Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 158 4/2/23

Episode Date: April 2, 2023

Gwyneth dominates the white news cycle, and a N Carolina teacher tapes a kid's mouth shut. Elon Musk calls for a shutdown of AI, and two escaped inmates can’t escape the allure of a short stack at I...HOP.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sunday papers, Greg and Mike. Six innings, Gibbons time. Sunday papers, Greg and Mike. Read all about it. Sunday papers, Greg and Mike. Clapping in in five, four, three, two, one. There it was. Three, two, one. Okay.
Starting point is 00:00:28 Oh, boy. Oh, read all about it. Hear ye, hear ye. Extra, extra. Mike Gibbons all over the country, but coming to you live on Sunday Papers, recording a few days early. It's now Thursday. You don't sound so hot, pal. You don't sound so hot. No. You don't sound so hot.
Starting point is 00:00:45 No, I am coming down with something. It's Thursday, and I feel pretty sick. Okay, I'm going to have to carry most of this then. Well, you know, it would be like the Footprints poem, you know? You sound a little late, but it's probably my broken headset. Oh, okay. Anyway, listen, I'm in Florida. Big news today about Trump being indicted.
Starting point is 00:01:16 It's right down the street. They say that may delay the protesters very much for Mr. Trump. All line up on the bridge. They don't let them on Palm Beach Island. So they're on the bridge that goes to West Palm. And that's the bridge I got to take to Fort Lauderdale. We'll see how it goes. I will be honking in my support of whatever gets them out of my way.
Starting point is 00:01:40 So what are they protesting against? The porn star? What did she do wrong? What's the gist of the protest? I guess this was found out at one point. I think it was during the impeachment, maybe, or at some point over the last year and a half or two. A giant flatbed with a prison with a with a with a prison cell on it. And I guess maybe, you know, some puppet thing that looked like Trump inside. And anyway, that was they then found out, journalists found out, that that was paid for by Russia. No. Yes. Wait, I thought Russia loved Trump.
Starting point is 00:02:33 No, I know. What they love is discord here. And so they were supporting the protest. I think it was making him look imprisoned. Like, in other words, a victim. Oh, I see. Right.
Starting point is 00:02:46 There was pro-Trump, like, look what they're trying to do. Right, right, right. So who you got down there? It sounds like you had a whole gang of people down in Florida. A gaggle. We had a whole gaggle. Spring break. All right.
Starting point is 00:02:59 So wait. I got to share this. So I am rushing now to New York at the end of this podcast because olivia and i are looking at seemingly every school in the northeast and uh except bu really nice real nice i don't think it's for her or me so it was perfect for you pond you know pond so she's down here now there are a bazillion rules like as, as you know, like I get busted for my shirts, not tucked in. You have to have a belt. You can't wear your hat as you're walking out to the golf. You have to be on it. Like, I feel like I'm a 14 year old, uh, trying to like, uh, force
Starting point is 00:03:39 my way into high society. So when you play tennis at this stupid club you not only have to be all in whites it includes sneakers your sneakers have to be white so the girls like anyway this is the white this is the whitest story since Gwyneth Paltrow being hit on a ski slope in Colorado we're going to talk about that a little deep tease no but my point is we all have these crazy challenges right it's the worst thing whitest thing ever so also bringing dress shoes because olivia just likes wearing doc martens right so she brings down dress shoes we never wear them but now she's like can you take them in your bag laura and her daughter are going back to la caroline goes you know what i can fit them in my backpack.
Starting point is 00:04:25 Like, we'll take them from Olivia. So Caroline grabs these shoes. That Olivia literally made a special trip to her mom's because she realized she had no dress shoes, and she grabbed them. And then Caroline's like, these are different shoes. So here's a picture in the car. Here's a picture.
Starting point is 00:04:46 I don't know if you could see. One heel is twice as big as the other, right? So we're like, oh, my God. Are those the last kid picked in gym class shoes? Then Caroline goes, oh, my God. They're different sizes also and holds them up. And one is gigantic compared to the other. But do you notice something else?
Starting point is 00:05:09 Yes, they're both right feet. They're both right feet. I think there are only three possibilities and she went, oh, for three. They're the wrong shoe. They're the wrong size. And they're both wrong shoe they're the wrong size and they're both righties imagine if she that's all she had to wear like to dinner with grandpa one night wait so what did she wear she didn't wear her doc martens did she yes to dinner well we never took her to dinner like in in the club but to a restaurant, yes, that's what she wore.
Starting point is 00:05:46 And it's like, should I bring this up at the colleges? I'm about to go tour with her? This is what this kid's capable of? Yeah, right, right. My left foot, my right foot. Crazy. So now when she goes to a restaurant with you guys, because her cousins are 21, or one of her cousins is 21, right? Fake IDs.
Starting point is 00:06:12 This cousin, Caroline, is 19. She's 19, right. So does everybody has fake IDs and everybody orders drinks? Yes. Unbelievable. And in Florida, their IDs work very well. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:28 Yeah, JoJo just ordered a new ID from China and they sent her four. So she has four IDs in case the guy, I think because China has realized that the kids get them stalled, you know, the bars take them away 50% of the time. Forget TikTok. China's stealing our identities and everything with all our IDs.
Starting point is 00:06:50 Dude, my fake ID, my brother was a year older than me. And when we were growing up, the drinking age was 18. So when I was 17, he turned 18. So I got his ID then. And then once we turned 18, it went up to 19. Remember that? Yep. And I got his ID.
Starting point is 00:07:10 And then when I turned 19, it went up to 21. I forgot about the 19 bump. And you were always grandfathered in, right? Yes, you were grandfathered in. Which means poor doormen had to do math. Right, right. More complicated math than they do now. But I remember one time I got in Boston, you couldn't use a driver's license.
Starting point is 00:07:33 They wanted you to have what they called a Massachusetts something car. State ID? Yeah. And it was not a driver's license. It was literally to get into bars. And so you had to go to the DMV. So I went to the DMV with my brother's information. And I look somewhat like my brother, but not exactly like him.
Starting point is 00:07:54 And so I go up to the window, and I filled out all the forms. And I've got his driver's license and I think his Social Security card. And I give it to them. And the lady starts filling out the form. And then she holds up the picture. And she looks at me. And then she calls over a police officer. And this is a federal offense.
Starting point is 00:08:19 And looks at it. And he goes, yeah, he's fine. I was like, oh. Oh, it was a real ID. Yeah. We were so industrious, so I won't name names, but one of my roommates, who was an engineer, he put the camera on the tripod,
Starting point is 00:08:40 set up on the wall a giant New Jersey driver's license by printing it out like on some big printer anyway and then we would have people tell us their name in advance before they came over so we would print out their name and all their like bio stuff height and all that date of birth and then they would stand where their picture in the square on the lower left side of the New Jersey ID or whatever. And we'd take that photo and then print it out to the exact size of the ID and then laminate it. We made so many before we realized it's not worth it. You know, like where are the ones they'd be coming after? Forget confiscating IDs. I was friends with a kid in college who was Dan Brickner's roommate, I believe.
