a red and white stripe, but she turned around, had the Wendy's logo on the back. I was like, they're doing Wendy's winter wear. That's nice I like it I like the sound Of it a lot

You can't ask them To put a frosty Upside down You can ask them But Here's a question Was there Boston Pizza In every stop

In the green room Was there always Boston Pizza Or just on the last day Or was it just With that one Now just so you know We know his name

Because he listens To the show The president of Boston Yeah And his name because he listens to the show, the president of Boston. Yeah. And his name is Jim Tree Living. Jim Tree Living. And you know what? The spirit of Boston Pizza was there. Okay.

I think my face was on televisions in Boston Pizzas around the country. Shit. For the last three months. So that's, they've just been playing your shows that they taped on Hulu? Yeah. Yeah. They just been playing your shows that they taped on Hulu? Yeah. Yeah. They've been playing the whole- Not just a promotional picture, but like they play the whole show.

Yeah, they play the whole show. My whole set from the tour, in every stop. They played the Moncton set specifically. Oh, yeah. No, that was a good set. Yeah, first stop of the tour, they were like, let's play Moncton. Yeah, if you go to Boston Pizza's website, you can watch all the tours. Now that it's over, they've published it.

Well, you have to have the Boston Pizza app on your Roku TV. Oh, man, if Boston Pizza started their own TV channel. I do love when that sort of thing happens. You watch this media on this app on this one platform, and then when it comes out that 800 people in the world bothered to do that. Yeah. I don't think I've ever been on a tour that's been sponsored by somebody. So that's interesting.

Yeah. I'm going to wear the hoodie. When I was a kid and I went and saw the first JFL tour I'd ever seen, it was sponsored by Cravenay Cigarettes. Oh, wow. And so they had a special, you know, the green guy, Victor? Yeah. They had a red guy, and I think he, don't quote me on this, but I think he might have been smoking.

Wow. Yo, I want, I need a poster of that. I need that. Well, my performances on the tour were sponsored by Paul Mall Bold. Paul Mall Bold, specifically that. That I Yeah Well my performances On the tour Were sponsored by Paul Maul Bold Paul Maul Bold Specifically Not Paul Maul Paul Maul Bold

Are you a smoker? Yeah Right now I am But I'm You know what I'm not a smoker Oh okay I'm trying to use that

Are you smoking Paul Mauls? Smoking Paul Mauls Now they are Longer cigarettes Paul Mauls? No I think They're just regular size i get a king size okay yeah i used yeah king size did you smoke ever i did no i've never palm oils no what was what did you smoke i well i started when this tour came through calgary and

they even and i was like huh i guess i could give it a shot okay if they're doing it no i was players or um demoriae oh yeah those were my i was a Belmont guy when they used to have colors on the pack. Yeah. When they used to have those when I was a child. How do you get around now the disgustingness of the covers? The covers? It makes me sick. You know that they're literally going to put warnings on the cigarettes?

I saw that. Yeah. They started doing that. Not for every cigarette, but. Yeah. But like Canada's way out front. I think New Zealand did it and had much success with it. So it's like actually on the cigarette sales.

Morning, don't put up your butt. Don't smoke me. Yeah. I hate the color brown. I'm quitting. Paul Mall always made me think of Paul Mall of. The dish soap. The dish soap.

Yeah. Uh, so that's cool. Uh, what's going on with you? Well, much like Malik, I was on a, I was on a tour, mini tour, not come, you know, it wasn't 17 dates. It was like 10, 10 dates or eight. No, 10 shows. 10 dates sounds like, uh, uh, like my wife's really sounds like, you know. Hey, hey.

Like my wife's really, you know. Hey. She's got pina colada disease over here. PQD? When did you get a tie? You're adjusting your tie. Hot in here. 10 dates, you say.

But stayed in a very wide range of hotels. From just average. I like a plain, you know, Best Western or something like that. Because a lot of times, they got a little fridge and a microwave in there. You can kind of take some breakfast stuff from the continental breakfast, save it for later. Pop it in the old microwave. But then the fancier it gets, the less amenities it seems to have, right?

