Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 258 3/30/25

Episode Date: March 30, 2025

A teacher pees in a bucket in class, Mel Gibson is making “Passion of the Christ Part 2”, and a hot woman runs naked through the Dallas airport.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Read lessAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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Plus, their free expert-led migrations ensure a smooth transition. Ready to see why Kinsta is trusted by thousands of businesses? Get your first month free at Kinsta.com. That's K-I-N-S-T-A dot com. Kinsta.com. That's K-I-N-S-T-A dot com. Kinsta. Greg and Mike. Oh Greg and Mike together. Three, two, one. Read all about it. Did you plug your headphones in? Yes I did. Read all about it and listen all about it with the headphones. You clapped with them. I did. I did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was just telling you, but you didn't listen because you're not on one.

Maybe I just took an Adderall. You know, I take the baby five milligrams. First one in months. And I don't know why. I mean, I do kind of lose my voice more. I have to do it more. I'm also really spending a lot of time. I'm here alone in the apartment and I'm great procrastinating.

My phone has really grabbed me. It's bad. Oh my God, dude. I'm spending, I'm looking at my thing. It's like four or five hours a day I'm on the phone. I made dinner, sat down, knew I was about to watch a great show. I mean, this is a layup knew I was about to watch a great show. I mean, this is a layup.

I was going to start from the beginning, because I only watched the first 10 minutes. Adolescents, right? No matter what, right? Even if there's critics out there of it, this is a bold show that is trying something insane. We're in the production business. We know how insane what they tried to do is

with no edits. So anyway, it's a spectacle regardless. I never press play. Yep. Yep. I know. I got up this morning. I just I'm in Toronto, Canada right now. And I booked a hotel that's a block from on purpose that's a block from the NHL Hall of Fame, so that I could get up in the morning before the podcast and go see energy. I then went downstairs got a cup of coffee and some granola. And I sat on my phone for an hour and a half

and ended up not having time to go to the museum. It's getting in. It's it's getting in the way of my hectic masturbation schedule. Yeah. Well, I did make time for that. Did I tell the story about Paula? Yeah. On this on Sunday papers? You mean right now? Did I tell it last Sunday oh no you told it I first heard about it when we were together this week okay so speaking of masturbation so I I'm at the I'm at the laugh Factory Friday night last Friday yeah cuz we taped on Thursday everyone's listening when you go can I

tell the Paul Abdul story and then then he goes, speaking of masturbation. Yeah. Like everyone's all ears. No one's, by the way, while we have them, go buy a hat, the hats are going out, the koozies. What a tease. Oh my God. This is like kind of like American Idol,

like and we'll be right back with the loser. Dude, the t-shirts and the hats are selling like crazy. And not only that, I was in, where the fuck, I was somewhere last week and three different people came to the show with the hats on. So- Tell them where to go, Greg, because this is like, we don't have ads.

It's so simple. It's so simple. I hate ads and we're not charging you. So just view a hat as a charge for the year. I'm gonna tell you guys right now, I'm gonna just double check that the link is working the way it should be and that everything's laid out right. Go to fitzdog.com and you are gonna scroll down

and you are gonna see hats. It says buy yours here. We've got notebooks. We've got hats. We've got t shirts that say take it each. We got fifth anniversary mugs and hats. They're there. I don't know what the price are like 13 bucks or something. I don't know. It's a great deal. Dollar a month. That's how much you're paying to support us.

That's right. So anyway, so I'm at the Laugh Factory on Friday night. And I go up and I have a set that I'm very proud of. I walked off feeling very good about myself. There was a lot of high fives from other comedians. It was that kind of a set. And then this woman comes over and gives me a hug. And it says you were were really amazing and then she goes to the bathroom I don't know if she does in there and I realized it was Paula Abdul and so I didn't remind her, did not remind her that 28 years ago I spent the day with her at this corporate event we were selling swatches at FAO Schwartz.

And it was me, Paul Abdul, and Max Weinberger from the East Street Band. Maybe just a 1G, 1ERG, Weinberg. Weinberg, all right, so we're- You made a more jewer somehow. And like they made us get there like four hours early and then we were on stage for an hour And I forget we got a lot of money and she was not at the peak of her. She was not Paul Abdul. She was

Paul Abdul Well, I'm guessing I'm guessing Paul Abdul at her peak wouldn't be doing a project with Greg Fitzsimmons. Yes, right Meanwhile, it was my peak. That was my peak moment. Yeah. So, so we, we hang out and, you know, slightly flirtatious. And then the next day, I get a call from the producer of the event, who says she's asking for my phone number and can they give her my phone number. I had just met Aaron, like, a month before. But it was immediately like it was immediate with me and Erin.

Like I just knew, I knew that she was it. That she would let you hook up with Paula Abdul. That's right. If she had really been my soulmate, she would have. And so I said, I'm sorry, but I'm unavailable right now. And then, and then the next day I'm on my Instagram and it says, Paula Abdul started following you.

I'm like, what? So here's the thing, I didn't tell Aaron this yet and I realized I need to. Well, this is a safe space, and hardly anyone's listening, so it's kind of like we're having a conversation. All right, wait. Does she still follow you? Yeah.

I think word's going to get to her somehow. This is kind of funny, and I think the three of you should go out for a drink. Oh, that's a good idea. Yeah, you, Paula and me. And I think we go out, don't tell Erin. I think maybe we make love in front of Paula Abdul, Erin and I, and then she judges us on it.

Yeah, look what you've been missing, Paula. Yeah. What does she judge on, American Idol? Yeah. That's a good sport, though. I think she was in what was the Borat follow up? Oh, man, I'm sorry. Oh, right, right. Sasha Baron Cohen's gay character. It's also started with a B. Yeah. All right, I'm going to look it up. Anyway, you keep focusing. You keep doing business.

Her estimated net worth is $70 million. Damn. You know what Aarons is? $1,500. She's keeping it real, man. Oh my god. I had ORAT follow upup apparently or at is a government thing. We got Borat and Jesus. What was it? Why you know what I don't

know how long our listeners. You know any any fucking teenager with a phone would not only have the name up, they'd have the Bruno Bruno. There we go. Not a good name. Nobody ever remembers that name. I do remember, wasn't she like. Did she have to be furniture or something? I'm I'm vaguely remembering this scene. No, no, no. You are thinking as everybody does of Janet Jackson,

who gets mixed up with Paul Abdul a lot. You got Janet Jackson, you got JLo and you got, uh, and you got Paul Abdul. I think those three, because they're all hybrid dancers singers that have dark skin. They all, they all get, I really think you're wrong here what no Larry Charles directed I forgot that oh by the way Larry Charles started following me last week what yep Larry Charles began following me last week so here's Paula

Abdul sitting on people who are okay maybe you're right look at her yep look at her looks good dancing legs yep still looks good all right there's been a complete waste of time so all right yeah so listen I think you're gonna I prepare what you're gonna say and what you want to do I think she's gonna get in touch with you now how do I how do I broach this with Aaron because now this happened a week ago? And I haven't brought it up and now I've talked about it on a podcast Also, wait, I wasn't really listening as I was researching. Did you? Did you talk about what you set out to talk about regarding Paul Abdul?

No, oh Okay You had we had a segue going into the story. Yeah, but we don't always need those. Oh, no, no. All right, good. Segways are for kids. All right, so listen.

March Madness, you are in a bet with our friend, Rabeam. Let's talk about it. All right. You guys win $100 a game for the under over. You have the under on every single one. Please, for the love of God don't deconstruct the reason why because you've done it we get it just give us the update because it's a miserable bet and I was miserable a lot of the time

until the final scores started rolling in so let me tell you a thing I'm going back in my text chain with poor poor Ruby So Thursday there were nine unders it started out of the gate with four out of five anyway one two three four I want to tear five unders in a row after the first game anyway nine unders seven overs holy moly was the next day a bloodbath for him. It was, sorry, 12 unders, four overs was the second day of the tournament. I guess the question is just where do you guys stand right now?

All right, I just texted him. So where we stand now is, hold on. And there's, what did we say? There's 63 games in the season, so. Hold on, I have to scan above where he called me the fucking C word. Oh Jesus. Right now it is 28 unders, so today is Thursday.

