Stop Podcasting Yourself - Episode 877 - Bita Joudaki

Episode Date: January 7, 2025

Comedian Bita Joudaki returns to talk calling clubs, Dave’s topic dump, and too much pasta. Follow us: Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Bluesky.

Hi, he's Dave Schumke. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to episode number 877 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark and with me as always is a man they call baby new year, Mr. Dave Schumka. Look at the little tush.

Look at my... Why, baby new year wears a diaper. No, not in my mind. Call the cops. Yeah. I'd like to report a fantasy. About a certain baby. My friend was fantasizing that the baby new year was naked, but I think he's wearing a diaper.

We'll be right there. We'll be right there. So I guess he does the baby new year. Does he have like, does he eventually put a diaper on? I mean, yeah, he just knew he didn't, he wasn't born with a diaper. Yeah, but when you're born, you basically got a diaper on pretty soon

because you got that, what's the first poo called? There's a, our guest is the- The first Noel. There's a, ah, muconium. Ew, wow. Yeah, I know. You know what I mean? And it's not, it's different than what you're used to.

It's like tar. Ew. And I'm talking about the Kate Blanchett movie. Our guest today, a return guest to the podcast, she is a comedian. She is a television writer. She is an all around wunderkind. It's Bita Judaki. Hello, Bita.

Hello. Thanks for coming back on the show. Thank you for allowing me back. Yeah, we did have, this was controversial when we announced it to our fan base. A lot of people were, there's a lot of consternation, but we said we stand by Bita. We stand by Bita through thick and thin.

Thank you. I have a lot of opinions to express tonight. I can't wait. Let's get, get to know us then. Get to know us. Here we go. Here comes the floodgates are about to open. Okay, I appreciate it.

What do you gotta say? Immigrants. You thought I was in trouble for baby new year. Oh boy, here it comes. That's the whole statement. Bita, how you been? I'm okay. It's really warm.

But no, but I'm suffering. It's good. That's what you like. Dave offered to put on the AC. And you specifically said you wanted to suffer. And I said I wanted to suffer. And you're wearing a sweater. Yeah.

And it's- You've got a glow. It's sweat, honey. Is it always sweat or is there a product that you can get that's like a shiny face shine? Oh yeah. Vaseline. Yeah, there's a lot of products give you that like

dewy, dewy shiny kind of thing. The dewy decimal system. I remember there was this SNL sketch in the late 90s. And I think it's very divisive because people think it's bad. But it was the super dreamy, like the Tiger Beat super duper dreamy love show. And it was-

It sounds bad so far. Yeah, and it was a bunch. Oh God, I've watched it so many times. But it was like Sarah Michelle Geller was the host and it was all talking about like 90s like boys, cute boys and the Backstreet Boys and Jonathan Taylor Thomas. But it was sounding even worse. This is deteriorating. As a premise?

Yeah. You don't even like it's just a bunch of girls talking about boys? Okay fine. But you said it might be bad and it feels like it's deteriorating. As a premise? Yeah. You don't even, like, it's just a bunch of girls talking about boys? Okay, fine. I'm like. But you said it might be bad. And it feels like it's bad somewhere. Well, no, it's bad. The thing that's divisive about it is that,

so it's, they love Jonathan Taylor Thomas and they get, Norm MacDonald comes on as a guy who directed a movie with Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Like a made-for-TV movie, I believe, called Making Weight. Oh. The story of like a made for TV movie, I believe called Making Weight. Oh. The story of like a high school wrestler. And his mustache keeps falling off and it's divisive and bad because he's an old man

who talks about how dreamy Jonathan Taylor Thomas is. Oh, like Graham. I don't have any opinions on JTT, all right? I'm going into way too much detail on this. The... The... Um... Wait, why?

The sketch is taking so long. How did this come up? And I'll tell you how it came up because we're talking about shiny faces, but one of the sponsors of this show was for face gloss. Ooh. Where lip gloss, it takes over, where lip gloss stops. Well, they predicted that

because that's like a beauty trend now. Yeah. Shiny face. You want to shine? You got a bit of a shine. It looks good. Shut up. No way.

I don't. I'm just painting a picture for the audience. I'm sweaty. We normally take a picture of us with our guests, but I think I'm going to wait until you sweat even more. Oh my god. Until your hair's matted down. That's fine.

I don't care. You look like Elaine at the Bagel restaurant. And I want to. Bita, since you were last on the podcast, you've become like a full-fledged TV writer. Not really. Yeah, right. You're writing for a show that exists

on air in real life. One of the only sitcoms in the country. It's canceled, darling. Is it, really? Yeah. Because of something it said? Because of something I said. Oh shit. Is it really canceled? Yeah, yeah. Oh said? Because of something I said. Oh shit.

Is it really canceled? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. I think I can say that. It's been... We were talking. Maybe we got that out. No, no, it's okay.

How many, but it's, children ruin everything. Yeah, yeah. And it was on for a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Multiple seasons and it was always like the show that they would show after the Super Bowl. Listen, yeah. It was like the sitcom.

Yeah, it's been on for years and people, it was on CTV. I don't, yeah, you know, I don't know why they did it. I- You just wrote a few episodes? Half even, half episodes. Sure, but like, were they- What does that mean? Do you feel responsibility for it or for the show? Do I? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right for it being canceled. Yes. I Take full responsibility

I want to talk about what I want to talk about the showmaking process. How do you write half an episode? Are you just a partner? Yeah, you have like a partner. Okay, so you only take credit for half of the jokes Yeah, the good ones the good ones. The good ones. The show was Children Ruin' Everything, it's canceled. It was created by the great Kurt Smeet. You guys know him, you do. Yeah. Yeah, he's really good.

He created Kids Ruin' Everything. Exactly. Yeah. He's very funny. He helped when we were trying to make this sound serious into a TV show. Oh, right, he told me this. He was helping us.

Because he's cousins with one of those people. He's the cousin of past guest Peter Oldring. Oh, okay! And he also does a very funny, his Twitter had a really funny video of him doing an impression of everyone from the TV show. Everyone loves Raymond. No, uh, um. What was the one, the nuclear reactor? The Simpsons. Chernobyl.

Oh, Chernobyl. Wait, is that a, that wasn't a sitcom, was it? No, I just, I called it a series. That was a family sitcom. Guys, we're going off the rails. I take full responsibility. Let me bring it back. Let me bring it back.

It would be the one we're going for. Immigrants. Oh, I take full responsibility. Let me bring it back, let me bring it back. Beat it, beat it down for us. Immigrant. Oh God, not again. What is... Name your top five immigrants. My mom, my dad, and my aunt. Yeah. That's three.

That's three. Top three, yeah. Yeah, I said top five. Okay. But I'll also add, Serge Ibaka and Pascal Siakam. Oh, okay. Yeah, those are good guys. Those are hockey players?

They're basketball players. Oh. Yeah. You know what? I guess half the Canucks are immigrants as well. Yeah, if you think about it, we all are. Yeah, this country is a mosaic of people bringing their own culture here.

I mean, that's the good way of painting it. Yeah. It's also stolen land. Yes. Tell us what it's like to write a TV episode. Like, you have to break it in the room. I know that. You have to come up with the beat.

Are you in a room or zoom room? Sometimes zoom sometimes in person. Okay Um, a lot of our listeners are american tv writers and they're like can i make tv show? Yeah. Yeah, no one watches Chernobyl the sitcom. It's crazy. How no one watches canadian tv Uh, it's not that crazy is it? But like why watch french tv French watch French TV in Quebec. Yeah, the French. They've got their own celebrity system.

I heard a stand-up in Quebec made $5 million touring. Yeah. They have such a supportive... There's a guy named Mike Ward. That's who I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, and he makes $5 million a year every year. That's crazy. How can I do that? How much French do you speak?

One percent. Yeah, I think I saw a list, this was maybe 10 years ago, of the top 50 episodes of anything in ratings in Canada. Yeah. And it was like the Super Bowl, the Oscars, and 48 episodes of Big Bang Theory. Oh, yeah. And there's so many spinoffs.

Oh, yeah. Young Sheldon. And then there's like Sheldon's parents. Is there now? The first marriage of Anne and God. Feeling kind of Sheldon. Something like that. It's like Star Wars.

It has an expanding universe. They keep going back and releasing special editions. Yeah. Yeah. The toys are more valuable if you left them in the case. Yeah. They changed it and so the Bazinga shot first. Right. How many episodes of Big Bang Theory would you say you've watched?

Maybe half of some. Yeah, I've watched half of some. I don't think I've watched an entire episode and then. Sometimes my dad assumes I watch it and so he will tell me about a thing that happened. He'll be like, well, Sheldon did this. It reminds me of when you're a kid and you're telling your parents about something that happened on GoBots or whatever.

That's so cute. It's funny how the roles reversed, isn't it? Yeah, crazy world that way. So TV writer, stand up. I don't think you were like doing as much stand up in the- Last time I was here. Yeah, but you're out. I'm out doing it.

How do you like it? It's so hard. Yeah, right? It's so hard. I've been doing it for, I don't know, five years. Yeah. I have seven minutes of good material. That was me.

It's so hard. How do you do it? Some people have albums- A year. A year. Yeah, the French, they can do that. They can turn out an album. Wait, how can I make $5 million a year with seven minutes of material?

You kidnap somebody whose family has lots of millions. What standup do you think has done the most with the least amount of material? Jerry Seinfeld. Oh. Jerry Seinfeld basically has had the same, now he's retired it, but he got a sitcom out of it. Oh, that's great.

He got an album out of it. He got a Netflix special out of it. He, Seinfeld the book he got out of it. Nobody has had more success. B-movie? B-movie, absolutely. He got Seinfeld. He got Seinfeld the book out of it. Yeah, sign language. Sign language. Yeah. That's a good title. I don't, yeah, I. He got Seinfeld, the book out of it. Yeah, sign language.

Sign language. Yeah. It's a good title. I don't think anybody has like, what's your book gonna be called? It's gonna be called. Beat A That. This is just the room.

I hated that so much. Because if sign language was like. Beat, Beat A That. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Nice, yeah. See, the room came up with something and it kinda, you know, needed to percolate

a couple minutes. Yeah. Um, yeah. Oh, by the way, I listened to your album. It was so good. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Thanks, I think I have two monthly subscribers

on Spotify, so it's doing well. It's so good. Thank you. You sound so loose up there. Everyone go listen to Graham's album, Clark Language. Yeah. Yes.

