Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 113 5/8/22

Episode Date: May 8, 2022

Mike recounts being at The Chappelle show where he was attacked, we talk about Norm’s memorial and then get into news about escaped convicts, Canadian abortions and Sydney Sweeney getting cat-called... at The Met Gala. Follow Mike Gibbons on Instagram @GibbonsTime

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sunday, Sunday, two, one. Here's mine. Three, two, get ready for nothing. There it is. All right. Go ahead, sir. Headphones in. Read all about it. There we go. Read all about it.
Starting point is 00:00:34 Happy news. Sad news. Mostly sad coming from Gibbons taking a look at his fucking hair. He's been here that bad. Well, I mean, I just, okay. What's wrong with you? I mean, what a horrible way to get on the Zoom call this morning. All right.
Starting point is 00:00:53 So I didn't want, you know, listen, I haven't even looked. I don't know anything about this podcast. I'm in my closet. All right, it's bad enough I do this from my closet, this podcast, right? I am now in my underwear in the podcast. Hey, now. Everybody, especially ladies, keep it in your pants.
Starting point is 00:01:12 It's not as sexy as it sounds. I finally fell asleep at three. I have this job that turned sideways yesterday a little bit with Sir David Letterman, who's been nothing but sweet. But we kind of like we're all of a sudden we're in a joke crisis and we got three more shows, which we do six of tonight. So I'm unprepared. Jesus. And then I come to this expecting a little screaming positive energy. And you're like you were just telling Chris, the producer, that you want to quit comedy. I'm not, I don't get it anymore.
Starting point is 00:01:48 I just don't get comedy. It just seems so selfish. Like, everybody shut up. I want the whole room quiet while I talk for an hour. And if anybody dares talk, we're going to have these big bouncer guys that eject you from the premises because i'm that important and i'm just like you know this this netflix is a joke festival has been going on in la and all these comedians but fucking puffy is doing dodger stadium yeah for 40 000 people everybody's doing the hollywood bowl night after night fuck off will everybody just stop with this
Starting point is 00:02:26 comedy bullshit the festival is has been exhausting exhausting uh emotionally you know and not only physically yeah it really and then yeah the hitting uh where do we begin so i was at the chapelle show where he got tackled right i'm laying in bed on tuesday night i went to bed early so it's like 10 45 and all of a sudden my phone fucking deck you have you have quit comedy yeah go ahead yeah i know and uh well it's tuesday night and uh and it's you saying you're not going to believe what just happened at the hollywood bull chapelle's attack and i kind of laughed i thought it was a joke and well earlier in the night night I said, let's go. Adam Eget was in town. We were at Norm MacDonald's Memorial.
Starting point is 00:03:08 What a day. Good Lord. Yeah. We'll talk about that. So there's not going to be much news in Sunday papers today because we have to keep this like an hour because of me. And so, and I apologize. But, all right, so that day, anyway, I called you like, hey, Ipelle and so i was at the bowl and so this is his fourth night or something so i was like hey our buddy our good buddy chuck sklar who's one of chris's favorite writers goes you go into the bowl tonight i'm
Starting point is 00:03:37 like oh no you know i already saw him he's like you should go rock is going up i'm like what and so i immediately had just left you and Adam and said, let's go. This will be his first L.A. appearance that I know of since the slap. And so Chris Rock is present when another person charges the stage attacking a comedian. Thank God Chappelle had his own security and not fucking Chris Rock security. Rock needs to look into that detail. They're a little bit more excited about their jobs than Chris Rock's guys are. Yeah. I don't really care what your detail is. You could be like, you know, the premier of Israel. No one is anticipating Will Smith charging the stage and slapping you.
Starting point is 00:04:25 I think they could have been lax there. If Chappelle had been hosting or presenting at the Oscars and Will Smith smacked him, Chappelle's guys would have come out and smacked the shit out of Will Smith. I guarantee that. I'm wondering if Chappelle would have. Right. Yeah. It would have been very different. Oh,
Starting point is 00:04:53 so I will say this. So, all right. I'm at the bowl, a couple of little stories. So I'm at the bowl. What a lineup, especially compared to the first time I saw him. It was not great, but this lineup was, and I'll have no recall today, so I apologize in advance, but it was Michelle Wolf, then Sebastian, who, you know, it's almost like the Hollywood Bowl is almost like a small place for him. Right. And he actually made me chuckle a couple of times. And then Jimmy Carr. So I find this place called the Beer Garden, which wasn't crowded at all because I think everyone at the bowl seemingly was their first night at the Hollywood Bowl.
Starting point is 00:05:30 This is not the crowd that goes to see the L.A. Philharmonic. You know what I mean? So no one seemed to know about this beer garden, including me. I was like, oh, my God, what a find. So I go up there. Anyway, there's this big group of black people right next to me. And we're joking and having a blast. And then Jimmy Carr comes up. And the dude's like, dude, he's like, what's up with this British white guy? And I'm like, uh, the best is when someone's like, and what's that in your pocket? And you have like, you know, a 45 Magnum, 44 Magnum.
Starting point is 00:06:04 I'm like, uh like uh oh this guy i go yeah he will be the hardest guy to take the stage tonight including chapelle they all double over i'm the complete fucking idiot they're like get what this guy just said and die laughing three jokes later this fucker's right. This guy's crazy. Like Jimmy Carr was just unbelievable. He's great. Yeah. After Jimmy Carr, holy shit, dude.
Starting point is 00:06:35 I had never seen him. Earthquake. Earthquake's a legend. Fucking legend. I knew he was a legend. He was talking about how he left. I remember him talking about how he left Hollywood when he realized how hard it was for a black man to get roles
Starting point is 00:06:49 when Planet of the Apes came out and he couldn't even get seen by a casting director. He's talking about his wife being so not attracted to him. He's like, we should just always do it doggy style. And I want to give her a picture of hot black guys that she can look at during sex it was anyway his tag his runner which i'm sure is legendary is like uh these aren't jokes that's what he kept saying yeah he killed me yeah okay after earthquake uh all of a sudden uh jeff ross who's the mc uh builds a very big intro and uh and oh and i had told my friends here at the garden i'm like bye
Starting point is 00:07:37 oh no somehow they got they're like oh you already saw it so why are you back i'm like well there's a special guest tonight that i want to see so So whatever, who, who, who, I say no a few times. And then finally, I'm like, Chris Rock, they're like, get the fuck out of here. I'm like, listen, what do I know? But that's why I'm here. And so big intro happens. So I'm like, this is like, he's multiple Emmy winner, P-Buddy, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, see, this is Rock. All of a sudden, Jeff Ross is like, ladies and gentlemen, Jon Stewart. I'm like, what? And of course sudden jeff was like ladies and gentlemen john stewart i'm like what and of course they're all like this isn't and i'm like oh no did stewart take rock's place anyway stewart what was great about seeing stewart i'm not the hugest fan of his stand-up but
Starting point is 00:08:16 what was great about seeing him was that was the roe versus w day. And he was livid. He did a lot of funny standup, very self-deprecating and disarming of course. But he then goes, I didn't think I, I was going to try not to do this, but gets a piece of paper out of his pocket and goes, I, if I didn't write stuff down today in my hotel room, I would have jumped out the window. And so he then go, he wrote material like two hours old that he's doing in the bowl. So I thought that was a very comedy seller moment in the bowl. You know what I mean? And then, uh, then it dramatic set like, in other words, tonal change, it goes dark, a scrim comes down and now these guys, and now I'm, you know, going to the seats. I'm like, sorry, I guess, I guess Stewart replaced Rock. I go, cause this, this, this feels like Chappelle. So I then go to my seat and, but it's a like white scrim,
Starting point is 00:09:17 not Chappelle's sort of red, red scrim that he's been using. And it's white, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, all of a sudden announcer, not Jeff Rossoss i think comes on and goes ladies and gentlemen no doesn't say anything else and then out of the stage is and then dramatic this solo spotlight on chris rock and the place went crazy crazy i mean like i mean like like the best band ever in there it and he just walked the whole and i felt like i'm getting chills now telling it it was like this is the most unbelievable ovation for a man who showed restraint right right and and finally i mean he walked the whole length i don't i think he was taken aback by how strong the reaction was and then when he came back so his first line was like it's okay i'm doing fine and then he killed yeah way better than any time i've seen him in the last three years. Really? Or whatever.
