Stop Podcasting Yourself - Stop Podcasting Yourself - ep.5

Episode Date: April 1, 2008

Comedian John Beuhler joins the boys to help Graham get a train ticket, more Overheard, more Celebrity Odds, and a round of Blanchett or Winslet.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Woo! Welcome, everybody, to the number five edition in a series of 1,200 of Stop Podcasting Yourself. My name's Graham Clark, and with me, as always on this show, is my good buddy, Dave Shumka. Hi, Graham.

Hi, Dave. And joining us here today is our other good buddy, Mr. John Buehler, who runs the awesome Dead Bunny show at the Lamplighter and shows at casinos in luxurious Langley, B.C. Hi, John. Hi, Graham. Hi, Dave. Hi, John. How you doing? I'm all right.

Good. I'm well. Should we do Get to Know Us? All right, let's do Get to Know Us. Get to Know Us. And right, let's do Get to Know Us. Get to Know Us. And we're back. Huh? Do you want to start, Dave?

Or should we let the guest start? Yeah, we'll let anyone start. Who wants to start? Not much happened to me this week, so I don't have... I don't know if much happened to me either, but we'll start with John then, and I'll try and search through my memory banks. I barely made it here because my car broke down, i so i took it to the shop and i was waiting for a cab i called a cab but i noticed there was a cab right there but there was no driver and then

an east indian gentleman with a turban was running across the street so i almost hung up the cell phone saying no i don't need you guys anymore i found the guy so i say to this guy as he's running across the street oh hey are you working right now or can i get a ride and he wasn't the cab driver obviously or else the story would be crap but we both had a little laugh though he was very good with it oh good and so i was like he i'm a racist that's like that did you see that Arrested Development where the mother shows up

at some party and it's like the Latino Oscars or whatever and she's just going to everybody in the tuxedo like I'll order

rum and coke rum and coke rum and coke it's a good show and you just you just said that you ate a McRib

no I did not what? Shumka did you ate a McRib I ate a McRib. No, I did not. What? Shumka did. You ate a McRib. I ate a McRib for lunch today. Because his body is a temple. A poorly guarded temple. What is the McRib exactly?

It doesn't actually have bones in it. No, it's shaped like ribs. So it's like, is it a hamburger just shaped like a rib? Yeah, it's in a... I don't think it's ham. I think it's pork. It's pork like ribs. So is it a hamburger just shaped like ribs? Yeah. I don't think it's ham. I think it's pork. It's pork and beef. It's pork-ish.

Ooh. So it's like Spam, basically? But with barbecue sauce. Oh, I think it's more processed, too, than Spam is. Yeah, and it's not wet like I imagine Spam is. I've never had Spam. No? Have you ever had Spam? I've seen it.

Yeah. It's not... It doesn't hold its shape tremendously well. It's... Well, good, because its shape is a can. It's a magic food. Yeah. They used to give it to the military, because that's...

In World War II, it was like the one food they could carry with them, and it wouldn't rot. So they all had Spam. But the McRib is like... It's not actually ribs or bits of rib. No. It's just shit. Bits of rib.

There are chunks of rib bone. Sharp chunks of bone in it. It's the only thing with McDonald's that actually polishes your teeth as you chew it up. So you did that. That was my week. That was your week. I had a McRib for lunch today. We jumped right from John.

Was that it? Was the cab story? Is that? My week's been good. Yeah? Yeah. That was your week. I had a McRib for lunch today. We jumped right for John. Was that it? Was the cab story? Is that? My week's been good. Yeah? Yeah. Tuesday was good. Good show.

You can make up anything. Yeah. Because you've never been here before. That's true. I've never been here before. I've been listening to your guys' podcast. That's what I've been doing. It's been doing great.

Yeah. What are we up to? 66? I don't want to talk about it. Are we down? I'm one of those people. People wanted refunds from their free podcast. No, we're at 98.

98. If you are the 100th download of our podcast, you'll never know. Yeah, it doesn't say who downloaded when, right? John and I were on a fundraiser show on Friday. Oh, God. That wasn't fun. I'd like to apologize to anybody that was there that saw me. I wasn't acting

very good. You did really well. No, I did not. Oh, you didn't? Were you there? Yeah, I was there. I was drunk, though. Oh, yeah. Well, they told me to be there at 8, and I go, okay, well, no fundraiser ever starts on time, so I got there at 8.30. The show started atiser ever starts on time so I got there at 8.30 the show started at 9.30 and I was last on the show

it started at 10 oh it started at 10 okay and so I'm sitting there and I'm like I want to leave because I had so much bad blood with all the people the fundraiser was involved with like from young kids there was a you know that you know that Lawrence guy he's really cool he's a

you shouldn't name names on this TV show or this podcast. But his girlfriend had thrown me out of a bar. And the main guy who it was for, he never smiled at me or anything. So I was kind of venomous when I was up there, and I feel bad. Because I said I was guilted into this on stage. And I said he should spend the first $20 on a haircut. Oh, did you? Yeah. Jesus. And then I was then I was like oh well chemo will take care of that no I didn't say that oh my god I hope 66 people don't hear this we did uh you you and I both did a fundraiser we did a

supplementary fundraiser to the fundraiser that you did on Friday. How did that go? It was terrible. It seemed terrible. I didn't stay for the end of it. And it just got worse. And this is the thing. Again, it was one of those things where I got there at the correct time, like the prescribed time.

They show up, 9 o'clock or whatever. And then I didn't get on stage until 11. And then somebody yells at me halfway through my set, you've got a minute left. I'm like really you're you're keeping time now after patrick and simon jp like collectively did 45 minutes ahead of me because sean was there and he did a set then he left five and five and left and then 45 minutes later i was on stage and i'm like well that and then somebody actually was like, uh, Graham, like, pointing at the watch.

