Stop Podcasting Yourself - Stop Podcasting Yourself - ep.7

Episode Date: April 20, 2008

Redheaded spitfire Jane Stanton returns as we explore Graham's windfall, Toronto, New York, and Flintstone Funland.

Hi, he's Dave Shumka. And he's Graham Clark. And together we host Stop Podcasting Yourself. Woo! Hello everybody and welcome to Stop Podcasting Yourself. We were gone for a week, but now we're back. It felt like a long time. It did. It felt like a really long time.

My name's Graham Clark, and with me is one of the funniest guys ever. In this room. Come on. This is a pretty small room. Mr. Dave Shumka. Yep, here I am. There you are. We're drinking Height Beer. This show brought to you by Height Beer.

I've never had Height Beer before, but I picked it up because it's in the same font as Sprite. And also, what's their big catch line on the front of the bottle? From naturally fresh water. No sewage treatment water for us. No salt water here. Yum-a-dummers. But it is a refreshing beer. Yeah, it's very good.

And you can only return it for five cents in Quebec. H-I-T-E. No, probably ten cents in Quebec. No, it says Quebec. Refund, five cents, and. H-I-T-E. No, probably ten cents in Quebec. No, it says Quebec. Refund, five cents, and then that's it. Oh, then why'd I have to pay 60 cents for a six-pack? Ooh, should go back to the liquor store and check that out. And with us here in Dave's home office,

the very hilarious Hillary-supporting Jane Stent. Yes, I am. Hi. Hi. Hi, nice to see you. Jane has been a guest here before, but we thought we should give her another chance. Whoa!

Whoa! Really? The real reason we thought we should bring you on is because well, you did complain last time that you could do better. Yes. Yeah. And this is your chance to prove it. Okay, great. Yeah. And because we didn't want to bring someone new on could do better yes yeah and this is your chance to prove it okay great yeah and ready and because uh we didn't want to bring someone new on because i think we're gonna just talk about graham the

whole time let's not do that oh come on you've got some stuff yeah but jane's got some stuff the lion's share no i don't know if what might what happened we'll see we'll see how this goes. It's not that big of a deal, really. No, that's what I think. Yeah. So, all right. Well, let's, I guess, let's get to know us. Get to know us. I think our guest should start. I think that's the way... The Romans would have had it. Yeah, that's the...

If 300 taught us anything, that's the way the Romans would have had it. Yeah, that's the... If 300 taught us anything, that's the way the Romans would have had it. Please, Jane, you start. Weren't the Romans the guests, though? Yeah, no, who is it? Spartans? The Spartans were... Weren't they Romans?

Spartans were Roman. Okay, so they were not the guests. No, yeah, they were the hosts. And the... Who is it? It wasn't the Venetians, it was the Peloponnesians. Was it the Peloponnesians? No, it was not. I didn't see it or read it. Really? Canadians. Really.

No, the guys that came over. You saw 300. Yeah. Who were the guys who invaded? They were Asians? They were... Africans? Asians? African Asians. uh they were asians they were africans african asians um minotaurs they were minotaurs yeah you should see it's a fun movie anyways uh jane stanton what's going on with jane stanton um what happened, I had a great job interview. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tell us about that. It was at a waitressing because I'm broke, and so it was at a big, giant place, like a colossal with a movie theater and bowling alley. Where? In Richmond. Richmond. British Columbia. And I thought, why not do an hour drive

to a job? Why not do an hour drive to a job? Every day. Why not do that, right? And yeah, it showed up. What was the name of the restaurant? It was called, isn't it big? I think it's Big Red River Brewery Company. Okay.

You're asking us like we've ever been. You might drink the beer. I'm looking at you too because. I only drink Height. Yeah. Is it the Height Brewing Company? Because I'd like to see what that restaurant would look like. Fresh water.

Short skirts. That would be shorter than the ones I was going to wear for sure. How'd it go? It went horrible. It was horrible. He was ogling my breasts. The twins. The twins.

The girls. They're fraternal. No, they're not. And he had a giant cold sore on his face. Oh, nice. Whereabouts? Like mouth to like cheek, chin. Are you sure that wasn't like a birth?

Yeah, I find that. No, it was making fun of someone. Or maybe a nipple. Yeah. It was a third nipple. Or he might have had alopecia. It was a cold sore. I touched it. Maybe it was the alopecians who came.

Oh, that's who it was who fought in the Spartans was the alopecians. Thanks, Dave. So yeah, he asked the questions that they always ask what qualities would you bring why do you want to work here oh yeah i just like threw i can't work nights i can't uh i can only what did you say when they said what qualities do you bring i said i'm fun you are fun but you don't get along you don't play well with people i I do. I play well with you. Yeah, with me. I play well with you now, Dave, now, don't I?

Yes. But we are not, you would not play well with those other waitresses, because you were making fun of them. Because they are Cactus Club rejects. Whoa, yikes a daisies. What does that make you, though? I know that's the whole point. Oh.

So it was one of those, like, let's not. I didn't even get a job there. You're a Cactus Club reject reject. Totally. Ouch. And it's just like's not i didn't even get a job there you're a caxas club reject reject totally ouch and it's just like you didn't want that job no it's like 800 people can fit in this giant place and he talked like a radio guy too he's like i'm bill what's your name you must be jill i'm like oh jane i'm like whatever yeah i'm jill what's the like if you go to a place like that you work there, I bet you're not getting a lot of tips.

That doesn't seem like... If it's attached to a movie theater, that doesn't seem like huge tip central to me. No, because it's also attached to a bowling alley that you can do the birthday parties. Oh, yeah. To your old kids. No, that's not tips.

That sounds like Jack Astor's, which we talked about on a previous podcast. Do you think Chuck E. Cheese people get tips? No. No. I don't think that. I think yes. I think you're wrong.

