Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 240 11/17/24

Episode Date: November 17, 2024

Tyson shadowboxes for $10M, A Boston brothel is about to release its client list (after releasing its clients), and a man dies in a tanning bed. Also, The Onion buys InfoWars.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Thanks to Heil Sound for the new microphones https://heilsound.comEmail caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

The world is burning in every possible way. And the Sunday Papers podcast, it's only fuel for the flames. Good try. Three, two, one. Read all about it. Read all about it. How many are from? Oh Jesus, that's a lot. What fucking city am I in? I am in Tacoma Washington which is Tacoma baby. Tacoma's been in a song hasn't it? Hello listeners. Is it Tacoma lineman? What was the little Wichita lineman? No no no like Tacoma's in one of those that lists a lot of

cities. Tacoma. All right don't be the guy who's on his phone during the podcast so he doesn't hear what his partner is saying this week. Listen. All right. I found it. But we'll blue Tacoma. But listen, I did want to say something. I'm not going to be the guy on my phone who doesn't listen this week. OK, good. I don't even know what city I'm in anymore.

I'm on the road literally every week for the next four months. Every weekend. Tacoma you know what it is it's lyrical sounding it's very it's a good it has it's good good work. That's all I got. All right. It was it was in take it easy all the way to Tacoma Philadelphia Atlanta LA that's not take it easy yeah it is is it northern all the way to all the way. Yeah. Yeah, nice. All right. Let's get to it. Last night was the take it easy. All right, go to this. You take it easy. Isn't that sounds like the guy from Detroit. Bob Seeger?

Steve Miller band. Rock, rockin' me. I mean... Take it easy. I think he's all Arizona based, I think. We are exactly 2 minutes and 21 seconds into the podcast. On the first correction. And look at your confidence with it. Can we talk about your new job?

Yeah, I think so. All right, let's talk about it. It's not big, I don't want to talk about it. It's not big, but we're, with Jeff Ross, we're roasting the year. It's going to be on Netflix. It's going to be an hour or less. You know, it's not, the bar is much lower. It's not a Brady roast. And Jeff and a bunch of comics, I think, are gonna, are gonna, yeah, roast, roast a year. And it might be called what

in effing year. Something like that. Okay okay let's try not to curse for the algorithm today so the hope is that this will become something that's done yearly I could do that huh okay I got another three years in me I think I love it and you get to work from home so you're writing from your own home how is that is it tough between bouts of masturbation to actually have to write a little bit? Bout is a perfect word for it. I feel pretty beat up, especially on the inside. I, well, we're going into an office and it's all, it's the reason I got a scooter is it's all the way near Netflix, which is sunset near the 101. It's like East Hollywood, if you will. And it is, there is no

easy way to get there. Do you get on the highway? I do if there's traffic. You know, I don't, I do not get on the 10 when there's no trip and everyone's going 80. Do you split lanes? Yes. But I don't go more than like 30 miles an hour when I do that. I take it down to USC sometimes It's funny. I did Kilburn's podcast and he was fascinated with this because I met him at rayos We talked all about you and your dad and we met him at rayos rayos was so great in Hollywood by the way the I Pull up on my scooter because otherwise it's 90 minutes to get to Hollywood for dinner. So I pull up on my scooter and I see a really big dude getting out of a very like old like

a Cadillac or some coupe DeVille type and some coupe and I'm like oh man that's and he looks Italian I'm like like, that's pretty authentic. And he goes in. So I meet Kilbourne at the bar, and we have a booth in the bar. And it's the most New York scene. Like they're playing the American Standard, Sinatra, everything, and it's great.

And he goes, hey, do you see Johnny Roast Beef? And I look, and of course, with that name, I'm like, you mean him? who else could it be and it was the big guy. He's the guy from Goodfellas that I think bought a Cadillac I might have this wrong. I think he was buying a Cadillac too early. Yeah. Yeah, he's a greeter. That's my name for it at Rios. Oh, no, no, no, that guy's famous. He was uh my father knew him when he was a door guy. His name is

oh I'm forgetting what's that? I was gonna say Johnny. I forget his name but he was famous because you know he was hanging out he was the door guy and then like De Niro would come in and uh Pacino and Scorsese and they all loved this guy because he was the guy they were trying to write in their scripts and so they started he started getting work they would just bring him in as an actor on stuff and and he's been in like a bunch of those movies I think he was in Goodfellas I mean I know he's in Goodfellas. I think he was in Bronx Tale. Johnny Williams is his name. Yeah, he's been in Bronx Tale, and yeah. God, look at this.

Look when he's younger. He looks so much like Artie used to look like. Look at that. Oh, yeah. Right. So listen, I'm not dinging the guy, but he floats around as close as that guy can get to floating.

And he come and it'll come by your table and check on you. And after he left, I just looked at Craig, I'm like, like that is like an animatronic. It's like he's on a track, like in a, in it's a small world after all. And he's one of these animatronic and he comes over. He's like, forget about it. and But we talked about Arthur Avenue up in the Bronx. He loved hearing that, you know, my parents and me are from the Bronx, really my parents. I was there for a few months. And so anyway, yeah, that was, Raios was great. Yeah, when we used to go in New York,

they would have a sing-along after dinner. Like they literally would sing the standards. And, you know, the owner, fuck, I'm forgetting everybody's name now, he would get up and he would kind of lead everybody and people would get up and dance. And it really was like a party. It was like a family party. It was amazing.

Yeah, and they have a big picture up of the guy you knew, the maitre d, who they put in the Sopranos well here in Hollywood they have a big picture of him up Craig and those guys didn't even know him like yeah he's the head of like the FBI and the Sopranos was it a Frank yeah Frank Frank Pellegrino that guy Frank Pellegrino right so anyway that was really fun all All right, dude, Tyson fight. Did you watch it? Tyson fight. If you can call it a fight, it looked like two guys shadow boxing, just facing each other shadow boxing. We just read a tweet that said he, the guy has seen way

better fights in Waffle House. No, it was, I mean, I didn't realize till I started watching it that there was all these regulations about they couldn't hit Tyson below the rib cage because he's got an ulcer. And now that yeah, and Paul couldn't I forget what the phrase is, but something about where you punch from, like, they had to be jabs or hooks or uppercuts. He couldn't throw like an overhand. I didn't even know any of this.

There was a Jason Paul had two timeouts if he wanted to use them. Jake Paul. Oh, I didn't know that. Yep. Well, none of those rules applied to the chicks that fought before him. And that's all anyone's talking about.

Oh, I didn't say it was a good. What? Oh, if you I don't know if your family. So when they come in, I'm like, all right, I'm not into this. I don't like but it's you know, I'm thinking of women cage fighting where I don't even like men cage fighting really. And I get squeamish when I see like permanent damage being inflicted. These it was I was not I'm not the only one a lot of people were like oh my god this is

like Hagler-Hernes numbers in terms of punches and action and toe to toe. I'm not gonna tell you anything then. You just watch it. By the way, women's boxing in terms of pace is incredibly easy to watch. The rounds are only two minutes. But it's also, weren't they called like ultra lightweights or something, were they very small?

They were 122 pounds I think think but they didn't look small Yeah, all right, and one was Irish so I go oh no I don't like watching Irish people fight their their skin cracks open later the second you touch it Yeah, and I'm like like and Ruby's like what are you talking about? I'm like if you punched me in the forehead. I guarantee there'd be a slit. It would just crack. And the thin, brittle Irish skin. And well, some skin does open. Don't even look it up, dude.

Watch that fight. It's incredible. Do you know how many fucking stitches me and my brother got growing up? It was like a running joke that they were gonna start keeping a measurement because they'd always tell you how many inches your stitch was. I got stitches all the way across my forehead and then the other way across my forehead. I got it from my lip to underneath my chin. I got it from my hand from here all the way down to the knuckle. I got one on my knee

That's about three inches long. I have two in my ass Yeah, I grew up with a sister so she's the one with all the stitches Well, you know I was a snitch it's my fault You know nowadays they I think a parent of boys, someone I know I worked with here in Hollywood I had boys and I think it was the head of, LaGaurie who was like the head of Fox congratulated a guy I was working with on the boys and he's like, have you found a plastic surgeon? And the guy's like, what are you talking about? He's like, you shouldn't just let any doctor stitch him up. And he's like, stitch him up.

He's like, you'll get there. Because it was like the guy's second boy. He goes, you should have a cosmetic surgeon do your son's stitches when their faces get torn apart because they're fighting at home. And Owen had the same number of injuries, but they were all soccer related. He had stitches.

Oh, I remember. His nose got exploded. He broke both wrists. He had a groin injury, ankle. You guys both look good for that, though. I love how you said, and for the listeners, one stitch came from the right top of the head towards the center of the eyebrows,

and then the other one did. But that's like what you draw on an angry face is that little triangle that goes down to the nose, like a furrowed angry brow. The long one was we used to rent out ice time at Boston University. We would get the midnight shift on Friday nights. And of course we would drink all night and then we'd go

and there was nobody there so we didn't have to wear helmets and this kid Jeff McClain was turning and as he turned instead of keeping his stick low he just let his stick go over his head and it caught me right across the forehead I got 22 stitches I had to go to the emergency room at like one o'clock in the morning. I was dragged on my birthday. And I don't, I mean, I kind of played, I played thirds hockey in high school as a joke because we were bored.