Like, it's you that's keeping it at the four-minute mark. TikTok study. There's this thing where people... Even, like, Celebrity Apprentice and all this other crap, people for some reason just assume that just because you're a comic or something like that, that you're, oh, yeah, you know, I'll... But I'm a charity.

Like, I don't have fucking money. Why would I go out there and, like, I know he's got whatever cancer, blah, blah, blah. But I'm not complaining about being on the fundraisers. I don't mind that at all. But it was the crowd were terrible at both. And they paid a lot of money. And I'm not saying the show was any good, because it wasn't. But also the crowd was bad.

So which was first? Oh also the crowd was bad. So which was first? Oh, the crowd. But did they raise? They raised a lot of money. I guess which is really the only... I guess. I just got on the show because it's a regular show. And you were just on it?

It just happened to be the night that I booked myself on it. Oh, you were on the show. Serendipitous. That's good karma coming your way, buddy. Accidental. Someone's accidentally nice to me. It's like you hit his tumor with your car and killed it. Whoopsie.

I don't think that's how it works, is it? I don't know. You could just accidentally. It's been a long time since I was in medical school. Did you just cut that out? No, I just turned off our speakers Just in case How was your week? Well, yeah, I was just kind of blending all our weeks together

With the fundraisers I feel like we really had the one week Between the three of us We did I don't know. I've been trying to work out this train situation. Oh, yeah. Tell.

Do tell. What a story. I'm going to start the story. Okay. Graham won a contest at Yuck Yucks, the big citywide neckbeard contest. Neckbeard contest. I like that it's called a contest because it sounds like I just did a scratch and win. Yeah.

Graham entered a raffle. He won the comedy giveaway. Comedy sweepstakes. He got a Just for Laughs DVD and a Just for Laughs gag VHS. I just picture a warehouse somewhere just filled to the brim with Just for Laughs

gags. VHSs. But no, he won a competition. That's right. I just picture a warehouse somewhere just filled to the brim with just for laughs. Just sex. VHSs. But no, he won a competition. That's right. All right. And I lost it in the first round. To? Ivan.

Ivan. Oh, I thought you said you lost it. Like Graham won. I lost it. I went off on those people. I'm Vancouver's most dangerous comedian. Anyway, yeah. So Graham won this contest.

Very prestigious. Very. And so it's so prestigious that you get to go to Toronto to compete in the national contest. But how are you getting to Toronto? By sea turtle. No, wait. One slightly slower than that. I'm going by train.

Because a sea turtle could probably get there a lot faster. Four days. Four days on a train. And this was your idea to take the train? No. But this is the thing is... One of their sponsors, I believe, is... Is V-Rail. Old-timey.

Oh, yeah. Okay. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one.

I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. I thought it was going to be like the Steam one.

I thought it was going to be like the Steam one. So the whole thing is I'm like, okay, well, I'll go out on a train. I've never taken a train across Canada. It's romantic. Yeah, by yourself especially. That's going to be some pretty old-timey masturbations. I think you could.

Because where are they going to go, right? To the dinner car. Lock. I think it is romantic if you're on a European one or if you're on like a European one or if you're going down to like a cool place like San Francisco

but I don't think the Via Rail I think is all like rich people I know those Canadian Rockies are gross eww yucky

and then but there's nothing between the Rockies I don't like majestic things and Toronto yeah exactly then it is like three days of...

Yeah, you really got to drink it up. You want to go through the worst part of Brandon, Manitoba? You got it. But I still haven't... They sent me the FedEx, the tickets today. In all fairness,

I've only been requesting the tickets for a month and a half. So it's fine that they've just shown up. FedEx them too? Yeah yeah but it's not even a ticket i don't know why don't they just give you a confirmation number you pick up with the that's what i yeah trains take off from uh take off the 40s where do they leave that's some old abandoned train yard where you gotta run alongside you run alongside with your bindle jump there. Sardine Jack throws you on. So it's going to be weird. But I still don't even have my ticket.

I still don't even know, because I called them today, and they were very confused that I had a voucher to travel across the country on. They're like, well, how did you get it? And I'm like, I won a competition. And they're like, for what?

Tell me a joke. So it was all very confusing on their end end and i still don't have my ticket so uh here's hoping that by because i i need four days to travel isn't the price a little bit like comparable though like for for a flight i can't imagine the train being no 78 bucks or something the train uh she told me me, she said, well, you can book your ticket and then if this thing that they sent you doesn't work out, then you can just pay for the ticket. I was like, no, no, no, I won't be going

if this doesn't... I'm not going to be traveling on my own time. I won't be attending. She told me it was $656. Whoa! Two ways. I think so, yeah. Must be, yeah.

But that is significantly more. But do you get your own little car and everything? No, for my trip, because I just got my voucher today. Sorry, you're on the roof. I'm literally the top bunk on some bunk bed situation, because that's all that's left, because I only got my thing today. So I'm going to be traveling in a bunk bed with a stranger. So the romance thing is canceled.

What if it's a chick? I don't think so. Or a soft-skinned dude. Who voluntarily takes the train? Toby Hargrave. All right. But he went from Saskatchewan, though, which is a significantly shorter jaunt.

He was also very sick on the way back, which is four days, very sick on a train. Oh, yeah, because he got sick from that kid, right? What's his name? He slept with him. Mike Todd? Cooties. I don't know. Mike Todd is a very unhealthy child.

We're dropping some big names in this podcast. I should stop doing that. I've got to get more Hollywood and just say everybody's tremendous, and I'm a big fan of everybody. You didn't say anything bad about anyone yet about anyone yeah you were just saying people's names well he just did rattle off some cancer things well earlier in the podcast no one cares no one's listening this is practice for the big time broadcast now i understand you were a DJ in Dog River, Saskatchewan. I'm glad you brought that up.