Parties. Because a party, you get an automatic 15%. Maybe an automatic gratuity. Yeah. Did I tell you about the Chuck E. Cheese that I went to outside of Edmonton? I don't think so. They served beer, which I didn't know Chuck E. Cheese is. Maybe they don't, but this one did.

I don't find that hard to believe. In San Alberto? No, not there. I find it hard to believe. They didn't serve it to children. No, no, no. No, yeah. No, that's an important distinction that I should have made right off the bat.

They weren't getting kids drunk. Right. Because that's wrong. Right. I should have made right off the bat. They weren't getting kids drunk. Right. Because that's wrong. Right. No matter how much you love to drink, it's wrong to get kids drunk. I think that's my stance. But yeah, they served beer at this place. But the person that was serving me the beer was clearly not old enough to drink beer.

And didn't know how to pour beer uh and didn't know how to pour beer because they didn't know of beer so they just pulled on the tap straight down and like it was all foam and uh but the greatest thing is that i pictured this place at one point was like a sports bar and that there might be one guy who's like i don't give a shit if it's a chucky cheese i'm still hanging out there and he just like reclaims his booth in the back corner he's like, I don't give a shit if it's a Chuck E. Cheese. I'm still hanging out there. And he just reclaims his booth in the back corner. He's like, I don't care. I don't care that it's a ballroom now. I don't care if there's a ball pit where the TV used to be and a ski ball where the pool

table used to be. I'll still drink. Is Chuck E. Cheese still the same? Just that's all they got? No, they have some newer games, but it's all still the same like mostly laser tags here's the thing that i didn't i don't know if you guys have seen the ads on tv but just recently i saw an ad for something it's called like greg and david's or jim and busters david busters that's what it is david busters the uh have you ever before those ads came out had you

ever heard of it i've heard of it. It's American. It's American. And I saw, I looked inside of one this past week, Dave and Buster's. It's Chuck E. Cheese for adults. Nice. What do you mean? It's the same thing. You go and play games.

You get tickets. But there's drinks. Oh. No kids allowed. No kids allowed. Road trip. Here we go. Apparently, they're all over the states,

but we get their ads off of the Seattle stations and stuff, right, Dave and Buster's? But I, yeah, because I always thought that when I went to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm like, I think adults would like to do this if there was booze involved, if they could just go and have some nachos and then play skee-ball.

Yeah. Because that's what we did, and it was a ton of fun of fun so why hasn't this always existed i don't know because uh it's a it's a fucking like to me it's like foolproof yeah because i the reason i don't go out at night is because i don't want to dance yeah no that's the thing if you went out with a group of people my thing's always been if you had a big group of people and it was like a weird thing where you're inviting like a bunch of people from different groups, right, and you didn't know how to make them mingle, my thing was always take them to the racetrack, right, because then everybody's got like a common activity.

But Dave and Buster's would solve that problem that have a problem with animal cruelty. Those fucking wimps. At all. But then Jane and I were talking about it. And here's the thing. I don't know if this existed. I think the only one in Canada was in Alberta. An equivalent to Chuck E. Cheese was something called Bullwinkles.

Never heard of it. But was it the character from Rocky and Bullwinkles? Yes. Yeah was i think there was one in toronto too like yeah maybe i have no idea but grasping here bullwinkles was designed around the bullwinkle cartoon but it was set up like it was like a nightclub for kids so it was really dark and there was a floor show with fountains Was there roller skating? There was no roller skating because a lot of nightclubs don't have roller skating Oh is that right? It seems like a child equivalent

Yeah and it was like set up at these little tables with like candles on them and you were in this dark showroom and then the thing would open and it would be all the animatronic bullwinkles playing a song and then there was like a water fountain doing and there would be a vip room with jonathan taylor thomas zachary ty bryant taryn noah smith really the big three the big three from home improvement um and then they had like the video arcade and but there were animatronics everywhere with

there was like a little part where there was a jail with snidely whiplash the point that they were harassing you animatronics are pointing out your flaws following you out to your car but that was like in Calgary if you were having a birthday it was happening at Bullwinkle's but that's how it was here

birthdays were like Chuck E. Cheese when I went to Chuck E. Cheese after Bullwinkle's, because Chuck E. Cheese was very brightly lit, and it was very, like, for kids, but Bullwinkle's felt like they accidentally made a nightclub and then at the last second didn't get a liquor license. Didn't get a liquor license. All we got was grenadine.

So in the end, they just decided to make it accessible for kids. It was the best, and now it's a place in Calgary called Shank's. It's a sports bar. Did you ever go to the Flintstone Funland? Yes. Yes. Well, okay, go ahead. By hope, right?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I went as a child. I don't remember it at all. I kind of remember. Okay, see, I'm glad. But no rides or anything. No.

My parents would never stop. But no rides or anything. No. My parents would never stop. Because we'd come on the ferry from Victoria and then drive back through. And I'd always pick up the pamphlet on the ferry for the Flintstones Wonderland. And just poke my dad in the neck with it. How about this? This would be fun for the whole family.

You'd be wrong. Yeah. And he knew it. So he never let us go and but this is the thing in calgary there was an amusement park called callaway park which was short for away from calgary cal away and it used to be a flintstones themed park but the i guess maybe hannah barbara was like yoink we're not interested in this anymore you can maybe have a snaggle post part you're gonna have a droopy dog and that's all we're offering

and so everything about it was still flintstones except there was no flintstone theme to it and they just changed the name but it still had like all the flintstone houses and the garbage scans looked like but it didn't have any explanation on it like it wasn't like previously Flintstones now Calloway well let's get let's get to know me we'll save you for later

we'll see how well that goes in this past two weeks I had a bunch of stuff happen oh man we should tape this every two weeks maybe that's the key. No. Oh, okay. All right.

