Stop Podcasting Yourself - Stop Podcasting Yourself - ep.13

Episode Date: May 27, 2008

Darcy Michael joins the boys for a romp through WWF wrestling while the garbage accumulates in our Celebrity Crush Hat.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! All right, welcome everybody to Stop Podcasting Yourself, episode number 13. My name is Graham Clark, and with me in the studio today, a very good friend and hilarious gentleman, Mr. Dave Shumka. How's it going, Dave?

Whoop-a-dee-doo. I'm back at you. Back at you! Glad to hear it. Thanks for coming out, man. Thanks for having me. Thank you for letting me beg and plead to be on your show. There was none of that. Don't listen to him. That's not true. I'm looking at you when I say that. Well, I don't know that he begged and pleaded.

I made fun of him once for asking. Because he once made fun of the show. Why? What did I say about the show? I think I told you how many listeners we had. And you said, yeah, there's about that many comedians in Vancouver And then I made fun of you by saying Dave can I please be on your podcast That was at Capone's right

Yes I do remember that Well I certainly Take that back Hello Byron He doesn't listen Do you think he listens If he does Hello Byron. He doesn't listen. Do you think he listens? If he does, hello, Byron.

Hello, Byron. How you doing? So, yeah, this is a sunny day. What better way to spend it than sitting inside with the blinds closed? I spent a good chunk of it standing, waiting for Dave to come home from walking his dog, and I had to be. And your neighbors didn't seem to mind that there was just somebody hanging out on your front doorstep.

Next door neighbors or upstairs? Just neighbors walking by. Oh, okay. This is kind of a crazy neighborhood, though. I didn't expect to see an apartment building. I thought you guys were screwing with me, actually, when I was driving down the street. I was like, oh. I guess it is an apartment building.

I guess it sort of is. It's like a... Is it like a... It's a house. Yeah, there's apartment building i guess it sort of it's like is it like it's a house yeah there's only three apartments right but it's a like it's a box though yeah i don't think we need to talk too much about where i live given that i may have a crazy stalker i think you didn't want to talk about that i'm not gonna okay all right uh well as is our way we like to start with a little segment we like to call Get to Know Us. Get to Know Us. Get to Know Us.

Let's start with the guest. Sure. So, Darcy, tell us what's going on with you. What happened this week? What's going on in general? Tell us about Darcy. Darcy is crazy us what's going on with you. What happened this week? What's going on in general? Tell us about Darcy. Oh, Darcy is crazy busy right now. Yeah?

It is spring, so I've been very busy in the garden. Is that true? Do you garden? Yeah. Well, you know, like a patio. Plus, he's been hibernating all winter. I have been hibernating all winter. There's salmon that you need to catch?

I just kind of like, I stretched. I was like i was like let's do this and you scratch you scratch up against like a tree right trees or uh they can nick brian uh you know whatever prickly he is a little prick prickly prickly um so do you really you actually garden yeah i do i'm a little obsessed vegetables flowers just. Vegetables, flowers? Just flowers. This is my first year with flowers. Usually I can't believe we're actually talking about this. This is the way it goes.

Believe it. I always kill plants. So this is winter. I kind of turned Grace's bedroom into a greenhouse, and I just had the heat cranked and about 100 plants in there. In her bedroom? Yeah, it was a little insane so she's all right with that she didn't really have much she doesn't have a choice no i got like 200

pounds on her she knows the food chain and uh how old's grace she's gonna be 10 it's crazy 10 years old yeah i don't even know if i'm gonna talk about it we had to yeah it's she's a little woman now what is that grade five i should know that off the top you should you should yeah, she's a little woman now. What is that, grade five? I should know that off the top of my head. You should. You should bingo bango. I think it's grade four. She's going into grade five. Okay.

Yeah. Fair enough. Fuck me if I'm wrong. Not for Dugan. I'm in so much trouble right now. She's not listening. Yeah, that's true. She's a big podcast fan.

Yeah, she is. I love Graham, but that Dave guy, he comes out of left field every time. She's got that smoker's wrath. Her voice as well. It could be that she's allergic to all the plants that you instill in her. Her voice has gone all wonky. It could very well be. Poor girl.

Other than that, I was at the Mechanics, and I just got back from Halifax, so I've just kind of been chilling out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you were at the Halifax Comedy Festival. And the Mechanics. Let's get... Let's talk about that. Where'd you go? Was it a jiffy lube, or was it like a Canadian tire?

Or did you go to a dealership? No, I go to the... I go to Two Brothers Automotive Do you go to one of those independent guys? I go to Two Brothers Automotive on First Street in North Vancouver. Oh, okay. That's a good plug right there. Yeah, yeah. That was a good plug, eh?

Yeah, no, I just had to get my tires changed. Winter's over. Have you ever heard of that mechanic place that's in Kits that has, it's run by women? And it's supposed, yeah, it was a mechanic shop That's wrong

It's a crazy world Darcy Things are changing This is crazy Things are all topsy turvy Pretty soon there's going to be dinosaurs at the park That's the next step after women are fixing cars P.S. Well then they're going to be marrying horses

That is yeah women are fixing cars. P.S. Well, then they're going to be marrying horses. That is, yeah, that's the next... That's the next arc. That's how evolution works. I'm sorry to break it. There'll probably still be a white president the entire time. I was trying... He looks like a turtle. John McCain. Oh, dude, I watched a clip of him

on Ellen DeGeneres from yesterday's episode. Yeah. And that was fucking awkward because she fully called him out on his, on him not agreeing to be, to support gay marriage. Oh, what did he say? Oh, it was awkward. So she asked him to, you know, like defend, defend his stance. And he just kind of put his head down, and it was so awkward, and he was like, well, I just believe a marriage is for a man and a woman,

and that's what I plan on doing. But you could tell he was just like, you know, it's an awkward conversation to have. And she just, she talked, they talked about it, like I'm paraphrasing very, like a lot here, but at the end of it, for about a minute and a half, it was just silent.

And then Ellen goes, but you'll walk me down the aisle still, right? See, and that's why she has a talk show. Because she's able to make that. But here's the thing. Because when they made that announcement, was it on Monday? Yeah, I think so.