Clark that. Yeah, and they put out another one. You did? What? Yeah, not officially put out yet, but I had to put it out in time to submit for prizes. Oh, you're so submissive. We do.

So is it on Spotify? It is not on Spotify. Oh, where're so submissive. Woohoo! So is it on Spotify? It is not on Spotify. Oh, is it reachable by anyone? When you put it out. When I put it out, you'll know where to find it. But you said you already put it out. Well, technically. You have to have it for sale at some, in some.

Somewhere. Okay, so people can find it at the North Pole record store. Santa loves it. BDem, we're recording this the day it's released. It's 2025. We love 2025. We do. Oh, right.

My life rules. Yeah. Do you feel at the beginning of the year, like that kind of thing where you're like, okay, this year reset new year new everything I never believed anything good will happen I'm like what new ways will I be disappointed this year? Oh, that's fine. I'm just joking and you and um, I Thought you guys would laugh at that. Um

You're right company, sorry Yeah, shit Now I have six. Um, I know. I think that's right. We take it very seriously. Do you guys do resolutions? I always like, I feel like I don't know myself well enough or have like, like the kind of self-reflection needed. Like some of my friends have such really like impactful resolutions. Like what? Like change their whole mindset about something

or become a completely different person? Like one person was like, I wanna try to, I can't even remember, but it was just like, becoming like a better human. Oh yeah, that's hard. Well, they need to do that, because they're a bad human. I don't need to make resolutions,

because I'm already perfect. Yeah, mine is like, I wanna remember to read. Yeah, well that's a good one. I should, I wanna read more. I wanna read more just like, how many books did you read this year? Not many books, but I've read a lot of- Porno?

Yeah, a lot of porno. I wouldn't consider reading the porno. Well, some of that apparently has articles. That was always a thing they said. It'd be very funny, because I know it's like Penthouse and Playboy, but it was never like one of the like jugs What were the articles on in those well in Playboy they would have like celebrity interviews, oh right

Yeah, you know they would have Maybe they would have like Fiction excerpts. Yeah, right man, we used to be a society. It's true. Yeah, that's true. Quaaludes. How many books? Oh, shit, quaaludes.

I wanna try quaaludes. I would love to. Apparently, they're not a thing. Like, they're impossible. Someone, some old motherfucker has five. All right, if you're an old motherfucker, send us three ludes. Three ludes, that's all we want.

We wanna just try them. Oh, I've heard they're so good. What do they do? Don't they just make you not able to stand up or talk or think? I can only imagine the scene from Wolf of Wall Street where he's trying to get in the car. Yeah, I feel like they relax you, right?

They just turn you into a puddle of goo. We should take one and do an episode. But they're literally impossible. Like they don't exist. They're a... Someone can make them. It's... No?

I don't even know. Like, okay, let's Google lewd. Cause it used to be legal, right? Quaaludes, they were something you could get from... And that's Quaaludes with two A's. What the hell? Mythiquaillone. Well, nothing's coming up. Why is Quaalude banned? Yeah, what the hell? Myth of Quailone. Well, nothing's coming up.

Why is Quailude banned? Yeah, what the hell? Mainly due to its psychological addictiveness, widespread abuse, and illegal recreational use. Losers. But like, cocaine is banned for that reason, but people still get it. People still get cocaine.

Okay, Google, why can't you get Quailudes? Google dark web first so that it doesn't show up on your search. Google Quailudes? Google dark web first so that it doesn't show up on your search. Google, Quaaludes, where to get. 911. What countries are Quaaludes still legally available? Ah. Coming through Quora.

It is no longer legally manufactured, but you can get stuff labeled Quaaludes from various solicit suppliers. Thank you. Okay. I love Quora, because sometimes the question is just like, I think I smell bad.

People say that I smell bad. What do I do about it? Some people don't. How many books did you read this year? Let me think. But do you? I think I read like three or something. That's good. That's okay, right? Yeah, not bad, not bad. I think I read like three or something. That's good.

That's okay, right? Yeah, not bad, not bad. I think I read two or three. You know what? No, I read more because I will read out loud to my kids. That does not count. If I read the giver, it doesn't count. Okay, the giver counts.

We had to read that in grade seven. I don't, what is it? What's the giver? Never. I wasn't listening. How were you as a student? Pretty bad. Yeah?

Pretty average, got by on my charm. Nice. I got the principal's award, almost failed many classes. What is the principal's award? Just like he liked seeing, he gave it, I remember he was like, this next student can be found laughing in the halls. Please welcome the Joker.

Do you think you have Joker disease? I might, I do hate women. Is that what it is, do you know that? Also, what are your feelings about Batman? I hate him. Yeah, there you go. Doesn't he like protect banks? He's a billionaire.

He does, yeah. And he will catch a robber trying to rob a bank and stuff like that. Isn't that famous opening scene of the Dark Knight with the bank robbery? Yeah. So good, by the way. So good. Check it out. So good. Yeah.

Batman never intervenes. No, cause it's by the way. So good. Check it out, so good. Yeah. Batman never intervenes. No, because it's during the daytime. I don't feel like Batman does a lot of daytime work. Oh, try, that's because the Bat-signal doesn't work in daylight. That's right. Oh my God, I've never thought of that. Well, now it's time to expand your horizons

and think about that kind of stuff. When you read books, are you sitting down and reading them? Are you an audiobook person? Are you reading fiction, nonfiction, self help? I listen to Celeb Memoirs audiobook. Okay, who have you listened to this? Mariah Carey, not this year,

but Mariah Carey has a really good one. Yeah. I usually listen to her, yeah. Is it sad or? Well, she's had a crazy life. Yeah, because she was in the biz as a 12 year old. She started really, really young, right? Well, you know who's got a really crazy life?

Ricky Martin, he's living la vida loca. Ricky Martin. I've heard, listened to his celebrity, you know? Yeah. Autobiography. You would? Yeah, why not? I don't think you would

Why do you know you're not interested in Ricky Martin, but as well if he was reading it I might be they usually do Yeah, yeah, did Mariah Carey. Yeah, and she sings does she hit those high notes. Yeah. Yeah. Oh I'm gonna go see her. Yeah? In February. Oh, wow. In Vegas. So I, at my daughter's birthday, it was the weekend of the Taylor Swift concerts.

And I asked the eight-year-old girls who were there, are any of you going to see Taylor Swift? And one of them, they all said no, but one of them looked at me so offended. And another person was like, oh, she hates Taylor Swift. Wow. Oh, okay. But then another girl was like,

I'm going to see Mariah Carey in Vegas in February. Oh my God. I was like, oh, that's all. Wait, that's my friend. No. No. That's my eight year old friend. Have you ever been to Vegas?

Yeah, yeah, I've been. You like it? I like it because everyone kept telling me That's my eight year old friend. Yeah, yeah, I've been. Do you like it? I like it because everyone kept telling me I looked really young. But they, and I was, I think I was 27. 27. But Americans are crazy.

Oh, this was in Vegas. I missed Graham's question. I was like, what are we talking about? The only bad thing about seeing Mariah Carey in February, no Christmas song. Or do you think she'll sing it? I think she'll sing it. Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum.

Yeah, who knows? Are you going, is this a solo venture? You're going with friends? Sorry. Put on the bald wig. You wanna put the bald wig on? Can I put it on over the- Yeah, let's take a picture now.

Yeah. Does this look good? Yeah, let's take a picture now. Yeah. Does this look good? Yeah, it looks really good. You don't even need to ask. It looks so good. There it is. Yeah, that's the shot. Hehehehe.

That's awesome. I'll just wear it for the rest. OK, yeah, that'll keep you cool. Do you guys ever think about taping your podcast? Like with a VCR? Yeah. Yeah, we're not interested in the video part, but I would if we gave a VCR.

Are you asking if we would make a video version of this? Yeah. Okay. What if I do it for you? Yeah, this is good. Okay. Okay, so you got- This is how you get views. This is how you go viral.

I know, I don't know if that's what we want. You guys don't care about that. No. Well, I- I'm too cool for go viral. I know, I don't know if that's what we want. You guys don't care about that. No, well I- You're too cool for that. Okay, no, over hitting him. I'm trying to think of why I was considering why I don't really like the idea of it. And I think it's cause as a, we started this

cause I really liked podcasts. Aw. And I liked listening to podcasts. And I feel like so many people are just like, you know, I'm a comedian. I gotta, I gotta be making a podcast. I got to have an Instagram presence. But I, we just, you know, like to goof around in a room and I listen to podcasts and I don't

watch podcasts. I don't either. I only see the clips online. I don't watch. I don't sit down and watch. I know people do, but like I am sort of doing this because of what I like. Aww, that is so sweet. I'm sort of following my bliss.

Oh my god, I kind of really like you. You're not gonna like me for very long though. I just decided I kind of really like you. But you know what? You wanna know something about me? No. I'm an immigrant. Fuck! And I already have my top three,

there's no room for another. Yeah, the video podcast, I don't know who edits them. Like they need to have a full on producer. You guys could have like a person. There is, where would they sit? Oh no. No, no. What would we pay them? That's the thing. Yeah. No, I think? Oh no. No, no. What would we pay them? That's the thing.

Yeah. No, I think a lot of like AI does it. Like I've used other podcasts I make. There's like, you know, smart editing and they'll. Interesting. They come up like it automatically generates the captions. Oh, I didn't know that. But also like there's standups that shoot their whole thing.

Like now it's from two different angles and a camera on the audience. And this is just for Instagram clip. I know that. Also, there's standups that shoot their whole thing. Now it's from two different angles and a camera on the audience. And this is just for Instagram clips. Yeah, that's insane. But it's the only way to make a dime in this goddamn town. Yep. The bald cap has changed me. The bald cap is still there.

Do you play in clubs or just indie stuff? Listen, I try to get into clubs. I wonder why you're overheating or with a latex tucom. I try to get into clubs, they never respond to my emails. What am I doing wrong? Do you not, yeah. I never go, everyone's like,

you have to go down there and introduce yourself. Oh, fuck that. A lot of standup comedy is hanging out. That is true. Yeah, so a lot of just like, come to a show, hang out at a show, maybe get five minutes if you're lucky or somebody bails at the last minute. You gotta have a powerful manager.