I want it as often as possible. Well, two weekends ago, I went down to Seattle to visit my brother, and it turns out he is a podcast listener. Oh, right. You were saying that somehow he found the podcast. Yeah, and I've never told him about it and he just randomly found it yeah well i think he googles me daily okay also let me throw in at this point what we were talking about the kitchen before my friend who complained that i didn't give

a shout out to him because i didn't know he was downloading the podcast because i didn't know that he knew that i had a podcast but i'm giving a shout shout out to Neil McClain. There, I've done it. All right, and I'll give a shout out to my brother, but he doesn't care. I'm giving it out to my mom. Your mom doesn't listen to you? No, but she will now. Yeah, she will.

But one thing, I was a little... Reticent about? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Reticent, is that it? No, I don't think those are the words. But you get my drift. My brother was the one in my house who enforced no swearing. Oh, really?

Like my parents were kind of... Is he like a Christian guy or something? He's super Christian. Is he really? No. Oh, okay. But that's not a reasonable... He'll get a laugh out of that because he's 20% of our audience

but no yeah and I just felt a little weird because we swear on the podcast did he tattletale on you? no he didn't what does he say like Dave you're better than that? is that what it is?

no he didn't mention it at all but I feel that I'm letting him down in a way why does he care about swearing? Well, as a... I don't know. Because he was... My parents never really cared.

I guess they sort of did, but he was the one who carried the torch for no swearing when I was a kid. And it was... So... But we couldn't even say, like, fart. What? That's not even a swear. I know.

Did he punch you? What happened? Yeah. How did this work? If you swore, then what? He would just say, please don't? No. I'm going to go tell mom.

I don't know if he would tattle. No, I think he would threaten me. And I was always... Body melt. I always bought into the threats. But what... I was afraid to be told upon. But I...

Yeah, we couldn't say fart. And so instead, we used to say dirty noise. You should have said Bronx cheer. That's my favorite allusion to a fart. And then dirty noise got... Dirty noise is so stupid. Dirty noise got contracted into dirts.

Okay, dirts is okay. But it sounds grosser than fart. Yeah, well, I don't know. Yeah, it does, actually. Who dirtst? Oh, dirts. It smells like dirts in here. That sounds like it went a little beyond a fart.

But this whole not swearing thing became so huge that we, as we grew up, we would know about words. But we would often allude to them just by saying, instead of saying fart, we would refer to that word as the F word for dirts. Because there's another F word that you know of. There's a couple actually and there's so many swear words that we would have to specify each uh like oh that's the c word for penis not the c word for vagina it gets all super convoluted why that doesn't make any sense to me why why why doesn't he like swearing i don't know is he still like that he's still oh yeah well i don't think like he wields no power over me now no i know but i don't understand somebody because like

you're kids right at the time you're kids well he was eight years older than me okay so you were how old uh a variety of ages i was x minus eight. And he was eight years older. Whenever this campaign of non-swearing, is that as long as you can remember? Yeah. That's wild. That's great. No, because in my house, my mom swore.

My dad didn't swear as much. But we swore and that wasn't even a... But we were made to know if you do that at school, you'll get punished. So don't do that. But that's why his comedy's blue. Right.

That's why I'm so blue now. That's why I'm bluer than Greg Ketcher. I don't understand the eight years. I love that we throw inside jokes on this podcast. He's eight years older. My sister's ten years older. We never swore. Right.

But that's the... Isn't a big deal. I just meant that that was why he was kind of an authority figure. You're not telling us something. Okay. But it seems weird that I don't understand why he would care. That just seems like a weird thing. I want to delve into the psyche of Dave Shumka.

So do I. I think you want to delve into the psyche of Mark Shumka. I do, actually. Mark, give me a call. You can get the number from Dave. Let's hash this out. It's in my phone. Let's hash this out. It's in my phone. Let's figure this out.

What else? Go. Well, yeah, I got a bunch of stuff that happened while I was gone. Should we just move on? Dude, just fire away. Just go where you want to go. Well, one day I was hired for a day to do a teaching workshop, a writing workshop for children. Oh, that's right.

You've done in the past. I've done that before, yeah. And Charlie's done. And I was super nervous about it because I didn't know what to teach children. And you don't like kids. I don't like kids. I don't want to be around kids. Teenagers you don't like? Just kids in general?

All kids. Anyone who can't vote. Okay, cool. Or drink. It is like prisoners or the gays. Oh, no, they have the vote now. The g cool. Or drink. It is like prisoners or the gays. Oh no, they have the vote now. The gays. Right, yeah. And prisoners, I think, can vote. That was a joke,

Jay. I know. Registered gays. Crazy racist joke. The gays aren't a race. Let's get that established. But I just, yeah, I didn't really know I was supposed to teach them about stand-up comedy and I realized I don't know the first thing.

You know the first thing, but you probably don't know how to tell them about the first thing. I kind of told them how to write a joke or tell a story and flip it around and take a regular thing and make it weird or look for what it weird. Right.

Or look for what's weird. So how many kids did you teach? It was two groups of 15. So we're going to have like 30 kids that are going to be like holding a microphone all weird. Be like, ha ha! Yeah, I told them how to hold the microphone. Pretty much almost hump it. I've been told that I hump the microphone stand. You do indeed.

And yeah. But I told them how to... I gave them like a format for how to write a joke. But I guess it was too advanced because they were garbage. And you start yelling, that's all right. That's not funny. That's hack. Don't laugh at your own stupid joke.

No one else is laughing. Don't fill in the spaces by talking really fast, kid. Anyway. Height beer is delicious. Height beer is the best. What else happened? While Graham was out of town, I also hosted his show at Lime. Down at the Limeroo.