And I had to play a forward because I didn't know how to skate backwards. That's the level I was at. I was dragged down to BU for one of those late night things. I still have holes in the cartilage or bone of my elbow. You can feel it. When people feel it, they're like, whoa! I just kept falling and smashing my elbow on the ice.

That's a famous ice injury. I forget what they call it. There's a little bone in your elbow that when you smash it, it doesn't go away. I got the same thing in both my elbows. It's like you can feel the hole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it moves around.

I guess one day it'll hurt. God bless, it doesn't hurt yet. All right, so the Tyson fight, Jack and I, Jack from Wyoming and I, we're talking about the fight before. And he goes, he's like, no one of these younger Generations can understand what it was like the old Tyson like we would pay all this money for pay-per-views

they'd be over some of them in like one round and So quickly like eventually you're like well we don't need to get much beer or snacks because and you'd find someone he'd all chip in and go over a house and he goes buddy he goes I vividly remember where I was and I do too when Tyson was on the ground in the Buster Douglas the first time we had ever seen him on the mat and he's like pathetically like looking for his mouthpiece to try to get it back in and he goes and Jack talked about he's like And I and I had to share the same exact view like your brain was Seeing something that it didn't understand like wait

Tyson's down and like and knocked down and weary and he's like it just didn't make sense to me and I thought about it I was like trying to remember because I I remember where I was, and my mouth was just agape, and I'm like, and I realized the only other time I've looked at a TV and been as like confused and dumbstruck, a minute later the second plane went into the other tower. Like, you're just staring at it doing math. Like, wait, this is, that's, it's almost like a blip in the matrix. Like, wait, that's not, that's not happening, is it?

Yeah. The first one you're just like, oh, it's probably Spirit Airlines, you know? No, no, I was dumbstruck right before. But then you watch the second one, you're like, whoa. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, kids, that's how startling Tyson being knocked out was. And you know what?

The generation will never understand how intimidating he was. Not anymore. Yeah. So the fight was a fucking snore. And I was watching it in the green room between shows. And did you have tech issues like most of America? No, did not. It kind of crashed Netflix. But I think the tech issues were for the first two fights.

I don't think it happened for Tyson. Well, we were at Penmar and it was great. But everyone was sharing headlines of Netflix is out here. My dad in Florida is like, is your Netflix frozen? Damn, and also the announcers were awful. That post interview with Tyson where the guy was like, why were you biting your glove? It's like, shut the fuck up, what are you doing?

Yeah, he used to do that, but he was doing it a lot this time. I know, but it's like, we know that. It's like, you know, you're going to ask him about it. He didn't bite his ear. That would have been amazing if he bought his bit his ear. I've told this story on this podcast before, but that Holyfield fight, once again, so expensive pay-per-view.

I was out in West Hampton and I didn't get it. But my friend upstairs was like, hey, you know, you can hear the audio, and it's, remember when things were blurred? Like, remember HBO would blur, but you'd wait, you'd try to see like a nipple or something dirty? So, it would like show you a little, and I don't think it was by design to tease you into buying it.

I think it was just, that was the tech at that time. It's scrambling. Scramble was partly there. So anyway, I'm listening to it. And again, it was like the Yankees game that I listened to. I'm listening to video announcers, and they're like, oh my god, wait a minute. Did that just happen?

He bit his ear. I'm like, what? What? I had to listen to TV announcers describe a boxer biting an ear off twice twice Yeah amazing So I'm playing in Tacoma and I said to the club owner because I got I've got some jokes that are a little bit political

I go how does this crowd skew, like liberal or conservative? And he goes, well, I'm not going to say the comic's name, but so-and-so was here last week. He did a Trump joke, and 20 people walked out of the showroom. I was like, oh, fuck. Maybe they were Mexicans, and they just walked headed towards the border.

Maybe they were rapists and murderers. But I have stuff on politics. I still did it. I didn't give a shit. Yeah. It was fine. Well, his nominees, man, are fascinating. Fascinating.

We'll get to one of them later. What's the big update from the mailbox? All right. We're gonna do, well, all right. So we're gonna do hats. You and I have to, like, tomorrow talk about logos and hats, okay? We're announcing right now, there will be Sunday papers,

hats available, they're gonna be high quality, as all of our stuff is, and it will be available for Christmas, we're gonna start. Mike will not be mailing them out, we're gonna use- I am sorry to say, I am not gonna be mailing them out. Now, we set up a post office box, right? And remember that Argentinian guy who some people in Argentina stole his baby. It was some crazy story.

So he's there. He wasn't great at communication. It's probably why they took his baby. And he no longer is the owner of this place. And I get a message, hey, your mailbox. So I go in last week. I'll tell the owner of this place. And I get a message, hey, your mailbox. So I go in last week, I'll tell the story in this order. I go in last week and there's a package, but I'm like, well, my mailbox wouldn't be full.

Like they were gonna start charging me storage. And we got a very nice letter, Greg. Hold on. Oh, let me reach down here. And it's, Dear Greg and Mike, I wanted to thank you for the great job you do every week with Sunday Papers. I'm often in my classroom or something working,

or Sunday working, and your show puts me in a great frame of mind to start the week. Enclosed are pictures of Miles Davis that my father took at a club in Kansas City in 1952. A then 26 year old Miles Davis was going through a lot at that time so there are not that many pictures of him during this period. I have heard you guys reference him and I thought you would enjoy these. Best of

luck with everything you do. Take it Eesh! And it's from Doug. I could read his whole name but we'll just say Doug. And he sent us two pictures Greg of Miles Davis in this Kansas City club. Wow. He looks so young. 56 that was? I think so. If I read it right. Damn. Looks like a baby. baby no I know let's see here well he was born in 26 so he was 30 years old to that he wrote yeah I imagine it's nice okay 52 and he's 26 so that's really nice and I meant it and I

got that like two weeks ago so anyway I'll get you one of those then I get a notice again yeah your mailbox is still full. I'm like, what do you mean still full? So I go back. Okay, we'll go into this next week. They have this big bag. It is full of returned koozies. What? Full, full of returned. I'll read out the names last week. Here's Andrew. I don't even know what city they covered it up. Everything. There's Christmas cards to us, I think. Oh, this Argentinian. I'm glad they took his baby. Brie from Huntington Beach, Allison from Toronto. When's the date on this? December 2023. We got like nice Huntington Beach loves you. So I'm going to read these a little bit next week and also

I'll make sure everyone who's returned koozies. Well do you think some of those returned koozies are people that reached out to you and said I never got my koozie and then you sent them? Oh no I think most of them are and then I re-sent them. Yeah. It depended on the mailbox. Some people really flagged me for one stamp you know what I mean like it needs more. Some were like address doesn't work but return to sender unclaimed unable to forward, you know that's one that's not that's not on me. You sure you don't want to send out the hats Matt? Mike you got Matt. I'm gonna get a correction on that. How you got time I mean you've only got you're only

head writing a job for the next month. Why not do the hats? I came up with, I thought a good joke the other day, which was what a year. Some shooter tried to kill Trump and they immediately knew it wasn't Baldwin because Alec Baldwin, because he missed. What a year. You see, I did two stories in one. You go. So we'll read those next week, but thank you for the nice cards

and we're gonna read those also. The logo this week, I picked this one from Lawrence Tarpey who he sent, he sent this a long time ago, but it's a boxing one. It's Ali punching the two of us in the face. Thank you, Lawrence. And I just sent you an Ali clip. Emmett Hall did the song this week.

Emmett Hall, I got to meet last night. He lives, I don't know where he lives, but he was at the show here in Tacoma and he came down and I gave him a hug. I thanked him for all the work he's done over the years for us. Gave him a couple, he tried to pay me for the pins. I said, Emmett, you don't, here's a message here's a message anybody that's gonna write songs for us coming to my live show I will give you a pin how about that oh my god yeah are you kidding me we got some corrections cat the show f Kevin is actually called Kevin Can Go F Himself. Greg said Christina Applegate is the star.

Christina Applegate is not the star nor has she ever been on the show. Annie Murphy of Schitt's Creek fame is in it and she is wonderful. I knew that actually. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got a number of people correcting me on that one. All right, can I read an email that you forwarded me just to follow up on koozies? This is from our buddy, John Favreau. The less famous one. The subject is a rag. Yes, Greg, a rag is what's holding my water bottle in the cup holder of my school

bus driving down these tough, rough, main roads. And why? Because Mike refuses to send me the koozie that I won months ago in the cartoon caption contest. Why oh why does Mike hate me so? Tell him for me that I'm on the rag, please. I love that email. You'll get it.

