Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 167 6/4/23

Episode Date: June 4, 2023

This week, Santino and Bobby Lee call in. We honor 30 years since Bob Fitzsimmons passed and correct the fake news about Target. Trans girl is sued for running too fast, Chick-Fil-A is the new Bud Lig...ht and Australia Man continues to challenge Fla Man.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Sunday, Sunday paper. Sunday, Sunday paper. Sunday, Sunday paper. Sunday, Sunday paper. Mike Gibbons rings the Starbucks on the ticket line. He's headed to the Fox Law Center. Read all about it! Read all about it! Hey now! Alright, how are you? I'm good. I wish we were in the same studio. That was the plan. But then I guess ADD kicked in on both of us and we forgot to get together. And just to prove it, this is our second attempt at starting this podcast. I forgot to press record on my little audio thing here.
Starting point is 00:00:43 Because I did press record or I okayed the record on video. Anyway. We talked to Key before the show started, our editor, and she had no critiques of how we deliver the show. That's not true. What'd she say? That's not her job to tell us that. Oh, that's what she said.
Starting point is 00:01:06 Right, right, right. Which doesn't sound like a no to me. Right. And then I bored you with a story of how I'm making an ice cream cake, like Carvel style, for my daughter's birthday. We don't have to go into that anymore. Yeah, I mean, it's a happy birthday to her. That's how old now? 20?
Starting point is 00:01:32 Yeah. Yeah, my daughter will be 20 in one month. Amazing. Yep. And they might be working together a little bit this summer. Yeah, she's trying to get her a job over at the golf course, so we'll see. Right. I had fun with JoJo.
Starting point is 00:01:52 JoJo's very into bar pool right now, which, you know, as a parent, is it wrong to bring your daughter to bars to shoot pool with kind of degenerate Venice OG guys? And lying, breaking the law with her fake ID. Yes. Right. Which is from Texas, so I say that she's my niece. Oh, my God. Wait, wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:02:17 See, I got to write this stuff down, and I never, ever do. It just reminds me of a great story. So I was telling people, I was in Nashville and telling Hannah's daughters about the fake ID and Owen, your son was the first connection to it. And at Sambo, they would get these IDs from China and they're so fake IDs. And they're so amazing that, you know, when you scan the barcode, it works. And that's what Jojo has, right? Yeah. The magnetic strip, they swipe it and it actually works.
Starting point is 00:02:49 And that's what my daughter has. Anyway, this girl in Nashville is about to be 18 or so, like a little young for it. But anyway, tell me about the idea. And she's like, wow, I'm really impressed. I'm like, yeah, I'm telling you about the idea and she's like, wow. And really impressed. I'm like, yeah. And it's like from China. And she's like,
Starting point is 00:03:08 thanks about it. She's like, I, yeah, I don't think I could pass for Chinese. It's perfect. That's amazing. Imagine if Jojo and Owen Fitzsimmons and Sophie Gibbons had fake IDs with
Starting point is 00:03:30 Chinese girls and boys on them. Oh my God. How could I almost forget that story? I laughed so hard. Well, the other thing is, is you decide, you know,
Starting point is 00:03:44 they send you two or now it's like they even send you like three or four when you order it for a pretty reasonable price. And you were saying that maybe you would get one for yourself. And they were mortified. I was going to get one that says I'm 65 to get discounts. Yeah. Like golf. Any of the public places, they all offer senior discounts. Right. Why not? That's hilarious. Let's do it. They were mortified. I don't know if I could
Starting point is 00:04:13 pass as a Chinese guy. An old Chinese man, I could work on it. I think movies, I think you get a discount for movies, public transportation, museums. Some things are like free. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:27 Well, a big one is skiing. They give, I forget what age you are. They just say fine because there's so few people skiing at that age. I forget what age. Some resorts have a very cool policy for old people. They should charge more because half the time they got to send a fucking toboggan up to bring you off the hill. Yeah, but you're only using the chair lift once
Starting point is 00:04:50 and then you get a toboggan ride down. Yeah, but you shit on the chair and then everybody else has to sit in it. Nice. So we've been shooting Bar Pool and we went to the brig in Marina Del Rey. Is that Venice or Marina del Rey? I think it's Venice.
Starting point is 00:05:08 It's on Abbot County. So we're there. And no, no, I'm sorry. The brig was last week. This week we went to Hanano. I'd call that. Yeah, that's right on the border. Right.
Starting point is 00:05:20 Yeah. And we ran the table. We ran like five games. And when I ran the table we ran like five games and when i say we i ran like five games at one point i ran such a generous dad at one point i ran seven balls off the break and left the eight ball sitting in the corner so she closed out the game by hitting in the eight ball on her on her turn that's kind of like, I can't open this pickle jar. But you really do start it, then you hand it to her. Right, right.
Starting point is 00:05:49 You know, women. But it's cute. Like, the older guys, they love that she's playing, and they give her lessons. Oh, I bet they do. Oh, yeah. Here, let me get behind you. I'll show you how it is.
Starting point is 00:06:03 Oh, God. No, they're totally respectful. It's very cool. One older guy, like, let me get behind you. I'll show you how it is. Oh, God. No, they're totally respectful. It's very cool. One older guy let us use his pool. We beat him, and then he let us use his custom pool cue for the next few games. Nice. All right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:06:17 Also, last week, I hung out with your friend's son, or your dad's friend's son, Malachi McCourt. I don't know if people know Malachi McCourt as much as they should, but Frank McCourt, his brother, obviously wrote Angela's Ashes and a couple other big books. And then Malachi wrote, I think Malachi wrote Tiz, right? Was that his book? No, that was Frank's follow-up about being a school teacher in a public high school in Stuyvesant in New York. Malachy was more famous than Frank for 70 years or so.
Starting point is 00:06:56 And then Frank finally wrote his memoir. Yeah. And Malachy is a star of the memoir actually. And then everyone now has to say that Maliki is Frank's brother. Yep. So his son, I went to a barbecue on Memorial day and his son Cormac was there with his son and oh my God, his son was three and a half. And I literally at a four hour party, I think I spent three and a half hours just with his son. I was just enamored with him. He was so goddamn smart and cute.
Starting point is 00:07:31 And we just kept playing with the dog and throwing a ball. And it was amazing. But the son, Cormac, is a great dude. Oh, cool. Yeah, so I sent a picture to your dad of us together. Oh, nice. Very cool. Oh, yeah, me and your dad of us together Oh, nice Oh, yeah, me and your dad have been in touch all week A lot of correspondence
Starting point is 00:07:48 Oh, wow, look at that No wonder I can't get through to him And then yesterday, no, the day before yesterday We went out and played golf with the great Greg Garcia Who is a big writer. He's the creator of My Name is Earl, Yes, Dear. What is it? Faith or something? Hope.
Starting point is 00:08:16 Hope? Yeah. Raising hope. He's very, very accomplished. He's always working on stuff. Really talented dude. And one of the nicest, fun guys to be around. So great. I had never met him, and he could not have been more self-deprecating
Starting point is 00:08:33 and just funny, and what a great, and what a privilege to get to play with him on his course. And then who is the other, what's Austin's last name? Austin Earl, who was one of my writers on The Great Indoors. And he's been a writer for Greg and with Greg. And Austin's amazing. And the best part was, is Austin's, and we're at Greg's Country Club. Should we even tell this story?
Starting point is 00:08:56 We're at Greg's Country Club. And so on like the third green, Austin says to Greg, so you've been walking? And Greg's like, yeah, yeah. Sometimes when I play nine holes, I'll just throw my bag on my shoulder and I'll go. And he's like, no, no, no. The picket line. Have you been walking the picket line? And we all had a hearty, guilty laugh.
Starting point is 00:09:23 Which, by the way, he has. Those guys have all been walking the line, as we have. Oh, he had a My Name is Earl reunion on the picket line. Yeah. So we've been supporting the cause. And there's a lot of positive energy on the line. There's, you know, there's different. They had a K-pop theme yesterday, party.
Starting point is 00:09:41 They're trying to keep it fun. But it looks like it's going to go for a while and we'll talk about that in the entertainment section yeah uh but no that was great it was uh are you not going to talk about him finding golf balls oh you tell that that's too funny so greg garcia who i can't even imagine how he's very, very successful, right? Like in the many, the Millers he did, he has a lot of shows under his belt. And anyway, he ran up, he had one golf ball in the woods, ran up, came out with three. And then I think sometimes he didn't even hit his ball in the woods.
Starting point is 00:10:23 But while he was waiting, he'd scamper into the woods like a poor kid from a foreign country, like, and just come out and his pockets were bulging and he'd have all, because all these rich guys play the course and they're not spending too long looking for their, their amazing pro V1s or whatever the top golf balls are. So he comes out just loaded. Like it was almost like some kid on a dock who's diving for coins. Like it was. Yeah. I called him the rabbit. I go, look at the rabbit. Cause he would run out of the woods.
Starting point is 00:10:55 At one point he ran out of the woods, pockets full three balls in each hand, and then accidentally kicked a ball with his foot from the leaves that fell out into the fairway without him even trying and then yeah then i help you find uh your ball which is like kind of on the other side of the fairway i come over and i had seen where my ball went and it wasn't it was like right near the fairway like right there in the grass and i'm like, where's my ball? And, and the guy's like, Oh, Titleist. I'm like, yeah. He's like, Oh, hold on. And he goes in. Did he say he got 25 balls that day?
Starting point is 00:11:30 He got 25 balls. Or 26. And mine was the 26th. Cause we were on the, this is the 18th fairway. And he reaches at his card and goes, sorry about that. I know exactly where it was. And he goes and puts it back. exactly where it was. And he goes and puts it back. And then later, later that hole, like two shots later,
Starting point is 00:11:49 I was like, uh, I thought I hit it up near you and it turned out to be your ball. I'm like, where's my ball? And he yells from the other side in my pocket. Um, let's thank, uh,
Starting point is 00:12:02 Bruce wise for this week's logo. It's a's logo. It's a summer logo. Yes, thank you. First weekend of the summer, or second weekend of the summer. Our song from Brian Gullickson, which was, as you said, it sounded like Woody Guthrie or a little bit like Pete Seeger. Those union songs, yeah. It was like a union song.
Starting point is 00:12:25 It also reminded me of, who's that other guy? He did Mermaid Avenue with Wilco. Bob. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get in a second. Anyway. Billy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:12:39 Bill. Billy. Come on, Denman. What a brain fart. Billy Bragg. Billy Bragg. Yeah. Corrections.