Oh, yes, you did. Yeah, and that was kind of fun you ruled yeah that's what jane said you did a really good job dave adam was really good the following week adam pateman hosted the week after and he packed the place there's a big load there's a big boatload of talent in this city yeah it makes me want to cry but uh in a good way no okay okay okay one thing that happened at the show is Football Girl. Yeah. I forgot about this.

Yeah, go ahead. She, well, at Graham's show, there used to be a regular named Football Guy. He's moved out into the, like, he's moved out to, like, White Rock. He was at Laugh Life. Yes. Yeah, I know, but that's where he lives out the way now, yeah. And he used to come with a girl named football gal yeah we don't know uh his name's mark but we don't i don't know her

name i don't know her name is actually football her name is cincinnati bengal she uh she was in the audience and you give away prizes so i gave away prizes when i hosted one of the best prizes ever uh one of the best prizes ever was this this uh painting phenomenal in a frame yeah of this it looked like heavy metal it was yeah it was like heavy metal magazine or the side of a van. Yeah. Kind of a fantastic painted comic thing of a very voluptuous woman. Very voluptuous? She had a big ass. Big ass, wearing a thong. No top and just a thong on.

You don't see her front. You just saw her from behind. Holding a knife, being approached by a crazy-eyed tiger. And the tiger was looking right at her. Oh, I think they were, like, having at it. I don't think it was approached. It was like, this is to the death. Well, this was the moment before they were about to fight. Okay.

Yeah, it was a great painting, and I drew the number of the winning ticket. I bet you there was a brouhaha over that one. Nobody answered. Really? I called it out. No bet you there was a brouhaha over that one. Nobody answered. I called it out. No one was there. And so the audience told me to redraw. So I did. I pulled out the next ticket.

A very nice gentleman came up to claim the prizes. And then football girl came up and said, Oh, I was in the bathroom. Those are mine. Whoa. How did you resolve that? What did you do, Dave?

I told them to fight for it. And then I said that, well, you should know better, football girl. And maybe these do belong to this guy. You know that we do the draws. You shouldn't go to the bathroom at all. Right. But the guy was very nice and gave her everything except the video that he won. What video was it?

It was Iced. Iced? How was it? I'm really sad that I didn't get to watch Iced. Graham gives away a terrible movie every week. Every week. And I am unable to watch terrible movies. I watched it, but it was hard.

I watch them every week. It was so bad. There were a couple scenes where at the beginning, you can hear the end of the director saying, action. No. It was that bad? God, I wish I had seen that,

because that one looked like it was phenomenal. Who was in that? Who was the lead? Nobody. Nobody. No one at all. No. The preview, you can tell it's going to be a bad movie when the previews before the movie

have nudity in them. Yeah. And Jan Michael Vincent. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Nah, he's one of the patron saints of horrible movies, Jan Michael Vincent. I kind of want to get it now, the fact that you could hear action. No, you can't get it.

That's the key to these movies. It belongs to that guy who won. But football girl or gal, she took the painting. I thought the other guy, he got... She took the painting and a t-shirt and something else, but he just took the video.

Okay. Anyway, fascinating. And I think that's about it. That happened to me. Yeah. Pretty good. Yeah. That's pretty good.

Yeah. But Graham... Yeah, Dave. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. But Graham. Yeah, Dave. Let's get to know you. What happened to you in the last couple of weeks? Yeah, what happened? I don't know. I went out to Toronto, Ontario. Why'd you go there? Just let me roll

into it nice and softly. I went out there to be a part of a comedy competition that we were discussing earlier. You're done with wine. I poured it all in your glass. Thanks.

They were originally going to send me out there on train and then that fell through, unfortunately, because I was hoping to solve a murder on the train. You love intrigue. So they flew me out, and I went to Toronto to compete in the Yuck Yucks Great Canadian Laugh Off. I've heard of this.

Yeah. And I went, and I competed, and I spent some time in Toronto and then I won the thing. What? No! Yes, you guys knew that. That's some good acting though. And was there a prize associated with it? There was. You got a gift certificate to

Dave and Busters or whatever the fuck it was called. Yeah, there was a cash, there was a sizable cash prize. That's right. That makes me want to quit my day job. Why? You won $25,000.

Is that right? 25 large. I said, I told this on stage because John introduced me the other night. I think he was going to mention the podcast, but he just said that you won a bunch of money. And then it was like, Dave Shumka. That's a really good introduction. And I said, I came up with an idea of what you should do with your $25,000.

You should find a hitman that charges $10,000 and hire him to kill the cast of Two and a Half Men. We both know that John Cryer carries around some pretty heavy security that's true and the half man many threats on his life

so yeah I did that tell us about it the competition? the competition I the night I was because you had to go out there and you had to do like a preliminary round to qualify for the finals which were on Sunday.

So my preliminary round was on Thursday. And I was... Honestly, when I'm in competition, I don't really watch the show. I don't really pay a lot of attention. Just because... I don't know. It's not going to be fun to sit there and watch them. So I don't really bother.

Did you pull Bullet? No, I didn't know. It's not going to be fun to sit there and watch them, so I don't really bother. Did you pull Bullet? No, I didn't. I pulled on the show I was on. I think I was on fourth. Ooh, that's a good one. Yeah, that was a good spot. How many people qualified from this show? Just one?

One. One from each show during the week. Wasn't it Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday? Two on Friday, two on Saturday. Yeah, so there were eight in the final. No females. No females in there were eight in the final. And so, yeah, I was. No females in the competition at all? Ever.

No, there were females. Well, because they can't vote. Yeah. Completely. There were females. None of them got through the final. Of course they didn't. Jane, when are you going to learn women aren't funny?

