Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 822 - Alicia Tobin

Episode Date: December 19, 2023

Comedian Alicia Tobin returns for a holiday spectacular to talk Selling Sunset, dead queen pranks, a return to Arby’s, and our annual Secret Santa.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka, and he's Graham Clark, and together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to episode number 822 of Stop Podcasting Yourself, a holiday episode. My name is Graham Clark and with me as always is a busy little elf, Mr. Dave Shumka. Hee hee hee. I've been, you know, making blocks. Yeah, making blocks like RoboBlocks? No, just old-timey blocks. What's the most popular toy this year? Blocks? Yeah, making blocks like RoboBlocks? No, just old-timey blocks. What's the most popular

toy this year? Blocks. Two-size. Kids want two-size blocks. And two-color red-blue. Nobody wants the new Silent Hill or anything like that? Just blocks.

Only two blocks. Would you make a GameCube? Hmm, this is interesting. What is a GameCube? Hmm, this is interesting. What is a GameCube but not a large block? You know, we ran into a big problem in 2004 when the GameCube came out.

What is the deal with these elves? They only do old-timey toys? I think they only do old-timey toys. I think they're slaves. I'm not sure that they can escape. Well, there's a thing. There's,'s um i don't know if this was the thing when i was a kid because i wasn't keeping track of who gave me what but there's a thing now where you're like if you get your kid like a playstation you don't say it's from santa no because then they'll go back to school and say santa brought me a PlayStation. And the other kids will be like, oh, Santa brought me like, you know, just like a block.

But like you say that the big present is from the parents. Right. And so you don't make the other kids in school feel like, oh, somehow I'm naughty. Oh. But then you just, they find out later, oh, no, I'm just poor. Yeah. I'm nasty. I'm not naughty.

Our guest today, one of our favorites, a holiday favorite, somebody that warms all of our hearts. It's Alicia Tobin. Ho, ho, ho. I was transfixed by that elf voice. Yeah. Yeah. Do you want me to do it more? The whole podcast.

Now I can't do it anymore. What voice? Quiet. No. I don't think of you as a, you know, a voice guy. Oh, no. Dave is a man don't think of you as a voice guy. Oh, no. Dave is a man of a million. You're a voice guy.

Do Ted Danson. Mary Steenburgen. Nice. That's good. Come on down and marry me again with your weird songwriting that you inherited from surgery byproductproduct oh right yeah mary steenburgen had like arm surgery a few years ago and then came out of uh anesthetic and was immediately like i can hear music in my head i i have these songs i need to get out of me she had never written music or known anything about music before.

Can I play the piano anymore? It was that way. Do you have any of the music? Have you listened to any of it or read any of it? Is it excellent? Is it good? Most of Taylor Swift's 1988 album.

I already know you're lying. That's a prequel. She wrote the prequel to 1989. That's right. Yeah, that's right. No, I don't, but I remember a few years ago

she wrote a song. My name is already lying. I'm not. What do you mean already? I would never lie. I would never lie. This time of year, I don't. But I remember a few years ago, she wrote a song. My name is already lying. I'm not. What do you mean already? I would never lie. I would never lie. This time of year, I can't risk it. You're not allowed to lie.

Christmas is the one day a year you're not allowed to lie. Yeah. That's right. So you have to tell the truth. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. I am right.

A lot of people go to jail that day. Yeah. Jail? Yeah, jail. Jennifer Lopez JL um do we want to get

speaking of blocks do we want to get to know us get to know us oh good one do ba ba ba beep bo do ba dap oh okay no I

okay but you were talking about Jenny from the block yeah I thought you meant her big butt. Her big blocky butt. Like she's a Minecraft woman.

Oh yeah. No. Oh, you can only dream. Yeah. I've been, I guess I could, this is not important, but I find myself watching a lot of like documentaries about artists I wouldn't normally. Documentaries about. Like what's that British guy

that was such a, he's always drunk. George Michael. Richie Robertson. Robbie. Robbie. Richardson. No, Robbie.

Coltrane. Taylor. Robbie. Robbie. Do you know the answer? Miller. I did and now I forgot. Robbie Robertson.

Robbie Williams. Robbie Williams. Robbie Williams. Robbie Williams Robbie Williams Robin Williams is it Robin Williams no but did this from Take That

yes yeah Robbie Williams Robbie Williams I watched this whole docuseries he was he struggled but I've never really

listened to the music not because it's good not because it's bad I just don't know but I will watch any documentary just because he kissed a girl behind a magazine

yeah and I watched the Jennifer Lopez one last year I watched a Robbie Williams Not because it's dirty, not because it's clean, just because he kissed a girl behind a magazine. Yeah, and I watched the Jennifer Lopez one last year. I watched Robbie Williams. He has like, I don't know, five or six songs that we heard over here. Sure, yeah. And then I watched, I was like, I Googled him. Because I was watching live concerts by lesser famous people that i you know kind of liked and the wet sprocket the wet sprocket live um you gotta see him a lot and i just why i watched a robby williams at some festival and like was he good he's incredible yeah he was the bad boy right

that's how they kind of marketed him was. Or was he marketed? Yeah, and also what happened to him seems to be very common with people in Britain that reach a certain level of celebrity. The newspapers just trash them. Yeah. They can never, they're so mean to them. Yeah, that's true. Our tabloids seem pretty weak compared to. Yeah, OK Canada or Hello Canada. Canada is rarely taking down Jason Priestley.

Or just the magazines. It's always like, rush for Zen. What can't he do? What is Mitsu doing? It's like, haven't there been others? What is Mitsu doing? She's saying goodbye to a cowboy. Yeah, I see.

She's telling you to have sex like Chinese people. Oh my God. That music video probably doesn't hold up. No, I doubt it. She has a little haircut. I don't remember that. No, no, no. C'est pas comme ça qu'on fait l'amour.

Regardez les Chinois. Oh, man, Dave. Bringing back some real memories. She was quite a babe she was quite a babe she looked a lot like i think at the same time vanessa peretti had her like singing johnny depp's ex-wife who was oh right a pop star in europe france and also like a model nice that's what you want to be you want to be hot and talented that's the one and two is she A pop star in Europe, France, and also like a model. Nice. That's what you want to be. You want to be hot and talented.

That's the one and two. Is she Lily Depp Rose's? Yes. Why isn't her last name Rose? Yeah. Oh, maybe Johnny Depp's real name is Rose? Johnny Rose. You would keep that though.

Yeah. Oh boy. I'm pretty sure she's the mom. Yeah. Let's look it up. All right. He would keep that though. Yeah. Oh boy. I'm pretty sure she's the mom. Yeah. Let's look it up. All right. Look it up.

Okay. So first Wikipedia of the day. Lily Depp Rose. Oh, her dad's Axel Rose. That's one. Then they adopted.

It's not. Her name, her first name is Lily Rose. Right. Depp. Depp. Okay.

Well, the listeners are probably like, fuck these guys. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Our listeners are like, you guys don't know Lily Rose Depp's name or lineage? Yeah, Vanessa Paradis. Congratulations. Is that her real name? It can't be her real name.

Vanessa Paradise? I don't know. There's a lot of flowery last names in France. Vanessa Paradise. That would be like an early 90s soft rock kind of duo or single artist. You guys decide. She was a single artist. No, but just as the English name, Vanessa Paradise. paradise hi we are vanessa paradise we're a duo oh yeah oh wow good work i think so it's working for me yeah

uh alicia alicia you don't know so you like watching the j-lo documentary what was it i like learning i don't know what it is like I love learning number one about celebrities number two and nothing else I find it really like these and I know they're

sort of kind of puff pieces they always make them look very good are you talking about her butt again why why

her puff pieces and I'll watch them about like sports stars did you watch Beckham yeah yeah for sure and I'll watch them about like sports stars did you watch Beckham? yeah yeah for sure

I did I did and I enjoyed it too many episodes but it's also kind of the same as the Robbie Williams one where I was not at all familiar with them

beyond you know beyond me beyond me were they they were both very famous at the time they got together yeah yeah and uh

the tabloids and the fans in britain were so horrible to david beckham and posh and posh takes it up the arsh they did yeah that was like a stadium yeah they had she did it in a stadium well i hope so wow on pay-per-view. It's like that old dating game. Where's the weirdest place you ever had sex? In a stadium. Up the arse. That poor woman. Yes.

Well, I think she made it. She does all right for herself. Maybe she did. Yeah. And so what? Yeah. None of our business. That's part of their routine. Yeah. You don't know how these rich people live. That's herself. Maybe she did. Yeah. And so what? Yeah. That's part of our business. Maybe that's part of their routine.

Yeah. You don't know how these rich people live. That's true. I don't. If I know anything from watching Selling Sunset, I have no idea how rich people are. Are you caught up? I feel like you and your special lady. Yeah.

He's married. I know. I'm like, what am I allowed to say? You don't tiptoe around it anymore. You didn't seem as invested this time around. It's because they've lost their bad guy, and they keep trying to make What's-Her-Name the bad guy, and it's just...

Wait, this season, though, there's a bunch of bad guys. Now, I remember Settling Sunset. You talked about it a couple times. They have a stupid name of... The Oppenheim Group? The Oppenheim group, yes. And they're two little guys. Two little guys

selling homes in LA. LA. And what they're always looking for is somebody, a buyer, no contingencies, all cash.

That's what they want. That's their dream. Because I, for a while, was watching million dollar properties or whatever. Oh, yeah, yeah. Boy, Lily Rose Depp.

I knew you'd get there. Was there any crossover? I mean, in terms of setup, absolutely. Here's what I can tell you. In that show, there were two guys named Josh. They were the Joshes. There's these little guys, and then their fleet of real estate agents that are all... Supposedly.

Supposedly. I also don't believe that they're actually real estate agents. I looked it up, and like Christine in the first season, sorry, this is a bit of a deep dive, but Christine in the first season was not a real estate agent. And she couldn't do a one weekend seminar in a hotel ballroom. But she was clearly just put in there to stir the shit up. And then they ousted her. After a couple of seasons, she got tired, I think, of being the villain.

The show's in search of a villain. And she was it. She was it. Once she left, they brought in another character that was supposed to be difficult. But they just go round and round on this apology thing. Now, the way that it works is they're trying to sell properties and this person is part of their team, but they're also a villain? Or is this person part of an opposite team? No, they're part of all the, they're on the same team.

Excellent point. I'm just trying to figure out, like, shouldn't the villain be a rival from a different group yeah no and you're right barben hammer they're not fighting for the listing they're given listing basically how every episode goes

is they say oh we got a 10 million dollar listing in beverly hills oh i bet it's all nice and then you see it they do kind of like uh crib style drone shot from the

outside oh you know they do there's a lot of infinity pools and I make my stomach. Like I feel very afraid when I see them because you're afraid that you'll just go over the edge. I don't like heights. And so there's a lot of shots to in that that combined with the infinity. I don't like widths. Yeah.