Starting point is 00:10:25 More than that because of the pandemic. Well, he's in the middle of a tour. He's fucking, he's got it tight. He's got it down. Yeah. So sorry about the inside baseball, but I think we have comedy fans listening, maybe one or two.
Starting point is 00:10:37 So that was... No, I hung out with Jimmy Carr last night and he was telling me about that he just had lunch with david letterman yesterday oh wow very cool instead of him working on his beard job man that might have caused some of the delay yeah yeah so he had a big lunch with him and he uh they were talking about norm and you know letterman was just gushing and going on about him and one of them i can't remember one of them had a story about norm because i talked about when I, the last time I did a show with Norm, he got super baked.
Starting point is 00:11:09 It was me, him, and Joe Rogan at a benefit backstage. And Rogan pulls out a fucking cigar-sized joint. And Norm smokes it. And, like, he doesn't smoke a lot. And he smoked for 15 minutes. He just kept puffing on it. Even Rogan was dude take it easy are you all right and so then he goes out on stage and just like does a half a joke and then starts a different joke and then comes back to the first one and then he starts talking to someone in the crowd. It was the most unguided, not a laugh the entire time.
Starting point is 00:11:46 And then Carr said that, and again, I can't remember if it was him or Letterman saw this happen, but Norm smoked a little bit of pot and he walked on stage somewhere and he did his set and it went well. And then he told the crowd, I love you guys. I really love you. And he started crying.
Starting point is 00:12:09 And he said, this is where I'm happy. He goes, now I have to leave here and go out there. And I'm no good out there. I can only, I'm only good here. Oh. I don't understand it out there. I understand this. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. oh i don't understand it out there i understand this wow yeah
Starting point is 00:12:25 yeah i mean it's probably why there's so many norm stories where he's doing i mean so the memorial the stories were you know of course i'm people came this was the see if you agree first of all i see you we start chatting and then we start chatting. So, no, no, no. Please start at the beginning of the story when you went to check in. Oh, oh, my God. Well, already. OK, guess what, guys? There was a security line outside. I walk in and it's late because no one's on it. So there's not a soul around. It's on Hollywood Boulevard.
Starting point is 00:13:08 It has not started yet by any stretch, but everyone's already inside. And I then run down this security thing. I get there. And then all of a sudden the guy's there with the wand. So I put up my hands and all of a sudden I feel two hands on and around my asshole. And this time I am not wondering who it is. You didn't even turn around. I'm like, there he is.
Starting point is 00:13:34 On the street in the middle of Hollywood. It's 13 miles from where we live. This is like the odds of us arriving at that exact point. And I had even asked you the night before if you wanted to drive together, and you were like, nah, I'm going to have to go to work from there or whatever. So I was like, all right, I guess maybe I'll see you there. Right.
Starting point is 00:13:55 So we're talking together, and after the second person goes, hey, is that the Sunday paper? We're like, all right, we've got to go socialize with other people. So I wind up those sitting next to you. Turn to our right. Well, first of all, Dave right, we got to go socialize with other people. So I wind up those sitting next to you. Turn to our right. Well, first of all, Dave Koechner sat between us. Who is one of the favorite balls of energy on this planet? Yeah, absolutely.
Starting point is 00:14:15 Unbelievable, that guy. Anyway, to our right, what would you say? Three seats? Bill Murray. Yeah. Sandler to our left. You know, Spade, you know, the who's who. But they all told stories.
Starting point is 00:14:31 But anyway, this is what I was going to say. There's so many stories about him that the approach by most people was, I'm just, like Colin Quinn almost only told norm in elevator stories. Yeah. And then Spade goes, yeah. All right. You're going to hear,
Starting point is 00:14:52 you're going to hear story after story of story day. I'm just going to talk about norms texting. Like they had to find a sub genre of norm stories to, to be slightly original, you know. Right. The best was when Spade goes up, and the first two people that went up were, was it Steve O'Donnell from SNL?
Starting point is 00:15:15 Conan hosted. Oh, Conan went up and he got a standing ovation. And then Laurie Jo. And then Laurie went up and got a standing ovation. Yes. And then Spade gets introduced, and then he walks up to the mic and he goes, I guess the standing ovation portion of the show has wrapped up.
Starting point is 00:15:35 Oh, my God. I mean. Conan was fantastic. It was the perfect length, which was not long at all and super funny not about him yep all about norm not even like tangentially like you know whatever like no humble brags like what do you know about him on his show and like you know it was all great it was well he told the story of the the very famous moth joke that that that norm did on conan and he said norm came on and you know you have a producer when you go on a late night talk show as you know because that's what you've done so many years
Starting point is 00:16:15 and the producer meets talks with you the week before and you go over topics and you start to figure out what you're going to talk to the host about and then you beat out your story and you start to figure out what you're going to talk to the host about. And then you beat out your story and you review it with the producer. And so they do all that. He does a segment kills as he always does on Conan. Right. And then Conan goes, okay, we're going to be right back with more Norm MacDonald and cut to Norm's face. And he's like, what?
Starting point is 00:16:40 Like, and he goes to Norm, he goes, I don't have any more material. That was it. Norm said that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so, and so Conan's like, uh, well, you gotta have something. And he's like, uh, I don't know. I got it. It's my, who is it? His brother had just told him a joke. No, Colin Quinn earlier that day told him a 20, a 15 second joke. Yeah. And so he goes, 15 second joke. Yeah. And so he goes, yeah, I got this one joke. I guess I'll do the moth joke.