They aren't. Whoa. At all. Hey, hey, you. Margaret Cho? Margaret Cho.aret this is gonna get weird uh anyways so yeah i did that thursday night and i got through on that and then you had to wait until the sunday to compete which was kind of excruciating kind of spoiled the rest of the time in toronto to be honest like because then it was just tension you have to wait yeah question to you the sunday how long do they tape for because it's not like a normal show when they do it isn't it like don't you have to be there for a couple hours and like

two or three hours when you're there oh sunday yeah sunday because sunday was the big final we had to show up for uh dress rehearsal well you had to show up for a dress rehearsal. Well, we had to show up at a dress rehearsal at like... Like do your jokes? Like a dress rehearsal? No, no, no. Okay. But you had to show up and they had to run through all these things. So we had to be there at...

Did you bring your props to the early show? Yeah, I brought my prop trunk and made sure it was all lit properly. We were there at four. And your ventriloquist, I mean. Yeah, yeah. I made sure he was waxed. What's his name again? Bucko.

Bucko. Bucko. Like a bucket, but not. Yeah. So then they did the dress rehearsal and then they sent you. What time did you have to be there at? Four o'clock. And it started at what?

Eight? Nine? Well, we were there at four and then they let us go. And I remember specifically saying, by the time they let us go, I said, you've left us with exactly the perfect time to do absolutely nothing. You've left us with exactly enough time to go back, have a shower, change, and come back. That's it.

That's all the time I had. So that's what I did, and then we got back there at 6, and then we sat around for an hour and a half, and then, whoa, what are you, yawning? No. Jane faked yawn. But Jane was the one who was like, what time did all this take place? You were the one who started this line of questioning, Stantos.

I'm tired. I have no more coffee. Do you want a beer, Jane? Yes, please. Oh, so Dave's just going to leave. So I'll just ramble on from here. He's listening. Go. So you had to be back by 6. So I'll just ramble on from here. He's listening. Go.

So you had to be back by six. Go. Yeah, I went back by six. We stuck around for an hour. But this was the best part, was Rob Pugh and Aaron Berg, two comics that I like to think take no shit. Basically, they just, hey, Grandpa, how's it going? That's Dave's dog. It just weaseled his way into the room.

He's sneaky. He did. He did a very sneaky move. Oh, look. It's my new boyfriend. What's going on? Hi. Alright. Dave came back and got Jane some alcohol. Coffee. Some alcoholic coffee.

Irish coffee. Anyways, Dave Ehrenberg and Rob Pugh just decided to fuck off and go get something to eat or whatever. And the rest of us, like a bunch of sheep, just sat in the hot dressing room for another hour and a half. And then they taped the show and there was nowhere really to be. You couldn't really watch the show. I don't know if anybody did well or not. I have no idea. Electrifying.

Yeah, that's basic. But that's how it is. What time were you done it, though? Fast forward to... I don't remember. I think it was probably like 10.30. So we were there most of the day. The competition sounds really boring.

It was. It was really boring. It was. What else happened there? It was just a lot of hours. It was. What else happened there? It was just a lot of hours. This is where everything turns into hilariousness. Afterwards, lots of drinking, right?

Everybody's drinking. They gave free drinks to us. Right. We went to some bar and there was free drinks. At what time did you go to the bar? I don't remember. There was a lot of drinking. And then afterwards, I really needed to get something to eat because I hadn't eaten all day.

But I was super drunk. So then myself and Ben Mills, our traveling correspondent, who was also there, and jumping out of the free drinks, correspondent who was also there and jumping out of the free drinks which is the great thing about ben mills is that he always managed to just end up in that's gonna get stuck uh freeing his way into stuff yeah he but food or alcohol i've noticed it's great is anytime there's like a big event you just turn around then ben mills just happens to be there and everybody in the party knows him like he's not like who's that guy everybody's like hey is ben mills just happens to be there and everybody in the party knows him like he's not like who's that guy everybody's like hey is ben mills gonna come to the next place and they're like how do you know ben mills is oh no he's like we just met him and he's awesome so that's that's how ben mills does and so we went out and got something to eat i lost my notebook we went back and found it it was lying

on queen street no yeah and i found, and then I promptly lost it again. But luckily in my drunken haze, I bought two bars of soap that were carved like angels and stuffed them in my pocket and found them the next morning, only they'd been thoroughly crushed. Oh, drunk Graham. Yeah, drunk Graham. And I had to maintain with slivers of soap in my pockets for the next four days. Nice.

Well, I think now would be a good time to bring up Ben Mills called in from the road. Yeah. There's a lot more I want to hear from you. Yeah. But Ben Mills talks about you, so let's listen to what Ben Mills has to say from New York. From New York City. This is Ben Mills, and hopefully this works out. I'll redo the thing.

I was in New York, and the Pope was in New York, and he was driving around doing this little Pope rally that they'd set up, and I was walking by, so I was like, well, I'd as well stay and watch it. And it was really boring. It's just an old guy in a car and then a bunch of other cars with guys with guns. And I was kind of let down. And then I was walking by the Ed Sullivan Theater where Letterman is shot. And at the Hello Deli, there was Rupert G and a guy dressed up like the fake pope.

And I was starstruck. I was totally taken aback. But the best part of New York was Graham being really drunk and then standing on a subway platform and pissing into a water bottle. That was spectacular. And I will call again when I have more stories on the road. Yes. Thanks to Ben Mills for that.

Yeah, that pissing in the water bottle, that was something I was going to bring up. What? Yeah. Yeah, no. Like it's normal. Yeah. No, yeah, Jane. That was something I was going to bring up. What? Yeah. Yeah, no. Like it's normal. Yeah. No, yeah, Jane. That's how it happened.