Okay, so how do I do that? You march right in there and say, then you, you know. I should do that classic bit where I pretend I'm my own manager. Oh yeah? Yeah. When I first went to Just For Laughs, all the Toronto comics had agreed to share a fake agent.

Oh, yes, see this is real. Yeah, and they had like a website and an email address and a phone number for- Will you guys be my fake agent? Yeah, okay. Yeah, absolutely. Pretend you're calling me as a agent. Hello, I'm a club owner.

Wait, go again? Oh. Bring, bring. Do it for Graham. Okay. Okay. Yeah, okay, sorry. You know what?

Start again. Can we start with bring, bring? Okay, okay. Scene. Bring, bring. Okay, okay. Scene. Ring ring. Hello? Hello. Clark Hallant here.

I'm the receptionist. Oh, you sound like you have a brain injury. I do. I was kicked in the head by a mule this morning on my way to work. Oh, rustic. I live in the mule district. No one has backs on their shoes. Oh my God. And anyway, who's this?

This is Graham Clark. What the hell? Okay, I- That's how you definitely feel. This brain injury's hitting me hard. I'm gonna put you through to Graham. He's our head manager agent. Okay. Go for Graham. Hello

Hello, I'm a very good agent or no you are I am Who am I again? You're you Oh This is why you can't get into clubs This is my whole bit Well that's what emails she sends to clubs is

Hello club. Oh wait, who am I again? I thought I was the club. Yeah, uh, hello club. Oh, wait, who am I again? I thought I was the club. Yeah. I was supposed to be the club. Yeah. Whatever. Wait, you were going to be the club and he was going to be the agent. I was the agent that would get you.

Okay. Okay. Hold on. Okay. You're the club now. Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

You're the club. Okay. And you're an agent and can I still have. I'll just be the, as the operator you have to go through. It's 1942. Okay. Hey, hello. Hello, Klondike Five.

I'm looking to speak to, I forget. Are you a club? I'm looking- Are you a club or are you a comedian? I'm a club. I'm a club. What's the name of your club? Club Coming.

That's a club. I'm a club. What's the name of your club? Club Coming. That's a club in New York. That's Alan Cummings Club. Is it real? Yeah, I couldn't think of anything else. All right, you can be Club Coming. You're Club Coming, okay. And you are stand up or? I'm, wait, who am I?

You're a club and you're Vita's agent trying to hook her. Why can't we remember this? So you're a club calling me looking for people to play in my club. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Hello, yeah. Hello. So you're a club. Yeah, yeah. And you're looking for comedians to perform at your club. Yes.

Are you looking for hosts, features or headliners? Oh, Vita, it's Alan Cumming over here, and I... I require you. Oh my god. I need a big act for me night. You are having a New Year's Eve, whatever, Robbie Byrne's show. Holy shit. And you are in charge of booking it.

Oh my god. Find me an agent who has someone. Also, I called you Bita, but you're not Bita. You're a comedy club. You're the comedy club coming. You're my club manager. Well, I can see why this is difficult. This is why it never works out for me.

Because you're always calling me, going, wait, wait. Who am I getting this in there? I've never seen you so animated, Dave. I'm sort of the Yakko Warner of my friend group. This is, who is that? From the Animaniacs. Oh, nice, yeah. What a reference.

I thought it was like Russian. Yeah, he does like Canada, America, Mexico, Bolivia. These are the countries of the world. Wow. You have a future in comedy, I think. Have you done a weekend at a club? No. Would you?

Yeah. Yeah? It's like the two show nights are a bit of a drag. But I only have seven minutes. That's not true. You have more than seven minutes. No, I definitely would. I would do anything, honestly, almost.

The... Have you been on a roast? Do you do roasts? I've done, oh my gosh, I've done two roasts. Have you been on a roast? You've done a roast? I've done, oh my gosh, I've done two roasts. And? I could see you being good at roasts. I won both, but afterwards I was spiraling for days. Because of what you said about someone or what someone said about you? Because of what I said. I was very mean.

Yeah? Yeah. So do you like have to, cause some people get together with their opponent and like figure out some back and forth or did you just- By the way, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid.

I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. I'm like have to, cause some people get together with their opponent and like figure out some back and forth.

Or did you just by the way, I'm ugly and I'm stupid. So make fun of those things. No, I didn't know either of them. The first time I met both of them was at the roast. Oh, okay. One of them, my friend told me that. You went to a private school called Cranbrook? Yeah. Is that M&M? called Cranbrook? Yeah.

Is that M&M? That's M&M. Yeah. One of them took it so easy on me and my friend told me that she is like really good at, like that she's really tough. Yeah. So I wrote the meanest jokes I can think of.

But about them or just in general? Do we know this person? I don't think so. Okay. But then she was like really nice. Her roasts were not mean and mine were so mean. What's a not mean roast? What did she say that was like?

The meanest thing she said about me was that I have bags under my eyes. And that is pretty tame. But yeah, I think of- What was your meanest one? I can't say it on mic. It would ruin my reputation. Okay.

Okay. But- No, no, I was, well, I don't- What did you attack? I love the idea of- Her appearance. Uh-huh. Her whole existence.

Her whole existence. Her ethnicity. It was very mean. I don't know if I could do another. I love the idea that she went really easy on me. All her roasts were like, how I'm like, just such a hard worker and I'm a perfectionist. All the job interview weaknesses.

Yeah, and then the other one, I just kept calling him not funny. And even though I'd never seen him do standup before. But do you know anything about these people going in or you've just written jokes that are general attacks? For one of the, for the first one, it was general attacks, like talked about his mom. Right.

And what about his mom? Is she, is she alive? Is she with us? Is she like? I made sure to ask. Did she, was she so stupid that she stared at a can of orange juice because it said consulate, right? Yeah, I said that.

It was like, the show is called Your Hood's a Joke, so it was mostly making fun of Toronto, and then I folded his mom in with that. Oh, sure. Were people all representing different neighborhoods? Yeah, yeah, I was Vancouver. You're the Vancouver neighborhood of Toronto? And you won this roast as well.

I did. Remember when you lived in Degrassi? Yeah. That was fun. Yeah, where are you living in Toronto these days? What section of the city? In Parkdale. Oh, Parkdale. Do you know it? Yes, it was a rough neighborhood and now it's an up-and-comer.

It's quite gentrified, but also still rough. I remember years ago going there and having a friend who, that's the only place you could afford, and it was rough. Yeah. I've been there since and it's really really nice, really quiet, but it was- Yeah, my street is not quiet. No? Shit. In what sense?

Is it like- People screaming at all hours. Keeps the rant down, right? Surprisingly, no. This is some of the best midnight screamers. Yeah. What do you get for winning a roast? Do you get catch prize or do you get-

She didn't get a roast. She got like a meat draw roast. Yeah. I got nothing. Literally just days of anxiety. Yeah. That was my prize. Did you apologize to the person and be like,

I gotta make this right? For both of them after I was like, I'm so sorry, I really didn't mean any of that. I'm like, it's fine, whatever. Are you worried, my whole worry with roasts is that somebody will be so accurate with the roasts that it might just completely unravel my brain. Yes, me too.

Yeah. I'm very weak. What would they say that would do it? I'll cry if you make me do this. Okay, I can live with that. I'm like that you smell bad. The wig's going back on again. The bald cap is back on.

It's got ridges. We should get this by the way. Abby got it at Spirit Halloween, I think. Yeah, it has forehead wrinkles. Yeah, it does have forehead wrinkles. It needs a bit of Botox. But it also has like, it's not perfectly flat on the top either.

It kind of has that sort of ridge that a cowboy hat has in the middle. Yeah, that's right. But only because you have such a small head. Well, that's because I have a wrinkly, wrinkly skull. Yeah. And anytime you get uncomfortable, just say, and we'll know. That'll be our secret word.

But you're good. It's, what is that? That was a thing. For the listeners, it's a wooden. No, it was to attach that to the wall, but I didn't hand it up. Yeah, right. That's what you would say.

Jesus, I can see why she's so good at Rose. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. It was a sex thing, isn't it? No, it was to attach that to the wall, but I didn't end up needing it. Yeah, right, that's what you would say. Jesus, I can see why she's so good at roasts. Yeah, I didn't come back from that. God, I'm sweating, brother. I'm so hot.

Is it because of the coffee? No, it's because of this room is just like, I'll just put the air conditioning on. I don't know why I'm soft. Why aren't you guys hot? I am, but I'm always hot. I run hot. I'm a hot guy.

And you like it? I'm fine. No, but I can't run the air conditioning 365 days a year. Will you hear it on mic? No. Not that that matters. To you. Why do you guys only do in-person ones now, by the way?

It's more fun. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's more fun. I prefer when I'm not in the room. Yeah. Yeah, when you're in your own space. I also find that when we have a guest on in-person who has been on-

It's weird. Who has been on in Zoom, I don't remember meeting them on Zoom. Those episodes are just kind of like. Do you not remember me? Well, I've met you in person. Likely, sorry. So you, when did you leave Vancouver?

Is it like- Oh my gosh. How many times did you leave Vancouver? Many times. Yeah. Yeah, because you came back and then went back and then came back. No, like three times. And is Toronto feeling like home now or?

I mean, it's okay. Where would you rather live? I don't know. I think I might just not be happy anywhere. Is that okay with you guys? It's okay with us, yeah. Well, why don't you go back to elementary school because you were always laughing in the hall.

I thought you were gonna say Iran. Yeah, I was saying that. I was like, Dave, don't play go back to elementary school? Because you were always laughing in the hall. I thought you were going to say Iran. Yeah, I was saying that. I was like, Dave, don't play into immigration things. Well, why don't you go back to where you came from? No, I just know that you were always laughing in that hallway in elementary school. High school, high school, high school. Keep up.

Sorry. I get hot and then I get insane. Okay. Do you feel the cold air yet? A little. It'll be fine. Did you guys, um, underway, what? What's up?

Did we guys what? No, no, don't let, don't make her. Yeah. What were you going to say? Uh, I don't know. I got cut off by what you were going to say. Sorry, I've lost off by what you were gonna say. Sorry, I've lost my mind officially. Yeah?

How long have we been taping? We've been typing a while. 39 minutes. How long do you, you know some podcasts go two hours? Yeah, Joe Rogan's goes like for four hours every day. That is fucking crazy. He's the reddest person I've ever seen in my life. Like just color, color and tone one?