Yeah. I thought you did. No, you don't like big open spaces. No, I like a pencil thin. I bet you do. But yeah, the then the two of the gals. You don't like big open spaces? No, I like pencil thin. I bet you do. Butts. But yeah, then the two of the gals will sit around in the house they're supposedly selling and dish. And that's basically the show.

There's not much else to it, really? No. No. We really nailed it. And yeah, basically there, Heidi Montag hit the hills. And so we don't have a good... Is Heidi Montag your go-to reality show villain? Yeah, isn't she?

Was she a bad guy? I thought she was a bad guy. Yeah, she was a bad guy. But that was a show, The Hills, which was like, I was like, what are we fighting about again? Are you still mad about something? Yeah, that's what this show is. It's in search of. In search of an apology.

Yeah, and it's like the just but the best thing was when they were in town and charging people to have their photos taken with them oh they were here that's right yeah because they were showing off some sort of furniture line that they yeah jason has a girlfriend in vancouver now so we really around yeah little guy you know you won't see him around because he's not at eye level. He's a little guy. He's a tiny little man. Turns out he was lying.

They were lying about being 5'6". There's no way they're 5'6". And I felt so bad for them because a lot came out. It also came out in the reunion that he powders his balls. This man has no, like he is so easy going

about being like shamed by this whole thing because he must be making so much money from it I did use to powder my balls

they're like why'd you stop he's like it's so messy and I was like I don't feel something for me feels like

I feel like I maybe not but I've used talcum powder in the where the legs meet each other yeah

for sure I've used cornstarch down there baking soda any white powder you're gonna have I don't think

you should use baking soda why I think it's not good for your skin I use like confectioner's sugar

oh well go on unbuttoning unzipping yeah it's anyways you've literally

heard every episode of the show so that's that's where we're at he will not let me say this Graham is he's known for

censoring you that's right beep there are new villains this season people really bring it gets worse oh

yeah so if that's what you want you're gonna get it yes that is what you want, you're going to get it. Yes. That is what I want. I'm going to get it. I think I remember the American Film Institute did their list of the 100 greatest movies of all time.

And then like the 100 greatest comedies of all time. And they were just cranking them out every year. What was the number one? Was it something it hot a comedy yes it probably was so funny when he says nobody's perfect at the end i'm like i plopsed on the floor but um the uh but then they were like, we're out of ideas. Like, oh, 100 best movie songs. 100 best, and then they did 100 best villains. Oh, yeah.

And number one was Heidi Montag from The Hills. That's crazy. It was her, Darth Vader. What did she do? I didn't watch that show, but I remember her partner was quite, I found him quite creepy. He's great, yeah. They're still together. They're still together.

They're still together. Yeah. And it was, they were so phony on the show. There was like, everyone was like, no, they're just,

they're just got together so they can both be, get more screen time. But no, they're just, just a couple of idiots in love. So funny.

That feels like a million years ago. It does. It's so quaint. It must have been like 20 years ago, right? I remember because MTV Canada was a thing. Oh, yeah.

They had a show. In order to make Canadian content, they would package The Hills, which was a half-hour show, as a full hour. Right. And so they had an after show. And so it was an hour of Canadian content hosted by Jess Cruikshank and Dan Levy.

Dan Levy. Levy of Schitt's Creek. And, but they were there. I would watch every stupid MTV reality show. Yeah. And there was one about

a singer named Cheyenne. There was one about I'm from Rolling Stone about these people who like got a summer internship at Rolling Stone. That was the show? That was the show. That must have cost $0 to make. I can't believe that was the show.

The best part was there was a guy from Australia on the show, and no one else I know watched the show. I've never heard of it. But there was drama like a couple of these people like oh this guy's so such a talented writer oh but he's got issues and then there was this one guy from australia who was like yeah i interviewed this band called band of horses who are a real good band but then like episodes how do they play with their hooves no band that's a name you can call yourself anything okay sorry um that should be illegal though

imagine the disappointment you bring your children to see yeah and they have like uh you know introspective indie rock yeah and they're like they thought they were gonna come that's true horses probably have some pretty deep discrimination and they've you know, introspective indie rock. Yeah. And they're like, they thought they were going to come out. They could still be horses, Dave. That's true. Horses probably have some pretty deep thoughts. Horse discrimination. And they've also got long faces.

So it is, yeah. Wow. Let's wrap it up, guys. A22, shortest episode ever. But like, episodes would go by and people would have

all this drama and I'd be working on this thing, this other thing and I would go back to the Australian guy and he's like, I almost did my band of horses piece.

Was he still in Australia? No, no. They were all in New York. It's just funny that he's like, that's his magnum opus. Yeah. I feel like Australians generally don't get stressed out by stuff. Or involved in stuff. They have a phrase over there.

Yeah. Rikie, crikey. Hakuna Matata. Boomerang. Gangaroo. Welluna Matata. Boomerang. Gangaroo. What's the one? None of us have been to Australia, is that correct? No. Nope.

Would you go? Yeah, I would go. Okay. But also there's like. I think I was seeing a friendship trip. Yeah. Friendship trip. But I need.

Stop asking yourself Australia. Down under. Oh, down under. Yeah, better. Live at the Sydney Opera House. but I need stop asking yourself Australian live yeah better live at the Sydney Opera House oh my god opening for Bluey

oh is Bluey playing in the opera house shit is Bluey Australian oh I haven't watched it yet

you don't need to oh I heard it was really good it's really good if you have children compared to everything else

well I might and i don't i just haven't i don't know yet yeah you never the 90s were a wild time for this pussy i was thinking why wasn't i censoring that i was asleep at the switch um have you ever heard this thing that people say like on your deathbed you're visited by all the children you didn't have I'm like no I've never heard that

oh really oh it's like you're making this up no this is like a pro-life thing oh my god oh well that's why

we don't know about it oh my god so like every time like you had protected sex or masturbated that's what I'm saying how many millions

of kids would there be like why did you I was the one in the laundry basket hi I'm I'm saying. How many millions of kids would there be like, why did you? I was the one in the laundry basket. Hi, I'm sock number 282. Hey, I'm your dad. Sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm actually not really the sock guy. I haven't done 282 socks.

It just was such a funny, cause like it was still a rhyme or had a joke about how they say like all your relatives are looking down on you all the time. Yeah. Like they're seeing you jacking off from heaven, from heaven. He's at it again. That's how boring heaven is.

Yeah. It's a, they never depict heaven as having like a good time. Well, and the good place they did, except for it was... Spoiler. Spoiler. Look, I never watched the show.

Oh, no, I tried. Oh, yeah, I think I took two runs at it, and then I got into it. Yeah, what are the shows that you took two runs at? For me, The Leftovers. Oh. I made it through the first season twice. I think Aunt Sheila keeps recommending that. Oh, I can't get through the second season.

I tried to get through the first half twice. I think Aunt Sheila keeps recommending that. Oh, I can't get through the second season. I tried to get through the first half of The Boys and then I was like, this is just Watchmen. Yeah, but what if it was,

what if superheroes lived in a real world where like there were consequences and like, we were like, what if like people didn't and I really loved the superheroes

because those superheroes, it's not like so idealized like in Superman. So like, what if superheroes had like a world, like they had to live in our world and there were real problems. And there were consequences for the superheroes. I'm listening.

Sounds good. I'm going to take another run at it. I'm going to take a third run at it. Minus Schitt's Creek. Yeah. Yeah. I did not like the first season that much. And then I ran out of stuff to watch in the pandemic and went back.

And I was really glad I did it. It's a great show. Oh, you made it. Yeah. I just think I think like sort of like that sort of sitcom like I would rather watch

25 hours a week of 90 day fiance spinoffs than actually commit to a show where I have to think about anything. Yeah.

Or feel anything. I think that's also the feelings I like to avoid. Yeah, you just want infomercials, really. I do actually love. I just want Seinfeld reruns. Yeah, I want Seinfeld reruns. I have a neighbor that only watches Seinfeld, and I can see from my, when I'm outside our

building, her television, and it's 24-7 Seinfeld. I was watching. And I'm not exaggerating. I was watching. This is something that happens if you're watching off Seinfeld. Same costume showing up in different episodes. No way. George is at the unemployment office.

I call him Jer. I call George Jer. Just easier that way. He's at the unemployment office. And it's the one with Keith Hernandez. The two-part episode. Yeah. And the employment office lady, he goes on a keith hernandez the two-part episode yeah and he uh

the employment office lady he uh goes on a date with her daughter oh yeah oh yeah right and her daughter is wearing the same uh big gray itchy sweater from the episode where kramer oh where he gets the allergy yeah oh wow yeah i like that kramer's uh wardrobe is like limited because he does wear the same shirts and the same jackets over and over again uh which i think is realistic jerry's got an impossible number of button-ups and sweaters i someone posted a picture on my uh on my facebook no i was on your dream board i was on facebook and it was uh just randomly served me a picture of every one of Jerry's girlfriends. Oh. Oh.

Quite a list. And only a handful of them became famous later. Yeah, man hands and. But there were a few that were already famous. Like Janine Garofalo and. Courtney Cox. Courtney Cox. Marlee Matlin.

The woman from Superman. Oh, yeah, yeah. Lois Lane. Lois Lane. Lois Lane. What is her name? Fisher. No.

What's her name? Jamie Fisher. Oh, she played- Her character name was Sidra, which is such a weird name. Terry Hatcher. Terry Hatcher. Thank you. They're real and they're fantastic.

And also Jamie Gertz. Jamie Gert name. Terry Hatcher. Terry Hatcher. Thank you. They're real and they're fantastic. And also Jamie Gertz. Jamie Gertz. Oh, yeah. And Sarah, did you say Sarah Silverman already? No, but. Yeah, that's right. She was Kramer's.

She was Kramer's, yeah. But I always thought that was weird, but then I, like Sarah Silverman is a woman that doesn't seem to age. She doesn't seem to age. So I think she was like 18 or 19. She was too young.

Yeah. And so it was, I remember thinking, ugh. I don't remember thinking that. So I think she was like 18 or 19. She was too young. Yeah. And so it was, I remember thinking, ugh. I don't remember thinking that, but I remember thinking. Well, yeah. Good for you, everyone. I've never thought ugh in my whole life. That's nice.

Here's my pitch. And any streaming network out there, feel free to take this. Just make two hour long infomercials so that people can just play it at one in the morning when they can't sleep and just there's like the QVC like the shopping network too.

You might not have people don't have cable anymore. Oh yeah. I guess I don't either. Yeah. So like if you were

like I can't sleep just putting on a nice long infomercial you know a Ron Popeil-esque product. Not one that you can buy. Not too charismatic.

No. No one, no, we don't need Vince from the Slap Chop or ShamWow. No. Is he still alive? Yeah, he's still alive.

It was Billy, Billy Beard who died. Oh, right. Was he not, was he Slap Chop or was he? No, he was something else. He was OxiClean. Yeah, he was OxiClean. Yes. He was more was OxiClean. Yeah, he was OxiClean.