Starting point is 00:12:54 We had a bunch. Christian Smith said Greg doesn't know about plane instruments and that engines provide power to gain airspeed and don't need to dive. Yeah. Provide power to gain airspeed and don't need to dive. Yeah, when you talked about that last week, I knew one thing for certain in my life is I would never get in a plane that you were piloting. Nor would I. Right. Dayton Detheridge, nice name.
Starting point is 00:13:17 Whoa. Volkswagen Automotive Group includes VW, Audi, Porsche, Seat, and Skoda. Never heard of those. But I think Volkswagen is the biggest one in the world. Is it really Volkswagen Automotive Group, which is Vag? Vag. It's taken me a couple of weeks to write this email because I still can't believe what I heard Mike say. I'm still not sure if this was a mistake or if Mike is just so woke that he is now refusing to gender identify cows.
Starting point is 00:13:47 You were talking about a farmer being in bestiality with a cow and Mike talked about fucking it in the asshole. I probably didn't use that language. And you asked him why he wouldn't use the vagina. Mike stated that in your mind, it must be a heterosexual farmer fucking the
Starting point is 00:14:03 cow, implying that the farmer in question chose a female cow over a male cow. Mike, all cows are female. The male version of cattle is called a bull. I guess, but I mean, when you have an animal, am I really doing this? You have an animal and you have a choice between the anus and the vagene and you choose anus. It's I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:14:30 Yeah. It's different with humans. 100% different with humans. I think you're even more hetero if you're with a female human and you choose the backdoor. Well, it depends on how tight you want it to be i mean if a bull has already sidled up with this cow uh you're not gonna be you're not gonna impress the cow but you pop it in the poop chute maybe there's gonna be a little bit of uh resistance
Starting point is 00:14:58 you're gonna take that have you ever seen a clump of cow shit yeah i don't think they're gonna feel much either yeah that Yeah, that's true. Let's move on to Grant who says, as a Canadian listener, I feel it's my duty to correct Greg when talking about hockey. First of all, the Islanders did not go deep in the playoffs. Won only two games. Secondly, in the four
Starting point is 00:15:19 overtime game, it was the away team that had the disallowed goal within the first three minutes. Get your shit together. Love the pod. There you go. Wes Burgess said, not a correction, Greg. Love your shows and comedy.
Starting point is 00:15:34 I've been listening to Sunday Paper since you and Mike started, and also your podcast. Recently heard you talk about no windshields on F1 cars. I know they put all race cars into wind tunnels to detect drag and downforce. My guess on these cars is that the wind drag goes up that angled front over their head and then down into the tail section, providing more traction to the rear wheels. Wow, I didn't know about that downdraft thing. Huh. Okay. Huh. Okay.
Starting point is 00:16:06 Yeah. But I do know that wind is not hitting them in the head. I can tell you that for sure. Dude, I... I mean, when you're over 80, wind is one of the biggest factors on a motorcycle also. Right. Well, I watched about three episodes last night, and in one of them, one of the drivers, I forget his name,
Starting point is 00:16:31 he cut another guy off. His car jumped over that guy's car, and the rear wheel landed on his head, hit his helmet. And luckily there's like a roll bar that stopped it from hitting his helmet too hard. Otherwise it basically would have crushed him to death. It was crazy. Yeah, everyone knows it's so remarkable
Starting point is 00:16:53 that those guys very often walk away. Well, there's one episode that Neil Brennan called the best episode of television he's ever seen in his life. What was that? Documentary television. It was like season three, episode six.
Starting point is 00:17:11 And it was the one where the guy's car catches on fire. But in that same episode, there was a guy who was not on a good team. Meaning, and it really is incredible. Like Mercedes and Ferrari, their cars, because they have more money, are superior to the point where they consistently come in first, second, third place. And then you got the smaller companies like Williams and, uh, uh, forget the other names, but like they can't compete because they're not spending as much money on the cars. So this guy who is not from one of the big car companies went from last place to first place,
Starting point is 00:17:53 which is unheard of in the same episode that the guy caught on fire. Wow. I haven't seen that episode. Is that where Nick Offerman kisses a dude? That's a different show. All right. Big news. Have you gone and watched that yet? Oh, I saw it six months ago.
Starting point is 00:18:12 It's the best episode of TV I've seen in a long time. Sorry. I forgot. I forget who's it because I'm telling everybody. I forgot who seen it already. I'm so late to it. I get it. You've seen it already.
Starting point is 00:18:22 I'm so late to it, I get it. That reminds me of that joke where the Jewish guy goes into a Catholic church, and he goes into the confession booth. And the priest says, what is troubling you, my son? And the guy says, well, last night I went to this bar, and these two stewardesses came up to me and I bought a bottle of champagne we did some tequila shots next thing I know they invite me back
Starting point is 00:18:52 to their hotel and they stripped down to nothing and we had a pillow fight in the nude and then all of a sudden one of them started blowing me and the other one was licking my asshole. We had a crazy three-way.
Starting point is 00:19:08 It went on. We did it three times that night, fell asleep in each other's arms, woke up, did it again this morning. And the priest says, oh, my son, when's the last time you confessed? He goes, I've never confessed. I'm Jewish.
Starting point is 00:19:22 And then he goes, then why are you telling me this? And the guy goes, I'm telling everybody. That's like the doctor, the guy comes in for his results, and he goes, I got some good news, and I'm going to blow this joke, but same conceit. I got some good news, and I got some bad news. He's like, what do you want first? He's like, the bad news.
Starting point is 00:19:44 He's like, okay, your cancer's terminal. There's no hope. He's like, Jesus news. He's like, what do you want for it? He's like, the bad news. He's like, okay, your cancer's terminal. There's no hope. He's like, Jesus Christ. He's like, well, what's the good news? He's like, you see my receptionist? I'm fucking her. Yeah, that's a classic. I remember that one. This one, this guy, this guy's
Starting point is 00:20:00 driving down a country road and all of a sudden he sees a wooden sign nailed up to a tree that says talking dog two hundred dollars and the guy's like curious and he's like what the fuck is this so he he sees another sign pointing down a dirt driveway drives down the driveway it's like a it's like 300 yards to get to this beat-up shack and he pulls up and there's a dog sitting there with a farmer. And he says to the farmer, is this the talking dog? And the dog goes, why are you saying that with sarcasm in your voice? He goes, do you know who I am? He goes, I was in Nicaragua with the freedom fighters. I was a spy. I was a CIA spy. I came back. I was there at Obama's presidency.
Starting point is 00:20:49 I came in. I used to be a mind-sniffing dog. I saved so many soldiers in Afghanistan. And I was nominated by the president to be the dog of the year. And then the guy goes, this is incredible. He goes, how could you possibly sell this dog away for $200? He's incredible. And the farmer goes, because he's a fucking liar. I like it. Look at we're loading this thing with jokes.
Starting point is 00:21:22 Yeah, jokey, jokey, jokey Sunday papers. By they, jokey, jokey Sunday papers. By the way, I lost, Carol Leifer is a big fan of the show. Shout out to Carol Leifer. She's a big writer, wrote for Seinfeld forever. I believe she was, I believe Elaine's character was based on Carol Leifer. I've heard that.
Starting point is 00:21:44 Yes. So anyway, I lost her email, but I want her to contact me because I want her on the podcast, and I lost her contact info. I think I might have seen her crossing the street. I was going to the picket line at Fox. Yeah. That might be—does she live on this side of the hill? Yes. So you might run into her there. Oh, you know, all the days that you get over there. Okay. Uh, here's a huge correction. We, we talked about a fake news story and got sucked right into it. Uh, target, uh, on may 19th anti lb lgbtq groups and commentators promoted the claim
Starting point is 00:22:31 that target was selling tuck friendly bathing suits for children viral videos referenced two items with tag highlighting the bathing suits tuck friendly construction and crotch coverage area it was uh the closing was aimed at transitioning or non-gender conforming people. Several viral tweets alleged that these products were what you will find in the kids section of Target. So anyway, Target came out and said that these claims come from an apparent disbelief. Where is it they basically basically uh target told them that the tuck friendly of items were not available in kids sizes both pages list the products as coming in general adult sizes and offer adult extra small
Starting point is 00:23:23 as the smallest size for sale because the product in question was not in fact designed for children What if my big gay baby is 90 pounds? Right. Well, I mean, Fox News apparently promoted the shit out of this false claim, and they're the ones that really launched it so once again fox news just you know that was only one detail in our story but they're they're t-shirts with the sayings those were all there what were the sayings very um you know well no i think they're pro-lgbtq but they're not putting out trans outfits for children. Right. But we also did the sayings, which the right was saying, are very woke clothing and slogans. Yes. Well, if you want to be woke, come see me do stand-up comedy.
Starting point is 00:24:19 Boston, Massachusetts. Laugh Boston, June 16th and 17th. Very excited about one of my favorite clubs. Come on out. See my new hour. Pottstown, PA. Soul Joles on July 21st. Point Pleasant, New Jersey.
Starting point is 00:24:36 Uncle Vinny's July 22nd and 23rd. Hey! July 22nd and 23rd. And Dan Brickner and Dave Mason will be at that show from BU. Oh, that's great. We're trying to get you to come down because we're going to all play golf. You'd be the fourth.
Starting point is 00:24:51 My dad's in L.A. I would love to do that. My dad's in L.A. that weekend visiting. Fair enough. I just looked it up right now. Okay. Front page. You want to read it?
Starting point is 00:25:04 Yeah, but I don't got no paper. Hold on. I got a paper. I have a wrapper. There it is. I have some bird dog pants I haven't opened yet. Huh? All right.
Starting point is 00:25:14 There it is. Extra! Extra! We all about it! Extra! Here we go. Fastest girl in Connecticut, Chelsea Mitchell, suing state after losing to trans athletes. Chelsea realized her potential as a runner when she broke two school records in her first meet as a freshman at Canton High School in 2016.
Starting point is 00:25:39 But in her first statewide competition, she was forced to compete against a transgender athlete, something she said she had never really heard of until it happened to her. She lost. By her sophomore year, she says, there were two transgender athletes regularly blowing biologically female track stars out of the water. They took 15 state championships away from other girls, and there were 85 girls that were directly impacted by them being in the races. By senior year, she had reached a breaking point and came out of the shadows to file her lawsuit. Quote, I filed this lawsuit back in 2020, and so I think it's sad that this is still happening, she said. And the trial is dragging on because the judge is a biological woman and is slow. They should get a trans woman hearing this case.
Starting point is 00:26:38 Boom! Speed it up, man. Faster, faster. Yeah. What else though I had? There's also trans men on the track team. Women who, sorry, let me see this again. Oh man, I can't even read my own writing.