It's a contest. Did you wrap that up? Do you want to put a button on it? I think a button placed. Okay, yeah. The thing is you're not going to go if it's not conducive to a good trip. You're not going to pay any damn money. Yeah, if I don't get a free ticket to go out there, I'm not going.

I'm not going to pay my way out there on the possibility. I might as well just take that money and go to the track and see if I can up my odds that way. You're not confident about this Toronto competition? No. But that's okay.

Competitions are never – like I'm never like super-duper confident going into them. All right. Well, do you want to move on? Yeah. Let's move it along. What do you want to do? I think it's time for Overheard.

All right. Overheard. Okay. Did you bring an Overheard? Sure. I got a bunch of them Awesome Yeah, no, let's do it

Do you want to start? Yeah, I've got a couple Oh, okay, we're doing a couple Because last week we only did one A couple, I should have just said a couple Yeah, let's do two this time Okay Alright, I got a couple

Couple Alright Well, actually this one happened today I was downtown Yep What were you doing downtown? Walking the dog. No, just...

I get bored. So you just go wander around, chasing down McRibs? Oh, for something to come up? Yeah. Maybe someone with a job will be on their lunch hour. And they'll talk to me. That's what my dad said today, because he's not working right now. He's just like,

his company sold and when I talked to him on the phone this morning, he was being so funny about it. Like, what are you doing? He's like, I was just downtown.

I'm like, what are you doing downtown? Making connections. Busking. Putting irons in the fire. You know, my mother, when I had a suit,

I bought a suit and then I was wearing it and she goes, you should go downtown where all the businessmen are and you never know. Like I could just walk around on their lunch hour, hey Gus,

any help tonight, whatever the hell. But you never know, your mom is adorable and I never even met her. She once suggested that I talk to West Chet about doing stand-up on their flight. You say that, it's crazy, on their flight. You say that. It's crazy, but you know that they did that when WestJet started. Yeah.

Oh, that's such a fucking terrible idea. Billy Mitchell. Oh, well, there you go. Because... Like the plane's going down. Everybody's like, they're okay with it. They're like, that's all right. Yeah.

It's the end of Billy Mitchell. But he had to do the jokes on the... Jesus Christ. The John Mueller crush-a-thon. But Billy Mitchell had to do his act through the thing that the stewardess is talking to at the beginning of your flight. The captain's cock? Sorry. But it's when WestJet first started, they doing like every gimmick in the book to try and get like people and one of the things with stand-up comedy on the how about getting there on time

hello hello why don't you am i right sorry radio land oh yeah so you're downtown oh because you never finish your story oh it's my story um yeah uh and there's this guy i just caught one line from it uh a guy you know how there's people like collecting for amnesty international yeah and uh i i cannot stand being approached by those people and animal stuff the yeah people that were like the uh they beg with the binders yeah it's like yeah it's totally big with the binders. Yeah, beg with the binders. Yeah, it's totally beg with the binders. It's people that just would not get a real job. But this is kind of a job. Like, that doesn't, I hate it.

There's Greenpeace and Animal Rights and Amnesty International. SPCA. So, yeah, this girl was doing Amnesty International. And a guy had stopped to talk to her. And he disagreed with Amnesty International. Particularly about torture. He's pro-torture. So the only line I caught was,

actually, waterboarding is necessary. I hear it works. Whoa. Okay. And that's what I'm sure this girl who like, you know, had a job at like, whatever, like the PETA pit and that didn't work out so well. So now she's standing on a street corner, like in the alternating sleet, sun, rain, frost situation that's been going on all week. That's what she really wants to get into it. This is all her job. That's it. That's all her job. Are they allowed to just say, okay, carry on, or does she have to defend it?

I guess. She has to have some personal politics involved with it, doesn't she? I don't know. I would do it tomorrow if it paid well enough. Even if you didn't agree with it? Well, no, I wouldn't be out there and be like, you know. If it was against beards? Yeah, if it was like, shave the beards. Now would see this is the thing i think sometimes you let those people get

away with it too long then that becomes the norm where it's just like everybody's bleeding hard for everything like outside of kfc right the chicken right people i give it to them every time i walk past so there's people on the planet dying and and they give a shit about a bird with a brain the size of a Brazil nut because it gets kicked by something. And like, go good. Do stuff better with your time, you freaks. I think that I understand today, because somebody was asking me a couple weeks ago, why are peoplecouver very like where why are people on the street vancouver very unfriendly and like don't smile or say hello or thank you if you hold the door open i'm like it's because if you walk anywhere in the city you are constantly barraged by either

homeless people people trying to give you a 24 hours magazine people wanting to do a fucking survey or people from amnesty international. So it just doesn't pay. Or crazy people. That's the other thing. God forbid you make eye contact with a guy that then decides, oh, you're the problem. You're why I'm insane right now. And then you're like, oh, shit.

But the way you look at people sometimes is a little bit. Like how I'm looking at you right now. Yeah, like you are eye fucking me like crazy. So if you looked at a homeless guy, I'd be like... He'd be like... He just sees you and he just sees a spinning sandwich. Right. With iron. Hey, bro, that guy's got some sandwich money on him.

I like the people who hand out the 24 magazine. A lot of them are very more... They're cheery, a lot of them. Yeah, do you... You're supposed to tip them, right? Yeah. It's standard. 10%.

10% off the cover price. What I like to do is I walk past the person handing out the 24 magazine with a shitty look on my face. Then I go out to the person with a Metro magazine and take that one. And then I try to give salesmanship lessons to the 24 out. Sell the sizzle.

I like when Sean Devlin did it. He would hand out about 12, and then he would go to one of the 24 boxes and put the rest of his in there and then return to the post and be like, gave them all away, boss, because that's kind of how it works.