Starting point is 00:17:11 So he takes, and just Conan's description of what Norm did with that 15 second joke, how he opened it up to existential exploration and invoked Dostoevsky and Kant and like, you know, and he just described it. And the moth was part of a Russian family. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:29 And if you've never seen that bit, and I think 80 percent of people listening have seen that. Yeah, I think so. Just just Google moth joke and Norm Macdonald and see what he did on the fly. And they said, we need four minutes. And he did four minutes with the joke. I don't think it was. I don't think it was the moth joke appearance. But when we did Sports Show with Norm MacDonald, it was a, like, sports doesn't work on Comedy Central.
Starting point is 00:17:54 We're very worried. Our premiere date is, like, four days away. So here's a coveted Conan appearance to promote Sports Show. He goes on Conan, we're all watching together, and he goes on and begins a long joke. I don't think
Starting point is 00:18:12 it was Moth, because he did other ones like it. Oh, yeah. He starts this long joke, and I'm like, okay, whatever. I could go on about how we were all reacting. And I'm like, oh my god, that's like all his time because it was such a long stupid joke to the point where conan literally goes at the at the trying to
Starting point is 00:18:32 interrupt him at the end he's like norm don't you have a show to promote and norm's like ah nah that that literally happened. That's amazing. So it was never discussed, and Conan realized the urge and goes, all right, well, listen, Norm, you have a sports show that airs. Like it was the outro. Nah. All right, well, we've got to push forward because we've only got an hour. We've got a lot of news to get to. We don't have an hour anymore, and I thought this was it. let me look at what what did you do what did you well we got
Starting point is 00:19:08 a song from mitch robinson which was really good and uh we're getting near the end of our songs i said that i would play all the songs that have been written and produced and sent in i almost at the end of that and then we're gonna lock i know and we're to lock in on one song after this. All right. And I know Rob Dukes was working on one with somebody else. They were going to co-write a song together. So maybe that'll happen. Also, the logo for Melanie Myers is very funny. It's it's for the Johnny Depp trial. Yeah, that's funny, man. Remember that old saying, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers? I think Johnny Depp has a new saying about that. Corrections. Hey, Greg, this is very interesting Sunday papers this week. Here's the actual joke. I guess I told the joke
Starting point is 00:20:00 wrong. What does a lesbian bring to a second date? A U-Haul. What does a a lesbian bring to a second date a u-haul what does a gay guy bring to a second date what second date and this is i mean we were talking about stereotypes last night this is just a fucking true stereotype i know so many gay and lesbian people who that literally happens they go on one date and all of a sudden they move in together. Yeah, well guys, that is an interesting one. The less interesting is, yeah, of course there's not even a first date.
Starting point is 00:20:34 On Grindr, we have friends, they meet behind a dumpster. Right. Immediately. Yeah. I've always been jealous of that. That was my job when I was going through puberty and I was, you know, 14, 15, 16 years old. If if you could have told me there was an app where granted I'm not gay, but that if I was gay, that like somebody would just suck my dick after me pushing a few buttons, I would have been like, OK, so I guess we're in heaven. I guess this is it. We're out with a friend who won't go named and he'll just call, I would have been like, okay, so I guess we're in heaven. I guess this is it.
Starting point is 00:21:06 We're out with a friend who won't go named and he'll just call up Grindr and be like, all right, are you guys doing anything? Are you going to another place after this? And we're like, no, I think we're going to go home. He's like, all right, because there's three guys within like 50 feet. It's like, what? Yeah. Also, he'd visit me at my place and he'll be like, do you want to know what, and by married, he means straight guys.
Starting point is 00:21:27 He goes, do you want to know what married guys in your building here are on Grindr? I'm like, good Lord, you're animals. How, how is there, is there anything even remotely similar in the hetero community? is there anything even remotely similar in the hetero community? And with very few exceptions, which tend to, they have to be super weird, I think, or kinky. The answer is no. Well, I had a tenant in my apartment in Venice,
Starting point is 00:22:03 and he told me, he goes, and I always wondered if this guy was gay because he seemed very metrosexual. And then he called me up one day and he's like, hey, having sex in your apartment right now. The mystery solved. Yeah. Well, anyway, very briefly, but I've told this story before. After my divorce, i really didn't do anything like for a year and then like the writer's room's like you gotta get on dating apps so it's the first time i ever heard of tinder and they're like i knew about grinder because
Starting point is 00:22:33 of our friends and stuff and grinder also made huge news and especially in the comedy community everyone had jokes about it so i was like what's tinder like oh it's like the grinder for um heteros i'm like what I'm like, what? I'm like, yes. Yeah. Put me on that one because I also wasn't looking for anything emotional yet. Right. Right.
Starting point is 00:22:52 And so I'm like, that's my bridge back to emotional relationships. And I'm like, that's perfect. So they put me on there. Of course, no joke. First date, first date on Tinder. I wind up dating the year and a half to two years. And I wanted to sue Tinder for false fucking advertising. Well, you and I are not those guys.
Starting point is 00:23:13 Some guys, they can have sex. And the understanding is, hey, this is physical. No strings attached. You and I are the kind of guys that women want to date. I would always try to have a one-night stand, and then they would always be like, yeah, but you're like a friend. I want to be like a girlfriend to you.
Starting point is 00:23:32 It's like, oh, what a curse. All right, then give me another chance at this. I know how to do it now. I'm going to give off none of those vibes behind a dumpster in the alley. They're going to be like, oh, are you Mike? I'm like, no, let's not even go. Let's not. Yeah, right. Let's not even go. Let's not.
Starting point is 00:23:45 Yeah. Let's not even do that. Right. No. Oh, you have two kids. No, no, no, none of that talk. Yeah. I don't care about your fucking dog.
Starting point is 00:23:55 Let's go. Speaking of Tinder, I'm going to be in Tacoma at the Tacoma Comedy Club, May 19th through the 21st. Irvine Improv, May 19th through the 21st, Irvine Improv May 27th through the 29th, and Bakersfield, California at The Well on June 11th. I have this guy open for me sometimes. I'm not going to say his name. And he works Tinder, black guy.
Starting point is 00:24:17 He works Tinder and fucking gets chicks morning, noon, and night on the road. Like literally has a daytime hookup and then has a nighttime hookup almost every day. Yeah. Here, that's perfect. My response and probably yours to that is before even like, man, that's cool. Wow, that's exhausting. It is exhausting.
Starting point is 00:24:41 You got to dodge calls. You got to coordinate people. But he handles it. He puts out the energy and it seems to work. Although I think he's falling in love with somebody and it could ruin his game. And he's upset. I hope it's himself.
Starting point is 00:25:00 He's killing it. You ever see somebody angry that they're falling in love? Yes, I have a mirror, if that's what you're asking. Right. Speaking of falling in love, I am in love with Audible.com. It's like people talk about what are the great things in America? AAA. AAA works.
Starting point is 00:25:20 You call. They fix your car. Is that a random or is AAA the next ad? No, no. I'm just saying. Wow. I also put Audible in that category. Audible's incredible.
