Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 261 4/20/25

Episode Date: April 20, 2025

The most fearless pioneers of the women’s movement today launch into space for just over 10 minutes and show what is possible. We are awestruck. Also, John Mulaney talks about Ellen and a Texas man disembowels his father.Watch Greg’s new special, “You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Our Sponsors:* Check out Mood and use my code PAPERS for a great deal: https://mood.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

It's the end of the week, so it's time again for the Sunday Papers podcast with our two best friends, Craig and Mike. Make sure to give me the news between procrastinating masturbation and all their excuse. Sunday Papers podcast. Read all about it. Read all about it. Sunday Papers, never a hitch. Never a hitch.

This is for the folks at home. This is our second time starting today's podcast. Third, it's 420. Yeah, that was right. Sorry. You failed. This is our third. It is fortunate. So this we should mention right up front. Mike and I both agreed ahead of time in honor of 420. We each took 10 milligrams of edible marijuana. Okay, I will tell you this. That's not true. But I will tell you this. The other night, I and I don't really like edibles, but I took some edibles and then also smoked. I were alone,

was drinking No. But my point is, the most terrifying thing to me is if like you ever hear those people talk about like I took 50 milligrams or whatever it is, right? I know Diaz takes north of 100 or something. Well, so does Dennis Cubbins. Well, no, he accidentally took like 100 once or something. But it I think I'd be like, you have to rush me to the hospital where they have to put me make me unconscious. Yeah, just put an IV in my arm and knock me out. Because it's not like I'm just having crazy thoughts. I was so like dizzy. It was like constant bedspins even when sitting straight up.

It was like my stomach felt bad. Everything about it was horrible. How much did you drink? Hardly, no dude, I took a five milligram and I smoked a lot. I'm the biggest lightweight when it comes to that. Yeah, I know it's actually, I'm going to see ACDC tonight at the Rose Bowl with the boys. We're all going.

So jealous. Yeah. Dickie and Dennis and Fitzy. And, you know, I haven't smoked pot in probably a year. I was, I was, I was never a big pothead, but like I was like during the pandemic, I started taking it every night, just taking a small edible every day. And then I just felt foggy in the mornings. But the problem with me is I have an addictive personality. So if I smoke it just tonight, within three weeks, I will be taking edibles every night when I'm on the road. And I can't stop that.

I have an addictive personality. I'm either on or off. Even if you don't like it? Well, I take so little that it just feels like a glass of wine. I don't feel super high. Right, I like that, yeah. But tonight, you know, maybe I take two hits tonight

before ACDC, which by the way, I'm so sorry you're missing it. Wish you were there. We just got backstage passes for after the show. Jesus Christ. Our friend Chris Chaney, who we play golf with every Friday for years, he's the bass player for ACDC.

Used to be Jane's Addictions bass player, and then he did Alanis Morissette over the years. And who else did he played for tons of people oh yeah I mean he plays with what's his name sorry I am tired he did Taylor Swift at one point and he also really yeah and he also did what's her name the tours with Eddie Vedder when Eddie Vedder does his solo stuff, he's in Eddie Vedder's small group of musicians. And Eddie really appreciates it.

Could not be a more mellow, unassuming dude. Like so nice and quiet. But a great storyteller. Like if you ask, he doesn't speak out of school, he just tells really good stories from the road. I really want him on the podcast, but I don't want to ask him to be on the podcast. I don't know. No, just ask him for backstage tickets to the Rose Bowl.

Something way less of a pain. I've seen some videos online of Angus and you know what his playing is fucking he does not look good but then he plays the guitar and you're like holy shit it's like I mean I guess if you're that good it's just in you you know. Yeah I mean it's an append it's like another appendage it's just in you, you know? Yeah, I mean, it's an append, it's like another appendage. It's, you know, the guys lived with a guitar in his hands his whole life and now he's what, in his 70s? Easily. Easily. Well, I remember- I might guess he's old.

I'm gonna look it up right now. You look it up while I, I went to say goodbye to ACDC, but I brought my two young girls. I brought three kids. The third was Dennis Govins, and I brought them to Dodger Stadium, and they were young. So this is, I'm gonna say,

well, we can look it up, but maybe eight years ago and maybe less anyway. And I was walking away from Dodger Stadium and Angus was in the middle of a crazy solo, but the girls want to go, but it was, it was the encores. And I remember turning around and like saying goodbye to a guy I absolutely worshiped in seventh and eighth grade you know and that was goodbye I'm like look how old he is and that and here they are again he's 70 all right which is that it I know it's way younger than I thought he was he must have been a baby when he started with that group. I also want to talk about while my brother was here, my wife and I went downtown and we saw Bernie Sanders speak and it's so funny because I put up a clip of it on the intranet. And man, did it blow up in my face. So many people were like, he's in the fucking pocket of the pharmaceutical company. There was so

many angles on why he wasn't legit. And he should be embarrassed. And it's like, all right, you guys, I get it, you're maybe from a different political philosophy, but to malign the character of Bernie Sanders, you might not agree with him, but like I never begrudged, you know, like John Ashcroft, like I didn't agree with him, but I had total respect for him and I saw that he stood behind what he said And then you see people treat Somebody like Bernie Sanders. He said the same thing for 50 years and he stood behind it. He's walked the walk He's oh, he's got three houses. Yeah, he's got a fucking barn in Vermont