They're coming. They're coming. And by the way, I should point out right now, if you want to buy koozies for Christmas, like you did last year, Mike is home, he's available, he will send out koozies right away for Christmas. Go to FittsDog.com. I know this is not the best sales pitch after all the returned koozies. No, if you order now, I can guarantee delivery by mid-January. Guarantee!

No, no, I'll get them out. I will, I got the system down now, man. I got new envelopes. They don't get returned. Alright, another correction. Dodges Hodges said, I live in Oakland and while it has its problems, women are most certainly not being killed constantly, he put in quotes. I'm a community... did we say that? Which correction is Oakland? Yeah did we say women in Oakland? Well maybe had to do with that serial killer with the

zodiac killer? Oh maybe. But that was back in the 60s. Anyway sorry Dodgers Hodges, we did not mean to besmirch Oakland. Louis Lush said, Ruth Bader Ginsburg retiring from the Supreme Court wouldn't have mattered. There was already an empty seat that Obama had been trying to fill and the melting turtle that is Mitch McConnell blocked every nominee in the Senate. RBG did what she could for as long as she could and retirement wouldn't have made any difference unless she had retired under Clinton 25 years before she passed. I'll see you in Cleveland in December. All right, Louie, you got yourself a pin coming. Louie's right if she retired at the end, but if it was earlier, they can only block nominees so long.

Al said in talking about Sesame Street this past Sunday, Mike referred to Elmo as Emo. Oh, I like that. I'm going to stick with it. Secondly, you overlooked the passing of Phil motherfucking Lesh. You know what? AI or Al, if that's your real name,

you're right and we put him in the obituary today. Chris Elzinga said, finally saw your special. It's outstanding. A sketch in the last SNL reeks of being ripped off by a staff member who saw your special, namely the section about dads sharing their feelings with their sons through the lens of football talk. I was so irates. It was Bill Burr's episode of SNL, so I watched it.

I haven't seen it yet. Oh shit, is it really? Dude, it is exactly my bit. And this has happened with SNL a number of times. I think their writers just, they listen to podcasts, they watch specials, and I think they're so desperate and they're so in fear of not getting things on, they just fucking steal. Yeah, I mean, I don't have your, and they are desperate is an understatement.

They're terrified they're gonna be fired. They need to come up with, they have to get sketches on to earn their keep Well, I told you I was and I'm not saying he ever heard me do it or anything but Jim Jeffries who I love and I know not well But like we played that 18 holes in the charity golf together and all this and I had a bit I was really I really loved that you've seen me do, which is how late we invented wheeled luggage. And I had my examples of the smartest men in the world also didn't figure it out. And like they're lugging the Manhattan Project through

airports and carrying it. And you know, meanwhile there's dollies and and and he did exactly that and I don't remember if I said it when we were playing golf or whatever but I knew I had gotten a low-hanging fruit and when you get one of those you know you're very excited about it like how has no one talked about that it was like the 1980s before someone patented a wheeled suitcase anyway well here's here's here's something wasn't low-hanging fruit I had a whole routine where I was going on stage, and I was doing Bill Cosby's bits and the premise was Fuck him like what could hurt a comedian more than stealing their material And he was in I think he was like in court at this point anyway

Daniel Tosh then did the exact bit on Tosh.0. And then I know a writer on the show who said to me, they brought up that Greg Fitzsimmons is doing this bit. And he goes, well, who cares? My show is bigger or I'm bigger. So there you go. He also said he also said the Summer of Love was actually 1967 not 1969. A lot of people on the YouTube comments pointed out the same thing and I should have flagged that because I was born in

the spring of Summer of Love. It was the first time I was ever early. I think I was thinking that 69 might have been the summer that they did the Monterey Jazz Pop Festival. Let me just. Well, was 69 Woodstock? No, that was 70. Oh. Or maybe it was 70. Oh. Wait, let me, or maybe that was 69.

Monterey Jazz Pop, oh no, it was 67. Okay. And Woodstock was... Look at this. Woodstock was 69. You're just not going with it. All right, so Woodstock was 69. Maybe that's what I was thinking of. Yeah.

Although Monterey Jazz Pop was the reason why Woodstock happened because it was so beautiful and peaceful and amazing that Woodstock decided to try to do the same thing. And then of course, all hell broke loose. And then I think the, what was the one at the racetrack? Ultimat. Then Ultimat happened where there was murder and violence. You know I am finding Summer of Love also tagged to 1969. Yeah.

And then there was, of course, that horrible song, Summer of 69. Was that Don Henley? It was one of the Eagles. You're joking, right? No. What's-his-namewas a shockingly large amount of hits

Brian Adams Oh really? Dude, I hate to say it. He could have been an eagle. He's bad enough to have been an eagle So you're not gonna go to the sphere and see the Eagles? What are they gonna put up in the background? People yawning? People in flip flops? I think they're just gonna put up signs

to where the men's room is. Cause all the old fans have to go so much. We won't do this now, but you know how I like to find a band and I'm like, you could sing along to 13 or 14. I did that with the cars, and my sisters talked about going, she was dragged to a Hall of Notes concert,

and she was like, she's like, I think I knew 22 songs. It was unbelievable. Brian Adams is one of those guys, I hate to say it. No shit. No, well, I'll make notes, we never follow up. Dude, you know who else is a band like that, and you're not gonna believe this when I say it. Toto.

You're right. I don't believe it. All right. Toto, they had well, obviously they had that song. I think they have to, I know. No, you know more than two of their songs. All right. We don't have to go into this week. Are you ever going on tour or what? Oh, yeah, I'm gonna go on tour. Why not? I'm gonna come to Tempe, Arizona Which is in Phoenix November 22nd to the 24th San Francisco punchline December 5th through 7th second favorite club in the country I fucking love this place. Let's sell it out. Tell your friends San Francisco Cleveland

Hilarities haven't been back in a few years December 13 and 14 and then in the new year I will be in Janesville Wisconsin, Nyack New York, Raleigh North Carolina Milwaukee, Vegas, Fontana California, Atlanta, Hamilton Ontario, Toronto, Pittsburgh, Tampa, La Jolla. Go to FitzDog.com, get yourself some tickets, support live comedy. Also, if you've not seen You Know Me, my new special, it's out on YouTube, it's free. It's got five out of five star reviews.

It's been nominated for Best Special of the Year by, I forget and he should really you should really print up the poster I'm still trying to figure out what star situation you just described hey Jack you know I talked to him this week about Tyson but also he's like know, he's up in Wyoming and the winters get incredibly long there. And he's like, hey, why, he's like, Fitz is in Vegas for a week.

I'm like, what? I go, I don't think so. He's like, do you listen to anything he says on the podcast? And then I go, well, look, I could look it up right now. And I went into our doc here. And it is peculiar. You're there a while, 10 through the 16th. Seven nights. I need you guys bad.

If I ever needed your friendship, it's gonna be a week where I am trapped in February in Vegas. Wait, dude, like when is the Super Bowl? I think it's, oh, good point. You looking it up now? Yeah. February 9th.

No way. Yeah. Holy shit. Oh man. So you're talking about me going in a day early? Yeah. It's Sunday. Yeah. Can you imagine the madness of Vegas during the Super Bowl?

Who do you think is going to be in it by the way? Obviously the Chiefs. I think it's going to be Jets, Bears. Okay. I'm very good at betting. Oh, by the way, a little follow up. On the Tyson fight, I'm in Tennessee, and I'll make this quick. I'm in Tennessee and we're being government's like, we want to bet on the fight. You're in Tennessee?

I'm like, yeah. So the MGM app that works there. But I'm on a plane. We haven't, people are still boarding. And I'm like, all right. And I'm like, if you bet 100 on Tyson, you win 190. And so I try to place the bet, and it literally told me, it looks like you're on an airplane.

You can't place bets on airplanes. Oh no shit. Even though I'm fixed to the gate. It's not like I'm flying or even rolling. So anyway, I then go, I'll take your money, because I knew Tyson wasn't gonna win. So anyway, I was gonna give those guys like 150 or 170 and then they chickened out but then gubbins did bet So I bet gubbins I took his bed. He bet on Tyson I think we decided 50 bucks and I'd give him back 90 or whatever it is and

It was so sad. I go, I'm not taking your money. Oh, I would have taken that money in a second. So no, I'd rather he owes me in a way. Yeah, that's good. All right. Let's get some crinkling going. We're getting to the front page. Let's do it. I have a crinkle. Yeah, I have this great letter about Miles Davis. Doug, you are providing the crinkles today. Here we go, Doug.

Thank you. Crinkles brought by Doug. Extra! Extra! We are the bodies! Extra! All right, in the wake of the U.S. presidential election, one cruise company is offering travelers a getaway for the length of one term in office.

