Stop Podcasting Yourself - Stop Podcasting Yourself - ep.4

Episode Date: March 21, 2008

Comedian, writer, and sketch performer Charlie Demers contributes to the slumber party atmosphere of this episode. He also contributes a stirring "Celebrity Odds" bumper. More "Overheard" and introducing "Paxton or Pullman."

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Woo! Hello, everybody, and welcome to the fourth edition of the Mondo, I think, mega-fantastic. Stop podcasting yourself. Picking up steam.

Here it is. My name's Graham Clark, and with me, as always, is my good buddy, Mr. Dave Shumka. Hi there. And with us in Dave's study today are our super fantastic guests, not just a comic, not just a writer, not just a sketch artiste, but now a published author. Soon to be published author. I haven't seen a book. Yeah, exactly. He's no Bill Clinton. Please welcome Mr. Charlie Demers is our guest today.

Thank you very much for having me. Thanks for coming down, Charlie. And yeah, this is it. Number four. Yeah. Number four in a series of 1,200. I'm really excited about this one. Yeah, this is going to be good.

Yeah. Charlie and I spent the day together. Yeah. You brought beer, which I think we figured out was one of the key ingredients. Yeah, maybe you bring your own beer next time. Okay. All right. You got a fridge, right?

True. We can go splitzy. I think I bought $10 worth of Pop Rocks last week. That's true. Never mind. I'm out of a beer O2. But unfortunately, I ate it. Did you eat all of them?

Oh, man. I love the stuff. Do you know what? I was in Comox, and I found bubblegum flavor. Of Pop Rocks? Of Pop Rocks. I think they make, because it's Easter this week, I don't know if you guys mentioned this or if you're trying not to

alienate or Jewish listeners or date it. Great. Now they know when this was recorded. So it's Easter 2012 this weekend. Got you guys covered. People in 2011, what? How? Oh, the internet. 12 this weekend. Got you guys covered. They do.

People in 2011. What? How? Oh, the internet. They do mini eggs, Pop Rocks. Oh, yeah. No, they're not Pop Rocks. They're just like, I don't know if they're, they're not sponsored by the Pop Rocks Corporation.

Oh, by the way, we should mention our sponsor. We just landed a sponsor for our show. Yep. From now on, it will be Cool Ranch Presents. Stop podcasting yourself. The Cool Ranch Corporation liked what we did, and they're subsidiaries. I'm really happy to have been on the first CRC imprinted edition. Yeah, man.

I mean, the Cool Ranch Corporation has brought us a lot of stellar products. Is it products to call it the crc i just know that like at the shareholder meetings and stuff like my dad i know my dad they shrink it down a lot of crc ranch stock uh i used to work on a television show about rally racing and uh it was the canadian rally championships we called that the crc really yeah but i mean anybody on the street knows that it's the cool ranch corporation yeah well it was like kfc like it was around the same time because kfc was kind of dropping chicken because people were moving towards uh away from chicken towards you know

why that actually happened no kfc this is this is for real this is for reals i'm making a face i know because you think it's not for reals but here's the thing a lot of people thought that they dropped kentucky fried chicken because it had the word fried in it. And everybody was going on this health kick, so they thought that's a bad name. But, actually, Kentucky trademarked their name because of the Kentucky Derby. So anybody who used Kentucky would have to pay a royalty to Kentucky. So they just dropped it completely. The reason I was rolling my eyes...

KFC's got shallow pockets. They don't make a lot. They make like half a sandwich. Because the urban legend is that there's no chicken in it. You can't legally call it chicken. Oh, there it is. That's where I thought you were going with it. And then I was going to make as a joke,

like, it's actually not made in Kentucky. The people at the Cool Ranch Corporation feel that our show needs some facts and some direction. And that's what I was trying to provide. And a lot of people don't realize a lot of the big reason that a lot of people, you know, we always used to call the province British Columbia, but now it's always BC, BC, BC. I call it British C. Columbia. That's what I call it.

Now, same thing because of the Columbia Derby, which is a cocaine race. Even though they spell it differently? Yeah. Like C plus. No, sorry. Now, same thing because of the Columbia Derby, which is a cocaine race. Even though they spell it differently? Yeah. No, sorry. The district of Columbia. No, the university. Oh, okay. Wow.

No, you're racistly assumed that because I said cocaine that I was talking about the Latin American narco state. The Brooklyn hipsters. I meant the narco university. Narcolepsy? I could never stay awake during my lectures. We can edit that out. Of course we don't. We're so funny today.

We are. So should we lay right into it? Yeah, get to know us. Let's get to know us. Get to know us. All right uh who wants to start i think honestly i think our guest probably should we save him for last because it sounds like he's got yeah let's start with me okay and the tail is the operative word but we'll get to that a few things happened to me this week uh first of all i played in a perfect storm of i i played a show a comedy show i didn't do you call it playing i don't call it playing uh i did a comedy show i call it riffing in a perfect storm of uh terribleness

and uh it was in the absolute worst place to play a show. Not the absolute worst, because I'm sure you both have played worse shows. But this was at a sports bar on Monday during St. Patrick's Day, during a hockey game. Whoa. A block away from the hockey arena. Where the game was being held. Yes. And we were in a little room on the side.