They play tonight, four games tonight. It's at 28 unders, 20 overs. Now, I'm gonna make this, cause you know we're not sports guys and you hate when we talk about sports. So even the ladies could be interested in this the ladies you're ready This is I'm not gonna make it sports. I'm gonna make it Financial so there's 28 under and 20 over so I am up right now

$800 there's actually a way if I wanted to keep the 800 and guarantee I win 800 I would start betting the opposite bet of me a hundred dollars a game on the on the MGM app yes because then or I could find someone because then it would be a wash in other other words, I would lose 100 and I'd win 100. I'll take it. I'll I'll I will take the unders for the remaining. What is there? 14 games left. Approximately for 13 for 4 2 2 1. Right. Isn't it? Yes. 13 more games. I will take the under on the remaining 13 games. All right, now a lot of people would call me a pussy. Like it's kind of like hedging a parlay.

Well, that's what I'm doing by offering you this bet. I'm calling you a pussy. I'm calling you on this that you just said. Wow, all right, I do lock in 800. I mean, why wouldn't I, right? Why wouldn't you? But odds are, yeah, odds are, I guess, if you're, and I why wouldn't I write? Why wouldn't you? But odds are your odds are I guess if you're And I'm terrible. I'm not a gambler odds are it's gonna stay, you know, every game is a 50-50 ish

Proposition it's a it's like a coin toss. I doesn't change the previous games do not have any effect on The later games each each roll the dice is separate. Does no hot dice. God has no memory. The dice have no memory? Whatever. I don't remember that saying. Alright, you're really going to take the under? I'll take the under.

God, is there a more creative way to do this so I'm not such a pussy? How do you find the under over? You just go to any betting site and it'll have it? Yeah, yeah, I can find it. You go to your phone and you'll get a text from me right around game time because this is what happens for anyone considering doing this although now they're listening to this on Sunday it's almost all done but this is what happens is people hate the under bet so you're not gonna do it you're not gonna do it again you're not going to do it again. You're not going to explain it again.

We get it. No, no. I didn't explain this, Lessa. Moreover has come in as game time approaches in the last hour. So let's talk about this. I'm in Toronto. I got here, holy fucking shit. What a day yesterday.

Had to wake up at 4.30 in the morning. I slept for maybe three hours. Got on a flight coach and I flew straight to Toronto. My back was aching, I got a hemorrhoid and then I get picked up at the airport by the guy that was opening for me. He, very sweet guy. He's very, very funny, his name is Jeff Paul. So he picks me up at

the airport and we drive an hour and 45 minutes in standstill traffic. Like from the plane seat to the car seat. Get to the show two hours early. It's fucking freezing out so I sit in this seedy green room where the bed the couch is like a seat from a bus. And I sit there for two and two hours plus the half hour he went on ahead of me. And I had to do two shows and this town Hamilton I got to tell you something. It is like if Worcester Massachusetts had had some down times downer times that would be Hamilton, Ontario.

And the people were amazing, the crowds were great, I had the most magic shows, but then we had to get back in the car and drive another hour and a half back to Toronto. I was so fucking exhausted. And then I had to wake up this morning and not go to the Hockey Hall of Fame. But I was very worried that people wouldn't show up.

We sold out the shows last night. And I thought people just weren't going to show up because I'm American. I, you know, I know I would if I was Canadian and Mike and the U.S. was saying we're going to take you on as the 51st state. I'd be like, fuck this guy. Fuck everything American. I know they are loving Americans who basically are saying I'm so sorry, you know like and And make jokes about it and stuff like I know I said I don't want you guys to be the 51st state

I want California to be the 11th province. Oh Man, they like that winter line. Yeah, they like that I'm looking up where Hamilton is. Where is it? It's south of Ontario about 50 miles right around the lake you go right down the lake. You'll see it All right Anyway, two more shows tonight You won't hear this Pittsburgh if you hear this I'll be in Pittsburgh Sunday night the 20 whatever the 30th 30th yeah 30th Pittsburgh improv logo

this week comes from oh fuck me oh I'm so sorry somebody made us a Valentine logo that I didn't see because I got behind in reading the emails. So anyway, there's a very sweet Sunday Papers logo. It might be from Bob. But are you looking at Jesus Christ, get off your phone? What I have to pay attention to what you're saying? Yes, look at the logo. Don't you like it? I love the logo. Where is it has little hearts on it says you use the Valentine's Viking first date. It's very good though. I like Greg and Mike. Off the

Adderall. Take it each really nice. Nice details. Neil Young's hometown in Ontario. Just to give you an idea, he's from Omamee. It's an 11 hour and 30 minute drive from downtown Ontario. Ontario is the biggest province. It's fucking huge. Good Lord. Yep, yep. And you know who else lives in Ontario? I wanted to invite him to the show is Tom Green. He lives on a farm a couple hours from here. But he's doing a lot. He's doing a lot of press for that. He has donkeys and all that stuff. Yeah, I he does not know me. He he might be like, No, no, I remember you. Because we did a

couple of things together. And but he was always the nicest. And I just love that guy. Love that guy. And I feel like his comedy is aging well because you know here's the thing some people I just talked to somebody the other day who's a little bit older whose career used to be better and they are pining for the success they had and they're miserable that they're not there anymore. You had it. You were in the fucking limelight. You had, you know, whatever. Tom Green had 10, 12 years where he was, you know, married to Drew Barrymore and doing, you know,

fucking, you know, big movies. Then you can move to a fucking farm and you can still do stand up and you have fun on your social media and kind of have a new chapter in your life, you know? media and kind of have a new chapter in your life, you know? Yeah. He very briefly, I'll say like the disruptors, you know, who came along, you know, I think it was David Letterman, you know, it was like, you know what, TV is kind of BS. It's just like your job. I think Howard Stern, right around the same time a a little later, was doing the same thing in radio. Like, oh, here's a peek behind the curtain. We're a dysfunctional workplace, just like you are. It's not like Bob Hope's show business.

And there were others as well, but I think Tom Green was the first kid with a camera. I don't think- Well, you know who else was a disruptor? And there's a great documentary that I'm watching right now that you need to watch Jerry Springer. At the time when he came out, there were about a dozen daytime talk shows, all doing the exact same Donahue kind of Oprah kind of thing. And he started out that way.

And then he had this producer, which I could remember his name. It was his brainchild. This whole idea of like, let's get the most insane people and let's have them go crazy, rip their clothes off, fight, bring on KKK members. I got a great daytime idea, let's fight Nazis. Yeah, yeah. It's very funny, it's a real period piece.

Chris. But I mean, Tom Green, that like Tom Green was Twitter, Tiktok. It was the do it yourself. It was the kid with a camera way before phones and literally had cameras. And he'd do pranks. He was Jackass before. There's no Jackass without Tom Green. Well, there's no Tom Green without jerky boys

They were the audio disruptors they were the phone call disrupt they were jerky boys And when people say what were your influences a comedy jerky boys is top of the list Yeah, those guys are me and Matt Malloy still do one of the voices from it every time we see each other I don't see so good. God damn it. I don't have my glasses Just in case but do yourself a favor go find some Tom Green He used to wake up his parents all the things you saw Bam Margera do Some of the literal things he would do the pranks on his parents He took it his parents with his salt of the earth Canadians.

So conservative socially. He'd take their car, go have it painted with giant flames on the side. Yeah, yeah. Also, what I love then, I would tell all my writers rooms, I'm like, you don't have to like go grab three coffees and chocolate because we have to brainstorm like ideas for late night. Don't think of it as the biggest idea ever. And I would always

use as the example. Here's one of Tom Green's great ideas. He simply went to a pharmacy to buy condoms. And when he got to the woman checking him out, he just started talking to her about, you know, so this is awkward. Like, so you know what I'm gonna do with those. And he just brought up the awkwardness and the woman did not wanna talk about it. He's like, see? And I'm like, that's gold. No one is flipping the channel

if that conversation is happening. Right. Chris Niedel wrote the song this week. It was. Thank you Chris. Yes, Chris and it seems like you're in the middle of a life of crime. Good luck with it, continue on, follow your dream.

Last week, all right, our biggest correction by far is that Chris Denman kinda dropped, I don't wanna throw him under the bus, but the bus is. Too late. The bus, but the bus is too late. The bus is going and he is under it. He posted the wrong episode on the show last week. He put up a Fitts Dogg radio episode with Trey Crawler and me.