These people okay, so alright, let's let's take what you're saying. So Bernie has three houses. Who is it you want? Right. Right. And I don't know the answer. I'm asking like, who is it you want? Because we're trying to get the best. Yeah, not not the perfect. Yeah, the best. Yeah. Not, not the perfect. Yeah, the best. So he spoke and it was very moving. It was very powerful. I have to say the crowd as a Democrat, I'm a little concerned about when the Civil War breaks out. There was not a man I saw the entire day that I felt like I couldn't take out in one punch. We are such soft pussies. And then you picture the typical Trump guy like

pickup truck, mullet, muscles. Yeah, but we're but we're socialist, man. We're going to know where we never fight alone. We're fucking dead. And then and I was actually thinking about this like. These are the guys that like, all right, they're not afraid of a pill or a needle, you know, despite the fact they're anti-vax. They will put every steroid,

they will ingest every, you know, protein powder, they'll work out nonstop, they'll get hair plugs, and these are the same people that can't tolerate trans people. Like they can't understand somebody wanting to change their physical identity. Meanwhile, they were a skinny bald guy five years ago. A lot of them also can't hear you say anything negative

about Trump. Yeah. Just can't tolerate it. Right. I think they're ballistic. Just shut up. I thought of an internet movie. Like we should make a movie and the script is all the characters are just internet tropes.

Like there's a stepmom and his son as a character and you know a guy that tells you how to be like it's just a very rough thought but I think we should write that script just tell it to chat GPT man oh shit that's good I mean the reports coming back on that stuff are crazy. Yeah. Oh, did you hear that the and I should know his name, but the screenwriter for Contagion, which was a very popular movie that really people thought was pretty, pretty incredible and how it predicted how the pandemic went down. I'm forgetting, do you remember the movie can't take Contagion? No. Look it up while I'm talking. Do you remember the movie Contagion? No. Look it up while I'm talking to you and find out who the female star was of it. Anyway, you'll remember it. So he.

Put the screenplay for Contagion in an AI program and asked it to write a sequel. And he goes, it was hard to tell which was more horrifying, how good it was at writing a sequel to my movie or where it went with what could possibly happen on the next pandemic. Oh. Yeah. Really? Yeah. He was like, this was a scenario is readily scary. No, I don't read past headlines. We want to also remind people as you we say it's ad free. We don't read ads in the middle of the

podcast. We have some that run before the podcast, and I think there's some that run after it, and we make a few pennies. But we don't, we do not do ads right now. By the way, we don't make a few pennies. It barely goes to cover the cost of doing. Oh no, we lose money. In the long run, we lose money per episode. So we're trying to buffer that by selling some merchandise. We're very excited about the Sunday Papers podcast fifth anniversary hats. They come in all colors. They're like 29 bucks t shirts Sunday Papers podcast take it each.

We got Sunday Papers fifth anniversary mugs. They're actually really nice. I've got four of them. There's four different types. Very, some are very artistic. We got tote bags, we got notebooks. Go to gregfittsimmons.com or fitsdog.com. Read all about it t-shirts. Pick it up, they're 28 bucks. Support the show, showcase the show.

Then you see people that are also fans and you guys look at each other and then you look away You're a little embarrassed you walk in opposite directions Yeah All right, did I tell you did I tell you about my flight back from Florida do tell it's very short, but it was it was on my birthday, right? And the guy I'm in like 22, you know, B or something, because I didn't pay JetBlue their

extortion money so I can choose my seat. So of course, they plot me in a middle seat. I'm exhausted. And I know I'm going to sleep for LA. So I go to my dad, of course they plot me in a middle seat. I'm exhausted and I know I'm going to sleep far to LA. So I go to my dad of course drops me off at the airport early. I had no say in it. So anyway, when I'm there early, I go up to the guy I'm the first guy there at the gate. And I go, Hey, listen, I go, is there any way I do see there's room and there's seats available and there were a lot. And I said, is there a way I could just be moved to any aisle or window? Doesn't matter to me which because I'm probably going to sleep and and I'm six foot two and right. And then six foot six foot one, really.

And and I go, um, and it's my birthday if that's worth anything. And the guy kind of looks down, but doesn't comment. And then so I add, I know it's my birthday if that's worth anything. And the guy kind of looks down but doesn't comment. And then so I add, I know it's not worth anything. But so I'm being nice, I'm being self-efface and I asked so nicely and all that. He types for like ever. I don't know what was going on. Finally, at one point I'm like, does he even work here?

And then he goes, All right, I took care of you. And he hands it back to me. And I was in 32. See, like he moved me 10 rows back. But it was an aisle seat. So anyway, I'm in the way back of the plane. I'll see, dude, we hit turbulence so hard. And I thought the back of the plane was supposed to be more stable. We were, it was like we were fish tailing up in the sky. It was crazy.

Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just going through these winds, and it was on the ascent. So we're on the ascent. Anyway, eventually it calms down. Drink service comes out out or cart service. They come by and they're like, what would you like? I'm like, you know, like I'll have a Jack and Coke

or whatever I got. And so I kind of get it. And then she goes, oh, are you Michael Gibbons? Cause they know if you sit in the right seat, I wasn't special or anything. And they're like, oh, it's your birthday. So this one's on us. No way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the girl, there was a girl on the window seat and she already had her drink and she takes a drink and she looks at me and she's like, that was almost your last one. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I like it. Yeah, no, this is paying for seats bullshit. I'm flying. I'm Oh my god, I'm flying to Cincinnati. I'm doing a club and actually a date in Kentucky, but it's Cincinnati. So anyway, I got to fly into Cincinnati. It's connecting flights. And so I look at Indianapolis because that's an hour and a half away. I was like, I'd rather fly there and rent a car and not take

a second fucking leg of a trip. No can do, there's no direct flights there either. So I buy my connecting flight, which is gonna take me seven and a half hours each direction, assuming I don't get one of the flights isn't delayed. And it's like $650 round trip, this is a month out. And then I get to the seat selection and it's like you said, it's all middle seats, unless you wanna pay, ready for this, an extra like 40 to $60 per leg,

not LA to Cincinnati. So it's like another $200 on top of that to not have a middle seat on United. United is the worst with these extra fees. They were the first ones to charge you for an extra bag in the overhead. They were the first ones to charge for drinks. They were the first ones to charge for seat assignments. They suck. At least Spirit's upfront about it all. I know, and they give you a lower fare. At least you're starting with a way lower fare. Yeah, I've easily, easily paid more for a carry-on bag

than the cost of the flight with Spirit. Right, right. So, fuck you United is my statement for today. And thank you to Bob, who is one of our most prolific. As you know, Sunday Papers has a different poster every single week. We have a different song every week. And Bob is very generous with his time. This is one with us standing with Foushee. And we have the measles.