The residential cruise operator allows travelers to join a trip around the world for between one and four years. The company's ship aims to circumnavigate the globe every three and a half years with stops in more than 400 destinations. The program currently starts at less than 40 grand each year based on a four year commitment. So people who are choosing to do this, they have two choices, stay in America under Trump or have continual diarrhea for four years and they are choosing the diarrhea. years and they are choosing the diarrhea. There's no way that boat is lasting that long.

And also I don't know the passengers will last that long. 1200 whiny liberals on a boat together for four years. I think it'll backfire. I think the ship's going to come back so right wing that they're going to use the boat to round up and deport immigrants on it. There's gonna be a MAGA flag hanging on board that ship by the time they get back.

You know how boats have a no wake zone? This should be a no woke zone. That should be the way. There you go. I feel bad for the comedian who's gonna be on board. Can you imagine how sick they're gonna be at his fucking jokes after two years? Four years? Well, so this is in your even now. It hasn't even started every morning. Like, wait, what happened? That's how every morning starts on that cruise. Wait, wait, what's going on back home? That's how every morning starts on that cruise. Wait, wait, what's going on back home? Well, that's the thing is that this only works

if everybody blocks out all their communication for four years. Otherwise, you're just gonna feel that much less, you know, engaged. Yeah, so much for the act local and a way that you can actually take this loss, learn from it and change things and work on the midterm elections if that's what you want.

You're gonna act local, you're gonna be in coves all over the world and in harbors. Massachusetts highest court ruled Thursday that hearings for the alleged customers of an upscale brothel network that operated out of Cambridge and Virginia will be open to the public. Clients include politicians, executives,

doctors, military officers, government contractors, professors, and scientists. Acting U.S. Attorney Joshua Levy's office said that when the brothels were raided last year, over two dozen Johns have been fighting in court to keep their identity secret. The perpetrators advertised the brothels on two websites offering nude models that were fronts for the sex ring, rates ranging from $350 to $600 an hour in cash. Well, as usual, it looks like the Red Sox were going to have a happy ending but that turned out to be a terrible ending. How do you like them apples Harvard with your Cambridge brothel? So it's 400 an hour now but it's 800 an hour later when you have to hire a lawyer to keep this hush hush. Oh my god. Do not disclose it. Look at this, look at the economy.

Dude, you hear about the fucking brothel. They broke it up, dude. You used your real name, bro. No. Bro, I said my name was Smitty. All right, a husband and a father of three who vanished at a Wisconsin lake this summer may have faked his own death and fled to Eastern Europe. And the sheriff is the case began on the morning of August 12th when this guy Borgwart, Borgwart.

That name belongs in Eastern Europe. He belongs in the bottom of a lake. He last texted his wife on August 11th saying he was turning his kayak around and heading to the shore soon. They later found his overturned kayak and life jacket in the lake and they found his fishing rod and tackle box. They believe the missing dad drowned and they scoured the lake using divers, drones, sonar, and cadaver canines. Jesus. 54 days. Search continued for 54 days. They methodically searched 1,500 acres and it took a turn in October when they discovered Borgward's name had been checked by law enforcement

in Canada on August 13th. Yeah, when your name is Borgwort and you're faking your own death, may wanna switch it up a little bit. It showed up in Canada and he was communicating with a woman from Uzbekistan. She was number one prostitute in Uzbekistan. Other behavior included clearing the browsers the day he disappeared.

Never do that. Never clear your browser. You can clear individual websites, gentlemen, friends. Never clear the whole browser. He was also moving funds to foreign banks, getting a new life insurance policy, getting a new passport. I think they smell the rat when the life insurance policy paid out to him. Also you missed they did daily for 54 days daily drone searches. Like okay how

about this you find a married guy who has cleared his browser and done this stuff, you just need one drone search just so you can say you did it. The guy's not in the lake. He is not in the lake. Just like a Radio Shack drone does a lap until the battery dies and it plunges in the water. And also, like, if this guy's trying this hard to get away,

I say arrest the wife. Clearly, she's making his life a living hell. Why did nobody play that angle? She's the criminal. Yeah, exactly. There's another missing man story. A missing Indiana man has been found dead inside of a tanning bed at a Planet Fitness

in Indianapolis. The man's been identified as 39 year old Derek Sink. Sink has been missing for days. Elizabeth N, who was the Planet Fitness, who was at Planet Fitness before police arrived, said there was a powerful foul odor throughout the gym. That's every Planet Fitness. Right? Yeah, track that down.

And it was strongest near the tanning rooms. Sink had issues with drugs and wore an ankle monitor, his family told the station, adding that the monitor's activity showed he never left the gym after he entered on Friday. Planet Fitness says it is aware of the incident and is in contact with franchisee to make sure that gym's chain rules and regulations are being followed. Yeah. And at the funeral, people are looking in the casket, they're like, it looks good. Tan. Tan.

It's like fat. Tan dead looks better than pasty dead. Just does. Right, right. And by the way, it's a good thing this guy was not Irish or the health club would have gone up in flames. That's true. It's like you're a fork in a microwave.

Yeah. How'd you like to be the guy who has to take the ankle monitor off in front of his wife? Sorry ma'am, state property. But it should be noted, most dudes who use a tanning bed have an ankle monitor, I think. I think that's the demo. But he does look good and the funeral they announce will be open tanning bed. Oh, that's nice Yeah, like that. Yeah, it's kind of nice. It's a theme a theme funeral. Yeah a report of a swastika flag being displayed in the home in

Montgomery County, which I think is Philly Florida's is suburb Sparks conch sparked outrage the swastika flag is no longer flying outside the home. The American flag has since replaced it. There's a metaphor. CBS News Philadelphia attempted to ask the people who live in the home what motivated them to fly a symbol of hate.

A man who answered the door told us to leave. Why not talk to the press? Clearly, you wanna make a statement, right? Make your fucking statement. Here's a statement. Murder, swastika, murder, like murder-der-der. Swastika, turns out, even despite all this, that man is the least angry and hateful person in the Philadelphia area. Oh, Mike, why?

Why the Philly hate? Why? At least he's honest. He's upfront. Actually, they're all upfront. That's the problem. I think we've been clean so far. I don't think we've said anything to get thrown us

off the algorithm. All right. I do want to bring up. So Greg texted me and goes, hey, here's the doc sends me the link to the Google Doc. He's like, I loaded eight stories in it. So I then put the first story about the cruise, the four year cruise. Then here come the stories. Brothel, missing guy who faked his own death to get away from his wife. Another missing guy. Swastika. Now let's go on to the next story. A woman has died. Two days after being thrown from a golf

cart near a private members only club in Maryland. It occurred when they received a call of an injured person in Annapolis, Maryland. Authorities said that Mary Blassetti, a 32-year-old woman, sustained life-threatening injuries in an incident involving an EZ-Go golf cart. Not so easy that day. Police did not identify the driver, but confirmed it was a 32-year-old woman from Crownsville, Maryland who was uninjured in the incident and was apprehended three holes later holding a six iron from

about 150 yards out. Listen, her funeral's going to be thrown in conjunction with the guy in the tanning bed because these are the whitest deaths I've ever heard of. Yeah, bury her in a tanning salon also. When I was a caddy at Nolwood Country Club in White Plains, New York, there was a guy named Mark Brennan who loved me. He was a member. And there was a thing called putter caddying, which means that all four guys are in golf carts and you

carry the putters and all your job is is to get up in front of the group and make sure you find their balls. Wherever they are, they come up, you show them where their balls are, you show them you rake the traps, you show them how their putts are gonna break, you pull the pin. It's a pretty easy gig. It's a lot better than carrying two big fucking leather Rodney Dangerfield bags all day. So this guy, Mark Brennan, loved me. So he used to let me drive the cart.

Like one of the guys would walk and Mark Brennan would sit in the passenger seat and I would drive the cart. And I drove like a fucking maniac. And at one point I drove us over a sand trap, and the cart flipped. It did like 180 degrees, and we dove out, and the clubs fucking sprawled all over the course.

And he just started laughing his ass off. He's like, you're out of your fucking mind. More stitches for young Greg Fitzsimmons. Yes. Yes. Wow. Wait, just for a second. I'm not a country club golf guy, right? So, or a country club guy. So you're a member of the club. Are caddies mandatory? Yes, because it speeds up play. It keeps everybody moving.

All right. How much do you tip out caddies? It keeps everybody moving. All right. How much do you tip out caddies? When I was a caddy, it was $10 flat rate. A bad tipper gave you $2. A good tipper gave you $5. So wait a minute. It was $5 or $2 on top of $10?

Yeah. And how many caddies? Well, I would carry two bags. So if I carried two bags and I had two bad tippers, for five hours work I would make $24. No but I'm thinking, I forget the caddies, I'm thinking how much, like, you know, four dudes go out in a country club, or two guys go out. You just get one caddy even though you have the putter caddy?