In the States? It could have even been on Friday. It was in California. I when I because when they they made that announcement was it on Monday yeah I think so in the states it could have even been on Friday it was in California in California yeah and so which you know and then it was just

like a slew of like celebrities are all gonna get George Takei yeah gonna get married and Ellen's gonna get married and there was somebody else

wasn't there a third I think the one from Sex and the City. One place, Miranda. Oh, my God. Have you seen that beast? Her wife, to be?

Her boyfriend or wife or whatever? No. Oh, man. You know the redheaded kid from Harry Potter? What's his name? Grint, Rupert Grint. Yeah, is that his name? Quite possibly the worst name in English cinema.

Okay, picture if he hasn't grown at all height-wise, but about three feet wider. Yes. Really? Oh, she's just him in the future. Oh, it's hilarious. Wow. But he's going to be, well, I mean, he'll be kind of handsome. I've seen who you're talking about, and she's really unattractive.

Yeah. I don't even know who it is. I've never seen it. She's a man. who you're talking about, and she's really unattractive. Yeah. I don't even know who it is. I've never seen it. She's a man. Cynthia Nixon's wife-to-be. Wow. Because Cynthia Nixon, she's a pretty lady. She's pretty, yeah.

She's a little hard-looking. But usually I could see maybe if she was the ugly, famous one going anywhere. Yeah. You love who you love. Yeah, I guess. I guess. And the thing that surprised me about the thing, I think it was the mayor of San Francisco, was it? Yeah.

It's on the press conference. Oh, my God. And he ended up kind of sounding like a wrestler. Yeah. In the press conference he was doing, because he's like, we're coming, America. Look out, everybody. Whatever happens in San Francisco, the rest of the world follows. conference he was doing because he's like we're coming america look out everybody whatever happens in san francisco the rest of the world follows and i was like whoa why don't we just have a party

and not call out the rest of america to a fistfight yeah it was pretty much like you want to step outside america because the gays is coming and we're coming in twos it was a bit much, right? We teamed up, yeah. For the first day out, I think, you know, have a picnic, do some cake. A couple people get married. Make sure you don't drive home if you had too much to drink.

On my left corner is this Gaze of America. And on my right, a whole lot of... The Gaze of America. How come there's not a band called The Gaze of America? That might just be my new stage name. The Gaze of America. Please welcome The Gaze of America. Speaking of wrestling rings,

what wrestler do you think would exemplify The Gaze of America? Razor Ramon. George the Animal Steel. George the Junkyard Dog. Wrestling rings. What wrestler do you think would exemplify the gaze of America? Razor Ramon. George the Animal Steel. George the Junkyard Dog. Adrian Adonis. I actually... Oh, Adrian Adonis and Brutus the Barber Beefcake were probably the first two flamboyant characters. Well, no, there was one before.

It was Gorgeous... He's such a whore. Gorgeous George something or other. He wore like a feather boa. Oh, and what about Ric Flair? Ric Flair. Homo eroticism is rampant in professional wrestling. It's pretty gay.

Did you see that thing about Mexican wrestling? The big fad right now is total gay wrestlers. Like all the characters are super flamboyant. That's not a new thing in wrestling. Going way back to the 50s when wrestling was kind of a regional thing, there was always a character that would wear women's makeup and wear the feather boa. You'd get jeered.

But it's a weird choice. It's a wild thing, yeah, because when you look at the fans, I know wrestling made me gay because I was obsessed with it. Were you? Oh, I was a WWF fan from the get-go who was your favorite uh ultimate warrior up until uh he started to blog uh it's ultimate warrior blog oh god have you this is it's always every now and then there'll be like i listen to talk radio all the time sure and there'll be a little story about like ultimate warrior is being sued

again for homophobic comments. What? He goes off about everything. He first started after Mel Gibson. I would love to see, like, the legal transcript that would be Ultimate Warrior V. Yeah. United States of America. Be glad.

V-flag versus Ultimate Warrior. V-flag to the Ultimate Warrior. Be flagged with the Ultimate Warrior. You just look at that court dog here. Ultimate Warrior is going to win any time. Yeah, this guy, he's ultimate. There's no way you can beat him. You can't beat Ultimate. And as I said before on a previous podcast, his formal wear is a bunch of neckties.

Right, right. His biceps. You guys have talked about the Ultimate Warrior before here. It has come up. You guys are such nerds. I love it. When we went to go see wrestling a year and a half ago. You guys went?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, next time you go, let me know. Yeah, we went and saw Amateur, which is way better. Oh, really? Way better. It's not like Greco-Roman. They have like personas. It's not like a fight club?

No. Because that'd be hot. No, it was very staged. Oh, no, it was staged, but it was held in like a Legion Hall. A Polish community center. Polish community center. So it felt like a fight club. There were a lot of tables that were half broken that they threw bodies onto and broke the rest of them.

Guys were cutting themselves so they would bleed. You can see them cutting themselves. Did we tell this story before with Jane? I don't think we did. We walked in, and the first thing Jane Stanton said was, I don't want one of those wrestlers to fall on me. And I'm like, they're not. They're professional.

This is all choreographed. Nobody's going to fall on you. It's all about Jane. So in the last match, it's the brutal, they fall out of the ring, they're just fighting through the audience scenario, and they go up on the balcony and all this crazy shit. As soon as they fall out of the ring, everybody in the audience gets up out of their

chair, because they know what's gonna happen. Except Jane. And where does this guy land? Smack dab right in the middle of Jane's lap. No way. It could not have been more perfect. But I was trying... I think there might have been...

I think there might have been a gay character even in that. It was, and I can't remember his name. Was it like the metrosexual or something? That's right, and he comes out and he had like frosted tips and... But my favorite guy, I forget his name, but he was Christian Crusader

or something Christian Crusader yeah he came out with the Bible and he had a Jesus fish down one leg and a cross down the other and how old are these guys

like are they they're like from 20 to 40 yeah really some older guys wow these are guys

it's the craziest thing like because they're guys that's what they do. That's their, you know, they work as mechanics or whatever during the day and night. In North Van. That would be the best to find the workplace that happens to be like the wrestling workplace. Like you go into one Zeller's and it's just all these huge guys with crazy hair.

They're enemies in the ring, but they're friends at Zellers. I actually thought it was strange because they promote it so much on MySpace. Because when we went, I think I befriended the wrestling organization. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all the guys that are enemies in the ring are friends on MySpace. On MySpace, of course. Well, that's because MySpace brings people together. Well, it's very similar to Comedians, though.