Not Fauci. We wish it were. Oh, no, not Fauci. What am I saying with RF Kennedy Jr. And we have measles all over our face. And he doesn't have measles. We do. Let me see.

I don't like it at all. He does not have measles. And we know he looks healthy. Yeah, he does. Well, it and we know he looks healthy. Yeah, he does. Well, it's probably because he has autism. The song this week also from a frequent contributor Emmett Hall is amazing. Great song. Thank you.

And by the way, if you ever enjoy the snippet of the the song we always played in full at the end of the episode if you want to just you know kick off your shoes and fucking dance there you know corrections Barclay loss says Tiger Woods was 13 years old in 1989 I think I said that was the year he won his first Masters all right well he was a prodigy. And then Flesh Try says Black Rock, a $150 billion corporation, makes way more on war than Black Water, which makes $10 billion. Black Rock makes way more. You were actually correct this time.

Oh, my God. All right. It deserved a correction because you were correct. So it's like the podcast was wrong because you were right. God, it's a double negative. Yeah.

Then this guy, Ryan Star, said thanks for featuring my art on last week's episode. If I could give you my first correction, you got my name wrong. If you could credit me on the next episode is Ryan Star. Oh, and point people to my website, Ryan Star Design dot com. Now you're pushing it, Ryan.

Honored to be part of the rich history of corrections. Take it. I don't think it was a double negative. That's already a correction. All right. JJ says you talked about going to the Sox home opener. You said they had the 75 Red Sox who won the World Series. Even as I read that, I go, oh, yeah, the Red Sox famously didn't win the World Series for 86 years until 2004. Seventy five was important because Yaz, Carl Ustremski extended the series

to seven games when he famously waved his hit fair for a home run to win Game 6. Right. Then they lost in Game 7. Then they lost to the Mets in Game 7 in 1986. Then in Game 7 to the Yankees in 2003. Oh, the heartbreak. Yeah, you're talking 7576. That's the that's Cincinnati years. Those are the snow Cincinnati years. Pete Rose, the big red machine, man. Yeah, but the Yankees were like 7778 79. Right? Yeah, Bucky Dent Dent right was probably 78. I think Bucky Dent and

Yeah catfish hunter What was Bucky Dent's big home run anyway, go ahead all right tour dates coming up Huntington home run. Anyway, go ahead. All right, tour dates coming up Huntington. The Mamba on May 4, it might have a different name, I can't remember, but I will be in Huntington May 4. Escondido at the Grand Comedy Club, May 9 and 10. New location. As I said, I'll be in Cincinnati at the Commonwealth May 16 and 17. Tampa at SideSplit is June 5 through the 7, followed by a one nighter in Naples, Florida,

off the hook June 8th. Then we got Torrance, Austin, Point Pleasant, New Jersey, La Jolla, Vegas, just announced, back at Brad Garrett's club. It's awesome. Chicago at the Den Theater November 8th, and New Orleans at Skankfest in the fall. So go to FitzDog.com, get some tickets,

come out and see some live comedy. Front page, what do we got to Crankle Mike Gibbons? Oh man. Oh, I see what I got. I got a little piece of paper from the Central Station Hotel right here in Nashville. Nope, in Memphis. Here we go.

An ex-FDNY firefighter turned only-fans model was thrown behind bars Thursday for drunkenly mowing down a young airport worker in Queens. His family yelled, put the cuffs on him from the Supreme Court as bail was revoked in a wreck that killed Justin Diaz 23 years old. You made it sound like his own family was screaming put the cuffs on him that would be very objective of them. Well 50 people from Diaz's family were there and this this OnlyFans model was slapped with a 14 count indictment, including manslaughter charges. The beefy 28 year old disgraced probationary smoke eater, oh this from the post, I like to say things like smoke eater

instead of firefighter, was speeding 83 miles per hour in a 25 mile per hour zone in his silver Mercedes S63 coupe. How the fuck is a firefighter, oh's got the only fans money yeah what are you talking about the least sympathetic firefighter ever he blew through a red light and struck Diaz's BMW I think firemen should be able to turn on their sirens when they're driving drunk can we make that a policy? Well, that should drunk driving be a lesser charge if you put a siren up announcing it to everybody maybe? Yes, exactly. I think you notice stay away.

Yeah, the lights, the siren. And, you know, normally firemen are pulling cats out of the trees, not pedestrians. So to me, this feels like... The thing about firemen is like the OnlyFans, I get it. Like we have a friend, I won't mention his name, Tom, who lived on my corner. And we have a firehouse station house 63 shout out great guys, big part of the neighborhood and Tom would sit on his porch because every day they would they would jog shirtless in the summer past

his apartment he sit on the front porch. Just masturbating. But I get it. And women love firemen because you're hedging your bet. If it's not going well, you don't have to divorce them. There's a chance they're not coming home from work every day. Can I make a suggestion which will make them all so rich? Forget OnlyFans just creating a website called OnlyFireman. Oh, right. That's like their calendars. It's an update to the firemen calendars.

