Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep 198 1/7/24

Episode Date: January 7, 2024

We pay off our predictions and death pool for the year and guess who wins? The Epstein list is revealed and a dog shits out thousands of dollars in cash. Old ladies are posing nude and Kimmel fights b...ack.

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 three two one read all about it read all about it. Oh, wow. Read all about it. Sunday Papers. It just flopped on your doorstep. It's got a blue plastic bag on it, and it smells like ink. There we go. It smells like ink. Don't you remember that smell when you get the Sunday Paper and the Sunday Comics where the outside layer and you fucking took a sniff.
Starting point is 00:00:48 Isn't it all coupons and all that crap now that's all over it? Well, now it is. Yeah, now it's all coupons. Tire ads? Yep. Tire ads. You know, we just went through the show a little bit and I forgot to bring up, might as well talk about it now, the koozie sitch. Oh, what's the koozie sitch? Right i've been out of town back in town we i have a giant bag of koozies that were delivered but you and i have to autograph them okay and then i gotta get them out
Starting point is 00:01:19 and i think a lot of people you've sent me you haven't sent me that many who are like no it's just a handful yeah i haven't gotten it yet i think some of those were when we were even sold out of our second batch yeah so they feel badly but they were late um so the third batch is in you're gonna take some on the road yeah you're gonna sell them we're gonna split it 50 50 just like i did all this work on this fucking personally licking envelopes and shit. You know I was kidding when I said that, right? Well, I kind of get it a little.
Starting point is 00:01:52 Like, you're on the road. Now it's some merch. And maybe 50, after a while, I'll revisit it. Like, if you're- No. I will only take, I will take 50%. You did all the work on the koozies. I don't know why.
Starting point is 00:02:05 I think you're an insane person. I was a little. And I saw your daughter last night. She came over and was hanging out with my daughter, and she said that she was, what's the word when you make somebody work? She was ensigned or enlisted. Did she say she was not good at the task that she was assigned well i guess she
Starting point is 00:02:27 i guess she earned what you paid her which was nothing after promising her money i still haven't paid her yet yeah yeah that's coming out of your you're paying half of it yeah how much we paying her huh we paying her by the hour or by the koozie i told told her I'd pay her to give me an hour to try to get some envelopes out the door back in December. She did one hour? I did everything, dude. It was crazy. You're really nuts.
Starting point is 00:02:56 You know there's companies that do this, right? Yeah, and then we get like no money for our koozies. Yeah. And this is a personal touch. It is nice. We even hand wrote on some envelopes. Yeah. And this is a personal touch. It is nice. We even hand wrote on some envelopes. Yep.
Starting point is 00:03:09 No, it was very nice. And I appreciate you doing it. I appreciate the effort. I will come by today or tomorrow and we'll do a little signing session. I could also bring them to the game Monday, Michigan game. We got to do that. Oh, sign them at the Penmar? Maybe, or something, or before. Oh, not before.
Starting point is 00:03:31 Well, anyway, Happy New Year, everybody. I know Nat, last week was the, I think we aired on the 31st, so this is our first show of 2024, and we are going to do our predictions.
Starting point is 00:03:46 We asked you guys to send in some topics for us to predict. We got a bunch of those. We'll get to that later. We will see who won. Me and Mike made our predictions, and we'll see who got the most right. And what does the winner get? I think it's bragging rights for a year i think okay fair enough i believe so i think you think you won and i think i think i won yeah it's not
Starting point is 00:04:14 a landslide by any stretch but going through it i saw you had some crazy ones i did but what's funny is we went in opposite directions on Earthquake this year oh we'll get to Earthquake yeah yeah yeah we will yeah exactly we can ask no one will agree with you well we'll see
Starting point is 00:04:39 I think the scientists will they won't because they also know how distance works. Okay, okay. So New Year's Eve, let me recount mine. I think when we spoke last, I had not done my stellar performance on New Year's Eve in Milwaukee, Wisconsin,
Starting point is 00:05:00 in front of some people that, let's be honest, New Year's Eve crowds are by far the worst crowd of the year because they're people that don't go out all year. And then all of a sudden New Year's Eve comes up and they go, we should go out. We should go out tonight. Where should we go? And then, of course, comedy club is just the easiest decision.
Starting point is 00:05:24 So they're not comedy fans half of them have never heard of me which is which isn't an issue but milwaukee just i don't want to insult the city of milwaukee but there was a lack of enthusiasm there was a lack of uh you know i don't know i bombed let's just say I bombed on New Year's Eve leading up to midnight. Did you really? Yeah, it was brutal because nobody was paying attention.
Starting point is 00:05:50 Everybody's like looking at their phones. They're getting champagne and I'm distracted and it just went, it flatlined and I just fucking, I was like, all right, I'm going to get off stage. I'll see you guys in 15 minutes.
Starting point is 00:06:04 And then I brought, I teased that we were going to do a dating show and then we're going to get two people to kiss at midnight and that they were going to get a sweatshirt from the improv a t-shirt from the feature act dion curry and i was going to give them a pin and so we got four people on stage two dudes one was an oil rig guy. The other one was an automotive mechanic. Okay. And the two women that came on stage were both attractive and they happened to be mother and daughter.
Starting point is 00:06:36 So we hook up the mother with the oil field guy because he's got more money. And the daughter. He's got a ton of lube. That tracks. A ton of lube. That tracks. He's got a ton of lube. And he can frack, baby. He can frack it up. And so at midnight, we had them kiss.
Starting point is 00:06:55 And the mother just pecked the guy. But the daughter fucking went in hard. This sounds like a great show. What are you talking about? And the guy kind of turned his face to the side. Oh. So, but we gave everybody sweatshirts and T-shirts and pins. So it was fun for them.
Starting point is 00:07:15 Sounds like it was time for the daughter to get with the oil rig. I know. Wow. All right. How was your New year's eve my so i went down in new orleans for uh three nights and just because we wanted to get out of town but we didn't want to compete with everyone going to sunny locations and vicar mexico or florida anything like that so it was just easy weather was great new orleans was amazing and uh stay in a really great place out by the lower
Starting point is 00:07:47 guarded district, which is near the warehouse district. Oh yeah. That's nice down there. Yeah, it was great. And so the whole, unfortunately the entire town was packed with Texans because the,
Starting point is 00:08:02 the Texas Washington game, the sugar bowl was right there in New Orleans. And Washington fans were there too, but they're not assholes. They're not just wounded ego screaming, walking around in cowboy outfits, which by the way, when I say cowboy outfits, that's how they dress a lot of these people. They're wearing sharp, stupid cowboy outfits that's how they dress a lot of these people yeah they're wearing sharp stupid cowboy boots that cowboys don't even wear and just yee-hawing all over the fucking place so no i love those guys they got the hats they get the boots they get the little crease in the jeans and then they go to work on monday and they sit in a cubicle and they sell insurance all day with
Starting point is 00:08:42 their dockers yeah and uh yeah so anyway we're sitting at a bar at one point and we are there and I'm rooting for Michigan because of my daughter and we're rooting for Michigan and there's Washington people down the bar and we have to whisper to each other because all the Texas assholes are everywhere. And they're like, you guys are going from Michigan. So are we. And then they're like, you know like please please beat Alabama and we're like please please beat Texas to them right and we start doing it and then eventually you know we're drinking getting more and more drunk and we're getting louder and the Texans
Starting point is 00:09:15 are in there but we're eventually like um we it just became we were so excited for the South to lose across the board. That's what it became. And then when the civil war, Oh, and then when Texas, all of a sudden they're pouting all over town when they lost later that night, uh, Hannah had said that it was like, um,
Starting point is 00:09:37 education won the day because they're also clearly better schools. And, uh, no matter what UT says. Yeah. And so it was great to have those villains. You know, it just made it so. And the games were unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:09:54 Yeah, great games. Great games. Govans pointed out that Michigan, the last play, you know, the opposing coach, Alabama coach, got so much criticism for what was that run up the middle. But it was a low snap. And then they showed what the play was designed. And if he had, he was supposed to run left, but I guess the snap was so low, he couldn't then look over. And it was also, I guess, a pass option.
Starting point is 00:10:20 Yeah. And either the pass or if he ran left totally would have scored I think no he never picked his head up that was the problem Nick Saban never picked his head up well Saban right there's the coach and that was the call but yeah
Starting point is 00:10:36 I mean it was just then the QB ran right up the middle but man that QB and of course I don't know talented what an athlete but anyway Man, that QB, and of course I don't know Milrow, talented. Yeah, yeah. What an athlete. But anyway, New Year's Eve, we went and saw Billy Strings play the University of New Orleans stadium there.
Starting point is 00:10:57 How many people is that? Huh? How many people is that? Or arena. Well, it's like a hockey arena. It was cut off a little bit. Us was like 15,000 or so. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:07 I don't know how many, but he sold it out three nights. Damn. And then we call, I don't know, for those of you who don't know Billy Strings, he's bluegrass, but he's becoming like the darling. And Chris is saying he sold out a 10,000 seater there in St. Louis. His following is getting gigantic because the dude comes to play. And, yeah, he's like a fish-type fan. The whole place was dancing.
Starting point is 00:11:33 And so we called, and we heard, oh, he's going to stay on through midnight. We're like, what time does he go on? So it said he goes on at 9. We're like, he doesn't really go on at 9. He's probably a warm-up band, blah, blah, blah. Long story short, he went on at 9.04 and played really go on at nine there's probably a warm-up band blah blah long story short he went on at 904 and played till 1 30 a.m and the help in the stadium like these female ushers these two old black women were talking and uh she's like fuck that she's like stay on till like 12 15 you proved your point then let's all go home she should have been at my show in milwaukee i
Starting point is 00:12:07 was on at 11 15 off at 11 42 uh but he was a and dude he played uh let me look it up i'm spacing it on the cover he played this deep cut from pink floyd it was off metal it was unbelievable dude when you told me how good he was i've been listening to him for the last day uh blown away so fucking good um i like that uh what's the one about divide um he's he's incredible yeah i mean great guitar playing i cannot even believe his hands still move after four hours. It was nuts. Right, right. Anyway, it was a really great show.
Starting point is 00:12:51 Everyone in there was just so into it. He played this incredible Willie Nelson cover. His voice is great. So anyway, that was my New Year's, and we rang it in there, and he was all business, man. It was great. See any tits in New Orleans? No. I wasn't really looking for them to be honest. Uh, we tried to avoid cause of, you know, you combine Bourbon street with Texas and
Starting point is 00:13:14 it's just, uh, you know, an asshole Palooza. Yeah. So yeah, we try to avoid that. Uh, but, but went to my favorite place, Lafitte's blacksmith shop, which now has TVs, which is crazy to me. They didn't even have electricity when I first started going there a million years ago. And, uh, so we avoided like the real heavy parts of bourbon street. So didn't see any.