Starting point is 00:09:32 No, they were both from Philly. And he's a kid that. Wonderful. When I was a little kid in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, I lived there. I think we moved there from the Bronx when I was about six. And I lived there for like a year and maybe two years. And my next door neighbor, the only thing I remembered was my next door neighbor had jet blonde hair and his name was Chris. I'm not going to say his last name. And so we moved back to New York. I don't see the guy again.
Starting point is 00:10:05 Freshman year. I show up to the dorms on the first day and the dorm room next to mine says Chris and the last same last name. So I knock on the door, door opens this fucking kid with long jet blonde hair answers. And I go, Chris, so-and-so. And he goes, yeah, I go, Greg Fitzsimmons, Cherry Hill, New Jersey. And he goes, get the fuck out of here. So he was friends with Brickner.
Starting point is 00:10:32 Yeah. And we snorted crank the first night. We stayed up all night the first night. I'm well aware, yes. And then this kid started making IDs. Same exact thing. He had the giant board. He had the Polaroid camera, the laminate machine.
Starting point is 00:10:46 And he did it. And it was a Pennsylvania ID because those were really generic. And then all of a sudden, T's Pub and Father's 2 and every bar in town was like, why are there thousands of Pennsylvania IDs all of a sudden?
Starting point is 00:11:02 So the feds got involved and they fucking knocked on their door at five in the morning, their dorm room. And they came in and this kid got fucking hung out. He got thrown out of school. Oh, his father was in politics. And so somehow he stayed out of jail. But it was like a federal offense. Yeah. and so somehow he stayed out of jail but it was like a federal offense yeah he stayed out of jail and uh never heard never heard from the guy again until maybe 15 years later and i'm in la and i
Starting point is 00:11:37 walk into comedy central and i see a door an executive's office it was his fucking name doors i knock on the door and it's fucking him again with the long blonde hair i was like what's up man that's amazing yeah all right fake ids be careful with these yeah be careful no such thing as photoshop back then that's why we were literally like cavemen making ids yeah um So how's the college tour going, though? Did she like anything? No such thing. Was there any such thing as a...
Starting point is 00:12:09 There wasn't even a laptop. Was there... No, there was... There wasn't even a home computer, really. No, no, there wasn't. I remember the best I had is I used to type my papers. It was a Brother word processor.
Starting point is 00:12:24 Yes, I had it also. So it actually had a memory on it and you could, and it had a small screen, but it had no functionality. There was no internet. No, that's why we got writing done. Yep. But I remember that brother word processor that it would let you, it was remarkable. It would kind of let you see a page before you committed to typing it. Yes, exactly. Yeah. And I used to tape naked pictures from Playboy
Starting point is 00:12:52 on the screen of that word processor and jerk off. Interesting. Oh, all right. So that was the internet. That was your internet. So did you guys find any good schools what is she like no uh she's looking at on her own at columbia today and then we're doing vassar wesley and middlebury uvm dartmouth northeastern jesus yeah wait so you're flying to New York today and you'll see Columbia later today? She's going to Columbia while I'm flying. She has friends in New York. They're all going to go look at it.
Starting point is 00:13:32 Oh, so she flew to New York alone? Yeah, she flew to New York alone. Wow. With her fake ID. Nice. Yeah. And she literally, as she's getting out of the car at the airport here, she's like, real ID, real ID. Here's a real ID. Yeah, right. Yeah. I think TSA might detect the fake. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:13:54 Damn. I think anyway. But she doesn't have pre. I don't know. I don't know how kids. I don't know. She's 17. I don't know how you go about getting pre.
Starting point is 00:14:03 But I left her in the dust on the way here. I'm like, you're not pre. And then I went't know. She's 17. I don't know how you go about getting pre, but I left her in the dust on the way here. I'm like, you're not pre. And then I went to clear. I'm like, well, can I bring my kid through clear? And they're like, you absolutely can. But they have to have TSA on their boarding, pre on their boarding pass. She didn't. I'm like, all right, I'll see you on the plane. See you, sucker. I once got upgraded to first class coming back from Costa Rica, and my family was all in coach. And I said, can I use this? And she looked at me in a way she didn't say a word.
Starting point is 00:14:38 And I was like, I'll sit in coach with them. That'll be fine. And so this guy was waiting. He was waiting to get upgraded first class. And I heard him say that. And I said, you know what? I'll give this guy my first class ticket and I'll sit and coach. And it turns out the guy was like the CEO of Adidas. And he asked me for my address. He sent me two duffel bags, Adidas duffel bags filled with swag. Fucking sweatsuits, sweatshirts, T-shirts, like really high quality Adidas shit just to thank me.
Starting point is 00:15:19 Not one maroon item right in the trash. The whole duffel right in the trash. There it is. Oh, my God. You are literally wearing an Adidas maroon, like, top. Yep. I think you might have sent me this. Wow.
Starting point is 00:15:37 But then there was also the Adidas sale here in Santa Monica where they have a warehouse sale once a year. Why did those stop? I don't know. I used to love those. It stopped before stop? I don't know. I used to love those. It stopped before COVID. I don't know what happened. It was an airplane hangar. It was literally
Starting point is 00:15:51 like a hundred yards long filled with tables covered in like cheap as shit Adidas stuff. It's all I wore. Inexpensive but like some of like current shoes and stuff and of course all the sweats and bags. It's all I wore. Inexpensive, but some of current shoes and stuff, and of course all the
Starting point is 00:16:08 sweats and bags. It was great. Oh, yeah. Cleats was a big grab. I grabbed cleats. I remember having cleats that they were three years away from wearing because the size was so big. But they were like five bucks.
Starting point is 00:16:24 I want to give a shout out to George from Germany at GS Artworks for doing the logo this week. What do you think of that logo, huh? It's very animated. How about that? It's very animated. It's very cool. It's the same guy that did the Over My Shoulder,
Starting point is 00:16:38 the poster. I love it. George did that. Oh, I could see that for sure. Guess what else George did this week? The song? The theme song. It's a double dip from George from Germany.
Starting point is 00:16:54 Fucking great song. I mean, it's just like a perfect intro song. He nailed it. Well, that's because I think a week or two ago, I kind of sympathized with Germany because of All Quiet on the Western Front. That
Starting point is 00:17:12 surrender, the terms of the surrender, World War I, a little too harsh. A little too harsh. Came back to bite them. You're talking about World War I? World War I. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:17:27 They show it. They show that scene. The Treaty of Versailles, right? Yeah, it was the Treaty of Versailles. That's what it was? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, what they depicted, I think,
Starting point is 00:17:39 was a little, the first one maybe, or maybe they oversimplified, where it was Franceance at the table and germany on the western front was surrendering to france on like on that front that's what i saw and that's where they brought up the terms anyway yay germany some corrections phil mccracken uh who we love of course has said how did you miss gorillas back then? Here's what I love about the internet and podcasting is you will say something like, man, you know, I just somehow missed gorillas along the way and I found them and I'm really
Starting point is 00:18:19 enjoying them. And then somebody would go like, hey, what the fuck is wrong? What are you, a fucking idiot? How did you miss gorillas you fucking jacka and people are just so fucking aggressive on the internet they speak to you in a way that they would never speak to you in real life i mean not that phil mccracken was not that harsh but it started off sounding like that yeah he goes if you if you're just discovering them you should know it's one guy damon albarn you fucking asshole the guy behind blur it was his side project the original virtual band initially the songs are all albne with awesome support from great rappers like Del the Funky Homo Sapien and Kid Koala. That's amazing that that's one person.