That's really good. Well, there was a ladder 63 got in trouble because they were filming there was a bunch of porn stars filming down at Venice Beach one day down by the in the parking lot by the paddle tennis courts. And the porn stars like got on the fire truck and some of the firemen were posing with them and it got out and it really blew up, it was bad. It was a Jay scene, I think Tom's friend. I think maybe her brother is a fireman

or brother-in-law or something. Anyway, we were talking about it and I at some point said something like, assuming that firemen and police get along. She's like, not really. She's like, police are very jealous of firemen because everybody likes firemen. Everybody loves them.

And far from everybody loves the police. I'm like, oh man, I didn't think about that. Like firemen don't pull up to your house and get out all the hoses and be like, Oh, whoa, whoa, wait. Black people live here. Nevermind. Pack it up. Let's go. Yeah. We're not gonna help them. Police are worse. They actually seek them out to abuse them often. Well, I saw firsthand saw firsthand because I played in when I lived in New York, I played in a hockey league down at Chelsea Piers and it was the police and firemen's league and these dudes went at it. There was fistfights in every fucking game and I was on I was on a

fireman's company. I didn't fight. Fuck them. I'm going gonna fight a cop for you guys to get some ice time. And then the team that was really the biggest douchebags was the FBI had a team and their jury said FBI on them. Yeah. Wow. And like when a puck went into the corner, you just fucking peeled off, you let them go get the puck. You were not heading into that corner with that FBI guy.

And then this was back in like 99 2000 so like a lot of those guys on that team lost their lives on 9-eleven so it was kind of a bummer I played with you know Ian Bagg yeah right I was on the team with Ian bag and and Tim Robbins. I knew about Tim. Yeah. Yeah. Won the league. Very cool. All right. When Katy Perry. I love this story. She's hurt by Wendy's inappropriate jibe about her trip to space with Lauren

Sanchez and Gail King. The fast food giant snarked. Can we send her back in response to a post on X that read Katy Perry has returned from space following the singers 11 minute mission with Blur Blue Origin on Monday. Let me just say something about Katy Perry in her prime I don't know about her music I don't think I've ever heard it. She was so goddamn hot. It was unbelievable. And she's kind of gone nuts.

She went up on the rocket owned by Jeff Bezos company, along with Bezos fiance, Sanchez, Gail King and and a NASA engineer and some film producer, Carrie Ann Flynn. It took them just past the Karman line, 62 miles above Earth. Dude, that's less than driving to Vegas from here, which is considered the threshold of space where they experienced a few minutes of zero gravity. Less than Vegas. Are you kidding me? You're not even halfway to Vegas. Pasadena. Yeah. 50 miles.

Perry clutched a daisy in honor of her four-year-old daughter, Daisy Dove Bloom. Why not hold a dove? Bring a fucking dove into space. then she's saying Louis Armstrong's what a wonderful world while floating and then she kissed the ground after the Blue Origin rocket landed after the 11 minute journey quote I feel super connected to love this experience has shown me you never know how much love is inside you like how much love you have to give and how loved you are she realized all this in 11 minutes Yeah, she's she's a fast learner the doors have songs longer than that Yeah, but she was slammed online

including by other celebrities celebrities for also revealing a butterfly shaped note promoting her upcoming tour dates. Yeah, Ellen, Emily Ratajkowski called the mission beyond parody. That's coming from Emily Ratajkowski. I know I'm shocked she wasn't in she's just jealous. She wasn't in it.

Olivia Munn deemed it gluttonous Olivia Wilde said a billion dollars bought a few good memes I guess. So the Olivia's are coming out did Olivia Gibbons say anything? I don't know I have to watch what I say around them with these female accomplishments but I mean accomplishment is italicized and in quotes, if you ask me. Wait, now, which Olivia are you friends with? Mon Mon. Well, I mean, I, I don't think she'd know me now. But yeah, we did a we did a little pilot together. Way back.

You brought her on the podcast. Oh, yeah, that's right. Way back. You brought her on the podcast. Oh yeah, that's right. I brought her on the podcast. So all right. The thing that got my attention because this was fully ignored almost by everybody and deservedly so.

But then Gale King, the problem was just like Katy Perry, they got offended that there wasn't more coverage. And then Gale King goes, then gail king goes, you know also People are calling this a trip It's like when male astronauts go up. Nobody calls it a trip. I'm like, oh strike two I'm like you're gonna compare yourself to an astronaut you guys and then I'm offended that they even called themselves crew You were like passengers. You know where I want you to go next as a passenger. I want you to check out the Titanic.

I want you to go in a submarine like other dumb billionaires and go check that out. Yeah. You date a bill. You're a friend of a billionaire gale king Lauren Sanchez is sleeping with a billionaire and then Katy Perry doesn't even believe in The Big Bang Theory doesn't even believe how space got here doesn't believe in so much of the science of Space travel. So why is she in this thing? I Think I think you're onto something. I think we should have reality shows where we take celebrities that we want to see die and we put them into space capsules.

But really launch it, send it up for like a month and right before they close the doors, Kanye gets on. I think my jet blue flight from Florida LA was rougher than this Blue Origin 11 minute ride. Yep. Did you see when you got to LAX? Did you Jeff Bezos try to in a stunt try to open my door when I landed in LA? Did you see the opening? They couldn't find the door, right?

No, the door was all because of course they had already been checked on us. So then they close it back to one. This is such a scam anyway. Everybody pretend that no one has checked on you and Bezos is going to walk over and open the door, but they couldn't get the door closed appropriately. It was it was ridiculous. And then he tripped and fell down. He fell on his face. Did he really? Oh my God. He looked ridiculous. There was like a little recess in the ground that he felt out in his fucking $300 new balance. It's just such a joke. Yeah.