Yeah. Why does he look like that? He even records in a very hot room. Yeah. I think he runs hot as well, little Joe Rugg. Little Joe Rugg. Little Joe Rugg, oh yes. Oh, the heavens.

Well, the air. The air, that's good. Yeah, it's nice. And it's silent. Yeah. No, not, here it is, not where the air conditioner air. Yeah. That's good. Yeah, it's nice. And it's silent. Yeah. No, not, here it is, not where the air conditioner is. Okay. But yeah, is there any place that you like,

maybe I will, there's a possibility of being happy there, or is it just you've written it off completely? Well, is anywhere good? I don't know, I think Scotland seems pretty good. Scotland actually rocks. Yeah. Glasgow? Glasgow?

Glasgow? You guys been? I've been to Glasgow, sure. Yeah. It's cool as hell. Edinburgh? Edinburgh is awesome. Edinburgh is awesome.

Maybe you'd be happy in Edinburgh. My friend who lives in this... I don't think so. I have a friend who lives over in this lock, in Loch Ness. I don't want to dog my friend though. Oh, tell us more. She's sort of a- Oh, it's a she?

Yeah, it's sort of a- That's crazy. Ooh. Don't tell my wife. Oh. I've been having an affair with the Loch Ness Monster. Okay. I call her Nessie.

How does that work? Is it mostly at your place, mostly at her place? How does that work? I thought you meant like physically. Oh yeah, physically. I was trying to imagine that. Well, I'm sort of a sub. Okay, yeah. And she's a dom. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. You in Toronto, roommates? No. No? Live alone. Yeah.

Nice, how do you like it? It's good because I had previously, like roommates who were like always having sex. And I thought to myself, I can never do this again. Like this is it for me. I had two roommates. Yeah. Now do you? I feel like I shouldn't talk about that.

In the past, you have told me about roommates and then said, cut that out. Never mind, never mind. Do you think you're a good roommate? Probably not. Yeah, what's... No, I think I. Nevermind, nevermind. Do you think you're a good roommate? Probably not. Yeah, what's- No, I think I am. Well, who knows. Did you do the dishes all the time?

I did my own dishes. Okay, kind of kept to yourself because you leave your dishes pristine and like, hmm, under a spotlight? No, I don't care. Yeah, did you, you know, did they hang a sock on their door whenever they were getting down and you just respected it? You never knocked on the door?

I think you could probably tell that they were, they didn't need a sock. Oh yeah, loud, right? I've lived with roommates that were having loud sex. Yeah. It just became kind of the backdrop of the living situation. Oh God.

That's why I'm silent. Oh yeah, yeah. That's why I'm silent. Oh, yeah, yeah. But deadly. All right, well, I'm sorry I brought this up. Mm-hmm. What's this? Why do you have all this crazy shit everywhere? Yeah, this is sort of like a TGA Fridays.

That is a thing. For your foot. For my foot, yeah. It's like a roller thing Fridays. That is a thing for my foot. A roller thing that has like little bumps on it and then you put it under your foot and roll it back and forth. Oh my God, you sick motherfucker. But I don't. You wear this bald cap and then you put this on your foot and then you come quietly.

That one, it came in a pack with, A what? It came in a pack with like three or four different foot things. I don't really use that one. No, no, yes you do. It's right here. It's the one you use most often. Well, it would be on the ground.

Oh yeah, you're right. Come in quiet. All right. Uh, sorry. Is that you coming quiet? Yeah. Oh my God going quiet? Yeah. Oh my God, I hated that. You started that.

I know, and then I brought it up again. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, it's so hot. It's so hot in here. Is it- Do you do this on purpose? What?

Make it really hot? Yeah. So people lose their goddamn minds. That's what every guest usually loses their mind and giggles for now. Okay. Who's up next? Like we've been on.

We've got Donnie Wahlberg, he's coming up, and then we've got Emeril, he's gonna do something. Emeril. Oh my gosh, these are like really like old guests. Yeah, yeah, well we're a show for adults. Bam. Yeah, this is a. Bam.

That was his thing, right? Yeah. Bam. He would sell T-shirts, I'm sure. Do you guys know this guy? Yeah, the salt guy, the salt bae. Yeah. It's pretty cool.

Who's your favorite chef, go. Oh, you know who I love? Who? Can't remember that. I can your favorite chef? Go. Oh, you know who I love? Who? Can't remember that name. I can't remember his name. No, I shouldn't say. I can't remember his name. What does he look like?

He's mean. Gordon Ramsay? Yeah, yeah. I thought it was gonna be so obscure. Oh, you know who I love? Why do you love Gordon Ramsay? I just love that he yells. Yeah.

Do you ever watch him with the children on the junior chef? No, no, not interested at all. He's a pussy cat. Because he's nice to them. Ugh. My favorite show of his was him going to people's restaurants and getting really angry at them because they didn't clean out the bacon trap or whatever.

He yells because he cares. Yeah. And then he hated any restaurant that had more than one cuisine. That was his like big B in his bottom. Well, well that's unacceptable. Well then how do you explain the success of Earl's? Wait, what's unacceptable to you?

Do you think a restaurant should have multiple cuisines or you think it should just be one? No, no, just one. Just one? You love tar. I love tar. What the hell is that about? Listen, he has a tar.

She's putting you in the hot seat, Dave. He has a tar water bottle and a tar phone case. Yeah, I like tar. He's also wearing a shirt under his shirt that has tar on it. And let's not forget about that muconium I'm producing. Oh, wow. I saw an ad for, they've been pumping this ad

for this new cable channel called Flavor. Flavor, yeah. Which is like just another food network, but it's like. But do you think they're going up against the food network? Is that the idea? Then why would anyone start a cable channel in 2024? Yeah. Like no one has cable.

Right. Well, I think the older folk have the cable and they probably love watching Gordon Ramsay. Yeah, yeah. And food shows in general. I mean, I love, if I'm in a hotel somewhere, Food Network, number one. Number two, DLC. Number three, probably just like an ESPN

or something like that. Yeah, for me, it's whatever has a Law and Order marathon. Oh, do you know Pluto? Yeah, the channel? Yeah. Is it a channel or is it an app? Oh, it's an app. They probably have Law and Order all day.

Yeah, because it's all like, it's a bunch of channels and it'll just be like the Love Boat channel. Nice. Do you ever, when you were growing up, Law and Order? I fucking love Law and Order. Who, what? SBU. Favorite character? Miranda Benson.

Olivia Benson. Let me think. Gordon Ramsay. Christopher Maloney. I love him. Yeah. Stabler. Finn Tuchuola.

Yeah. I love the guy, actually wait, wait. I love, what's his name? What's that guy's name who's kind of funny? Oh, Richard Belzer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Munch. Munch. He would say the craziest one-liners

when people are dead. Like he would be like, I remember somebody died in a parking lot and then he'd be like, he was like, talk about all day parking. And that guy's widow hears it. What the fuck? It's not even that funny.

You're making fun of my husband. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I loved Lenny Briscoe. That was the, that was the era of law and order I liked. Of the ridge. The original. Lenny Briscoe, that was the era of law and order I liked. Of the ridge. Huh? The original. Well, there was a guy before he joined the cast.

There was? Yeah, yeah. I thought he was the original. He came, I mean, the show might as well not have been on before him. He brought the heart to the show. Eddie Briscoe, I'm looking for that. Lenny Briscoe.

He's Jerry Orbach? Yeah, the dad from Dirty Dancing. Lumiere. Lumiere, yeah. He's not on Google. Yeah, okay, yeah. I'll call him. He's not on Google.

Yeah. Don't you guys usually like say what's up with you guys? Yeah, eventually. Okay. Yeah, what's up with you, Dave? Well, I'm just looking up what is taking a Quaalude like was one of the questions people ask. I would worry that I'd soil myself,

that it would relax me too much. You would, but everyone else would too. Oh, that's okay, man. I mean. Wait, what if you're the only one taking it? Oh, then you're fucked. Some people take the drugs and go out in the real world. Yeah.

That's nuts. Amongst people who don't soil themselves. That is nuts. Yeah. I don't think Quaalude is like a party drug. It's not something you- Well, according to this, Quaaludes produce a feeling of relaxation and euphoria

similar to the effects of alcohol. Oh, okay. I mean, I like alcohol. I've given that a whirl. There are still labs making Quaaludes in Mexico and elsewhere in the world. Okay, I know where I'm going. Let's go to Mexico.

But there are all those Quaaludes are made by labs. Yeah, if we go to Mexico, are we gonna go to a resort? Are we gonna do an Airbnb? What are we doing? I think it's really probably a good time to get into the Mexican drug trade. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, Trump's gonna slap some tariffs

on those drugs and then, but Canada that will open up our border to Mexican drugs. Okay, okay. We need their drugs, they need our oil. All right. Oh, but we also, I need their burritos. Oh my god. Yum. Yeah.

Hey, what's going on with you? Shut up. You shut up. He he, leave me alone on with you? Shut up. You shut up. He he, leave me alone. He he he. Aw. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Here's what's going on with me. It's 2025. It's always been 2025. I was, here's a couple things. Well, this'll be, maybe I just need to get rid of like a bunch of topics from 2024. Okay.

This is a dump. Okay, okay. A topic dump. I was watching the Jim Henson documentary. Who's that? You, come on. Is he that car dealership guy? Yeah, Jim Henson's car.

Yeah. Who is he? Cal Worthington. Tell me now. You know who he is. I'm sorry. He's the I wasn't born here. Wait, are you an immigrant? Yeah. How come you're not in your top three list? Yeah. Oh my God. That's such a good question. I think that's, yeah, I think you need to start

putting yourself in the list of top immigrants. I'm not allowed to make such a list. Yeah. Okay, Jim Henson. Yeah, Jim Henson. So he is the voice, he's the creator of the Muppets, also the voice of Kermit the Frog. His own voice sounds very much like Kermit theenson. Yeah, Jim Henson. So he is the voice, he's the creator of the Moppedale, also the voice of Kermit the Frog. His own voice sounds very much like Kermit the Frog.