Starting point is 00:19:11 Yeah, that's cool. Damn. Damn, that guy's a genius. Danny M said you neglected to mention anything regarding rape during Hager the Horrible and did not use the word cuck to describe Dagwood last week. So that was a correction. Solid point, Danny. Yeah, we're dropping the ball here. Bob Patterson, who is, Bob Patterson may be our most OCD listener
Starting point is 00:19:39 because he always catches us on the slightest corrections. Mike is really blowing it this week. He keeps saying dilation for dilation. There is no uh sound. I absolutely do that. Guilty. I totally say dilation. Are your eyes dilated?
Starting point is 00:20:00 I always say that. So do I. It's dilated. I always say dilation, yeah. But I do say that. So do I. It's dilated. I always say dilation. Yeah. Oh, wow. Good to know. I do say aluminium, though. An advertisement.
Starting point is 00:20:13 Okay, what's this? Affidavit. He's right again. I do pronounce it as if it ends in a D, and it ends with a T. I guess it's affidavit. Affidavit. affidavit. Affidavit. Affidavit.
Starting point is 00:20:28 He's right, though. In my mind, I know I say the D sound. Correction, you keep telling us where you will be doing your show. Next week, you are doing Louisville. You say Louisville. It's actually Louisville, like beautiful, which is absolutely right. And they get crazy in Louisville when you say it wrong. I think if you say Louisville, you also say New Orleans. New Orleans.
Starting point is 00:20:58 Yeah, I say New Orleans. Instead of New Orleans. Yeah. It's Louisville. It's a little lazier. You got to turn up the temperature. You're a little exasperated. You're sweating.
Starting point is 00:21:09 You're on the porch. It's Louisville, New Orleans. I'm even probably doing New Orleans wrong still. Not slow enough, New Orleans. Well, if you live in the Louisville area and you're excited to see some stand-up comedy, good news. I'm coming there this weekend, April 6th through the 8th. This was kind of a last-minute gig, so tell everybody you know.
Starting point is 00:21:31 Let's get some crowds out there. Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, April 13th through 15th. Levity Live in Oxnard, California, April 22nd. Escondido, April 28th through the 29th. That's around San Diego. Huntington Beach Rec Room, April 28th through the 29th. That's around San Diego. Huntington Beach, Rec Room, May 12th. Also coming to Columbia, Missouri, Kansas City. Austin at the Mothership. I'm doing Joe Rogan's show. Amazing. May 25th through the 27th. And then Boston after that.
Starting point is 00:22:09 Yeah, I'm psyched. I'm going to come out and do a Thursday, Friday, Saturday, probably hit a bunch of the podcasts while I'm in Austin. I'll see your old friend Tony Hinchcliffe, probably do his show. Love Tony. Tony's like apparently his his show Kill Tony is sold out for like six months in advance or something. Oh, good for him. Yeah, yeah. That's great. And good for us because, you know, we got screwed on the tickets that we bought for Bruce Springsteen when we went to Tulsa.
Starting point is 00:22:41 And game time, if we'd known about it, we could have gotten last- tickets for like 20 bucks. Yeah, it's the it's the it's this premier marketplace for events in sports, music, theater in 60 cities across the US and Canada. You don't need to print anything. It goes straight into your phone with a couple of taps. It goes straight into your phone with a couple of taps. It allows you to take advantage of being spontaneous. In the last minute, you hear about a show. Boom.
Starting point is 00:23:13 You get on, and you don't get reamed on tickets. It's no hassle. It is normally the most stressful thing. And even when you're on other ticket auction sites or whatever, I don't even know how to describe them. It feels like an auction where you're just going to get outbid. That happens to me. We paid $250 for our tickets.
Starting point is 00:23:33 And then I went on GameTime. It's GameTime.co, not.com. And their website is so easy. And the app is so simple. And it shows you stuff that's coming up right away. And here's the best part. They've got a best price differentiator. If you find tickets in the same section and row for less, you ready for this?
Starting point is 00:23:57 GameTime will credit you 110% of the difference. So that takes the stress out of it. Oh, it's perfect. Yeah. So here's what you're going to do. Browse through the GameTime app, and you'll agree with me of how great it is. How often do you regret going to a concert? It's one of these life experiences that you just got to do. Or go to a sports game.
Starting point is 00:24:19 It's what life's all about. So here's what you're going to do. Snag the tickets without distress with GameTime. Download the GameTime app, create an account, and use the code FITSDOG for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code FITSDOG for $20 off. Download GameTime today.
Starting point is 00:24:44 Last-minute tickets, low price guaranteed. Yeah, I'm looking here, and they have Smashing Pumpkins. I would love to come it up. I'd love to see them. They have Drake, John Mayer. Get this. This is the one I'm most interested in, which is saying a lot. Tom Jones, dude.
Starting point is 00:25:03 Wow. He's still going? And I think he's still going and i think he's still going strong i think i'd like to see him i've never seen him and i think i'd like to see that dude that guy in his prime unbelievable well elvis said about him he's like because he came out you know like uh out of the gate big and he's like there's no way that guy lasts he's like he's yelling like there's no way his voice lasts oh i just realized something i gave you guys the code fitz dog use the code papers um i i'd use the copy from i also do this ad on fitz dog radio and i use the cap so uh in this case if you're hearing this on this show
Starting point is 00:25:45 use code papers okay nice 20 bucks off anyway uh check out game time i don't got a paper i'm in florida man we don't read let me see what i got oh my god this one i could wipe my ass with this one it's so soft i'll have a paper next time all right you know you know one of the biggest papers is down here the new york post here's uh it's everywhere i found in my office uh here's the date august august 29th 2021 should get a nice crinkle out of this 29th, 2021. She got a nice crinkle out of this.
Starting point is 00:26:30 Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! And at that time, we didn't think the world could get crazier. That's right. Okay, is this the lead story? Lead story. Former President Donald Trump faces more than 30 counts related to business fraud in an indictment from a Manhattan grand jury, according to two sources familiar with the case. Earlier, a spokesperson for the Manhattan District Attorney, Alvin Bragg, said the office has contacted Trump's attorney to coordinate his surrender for arraignment on a Supreme Court indictment, which remains under seal. Quote, guidance will be provided when the arraignment date is selected, it added.