Speaking of joke. And also Gale King then goes, and then someone brought up, but like, you know, the privilege and how expensive Gale King, fucking complete moron goes, um, well, you know, yeah, there's a lot of criticism that, but you know, when you, um, you know, get some friends, you know, when you you know get some friends you know when you go with other people you know it comes down is actually like quite reasonable the best estimate the best estimate is that it's half a million dollars per person yes per person and she she's just an idiot. And this is like, you're really accelerating how badly people want to take out the rich. You really are. Just don't rub it in people's faces. I know they made it sound like the only

way that you could feel this sense of love was to launch yourself into space. You know, like she said, this experience showed me you never know how much love is this sense of love was to launch yourself into space. Like she said, this experience showed me, you never know how much love is inside of you. What, until you spend a half a million dollars flying up for 11 minutes? It's absurd. No, you don't know how much you love

until you're stuck in a trailer with your husband who lost his factory job. And he got 300. That's when you know love, bitch. Also, the best part, I can't even believe I've delayed it this long. Their whole thing was the only women. I don't even want to use the word crew, the only women crew to go, meanwhile, a Russian woman solo in 1963 has already been to space.

So just shut, and that was in 63, she was probably in the equivalent of a coffee can. So just shut up. Right, Mike, good point. Wait it to stand your ground, I like it. can. So just shut up. Right, Mike. Good point. Wait, it's the end your ground. I like it. 60 minutes. President Trump told FCC chair Brendan Carr that he should pull the broadcasting license and severely punish CBS for its reporting. Note the word reporting. Note CBS like the Tiffany Network, the news network that has corroborated news that does stories for three months that they there

is no everything about it is factual. So in February he signed an executive order granting him full authority over independent agencies including the FCC and the Federal Reserve, previously overseen by Congress, including firing their respective heads. Trump's demanding federal workers yanked the broadcasting license for Paramount Networks CBS and levied the harshest possible fine for what he called illegal reporting on his 60 minutes. He took issue that it aired two segments on Sunday regarding the war in Ukraine and Trump's plan to annex

Denmark's autonomous territory of Greenland. I saw this, by the way. He argued that they depicted the country and by extent his administration falsely, inaccurately and fraudulently, though he did not explain what he meant nor deny any specific part of the reporting. Also, NPR, PBS being defunded,

I mean, where's First Amendment? When are people, I get it, again, I wanna go through this again and again. You may not agree with our politics, because we're probably left of a lot of our listeners. But is it left and right to consider the Constitution something that should be adhered to that could that congressional approval should be observed that branches of power in the country need to

be separate? Listen, at my first saw the story, I was supportive and I and I agreed with Trump. I thought he wanted to cancel CBS because of blue bloods. And I'm like, finally, someone's doing something about this atrocity. Right? Why is it so popular? Right, right. Or or Matlock? Why is it so popular? Right, right. Or Matlock. Big Brother's on its 28th season. Yeah.

That fucking, who's the host of that? He is so well- I thought Trump canceled at midnight. I'm like, well played. It deserved to be put out of its misery. I didn't want to say that because then I won't get booked. Yeah.

You know it's gone, right? Oh, good. It was that was embarrassing. Every comic I saw on that looked so awkward and forced. That that set was so cold. And vacuous. And you know, and I think she's great. I think she's a really funny comedian. And I think she did her best. I don't think she's a host though. I think she did her best, but I don't think she's a host. No. Nope. I think everyone felt there was a bit of feeling embarrassed. So that hurts everything. Yes. All right. Let's get to our new segment. It's called The Ethicist. I know that's what the New York Times ethicist. I know that's what the New

York Times called it. I think that's what they call it. What do we call ours? The ethical question. The ethical question. Dun dun. Do we get a crinkle on this? What are we doing? Yeah, yeah, you're the crinkle guy. Here it is. I'm just gonna read you the headline, which I don't agree with. Wait, let me first read you a piece of mail we got from last week. Dragon Mike also fuck Mike. I live in Philly. It says actually, I'm live in Philly. But also you hear the anger already from the animal. The cocaine story. I had that happen in a smaller volume volume but I would probably do the same thing with the large amounts. Last week's story we talked about finding a bale of cocaine. What would we do? I said I would keep some and sell some. What did you say?

I admit it. I go I'd probably take it home and think about it. No. We were at college in Philly and walking into my apartment my friend picks up a bag and it's filled with tiny bags of coke so we keep it because we were stoners and were paranoid about it like it was a setup from a cop. A dealer had to dump it and was coming back and would kill us. The paranoia was with us for hours. As we may have smelled cocaine in our past a few times, we were concerned what it was. So we take it to our Cokehead friend and he confirms it's Coke and he didn't die,

so we were good. We traded him for weed and kept some samples. Oh, to be young again, love the show and fuck Mike. Liz. It is a woman animal. Wow. I totally imagined a like when I imagine this person climbing a greased pole in their hometown. I imagine it being male. Oh, how you hate the city. I love Philly. Can I just say that?

Beautiful city physically beautiful. Yeah. Okay. All right. Your question. beautiful city physically beautiful yeah okay all right your question yeah I mean I don't here's the question which I don't agree with but here it is our gardener wants to avoid taxes should we pay him in cash now this person writing the name withheld it's a a woman. Here it is. Throughout our 55 years of marriage, my husband and I have never once cheated on our taxes. Now the man who mows and trims our lawn has asked us to pay him in cash instead of by check. We have

little doubt as to why he has made this request. My husband feels very uncomfortable with this. but I disagree. This man is a landscape service of one and most likely only makes a modest income. It makes me angry to see the number of obscenely rich Americans continue to rise. While most people like him work hard and long and likely have to pay for their own health insurance. He does not have health insurance. If he wants to nick a bit off the IRS's take, it may be illegal, but I don't consider it immoral. What is the right thing to do in this situation? So they made a leap to say that he's not going to

report it. But let's just go with that leap. That's true. I think you split the difference and you go, all right, normally we pay you say 500 bucks a month. We're going to pay you in cash, but we don't get to write it off. See, like, if you own your house, say you own your house, you get to deduct a certain amount on maintenance of your house. So now you're losing the deduction