I don't want to name the show, but you both... And we shouldn't say that our guest used to run the show there. I started the show there. We shouldn't say that. Yeah, but you don't claim ownership of it. Well, I do claim prescience at having made an early exit. Yeah, well played although in fairness it has moved to a smaller alcove of the location which i had said at the time if they would let me do the show there

i would keep doing the show so apparently it still is awful yeah uh well well dave's gonna tell us this was so bad because uh people like there were maybe six, at the most, eight people watching the show at a time. Between six and eight. We have no way of knowing when you're dealing with numbers like that. One of us proposed seven and it was shot down. But people would come and go. But people would come and go. And the worst part was, every time they opened the door to the alcove, you would hear the best party going on outside.

Everybody's just like, there's confetti flying through the door. It was like you had been sent to bed early and your parents had, what's going on down there? That's awesome. Yeah, it was pretty great. Outstanding. The other thing that happened to me this week, I developed a really great Borat impression. Just in time. Yeah.

So I hope that's still useful. Can we hear it? Yeah. Here's wowity, wowity, sex time. Let's do high fives. High fives. I like your impression. No, you're good. Yeah. I high fives. High fives. I like your impression. No, you're good. He is good.

Shagadelic, baby. Yeah. That's coming back. Too soon. It's due for us. And I also shaved my beard. Yeah. A little disappointed, to be honest.

I'm sorry to hear that. We are all disappointed. I think I have a beautiful face. I was disappointed at you across the room when I first saw you I gave you a sign I gave you a mustache finger under the nose mustache sign I thought you meant I stunk from across the room

I thought you had just been finger banged yeah smell my finger not had been finger banged why would your fingers think if you had been finger banged here's the thing I had just finger-banged? Here's the thing. I just finger-banged myself, and I was trying to indicate that to Dave through a complicated series of hand motions. I thought you were trying not to sneeze.

Because he's allergic to finger-banging. I love that we've brought in the word finger-banging. Sorry. No, I think it's great. I don't know what it means. Because I haven't used it since I was nay but this high to a finger banged grasshopper. The Cool Ranch Corporation is

totally going to pull its sponsorship. This is what they wanted. More facts and finger banging from their FNF division. I don't know what finger banging is. Just in case my parents are listening. Okay. I really hope my parents don't listen. I hope my parents do.

That would be... My dad's deaf, so... Awesome. This is... So, how was your week, G-Wad? G-Wad. Can I call you G-Wad? Please.

All the time. I went to Comox, B.C. Oh. Entertained some of our... Troops. At the Air Force Base. Oh, B.C. Oh. To entertain some of our troops at the Air Force Base. Oh, it was troops. Yeah. Actually, I did go and entertain some of our troops. Entertain some of our, I was like, this will be funny, and we'll say troops.

Yeah. Fine, because it was funny and accurate. That's the second time in the show so far. First Kentucky, now this. Can we talk over each other more? Yes. Sorry. Whoa.

Some of us are new to the podcast yeah well the listeners aren't that's true we've got our 30 what is it 35 you know uh we've had 65 downloads 65 spread out over three episodes that's what i'm talking about when i post this that's 20 per we're gonna 20 per buddy, Dave's dad just got his 64th computer. I wasn't allowed to wear hats at the second time. Second time for you? Yeah, didn't feel good. Didn't like it.

Did not do well. Was it in the Legion? It was in their mess hall. And so you're not allowed uh hats i don't know why uh but uh and then i got corralled into some conversation uh between this like there was a break and there was some military uh woman that i think mostly mostly woman uh cornered me should you be running against obama right now she was all but she was very uh could really kick my ass and kind of knew it you know so like i

suddenly i kind of felt like how girls feel like at a dance club when like there's just like a bunch of like moosey guys around them that are like hey what'd you do what are you doing later it was like that i was like all intimidated she's like why are your shoes so shiny and i'm like i shine the isn't she supposed to be making people shine their shoes i know she's really on me why are you so good at dropping and giving me 20 she kept calling me shiny shoes like that was an insult in the army ranks like that fucking shiny shoes citizen with this so i did that were you wearing your civvies i was wearing beetle boots which was dumb you don't wear that to an army liberating afghanistan with that kind of sheen on your shoes al-qaeda sees you coming from three

miles away we don't think to you hippie folk with your skiffle shoes. So that was weird. And then... A friend of mine used to work at the Air Force Museum in Comox. That's got to be like right on the same... Adjuncted to the, I believe, to the Air Force Base. And it was weird at the end of the night. There was a lot of guys that hung out. We were drinking and they were fun.

And there was one guy from Newfoundland that, for the life of myself and eric and singers in a jp mass all were trying to figure out what he was saying but all the only word that kept coming up every sentence was boy right so it was something something something boy i don't buy but but and but you just sat and i i think we had about a 45 minute conversation with him him. And then we'd try. We'd estimate what he said. Like, yeah. Scary. Yeah, boy.

Bye. Bye. Sweet thundering Jesus. On Monday, my dad was in town, and we went drinking. How's he doing? I realized where I like to drink from. He's good at it. Really good at it.

It was getting to the midnight hour. I'm like, Dad, I've got to wake up at 6 in the morning. He's like to drink from. He's good at it. Really good at it. It was getting in the midnight hour. I'm like, Dad, I got to wake up at six in the morning. He's like, come on. Really? I never thought in my youth that I would ever be peer pressured by my dad into, of all things, drinking. It seems like my life has really taken a full circle. I feel like I've landed in a nice place. Where before I'd have to admit that I was peer pressured into drinking.

And now I'm like, who would I admit it to? It's my dad. Maybe my mom. Guess who was around? What did your dad think about finger banging? Well, his thesis in university was pro. But he's an older guy now. Things change.