Starting point is 00:26:58 There are also trans men on the track team. They were biological women who compete in men's track. Oh, really? Yeah, but they also get a varsity letter in swimming because they're lapped so many times. Oh. So that's a bonus. Yeah. Who
Starting point is 00:27:15 was it that said, I'm all for trans women competing, but am I allowed to bet on it? Yeah. There's a comedian and he goes, I'm going to bet on it? Yeah. There's a comedian, and then he goes, I'm going to bet on the lady with the size 12 shoe. I'll tell you what.
Starting point is 00:27:38 These women in Connecticut are fast, and I think it's because Woody Allen and all those Kennedy boys have been lurking around all those years. I don't know. I think the trans athletes get it. You know what? They won. They won the trophy. I mean, plus state championships are pretty gay to begin with.
Starting point is 00:27:56 Although we don't know that trans is gay. I can't make that mistake. You can be trans and still be attracted to a woman. It's identity, not sexual preference or anything. Right. But as Chappelle said about the trans
Starting point is 00:28:15 woman swimmer, silver's the new gold, ladies. Alright, Green Fuel, this All right, green fuel. This is you, I think. Fat from dead pigs, chickens, and cattle are being used to make greener jet fuel, but there's a warning this approach could backfire and end up being worse for the planet. As airlines are under pressure to reduce their carbon emissions,
Starting point is 00:28:41 which usually come from burning fossil fuel kerosene, they're looking for alternative sources of fuel. As animal fat is viewed as waste, a byproduct of industrial meat production, aviation fuel made from it is considered to have a lower carbon footprint. And I guess they're saying Southwest will eventually just use the fat from the heaviest six people to board the flight. Oh, man. And if it's Southwest, that should get them to London and back pretty easily.
Starting point is 00:29:14 I love this new idea of animal fat as fuel, said the whaling industry for 300 years. Yeah, right, right. How is this even a it's crazy yeah i think we gotta farm whales for the fat do you know what they really big pens the whole moby dick thing that industry which was trying to catch moby dick so the sperm whales a lot of the oil was in their brain or in their cranium, I should say. Yeah. And that's where they would get all this oil from.
Starting point is 00:29:51 Huh. Yeah. I mean, that's going to smell fucking hot. You know, you're going to be able to smell that in the plane for sure. No, probably not in the plane. Yeah, maybe not. I know that with those, you know, those cars that run on vegetable fat that they, they pick it up from like McDonald's. Do you know that? Those smell,
Starting point is 00:30:10 those smell amazing. No, they don't smell amazing. They smell like French fries. Yeah, they do. I've ridden behind them. Everyone did the diesel Mercedes. They converted them. They do smell great. You'd never worked in fast food. How would you know? But, uh, I'm wondering, here's how you get the least carbon footprint. Try to bottle the cat, the cow farts. That's, you know, that apparently that flatulence is one of the biggest producers of carbon monoxide. Cruise ships and, uh, methane from cows. Two of the biggest things. Combine the two.
Starting point is 00:30:50 I'm going to patent it. I wonder what the big... Deadman, look up what are the biggest causes of pollution affecting the environment today. Not doing anything about it, Greg. Not doing anything about it. Chick-fil-A, the sandwich, speaking of fast food, the chicken sandwich fast food chain that for over a decade has been a sacred space
Starting point is 00:31:12 for many on the right due to its CEO's hatred of LGBTQ people, I'm sorry, plus, is facing criticism for having gone woke. Some are even calling for a boycott. At issue is the company's new vice president of diversity, equity, and inclusion, Eric McReynolds, who's talking about inserting diversity into everything that Chick-fil-A does. Quote, this is bad, very bad. I don't want to have to boycott. Are we going to boycott the conservative strategist Joey Manorino?
Starting point is 00:31:47 It's only a matter of time until they start putting transsexual semen in the frosted lemonade at this point. What a stupid thing to say. What? You put the semen in milkshakes. Lemonade is for the trans pee. What? You put the semen in milkshakes. Lemonade is for the trans pee.
Starting point is 00:32:13 Opponents want the name changed to biological chick filet? Seems like a stretch. Come on, do your second joke. And then the new item on the menu, the new item on the menu, just for trans women, is called filet of cock. What? Get out of here. They're going to filet the cock? That's pretty descriptive.
Starting point is 00:32:33 Jesus. That is kind of how they do it, but all right. Will they waffle it? Will it be like a waffle fry? Could do that. Waffle fry? Could do that. Speaking of putting gross things in other things,
Starting point is 00:32:50 Melissa Hanks, an ex-hotel boss, frequently takes to TikTok to share with her 68,000 followers the ins and outs of the industry, providing some life-saving advice. Life-saving. She now confidently knows exactly which items in a rented room shouldn't be trusted. The hotel manager revealed why guests should avoid using certain hotel toiletries. She revealed, I will never use these refillable shampoo and conditioner bottles that are in the shower.
Starting point is 00:33:17 People could put anything in them. And I've seen Nair and God knows what else in there. The video went on to claim Melissa has seen bodily fluids in the unsecured bottles. Such bottles can easily be unscrewed. Sounds like she knows what's in there. Yeah. Well, I mean, the tough part is, you know,
Starting point is 00:33:37 those things are on the wall, and they're like four feet up in the air. So to get your cum to land in there once you get the top open, that's the real trick. Oh, boy. That's a young man. There's no old men getting their cum into that. No, you're getting the good stuff.
Starting point is 00:33:55 And it's no wonder my hair never feels better than after a Red Roof Inn stay. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's silky. Silky. Silky. You know, remember Ross Broccoli, my friend Ross Broccoli?
Starting point is 00:34:06 Of course. All right. So Ross, who is who is an eccentric guy who lives on a farm in Nebraska now, he jerks off in the shower and then rubs it in his hair. And he's got great hair. Ross always had great hair. Huh? Yeah. What gave him the idea? Something about Mary? huh yeah what gave him the idea something about mary yeah right well as he gets older he's gonna need help with that so maybe he'll uh get some farm hands um or stay at the red roof in a landlord in duluth deliberately set his apartment on fire all while blasting billy joel's we didn't start the fire uh tra. Travis Carlson faces one felony charge of first-degree arson. Officers showed up at 4 a.m. on 4th Street. The upstairs was on fire. When emergency crews arrived, they found the apartment on fire
Starting point is 00:34:58 with We Didn't Start the Fire blaring. Well, at least it wasn't blaring. It's the end of the world as we know it. That's when you got to call of the world as we know it. That's when he got a call in the bomb squad, the police. But unfortunately, when police showed up, he changed songs and did, in fact, shoot the deputy. Sad. Come on, do your tagline. Don't be afraid of it.
Starting point is 00:35:30 Oh, at least he didn't Wang Chung that night. That's right. You didn't want to read it. It's there. You got to read it. I thought you wanted to go back. Didn't you have? What about yours?
Starting point is 00:35:42 Well, he'll be in his prison cell soon blaring Rate Me by Nirvana. and by the way is there a worse song i think we should set billy joel's house on fire yeah i if that song came on here somehow and i couldn't i would set this place on fire it had nothing to do with a coincidence that fire was in the title it was just dog shit he should have just smeared dog shit all over his apartment then we got oh Denman has put in some facts for us burning of fossil fuels exhaust from factories
Starting point is 00:36:19 and petroleum refineries released large amounts of hypercarbons and chemicals great job getting a list, Denman. Really, really sharp. Now he's writing out the list. We'll come back to it. Number one, cars.
Starting point is 00:36:35 Number two, factories. Soon one and two might not be in the top two because both will be foreign. Our factories will be overseas, and our two because both will be foreign. All right, give us a few more. Our factories will be overseas, and our cars will be these electric foreign ones. Yep. By the way, I'm buying a new car, and I can't decide whether to get the Mustang or the Tesla. Let's try to get one as a sponsor. Maybe you'll get a free one.
Starting point is 00:37:00 Ooh, that's a good idea. I don't think it would pay for it. Well, sometimes they give you a free lease for a couple years if you talk about them. Yes. I think our podcast listeners would have to tell a few friends about the podcast to get those numbers in that range. You got to put it out to the universe. Just it. All right. Let's get to good it out to the universe. No, just it. All right, let's get to good news for Gubbins.
Starting point is 00:37:28 Do it. These are good news for Gubbins. He wasn't killed by orcas in a boat off of Portugal. That's good news. Right. And now I think he's hopped off of Portugal. That's good news. Right. And now I think he's, uh, hopped the private jet,
Starting point is 00:37:48 not joking. And is first in Denver and then New York. Now, I think, well, uh, we're not going to say who he's friends with, but Dennis is friends with a lot of famous people.
Starting point is 00:37:59 And, uh, one guy he's especially good friends with created a show that's been on the air for 20 years. We can say it. It's Bill Cosby. It's Bill Cosby. And let's just say nobody rides for free. Ass, grass, or...
Starting point is 00:38:16 But he's very refreshed when he gets to New York. Yeah. He's slept the whole flight. Hey, hey, hey. So we're going to maybe see him later. He's at Hanano shooting pool. I might stop by later. Oh, that's right.
Starting point is 00:38:30 He's here. Oh, he just texted us he's here. Wait. Yeah, he just got back. He's down at Hanano shooting pool with his uncle. Oh, okay. Entertainment section. You got it.
Starting point is 00:38:54 Man. All right. section you got it man all right well first of all you have not seen air ben affleck matt damon yeah it's uh i heard it's really good i would not call it that I'm not saying it's bad. It was good. I was watching it with Olivia though. So it was cool for her to see, you know, she, she wears Air Jordans and so does everyone her age seemingly. And so it was kind of cool to see that and also how dominant, you know, Jordan was. And, uh, but it, it was a little, um, I don't know. It was a little afterschool, It was a little, I don't know, it was a little after school specially, if you ask me. Oh, really? That'll help you. I think you should see it.
Starting point is 00:39:32 It's also, if you knew it, you know. Is it animated? They're over the top. Is that what you mean by animated? Oh, it's not animated. No, it's not animated. No. no it's not animated no uh and you know they did a thing where you could kind of tell they were wedging something in that was going to be a callback
Starting point is 00:39:54 in a weird way it was like a call forward yeah like it was like oh and then like you're like what did that weird thing he said at the bar have to do? Oh, it's setting up that he's going to do that later. But it didn't feel organic. That happened a few times. Right. I don't know. I guessed one.
Starting point is 00:40:15 I guessed one. Like, you know what's going to happen now? And even Olivia was like, and it didn't happen. She's like, oh, that would have been that. That would have been the best one of those. I don't know. I don't know if I want to see those two guys together. Uh, I, I just find, I find Ben Affleck so grating. There's something about him. He's not good in this, but his character, you know, uh, uh, Knight, uh, is the head of Nike is such an interesting, very interesting character that, uh, that you, you like the character, but when they're acting together in a room,
Starting point is 00:40:54 you really see how he's not half the actor Damon is. Right. Right. And he directed the movie by the way. And he, he cast Damon as the main guy yeah so anyway there's that last night i finished season three of dave and i can't talk about it because you haven't seen it but you know that show prides itself on its finale so this is was its third season finale and um i actually think the other two were better, but it was pretty impressive.