Correct. It is. All your top friends are comics because you're afraid to put anybody else. The parallels between professional comedy and professional wrestling are... Sadly. Like, they're numerous. Except that show was packed that show was

it was packed it was awesome it was probably honestly if you see cause they ever they wrestle in Kitsilano and they wrestle in Surrey and then they do these special events once in a while if you see an ad for it

go cause it's like $10 or something $15 maybe we paid Surrey and then they do these special events once in a while. If you see an ad for it, go. Because it's like $10 or something. $15 maybe we paid. And it's two hours. How many people are there do you think? It was standing room only. Really? S-R-O. It was definitely packed. And the one guy, the guy

that went through the tables, the four tables off the balcony, I remember. Yeah, they stacked tables up on top of each other. Yeah, and he fell through four of them. The next day, his MySpace thing was, so-and-so is in the hospital. Really?

Well, because he felt kind of weird. Even when he fell, I was like, that's not the way that was supposed to go at all. So, yeah. He lost. He was an Undertaker ripoff. Oh, the Undertaker was one of my favorites, lost. He was an Undertaker rip-off.

The Undertaker was one of my favorites, too. I liked the Undertaker. Then he went all motorbike guy. He's still wrestling. Yeah. So is Hulk Hogan, isn't he? Hulk Hogan is still wrestling. No, he's hosting American Gladiator.

So he's done? You can't do both. I don't think you can do both. I don't watch anymore. Every now and then I'll see it on and I'll be a little too stoned and be like, yeah, I can watch some wrestlers. Where is Razor Ramon now? Scott Hall was his real name.

Are you kidding me? Maybe not all of them, but when WCW... I knew that Razor Ramon was not his real name. WCW stole a bunch of wrestlers when they came to prominence. WCW folded. Yeah.

Well, WWF bought them. Right. When they were folding. Oh, yeah, when they were folding. And WCW... This is fascinating. This is nerd talk, but there's some people out there that are nerds. When a couple people went over to WCW, they started using their real name,

and Razor Ramon was Scott Hall, I believe. He lost a lot when he lost to Razor Ramon. And someone, I want to say Diesel? Yeah, he did. He was Kevin Nash. Kevin Nash, yeah, I remember that. Here's a thing, and here's more of a survey of the room. Was Ravishing Rick Rude the best wrestler that ever lived?

Dude, I remember Ravishing Rick Rude, one of the best matches, Ravishing Rick Rude and Jim the Snake or whatever. Jake the Snake Roberts. Jake the Snake Roberts. They were twins. Were they really? No, I just thought they looked similar. Yeah, no, I remember them wrestling at WrestleMania.

What was Ravishing Rick Rude's thing? He would, at the end of the match, he would bring a girl out of the audience and make out with her until she would pass out from how awesome he was at sex. And he'd do that thing where he'd put his hands behind his head and rotate his hips. And he had a that thing where he'd put his hands behind his head and rotate his hips. And he had a picture of his face on his own ass.

Yeah. And he would clench his buttocks. Yeah. Wow. And Jake the Snake had the snake. Had the snake in the back. And whenever he defeated someone, he would put a snake on their... Oh, there's a great documentary about Jake the Snake.

Have you ever seen that? I guess not. What's it called? Outside the Ring or Inside the Ring? Beyond the Mat. Beyond the Mat the mat yeah it was nowhere near but uh it was close that is uh the most depressing yeah because jake the snake turned out to be a raging drunk and a crack addict oh right yeah yeah he was smoking crack and he's still touring on like the amateur circuit doing matches for a hundred bucks yeah he's like horribly out of shape he's super bal on the amateur circuit. Doing matches for $100. Yeah, he's horribly out of shape.

He's super balding. It just looks like shit. But he's still got the snake. Aw. There's no way the microphone picked up Grandpa whining on the outside. He's so lonely out there. But he must stay out there. I'd rather have Grandpa back on my lap.

Will he interfere if he's in there? We'll see Are you allergic? I am, but I can't stand the sadness He's not made of stone I'm not made of stone Come on in, Grandpa You can come and go as you please

Oh, you're just rad Now this is interesting Should we move on to Mr. Dave Shumps? Yeah, okay Should we get to know you? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. Got about that segment.

What did we talk about with Darcy? He got his car fixed. And wrestling. There was another thing that we mentioned. He went to Halifax. Oh, yeah. We didn't talk about that at all. No, it's amazing that we glommed on to the more mundane of the two

and decided to just turn that into a whole chunk of talking. Did you have anything juicy from Halifax? Did you eat a lot of seafood when you were out there? No, I waited all week. Deb's got clam. That's Debra DiGiovanni, very funny comedian. She got clam chowder everywhere we went, no matter what time of day it was. And I wanted to wait

until my last show was done, because sometimes I get a little ill from seafood. So, you are so rad, Grandpa. He's not interfering at all. No, he's not. I can see why we've never done this experiment before. I waited until after the last show, and then we went out for big lobster and steak dinner with uh phil hanley and uh pete zedlacker oh yeah derrick seguin yeah deborah

and i uh we all went out for and the steak was so good that i didn't have much room for the lobster did they give the audience those little novelty clapper things when you were there? No. When I was there a couple years ago, never to return, apparently. That's what I heard back then. Yeah, I know. That's all the word on the street. They gave the audience, everybody filed in, these plastic, they were like plastic hands.

Like clappers? That you would shake them and they would make like a clickety-clack sound. So when you came out on stage, instead of being greeted with clapping, it just sounded like a swarm of locusts. And you were like, oh, that sounds weird. And they were amazing crowds. Oh, fantastic crowds. Probably like it's one of the more fun festivals that you could attend. Oh, and they treat you great.

They put the shows together nicely. Like, the shows worked with the acts that were on each one. Yeah. And they booked me in the right shows. Like, I was happy with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One of the best weeks on the road. No, it's a fun.

It is. It's an awesome festival. Did you do a Nasty Boys show? I did do a nasty boys show to about 60 people in the yuck yucks have you been to that yuck yucks no it was not it was not there and either of the times i wouldn't say it's much bigger than the studio but it's very cute i heard it's very tiny it's yeah i think it seats about 100 maybe snug maybe uh it's a big hug big nova sc Scotian hug. They wear big jackets there.