Starting point is 00:25:30 I listen to audiobooks every single night when I go to bed, and the selection of Audible titles is insane. We were talking about Norm. Norm's book. Oh, yeah. What's it called? Well, it's a memoir that's almost true or I forget. It is so much better than reading the book to hear him read it.
Starting point is 00:25:53 I highly suggest Sarah Silverman's book. Bedwetter? Colin Quinn's book. Yeah, The Bedwetter. Colin Quinn has a book? Yeah. Listen to them read their books. Okay.
Starting point is 00:26:06 And you can do it now. New members can try Audible for 30 days for free. You get one title every month from their entire catalog. They've got every genre, bestsellers, memoirs, thrillers, a lot of wellness stuff too. If you're into self-help and motivation and wellness, they've got all kinds of stuff like that. Meditation stuff. I've been listening to the Mao. Oh, it's called based on a true story, not a memoir. Okay. Um, I've been, it's incredible.
Starting point is 00:26:37 And by the way, brace yourself or more like get yourself psyched because it really is more like a it's a novel. Yeah. It is a novel that has shades of the Russian authors and Chekhov and everything that Norm was and like Cormac McCarthy. It's very much a Western as well. And right. And you hear him read it, which is the whole point of this ad. And I mean, I will. All right. So on my
Starting point is 00:27:06 shelf out there is an audible shout out. I immediately when Keith Richards memoir came out, it was kind of big news and this big book. And I asked for it for Christmas and my girls got it for me. I couldn't wait to read it. And then I heard, oh, have you heard about the audible? And I'm like, you know, with this book, I'm like, no, he's like, oh, Keith reads it. And then I heard, oh, have you heard about the Audible? And I'm like, you know, with this book, I'm like, no, he's like, oh, Keith reads it, first of all, and gets sidetracked reading it and just makes, you know, these left and right turns and add stories to it. That book on my shelf has never been cracked. Why would I? Also, Johnny Depp reads part of the book for Keith Richards. Right. Yeah. So anyway, visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 slash 500,
Starting point is 00:27:54 not forward slash, like hyphen 500 hyphen 500, the number. And you can get become a part of it. It's a changes your life. I listen to it every night going to bed. It's how I fall asleep. I go to the gym. I get on the treadmill and I listen to it. Become part of our family. I have to do that book you're doing your book club on that you and
Starting point is 00:28:17 Apatow talked about. Not Apatow, that you and Adam talked about at the memorial. And kind, yeah. Visit audible.com slash papers or text papers to the number 500 hyphen 500. Okay. Let's get to the front page, Mike. Oh, God. You're doing all this.
Starting point is 00:28:34 I don't even have a paper. Wake me up if I doze. Extra! Extra! We all have bought it! Extra! A plane to New York was forced to return to London mid-flight. News to me. After it was revealed that the co-pilot was not properly trained.
Starting point is 00:28:55 The Virgin Atlantic Airbus was heading towards JFK Airport and was only 40 minutes into its journey when the pilot found out and returned to Heathrow after the first officer told the captain he had not yet completed his final flying test. The mistake was described as a rostering error, and they returned. They had to do a U-turn over Ireland. We apologize for any inconvenience caused to our customers.
Starting point is 00:29:20 Yeah. Attention, passengers. We've got an untrained pilot behind the controls here uh if you don't don't worry this is this is just like uh when your son borrowed your car at 14 and went for a joyride after raiding your wine cellar by the way it might be a good time to sign up for that virgin atlantic premium fly high card you'll get 50 000 free miles for joining today and because of the circumstances we're going to throw in six weeks of psychotherapy and a screen pillow. Why not leave to your wife and kids and all surviving family members,
Starting point is 00:29:54 15,000 free miles when you sign up for the car. If you turn in the, if you turn in the card now, we'll, uh, we'll honor any, uh, any miles that have accrued since you died. I mean, until we land. Yeah. Wi-Fi, you know what? Never mind. It's not even, you're not even going to be able to fire up a movie. Don't worry about Wi-Fi.
Starting point is 00:30:14 All right. This, okay, wait a minute. Here's, of course, the question I think on everyone's mind. How did it get over the ocean before they figured this out? Isn't most of the work of a co-pilot before takeoff? Like, it must have been like, how are the wings? Yeah, they look good. Yeah, right, right.
Starting point is 00:30:34 All right, what's fuel level? Is that F? I think it's on F. It must have been. And also, what caused the pilot to figure it out? It must have just been the 15th thing that didn't come back right to the pilot's ears. You know what I mean? Right.
Starting point is 00:30:52 Wait, what did you just say? Yeah, right. He's like, I still can't believe these things fly. Okay, we're turning around. Well, let's get the guy to crank the propellers so we can get going. What? You don't crank. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:31:09 Oh, that is a joke from Denman coming in. Co-pilot was too sober. Oh, that might have been it. Yeah. Guy's like, guy has paper maps out. Okay, America, it's West. It's West. Oh, that story is too much.
Starting point is 00:31:27 Have you been following the Alabama corrections officer accused of helping an inmate escape jail? I have heard about this story. And then the first day, it made me think of that, actually, movie I really like, Donna Mora, Escape at Donna Mora, the TV show. Oh, yeah, that was amazing. Ben Stiller directed, because my first question was—
Starting point is 00:31:48 It was a series, I think, wasn't it? Yeah, my first—you're right. My first question was, what is the gender of the officer? So, all right, go ahead. I don't know anything beyond that. Well, they had a two-year relationship apparently and uh they their names are you ready for this vicky white 56 and inmate casey white 38 not related wow so they've been first of all how are two people not related in alabama but let's just continue so they've been on the run for seven days now she was set to retire uh that week
Starting point is 00:32:28 yes she's gonna lose her whole fucking pension everything what men do to women is astounding um so um could have been her i guess that they they met when at one prison and then he moved or they moved, but they say they stayed in touch. And so far, no one has reported seeing them. Vicki White is five foot five. Casey White is six foot nine. Got to be tough to be on the run at six foot nine. You know, there's certain things you should avoid doing at that height. Six foot nine. Got to be tough to be on the run at six foot nine. Yeah. You know, there's certain things you should avoid doing at that height.
Starting point is 00:33:14 Flying coach, having sex with someone who's five foot five, and becoming a fugitive. And laying low. And laying low. And squeezing through bars and windows. He's six foot nine", but don't worry. Don't worry about his height. He also has a massive face tattoo. So real hard to find this guy.
Starting point is 00:33:32 It's amazing. Nobody has seen them for seven days. It's still going? Yeah. Still ongoing. Wow. They found one of their cars, apparently. Oh, I saw that headline. I did see that headline.
Starting point is 00:33:45 Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. All right. What's your bet? I have the very easiest guess in the world. I give a... No, no.