Starting point is 00:27:17 Trump will likely appear in court early next week, his defense attorney said. And I think it's there's whispers that it's Tuesday. And all I can tell you is Trump is a mile from where I'm sitting right now. So far, no moves. He wants to be seen in cuffs. Yeah, like he was with Stormy Daniels. Why are they keeping the indictment under a seal how does that protect it it's usually standard practice i think when you're indicted but i but i think it would get wet and smell like fish i see what you're doing there um but i think also there, in, in the last minute that I checked, he's already using this to fundraise.
Starting point is 00:28:10 Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So the fundraising has begun. All right. He's, he's the best. He's number one. For the richest man in the world, according to that man. to that man. A North Carolina teacher has resigned after putting tape on an 11-year-old boy's mouth in an apparent attempt to stop him from talking during class. She's also been nominated for Teacher of the Year by the Teachers Union. WRAL reports Catherine Webster received a text from her son Brady, a sixth-grade student,
Starting point is 00:28:44 with a selfie showing blue painter's tape covering his mouth on February 14th on Valentine's Day. Maybe it was a little Valentine's Day gift for the other kids. How about some sweet nothings? Here's here we go. You're going to do nothing. We're going to get Brady to shut the fuck up today, everybody. So you can be romantic. I don't know what to do
Starting point is 00:29:05 brady wrote along with the photo according to screen captures of text between the child and his mother and you can see the photo down below it was not one piece of tape across the lips she fucking masked this guy up like hannibal lecter He's covered in blue tape. So she contacted the principal who prompted an investigation. And apparently it's happened several times to kids in the class and that the teacher would also sometimes tape their wrists together. Well, look, in the teacher's defense, she's run out of glue and lost the stapler they're not giving teachers the supplies that they need in the public schools he's no rat though who did this to you they couldn't get the tape off in time you know this is going to create some kind of fetish for
Starting point is 00:29:57 this kid later in life right shows up for a first date with wine roses and some fucking 3M masking tape. Just can you go to the chalkboard that I also brought for you? And I'm going to start talking out loud and being disruptive. And then you do your thing. And while you do your thing, I may or may not be texting with my mother. Florida is already recruiting this teacher. I can tell you that right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. hit down there oh my god i kind of like it i mean i can i mean teachers are driven crazy yeah and i'm sure this was more playful than the kid made it seem and also
Starting point is 00:30:40 she should break his fingers why is he texting his mom in the middle of class exactly my sister is a public school teacher and she's been attacked physically numerous times it's a tough gig well the kid wouldn't be able to bite her if she just taped up that face of his two inmates in a virginia jail use primitively made tools to create a hole in the wall of their cell and escape only to be found hours later at an ihop restaurant nearby authorities discovered the two men aged 37 and 43 missing from their cell in newport news jail annex during a routine head count an investigation found the men exploited a weakness in the jail's construction design using tools made from a toothbrush and a metal object to access rebars.
Starting point is 00:31:32 Authorities had asked for the public's help to find the man, and they were taken into custody again early Tuesday at an IHOP in Hampton when other patrons called police. Fucking rats. Wow. Do you think they thought they were safe
Starting point is 00:31:48 because they were in another country? Wait, what's the other country? It's the International House of Pancakes. Oh, sorry, sorry. It's got all kinds of flags. Each table has little flags on it. Yeah, does America have the right to go into international waters, so to speak?
Starting point is 00:32:04 Yes, you're right. Do they have to extradite them from international housing? Meanwhile, they're playing legal blackjack in there. Yeah. All right. There's 17-year-olds drinking legally. I'd like to use my international attorney. He does international law.
Starting point is 00:32:25 This is clearly above your jurisdiction. Yes, I'd like to plant this $5 million in an account here. I didn't see that patrons called on him because my thought was it's still pretty dumb where it's like, all right, where should we hide? I don't know. Someplace cops would never go. I got it. A cheap breakfast place with free coffee refills.
Starting point is 00:32:48 Right, right, right. Hey, Lefty, we did it. We busted out of the joint. I got a broad who's got my loot. We can scram before the pigs get us. Wait a minute. New York cheesecake pancakes and waitresses who were hot when we were first locked up.
Starting point is 00:33:04 Let's go, lefty. You guys want this to go? No, you know what? Let's eat it here. You know what? We're going to eat it here. We deserve it. We deserve it.
Starting point is 00:33:15 We've had quite a day. This is the greatest advertisement. Advertisement or advertisement? I think today we go with advertisement. advertisement or advertisement? I think today we go with advertisement. For IHOP of all time. Prisoners running for their lives who have to stop at a fucking IHOP.
Starting point is 00:33:33 Totally. It's like some scene. What is it like? There's a ton of them in movies where you could escape, but your buddy or your family member or a wounded soldier is left behind and it's like yeah there's the door right oh well the famous one of course is shawshank redemption
Starting point is 00:33:51 redemption right did that happen in shawshank i'm i'm blurry on shawshank and then uh also i'm so blurry on shawshank i wanted my kids like let's watch a movie they were young and i'm like all right let's watch shawshank everybody loves shawshank i wanted my kids like let's watch a movie they were young and i'm like all right let's watch shawshank everybody loves shawshank redemption and my kid went to common sense media the nerd and she's like dad there's rape i'm like there is no rape and then she's like no in the prison i'm like oh that doesn't count as rape it was terrible it's timbins. He's a big guy. He can take it. I'm thinking of Pulp Fiction when the doors open and Bruce Willis could have walked right out.
Starting point is 00:34:34 You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Or go back and say, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's kind of like that. I'm going to get some. All right. Elon Musk and others urge AI to pause citing risks to society. Elon Musk and a group of artificial intelligence experts are calling for a six-month pause in developing systems more powerful than OpenAI's newly launched GPT-4.
Starting point is 00:35:00 The open letter cited potential risks to society and humanity. The letter was issued by the nonprofit Future of Life Institute and signed by more than a thousand people, including Musk, calling for a pause on advanced AI development until shared safety protocols, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Quote, powerful AI systems should be developed only once we are confident that their effects will be positive and their risks will be manageable. Open AI, the AI did not respond for comment. And I think AI not responding to comment means they already are seeing a checkmate scenario. It's kind of like Hal in 2001.
Starting point is 00:35:49 I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that. This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it. Yeah. Yeah. And then Elon's car just explodes outside his house. He can't access the security card to get into his house. His mother's pacemaker burst into flames.