Because we were in Queens in New York City. Did you meet the King of Queens? Here's the thing. When we were rolling into there, I said to, because the whole time Ben and I were on the subway, every time a subway passed by, we would do the theme song from Night Court, right? Because... Exactly.

It was the natural, hilarious thing. Can you? Yeah. That's what I call New York City, actually, is the place where Night Court was set. So we would do that. But then when we were going to Queens, I started singing the theme song from King of Queens, and he didn't know it. I don't know it at all.

Really? No. I'm the King of Queens. That's not how it goes. Here I come. I'm the King. Leo Remy is my wife. King of Queens.

No, that's not it. Isn't it? It's my... My eyes are getting weary. My back is getting tight. That is the theme song. Isn't it? It's my... My eyes are getting weary. My back is getting tight. That is the theme song. I hate it already. Well, fuck you.

I've never watched the show. So we were in Queens, and much like the sitcom King of Queens, we were on a subway platform, and I had to piss. But the thing about New York, the entire time I was there, is there's a tremendous amount of civic pride

in New York City. There's not a lot of litter and like people are really friendly and they're really outgoing and you can tell that people are like they love the city and so I was standing on the subway platform and everybody treated us so good I didn't want to just piss all over. Like

here I would piss all over City Hall. I don't give a shit because You don't give an F over City Hall. I don't give a shit because the city – You don't give an S word for poo. I don't give an S word for poo because nobody in the city cares about this city. But in New York, everybody really cares about the city. Nobody does. They do. No, you don't.

No, you don't either. I love this city. You are lying. You said last night you were mad so mad when they were talking about on the tv or like vancouver's most beautiful city you're like enough enough i'm tired of that too i am it's beautiful but beyond that it's fucking a bore beautiful 40 days a year and let's say this max high five after being in new york and every but listen everywhere we went people people were very...

There were just manners. There were a lot of manners. If you held a door over somebody, they'd say thank you. They don't do that here. If you asked for directions, they'd stop. They do not do that here. I've had... Just today, I had three doors slam on my face.

I held doors open for multiple people who said nothing. Mind you, you are a doorman. Yes. By trade. Well, that is by trade. That is the sacrifice I have decided to make. Yeah. Because I love opening and closing doors.

And also, I had somebody push me on the train today. Which train? The subway? No, on the SkyTrain. Because it was such a fucking huge Saturday rush that some guy felt he needed to push me out of the way to get on the train that 15 of us total were getting on. He's got to get to the sustainability festival. Or he might have been going to Laugh Lines in New York. Early for the 4 p.m. show.

Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I'm shocked by the... I was shocked by the politeness of New York, and then I was re-shocked by the rudeness of Vancouver upon my return. But I think the politeness came after 9-11. No, I disagree, because I was there pre-9-11. So was I.

And they were just as polite. Well, not to redheads, but to the general population. Whoa. Whoa. What is 9-11? Is it like a steak sauce? 9-11 is a, it's like a domino, it's like game like Domino's. It's like.

Okay. Sounds like fun. It's like Mahjong. So yeah. Anyway, so I pissed in a bottle because they didn't want to piss all over the place. Like in a corner? Did you hide? Or did you just pee in a bottle? No, it was just me and Ben.

Yeah, it was me and Ben. They have cameras down there. No, they don't. They totally do. Yeah, well, are they going to catch them? They didn't. They didn't. They will now.

I pissed in a bottle and I threw the bottle in the garbage. You didn't recycle? No, they don't recycle in New York. That was the other thing I thought of. That's a trade-off for Vancouver. We recycle, but we're rude. Yeah, I would rather take the politeness over the not recycling. I'll tell you that.

People from here don't think we're rude. People from here think... I know a lot of people that live here do actually think that. I've never met anybody who said Vancouver's a friendly city. I ignore everybody. Yeah, I think a lot of people here do, though. I've never met anybody who said Vancouver is a friendly city. I ignore everybody. Yeah. I think a lot of people here do, though, because there's a lot of crazy people walking around the streets.

I think we've talked about this. On this podcast? Maybe. Okay. Well, anyway. I always wear sunglasses and headphones, so nobody talks to me. Yeah. A lot of people do.

Not that that's a danger. But it's crazy, because in New York, even if you're just standing there and you kind of look like you're lost, people will just ask you where you're going. Where you're headed. Yeah. Or if you have a book, because I had that. Exactly. I had Lonely Planet, and they're like, where are you going? Yeah.

But here's the thing. After two days. Oh, you're reading the new Dan Brown. Where are you going? To a book signing? Where are you going? To a book signing? After two days, I was asked no less than eight times for directions.

So I guess I must have looked like I was from New York. It's the hat. Yeah. That's what Ben said. I'm like, well, I'm the only person I've seen so far wearing a hat like this. Well, you were wearing a bailiff outfit from Night Court. Yeah, I was dressed like Bull from Night Court. You were looking up. Or Marshall Warfield.

That's a huge thing people say in Manhattan. People look up and you can tell they're tourists. They're looking up at the buildings. The big buildings, yeah.

But if you were walking straight, like you are like a speed walker, then people would be like, he lives here. Yeah, everybody... So you were like fast-paced.

Everybody thought that I got asked for directions a lot and then I started giving them regardless of my knowledge base. Well, Broadway in Vancouver is ninth, so I would head for ninth.

Head east. See some plays. So, yeah, that was that, pissing on the subway platform. But talk to me more about the contest. What about it? The competition. Suck it to me. Ask a question.

I will answer it. Well, what do you think about this? Winning the big money, winning the prize. You were in a couple newspapers. I was. Is it going to open doors for you? What are you going to do with the money? I want, more than anything, I want to not work at the warehouse.