He was more than OxiClean. He was more than OxiClean. That's what they said at his funeral. OxiClean is. Thank you. Well, just because I was like. He got there faster. But OxiClean is good.

So good. I like it. Saved so many things this year for me. Yeah. You know what I always want to use is that tape that you slap on the side of a pool that's flooding. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I want to do that so bad. That you can make side of a pool that's flooding oh yeah yeah oh i want to do that so bad you can make a whole boat out of you can yes i think they do that in the infomercial i've had one drink yeah oh good for you yeah well i can get you another i do kind of want another but i don't haven't had like can't remember the last time i had an alcoholic beverage well we're not really a boozy podcast anymore. We're more of like. We're the best, right? We're more, I don't know.

Some of those early episodes are real. They were fun, man. They were great. Should we do it? No regrets. Yeah. No regrets. No, no.

No regrets. Should I get you another? Are you going to have another? I'll get another. All right. Let's pause the show, everyone. Okay. Okay.

Bye. And we're back. Starting now. That's bye. And we're back. Starting now. That's perfect. Thank you. Where were we? So, Seinfeld. Oh, we were talking about an infomercial.

Yes. Yeah, making a whole boat out of the tape. Have you ever bought anything from an infomercial? I know that my mom bought a Thighmaster. I bought a Slapjob. They were available in stores as well. What that my mom bought a Thighmaster I bought a Slap Chop but they were available in stores as well what Slap Chop?

Thighmasters also called us Thighmaster well OxyClean are we right about OxyClean? was that a whole infomercial or was

just an ad with Billy Beard? I think it started as maybe a product like that we have three versions of it we have the

powder version the spray version and the baby spray version. Is it a small little? It's a tiny little one you spray at a baby. Selling sunset size. A lot of the things on those infomercials worked to some degree, right? They weren't cash grabs. I believe the food dehydrator probably dehydrated food. And it was also very good at sitting outside people's houses with a sign that said free.

That food dehydrator that was on that infomercial was not a good one. No. No. Just like a weird donut-shaped tower. It would take like eight days. You can dry anything in eight days. Yeah. Yeah.

No. Yeah. The sun is sort of a food dehydrator after a couple days. I think the only thing I ever got off of an infomercial was Proactive, the acne thing. Oh, you got it after you saw Adam Lambert? Yeah, I just got it recently. Not Adam Lambert. Adam. I'm not good. Levine.

Adam Levine. Levine. Okay. I was kidding. Yeah. I'm not good. Levine. Adam Levine. Levine. Okay. I was kidding. Yeah. I'm not good with names today. That's fine.

I'm not good with them any day. But I'm great with voices. Oh yeah. Do Tony Danza. Hey yo. That's pretty good.

Samantha. That was really good. That was really good. Jonathan. You didn't even have to think about it. Well Graham and I Have a little bit

Graham Graham Told me the trick to him Is like Jonathan Jonathan Jonathan Did you watch the new

Sex and the City Where he's the dad Graham did Yeah Yeah I took five runs at it Couldn't get through it Yeah

It's You really have to have Nothing else to do Yeah That's true And the fashion to have nothing else to do. Yeah, that's true. And the fashion is still very like interesting and hilarious.

Yeah, it's hilarious. Some of it's good. Last season was better. For me, it was better. I'm sure people that have a different

appreciation of fashion But it's just like, she'll go out for drinks with like a waffle with butter on top and a hat. And like, not even mention it.

No, yeah, nobody goes like, that's a fucking crazy hat. Yeah, that's the problem with like if you want to dress well you get comments yes like hey mr fancy every day i'm like i'm wearing a button up shirt but in vancouver it's like who's big time with us over here you do in court today

even when i see dave in the morning and i'm dressed like uh why do you see me in the morning oh because we were walking the dogs oh sure yeah it hasn't happened much though in the last like six or seven months not that i'm keeping track uh but i always do feel so schlubby and you're like this is just what i wear at six in the morning like this is what i wear it definitely has a spaghetti stain on it. Oh, yeah. You got to stop eating spaghetti in your coat. I'm not out at six in the morning. I'm seeing you on your second walk. I probably.

Yeah. Second walk. Although Hank started to sleep in. Well, that's a relief. Yeah. Kind of. It's weird, though, after like seven years, it's messing up my schedule. When did he used to wake you up?

Well, it goes with the seasons, but now this week he's been getting up at eight. Oh, wow. That's nice. Yeah.'s been getting up at eight. Oh, wow. That's nice. Yeah. But I start work at eight. Oh, right. So that's happening, but it all works out because I work from home and can work a bit beforehand. But yeah, in the summer you'll get up.

I feel like that's not a bad idea. Yeah. Because he can always go back to bed. Yeah, this points to a lot of things i've been thinking about this week um but i was making something with eggs which is one of his favorite foods so he woke up but then it was raining and he didn't want to go outside didn't you tell me that you took him to a vet and had to confess to feeding him eggs he had to have some preliminary blood work for uh some surgery that he was having like minor he was just having like a tooth removed um but they're like everything

seems okay because he's seven so they think he's considered a senior now and they're like but his cholesterol is a little bit high and i was like i feed him like an egg almost every day well because it's incredible and it's not... It is incredible. It is an egg. Edible. Yeah. Fucking eggs, man.

I love them. I fucking love them. But maybe you shouldn't have a full dog-sized one. Or maybe he should have a half one. I was trying to... But then what do you do

with the other half? Yeah, it's like... Have your fridge smell like half of it. I eat eggs almost every day, so I could work it out. How's your cholesterol? It's a little high.

How many eggs are we allowed to have cholesterol? It's not as many as the two of us are having in that household for sure. I thought you were allowed like an egg a day. I probably have two eggs a day. Eggs, eggs, the musical fruit. No. Are you beans? No, beans.

Beans, okay. Yeah. Oh. Eggs are, well, they're not even a fruit. No, they're beans, really. Is there an egg song? Say it's poppa-ta-ta. Something and something.

I'm the Eggman. Oh, yeah. Right. By the Beatles? An egg. By Scatman? You changed egg by Scatman you changed it to Scatman and Eye on the Walrus

yeah that egg man yeah I got it I came up with it did you how does Hank eat these eggs we did that already we are still what

we played it yeah really yeah we don't play it half an hour into the show I kept waiting for it these eggs. We did that already. We are still. What? We played it. Yeah. Really? Yeah. We don't play it half an hour into the show. I kept waiting for it.

No, it's already happened. Have we gone around? No. No, we're still on the show. This is how you've been using your time. That's terrible.

Okay, we'll take out the last half hour of the show. Because it happened, it was a little confusion because you started singing Jenny from the blog, right, it was a little confusion because you started singing Jenny from the block,

right? Which sounded a little like the theme from do-do-do-do-do. And we definitely have had lawyers come around sniffing for some money.

Really? Yeah, we always do a little payout. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah, to Jenny's estate. Yeah. The late Jenny.

The late Jenny's estate. How do you prepare these eggs for Hank? Is this a raw egg, or are you frying it up? And also, yo, Graham, is Hank a good boy? That's right. Yeah, that's true. I usually fry an egg for him. And is he a good boy?

He's such a good boy. What do you fry it with, like butter? Olive oil. Olive oil, okay, that's probably good for the cholesterol. I just throw it right in a pan. I don't fry it in anything. Just heat up that egg and away you go. But I've seen some of these infomercials.

I don't believe them. You just crack an egg right in the pan and it's fine? Yeah. I like the copper pan. Even if you burned a bunch of candy in there a minute before? It washes right up. But you could scratch it up with a metal... Yeah, with a metal fork.

You could run over it with a semi-truck. I don't believe it. Well, whose turn now is it to get to know us? It's still you. Oh, come on, man. Wait, what's new with you? And is Hank still a good boy? Nothing is new with me.

Wow, wow, wow. Look at her arm. Yeah. Oh, you got a new tattoo. Oh, no way. She fucking did it. Wow, wow. Look at her arm. Yeah. Oh, you got a new tattoo. Oh. No way. She fucking did it. I told you that I was going to be on the lookout, too.

Have you not seen it before? No. This is it? Yeah. Have you seen it before? No. I got it this morning. This morning?

Yeah. You should have it under bandage. He said it was okay. That's a real tattoo? Yeah, I got it this morning ah okay for the listener yeah little back story

a little bit uh I don't know how it started but we kept going back and forth and trying to say the queen died anyway the tattoo says

the queen died yes the tattoo says the queen died Alicia's the master of a game where we try to surprise each other with saying the queen died

and I'll be honest I don't fully get the game. I can explain the history. Sure. I don't know if I've been on since

we started the gag. No, I don't think so. The gag. The gag. The day that the queen died, you

were traveling. Yeah. And it was all over Twitter and I was just, best day on Twitter ever was the day the queen died.

It was a lot of fun. I don't know. That one Oscars where Ellen took a picture with Lupita Nyong'o's brother is pretty good. Thanks, Dave, for the correct answer. Kevin Spacey also in that shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I knew that, like, Graham would have obviously have seen the news because it was everywhere.

But I just thought it would be funny to say like, hey, have you heard? And he's like, no, what's up? And I was like, the queen died. And he laughed so hard. Yeah. And I laughed so hard that it got him. And then we just started doing it back and forth. But you're like.

But you've gotten him a thousand times and he's gotten you once. I've gotten you once. When he gets me, he really does get me. But most recently, Alicia came over to watch a movie and uh while she was in the bathroom hung up a full shower curtain that said the queen yeah and you've surprised him with a shirt that says the queen died you've um some presents a little present that opened up and it said the queen died. The equivalent, I believe, Abby's Aunt Sheila will occasionally go, oh, shit.

And then everyone gets concerned. And then she'll say, the money train's been stolen from the movie The Money Train. Or Money Train. So funny. But yeah, you did it again. You've done it again. Is that really a tattoo really it really is a tattoo i thought it was just done in pen but that's amazing oh that would

have been an idea i love it if you don't know at least she also has the word hot dog tattooed on her arm. C word. C word. And she's got barbed wire on her arm. Yes. Tribal tattoo on her forearm. Tribal all down the leg. Yeah, many tribal sons. Celtic cross on the chest. Celtic cross on Ankh.

Ankh on her crack. Alicia, that's incredible. That's incredible. You've done it. You should go on that. You're the it you should go on that you're the queen and you live you're the queen who lives in this game

I don't know how I'm going to get you back I'll just have to brand myself I guess maybe have a baby and name it

the queen died is the only thing you can do at this point I gotta do it I gotta do it I gotta get back into this I've only been on the leaderboard once i think the only fun is me getting you that's true oh okay but i even said earlier

today i was like i'm on full watch for queen died nervous when you said that too i was like don't blow it and then this sleeve my arm sleeve is my sleeve and my shirt's been pulled up for about five minutes and i thought you saw it and you were just mad or ignoring me and so I was like how do I get his attention with it

honestly and you honestly didn't get mine because I was like oh she's just upset her hands are over her head in a way that's like

she's sick of these two yeah she's sick of being on this show well that's yeah well done yeah yeah kudos She's sick of being on the show. Well, that's well done. Yeah.