Starting point is 00:13:38 Well, um, it's, uh, it's a new year. I asked you guys at the end of last year to push me over 100,000 on Instagram. I got a ton of new people, but I'm still at 99,700. So if 300 more people can go to my handle, it's just my name, Greg Fitzsimmons, Instagram, do it. I want to thank Matt. Maybe I'll transfer some of mine to you. Oh, that'd be great. I have a tiny bit to spare.
Starting point is 00:14:06 All young chicks too. The logo this week is from Matt A. Did you see the logo? The logo's great. Yeah, that's awesome. We're doing that story. DJ Seaweed put a groovy track together for us. Thank you, DJ.
Starting point is 00:14:23 He's contributed a lot this year um also we got uh we got some feedback mark dot dimitri said adam copeland sunday papers theme music for 197 is a perfectly tuned dog whistle for an audience able to hear beyond the frequency of the cacophonous room it was recorded in. What he lacks in recording equipment and acoustic sound baffling, he makes up for tenfold with masterful guitar playing, seemingly recorded live in a small room while singing along to a pre-recorded backing track. Simple and incredibly effective, reminiscent of a podcast in its early days recorded via Zoom in closets. He goes on and on about how great it is.
Starting point is 00:15:07 But yeah, go back and listen to Adam Copeland's. He ends with, also Greg so generously points out at 29 minutes into the episode, again, you don't have to be a great musician, but Adam Copeland really is. If you go to the end of the podcast, you can hear the song in its entirety. We only play usually like 20 seconds
Starting point is 00:15:26 at the beginning. I'm realizing, does your microphone have baffling on it? What's baffling? Isn't that what it's, the sound stuff? No. It's actually a filter where you're always baffling. Hold on, wait. What is this thing?
Starting point is 00:15:43 That's baffling? I just realized, I don't know what it's called. I thought there was a wind cover or something. Sound insulation, I think. Yeah. Hold on. I think it stops the peas from popping a little bit. This is where I'm going to put the,
Starting point is 00:15:54 it sounds like I'm applying a condom to the end of my mic. I apologize for any sounds this is making, but I, oh, it's probably warmer now. AMSR. Oh, yeah. Imagine me doing AMSR. Oh, yeah. Imagine me doing AMSR. Oh, just run your, listen to your. Corrections from Rick.
Starting point is 00:16:13 Rick says, how could Mike not know the name of the Michigan quarterback? I am so full-blown worried. I'm fading into oblivion. I can't remember anything. His last name is your mother's maiden name. Is that true? Horbag? What? I would remember that.
Starting point is 00:16:33 What? Yeah. Now, what's your mother's maiden name? No, no. It's your mother's maiden name. Oh, McCarthy. McCarthy. Right, right, right, right. I'm not giving out my mother's maiden name it's like my security word on things i know i've given out my dog's name my mother's maiden name my favorite car yeah um my first teacher i think we've talked about those i can't even answer the
Starting point is 00:17:00 first six things they'll be like favorite sport i'm like i don't know and they're like favorite favorite song oh well i mean it changes like am i that all over the place yeah i know and what color was your first car well the first one my parents owned or the first one i bought right well the first one i bought you can search all day. You're not going to find Harvest Beige. That's what it was. I remember it. 86 Volkswagen Rabbit covered in rust. Matter of fact, the floorboards were rusted out in the front seat. So when I would drive in the rain or slush, the tires would kick the slush up into the car until the floorboards overnight would freeze. And I would get in the car and I would have ice under my feet while I was driving.
Starting point is 00:18:07 I remember they would put such, maybe they still do. Like, you know, they really want to know your zip code when you're asking the value of your own car. Yeah. Oh, if you live in a snowy city, man, you're getting pounded. Right, right. The corrosion underneath it. What kind of car? The way it used to be anyway.
Starting point is 00:18:23 What make and model was your first car subaru gl wagon i bought it in boston used while i was a student at bu dirt cheap lasted forever remember i painted the whole thing did you deliver chicken wings in that car oh 783 bird wing it in boston yeah unbelievable yeah i delivered a chicken and it would it stunk like chicken wings that it that is true i got so many hand jobs in my volkswagen it was amazing wow delivering chicken wings yep uh this comes from felicia baker car bloody hell greg i know you know canada has a prime minister not a president but in four minutes and three seconds you referenced justin trudeau as the president of canada you have shown yourself
Starting point is 00:19:13 to be a typical ethnocentric american and raspy voiced mike did not even have the temerity to call you out on your blatant error did you notice i did i just gave you the you didn't know the name but you the question was wait wait who's he like he can't keep up with the president of canada who's that again so i just coughed up trudeau oh i thought you said true dat i thought you're just agreeing with me well leader man it's not so bad tour dates den theater in chicago this saturday night january 13th it's close to sold out that's right atlanta punchline in georgia january 18th through 20 portland helium uh comedy club february 22nd through 24 la jolla comedy store march 8th through 10th and Tampa at side splitters April 4th through 6th also announcing March 16th Mike and I will be performing at the improv for our annual St. Patrick's Day show oh shit if I'm not in New York how dare you if I am not I think you missed it last year too
Starting point is 00:20:20 yeah yeah we had a good lineup last year we had Zach alifanakis we had bill burr we had um wait was i there harlan williams yeah i yeah you don't even remember i was there oh you were okay good i performed you did great gubbins got on the couch and and and and went down in history in a famous now now famous improv photograph that was taken oh right that made it into like a collection of photos from like the the improv's anniversary or maybe even uh it was like their top photo no there was a 60th it was the 60th anniversary of the improv and they were showing photos of the great comics and on one it was bill burr zach me and fucking dennis gubbins sitting on the couch in the middle yeah no it's and it was taken while i was on stage i think craig robinson might have been in the photo too right it's Is it Craig Robinson? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:27 Anyway, it's always a good lineup, so get your tickets for March 16th at the Improv. All tickets at FitzDawg.com. Also, this show is sponsored by the folks at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy that is licensed therapists that are better than people you get in person because they can choose from anybody in your state. I think it's in your state. I'm not sure how it works, but they are, they're amazing. I use them. I had fantastic luck. I've referred them to several
Starting point is 00:21:58 people who've all had great luck with BetterHelp. It takes out the inconvenience of commuting, luck with better help. Uh, it takes out the inconvenience of commuting of, uh, scheduling it. And, you know, uh, is there a snow storm and I can't get there? No, because you're sitting in your living room. Granted, your kids are in the next room listening to your deepest, darkest problems, but still you're in your living room. Um, so I know so many people maybe because the new year, which is a very you know popular time to seek therapy and want to make change i know so many people unable to find a therapist right now it's very hard to find a therapist so i keep telling them about this and if you try one and you don't like them you can switch over right away no harm no foul uh it really helps learning positive coping skills
Starting point is 00:22:47 setting boundaries it's funny i've been talking to my daughter trying to teach my daughter about boundaries because you know at that age it's when you first start having to have boundaries with friends and she's trying to put up uh you know she's struggling with with with that not struggling but you know she's encountering it and uh yeah therapy really helps you do that stuff and then she asked you like dad what do you mean exactly by boundaries you're like well we want you to move out that's an example of a boundary we want you to move out of the country uh past the boundaries of the u.S. Yeah. So anyway, celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit betterhelp.com slash Sunday today
Starting point is 00:23:28 to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Sunday. Oh man, and that brings us to game time, which we all know I love. Used game time in New Orleans. We were checking the price of going to the sugar bowl, but then we're like game time. Couldn't do anything about removing all the Texas fans. So we decided to Pat that's not their job. So we decided to pass on that, but used it for
Starting point is 00:23:57 Billy strings and got in there to a sold out show. And it would have been a nightmare otherwise. So that was amazing. uh anyway go to game time let me look it up right now in los angeles if you want to see the chiefs the chiefs who arguably could win it all at the chargers tomorrow 48 bucks no yep and i think that's gonna go down you got supercross and this is the discover button on Game Time I love. I didn't know Supercross was in town. There's Supercross, which is twice the price of the NFL ticket at 101 right now. Clippers at Lakers tomorrow, 160. What?
Starting point is 00:24:35 That's pretty sweet. Keep watching it. They have the Rolling Stones listed here for later in the year. But the best thing is they have these last-minute deals, and you can pick your seats and then take a look at how they look from the viewpoint on the app the app is amazing a couple of taps it's in your phone you don't have to download you don't have to print it's really simple and the all-in-one price is what i love because you have to check that to be totally
Starting point is 00:25:01 honest when i was in new or, I was on GameTime. Hannah was on another app, and then she said, oh, I found a deal. It was like twice the price of the deal she found once you figured in prices and everything. Not with GameTime. All the prices are up front. They show you what you're doing.
Starting point is 00:25:20 You buy it in two seconds with the app. As you said, you can see the view from your seat. Lowest price guaranteed. There's event cancellation protection, job loss protection. And they have zone deals. They have game time picks. So take the guesswork out of buying tickets with game time. Download the game time app, create an account, and use code PAPERS for $20 off your first purchase.
Starting point is 00:25:46 Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code PAPERS for $20 off. Download GameTime today. Last minute tickets. Lowest price. Lowest price guaranteed. There you go. So anyway, let's get into it.
Starting point is 00:26:04 We talked about it. We're going to pay it off. It's time for the predictions. Is that a section here? Paper. I'm calling it a section. All right, so here's a few people wrote in. And Tim Dilley, who's the guy who bought the golf package
Starting point is 00:26:22 that benefited people during the writer's strike. I think we just saw a picture of Tim Dilley playing hoops with Coach K or something like that. What? Yeah. It was on the text chain. Would you ignore? Tim Dilley will definitely get divorced from his wife of 30 years if the morons on the Sunday Papers podcast don't stop saying he spent $4,200 for a round of golf.
Starting point is 00:26:44 Sunday Papers podcast, don't stop saying he spent $4,200 for a round of golf. You'd think the host would be savvy enough to guess that Tim had to lie to his wife about how much he bid. Take that one to Vegas and bet the limit. Happy New Year, Tim Dilley. I mean, it's still a fraction of what you paid off for Blow when we did it the whole night before. And the guys, the escorts, they were top notch. They were actors in their day job.
Starting point is 00:27:09 I think some of them were professional athletes. The body's on them. Oh, my God. What about that guy, Jimbo? Yeah. Sean said, happy new year. Merry blah, blah, Jews. Huh.