Graham works at a warehouse. I work at a warehouse, and I hate it. A book warehouse, but not the book warehouse. A warehouse of books. Yes. That supplies the book warehouse. That's right. It's like an onion.

But I don't... Nobody wants to work in a warehouse. And that's the thing. I could spend the money on a lot of things. But I think that the best thing would be to not work at a warehouse for... Even if it's for half a year to get away from it. Forever! Yeah, forever.

Come on! I should reach for those stars. Fuck that! I should reach for the stars, yeah. Forever. I remember when I reached for the stars, I thought, I'm not going to work in a warehouse for six months. That's how I reached for the stars. yeah. Forever. I remember when I reached for the stars, I thought, I'm not going to work in a warehouse for six months. That's how I reached for the stars.

Those were quite the stars. But yeah, that's the big thing. Like, I don't really have, like, I'd like to buy a new computer. Like, it's really boring shit. Like, I'm not going to spend it on anything. Because I didn't think I was going to win. Right. So, the whole...

You won $3,000 for winning the Vancouver one, right? Yes, but I divided it up. What do you mean? I made a deal with everybody in the final rounds. So we divvied it up. So I only actually won $800 for that. Oh, I didn't hear that. You suck.

No, I don't. We didn't let you know that. I ruled because I made a thing that before we ever... Even the competition even started, I commissioned it or not commissioned. I commissioned a painting. I had everybody on commission

do this. Yes. But I did. I asked everybody if they'd be interested in splitting the money. No matter who won? No matter who won. Wow. And we'd all pool the money. What a bunch of communists. There was one person that was very hesitant. I won't say his name or her oh wait no

you said it no i didn't say there was one person who was between old music or touch and toes. Was it No. That was code. No, he was very much in. No, no, it's Alright, well, you guys can mention it after the show. Apparently you don't want to mention it to our 20 listeners. There was one person that was not interested.

But anyways. I got a feeling our listeners are going to go up now that you've won this. Possible thing. This thing. I tried to mention the podcast to one of the reporters that asked me questions, but I never made it to the press. And he was like, fuck you. Don't care. Podcast, podcast, and go. I want to talk about.

What newspapers were you in? I wasn't actually in any. I was in the Toronto Star. Or no, the Toronto Sun, sorry. And you were on the National Post website. I was on a lot of websites. I was on the National Post. Print that stuff. Yeah, I've done that. Okay. You don't have to yell at me.

Well, I didn't. You can rewind and find out. But here's the thing. I want to talk about... Because I haven't been out to Toronto in a long time. No, there was one thing that... Because I had one day where I could just hang out in Toronto before I went to New York and just enjoy. So Ben Mills and I were making a big joke about how awesome the CN Tower is because it's the ugliest piece of shit ever. It's horrible. And it's literally visible.

Do you? Really? I'm just being... You're just being how... Yeah. So we kept making jokes about it. I hated Juno. Well... What? Oh, is this going to be a thing? No, we're not going to talk about it. I just strongly disliked it. I didn't hate it. He's trying to be artsy. Continue. Juno was the one trying to be artsy.

Okay. Duke it out on Juno was the one trying to be artsy. Okay, duke it out on Juno. No, no, no. Because I have to count a piece. If you guys want to duke it out on Juno. Me too. So you're not getting out that easily. No. Okay, so we kept making jokes about the CN Tower

so much so that it came to a point. You know, it's like when you see... The CN Tower does come to a point. Here's the thing, right? Because it's, you know it's like when you see the tower does come to a point um here's the thing right because it's you know like in a movie where there's like a guy and a girl and they keep making jokes about like what if we were a couple and then eventually they make out it's that kind of thing like we kept making fun of like what if we go up to the cn tower and then eventually we're like we have to go do it and it's expensive though isn't it like 20 bucks? 20 bucks. But it was all right. Hey, Graham just won $25,000.

That's right. I had 20 bucks to spare. I didn't know. Here's the thing. When you go up the CN Tower, they have this thing. It's the best, funniest, but shittiest thing ever. They have a table set up, like a dining room table with wine glasses and stuff that you can sit at, and they'll take your picture.

It's in front of a green screen. Oh, that's the picture I saw. With all the people? It's in front of a green screen, and they take your photo, and then they digitally place you at the top of the CN Tower. But you're already physically there.

You're already en route to the CN Tower. Yeah, you're already there, but they'll fake a picture of you at the top of where you're going to go. And then when we went up, they will fake a picture of you climbing the outside of the CN Tower. And so there were all these pictures of these old ladies, like King Kong, hanging off of the CN Tower. And we were like, in what book of memories would you put that photo of me? Like, remember when I was

a giant mutant hanging off of the sea of time? I have a box. No one gets their film developed anymore. No, but old people. Old people are the worst. Jane Stanton gets her films developed. That's why she loved Juno.

That's my new code word for old. Alright, enough about Juno. Yeah, enough about Juno. That's my new code word for old. Juno. All right, enough about Juno. Yeah, enough about Juno for crying out loud. You guys, like, seriously, just let it go. It's just one movie. Oh, I'm not mad about it. You're the one who's mad about it. I'm not mad at all.

Your face is red. What's your hair? Whoa, come on. Let's not hit below and above the belt. Gross. Firecracker, you know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. Why?

Did you guys have to go blue? We went red. Yo! I was going to say it, but I thought, no, too easy. See, I thought you were a better comic than that. No, I've seen millionaires pick up quarters. Here, think about it. Think about it.

Are we going to do Overheard? Yeah, let's do Overheard. So, that's Graham's thing. If you want to know more about Graham, consult your library. Yeah, I mean, we'll talk about it more as the weeks go on, as I'm sure things will creep back up into the consciousness. Yeah. The public.