Yeah, well, yeah. You know that you can request a microwave. You can? At every hotel. No. You can be like, bring me a microwave, please. And they'll bring it to you. Is there a pizza pop inside? I don't know how they Yeah, if you ask for it to you. Is there a pizza pop inside? I don't know how they, yeah, if you ask for it, yeah. They,

okay, one time I, One microwave coming up, sir. In Regina, I was like, right when I got there, I was like,

hey, do you think you guys could bring me up a microwave? And then, I laid on my bed, facing away from the door, noise canceling headphones on, and just waited for a while. It was like, it was like 20 minutes, and I was like, oh, they still haven't brought the microwave. And then I go check the door noise canceling headphones on and just waited for a while it was like it's like

20 minutes and i was like oh they still haven't brought the microwave and then i go check the door i was like maybe they left one in like outside the front door and then i went back and i looked at my desk and there was a microwave sitting there so they had come in while you were noise can while i was noise canceled and just like put it there and then just walked away so and then on the little timer thing it just kept saying your name picture a cake with a picture of you on it yeah melted ice cream cake inside of it um have you seen the uh all right i don't know if it's even a meme but there's like an internet theory that went around that no two people have the same microwave oh yeah sure like it's a thing that you buy and it's not part of like they switch them up often enough i went to a party at a house that had a built into the wall

microwave like it was from probably the early 80s i have a built into the wall microwave that you put in there or is actually like that like this was part of the wall what's part of between the cabinets but do you can you remove it no oh really it's like made of drywall like how part of the wall was it it's like flush with the wall i've never seen that i've seen them on shelves i have one on a shelf and i'll tell you uh what else my last place also it was built in microwave and wall but it was a microwave in oven hood. Oh. Wow. Oven and then microwave

on top. Yeah, stove hood. Nice. Nice. Do you like it when you, let's say you're going to put 10 seconds on the clock. This is great.

I love this kind of talk. You're going to put 10 seconds on the microwave, but you press the one and it automatically just starts up a minute. I hate that. I hate that.

Yeah. Here's a fun thing my microwave does is if you want to dial up, there's a dial. You have a dial. I was going to I hate that. Yeah. Here's a fun thing my microwave does is if you want to dial up, there's a dial. You have a dial, I was going to ask. Dial up, dial down.

Dial's nice. It's nice. It makes a little ticking sound too. It's very satisfying. So it's not very sensitive. You can take your time with it. Yeah.

But it's fun. It's fun to like, you know, go through a whole hour that way. Yeah. Yeah. You can do it for a whole hour.

When you're slow cooking a pizza pop um the uh my microwave is called the genius that's the brand name but is it like a genius it's in the yeah it's a he's a bully it's a sarcastic genius um and uh uh i like uh so when you're doing like like say something, you got a piece of pizza. How long are you putting that in for? 45 seconds. Yeah, I'm thinking 40 seconds. 40 seconds, but then it's going to come out way too hot.

And if you have 45 seconds, are you going to write, are you going to do 45? Because this is Adam Carolla, the great comedian. Yeah, Dave's favorite. Listens to it every morning I used to listen to him on Loveline and he had he was like

you'll save so much time microwave it's all random anyway you'll save so much time if you're gonna do 45 seconds just do 4-4 you don't have to move

your finger around to a different button yes and then you'll save over your lifetime you'll save so much time yeah two years you get an extra two years at the end of your life so but i was like oh that makes

sense and i still do it something's 10 seconds no 11 what if yeah when you're dying difference they get you like kind of like how they ask if you want points at the end like do you collect points and when you're just about to die they're're like, guess what? You saved two years. So you get to live the next two years. Oh, so you, yeah. Yeah. By like,

uh, putting your socks and shoes and jumping into those. I'm 113 years old. And they're like, just say one 11. Oh boy. To be 111 and then almost die. And they're like,

no, you get two more years. I'm like, can I please not? Yeah. You got, you got some genius points stored up. But I also discovered, and we'll get back to you.

Yes, thank you. I talked about this a while ago, is microwaves have power levels? Have you ever experimented with that? Never known what to do with that. I always keep it on a medium. I mean, I think mine automatically goes to high. I've never been inside of a microwave, so I don't know what the power levels are. Oh, you got him, man.