Starting point is 00:27:22 Predictions. Will Justin Trudeau, A, stop being a Nazi, B, die, C, be on the next Starship test launch, D, wear blackface again.
Starting point is 00:27:32 Wow. This guy, Sean does not like Trudeau or Jews. Or E, stop being president. Right. Yeah. Um,
Starting point is 00:27:42 people, I can't never tell if people like him is he he's like loved or hated right um i i bet he's good looking yeah uh and he's a little similar to our governor newsome here i i i bet i bet there's the same rap on them a little bit where i think the right views them as too woke and soft i could be wrong i mean that's definitely newsome's rap i could be wrong uh so yeah i'm not sure exactly anyway uh zach said do three death predictions each okay um also someone unexpected still in their prime and bonus points for predicting how they die uh charlie i did that i didn't even read this letter really i did that but i did it just for laughs yeah my last one is not one you'd expect and then also a comedian who dies invariably each
Starting point is 00:28:41 one of your colleagues dies so predict it's gonna be my money's on bert kreischer oh don't say it having his long-awaited heart attack uh i don't think bert can be killed i think he is indestructible he's also so engaged with doctors but in the funniest way i told this before but i'm with him in the writer's room uh on the cabin thing and he comes in and he's like he just came from the doctor and he's like fucking guy and i'm like what he's like well you know i asked him you know my levels are crazy and i go you know what can i do and uh he's like it's the easiest thing in the world drink less and he's like what else And he had no other suggestions. All right, let's get to it. We mentioned it briefly.
Starting point is 00:29:32 Super Bowl. We're going to keep track of who won last year and then make the prediction for next year. Last year. Yeah. For the Super Bowl, I picked the Chiefs. You picked the Bills. Chris picked the Eagles. And picked the bills chris picked the eagles and uh kansas city beat the eagles 38 35 i have one point i wasn't even in the super bowl both
Starting point is 00:29:56 of you guys were in the super bowl with your picks at least uh you have one pick okay so for 2024 i'm gonna go with not the favorite but baltimore i think is gonna take it wait a minute yeah that's cheap you are you doing this to make me laugh no no no no i looked at another pick and i put baltimore no i picked baltimore oh god no Maybe I'll put it in the other document. I saw your pick. You picked. I forgot who you picked.
Starting point is 00:30:30 I thought it was KC. Absolutely not. Pick Baltimore. So we're both picking Baltimore? Well, now let me look. I'll change mine. I don't want to be the same as you. I'll change mine.
Starting point is 00:30:42 I'll say 49ers. No. That'll make Govins happy. I'm taking 49ers. Oh, really? Yeah, you took Baltimore. The reason I don't mind taking the 49ers is because that's who I want. Yeah, I would love for them
Starting point is 00:30:59 to win, too. I also like what's his name? Who's the quarterback for Baltimore? Kendrick Lamar. Lamar Jackson. Kendrick Lamar Jackson. Will we get COVID in 2023? I said, no, will Greg get COVID in 2023? And I said, I will not. You said, I definitely will. And you said, remember, I get two points. I did not get COVID this year. Right. And I said, no, because I listened to the podcast today from last year. I said, I get two points because you're wrong and I'm right.
Starting point is 00:31:47 Okay, so I get two points since I didn't get it. You got COVID. I didn't get COVID. I've never had COVID. I thought you finally got it this year. Nope. So that's two points for me. I'm up three.
Starting point is 00:32:02 You've never had it. Never had it in my life. Oh, it's the biggest fucking denial ever. I wouldn't have got to lie. I think I wouldn't have mentioned having COVID. You're forgetting you got it. You finally got it. We were all surprised.
Starting point is 00:32:14 I never got COVID. You stayed in the back house. No, Aaron had COVID. That's why I stayed in the back. I don't know. This year, my daughter got it and my wife got it and I did not. You're in thick rooms where everyone's mouth breathing. It's crazy. You know what it shows? How little people are laughing at my shows. If they were laughing more,
Starting point is 00:32:39 I would have caught it by now. But still they're screaming, give me my money back. And I bet mucus is flying everywhere. Tackling me after the show, breathing in my face. All right. So I'm up three. Denman, are you keeping score? All right. So, so do you want to bet again for next year? You want to re-up that bet?
Starting point is 00:33:00 I don't know. You're vaccinated? Yeah, but not fully. Do you have microchips in you? I'm not up to date on it. Well, you're a liar. So what am I going to bet against this again? I can't believe you're calling me a liar.
Starting point is 00:33:15 You get so sick and you don't test. This hurts me so deeply. Now, I've never had symptoms. I don't get sick. I literally never get sick. I used to be able to say that. I don't know what's going on lately, but it's just a head cold.
Starting point is 00:33:28 Yeah. Okay. Do we want to bet on that again? I've gotten it once that I know of. It's up to you. I got the second strain two years ago. I feel like I'll never get it. So if you want to bet again, I'll do it.
Starting point is 00:33:46 Do we want to bet if you get sick this year? No, if I get COVID. Sure. Sure. Why not? I think it's my HIV. It's incompatible. That cocktail is strong. Stock market, of course I said it's going up. And of course, you said it's going down. I believe the S&P was up 25% this year. Now it's down even more. Which I have a guy who manages my money, who takes 1% of all of my money every year as a management fee. And I'm up about 5% and the market's up 25%. Explain that to me.
Starting point is 00:34:20 I know what it is. It's your age and you're diversified not to be in all stocks i know but then when the market goes down i seem to go down too well that's where he's pocketing some of that right uh all right so now i am up four let's go to bitcoin i said it would go up you said it would go down it went up 150 percent Did you change these? You said it would go up? Absolutely. Oh, boy.
Starting point is 00:34:49 All right. Well, that two-point swing on your COVID lie, that's where I really thought I had you. You mean the thing that you insisted on on the podcast, that it's Sue? Earthquake. You said, will there be an earthquake of 5.5 or above in California? No, we did not say that. It's a Los Angeles earthquake. The reason I don't own a home.
Starting point is 00:35:18 So now you're going to change it to, it said California in this document earlier. Who gives a shit if there's an earthquake in Mount Shasta? You took out California in the document, didn't you? No, I swear to God, I didn't touch anything. Right, and I've never had COVID. We're talking about one here with damage that would validate me finally for not owning a home. Come on. Well, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:35:41 for not owning a home. Come on. Well, I don't know. And you picked a place that's the equivalent of going from like New York City to past Washington, D.C. Yeah, hold on. I'm going to call. Let's call this a push. I'm going to call this a push.
Starting point is 00:36:00 This is literally what Greg's putting in here. A movement which also we talked about what damage and you're like you you went on first you're going it would cause 5.5 million dollars damage i'm like you mean kanye's house like what the fuck are you talking about so we we settled then on billions so you already lost there this is in Almanor, which is 583 miles away. Listeners, imagine 583 miles from your house. All right, I'll give you the point on that one. It's a 215-hour walk.
Starting point is 00:36:38 Let me switch it to car. All right. Oh, we forgot to make our predictions. Nine-hour drive. All right, so I'll forgot to make our predictions. Nine hour drive. All right. So I'll give you a point on that. Next year, I am going to guess that there is not... Mike gets a point.
Starting point is 00:36:54 I will guess that there is not a 5.5 in Los Angeles. Did you feel the earthquake yesterday? No. Was it a 5.5? I'm feeling out of sorts and a little weird sophie and i were upstairs we're trying to clean up stuff and throw stuff out and i'm like and i hate when this happens i feel it and i'm like do you feel that she's like no and i'm like then i'm like oh what is going on with my equilibrium and my whole insides are going back and forth and what did none of this is good and then of course you just look on twitter in two seconds and the funniest
Starting point is 00:37:28 the funniest tweets are on there about the earthquake yeah um so yes i'm gonna say yeah i'm going back to yes okay we got yes and no um demin are you recording these predictions all right let's go back we forgot to make the is recorded. We forgot to do predictions on stock market. What do you see for next year? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's your move. We just deal with last year. I think the stock market's going to go up.
Starting point is 00:37:56 I also think it's going up. Even after the big gain up. Yes. We both say up. Bitcoin, I believe, is going up as well wait you know we should think about but what if trump wins i mean i guess even with that disruption i think obviously the stock market would love it right yeah but they love biden they just reported 230 000 more jobs the stock market is not biden's great for the economy, it's called investment. Don't get me started.
Starting point is 00:38:26 But I would say, yeah, either way, unless it gets bloody, either way. Okay. And then we got to make, all right, now we're down to the death pool. We asked who will die this year. Did we want to do Bitcoin up or down? Does that really matter? We just did. I said up.
Starting point is 00:38:48 I'd say up. Okay. Deathpool, I predicted we each picked three people. All three of mine died. Bob Barker, Henry Kissinger, and Queen Elizabeth, whatever her last name is. What's her last name? Tudor. No idea.
Starting point is 00:39:09 You predicted Tony Bennett, Bob Barker, and Jimmy Carter. So you only got one right. So I get two points. Was this the list? Yep. I think he did a lot of editing. Okay. Wait, what is definitely alive?
Starting point is 00:39:24 I put Mel Brooks. You put, what's DVD? Dick Van Dyke. He's still alive. Yeah. All right, so I get two points for that one. So I'm up six. Now we get, and then who are we going to pick for next year?
Starting point is 00:39:38 I have down. Wait, what two points do you have? I predicted three people died. You only predicted one. Oh, okay. Then we get to next year death pool. I'm going to say Jimmy Carter, Pope, whatever his name is, and Ethel Kennedy. We each get three picks.
Starting point is 00:39:58 I'm going to say Ethel Kennedy. I'm going to say Jimmy Carter. Sadly, I'm going to say Chris Christopherson because I want everyone to think about him while he's alive. And Kelly Ripa. Nice. Nice. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:40:17 I'm going to go Carter because I'll just tie you on that either way. And then I'm going to do christopherson and i'm gonna go dick van dyke okay i i had robert wagner in there i don't know how he's still alive with all the blood still on his hands from killing his wife uh oscars last year uh i said banshees in a sheer and you didn't seem to make a prediction, but either way, I was wrong. I went back and I listened. I did say I liked Banshees, though. Yeah. I said it was staying with me.