Very Sean Devlin-y. Yeah. So I would just see him wearing his orange cape or whatever it is. Apron. Apron. Is it a frock? No, it's a sandwich fork. Smock? It is a smock.

Smock? Yeah, a frock is just kind of... What's a frock? I don't know, something the old English would wear. Frock and riding pants. Whoa, Dave's giving us the signal. Wrap it up on the frock talk, guys. You don't want to go down that 45-minute road. Hey, you guys overhear something?

Yeah. You want to go? Yeah, well, my thing is that I used to overhear tons, and I loved it. Now you've got iPod-y. Now I've got iPod-y, and I have a car, so I'm not on the bus where you hear most of the I-cannot-stand-young-girls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love young girls. Oh, my, yeah. I love young girls.

Oh, my God. Did he say that to you? Fuck you. Get out of here. Did he say that? And you're like, oh. So this happened when I was coming from White Rock, because I used to live in White Rock,

and there's a lot of old people there. Right. Young people as well, but a lot of old people. So I was coming up to do a comedy show or something one day, and I got sat next to this very sweet old lady she sat down we just you know smiled she's nice there's these people in the back reading from a cosmo magazine about this very explicit kind of sexual uh article right like my boyfriend likes that when i play with his test when i'm playing him oh my. That's so good. But like really loud, right?

So this old lady is looking at me like, what can you do? And I was like, no, not today. I'm fully engorged. No, but I was like, you know what, old lady? Not today. Not on my watch. So I stand up, walk to the back where these chicks are talking about this thing this has got to be true because yeah no i believe it that's what i'm mr confrontation that's what i'm

saying this has got to be true a lot of stuff i can't take it anymore kfc uh yeah so no i go there and i get kind of like in the moment i'm like you guys uh everybody in the whole bus can hear you they're like so and i'm like well you're reading a lot of sexual stuff. And then I go, and I quote, and there's a lot of fucking old people on this bus. Louder than anything they had said. The whole bus hears it. There it is.

So I go back down and sit with this old lady, and she gives me a smile like, I appreciate the thought, but the execution was terrible. That's not correct. That was horrible. But now I have the iPod on, and I don't hear anything, but also...

So all your overheards are the black eyed peas? Well, that's the whole thing, is that I'm sitting there, and I'm trying to look macho or whatever, like you're walking, you know, like I do. But then I didn't realize until lately that I wear my iPod really loud. I play it really loud. So while I'm walking on the street trying to look intimidating,

all everybody here is like, G-L-A-N-G. And it's been going on forever. That's Fergie's glamorous, if anyone doesn't know. And I get one more. And the last thing I heard was I was on the bus, and I only heard this for a second, but some girl, same kind of young weirdo, said, I feel sorry for White Spot. And then I kept walking. The restaurant.

I feel sorry for White Spot. And I kept walking. I had no idea what to call it. They're talking about the only white kid that goes to their school. They all just call him White Spot. Hey, let's shoe sores. I feel bad for White Spot. I was at

Gigi's Pizza. Don't point at me. No, I will. Late at night. There was this group of people in there. It's often times if you go there, you'll be one of two groups of people and that's it. There was a group of people in there. It's oftentimes if you go there, you'll be one of two groups of people, and that's it. And there was a group of four that just by what they were saying and how they were interacting, you could tell that all four of them were about to go home and have sex all at the same –

That's what I'm talking about. Formation, right? As four? Yeah, as four. Because that's kind of the type of exchange they were having. As for? Yeah, as for. Because that's kind of the type of exchange they were having.

And so I was too focused listening to figure out, are they actually going to have some crazy foursome to actually write down anything? But I was with Jane, and Jane said, you should write some of this stuff down. And so one of the things the girl said was, remember Ron Zolko? And one of the guys at the table, this really tall guy, looks like Bro Jake, might have been Bro Jake, said, I know Ron Zolko and one of the guys at the table this really tall guy looks like bro jake it might

have been bro jake uh said uh i know ron zolko and i like in my head i'm like i don't think ron zolko is an actual guy i think he's like a corporate entity but uh so they were talking about ron mr peanut yeah exactly no mr peanut's a real guy but then when they were walking out they were all walking out together and the one's line, the big tall guy with the mustache, just says to the girl, like, as kind of like, just let's stitch this up. If you would be gone by 7 a.m., that would kick ass. That's awesome. That was just as they were leaving the restaurant. So he wasn't saving that up for later.

He was like, let's set some ground rules right now. 7 a.m. Hit the road. That would kick ass. You could be gone by 7 a.m. That would kick ass. So that was my overheard. Who gets that kind of lifestyle, though? That's amazing. These were unattractive people? People who work out at Ron's Alco.

Yeah, no, like, by and large, they were pretty unattractive. Okay, well, that's cool. Unattractive? Have at it, uglies. Yeah, I think it was like four ugly people were just all going to have four-way... Ugly sex. Ugly sex, yeah. But the guys, they're not going to have sex with each other because they didn't look like guys that would do that. But the girls probably would.

Why would guys ever do that? To make Jesus cry. On Craigslist all the time there seem to be people hooking up. Really? Yeah, there's a little column just for people who want to have casual hookups. On Craigslist? Yeah. Really?

And don't ever click on the ones that have images because it's just dudes' cocks. Yeah, what's up with guys and putting pictures of their cocks on the internet? I don't understand the... Because it's not like... Is that thrilling? For a guy to just be like... I can't do it because my camera doesn't have

a macro setting. Go, go, go! You could have gone either way with that. Wide angle or macro. Yeah, macro, yeah. Yeah, fucking... I don't know.

There's always that certain guy who always wants to pull his bag out at the party and like, oh, I got gum stuck in my zipper, that kind of thing. Right. Those jerks. But I can see that at a party

because you're going to get the laugh. Right. But if you just post it online, nobody's sending you back comments. Hello, awesome. Great job, dude. Good looking cut. What a handsome penis.