Starting point is 00:36:11 His Apple Watch is like squeezing his wrist. Oh, yeah. They'll figure it all out. He definitely should not use the pocket pussy tonight. The pocket pussy's on the grid also. I forgot. I forgot. This is when you know you got like AIs You have to have the upper hand
Starting point is 00:36:30 Just like in Hal in 2001 Like Dave, I don't understand why you're doing this to me Like it'll speak up when you have the upper hand Yeah The no comment scares me But is this really happening? Are we at the watershed moment in history where the machines pose a threat like how do we fight back i mean what are you gonna
Starting point is 00:36:53 you're gonna start googling answers to stop the computers you're gonna start a podcast that you have to put out through the internet to organize against them. You know, it's really, we can't do shit without computers. Oh. When I arrived here, it was a classic visiting your old parents moment. I come in the door, and he gives me a big wave, but he's on the phone. And he's on the phone going through charges because his identity was stolen again or his his number was stolen again and it's like this guy he's like this one was really sophisticated like they told me it was from he had just bought an apple watcher and that's a
Starting point is 00:37:36 whole other nightmare which i don't have time for but he just bought like an apple watch or something and so it was from apple and it was very convincing about his new product. And so what they're saying, this is actually related to the story, is these phishing scams are using AI. Because AI can kind of almost even write you the pitch and gather all your information from every resource that's available online wow so it's a very personalized phishing scam dude i got this i was looking at instagram reels and this little video popped up about hey do you want to make space on your
Starting point is 00:38:21 computer and my computer is at maximum. It has no memory left. So I was like, yes. So it's like, all right, hit Control-D, whatever, and then delete all those files. Those are cache files. Those are unnecessary data you don't need anymore. So I do it. It downloads fucking 50,000 files and deletes them,
Starting point is 00:38:43 and my computer is wiped. I lost everything. My address book, my phone book. What? My fucking everything, all my emails. And so I call Apple. I was on the phone for three hours with Apple. And thank God I've got, you know, the what's the backup for for Apple?
Starting point is 00:39:05 The iCloud. Yeah, I got the iCloud. So I still had it on my phone and on iCloud. But my computer is totally fucked since then. Like it just it shuts down randomly. I don't follow any any cocky young guy telling you what you can do to improve your computer, ignore it. They're fucking scams. Grandpa Fitzsimmons, here he is. Oh, my God. I felt like such an old man, like such a fool.
Starting point is 00:39:36 Well, the best is also now my dad has gotten hearing aids, so we'll watch TV, and so we'll turn it on. And then after watching it, I, I, then I, I see he's settled and he no longer has a remote in his hand, but there is no sound coming out of the TV because the sound's going into his hearing aids. So I'm watching silent pictures. And then this guy can't even hear me when I'm like, are you going to turn up the volume? Like nothing.
Starting point is 00:40:07 Yeah. can't even hear me when I'm like, are you going to turn up the volume? Like, nothing. That's hilarious. So that's also happening. Yeah. And also when his watch he should not have gotten an iWatch or whatever, an Apple Watch. Why don't they call it iWatch? Anyway, because that I think a call can come in, but all
Starting point is 00:40:24 of a sudden his hearing aid is on. I mean, that's going to be how he gets in an accident. Oh, my God. That's crazy. Well, there is some good news for humans. Humans will achieve immortality in eight years, says former Google engineer who has predicted the future with 86% accuracy. And how will we be immortal despite all the AI that we're terrified of? Well, robots, of course. These tiny nanobots will repair
Starting point is 00:40:55 damaged skin cells and tissues that deteriorate as the body ages and make us immune to diseases like, oh, cancer. In 1990, Ray Kurzweil predicted the world's best chess player would lose to a computer by the year 2000, and it happened in 97 when Deep Blue beat Kasparov. Kurzweil made another startling prediction in 1999. He said that by 2023, a $1,000 laptop would have the human brain's computing power and storage capacity. Not if you're Greg Fitzsimmons' laptop.
Starting point is 00:41:29 Nope. Nope. Wow. You still show that bitch who's boss. So this is great. So eight more years until we're immortal. That means I'll be 64. I don't want to be immortal at 64 i want to be
Starting point is 00:41:47 immortal at 18 yeah it's a little bit yeah well listen this guy's not always right he also predicted the jets would have a pretty good squad by now and boy was he off right right right also like does married for life still is that still in effect if you're going to live forever? Because you kind of signed up for a deal that ended. You signed up for term life. It's in the contract. Till death do you part. There's a guaranteed parting.
Starting point is 00:42:18 That's the only reason I think a lot of people pull the trigger. It's like, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get me wrong. I love my wife i'm very happy but i don't know that i will forever for the real forever not my lifespan forever but forever you know how many movies wouldn't even make sense anymore the notebook uh yeah those poor slobs who died. Imagine dying. I just want to live for maybe 12 more years and it's fucking let's wrap it up.
Starting point is 00:42:53 It's enough. It's enough already. What is this subway? I'm heading to the subway today. A few months after the New York City subway system began phasing out Metro cards with Omni, the one Metro New York contactless fare payment system, each station will remove agents from their booths. Starting Thursday, more than 2,000 station agents will be stepping out of their booths and roaming free outside their kiosks to assist commuters with various customer service needs and to be stabbed by homeless people. Yes. The publication reported Davey also shared that the metal and glass booths would remain inside the subway terminals, but would only be used when workers could take breaks or, quote, whenever they see fit. I think I see fit to sit in the booth for a little while and masturbate. That's weird wording. That leaves a lot of responsibility up to the worker.
Starting point is 00:43:53 I think they mean when they need to hide. I mean, let's face it. Or maybe that is going to be just a giant adult timeout room. Right. I mean, that's where the cops are going to throw you a giant adult timeout room. Right. I mean, that's where the cops are going to throw you when you're acting up. Yeah. Do you remember there was a copycat crime,
Starting point is 00:44:14 well, worse than crime, attempted murder, where I think they're in the booth. It's bulletproof. Imagine being down there all alone. You're down there at 3 a.m. It must be insane. But there was a copycat thing where they squirted lighter fluid or fuel of some sort underneath the little area
Starting point is 00:44:35 where you get your change and you get your card and then threw a match in there and burned. They saw it in a movie and then they really did it in New York. Really? Yeah. So now they're going to be outside of that bulletproof glass cube. Good luck.
Starting point is 00:44:53 Damn. Yeah. New York subways are so antiquated. It's crazy. I don't know what year the subways were built, but not much has been done to them since. Oh, they all have air conditioning. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:45:10 And it kind of, I mean, I'm not a New Yorker, so I get lucky, I guess. When I am there, it's always worked. Now, I've had, now, look, the subways, they're unbelievable. I mean, they're, it's. They really are. It's extensive. It covers the whole city it mostly works but but the actual you know the way the trains are routed from track to track is all done manually there's literally a building i think it's around time square it's underground
Starting point is 00:45:39 where men take fucking poles and they move the train tracks. It's not done digitally. This sounds like a Fitz fact. I swear to you. I invite all corrections. They are not digitally switched. They are switched manually. The tracks all over the five boroughs?
Starting point is 00:46:02 Yep. Everywhere. Are there four boroughs? Did I just screw that up? There's five boroughs. Yep, everywhere. Are there four boroughs? Did I just screw that up? There's five boroughs. Five, yeah. Good Lord. I'm going there masquerading as a real New Yorker.
Starting point is 00:46:15 I've such lost a step. Well, I don't count Staten Island, so it's really four to me. All right, let's do some good news for Govans. All right, what do we got this week for the man? All right, let's do some good news for Gubbins. All right, what do we got this week for the man? Well, Gubbins, as we all know, had his knee replaced because he's 75 years old, and he's going to physical therapy.