Starting point is 00:40:50 I listened to the podcast today. All right, so no points there. I would have guessed. You know, I'm the best at this because I work backwards from what's the most politically incorrect. Remember, I think I even guessed Green Book, which was the biggest piece of shit after school movie i've ever seen yeah and insulting on top of it racially so but i think i even guessed that because i just experienced this uh town's absolute terrified view of things um in what i do they uh yeah, there was the whole argument. Did you ever see Extras when Kate Winslet was on
Starting point is 00:41:30 and she was talking about playing roles either that you're mentally handicapped or in the Holocaust? It's so fucking ballsy that she did that. And then when she won one, Ricky Gervais goes, didn't I tell you you'd have to play in a Holocaust role? And that's the one she in real life won for.
Starting point is 00:41:48 That's amazing. Yeah. All right. So we got to pick the movie for 2024. Yeah, man. I haven't seen a lot of these. I haven't seen any of them except for Barbie. Oh, that's sad.
Starting point is 00:42:04 I walked out of Maestro i heard no pat i heard past lives is very good yeah i've heard it's good but then someone told me i wouldn't like it interesting i saw the whole i saw the holdovers and i am not a uh. Isn't that his name? Yeah. I am not Alexander pain, uh, audience. I'm not, I'm not his guy. Yeah. I, I think sideways was overrated. I think there's a lot of sideways in this with, uh, with Giamatti, uh, going on with minutia and overthinking. It's, uh, on with minutiae and overthinking. It's very similar. I also, I know a lot of people like the one in Hawaii, The Descendants.
Starting point is 00:42:56 And I thought, I just remember George Clooney comically or trying to be comically running around in flip flops. Although I remember liking that one a little better. I don't know. I loved all his movies. The problem is i feel him trying to be funny and i think he's terribly unfunny yeah okay so i'm gonna pick oppenheimer because it is uh holocaust adjacent uh it was a japanese kind of uh genocide okay i haven't seen oppenheimer but this is why I'm not picking it
Starting point is 00:43:25 which is the opposite of you I'm picking Killers of the Flower Moon because I think you related to a movie which was a Holocaust related movie that sympathized with the Germans that's what that
Starting point is 00:43:41 movie does right poor Germans oh also not poor japanese the poor bomb makers yeah yeah the poor white men who made the bombs who had no idea what was going to be done with them we didn't know wait a minute what are you i'm done boss what are you using this for right it's not just for testing in the desert uh so i'm i'm killers of the flower moon even though i did not like the movie okay no it was good don't get me wrong but uh sam with holdover is very well done of course you're gonna pontificate for 20 minutes on every answer are we gonna get through these predictions over are we still recording best actor uh last year we both said will smith he in fact did win
Starting point is 00:44:28 with an asterisk and then uh this year i'm saying bradley cooper for this maestro piece of garbage that he absolutely is begging for an oscar with this role with his hey see i'm gonna play some music right and then we're gonna do that it's so annoying but that's the kind of crap hollywood loves cooper is smelling an oscar nom with that giant jewish nose of his that he wears in the movie right i'm going with giamatti wow because i i think this city feels they owe them I'm hoping that a lot of this city and the voters are sort of annoyed
Starting point is 00:45:10 by Cooper like I am and is just unbelievably transparent just hunger and I don't know you know what Cooper got paid for that move for Maestro because he produced it direct and it was in it.
Starting point is 00:45:26 $40 million. Wow. That's reason enough not to give him an Oscar. He got enough already. Actress, I'm going to go Emma Stone. Did he make such a big... Never mind. Go ahead.
Starting point is 00:45:39 Emma Stone is gold. I always thought she was good, but I have fallen in love with her. She's going to win best actress. She's the only reason that the new, uh, the, uh, the,
Starting point is 00:45:51 the, what's his name? Uh, Nate, Nate's TV show. Uh, Nate Bergazzi. No,
Starting point is 00:45:58 no, no. Chris, write it in there. What? He knows what I'm talking about. Um, no,
Starting point is 00:46:03 uh, I'm totally forgetting what it is, emma stone's in the tv show that's incredibly awkward i'm watching oh yeah yeah where she has autism and she's a scientist no nate nathan for you oh oh right she's in with that guy yeah and i gotta get the name anyway i love emma stone but i think it's gonna go to margot robbie i i think she deserves it i think she was great the curse thank you chris all right i gotta see that i can have to i just have to sleep for three days and get back on track here um and then also in 2023 the question was and this is a tough one will will smith be married because this is after the slap this is after jada pinkett was saying crazy shit uh will smith be married together
Starting point is 00:46:54 question mark so i said yes they will be together you said no they will not be together and they will come up with some bullshit definition like the new version of consciously uncoupling that's a quote i watched the podcast today okay so the red table talk show host who revealed last month she and the independence day star have been separated has officially put an end to any speculation about where their marriage stands now we are staying together forever. So. If I've ever heard a bullshit definition of they're apart, this is it. Yeah, I got to give you that. I'll give you that. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:47:36 Even though technically they are still together. She's saying they're together. No. And the question was together, question mark. You know, are they a couple? They're not a couple anymore couple of fucking lunatics yeah that's what they are next question will we get writing jobs that are union wga this year well that was a tough one since we were on strike uh so we both said yes and we were both wrong so that's a push did we say yes we both said yes all right so you edit this i did this all last night i can't believe that the insinuations that you're
Starting point is 00:48:14 making it's hurtful because i said it i said union and because i was like i thought the question was like will we work ever again because i and then I and then you laughed and I was serious. Yeah. So then why did you say yes? I don't I didn't I don't think I put yes in there. All right, let's keep going. Will Trump run? We both said yes.
Starting point is 00:48:36 It looks like he is. So why do we say it twice? That's what I mean. Something happened to this stop will kamala be on any ticket we both said no so that's a push right um then there is will there be violence following a non-trump win that is my question for this coming election year. Is will there be violence if Trump does not win the election? I say... Why don't we start with the next one? All right. Who will win the election? Will it be Trump? We're assuming... Actually,
Starting point is 00:49:17 we're not assuming anything. You could say Robert Kennedy. You could say anybody you want. Who will win the election? I'm saying Biden. I am too. Okay. I'm not saying it's a great thing, but I believe that's what's going to happen. I just, I think America is done with the drama of, even if you align as a conservative,
Starting point is 00:49:39 I think you're just tired of the craziness. That's my guess. I also think Robert Kennedy Jr. is going to be a kingmaker because in the end, whoever he gives his votes to is going to win the election because he has a huge following. Okay. Sorry, will there be violence following a non-Trump win? I say yes.
Starting point is 00:50:05 I mean, listen, that's like your earthquake. We have to define what that means. All right. Define it as being they are, people are arrested. Bigger or smaller than exactly a year ago. We're recording this on January 6th or two years ago. Happy January 6th. Was it two or two years ago. Happy January 6th.
Starting point is 00:50:28 Was it two or three years ago? Two years ago. Okay. Right. In 2022? Or was it 2021? Has to be 2021. Right?
Starting point is 00:50:49 God. Well, he was elected elected we do a news podcast but we're under the impression it's two years ago right well it happened after um biden got sworn in so it was it was january of 2021 because the election was 2020. So it was January of 2021. Okay. What do you say? Will there be violence? How do we define violence? Bigger or it has to be bigger than the Capitol.
Starting point is 00:51:15 Isn't that weird? I've been under the impression it's two years ago. It's the third anniversary. I'm going to say if he loses, there will be even more insurrection. I think there will be a number of capitals that are attacked. Larger? I'm going to say smaller. Okay. So we're both assuming there will be violence.
Starting point is 00:51:34 You're just saying it's smaller than the capitals. I think you're going to be able to point to... Listen, when the Eagles win or lose a football game, there's violence. Yeah, that's true. All right. Last year, we asked, will someone make a joke about Will Smith at the Oscars?
Starting point is 00:51:51 We both said yes, and yes, indeed, they did. Is Kimmel hosting this year? Yes. Will he make another joke about Will Smith? I say yes. I say yes, too. He's going to go to that well again. Last year, we said, will Brady get traded or retire? We both said traded. He in fact retired. So nobody gets a point there. I think the wrong guesses might be beating both of us.
Starting point is 00:52:20 That's right. I know. Will Tesla stock get higher? We both said no. It is up a whopping 46%. I wonder if my stockbroker is aware of that. I went back and looked this up. Just in January of last year, January 23, it went up 46.2%. Damn. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:52:44 Wait. What did you just say? It went up 46? Oh, Damn. No, no, no. Wait, what did you just say? It went up 46? Oh, I thought it was all of 2003. Tesla's up 102% for 2023. Oh my God. And we didn't invest in it. Jesus. All right, so I'm up three right now.
Starting point is 00:52:59 Will Twitter be higher the price? I said no. You said yes. The answer is it is no longer traded. I mean, I don't know what you want to do with that. I then added, to be generous to you, that the value is estimated that it's lost 71.5% since he took control.
Starting point is 00:53:21 Well, I don't know. That sounds like a point for me. I mean, I'll give you that. All right, all right so i'm plus the stock would be lower i think uh yeah unless there's real shenanigans i don't know what he would have done uh will we will we drive a self-driving car that just meant will either of us get behind the wheel and drive a self-driving car i I said, no. I said, yes. You said, no, I have not. Have you driven one? No, I have not been in a car alone that was driving. Okay. So you get a point for that. Or with people where they're, I think you define it as no one can be in the driver's seat. Right. Now we have how many live podcasts will we do? I was closer. We in fact did none.
Starting point is 00:54:05 You said two. I said one. No, you said one. I said two. So I'm only up two now. Will the Ukraine end? I said yes. You said no.
Starting point is 00:54:20 It in fact is going strong. So I'm now only up one. Holy shit. This is a huge. So I'm now only up one. Holy shit. There's a huge, it's a comeback from six. I was up six a second ago. Got it.
Starting point is 00:54:30 Punk. Uh, will guy from bills play again? Damar Hamlin. I said, no, you said yes. He is in fact playing for the bills right now.
Starting point is 00:54:41 It is even. Look at that. Next question. He played. I wonder if he's in the rotation now but he he played a game in october yeah it was just will he play again uh will there be significant this was following dana white beating up his wife in public will there be a significant punishment uh we both said no and we were both correct there was nothing except that he's labeled as a woman we knew that one um next question was will gubbins appear you said yes on the show i said no in fact he made an appearance uh it'll never be forgotten. I did it with him, proudly. You are now one up.
Starting point is 00:55:28 You got it. Will gas be over or under $5 in California? I said over. You said under. It is currently $4.69. You are up two. Come on now. Will Ghislaine Maxwell be killed in prison? I said yes.
Starting point is 00:55:48 You said no. She was not killed. You are up three. All right. We should pause for a second. Are we doing predictions anymore? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's right. Okay, let's go back.