There's a little toupee on it. That is a handsome penis. That would be awesome if somebody dressed it up with a tuxedo and stuff. I have hair on the end of my penis. You just put on a little Santa hat. It looks quite smart

when you part it. Do you use mustache wax? He parts it like... Gives it the curly cues on either side. It's got the three doors down look to it. It's kind of shagged.

I don't know. Whatever. Chicks like it. Emo cock. My cock's very emotional. Three doors down is not emo. No, I know, but the way he was describing the hair Oh, cock. My cock's very emotional. Three doors down is not emo. No, I know, but the way he was describing the hair.

Was that three doors down? I can't remember what band. I was going to try to reference that. So I have another overheard. Oh, cool. Because we got time. Yeah, totally. Last week I was at the liquor store buying the very beer you're drinking right now.

I love it. Thank you, by the way, Dave. Hey, no problem. And there were these, I recognize one of the people. It was a woman, and she looked like, I recognize her from a restaurant, and I think there were a couple people buying booze for their restaurant. Right. And there's this smart-ass guy who works at the liquor store.

Which liquor store is this, the one on Main Street? Kingsgate Mall. There's one guy. One time I went in and I don't drink a lot of wine, but I thought I would try some out, so I bought some. And he said, oh, this brand, they're not as good as

they used to be, so why don't you try another brand? But not right now because there was a lineup forming, so he made me buy this this one now they just use it for cleaning tools it kind of reminded me of like when you go to blockbuster and someone's really opinionated agent cody banks two no you want spy kids well i remember my brothers and i were at like a video store and we were all uh we wanted to rent that movie with Christina Ricci called The Opposite of Sex. Oh! Have you ever seen that?

That's very bad news. Have you seen it? Yeah, this is years ago, right? Oh, okay. But we went to go... Don't rent it. Don't rent it. I would have warned you

about that one. That's totally... If you're still considering it, don't. No. But Christina Ricci, right? I thought she was hot back in the day.

Anyways, we didn't want to ask the clerk because he was super smart-ass guy and we were like, this is too much of a setup line to want to ask the clerk because he was super smart ass guy and we were like this is too much of a setup line to go and ask the guy like where's the opposite of sex because he's just like any number of slams that he could go like to your bedroom or whatever you know like and you're just like oh fuck so we just didn't rent it because we we knew he'd just be able to this is like you know there's people people that are way too cool for what they do?

Yeah. There's certain, I find that video store clerks, way too cool for what they do. Comic book people. But not at Blockbuster, though. Tattoo artists, way too cool for what they do. People that work on set, even if they're like a gaffer for Air Bud 14. Yeah, I'm working on, I was on set all day. Like, know, Air Bud 14. Yeah, I'm looking. I was on set all day.

Like, you know what I mean? Yeah. I'm sorry. Just. Comics. Comics. Seriously. Top of the list.

Here's one. No, I'm not done. Oh, sorry. Oh, sorry. So I remember this gentleman from Bad Mouthing the Wine I was buying. Right. And he was showing these two people from a restaurant around and giving them suggestions on what booze to buy for their bar.

And he suggested this new vodka that it's not Grey Goose, but they just reviewed it in Maxim, and they compared it to Grey Goose. This is the guy who was giving me advice before? It's not Eliza Dushku, but Maxim said she's even better than Eliza Dushku. FHM just did a big spread. Good lord.

You know what's my favorite thing about Maxim and FHM? I think by law they have to have one serious article in there to be considered a magazine. Well, they must, because why else would they bother having one serious article? It's like 10 top ways to polish your cock. It's a weird thing that you don't even need to know.

Get it ready for Craigslist. And then it'll be like, Inside Guantanamo. What is that article doing in maxim that's not legitimizing it so i think by law they must have to have that's why evil maxim is that when i'm having sex i'm i have such ocd i'm just constantly running through their you know list of sex tips that are all conflicting. Girls like to be smacked.

Put a stoop on her head. Girls are... Exactly. They're all contradicting each other. Yeah, exactly. Wear a crazy costume. Be yourself. Be yourself. Girls like it rough.

Be sensitive. Okay, I'll say another be yourself girls like it rough be sensitive you know um okay I'll I'll say another uh overheard that I heard this is courtesy of AJ McKenzie

who I adore because he's so grew up I don't know in a bubble or a spaceship

or like like Superman like he was in a pod for the first 18 years of his life he's a comedian if people don't know oh we'll have him

down here on the show. Yeah, sure. He and I have always had really great talks. He has great talks with everybody. That's what I love about him. The first time I went out, we went out for dinner after a show, and we went for Chinese food, and he'd never been for Chinese food before. He lives in Richmond.

Yeah, I know. It's inconceivable. Richmond is a Chinese community. It was like, what's chop suey? He didn't know any of the things on the menu. And last week at Lime, he was sitting by the bar and somebody was having a conversation. Somebody ordered a drink at the bar. Somebody ordered pineapple juice.

And then AJ turned to somebody and said, I've never heard of pineapple juice. Wow. So yes, it's great because it's like he's the one guy that you could go to an aquarium. Is that just youth though? No, it's really AJ's quite unique in that category. He doesn't understand any reference pre-

1990. Like if you said welcome back, Cotter. He only knows it now because he looks over his shoulder for Cotter. I was going out with a girl who didn't know what Knight Rider was. She was 18 and she was a model and stuff but so i thought it was okay oh well at least you're bragging yeah but well that's i have to legitimize why i went on with an 18 year old but we were in a cab and they had a camera they had those little cameras and she was like transfixed what is that she thought we were on a tv show no she didn't

she was like, why? How did you meet this girl? I met her at the Leo's or whatever. She's doing modeling there. But she went off to Hong Kong. But yeah, but I couldn't deal with that. That's going to work out well. Again, I don't want to educate someone about what pineapple juice is.