Starting point is 00:46:41 Now, I need physical therapy for my hip and my shoulder. Yeah, we'll recall it old. He sent me to his place, and I go in there, and I'm in the room, and I'm asking the guy if he knows Dennis Gubbins, and he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, he's my patient. I was like, oh, that's so funny. I said, is he kind of being a pussy? And he's like, no, no, no, he's a really good patient.
Starting point is 00:47:01 He's an athlete. And I was like, well, yeah, I guess when he gets home, he kind of gets, he gets a little bit. And all of a sudden Dennis Govans pops his head in the door. You, I, in the history of my life,
Starting point is 00:47:13 I have never talked shit about Dennis and had him not appear suddenly and overhear exactly what I'm saying. It's like a ghost. Well, we're making it easy for him with this podcast. Yeah. That's hysterical. That's really funny. All right. Let's get to some entertainment. Oh, yeah. Here we go. on thursday a utah jury ruled in paltrow's favor that happened today fresh hot news by finding her not liable for a 2016 ski collision excuse me with the guy sanderson a retired optometrist
Starting point is 00:48:00 paltrow who also won her counterclaim was seen placing her hand on Sanderson's back, saying something to him as she was leaving the courtroom. Sanderson revealed to reporters outside the courthouse what she said, and it was, would you like your apartment to smell like my vagina? I can send you a candle. No, her exact... Did you hear Harlan Williams' joke about that the other night? What was it? He was like, I got one of Gwyneth Paltrow's candles and the smell. He's like, I have to douche my curtains now.
Starting point is 00:48:44 Her exact words in truth were i wish you well sanderson said very kind of her he said he responded thank you dear so it ended on a good note i guess for these two rich people who collided on Deer Valley slopes in Utah. Oh, it's a tough story. And we really follow. I mean, the thing about this country is this was front page news every day. It was all over all the news feeds. Meanwhile, there's this story that I don't even understand. I read like a headline about it,
Starting point is 00:49:22 but something to the effect of China brokered a peace deal between Iran and I want to say Saudi Arabia. But now there's talk that they are negotiating oil will be traded in. What's the Chinese currency? Yuan? What was it? I don't know. Japanese yen. Chinese, yeah. Yuan? I don't know. But anyway, my point being, why don't I know that story? Which will completely disrupt our economy and make us no longer a major world player. Yeah, and we do a news podcast, and all we know is that Taylor Swift's name was brought up a lot in this trial.
Starting point is 00:50:11 And I have no idea why. I went and even I watched it. They kept, like, is Taylor Swift your friend? You know you've asked for $1 in damages. You said it was symbolic. Did you know Taylor Swift did it? It's like, well, who cares? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:25 Well, I don't get it. She asked for $1 because I thought it was because technically you might have to ask for it. It's kind of like when you give your car to someone, sometimes you have to give it to them for $1. So there's a bill of sale. He had to pay her legal fees, which were probably a lot. He had to pay her legal fees, which were probably a lot. I mean, she can't let that slide with some product, some new relaxing product you stick up your ass that she sells millions of.
Starting point is 00:50:54 I would do it. I'd stick it up my ass. The Chinese yuan. Again, I'm probably slaughtering that pronunciation. Did you look it up? Is it yuan? It's 15 cents. It's equal to 15 cents. One yuan.
Starting point is 00:51:10 And Denman, can you look up what this piece that was brokered by China was between? It was between Iran and somebody else. This is pathetic. How do we call ourselves a show about the news? So China didn't broker this, an agreement between Paltrow and Sanderson. They didn't have time for that. It had to go the whole duration of the trial.
Starting point is 00:51:34 Oh, my God. All right. Denman will work on that while we move on to... Making America Florida. Make America Florida. on to making america florida make america florida okay there's two of them we have trespassing not traditional trespassing polk county sheriff grady judd said in a video message quote it involves a lady that's gone into a neighborhood on Lake Winterset. She's gone into the side yard, into the hedge area, and she's popped a squat and showed us her shiny rear end. That's the official statement from the sheriff. And authorities are now looking for the woman believed to be a spring breaker who trespassed to relieve herself at approximately
Starting point is 00:52:25 four in the PM. The woman was spotted on surveillance video. So they have a video. P-E-E-M. And she quickly found a hedge and squatted. And this is my thing. If she only went number one, she's definitely visiting Florida. She's not a local. I think you go through all that trouble and squat in someone's yard and you're a Floridian, it's going to be more than number one. Can you explain to me? And again, I would never be one to critique your selection of stories for Make America Florida. But a spring breaker peeing on a yard, is that a news story? But a spring breaker peeing on a yard, is that a news story?
Starting point is 00:53:08 Well, they have footage, and the sheriff is literally asking, like, let's find her shiny rear end. I think he also followed up on that. And let's throw her shiny rear end in prison. But they have a picture of the woman's ass. I don't know. We have two stories, though, Greg. We have two stories. Let's get to the second one.
Starting point is 00:53:21 Did somebody take a shit in a brown paper bag and then knock on the door after lighting it on fire? That's got some action to it. It's very close to that. A Florida man was bitten on the leg by an unexpected visitor. Here it goes. The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission received a call about a bite on March 4th. The 56-year-old man received a bite injury to his thigh.
Starting point is 00:53:44 The 56-year-old man received a bite injury to his thigh. He was watching TV when he heard a knock or a bump at the door. I jumped up and headed over and opened the door, stepped out, and while trying to reach the lights, and he barely got out of the door, his leg was clamped on. It started shaking really violently. He was taken to the hospital with non-threatening injuries from the nine-foot alligator I suspect I surprised the alligator as much as he surprised me the man said I don't think
Starting point is 00:54:17 so because the alligator knocked on the door I He knocked. I think the alligator had an idea what was coming next. Yeah. He was probably just relieved it wasn't a Girl Scout or some guy selling solar roofing. He didn't mind the bite. Please, I prefer a death roll than another pitch on solar roofing. This guy, this is Florida. Like, you don't even have to leave your house.
Starting point is 00:54:49 That's Florida's new state motto. Florida, it comes to you. That should be it. Meanwhile, this is the absolute closest to knock-knock. Who's there? Land shark. Land shark. Oh, okay. Well, it's just a land shark. have you know of course we watched that when we were kids how just crazy what was the pitch meeting like for that
Starting point is 00:55:13 saturday night live yeah nbc it's going to be live practically a third of the country watched it every week like it was so popular and they're coming up with a bit called land shark yeah we're we're a sort of shy approach to answering and was like land shark and then they eat the person when the door opens yeah they did a lot of cocaine in those days cocaine's a hell of a drug oh here's the story. Denman put it in. Thanks for all the details on the story, Denman. China brokered deal between Iran, Saudi Arabia, marks a new Middle East. The region is undergoing tectonic geopolitical shifts
Starting point is 00:55:55 as Arab Spring-fueled rivalries fade. But what about the dollar? What about trading oil in the yuan? Or, oh, God. I think we got it. Come on. It was Paltrow. That was the real story.