And a lot of people had a hard time downloading. I guess it automatically, I don't know how downloads work, but some people it got stuck for days and they couldn't get the show. We probably lost a lot of listens. Chris does an amazing job week in and week out. These things happen, but just so you know, that's what happened and hopefully

it's resolved on your end. I got emails as recently as yesterday saying people still couldn't get it. But Chris's defense he was in a very complicated chat on signal. That's so very distracted Yeah, I blame signal. I blame signal. Yeah also Pete Also, Pete Cipriano said, Red Twizzler is correct that a crypto coin cannot itself be hacked because it is part of a blockchain. However, the wallet or vault that holds the coins can be hacked.

That is how the majority of coins are stolen. Okay, Pete Cipriano and Red Twizzler, I don't buy it. Everything can be hacked if there is a way to build a blockchain there's a way to figure out a blockchain mark my words it might take a year it might take four years crypto will be figured out and I will be the man to do it with Chris Denman. Matt Rehers says please tell Mike East St. Louis is an actual city in St. Louis. Yeah okay everyone's right and I'm wrong and I'm not saying that defensively. That is true. I did not know that but I will say it doesn't matter in this example. You, no one is

calling East St. Louis like a city. We asked, what do you think the blackest city in America is? I bet, I wonder if East LA is a city also. Santa Monica's a city, but it's LA. Okay. You know what I mean? Santa Monica has its own police department, own school system.

Yeah, yeah. Santa Monica's not Los Angeles. You don't put Los Angeles on the envelope when you're right here. It's its own city hall. Anyway, but good to know. I did not know that. I literally thought it was a neighborhood. Is St. Paul Minneapolis? Yeah, many of the Twin Cities, by that, the answer is I don't't know but by that phrase I would have to say each is a city right what about Kansas City Kansas and Kansas City Missouri I mean so separate you can't even get more separate different states okay I'm Kansas City Missouri and I loved it oh love Kansas City. Yeah, Kansas City, here I come. Hugh O'Connor points out this Pogue song, the one Dirty Old Town, was actually written by Ewan McCall, father of Kirsty, fairy tale of New York.

I don't know what that means. Who's Kirsty? McCall. Oh no, she's the female voice on Ya Banna and Ya Maggot. They changed it to Maggot on Saturday night live. Oh Okay Yeah, Oh fairy tale. Of course. That was the biggest on fairy tale in New York. Yep In 1949 and first popularized by the Dubliners. I knew the Dubliners did it

I thought they covered it, but I guess the Dubliners is pretty old it but I guess the double energy is pretty old. Tour dates as I said Pittsburgh tonight March 30th Boston the laugh Boston comedy club April 4th and 5th these shows will sell out get your tickets in advance. I've got to have Olivia grab some friends and go see you too late sold out. Huh? I just thought you just said they will sell out. I would love to have her come down and also I'm going to opening day of the Red Sox on April 5th, which is my birthday. No, oh no, actually that's April 4th. No, it's not your birthday, right?

Your birthday is the 4th. Yeah. Huntington, La Mamba, I don't know what that means, but I'm gonna be there on May 4th. Escondido, May 9th and 10th Dayton Dayton, Kentucky I think people have been thinking I'm saying Dayton, Ohio Dayton, Kentucky, which is really Cincinnati I will be at Commonwealth May 16th and 17th Tampa Torrance Austin, La Jolla Tickets at fits dog comm we'll see at the shows

Don't forget buy a hat or a t-shirt from our website and you get free tickets to any of these shows. Look at that. I didn't know about that. Just show up to the show wherever it is and show your hat. Matter of fact, not just my shows. You could literally go to any standup comedy show in America with the Sunday papers fifth anniversary hat and just tell them your tickets are free.

Bill Greg Fitzsimmons. Front. No ads, no ads. There's no ads. Go buy a hat. Buy a hat. Buy a t shirt. I have Greg, do you wonder do you recognize what this envelope is? That green envelope from the writers guild is a residual? Envelope for a show you used to write on over under I got a residual this week What do you the over under what well no you're gonna guess just a dollar 29

less Okay, here's the crinkle and It cost 69 cents to send it, and it was less than that. That's my writer's guild. Here we go, front page. Elementary school educator Kurt Hinton allegedly exposed his penis in front of a class full of students to urinate.

The 52-year-old sixth grade educator in Phoenix is accused of peeing into a can while sitting at his desk. A small group of students went to the principal to report they heard what sounded like falling water before discovering it was their teacher relieving himself at the front of the classroom. Each student claimed they saw the genitalia of the teacher. Police noted that Hinton's desk was not enclosed when confronted by cops. Hinton allegedly admitted to peeing in a white can but stressed that he didn't think his students could see as he was covering his penis with his hand. Oh that's better.

I had my hand around my penis. It's not like they can see it. He also claimed he was new to the school and didn't know. Yeah, I didn't know how the school worked. Yeah, there's a different protocol. He didn't know how to get another staffer to watch his class so he could run to the restroom. Reportedly, he said that he ended up reverting to what he did serving in the military when he couldn't leave his posts So in the military he would expose himself to children That's weird. It was the Boy Scouts. He called it the military So I

Mean, first of all, if you're one of the kids, you don't go to the principal. Play your cards right. Tell him you're going to go to the principal, and then have the easiest A of the year in whatever class this asshole's teaching. Oh, I thought you were gonna say, listen, I'm going to the principal unless you move your hand a little next time.

Ha ha ha ha. This reminds me of our friend Matt. I won't say his last name, but he drives across the country every year because he spends the summers in upstate New York, so he leaves LA and he brings a big Gatorade jugs and he drives he literally gets across the country in 36 hours. He might like twice. The most hydrated person. Yes. So I didn't even put that together

because he does do that in the car. I'm thinking about he must be like Howard Hughes by the time he gets even in Nevada with jugs just all over the car, pee jugs. Because we play nine holes. He takes at least, I think, three peas we play nine holes he takes at least I think three peas yeah on the nine holes but I I think I've taken one in five years on that course when I do the nine and I'm often you see me I at least have a large coffee

sometimes a large really large like 20 ounce beer. Well it's a golf thing. I think men get off on that on a golf course. Like when I used to caddy at Nullwood Country Club in White Plains, New York, the women weren't allowed to play golf at the course until after two o'clock. That was, ha ha! I love that. That was the rule. They could not be members. You could not join the club if you were a woman. You could only be the wife of a member,

and then you could only play after two o'clock. So, they women fought it, and they got to push to 11. And then I would caddy for these guys, and if it was like 11.30 and there were women on the course, they'd pull their cocks out in full display

and pee on trees, pee all over the place. And the women would just, you know, they were horrified. Seeing these old cocks, these old white Christian cocks. Back to this teacher, what was the dumb joke I put in here. Meanwhile, women teachers heard this and were confused. Like, wait, wait, hold on.

The penis didn't go inside the students? Why is this a news story? This is page 27 in the C section. So the headline is student with his genitalia out does not sleep with students. That's what it should be. Yeah. All right. A babysitter.

Dicky gave us this story. He might have given us that other story too. Babysitter checking for monsters under the bed finds a man hiding there. A babysitter in Kansas found a troubling surprise after a child she was watching complained there was a monster hiding. The babysitter found a man hiding under the child's bed after they attempted to show the children there is nothing under there. She came face to face with the male suspect who was hiding.

The sheriff's office said after the deputies arrived, the babysitter told the deputies that when the man was discovered there was an altercation and then a scuffle and the suspect fled well these kids wish all that happened to them was that their sixth grade teacher peed in front of them this kid because good luck going to sleep ever again oh my god or going into the ocean there's a monster in the ocean. No, son, you're being crazy. Oh, am I? Am I being crazy? The kid is fucked. By the way, put this kid on the Barton County police force. He's got a real nose for sniffing

out criminals. Yeah, imagine like there's a never gonna trust that someone's in the backseat when they get to their car at the mall. Forget it. That there's never gonna trust that someone's in the back seat when they get to their car at the mall. Forget it. That there's not somebody behind the shower curtain, that there's not a fuckin' spinach in there. Whatever. Have you ever been, have you recently been, so I live alone here now that it's an empty nest.