because now you can't claim it on your taxes. So I would say instead of 500, which you would have paid 25% on, meaning you would have lost $125, I will pay you $60 less than $500. I'll pay you $540. That way you're saving on taxes and we're not losing the amount

we would have paid on taxes. Case closed, next question. If that guy is not peeing on your lawn, I don't know what's right in this world. Good for the grass. Good for the grass. Not it's not. Uh, yeah, you can write off cash, by the way. Yeah, but then it doesn't have to be a paper trail so they can check on his end that he received the money and deposit it and pay tax. No, I guess then you're passing the

buck to him if you're reporting that. Like, here's the cash. You can see where I withdraw it from the bank every month and I pay cash. Whatever. Just pay him cash, will you? All right, so I got to go to my ATM and pay a $3.50 fee to take the money out. Yeah, I got to be concerned about getting robbed at the ATM because I live in Venice. What about Venmo man? You think this is

what's insane about you. You somehow think that it's like somebody who puts their hands over their ears when they don't want to hear something. Venmo is connected to your bank. It is the federal government. We've had people write us under $10,000. They had the start the or under whatever it is seven or eight. They they're not getting involved. People. What do you Trump? A lot of people are saying under $10,000. Listen, people.

I'm telling you, we're all good. Pay your gardener with Venmo if you want. I think you can tell from the tone of this that Mike has been collecting the money for the koozies. I pay my cleaning woman in cash. You do? Yeah. Now, sometimes I pay her in check, which she's happy with, but I wonder if that messes her

up. I don't think it does. I just allow her to steal a little bit every week. That's the sweet spot. All right, entertainment. Here's my ethical question for you. Oh boy, oh boy. So I take certain pharmaceuticals for my mental health

and I've been on them since I was 40 years old. That's for you because you wouldn't know it at all. So for 19 years, thank you. Yeah. I don't know if you're being facetious. Of course, yeah. It's like you still seem riddled with mental illness. facetious. Of course, yeah. It's like you still seem riddled with mental illness.

So for 19 years I've been on these same fucking pills, a number of them. I'm on a cocktail of antidepressants and it changed my life. It really did. In a lot of ways it was great. Have I lost my edge a little bit? Yes. Am I less funny? Obviously I'm doing a podcast every week. But I have to get on the phone with this motherfucker, with the psychiatrist, every three months. It costs $185. Incredible. And basically he says, how are you feeling? I say the same. Are you suicidal? No, I'm not. Okay. And then he has to fill the half hour.

It used to be a half hour. I finally talked him down to 15 minutes. Half hour was like 2.25. And so we just, he fills 15 minutes. He tells me, you know, if you exercise a lot, then you can probably cut down. Yeah, you told me that every three months for 19 years. And he tells me the same anecdotes.

And then he tells me I should take psilocybin. And then he says to me this week, he makes a joke about how he's, all right, I'm very excited to tell you about a new sponsor to the show that are, do you want to support American Farms these days? How about Mood? Mood is the only online cannabis company

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So head to Mood mood.com browse their amazing selection of functional gummies and find the perfect gummy for whatever you're dealing with and remember use promo code fits so we get the we get the count at the checkout save 20% off your first order. Got a homicidal patient who threatened the president's life and that he had to notify the federal government. And now every time the president comes to LA, the Secret Service visits him and his patients to make sure he's not going to do anything.

Oh my God. So he said to me, but you know, I hate Trump so much, I'm thinking about not giving him a shot one month. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's worth the call. But you know, I hate Trump so much, I'm thinking about not giving him a shot one month. That's worth the call. You should have paid double that month. That's the ethical question I have for you, Mike Gibbons. If you're a shrink, and you want a leader of a country assassinated, is it okay to not

give them their shot that month? Ah, geez, are they paying cash or is this? I so I had the same thing back when I took Adderall. It was the same thing, man. You had to have a prescribing MD and you had a check in with a phone call, which was a session, and it was so much money, get this, we're not going to name any names. My general practitioner, whose name you know, at the WGA place, I complained to him once he's like, he's like, I'll just write it for you. I'll just refill them. I have never seen a therapist again regarding that prescription. And how often do you get the prescription? I can get it as much as I want, but I only do it like once a year just so I have some

that I take like when needed. Yeah. Or you know, like, because and they're five milligram pills or whatever. It's like a strong cup of coffee, like a pretty strong cup, but not much more. Can I tell you something else about this guy? Oh boy. He's like a strong cup of coffee, like a pretty strong cup, but not much more. Can I tell you something else about this guy? Oh, boy. He's such a weirdo. He goes, um, this is years ago. And he says to me, God, I just have to tell you this. And I shouldn't tell you this, but I have another patient. And he's been telling me that he's got anxiety and depression. And it's based on listening to the Howard Stern show.

I said, well, what did he hear on the Howard Stern show? He said, he heard the story about the forward being written for your book and how Howard was making you jump through hoops and torturing you and he goes, and it's making him so upset he's depressed. He goes, he doesn't know you're my patient, but he's been telling me this.

Is this where you have a split personality and this is also you that he's talking to? I mean, how crazy that a shrink would divulge that to another patient. That's crazy time. And then he laughed about it. Wow. Yeah. Don't run into that guy in the waiting room.

All right. Let's get to some entertainment. All right. Speaking of entertainment, by the way, I watched the John Ham Saronet Live. There was some solid comedy in that show. And they were he's one. There's one where he's on a talk show and he's very on a game show. And he's very afraid of divulging information that would get him in trouble because he was a dentist and he had a happy life. And then what was the other one?