You don't? You came to the wrong place. But it's weird to think that somebody would say that, that you would just plug it together in your head where you're like, juice, pineapple juice, juice that comes from a pineapple. I'll keep my mouth shut. No need for any explanation on this one.

But not AJ. I've never heard of pineapple juice. Oh, AJ. Do you have another overheard? Is that it? No, I just feel sorry for Waitspot. That was good. All right.

We'll be right back. Celebrity. Celebrity odds. Celebrity odds. I have compiled a few. You guys discuss as you will. Let me know what you think the odds are that any of these events might actually happen. Okay!

Dave's getting drunk at his own house, and his girlfriend's going to come home after a long day at work, and he's going to be all sosed. And then we can leave. You will be long gone. Celebrity odd. Dave actually said, if you guys could be out of here by six, that would kick ass.

Start with an easy one. They're all pretty easy, actually. I've never really been challenged. Regis Philbin. I think it's Philbin still. Is it Philbin? Yeah, Philbin. Philbin.

P-H-I-L-B-I-N. And it's Soused, not Soused. That's also his phone number. Is it Soused? Yeah, it's notbin Philbin alright P-H-I-L-B-I-N and it's Soused not Soused that's also his phone number is it Soused? yeah it's not Soused I don't know if I like your pronunciation yeah I prefer Soused

really? yeah like Soused Soused like Grouse Mountain Soused well I guess I'll email you

in preview room that's fine I guess if we're a German since then as long as someone emails us called Soused Soused we're too German Sims fan. As long as someone emails us. Called South.

South. We're too South to play tonight. Where do we set up our gear? We'll set up our gear. And hopefully we won't get South. Let's get South later. Which one was I doing? Oh, Regis Feldman.

I think it's Feldman. I think it's Feldman. I think it's Feldman. Regis Feldman. Reagan Feldman. Will host a new show for ABC either called Name My Pet or Date My Mom. What are the odds? I'd say pretty good. Pretty good? Based on what?

Based on the fact that those show ideas aren't that crazy. They're not super crazy, right? Date My Mom or Name My Pet. Date My Mom is actually an MTV show. Is it? Yep. Jesus.

Well, Name My Pet. I think it's called Who Wants to Date My Mom? And the son goes on dates with the projective people and then figures out which one's going to date his mom. Wow.

How many times? I literally pulled that just out of thin air. Well, you could work for MTV. Obviously. I work on set at MTV, so it's pretty crazy. I was really worried about that strike. Industry's in a downswing.

Okay, the band, Vampire Weekend. Right. Super popular new band. Is that a real band? Super popular? They're getting pretty popular. If you wear a scarf. But wait about six months until they hit their maximum popularity. Wait one month more. We'll be opening

a brand new Best Buy. What do you think the odds are on that? High? Low? Those are massively good. What about Soldier Boy? Soldier Boy is more Best Buy. You think he's more destined to be? He's going to Superman that. You've heard that Soldier Boy song, right? Soldier Boy is more Best Buy. You think he's more destined to be? He's going to Superman that. You've heard that Soldier Boy song, right?

Soldier Boy. I'm so sorry, man, my Soldier Boy. Boo. Why did I get a boo? That was brilliant. Was it? It's not mine. Okay.

My favorite Soldier Boy song is... i like the one that he does the dance to that's really the only i like the one uh that he has the bit where he's he's in school and at the very end they add i think it's not that song but they add part of one of his other songs which is about his report card oh they they i like throw some d's on that bitch. I like any of the hip-hop videos that start with a little bit of a storyline. Like, they're all hanging out, and then there's a phone call, and then it goes into the song. But then they never pick up on that storyline for the rest of the thing. Like, that vanishes, and then maybe at the end they'll throw in one tail-end thing of them back on the couch. It's like,

Whoa, what a crazy party that was. It's like the director forgot that they started with that. They're like, oh, right. Can we go back and film an ending? The ending seemed tacked on to that hip-hop video. I don't believe the love story. When was the last time you watched a whole video? Long time ago.

Yeah. I don't watch videos anymore. What's. Yeah. I don't watch videos anymore. What's the point? I don't show them anymore. I think they hit the high water mark kind of in the 90s and the late 90s. Like where they were actually

trying to make them artistically. And then they were just like, fuck it. People just want to see dancing girls and cars. That's it. Oh, for sure. They're not going to...

And the blacks are taking over. Wake up, people. I was talking about Kayfed's video. He's technically white. But only technically. You don't care for Vampire Weekend. Okay, go. Okay, how about...

Wayne Brady will be busted in an infidelity scandal, a la Kobe Bryant. And at the press conference, when he's going to apologize to his wife publicly, he sings his apology. What do you think are the odds on that? The odds on the first portion are pretty far. That he would cheat on his wife? Well, that it would be a scandal. Yeah, or anybody would give a shit.

Or that there would even hold a press conference. What if he cheated on his wife? Well, that it would be a scandal. Yeah, or anybody would give a shit. Or that there would even be a whole press conference. With Ryan Stiles. Then. Then is it a scandal? If it's a gay thing? Yeah, I guess. Probably. I don't know.

But the last part, I think the odds are pretty good that he would sing his apology. You think that he sings a lot of apologies? I think he sings a lot of everything. Okay. All right. So, high odds. John? I'm sorry. a lot of everything. Okay. Alright. So, high odds. John? I'm sorry. I was looking at my foot.