Starting point is 00:56:03 Let's go back. we got to go back to pretty far uh forget will smith we got to kimmel jobs kimmel all right uh no higher up jobs oh. Will we get union jobs this year? God, there aren't many, but I, I have my fingers crossed for a pitch that I'm out with. But another one was a job I did have that got interrupted by, it was Brady then coming out of retirement. Oh, the roast. Hey, am I on the podcast, sweetie.
Starting point is 00:56:46 Yeah. So that job would be union. I think I'm going to have, even if it's a tiny one, my answer is yes. All right. I'm going to say yes as well because to not would be to jinx myself. Oh. And then the next one is Brady's done. Will Tesla stock be higher?
Starting point is 00:57:09 I say no. I say yes. Okay. Twitter's no longer traded. Will we drive a self-driving car? I say yes. I say no. You getting all this, Denman?
Starting point is 00:57:29 How many live podcasts will we do? I'm going to say one. Well, I could tank that by saying zero and then sticking on my guns. You know, I'm going to say one also. Okay. Okay. you know I'm going to say one also okay you thought the Ukraine war would be over by now
Starting point is 00:57:52 huh are you on a guess on Ukraine again is Ukraine even a thing in a year right I know I think they will settle this year and they will give away Crimea. And what's the other area that they're occupied right now? I don't think Ukraine will be settled, but we have to define that because I guess there's a way to define it.
Starting point is 00:58:23 Like, is it active? Will they make a treaty and a settlement of land? It just moves so slowly. I'm going to say, I think it's going to be close, but I'm going to say no. I'm going to say yes. And then you have Hamas down below. We'll get to that. Gas.
Starting point is 00:58:48 We were at gas. Will it be under or over $5 in a year? I'm going to say under. Me too. And I remember my rationale. It's the same. It's under. I said it's getting close to an election year.
Starting point is 00:59:03 And I think there's going to be a lot of pressure to get that down. All right, Gislaine, will she be alive in a year? By the way, where did you get the 469? I said, what's the average price of gas in California? It said 469 for regular unleaded. Okay, great. I'll remember that too. All right, perfect.
Starting point is 00:59:24 Gislaine will be alive uh i say she's gonna be dead whoa yep there's a lot of shit coming out and uh she's the only one that can corroborate it she's she's getting taken down man uh the question was will howard stern resign re-sign a contract with Sirius XM? We both said yes. He, in fact, reached a five-year deal to continue for $90 million a year. Will he be alive? Will Mike be engaged?
Starting point is 00:59:58 We both said no. Mike, anything happen in New Orleans? No, no, no. I'm not engaged. no ring on my finger okay will there be a space shuttle disaster I said yes you said no
Starting point is 01:00:14 was there any human death this year in a space shuttle no no okay next year I say yes what okay I go no again. Okay. And so you're now up four.
Starting point is 01:00:33 Yeah, this is easy. Okay. Will China invade Taiwan? You said no. I said yes. This is a landslide, man. Oh my God. You've gotten more negative. There's been a shift. You're more pessimistic
Starting point is 01:00:50 about the world than I am. I just lost 11 points straight. This is fucking crazy. No, we had some ties along the way. You're better than that. You're better than that, Pat. Will Prince Harry attend the King's coronation, if yes, with Meghan?
Starting point is 01:01:07 I said, yes, he would. And I said, without Meghan. And you said, yes, with Meghan. In fact, he attended without Meghan. That's a plus one for you. So that's plus four for you overall. Who will take over Trevanoa's hosting job? There is no answer to that.
Starting point is 01:01:27 By the way, did you read the explanation I put in here when I Googled? Markle did not attend as she claims that all the drama around the Royals would disturb her inner peace and state of mind as she has been very outspoken on different channels, including the Netflix docuseries. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:47 All right. I mean, that's one way of saying the shit stirrer will not go to the shit. Right. Like, oh my God. Dish it out. You got to take it. Will George Santos get the boot or resign from Congress? We both said no in fact
Starting point is 01:02:05 yes that was also pessimistic of us yeah but they kept i mean they had everything like what would it take i'm actually surprised he's out and i'm skipping how egregious it all is i'm skipping this last one because we both agreed so next next year i got a few new questions will palestinians return to gaza right now 90 of the palestinians have have uh fled gaza so will there be a net return to gaza within a year no way i say yes okay i mean i don't even know what's going to happen in that region will we will we will we cut aid to ukraine i think that's a very hard one to quantify. Yeah, that's true. Because almost technically we have just because of the delays.
Starting point is 01:03:10 Yeah. I think we already got our prediction on Ukraine. Okay. Who else will be on Epstein's list? Oh, okay. You get three picks. Oh.
Starting point is 01:03:27 I'm going to say bill maher huh rfk jr and rudy giuliani wait don't we know rumors about the last two there no i haven't heard any huh i actually googled giuliani and epstein and nothing came up surprisingly i'm gonna go michelle obama ruth bader ginsburg and uh let's think i'm gonna go with um well kid rock you could pick kid rock there's weird ones like i've already seen woody allen like in new york with him you know what i mean not on the island oh yeah the list is on the plane you have to be on the plane okay all right i need a little more time all right by the end of the podcast and i'm not gonna google i'm not'm not going to Google anything. I'm just thinking, who are some usual creeps? All right. Well, we're an hour into the podcast and we're just hitting the news. So let's rip through some stories so we don't bore people to tears. You got some paper to crinkle for the front page?
Starting point is 01:04:38 Oh man, do I, do I? Extra! Extra! We all have found it! Extra! it began on wednesday with nearly 1 000 pages filed as part of the 2015 lawsuit again against epstein's close friend jizz lane by one of his victims the disclosures included the former u.s president bill clinton the late pop star mich Jackson, the magician David Copperfield, and Prince Andrew. Now, when I read this, I imagine Michael Jackson was furious when he eagerly got off the plane and saw all the underage kids were female. And then he turns to Copperfield and begs David Copperfield to turn them all into boys. And won't let it go for three days and then gets his own jet out of there.
Starting point is 01:05:24 Right. And then, of course, Stephen Hawking was added to the list in which Epstein mentioned an allegation that Hawking participated in an underage orgy in the Virgin Islands. And my take on that is that I think Stephen Hawking has the best line with underage girls, which is, well, you're not really underage because what is time? Your particles exist in the time space continuum. Play with my balls.
Starting point is 01:06:02 Many feel you are older than I. play with my balls many feel you are older than i i by the way how do you prosecute a guy who can't move his arms and his legs i mean they clearly are doing the work i think they're guilty of molesting him it must have been lap dance palooza oh my god also have you seen the guy i mean i know we've all seen him, but his face, I think, got worse. Because I think they showed pictures from his last year or around this time. And yeah, there's a lot going on. I'm just going to say there's a lot. I know it's the wrong thing.
Starting point is 01:06:36 He's the smartest guy in the world, but there's a lot going on there. Yeah. Especially for these poor girls. Jesus. right so this uh chinese 17 year old said the absolute most insensitive thing ever but uh but there's also that let's be real i'll top it on this next one a 17 year old chinese exchange student who had been reported missing last week was rescued after nearly freezing to death in a tent outside of Salt Lake City. Authorities say Kai Zhuang was the victim of a cyber kidnapping. He was found alone and very cold and scared in a snowy canyon.
Starting point is 01:07:14 The victim had no heat source, only a heat blanket. Well, that's a heat source. What's he plugging the heat blanket into? Now, heat blanket's a weird term. I think it might be one of those reflective that keeps your heat in right who knows even if it's a heat blanket that's electric it's not working a sleeping bag limited food and water and uh and several phones that were used to carry out the cyber kidnapping the teen had run away from his home december 28th after cyber criminals
Starting point is 01:07:43 convinced him his family in China was being threatened. His family told police they had paid $80,000 in ransom after he sent a photo saying he was being held against his will. Police say they suspect the foreign exchange student was tricked into running away
Starting point is 01:07:58 to force his family to pay ransom. The FBI and Chinese embassy are helping find the kidnappers. We believe the victim was isolating himself at the direction of the cyber kidnappers in a tent.
Starting point is 01:08:10 So, I guess Portland is just overrun with people who kidnapped themselves? Yeah. They're all in there with their solar blankets. Yes.
Starting point is 01:08:20 Multiple phones. Paying $70,000 to some geek who lives in his parents basement somewhere in like spokane yeah i mean i've heard of chinese delivery but you now can order online a chinese person as your captive that's amazing wow yeah i mean so? Something tells me that when this guy was a kid, he jumped off a bridge because somebody told him to. Because some online comment told him to. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:08:55 Well, he almost had hypothermia. All his water was frozen and the sesame noodles were still cold. Oh, that's the best. That's awesome. The dog eating your homework is a story as old as time, but for a Pennsylvania couple, it came true and cost them thousands of dollars. Clayton and Carrie Law had taken cash out
Starting point is 01:09:18 to do a home improvement project, left the money on the countertop, and their dog Cecil snacked on it. I just walked around the house doing stuff and came back and all of a sudden Cecil was standing over a pile of mutilated cash. The dog seemed fine at first till the middle of the night when the laws were awoken by a sound of the pet about to vomit. So he jumped out of bed. And when I went to pick it up, I realized there's a lot of half eaten $100 bills and $50 bills. That night was the first of many in the coming days where the laws had the unfortunate task of sifting through their dog's bodily waste. Nice.
Starting point is 01:09:59 They put some pieces back together. How's that a home improvement project coming? The only contract, the only contract who will accept the money that smells like shit is the plumber. Everybody else is like, nah, I'm good. I got another project across town.
Starting point is 01:10:14 You can keep your shit money. Here was my honest reaction. I, the honest reaction I thought about this when I read the story, I was like, first thing I do is Google what happens to dollar bills. There's some sort of linen. I don't know what they're made out of, but whatever that material is that they now make dollars out of.
Starting point is 01:10:35 Then I had asked myself, why am I Googling what would happen to it? Because what if it says the stomach acid will absolutely dissolve them i think the next thing i do is how old is our dog because i am totally thinking about cutting it open yes well truly i mean are you talking about bringing it to a vet for surgery or are you talking about laying him in the backyard and splaying him like a cod? No, I had the kitchen in mind, but yes, that. Caligula. Maybe the garage.
Starting point is 01:11:15 I think the garage, maybe hopefully in a laundry sink. Now, better solution. Go to the dog store and be like, you guys sell food, like Indian food, like Indian dog food, and have them shit it out over the next 20 minutes. Now I got my curry dollar bills back. Oh. All right, let's skip this next one.