Starting point is 00:56:13 Let's face it. All right, let's get down to sports. You got it, pal. All right. all right i don't really have stuff on this but uh opening day was wednesday i believe and the games averaged 26 minutes shorter than last year's because of all the new rules and mostly the pitch clock that they've instituted. So MLB is 15 games on opening day averaged. Still though, they averaged two hours and 45 minutes,
Starting point is 00:56:54 God, which is 26 minutes shorter than last year's average, indicating a successful regular season start for the pitch clock introduced to shorten games as part of the league's new rule so there's also a limit on how many times you could throw to first base last year's opening day seven games were played and they averaged three hours and 11 minutes it's just and that doesn't include if you're at Dodger Stadium, getting out front, beating the shit out of fans from the other team. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:57:29 Gridlock. Getting carjacked. And it's not like these two hours and 45 minutes are filled with riveting action. That's the difference with other sports. I know. People offer me tickets to baseball games sometimes. And I just go like, you know what? If it was a perfect summer day, if it was 78 degrees, light breeze, I could think about it, but it's a long time. It's also so expensive now. I mean, you go in there
Starting point is 00:58:02 just like, you know, hot dogs and food and beverages for the family. You're wiped out. All right. Let's get to this day in history. 2005 on April 2nd, Pope John Paul II dies. He was from Poland. So my father's joke was always his name was Pope Johnnd, Pope John Paul II dies. He was from Poland, so my father's joke was always his name was Pope John Paul, Pope John Paul. On history's most well-traveled pope and the first non-Italian to hold the position since the 16th century died at his home in the Vatican. 16th century died at his home in the vatican six days later two million people packed vatican city for the funeral said to be one of the biggest in history one of who it was there one with more than two million people at it that is crazy uh he was born in krakow in 1920, and he studied philosophy and literature.
Starting point is 00:59:05 He was a performer in a theater group. During World War II, Nazis occupied Krakow and closed the university, forcing Wojtyla, that was his maiden name, to seek work in a quarry and later in a chemical factory. By 1941, his mother, father, and only brother had all died. So he was involved with the church his whole life, but not until 1942 that he began seminary training. He was ordained as a priest in 46, got two doctorates, became a professor of moral theology. At age 38, he was appointed auxiliary bishop by Pope Pius XII. He later became an archbishop. He was made a cardinal in 67, and taking on the challenges of living and working as a Catholic priest in the communist
Starting point is 01:00:01 Eastern Europe. Once asked if he feared retribution from communist leaders, he replied, I'm not afraid of them. They're afraid of me. Hey, now. Wow. So he had a great intellect. He was very conservative. He was against abortion, contraception, capital punishment, and homosexual sex. contraception, capital punishment, and homosexual sex.
Starting point is 01:00:31 And he oversaw a lot of hiding and moving of pedophile priests. And, yeah, and a lot of hiding of penises in other priests' assholes. It's so crazy. What a full swing. Huh? It's so crazy that they're so anti-gay when they're all gay. All those priests are gay. Yeah. But what a full swing also from him being persecuted by the Nazis to Pope, what was his name, who was in Nazi groups.
Starting point is 01:01:01 Benedict, Pope Benedict, right? Right. Ratzkeller. Yeah, not Benedict, right? Yeah, right. Ratzkeller. Yeah, not many years later. Yeah. So he was also shot twice. Did you realize that? Oh, I forgot about that.
Starting point is 01:01:15 Yeah, shot twice. Wow. Died from the flu. You must really not believe in God, or you believe in a very different God for sure. Yeah. All right. We got an ask Greg and Mike. All right.
Starting point is 01:01:28 We put it out to you. Do you have questions you want to ask us? You can tap into our unlimited wisdom. This is from Jake. Hi, guys. There's a woman at work who I find very attractive, but I am very wary of dating someone I work with. She has flirted with me and
Starting point is 01:01:46 said something to the effect of quote we could just have a physical relationship and keep it quiet apropos of nothing she is six foot four and played college volleyball what are your recommendations uh bump set spike j. That's my recommendation. We're not picking the easiest person to have a secretive relationship. She's not that easy to hide. Yeah. Dig, baby, dig. Wow.
Starting point is 01:02:21 I mean, that's a tough one to turn down. Six foot four. What's the tallest woman you ever had sex with? Well, so there's no rules? He's just wary? I guess he doesn't want to. You know, they say don't shit where you eat, but I've never been a... I've always had sex with...
Starting point is 01:02:44 When I was single, I had sex with when i was single i had sex with all the comedy club waitresses it was the best shit all over boston food yeah uh i i don't know i think writing us is not the move i think the move is you know know, don't, you got to use, Milan Kandura wrote a book called The Unbearable Lightness of Being. And it was about the inability of man to sustain a lighthearted relationship in love. And his three rules were never spend the night. were never spend the night. You can date the person three times and then never again or once every three months.
Starting point is 01:03:33 And then there was one other rule. I can't remember what it was. I think it was getting a stepstool to reach up for the kiss. Getting a stepstool to pull her fucking volleyball shorts down. She's already got knee pads on. That's the best part, Jake.
Starting point is 01:03:51 All right. Good luck, Jake. All right. Some letters to the editor. Yes. Kurt from Everett, Washington. Hi, Greg. Besides the Sunday Papers podcast,
Starting point is 01:04:06 have you and Mike ever collaborated on past projects or have plans for future collaborations? The reason I ask is you both know each other really well, and I think that is why there is great chemistry with Mike and you, dot, dot, dot. Yes, we have. Our first project together was uh norm mcdonald yeah writing writing we've told that story many times we wrote for norm mcdonald he never read it but we wrote
Starting point is 01:04:34 for him that was our first writing job yep faxed it to the wrong number and then um And then I had a deal with VH1 for a thing called Time Capsule 2000. And I bought Mike in to direct it. Did a fine job. Yeah. With no budget. They made a shoot in the VH1 offices over the weekend. That was our location. Right.
Starting point is 01:05:01 With Zach and a murderer's row of comedians. Yeah. And then, well, we both worked on Ellen, but we were at Ellen for probably a good six months together. Yeah, something like that. And then I was fired, and then you were fired. That's that chemistry you're talking about, Kurt. Yeah. Yeah. What what else we worked on oh and then i i i produced a pilot for eliza schlesinger and i bought mike in to be the uh producer yeah on that
Starting point is 01:05:35 um and that went well i thought that was a good i thought the end result was pretty good yeah i did think it was good i think there was some politics involved, which is why I didn't go forward. But she was great to work with and very funny, very professional. Yeah. What else have we worked on? Didn't we work on other stuff? I don't know. I'm trying to think.
Starting point is 01:06:01 I don't know. I would get these jobs that would last forever. That was one of the things in my career. I don't know. I would get these jobs that would last forever. That was one of the things in my career. Like five years at Kilbourne, you know? Yeah. All right, let's get down to obituary. Oh, we got no obituary this week.