Yeah. Kudos. And then thank you to Jeremy Riley at Tattoo Union for fitting me in because he told me like it's Thursday at five and usually like it's weeks out to plan something. But he loves my dumb ideas. And so he like came in specially to do it this morning. Yeah. It's a great tattoo place in Vancouver, guys. What's it called? Tattoo Union.

Tattoo Union. Like from Rolling Stones. Yeah, Tattoo Union. Yeah, Tattoo Union. It's not really to Tattoo Onion, the place I go where they just practice tattooing on an onion. No. That's a place yeah

i'm like hey uh i'm too nervous to get a real tattoo can you show me what this would look like on an onion okay is your skin you want me to take off the outer skin it's so crispy no no that's what mine is yeah i uh dave if you ever ever a tattoo, what do you think it would be of? I think it would be of, boy. It's a Dairy Queen soft serve cone. Oh, yeah. That's a good, yeah. I think I'm going to Dairy Queen on Saturday. I'm so excited.

You plan your Dairy Queen trips more than your tattoos. Yeah. Which one do you go to? The one on Main? The one near the library downtown. Oh, you can you go to the one on main the one near the library downtown oh you can also get a Julius there oh

I always get peanut buster parfait yeah sure you're always why would you get a Julius you always do blizzards I generally do a blizzard

but they do have a pretty good anything with um they I forget the name of it but it usually has uh ice cream.

Yeah. Go on. For sure. Gotcha. Brownie. Yeah. Some kind of chocolate sauce and whipped cream. Nice.

Yeah. Nice. How often do you go to Dairy Queen these days? Not much. Yeah, me either. Like maybe once or twice a year. I don't even go to the ice cream place up the street very much. Really?

Yeah. What's happening? You okay? Yeah. I don't know. Have you ever become lactose intolerant? You're the most lactose tolerant man I know. I'm the street very much. Really? Yeah. What's happening? You okay? Yeah. I don't know. You have become lactose intolerant. You're the most lactose tolerant man I know. I'm the most tolerant. I tolerate everything. Yeah.

No, but all I, you know what, yesterday I had a milkshake from Arby's. Oh, Arby's. What color was it? White. Where is an Arby's around here? Tawasin. What were you doing up there? Well

I was That's good to know you Okay That's good to know Dave I had to go to Richmond Thank you To pick up something In Richmond

And I was like Well I'm in the suburbs anyway And So I was like It's another 20 minutes To go to Tawasin I'll go to the mall there And my kids are into

Like They're at the age now Where they don't Really know what they want for Christmas. They're like, you know, do they know about Santa? I don't know. Okay.

I was wondering about that. The larger one. As, as, as I described the two of them. That's how you describe the, the eldest. She's,

she's, um, she's out on the, uh, tooth fairy. Okay. Tooth fairy is, is gone. But it's, she's, she's out on the Tooth Fairy. Okay. Tooth Fairy is gone. But it's less of a good deal.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's also, they never were like crazy about Santa. Okay. Okay. That shows intelligence

I didn't have. Yeah, me too. But it also shows parents who are like, I feel guilty making our kids be nice

because of an imaginary man. Well, it's the same as getting your kid to stay in bed because of the boogeyman, which surely you use. Of course. Really? Get out of bed, boogeyman on your toes. It's like Abby's in the mood tonight. I better call in the boogeyman.

Is that who Abby likes to fuck? No, they like it when he watches. Look, I don't know who she likes to fuck? no they like it when he watches I don't know who she likes to fuck I'm trying to track this bastard down laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing

laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing laughing Um, but, uh, yeah, so anyway, as far as Santa goes, we haven't, like, we didn't, uh, we didn't make plans to meet Santa this year.

So I think the, I worry that the bigger one has told the smaller one that they're both out. Do they think they don't want you to know? Cause that might affect the outcome of Christmas for the family. Like how you feel about it. There's a lot of tension in the house around it. No, at the time of this recording, it's early December. We still have time to like write a letter to Santa. Yeah.

It's, I was talking to a father of two girls and that he's kind of corralled the eldest to be like, you know, if you don't tell your sister, Santa's going to be a real nice to you this Christmas. But wait. The eldest has figured it out. But then how is Santa going to be nicer if she knows? Well, he's like, winkety wink, Santa. Santa's dead. The queen died. Santa died.

Santa died. And then you know who took his place? Tim Allen. Yeah. A Rose Sarchuk letter. Tim Allen. Yeah. Um,

um, a rose such a letter. Oh, he's in hot water today because his, uh, co-star in the Santa clauses, uh, said that he was atrocious to work with. Not,

not in any specific way, but just that he was, uh, a diva and, uh, just miserable man. He doesn't seem like a super nice dude. No.

Well, come on guys. Didn't he get out of jail somehow? That was by. No. Well, come on, guys. Didn't he get out of jail somehow? Yeah, by squealing. Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean, who can blame him? But he's very masculine.

Well, if you had to describe him in a sound. In a sound? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there's a number, but if I was puzzled about it, it would be more like, oh? Oh. But certainly, they, yeah. I mean, there's a number, but if I was puzzled about it, it would be more like, oh? Oh. But there's certainly there are. I thought I had it.

I know he said that he started it at a dinner where there was all these corporate guys eating roast beef and laughing like that. Like, oh. And so he just started doing it in the microphone. They were like, yeah, yeah. This guy gets it. That's pretty cool. He built his whole career off of that sound. Yeah, he's out of hot water with me.

Anyway, so they're shopping. They're like Christmas lists this year. They've only written Christmas lists to me and Abby. So that might be a sign that we're out on it. Right. But it's like blank stuff. Like, you know,

Sanrio stuff. Sanrio's Hello Kitty, Cinnamon Roll, My Melody, all these creatures. Super cute. All these creatures who have some kind of personality But never had a TV show Hmm

Interesting That's like how a lot of stuff Was when we were kids Yeah It's the same Well it's the same character Yeah actually I don't know if cinnamon roll

Was around No But I just found out Who cinnamon roll was Through Abby Because they had Cinnamon roll tissues Sure

And So I was I went to Is this a cinnamon roll With eyes Or is it It's a little rabbit guy It's a little rabbit guy It's a little rabbit guy

Okay Alright And it might be cinema roll There might be no end In cinnamon Okay cinema roll I might be wrong Um

Uh anyway Uh I could check This One of these Bags behind But the uh So they just have So I was like

Oh I'll go to The mall in Tawasin Yeah Uh And They had They have a store That's just like I was like, oh, I'll go to the mall in Tawasin. Yeah. And they have a store that's just like a bunch of cute little stuff. I'll buy some of that, put it in the stockings. I also went to Spencer Gifts. Yeah.

Oh. Nice. And I was like, oh, maybe they have, because I don't know anywhere else that there's a Spencer Gifts. I didn't know they were still in business. And I was like, oh. Do they have the thing with the pins where you can put it on your face? Oh, maybe they have, because I don't know anywhere else that there's a Spencer gift. I didn't know they were still in business. And I was like, oh. Do they have the thing with the pins where you can put it on your face? Oh, yeah. I didn't see that. That whole as seen on TV section, too.

Yes. And I was like, oh, maybe there's some edgy young teen t-shirts I can buy. And there were not. There were very 20-year-old boy t-shirts I can buy. And there were not. There were very, like, 20-year-old boy T-shirts. No. There's this one. So, where did you get them? Well, there's this shirt.

Jesus. Big Tits Fan Club. Yep. There's this one that was right underneath it. A rainbow that says, go gag on a dick. Wow. That's sad. This is crazy. a rainbow that says go gag on a dick wow that's bad this is crazy this uh

cartoon dog with money piled up that says fuck bitches get money can you imagine seeing somebody like that

like how do they have every size of these shirts yeah and also like do they have them for like toddlers no they don't

they don't even have them for kids that's why I had to go to another store well I the store I went to Yeah, and also like... Do they have them for like toddlers? No, they don't. They don't even have them for kids. That's why I had to go. You had to go to another store. Well, the store I went to that I really struck gold at is Hot Topic. Oh, Hot Topic. Oh my gosh, there's a Hot Topic here? There's a Hot Topic there.

And it is... The two big things there are Sanrio. So all the Hello Kitty. All the Hello Kitty stuff. And Guess. Guess Jeans? No, no. I all the Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty stuff. And Guess. Guess Jeans? No, no. I want you to guess.

What the other brand is? What the other like big thing currently at Hot Topic is. Oh. They have a small like Harry Potter section. They still, you can still buy a shirt that has corn on it. Is it Barbie? Nope. Okay.

It is a movie. Is it a kid's store? Is it Oppenheimer? It's Oppenheimer. It's Oppenheimer. And his friend Blastie. It is Five Nights at Freddy's. Oh, shit.

That movie kicked ass. I didn't see it. Did you see it? No. But it kicked ass in the box office is what I have to say. That movie kicked ass. I didn't see what I have to say that movie kicked ass I didn't see it I've played the game though

it's so scary you loved the game yeah did I buy you a calendar? oh my gosh that movie looks so scary I couldn't see it it's a

I saw a preview for it in the summer it looks great they like the guys who made it the studio wanted it to be a rated R movie and they're like

no like the kids are who want to see this so they made it PG the studio wanted it to be a rated R movie, and they're like, no. The kids are who want to see this. So they made it PG-13. But everybody thought, oh, it's not going to be as scary. It's for kids. They'll think it's plenty scary. They don't know from scared. Show them a crazy clown, and they'll never sleep again.

They live in a world where the climate disaster is imminent. It's hard to scare these kids. Yeah, that's true. They're scary. It's hard to scare these kids. Yeah, that's true. They're already. So then I went there. I got that stuff. And then I was in Tawasin. I was like, last time I was in Tawasin, I went to Arby's.

What do you get there? I used to love going to Arby's. Okay, I had never been to Arby's in my entire life until two months ago. And then how many times have you been? Alicia, shut up. Wow. So I went, my first time I went, I had a big bacon cheddar.

No, big beef and cheddar, no bacon. So this is a sliced deli meat. A sliced deli meat on some kind of onion roll with cheddar, like cheese whiz on it. And then you get a horseradish sauce that you dip it in. Delicious. I loved it. It was a revelation. I was like, why have I never been here?

Because it's not around. There was no corner Arby's. There was back in the day, but I never went. You don't know what you got till it's gone. And then, so yesterday I went and I was like, I'm going to get this again. The first time I went, I also had the orange milkshake. More orange milkshake, yes.

This time I got that. I got the big beef and cheddar. I got a vanilla milkshake. I got fries. And I got frickles, fried pickles. Whoa. Yeah. Fried pickles.