They do. It's 100 minus jackets. I had a lot of fun there. That's cool, man. Yeah, it is a fun festival. And lots of seafood. If you don't like seafood, you are going to be on the oats with the whole city. Which I was.

That's why I was invited back. You're allergic to all seafood. We learned last week. You're allergic to all seafood. Wow, you have a lot of allergies. Jason Bryan and I had an allergic off last week and I was hands down the champ. He had some

weird ones. I heard you were allergic to apples. Yeah. Is that true? Why would I make that up? To impress a woman. I guess you probably get that a lot. I've never heard of anyone being allergic to apples. The list seems to be growing. I think it's just going to grow to a point where I'm allergic to apples. The list seems to be growing.

I think it's just going to grow to a point where I'm allergic to everything and then I'm going to die. And that's going to be the weirdest death where you're like, he just became allergic to everything and he had to die. That's it. Oxygen's the only thing left. It's coming any day. Here it is. So, yeah. But we were going to go to Dave Shumka. Let's get to know you, sir.

I discovered there's another Dave Shumka in the last couple weeks. I was at Darby's about a month ago, and I did a set. Another Dave Shumka doing comedy? Nope. Oh. That would be harsh. and he's hilarious you're getting all sorts of crazy bookings yeah what's going on uh yeah there's a uh someone wrote me on facebook after i did this set and said i saw you the other night i think we've met before are you from west van and i wrote back saying no i'm

not i don't think we've met and they're like i'm pretty sure we have i've met dave shumka before how many dave shumkas could there be uh but apparently this uh dave shumka character just appeared in my life uh anyway but and then what this is going somewhere sorry no uh and then What? This is going somewhere Sorry No And then I did a show At the Lamplighter Like two weeks ago

And a guy came up to me And he said Hey You're Dave Shumka right? Yeah You owe me $40 You got my sister pregnant Good to see

He was like Good to see you turned your life around Really? It's nice to see you turned your life around. Really? It's nice to see... Are you kidding? Kind of. No, I'm not kidding. And I was like, oh, we haven't met.

He's like, you sure? Are you from West Van? No, I'm not. Oh my God, this poor Dave show. And then... Wow. Well. And then a couple... About a week ago, my sister was like, I met this guy

and he said, oh, your last name's Shumka. Are you related to Dave Shumka? And she said, yeah. Like, oh, how's he doing? So it's like somebody's stolen your identity, but not, but they're going around ruining your rep. Not well, and my sister was like, well, we're not from West Van, so it must be a different person. And he was like, oh, really?

Because this guy gets into fights all the time and he was at this party where this guy almost got killed. See, and that's why I was initially hesitant to do this podcast with Dave Schumka, because I'm like, you're not crazy, Dave Schumka, right? The other way. That's wild. Now, I've never actually considered it. I'm still trying to process it. I think it's weird that people would have seen me and heard this guy's reputation and been able to say, oh, yeah, stand-up comedian Dave Schumka? Yeah, he's capable of beating people up.

Well, you're very aggressive on stage. It's true. You prowl the stage. You stand offish. That's the one thing. Yeah, I look a little psychotic. Some people like it. I don't.

A little less sunshine and you'd be there. A little pale in the face. I've never met anyone with the same name as me. I don't know if that would be weird. I have. Oh, but only through Facebook. And he's a guy in Scotland and he plays in a heavy metal band. So you guys, again, pretty much the same person.

Pretty much the same guy. Me and that guy. Anything else? I mean, you met a guy that's ruining your life. I didn't meet him. Without you even knowing. I hope not to meet him, because I think he'll kill me. Yeah, he will, because there can only be one.

Yeah, and we're like Highlanders. Graham, you told me something that I needed to write down, and it involves a wooden Sasquatch. Oh, yes. Let's get to know Graham. That was quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened. Well, not ever, but this month for sure. What listeners don't know is right now Dave is feeding Grandpa beer out of his hand. It's the best.

That is awesome. Yeah. Grandpa can't lie down right now Because he's got the spins. Hopefully he'll chill out again in a minute. He's just going to find him an hour later just fucking things he shouldn't. The dog's like, let me tell you something that's wrong with you

that you don't know, motherfucker. We'll see if you're allergic to me. Sean Proudlove had a lady friend stay with him, Sean Proudlove, whose birthday it was this week. And they were going out for dinner and they came back

and all I saw coming through the doorway in our living room was this giant sculpture being held by Lisa, Sean's friend. And I was like, what is it? And Sean's like, we found it in the garbage next door.

And it's a quite large... Give me a... A size? It's about... It would be bigger than a a size yeah it's about it's it would be bigger than a bread box it's about that big

okay a foot tall at least I would say like yeah a foot maybe hey yo but the

it's it's you know the Sasquatch film the very famous right it's literally a carving of that moment when the Sasquatch film, the very famous? Right. It's literally a carving of that moment when

the Sasquatch looks at the cameraman and Sean said it was sitting on top of the garbage can and I this is what I think happened. Because Sean thinks that it was some sort of breakup or something where somebody threw out

that Sasquatch thing. But I think what happened was two roommates, as a gag, the one roommate took the other roommate's favorite thing, which is a carved Sasquatch, put it on top of the garbage can. The roommate came home, what happened to a fucking carved Sasquatch? Oh, it's just a joke. I put it on top of the garbage can,

and he goes out and it's gone because Sean has stolen it and put it on our mental. It's not stealing if it's garbage. It's funny because we have a park bench on our mental. It's not stealing if it's garbage. It's funny because we have a park bench on our balcony that it just got too much. It got rained on and everything. So we had taken it off the balcony

and put it in the hallway outside of our apartment door because then we were like, a little welcome area. And we were like, we'll just put it out there until we decide what to do with it. About five hours later, inside the apartment building, I was like, I i'm gonna put it back on the balcony i like it out there i go and open

our apartment door it's gone it's gone and this thing weighs a ton it weighs like 50 pounds well that's two people i like how in one sentence he said it weighs a ton it weighs 50 pounds uh and yet my futon mattress is still sadly sitting. Is it still? It was a couple years ago. That's becoming a bit of a saga. Well. But I.