I can, my imagination can, if I wake up in the middle night thinking I heard something I mean it's more an intruder it's not the boogeyman but my imagination get the best of me. Really? Yeah still. Do you get out of bed? No I just start whacking it and then I figure that's the best I can do. That's the weapon I got. Yeah yeah because then it's sexual assault if the guy hits you as opposed to just breaking and entering. Or I get maybe I'm arrested for like the teacher. No I I talk myself out of it. I eventually fall back to sleep I think but you know I guess I think about how easy it would be. I'm like you can feel vulnerable pretty easily

I'm sorry. Did you just call me next time? I'll come over. That's that's that's what I'm scared of All right entertainment here we go now you missed the new segment Let me see if I still have it up here and it's called it's from the ethicist and Here it is. I do have it. It's from the New York Times. And the idea is each week, one of us, or maybe both, will ask the other an ethical question that has been asked. And I want to get Greg's take. And then two part, Greg can again guess what the ethicist said. Okay. But the headline grabbed me. You but that the headline grabbed me you ready for the headline

Yeah, my husband has dementia Can I put him in a home and move to Europe? That's kind of a two-part question, isn't it? So here's the here's the short paragraph My husband of 52 years was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease 10 years ago Currently, I'm a full-time caregiver for him. I hope to place my husband in a memory care facility soon so that I can move closer to two of my children and their children, all of whom live in Europe." So that's interesting detail.

"'My husband does not know anything about this yet. My guilt is sharp over, quote, dumping him in this way, even though he might be safer and more active. Do I have the moral right to put him in care and saunter off to live my own life? Or do I have the moral duty to continue being his caregiver, having once promised in sickness and in health, I'm torn over what's right and whose rights should prevail? Well, first of all, she probably caused it. So it seems fucked up that she would, you know? Also, isn't it an option to fly this guy to Europe

and put him in a home that's near the kids? Interesting. You said you just wouldn't fly off with Paul Abdul? Well, it would be private. She's worth $70 million. I think it's wrong. Now you stay with your husband. We have a friend, the Dunskys,

their father, Ken, who's one of the greatest men I've ever met, he stayed with his wife, it must have been a good 10 years, if not more. She had full-on dementia. He was at her bedside every single day. And it was kind of beautiful. So no, that's how you do it. That's what you signed up for.

You stay with him or fly him to Europe. I don't know what it's like taking somebody with full on dementia on an airplane. You know, what's the protocol for that? Well, it's a trip that they'll always forget. always forget. The guy zeroed in on this line, which is a very interesting line. My husband does not know anything about this yet. Oh, so he has some cognition. Also, you know, she said that she had not told him. Like he doesn't know. Yeah, he doesn't know anything about this yet. So all right. this is what the ethicist said. There's two paragraphs, but let me try to cut it down.

This decision is separate from whether you'll keep showing up for him. In time, he may not even notice your absence. You say, however, that your husband doesn't know yet about your plans, which suggests he might be able to understand what's happening and experience the impact. Yes, that I think is key. Here's the other piece.

You didn't get to work this through when you were both well and having done so might have given you sure footing now. Yeah. I mean, I could never see. All I would want is everybody to go live their lives if I was Far enough along where I didn't know. Oh, no, put me down. Just put a fucking pillow over my face Oh and let it be over. I don't I don't want I've no quality of life and I'm and I'm destroying everybody else's quality of life

Not to mention whatever savings I have that would have gone to my kids is being given to some fucking third world helper who's not even from this country. Yeah. Although maybe he's in a state. This is the worst. So this is the this is what I would do. This is what my mind would do.

I'm the wife. I I pack them up would do. This is what my mind would do. I'm the wife. I pack him up, put him in a place, go to Europe, I'm with my kids. I probably start dating tons of people. And I just have a blast on the French Riviera. And then it occurs to me that his part, his form of dementia is every day the news is broken to him that I've abandoned him

because he forgets from the, it's not that he's forgotten me at all, the opposite. Every day he's like, well, she's coming at two, right? No, and they have to tell him every day and he's heartbroken until he falls asleep weeping. It's like a nightmare of a Groundhog Day. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

All right, you know, has anyone ever done a positive Groundhog Day? Well, the Bill Murray one wasn't awful. It was just mundane. It just drove him crazy. He was tortured. He was tortured. Come on, Greg, you tried to kill him. I watched you recently. Try to kill himself. Oh, really? He became an alcoholic.

Yeah, but what was happening that was so bad? Wasn't it just the fact that he was stuck there? Well, that's what I mean. Like, what if you're stuck in a good know, and it was bad, but what if you're stuck in a good situation? What if what if what if your Groundhog Day is one of the best days of your life? Wasn't there a Jim Carrey movie that was like that? I'd like to see someone fighting

against Groundhog Day ending. Maybe that's a sequel. Fighting against Groundhog Day? Like Bill Murray was fighting to get out of Groundhog Day loop. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody enjoying it being the same thing

over and over again. Yeah. You would obviously be able to have all the money you wanted. You'd be able to be with whomever you wanted, just like he did. You could figure out how to seduce people. Whatever your thing that made you happy was, you could keep learning at a whatever, farm, whatever.

I know it's a day. What was the one where the guy kept tattooing things on his skin so he would remember the next day, what it was? I know the movie, but I think the sweet spot here is having you try to remember this movie that is about memory. Yeah.

Memento. All right, Memento, good. Here is an ethical quandary for you. And by the way, the guy sidestepped it. The last line just to get back to it. The task rather is to draw upon your shared history and find a way forward that respects both the life you've built together and the person you are today. Well, you kicked it back. That's not an answer.

That's not an answer. Yeah. Fuck you, ethicist. That's not an answer. That's not an answer. Yeah, fuck you ethicist. Here's the one I have for you. You are at a juncture where a train track splits into two tracks. Oh, and this is the philosophical question. Yeah. One of them goes towards a town full of people and there is a bomb that will be detonated when the train hits it and 12 people will die or your daughter is tied down to the other train track and the train will run her over and she'll die which direction do you send the trains coming which direction do you send it in I know the trains coming you

want to know where I am I'm on the main line right outside of Philadelphia And all I can tell you is I've gotten flags balloons I've gotten everything and I have a big sign that says welcome to Philadelphia And then I go get my daughter and we go in and have the best cheese steak ever and the lines a little less The lines a little small less. It's a little overcooked it's a little charred How many people die let's say 20 I Mean I don't think that's I think the real question is it's just there's it's a more nuanced philosophical Question than that. I forget I forget how it's set up

more nuanced philosophical question than that. I forget how it's set up. Because there's the do nothing, but the philosophers are like the do nothing is a choice though. It's not doing nothing. And you've made it my daughter. I don't think anyone, I think everyone would agree you can't turn your back on your daughter. I agree because you don't know these people. Like at the end of your life they'll be like remember the time you killed Sophie as opposed to remember the time 20 people died that you'd never met and did literally Sophie's choice. Yeah right like your life did not change in any way. It's almost like we do it every day. I mean every day that we are not protesting, that the government is not helping the fucking war crimes that are happening in Sub-Sahara Africa.

Every day that we are not going to help people with malaria in India, because we have the money and we can literally save dozens if not hundreds of lives in our lifetime with the resources that we possess right now. Individually, we all have the power to do that and we do not. So we have all already made that decision. Wow, Jesus.

Listen, my advice, don't bring any of this up when you're with Paula Abdul. She just wants to keep it light Yeah, all right, let's get to entertainment Then I'm crinkling. All right, let me go back to this page and her Mel Gibson's passion of the Christ sequel to start shooting this summer. Mel Gibson's long awaited sequel, was it? Was it long awaited? It was a long delay, is it awaited?

It was a long dreaded sequel. That's exactly right. Titled The Resurrection of the Christ will start shooting in August in Rome. Speaking on Joe Rogan's podcast in January, Gibson described the film, which of course depicts the resurrection of Jesus, as, quote, an acid trip, adding that he's never read anything like the script, which he penned in tandem with Braveheart screenwriter Randall Wallace. You know, I think Randall might have done most of the heavy

lifting. If you're that surprised at the script you wrote. Well, first of all, who wrote it? Is this the book of Mel? Does it come from the book of Mel? I bet you've read, if you wrote it, I bet you've read something very like it before. Yeah, yeah.

Also, maybe it's like the Bible, isn't it? No? A little bit. I wonder if Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John are gonna get residuals on this one. By the way, if anybody but Chalome plays Christ, God will halt production with a plague and locusts and rain. Chalome was fucking built for this. Rolls already taken. What? Vizio or he the original Jesus is back just like this just like no way really yeah wow I also heard they're having a very hard time trying to find a virgin in Hollywood the only virgins actually left in the country are the like the incels. So the Virgin Mary will be a Jordan Peterson listener in drag.