Yeah. And it said he was born in rural Tennessee. Oh. And I thought it would be very funny if everyone from Tennessee had a Kermit voice. That would be like a beautiful tribute. Like that's their accent. Yeah, like that's a regional accent,

it's just like nice dorky sounding voice. Like that. Maybe that's something we could use. You can do that in your stand up. I'll try it out. Yeah. I'm not good at accent. You were about to do a Kermit voice, Andy, then you held back, but I really want to hear

what your Kermit voice is. Okay. Can I hear it first? Yeah. Hello. Kermit the Frog. Kermit the? Yeah. Um, hello. Kermit the frog. Kermit the frog here. Oh, gosh.

Did my mic turn on? It sounds like it did. Ahem. Kermit the frog here. That's really good. Kermit the frog. Was that good? That was really good, Nita.

That was really good. I. That was really good. Kermit, Kermit. I think it was also Ernie. He was Ernie as well, wasn't he? He was Ernie, he was Rolf. He was a bunch of other, he was like a blue puppet. I can't remember. In the early days, he had like a bald, weird looking puppet.

Okay, so that's one of the things I think is funny. Do people in Tennessee all sound like Kermit? Well, have you ever met anyone from Tennessee? Maybe they do sound like that. I mean, I guess I haven't. I've been to Tennessee and it was great. Yeah, it's hot as hell though. I don't understand how people do that.

No, you like a nice cool, you want to be in like, what's a nice cool place in the States? Alaska. Alaska. Yeah. Mystery Alaska. Yeah. North Dakota.

All right. Next thing, this is also related to accents. Okay. You know the song, I was watching, so I was watching a different Tom Petty documentary. I watched a four-hour Tom Petty documentary a few years ago, and then I found this other one that was just on his album, Wild Flowers, when he had gone through a divorce. I was Googling stuff about him and his wife and when they met.

Their favorite position. When they got divorced and then what have you Cause like, yeah, anyway. But apparently he was, Tom Petty was friends with Stevie Nicks, who had the song Edge of 17. Did they also write? Stop dragging my heart around. They had that together, yeah. But she, the song Edge of 17, she got the name of it because she met Tom Petty's wife

who said that they met at the age of 17, but her accent sounded like edge of 17. Like my whole, like the last few weeks, I've been trying to like figure out how you can make age an edge. The edge of 17. I just flew into a ridge. Yeah, the age, edge of 17.

Oh, just seeing Tom up there on the stitch. Uh-huh. Where was she from again? Florida. Oh, okay, okay. And also kind of glosses over that they got together. Was he 17 as well? Oh, I think they were like-

They were high school sweethearts. Yeah, I don't know exactly, but he wasn't, you know, 50. Yeah, he was in that Anthony Kiedis situation. No, yeah, and they were together for like 30 years or something. Edgy 17 is much more poetic than age of 17. Yeah, that's what makes it a good song. Yeah. Just like the wire, where it goes.

That's my Kermit. Just like the, let's do it. This is what grounds me in my Kermit. Just like the right thing. I sound like Miss Piggy when I do it. You do. Miss Piggy is kind of the Stevie Nicks of the Muppets. Yeah. That is so true.

And it was a man that played. Oh, don't tell the conservatives that. Pretty soon you'll have men playing girl puppets. Okay, here's one. Here's another idea. Here it comes. This is more of a Tumblr idea. Any of you wanna start a Tumblr?

Okay. Do you know how like people would just do a Tumblr or I guess you could do an Instagram. That's just one thing you keep seeing. Like people will, will like, it'll just be like sad libraries, like little neighborhood libraries. You did one for a long time that was called Kid Cast. Yeah, it was just the kid versions of-

Oh, that's a good idea. Like when they cast the kid version of a character in a movie. But one was my idea, walking around town, I see so many people charging their electric vehicles on the street. With like house or cables, like just regular... Well, how they have their like extension cord

going over the sidewalk, and everyone uses a different method of covering it up. So it would be just like a- That's cool. But I don't wanna be the one to have to do it. Right. You'd have to be in weird places. You see some people with just like a weird

wet carpet covering it up. Some people use like a shower mat. Okay. Right. And like, has anybody got like the official the plastic one that some people have the one that like you would see on a movie set where they're running cables but they're the thing is too wide for the sidewalk and it's like flopping over the edge and these are most like these are mostly just like regular plugs like yeah yeah they're not the official. They're not the thing that goes into the wall.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. That looks like a futuristic gas pump. Yeah. My cousin has one and he has the thing in the garage. They're like official. I want to say pump, but it's not a pump. It's a electricity pump. Yeah. It's electricity pump.

Have you ever driven a electric car? Because I feel like here in Vancouver, every Uber is a Tesla. Is that the same as Toronto? I think so, yeah. How do you feel about it? You like the quietness of it? I don't think I have any feelings.

Okay. Oh, you don't have any feelings at all? Oh man, I'm going to use that in the next Roast Battle. I don't know what's at all? Oh man, I'm going to use that in the next roast battle. That one will get you in. Oh no. No, I don't think, I think that those, those cyber trucks kind of look cool. Yeah, and the people look cool in them. And the coolest people buy them.

That's true, yeah. Just joking. Who's like a, is there a celebrity that kind of had the first Cybertruck off the line or is it just? I don't know that people are, I don't know what any celebrity drives. Yeah. I think Leo. You know what Justin Bieber drove for a while. Oh yeah, well he did have that Fisker Karma.

What did he have? He had a Fisker Karma. What's that? It's a, it was a like a. Fisker Karma, I barely know her. What the heck? It's my favorite thing that Justin Bieber did. He was like 18 at the time

and he was just being hounded by paparazzis and they were paparazzi and they were chasing him on the highway and it was dangerous and he was worried and he called 911 and he's's like there's cars surrounding me. I don't feel safe I'm on the highway Can you send police or something and the 911 officer or 911 operator was like alright? Well, where are you? What and what kind of car are you in and he was like, I'm in a Fisker Karma

And she was like a what yeah And is that like it's'm in a Fisker Karma. And she was like, a what? A Fisker Karma. And is that like, it's like a boutique? I think it doesn't exist anymore. Cause like I've seen- Wow, just like Quaaludes. Yeah. Related? Related?

Yeah, it was a fancy expensive car. Cause I'll see some cars in Vancouver that have a logo that I've never seen before. There are a few like electric brands. There's one that's a V. Yeah, and there's one that's like two, it looks like a square almost. With the two bits on it. That's kind of cool.

That might be the, I forget. That might be the Polestar. And then there's some Lucids. I've seen some Lucids around. Quay Lucids, am I right? Woo! And he mentioned Quay Lucids, beat us on top of it.

So that's my third topic. That's good. My fourth topic is this, I went to the dentist a couple of weeks ago. Okay. And the guy next to me was getting his teeth done. Done, like? Brand new teeth?

No, he was just for a checkup, I think. Okay, okay. Is your dentist good? Yeah. Yeah, nice. Do you wanna- You're looking for a new one? Yeah, because I went to, there was a dentist I went to

and she was amazing, but then she's moved out of town. So I just keep going to the same dental office. Christ out. Christ out. Yeah, and like, it's been diminishing returns. I go to the one in the mall. Oh, nice used to not floss. And then the day I went to the dentist, I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist.

And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist.

And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. And I'd be like, I'm gonna go to the dentist. Like they talk to you and I floss every day. So I'm like, I don't need to, I used to not floss. And then the day I went to the dentist, I'd be like, I gotta quickly floss. And I show up and my gums are all puffy. You a flosser?

I am, yeah. Okay, some people don't. I'm scared of dementia. Oh, is that come, what? It's related. It comes through your gums. If you have inflamed gums, your brain gets inflamed. Shit.

Fuck. God damn it. So the, like, and they ask you, like, do you floss? And you, you know, I used to lie, yeah. Not as much as I should, but yeah, obviously this morning. But I- You floss in the morning or at night? I used to floss at, in the morning,

and I told the dentist this, or the hygienist, and she was like, oh, you should floss at night, because it's just, your food's sitting there overnight on your teeth. Right. And I was like, okay, because I like to, when I leave the house in the morning, I wanna have my teeth totally clean,

so I brush, floss, Listerine. Yeah. But now I do night and morning. Morning and night floss. Is that too much? Are your gums receding? Let's see. My gums are receding.

I think that might be too much. But she says it's. She says it's okay. She says it's not because of that. Oh. Who do you wanna listen to here? Oh, you know what? Maybe I should listen to Bita.

But the guy next to me, the hygienist asked him, and you brush regularly. And he was like, yeah, I brush at night. Today I brushed in the morning though. Some people don't brush their teeth. It's crazy. Ever? Yeah.

I mean, but like why, if you're not brushing your teeth, you're not going to the dentist either. Right, you like have depression. You like, yeah, or like, they've thrown that part of your life away. My parents were in Vietnam, and there's some monks in Vietnam that only live off of things that they're given by other people.

And some of the water in Vietnam, not drinkable, but sometimes people give them energy drinks. So all of their teeth are completely rotten. Because no one gives them toothbrushes. Yeah, nobody gives them just water. Oh my goodness. Yeah, so, you know, if that guy's doing better than that. Yeah, but just like, I don't admit to the hijacks.

Right. Yes, I brush my teeth regularly, obviously. Right. Yeah. That was awesome. Well, we gotta wrap this up. Do you know the view? Hot topics?

Hot topics of the year? That was like Dave's hot topic. I mean, Graeme and I do bonus episodes and once a month we do our hot topic. You do? What do you talk about? We talk about- The hottest topic. pencil culture.

Kim Zolciak and- Chloe Berman. How do you guys, wait, how do you guys know about that? Well, Graeme does a segment on the bonus episodes on the hot topics where he picks a headline that he could not figure out. And I don't know who the people are. I don't know who the people are or what they're talking about.

And you just riff. And then we riff. We riff. Yeah, and we throw it out there and then it's just, yes and, and you know, don't corpse, don't block. Oh, yay. Don't pimp. Oh, you're right, yes, yes.

Who's your celebrity that you're keeping tabs on? Right now, I guess maybe this woman named Karen Huger. And what does she do? Just cause she's the last person I've Googled to find out what she's up to. She's a housewife. She just- What city?

Potomac. Okay, Potomac. Yeah. Okay. She just had a DUI. Oh shit. And they released the police. The body. The cam.

Oh, not the dead body. And is she wasted in it? She is so drunk. She is so drunk. And the crazy thing is that, sorry, I've never been more alive. That was a great topic, Dave. Graham, is it your turn to talk yet? Okay, I'll just say this one thing. No, please, you're here.