Remember when you could major in anything finger banging in society major finger bang is the name of the lady who wouldn't get off his back about the shiny shoes silly like an animal that whole segment felt right um charlie let's get to know charlie because something happened to you this week that i don't think, Dave, has this ever happened to you? No. Me neither. Let's hear about it. I have a friend who... His name's Dave S.

I have a friend who, he has candida. It's like a yeast problem in his body all right so he's been trying to like get not being very candida right now uh candida is that the best of all possible things to have in your body am i right voltaire reference um one of those tonight sorry the only philosophers i know are the ones that have characters named after them on lost and the philosopher kings um uh anyway it's anyway the point of the story is through a series of people who all had good experiences with colonics i ended up plunking down the 80 bones 80 bones yeah wow where do you go

i like is it a clinic or making a joke within it the name of the place cool ranch the swedish touch it's called happy colon it is an actual i don't clinic? What do you call it? Is their logo one of those emoticons? No, it's just Colin Powell. Giving like a thumbs up. And it's, you go in, and they go in to you. Wait, slow down. Yeah, I'm confused. Who goes in first? What it is, a colon. Yeah, I'm confused. Who goes in first?

What it is, a colonic basically, I hate working blue on podcasts. We have an explicit tag for a reason. We don't call it blue. We call it Greg Kettner. So go ahead. That's an inside joke on a podcast.

I liked it. Dave didn't at all. Dave's thinking episode number four is gonna have to be reshot basically you go in and they lay you down I swear to god basically for those who don't know what a colonic is it's essentially

they put a tube in your bottom and put your feet and put and put clean water inside you that would be the worst if it was like sprite well at one point she did put chlorophyll in oh god I thought you meant chloroform she's trying to do your ass fell asleep chlorophyll make plans green doesn't it yeah yeah and so they put it in it's like it's like

it's like a vitamin but anyway so the idea is like it by filling you full of water it'll flush out the stuff that you have not been able to get out of your body right so one it doesn't flush out your mouth right they don't fill you up and then it comes out that way. No, no, no. Because that would be horrendous. Literally, they fill until you say, okay, this hurts. And then they release. It goes the other way and the water comes back out.

Jesus Christ. So, you don't actually have to get up off the table and go, like, take a dump or something. At some point, you do, yeah. Really? You go and you go, okay, I need to use need to use gravity now wow so it's a crazy sensation one she has boxers for you with a whole a big circle like your ass cape joke so you put it on the front ways and you were like, check this out. And they're all, no, that's not what it's about. Yeah, it's not, which relieved me because I was like, you're going to stick a tube where?

And, but apparently my body was so dehydrated. Apparently if you take a lot of over-the-counter pills, and I actually take, I recently got off like a big prescription that I was taking for, like, three years. Right. And if you take a lot of, like, ibuprofen or Tylenol or whatever, it has the effect of really drying up your insides. Right. And half the water that she put up, my body just absorbed.

Wow. Which is, she was like, yeah, you really, so anyway, I'm supposed to go back at the beginning of April. So they just keep pumping it in, and they're like, this should be hurting at some point. Yeah. But all you hear is like... You got the Paris to Dakar rally going on in there. And then all of a sudden, you just hear this sound. Just like, yeah.

Okay, so that was a whole tank. And we're not cracking a new tank. No. I think I saw a mirage. I love it when Dave slips into his kind of like late 80s Dennis Miller. You know what I'm saying? Because normally clowns are sad. I mean, no, clowns are happy.

I fuck with them. But anyway. Usually it's humans playing poker. Yeah. You got that, Babalu? So, yeah, that's... Now, like, you get to know, I think... Ah, we got to know.

We got to know you. ...too much. No, that's not right. I don't know that we really got to know you, but... We got to know an aspect. So do you want to move along? Let's... Well, yeah.

Want to ship it up? We'll be right back. All right. Over back. All right. Overheard. All right. This segment, if you've never heard it before, is dedicated to overhearing things that are hilarious in nature. And then possibly a discussion follows.

We'll see how it goes. But Dave has two things to be overheard. On a bus, in a supermarket lineup, video store, whatever. Whatever. And I have two. Charlie? Any? I'm searching, but don't worry about it if you don't.

I tried to actually, because I knew that there was this segment, and I tried to find them. I had a whole thing that I had overheard once written down in an old moleskin. Right. About like this, the most hilarious conversation in the world. But I don't even remember what it was about. Ah, sorry. But I'm sorry. All right.

Dave, do you want to start? Should I start? I'll start. Okay. G-Wad. I've got to come up with a nickname for you now. Why not D-Wad? All right, D-Wad.

D-Wad, how about Elizabeth Schumka? Nothing. All right, go ahead. All right. Elizabeth Schumka is what I was going with. Elizabeth Schumka. Elizabeth Schumka. All right, that's your next one.

The old lady who lives in a Schumka. Boo. You know, I'm a guest. Yeah. Well, why don't you... Never mind. Deliver. So, our mailman comes to the house roughly once a day and delivers mail.

Those twice a day days are memorable. Yeah. He screwed up. I forgot these. These Victoria's Secret catalogs. I've been hiding them under my mattress. Sorry. I forgot these for the past decade.

What's with our voices? Anywho. I'm kidding. Pick. That was a sound effect, I think. Pick a caricatured ethnicity and run with it. No, we just muddled them all together. Hey.