Starting point is 01:11:39 Okay. And go to the lovely ladies at Linden Pond Senior Living Community in community in hangham that's in massachusetts oh no are turning heads with an eye-opening new calendar a group of women aged 69 to 92 are not afraid to get risque and pose scantily to raise money for their fund i was at a bar on sunday morning and you know, I was a Playboy bunny, Miss December. Judy Haas told WBZ-TV. I had it done twice because the first time the book wasn't high enough, I guess, to cover her tits.
Starting point is 01:12:13 Did not need to be very high. That book could have been in her lap without seeing her tits. She could have been standing on it. This is all in secret. I don't have a husband, so it's not a problem. I had to make my own prop. I had a quilt, Miss March, Sandy Creaser, a lot of creases. I personally, I bought one of these.
Starting point is 01:12:37 It's part of my New Year's resolution to lose weight through vomiting once a month. Well, this is one community center that a lot of these names on the flight log will never have been to. I think it's the exact opposite of their taste in age. I wonder if they put them
Starting point is 01:12:58 in age order for the months. Like Miss January is like doing some nude yoga. Miss December is naked in a wheelchair clinging to rosary beads and a bottle of Ensure. Yeah, of course it's themed. Oh, it better be. Yeah. Better be some thought behind this.
Starting point is 01:13:16 All right. Let's skip this next one and go to entertainment. Give me a crinkle. Here it is. Give me a crinkle. Here it is. We got an email. Oh, I didn't write down who sent it.
Starting point is 01:13:37 But the last waltz, so great. There was a rift between Levon and Robbie, and some say that Robbie takes credit where it should have been given to Levon. That explains why the music sounds so American. That's leave on. Because I had said, I claimed that they were an American band, and I forgot that most of them were from Canada. Mike has asked for new music recommendations.
Starting point is 01:13:56 There's a guy named Tash Neal. He's awesome. Guitar player with an incredible voice. I checked him out. Fantastic. Oh, by the way, it's's worth mentioning which i did to you like so the bluegrass thing i'm watching billy strings who is exactly like this guy describes a guitar player with an incredible voice and you know it's this arena i don't know how many people are in there probably 15 000 or 12 13 000 everyone's just
Starting point is 01:14:22 rocking the band's killing it and then you slowly realize there's no drum kit because bluegrass doesn't have drums. Amazing. And it was a standup bass. And that guy's doing all that low end heavy lifting. And, uh, it was incredible. I, I did want to mention that, that that's a unique part of a bluegrass, that there's no uh drum kit wow it's like the beatles it's pretty wild so when you hear him and you hear his live and you hear his covers of pink floyd and all this amazing stuff yeah nothing uh so we both saw chapelle's new special uh i watched it it was late and i was tired but i watched it with sophie and i guess i i'm hesitating but i i
Starting point is 01:15:09 thought it was okay i loved it i felt very i listened to it on new year's day driving from milwaukee down to chicago and uh i was driving with the with the other comedian deon curry yeah and i don't know we fucking laughed a lot. And I felt like, and then I watched, I didn't listen to the whole thing. So the last 20 minutes I watched and I just think he's like
Starting point is 01:15:35 one of the great orators in American history. Like even when he's not being funny, I'm completely compelled by everything he's saying. And this was, was this the Russian story? The guy at the,
Starting point is 01:15:49 what was his last story? Was that? Cause then we watched, I think another Chappelle thing. Was it, was it his first taped special and music? Right, right,
Starting point is 01:15:58 right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. It's an amazing story. So here, okay.
Starting point is 01:16:00 There's two things I want to contextualize my review. I saw him in Nashville, as you know. So I already saw this set. So that's one. Two, I think listening to it would have been better because he was doing, you know when he cracks himself up. And he has to slap the mic into his thigh. He slaps the mic into his thigh. You get a little sick of seeing that.
Starting point is 01:16:27 And I think some of them you wouldn't have known he did it if you're just listening. By the way, every black comedian in the country now slaps their thigh with the microphone. And he used to do what I thought was a perfect amount. When he knew he just said something cancelable kind of or outrageous and there's another level of what he's laughing at not only is it funny but it's sort of crazy that he said it yeah uh this was like there aren't that many crazy things that you're saying like in other words so it you know it reminds me it a very, very big difference watching it versus hearing it. Like I told you, I went back and listened to Norm's final one where you no longer saw him sitting at a desk, not making eye contact with a laptop computer. And you're like, this is a really solid
Starting point is 01:17:17 hour, you know, where that's with no audience. Yeah. Right. So, well, I liked it. And, um, I, I agree that, uh, he can get that shit can get tired. The, the turning around and walking away on the laugh and all that stuff. But I don't know. I, I was all in and, uh, I thought it was great. Um, but if, but if you're just listening, sometimes he's dropped a bomb and, and you hear it going off and you don't know he's walked away you know what i mean when you're listening right you're imagining him staring down the audience or like smiling at him and that's that's much better yeah so speaking of comedians it's good everyone should see it don't get me wrong speaking of comedians jimmy kimmel and aaron rogers are beefing uh the late night talk show host is now
Starting point is 01:18:06 threatening the new york jets quarterback with legal action after aaron suggested on live tv that jimmy might be one of epstein's associates all right that's my first name that i'm adding back to what i owe you i owe you jimmy kimmel flight for what remember i owe you names for the flight log from before? Oh, shit. There you go. Jimmy just fired back on social media, ripping Aaron, who he addresses as dear asshole, saying the quarterback's reckless words put my family in danger.
Starting point is 01:18:36 He denied anything to do with Epstein, and he blasted Rodgers as a soft-brained wacko who can't seem to distinguish from reality. Jimmy Kimmel says if Rodgers keeps it up, they will debate the facts further in courts. Damn. First, Aaron Rodgers gets traded to the worst team in football, then blows out his leg, and now he gets bitch slapped by Kimmel. He should see if there's a vaccination for humiliation.
Starting point is 01:19:08 Um, did you put down what he said here? Uh, he said, no, he, I think Kimmel would lose in court. I don't think he would ever do it either.
Starting point is 01:19:21 No, he basically said that Jimmy Kimmel is nervous waiting to see what names come out on the Epstein thing. Yeah. Right. So that's bulletproof. But I also I'm smelling is this like a made up beef?
Starting point is 01:19:39 Is Kimmel doing, because it's pretty well orchestrated. They have to stick to their guns. No, I think that Kimmel, I think Kimmel is uh a whipping boy is that what they call it when somebody's attacked by a group uh the right can't stand him because he is so vocal against the right right now so i think aaron rogers was taking a shot at him um like you said i think what he said is probably not indictable in court no i also think i mean a Aaron Rodgers maybe also was joking, you know, like if they have like a little beef, he's like, well, you know, someone who should be worried is Jimmy Kimmel.
Starting point is 01:20:11 Yeah. It's like a little swipe back at him because Jimmy Kimmel was hitting Rodgers pretty hard. I think Jimmy was, Jimmy obviously was the first to attack. I mean, that's Jimmy's job. It's not Aaron Rodgers' job to single out Jimmy Kimmel. Right. Aaron Rodgers doesn't do the news. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, Aaron Rodgers is a wacko, but I also, I'm doubting, I don't know, something doesn't smell right about this.
Starting point is 01:20:42 Oh, here's the quote. There's a lot of people, including Jimmy Kimmel, really hoping that doesn't come out, Rogers said to McAfee. I'll tell you what, if that list comes out, I definitely will be popping some sort of bottle, which he said on the Pat McAfee show. But Rogers could also say Jimmy is a hardcore lefty and he doesn't want to see Clinton's name on the list, you know? Yeah, right. All right. There are people I hate seeing on the list you know yeah right all right there are people i hate seeing on the list you know uh not clinton but like whatever there's there's there's people who are who were affiliated with epstein that you're like fuck dude really yeah i know uh well uh who is the um wasn't warren
Starting point is 01:21:21 buffett on the list i don't know but it's so no not buffett you and i are like wait a minute bill gates i think bill gates was on the list oh bill gates i think so yeah bill gates is on the list yeah um but it's so funny you and i are like about warren baby we're like oh man is the biggest pussy hound ever on the list? Yeah. No way. All right. I'll tell you who else was on that list is Russell Simmons. His name will come out. I guarantee it. I know firsthand he was on the island, allegedly.
Starting point is 01:21:57 Allegedly. The only name I want on the list is Russell Brand. Yeah. I'd like to see that. Right. I don't know that Russell Simmons is on the list. know i just want to see him over explain it i've heard rumors that russell simmons was on the islands russell simmons is yeah he's in he's in court yeah he's already in court for some other shit but not epstein maybe settled oh what about diddy oh'm going to put Diddy on the list. Oh, that's pretty good. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:22:26 What about Jay-Z? Yep. I can see that. Well, yeah, this is how you should think about it. Who are the millionaire musicians, athletes, all that? That's how you should go. I think Kid Rock. I'm going to put kid rock on there
Starting point is 01:22:45 yeah he's so low class i mean these are fucking creeps don't get me wrong but they a lot of them wear suits after months of edging montana and north carolina lawmakers have finished off porn hub users in those states lose lost access to the adult site on January 1st, as the new law requires people to verify their age to watch porn. That would have meant uploading a picture. Does that mean you can't be over the age of 40? You have to upload, upload your ID before you watch sorority sisters,
Starting point is 01:23:20 figure out how to pay a pizza delivery boy. So wholesome so montana's new law says that says that pornography is creating a public health crisis i don't know about a crisis but i think it is hampering both our abilities to write a spec script that's a crisis dude we just want a year as we pointed out. We just want a year, as we pointed out earlier, we just want a year without union work. If we took porn off our computers, we would be like fucking Rodgers and Hammerstein.
Starting point is 01:23:55 I wonder, and you know, whatever, I shouldn't even talk, but I'm wondering, you know, a lot of women have, I'm stating the obvious here, but there's a million reasons to be highly critical of the porn industry. I would say now, I don't, I don't even know, I guess it's an industry, but so much of what's on there are is homemade couples who are like, uh, we're, uh, yeah, we, we're, we need to find money wherever we can. And, um, we need to find money wherever we can. And we are married and we have a healthy sex life
Starting point is 01:24:28 and we are going to put it behind a paywall. And if you guys want to watch, you can. Yes. That's a very different world. Well, I think what you're talking about is, what's that site called? We're OnlyFans. You're talking about like an OnlyFans situation.
Starting point is 01:24:45 I know, but they're all on these sites now. They have like, it's almost like free samples. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. To get you, like look what you're missing. The ID thing is scary. I would give them my ID, but I am not peeling the electrical tape off of the camera on my computer.