Starting point is 00:41:28 I can't wait to see it. Can't wait. Love Santino. Maybe we need to bring Santino in to promote season three of Dave. Should I call him right now? Call him. See, he's going to spoil it for you, though. How's he going to tell him not to spoil it?
Starting point is 00:41:44 Well, when you ask, when you tell him I said he wasn't in the finale that much, he'll tell you why. Are you going to be able to hear him now? Yeah. You put on speaker? Yeah. OK. He can't hear me. Oh, he won't be able to hear you.
Starting point is 00:42:01 I'll put an earpiece up to the phone. Our call has been forwarded to an automatic voicemail. He just texted me, jerking off, call you back. Oh, that would have been a good thing to interrupt or not interrupt. Yeah, and then little Dickie from the show lives like a block from me. I see him walking around the neighborhood, but I've never approached him. I just feel like, I don't know if he's super social.
Starting point is 00:42:33 He doesn't give off that vibe. And then I don't know if we talked about succession. Well, no spoilers. We will give no spoilers, but I will say it was a very satisfying finale. I felt good about it. You know, people overanalyze series finales, but this one felt like they had a plan from the beginning, from season one, episode one. I feel like there was a beginning, middle and an end and and they landed it yeah well we can't we won't talk too specifically but it stayed true to itself
Starting point is 00:43:14 that's for sure yep and man they all their acting was fucking amazing god of all of all the actors on succession who do you think deserves the emmy the most oh i mean they're honestly it sounds like a cop-out they're all so good in their own way i feel the same way i feel the same way they really are so ol Olivia started watching it, my youngest, and I was watching season one with her. And it is remarkable. Like you see, this is not a spoiler at all, but you see Tom and Shiv. I forgot they, they, they got married in season one. I forgot you saw the wedding. saw the wedding. Yeah. And he was so much more sensitive. Like he hadn't been raked over the coals yet. And so he was like, is this real? Like, should we do this? And this is upstairs. The wedding's the next day. And he's like, are you just like playing me? Like, is this a joke? Like he was how he should have been the whole time. Like, real here like this is not healthy and um so that was really interesting to see uh so yeah they kind of all do and i know what's his name the oldest son gets a
Starting point is 00:44:36 lot of i guess criticism for being such a method actor yeah it works It works. It works. No, no. His whole rhythm. Yeah. You know, he does that British thing of, yeah. You know, like. Yeah. Well, they all do. Yeah. After he says something, he's like, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:44:54 Shiv, what do you think? Yeah. You know, and it's, he's just spot on. He is that character every single second. Yeah. Yeah. It's amazing. So after I watched season finale of Dave last night,
Starting point is 00:45:06 so I was up till 4am. I watched that and then I went to Showtime. I'm like, well, what haven't I seen on here? And I saw the Sinead O'Connor documentary. I highly recommend this documentary. Now, I think it's one of those, this is how I look at documentaries. I think the subject is better than the documentary, but how could it not be? But one drawback was, and they put this up on the screen at the end, the Prince's state didn't let them use nothing compares to you. Oh, really? Yeah. nothing compares to you.
Starting point is 00:45:43 Oh, really? Yeah. I did not know that they could control the master recording of that. Obviously, it's the copyright. Prince wrote the song. So they couldn't play that at all. But, dude, you learn things. You know, everyone, of course, knows,
Starting point is 00:46:01 and it begins with her at the Bob Dylan concert where she got booed in New York, which was just the most disappointing thing I've ever seen. Like, you're at a Bob Dylan show. You can't respect what she did, but, you know, a lot of people didn't know why she did it. The night before, I think, at Saturday Night Live. So that was 1993, I think. October 3rd, 1993, I believe, Saturday Night Live when she ripped up the Pope. But get this, dude. She, I think, is the most punk rock spirit.
Starting point is 00:46:36 One of the most punk rock spirits I've ever seen. So in 89, she was with one album. She was 20, I think. She was at the Grammys performing. And that was the first year that the Grammys finally recognized hip hop and rap in 89. But they didn't televise it because they didn't want them on the program. So she put the Public Enemy logo on her head when she performed at the grammys and chuck d is being interviewed in the in the documentary and he's like we all saw that and couldn't believe it it's like man she walks the walk yeah so that was in 91 then um in 90 sorry in 89 in 91 with the most unbelievable album ever, she had four nominations.
Starting point is 00:47:28 She said, I'm not going, I'm done. The Grammys is a joke. She wrote an open letter. And before that also, she defended Two Live Crew and she couldn't believe Two Live Crew was being censored. live crew was being censored. So she refused to go. And then she won a Grammy. And still to this date, she is the only artist to reject a Grammy. Not just not show up. People do that. She rejected it. I will not accept it. And she called out beginning in 89 through 91, she called out the industry's commercialism and it's racial and gender bias. And she was saying, this is the most racist award show ever. And keep in mind, I mean, this is, you know, was it 30 years ago? Yeah. So even the black artists were like, fucking shit, man. This chick is on it. And they were all like, literally, she was leading it.
Starting point is 00:48:31 Vernon Reed, remember that amazing guitarist? He went to the Grammys that she boycotted on with a picture of Sinead O'Connor on his T-shirt. Nice. Yeah. From, you know, In Living Color or Living Color. I think she became a Rastafarian at one point Oh no, she did But just like all punks
Starting point is 00:48:49 In Dublin She was hanging with all Because Yeah, totally, I mean All of the Jamaican That was punk rock also It was about social equality Racial equality
Starting point is 00:49:04 It was all, like, you equality. It was all like, you know, reggae was, reggae was ahead of punk on that. Yes. Um, so anyway, she's amazing.
Starting point is 00:49:13 Amazing. Everybody watch this shit. I can't wait to watch it. I'm going to have to get your code for showtime. Cause I already have 13. Nope. I got my sisters. Don't tell him.
Starting point is 00:49:21 But boy, last thing I'll say is, and they show like how she paved the way, like with this Billie Eilish and Billie Eilish is like wearing all the baggy clothing, like, please, can we stop talking about my body or my looks and all that? And you know, the origin of her head shave, which was album one was they, the labels came down, the notes came down. Can you please have her wear a dress and she goes what was that and they're like can she's beautiful can she please wear a dress she's like okay
Starting point is 00:49:50 clippers that was her official response to wear a dress she shaved her head wow that's amazing she's all right fucking amazing she's the best and that album i do not want what i don't have like that is one of the most gorgeous complete album it's a perfect album every fucking track i just picture taylor swift sitting down and listening to that album and she must just curl into a ball of shame at what she puts out yeah and search for her live performances. There's not many because there were no cell phones then, but there's a bunch of professionally filmed ones. It's her instrument, so to speak. Her voice is crazy.
Starting point is 00:50:34 Just barefoot with her head shaved, fucking dancing around. Anyway, all right, let's get to entertainment. Oh, that was entertainment. Let's get to Make America Florida. Here we go. Okay, let me find this quiz.
Starting point is 00:50:58 Here we go. So there's this thing which was, someone sent this in. Next week I'll give the person credit. They emailed this into us and I had heard this before, but if you go to floridaman.com, you can look up your birthday and find what type of Florida man you are. So I think we got an April five sitting across from me. April five, baby. April five, Florida man steals ambulance from hospital, drives it into mud. Yeah, I remember that one.
Starting point is 00:51:31 I remember that one. Classic. You had a busy birthday. Let me find mine. April. I think I beat you. April 11. Florida man mayor? I think I beat you. April 11.
Starting point is 00:51:47 Florida man mayor? God, was he a mayor? I'm just going to read what it says. Florida man mayor smokes crack, eats meth, practices medicine without license, fires on SWAT team. Nice. What a menu. The hat trick. That's the only, there's only one April 11. There's a bunch of April 10s, but yeah, they're all great. So that's at floridaman.com. All right, back to our stories. I love this story. Florida boater arrested for BUI after passing out behind
Starting point is 00:52:23 the wheel and coming dangerously close to swimmers. A crazy video out of Florida shows a boater and his passenger passed out on their fishing boat as it sped between swimmers and a kayaker. The video shows a man laying on the floor of the boat, not moving, and a slumped over driver of the boat behind the wheel. When officers made contact with the boat, the driver was unconscious. When asked by officers if he knew where he was right then, all the driver could come up with was, quote, right now, I think we're way out of the way. The driver of the boat was then asked how much he had to drink. He responded by claiming that they had no alcohol on the boat. When it was quickly pointed out to him that there was an empty can on the floor near him,
Starting point is 00:53:14 the man responded by saying, shit. That's perfect. I love it because then it's Florida. So the boater then pointed out there was two cases of empties in the Florida police boat. The cop said, motherfucker. It's everybody. Yeah. I mean.
Starting point is 00:53:36 It is hard to pass out on a boat, dude. Oh, yeah. In the middle of the day. When you're driving. This is Florida. Aren't they supposed to be on meth and other stimulants? And it's not the usual pass out on boats Which is you've gotten up at 3 a.m. to drive out to Montauk
Starting point is 00:53:57 And then when you're on the boat You take all these seasick pills which knock you out I think this is a different type of pass out Yeah It doesn't say if it was a lake or a river or the ocean seasick pills which knock you out i think this is a different type of yeah yeah uh i went it doesn't say if it was a lake or a river or the ocean i can't really tell no i think it was the ocean i think it was right or like in uh the intercoastal or something when you think about how what percentage of people driving boats do you think are drunk i bet it's a lot it's a very
Starting point is 00:54:24 very big problem i mean they have psas about it yeah and if you think about how many people driving boats do you think are drunk? I bet it's a lot. It's a very, very big problem. I mean, they have PSAs about it. Yeah. And if you think about how many people are driving boats, it's not a lot. What about that story about the South Carolina family, the rich lawyers and the son had a bunch of friends on a boat and he fucking hit a bridge and a girl died? I think just one person died. No, maybe two two i can't remember i think it was just a girl there but then then they i think they killed them the cleaning woman
Starting point is 00:54:52 for maybe knowing about who knows but and then maybe killed the mother and the son All right, let's make Florida, Australia. You got it. Joshua Stephen Olding, 32, of Tasmania, pleaded guilty to eight charges of using the Aussie Broadband. He would call the Aussie Broadband, I guess their cell company, to menace, harass, or cause offense. On eight of those occasions, a female call center operator answered, at which point Olding would start heavy breathing and making sounds that indicated he was masturbating. Sounds indicating he was. For me, that would be like locking the door, sliding my little blocker over my computer camera, and then
Starting point is 00:55:46 reciting the Lord's Prayer three times. You should go to jail for that. Any doubt about what he was up to was dispelled by him ending the calls with the phrases, oh, I'm going to come, and that felt good. I don't think he said it like that. Why don't you deliver a dramatic reading of how he really would say that? All right, let's see. Oh, I'm going to come.