Actually, our mailman is, I would say, South Asian. Brown-skinned. Possibly Bangladeshi. Anyway, yeah, so every day he delivers mail and sometimes we leave our blue box

under the overhang in front of the door because it collects water in in our unrainy days and but it blocks the mail slot and so he'll move it and deliver the mail uh and i guess he got fed up with this because i was sitting at the computer the other day and i just overhear at about noon a voice outside go, Jesus, take a hint! And then I hear a bang and our mail gets delivered

and I go out a little bit later and the blue box, the recycling box, is halfway across our yard. He's just fed up and he chucked it. Jesus, take a hint! Wow. Mail people, I think they do get uh why they get super angry because i had a similar thing at my house where we put a note on the on our little mailbox

that just said fuck you mailman eat a dick um we just put a thing that said like had a list of all the names because we're getting mail from like eight tenants ago oh yeah so we just put the list of names this person this person this person do not live here and the mail person like ripped it off and put it like you know like crumpled up through another ground i was like so then we put it back up again because i was like well surely that was a mistake because i typed this up and put tape and like laminated it so that it was up on the thing. And then the second time and then when I ran into her, I don't even know if it was the same person. But I said, why can't I put a thing that says don't deliver this mail?

And she gave me a thing that it's like a government situation. Like that mailbox is not my property. And I can't just decorate it however which way I want. Because it's one of those like there's many suites where I live, right? So it's not like silver box situation. So it's not like it couldn't be like silver box, silver box, hilarious, you know, windmill box. I can't do that. I love the idea of being a mailman. Yeah.

No, I believe the term is letter carrier i would be a mailman personally yeah they deliver mail yeah and i was a man when i did it most often men most of mine would be one if i was one yeah that's true you like the idea i just thought because mailman sounds redundant it is super duper hard to become a letter care mailman whatever because everybody wants to do it because you start really late like you start at 10 and you're done by like two and all you do is just walk in a neighborhood yeah it's really like but honestly the list of people competing for it is like a mile long you could be on a waiting list for years but i like the idea. If I could just be a mailman and tell jokes at night and get the occasional pussy, right?

On the side. Deliver it. Be like, yeah, I'm going to put this in your silver box. I call it silver box because it's the second best one I had this year. I like that

you stuck with an ethnicity on that all the way through. Commit. Blue box. When I was in high school. I haven't seen blue box since I was in Eskimo territory.

Ouch. Zing. When I was in high school, I thought my two dream jobs were mailman and bus driver. But bus driver seems terrible. It seems like super shitty now. Oh, but it's not.

I don't think. You know what? I think when I was a kid, I really wanted to be a milkman. Yeah. But they don't really have those anymore. They're kind of... My parents get milk delivered.

Yeah, I knew a guy from Avalon Dairy, and he was really cool, and he had his own truck, and they delivered it in the bottles, like old-timey. Maybe my future still has that. I knew a milkman. He was like an independent milkman, though.

And he wanted to... He wants my wife's milk. And so... I got milk like you can't even believe. I got stork milk. They don't even give milk. It's crazy. He needed crates for his milk.

But because he was independent, he didn't have them. So he used to just steal them from DJs. Whoa. That was a good... that was a really good setup it was totally worth it i know i was trying i was like trust me fellas it's not a true story though i'm i'm yeah so gullible isn't it like the idea of a guy like he's probably got the milkman hat but but then he's wearing cargo pants. Hey, Graham, what'd you over here? Oh, man. Ouch. No, we like it. But we get it. Dave is so hostile.

We got it. Okay, I was on the bus, and it was two ladies were trying. This is my favorite thing, and I probably have multiple overheards like this, but this was the most recent that I can remember, is when people are trying to guess an actor or an actress, and you know what the answer is, but you can't just intrude and be like, oh, Whoopi Goldberg. Like, you can't, right?

So they were going back and forth. They're like, and the one's giving clues to the other one, and the other one's throwing out possibilities of who it is, right? You know, like, she's got blonde hair and then then the next clue this is where i like really tuned in but she goes uh she won the oscar and the other lady goes denise richards oh yeah from the james bond movie from starship troopers. That was it. But she won it for Undercover Brother, I think. We know a lot of her work. So I enjoyed that.

Who was it? You know what? I don't know because I only tuned in and blonde hair, she won an Oscar. I'm guessing Charlize Theron. I was thinking it was Meryl Streep.

Does she have blonde hair? No, because then it would have been she won the Oscars. Yeah, she's more famous. Well, I don't think we were dealing with two intellectual heavyweights. No, that's true. The first guest out of the gates was Denise Richards. Well, that sort of reminded me on the bus overheard of a potential overheard.

All right. Well, it was these two women. This was years ago, though. Yeah, well, they don't have to be current. Well, they were studying, obviously, for some kind of government issue thing. To become a mailman? Well, it could have been. So they were reading from some pamphlet.

And you know how those things have hypotheticals in them? So they're like, it said, Muhammad goes to the store. And the woman, she stopped. She was like, Muhammad, what happened to names like Dave? It's the most popular name in the world what a crazy topsy-turvy world we live in like it was like an equivalent but uh let me stop you right there muhammad unless you're a boxer fantastic i don't even think i think that was a great round of overheard i don't think we have to go all right do we don't have to go two rounds on that no that's what i've been telling you you're a good producer dave what uh where do we want to go next we'll be right back

awesome Celebrity, celebrity odds. So worth it. So worth it. All right. We're moving. Do it. Celebrity odds. Welcome.