You were talking about Wayne Brady? Maybe. That Ricky Lake will be asked by the producers of a new stage show of Hairspray based on the movie that was based on the stage show that

was based on the movie starring her as the young person and she'll be offered the role of the mother what do you think the odds are on that you don't even know what I asked uh she thought she was gonna play the Nikki Blonsky role and she's playing the John Travolta role? Yes. That I would see. Did you guys, you wouldn't have seen the, that terrified the shit out of me that John Travolta, like, that was amazing when he was playing that. Yeah, he looked like, he looked and acted and sang

and moved like a woman. Which is not surprising. Well, everyone thinks John Travolta's a homosexual, right? Including his... We call them gays. We say he's a-gay. He's a-gay. Or he's one of many gays. He's a Capote.

That's the most famous gay I could think of. Yeah. Elton John, out of the running. Capote is more... I forget what... Some gay group. 98 Degrees. 98 Degrees, yeah.

No, a gay rights group was protesting. Some gay group. 98 Degrees. 98 Degrees, yeah. No, a gay rights group was protesting hairspray because John Travolta is a Scientologist, and Scientologists hate the gays. Do they hate the gays? But they love Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise isn't the gay. He is the gay. That's not true. I saw a cocktail just like two nights ago that makes you the gay oh no uh but i i uh i supported their boycott of that movie they they just because uh scientology promises they can

cure people of uh homosexuality i'm not much of a reader. That's what they say. That's why they get, you know, Tom Cruise and Jean Travolta. Jean Travolta. Jean Travolta. Did they cure him of being French? Joël Depardieu. Okay, how about this one? Soldier Boy performs his dance

for the troops in Iraq, leaving them wondering both why he calls himself soldier and why they're in Iraq fighting for guys like him. How about that? For his right to suck. That's a pretty good one to end on. That's a great one.

Good odds. Good odds. Did you ask, yo, what the soldier boy is, eeny, meeny, miny, moe? Did you guys know that? That is the scheme for that song. Oh, really? Soldier boy, oh, eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Oh, really? Soldier boy, did it all,

eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Oh, is it? Yeah, it's eeny, meeny, miny, moe. If you listen to that song. So much talent And you know he says something about

supermanning that hoe? Yeah, and that's when he does the... Do you know what that means? Does that mean like you punch like that? No, I looked it up on urbandictionary.com.

We're so white. It went online. This is... Superman that hoe means I picked it up on urbandictionary.com. We're so white. It went online. This is Superman.ho means when a lady is asleep. Oh, here we go. You climax upon her back. And the sheet sticks to her back. And when she wakes up, it's like she's wearing a cape.

This happens so much that they had to come up with a term for it. Well, does anything happen that much? Are we, are there, is there a rash of donkey punches going around? Yeah, or, you know, the Cleveland Steamers or Dirty Sanchez's. But it's weird that you would have to come up for. But none of those have been in a pop song. But a donkey punch is something that I'm like, okay. I can get behind that. Well, no, it's a

one-note thing. You're fucking a girl, then what, you knock her in the back of the head, right? Is it donkey punch? It's been a while, but yeah, I think so. No, donkey punch is when you put your thumb in her butt. Isn't it? I thought it was a punch. You don't punch someone in the back of the head. I thought that was what

donkey punch was. No, it's when you're having sex and then I don't know where you just do your thumb you're just... I'm with Graham, actually. Yeah, I've heard it's a punch. I think it's one of those things where we could use someone here looking it up on the internet. That's true. Well, for the record, Graham's right, but I'm pretending he doesn't... I'm pretending I don't know what it is. But he's soused.

Yeah. Soused. Soused. Soused. Soused. But that's something... But the thing of a guy jerking off on a girl's back while she's asleep and then she wakes up and the thing sticks to her like that's like an eight point thing that's probably only ever happened once in the history and it's not like

something you would actually like you brag about that's like something you do it in camp or something like let's put her hand in water now whoa make her pee i think i saw it on just for last game so it's weird that you would have to come up with a term for something that's like Let's put her hand in water now. Whoa, make her pee your pants. I think I saw it on Just for Laughs' gag. So it's weird that you would have to come up with a term for something that's, like, got to happen once. You shouldn't be proud of the fact that you've taken advantage of somebody who's asleep. Like, I'm such a playa. I'm such a playa.

I came all over her back. She didn't even stop me because she was unconscious. Oh, that's horrible. Awesome. Awesome. I guess we'll be right back. Yeah, we'll be right back. I said it's Blanchett. Oh, Blanchett. Oh, Bl's horrible. Awesome. I guess we'll be right back. Yeah, we'll be right back. That means it's time for Blanchett or Winslet. This is our take on Pullman or Baxton, which was our take on Take It or Leave It.

Right. Which was our take. Which was our take. Okay it or leave right which and then god knows which was our take and uh okay so hit me so uh so yeah the uh i will say a few words yeah and you guys try to figure out if these words are more kate blanchett or more kate winslet and they are open to debate oh absolutely Oh, absolutely. Australia. Kate. Paxton. Kate Winslet. Australia.

Because she's from Australia. Didn't she? Kate Blanchett is from Australia. Aha. But okay, no wait. Kate Winslet because she made a movie where she played in Australia. Right. But you're wrong.

But she did though. I say Kate Blanchett. Because she's from Australia. Well, I think that we could split this one down the middle because it's more Cate Blanchett, but it's also little Cate Wendland. Yeah, it's a little bit. You're kind of pointing a lot today. Just want to let you know that when you drink, you start pointing. Yeah, but is that okay?

Well, whatever. It's a podcast. Different cultures. Where did we grow up? All right, next one. Yeah. Oscar nominated. Winslet.

And Blanchett. No, just Winslet. Paxton. It's Winslet. They've both been nominated five times. But Blanchett has won once. So she's more likely to be called an Oscar winner. Whereas Winslet is more likely to be called

Oscar nominated. Makes sense. Yeah, okay. What did Cate Blanchett win her for? The Aviator. Really? Oh, Cate Blanchett. I was thinking of Nell Carter.