Starting point is 00:56:16 Is it Borat? That felt good. You not my wife. You talk again, and I do dirty thing oh my god what a mess I've made also can I add a family member to my call plan Olding
Starting point is 00:56:37 hung up on the 17 occasions when a male voice answered the phone Olding conceded to officers that, quote, he had a problem and was usually intoxicated when he made the calls. Hanging up when a man answered, he said, because he isn't gay. Defense lawyer Andrew Lonergan said his client lived with mental illnesses, including schizophrenia and post-traumatic stress disorder,
Starting point is 00:57:06 which now the female operators have, and was introduced to meth while living on the street after he fell out with his family five years ago. Yet maintains a cell phone. Yeah. Not with a family plan, I guess. You see the most fucking cracked out lunatic homeless people and they're on their phones. Like, where do they send the bill?
Starting point is 00:57:30 How is this happening? I hope he knows in prison he can't just hang up on dudes because he isn't gay. You got to take that call. Yeah, that call. That's an incoming call. Yeah. Big time. Yeah, that's an incoming call, big time. Yeah, that's funny.
Starting point is 00:57:46 But first of all, these women are really diligent at their jobs because they are staying on until he completes and then hearing his post-coital talk. I mean, at what point do you just hang up? Yeah, I know. I know. I know, yeah. Tasmania, the tasmanian devil i'd say the male guys really
Starting point is 00:58:09 missed out all right let's get sports all right a professional triathlete oh and we've got to post a picture for this, is celebrating a race photo that shows her period, despite criticism that the angle wasn't flattering. Elma Pallant Brown, a 34-year-old British multi-sport champion, was competing in a triathlon in Spain when a sports photographer snapped a picture of her striding in a pink suit with a small blood stain in the crotch. The photo has been posted on Instagram and initially
Starting point is 00:58:53 received a comment that it could have been better cropped. Palin Brown responded, thanks for caring, but definitely something I'm not shy to talk about because it's the penalty of females in sports. She continued to say that sometimes her heaviest period day fell on race days and that no tampon could contain it for the event. Three plus hour duration. Yeah, the race was described by sports writers as thrilling and disgusting. Maybe that's the new rule in women's sports. You have to prove you are biologically female. Right, right.
Starting point is 00:59:29 That's probably a ketchup packet that she squozed when nobody was looking. And I guess she pulled ahead of the pack at one point because she was on her period. She just didn't want anyone near her right now. And it was in Ibiza. So, yeah, she had a spill in Ibiza. So, yeah, she had a spill in Ibiza. What is it? I took a pill in Ibiza. What's that?
Starting point is 00:59:50 Yeah, and they said, despite the criticism, the angle wasn't flattering. Yeah. I mean, did they want a more flattering angle of that? How about a different photo? Well. How about her face? You know, they run with these
Starting point is 01:00:06 shorts on that are like bikini bottoms now and it doesn't it doesn't hide much we used to go my dad would take us he needed things to do divorced dad with us when we'd visit him in new york city we would go to the marathon every year in november and like hand out oranges and all like a lot of people do that. Like, you know, you just, you're cheering them on as they come up. I think it's first Avenue. Anyway. Uh, no, you would see accidents. It was, and these are 1970s shorts. You would see accidents. It was disgusting. Oh yeah. People shit themselves. They pissed themselves. Someone should have been yelling. don't give them fruit. No fiber.
Starting point is 01:00:49 How many times did you run the marathon? Twice, and I'm proud to say I never shit myself. Yeah. I did pee. Everyone pees at the starting line. It's the world's, I think it held the record on Staten Island, the world's biggest urinal, or it was like a trough. But I think it, world's biggest urinal. It was like a trough. But I think it got world's biggest urinal, which is...
Starting point is 01:01:08 The Verrazano-Narrows Bridge? Well, that's also the world's biggest urinal. That happened, too. And it snowed one year at the start. Oh, my God. Yeah, I know. I know. A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, revealed on CBSbs mornings that he was diagnosed with early stage gum disease
Starting point is 01:01:28 looks can be deceiving he said smiling i just recently went to see my dentist and not thinking anything about gum disease and he tells me uh that uh 65 million americans have this gum disease he urged people to take care of their teeth, see their dentist. And, uh, yeah. So look, I found,
Starting point is 01:01:51 if I was a rod, I'd be more concerned with diseases with my cock. He fucked every Puerto Rican woman in the Bronx for 20 years. Plus Madonna. Madonna alone is worth an office visit. What a news story. I can't wait till a rod holds a press conference because he stubbed his toe or pulled a nose hair out. And guess what? It hurts.
Starting point is 01:02:12 What is this? And by the way, looks can be deceiving, he said, Smad. And that's basically saying, I know, I'm beautiful, but I got this disease. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're really complaining about that disease? It's ridiculous. I know. Do you think Ben Affleck hears a story like this and knows J-Lo dated him for years?
Starting point is 01:02:33 You must think, like, how low is this bar? Yeah. How low is the bar to be fucking this woman? Well, if he had gum disease, I would he gave it to uh j-lo's vagina and then uh affleck now affleck has got it he's got to get it affleck has gum disease on his uh on his privates yeah well who knew chewing tobacco and gnawing on pistachios for three decades might cause some issues in your mouth? I mean, so many people have bad breath.
Starting point is 01:03:09 I just came. Did we talk about this? We did. We talked about it last week. The bad breath, man. It's so fucking intense. Jesus. Yep.
Starting point is 01:03:20 All right. Let's get to international. Sure, then. All right, let's get to international. Sure, then. A friendly beluga whale. They're all friendly. Is that where they get caviar?
Starting point is 01:03:35 Is that beluga caviar from beluga whale? No, isn't it from urchin or salmon? Chris can look it up. That was first observed wearing a harness four years ago is believed to be a Russian spy who reappeared in Sweden this week puzzling scientists. The beluga first popped up off the coast of Norway in 2019, spotted by fishermen who noticed the whale was wearing a harness equipped with camera mounts.
Starting point is 01:04:04 A fisherman alerted norway's directorate of fisheries who set a clip uh on the whale's harness red equipment st petersburg inter indicating it might have come from russia the whale seemed playful but our instincts said that it was also asking for help to get the harness off. They believe it came from Russia. They've been known to train belugas to conduct military operations before, guarding naval bases and finding lost equipment. They said it was clear the whale had been trained,
Starting point is 01:04:38 noting it was approaching boats, raising its head above water and opening its mouth, suggesting it was waiting to be fed as a reward. It was unclear how the whale ended up in Norway, but one theory is that it somehow escaped its marine pen. There's footage on YouTube of them playing catch with a wild one that doesn't have a harness or anything, and they throw this ball out, and it goes and it gets it,
Starting point is 01:05:02 and it brings it to the boat. I think they're very smart. But I mean, this is how this meeting went. Comrades, gather up. New rule. Come on, do the accent. No, my wife. It's the only accent I got.
Starting point is 01:05:19 Comrades, I don't, I don't, I'm just going to turn into German very soon. I don't have the concentration to do an accent. My voice changes. Comrades gather up new rule. Don't write equipment St. Petersburg on the spy whale's collar. And also who wrote it in English for fuck's sake. Yeah. There it goes goes German.
Starting point is 01:05:46 I don't know how to do Russian. How did they not know it was a spy right away? He was smoking a filterless cigarette. He had a briefcase. Trenchcoat. Trenchcoat. Yeah. Tough to swim in a trenchcoat.
Starting point is 01:05:58 Tough to keep a trenchcoat on when you have no arms. But he did it. Also, did they ever talk with the beluga whale when it got back? Listen, the asking for a treat, we told you to lose that shit. Because basically the whale's presenting like, hello, I
Starting point is 01:06:15 attached a magnetic bomb to your hull. Can I get some mackerel before I swim really fast away from here? Well, here's what they should do. The Swedes, I don't know if the Swedes have a women's basketball league, but maybe the Russians capture a player and then use her in a trade to get the whale back. We need that news story back. We need it.
Starting point is 01:06:41 Yeah. I plays a basketball with the other women's see that what accent is that that was swedish that was swedish oh all right swedish good good good yeah i'm spacing out i could do i have to hear russian a little bit then i could do it all right let's get down to this day in Okay Why don't you read this one Because my voice is starting to go My voice is already gone But I will read it First I gotta plug in this computer
Starting point is 01:07:14 I can't believe Santino hasn't called us back How long can you jerk off for? Don't ask me that question Alright, here we go Holy shit. This is long. This day in history. All right.
Starting point is 01:07:27 First, don't read the whole thing. Oh, should I read the last sentence? Just cut for domestic guru and media mogul, Martha Stewart, known for her good things, tips and tricks.
Starting point is 01:07:38 Things turn very bad when a federal grand jury serves her and her former stockbroker, a nine count indictment, including charges of obstruction of justice, securities fraud, conspiracy, making false statements. So this is the time that Martha Stewart was busted. And boy, did they mean it for insider trading. And then she resigned immediately from her post once the charges were made. And then they pleaded not guilty. And the prosecutors charged that in 2001, she was tipped off by the broker, her broker, that the stock, IMClone, IMClone's stock was
Starting point is 01:08:23 going to drop after the company's owner received inside information that the FDA was going to decline review and application, blah, blah, blah. Stewart shed her nearly 4,000 Imclone shares worth $230,000 one day before the FDA decision was announced. So in a surprising turn, she went to jail. She went to jail. I mean, how can you be that rich and get hung up on a charge like that? That's such an easy charge to beat, don't you think? Well, they really were throwing, I mean, there should be a joke here, but they really were throwing the book at her. I mean, I'm reading it now. I didn't know this. She filed an appeal, and it was denied. Like, she didn't even get to retry it. Five months, but it was only five months.
Starting point is 01:09:14 It was West Virginia Minimum Security Federal Prison. She completely renovated it. It was clean as fuck when she left. Oh, my God. The potholders? They were holding pots with, like, towels before she got there. Oh, and the beautifully carved shivs. It was amazing what she could make a shiv out of.