No, no, if I, no, that's when there's golf carts. You only get a putter caddy if all four guys are in golf carts. So now you're not only paying for a golf cart, you're also paying for a guy. They also call it a four caddy because he's up ahead for in front of you. Right. And it just seems like you're paying already this expensive membership like and man that adds up and then but what twelve dollars no nowadays well I'm thinking there's also isn't there another caddy like you know other than you the lunatic who's out front doing reconnaissance no no the other guys are in golf carts there's one caddy okay and ten to go and that but

nowadays it's like a hundred bucks and it really good clubs. It's like a buck fifty for a caddy for one guy. I Know so the caddies actually making you know, there's another thing where you do where there's a cart So you're carrying two bags and then the other two golfers are in a golf cart. So you get their two putters So they're gonna pay you I don't know what the rate is for that but probably 30 or 40 bucks each maybe 50 bucks each and then the two bags are paying you a hundred to 150 bucks each so you could be making 400 bucks on a round yeah I hate playing with a caddy I've been forced to once when we my dad and I went to someone's club and it's like I don't know you just feel obligated you're like I don't know I have the wrong attitude about it. Well I like it because they show you you know what club to hit they

tell you don't go for it here there's a lake at the bottom of the hill there's stuff that you don't know about the course they tell you how to read the green on your putts but no it feels it feels a little bougie. No and of course the first time with Kat when they're like I am here with your putt but no it feels it feels a little bougie no and of course the first time with cat when they're like I'm here with your putt in this and I'm like yeah that guy doesn't he doesn't and then I don't do it and the guy was exactly right yeah yeah yeah but I wrote my first project I ever sold in Hollywood was a sitcom script called caddies and it was based on all the caddies from the

yard that I started out at. There was a guy named PGA Jack who lived in his car and there was and I was young I was like 13 when I started there and there was rumors that he had a dead body in his trunk and he was really weird and he sat by himself and then there was there was one arm Willie who was this old black guy from Louisiana who had one arm and there was killer Kalacki it was killer Colacki who was this Irish kid from the Yonkers who tried to get into the Marines twice but they thought he was too intense and so he was... You tore that guy you tore your co-workers arm off you can't come in the

Marines. And he used to be like standing under a tree and a plane would go by and he'd be like tracking the plane with the putter like it was a rifle. Yeah, that's the caddy I want. Really eases my nerves out there. He texts me to this day. I get DMs from Killer Kalakia all the time. I can't believe he has a working phone. Yeah, there's another one of your stories.

And then there was another guy. Let me just say there's one other guy named Nicky who had a motorcycle and he started banging one of the one of the members had like a like a 15 year old daughter and he was banging her and he and he they he pulled up one day to the club with her on the back and the guy chased the guy chased him with a driver in his hands. Wow. He never worked there again. That is good material. Gates, shortly after Donald Trump made the shocking announcement to nominate representative Matt Gates for

Attorney General, this is mind-boggling. It's unbelievable. House Speaker Mike Johnson announced that Gates had already resigned from his congressional seat. This was two days before the Ethics Committee was set to vote on releasing a report outlining its multi-year investigation into the Republican over his alleged sexual misconduct and drug use. So basically, they lost their jurisdiction over him, and they had to end the investigation.

Right. So this is Mike Johnson, a deeply religious and spiritual man. And I guess this sexual misconduct should not even be looked into now. Yeah. At all. Yeah. So they said that there was sexual misconduct, sharing inappropriate images or videos on the house floor And converting people's house by the way the people's house and converting campaign funds for personal use

This is an attorney general nominee who could not pass a background check right Now listen in terms of pornographic material, I call my apartment the people's house. But I have a different set of rules here. I'm allowed to do it. Well, so is- And there's full disclosure.

It's out in the open. Well, so is the comic I'm working with this week. I don't know why this dawned on me, but I think it's because he shared inappropriate images with me on his phone with with the girl that was visiting him this weekend He engaged in sexual conduct not misconduct But sexual conduct and is not claiming his income from t-shirts after the show to the IRS Well now they're gonna come for this guy especially Gates who is a by the book also I think religious yeah yeah I know the satirical website the onion purchased

info wars on Thursday best story of the week a capstone on years of litigation and bankruptcy proceedings following info wars founder Alex Jones defamation of families associated with the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. Those families backed the onions bid to purchase Infowars intellectual property including its website, customer lists, and inventory, certain social media accounts, and the production equipment used to put Jones on the air. I love it. Gee, where'd they get all the money? Connecticut families agreed to forego a portion of their recovery to increase the overall value

of the onion's bid, enabling its success. The family said the purchase would put an end to Jones' misinformation campaign. I love it. You know, Dickie sent me an article that the rather recent head of the onion is a self-described mass hole, and it's that

that mass wholeness about him this is Ben Carlin is that his name no no no Ben Carlin used to be at the onion he went to Wisconsin he was a daily show writer and he's a Hollywood guy we know no no no this is new ownership and and he goes it's that mass wholeness that made him go forward with this plan. It's such a great way to undermine this and really did it with the families, as you said. He met with them and then they did an arrangement. And after every school shooting, I love, The Onion uses the state they I don't think or rarely repeat headlines, but this one they do They said the headline is no way to prevent this says only nation where this regularly happens. Yeah

That always hits it hits every time It's so absurd I Just looked up and I know you have some, but this came across right before we started the podcast. The onion is just so great if you don't follow them. It's just a picture of a doorknob on a on a on a door. And he goes, report. Mom just locked her door.

That's all it says. And it's like, according to reports from stunned Melburg family sources, mom just walked up the stairs, slammed the door to her bedroom and locked it. And then it goes on about the shocking incident occurred shortly before dinnertime in the Melburg home. Mom had reportedly been silently chopping vegetables

and it just, with no signs of anger. It's just, they're so, so funny. Here's one. Area stoner to spend day in bed. Yes, worthy of a headline. Area bassist fellated. bassist fellated that's a little tease to a fillet coming up archaeologists uncover spooky race of skeleton people they're there bodies great botched real boy operation leaves Pinocchio fighting for life. I remember we were reading like, is it a real onion headline or not? And we did it, whoa, AI, AI wrote onion headlines

and we actually sniffed out which ones were real. Every single one. An alarmingly high rate. Right, right. Um, alright, that's enough of those. Let's get to entertainment. Yeah. Here we go.

Another Crinkle Watch you might have. Alright, so lately we had a lot of people say that they're really enjoying our recommendations that we hadn't done it for a while. So we're just going to catch you up on what we're watching. I want to go back. My son just started watching a show that he said he is obsessed with. And I remember being absolutely taken by how profound and moving and the acting is incredible. This show called Normal People.

It's amazing. It's an Irish show. And we're building it up too much, probably. Just watch it. Not a lot happens. It's just moody and well acted. That's all I'll say. It's called Normal People.

Like I was watching it and you know, I'm not like, you know, I'm watching The Wire, right? And I tend to have a list of things that like society or whatever culture has said, like, you know, I'm watching The Wire, right? And I tend to have a list of things that, like, society or whatever culture has said, like, you know, you have to watch it. It's, like, a high point of TV. So I do a lot of that, and it'll be Breaking Bad, Sopranos, and all that.

Normally, it's not a little show. This is a little show in Ireland, and it's about a couple, and my daughters recommended it to me. But I watched it. I was alone, and I found myself like no no no like out loud saying like caller, caller like I am so invested in this relationship

yeah and it's subtle it's really subtle it moves slow and it's subtle but it's incredible speaking of rewatching I started rewatching Breaking Bad and I finished season one because I just said to myself, I'm looking for shows to watch. Meanwhile, I've never watched a Breaking Bad for a second time and so I just put... I'm in the green room last night and the fight ends and I've got, I've still got like an hour to before I go on and so I just and I've got Netflix like an hour before I go on. And so I just, and I've got Netflix on, so I put on season two, episode one. And the writing is so insane.

That guy Chucho, he like beats the shit out of his friend and kills him right in front of them after they sell them a bag of meth. And Walter White is so freaked out. And so he goes home, he walks in the door, and his wife is calling his name and he can't hear her because it's just static in his brain. He's so freaked out.

And then he turns around and he comes in the kitchen and she's like eight months pregnant. She's got on a green facial mask. And he comes up behind her and he starts rubbing against her and she kind of giggles and then he starts rubbing harder and he pulls up her bathrobe and she's like no no Walter no and he begins to rape her and then she like pulls away and screams and then he walks outside and just think Jesus Christ this

was in the beginning of season two. I forgot that scene. Who comes up with shit like that? You should, since you're watching it the second time, you should track the color schemes. Oh I just threw us off the algorithm. Oh, yeah. Maybe we bleep that our word. All right. Let's bleep it. You didn't need it. He was going to assault her in a sexual way. Yeah. Maybe that got us off to. Well, not that phrase. So the color schemes were important as his transformation happens.

I remember the beginnings and a lot of people wrote about this, but like were greens and yellows and browns and they become much harder colors as his transformation undergoes from season to season. So keep an eye on that. All the color palettes, even of like places, like his living room and all that. But I remember him being very greens. I think he had a green shirt in the pilot. And what color is the car?