You know, it's kind of like the Bible was written by AI. This isn't a joke, because there were like at least 200 other virgin birth gods before the Bible. Oh yeah, yeah. Well don't even get started on... don't get started on how many of the parables, the characters, the symbolisms, the Lamb, the Son, you know, the resurrection. All proven material, plagiarism. The Noah's Ark, all that stuff existed in like, like you said, like 20 different religions before Christianity. This is what jumps out to me. The guy, your hero, dies at the end of the movie.

The movie does shockingly well. I think I even coincidentally brought it up this week. I firmly believe that the first step towards the publicity and PR for The Passion of the Christ was without anyone commenting on it yet, I think Mel Gibson goes, wait, wait, wait. It's not anti-Semitic. And then a gazillion journalists started typing furiously

and a national conversation was started when no one accused it of being anti-semitic. All right, right. So anyway Thelma and Louise Titanic where are their sequels? That's what I want. Yeah, all right when your heroes die at the end Cool hand Luke. Where's the sequel? Yeah, he died in the end or did he just yeah. Well sequel. Yeah, he died in the end or did he just? Yeah, he well Shawshank Redemption. Didn't he die in the end? But Cassidy. I mean, every movie you can't but Cassidy in the Sundance

kid. How about how about Scarface? Oh, yeah. Everything. I mean, so many of the good movies, they die at the end. Those are some of the best. They don't let them happen anymore in Hollywood, but they'll give us a round away. They could really fuck with people and do a Sopranos season, and it turns out Tony was not killed in the diner. And you pick up the new season

with them finishing their meal in the diner. Jesus, you know, Sopranos clips come across, they're so funny. Like just I was like, did they really do that? Some of them are so god, I mean, so hysterical. Like I mean, I knew it was funny at the time. I guess I'm forgetting. Did you ever see when they take babies and they put the faces of the Sopranos in the baby's bodies? They're doing it for so many shows now, and they're all winners.

They're all so goddamn funny. Uh, all right, here, here, here's just one. I found it. You ready? Just the opening line. He's in therapy, right? I'm gonna tell you how much this movie with, um, Brad Pitt in a blonde, on a paltrow.

Sliding doors? Fuck no. I said it. Just, just that. I'm gonna tell Trump. Sliding doors? Fuck no. Seven. Just that, dude. Just that had me on the floor. I know, I know, I know. He tells his therapist, fuck no, seven.

And of course the woman's given sliding doors. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's so, it's hysterical. It's So funny. Just a couple of guidos in Jersey that happen to be film buffs. Oh my, right. Exactly.

And remember when he'd be there, his nonverbal acting, when so many episodes I remember, he'd be like, crazy shit happened. Crazy shit happened. He's decompressing. He's in a robe, usually. He has an ice cream container, whatever. And he puts on a Western. And then he just mouth breathes. And he's like a ape.

He's like a silverback gorilla just sitting there mouth breathing with his eyes, which have intelligence behind them, taking in and seeing something. There's a reason they're showing that Western, you know what I mean? At that time. Well, you know, I've heard a lot of great directors say, you know, do less. The Nero talks about that. Do nothing. And there's and there's going to be music, there's going to be cinematography, there's going to be lighting. We'll get it. You don't have to emote everything that happens in a film or a TV show. Just show presence. You have to have a face. Yes, you have to have a, you know, the soul to the eyes or the windows to the soul you have to have I think a soul or some

Experienced being behind that well like what like I? Mean Brad Pitt has it now, but like there's just some people that Don't have it and that's that's all Hollywood used to say the kid has it or the kid doesn't have it Put the camera on him does his face say something to you when it's not talking No, it's the same thing with stand-up comedy. You get certain people like you take like a Bobby Lee and You just put the fucking you see their face and you're you're ready to laugh There's just something you know funny going on and then you look at my face I got to work I mean oh you have it thank you exactly but you know when Bobby's face is not funny is when it's facing the

other way leaving a club before he goes on the back of his head is not funny at all at the improv on March 15th. All right next next entertainment story do we want to do it? What do we got? President Trump? Let's save it. All right there's so much Trump news you're welcome you snowflake righties we're not doing the Trump stories this week and that wonderful wonderful situation with our national security on Signal. So we're not doing that. Didn't we hear this for four years? Lock her up, because she had an email account.

Lock her up. This was, whatever, we won't get into it. Let's do our new section. But it's a clown, even the right, I mean to see Brit Hume on Fox be like what a clown show. Yeah. Brit Hume is the worst for him to say this now. And by the way they referenced previous calls they had done on this platform before. On that call they were like on our previous meeting on this. So they're

doing it because there's no record. That's whatever. Let's get into the new section. New section. I put two new sections in this one. Here we go. I'm going to do it. We're going to see if it sustains. Meanwhile, I haven't written a single joke, but you have. It's called the weather section. And it's it's no play on no no word play, it's weather, man. Phoenix has already hit 100 degrees. They did it on Tuesday, and on average, the city first hits triple digit temperatures on May 2nd. Last year, it hit it on April 21st. It only hit 100 degrees in March once ever in Phoenix,

and that was in 1988. However, the top five hottest years have all happened in the last decade. And then this one, I mean, how are you living there? Last year, Phoenix saw 110 degrees or higher on 70 days. 20% of the year, it's over 110. And this is a place that has no naturally occurring water. It's like Vegas, all the electricity for millions of air conditioners are all being powered by some fucking mystery. All the cold showers.

And the problem is, I was talking to a guy on Abikini though I started petting his dog and we started talking and I said something about global warming and he goes well you know Phoenix used to be underwater like that was his take from the right and I was like isn't that selling my points and the problem is's never going to be a point where we're global climate change deniers are going to admit to it, it's still just going to be like, but when whether yeah, it's not the climate is whether

but when they do what good doing act out bits and you're staring at your phone No, I'm looking at the rivers That Phoenix primarily gets its water from the salt and Verde rivers And the Colorado River to the V delivered via the central Arizona project anyway Yeah, the Colorado River is being fucking bled dry It used to reach all the way to Mexico. Now it makes it like to Colorado and then it turns into a fucking stream.

I know, I think it poured into the Sea of Cortez. The Sea of Trump, it's now the Sea of Trump. Yes, right, so look. Go ahead. Yeah, you go ahead. In addition, six storms are to smash the U.S. as forecasters warn of a blockbuster hurricane season. This year, forecasters project that there will be as many as 18 named storms, up to

10 hurricanes, and five major hurricanes to watch carefully as they cross the Atlantic. In the worst- scenarios, 2025 storms could start forming as early as May and the last hurricanes of the season in October and November could still be dangerously powerful. I mean, how close is your mom to the water? She's on the water and every time there's, well, you get storms coming from the Gulf side and you have some coming from the Caribbean right and the ones from the Caribbean always say they're headed right for Jupiter Florida where she is and they always beer off bear off at the last minute but she's gonna get fucking slammed one of these

days I know Florida the East Coast has really been lucky like it's they've all gone right around Florida and headed towards Tampa. Yep. I mean, there's so many storms, they're literally gonna be running out of names. It's gonna be like naming Elon Musk's children. You know, they're gonna be like Dude. Hurricane Dude is hitting land on Tuesday morning. I mean, we're here. It's basically April. And by October, Florida could be such a different place. I'm not saying that it's going to be wiped out by a storm. What I am saying is

people near the coast could be done. Like, I'm done. I'm I'm leaving insurance. None of us could get insurance. So now my house is gone, gone. Yeah. And you can't live on the coast of Florida anymore. It doesn't make sense. Well, Miami during like certain tides and moon shifts is underwater. This is like three feet of water in just neighborhoods when there's no storm, there's no wind it just fucking accumulates where's our movie where all the pythons in the everglades take over florida oh there in miami and the same thing happens every day over and over again oh my that's the one yep uh speaking Florida. Let's make it. Let's make America Florida. Twenty-one year old is mad at, sorry, it's a weird headline. And I think, did you give me this story?