Starting point is 01:09:36 The weaving of the pubic hair. It was elegant. And then she became more famous than ever in her career on the other side of prison she really was popular inside she really was doing craft classes and shit like that people fucking loved her she has this ability first of all she's a doer right so she's very accomplished so there's something to envy there but i think she's so like in her own, I don't know if she's on the spectrum, but she's so in her own zone that,
Starting point is 01:10:10 uh, I don't think she spends any time thinking about what people say about her. Yeah. Which is interesting because her whole MO is trying to impress people. I wonder if she'd argue with that. Maybe you're just trying to impress yourself with a great looking kitchen and great cooking and hosting. But you're hosting. No, no, I'm wrong.
Starting point is 01:10:40 She does care very much. But there is a disconnect there. Well, I know somebody very well that worked for her, and she was tough. Yeah. She was very tough to work for. But, you know, with results. I heard stories that she would absolutely throw out, like, projects were tons of effort. Or even, like, she came in, it was, was like some big event. I forget what it was,
Starting point is 01:11:08 but hosting maybe for super powerful people, whatever. And there was, you know, wait staff with trays of pre-made drinks, let's call them like mojitos or some, some complicated drink. And she just walked right up, took a taste of one, and goes, those are all too warm. Throw them all out. Make all, you know, like she's one of those. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 01:11:31 This is from Denman. Caviar comes from wild sturgeon. Beluga caviar comes from beluga sturgeon, another type. To clarify, the beluga whale Greg mentioned is a mammal and has live birth. So you have to eat the giant fat bald babies if you want the same effect. The veal, the veal of whale meat. Have you ever seen them harvest the caviar out of sturgeon? No.
Starting point is 01:12:04 They, at the high end, I'm sure just YouTube it. It's pretty crazy. But it's also the same type of video is also, and they have these strainers, but the way they get, like they just get all those eggs out of the fish in the most efficient way yeah on an assembly line and then slide the fish down they also do the same in these hatcheries with trout and they hook it up like to this hose and get oh this is in the hatchery they get all the eggs out
Starting point is 01:12:42 of the female discard her body she gets thrown down this like chute then they get all the eggs out of the female, discard her body. She gets thrown down this chute. Then they get the male and harvest his sperm. He gets thrown down a chute dead, and then they mix them together in a bucket. No shit. Yeah, but it's mesmerizing to watch. I guess it's the same type of thing as watching a pimple popper. For some reason, it's very similar. You're like, I don't know why I'm watching this. So beluga caviar has sperm in it? No, no, no.
Starting point is 01:13:10 These are two different things, but it's so similar because you're getting all the eggs out of a fish. Right. Okay. You're ripping open or inserting a tube into it or ripping open its belly, getting it all out. All right, let's do some letters to the editor. Okay.
Starting point is 01:13:28 We got a lot this week, so I can't get to them all. But one thing people were excited about, we mentioned that we want to do some merch, some merchandise, and some people had some ideas. Isaac Sandoval said, since you guys have both been arrested, would it be possible to get your old arrest pictures and make cool t-shirts? How about that? Yeah, I don't have mine.
Starting point is 01:13:55 I don't have mine either. I wish I had it. I was wearing a New York Rangers jersey before they made me take it off, and then they accused me of being Sandstrom, Mr. Sandstrom, who was a wing on the Rangers. Oh, of course. I had a fat lip with blood coming out of it. That would have looked pretty sweet. I mean, I did call them. I mean, I told that story a while ago, but they had a paper copy of my incident report in the archive building because it wasn't digitized yet
Starting point is 01:14:27 the goddamn tsa knew about it which i still don't know how they knew about yep maddie o from brooklyn says you should create an actual old-timey or modern version of a newspaper with sunday paper's greatest bits and conversations i'd. Yeah. I'll leave that up to Mike. Mike, you want to get on top of that? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Check with me next week. Hey, Fitz dog. Here's a new merch. I'm not shitting on the idea. It's the great idea, but I mean, how much time and effort would that take? And we'd sell a dozen. That should be our slogan. We don't deliver. That's good. Sunday papers, we don't deliver.
Starting point is 01:15:08 That's really good, actually. Hey, FitzDog, here's a new merch idea for you. We just started a cornhole wrap business. Here is a wrap for the Sunday papers for you. It will be a hit. And he sent a picture of a cornhole set up with our faces on it. The shipping. Shipping would be a little bit of an issue.
Starting point is 01:15:32 Or is it just a wrap? Oh, maybe it's just a wrap and they send. I don't know. This is from Avenue Tattoo. He had a bunch of ideas. Pop sockets. What had a bunch of ideas. Pop sockets? What's a pop socket? I think it's that thing you sniff really hard before you come into a guy.
Starting point is 01:15:52 That's a popper. Oh, sorry. Stickers. That would be easy. Refrigerator magnets. Rubber bracelets. Rubber bracelets? What are we competing with?
Starting point is 01:16:04 The cancer people? Weed grinders. I like that. Matchbooks. Oh, matchbooks, lighter leashes, bottle openers, ink pens, drink koozies, uh, postcards with you and Mike on them rather than a city state. Huh? Drink. Okay. Here's what jumps out at me. Drink koozies. I like, and then, you know,
Starting point is 01:16:29 the very obvious one, but I think maybe we do this. Why don't we make a hat? Oh, really? Cause you could crush up the hat. The hat weighs nothing. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:16:42 You could put it in thin envelope. We could work backwards. That's how cheap we are. We could work backwards and, uh, Oh, there's a pop socket. It's on the phone. It's the back of the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It goes to the back of the phone. That's what all the influencers have. Uh, hot chicks, hot chicks love pop sockets. So here's, here's the, his last idea is kind of interesting. He said baseball card style playing cards with your stats, i.e. 2,100 bombs, 30 sets, 5,500 kills. That refers to stand up. But we could do playing cards with the covers of the different episodes on them.
Starting point is 01:17:26 Oh, like a big set? No, like each card would be the logo from a different week. No, that's what I mean. Usually you have to pick one, and all 52 would be that. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because pretty soon you're going to know what the aces are. Oh, yeah, the ace is that one where they look like Tom Cruise. Yeah. I'm just trying to think what I would get.
Starting point is 01:17:52 A lot of these are good ideas. I love the matchbook, but, you know, and the weed grinder. There's also pins. There's also, like, my pins. We could do one of those. Yeah, you and your pins. The pins are great You can stick them in an envelope
Starting point is 01:18:06 Done And then what do people do with them? They stick them on their denim jackets Or their backpacks Or else you've got You've always got that drawer in the kitchen I didn't realize it was still 1978 What?
Starting point is 01:18:18 You've always got the drawer in the kitchen That's got the flashlights and the dead batteries in it It fits right in there Oh, that's true It could go and the dead batteries in it. It fits right in there. Oh, that's true. It could go right in that drawer. The drawer. All right. I thought this guy was going to pitch a tattoo.
Starting point is 01:18:33 This is from Hal, who says, Do you and your partner, Mike, figures maybe? Oh, we should make figures, like action figures. I guess LeBron James did it. and be like old-timey newspaper boys, and on the base it would say Sunday Papers. That's not bad. I think that idea leads to a bobblehead. Yeah, goes right on the mantle next to your family photos and your trophies.
Starting point is 01:19:00 Maybe it did something at work. And the ashes of your dearly beloved deceased people. All right, now Aaron said, the story on the killer whales is rumored to go back to an incident where a whale was killed or possibly murdered by a fishing boat. Talking about Portugal. They are literally bullying all boats in the area. There are videos of YouTube of attacks.
Starting point is 01:19:22 How terrifying to know they are ripping off your rudder and shaking you around to let you know you're on their turf. Help us and you're only alive because they let you live. Remember the trainer who was killed at SeaWorld? Yeah. While fucking little kids sat and watched. That was brutal.
Starting point is 01:19:40 That's right. Yeah. I guess we should amend what we said. No one has ever been attacked or killed in the wild. Yeah, and the videos of swimmers, open ocean swimmers with killer whales swimming right underneath them. I know. You just are on such edge when you watch it. Yeah, because they look like seals.
Starting point is 01:20:01 They got on black wetsuits. They're so goddamn smart. I mean, it's not like, I mean, they know what boat you are. I mean, you know, it's not like it's some animal who has a vague notion and is hostile and aggressive. It's like, no, no, this is calculated. They bite off your rudder and now you can't steer your fucking boat. They're like, look at your primitive craft, you stupid idiots. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:20:30 Get back on land. Wade Daniel said, on the Sunday paper show, you were saying how annoying it is when someone tells you to do better. How about when some sanctimonious fuckface tells you to wake up?
Starting point is 01:20:51 Yeah, how about I wake up and knock you out that's what he said is he talking about like wake up as in woke yeah you think that's what he's talking about yeah i guess some people say wake up i've heard that isn't it like a wake up and smell the coffee or like wake up? No, I think it's like... I need to be told to wake up. When you're a white boomer guy and you say something like you make fun of pronouncing LGBTQ+, like I did earlier, they'd say wake up. Yeah, I don't know about that. All right.
Starting point is 01:21:23 All right. Aaron said, I've listened to every Sunday paper since you guys started. I mean, Wade Daniels doesn't sound white, does he? I've always been curious how it would go if Denman picked all the stories one week and read them to you guys blind. Would be cool to hear your off-the-cuff reactions and not have you guys distracted by looking at the documents.
Starting point is 01:21:46 I think you are both the most funny when you're in the moment reacting to each other plus less prep work. Denman, what do you think? You want to do it? Huh. How fun would that be? He loads all the stories? Chris said great idea. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:01 He's going to pick them, load it up. I can't wait to see his source for all the news stories. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to pick them, load it up. I can't wait to see his source for all the news stories. Yeah. Yeah. I hope you like Fox News and Stormfront, he said. Was that what he said? Yeah. That would actually be hilarious. Alright. And then we'll get to the
Starting point is 01:22:20 rest next week. And let's get down to the obituary. First story is he's trying to recharge rosa parks for not getting out of her seat i don't know posthumously yeah exactly and that's all folks The obituary this week is June 4th, 1993. Well, my father died yesterday, 30 years ago. Oh, dude, you know, I didn't even go down this far in the document. That's so sweet you put this in here.