Starting point is 00:33:54 Like, where are they? They are in a hunting lodge somewhere in Alabama, pulled up. No. They are in Florida. Oh, that's where you go. somewhere in Alabama pulled up. No, they are in Florida. Florida has a magnetic pull for people on the run. By the way, I will only scratch
Starting point is 00:34:13 the surface. We'll probably get letters telling us all the people who have gone to Florida, but it begins, of course, with the two guys from In Cold Blood who wiped out a family in, I think, Kansas. Truman Capote. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:28 And then those two guys right to the beach in Miami. And, you know, like they are hicks. Like, were they in prison already? But they were like characters also out of Mice and Men. You know what I mean? Yeah. So they undoubtedly like took off their shirt with their dirty jeans on when they got to the beach there.
Starting point is 00:34:47 And then, of course, the serial killer of them all from the Northwest. Jeffrey Dahmer? No. The good looking guy. Yes. He crossed country, crossed all lower 48 to go to Florida. And then he killed people in the sorority house. And then the fashion designer who got killed.
Starting point is 00:35:10 Yeah, he got killed. That might have been a little homegrown. And the guy ran to Florida. Oh, whoa, he did. No, that was in Florida he got killed. Yeah. I think, yeah. Oh, that's true.
Starting point is 00:35:20 All right, wait. One little side note. But he had killed somebody before that. He killed somebody out west. I think he went on a countrywide killing spree that ended with him killing, was it Versace? Yes, it was. Yeah, ended up killing Versace in Miami at the end. All right, one little side story because we're playing detective here. So I come to the comedy store after the Chappelle thing and Attell's there.
Starting point is 00:35:44 Attell is dressed like a New York City detective. Yes. That is what, he has a black jacket on, he has a black baseball hat on, and he's smoking a bazillion cigarettes. And so, and he's kind of has this posture now where he's hunched over a little bit. And so I go, I'm telling him the details. And so he interrupts me. Attell is not trying to be funny at all.
Starting point is 00:36:07 So I go, and the guy charges, he's like, what color was he? And like puts a cigarette in my face pointing at me. I'm like, actually, I have no idea. It was so fast. I don't know. I've only seen this live. There's no tape of it yet. He locked up our phones.
Starting point is 00:36:19 Fine. So then I tell the story and I go, someone goes, yeah. Someone in the group goes, there did. There's not enough security. Kind of like you brought up. Like, that's crazy. I'm like, you know, one of the funny thing is during the show, Dave looks to the wings and goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring out my tequila.
Starting point is 00:36:33 Bring it. Yeah. Yeah. Bring out my tequila. That did not happen. The first time I saw him, guy comes out with his tequila and Dave goes, thanks, Paul, or whatever his name is. And he goes, Hey everybody, give it up for Paul.
Starting point is 00:36:43 That's my new security guard. And I tell him, he goes, he was new. Oh, like it is like talking to a New York city detective whose ears are open for all the things that stand out to him in a story. Yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. Um, yeah, I saw a tell this week a little bit, but he's, he's so uncomfortable in LA. I don't even like to spend time with him when he's in LA. He's just like completely out of his skin. Yes. He called Jeff Ross, Vladimir gluten. he also he also he's on stage and he's next to bill burr and jeff ross and he's like no no no this is super cool i never thought i'd see the blue man group without their makeup on i saw him another time called jeff r He goes, you look like an Olympic doctor.
Starting point is 00:37:49 Oh, my God. Let's get to this one. The Trudeau government wants it known that Canada is open to any Americans who may need to travel north to access an abortion. Quote, if an American wanted a medical procedure, they could get one. They would. Yeah, I made it 18 months ago. and waiting lists are long for many types of medical care. Abortion services are no different. Hi, I'm here for my abortion appointment. Hey, I made it 18 months ago. Can you hold my baby while I'm under? Just double check there's not another one in there. I mean, I have the appointment.
Starting point is 00:38:39 I'm not going to cancel it. I'm not going to cancel it. By the way, I've really enjoyed Toronto these nine months. They're new saying, come for the abortion, stay for the syrup. And what is a Canadian abortion? Do they do it different there? Do they coax the baby out with a little maple syrup? And then boom, hockey stick does the rest.
Starting point is 00:38:59 They're just so nice. Like, you don't want to do this. Come on out. Come on out. It's like a hostage crisis. They have like three guys trying to talk the baby out to do this. Come on out. Come on out. It's like a hostage crisis. They have like three guys trying to talk the baby out. Come on. Come on out. You don't. This isn't you. Yeah. In Florida, we love Florida. A woman celebrated her hundredth birthday by trying something new, jumping out of a plane. So she served on the front lines as a nurse in World War II, Raymond Sullivan.
Starting point is 00:39:29 Wow. And she, I'd never done it, she said, and I've done a lot of things in 100 years, read anal. So I thought, I must do it well. Anytime people say something like that, I've done a lot of things, they mean anal. So she went tandem with somebody. She went tandem with her out-of-work son who's drunk and convinced her to do it. Hey, let's just swing by the bank on the way and check on your will real quick. Yeah, who's reciting the will as they plummet to the earth.
Starting point is 00:40:02 Yeah. She said she shit her pants. Just plummet to the earth. Yeah. She said she shit her pants. Just sign here with the wind. Yeah. She said she shit her pants, just like yesterday and the day before. Oh, not during the jump. Sorry, I just put it on the questionnaire. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:21 Let's get down to entertainment. Oh, we are. OK. All right. Carlos writes in, if you like somebody, if you like somebody somewhere on HBO, your book club probably sucks. Good podcast. I like your Sunday papers I agree with Carlos I don't think your book club sucks but and I'm not saying that show sucked but I couldn't continue with it
Starting point is 00:40:53 well I still recommend it I think you just gotta open up your mind to it a little bit oh is that what my problem is yes open your heart a little bit I will say oh we talked about this but oh I started Ozark the last four episodes or whatever it is. Did you? No, I'm not ready.
Starting point is 00:41:13 Yeah. The first one's a little slow, but it gets you. It gets you. I'm psyched to see the rest. A source is potentially clearing up reports about Sidney Sweeney's experience at the 2022 Met Gala. You know Sidney Sweeney from Euphoria? No. You're kidding, right? Is that the trans person? No, that's the one with the unbelievable breasts that does a fair amount of nudity. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I would not describe her that way, but yeah, sweet cans.
Starting point is 00:41:46 Sorry. Go ahead. Earlier in the week, a viral video. Wait a minute, we talked about this. Someone goes, have you seen that episode yet? Whatever episode, right? And I go, no. He's like, oh, there was controversy.
Starting point is 00:42:01 Apparently, she got uncomfortable. And by the way, this is what I was told. I have no idea if this is true, but he's like, no, there's an article. She got uncomfortable. And by the way, I have no, this is what I was told. I have no idea if it's true, but he's like, no, there's an article. She got uncomfortable on set and formally requested. They show her breasts less. Like she felt it got, you know, very gratuitous, right. And the production listened. And so they cut back. So I watched that episode, and that episode were her two tits the whole time. And I'm like, wait a minute. What was it? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:42:33 I mean, they were moving. There were shots under them. There was selfies. She had shot selfies of herself. They showed stills of her nude. They were being grabbed. They were swaying. It was good for her, but maybe too late.