I have to stick your head in there and do a couple of rotations. I'm cold. I had to warm. Well, this will warm you up, man. I had to quickly warm up some quiche, and I was like, well, normally I'd put it back in the oven. I don't have time for that, but a microwave is going to kill it. I Googled, how do you warm up quiche in the microwave? They said, use the power levels.

Oh, okay. Go it on a low power. Okay. But yeah, I was in two hotels, use the power levels. Going on low power. Okay. But yeah, I was in two hotels and one was... Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no. That's it. We're off a microwave. We're moving on.

I find my wireless... No, no, no, no, no. I want to change my Dairy Queen cake answer to a genius microwave. A Panasonic genius. I find my wireless headphones don't work when I'm using them. Nope. Nope. Uh,

I was staying in a hotel room and it was a calamity. I don't think I've stayed in a hotel room. That's had more things go wrong with it than this hotel room. It, uh, they had a little fridge. Didn't work. Uh,

went to go take a shower before the show, uh, shower broke. The whole head of the shower snapped off and then there was just the hose was whipping around and also you couldn't get hot water before the thing snapped so there's no hot water the thing snapped the thing soaked the whole bathroom uh they had put the bath mat in the shower so there's just a soaking wet towel on the floor. So it snapped off. I was mid shampoo and lather.

Yeah. I was lathered up. I was ready to go. That's why I, cause it was like a one you could take off and spray all over. Snapped. You didn't know your own strength. Yeah. And this,

or it didn't, I didn't know its own weakness. But yeah, this, uh, hose whipped around like in a cartoon like in a you know fireman cartoon yeah um meet the firemen's or something like that sure felix the cat and the fireman graham wasn't allowed to watch the top tier cartoons that's all my family could afford That's all my family could afford.

Felix or lower. Betty Boop. Yeah. But yeah, so that broke. And then I eventually turned it off. Like it took me a couple of tries to turn it off because the thing was the thing was broken, too. So eventually I got it turned off and I'm like, OK, got to call the front desk. Had to rinse out the hair by holding the hose and spraying it on my head to rinse out. Dry off in the microwave. Yeah, exactly. It didn't have a microwave

in this room. Are you kidding me? There's no way. Fridge didn't work. Go to call front desk. Phone's broken. So I have to find out the phone number of the hotel, call them from my phone, and tell them like hey your fridge

or your shower's snapped in half and they're like another thing your fridge doesn't work the phone doesn't work and they said well we'll send the maintenance man right up and i was like no no no like i'm only staying here for the night i don't want to be waiting on some fucking maintenance man to come in and do just so you know when it's when i leave this isn't my fault that's exactly what I was calling I was like this I'm not

allowing this to be on my like credit card because it broke when I was here my permanent record and it's like the plastic part had snapped right off

you were like this is something out of a Felix the cat cartoon you're like huh? nothing nevermind

specifically Felix of the fireman so the guy does come up which I didn't ask I said

no no it's fine like I'm not going to use the shower oh yeah I was just hoping to see

you in your towel so this guy comes up and he he tests the phone and I'm like

well why would I fucking make up that the phone is broken he takes the receiver and listens to it and goes man this phone is broken I was like, well, why would I fucking make up that the phone is broken? He takes the receiver and listens to it

and goes, man, this phone is broken. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. As reported. Starts taking off his clothes in the camera. I'm going to try to take a shower here. Now we're going to retrace your step. You say, I'll just lather up my hair really quick. I've got a six pack of ice cold beers.

Let's see if they're still cold in a few hours. But I'm just going to wait around here. So he goes back in. He says he's fixed the shower. I'm like, I'm not going in there. But he most definitely did not fix the shower. There's no way he clamped something on. He's like, it's fixed. And I'm like, well, it's not.

And I'm like, same solution for the phone. Clamp. So telling the people we're on tour with Steve Patterson and Kelly, Katie, Ellen Humphries, we're laughing. Oh, the hotel room, how horrible it is. Go back that night. Forget temporarily that everything in the room is broken. Hang up my jacket on the hook falls out of the ball.