Starting point is 01:22:57 Yeah. So I'm going to read you. They did an obituary of him in the New York Times, and I just want to read some of it. Oh, man, this is awesome. Bob Fitzsimmons, personality on TV and the radio, 53 years old. Bob Fitzsimmons, a New York radio and television host known for his wry interviews and celebrity guests, died on Wednesday. He was 53 and lived in Tarrytown, New York. He collapsed at a Manhattan restaurant, that was Rao's,
Starting point is 01:23:27 and taken to Metropolitan Hospital where he was pronounced dead. Mr. Fitzsimmons was noted for his silky-voiced radio anecdotes during the morning drive time period at WNEW AM, where he was host with his partner, Al Rosenberg. He had his own show from 1991
Starting point is 01:23:42 until the station changed its format to all business last year. He was also a host of the Jerry Lewis Muscular Dystrophy Telethon from 1973 until 1989 and was one of the original hosts of the morning television show Good Day New York. Born August 14, 1939 in Queens, Mr. Fitzsimmons grew up in the Riverdale section of the Bronx and was a graduate of All Hallows High School in the Bronx and Boston University, where I graduated and my sister. In 1962, Mr. Fitzsimmons began his broadcasting career at WNEW as an assistant to Ted Brown and William B. Williams. He also appeared as the character trevor
Starting point is 01:24:26 traffic with the radio oh here's santino hold on let's take santino interrupting this i know hey buddy you're on the air you're on sunday papers right now and dude honestly it's like when i look back at my career and people go what was kind of the thing that really really made you like proud of yourself and i i'm gonna say sunday papers maybe my third appearance i think it's a hat trick a lot of people haven't been actually we've never ever have guests you might be the only guest we've ever had on the show i feel so blessed man i feel so blessed hips what's up big dog hello he can't hear me right can you hear him i can't hear him is he on zoom or something yeah we're on a zoom call but he's uh he looks sexy he's in his closet with a lot of clothes from his ice i'm still in eighth grade collection yeah that's like
Starting point is 01:25:24 you described just every comedian at the comedy store. Yeah. And some of them did get it from an eighth grader's closet. That's the problem. Oh, right. Oh, no. You know, you could tell them all my clothes I've written. They all say I've given up.
Starting point is 01:25:39 Mike's clothing all says I've given up. So anyway, he was raving about season three of Dave. He binged it till 4 a.m. last night. I have not seen it yet. Wanted to get your feedback on the season. Well, I gotta tell you, Gibbs is a good fan. I love him to death for saying that.
Starting point is 01:25:56 We had fun. I know the reason you haven't watched it is because of the way you feel about Jews, and that's fine. I don't know. I mean, I wouldn't, you know, I wouldn't tell everybody about that, except for your fans. I mean, i mean your closest fans i'm sure are on the same page as you but oh totally yeah no i mean i married a jew but and i only did that to give me a pass on i was gonna say my anti-semitism yeah they all say that but i married a jew. It's like, yeah, Hitler did too, you know? I'm also a really good artist.
Starting point is 01:26:29 Yeah. Yeah, but no, it was good. It was fun. You know, I actually haven't even seen it. I haven't seen it myself because we've been on the road. Me and Bob Lee are traveling around the country. He's about to get in the car right now. We've been traveling around making people laugh. They're all loading in doesn't matter they're all loading in right now as we head to our venue at uh uh we're in orlando
Starting point is 01:26:52 florida no shit did they already do the rhyming fitzsimmons we're on the you're on the air baby you're on the air bob he's got his he's got his second quadruple shot espresso. He does two of these. Who's the Simmons? That's eight shots. Who's the Simmons? Say hi. Hey, Gregory, what's up? How's it going?
Starting point is 01:27:11 So between sushi and donuts and coffee, how often do you have to stop for shit breaks on this road trip? That's a good one. That's a good one, man. Well, you know, at least I have all my hair, you know? Yeah, I know. It's dangling off your lip like a fucking spider. That's where you're hairy.
Starting point is 01:27:31 The gang who couldn't shoot straight. Boston Convoy right there by me. What do you got? You got Jet Ski in there, too? Jet Ski's right here. Say hi, Jetski. What's up, Jetski? What's happening?
Starting point is 01:27:51 Ask if they already did the Ryman. I think they did. Made and underworked everything she ever dreamed of. I hope it lasts forever. Did you guys do the Ryman Auditorium yet in Nashville? We did. We did, man. All right.
Starting point is 01:28:07 That's amazing. How was it? Great. Yeah. It was probably one of our absolute favorites. I physically abused Bobby inside the Johnny Cash room, which I think was reminiscent of Johnny's days. So I feel like I beat my bitch there.
Starting point is 01:28:23 You know what I mean? That's awesome yeah that was one of our favorite venues we played we played some fun ones but I think the Ryman was top um but it's been amazing man it's been it's been so fun and the fans have been we've got we've got we're getting a lot of gifts from people uh what like weed hey you're on the radio i am say hi what radio show am i it's on their podcast oh really who's it doesn't have to who's he doing with mike gibbons you know mike gibbons oh he's great man yeah he was in that he was he was in that BG's yes yeah so good
Starting point is 01:29:10 that's it you better go before this gets out of control love you guys very much love you too bye guys take care I had the headphone up to his
Starting point is 01:29:24 up to the phone, but I guess... It then gets wonky. And then they even broke up at one point. All right, wait. Let's go back to your dad, man. All right, yes. Let me finish my thing. So let's see.
Starting point is 01:29:37 He moved to Youngstown, Ohio for a little while and Philadelphia. That was in my childhood. And then he returned to New York in 1970 to become a talk show host for WHN, then WNEW from 73 to 79 in the afternoon drive programming slot. Subsequently, he was a talk show host and announcer for WABC Radio
Starting point is 01:29:59 before returning to WNEW. In addition to his son, Bob, of New York City, he is survived by his wife, Patricia, another son, Greg, of Boston, and a daughter, Deirdre, of Skagway, Alaska. What? Yeah, she was living in Alaska at that point. Yeah, your family kind of went through it a bit during those years. family kind of went through it a bit during those years. Yeah, it was a hard time.
Starting point is 01:30:29 I mean, it was like my father, we all loved him. He was one of the most charismatic, amazing people I've ever met in my life. But he was a tough father. He was crazy charismatic, man. Yeah, I think we all needed some space from him at that point. He'd been going through some hard times. And so anyway, I posted on social media about it. And I got to say, I was very touched by the support, the outpour of people commenting and wishing me good thoughts.
Starting point is 01:31:02 And it was really amazing. And I want to thank people for doing that. Also, one of the people that reached out on social media was your father oh wow who who uh said even though he grew up in riverdale the nicest area in the bronx he was a street guy at heart the street guys were the best they were no bullshit they called as they saw it when he came down from the mountaintop of riverdale to get the school bus in the real Bronx, he was right at home with his big outgoing personality and a mouthpiece that dished it out to any jerks hanging out at the bus stop. He was fearless. So that was very sweet of your father to write that. It's very cool. Yeah. Yeah. That generation generation man was uh was pretty incredible but you know what
Starting point is 01:31:48 gets me of course is how young he was when he died like i remember we all watched you at letterman and we went to dinner was it to wilson's on the upper west side okay i think like 70 either i always confuse 72 and 79 but like right by uh um you're right in from the park a block in from the park anyway and he was at the head of the table and you know keep in mind we're out of college at that point it's not like we were in high school where 45 seems ancient. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yet he's had such authority and, and I'm sure he also had a lot of city miles on him and looked older than 53. Uh, way older. Yeah. Smoker, drinker, and very much just, you know, city life other than golf. But, uh, it's crazy. That's so young.
Starting point is 01:32:46 It was so young. And, and it was, what was so hard about it was that I don't know what the rest of his life had in store for him. You know, he was an alcoholic, but he had stopped drinking for like six months.
Starting point is 01:33:02 Would that have held? Would he have gotten some therapy to deal with some of the demons he had? He certainly, I think the saddest part for me, and I spent a lot of time crying yesterday, was just thinking about that he never met my wife and kids and how much he would have loved Erin. I think he would have fallen in love with her. He would have been so proud of me that I actually went out
Starting point is 01:33:24 and met somebody as quality as she was. And then obviously the grandkids, he would have gotten a big kick out of that. That's the part that kind of hit me yesterday. And think about how proud he'd be. Yeah. Of you and Deirdre. And, you know, and I know, I know we joke about Bobby and stuff and, you know and i know i know we joke about bobby and stuff and you know i think i think
Starting point is 01:33:46 bobby you know i don't know what i'm talking about so i should say nothing but took a few hits for the team being the oldest yeah yeah i think it was hard being the oldest in our family for sure imagine that learning curve i was the oldest and my you you know, my, my dad was in therapy trying to shake that Bronx immigrant upbringing, you know, and be trying to be a better parent. So I had at least that benefit. But, you know, I think you're, you know, they were, I mean, how old were they when they had Bobby? They were 23, 22, something like that. And he wasn't ready for it. You know, he was very focused on his career. And he had a very bad childhood. His parents were very abusive.
Starting point is 01:34:32 We'll talk about his brother. He never, well, his brother was, he lived on Skid Row. He literally, he was a Bowery bum. The Skid Row. Yeah, the Bowery. And he lived in a welfare motel his whole life. And he was a really bad alcoholic. And my father took care of him his whole life.
Starting point is 01:34:51 And so at the end of it, you know, he seemed exhausted. I think he had, life had kicked his ass and he gave a lot of people a lot of joy and friendship, but I don't know how much he gave himself in the end. Here's my vision for your dad. In a dream scenario, we get to do this, you know, life over again. He has that terrible heart attack, but it doesn't kill him. Right. And that's his bottom.
Starting point is 01:35:23 Yeah. And then who knows, you know, like you guys were on the up, you were already getting in healthy relationships. You know, you got the three of you went to, you know, good schools. I got sober. Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's interesting to think about, think about that juncture, you know, and if that was the turnaround. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's sad, though. It's sad. Yeah, it's sad. It was a sad day. And again, thanks to people for reaching out.
Starting point is 01:35:54 And so 30 years, 30 years. And my mom and sister went to the cemetery, put some flowers on the grave yesterday. And so we got a nice family vacation in august my sister and mother and her family are all coming to ireland and we're gonna we're gonna have we'll commemorate them there it'll be nice oh that'll be great yeah so anyway let's cheer up let's cheer up and go to the sunday funnies let's do it let's do it alright here here they are the Lockhorns
Starting point is 01:36:29 and god damn it they do not get along she has her fist out and then he's in a boxing stance and she goes relax Leroy I'm just extending a fist bump he's ready to kick the shit out of her.
Starting point is 01:36:46 I like that there's no double standard in that house. Right. And the next one, Leroy's talking to his friend and Loretta's walking away and he goes, Loretta's been ignoring me all day. I can't figure out what I did right. These are great. You have one sentence basically or two to make a joke yep yeah uh hagger
Starting point is 01:37:11 is talking to lucky lucky goes hagger do you and helga ever argue and hagger goes sure every married couple argues lucky goes how do you know when to kiss and make up? Hager goes, when I start feeling hungry. And I just, I got caught up on the first frame because you got to think, do you ever argue? I don't know. He comes back from, you know, invading Persia with crazy venereal diseases from the rape. I mean, yeah, some issues might come up. Also, he still might throw, he might do a little raping at home still. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:37:50 She's not safe. It's hard to leave work at the job. We all know that. Yep. Yep. You come in and you bring that mindset with you. No, they used to say you got to take. It's not a switch.