Oh, sorry. Never mind. Don't worry about it. It's the second edition. We used to do Celebrity Death Pool. We've moved on to Celebrity Odds. Twice. Twice.

Three times. We didn't wait for it to be a lady. That's right. Twice. Three times. We didn't wait for it to be a lady. That's right. Celebrity odds. Dave and I, and I don't know, Charlie, you can feel free to jump in any point if one strikes you. Where we've compiled a list of things

that may or may not happen, but we figure out what the odds on them actually happening are. I like it. That basically explains it. I have a few. Dave, you have one. So should I start? Do you want to start?

I'll start. Yeah, it's your pet project. It's not really. I enjoy it, though. It is my pet monster. Okay, first off, okay, odds. And see, when I say them, you actually have to figure out how likely you think it's going to happen. You don't have to say likely or unlikely.

I don't know odds. Well, yeah, you can say likely or unlikely. Oh, right. But you have to give me why. Okay. Yeah. All right. Star Jones.

Right. Star Jones Reynolds. Star Jones. But we're just going to call her Star Jones for the purpose of this. Star Jones and the band Sugar Jones. Not a band anymore. I knew it was going to be Jones related. We'll launch a motivational tour

sponsored by Jones Cola. Anybody? Unlikely. Why? Sugar Jones doesn't exist anymore. One of the girls from Sugar Jones is married to Remy Shand. Oh, really?

Another one had a solo song on, I want to say, Urban Rush or some, maybe, Eat Talk Daily. An equivalent. Oh, she is on Eat Talk Daily. Oh, I don't know. Okay. I think that it's, I agree that it's on the list. I would say like 100 to 1 because Star and Sugar, for some reason, like it makes you think of Kool-Aid and then Jones, like Jonestown. Oh, yeah.

Whoa. Hey, yeah. Okay. So two. That's why I think they can't. Well. I always get Sugar Jones mixed up with the Lofters. Oh, yeah. Remember the Lofters. Oh, yeah.

Remember the Lofters? Yeah. Yeah. Those were more innocent times. That was when television aimed at morons was an art form. I just watched Much Music's coverage of Spring Break. Yep. And I felt awful afterwards.

Did you watch it? No. It made me feel awful about being a human being. You can't even watch much music anymore. It's like the whole plastic. You guys are old. I still get much music. I don't think I ever did. Now looking back, I'm like

did I ever understand this? When Bill Lewitschko was there, I think we all understood it a little better. Outlaws and heroes. Yeah, they did a whole thing about stars and plastic surgery or whatever. Yeah. And it was one of these comedians driving down the price of comedy thing where 15 comedians do terrible jokes for $100.

And it made me want to kill myself. Yeah, it's horrible. It was really horrible, the spring break thing I watched yesterday. It made me feel really sad. But I was actually thinking about the Lofters. If you don't remember, there was a show on the Life Network, I want to say, called The Lofters, and it was like a Big Brother type show. Before Big Brother came around.

They had eight people, because I remember it was u8tv.com or something. That's right. And 24 hours a day coverage of these eight people, because I remember it was u8tv.com or something. That's right. And 24 hours a day coverage of these eight people living in a loft. Did you ever watch the lofters? No. Oh. But for Canadian TV to have that much coverage and 24 hour a day promotion, it was remarkable when you think about Canadian TV today. And not only that, one of the girls went on to be, she now does sports.

She's on ESPN or TSN? TSN. She's on TSN. And the other one regularly crops up. You know who I'm talking about? Nope. The one with the glasses, the Greek one? Nope.

Okay. She crops up all the time. Denise Richards? Yes. She won the Oscar. When I was attending the British Columbia Institute of Technology In the television media communications program We did a tour of TV stations in the interior of BC and Alberta

And we went to Red Deer And the weather girl in Red Deer was one of the lofters Oh really? The red-headed opera singer I remember her. Yeah. Do you remember when Swallow Members stopped by the loft? That was an episode to remember.

No. It's sad about, like, so this was before, it was a Canadian show, but it was before Big Brother. It was before Big Brother hit America. I think Big Brother was big in Europe. It was around that time, though. around that europe though because we make up so many things in this country that then get either axed or like you're not able to fully do them right or they get watered down so that everyone can watch them and then the same thing that they were supposed to be shows up in the states like 10 years later i cannot wait i feel jealous till amer America picks up J-Pod. That's all I'm saying. That is going to be a big show.

All right. Here's my next celebrity odd. Given the number of female celebrities snapped without underwear, the phrase, snapping a clam, will become quite popular amongst the paparazzi. 100% likely. You think that's very likely. Especially when they hear this. Yeah.

Snapping a clam will become. Okay. All right. Nothing better to do. That's a 100%. That's definitely likely. Because we're going to, I think all three of us leave here today. And snap a clam.

Snap a clam. Well, or at least try and get it started. Okay. All right. Or get retarded. Raven Simone will lend her face or image. Or clam. Or clam to a line of cereals called That's So Raisin.

Now, it doesn't necessarily have to be a cereal. It could be any product, but That's So, something that sounds like Raven. What do you think? Cliff Clavin? That is so Cliff Clavin. We gotta do something with that. Could that be a bit?

That's So Clavin. That could be a thing. On MADtv, at the very least. We looked up the top 100 box office stars of all time just now. Number 10. Number 10 all time. His movies have made the 10th most amount of money. I guess I'm not explaining it right.