This is like an inception dream that isn't built strong enough. I would love it if the phone broke in the same way as the shower. The wires just went through. Words are shooting out. And it was one of the like nicer branded hotels you know it wasn't like a Best Western

or a Sandman or whatever so and those are the best places I stayed were in the Sandman also like I can't have I'm allergic to feather pillows

so everywhere you go you have to have feather pillows at the Best Western they're like we found a lot of people who were complaining about their feather pillows

so we switched so I was like well this is reviving they poke you yeah and i'm allergic and you're allergic and also like i can find out that they're feather pillows by just opening the uh the case and see there's like tiny little feathers sticking out between the little weave so but would they replace them with something you're even more allergic to shrimp tail that's what you get for staying at bubblegum's hotel chain you can't even go near a bubblegum no you probably got hives just from watching that scene yeah and

i you know what i'm sad about it but i still got boston pizza so i'm fine unless they start making a shrimp pizza which they almost assuredly oh of course they have that yeah have you got the shrimp fries in your cries the shrimp hot dog it's the only hot dog made out of shrimp yeah sounds great it doesn't look good no i guess not i mean i love shrimp i love sausages but i don't want to well i mean if they weren't if they're not making them then they're probably like i feel like chefs are trying a lot of stuff and if i'm not seeing that on menus it's probably because it's bad somebody has tried it yeah yeah what do you think was in that hot tub you just ate well i don't know it wasn't very good it was shrimp oh no oh shit um what should we move on to some overheards if you're black you probably love you some paramour

huh or what about the tv show golden girls ginger ale daytime television don't lie i know you love at least one of them i'm sequoia holmes pop culturist and host of black people love paramour contrary to the title it is not a podcast about the band paramour each episode i along a special guest co-host, dissect one pop culture topic that mainstream media doesn't necessarily associate with black people, but we know we like. Tune in every other Thursday to the podcast that's dedicated to helping black people feel more seen. Black People of Paramore is now on the Maximum Fun Network. Check out the most recent episode featuring Char Giselle today. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun, and I have a special announcement.

I'm no longer embarrassed by my brother, my brother, and me. You know, for years, each new episode of this supposed advice show was a fresh insult, a depraved jumble of erection jokes, ghost humor, and frankly, this is for the best, very little actionable advice. But now, as they enter their twilight years, I'm as surprised as anyone to admit that it's gotten kind of good. Justin, Travis, and Griffin's witticisms are more refined,

like a humor column in a fancy magazine. And they hardly ever say bazinga anymore. So, after you've completely finished listening to every single one of all of our other shows, why not join the McElroy Brothers every week for My Brother, My Brother and Me? Overheard. Overheards. overheard overheards segment on the show where if you hear it we love it and uh you know said well you don't love all of them but you know we love a good portion of them and if you want to send one into the show you can send one into spy maximum fun.org We always like to start with the guest Malik. Do you have an overheard? Yeah. Okay.

So, so I was on like planes for, uh, for days. Yeah. Yeah. Many days. And so like,

there's times where you don't get enough sleep or you're on like a, like a, like a six hour flight or something like that. So are you doing shows every night in different cities? We have like a couple days off maybe. We had, it was 17 shows in 24 days. So we had like days off in certain places. And you'll fly out the next morning or later that night?

After a show. In the morning a lot of the time. Or we'd have like a couple, like in Toronto we got to stay a couple of days. And I was on a plane. Like a pro athlete. Yeah. It felt like it. I like, the back of my knee was swollen after like the third show.

And I was like, I'm not doing anything. I don't know why. Well, you're not doing sit down comedy. Okay. Yeah. All right. How much time were you doing on this show? 20 minutes.

Everybody's doing 20? Everybody's doing 20. Roy was doing 20 off the top. Time in between everybody. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of a presents but you know

there's times where i'd be you know wanted to sleep so i'd like i'd like take a little like edible or something to go on the plane you know to get a microwave and then put on the noise canceling headphones yeah yeah yeah yeah i'd ask them to turn the coffee upside down before they gave it to me. Oh, dude, it splashed again. And I was, I think I was like a little like sleep deprived and I was trying to fall asleep. And there was like a white couple next to me and they were, I was trying to fall asleep. Fuck these assholes, right? I was trying to fall asleep. But they were like speaking to each other in like these weird like alien noises. Like.