Starting point is 00:42:53 I have no idea. Maybe the CGI, they took her image and they just created more boob shots. It was so gratuitous. Yeah, and I've watched that 15 or 16 times just to see if I did actually think it was too gratuitous. And I think it is. I might go back and check. So earlier this week, a viral video surfaced seemingly showcasing the 24-year-old star being catcalled while walking the red carpet at the Met Gala. Now, BuzzFeed News is issuing an update. While the original report claimed that the voice may have been shouting,
Starting point is 00:43:31 show us your boobs, a source who spoke with people in attendance said that the person had instead called out, does anyone have moves like you down there? Come on, show us those moves, in reference to how Sweeney had been twirling around and dancing just a few minutes earlier before walking up the stairs. I think that's the worst thing to do.
Starting point is 00:43:51 Show us your moves. It's weird. Okay. It reminds me of like, remember being a Mets fan when you thought they were booing Mookie Wilson every time? Or if you're a Yankees fan, you thought they were booing Lou Pinie every time? Yeah. Or if you're a Yankees fan, you thought they were booing Lou Piniella? Yes.
Starting point is 00:44:07 Now it turns out we just wanted them to show us their tits. Or when they, I was going to say booed Patrick Ewing, but that sounds like a boo also. I was trying to find someone who gets just plain booed. So, all right, let's get to international love it do i russia i don't know if we i don't know if we read this one already let's skip to the second one because i don't know if we read no you do not know i know for a fact you skipped it last week okay uh russia is using militarized marine mammals to protect a key black sea naval base satellite imagery shows two dolphin pens floating off the mouth of its key naval base uh the marine animals can be trained to do everything from attach recovery cord to lost
Starting point is 00:45:01 equipment to attacking and even apprehending divers or swimmers who breached security areas. I imagine being apprehended by a dolphin. I mean, there's no exaggeration. I would rather be in the water with a shark who doesn't know anything, who who has no intel on what side I'm on than a dolphin who is trained to attack me. It's a ridiculous thing to even bring up. That's 10 out of 10.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Right. There's no consideration. Well, you'd have to bribe them. So if you're going to swim, carry like some sturgeon, and you turn the dolphin into a double agent. You flip him on the Russians. Maybe this dolphin will immediately recognize my fanny pack that is filled with treats.
Starting point is 00:45:51 I'm going to throw mackerel in your mouth, you little bastard, if you just leave me alone. Plus, if it's a female soldier, you're getting raped. Those fuckers are like Bill Cosby at a rap party. I did think it's so charming we're still using, and this is a real thought, real animals. Like, if you want to impress me, where are the AI dolphins? Show me the equivalent of the mechanical hound, you know, that Bradbury wrote about in Fahrenheit 451. Oh, right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:46:21 Just the equivalent of a drone underwater, which they probably literally have underwater drones and leave the poor dolphins out of it. Yeah, I know. It's like when they use German shepherds as like bomb seeking. You know, they go go step on the bombs in this field. That's not nice. Step on the bombs in this field. That's not nice. Oh, my God. Or trained literally to attack black people. I don't know how else to say it.
Starting point is 00:46:56 But like, you know, non-whites, they were trained during the race riots of the civil rights movement. Swiss police have seized more than 500 kilograms of cocaine. That's a lot of fucking cocaine. Whoa. From a shipment of cocaine. I don't know. That could be a spoonful. That's a lot of fucking cocaine. Whoa. From a shipment of coffee. Is it? I don't know. That could be a spoonful. That's how stupid I am.
Starting point is 00:47:10 From a shipment of coffee beans delivered to a Nespresso plant. Whoa. Holy freaking bad. What a system. Workers at the plant in Romont in the western Swiss canton of Fribourg alerted authorities to a mysterious white powder found in sacks of coffee beans. Narcs.
Starting point is 00:47:29 The investigation indicated the shipment originated in Brazil. The seized cocaine was estimated to be more than 80% pure with an estimated street value of over $50 million. I'll tell you, I have an espresso machine and they got a lot of amazing flavors. French vanilla, cocoa, but this would hands down be the
Starting point is 00:47:54 best one. Like you think coffee gets you going in the morning? My day doesn't get started until I snort my second cup of coffee. This cup had quite a kick to it. I got half my screenplay done. My garage is clean.
Starting point is 00:48:11 And I started three businesses with my friends. What time is it? 10.30. What a morning. Tried to fuck my wife four times. Couldn't do it. Couldn't get it up. No problem.
Starting point is 00:48:22 I was still very into it. Yeah. Maybe I got to switch to decaf so I can get an interaction again. Oh my god. And then Pope Francis authorized spending up to
Starting point is 00:48:35 1 million euros to free a Colombian nun kidnapped by Al-Qaeda. So this could pose serious implications for the Vatican and Catholic Church since he provided evidence that the Pope was apparently willing
Starting point is 00:48:52 to pay ransom to Islamic militants to free a nun who was eventually let go last year. They were like, we've got her wrapped up in a blanket with a hole cut out for the face. Oh, that's just her uniform. He probably defended the decision like one million euros. Do you know how much we pay to move around pedophile priests?
Starting point is 00:49:14 This is a drop in the bucket. Right. I didn't think the Catholic Church cared about nuns. They get zero respect. They can't say mass. They can't give the Eucharist. They can't say mass. They can't give the Eucharist. They can't give final rites. They don't get in trouble as nearly as much as their male counterparts. So they get no attention that way. I wonder if nuns molest also. Of course they do.
Starting point is 00:49:39 Boys or girls? I imagine both. Yeah. I think some of them are non-discriminating, right? Unlike Michael Jackson, who was a homosexual pedophile, which, by the way, allegedly, which Norm would always point out. And to his credit, Norm never sheepishly fucking pathetically said the word allegedly. You know that nuns, I just read about this. The new pope decreed, which he gets to decree. The rest of us just say stuff. I want to decree, like clean your room to my girls or something. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:16 I know. He decreed that nuns no longer have to be virgins to enter the sisterhood. Whoa. Yeah. So I was thinking maybe we should call them sums. Wait, what? Instead of nuns, we should call them sums. Why is that?
Starting point is 00:50:34 I'm missing it. Sorry. Because they have some sex. Oh, nuns. Got it. Boy. All right. That's on me.
Starting point is 00:50:41 It's a perfect joke. It's a very good joke. It's lock perfect joke. It's a very good joke. It's Lockhorn worthy. I think you, because all I'm doing is crafting jokes all day, every day this week. Maybe you have to put nuns in the punchline also. Yep. Nuns to sums or something. Right.
Starting point is 00:50:59 Let's spend a half hour on it, which is literally what I have been doing. All right. Let's hit the sports. Oh, my God. literally what I have been doing. All right, let's hit the sports. Oh, my God. Look at this. All credit to you. All right, I'm going to load the document this week. All right.