But the thing, here's the thing about the Sasquatch that I should mention. Is it has enormous breasts. Oh. See, what I think. Which is the crowning glory. I think these things are attracted to you guys. I think you're right. Maybe your neighbor is a struggling artist,

and he's just started out, and he's like, I need to put my madness into a piece of wood. So he made this Sasquatch, but he made the breasts way too big. So he's going to start again. It's like a writer with a bunch of crumpled up paper in his waist basket. That's my favorite thing. You're going to have a bunch of wooden Sasquatches around the garbage.

I like that that's still used as a convention to show writer frustration, is the crumpled up paper because now you would have to you would have to print it yeah read it and go no on the ground or just have a bunch of burnt laptops or because that's still the convention whenever you see like crumpled up paper you're like that writer's frustrated. Or maybe they would have your recycling box on your desktop, but it would be overflowing. I like that. Because people delete files as they go.

Not this guy. He's frustrated. Into the can. But that was something He's frustrated. Into the can! But that was something I brought up. What was your get to know us? Did you have anything for us? That was my favorite thing of the week by far. I'm not going to come up with something that equals that. Yesterday was your roommate Sean's

birthday. What happened there? We just went out for dinner and I found his old roommate and invited him down for dinner and And we had dinner. And then we went drinking. And then we went a-wassling. Oh.

Yeah. Was that appreciated by your neighbors? Wassling is... What's wassling? It's from a Christmas song. Here we go, wassling. It's not... It's caroling.

Is it? Yeah. Is that what it is? Really? I just thought that it was something that was a made-up term. It's Carolyn. I wonder how many times you've used it out of... Incorrectly.

Let me say this. Not many. Because very rarely do I bring up the word wassailing. That's a good word. Darcy is playing with my dog right now, and my dog is being so adorable. He is. He's awesome. He's got his back.

He's got his back. back letting darcy rub his belly anyway shall we move on we should um overheard overheard uh overheard if you've never heard the show before very simple concept what have you overheard other people saying that may or may not be hilarious uh do you have one darcy yeah yeah all right let's let's let the uh let's let the guests go first yeah this was just from last night actually i uh i hosted at yuck yucks and i i was walking out after the show and there were these three girls walking in front of me and it was right after the show and uh and they were uh i don't want to say they were ditzy looking but you got the impression they were doing yeah and the one girl goes oh my god

like I haven't laughed that hard in forever and the other girls like I know sometimes I don't even know why I'm laughing but I was just laughing I think that pretty much sums up why we do what we do. He's just laughing. He doesn't even know why. I just saw everyone else, so I thought, ha, ha, ha, ha. Laughter is infectious. And also peer pressuring. Yeah. I did do a lot of peer pressuring that night, too.

That's funny. I like. Yeah, that was just a little brief one that I remembered last night. What about you, Dave? Anything? I have one. I heard it on the news last night, and the mayor of Port Coquitlam about a year ago

was stalking his ex-girlfriend. I remember this. He's still the mayor. Allegedly stalking, although he didn't plead guilty. He's allegedly the mayor still. He beat her up, too. What? Yeah, that was the...

He assaulted... I was reading it at the A&W. That's what we were going to talk about, the newspaper. Oh, yeah, but you didn't keep that newspaper, did you? No, I didn't, and I thought, oh, I should keep this. This is something Graham would do. And I thought, I'm not Graham. And I put it down.

But it was... He assaulted her and her current boyfriend. Right. Sorry, you go ahead with you. But they played in the... Doritos would call that bold. They call it cool range. They played the 911 tape from the night when there was the big confrontation. Oh, God.

And they didn't play it on the news, but they read excerpts from it. And he said to her, the former mayor stalking his ex-girlfriend said, You killed me, you bitch. And she replied, You killed me. And I would like to point out that neither of them have been killed. That's really good. They're fighting over who killed who. Yeah, and he's still the mayor.

That's what you don't know. Now, you live in Port Coquitlam, don't you? No. He lives in Ladner. I live in Ladner. Well, that's all the same. BC. I've never even been to Port Coquitlam.

Ladner before Christ. That's right the same. BC. I've never been to Portugal. Ladner before Christ. That's right. But they put everything after Christ in Ladner, which is funny. Christ comes first. Every sign for Ladner says Ladner AC. Because the big GC is always first. JC. JC.

Did I say GC? Yeah. Graham Clark. Graham Clark is always first. Oh, yeah. You are always first.c jc did i say gc yeah yeah graham clark graham clark oh yeah you are always first they're definitely gonna book you before me i uh well we'll see i'm going to langley tonight not anyways oh they ran me out of that town yeah yeah oh i wish um i have one uh we'll see if this works it was a guy walking with his son and he was clearly exhausted by his son the dad and the mom was off kind of doing their own thing and the son

was like a little question machine right? why? like that but the dad at one point all i heard was as they walked by me uh the dad said i don't want you to ask that question again and then the kid goes i got i got a different question after dinner can we put the tarp down and do it again and the dad said like he was talking to an adult he's like that's the same question just rephrased

the dad was clearly just like you fucking kid oh god i there, man. It's a loophole. Yeah. No, I got a different question. It's different. It's different. No, it's not. You stupid kid. So yeah, that was over it. Are we... Do we want to do Celebrity Crush Hat? Yeah.

Celebrity Crush Hat. Crush in the hats. Celebrity Crush Hat. Go fuck yourself. Celebrity Crush Hat. Chapeau Chinois. Celebrity Crush Hat Crush in the hats Celebrity Crush Hat Go fuck yourself Celebrity Crush Hat Chapeau Chinois Celebrity Crush Hat Crush Hat Alright, Celebrity Crush Hat

We pick a number out of a hat We stole this from another podcast Called The Shit Parade Show The Shit Parade You guys stole this? Well, they do it They call it their musical biography another podcast called the ship parade the ship parade uh and you guys stole this well they did they do it they call it their musical biography and you pick you you talk about the band oh yeah into it okay yeah yeah and uh so we have a hat full of numbers darcy pick it oh here we go here So here it is. Darcy picked 13.

13. 13. We will talk about who we had crushes on. Who you had a crush on at age 13. And it's convenient that we were all born in 1980. Yes. Were you born in 80 as well? Yep.