The crazy thing is that if she just didn't like take it to court, the footage would never have been released. But she was like, the truth will come out. There's been a misunderstanding and the truth will come out. I do love that when people are like, well. She's so delusional. So narcissistic. Yeah.

And because she went to trial, the footage has come out. And she's drunk as hell. Do they, breathalyzer, is she walking a line? Is she doing an alphabet backwards? She's slurring her word. Can you do the alphabet backwards? Only when I'm drunk. Z-X-F-A.

Z-X-F-A. Well, you're not drunk. Get back in your car and speed away. I think I'm like pretty... I think you're pretty too. Thank you. Thank you. This is the opposite of a roast. That would be nice. There's a past guest, Angie St. Mars ran one that was called the Weenie Roast.

I love Angie. And it was just compliments. Just like, you're so good looking, blah, blah, blah. That's sweet. Yeah, ask her to do one in Toronto. She lives in Toronto now. I know, yeah. She should set up a Weenie Roast.

She'd love it. But being nice, is that like, I in Toronto. She lives in Toronto now. I know, yeah. She's set up a weenie roast, she'd love it. But being nice, is that like? I'm not the guy to ask. Okay. Direct eye contact with Dave. Okay, yeah, yeah.

Were you gonna ask Karen Huger? That's all I had to say about her. But yeah. Did you keep up on her? I think this is good for her. Just because the footage just came out today and I was looking it up before I got here. But you were looking her up just in general

or that you heard she got here? I heard the videos were released and I wanted to see because I'm despicable. Yeah. But she loves the attention. She probably does, yeah. Yeah. Do you know how you found that footage?

The DUI decibel system. Nice. Okay, call back. Graham, what's up with you? This past weekend, I went to the city of my birth, Calgary, Alberta. Oh. You go, oh, weakly.

I like to see my family, I like my family. And Flair, you can get there for pretty cheap. Yes. And this was, was this your Christmas visit? This was my Christmas visit and it just happened to coincide with a friend of the family's 70th birthday. So I got to go to this very fancy bash.

I had to bring clothes just for that. Ooh. And it was, it was so much fun, free drinks, all night long. The next day, my whole family hungover. We'd made plans and then all kind of like texted each other, like, ah, maybe tomorrow instead. What were the plans? You guys wanna go see Queer?

Oh. I'm not feeling it. I'm too hungover. Yeah, it was great and Appies, Appies all night. We love Appies. Well, I don't because I'm allergic to everything. So they, the woman who put it on was the daughter of the person whose birthday was.

She talked to the staff and they're like, don't worry, we'll get something that he can eat. At one point the server came up to me and was like, oh, we've got something for you. And I wasn't hungry. I literally ate there before I went because I was afraid there was gonna be nothing for me to eat. And you're like a monk that you can only eat things that people give you.

You should see my real teeth. Ah! But at one point the server came up to me and was like, oh, the chef has made something for you to eat. But it was full, so I said, no, I'm fine, thank you very much. And he got so dejected, so fast, that I was like, no, no, no, yeah, bring it, bring it for me, bring it for me.

And he was so happy, he was so jazzed about it. And it was gluten-free pasta, and it was delicious, but I was literally eating gluten-free pasta on top of a frozen pizza. So it just like slowed me down so much. What the hell? I had to do it, I had to do it. No, I would do the same.

Right? Yeah, yeah. But it's like a weird meal choice. It is, and it was heavy, but it was good. And everyone else was having appies and he was like, he was a giant bowl of pasta. That's what. Aw.

So yeah, I like sat down and like ate this bowl of pasta. That's what... So yeah, I sat down and ate this thing of pasta. Do you want to put a handkerchief in your neck hole? What am I trying to say? In your collar. Yeah. Neck hole. I guess I meant a napkin in your collar. But yeah, so I ate this giant thing of pasta

and it was really good. And the shape was it? Rigatoni, rigatoni. Describe that for me. Kind of a tube, stripy tube. Oh, stripy tube, ridged. Ridged, ridged. Ridged.

Yeah, and then they had like a DJ with an amazing full DJ setup with like the most modern kind of things like they're not actually records, they're just kind of plates that you're gonna spin or whatever. And he was like obviously at the beginning that he was really into it.

He was mixing and a little bit of this, a little bit of that. And then as the night wore on, it was almost exclusively older white people. And he was playing music that, as the music faded from being in the background to the foreground, where people wanted to dance, the music became very,

you could tell he was not interested because he was texting the whole time. It's hard to be interested for a long time. Yeah, that's true. Is there a regional- You're less interested in this. Is there a regional sort of like playlists in Canada? Like if you're at a party in the Maritimes,

are they playing a lot of The Rankin Family? Yeah, a lot of fiddle based stuff. And here, I feel like Spirit of the West, that one Spirit of the West song is very popular out here. Which one is that? Home for Arrest. Home for Arrest, yeah. Which could be a maritime song. I've never heard of it.

It's a drink, it's literally a drinking song about drinking. Oh. Yeah. It's a big fiddle song. Oh, and it's BC related. Well, they're from BC. They're from BC. Oh, okay. Is there a lot of country? Was there a lot of country on this playlist? Oh, and it's BC related. Well, they're from BC. They're from BC. Oh, okay.

Is there a lot of country? Was there a lot of country on this playlist? No, it was just like Golden Oldies. Oh, good. ABBA and Company. Yeah, every song that they played, I was like, yes! And the one song I requested, which I always request anytime

that there's one of these. Bad Dance? Very close, Ghostbusters. Oh! Yeah, it's fun to dance to. anytime that there's one you see. Bad dance. Very close. Ghostbusters. Oh. Oh. Yeah. It's fun. It's fun to dance to. Everybody knows the song.

I know that one word that they keep shouting out. Which one? Ghostbusters. Now do it like Herman. Ghostbusters. I really can't. You're doing it. But I'm not, but like, thank you.

But I, what did I say at the beginning? Like what was the first one that made you think that I, Kermit the frog, that's it. That's all I can say. Now do Yoda. Now Miss Piggy. Buster's ghost. Oh, that's good.

Good busting makes me feel. Good busting makes me feel. Good busting makes you feel. Well, Yoda talks all backwards. You know Yoda? No, no, I'm familiar. Yeah. And in Ghostbusters, he says busting makes me feel good. Oh, busting, oh, that's what he said.

Yeah, that's what he said. Ah ha ha. No, it's true. Busting makes him feel good. Yeah, that's, yeah, that's round the layer. Ah ha ha! That's who I keep tabs on. He's my celebrity, Ray Parker Jr.

Yeah? That's awesome. Does busting still make him feel good? Ah, dust busting. Ah ha ha! B is all over this. Yeah. Ever since she got hired at Club Coming.

Oh yes, this is good. Yeah, it was a fun soiree. I haven't been to anything like that for a long time. Christmas parties are so fun. Yeah. But it was a birthday. It was a birthday, but it was like Christmas as well. Yeah. It had like a nativity scene.

Yep, live nativity scene. Really? Over by the DJ booth. Live nude nativity scene. Mm-hmm. Yeah, and at one point, Joseph laid down and we put sushi all over his body. Oh.

The three kings brought in some sushi. Pretty good. What did the three kings bring? Myrrh. Myrrh. Rank and cents three kings bring? Mur. Frankincense and gold. Sure. That was back in the day when like spices were equal to gold.

Yeah. And mur. You want gold to go last. You want gold to be like, here, I brought you gold. And then they're like, I brought you the spice. Yeah. I brought you something that smells kind of nice. But you know what?

Jesus, he forgives. He forgives. That's his whole thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, did you do like a gift exchange? No, I have, in my family, we do a Secret Santa. That's the best. That's perfect. But did you do that or does that have to wait for Christmas? That has to wait. I was given mine by my sister-in-law and promptly left it in my brother's car.

Oh no. It was an envelope, so I think I'll be sendable. I wonder what it was, a letter? Yeah, a letter of resignation from being my sister-in-law. Oh no, that's sad. No, it's just me that she wants out. The rest of the family she's very cool with. Stop coming here every weekend.

Would you ever move back there? Probably not. It gets really cold there. The political climate is kind of atrocious. Exactly what you believe? Yeah, exactly. Drill baby drill. That's my, you know what, Trudeau?

Swear word. Swear word Trudeau. Yeah, swear word Trudeau. Yeah. I mean, he's maybe not even there anymore. Oh yeah. By the time this comes out. Uh oh.

Yeah, he's in some hot water. He's in some hot water. You know what I think is funny, how like both the left and the right hate him, but for different reasons. Yeah. Yeah. And the only one gets the bumper sticker.

Yeah. That's true, yeah. The left is like, or the right is like, oh wait, wait, no. The left is like hates him because he's a neoliberal. Yeah. And then the right hate him because he talks like a girl. This is good, this is like.

This is good, this goes in the seven minutes. Eighth minute, new minute just dropped. But it is funny, he, everybody across the country agrees on one thing, he should resign. Yeah. He's the seemingly the only guy who's like, nope, I can do it, I can do it one more time. Well come on, I would stick, I would keep the job too.

Honestly, like I need the money. I need the money. I just, I think stick, I would keep the job too. Honestly, like I need the money. I need the money. I just, I think like once you retire, you get to do speeches and you get to consult. Yeah, he can do, God, this is so political, he can do shampoo commercials. Oh, he does have beautiful hair. He does. Yeah.

Yeah, he could work as like a J.Crew model. He could be a model. Yeah, or he could do whatever Armie Hammer's doing, he's like setting up- Eating a guy. Setting up, you know- Real estate. Yeah, in the Cayman Islands or something.

That's insane. One of my hot topics. Oh, Dave's topics. Anyway, Bita's flagging, so should we move on over? Yeah, let's move on over. What am I doing, flagging? Say that again on camera. Well that noise means it's not time for overheard.

It's time for business. I said like Jumbotron and then I said business. I don't want people to think I was going to say business. Now this is a first. This is the first time we've received the Jumbotron message mid-recording. Yes, that's right. This one is for Dad from Josh, and he wants to say... This is a likely late Christmas gift to my dad.

Instead of buying more useless knickknacks. Dave and Graham, you guys are hilarious, and this is the one and only podcast we listen to together. Keep doing what you guys do so we can listen along during road trips or struggling through home renovations. No frickin' way. Dave Yeah, happy birthday. You know, God bless us everyone, as I always say every year.