Yes. So a 21 year old who's mad at his family drives dad's car into ocean then walks to his mom's. The 21 year old drove to the beach at around 1. a.m. on March 26 and put a cinder block on the accelerator to get the car to crash into the water. The cinder block kept hitting the brakes so the man made sure no one was around, got in the driver's seat, turned the lights on, no one don't know why he did that, and drove the car into the ocean himself. While driving, there's a quote,

while driving, he grinned and wished he could point his middle finger at his father and aunt, police wrote in the report after interviewing him. Well, that would be dangerous. You gotta really keep both hands on the wheel when you're driving into the ocean. Yeah, well, he can't wait for the hurricane season. He needs that

water now. That would be kind of fun wouldn't it? Driving a car into the ocean? Of course it's Florida so you'd probably like rear end another car. You've run in the ocean full steam you're stopped immediately by the water. Yeah unless it's a Tesla. If it was a Tesla you'd be electrocuted Yeah, remember that woman backed into her pool and died and the people suspected foul play. She was a very very rich woman Who pissed off people or is the family had pissed off people really and we were wondering was she electrocuted Huh drowned though. Yeah And we were wondering was she electrocuted. She drowned though.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Are we making Texas Florida? Let's do it. Here we go. All right. This is this story hit close to home for me.

A woman has huge meltdown as she runs naked through Dallas Airport. A woman stripped naked and stormed through Dallas, Fort Worth Airport's Terminal D. So, for loyal listeners, you all know from me that Terminal D is located, of course, between Terminals E and B. B, actually, it's actually located not by E, it's between a parking terminal and B. So I hope the naked woman wasn't trying to get to terminal C, because let me tell you something, she probably thought it was the next terminal, the idiot, no. C is nowhere close to D. C is literally

three terminals away from D in Dallas. She would have had to ride a tram naked for 15 minutes. I'll continue with the story. And this is all on a map. This is all on a map that Mike made with his own hand and loaded up to the document. And you can Google that map. It's the easiest thing in the world.

Clutching a plastic water bottle, the unidentified naked woman could be seen in a viral video Shouting erratically at no one in particular before proclaiming bizarre phrases like I speak all languages She then snatched another bottle from a nearby cafe cracked it open and began dousing the floor in wild arcs of water Before launching into a manic dance in the puddle she had just created. One person wrote on Reddit, quote, it would be super fun traveling with her. She likes to run around naked and she speaks all languages.

Are they sure it wasn't just a four year old? I've seen four year olds doing all that stuff at an airport. So I went into the story and I Google imaged it and I was expecting to see, you know, a disappointing, pretty tight, she was pretty tight. No. Yes, I'll find it for you now. It's usually never somebody you wanna see naked.

No wonder they say the police didn't show up for like 15 minutes, well that's why. They were there, they just didn't arrest her. Woman naked DFW. I wonder what what that coughs up probably porn. Well, the lesson here is for everybody when you're having a schizophrenic breakdown at an airport stay hydrated. Let me say, Oh my god. Right? Whoa! Yeah! Damn!

Here she is. She's got a nice little derriere, I think. There she is, like I think stealing the water. Move it over a little bit more. Oh my god. Yeah, and then she, wait, she's jumping up. She obviously was arriving in Dallas, not coming from Dallas with that body. Right, exactly.

And look, look at her vertical. She's jumping up to like smash the screen or something. Wow. But where was that when I was walking 33 minutes from one gate of American to another American gate. Yeah, yeah. I like it, I like when fun stuff happens. Nothing fun ever happens when I'm on a flight.

Like Tim Dillon was just flying to Columbus, Ohio last week and his plane got turned back because some guy went nuts in the back of the plane. He missed the gig, but still, something like that is, I'd be excited because I would wanna pile on the guy, wouldn't you? Are you sure wasn't Tim Dillon who was going crazy? Yeah, are we going down to this day in history we are going to go down to this day in history

Oh man, am I semi ready for this segment? You ready? Yeah. Here we go. On this weekend in history, Constantinople, Gregory, was renamed Istanbul. So it was built as Byzantium in 657 BCE, as Byzantium in 657 BCE then renamed Constantinople in the fourth century. Constantine the Great made this city his capital. The Turkish city of Istanbul officially received its present name on this day in what year give or take a hundred years.

No, I'm going to say Istanbul came into being in 1680. I gotcha. I knew I would do it with a high number. It was 1930. No. Yes. Whoa. I purposely did a hundred years to throw you off. What is that all about right? Okay, you see so many a world war two they're not gonna work 1945 what 1945 yeah, you're right. I would have to give you like within the within two or three months or something like that

Do you know anything about the here we go France and England declared war on Russia Joining forces with the Ottoman Turks in the Crimean War When did they declare war on Russia in what what year on this weekend? Give or take 50 years? 1893. Oh man, you did it. 1854. Yeah, I remember that war. Now, total fucking throw of a dart. Canadian ice hockey player, Greg, look where you're sitting. Okay. Canadian ice hockey player Wayne Gretzky, Gretzky, considered by

many to be the greatest player in NHL history. Not by many, everybody. He's the one athlete that definitively, of every sport, people can say there's a goat, there is no question that Gretzky is the goat in hockey. I would check yourself son before you go to Pittsburgh tomorrow, and start saying that stuff. They Pittsburgh. Connor McDavid.

No, LaMille. No, Connor McDavid has better numbers than LaMille. Is that true? I've stepped out of hockey in all sports obviously. Anyway, he scored the final goal of his career as a New York Ranger, I might add, I believe so. Final goal of his career and he retired at the end of that season, but his final goal was on this weekend in what year, give or take, two years?

96. I love it. 99. All right, the Rosenbergs you're going to know that was after World War Two. Yeah, we'll do this. Rogers and because you're gay. Oh, by the way, I meant Crosby, not McDavid. Oh, yeah, well, you're in Canada. Of course, you're tootin Crosby's horn. Also a Mew and Gretzky. Let's face it. And Pittsburgh. Rogers and Hammerstein musical The King and I debuted on Broadway. It was, you know, Yul Brenner. And then it was adopted into a popular film a few years later. So what year did the king and I debut on Broadway give or take? I'm gonna be generous give or take eight years. I

Feel like I Think prime time for a lot of big musicals was like in the in the 40s and 50s so I'm gonna split the difference now I'm gonna say 43 1943 oh my god what did I give you ten years I thought I gave you eight regardless you got it, 1951. Nice. Yes. All right, let's find one more here. Failed assassination attempt against the US President Ronald Reagan. On this day, it was 1981, and boy,

did you see how Secret Service can quickly cover a president and protect him. We haven't seen that since this year. It was. Did I just say the year? I just said it 1980. Actually, you got it wrong. It's 81.

No, 81. David Hinckley. I was only going to give you six months because you knew. Well, no, I guess it could have been in his second term all right let's find one to go out on Vincent van Gogh was born on this day in what year give or take 30 years 1890 you lose 1853. Son of a bitch. One more. Okay. And it's a sort of related even though Van Gogh was Dutch but he did most of his work or featured in France. The Eiffel Tower was inaugurated on this day in what year give or take 20 years. Also, guess how tall the Eiffel Tower is. It's an exact metric measurement, like a round one. It is not around a number

of feet. Okay it's a hundred meters tall and it was built in 1911. I gave you 20 years I think right? Yeah. And you guess what? 1911. I love it. 1889. Oh one year, two years off. And it's 9844 feet you know how long that is that's about 270 meters yeah that's the nice round number 300 meters okay all right all right poorly you did not a good wake not a good wake let's shake it off no obituaries again no whoa wait there, there was. There was. George Foreman, right? Yes, George Foreman died. You know, I watched a lot of clips.

You know what occurred to me? I was a little buzzed last night as I sat down to not watch a great TV show, and I made my dinner. And I had a, it doesn't take much to get me buzzed. And I, I was like, watching these clips that were coming up of Foreman and Ali. And it's like I grew up when there when Giants Walked the Earth. Those guys were Giants.