Isn't it like, I know it's a weird color. Is it yellow? Yeah, I think it's yellow. But keep an eye on that because that show they thought, you know, of everything. You know, I just told, I'm teaching this sitcom writing class, but we're talking about TV series. And I told them the story that, you know, when I, and I think a lot of people can relate, but when I was married, you know, our lives were just very separate. Now my marriage didn't work out, but a lot of people

have this existence where it's like dinner and then like, well, I'm going to watch my shows and you're going to go watch your piece of shit, Grey's Anatomy or whatever it is. And so at that time I was watching Breaking Bad. And my point to the students was, I left out some marital details, but the point was you should always know why you're watching something and with any work of art. It should answer the question, why am I watching this? In any point in your script I tell them, you should be like, well, why is he doing that?

Why do I care? What's at stake and all that? I was working at ABC, I'll move this along. I was working at ABC and it was almost all when we were coming up with an alternative, funny alternative to The View. And the women all came in and like, oh my God, there's a new show. It's better than Sopranos. I'm like, I'm listening. And it was Orange is the New Black. So they couldn't stop talking about how great it was. So I go home, non-judgmentally, and then I go, hey, listen, I have an idea. We're so separate, let's find a show

that we can watch together. I just heard about this show that these people at work are calling better than the Sopranos. So we watched the pilot and I liked it. Great hook, really good premise. And she goes to jail. And by like episode four, the show there's like random like fucking rooster

running around the prison, which has nothing to do with any of the plots that have been established and and basically like and then it came back and even then I'm like I kind of don't know why I'm watching I don't know why I'm hanging on and what I want to see what are the characters wants and I realized and this is the end of the long diatribe here, is you can't watch anything else and like it when you're watching Breaking Bad. Because at any minute in the entire series of Breaking Bad, why am I watching? He's like, why am I watching?

How much time do you have? Will the cancer get him? Will his wife get him? Will his brother-in-law get him? Will his assistant blow shit up in the meth lab? Will his family get killed by the cartel? The cartel's coming. Are they going to get killed? One page wasn't enough room to write all the things I was terrified about learning which I had to learn. There's the other thing about Orange is the

New Black is it was a false start. A pilot should show you what the series is going to be and Orange is a new black. It was about her on the outside and you get this Husband character and their relationship is very interesting and then all of a sudden. It's a show about prison by episode 3 Anyway, here's a great they're doing a lot of great docu series. I talked about the Vince McMahon one is amazing, especially if you want to. Especially, I guess, obviously, if you love WWE, you'll love it. But as somebody that had very little knowledge of WWE, it was an immersive. I like a docu series where I learn a lot about a world I didn't know about. And

there's another one called, it's about Martha Stewart. And I mean, obviously we all know Martha Stewart, but how well did we really know her? We kind of knew, you know, rumors that she was a bitch, but did we know that she grew up the youngest of seven in a poor house in New Jersey where there wasn't enough food? And did we know that she was a model while she got a scholarship to Barnard College? And did we know that she was married to a guy who she cheated on on her honeymoon? I mean, it's really fascinating.

Oh, I didn't know the honeymoon detail. on her honeymoon. I mean, it's like really fascinating. And- Oh, I didn't know the honeymoon detail. I did see a clip where she's talking about it and then he like cheated on me. And then that was it. Like that's what I remember. And then the off-camera voice, like a director's like,

but didn't you cheat on him? She's like, oh, in the beginning, but that like- Yeah. That's how those people get where they are, including Trump. There's a wake of destruction behind them, but they do not think about that. They just keep moving forward. That's right.

There's also a new series I can't wait to watch called Say Nothing, which is based on a book which I read. It's one of the best books I've read in the last 10 years. And it's about the troubles. It's about the troubles in Northern Ireland in the 70s when the paramilitary from England came over and started policing the IRA. And it's about this this woman, Dolores, who with her sister are IRA agents. And it's fucking so it's so heroic and amazing. And I can't wait to see the series. So we'll be talking about that.

If you want to watch it in the next week, then we'll probably be talking about it next week. We're talking about say nothing, but god, I thought I screen grabbed it. Anyway, there's another one that the Irish guy, oh, by the way, the guy from Normal People, the Irish actor who the two of them were astounding. He's in Gladiator 2. I heard about that, yeah. He's in the new Gladiator and then they asked him if you had one Irish movie Because I guess he was promoting one maybe what would it be and let me see if I can quickly find it

I thought I saved it and I want to see if you saw it, but it's about the Revolution it's about Here it is. Oh oh he's on the hot sauce my left foot the wind that shakes the barley oh that's an incredible movie that's what he said it's a lot of people's favorite hot wing he had a lot of people's favorite movie about that and that's also got a really sweet love story in it but it's also about I have to see it I've seen no Irish movies. Well, my left foot is obviously, I would say,

maybe my favorite Irish movie of all time. That's incredible. And would he be allowed to play that role now? All right, I'm watching, speaking of body parts that are missing, Chimp Crazy. Do you know about Chimp Crazy? No, I don't. All right. A lot of our listeners, I think, have already digested it. It's a it's it's it was like number one on Netflix. It's it has not left the top 10. And it's about people who have chimpanzees as pets. And by people I mean crazy women. And just

stay with it. It's longer than it needs to be. I kept thinking like is this over three episodes? No way. And but boy there's real juicy stuff towards the end. Okay can't wait. Juicy is definitely the wrong word to use. But here's the little, listen if you don't have time to watch it and you're considering getting a chimpanzee, here's my advice to you. You got to have plans on getting rid of the chimp at around 10 years old, probably before. But there is a hard line somewhere in those years around probably seven to ten where it is no longer a cute idea. Okay now do some of these women live in Florida? At least two. Yeah that's what I figured. Yes but one

of the most disturbing ones, and I remember it. And also I was falling asleep watching it. I'm like, wait, what woman, what crazy woman is this? And it was Connecticut. I'm like, wait, oh, because it bounces around a lot to show you this is not one Florida woman who's lost her mind. Like, this is a thing that happens in the US. And anyway, I had to keep track. This is how I kept track of the crazy women,

by their monkey's name, by their chimpanzee's name. So Travis, let's just say that Travis gets pretty active as he gets older and he's in Connecticut. And I remember that story. Speaking of Florida. Let's do it. Here we go with Doug's paper. Florida man should have hit his cocaine before calling deputies to report a break in in battery.

A group of juveniles have been aggravating and harassing 54 year old Everett Brown. A 14 year old recently kicked in Brown's door and hit him with a red broom handle. That's specific. I don't know why we needed red. Yeah. Brown, well, yeah, we read a lot of colors. Brown called the sheriff's office and deputies went out to investigate. While deputies were investigating and processing the scene, they saw Brown's cocaine and paraphernalia in plain view in the house. So we went to jail for possession of cocaine and paraphernalia. Should have used that rib broom to get rid of the cocaine. Sweep that shit under the rug, man.

I mean, I got to tell you, this guy's a Florida man, and he's got to be rueful about these kids today. They just break in and steal your cocaine. Why, in my day, a Florida kid would go down under the pier in Pismo Beach and give a Florida man hand jobs to get his own cocaine. Also, dude, your alibi was right there like, they brought that, they broke in,

I've already told you they broke in, I didn't put that there. Yeah. You don't think a lawyer could run with that? You can't 100% now say it's his cocaine here's the thing sure I did it for three weeks but the kids brought it in here this guy was gay I guarantee that because oh when I moved into do you remember that apartment I had on like 9th Avenue and 26th Street? You owned it? No, no, no, that was on 16th and 6th.

There was one I rented and it was in a very tough neighborhood of Chelsea. It was all housing projects. But the apartment itself was nice on the inside. So it was like, I remember Jim Brewer came over one day and we were talking about how women, all they care about is the inside of an apartment. He's like, he'll be inside and be like, and this is shabby chic and those are recessed lightings and gunshots are coming through the window.

Exactly. So I got the apartment cheap because the guy who owned it before me, and this was all over the New York Post for weeks, this was a big story. The guy was a gay guy who did cocaine and he used to invite kids from the projects into his apartment and he'd give them blow and he'd try to have sex with them and so at one point they came into his apartment and they took all the cocaine

yeah they took all the cocaine and they killed him and they put him in a bathtub and they cut his throat and they left the water running and then they left with the cocaine and so Apparently they found out because the apartment underneath had blood Watery blood dripping through their ceiling and it was called the Chelsea bloodbath. That was the name of the crime. That's what the post called it. I Rented that apartment for a song and how many self-pleasuring experiences did you have in that bathtub in the shower with the water running I let it flow right over the top and the neighbors complaining because now your stuff mixed

with the water is now leaking it It's worse than the blood. Actually, it might come from the water and work as caulk. It worked as caulk and it's sealed up. Caulk. Yeah, caulk. All right, let's make Kentucky, Florida. Here we go. A Kentucky man who threatened a federal agent

the day after being sentenced for an earlier threat against the same officer has been given another five years and three months in prison. Okay. This Kentucky's man, I've rewritten the story and you're going to guess at the end. Okay. I left it blank. So here we go.