Yeah, because I think it's a stretch to call any of those movies his movies. Right. Well, and that's the problem with those kinds of lists. Yeah. But go on. Finish your thing. But John Ratzenberger, the guy who played Cliff Clavin, is the number 10 highest grossing box office star of all time. What people don't realize is those Boston pizza commercials were fucking huge in Latin

America. Hugely influential, too. All their commercials look like that now. It's all a guy in a trench coat investigating products. You know my favorite line? I can attribute this to Dylan Reimer. When Howie Mandel used to do the Boston Pizza commercials, he was watching them.

Hello. And he goes through the restaurant and he's harassing customers. And Dylan's line on it when he was watching it is, the sad thing is that Howie doesn't know he's being filmed. He's just at a Boston Pizza somewhere harassing people. What are you eating there? What is that? What is that, pizza? All right.

Here's a... I wrote scripts for a Boston Pizza conference. Oh, that's right. That involved a comedian I cannot name. No, but I know who it is. But that is universally respected. That's called money, buddy. It's called money.

That's what it's all about. Why does Boston pizza have such big pockets? Dude, they're huge. I love their lasagna. They are huge. Are you lying? No, I do. I think their pizza is the grossest. Yeah, I only eat their lasagna. They are huge. Are you lying? No, I do. I think their pizza is the grossest.

Yeah, I only eat their lasagna. I don't know. They had a Thai pizza that was, instead of tomato sauce, it was like satay peanut sauce. It was pretty fucking tasty. I call that the world's deadliest, or Graham's deadliest pizza. I was allergic to peanut sauce. Oh, that's right. No one's mildly allergic to peanuts.

We used to go for date nights to Boston Pizza. Did you ever have the heart-shaped pizza? No, we never did. We've since switched to Red Robin. Yeah, that is a place for a date night. If we had TGI Fridays, you would go there, right? We do. Why would you?

If you had a heart-shaped pizza, that's like if they were lung-shaped cigarettes. It's like the message is not getting through remember what you're ruining colon shapes it's gonna stay there a while all right i don't like the other ones that i wrote so let's move over to yours uh well one actually jane stanton last week's guest kind of hilarious comedian all Alright. I'll be like that. I'm terrible. She told me last night that she had something for the celebrity

death pool, but she didn't I guess she didn't have the guts. Didn't have the guts. Here it is. And she thought that a celebrity death she wanted to add to the celebrity death pool was Suri Cruz. Suri Cruz. Oh, the baby.

The baby. Jesus. The baby Cruise mauled to death by Paris Hilton's Chihuahua Tinkerbell. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Likely. Because they hang out, don't they?

Yeah. Paris Hilton and Cruises. Speaking of snapping a clam. Brought to you by snapping a clam lager. That's terrible no Paris Hilton Paris Hilton

Jesus Christ speaking of Paris Hilton and did you have another one? my only celebrity odd that I came up with was Paris Hilton well a Paris Hilton's friend

Nicole Richie is married to married? yep yeah one of the good Charlotte fellas Joel

Joel or Benji or Bruce Madden or John Madden. John Madden. Football Hall of Famer John Madden. The air is electric outside of Nicole Ritchie. Whoa, that's a tight

fit. I don't even get it. Now Paris Hilton is dating the other brother, Madden. That is one simple life. Ended on that.

I think I have an odd. What are the odds that the Viper Room in Los Angeles will put in a hot tub and call it the Celebrity Death Pool. Buzang. We'll be right back.

Well done. Take it or leave it. Take it or leave it. Take it. Alright, that of course means it's time for Take It or Leave It, which... Yeah, go ahead, explain it. Well, we had a segment two shows ago, I think.

It was called Take It or Leave It. Where we figured out what you could take or leave. Yeah, it was a question of taste. For example, we did one like... It was a shit. A shit? You would was a shit. A shit. You would take a shit. But.

But you would also, if you found a shit, you would leave a shit. You would leave a shit. I don't take no shit from nobody. Yeah, exactly. So it was a controversial one. That sounds controversial. But we didn't think that would have legs. So we've come up with more.

Should we do a bit called She she's got legs and it's just listing people who have legs and then when we get to heller mills we say only one whoa whoa fuck her all right she's like the most hated celebrity yeah i think i can take a chunk out of her hated so well somebody already has taken a chunk out of her whoa Whoa, hey. Oh, what the fuck? Okay, you just... That's all I do. You just admonish me and then do the exact same thing. That's a character we need. The audience member who goes,

oh, but then heckles back something way worse. That's great. So we've come up with a bunch of everyday phrases like I could take it or leave it. And I'm going to pitch them and try to fashion them into segments. Okay, here we go. This is a good idea for a segment. All right.

The first is called friend in need or friend indeed. Okay, here we go. And I named several of your friends. You tell me whether they're a friend indeed or just a friend in need. Now, wait a minute. When we say indeed, are we saying, like, they're a friend indeed? Or are we saying a friend indeed as in they've done something? Skip it.

I don't like this one. Or they own your house. And you can't speak honestly about the whiplash friend indeed unfortunately i don't know any of your friends he's the guy from woe ankle he always had a deed to do an orphanage um that's hilarious the next is chicken or the egg okay and i And I name several dishes and you decide if there's a chicken in it or the egg. Okay, go.

McMuffin. The egg. Rancheros. Oh, the egg. For sure. Yeah. Or the huevos. Yeah, the huevos. A la king. Chicken. Chicken. Alright. This isn't a tough one.