Yeah, into the public consciousness. All right, let's talk about overheard overheard alright who wants to start Jane you said you had a

crackerjack overheard I had a good one today I work at I work on Granville Island and there's a phone number I didn't know a 1-800 busker number

that if there's buskers that are being rude or inappropriate... Shut up! Don't like my busking? Yep. You can phone it and they can be like booted out of the buskers. No! Yes! Really? Yes. Did you write

down the number? No, I... It's 1-800-BUSKER. It's 1-800- It's not enough numbers, but... Is there really a number? Yes, there is. Did you write it down? I will get it. Okay, yes. Because I have one I want to report.

I think we all... It's if they're being inappropriate, like take their pants off or make you flowers from napkins or something like that. I just thought it was a good one. See, I thought you guys would enjoy it. That is so good. And if they're being too loud, which was a weird one. Or they've been in one place for too long. I'm like, that's their whole thing. Or if they're being too erotic.

They're getting too erotic? Erotica. That's pretty good. That was my one that I loved. My one, I saw a news story about people who call 911 when it's not an emergency, and they played a bunch of clips of just stuff people had said. This is already funny. And one was a woman who was calling and saying,

they're really fat girls and they're wearing bathing suits. Calling 911 to report fat chicks in bathing suits. Pretty good. Pretty good. I don't have anything else to add to it, but I thought... That's really funny. It doesn't need it. You know what?

It's so solid. It's a member of the so solid crew here's uh okay i got this is a this is kind of an extended this is an extended uh overheard but i think you'll appreciate it ouch uh you will appreciate it that was jane but um we caught the. We caught the Greyhound down to New York. You and Ben? Me and Ben Mills. Caught the Greyhound down to New York. Ben Mills and I.

Ben Mills and I. We got on and at one of the stops, an Amish family got on. An AF. An AF. I've never actually seen an Amish person. I mean, I've seen them in movies and stuff, but I've never actually seen an amish person like i mean i've seen them in movies and stuff but i've never actually seen like an amish like me with black people yeah you've never actually seen one but you've heard about i've seen them in movies yeah and you enjoy their music yeah um but here's the thing they look exactly like they do in the movies which is great

and they were on the bus and so that was fantastic and when we were at customs a reality show was being filmed at customs called u.s border guards called nick lachey okay stop for two seconds is the amish the people that okay the beards and the hats harrison ford witness yes yeah okay yes so we were the border, and then this reality show producer came up to them and said, we're shooting a reality show called – And you are hilarious. Well, that's basically what it amounted to. They were like, we're shooting a reality show called U.S. Borders,

and we're looking for people who are kind of different or whatever. And literally you could see on their face that they were like – What's a reality show? What's a reality show? What does that mean? so that was beautiful but then we got on the bus and we were waiting we were waiting at the border and the border isn't very far from buffalo right it's it's like about it's 10 minutes away i didn't know that at a time but the the bigger the biggest guy of the amish crew the the fattest guy, got up and went into the Greyhound bathroom and took the biggest growler of a shit. Like, honestly.

And this was the best. We were sitting across the aisle from this couple. And at one point, the girl just starts pulling up her jacket over her face. And she's like what's what is that and the guys she says that that's the guy like cuz it was like we all smelled it but nobody was saying anything and then the guy that was with the girl just said oh that shit is disgusting and then she like burst out she goes that was a shit? She was astounded that that was the smell.

Well, it was really bad. Maybe it was just buffalo. So then he walks out of the bathroom and we couldn't stand it. So she empties about half of her perfume bottle. No, that makes it worse. Well, that's what he said. And he goes, now it just smells like a hooch of shit. mask worse well that's because that's what he said and he goes now it just smells like a hoochie shit and and then he says because he's so mad at this amish guy for doing this on purpose to us that he says uh i feel sorry for that guy's ass he says that super loud and then we travel black

yes because your voice was and they were black that's why I was doing it. And so then we drove 10 minutes to Buffalo and the Amish people got off. So he could have held it in, but he took that shit on the bus on purpose. And fuck that guy. He threw it down. He threw it down. He said, hey, you know what? You guys are missing what? Amish life.

Why wasn't he on a horse and buggy? No, they could take the bus. Why could they take the bus? They can't watch reality TV. Hardly seems fair. So that was my three-part overheard right there. Oh, I had a shit one. Never mind.

Oh, I'm sure it'll come back to you. S-word for poo. I think that will be one of our sponsors this week. S-word for poo. I think that will be one of our sponsors this week. S-word for poo. I think that's something I'm going to institute from now on. Every time someone swears, I'm going to clean it up. You're going to clean it up. You should.

Good for you. On his deathbed, my brother told me, Oh, you guys didn't know he was dead? Oh, now you guys are dicks. Gives a world of gravity to it. Oh, I feel it. All right. Well, should we wrap gravity to it. I feel it. All right. Well, should we wrap it up?

Let's wrap it up. This was a nice first podcast back. I enjoyed myself. It's because I was wearing my Uggs. Yeah, I don't like it. Let's not talk about it. Let's not start a fight right at the end of the show. Jane.

Is it Jane? It is Jane. Is there anything you want to plug? My Uggs. Your one-woman show that you started. My one-woman show? Yeah. it's called me and my uggs life with freckles and uh yeah well i think this is a good solid it has been pretty good thanks a lot for uh

downloading or two minutes oh yeah and if you uh want to contact us uh it's stop podcasting yourself at gmail.com. If you're my brother and you have problems with what I said, that's the address. And my phone number is... Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, Jane. And stoppodcastingyourself.blogspot.com is where we post the recaps of the episode. It's good to be back. It's good to be home. I will see you next week

and we'll do this again. Thanks a lot for tuning in, everybody. Stop podcasting yourself. Super dupes. Thank you.