So this Kentucky man's son, it's a bad story. He killed his girlfriend, but it's not about his son and that crime. The lead investigator on the case against his son was Todd Tremaine, a senior special agent. Well, the dad did not like Todd. The dad threatened Todd, saying he had watched Todd's house, described his wife and one of their vehicles and said he knew the times that Todd's family walked their dog.

This is against the cop. He also added that he had four sticks of dynamite, quote, that will do a lot. So the police arrested the dad and he pled guilty to all of that. The next day after being transferred to prison, the dad threatened him again according to the court record. So I've made the ink white so you can't see it. I want you to guess how do you up it from I know your wife, I know you, here's your car and I know when you walk your dog. What do you think the next threat was? And by the way,

dynamite, which can do a lot. The next threat would be that he is going to blow up the dog. You know, you're not that you're you're not there, but it's in that neighborhood kind of. Here it is. You're ready. I'm going to now highlight this. He threatened to have the agent sodomized by a farm animal, and then he made a gesture indicating he would shoot Todd with a pistol. All that shit.

Where do you go after dynamite? Farm animal, sodomy. How do you get a farm animal to sodomize somebody? Do you dress, if it's a horse, do you dress the police a if it's a horse, do you dress the the the police officer up as a female horse and put pheromones on it? You just put it in one of those horse breeding like contraptions that horse mounts.

Right. That's good. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. All right. But a goat, I don't know how you get a goat to well, sodomize a police officer. Take a goat? I don't know how you get a goat to sodomize a police officer. Take a goat over a horse. What does the algorithm think of the word sodomize? We're off. If the listeners are wondering, we get very, very little money from YouTube

because they constantly knock us off the algorithm because of our content. And we tried this week to not do it and we lasted not long. But YouTube I'm reading a newspaper where it's in quotes sodomized by a farm animal. Yeah well there we go. It's a technical term I mean I so is the R word but all right. Let's get to sports. Sports here we go. Well we already kind of did sports I mean check I'm gonna call it a girl fight I know that's wrong and not appropriate but check out the girl fight. There's also a story the biggest game of the NFL season is upon us as the Kansas City Chiefs Travel to Buffalo to face the Bills on Sunday

so Travis Kelsey's girlfriend Taylor Swift who's nearing the end of her two-year tour is Also having a big concert that day or that night. So there's games during the day and then she's got a game that night. And of course, Kansas City Chiefs, there are so many conspiracy theories about every time there's a call that helps the Chiefs,

people are saying that, you know, the NFL is in on this thing to get, you know, because they get such good ratings to get them into the Super Bowl. He is very protected, let's just say that. Yes he is but I don't but I don't think they're like putting the NFL schedule around Taylor Swift's even though when she's at a game the ratings I don't know maybe somebody can look this up and tell me how much bigger NFL ratings are

when Taylor Swift is in the audience. Well let's see when she does her Australian tour and all of a sudden there's eight NFL games down in Australia. Oh she will be at that same stadium one day after she will have played three consecutive shows in Toronto. Alright Toronto so not even in the same place. I guess Toronto is near Buffalo. Very, very close, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, one of the things with the girl fight, back to that for a second, the great, to me, one of the greatest parts about it, and I hope this comes true, I, I hope this comes true. Forget any other men, everyone will wanna see this rematch.

You'll see when you watch it. It's like a cobra and a mongoose. Everyone will wanna see this rematch and I hope they make tons of money. Good. And Netflix should do it again live. I mean, it was so successful. Starting to make money in women's sports

All right, let's get through this day in history real quick. Just give me a few because we're running a little bit late We are running late. I got to go to an upholstery shop. What a day I have. Okay, here we go this day in history Which one should I start with you would know that you would know that Which one should I start with? You would know that you would know that. Where was the OK, Jonestown Massacre, Jim Jones, leader of the People's Temple, religious community that he formed in the 50s and some 900 of his followers died this day in Guyana in a massive act of murder, suicide

known as the Jonestown Massacre. Give or take four years. What year did the Jonestown Massacre happen? 1979. You bastard. 1978. Nice. That's pretty good. Yeah, I remember being young.

Gregory, the first push, speaking of you being young, the first push button touch-tone telephone debuted in the United States, eventually replacing most rotary dial models. By the way, have you seen, I keep saying by the way so much, have you seen the TikTok and Instagram clips of a parent saying, call your friend on this phone and it's a dial phone.

And no, no. What we didn't realize is we had a manual machine that was like triggering magnets. We were, it was like rotating a dial, manually rotating a dial. Anyway, the kids have no clue how to dial a phone. That's hilarious. Well, obviously I grew up-

Hold on, give or take three years. I'm giving you a seven year window. All right, so I grew up dialing a phone, obviously. I remember that. And I'm wondering, did I move out for college before? Yeah, obviously I did so it's probably around high school. I'm gonna say I'm gonna go with the same number I'm gonna go with no, I'm gonna go with 83 1963 no, they're always earlier. Oh

My god. Yeah, but that was probably some geek had it in his basement when he lived with his mother. That wasn't out to the general public until the general public probably got the push-button phone in 1977. That's my guess. Well Greg, words have meaning. And it was debut. When did the touch tone phone debut? OK, great. Yeah. All right, you want to do one more or two more?

I have two more. One more. One more quick one. We're going to go, whoa, whoa, whoa, I just had. Here we go. Walt Disney released Steamboat Willie, the first animated film with sound to feature Mickey Mouse. The huge success of the cartoon helped

make Mickey an iconic character and led to the Disney Company's dominance in the animated market. Give or take ten years. When did Walt Disney release Steamboat Willie? 1927. Good Lord! 1928! How did you get so early? I gave you a 21-year window. I was thinking about when talkies started I knew it was before talkies and Movies I figured probably started in like 1921 All right, I don't feel good we're doing one more the American dramatic film Ben her Arguably the best of Hollywood's biblical epics had its world premiere and later won an unprecedented

11 Epics had its world premiere and later won an unprecedented 11 Academy Awards. Give or take four years. When did Ben Hur hit the theaters? 1962. Shit! 1959. Nice. You did it, man.

That was on fire today! Alright. We don't have to do China's Robotic Dog. I'll save it for next week. But oh, boy. Okay, let's do obituaries. Obituaries. Here we go. Oh, man. Lesh is more or really Lesh is no more. This happened a few days before Halloween, but we have a lot of fans who listen to us go on and on about music. Phil Lesh, the bassist who anchored The Grateful Dead, he was 84 years old. New York Times said one of the first rock bassists whose instrument regularly took a lead role. He also had a hand in writing some of the band's best songs. In addition to providing explorative

bass work, Mr. Lesh sang high harmonies for the band and provided the occasional lead vocal. He also co-wrote some of the band's most noteworthy songs, including ones that inspired adventurous jams like St. Stephen, Dark Star, Cumberland Blues, Truckin' and Boxer Rain. Oh, sorry, the last ones are, they call more conventional pieces like Cumberland Blues, Truckin' and Boxer Rain. And it was very cool, I saw clips that you know became went pretty viral of that night after the news that Fish took the stage and just right into Boxer Rain as their opening song.

Oh yeah I saw that. Yeah I saw the Dead last year and he did not perform with them. I think I Oh. I don't know if there was a falling out or he was doing his own thing or maybe he was just sick but he wasn't he wasn't playing with them. I remember just. What? He's 84 so I don't think the other guys are that old. I think he must have been the one of the older members of the band. Maybe, yeah. I wonder how old, I wonder how Jerry Garcia would be now.

Was Jerry born around 1940, I wonder? I'll look up Jerry. But, um. I know Bob Weir was the baby in the band. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just remember like really tripping at a lot of these concerts. And he was very grounding for me.

Like when I thought like oh boy you've overdone it and you're feeling really, you know, weird is not going to help me ground myself in his weird jean shorts, you know, outdoor stadiums. But Lesh was just such a like kind of sober grounded energy yeah Jerry Garcia was born in 42. Okay so he would have been 82 and Bob Weir is only 77. There's a great documentary about Bob Weir and it shows him like as a little he was like a 16 year old kid playing with the dead. So young. Yeah I mean I don't even think they were called the dead then. They were just like jamming at that house in Haight Ashbury. Let's get to the funnies. Let's cheer up. All right so we're doing the caption contest. Obviously whoever has the best caption wins a koozie which you can expect imminently. Yeah. Well I just got a bunch in. All right, good. I just got a bunch in. Did you really? I just have to open. You got more in? Oh yeah.

Yeah. All right, listen. This is serious. The caption contest has been very popular. I can't get to them all. I can't put them all in the script. I read them all, try to do my best to get the best ones in. I'm not always 100%.