And Merry Christmas and many happy returns. And- Yeah, many happy returns. Well, your Christmas present. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your Christmas present. Okay. All right.

If anyone would like a Jumbotron message like that one, head over to maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. Now back to the show. Have you been looking for a new podcast all about nerdy pop culture? Well, I have just the thing for you. Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries! Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries is a weekly pop culture history podcast hosted by me,

host Alston. And me, host Brenda. We've already tackled mysteries such as what happened to the puppets from Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, is Snoopy Mexican, And why do people hate Barney so much? From theme parks to cartoons to 80s, 90s, and 2000s nostalgia, we tackle it all. Check us out every Tuesday on MaximumFun.org and wherever you get podcasts. One thing we all have in common, we all have a mind. It makes me so scared because I'm like, when is the bad thing going to happen?

And minds can be kind of unpredictable and eccentric. Everybody wants to hear that they're not alone. Everybody wants to hear that someone else has those same thoughts. Depresh Mode with John Moe is about how interesting minds intersect with the lives and work of the people who have them. Comedians, authors, experts, all sorts of folks trying to make sense of their world. It's not admitting something bad if you say, this is scary. Depression Mode with John Moe. Every Monday at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Overheard! Alright, ready?

Overheard! The segment of the show that Bita has just been champing at the bit to get this part of the show up and running. Okay. We always like to start with the guest, Bita. Okay. Give us your overheard. Remember how I don't do overheards anymore. I don't remember that about you. I just read tweets that I like

Oh sure. Are you still on Twitter? Yeah. Yeah. I guess they're called Zeets now. She's one of the Beats like the champ of Twitter if you're not if you haven't Followed beta. I need listen. you haven't followed Bita on Twitter. Listen, I need people to follow me on Instagram. Bita, Bita, Bita, follow me now. I need 1,000 followers now. In order to get that one gig you have your eye on? Yeah.

Okay, come on everybody, how many do you have? I have 1,700 something. Let's get up to 2,700 something. And you get up to 2,700 now. I need a thousand followers right now. They take us out back. Don't. Yeah, shoot you. That's straight in the head.

Yeah, right in the back of your head. Okay, so here's a tweet. Here we go. I was white girl wasted only once during anorexia. Sorry, not funny, sorry. And I got so hungry that I ate an entire lime, rind and all from the bar. Random guy next to me asked, did you just eat a raw lime? And I said, as opposed to what, a cooked lime?

Get real. Who tweeted that? Megan Lin. Megan Lin and yeah, I guess, I mean, I've had hot lemon in water. Well, you know what I got is, you know those like, they're some kind of like magical super berry that makes it so you like put one in your mouth,

it dissolves on your tongue and then you can eat a lemon and it's like sweet. Oh, I've heard of that. Okay. I got them as like a thing to do as a family over the Christmas break. Cute. But now, the chips of cards are on the table.

We're recording this before Christmas. But yeah, I actually don't know if they're okay for kids. Oh, I don't know. I know nothing about them is why not. All right, you're like a good parent. Oh, you're one of those. What, you're like a good parent? I also like that this person was,

that they're so hungry that they ate a lime rind and all. And then to make it so the guy is the freak. Yeah. As opposed to what, cooked one? Did she start it with I was only, I've only been white girl wasted once? What does that mean? Oh, don't pretend like you've never been

white girl wasted, Dave. I've been white wine wasted. In the same neighborhood, in the same neighborhood. Yeah, it's pretty much that. White girl wasted, huh? It just means like really drunk. Okay. I'm glad our white girls have that reputation.

Dave, do you have one over here? Dude, is that it? You just have the one tweet? I have more. Okay, yeah, yeah. This is a whole segment. This is a whole segment. Beat his zits. Beat his best zits.

Okay, okay. Was standing on the sidewalk eating popcorn and a lady walked by and said, wait, I love popcorn. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I love popcorn. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I love popcorn. That's funny. I heard that, speaking of Zeets, that when Elon Musk met Mr. Beast, the only thing he

asked him was, are people still calling it Twitter? And he knows that they are. Oh yeah, of course. And then the person, the post responding to that was like, when people say money can't buy happiness, they're talking about these two people. Oh yeah. Dave, you have an awareness?

I do, but I think there's probably more zits on the way. Should I? One more zit. You gotta do comedy rule of threes. Graham wants to end it now. No, I said one more. He'll end you in this roast battle. Okay.

Bita's ZEETs are so weak. Yeah, but I kinda like them. See, that's why I wouldn't be able to do it. This one is so funny, okay. Okay, ready? This is gonna be great. Okay, ready? Yeah. Okay. Sweet dreams, you piece of shit. This is gonna be great.

Sweet dreams, you piece of shit. I try to snap the prison guard's neck, but just make him look to the left very quickly. That's really funny. That is good. That is so funny. I've been watching a lot of like action movies and thrillers, I guess action movies. And it is funny how often like, yeah, I'll just hit this guy over the head and he'll pass out for a few hours.

Yeah. Like, oh, we nailed it. We nailed the perfect way to hit someone's head that doesn't kill them. Yeah. There was a movie that I saw, a thing called Rebel Ridge. Oh, that's great. Yeah, the fight sequences are very realistic

because the guys don't just- Rebel Ridge? They don't just like get knocked out and lie there. They're like, get back up again and the guy's gonna fight them again. Rebel Ridge is? Jeremy Saunier? Is the director. Yeah.

And it's a kind of a one man army, a guy up against this corrupt small town police department. Yeah. Oh. And it's, but the fight scenes are like how a fight would actually look. And people are like, yeah, hold on. Yeah.

Ow. I'm tired. Not the face, not the face. I'm getting my picture taken with my family this weekend. All right, Dave. You're on. So I was driving in the car, driving my kids to school and that Johnny Cash. Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah. Cover of Hurt. Oh, yes. Comes on. And just the first line of the song is playing and he goes, I hurt myself today. Wow. I hurt myself today.

And then from the back seat, Poppy, my then seven year old says, well, get up and take care of it. Aw. Oh yeah. Just put some balm on there. Oh my goodness. She actually says, like, go get a bandaid or something.

She's so self-sufficient. I mean. Oldest daughter? Youngest. Youngest. Are you no siblings? Brother, older brother. Older brother, young, oh, you're the baby of the family.

So you weren't self-sufficient. God no. Oh, you're the baby of the family. So you weren't self-sufficient. God, no. Oh, do you get along with your brother? She's getting backed into a corner. She knows that she made up a brother that doesn't exist. He just goes to a different school.

He lives in America. Oh yeah? Yeah. What does he do for a living? He is. Oh God, this is a lie. He is... Zookeeper? I can't think of anything to say.

What would be funny? Zookeeper! Okay, he's a zookeeper. Oh, that's really good. That is funny. That is good. My brother lives in the States and he's a zookeeper. Oh, that's really good. That is funny. That is good. My brother lives in the States, and he's a zookeeper. There are just better zoo opportunities in the state.

Yeah. No one goes to the zoo in Canada. No. I mean, do we even have one here? No. We do. We have a very sad zoo. Just this room.

Just this room. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha. Wacky. Just shut up and go to the zoo. Wacky. Just shut up everybody, just shut up. Wacky judacky over here. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. We could be a morning zoo crew. Oh absolutely. Oh can we please? Yeah.

I have no. All right, caller are you there? Oh yeah, I've got two tickets that you guys can win from me. The caller's calling in with tickets. Yeah, I got two tickets to see guys can win from. The caller's calling him a ticket. I got two tickets to see Tate McCrane. Oh, Calgary. Calgary's own.

Calgary's own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I win? You got a nut on air. Ew. That's Mizzou crew kind of stuff. The first person to nut win. God.

Yeah, man. Radio's the best. That's Zoot Crew kind of stuff. The first person to not win. Yeah man, radios. It's weird, it's so weird these days that the callers call in and offer the host a ticket. Things have changed. Yeah. Do you have one? My overheard is from last night going through

Van Dusen Gardens and their light show. Oh wow. So Christmasy, was it pouring? No, it was nice. It was nice and I was going with the niece and nephew because that's what it's for. This is perfect uncle stuff. Yeah.

And my nephew was explaining to his little sister, there was a display of salmon, like jumping in another water kind of thing. And he says, yeah, they're sockeye salmon, because they're a salmon and their eyes shaped like socks. Wow. Honestly, I don't know why they're called sockeye salmon. I would believe that.

I kind of believed it too. Didn't bother looking it up. I was like, that's a good reason. Yeah, it's good enough. Yeah, yeah, it's good enough. Do you do any holiday stuff? Do you do any fishing? I've never been fishing.

No? I think I- Have you ever been kissed? Only by my teacher. That's from the movie. That's from the movie. I'm sorry by my teacher. That's from the movie. That's from the movie.

I'm sorry I said that. Never been kissed? Yeah, yeah. She's kissed by her teacher. She goes back to high school. High school. She's Josie Grossy. Yeah, yeah. She's 25. And she goes undercover as a high school student. And her teacher falls in love with her.

That sucks. I know. That sucks. Yeah, cause that teacher's still a creep. Yeah. Yeah. He doesn't know she's 25. Does he kiss her when he does?

He kisses her when she thinks she's 17. Oh boy. Is she just on the age of 17? And she is just on the age of 17. That's Josie Grossy. Yeah, that's why they call her that. I haven't seen it. It's really good actually.

It was sort of in the Drew Barrymore, like rom-com. Yeah. Like when she was just doing rom-coms. Yeah, she was good at it too. It was like number one. It was like one a year, she did one a year. Who's the new? Rom-com queen?

Yeah. There are really no rom-coms these days. I watched one that was Yeah, you watched it. They're trying to do that. Yeah. I don't think it took. No, it didn't take.

Because you need to have two people with like undeniable charm. Well, they did that a couple of years ago. They brought back George Clooney and Julia Roberts for one. And that literally flopped. No one cares. Yeah, why did romantic comedies go away? Because we're just like not a society anymore.

That's true, we used to be a society. Yeah, this generation doesn't have it. We don't have time for rom-coms. We have to pay thousand dollar rent. I thought you were gonna say a thousand dollar mortgages, but that would be great. And thousand dollar rent is like not that bad. No, it's pretty good.