Starting point is 01:25:04 I've seen black mirror oh god that episode if it's the one you're talking about that's when i checked out a black mirror for about two years yeah that was brutal i feel terrible after i mean they're great it's one of the best shows on tv but i feel not great after I watch almost every one. And that one was a new low. Yeah. That hit hard. That was brutal. It has dance in the title. And it is not a happy dance. All right. Let's get a happy crinkle because it's time to go to Florida. Let's do it. let's do it alright here we go
Starting point is 01:25:48 Florida oh man Dickie our friend Dickie Egan wrote us send us this one exploding toilet at Dunkin Donuts in Florida left customer filthy and injured a customer has filed a negligence
Starting point is 01:26:04 lawsuit against Duncan claiming he was injured by an exploding toilet at one of the coffee chain's locations in central Florida. So for me, I read the headline. It's like exploding toilet at Duncan left customer filthy
Starting point is 01:26:20 and injured. And then the detail that it was in, so you're like, whoa. And then Florida, you're like, ugh. Somehow it got worse. Yeah, because now there's Giardia in there because of the bad water. Paul Kerouac is seeking more than $100,000 in a lawsuit
Starting point is 01:26:36 filed Wednesday in state court in Orlando claiming he suffered severe and long term injuries following the explosion of a toilet. After the explosion left kerouac covered in human feces urine and debris he walked out of the men's room seeking help from workers i think the workers have a better lawsuit yeah like stay in the bathroom if that happens and like yell through the door um he wanted help from the workers in the store's
Starting point is 01:27:05 manager an employee told him that they were aware of the problem with the toilet wrong move since there had been previous incidents um after the explosion kerouac uh after the explosion left kerouac and human feces and debris uh he walked out of the men's room uh oh oh sorry this is one of dickie's jokes then you paste the dickie's jokes in here yes after the explosion left carowack covered in human feces urine and debris he walked out of the men's room so what isn't that how every person leaves a dunkin bathroom right right everybody walks out looking like a chocolate covered donut after the explosion left carowack covered in human feces, urine and debris, he walked out of the men's room and ambulance had to be called to revive
Starting point is 01:27:48 customers who passed out from laughing at him. They've officially changed their slogan to America runs screaming from Duncan. That's unbelievable. A Duncan bathroom explodes in Florida and it's not a meth lab. What are the chances? Yeah. Uh, I was just, uh, Oh, a couple more. bathroom explodes in florida and it's not a meth lab what are the chances yeah uh oh is this uh oh come on i mean that's on the customer if you're going to a place that sells a 32 ounce
Starting point is 01:28:13 toasted white chocolate latte covered in whipped cream and chocolate sauce you got to expect exploding toilets and finally these are all dicky the bathroom was such a mess they legally had to stay open as a starbucks that's so funny i was about to sing the same fucking song um i did i ever tell you the story about driving through iowa late at night after a college show and i hadn't eaten all fucking day or night. I did a show. I had a noontime show the next day about four hours away. So I finished my show at one school. I get on the road at like 10 o'clock at night, have not eaten.
Starting point is 01:28:57 Now it's 11 o'clock at night. I'm on a fucking highway in the middle of nowhere in Iowa that has nothing and I'm dying. And all of a sudden, like a beacon of hope up in the distance, there's a Taco Bell sign. So I pull in. You ran for the border. I go inside and there's a security guard because I think there's a lot of meth in Iowa. So they have a security guard at a at a taco bell that has nobody in it and so as i walk in security guard goes into the bathroom and uh and i order uh whatever whatever you order taco bell and then uh five or ten minutes later i have to i have to piss really bad. Out of your butt. Door opens, security guard comes out.
Starting point is 01:29:46 He weighs about 340 pounds. I go in and the bathroom is very much like what this Dunkin' Donuts bathroom would look like. And the smell was, all I realized was this security guard eats three meals a day at Taco Bell. And then he shits it out in that bathroom. I was so disgusted. I left the food on the counter.
Starting point is 01:30:05 I got back in my car and I started driving. I couldn't eat. I was dating someone along the way who was like, hold my drink. I'm going to the bathroom. Like, well, I'm going to the bathroom too. Like, can you just hold it? She's like, whoa, if you're holding the drinks, you can't go in the bathroom. Then fine.
Starting point is 01:30:23 You go. I'll hold them first. I'm like, what are you, what's going on here? Am I with a germaphobe? And then sure enough, during COVID, we all learned that fecal matter is everywhere in the air in a bathroom when the toilet flushes. When it flushes. Right, right.
Starting point is 01:30:38 And I thought this was the most paranoid person I had ever met in my life. And especially when it's one of those violent flushes, like you hit the knob and it just is like, it's a jet engine. Yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, really the compost is the way to go. My father-in-law used to have a compost toilet and it just dropped in and it was no, there was no water involved. So he just went in the middle of the kitchen and a little barrel right with a lid on it wow all right all right let's make uh let's make alabama florida yeah you know so i'm thinking we should have talked about this up top but i've changed my comic out i don't know if you've seen that yet i
Starting point is 01:31:18 think i'm done with the far side they're really but i'm wondering if we switch some things up and also australia we've been Australia, we've done well, but sometimes it takes me a long time to find an Australia story that's not too dark and made news because it's the worst thing ever. Well, why don't we rotate the location of the second Make Something Florida? All right, we could do that. Yeah, I was going to say we could hit alabama alabama's gonna have no shortage of these florida type stories right well it's up to you that's
Starting point is 01:31:50 your that's your um my department your department so whatever you want to do but yeah let's switch up the comics i don't want to switch lockhorns because lockhorns is fucking gold i i put the first thing i thought of and we'll we'll talk about in a minute but all right let me let's do this here we go okay man strips naked oh oh uh i think dickie sent us the story man strips naked jumps into bass pro shops aquarium and knocks himself unconscious the 42 year old man was reported to be acting erratically and drove a vehicle into a pole in the store parking lot after the crash he got out of his vehicle took off his clothes ran into the bass pro shop and jumped into the aquarium video taken by bystanders showed the man do a cannonball
Starting point is 01:32:36 into the aquarium and later stand under the waterfall he continued to shout something to officers before he climbed over the side of the aquarium and dropped to the concrete floor below, appearing to have been knocked out by the fall. Officers handcuffed the man, this is the best part, who then woke up and began trying to struggle. He was not done, not done or phased by that at all. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:33:02 Unfortunately for the man, the aquarium was stocked with small mouth bass well i wonder if he had tried to stay in if they would just if they just started you know fishing them out just putting in like uh i think i think beer i think the guy would have bit down on a beer can. Or at least gaff him. Just stick him with that pole and pull him out. I'm surprised anyone in an Alabama Bass pro shop noticed a crazy naked man doing a cannonball in the tank. I would assume that happened three times a month.
Starting point is 01:33:41 Right. And it's also like, again, you go to work on Monday and you're at the water cooler. What'd you do this weekend? Oh, I saw Maestro and me and the wife took a walk. What'd you do? Cannonballed into a fucking aquarium at the Bass Pro Shop?
Starting point is 01:33:58 Exactly. Is the guy's name here? I want to be that guy. No, just 42 year old. Yeah. It's like, what'd you do, Stan? I went to the Bass Pro Shop and you got me. I did more than that. Alright, let's hit, should we do sports? A little
Starting point is 01:34:15 bit. You ready? Quick. Yeah. We're just going to talk about the game. It's tomorrow. Yeah, it's tomorrow night, Monday night. And all right, here's what troubles me. I'm rooting for Michigan, although I like Washington. Michigan is favored by four and a half, at least as of Saturday morning. Washington keeps getting the underdog status in these,
Starting point is 01:34:51 and they constantly are proving it wrong. So you're going to bet against your daughter's school? No, I mean, I'm not going to bet, but I can't believe that they're being disrespected again like that, and I think it motivates them. Yep. Washington we're talking about. Yeah, I mean And I think it motivates them. Yep. Washington we're talking about. Yeah. I mean,
Starting point is 01:35:08 I think it'll be great. I'm not a college sports guy at all, but this, but this Michigan team is pretty exciting to watch this year. So, uh, well, we'll go to,
Starting point is 01:35:15 we'll go to Penmar and watch the game. If anybody's in LA and they want to meet us at Penmar to watch the game on, on Monday night, we'll be there or during the day. Right. Yeah. It's four 30, which I'm going to be, we'll see. I, I'm, uh, leaving the gig there. Or during the day, right? Yeah, it's 4.30, which I'm going to be.
Starting point is 01:35:25 We'll see. I'm leaving the gig on Monday, but hopefully be there on time. Okay. But yeah, we'll get a bunch of, we should maybe reserve one of their big tables there. Oh, that's a good idea. Okay. All right, where are we going? This day in history?
Starting point is 01:35:41 Let's do this day in history. this day in history let's do this day in history january 7th 2015 in paris an attack took place against the satirical weekly newspaper charlie hebdo two masked men dressed in black entered the magazine's offices and fired assault rifles, claiming the lives of 12 people and wounding 11. So this was, they were captured two days later. There was a shootout with police. Hebdo was founded in 69, suspended in 1981 due to lack of readers, and then relaunched in 92. Through humor, the magazine exhibited its criticism of the extreme right,
Starting point is 01:36:27 Catholicism, Judaism, and islam among others an attack prior to the one in january occurred in november 2011 following the publication of a caricature of the prophet muhammad on the cover that's what we need if you guys want to help us get some traction on this podcast how about some muhammad logos me mike and muhammad i that's greg asking for that and everyone knows where he's going to be monday watching the michigan game yep uh yeah man i don't you know there's so much to say about that. Part of it is just religion in general and also just fanatics in general having nothing to do with religion,
Starting point is 01:37:11 but also religion. You know what's weird is that it's crazy. One of the commandments is that you should not have false idols, which actually also means there's supposed to be no depiction of God. It's in most religions because it i don't know why but that's one of the rules and then you get every fucking christian in the world
Starting point is 01:37:34 has got a cross hanging around their neck it's it's like sacrilege i know well no false prophets right yeah something like that. Idolatry? I don't know. Yeah. You're not supposed to depict God. I know that. Yeah. All right, listen.
Starting point is 01:37:50 Let's cheer up a little bit. If your God's powerful, take it easy. Take it-ish. I mean, if your God's powerful, a couple of cartoonists who can't even stay open in the 80s, I think you can take it-ish. All right, let's move on. in the 80s, I think you can take it Ish. Alright, let's move on. Oh, by the way,
Starting point is 01:38:06 I forgot to tell you that some voodoo guy put an owl curse on somebody on one of our friends. Sorry? I don't understand any of that sentence. Somebody put an owl, A-O-W-L
Starting point is 01:38:22 curse on one of our friends. So they're going to die on a staircase? Married to a gay man? You're supposed to say who. Oh. And then I say, oh, it must be one of our listeners wrote that joke. Who? Oh, must be you.