So if yours is missing, my apologies. Keep sending ones in. I'm not always 100% so if yours is missing, my apologies. Keep sending them in. Last week's caption was a kid handing his piggy bank to a teller into bank. Suzie wrote, I'd like to exchange the contents of this piggy bank for one cheesy double beef burrito. All right Suzy. Little okay it's about what a kid would want I get it. Joanne said can you fill this up we need to call a plumber about a toilet baby. We always get a toilet baby submission. Yeah is it really Joanne? Yeah, I don't know if it's the Joanne. It seems off brand for the Joanne we know. Yeah.

Ton from San Francisco said, This is my inheritance from Grandpa Mike. It was in a box marked Greg's Cousi money. Yeah. Can we talk about that? Can we talk about where the fuck my Cousi money is? Let me tell you. How about this? If I don't send you if I don't venmo you money for koozies by next week, I give you 100 bucks. I love it. Okay, good. So here's my choice.

100. Do I give you so it's a pretty easy decision. Do I give you $100 or a lot more than $100? No, no, I'm gonna that's my deadline. That's gonna keep me honest. Okay Tim Bagan said screw my college fun I'm going downtown and get myself a hooker. All right he's a little young it's inappropriate it's inappropriate Tim. Well this is more inappropriate. Lainey Lanowitz said, I look a lot older on OnlyFans. Kind of funny. Mike Markle said, this is my swear jar, fuckface. Ha ha, I kind of like that one.

Steve says, here you go, Mr. Peepers. The elephant says it's full of Bitcoin and the donkey says it has changed we can believe in. All right. I have no idea what that means. That's political. I only put it in to see if you understood what that meant. Yeah, it's political.

Devin Smith said, hey, can you put this in my friend's Mustang GoFundMe account? Did we ever talk about your Mustang? I think so. It got wrecked and I'm waiting for it to come back to me. It's been five weeks Is it? caliber

Where no it's at stage crafts on Sepulveda Steve says the money might be sticky because I just fucked the slot Okay, then Ben Holdridge said I don't know what a divorce lawyer is, but daddy said I might as well start saving for one now. Oh, negative outlook on life. Okay. Poor Raya said I made a sculpture of your wife. It's just completely ignoring that it's a bank and a piggy bank. Yeah. I kind of like that.

Zach from Yuma said, I filled it with sperm all by myself. Another one, having sex with the pig. Well, it's got that slot on top. Charlie Reitiger said, my dad says I should take this money to the bank before the other fat pig Lee living in his house deals all my money too. The wording could have been a little better but I like that. Is that his mom he's talking about? Ron Dvorak said, I stuck my finger in the pig's asshole now he's ready to shoot coins all over your face. Oh all right right Ron, I mean, I didn't know there was another slot. All right. Rich Kennedy said, what do you mean you can't take my deposit? This pig is half full.

What kind of sperm bank are you running here? A lot of sex came up in a very unsexual premise. very unsexual premise. All right, there's two finalists in my mind. One of them is, this is my swear jar fuck face. Yep. And then the one that you really liked was, I made a sculpture of your wife. The one that you liked?

Yeah, you know, they're very similar in a way. It's a very rude kid. Let's go with the swear jar though, because that ties another level in. Mike Markle, congratulations fuckface. You just won a koozie and got us kicked off the algorithm. So you have to send me, I rely on you to send me when Mike Marco sends you his address. Yes I do. I always send them on. Maybe sometimes people don't send them. I don't know. And then I'll mail it in a way that will

never get there. All right next week's caption is it looks like an angel with a halo over his head and wings. They're at the gates of heaven. Clouds are on the other side. He's got his arm around a man who's wearing a bathrobe and the angel is talking to the man. What is he saying? Yeah, that's a good one. Okay. Man, the man's listening. Okay, let's get to your new obsession. Here we go. Oh no, I don't go first. Oh, okay. You can't rush Dilbert.

Alright, Lockhorns. Leroy is asleep at his desk and his boss is saying, When you said you could do this job in your sleep, Lockhorn, I didn't think you meant it literally. Yeah, that's alright for a Lockhorn. I didn't think you meant it literally. Yeah that's alright for a Lockhorn. Leroy and Loretta are coming out of a palm reader and she says aren't you concerned she couldn't find a lifeline on you? I like it. Then we get to Hager the Horrible. Hager's talking to Lucky. There's a woman sitting at the bar next to them. She has a lime wedge on her glass, which I find hard to believe. Haggar says, Lucky Eddie, whatever happened to that raging redhead you were dating? And then the woman sitting next to Haggar who has dark hair said she dyed her hair.

Ah, I don't know if it's an insult raging redhead. I guess it is. I don't know if it's an insult raging redhead. I guess it is. Well, I just don't understand. First of all, why isn't Lucky sitting next to her? Haggar's in the middle. And secondly, why is a woman trying to make herself more attractive during medieval times? I mean there's a reason why women started wearing burkas back then to hide any skin from these animals. Is a brunette more attractive than a redhead you're saying? Maybe that's what it is. She's I don't know. Maybe she's just trying to change her hair color from Haggar's. Look at Haggar's hair which is all over his face. He looks like a muppet. Yeah. Yeah.

All right let's do some. Here we go. I have not read it. It is a blind read. Again, I don't know if this is counting up from one to 10 or down, but here's number two. Because it started with one. Okay, we have three frames. And the guy with the smack your bitch up hairdo with two cones on his head is talking to Dilbert He's reading something to Dilbert. They're both at a desk. By the way is Dilbert's tie always like that? It's always up. Yeah, it's always up in the wind for some reason. Oh Okay, so the guy reads to Dilbert according to the anonymous online employee survey, you don't trust management What's up with that?

The second frame is a complete waste of time where they just look at each other. And then the third frame is, oh right, he says to Dilbert and they move on. Okay, there it is. Do you understand it? I think it said he doesn't trust, that guy, the smack your bitch up guy is management

and Dilbert doesn't trust him, so he's not gonna entertain that question. Right? But it is a period. It's oh, no, you read it wrong. It's oh period, right period. I don't know if that changes anything. I don't know either.

Right. I'm just trying to look at it at another angle so I see the humor. According to the anonymous online employee survey, you don't trust management. What's up with that? Maybe it's a play on it's anonymous. Maybe that's it. So he's like, oh, right. Meaning it's supposed to be anonymous.

But if it's anonymous, how does he know it's his report? No, I think his manager is just realizing that if he doesn't trust management, he's not going to answer the question. That was my first instinct, but then I'm trying to give it more credit because this is a world famous strip and this is number two of ten or eight of ten. People do go on about Dilbert. People think Dilbert is so smart. There have been ones that I really did find humorous when I was much younger. We'll get to them. Let's move on. All right. Let's get to blondie is wearing kind of a standard outfit, the velvet skirt down to her knee, a white top with black cuffs.

Hair is tousled beautifully. Dagwood's walking out the door with his overcoat and his briefcase and she goes, do you ever think about playing hooky and just taking the day off? And he goes, what a great idea. Takes off his coat and he goes, if I took off, if I took the day off and he goes what a great idea takes off his coat and he goes if I took off if I took the day off just think of all the things I could get done around here and she goes now we're getting somewhere honey and now he's sitting on a chair and he goes like binging all the shows on Netflix I've been wanting to catch up on and she goes, well that went nowhere fast. Yeah, okay here's my list Dagwood,

when I don't go to work that day. I have a guess what your list is. We start, we start on the shoes, we get the shoes off, foot massage, an oral foot massage, and then that top gets ripped off, but one tit at a time comes out, because they each deserve to be worshiped on their own. Left first, then right, and then get in that ass, Dagwood. Get in that ass, because you know she cleans it every morning.

She gets in there with soap, she gets a finger in the hole with the soap, she gets out, she takes a baby wipe, gives it another wipe, that thing is ready. This is a detailed breakdown. All right. How come you don't talk that way about Loretta? She's a blonde.

That's true, or the redhead in Hacker the Hound. You don't think Loretta cleans the undercarriage? Oh God, oh Loretta the undercarriage? Oh God. Oh, Loretta's undercarriage is a mess. Which is a lot more work, yeah. All right, well listen, speaking of work, watch these shows we told you to watch. We can catch up on them next week.

There's also a second season of Bad Sisters is out and it's also an Irish show and also I know it was all Irish today we talked about in the in the entertainment section but Bad Sisters start on season one it is one of the best seasons of TV I've seen in a very long time. One of the one of the women fighters was Irish and I think her opponent was Puerto Rican. And one of the bad sisters is actually Bono's daughter and she's very good. Oh yeah, I started Bad Sisters and then it's kind of like what happened. It's better than Orange is the New Black but I trailed off.

Yeah, alright. It happens. Thank you to Midcoast Media for producing and editing and promoting the podcast. They do such a fine job even though Denman doesn't join us any longer. Well, listen, he's America's Hole again. He is in such a good mood. He's running wild with it. Like it's just a very optimistic time for him.

I don't think Denman runs, but he's going wild. He's going wild. All right. Well, I guess we'll catch you guys next week. Yeah take it each everybody. Take it each!