They were going like. And I was like, I'm not supposed to be hearing this. They think I'm asleep. They think they're safe to do this. They were going like, but then I just, I realized they were just speaking Spanish. Surprise twist.

I'm just not used to it. It's really close though. I do Duolingo. Oh, it's really close though I do Duolingo oh it's Australian yeah it was I was really scared for a moment and then I was like oh no I think

I think that's racist well it was the drugs talking have you been in a hotel that has edibles I think that's racist. Well, it was the drugs talking. Have you been in a hotel that has edibles in the mini bar? No. No, what? That's a thing? I've seen them, I think, in two countries.

Huh, where? Once in Montreal and once in London. Huh, wow. There's nothing you can do to replace that. It's not like you can Eat a Mars bar And then go pick up A Mars bar And just slide it Back in there

Where you can get Those edibles Yeah In London Yeah whatever $80 edibles I don't know What's a bad price

For edibles Yeah I feel like Two times on this episode I've mentioned Marijuana uses So I just like to say I've given this stuff up Yeah yeah yeah

You're purely cigarettes Yeah Now yeah I'm treating myself Unless your mom's List yeah, yeah. You're purely cigarettes. Yeah, now, yeah, I'm treating myself. Unless your mom's listening, in which case you're clean living. Yeah. Soup. I only am addicted to your soup, mom.

So, you know, I was just thinking of what language I would not be able to pick out of a just hearing it. But Spanish might be the one. It was something about just the way that they look that I just assumed that they would speak English. So then when they weren't doing it, I was like, they're aliens. You're like that woman on the plane. Nobody trusts them. They're not real. They probably have long tongues and all sorts of shit.

Because they speak Spanish? No, just because they're aliens. Dave, do you have one over here? I do. I think I'll do this one. So on Friday last week, it was pajama day at my kid's school. Did you also wear pajamas? No.

That'd be fun though. Drop them off. It was my birthday. I don't have to do anything. I don't have to do anything I don't want to. Cry if I want to. Yeah, yeah. So Dave sat in bed all day and cried.

Yeah. That's how I choose my favorite thing to do is cry. And then, so, but even the teachers were wearing pajamas. It was a fun thing. Kids come to school in their pajamas. A little bit too, you kind of learn too much about these other kids. And like, oh, these are your pajamas? Yeah.

Also, there's no teacher just wearing underwear. Like, that's how I sleep. I thought we were supposed to go the way I sleep. So, there was one uh so a teacher comes out like all the kids are waiting outside the teachers bring them into school yeah so you wait with your class outside and the teacher comes against you um and so this class of grade threes was waiting out outside uh uh, within earshot of me. And then their teacher came out and,

uh, heard one of the kids say, I see Mrs. So-and-so. Ooh, bathrobe. Oh, nice.

Nice. I remember as a, in high school, there would be the day where you were cleaning out your locker and everybody had their yearbook. And I remember wearing a robe and pajamas to school and every single thing said nice pajamas yeah cool robe i was like why did i do that for attention i suppose i remember i had one uh comment about my hair that day like dave you're

trying the wet look today i prefer it uh the other way comb straight back yeah well because green is good that's why that's a villain you could uh memorize oh yeah you could be a gecko gordon gecko who's he from again from wall street starling charlie poutine poutine and uh and then was um Michael Douglas Michael Douglas is Gordon Gekko yeah Michael Douglas and he says

greed is good greed is good okay I think he says greed I think that was one of those quotes that was misquoted

like greed is for lack of a better word good um my over it is an overseen uh it was a it was a public service ad in a bathroom right at eye height for a gentleman uh it's got a picture of a heart on it and it says most cardiac arrests