Wow. Yeah. So this is going to be interesting then. December of 80. So 1994 is my year. interesting then. December of 80. So 1994 is my peak year. Yeah, it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My peak year.

That's when you peaked, buddy. Okay, so we paused. We looked up 1993 to see what was happening. Because it's not easy to remember. It was a rough year. Yeah. It was a rough year. It was fucking 13.

That was tough. Here's one thing that I know for a fact that doesn't really factor in so much into the crush, but my locker partner in grade 7, which I assume would have been 1983, he decided it would be awesome to put up posters in our locker, and he just bought some random magazine, like Teen something. Yeah, like Teen Bop. Yeah, and he put up pictures of all the female castmates of Beverly Hills 90210, most of which I was not attracted to at all.

Gabrielle Carteris? Yeah, she was one of them. Oh, she was probably one of my first crushes, actually. Gabrielle Carteris? I don't know why. What was her character on the show? Andrea. Andrea.

Yeah, I remember thinking she was... Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was Beverly Hills. That did come out that year, 93. Yeah. So you were attracted to the kind of... She was a little standoffish.

She was mousy. She was mousy. But she was standoffish, though. Like, she wouldn't take any of Brandon Wallace's shit. I've never really watched the show. And she was like 40. She kind of reminds me of... You're lying. She was the oldest of the cast. But no, I really haven't watched 9-11. How did you know the name of the

character, like, instantly? Abby watches it. Oh, so you Abby watches it. Oh, so you see. I live on the planet. Are you excited that they're going to be remaking that? Yes. Because I am. I'm stoked.

Because Degrassi, it won't be as good as the remake of Degrassi. That remake of Degrassi is amazing. I can't believe it. I find myself, I'm watching it going, I can't believe we're watching Degrassi. I know, it feels so good. I PBR it. We just got a PBR like a month ago. That's the thing. i always changed my life that would be the best campaign for a suicide prevention is that you're like you don't know how awesome the next thing is gonna be

like you you may be like well you know nothing awesome is gonna come and then all of a sudden the next day they're like we're gonna do a new generation of degrassi you're like i'm glad i didn't kill myself and you remember saved by the bell the new class we're going to do a new generation of Degrassi. And you're like, I'm glad I didn't kill myself. Do you remember Saved by the Bell, the new class? We're doing that, but the new class of that. And Mr. Belding's back. Mr. Belding's assistant. You just never know what awesome thing is going to happen. I always thought Gabrielle Carteris, just in looks,

reminded me of the girl lead on Life Goes on with with corky oh yeah all right yeah just kind of a nerd nerdy i i have i like nerdy chicks they're cool now here's the thing did and i don't know if this is just have we mentioned darcy is a homosexual i think it was alluded to oh it's just an act an act. I'm not on stage. Yeah, exactly. Now we can just relax. Yeah, now that it's just us guys. Now we can just whip our willies out and have some beers. Yeah, we can have some penis and vagina sex.

That is my favorite position, by the way. Penis and vagina. Oh, have you read the whole Kama Sutra? penis in vagina oh have you read the whole Kamasutra I believe he's paraphrasing I don't remember a vagina in there crouching penis

in vagina here's the what the fuck were we talking about we were in the middle of something before the piss flap talk oh yeah we were in the middle of something. Before the piss flap talk. Oh, yeah. We were in the middle. So you are, was it Gabriel?

Well, yeah, I got to go with two probably because it was a tough year in 93. Oh, yeah. Decisions, decisions. I think, did we not, we looked up Leonardo DiCaprio was on Growing Pains. And so I'll go with Leonardo DiCaprio. So a little bit of this and a little bit of that. Did you ever define yourself as bisexual?

I remember in grade 10 me and my best friends Dustin and Ben were sitting in his basement and we all told each other we were bi. And then Ben told Dustin he had a crush on him, and Dustin and I flipped out.

We were like, ew, that is fucking gross. And then Ben started dating girls for like 10 years, and then he became a clown. You know what? I bet you that was the exact moment that the whole fucking road to being a clown started. Oh, for sure. I bet you could trace it back to the

moment where he's like, I professed my love for this guy, and everybody laughed at me, and I decided to be a clown. What are they now? Dustin's gay, and... Ben's a clown. Sorry, buddy. Don't mean to out you.

And Ben is... Ben's actually... Now he's working on his phd back east somewhere at uh at clown college at clown college yes he's going to be dr giggles dr giggles a movie uh yes yeah that starred that really weird looking guy that I can't remember his name but he was on Picket Fences ah is that

the judge guy right John Corbett John Corbett when in doubt John Corbett um who called him do you have crushes

uh 1993 uh like well going back to the 90210 pages I say I like Jenny Garth but i know i would

never say that i had a crush on her uh i would say probably if there was anybody to have a crush on we found out that the nanny premiered that year and there was something sexual about her she's always wearing dresser brand dresser she's wearing very tight skirts yeah and she had big hair that was fun uh but i think that was the same era where every day after school they were playing degrassi on at like four o'clock when i get home and i think i had a very big crush on caitlin caitlin which one was which caitlin went with joey was she the brunette yeah she was yeah she went she went with she and then later she had like a blonde streak yeah in her hair and also i had a bit of a thing for spike but never was what about stephanie k stephanie k was a slut and i had no time for it she was that

was her whole character she was a slut yeah well at school she dressed real slutty but then but at home not so much but then her reputation got spoiled because she went half of the way with somebody. I think it was Stephanie K. That what broke Joey and... Caitlyn up? Oh, yeah, that's right. Wasn't there a phrase that people came up with? Out of the way.