Yeah. Which is, I guess, probably the only thing there besides fries I could eat. It's all very, it's all meat forward. Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah. Which is, I guess, probably the only thing there besides fries I could eat. It's all very, it's all meat forward. Oh, yeah, probably. Yeah. Do you have curly fries or straight fries? I had crinkle this time. Crinkle, yeah.

So I had the burger and I was like, oh, I don't think I like this anymore. Not the burger, the sandwich. And I was like, no, this is done. I'm done. I will never go back here. So two times. Two sandwich. And I was like, no, this is done. I'm done. I will never go back here. So two times. Two times. Two times. The fries were fine. The

frickles were... I had two of them and I was like, they're just very greasy. I felt very greasy afterwards and then milkshake was quite flavorless and my cholesterol is through the roof now oh no dog surgery now dog surgery i used to go to arby's like on a rotation with a co-worker when i was like in my very early 20s and would go maybe every like three or four months and always enjoyed it

what did you get what was your i think i just got like a roast beef sandwich this is kind of the thing they do. Yeah. And it was really cheap. And like we work like manual labor. So like everything is kind of delicious. Yeah. But I have ordered like fried pickles before and had that same thought. Like I was too into this like massive bag from a local fried chicken place.

And I was like, well, I don't want that. Yeah. Pretty good. But they were, and they were like, the breading had dill in it. Okay. Nice touch. Too much pickle. Too much pickle, maybe.

Sure. I love too much pickle. Yeah. Dave texted me when he was at the Arby's saying that he was having the deep fried pickles. And I said, pick, please. And then he sent our classic gag that we do back and forth the picture of the man

with two penises oh yeah I made you guys show me that before yeah yeah I was very surprised I know still every time I see it

it's hard to find it now because the original picture is gone with the red sticky on it yeah yeah but

I tracked down like a cropped version. Which part's cropped? Oh, you know, you see enough. Yeah, I know. You see it all. You just don't see his Reddit name. You don't see the sticky note. So, yeah.

The other thing that's going on with me is I have a piano out there and I've been playing piano and I've been learning. I like Christmas. So I was learning All I Want for Christmas is You. Oh, yeah. By Mariah Carey. This is the most popular song ever.

Yeah. This is the song that I. Including all music. I would say that since this song came out 30 years ago, 30 years, I just, everything in this podcast has started to surprise me. Yeah.

Like, has there been another Christmas song? Like another new one? Yeah. Like that? Yeah. No, I can't think of one,

Dave. No, like, I think like Paul McCartney hit some, hit a couple early before Mariah Carey came around, right? Simply having a wonderful Christmas time. Wham. Wham. Wham. Wham was probably the big one before Mariah Carey came around right simply having a wonderful Christmas time Wham

Wham Wham Wham was probably the big one before Mariah yeah no yeah since I mean

not for lack of trying like everybody oh yeah I think also the market is just so much bigger now that for anything to have that kind of staying power

seems almost impossible yeah and also like it has to be catchy and very good Faith Hill did one that was on the grinch that stole christmas soundtrack oh sure i forgot that one yeah that's probably that's a

pretty big what's that one where are you christmas oh yeah i know that i didn't realize that was faith yeah um uh and of course uh wilson phillips had hey santa hey santa hey santa santa it's had Hey Santa. Hey Santa. Hey Santa. Santa. It's gotta be like that was my beautiful harmonies. I think I sent it to Dave that I thought it would be great to do a

making a Christmas carol Christmas hit song. Oh yeah. As a podcast. Hard to do. Like you say the queen has reigned

all these years. Well, the queen died. Yeah, Mariah is back. So I was looking, I was trying to learn the song on the piano, and I was looking at the words, and I realized, I don't know the words. I hear this song a hundred times a year. I don't want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need.

And I. I know. Underneath the Christmas tree. What is the sentence? I just want you for my own. I don't need to hang my stocking there upon the fireplace. I don't need a lot for Christmas. Santa Claus won't make me happy With a toy on Christmas day

No No I don't know And then I just want you for my own Listeners at home Treat yourself to this Christmas treat Google All I want for Christmas Spider-Man

And get ready to laugh yourself to sleep It's the best You're welcome That's my Christmas gift to you. I just want you for my own more than even Frank Stallone. Did you know that? That's not true. It's true.

It's true. Uh-uh, Dave. No, you're right. It's Sly Stallone. Sly Stallone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still, I had no idea there was a Stallone reference. And then the second verse is all about don't stop or my mom will shoot.

Stop or my mom will shoot. Don't stop or my mom will shoot stop or my mom will shoot don't stop or whatever you do i'm almost gonna cheat um anyway so uh i just it was a revelation uh i won't ask for much for christmas i won't even wish for snow but i something something don't you know yeah you got it I'm just gonna keep on waiting underneath the mistletoe you ever seen real life mistletoe yes

it's a thing in every like Christmas movie but I never see it in real life I keep buying it and Abby throws it away but that's cause you're wearing it on your belt so that's a little inappropriate don't you like the uh what's the line from Batman Returns away. But that's because you're wearing it on your belt, so that's a little inappropriate, don't you like? What's the line from Batman Returns?

A mistletoe can be poison if you eat it, and the truth can be painful if you eat it. What's the line from Batman Returns? I don't know. They have a line about mistletoe. But you didn't know either. Yeah, but I know that it was there. You got into it and you were like, oh shit.

Ah, shit. Just like the Mariah Carey lyrics. Yeah, a secret can be deadly if you mean it. Yeah. What does that mean? I don't know. Ask Batman. He's the world's greatest detective.

He can figure this shit out. Secrets, eh? Yeah. Huh. Okay, so that's what's going on with me. I went to Hot Topic and Arby's and I don't know the words to that song. And neither do you, listener. No, yeah.

And you did a hell of a lot more than me because I did fucking nothing this week. But one thing I did this past week, many days ago now, Dave Schumacher's birthday. Okay. Oh no, did I miss your birthday again? I don't think so.

birthday okay yeah oh no did i miss your birthday again i don't think so what was it what do you mean by miss it what did you need to do i don't know i'd like to say happy birthday oh yeah sure happy birthday it was also uh sarah silverman's birthday same day oh and she's stayed so young she's still 18 yeah uh Kramer. Was she 18 then when she was dating Kramer? No. No, she didn't play an 18 year old, but she was very young. Was that the episode where his toenails were too long? I don't remember. Yes. Oh, they sleep in separate beds. I remember that. He comes out and drinks a big glass of water and goes, that's the stuff. But I was like, oh, I want to do something funny for Dave's birthday.

So I went to the website Cameo and started combing through all the fantastic cameos. But I'll tell you why it didn't work. I was like, did I get something and not know? No, no. But have you ever gone on the Cameo website? Wedisite? Yeah. Yeah, on the wedding sites.

Wedisite is where you get to marry someone from Cameo. You're willing to pay money. Oh, shit. That's a really good one. You get to marry Chumlee from Pawn Masters. Oh, God. You've heard of it. Have you scrolled through it?

No, what is it? Do you really not know? You know what it is. Have you ever scrolled through it? No, what is it? Do you really not know? You know what it is. Have you ever scrolled through it? I think like a little. To me, it's endlessly fascinating. It's an endlessly fascinating. I bet all those, you know,

Vince from the Slap Chop is on there. For sure. Oh, I didn't even think to look at that, but yeah, for sure. And I was trying to find out like who's the most expensive and Alicia falling asleep. So sorry. for sure. And I was trying to find out like, who's the most expensive and, uh, at least the falling asleep.

Uh, so sorry. She's suppressing a yawn. I'm suppressing a burp. I have to pee too. It's a lot. Do you want to take another break? Let me just finish this.

We can take a breath. No, it's a long story. No, it's not. Uh, like I said, I'm not up to much this week.

So I was trying to find a cameo, and one that I thought would be really fun was the Canucks announcer that does the live announcements. Al Murdock? Yeah, to get him to say happy birthday in the style of the Canucks game. And so I put it in, and I was like, they're such a big fan. Also, he's mad that the calendars aren't getting made anymore. And can you include that in the thing? And he has a 24-hour turnaround, so I clicked on that.

I got a 24-hour turnaround. Open the email the next day. He didn't do it. He didn't do it, and I was like, that leaves a bad taste. But then there was another one that I thought of. I've actually worked with him before. I recorded some voiceover for him back in 06.

Really? Yeah. He seems like a nice guy. Oh, sure. Now he's on my permanent bad list. Oh, yeah. Yeah, with good Really? Yeah. He seems like a nice guy. Oh, sure. Now he's on my permanent bad list. Oh, yeah. Yeah. With good cause.

Yeah. But then the one that I thought was so funny, but he wouldn't do 24-hour turnaround, was the guy who wrote the Carmen Sandiego theme song. Not one of the performers? No, he's one of the performers. Oh, okay. But every one that he does goes, where the world is birthday boy dave shumka but yeah there was no 24 better than seeing you do an impression of what it would have been like

yeah yeah that's a gift which guy is it main guy uh he was here are the two guys main guy deep voice yeah no he's main guy yeah deep voice guy He's not on there I don't think But Yeah That's it That's all I have For me this week But

Have you ever cameoed Have you ever bought one Yeah I bought for you Mr. Bean impersonator Sure That was good That was good

Have you Was that last year No Last year Yeah What Is that the only time That was good. That was good. Have you, was that last year? No, Christmas. What? What? Is that the only time? I think so. I think.

No, I got John Taffer one year. For who? For my wife. Oh, yeah. You know where we went in LA with John Doerr to see, we watched a Canucks game? Oh, yeah? Barney's Beanery. What's Barney's Beanery? It was where we went in LA

to watch a Canucks game with John Doerr. Yeah. John Taffer was a former bartender No! Alright, let's... No! Here are the two times I've bought cameos. Okay, go on. I bought you Chumlee from Pawn Stars. Yes, Chumlee from Pawn Stars.

To congratulate you for defeating Just for Laughs after Howie Mandel was, That's right. They had a thing about they were going to

get rid of Canadian comedians on the station or something on satellite radio. And then the other one I bought for my wife, I bought Spencer Pratt

from the Hills for Mother's Day. And didn't he call her like Ambie or something? I probably got her name wrong a few times. Ambie. Now, Graham. Yes.

Every year around this time. Yes. We do a little thing where we exchange gifts. Yes. It's the annual Stop Podcasting Yourself Secret Santa. Now, this year in the draw was a little different because I got Graham. Okay. And I also got Graham.

So, who got me? I got Dave, but we can all share in my gift. Okay. But do you want to go first? You go first. Give it to me. It was inspired by the five gum that you have over there. I tried some new gum.

I tried that five gum. I have gum by the tried that five gum. I have gum by the brand Five in here. It comes in a big container made of plastic. It's very wasteful, but also you can reuse it. You can reuse it.