Starting point is 00:51:22 During her final season as head coach of the Texas Southern Women's Basketball Program, WNBA legend Cynthia Cooper, not making with their players in ways that many found to be inappropriate, demeaning and degrading. Quote. These are some of the things that she said. Quote. No, she'll be all right. She just needs some dick. That's all. Cooper Dyke allegedly said when told about one of the players suffering with depression. Quote. You got a fat ass and I can tell you you like to ride some dick, she allegedly said to one of the other players who was doing squats. But my coach would scream that at me. This is coaching. This is what you do.
Starting point is 00:52:17 He'd tell me I'd have a fat ass and I needed some dick. And then he'd like push me physically. All right. All right, everybody, huddle up uh let's get some points on the board some offensive rebound and most of all let's get some dick oh my god i coach i need tomorrow off i got a big final exam no you need some dick so coach oh my God, these players. Coaches now can't say inappropriate things like this. All right. All right.
Starting point is 00:52:51 That's a goddamn shame. It's literally called locker room talk. You know, gym, locker room, same thing. Whatever. I'm going to tell one joke. It's the shortest thing ever that Chris Rock told, and I'm sure it'll be on a special. Anyway, just one sentence, but it applies to this.
Starting point is 00:53:08 He's like, yeah, words hurt. Everyone's talking about how much words hurt, words hurt, words hurt. Yes, words hurt. If you've never been punched in the face. And it's one of the ways you can criticize what's going on listen this does seem a little over the top so let's let's put this story aside but in terms of this over sensitivity like all right this week our kids are so woke you and i talk about all the time this week i'm driving olivia to school she picks up this goofy it looks like a child's pen because there's this
Starting point is 00:53:46 like head, a human head like on the clicker part. So it looks like, and anyway, so she picks up, she goes ew. And I thought there was like gum on it or maybe I had spilled like something like juice that then got sticky. I'm like, oh what? And she's like, it says Santa
Starting point is 00:54:01 Monica police. Oh god. And the clicker was a police I'm like, oh, what? And she's like, it says Santa Monica police. Oh, God. And the clicker was a police head. And I'm like, I don't know where that, clearly like a kids group touring the precinct got those handed out or something. Yeah. But that she hates all police.
Starting point is 00:54:19 I'm like, all right, good luck. Good luck in this. Good luck when, let me know when you catch up to reality. Yeah, yeah. All right, let luck in this one. Good luck when, let me know when you catch up to reality. Yeah, yeah. All right, let's go to This Day in History real quick. I love it. 1976, the theme song from Welcome Back, Cotter, is the number one song in America in 1976.
Starting point is 00:54:47 John Sebastian, former member of the beloved 60s pop group the love and spoonful was asked to write and record the theme song for a brand new abc television show with the working title cotter as any songwriter would do he first tried working with that title into a song but somehow the rhymes he came up with for cotter otter water daughter slaughter didn't really lend themselves to a show about a middle-aged school title into a song, but somehow the rhymes he came up with for Cotter, Otter, Water, Daughter, Slaughter, didn't really lend themselves to a show about a middle-aged school teacher returning to his scrappy Brooklyn neighborhood. So anyway, he comes up with this kind of heartfelt, beautiful, emotional song about starting over, and it went number one. And I heard he wrote it in like a day wow and it was the first and only theme song he ever wrote welcome back i remember and they would like taxi they took a
Starting point is 00:55:36 camera out and they just shot what's that bob j band. Oh, that jazz? That little jazz thing? Yeah. No, but I'm saying they took a camera out and just shot New York City streets. And I remember vividly during the song, Welcome Back, it goes by, it's on the highway, freeway or whatever, their highway, and it goes by the sign that says, Welcome to Brooklyn. And do you remember what it, the stat, you know, like it said on the sign? Second largest city in the world or something? Fourth largest city in America.
Starting point is 00:56:07 Yeah. And I just remember, you know, that's when you're in New York and you're just like, this city, I don't even know, like nine-tenths of this city. Yep. Yep. I know. But I remember that. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:56:19 That was interesting. So anyway, that was this week. Letters to the editor. Technically, I don't think Brooklyn's a city. Okay, here we go. Hi, Greg. I got a real kick out of you describing your abs by doing a luggage carry. The exercise you speak of is called a suitcase carry
Starting point is 00:56:36 and may be done unilaterally loaded as you did the other day or bilaterally loaded by holding weights in both hands. Carries are wonderful for working many other muscles as well as abdominals, and using kettlebells for these exercises is great in increasing grip strength. Did I miss when you talked about these suitcase curls or whatever the F this is? Oh, maybe I did it on FitzDog Radio. Oh. All right, tell me a little bit.
Starting point is 00:57:04 Well, actually actually it doesn't sound fascinating. You pick up a kettlebell and you carry it around like it's a suitcase and it does all your core muscles, front backside. And they're saying it's like the hot new Tik TOK exercise. And you walk down the street with this thing. You walk around your gym or your apartment with a kettlebell. So I'm sorry. So I just want to get the whole image. You're there's a guy in your gym in full maroon, just walking around with kettlebells like he can't find a place to work out. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:57:36 Right. Okay. Right. All right. I mean, working out at goals, it's fucking crazy. The exercises,
Starting point is 00:57:42 some people do. The big thing now is to like put your shoulders on a bench and put a weight on your belly and you're on your back and then you grind it like you're fucking. Everyone. Chicks love doing that. No, no. All the four girls in my family, my two daughters and my sister's two daughters, will like when we went out for Christmas and rented a house, they're just all over the house with their shoulders leaning back on a couch. Yeah. Doing this pelvic thrust with the heaviest weight they can find.
Starting point is 00:58:13 Yeah. I'm like, what? I don't want to ask what you're getting ready for. What is this? What are you training for? Yeah, exactly. And why didn't the generation before you do this? Right, right.
Starting point is 00:58:30 This is from Brian in Madison, Wisconsin. Heard you guys talking about Gilbert on Sunday Papers and how frugal he was. Heard a story years ago from Carolla when he was on his podcast. There was a vending machine that was free. And he said when Gilbert left, he loaded up with a bunch of stuff from it. Side note, ask Mike how he can walk with the massive boner he's got lately from the stock market taking a huge hit, taking a huge shit. If there's an earthquake in California, he'll die a happy man. Such a solid question. Every day, I have to say, well, it's getting to the point, even though, trust me, the stock market is still so up over the last two years. Everyone should shut the F up and stop whining.
Starting point is 00:59:15 But it does feel like a pretty big drop. I know I've been telling you for years, but I did say something meaningful to you. A few weeks ago, you got a message from your guy who does your money that it's going up. Right. And then I cautioned you. I go, yeah, cause you know, my dad really well. I'm like, he does not send emails like this ever, but he sent an email saying is this super rich fucking group of guys down there that my dad is not a member of financially, but he plays golf with them are like, and these are the people that cause the market to go down once they start pulling out. Right. And they said like, watch out. And that was three, that was three weeks ago. And they were dead right. It's been nothing but down since then.