Anyway, I forget what it was, but there were at least and then there was a very funny commercial parody at the end stay till the end. A commercial parody about herpes medications. That was really funny. But yeah, oh, there's a film, the other one I was trying to remember, one of the SNL shorts where he plays a police officer. That is very funny as well. No, he is rock solid. And it's kind of weird that I don't think

I've seen him do much comedy, right? He did Fargo. He was great in that. He did Mad Men. Oh, he was in he was in not bridesmaids. Yeah, he was in bridesmaids. Yeah, that that was actually very funny. Yeah. But he should be doing like a sitcom or something. Are sitcoms funny? No, I was just gonna to say that's drama.

Yeah. Yeah, I think he's done more comedy than that. But anyway, he's very good. But more than more than him, the sketches were just very disciplined and great. Did I ever tell you my John Ham story? Huh? I ever tell you my John Ham story? I don't think.

Okay. Huh? I ever tell you my Jon Hamm story? I don't think. Okay, so I'm in San Francisco and I go out to do a show and my wife hangs back at the hotel because she's not interested in seeing my standup comedy. You come home, Jon Hamm's there. I come home and Mad Men is on. She'd never seen it before. It was new. Nobody, it was like one of the first episodes.

And she's sitting on the edge of the bed and she's half undressed. Like she had been getting undressed and then it came on and she sat on the edge of the bed because visually it's unlike any show you've ever seen before. And the banter, everything about it is so fresh that she just sat down and was mesmerized

and instantly falls in love with Jon Hamm does not miss an episode talks about them all the time cut to I'm at a party at Sarah Silverman's house and she has this annual party and it's on a rooftop and every famous person in Hollywood goes and so I'm there I don't know why and I'm there, I don't know why, and I'm talking to my wife and her friend, and all of a sudden, John Hamm walks in the room, and everybody kind of stops talking. The show is giant, it's just exploded. And he walks in, and my wife's jaw drops,

and he walks through the room, walks up to me, gives me a giant hug, and goes, Greg, how the fuck are you? And as I'm hugging him, I'm making eye contact with my wife and going like, what the fuck is going on here? I've never met this guy. Erin, what are you doing taking off your pants

and sitting on the edge of that chair? Again. So he pulls back and he sees me looking at him and he goes you don't remember me and I said I honestly I didn't think we'd met and he goes we used to hang out at the improv all the time when I was a struggling with I don't know if he worked at the improv or he used to just hang out there but he used to hang out. I've read the stories and Largo too. But apparently like we used to hang out all the time, but I

didn't make the association that that John was this John. Right. And so I introduced to my wife and he gave her a hug. And then I I gave it to her that night so hard. Oh, what an empty experience for her. Yeah. Poor Aaron. I mean, you need a lot of imagination, even if you just saw him. And then we became friends again. And now I text him. He's been on the podcast a few times. I was on when I was with you once way back. We talked about his St. Louis roots

and everything, right when he grew up as a an orphan. Yeah. Is that right? Yep. He was adopted. I don't know if he was ever an orphan, but he was adopted. I guess if you were an orphan, you were if you were adopted, you must have been an orphan at one point, right? I get the mom probably gave him up when that big head tried to get out of her vagina. head tried to get out of her vagina. All right. Something must be wrong with them. John Mulaney is shading Ellen DeGeneres. Quote, this is on his quote, you know what having a three year old is like?

Mulaney 42 asked viewers during Wednesday's episode of quote, everybody's live with John Mulaney on Netflix. Having a three year old is what I imagine working on Ellen's show was like. Quote, because people come over and they're like, how is it? And you're like, oh, it's fine. You know, we have fun. There's games.

We have dancing, you know? So if she starts dancing, you dance. But if she stops dancing, changes to a more serious tone before saying you fucking stop dancing right away so yeah he's pretty accurate yep and and you know what's funny is I hung out with him two weeks ago we did Largo together and he every time he sees me, he asked me about what it was like writing for Ellen, he's obsessed with that I wrote for Ellen and what it was like he's like I don't know anybody else that ever wrote for that show. What was it really as bad. So I was just telling all about and then like a later, he records this joke on a show. Yeah, I think there are more similarities. Like you, you want to, just like with Ellen, you want to put them in a car and drive them into a lake. You just have

that instinct. You also think I should just like working at Ellen, I should have pulled out. Yeah. Why? Why didn't I pull out? Yeah. It's also like Ellen and children. It's very much frowned upon if you punch them right in the face, which you want to do all day long. Yeah. Yeah. And when they get upset, both of them, they take their toys and they leave. Yeah, that's what they do. Right. Very immature. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Now she would just walk out sometimes. Both are given trophies they didn't earn because more mature people did all the work. Yes. And at least at least with a three-year-old over time they grow out of it and are not

actually less logical. And also sometimes they say something really funny and a lot of housewives laugh and take pictures. Yeah, it's cute. And especially if you like don't know funny things. Very surprising. So maybe I'll send all these jokes to john and he can use them in his stand up comedy act now.

You know, when I helped Will Ferrell does a charity thing anyway, I volunteered. It was at the Greek theater and John Mulaney was one of the standups and I went up to him because I was helping the directing the in-house cameras and video. And I said, is there anything we should know? Like, do you want to close up at any point or a wide when you act something out? And he's like, don't I know you? And I go, no, you know, I believe I don't think we've ever met. We met once at UCB. But I mean, it was like in the green room saying, No, no, I know you. But it's probably because he's checked you out.