Keep your smokes in there or whatever. So I brought a bunch of different gums. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's perfect

for trying on a podcast. Yeah, sure. Let's all have a long winter's chew. I love pure gum. So you got pure brand bubble gum a podcast. Yeah, sure. Let's all have a long winter's chew. I love pure gum. So you got pure brand bubble gum. Delicious. Bubble flavored gum.

Sond's aspartame. No aspartame in that one. You got eclipse. Eclipse is kind of like, feels like kind of an XL-esque. That's what I'm chewing right now. Where'd you get these? That was a listener sent that to our PO box. Okay, interesting that your gift is something that was...

This is Overthinker's gum. It's Overthinker's gum, the gum for Overthinkers. Hmm. Where'd you get that? I don't know. It's an eight piece of cinnamon gum. Oh, yeah. Cinnamon gum.

This is cultured care probiotic gum, which I need because I just took an antibiotic. I love those. Yeah. You can have them. You can share in the bounty. No, you can't. It's my present. Yeah.

Oh, Beemans. Yeah, Beemans. I haven't heard that name in, you know, where they're made. That looks good. Morocco. Really? Yeah. I didn't know that.

Yeah. In Morocco. And Stimorol. I've had Stimorol because we get it in Sweden or Denmark. Stimorol. You got Beemans. You got Probiotic. You got Eclipse.

You got all sorts of, which one do you guys want to try? Try one each. Well, I guess I'll do something cinnamony. I'll do the Overthinkers. He doesn't know where he got that from though. Yeah. It's sealed. You're not an Overthinker if you're not worried about where that gum came from.

All right. Well. What do you want? I think I want the Swedish gum. Swedish gum. I'm going to enjoy a piece of pure bubble gum. What, do you want one of those? No, but I've been telling you to use that gum.

You don't need to fast forward because we're just going to cut to five minutes from now. What do you think original flavor is? Oh, that's nice. Oh, that's cinnamony. I don't want to overthink it, but I kind of just want to swallow it. Yeah, this one's bubble gum and it makes me feel like, yeah, I'm just going to swallow it really quick. Five calories. Five calories in this.

Oh, wow. That's five more. That's four more than a Diet Coke. This says dare to open your mouth on it. I dare you. Does it say dare to open your mouth on it. I dare you. Does it say dare to open your mouth on it? No. On the package it says dare to open

your mouth. Weirdo. I can't tell if this has any allergens in it because I'm blind now because I'm old. It might even be in Swedish. Well, that might be part of why I'm struggling. Yeah, the other one seems to be in

the pure gum have you ever had that before oh yeah it's like my favorite i've been telling you to try it for years because it's very good but it's very expensive i can't afford to be drinking chewing that all the time what is expensive gum and bags you can yes okay it doesn't have what does expensive gum mean like i can get four pack of xl that's 18 bits each and that's like three dollars and fifty cents well probably four dollars and fifty cents now but usually i get it on and now that's like almost three bucks all on its lonesome yeah you know it is expensive you're right it's definitely a price jump but the ingredients are are different than what you've been eating for years. Those are, those are, beemons are like the stick.

Oh my gosh. She's holding it under her nose and giving it a sniff. Take a sniff, pull it out. Oh wow. You got to smell it. Yeah. Oh yeah.

That's some, some tangy. Sorry, listeners. Oh, you know how, you know how, uh,

they used to say that like Trident and the ads for Trident they would say it doesn't stick to your dental work. Yes. Yeah, this does. Overthinkers gum. I'm going to be pulling it out for a week. It gives you something else to do. Yeah.

I'm going to save this, but I bet it's delicious. Well, Graham, I have something for you. Oh my God. Maybe not quite as thoughtful as a bunch of gum that you threw together. Okay, let me see. Oh, it's in a Disney princess bag. So nice. It's got paper on top of it. I'm looking.

I'm pulling out. Oh, my God. It's a George Costanza marine biologist, easy big belly, uh, bobblehead. Yeah. It's from the, uh,

the, that night where they had the Elaine dance competition. Oh my God. That's nice. I found it on eBay. Nice. Thought you'd like it. I love it.

Wow. Yeah. It's so cool. And he's got the little baseball. It actually has that product inside. It's weird because it's a story where he's lying. And Christmas is the day where everyone tells the truth. That's true.

That is. It's a conundrum. Thank you. That's great. Oh, yeah. You're welcome, bud. It is really great. It's no gum.

There's also this other thing. Oh, yes. There seems to be some Santa Christmas coupons. Oh. Not regular Santa Christmas coupons. No, no, no. These are Dave Shumka's. But. No, they're secret Santa Christmas coupons. Oh, yes. There seems to be some Santa Christmas coupons. Oh. Not regular Santa Christmas coupons. No, no, no. These are Dave Shumka's. But. No, they're secret Santa Christmas coupons. Oh, sorry. Wait, I forget how this goes.

Like, they're secret. They're secret. No, they're coupons for like. Who makes them? Dave does. Secret Santa. Wait. How did Dave get them? Wait, you have more for me? Yeah. Oh, I thought the gum was the whole thing. Nope. Shame on me. Secret Santa gift coupons for you. Oh, no. Wait, you have more for me? Oh, I thought the gum was the whole thing. Shame on me. Secret Santa gift coupons for you.

Oh, no. Did you have something that you wanted? Yeah, I think it's in the bag. Oh, some Secret Santa coupons for you from Alicia Tobin. Okay, now it's on. Everyone has coupons except me. Do you want to read the Graham ones? Yeah, you it's on. Now it's on. Everyone has coupons except me.

Yeah, do you want to read the Graham ones? Yeah, you read the... Oh, you read those ones. Sure, so these are Graham... Should I go first? How does it work? I can... I think I have the most here, so...

Now, tell me about these Alicia ones. Did you... Wait, what? Yours are kind of hard. Yours have like a weird word next to all of them. Yeah, it's related to each coupon. Oh, okay. So should I go first and then,

I'll do a couple because you've got more than us. I don't know. You've got a lot. Okay, my first one, present this coupon, and I'll do your laundry. Going to keep that one. Okay, my first one. Present this coupon, and I'll do your laundry. Going to keep that one. Going to keep that one. Good for one knock your socks off kiss.

Yeah. Dave? Good for one of your knock your cock off piss. Yeah. Good for one. Wow. Horse piss. Good for one tender hug that goes on a few seconds too long.

And oh, what's this little visitor boy oh yo yo yo i want all of your coupons we'll share we'll share okay good for one hot oil massage but it's palm oil which is linked to rainforest destruction climate change and human rights violations yeah you don't want to read that one that's true that's true the pictures present this coupon and i will riz you up in front of your high school friends ah and human rights violations. That's true. You've seen the pictures. Present this coupon, and I will riz you up in front of your high school friends. Ah!

That was Harvard, or the Oxford Dictionary's Word of the Year. Yeah, Riz. Present this coupon, and we'll do an improv scene where you're a rich CEO, and I'm a coyote with big tits. I'm a coyote with a story on late boss, and my back is killing me. Oh, yeah.

Good for one night of BDSM. Bowing down to Seth MacFarlane. You got to give it up for him. Family guy. American dad. I mean, come on. The goat. BDSM.

Bowing down to Seth MacFarlane. You just said it so fast. I just want to make sure that it's SIGSY. Everybody. Yeah. Everybody. I just read a thing where he was praising Norman Lear for teaching him how to write

sitcoms, so he's trying to blame it on the dead guy now. No, come on. We've got to give it up for him. He's the goat. I left off the Orville. Good for one guilt-free night out with the boys, but maybe you need to question why you have so much guilt about being with the boys.

That's true. Present this coupon and I'll take over hosting. Sure, yeah. So Alicia, what's it like being a woman in comedy? Good for some sexy role playing where you play a famous podcast host. Well, not famous, but successful. I mean, not super successful. You need to have another job, but it's okay. And you wonder how these new podcasts

keep popping up and they can afford producers and video studios. It's crazy, but no, it's fine. It wonder how these new podcasts keep popping up and they can afford producers and video studios it's crazy but no it's fine it's good and I play a sexy pirate I play a sexy pirate you can just take your time

with these you don't have to read them so fast oh yeah because they're so funny one free you were right I was wrong

in front of a waiter who stands there uncomfortably yeah okay present this coupon and I'll be your designated driver

for the night although I should point out that I'm supposed to drive out at the moment because I'm not supposed to drive at the moment because a strange worm laid eggs in my eyes while I was in the Amazon. I can't see very well at the moment, but anyways, let me grab my keys.

Grab a handful of croutons. They're so funny. Reset this coupon and I'll reupholster you that fat ass of yours. Wow. Yes, do it. Good for breakfast in bed. Oops, I mean Shrekfest in bed. We are going to watch all the Shrek movies,

including the Puss in Boots spinoffs. And you can't get out of bed because I broke your ankles like Kathy Bates in Misery. And the worst part is there's no breakfast. I didn't know they could be that long. I forgot that they could be that long.

That's why I made mine small. I listened to all of the old ones. Okay, these are from Alicia. Yeah. This coupon is valid for a pot of soup so you can have lunch in just a few minutes on busy days. I was thinking like

how nice would it be? Because I probably have to make more than one meal when you're eating with the kids. Because I like different foods. And, like, how about, like, you just have a nice soup. Yeah, let's have a nice soup. This coupon is valid for telling you a memory from my grandmother's funeral. Plus a long back massage from her ghost. Was she good at back massages?

I don't know. Oh, you didn't get grandma massages? I don't know Oh you didn't get Grandma massages? No we're not a touchy feely family Even Sometimes I have even a death This coupon is valid for

Removing a dead animal From your yard But we will use your shovel Is the we Did you and Graham go in on this? On these together? Well it says we We will use it

No you and I Oh you and I So Oh, you and I. So this is good for us. Yeah, this is all about us. Oh, okay. And my desire to be closer. This coupon is valid for a George Bush impression.

No new drugs. I don't know how to do it. Give me, I didn't think you were going to use it right away. I don't have one. Oh, sure, yeah. Well, no,

it wouldn't be prudent. Okay. Are you going to do it? Yeah, I'm not going to do it. Not at this juncture. This coupon is valid for one trip in complete silence to and from Trader Joe's. I

promise to stay quiet. I'm planning to go to Trader Joe's at some point in the near future. But you don't want company. No, I like, I love alone time. I know. So, in case, you know, you ever change your mind and you want company, but silence. I'll just pick, just give me a list of what you want. Nope, I want friend time.

So you get gluten-free noodles. Pretty good trade. This coupon is valid for one trip to the store during a climate crisis event like an atmospheric river. Oh, that I could use. Yeah, that's a good one. It's terrible going out in the rain. Yeah, and I would do that for you. Oh, that I could use. Yeah, that's a good one. It's terrible going out in that. Yeah, and I would do that for you. Oh, that's very meaningful.