happen in public or at home you got two choices yeah very few are at a private business yeah the international space station oh man if you had a hard check up there you'd be you just have a dead guy floating around yeah what's the protocol they must have one put them in the escape hatch and then he goes to space uh i suppose they have uh one of those things uh the defibrillator but what if he dies what do you do with a dead guy you just open the door and let him out i feel like if you did that in space though you just you just shock the guy you send him flying yeah and for the the the you know the force sends you flying the opposite way yeah yeah yeah um shit i never thought about it what is the protocol if somebody dies

aboard the international space station you feed them to the monkey the cats get in there too oh and also the pigs the pigs that they brought up to see the effects of pigs we hate space yeah but you can talk now so so shut your lips about eating this guy, all right? Now, we also have overheard sent in to us from people all over the map. If you want to send one in, you can send it in to spy at maximumfun.org. Now, when you were in school and you had to do a science experiment, you had to do a hypothesis. Yeah.

Yes. When they bring pigs to space, do they had to do a hypothesis. Yeah. When they bring pigs to space, do they have to have a hypothesis? The pigs will love it. I think the hypothesis is that their curly tails turn straight because of the lack of gravity. Because it's gravity keeping them curled.

Well, no, but we've only tried bringing five pigs to space. Let's try six next time. The mud's getting into all the tools. Why did we bring mud up? They should be on our terms, not us on their terms. We didn't. They just made mud.

They had slop in their rider. Yeah. In their rider. Yeah. What's your space rider? You had slop in your rider, too, on Boston Pizza. I'm going to get you in trouble with that. No, we love the slop at Boston Pizza.

Shout out to Boston Pizza. Yeah, absolutely. Jim, if you're listening, you built a good job. Now, this first one comes from Keegan from Halifax. This is more like an event that happened to Keegan but it's a pretty pretty wild event so uh a few years ago i was at the toronto airport at the gate waiting to board for new york a family was called up for passport verification the dad handed it to the gate agent who opened it to the photo page then kind of bent the passport perpendicular to the spine so it would hold more easily problems

is she snapped the binding and all the pages fell out. She stood frozen, staring at the pile of garbage on the counter. The passenger was in good spirits about it, kind of saying, well, at least I'm already

through customs, right? The agent said, I'm so sorry, but your passport isn't valid anymore. You won't, they won't accept it at the destination.

Passenger, worse spirits, goes, yeah, but you broke it can't you just stamp something or give me a certificate or something i get agent no i'm sorry but you can't go oh lots of supervisor interaction having the next few minutes i stayed as long as he could but eventually i had to get out of the uh get to the plane i don't know what happened to him but i know that his family didn't get on the plane. Isn't that wild? Isn't that the fucking wildest?

Somebody breaks your passport and is like, well, your vacation's over. Well, here's me doing an impression of a security guard. Here's me being on her team. Do you have a fake passport? It can't break that easily. I think it can. If you're holding it the wrong way,

it's only just held in there with like a little bit of glue. A little bind slowly. It's pretty strong. I think that this guy had a legit passport

and that she fucked it up. No, I think he had a legit passport too. Yeah. But it's very weird that it would break. Yeah.

Mine seems pretty unbreakable. Yeah. I wonder if anybody, you know when they make you take off your hat to match your ID at the gate i wonder if they ever like somebody takes off the hat and they're like wait a second yeah if you've got like a beekeeper hat on and they lift it up you're like this isn't even close you better not have bees in that suitcase sir

yeah i don't um i made up a whole fake interaction that would never happen but you're like your your hand was shaking holding a suitcase yeah there was so many bees but i your hand made and the buzz noise made me think is he vacuuming yeah excuse me face swollen from beast things i don't have any bees yeah but you don't match your uh, so we're not letting you on. Because you're not allowed liquid on the plane, and technically honey is liquid. Yeah, and it contains, yeah, I mean. Fills a container. Well, but like, the bees don't have honey inside of them.

I guess they do, they have it inside of them? I don't, I don't know. No, I don't know how bees make honey actually come to think of it. So that's why I've never understood the birds and the bees. Like, well, I don't understand what the fucking bees do. Someone's going to start a bees.

This is a kind of, hold on dad. This is the kind of, dad, give me a chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait,

let me digest this bee information. Okay, hold on. So, okay. They both can fly, but they're different. Yeah.