Yeah. Now, someone could say maybe that the MMA has a similar thing now, maybe. But I don't think it's the same experience for like an eight-year-old boy now when there when I grew up and it was Foreman Frazier Ali Holmes and That never mind even the other banks Hagler herns. Yeah, and then it went into Tyson But they were the they were the baddest man on the planet. Yeah. And I know you could say that now about an MMA fighter and I don't know it well, but not but the whole world generally knew their name knew their face. Right. Well, and anyway, George

Foreman was one of those. And the one thing I want to say about Foreman is he was so gracious. They would have these giants as they were older on shows. And they asked George Foreman best ever. And he goes and they were having a conversation, you know, about how Joe Lewis had really inspired. That was Ali's hero. And they talked about, you know, pound for pound Sugar Ray Robinson, you know, and all this stuff. But Foreman then goes, yes, you know, one could talk about Frazier, which Ali did, but he goes,

Frazier was, he goes, but Ali was bigger than boxing. To say Ali was the greatest boxer of all time is to minimize him. He is my hero and he's a hero to the world. And it was, and he's sitting on the couch and Ali's there and has lost, you know, his ability to talk fast at that point. He could still communicate. But anyway, George Foreman, man, was the scariest guy ever. And I think you'll agree. He became a different, warm, jovial, lighthearted person that just wanted to bring joy to the world for the second half of his life. Yeah. I think he also went broke.

I don't know if he was another guy who was a victim of King, what's his name, the promoter, Don King, but he went broke I mean that George Foreman grill he fucking needed that money and it saved his ass do you see one of the memes or he's it's an open casket but it's an open George Foreman that's great now but I mean if you want to get a good sense, there was the the Rumble in the Jungle, which there's a film called When They Were Kings, and the Fujis do the soundtrack to it. And it's all about that fight in Africa. I can't remember what country it was. But it might have been Zimbabwe. Yeah, or Mozambique. And it's this whole lead up to

the fight. And it's like there's a tsunami, there's like a not a tsunami, some kind of a weather thing that stops it from happening. It was it was like everything went wrong. And it came to be Zaire. Okay, so I hear rumble in the jungle and the titles when we were kings. Oh, and that's what I'm talking about. They were kings. Yeah, sorry. Yep. Amazing. All right. Let's cheer up. I know you know what it kind of makes me happy to talk about George Foreman. But you're right. Yeah. I didn't I wonder what he was like. I mean, the amount of shots to his head.

And then he was so candid talking about how he had just, you know, this guy Ali created the rope-a-dope, or at least was the first high profile use of it, and totally out-strategized him, and beat him, and let him punch himself out. It was and was talking to him in the ring while he did it. That's all you got. That's all you got. Unbelievable. I'm reading. I'm reading a biography of Ali right now by Jonathan Eag. I think is the guy. Are you really? Yeah. It's so fucking good. And I get I get goosebumps. The feed knows I love Ali and he's one of my heroes.

Every time that fight now forget the fighters name, it was not Sonny Liston. He wouldn't say Muhammad Ali. Oh, right. Right. He kept basically could say dead naming him Cassius Clay. And he goes, why don't you, before the fight? And he goes, you know what? In this fight, you are gonna say my name. And then you see Ali beating the shit out of him,

screaming at him, what's my name? What's my name? And it's the baddest ass thing ever, man. Yeah, yeah, he was fucking, and the thing is, I'm only a quarter of the way into the book, but it's just about how from day one He was this cocky guy who said he was going to be the heavyweight champion of the world He was calling out the you know, sonny less than and the big the big fighters of the day

He was already calling them out Uh, he would not have got a shot at the title as fast as he did If people didn't hate him. All the white sports writers just put him down because you know no no you know Joe Lewis had come before him and he was a champion but he was very well spoken he was very demure he would stay in the Blacks Only Hotel he would do all that stuff. And so so when when Ali came along and was talking about civil rights and stuff, they they just really tried to take him down, which only made him bigger. Oh, my God. And you know, on exactly the point you brought up, I saw an interview where

he also goes that he wanted to know what did it for Ali. was young he was coming up and he saw gorgeous George the wrestler yes yeah and gorgeous George would say he's I'm gonna beat him so badly so he can't touch my hair my beautiful hair in the ring he's not gonna lay a hand on this pretty thing and he's like and people hated him and they paid to go see him they hated hated him so much. And he's like, that's something. Right, right. Now he would blow dry his blonde hair back and he acted like a gay guy, so America hated him. Tell me how that biography is,

because I'm overdue for biography on Muhammad Ali. Oh my God, it's so good. All right, let's get to the funnies. Funnies, here we go, funnies. As you know, every week we do the caption contest, the comic caption contest. You give me punch lines for a one cell comic, often given to us by Jason Love, who we love.

We love you, Jason Love. Thank you, Jason. And this week's comic this past week was... Have I sent a koozie to Jason? It's coming your way. Alright. In about two years Jason. There's a photographer he's a studio photographer and he's got his camera on a tripod. There's a family dressed up as settlers like 1800s settlers. The mother and the daughter have bonnets, the mom has an umbrella, the

father and his son have cowboy hats and suits on, and the photographer is touching the son's head and maybe saying something to him. Maybe not. David Harriman said the father says to his daughter honey just look straight ahead while this nice photographer rapes your brother Harold says ever seen a grown man naked Jake says if there's one thing I know my boy lice don't like having their picture taken. David Bentley says the photographer whispers Mr. Johnson shit himself. Kelly Holmes said I'm gonna kill five Indians. Richard Butchko said okay family remember it's 1870 smile like your people who have

never heard the name Donald Trump. There Donald Trump. Jim Galermo says Billy gently reminds the photographer of the court order to stay five feet away from children. Greg Reinheimer says that's not a Nazi salute. This is a Nazi salute. Kind of looks like a Nazi salute he's giving. Yeah. And remember that guy's name is Reinheimer. Kenny Engel who's a friend of the show said just like my film the young man you are developing quite nicely Okay, you young man are developing quite nicely Ron said long before editing photographers just had to fix a lazy eye themselves. I like that one lazy eye themselves. I like that one. Poria says, Bill panicked when he realized the photographer now touching his son's face was the same man he saw

at the ramble the night before giving Greg Fitzsimmons a handjob. Whoa what a what a twist in the tale there. It's the brambles by the way, I know where you're going. Brent from Ohio said, you're sure this will make them think our ancestors were from here? Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. From here? Immigration joke, kind of? Yeah. Timely. Yeah, I mean, I like ever seen a grown man Nega, but it's a little like that's, that's what that's the first thing that comes to mind, kind of. Yep. And that he is he has that creepy slouch to him and he looks cheesy.

Yep. That's why I kinda like the lazy eye. I wouldn't have thought of that. Yep. That's my vote. I like... Ooh, fuck. Uh-oh. My computer just died. died. Oh, it's plugged in. Well, here I am alone in my closet.

Shit. I guess the audio is still going. Let's see if Greg comes back to this zoom. Let's wait for him. He's probably talking on his end. Maybe we should do the podcast like this in the future. I just look at a black box which is on the zoom and I imagine the pace he's going at. So I read jokes to his stories. I imagine he's loaded the document. Well, I'll see the document with all his dirty stories in it. Like I woke up this morning and or earlier. Oh, he's calling me. And the first story he puts in of course is sexual. It was the teacher who exposed themselves. Greg, I am still doing the podcast. I have not stopped talking. My computer just died and it's weird because it's plugged in.

But it fucking died. The plug is hot. The plug end that goes into the wall is hot. I don't know what the fuck happened. I just replugged it in. And it didn't, it's not starting? No. Alright, go ahead. No, no, No, this is fucking this is brutal. Nobody wants to hear this shit

They I was pretty good when I lost you I was pretty good. Well, we'll keep that ladies and gentlemen We have just lost our back video Feed the the zoom my computer crashed for some reason so we were gonna finish this audio I can't and I can't see the comics so I don't know how we gonna I can I'm gonna do the car I'm gonna do the comics okay all right maybe they kept my part when you went dark I don't let it went dark. I don't let it, at all, man, I don't let it throw me. Okay, so do we decide on a winner?

I think we're going to go with the lazy eye themselves. Fix it. Lazy eye. There we go. All right, great. Then we're going to go to Oh, I hear a little I hear my me you should turn yours down a little. Do you have headphones for your phone? No, but it's so low that it won't get picked up.

Okay, so now we're gonna go to the new one for next week. Wait a minute, no, no, no, sorry, do you have a new one for next week? Yeah, it's in there. Well, you put one in from snapshots Which is a guy on a doctor's table, but yes, but the Okay, but the things in there. All right, so I won't read the thing. Yeah, don't read the thing just describe it there's basically it looks like a

Shipwrecked dude, It looks like a decomposing half skeleton with ripped clothes and he's sitting on a doctor's table and the doctor's taking his pulse and the patient looks concerned and the doctor's saying something. He's looking at his watch taking his pulse to a very haggard, half shipwrecked guy, also dirt on him so it looks like he was buried. So that's your cartoon. Then we're going to move to the Lockhorns. Where's Hager first?