Thank you for being a friend. This coupon is valid for holding you up by your legs so you can get a better view of something. Yeah, like, you know, over a fence or at a concert. Oh, sure. No, but I would hold you by the thighs so your butt

would be in my face. Sure. Oh, you don't want to do that. I just ate a musical fruit, the egg. Eggs are fruit. Eggs are fruit. Eggs are fruit.

2024. This coupon is valid for you sell me your house for $1. Oh, no, I redeemed it. This coupon is valid for... No. One threesome

with me, you, and Abby. Well, if you can track down the guy she likes to do it with. You gotta find this boogeyman. He's a booty man. Very thoughtful. Very thoughtful. Okay, so these are Graham's coupons to date.

Now, just take your time with these. I know. I feel like we need to reread this. They've got stickers on every page. Oh, they do have lovely stickers, by the way. I did get a glimpse of them on the way here. Handwritten. These are handwritten.

I printed mine up. Oh, by the way, I went to, I was looking at this. These have gotten more popular in real life. Like I used to, every year I would like Google couple coupons. Yeah. These were called love coupons. I just had to adapt. Yeah.

And there would be a bunch on Pinterest. Now there's like a bunch on Etsy. Oh. And people will like, they'll sell you a $3 PDF and you print it out yourself. Oh. But they're like very horny. Oh, yeah. And there's some that were like, the one that made me laugh the most was one, good for one round of strip. There was a typo.

So it was a good one round of strip poker. a typo so it was a good round one round of strip pocker right I've done that and then the other one that made me laugh was it was the coupon said

good for some foreplay followed by orgasm denial what did you just have an orgasm no I know what's this then?

Not me. What's this? Glue. What's happening over there, Dave? All right, go. Okay. So these are Christmas coupons. 2023.

Year zero looks like an A, so it looks like Zaz. Zaz. Zazba. Zaz. Going slowly. yeah it's like Zaz Zaz Zaz Zaz um going slowly good for one dressing room fashion show

set to Walking on Sunshine your favorite song it is what it was it has been my favorite song at one point in history and doesn't your

brother and sister just always bring it up yeah yeah it's still my favorite song I mean it's great it is a great song. Absolutely. You don't have to defend it.

You ready for good one number two? Good for you to give them something to talk about. Yeah. Whoever that is. Give them something

to talk about. Say it, read it again. Good for you to give them something to talk about. Okay, sure.

I guess I get it. You guys think you can write Christmas coupons? We're new to it. You're 15 years in. This is our first attempt. I really did not want

to follow Dave's coupons, but at least I'm not closing the show. Yeah, that's true. I didn't want to follow him either, but yeah. Well, what about we can read mine

again at the end. Good for one honest critique of the new dance move you're thinking of trying. Yeah. Boy, I feel like my body would critique it with its own creakiness. Creaky, creaky. Good for one Ouija session to summon ghosts of girlfriends past. What happened to his girlfriends?

Huh? It's mostly a movie starring Matthew McConaughey. Oh, man. He had a failure to launch at one point. That's true, he did. In that movie, do they talk about how his girlfriends stay the same age? Because they're all dead.

That's what he loves about them. I keep getting older, they stay dead. Okay, this is a good one. Good for any DVD. Not that the others weren't good, this is a good one. Good for any DVD. Not that the others weren't good. They were great. Thanks. Good for any DVD out of the for sale bin at the gas station.

And that's any gas station. Any gas station. Oh, wow. And what if it's like a two-piece combo of like classic road trip movies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like road trip and... And Hunt for Red October. Yes.

Any doubles included. All right. Whichever ones you want. Good for one chance to say no to drugs or some cocaine. You can have either. Oh, boy. I've been very curious about cocaine. Yeah.

Like I can offer you drugs and you can refuse them or. Or. Boy, do you have any on you? No no but i will uh i'll go and get some i think we should try it before like we all had an extra drink tonight i think we should try cocaine before the end of the show yeah yeah yeah i'll just call my connect uh spicy joe one of the guys From Otter Liquor Spicy Joe Good for freaky Fridaying

With either of your dogs Yeah You can pick Oh boy Which one would you pick? That's funny Go on I would pick Monster

Because he gets to sleep In the bed with us Yeah There you go Oh Irma doesn't? No, Irma gets up in the middle of the night and she whispers, she mouth, pees on the floor. Yes. You can say it.

He pees on the floor. Pees and poos. Oh, wow. What is going on with that? Well, but keep her in her crate and she loves it. She's fine. Okay. I mean, she pees and booze in it all the time.

No. No. Good for you to put a... Good for you. Good for you. Good for you. Thanks. These are good for you coupons.

Good for you to put a lime in a coconut and do whatever you feel. Yeah. Whatever the spirit strikes me. Yeah. You don't have to drink them both up. You can drink one of them up and then another. You can shake them. them up and then another. You can shake them, whatever

you want. Okay, this is the last one and it's very good. Okay. Good for one viewing, just one, of her being fully

loaded with some fully loaded nachos. That's good. Isn't that pretty good? Lindsay Lohan? Yeah. Oh, wow.

Yeah, and there's the penmanship. It's okay. Real wild. Yeah, it's okay. It Penmanship. It's okay. Real wild. Yeah. It's okay. It'll do.

It'll do in a pinch. How often do I write anything now? This guy, you should have heard him bragging about his printer when he got a printer. He's like, I'm going to be broken. It's broken. It's broken. I asked him again today. Yeah.

What's broken about it? It's just, it doesn't do anything. You plug it in, it won't, it refuses to print. It refuses to do the one thing that I bought it to do. I have something weird to tell you. Go on. I'm good at figuring out what's wrong with printers. Do you want me to just give you my printer?

No, I have a printer I already don't use, but it's not broken. Oh, okay. Just like getting it online. Do you want a printer to keep it company? No. No? All right. Let's move on.

Do you want to move on to Overheard? Yes. Thanks. Merry Christmas. thank you! Thank you, too! You come for the king, you best not miss. Last week, The Greatest Generation, the comedy podcast about old Star Trek TV shows

like Star Trek The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager, just had its 500th episode. And Greatest Trek, the podcast about the new Star Trek The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager just had its 500th episode. And Greatest Trek, the podcast about the new Star Trek shows like Strange New Worlds, Lower Decks, and Discovery just had its 250th episode. So whether you have a task that's roughly

750 hours long, or you want to learn about some of the production techniques that go into making one of the greatest franchises in television history, you should give us a try either way. The Greatest Generation and Greatest Trek, the best-reviewed, most-listened-to Star Trek podcasts in the world. They're on Maximum Fun.

Cameron Esposito here, comedian and host of Queery. Every week I get to interview someone amazing from the LGBTQIA plus community. Some Queeros. I chat with them about their lives, loves, careers, and more. I've talked to, you know, giant celebs, Trixie Mattel, Lena Waithe, Keegan, and Sarah Quinn, but also astronauts, reverends, nurses. It's funny, it gets deep, and hopefully it makes you feel like you're part of something. Join me every Monday on Maximum Fun to listen to Queery with Cameron Esposito. It gets deep and hopefully it makes you feel like you're part of something join me every Monday on maximum fun Listen to query with Cameron Esposito Overheard's a segment that we do here on the show even during the holidays. We don't take a break from it. All year long, we do this segment, and we always like to start with the guests. Alicia Tobin,

do you have an overheard? I have an overseen. Okay. It happened at work. My coworker sent me a screenshot of a comment on one of our social media posts, and it said, will you be adding oats to all of your products? I hope not, as I don't eat oats. Oats are a poverty food and a food for horses. Why even add it?

I'll be finding a different product for my family if this is going to happen to all of your products. What if it was written by a horse? Yeah. I wish. That would be the twist. Was your response, nay. Our response was hay is for horses. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, oats is for horses.

Poverty food. Poverty food. Poverty food. Well, lobster used to be poverty food. I used to look at it now. I didn't like it when Anthony Bourdain would say something was peasant food. Yeah. But he meant it in like, this is the food that gives the people the life. It's peasant food. Yeah. But he meant it in like this is the, you know, the food

that gives the people the life. It's peasant food. It's like, hmm. Yeah. Sounds bad. Maybe a different word than peasant. Like surf. Yeah, surf. That's my people. To be chained to the land.

No, no, you're not bought and sold but when the land is sold yeah that's right uh dave do you have an over seen yeah i haven't overseen as a matter of fact um so this is a reddit post and i it just caught my eye and the post was people who can fall asleep quickly. How do you do it? And one of the top responses was, I shut my eyes and noticed whatever mental images pop up first, then just watched as they shift and change. And I was like, really? And then all the responses were, yeah, 100%. This is what I do. really? and then all the responses were like yeah 100%

this is what I do really? yes wow I've never heard of like you close your eyes and images pop into your head like I dream

that keeps me awake I dream and I have but that doesn't happen the moment I close my eyes no that's not dreaming that they're talking about

I guess not but it's like you know how have you heard that some people don't have like a mental yes monologue or whatever yeah yeah I said yes to dreaming that they're talking i guess not but it's like you know how have you heard that some people don't have like a mental yes monologue or whatever yeah yeah i said yes too soon yeah like you don't have a voice in your head that's like narrating kind of like uh whatever maybe narrating is not the right word but like an inner monologue yeah you have

an inner monologue uh some people don't have that. And I think that's weird, but what do you, what is it like? Is your inner monologue always talking to you? Cause I'm wondering if I have an inner monologue. I think you would know if you had an inner monologue. I don't think I have one. That's what I mean.

Yeah. That's just why Graham's so messed up. What are you thinking about? But like, it's hot now that we're bringing it up. I can't think about how mine, uh, works.

Yeah. I don't, I just do stuff. That's because you ate the overthinking gum. I know. Yeah. I'm an overthinker gum, but like I,

I definitely have, sometimes I notice it. I'm like, Oh yeah, I'm thinking about what was I going to do? And like, like, why am I in this room?

How did I get here? This is my beautiful car. Where's my beautiful wife? Um, yeah, I, uh, you,

you both are having a voice saying like, I'm talking to the microphone. No, it's, it's, it's, yeah, it's not like it doesn't saying what I'm,

it's not saying, it's not narrating like, well, it was a beautiful day. It was 85 degrees. And I, uh, went I went downstairs and I bought a can of Coke. But it's more like, it's like kind of asks questions like, what am I doing? It like prompts me. Oh, okay.

And you're like, I got it from here, narrator. Yeah. Or it's like, like okay what do i need to do next uh oh you know and i figure it out mine's more like just thinking about like everything and like overthinking things and then i know the gum come for you yeah and thinking about things all around me and then also that am i being normal do i seem normal am i acting normal but is that a near voice or is that just a general feeling no it's like a kind of chatter chatter that's no good oh is it chowder chowder it's chowder yeah i do have some chowder that's

constantly going inside of me i bet you love chowder um so yeah that's how i sort of felt about that like maybe it's very common For people to close their eyes And have a bunch of images Swirling around Sounds nice When that has happened to me And it has happened to me

Recently For me Like that's not Normal before I go to bed Close my eyes And see a bunch of stuff But sometimes it's lights And I wonder if it's like

From looking at my phone Yeah How good are you? How do you guys fall asleep? Are you good at falling asleep? I'm okay. If you're getting better, you must be. Well, drugs are the best.