And your dad's like, I think that the bee crawls into the bird's butt and then that's where the egg is made between the bird and the bee and the birds they don't have honey no okay i am interested this is the kind of like basic world knowledge that we don't have and people get mad at us all the time for being stupid idiots you know how bees make honey no i know that they do i just googled it um i could bullshit my answer but uh you know i'm not gonna bees collect uh nectar yeah which gets broken down into simple sugars how they eat it there's a lab in there they put it in their coat they they they get it all over their

fur yeah they get don't they get pollen all over their fur all over them because they're having sex with the flower nectar is passed into they are yeah wow yeah nectar is passed into the mouths of the worker bees uh through some kind of like a sick horny game oh so that's what i'm eating is passed around and then they store it in the hive cells okay in the b-holes and and what of the queen what of the queen oh slay yeah she's actually dead she died the same day as the queen elizabeth but uh we wish her well in heaven yeah uh she's covered in bees up there. She's up there collecting honey just like she would want to do on earth.

This next one comes from Danielle from Pennsylvania. I'm not sure if I did this one before. While on a road trip, my wife and I stopped in Myrtle Beach. We were sitting on a bench when we saw a father and son walk by. We overheard the dad say to his son, be careful, your shoe's untied. The son responded, dad, I gave up careful your shoes untied the son responded dad

i gave up on tying shoes years ago love it wow yeah yeah and let's there's a huge gap between him and his son there and good luck you know bridging that gap there is it's very hard to find kids shoes that have laces like and like until they're like 10. Really? They make the kind of elasticized laces in like a Velcro strap. Yeah. Right, so you can slip on and slip off really easily. Yeah, but you don't need to know how to tie a knot until you get your first pair of Chuck Taylors.

Right. You're played a little bit of the Ramones and you get a Chuck Taylor and a biker jacket. Yeah. Go through your ramones face you say um but yeah like even uh we were looking for tennis shoes and they they just don't until they're size 3.5 child yeah they are you cannot find athletic shoes that have laces huh strange you guys take you guys undo your laces every time you take your shoes off?

No. Stepping on the back. Depends on the shoe. Yeah. Take them off, but I will unlace to get back in. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

I should do that more. Take more time. I have a pair where it just completely crushed the heel. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have like, you know, most of my sneakers are that way, but like a fancy shoe, I'm untying them.

Yeah. I'm a fancy man. way, but like a fancy shoe, I'm untying them. Yeah. I'm a fancy man. Yeah, Dave's a fancy man. This last one comes from Dennis from Hawkesbury. Overheard my girlfriend in her sleep giggling and then saying, oh, that's cute, like a little candy. What's going on there? Well, it doesn't take a dream analyst to know that uh he loves candy i do love hearing people's sleep talk so so crazy yeah yeah it's oh man do you ever remember your

dreams or are you i'm completely like as soon as i try to think about it when i wake up it's gone it just vanishes yeah i go through like phases of as i try to think about it when i wake up it's gone it just vanishes yeah i go through like phases of like being able to remember them and then sometimes like i haven't been able to for a minute i love uh trying to figure out what's going on with my life when i am able to like i'll have a week when i remember every dream and they're like vivid yeah and then most of the time no but like what's going on with me in those times when I'm remembering them? Your brain's trying to tell you something. No, my brain doesn't want to tell me anything.

It doesn't even talk to me. My brain's mad at me. It's giving me the silent treatment. Yeah, you forgot it's birthday. Yeah. Well, in addition to overheards that are written in, we also accept your phone calls. If you want to call us, our phone number is 1-844-779-7631. That's one.

Ugh. SpyPod 1. Like these people have. SpyPod 1. Hey, Dave and Graham. This is Gabe from Baltimore. I was taking my daughter to school late this morning. She's in fifth grade.

And you have to sign her into the office. And on the sign-in sheet, there's the name and then the grade and the reason for being late. I looked a couple of entries above my daughter's. There was a second grader that signed in. And the reason for being late was dad's fault. All right, off I go. My fucking dad, that's what. I would have been on time if it wasn't for him

it's always dad's fault yeah he had to go back in to get his wallet and then I'm sitting in the car for a couple of minutes he had to change

into his pajamas yeah wait wait wait hold on a second he was going back and forth on his pajama all morning he said it was his birthday

I shouldn't have to do it but I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart. Oh, yeah. Because you told me to. But yeah, I like that. It's nice. It's honest. It's upfront.