I don't think it has legs, Heather. I don't think this bit has legs. Rhyme or reason? I thought it was going to be rhyme or rhyme. I was like, this is so exciting. Sashimi. Lime. I can tell you something. You determine whether it

rhymes or if it is just a reason. Oh, I thought you were going to say if it rhymes or if it's reasonable. So if you're like, comfortable shoes, reasonable. $700 rent. Rhymes with Lent. 200 calories, reasonable. Because I said so Reason Alright

Tom, Dick, or Harry Here we go That's like where this is I say a name A last name And you tell me whether it's a Tom, Dick, or Harry Example Cruise

Tom Tom Yeah Connick Jr. Harry Yeah And the Hendersons harry smothers dick and tom nice well played although you cheated on that one i didn't well i cheated by life by working with yeah that's not they're your they're your colleagues they are my co-workers from work harry Colleagues. They are my co-workers. Tom and Dick from work. Harry.

Dick. Yes. Thank you. Nice. Good girl. I was like, Harry, Tom. No, I don't. This is like if the Sphinx had like a fucking anal complex or something like that.

By hook or by crook? I don't know what that is. How about like a painting that's all super shitty and scratched up? That's by hook. That one's by hook. But if he's overcharging for you... That's by crook. Yeah, I think that's as far as you can go with that bit. By nook or by cranny?

I don't think that's the expression. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Okay. By nook or by crook? By cranny? I don't think that's the expression. Oh, is that right? Yeah. Okay. By nook, by... Hell. By cranny. Hell or high water.

Oh, I like that. All right. How does the segment work? I name different places, and you tell me if they're hell or high water. Or what about this? What if you named a place, what if one of them you're like,

like Cranbrook, you're like hell. And then you're like, dirty water found in a bong. High water. See? Because they're never getting booked back in Cranbrook. No, that's my goal. I'm doing Cranbrook. You're going to hate it.

Hull. I know. What? Hull. Quebec. Brett. Oh, no shit. We're doing the thing. Hell or high water. Hull? Quebec. Brett. Oh, no, shit, we're doing the thing. Hell or high water.

Hull? Yeah. High water. I don't think it's called Hull anymore. I think it's Gatineau. Oh, okay. Thanks for trying. Shit.

My way or the highway. These are terrible. Oh, this could be the fastest way to get someplace. No, or what about this? My way or the highway? Frank Sinatra. My way. Yes, correct.

Yeah, wow. I thought that was an easy one. Okay, Steppenwolf. Highway. Yeah. ACDC. Highway. Highway.

No one else has done my way. Sammy Davis Jr. My way. Or like they say else has done My Way. Sammy Davis Jr. My Way. Or like they say in Spinal Tap, My Way, if Frank says so. Alright, how about this one? What was that? Spinal Tap.

It was Bruno Kirby. It was Bruno Kirby. Yeah, they should call the book, Yes, I Can, If Frank Says It's Okay. I love Rat Pack. call the book yes i can if frank says it's okay all right i love rat pack no that's rat pack i'm sorry rat pack that's what i meant anthony michael hall uh this is like a sleepover i feel like i've just laughed so much i'm gonna freeze dave's shirt when he falls asleep.

I'm going to whisper pancakes in his ear. I didn't know how the trick worked, so I just pissed on your hand. Different strokes or different folks? Oh, yeah. I like this. Gary Coleman. Different strokes. Emmanuel Lewis. Different folks. Yeah. Albert Hamm I like this. Gary Coleman. Different strokes. Emmanuel Lewis. Different folks.

Albert Hammond Jr.'s side project. Different folks. Different strokes. Whoa, ouch. Alan Thicke composed theme songs. Different strokes. I didn't know that. Yes. That's where Robin Thicke got his talent.

Did he write the theme for J-Pod? I'm so hungry. What's good for some J-Pod's ain't good. He also did Facts of Life. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse or I need to piss like a race horse. All right. Or my kingdom for a horse.

Really, anything. Hung like a horse. All right. That's pretty good. William Hung. Like a horse? What was the other one? Take a horse to water. And the final one is what Graham came up with.

Was Pullman or Paxton? I said it, Paxton or Pullman or Paxton or Pullman or Paxton. Okay, all right. So Pullman or Paxton is where we are given a word, a phrase, a thing, and we decide if it's fundamentally more Bill Pullman or more Bill Paxton. I love it. Go ahead. Now, I've never had a problem telling them apart. A lot of people do, though. Yeah, I understand it. Go ahead. Now, I've never had a problem telling them apart.

A lot of people do, though. Yeah, I understand that. But as I was making the list today, I was labeling each of these with the right answer, and I was putting the wrong names on them. So it is. It's weird because they don't actually look alike. No. Like, if you saw them in the same room, you wouldn't screw them up.

But just the movies are all, they've all just kind of been like that guy in that movie middling successes yeah and they're both the same age and they kind of have the same like general look but let's try it baltimore whoa paxton pullman fuck is that where they're from uh no is that a movie what is In Sleepless in Seattle, his character lives in Baltimore with Meg Ryan. Nice. Okay, this is good. Because I was going to say Paxton because HBO, The Wire, set in Baltimore, Big Love on HBO. Right. I don't think Big Love is on HBO.

Yeah, that's where it started. I think it is. I thought it was on Showtime. We don't get those channels around here. Showtime is the only way to get HBO stuff in Canada. No, that's where it started. I think it is. I thought it was on Showtime. We don't get those channels around here. Showtime is the only way to get HBO stuff in Canada. No, that's Showcase. I think Big Love is Showtime. You know what?