Starting point is 01:00:01 And we switched three weeks ago to like aggressive. So I got fucked. nothing but down since then. And we switched three weeks ago to like aggressive. So I got fucked. I have a TZA. I highly recommend. I don't. Keep in mind who you're talking to. I will almost undoubtedly be wrong, but TZA will go up three times what the market goes down. Brian G says, you know, COVID is officially over when Mike announces that he actively has COVID-19 and Greg doesn't ask him how he's feeling even once. And then the next episode, they don't even bring it up. Oh, my God. Hey, this is what I got. Is this to make up for all the years where Mike didn't call you to wish you a happy birthday?
Starting point is 01:00:40 Hope you're feeling better, Mike. Who's this? What a listener. What a good listener. How are you better, Mike. Who's this? What a listener. What a good listener. How you feeling, Mike? I guess I should have asked you, huh? I feel great. And I also feel incredibly validated.
Starting point is 01:00:55 I think I maybe mentioned when I got it, I'm like, there's a small part of me that wants to hear everybody get this now because that would make me feel bigger and stronger and better than everybody. So I admitted that. And boy, did my schadenfreude instinct get rewarded. Um, every I have never known close to this many people with it. We I have to test twice every day before I see David Letterman and I please test me. I do not want to go down as the guy who killed David Letterman.
Starting point is 01:01:34 Right. And I tell them, I'm like, I just had it. They're like, it doesn't matter. And so, I mean, everyone I talk to has it. You see LA, whatever it is, the LA school district is actually being hit like really hard. They're keeping stats on that. But anyway, it really is everywhere and incredibly underreported because everyone just home tests and quarantines. They say there may be three times as many COVID cases. There have been three times as many COVID cases as have been reported.
Starting point is 01:02:12 Yeah. All right. And only the most contagious strain in the history of the world got me. That's the one that got this kid. Right. In his underwear, in his closet. No, it's hilarious because we have decided that COVID's over. The masks are off.
Starting point is 01:02:28 Everybody's walking around. People are meeting again. And guess what? Not over. It's actually spiking right now. There's a new variant that we don't even know the name of because we decided it's over. You want to die from it now?
Starting point is 01:02:42 Go fuck yourself. You're going to be alone. We're not going to your funeral. If you wanted to die, you should have done it in 2020 when everybody else did. It's the AK.2, which is the ass kicker, and it's coming your way. You've never had it, right? Is that true?
Starting point is 01:02:55 Never got it. You might have it right now. I don't want to jinx you, but I just should say I really hope you do. And that's all, folks. All right. Before we go, quick shout out in the obituaries. Naomi Judd died early last week. There's speculation that she took her own life.
Starting point is 01:03:17 They called, they said she died. They said she died of mental illness. I know. And then maybe it's because I know people in Nashville. All right. This is allegedly, and I don't know if it's true. I heard she shot herself. Okay.
Starting point is 01:03:38 We're ending on a high note, right? COVID. And all right, here, let's try to lighten this story. A guy this week, week and remember these are only jokes but he's like a text came through and he goes dude you want to go to a concert tonight I scored some tickets to see
Starting point is 01:03:53 the Judd again no disrespect but I laughed out loud shout out to Mike Haggerty who I was friends with he was an actor you might have known him from somebody somewhere he was great in somebody somewhere he was on friends and seinfeld he was a second city guy oh my god i forgot he plays the dad in that and i got to know him when he was on uh lucky louis on hbo uhie CK's show. He was great. You recognize him.
Starting point is 01:04:26 He was in everything. But goodbye, Mike Haggerty. God bless. We're going to skip the funnies this week because it's an hour and we've got to roll. I don't mind that. I don't mind that. You don't mind skipping them? I don't mind skipping them one bit, although I was prepared.
Starting point is 01:04:43 I have Charles Adams right here. Oh, you did? All right. Well, we'll do it next week. Okay. So what's your deal? I might have to record this Thursday, by the way, on the upcoming week. Okay.
Starting point is 01:04:52 Oh, maybe Friday. I can maybe do Friday. Friday would be better, right? What's your deal? I don't listen to your dates. What are you, Kansas City or some bullshit? Why don't we figure this out off the air? I think people like our inside baseball.
Starting point is 01:05:07 Next week. You're also going to have COVID by next week. Thursday and Friday. I am in town. So, yeah, we can do it the other day. All right. We want to thank Midcoast Media, our fine producers, Chris Denman and Beth Hoops and Key.
Starting point is 01:05:22 My apologies to Beth. I was supposed to. Oh, right. You blew her off. I didn't blow her. I did. But, you know, it wasn't. You told her what happened, hopefully? I did.
Starting point is 01:05:32 We had a planned lunch. Beth was in L.A. for the festival. I had a lovely lunch with her and her friend. I drove them around Venice. I gave them a tour. Wait a minute. I didn't know there was a tour. I'm kidding.
Starting point is 01:05:42 We did Coke. It was great. Oh, my God. It's such a Gibbons day. Why? You should have told me that part. Yeah. There was a massive joke shuffle, and all of a sudden I had to go to the Henry Fonda Theater.
Starting point is 01:05:55 And so I apologize, Beth. I don't think she follows our podcast, but- She edits it. I know. She doesn't edit. Key edits it. Oh, Key edits it. No,. She doesn't edit. Key edits it. Oh, Key edits it. No, Beth is responsible.
Starting point is 01:06:07 No, I think Beth does as well. I'm confused about who does what. We should talk to them at some point. No, of course Beth is very hands-on. It was a total joke. But anyway, very sorry, Beth. It was out of my control. Greg probably didn't tell you,
Starting point is 01:06:19 but I warned him it was a strong maybe that I could make it, depending on how things went. Well, Adam Eget replaced you. He came in and he hung out with them and he was charming. Did he crash his rented Tesla again? Yes, he did. You know what's interesting?
Starting point is 01:06:34 Do you have another hour? No, but I thought about when you crash a Tesla, that's a very new crash. There's nothing smoking or steaming. There's no spilled fluids. It's just a silent. Yeah. You've crashed like a battery. Right.
Starting point is 01:06:48 Right. It's weird, right? Yeah. All right. All right. And I guess they don't blow up either if you drive it off a cliff. Don't forget audible.com. Go sign up now and you can get yourself the, what are they offering if you sign up now?
Starting point is 01:07:04 You can try it free for 30 days. and you can get yourself the, what are they offering if you sign up now? You can try it free for 30 days. Go to audible.com slash papers or text papers to 500 hyphen 500 and do it that way so we get the credit for it. Okay, we'll see you guys next week. All right, I'm going to say take it eesh then. Take it eesh! There it is.
Starting point is 01:07:27 Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday Sunday. Sunday Babbles with Greg and Mike. Sunday Babbles with Greg and Mike. Sunday Babbles with Greg and Mike.

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