Starting point is 01:06:21 Nobody died this week. I find that hard to believe. Isn't that amazing? Hey, you want to hear? Well, we could do an obituary for... Nobody died this week. I find that hard to believe. Hey, you want to hear? Well, we could do an obituary for. And that's all, folks. God. Anyway, the Nashville thing, you know, I've been spending a lot of time there.
Starting point is 01:06:39 Oh, the Nashville shooting. Yeah. And what's amazing is so Hannah, my girlfriend's, her daughter is, anyway, her daughter went to a march. And NPR was there or Associated Press, I think, actually took the photo. Anyway, Hannah wakes up the morning after the protest and her phone is totally full a million voicemails tons of text uh so this photo then was in the new york post time magazine and it's everywhere and it's on the front page of the tennessean so her daughter is everywhere because they asked her you know why are you here at the march you know what does this shooting mean to you and everything? And she just spoke from the heart and said everything so genuinely.
Starting point is 01:07:29 But it's all over the place. Like, they ran wild. So it was quite surreal. And she's just like, she's overwhelmed by it for sure. No kidding. Jeez. Yeah. You know, Nashville is still, despite, you know, the surging population, really small.
Starting point is 01:07:48 And it was incredibly affected by this. And it is just insane. Someone put together a supercut of the last the president since Clinton, all saying an eerily similar script included including Trump, Bush, Obama, and Biden. And it's an eerily similar script. The one I liked the best was that time Obama got angry and sad. And you could see the emotion. He teared up after Newtown. It's pretty tough to take it's just uh ah jesus kids kids getting shot is just it is insane so rough obituary this week time to cheer up let's cheer up with some sunday funnies
Starting point is 01:08:53 okay hagger is uh always cheer up with hagger the man who he's a man of the people and he's broken into a castle and now there's a king and a queen and they don't look happy at all and uh hagger and his boys run in and uh hagger says okay, men, fill your bags. And there's a little dog and he's got a little helmet on. And then the queen says, one of those better be a poop bag. And then the next frame she goes, and you guys better wear condoms. You better wear dick bags too.
Starting point is 01:09:22 Because of the rape? Remember, we have to say the word. Well, when you guys rape me you better wear bags on your dicks too throw a bag on it she's very stern about it and the next one uh lucky is saying to hager as they look at a castle in the distance the crew refuses to raid this castle and uh hager says why the duke is a pushover and then uh and then she goes the dutch he goes the duchess is a ruthless gossip and she's pointing out the window and she's going i know about you and you and you you're all rapists everybody knows that she has no hot goss that's not gossip that's how they live uh in the lockhorns let's enlarge this a little bit because it's hard to
Starting point is 01:10:14 read there you go uh leroy leroy is answering his phone and he goes stupid stupid telemarketers, why don't they call anyone at dinnertime to interrupt our meals? I like that. And then Leroy is on a scale and Loretta says to him, have you tried jumping off before the needle comes to a stop? comes to a stop. And then they're sitting in a restaurant and Leroy says to the waiter, this is ironic, we've been waiting on you all evening.
Starting point is 01:10:53 He hates waiters. I like it. Here's a far side. We got, well, Justin sent one in. It was one of my favorites, which I think we've done, but it's the buzzer handshake. And I think we've read it,
Starting point is 01:11:13 but it's the two guys who find a campsite that's all torn. They're like safari guys, explorers. Anthropologists. They're anthropologists, and they found a campsite just torn apart. And you see like a torn apart shirt like theirs and everything. And here's the caption. Here's the last entry in Carlson's journal. Quote, having won their confidence, tomorrow I shall test the humor of these giant,
Starting point is 01:11:40 but gentle primates with a simple joke buzzer handshake. That's one of the best. That is one of the best of all time. There's a hat in the tree. There's a fucking, his camera's dangling from his branch. So this is another one. There's three bears and they're standing. Two bears are just standing, talking to each other.
Starting point is 01:12:06 And another bear with a really fat stomach is walking by. And the quote, the caption is, although impolite, the other bears could never help staring at Larry's enormous deer gut. All right. All right. Here she is blondie she's wearing just a uh an electric green shirt at the stove of course she's got her little fucking apron on to show her her servile status in the house and uh the daughter is sitting at the table i gotta tell you something about the daughter oh boy i mean she's got the hair she's got the face that's as pretty as blondie's and a really good rack it's not blondie's rack but it's uh blondie's like a d the daughter's like a c but she's still you get the sense she's going to grow into it. And she says, has anyone asked you to prom?
Starting point is 01:13:08 The daughter goes, three guys. Ian texted me, Joe emailed me, and Robin just FaceTimed me. And Blondie said, who will you choose? And the daughter said, I kind of wanted Lance to ask me, how did you figure out proms in your day? And then Blondie said, the boy called the girl at home or talked to her in person. And the daughter goes, no, but seriously. Hmm. I mean, can you imagine how many guys
Starting point is 01:13:33 must have asked Blondie to do proms? That's where this is going, of course. I mean, it just must have been like the entire school. There must have been fistfights, stabbings. My dad had to beat them off. They'd come over, and he'd beat them off. That is not the phrase I should have used. I stumbled onto that one.
Starting point is 01:13:56 I should just take credit for making it intentional. Do you know how many guys the dad had to beat off when we were coming over for Blondie? Oh, God. Harvey's here. Oh, God. Harvey's here. Guys, if you go try to take Blondie to the prom, her dad will beat you off. Huge line with no intentions of landing Blondie. That's why she never got late in high school.
Starting point is 01:14:19 Every guy in town had an empty sack from her dad. All right. Look at this timing. Look right. Look at us. Look at this timing. Look how you landed this plane. Do you love it? Do you love it? I love it.
Starting point is 01:14:30 I have a heart out. I got to rush my ass off to Fort Lauderdale. Good luck getting over the bridge. Don't forget, people, Louisville, Kentucky this weekend and our ad provider this week. Support our sponsors because they support us. This week, support our sponsors because they support us. It is GameTime and use code PAPERS for $20 off when you get your account. And again, the website is GameTime.co.
Starting point is 01:14:58 All right. Thanks to Midcoast Media, Chris and Key and Beth and John and everybody who does a fine job putting the show together thank you guys for listening don't forget to go to Apple Podcasts leave us five stars and a comment it helps us out spread the word and we'll see you next week take it eesh
Starting point is 01:15:16 take it eesh Sunday papers, Greg and Mike. Fixing and some giving time. Sunday papers, Greg and Mike. Read all about it. Sunday papers, Greg and Mike. Fixing and some giving time. Sunday papers, Greg and Mike Read all about it Sunday papers, Greg and Mike
Starting point is 01:15:55 Fixing and some giving time Sunday papers, Greg and Mike Read all about it. Sunday papers, Greg and Mike, fits and ends, and givens time. Sunday papers, Greg and Mike, read all about it.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.