Out of the way, Stephanie K. I thought it was all the way with Stephanie K. Oh, maybe there was a different episode. But out of the way, Stephanie Kaye. I thought it was all the way with Stephanie Kaye. Maybe there was a different episode, but out of the way, Stephanie Kaye was... They were impeaching her, or she was running for class president? Anyway. My favorite line... What's your favorite

line from Degrassi? Can anybody remember their favorite line? All I remember, I remember the Degrassi, the two-hour movie that they aired on CBC. I remember that Joey swore. He said, fuck whoa and i was just blown away and i looked at my parents was like he just and my mom's like i know jeremiah's let us down yeah and i was like i'm pretty sure that's probably i don't like i swear like a i don't remember the

my favorite line i remember uh when wheels or snake wheels wheels he was the one that was really messed up the yeah he uh apparently in real life as well really yeah apparently his life's gone off the rail when he ran away from home i forget i don't even remember the line but when the dude uh grabbed his his thigh in the car yes and then he gets out and he picks up a rock uh yeah and then there was also uh shane yeah who was spike's baby daddy but then jumped off a bridge on acid and uh became became all all well brain damaged yeah and uh i forget what he would say but it was it was hilarious if this was saved by Bell, I'd have a hundred lines. Here's the thing. When they did

a redo of that character on The Next Generation, Shane was played by Jonathan Torrens of Jono Vision fame. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of which fame? Remember Jono Vision? And he's on... Oh, yeah. He's on Trailer Park Boys. Yeah, yeah. And Street Sense.

Yeah, he's on Street Sense. Jonathan Torrance, a Canadian institution. My favorite line ever on Degrassi was they were having a sleepover, and they all smoked pot. Right? They all got loosey-goosey. And one of the girls tells one of the other girls secrets. They're playing truth or dare, and she tells one of the secrets. And then she barges upstairs.

She's all crying. She's's like what's going on and my brothers and i said this to each other for years following this that wasn't your secret to tell that wasn't your secret that wasn't your secret to tell uh best line ever from negrasi what's your favorite line from saved by the bell mr machos that should be a new segment yeah oh well they're really i mean there's too many to from Degrassi. What's your favorite line from Saved by the Bell? Mr. Machos. That should be a new segment. I mean, there's too many to count. Should we create a new segment? This has to be a segment. We have to finish this segment.

Okay, we'll finish the segment and then we're going to create a new segment. No one mentioned Winona Ryder yet. Wait, I didn't even get mine in. I was saying that maybe the nanny, Winona Ryder yet. Wait, I didn't even get mine in. All right, fine. I was saying that maybe the nanny, Winona Ryder. And then, oh, yeah, Winona Ryder was definitely, yes. Oh, for sure. But I also think I'm pretty sure that I had a pretty dynamic crush at that point, at that early age, on Janine Garofalo. Oh, from the Ben Stiller show.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think maybe I'd seen her on TV a couple times and I thought she was the coolest. Reality Bites was a bit... I think it might have been the next year. No, no, it was 94 because I remember. Yeah, so it was the next year.

Because my crush is Reality Bites related as well. Was it? Ethan Hawke? It was Lisa Loeb. Oh, yes. From the Reality Bites soundtrack. related as well was it's it was an hawk it was lisa lobe oh yes from the reality bright soundtrack what you don't know but i know and dave knows is that he can play that song on guitar and and also on piano yeah really i love that song he played it you played it once at uh el cacao yeah and it was was it el cacao that you played it yeah yeah during Cacao. Yeah. And it was... Was it El Cacao that you played at? Yeah. Yeah. During the show?

Yeah, during the show. It was during his set. And then he sat down and he sang the whole Lisa Loeb song. But then you found her skankified once she did that reality show. I don't know that I found her skankified. I did. Oh, I thought you were off. In fact...

Because she was posing in a bra and panties and you thought that was a little... Yeah, that doesn't really do anything for me. I'm not prudish. Well, that sounds kind of prudish. We always touch dinks after every show. I'm a grower. But I prefer her as a... I'm taking Gabrielle off the list.

You guys are reminding me of way more people now. I prefer her as kind of like a like a sexless entity yeah more of like just like a commentator someone to sing me songs no i don't i loved it when she was trying on underwear it was the best that was the best moment in tv recent tv history she's in her 40s now she's uh she's still amazing looking. I can't believe that she's... Is she? I imagine. You say.

Poor girl. She's not actually barren, but she never found that one. She lives on the Barren Strait. She did a reality show called Number One Single. I subscribed to the Number One Single podcast when it was on. I noticed that recently the feed has tapered off. called Number One Single. I subscribed to the Number One Single podcast when it was on.

I noticed that recently the feed has... Tapered off? Well, they stopped doing them like a year ago. But there's a little icon beside it that means that the feed's dead now. Oh. And so... So does that mean she's dead now? They never did a season two of it.

Oh. No, it wasn't a very good show. Oh, I never saw it. I remember seeing ads for it. Was it much music that it was for? It was on Life. It was on the Life Network. But it was one of those things where you watched it and, gay or straight, you would watch it

and be like, well, I will be your husband because you are a darling and you're... Maybe she found someone. You own every item of Hello Kitty. Does she? Including the toaster that makes own every item of Hello Kitty. Does she? Including the toaster that makes the toast have a Hello Kitty logo on it. No. Wow. Really? Yeah. That's kind of creepy. That's pretty gay. Yeah, that is pretty gay.

And I mean that in the derogatory way. So that was me. What about you? No, I just did Lisa Love. Yeah. So there we go. I think that was a good celebrity crush hat Now it's time for our new segment That we just invented out of nowhere Favorite Saved by the Bell Lines

Do we need a song? Yeah So what's the theme song for? The thrust of it is that it's alright Because it's Saved by the Bell Lyrics So that's what we go It's alright because it's Saved by the bell lyrics or lines so that's what we go it's all right because it's saved by

the bell favorite lines like that does that work can we yeah yeah um dave shumka what what's one of your favorite lines from the television show saved by the bell well i mean the classic uh would be when uh jesse and that is okay yeah and lisa and uh kelly were in an all-girl band called hot sunday oh that was my story yeah exactly i mean it's a little ubiquitous uh i got a different one when jesse was trying to get into Stanford and she had to do the big showcase for the record label. And she was taking caffeine pills. Zach came to confront her about it and

she started singing I'm So Excited. Which wasn't one of their songs. Or a song from that time period either. In fact their song was Put your mind to it, for it get down and break your sweat rock and roll you ain't seen nothing yet see you you're doing double lines yep uh you know what uh i've earned it yeah you're right i put my time in come a long way baby but uh yeah well of course that confronted her and she she said i'm so excited i'm so excited

i'm so scared it is one of the uh my favorite one of my favorite lines is the episode where they pause it if zach the zach attack which was the band the gang played in... That Jesse wasn't in. No, it was... Everyone but Jesse. Yeah, everybody but Jesse. I don't remember that. There was an episode that took place in the alternate universe where the Zack Attack... Jack dreamed the whole episode.