It doesn't matter. It's true. Your logic was right. It was Paxton. Nope, Pullman. No, it was Pullman. Logic was sound. Answer was wrong.

Pullman Sleeping Car Porters. Knuckles. Jesus. logic was sound answer was pullman sleeping car porters uh knuckles jesus whoa that's got to be pullman paxton it was paxton according to his imdb page one of his nicknames is knuckles paxton shit this is way harder than i thought it would be but i really there's room for uh debate yeah yeah okay for instance science fiction oh that's totally pullman that's pullman because of space balls yeah and independence day totally yeah he was the president oh was he yeah but paxton was in predator 2 aliens and Aliens, and Apollo 13, plus Weird Science and Terminator.

In fairness, Apollo 13, having been based on a true story, was not quite science fiction. What was he in Terminator? I don't know. Terminator 1 or 2? 1. Yeah, the science fiction one. Yeah, that was true.

You got another one? That was more for debate. That was a tough one. But I would agree, Pullman. I think it's made greater contributions. Greater strides. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bronze Wrangler.

That's the second one today. What? Laugh farts. I didn't laugh fart. I sneezed. Oh, sorry. Dude, I would have announced it. I'll be the judge of that.

And we edited out the laugh farts because you couldn't sing. No, okay. So let's just, okay. Ask again that last one. Sorry. Bronze Wrangler. That's Pullman. That's got Pullman all over it.

Bronze Wrangler. You're right. I looked up on their IMDB page. It lists how many awards and nominations they've got bill pullman's got uh like 13 nominations uh sorry bill paxton's yeah like 13 does not bill pullman has won one award the bronze wrangler award what is it for i don't really know. It was for a Western movie. It's really unfair to Bill Paxton that he gets...

Because they're completely... You think Bill Paxton's in a different league? Well, he works consistently on fairly big stuff. But it's like if you took Independence Day and you put Bill Paxton in the role of the president... It would be okay, yeah. Yeah, well, you wouldn't even notice that they made the switch. Same thing with Twister and Pullman. Seriously.

That's probably true. I mean, if he replaced Helen Hunt. I mean, all of their roles, it's not like Paul Reiser. I think it would have been a good Mad About You movie. We're storm chasers. But I'm neurotic. I'm going to hide under this bench not so much

Murray, Murray come here and Hesh was on that show too and what was his brother the guy that was balding Ira I think I just saw a cow I'm gonna go out there and hunt this not so much

tell me why fish heads cow. I'm gonna go out there and hunt this. Not so much. Tell me why. Fish heads. Paxton. Paxton. Paxton. Totally. I don't know why, though. He wrote it. That was totally instinctive. The song? Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads? Yeah, that's Bill Paxton. Fuck me! He's got levels. Yeah. All of a sudden

Bill Paxton is like a whole other... I thought you were talking about literal fish heads. Have you ever heard that song? Yeah. Fish heads. He wrote that? I don't know that he necessarily wrote it, but yeah, he wrote it. But that song?

He's prominent in the video. He's one of the producers of it. Fuck me. Wow. And who do you think is sexier? Oh, well. I think Paxton takes it. Really?

I think Pullman. Pullman's got like a rugged, all-American dreamboat. The problem is because an early thing, like Spaceballs is what I think of him as being in. So because he's in a spoof as his first thing, he's like a spoof handsome guy. So I always think of him as a less handsome Han Solo. That's why I'm not attracted to Daphne Zuniga. Exactly.

Or Mel Brooks. Daphne Zuniga, she was on Melrose Place. She was in Spaceballs. She was Princess. Oh, right, okay. Wow, Jesus. I didn't catch that. But don't you think, like, I always think...

I was on IMDB today. I always think of Bill Pullman as just being like, oh, yeah, not as handsome as Harrison Ford. Yeah, that's true. He's the poor man's Harrison Ford and the rich man's Bill Paxton. Bill Paxton has a show. Oh, I think I set the final line on it. Okay, go ahead.

Are we, is that, how long have we been here? A long time. We've been here, it's been an hour, but we're cutting out most of Charlie's singing.

That was a long segment. Maybe I should try and sing it right now, now that it's not funny anymore. You've already accomplished it. Yeah, you nailed it. Okay. So what's,

are we good? This has been fantastic. What a good show. Yeah, let's wrap it up. Well, thanks nailed it. So what's... Are we good? This has been fantastic. Yeah, let's wrap it up. Well, thanks a lot, Charlie, for coming down to be part of the... Oh, it was my absolute pleasure to be here. You were super fun. Thank you. And Dave, we're on fire today. Yeah, this is... More beers, I think.

No, it says explicit on the download warning, so it's alright to have beers. Yeah, that's true. iTunes isn't anti-beer, are they? No, no, no. Oh, and special thanks to Cool Ranch for forking up the dough they do really good work yeah that's really helped us out so tune in next week there'll be more

yeah I think you might actually it'll be a little longer than a week really you out of town? no I'm not out of town we just we may have exceeded our bandwidth for March So we have to wait for April Oh, okay, well stick around 65 people who downloaded this

And download us again when we're back in April-ish Yeah, thanks everybody Alright, everybody So long Stop podcasting yourself Thanks for listening You can reach us at Stoppodcastingyour. Thanks for listening. You can reach us at stoppodcastingyourself at gmail.com or come to our website, stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com.

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