Oh. Yeah, drugs rule. I usually have an okay time falling asleep and difficult time staying asleep. Oh, okay. Yeah. So maybe I have like kind of like a good week every month and then it varies. I am. I have terrible sleep habits, but I'm great at falling asleep. Yeah. So maybe I have like kind of like a good week every month and then it varies. I am, I have terrible sleep habits, but I'm great at falling asleep.

Yeah. Like I stare at my phone until the moment I fall asleep. And do you wake up with it on you or do you manage to put it on? No, and usually I'm like, I will sometimes be like, okay, this is too heavy for me to carry anymore. I'll put it down and I'll just listen to a podcast. I'll set a timer for 10 minutes, like to turn off after 10 minutes and then I'm out. And you're out. Nice.

That's great. Sounds good. But then do, what do you mean by terrible sleep habits? Like you're not supposed to look at your phone. Okay. But you sleep okay. Oh yeah.

That's great. Yeah. Great. I mean, I love it. Yeah. I wish my dog didn't wake me up so early. I know.

You haven't overheard. I do. It's an overseen as well. I got a spam call. Sometimes I get a spam call from a woman speaking in Chinese. Yeah, I get her. Don't know what she is offering me. That's actually my inner monologue.

But my phone, I've never seen this function before where it does a transcription oh of what uh what was said and i'll just read it uh and we'll just add it out alicia's yawn yeah oh i'm so sorry she juicy hing when she was teaching at the gym on her fling hello china concert jungle to jenna she can come to when you told you to shower she has when she been teaching at each coughing wow yeah then that was they translated chinese into they didn't translate it no this is this is the words they think it was yeah okay it's a lot of she yeah yeah uh my favorite favorite is teaching at the gym on her fling. Hello, China.

With capital letters. Pretty good. Yeah, pretty good. All the capitals? No, just capitals at the beginning. Oh, sure. Yeah. Like a proper name.

Yeah, like China. Well, that's a show, I guess. No, no, no. We have overheards that are sent in to us from all over the globe. If you want to send in to us, you can send in to sby at maximumfun.org. Let me find. I didn't send an email, but I know where they are because there's very few of them that we have anymore. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You didn't send one. No. But just give me two seconds We got no place to be Well at least Gotta go to bed soon I'm so sorry

No I know I also mean You need to go to bed soon You go to bed at like seven? Uh nine Seven nine Um Okay

I have one at least Let's start on this Okay This is uh From Jen They them Halifax, Nova Scotia. I'm standing out in the maritime cold waiting to be allowed into my kid's Christmas concert. Into my car.

Into my car. So we can go kiss the cat. I get screeched in. Every day before I go to work, I get screeched in. Waiting to be allowed into my kid's Christmas concert at school, and I'm reminded of an overheard from last year's concert. Our daughter was only four, so she was in the audience while her older brother and his classmate reenacted the Nutcracker.

Oh, I bet you that was fantastic. After an admittedly long series of cute songs and questionable violin performances, the principal announced that it was time for the big finale, sung by the entire school, Seven Feet of Snow. Never heard of it? No. Seven Feet of Snow. My daughter, at this point, at her wit's end, yelled,

Seven Feet of No! Nice. Have her on the podcast. Yeah. Good scorch, good scorch. No, I've seen, I had a copy of 12 Inches of Snow, the debut album by Snow. Do you think that was because the album was a 12 inch? No.

I don't know. Was it? What do you think? What? Isn't that what they called like a record back then, a 12 inch? Oh yeah, 12 inch. And a then? A 12 inch? Oh yeah. 12 inch. And a 45 centimeter?

No. Revolutions per minute. Yeah. This next one comes from KCR, I believe in South Los Angeles. Okay. Is it KCRW? Is it the radio station? It's the radio station.

Do you know the radio station? Yeah. Is it the radio station? It's the radio station. Do you know the radio station? Yeah. Saw this back windshield memorial sticker in a supermarket parking lot in South LA this morning. Not only was this almost 40 years ago, dude was apparently 19. So it's a sticker on the back windshield that says, in loving memory, My Virginity, 1966 to 1985.

Good. It's good to remember. Yeah, he probably lost it to Back to the Future. Huey Lewis was playing. What would be the best, for our younger listeners out there, what would be the best movie

to lose your virginity to? Oh, probably Terrifier 2. Terrifier 2? Scary movie. It's got a scary clown. Very bloody movie. It's the scariest clown. of virginity too oh probably terrifier 2 terrifier 2 scary movie it's been a scary clown very bloody movie

he's the scariest clown um boy yeah clifford yeah clifford clifford

yeah we all gonna agree um uh okay this last one comes from

uh gabriel v this is a photo angel gabriel from the bible it's him and he's singing on hi yeah he's saying uh do not be afraid i bring you glad tidings of great joy thank you gabriel welcome for uh born unto us in bethlehem as a child or whatever now i don't know if this is this is an actual thing it looks it looks like a thing from a textbook which it could be a thing from a textbook yeah i've seen that before you think is that that's not real i don't know um because i can find another one i can find another

one can you though we have so few exactly next week's going to be difficult. Yeah, I figured that one might be a... I don't know if it's funny baloney, but it's... It's floated around. It's floated around for sure. What was it? It was a picture from a textbook of somebody saying they're from Canada and that they can smoke weed all the time. It was like English is a second language.

And here's some Canadian bud. I learned most of my English from this, uh, trans this, uh, transcription that I got on my phone. Maybe, uh, I can't. Hello, China. So weird. Um, you know what? I can't find the other one. So, you know what?'re rich in christmas coupons

poor in overheards okay we'll accept that but in addition to two overheards that are written and we also accept three overheards that are called in and if you want to call us our phone number is 1-844-779-7631 that's one spy pod one like these people have hey stop podcasting yourself this is christine in vancouver with an overheard i was walking my friend's dogs uh yesterday while i was dog sitting and i passed two women they were on a street corner chatting and the dogs kind of got me close enough that I could hear what sounded like the end of their conversation with one of the women saying, yeah, so I'm just trying to suck it all up. And the other woman replying, it would seem like her goodbye was, well, good luck sucking. Keep on sucking, guys yeah just love I love

interaction with people love to witness it yeah you always do you always have loved it that's Christina

who also occasionally has walked my dogs oh yeah yeah um uh

with other dogs like a professional dog walker no no no this is just a friendly walk around the block yeah my dogs will not. They will not participate.

That's a friendly interaction that will not happen. My dogs and other dogs? Yeah. Yeah. Would you ever? No. You would never put Hank in a multiple dog walking. Yeah, he used to do that, but it turned out he would sit in the car most of the time and not play with them.

Yeah. Sit in the car. Yeah. And you'd tell the guy, roll up the window. Pretty much. And not play with them. Yeah. Sit in the car. Yep. And you'd tell the guy, roll up the window. Pretty much. And it was like, you know, $40 a walk. So he can sit at home for free.

Here's your next phone call. Hey, David Graham and guests. I'm calling with a later on overheard. This was from the summer and now it's winter. But I was driving in the summer, and some friends and I spotted a very pregnant woman with one of those novelty shirts that had two thumbs pointing up at her, and it said,

this guy needs a beer. No friggin' way. That's so great. I love it. I was watching, how long was I watching? It was like a movie from the 90s, and somebody did the, who's, you know. Who's got two thumbs.

And I feel like in the movie, I was like, this was when that was new. Yeah. When that was new, it was genius. It was so good. Yeah. Now you can buy it at Spencer Gifts. Yeah. But it would be two boners pointing at you or something like that yeah you got two boners

and want some fried pickles oh well who's got two boners that wants to do a reddit AMA that'll be next year's sticker and or pin

will be the man with two dicks no one final phone call yep hi Dave Graham and probable guests. This is Melissa calling in with Ben Overheard.

I was at a birthday party with my son, who is almost six. The party was at this indoor kids' play place. He spent the whole time trying to get me to play with him and um i uh kept trying to get him to play with his friends and i was like oh look this friend over here that

friend over here and he was like no mommy you play with me and uh someone actually asked him to play and he just kind of shook his head at them and i finally was like she was like you're at this party people want to play with you you should go play with your friends. And he goes, Mommy, I came to this party to eat cake and have fun, not to play with my friends. Didn't come here to make friends. Came to eat. Yeah. Fucking right.

You don't want to be bossed into socialization when you're. Yeah. It's cake time. It's fun. Everybody shut up. It's cake. Possibly pizza.. It's cake, possibly pizza. I'm in this bouncy castle. Why are there other people here?

Dave, can I ask a question? As a parent, do you get cake and pizza at these parties or are you just kind of on the sideline? We're now getting to the age where the parties don't involve... We don't have to stick around. But back to the day it would be

oh you should have seen it. I get cake. I get pizza. Both kinds. Yeah. Cheese and pepperoni. I get a little fruit plate. Oh yeah.

Nice. You get a little ice cream on the side with the cake? No a little ice cream On the side No No No ice cream No Seems weird Sorry I guess I didn't come here

To make friends I came here to eat cake With no ice cream Yes Yeah This is like Shaking you to your very core Oh well

This has been a blast Holy shit What a holiday episode this has been. The journey we've gone on where we should have read Secret Santa Coupons that Dave made last, we realized we did in the reverse order, which it should have happened. I mean, live and learn. Yeah, I'm going to next year. I'm going to really. Well, no, in the next 15 years.

I'll mark the next 15 years as that. Have we been doing these? We haven't done them from day one, though. Oh, that's true. When do you think you started doing them? Maybe 2010? Yeah. I love it.

Shit, shit, shit. And Alicia with her hilarious tattoo that we never saw coming. I hope it didn't hurt too bad to get. No. But so funny. And I hope it didn't hurt too bad to get. No. But so funny. And I hope it won't hurt too bad to get removed. I know. I'm like, will I have this forever?

Probably not. Probably not. You've never looked into tattoo removal, have you? No, but I've had tattoos covered up. Oh, sure. Yeah. Right. That's what I would just do with this one.

Oh, sure. With another joke, probably. Yeah. Whatever else makes Graham laugh as hard as this makes him laugh. Well, when the king dies, you can cross out queen and put king. Yeah. I guess I. Oh, man.

He's going to be dead any day. We're going to have to go through that. No, long live the king. Well, long live the king. Thank you so much, Alicia, for being our guest. And thank you, all you out there, keeping cozy next to the fire with some warm cocoa. Oh, yeah, the good hello to the my nog, bro.

Yeah, you only get 30 days of it. So down it as much as you can. Free some for later in the year. And come on back next week for another episode of Stop Podcasting Yourself.