So it's kind of like typical rent. No, we also have overheard sent in to us by people all around the world. If you want to send one in, send it in. Where was the craze, sorry. SBY, maximum fund or? Where was the craziest person who called one in from? Yeah, yeah. Craziest place or craziest person?

I think somebody's called from like Tasmania or something. Yeah, and the craziest person was probably Wacky Judacky. Should I, I wanna call in one day. There's the phone number right over there. You wanna call one in? That's 1-800-IDLE-06. I think that's Canadian Idol's phone number.

Idle-06. Okay, sorry, go on. What number? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha known. I overheard a mother and her four-year-old child with a bowl haircut in the park. The child was letting out a continuous high pitch eeeewine like a distant motorcycle in high gear. As they passed, I heard the mother failing to comfort her son by sternly telling him, you're not listening. That was not your dad. Not every man you see is your dad. Okay. Maybe. Who knows? Yeah, if the kid doesn see is your dad. Okay. Maybe. Who knows?

Yeah, if the kid doesn't know who their dad is. Now that sounds like a rom-com I wanna see. Yeah. Who's your dad? Who's your dad? Chris Lock who's in a movie called Who's Your Father? Right, yeah, sorry. Now that is a movie I wanna see.

Yeah, I hear it's good. No, I think there is a movie about someone trying to find their dad and it's called Mamma Mia. Oh, yeah Yeah, the guy is the guy the same the guy who directed maybe just Mamma Mia to also directed that George Clooney When we were making let's make a rom-com the podcast we interviewed him. Oh This next one comes from Dan in Illinois. I was in a locker room at Planet Fitness and overheard a young guy say,

if I had a hot girl, I'd never be cold. If I'm cold, they'd be like, get over here, girl. Ugh. It's... Tell me he's wrong. Tell me he's wrong. You can't. I mean, yeah, I guess so.

Okay, so he heard, okay, can you say that again? He heard somebody say that? Yes. About his girl, oh, if he had a girlfriend. If he had a girlfriend, yeah. Okay. It's all a lot of ifs. Right, right, right.

If I was a little bit taller, then what? Wait, no, that's I wish. If I was a baller. Yeah. It should have been called if. If. Yeah. Okay, have been called if. If. Yeah. Okay, that's good.

That's okay, right? Yeah, of course. I'll just get a cat. Yeah. I'll warm you up. Get a sense of self. Yeah, you don't need a hot lady to warm you up. This last one comes from Kirsten D.

Over here in Berry. I loved her in Bring It On. Me too. Oh nice, nice work. This is Barry Ontario. This is at a vet's office. Vet one says is this the cat's name baby or Amy? And vet tech two said it's both.

She's registered as baby Amy. Aww. Yeah. A little bit of both. That's really cute. You have a pet? You don't have a pet, do you? No.

Would you? No. Never? Not a pet? What if you're cold? Then I get myself a hot woman. There you go. There you go.

No, I will never get a pet. No? My life is stressful enough. I don't need a pet. Don't need somebody to rely on you for that. My friends are like, oh, I need $5,000 or my pet dies tomorrow. Yeah.

It's been kidnapped by terrorists. I don't need that in my life. Yeah, fair enough. It's true. It is a weird, like, moral sort of like conundrum you're in every few years. Yeah. Yeah, because you're a pet man,

you've had dogs most of the time. We got one too many dogs right now. Yeah. And one of them's not gonna make the cut. Oh. It's a race to the finish. Instead of which goes to college. Yeah, the other one is gonna have to go to clown college.

Go to, go to clown college if I have to do it over there. Go to the college in the sky. Go to the. Going up to the college in the sky. Clown college sounds awesome. Yeah, honestly, if it was an option to go to clown school right now, I'd go. Remember when Sean Delvin did that clown course? Yes.

With the guy who was like, did we talk about this recently? The guy who trained Borat, trained Sacha Baron-Knight. And it was a weird and Sean was very, like I think he was talking about how he just couldn't get it right. Like whatever clowning is supposed to be. That's right, yeah. I actually want to take clown classes.

Yeah? Yeah. Cause somebody told me Toronto's got like a thriving clown scene. I think it does. I'm not part of it, but I'd like to take classes. I feel like it would help me be funnier physically. Yeah, you're physically hilarious. Yeah!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! That's the first laugh we've got like that today. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Okay, in addition to over-heards that that are written and we also accept your phone calls, if you want to call us our phone number is 1-800-IDLE-06. 1-844-779-7631, that's one, spy pod one, like these people have.

Hey, this is James in Hillsboro, Oregon. I am a manager of an optometry clinic and this old guy and his son came in today and then the son's like, hey, my dad needs to see your gynecologist. The dad turns to me and says, grab my vagina's fine. Oh. Sorry. And then he says, God, my vagina's fine. Oh. And then, sorry. And then, he goes, I need to see her. This is gonna be one of those ones that you hate

and you believe it and you laugh at me. Dear God. No. We don't hate it, we love these ones. This is the best one I've ever heard, frankly. Okay, well he did call back. Okay, he called back. This is James calling from Hillsborough, Oregon.

Wait, hold on. Did he hang up and give up? Yeah, yeah. And did call back. Okay, he called back. This is James calling from Hillsborough, Oregon. Wait, hold on. Did he hang up and give up? Yeah, yeah. And then call back again? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God, I love James. He's from Hillsborough, Oregon, home of the Hillsborough Hops,

who the Vancouver Canadians sometimes play. Right. Okay. This is James calling from Hillsborough, Oregon, and I am composed. I called from, well I am, the manager of an optometry clinic and had a patient come in today with his elderly father and the patient says, hey, my dad needs to see your gynecologist. And the dad turns to him and he's like, I'm fine, my vagina's fine.

And then I didn't just kind of went to the entire situation confused and glaring back and forth. And then the dad leads and he says, no, I need to see your obstetrician. The funny thing is that we're an optometry clinic and that's still the wrong type of doctor. Wow. That was awesome. That was really good. Yeah, I'm glad he called in and, you know, took a second swing at it. No, no. That was amazing, sweetie. Please call back again. The condescending sweetie has become a big part of our culture in the last year or two.

Oh, God. No, no. I'm so serious. Andy, I love that. Here's your next phone call. Hi, Dave, Graham and guests. This is Kate calling from Vancouver and I am calling in with an overseen. It is one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.

Uh-oh. It was driving behind a car with a bumper sticker and on the bumper sticker was a picture of a little cartoon penis and the caption read, my owner beats me. Oh, what the fuck? There's that for you. What? Anyway, I love you, bye.

The owner of the penis. Okay, I got it. Did you not get it? I did not get it whatsoever. Is this what it's like to write a script with you? Listen, I'm kind of really funny. What did you mean by that? Oh, it's a joke. I get jokes.

I'm really quick, I riff a lot. Do you, are you a riff? No, I don't know how to riff. You've been riffing the whole time you've been here. It'm really quick. I riff a lot. Do you? Are you a riff? No, I don't know how to riff. You've been riffing the whole time you've been here. It's debatable. It's so debatable. I feel like I've been fighting. When you leave here, do you feel bad? I kind of like forget everything that happened.

It just goes. It goes. I feel like, oh, geez, I hope I didn't say anything about my roommates. Yeah. They're good people. They're good people. Yeah, they're good.

No, I don't have any. Good roommates on both sides. I know, but you did and you almost said something. I wasn't gonna say anything bad. Okay, what were you gonna say? Just that they had a lot of sex. Yeah, and obviously they were good at it if they had a lot of it.

So. Not necessarily. Well, that's true. Yeah, anyways, here's your final phone call of 2025. Hey, Dave, Grambling and possible guests. What? Grambling? Hang up, hang up.

Just joking. Just joking. Hey, Dave, Grambling and possible guests. This is Stephen from Call of the Hound calling in with an overheard. So my wife and I were at a Sarah Sherman show a while back and these people were talking to each other. I guess they'd known each other from an improv class. And he was telling him how she was in New York for three months practicing under some

really popular sad French clown or something. And he was saying, wow, that's a really long time to be away from home. You must be settling back into your house really well, huh? And she said, oh no, I got a really bad concussion. He said, oh my gosh, what happened? He said, I came home and I ran really hard into my freezer and knocked myself out. Anyways, I'll see you around.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, wait, is that an inside joke? Yes, yeah, you just think that one guy was just doing it right. I thought he was just riffing. Here's another phone call. This is Rob from Broomfield, Colorado. I was just calling in because I'm so delighted that...

It was catching on as an overheard thing already. But I didn't know if y'all knew the reason why I thought that was so funny. It was from that episode 844 with Tess Deggensine where y'all were talking about the 1989 Batman movie and how Prince and, oh I forget what her name was. Amazing. Prickyville. Prince and someone were having sex in the sound recording booth and there was honey everywhere.

And then Dave said, and then it sounded like blblblblbl. Anyway, so that was the origin of it. Anyway, love the show, bye bye. How, I had a question and you answered it in the name. That's crazy. Yeah, we've got calls for everything. The, you know, who's down with,

you'd never hear blblblblbl in. Who? With DJ Khaled. Yeah, that's true, he refuses. That's an inside. I don't know who that is. DJ Khaled? DJ Khaled?

Oh, DJ Khaled, I thought you said T.J. Stalin. Yeah, oh, T.J. Stalin, yeah. Yeah. Joseph Stalin's great-great-grandson, who won't go down on it. Oh, right. Joseph Stalin's great-great-grandson. We won't go down on it. Oh, right.

Well, that brings us to the end of this episode. Bita, thank you for being our guest. Can I sing you guys out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, wait, wait. Have you seen with it? Okay, thank you everybody for listening. Come on back next week.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Last week we did our call-in episode. Thanks to everyone who called in. And also I forgot, thanks to everyone who wrote in and didn't get a chance to call us. So is next year. Was that a Patreon? Nope.

Nope, that's a free, free as a bird episode. Yeah, thanks everyone who did that. And Graham's gonna say goodbye while Bita sings us out. Thank you everybody for listening. And follow Bita. Follow me on Instagram immediately, right now. She needs a thousand followers. Bita, Bita, Bita is the address. Um, thank you for being our guest. Thank you everybody out there for listening. We appreciate you. We hope you're having a

very good 2025. Come on back next week For another episode of. I hope you're happy. Stop podcasting yourself. What song are you singing? Hope you're happy too. Music Maximum Fun A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.