Starting point is 01:38:02 The rape, it's not a switch rape. You can't just turn it off. No, they say you got to take not a switch It's not a switch rape You can't just turn it off No, they say you gotta take the helmet off when you get home Yeah And you know, they ask people On your deathbed No one ever says Oh, I wish I spent more time at work
Starting point is 01:38:19 I think Haggard maybe will I think he might All that English And Swedish pussy for free. Free. In fact, I make money. Yeah. I don't think the end of his life is going to involve a lot of reminiscing. I think it's going to happen very suddenly and very brutally.
Starting point is 01:38:39 I wonder who the Vikings attacked. The British Isles, famously. Yeah. But I'm wondering who they attacked the most. I'll be up till 4 a.m. going down. Last night was Sinead O'Connor. Tonight's going to be Vikings. All right.
Starting point is 01:38:55 Who doesn't want that life? Maybe the Chicago Bears? What, that's my third night? No, that's who they attacked the most. The Vikings. With Fran Tarkington leading the charge. Yes. That guy, man.
Starting point is 01:39:10 Three. He was in three Super Bowls. He lost. Yeah. Two, two or three. I just remember he always had that single, the helmet with the one single bar across the front, not protecting his face. And not an elegant runner, but he could scamper.
Starting point is 01:39:25 Yeah. And he was constantly scampering out of sacks yeah okay far side where hold on i gotta i got um some info on the vikings here oh where did the vikings attack the most uh coastal targets the the British Isles, particularly Ireland, the trading center of Dorstead around the North Sea. So, yeah, pretty much around there. Yeah, they weren't quite, they didn't have the reach that the Spanish Armada had. Or the Mongols. Yeah, they weren't like the Mongols. You know what? You take what you need, including all that foreign pussy, and you leave the rest.
Starting point is 01:40:05 I think once you get to Ireland and you see those women, they're so unattractive. You're like, fuck it. This is the world. Let's just stay in goddamn Scandinavia where the women are good looking. Vikings like to challenge. All the Irish women would be waiting on the docks. And by the way, they'd all be like, no, no, you are less abusive than our men. Do the accent. Do the accent. You're less abusive than our men. There we go. That was my Russian accent. Okay. Far side. It's a beauty parlor. You got two very old, funny looking women who are working on hair in those big chairs,
Starting point is 01:40:45 you know, with the, with the helmet that slides down, I guess it's a drying. What are those things? Yeah, it's a dryer. It's a hairdryer. And it's like some vortex. Sometimes they're still in curlers when they go in those things. Anyway, you guys know the drill. So then one of them, so in the chairs, one is a woman sitting in a chair. There's two chairs. And then the other is a very large warthog.
Starting point is 01:41:10 And the one woman working on the woman is pointing and saying, and, you know, they're both working on the hair. And the one on the warthog has pulled up the hair and has a comb in it. And the other woman goes, Betty, you fool. Don't tease that thing. I like it. Oh, fuck.
Starting point is 01:41:34 Denny McCarthy. Uh, right now the Memorial tournament is going on is in fourth place. Two shots off the leader. I'm going to turn it on as I clean this place. Fuck yeah, Denny! We should say that's Greg's cousin. That's my cousin.
Starting point is 01:41:53 And by the way, I got tickets for the U.S. Open here in L.A. in two weeks. And we're going to watch him play. I don't know if you want to come out. I'd like to see you remind Denny who you are three or four times. No, I'm going to stay way back. He's not going to see me. I'm going to have on sunglasses and a bucket hat.
Starting point is 01:42:13 Did he get you the tickets? No. Oh, wow. No. It sounds like an American express hookup. I should see if they're giving tickets to white people for free. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:42:24 Right. Speaking of white people, blondies out front. She's talking to a neighbor lady and she's the neighbor says, Mrs. Bumstead, I'm with the HOA. We would like to invite your family to a big neighborhood party this weekend. And Blondie, who is wearing a neon green top slee sleeveless. It's fucking springtime. Black velvet skirt, which I feel she wears a lot. Yeah. And she says, thank you, but we're going away for the weekend. And then the neighbor goes, oh, I'm sorry that you'll miss all the fun in your own backyard.
Starting point is 01:43:00 And then she goes, which reminds me, do you mind if we hold the festivities in your backyard? And there's nothing funny about this. No. And nothing sexy. But I just wanted to point out how this woman looks. Look at her arms. Next to Blondie. Oh, right.
Starting point is 01:43:16 Ordinarily, that woman would be like, you know, a solid eight. They're both keeping it tight. If you saw her in the lock horns you'd be like leroy would be on top of that shit then you stick her next to blondie and it's embarrassing she looks pathetic she does have a mullet she's got a mullet and she's got on shorts that aren't short what do they call those those? Skorts? Jorts. She's got on like a skort? No, jean shorts. Jorts.
Starting point is 01:43:48 Yeah, she's got on jorts. And look at her calves compared to Blondie's. Blondie looks like she's been on the Joe Weider step with fucking 25-pound barbells on her shoulders doing little calf squeezes. This woman looks like she's been sitting on the couch eating Cheetos. What's the step called? Joe Weider. Joe Weider? I don't know. I've never even heard of it. It's a famous calf workout. woman looks like she's been sitting on the couch eating cheetos what's the step called joe weeder
Starting point is 01:44:05 joe wider i don't know i've never even heard of it it's a famous calf workout oh which i need for my my fucking my calf looks like that neighbor's calf because of my achilles blew out and i never stuck with pt yeah even i have like an old alcoholic woman's left calf the dog is even looking at her like what the fuck fuck? Get out of here. Okay, do you know, first of all, here's something we should do. I'll try this for next week. I'm going to ask AI
Starting point is 01:44:33 to write some funnies. That's a good idea. Because AI could do better than this. This seems, what made me think of it is, this seems very AI. Like, that sounds kind of like a joke. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:44:51 But it's not funny. So let's see if they can. Also, do you know how close you are to telling AI, I guess the Adobe one, to have Blondie sleep with people? Oh, no shit. Oh, boy. Calm down. Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 01:45:11 I got to go. I got to go. I wonder if you asked what would she look like naked, just that, like a still photograph. Well, there is Blondie porn all over the internet, and I refuse to look at it. I'm not interested. Oh. There's Blondie movies. Because of respect, right? There's been like three Blondie porn all over the internet, and I refuse to look at it. I'm not interested. Oh. There's Blondie movies. Because of respect, right?
Starting point is 01:45:27 There's been like three Blondie movies made. I won't watch them. I like her here, and that's it. And someday I will find a portal, and I will join that comic strip, and I will beat the fuck out of Dagwood, and then I will court Blondie. I'm not going to take any liberties. I'm going to court her, treat her like the woman that she's meant to be treated like for the last 50
Starting point is 01:45:51 years as she doesn't age. By the way, speaking of AI in my, in my rabbit hole that I went down with Sinead O'Connor last night, I came across a video and it was AI has Adele singing, nothing compares to you. And it's pretty good. Wow. Like you can, it's a little choppy in certain areas where you can tell maybe AI couldn't find Adele saying that word. So they made the word, but, uh, but it's, you know, she belts it out for sure. A couple of times. All right. Uh, we've done a lot today. We've had an interview with,
Starting point is 01:46:33 uh, Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. We have, uh, corrected a lot of things. Oh God. Is this maybe our last podcast from the sound of that cough? I've been almost sick for a week and a half, you know, where it's just sitting there and the symptoms are slight, but they won't go away. And I'm, I don't know if you could tell, but I'm exhausted today. I had three weeks of that, uh, where I was, and I i'm never like that but a lot of people at least it wasn't i was convinced it was covet but that was a while ago so it might be around for a little while pally yep get some beluga caviar babies all right well we want to thank midcoast media yes key and john and chris and beth and everybody else that makes it happen over there
Starting point is 01:47:25 thank you we want to thank you guys for listening want to encourage you to tell your friends to check out the show and get on Apple Podcasts and give it a 5 star and a nice comment that helps us out a lot it does help us
Starting point is 01:47:40 Fitz Dog Radio comes out every Tuesday I just interviewed Pauly Shore. That's right. You told me about that. It sounded very cool. That was a lot of fun. Chris Spencer came out this week. That was good.
Starting point is 01:47:56 Anyway, a bunch of good guests. Whitney Cummings coming up next week. Oh, good. So that's it. Mike, anything you want to plug? Yeah. Go type in Sinead O'Connor live and you'll recognize the, a lot of the three, uh, concerts that they filmed. What I really want to look for. And this last thing I'll say, I know I've talked a lot about her is her first SNL appearance. She played three babies and the last day of our acquaintance.
Starting point is 01:48:25 And I remember that was because I made fun of Sinead like everybody did early on. And then I was like, holy shit. And it was the same way I was with Gaga. It was SNL. Gaga was at a piano, no other accompaniment. And I'm like, here's another person I've been making fun of for their kind of like outlandish actions and behavior. And, but this is raw talent, you know? Yeah. I, I, I'd put her up against anybody. I mean, in her prime, she was just
Starting point is 01:48:58 fucking powerful, original. I mean, her song, the variance of the types of songs she does, it's just a creative bonanza. One last detail, just because it's cool. Not only they tell, hey, wear a dress, so she shaved her head. Then she goes on the ground and is like, there's no fucking black people in here, and you're not going to put black people getting their award on the show. So she put Public enemy on her head. She also, you could see around her waist, there was like a kid's, a baby outfit. I should look it up,
Starting point is 01:49:33 but that was in protest. That was her son's because the label said, don't let people know you have a baby. It's, it's very unsexy. So on the fucking Grammys, she wore her son's thing. It was like wrapped around her waist. What was her son's thing? I gotta, we'll look it up. Next week, how about a nice tease? I'll come back to you next week with that detail.
Starting point is 01:49:57 Clear it all up. Alright, Mike, we'll see you maybe later today. Don't take it hard, take it ish. Take it ish! Sunday, Sunday paper Sunday, Sunday paper Sunday, Sunday paper Sunday, Sunday paper
Starting point is 01:50:17 Mike Gibbons rings the Starbucks on the ticket line He's headed to the Fox fox law says the weather is fine sunday sunday papers sunday sunday papers Sunday Sunday papers Sunday Sunday papers governs in the actors union says the struggles are the same he'll join you on your picket line and he'll jet set off to Spain. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers.
Starting point is 01:50:57 Sunday, Sunday papers. Greg's a good long union man and he doesn't take no shit. From a Baltimore hotel room to scream, read all about it! Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers. Sunday, Sunday papers.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.