Oh, okay. Oh. I love those episodes. And it was narrated by a very old Casey Kasem. Close to a very young one. Well, yeah, it could have been. He was on that show a lot. Who, Casey Kasem? Yeah, he was on it more than once.

There was the one where Lisa sprained her ankle and had the dance contest. And they called the dance a sprain. We're not supposed to do every single line in one time of the segment. You know what? I want this segment to run out of gas ASAP. Well, it's not gonna, because there's a

lot. But it's where, at the end of that episode, the tour they're on is called the Friends Forever Tour, and they're all... They've had the fallout, but they get back together, and then they're gonna go do the show at the big stadium, and it's called the Friends Forever

Tour, and as they're walking out, Casey Kasem looks at the camera and goes, Friends Forever. Sounds like a nice idea. Do you remember the episode when... Yes! We remember every episode! I think it was a two-parter. It was the one when Jesse's dad got married or whatever in...

Palm Springs? in Palm Springs. In Palm Springs. We stayed at that hotel with the parents flying around and the little boat that you can take around the lake. Very lovely place. Where was this? In Palm Springs. You went there? Yeah, we stayed there.

Where they filmed that episode? You can go and stay by the Bell Tours. Like, this is where the girl from King of Queens and Zach got together. Where they filmed that episode. You can go on Saved by the Bell tours. And DaveShimmy.com slash Zach got together. As Stacy Kurosi. Remember Timon and Pumbaa? That's right. Her dad, Leon Kurosi.

I'm so lost. I think there's like a hipster element to appreciating Saved by the Bell, ironically. But I really did like it a lot. I watched every single episode multiple times. And if it's on TV, although I did hear, and I can't remember the name of the comedian who told this joke, but it always stuck with me every time I watched Saved by the Bell, where they said it was an American guy. He's like, we treat American teenagers like

we treat our dogs. Don't throw out that rancid meat. The dog will eat it. Don't throw out those old episodes of Saved by the Bell. The teenagers will watch it. That's funny. I can't remember who told that joke, but it always stuck with me whenever I watched Saved by the Bell. Oh, I love that show. We were only allowed when we were

teenagers like a half an hour of TV a day, but my parents... Really? How was that enforced uh it was just like well like they they were flexible on it but we always had to have like our homework done and you know rather us be outside playing and all that stuff uh and so the only show that which has instilled your lifelong love of fitness yeah and homework i realized the other day my parents raised me on that reward level I'd go swimming and I'd get a Snickers to this day

I finish a show and I eat instantly, I get off the stage and I'm like I'm hungry, I did my thing I'd go I'd do my swimming lesson and I'd be like, where's my Snickers and I'd go for a walk and be like, can I get a hamburger now? And it's totally, it's a sad truth.

This is how it happens. If you raise your children that way. It's true. I used to have to do swimming lessons and then I was a terrible swimmer. For some reason, my upper body wouldn't help at all. Just a big kicker. So, but I like I could I can swim I won't drown but one year my mom signed me up for a swim team oh yeah

yeah and they all hated me because I'm not a fast swimmer never once did I attend one of their meets though even though I was supposed to we did it thanks mom when i lived back east we were i was a pickering dolphin uh sure and when we moved out here we joined a swim club in north end uh and uh i quit because they'd make us do push-ups like i'm not doing fucking push-ups i'll swim but yeah like i was a fat kid i don't want to get out of the pool and do push-ups in front of everybody that was was the thing, though. I knew some people that were heavier set, and they were tops on the swim team. They were amazing swimmers.

We float. We're buoyant. But that's what somebody said. We naturally float. But wouldn't the T-shirt slow them down? Yes. Good times. Good times. Good times.

Well, I think does that bring us to Oh, yeah. Does that bring us to term? As they say. Well, I've had amazing amounts of fun. Darcy, thank you for coming out.

Thanks for having me. Do you have anything you want to plug? I'm going I might yuck yucks in a couple weeks I think That's a good plug

June 5th to 7th Darjeel Michael at the Yuck Yucks Downtown Vancouver Yeah with Matt Billen Very funny comic from Alberta Now living in Toronto And Jai Harris He's a comic from here in Vancouver.

He's got red hair. And currently wearing his hat sideways. Currently or always? No, I don't know. He didn't always wear a hat. And lots of times the hat was face forward. But now he's gone to the left. Everything in your collection.

I think he has a new girlfriend dressing him now. Oh, does he? Yeah, I think so. According to his Facebook profile. Oh, yeah, he is in love. He is in love. He's in big love. Is it a different girlfriend than before?

I don't know. I don't keep up to date. If somebody's Facebook status is something along the lines of, you know... John Harris is boning this lady. No, if it's anything about relationships I tend to ignore it but if it's something that I find immediately funny or fascinating then I'll look but otherwise I don't

if you start dating a girl I'll ask you because you're the only single one yeah at what point uh do you is it a mutual thing that you uh yeah yeah yeah I uh my sister was dating a guy and sent he uh Is it a mutual thing that you make a Facebook announcement?

My sister was dating a guy and he changed his relationship status a little quicker than she would have liked. Yeah, no, it's something you would ask the girl or guy. It's the new I love you. Yeah, you would say, I want to update it to a relationship. I want to take this to the next level on Facebook. I don't want to move in yet, but let's move in online. It is something you'd ask, I think. I would say,

can you put, it's complicated? Yeah. I don't want to close any doors just yet. Not quite sure. I haven't settled on you. Who agrees to it's complicated? That's true, too. Yeah.

Do they both have to put it's complicated? For it to show up with the name on it? One can be like, it's complicated. No, but I've never seen it where it's complicated. I've come across them. You've seen that? I've seen that, yeah. There's some freaky people out there, Grant Clark.

No, I know it. Don't I know it. I'm out there in the wild, my friend. They're not all like Grandpa. My dog has passed out. And I'm sure the listener has as well. If you want to email us, send us an email at stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com. We'd love to do your review.

And thanks for tuning in. And we have a recap blog at stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com. It is. I'm not coming back. My name is Graham Clark and Dave Shumka. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for coming out to your house where you live. Everybody, thanks for listening.

Stop podcasting yourself.