Starting point is 01:38:38 That's the joke. Yeah. I think someone put a joke curse on you. Let's do... Let's do obituaries. Yeah. All right. I think someone put a joke curse on you. Let's do... Let's do obituaries. Yeah. And that's all, folks. Let's cheer up from that.
Starting point is 01:38:56 Well, this is cheerful because it's a memory of a guy that brought laughs and joy to people for many years, Shecky Green, one of my heroes. As a friar, Shecky Green was a guy that I would see on the roasts, and he was amazing. He was a guy who did a residency in Vegas for like 40 years, died on New Year's Eve.
Starting point is 01:39:19 He was one of these guys like fucking fought the Navy in World War II, and then he started out at a resort and did stand up with Sammy Shore, who's the guy that created the comedy store. That's his club. And they worked in all the nightclubs in Chicago, New Orleans, Miami.
Starting point is 01:39:39 And then in 54, he did his first gigs in Vegas. He ended up opening for Sinatra for a lot of years um he used to guest host for carson on the tonight show and merv griffin uh hollywood squares did a bunch of movies he was in history of the world um anyway he he just was a powerhouse the kind of guy he just made up a set walked on stage and just riffed and fucked with people was in the moment
Starting point is 01:40:11 did a different show every night he was incredible how old was he? 99 I think geez yeah um yeah no legend for sure
Starting point is 01:40:23 yeah everybody dies at 99. Isn't that weird? We wish. We wish. Funnies. Let's cheer up. Here we go.
Starting point is 01:40:37 Okay, so we got a note from Jane S. who said, Last week's Christmas Eve Sunday papers Farside featured a caveman named Thag. Did you know that the four spike formation at the end of a stegosaurus tail is named a Thagomizer in honor of Larson's character Thag,
Starting point is 01:40:56 initially as a punchline by Larson, but then later adopted by multiple paleontological authorities like Smithsonian Institute and science writers. Isn't that cool? I remember that it was like a slideshow that the cavemen were showing, and they talked about the spikes on the tail of the dinosaur, and the guy's pointing out,
Starting point is 01:41:19 we call that a thag killer or something like that. Yeah. From now on, that's the fag killer or something. Fag stopper. And that was it. Hey, I heard an interesting thing since we're going short this week now. That there was no such thing. The Aztecs, just like this, that very late in the game, that scientists just decide to use a new word or
Starting point is 01:41:45 whatever. They were never Aztecs or knew of themselves as Aztecs or anything like that. They were a word that was very similar to Mexicans, which was like Mexicans or whatever. And it got confusing and, oh, it was Mexica.
Starting point is 01:42:02 And so it got confusing because it would then be mexicans yeah and anyway long story short since they were originally from this azteca or whatever the city was or the region they just decided oh we're just going to call that group of people which is a giant group in history aztecs no shit yeah I thought that was interesting. Not interesting enough to bring up, but I thought it was interesting. Didn't they also do that to... I mean, what's the Orient, exactly? Yeah.
Starting point is 01:42:38 What do you mean? I don't know. Let's move on. So, speaking of old days... The Far East? Hager the Horrible is sitting at a table. Helga goes west. Our neighbor is is walking over here with a cup and he goes, I wonder what she ran out of this time. And then she puts out the cup and says, may may I borrow a cup of coins? And Hager is just looking at her going like.
Starting point is 01:43:01 Do you know what happens to women when they come over alone to this house? I'll tell you what's going on in that cup. My Viking cock, my balls. He's also stumped. He's like, what a way to take money. Should I try that approach? That's interesting. Right.
Starting point is 01:43:19 All right. I think we're done with Hager for a while. That was the last one. It was awful. And now Leroy is laying in a hospital bed. The doctor has got a clipboard. Loretta looks upset. And then Leroy goes,
Starting point is 01:43:33 and then Loretta said, would it hurt you to try the chicken? The next one, they're sitting in the marriage counselor and Loretta says, it used to be just during the games on TV. Now Leroy shushes me during the commercials. Leroy should be smiling when that's being said. I just relate to that because I am a shusher. We was, we had nine fucking people staying in our house for two weeks at Christmas. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:44:08 And we would sit on the couch and watch TV and Aaron's brother and sister-in-law are narrators. They are voiceover people during movies. And it makes me fucking crazy because my escape in life, I don't drink. I escape into movies and TV. I go away.
Starting point is 01:44:30 I'm so invested in it. And when somebody talks, it destroys all the tension that was built up from what I was watching. Right. And I shush people and people think it's rude
Starting point is 01:44:42 that I shush them. I think it's rude that they're talking. They make you shush them and people think it's rude that I shushed them. I think it's rude that they're talking. They make you shush them. Yeah. Right. Oh, look who you put in there. I know.
Starting point is 01:44:53 Wow. It's Kathy. So I looked, I looked up, I just put in like famous comics, right? Famous Sunday comics or whatever. So one of them was Kathy and I look and so this is, and then I read a little bit about it. I'm not saying I'm staying with Kathy, but it's in this week and it was,
Starting point is 01:45:13 I think her name was Kathy, an advertising executive. She might've been in the Midwest and I think she was 26 and then she started writing her first comics and it's about a frustrated woman, although it looks like a girl, but a frustrated woman who's frustrated that her personal life's not far enough along and all those frustrations that come with it. And she's got an overbearing mother, and she struggles with weight. So you know, you see, I don't know a lot of this.
Starting point is 01:45:43 Oh, my God, yeah. She has a whole string of guys that she dates, and know, you see, I don't know a lot of this. I did read... Oh my God, yeah. She has a whole string of guys that she dates and it never works out and they're always lazy and they won't do tasks around the house and she's very like,
Starting point is 01:45:52 she's a mama's girl. She's sitting in bed. There's a bowl with a spoon. It can either be cereal, probably ice cream to her right. On the other nightstand is a box of chocolates
Starting point is 01:46:02 and she's sitting in bed with wrappers all around her and she's looking, I don't know, kind of like she feels fat. I mean, that's the look on her. And the caption just says, wake me up when I'm a size five. And I just thought, this is refreshingly depressing. Yeah. And I'm going to check out more Caff's and see if we put them in here. But I can also look for other comics.
Starting point is 01:46:29 Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm obsessed with Cathy. It is the worst depiction of women by a woman I've ever seen in my life. Okay, right. Everything is fat shaming and I'm a loser and women need men to define them and make them feel whole. I am not. And I am not in any way saying five is a big size. It's not.
Starting point is 01:46:51 It's petite. But if you're dreaming, I don't know, make it a three, make it a four. Dream three. Yeah. Because really, Kathy's a 10. I've always said that. Kathy's a 10. Right.
Starting point is 01:47:03 Exactly. She doesn't need to do anything, change anything. But if you're dreaming, I mean, dreams smaller than 5, right? Yeah. So shitbag's laying in bed. He's snoring away in his donut pajamas. And then
Starting point is 01:47:17 his alarm goes off. Blondie walks in and she's wearing a raspberry tight mini dress. She goes, wake up, dear. It's time to party. And he's like, OK, that nap really recharged me. So he goes, I don't know why people have to get so dressed up for New Year's Eve. And he puts on a tuxedo and she goes, well, you'll be the hottest hunk in the room, guaranteed.
Starting point is 01:47:42 And so they walked. And I got to tell you, her tits are popping out of this dress as she walks down the stairs the definition on her calves as her little toes go into those wedges and she goes if we hurry we can make it on time and he's like i'm ready and now the final frame is they're sitting on the couch alone in a gown and a tuxedo and there's a countdown on the tv three two one happy 2024 and she goes admit it you want you you wouldn't have wanted to miss this he goes maybe but next year let's record it and sleep in can you give her one fucking moment a year can you yeah can you not be in bed in donut pajamas on the one night you're expected to actually show up and be charming and share some joy and sell celebrate
Starting point is 01:48:34 the fact that you are hitting so far out of your league right now you are so fucking like, I would be spit shining her shoes and massaging her back at 9.30. And for two and a half hours, I would give her my rapt attention until a kiss is bestowed upon me at midnight. Followed by throwing a move in the bed. Throwing a move on her. Yeah. The last frame could be admit it you this was literally what she says admit it you wouldn't have wanted to miss this this could be her could be that cleavage spilling out of her dress yeah look at his reaction yeah
Starting point is 01:49:17 he does want he can't miss that he won't admit it he is the worst i fucking hate him god but i'll tell you who i love i love game time and i want you guys if you're gonna go see live music you're gonna see sports you're gonna see comedy theater you're gonna go to game time app and you're gonna put in code papers and you're gonna get yourself a little $20 off. Also, BetterHelp is a great way to start the new year. Visit BetterHelp.com, put in slash Sunday and get your – put in help, BetterHelp.com slash Sunday and get yourself 10% off your first month. Our thanks to Midcoast Media for launching a new year with your quality editing and producing. Thank you. Koozies are on the way as of early next week.
Starting point is 01:50:14 And we have a bunch more. So if anyone, is it still on your website where they can order it? It's still on FitzDawg.com. Not too late to get your koozies for the new year. Go on there and they'll go out right away. They're sitting in Mike's apartment. His daughter is home till the end of January, I just found out. So we got all hands on deck.
Starting point is 01:50:32 She's going abroad. I think I did my dumb joke, but she's going abroad. She's studying spring semester in Amsterdam. And to make it authentic, I'm having a family hide her in their attic just so she really experiences Amsterdam. Yeah, she's going to write a lot.
Starting point is 01:50:49 She said she's going to keep a diary. In a roomy, roomy place. That's right. Food delivered every day. Yep. All right. Well, that's it. We'll check on our predictions.
Starting point is 01:51:02 You won the predictions this year. Congratulations. I think you were up like three at the end and I think I'm locked for next year I just have to get you a couple of people who are on the flight log oh right I gotta think of more rich
Starting point is 01:51:16 creeps kind of like his lawyer has already been rumored to go right that jackass from Harvard who's that the red haired guy with the mustache i forget his name oh right right right yeah uh he's a total dick yeah um all right well listen i'll see you uh see you at the game on monday you got it and i'll see you next week. Take it easy. Take it easy. It's in the papers, read all about it It's in the papers, read all about it It's in the papers It's in the papers
Starting point is 01:52:47 It's in the papers Thank you.

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