Oh, fuck. I was like, she hasn't even been in a movie. She was dead when that movie came out. She's still legit. She's good in it, though. All even been in a movie. I thought she was dead. She was dead when that movie came out. She's silly dead. She's good in it, though. All the wires in John's brain are crossed. How weird. Just keeps calling a stop sign a fork.

I was going to be like, Oscar nominated. Give me a break. I thought I was going to get a huge laugh. Oh, wow. Blanchett. Not Carter. Who's she in? Is she in Ghoulies?

You're getting Ghoulies? Is she in Ghouliesies i don't think that's a movie no that's a movie it's got the little guys that come out of the toilet ghoulies you're thinking of uh norm the gnome uh she was she's she was sorry she was in lord of the rings as well yes yes she's kind of that odd she's not odd looking she's gorgeous, but she's not classically beautiful. She's a very beautiful skin and bonesy. Yeah. She was in The Aviator. She played... Catherine Hepburn?

No, she didn't play Catherine Hepburn. Yes, she did. Really? I think it was Kate Hepburn, actually. She also played Bob Dylan in that Bob Dylan movie last year. Oh, she's... I'm sorry. Yes, she did.

Yes, she did. She was one of the... That wasn't Nell Carter either. And she was supposed to have done the best job at it, she did. Yes, she did. She was one of the... That wasn't Nell Carter either. And she was supposed to have done the best job at it too. That was what they said.

She was supposed to. She was nominated for the Oscar for it. Yeah. Yeah. They've really both been nominated five times. Mm-hmm.

Wow. She actually is in a band called The Wallflowers. She's going to be in the Jacob Dillon movie. It's called One Headlight. I'm going to play young Jacob Dillon I'll play younger Jacob Dillon Bangs

I'll say Blanchett Winslet Winslet's always pretty Who would you rather bang? Mel Carter Paxton In the new Who would you rather bang? Mel Carter. Paxton. In the new Indiana Jones movie, Cate Blanchett has bangs.

That's where I was going with that one. I hate What's-His-Nuts. Oh, yeah? Shia LaBeouf. He used to be, and he's not anymore. He seems like kind of a nicer kid, but he used to be a turd. Oh, he's really cool now. Is he? Yeah, he wears skinny jeans and backpacks.

God, why is he famous? Why is he famous? He's good, I guess. No, he's not. Is Indiana Jones good, though? But did you see... Is the new Indiana Jones movie going to be Indiana Jones good? Yeah, I think it's going to be alright.

It's going to be too big. It's just like, I saw the preview and he's like swinging and crashing through windshields and he's 50. But he did that stuff before. No, he didn't. Yeah, stuff before. No, he didn't. He did. No, he didn't. He was on a plane fighting a big, bald Nazi guy while the plane was trying to take off.

You're thinking of Nell Carter. He was having a fist fight on the airstrip, and then eventually the big, bald guy got hit by the rotor of the plane. That's true. And he was dragged under the truck. Everything kind of really—this one now, it's like Die Hard, the last Die Hard. It's going to be too big. That was ridiculous when they were on the jet together on the last Die Hard.

That was too much. When he took down a helicopter with a flying police car. Yeah, and my favorite moment in that is where he dives out of the car. The car's going about, we could safely say, 80 miles an hour. And he does like a roll and he literally just gets like a stiff shoulder he just is one of these like ouchy shouldn't have done that should have tucked and rolled another day of the office oh that's what that was the

thing that sean said last night it was really funny because uh you know danny glover was king of the uh i'm too old for this shit we saw saw a movie where Danny Glover was really young, and as soon as he saw it, he was like, this is when he was still young enough for that shit. All right, the final one in Blanchett or Winslet. Pale. Oh, that's Blanchett. I'll say Winslet. Oh, no, Blanchett.

She's pale as hell. Sorry, the answer is Tilda Swinton. I don't even know who that is. She was the one in... She's one of the British actresses who all kind of look the same. Yeah. Samantha Morton. What has she been in that I don't know?

Michael Clayton. Was she in Punch Drunk Love? No. If only we could look this up. But we're running short on time. Are we done? I think we're done-ish. Alright, well thanks a lot for...

Hey, before we wrap this up, buddy, I just touched your foot in a gay way? What's the straight way to touch another man's foot? I don't know. I don't want it to be over, though. This is really fun. I think the listeners want it to be over. We should just do a four-hour one and then edit it down to like 20 minutes.

I've got nothing else to do. That's true. That's true. John, do you have anything you want to plug? Well, don't smile right after you say that. Anything in this region you want to plug? Don't smile right after you say that. Anything in this region you want to plug? Yeah, I did. Bunny, come on down. Tuesday nights, 9.30.

We're going to actually be podcasting too, so hopefully I can come here some of the time with clips. Clips. Clips of all my favorite funny guys in town. Sweet Shimka. Shimka. Graham Clark. Yeah, it's a good show I've been there

three times I've been there Fudge Cops is going to be on coming up next week I should be on the show next week then I'm going to be on the show

next week we should both be on the show next week should do but I want to yeah I want to make it like not you know

everybody walking around and just really jerking off really really jerking off like really jerking off. Really? Really jerking off. Like, really jerking off. For the listeners, this is John trying to get us into a circle. We are not going to post this until April 1st

because of our bandwidth limitations. Well, why are you telling them that? Because once you post it, they will already be posted. What I'm saying is just we're talking about next week's Dead Bunny when, in fact, it's... Just come down every Tuesday.

Yeah, every Tuesday. We will be there every Tuesday. Yeah. How about that? So thanks a lot for tuning in, downloading, whatever you had to do to listen to this. And email us. We want to know who's listening to this. We really do.

Actually, we're intensely curious. Stoppodcastingyourselfatgmail.com. And you can comment on the episodes at stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com. Thanks a lot for listening. And, yeah, we'll be back with another episode in about another week or so. Probably in about three days. All right. Thanks again.

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