Hager's first. Hager's first. Okay. Hager's first. So they are, it looks like they're outside a church and there's a monk there and the Haggar and his wife and people are leaving the church, but Haggar and his wife are talking to a monk

and he goes, brother Olaf, have you ever taken a vacation? And brother Olaf says, no, never. And then he walks away from them and he goes, I'll wait for my eternity leave. And he's smiling. I just thought that was cute. It has nothing to do. It's not on brand at all. No, it's not on brand. That's that's why I put it in. I thought we'd take a little break from sexual molestation and

just do a funny medieval joke. I mean, she should be like, I get why you rape people. Like that, she should be even be like, what was that horrible wordplay? You're right, you're right. Okay, the Lockhorns. Believe it or not, I don't even know their names at this point.

He's sitting on the chair, she's walking away. Clearly they're not getting along and then The quote is not all Not all those who wander are lost some of them are just bad golfers. I Know that's not the one there's I can't I can't that's the Sunday one which has like five different I can't I can't that's the Sunday one which has like five different comics in it and I can't remember which one I liked how about the one they're out and they're at an ATM and they're yeah that's the one I liked yeah they're at an ATM and they're reading a bankruptcy and he goes if we have any money left in

our account it's because we forgot to pay a bill. That's good. I like that one. It's on brand. And then oh here's a good one on leftovers because he has a lot of good lines when she's serving him dinner and he goes leftovers again don't we have any first time offenders. It's good. I like it. Here, so I usually search for Doonesbury and then I can see the link that I go to for the list and I couldn't find my list. So I found another one. Here's the top 10 Doonesbury's.

Did I say Doonesbury? Top 10 Doonesbury's. This is 10 and I don't think we've done it again. So there's four panels. Postman comes up. Guy answers the door. The guy, is it Dunesbury with the long nose? Yes. And he goes, you rang? And the guy goes, Michael Dunesbury? And he goes, nope. And he goes, uh, isn't this Walden residence of, and he goes, Michael Doonesberry and the lovely Mrs. Doonesberry? Yes.

So the final frame, the mailman goes, uh, so who are you? And he goes, you ready? I'm the maid. And that's, that's one of the best Doonesberries according to this list is, that's that's one of the best Doonesbury's according to this list is That's what he said instead of being Michael Doonesbury or his wife Yeah, but here's the thing Doonesbury is not a it's not what you'd call a bottle like in TV when you have an episode That's not really related to other Episodes in the series. It's a bottle episode.

It's just something, this is not a bottle comic strip. It's a series, and it's almost like if you were to take a page out of a good book and just read it and go, this doesn't make any sense. You're meant to read it every week. And it made me actually think about this. I wanna write a novel. I've always wanted to write a novel. And I thought the only way I

could do it is if I put out 140 characters a day on Twitter, or X, and I did that every day for a year, that would be a novel, it would end up being like 200 pages. Good idea. But the but the one tweet wouldn't stand up on its own. It would probably be funnier than that one. Right. Okay, this brings us to blondie.

You ready? Yep. I get to read blondie this week. All right, blondie and Dagwood are at the door, and the stacked daughter and boyfriend come home, they're holding hands, and they're entering the door. They're holding hands, no. Oh, maybe not, I see your other hand in the second frame. No, it's the brother and sister, right?

Yeah. Oh, it's the brother and sister. I don't know, I see a rack like that, I assume they're gonna be sleeping together Tell me what she's wearing Okay, blondie is wearing a very sexy skirt green skirt Oddly she's wearing it's very conservative this week. You can see the shape though a white long-sleeve blouse with a necklace.

Dumpster Dagwood is wearing his V-neck sweater and he has his pants and all that. They look like they're, they could be golfing in this outfit quite honestly. Anyway, Dagwood goes, how was the concert? And then they walk right by them without saying a word. And Blondie goes, better ask them tomorrow. And then in the third and final frame,

you see him walking up the steps, and Blondie continues, that's when they'll probably be able to hear you. And in the fourth frame that Greg wants to see, Dagwood goes, well, I'm not gonna be able to hear them because I will be motorboating you. I am gonna tear that shirt from the center of your cleavage out to the sides and I'm going to present your breasts. Your breasts are going to just pop, not fall out, pop out.

And I'm going to be motorboating you from two to seven. And if they are talking about a concert, let them. They could, I could even be at that concert and I won't hear them all be that deep between your breasts. I have pants, pants are down right now. That was fantastic. I'm glad I'm part of it. Yeah, no. Sexy voice.

And this one is off brand because it's not about anything except the two kids are obviously on Molly. They were at a fucking rave. They're out of their minds, comatose, and they just walked past the barrens. And it reminded me of my prom night where me and my buddy Frank took Jeanette and this other girl down into Danceteria in Manhattan.

And I had an eight ball of Coke and we snorted Coke all night. Westchester. Did Coke all night and then thought, at one point, lost the Coke. Here's the 1980s for you. Lost the Coke at Danceteria the 1980s for you, lost the Coke at Dance Eteria, and looked around for it went to the bar said to the

bartender, have you seen a triangle of Coke because he always put it in like a triangle of paper. And he goes, he goes, he slides his hand over to me, he goes, Is this yours? And I said, I said, Yes, thank you. And then we drove home on the West Side Highway, we pulled over and did lines off a cassette tape. And then went to Rockwood, I got home at 11 o'clock in the morning. And I walked past my mother and she said the next day, good. She goes, Do you even remember coming home? She's like, you just literally looked

in my eyes and just kept walking while I asked you questions and went up to bed. Oh my god. Yeah. Imagine that and you're, well, you were probably 18, but possibly 17 or Frank might have been 17. Yeah. How old were the girls? Senior 1717. Yeah. And, you know, but I didn't have sex with anybody that's the thing. But look yeah because you're all jacked up on cocaine. Yeah. Actually that didn't used to have that effect when we were younger but can you I mean imagine how many times you were close to being violated in some form, meaning robbed, maybe killed, you know, but one more likely violently robbed.

Yes. I mean, New York City was crazy back then. Packed with people scanning the herd for a week prey. Yep. Suburban kids on blow. Yeah. In their and their mother's Cadillac. How about that bartender?

I know. Well, he probably knew it was shitty suburban Coke. So he didn't want to keep it. If it had been some guy like, you know, with like an open an open silk shirt and a white hat, and a white belt, he probably would have kept that because I was good Miami Coke. Yeah, but at any point he could have asked the other bartender, hey, watch my shift, and then any girl, hey, you want to go party

in the bathroom for a second? And the answer would have been yes, first one. Right, right. Wow, all right, well, I don't know if we can say we did it. We got through it, we survived it, And once again, two weeks in a row, we had major technical issues. Apologies, I'm in another country. I got to get a new computer because this thing's only two years old. But it's been having these charging problems over the last few months. So I got to get a new computer. These fucking apples, I from apples they suck you'd save a lot of money I know they just don't last you know Laura was Apple my sister her whole life and then she went to USC and it's very corporate and of course they have PCs she now kind of prefers PC yeah yeah

I'm done your whole life I have Apple Apple TV. I have the iPhone anyway, listen We have to go into this well, we won't bore them with it, but we got to listen we got to listen to when How we're gonna edit this anyway, I just heard it. We figured it out. We figured out where to edit it Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your purchases of the hats and the shirts you for your patience. Thank you for your purchases of the hats and the shirts. Thank you to Mid Coast Media, Chris Denman and the gang for editing and producing and posting and tagging and all that stuff. I'll see you guys next week. I'll be in LA. Now I'll be in Boston. We'll be doing it from Boston

next week. I should have pressed record on my side of the zoom once. Oh, yeah. Yes. All right. Oh yeah, yes. All right. All right everybody, take it ish. Take it ish. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together.

Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together.

Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike, Greg and Mike together, Greg and Mike. Oh, Greg and Mike together, Greg and Mike. Oh, Greg and Mike together.

Hmm, they gave me a favor, gave me a baby. Better, better, better, better, better, better. Greg and Mike. Oh, Greg and Mike together, Greg and Mike. Oh, Greg and Mike together. Greg and Mike. Oh, they begin together. Greg and Mike. Oh, Greg and Mike together.