It's new. It's fresh. It's good. Yeah, we love it. Good excuse. Yeah. Dad's fault. I'd love to still be able to do that for reasons for like way bigger things

that happen yeah yeah exactly i'm gonna try it out as an excuse on like uh yeah why i was late to the podcast today yeah dad's fault why i cheated on you my dad's fault yeah it's fault how so he thought he told me it'd be good just how i was raised by him okay next here we go hey it's sue from baltimore i was at a very fancy old school steakhouse last night and from the booth behind me i heard the waiter walk up and say and what can i get your gentleman to drink this evening and the man replied what do you have in a spiked seltzer? No friggin' way.

We've got Mike's Hard Lemonade. We have a... We've got a White Claw. Yes, would you like a White Claw? We've got the Yellow Kind. Oh, yes, sir. You know what? I'll let you smell the top of the can,

and if you like it, we'll pour it for you. I do like the two callers from Baltimore. Love it. With wildly different accents. Yeah. No Baltimore accent. Hey, it's Sue from Baltimore. She may be somebody moved to Baltimore.

Hey, Dave and Graham, this is Gabe from Baltimore. That one sounds a little more, yeah. That sounds like nothing. Like you're usually doing. Hey, yo. Hey, yo. Hey, yo, Dave and Graham, this is Gabe from Baltimore. Okay. All right.

That's pretty good. Oh, me mother died. I can see why you're going to act this way. Me mother died in Baltimore. Yo, me mother died. It's dad's fault. She died in the car. It's dad's fault.

He took her out in the car. Graham has to have a car in a sentence. Or a bar. Bar, it's mutter. Alright, here's your final one. Hi, Dave, Graham, and guest. This is Erin calling from Vancouver,

but I have a cabin in Point Roberts, Washington, which is a weird little place, as I think you know, and our favorite thing to do in Point Roberts is to read the sheriff's report in the newspaper because nothing ever happens in Point Roberts. And so the sheriff's report is usually really funny.

But the best one of all time was from 2015 where the story went that a woman went out, she left her house unlocked, and when she came back, nothing had been taken, but it, quote, appeared that a dog had been washed in her bathtub, unquote. And there was a follow-up story, by the way, in the following edition where her neighbor had confessed to washing her dog in the person's bathtub, because she didn't confessed to washing her dog in the person's bathtub

because she didn't want to get her own, long story, but she didn't want to get her own bathtub dirty, basically. Wow. Okay, off I go. Good luck getting away from the long arm of the law on that one. We've got evidence all over the place. Paw prints leading back to her house. Yeah, and they interrogateate her let us smell your dog

oh yeah yeah this is no tear shampoo that you've been using okay because dogs are notoriously crying oh i love i love everything about that breaking in not taking anything or messing anything up just washing the dog and then not cleaning up the shower. That's the worst part. Yeah. I didn't want to get my own bathtub dirty. Yeah.

And like, how, how did the person who did it think that that wouldn't appear as a dog washing situation? They'll never notice. This person's filthy. This person. My neighbor's a hairy weirdo. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look,'s a hairy weirdo. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, look, I think that if you're able to break into your neighbor's house, don't fuck anything up, but fuck one thing up.

Yeah. Like fuck with their microwave. Yeah. Leave a microwave. Yeah. That doesn't hurt anybody. Well, that brings us to the end of the podcast. Malik, thank you so much for being our guest.

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited for you going to New York, going to acting school. Yes. You're going to do all sorts of exercises. Actions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Repetitions. One thing you'll discover at acting school there is

New York is unique. Unique is New York. And there's red leathers and there's yellow leathers. Thank you and thank everybody out there for listening to the show. If you're going to acting school in New York, remember that a lot of times in a script, New York is the character.

Maybe you get to play New York. Come back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself. Maximum Fun A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you