And he sees my dumb mug sitting here sometimes. He used to open for me on the road sometimes, which is always great when I can, if I can list the people that opened for me that have flown past me over the years. Jesus Christ. Okay, hip hop superstar Drake is now complaining about rival rapper Kendrick Lamar's performance of Not Like Us at the Super Bowl in his defamation lawsuit and its allegations of pedophilia against Drake. Quote, the recording was performed during the Super Bowl and the largest audience halftime show ever with a hundred and thirty three million people including millions of children and millions more who had never heard the

song or any of the songs that preceded it says the amended lawsuit. It was the first and hopefully we the last Super Bowl halftime show orchestrated to assassinate the character of another artist. And it went on to say, then we can safely get back to monsters bashing each other in the head until they have concussions and the U.S. military basically doing recruitment videos to get your children to sign up to fight in a war. Yeah. Well, you know, the more I don't think it's aging well for

Kendrick, Kendrick's amazing, please don't get me wrong. But it's kind of like seeing an impressive guy, right? But he won't stop talking about his ex-girlfriend or his like current girlfriend. It's like, dude, you're stop, my respect is starting to go down a little bit. Like how much is this person under your skin? And why have you allowed it to get so under your skin?

A little bit like Chappelle with Trans? No, because those were super funny and those were like, everyone was coming after him to cancel him and to shut him down. Were super funny. I don't know if you've seen his last couple specials, but now it's just, he just drags it out because it gets a reaction from the crowd.

I don't think there's... I don't know. The only energy he gets out of doing these trans bits now is the recognition that he's doing trans bits. I don't know. The last time I saw him do a trans thing was a while ago, but it was at the Hollywood Bowl. Actually he was charged on stage that night. But when he was there, he goes, I know I made a big promise that I'm not going to

talk about trans issues anymore. And he goes on tape. And he goes, but since we're not recording, and I took all your phones away. And he talked about the new swimmer, the trans swimmer, who at that time had like, really want to race like shattered some record or something. And he goes, how's women going ladies? He's like, he's like newsflash silver is the new gold. And I thought that was very funny. Yeah, I don't know, maybe maybe there's some more left in that. All right, let's make America Florida. Florida man has a rough night. The Flagler County Sheriff's Office said that on Sunday night, deputies responded to the Q-note billiards club after someone called 911 to report a man kicking doors and throwing

items on the patio. Upon arrival, deputies found Corey Ferran, 23, attempting to flee the scene on a bicycle and detain him in the parking lot. He was quickly recognized by deputies who had earlier ejected him from Scruffy's, another local bar for similar behavior. This guy gets around. Getting thrown out of Scruffy's is like getting thrown out of, I don't know, name an example of something that you would not normally be thrown out of. Yeah I mean, Hanan right, right. As deputies searched for and they reported finding multiple pills of Xanax. This doesn't sound like a Xanax guy

getting around this much and then hopping on a bike to get away. Yeah, normally it takes Xanax. You just fail at masturbating and then take a nap. He was arrested for disorderly intoxication and drug possession and taken to the detention facility. And the next morning, deputies were called to say what the bail was. Oh, one thousand two hundred and fifty dollars. That's such a Florida bail where they set the bar so fucking low because they just know you don't have it How's he gonna make it if you can't sell his annex you ruined it The next morning deputies were called to investigate a burglary at the honey baked ham company

Where landscapers had noticed a broken window the surveillance footage from the scene allegedly showed Ferrand in the burglary, which occurred the previous night. He went and he stole $400 from the register and tip jar. The report states the detectives traced his movements post-burglary, confirming he visited both Scruffy's and Q-Note billiards while wearing the same clothes as the Honey Bay Damn Company. So he gets around even more this guy on Xanax. Yeah, although I have to guess a lot of the guys that went to scruffy's and Q Billiards the same night were also wearing

the same clothes. Leonard Skinner t-shirt, cut off jeans. I think they should have made the new bail. You know, we're changing the bail $405. It's just out of your reach. We know what you stole from the tip jar. Right. And no you can't use the drugs as bail money.

All right, Texas America makes making America Texas again. Here we go. Texas man accused of this is a this is a heavy one. I'll admit he's accused of disemboweling his father saying that aliens harvested his organs, you know. So this guy were he was located in his father's Jeep, were located near a state park. He had a swollen hand and a deep cut on his right pinky finger, which he said was a result of one word, battling. He told officers that his dad was in heaven

when he was asked about the victim, and that aliens had harvested his father's organs a few days ago. Another relative later told the detectives that she had last spoken to the victim, the dad, a few days earlier when he told Contreras that he was acting crazy again, the son was, and he was threatening him and also that he killed his pets. Oh yeah. Prompting him to call police. He later called to say the situation had been resolved and I bet that was the son calling saying that in 2023 officers were dispatched to the same home

where they were told that Contreras believed his father was an alien. He was spotted walking around the neighborhood. Also, the son was spotted walking around the neighborhood holding a decapitated rabbit. I listen, I'm not an expert. I'm just gonna say I think there were a few signs. Well. He's clearly not having a lot of luck with those rabbit ears. I guess you get a rabbit's foot that you have to rub. That's what it is. Yeah, yeah. Do you think rabbits have good luck? Well, like while they have their feet, or do you think they have to be chopped off for them to turn into?

Good luck providing objects. They have to be chopped off for them to turn into good luck providing objects. They have to be chopped off. You can't rub a foot as you're holding a decapitated one and think any good is gonna come of that. No, no. No. Yeah, I mean this is one of those stories where you go like, all right, take the story at face value, if you like, or let's go on Sam Tripoli's podcast and discuss that maybe aliens did harvest the organs and cut the sun's thumb and are now hovering above the earth, laughing their asses off. With a rabbit's head also. Right. Rubbing its ears, which is what they're under the wrong but they're under the misconception that you are. Right. All right let's do some

sports. You got it. Well not a good week for Denny McCarthy at the Masters where I shouldn't say not a good week. Denny won, like I looked up his earnings because the Masters is a big purse. He came in like 30th place, but he won like $150,000. So that's a little bit of a consolation prize. But we all put money on him to win the Masters at 200 to one and he did not. And I felt a little bit like maybe I should take

all of us out to dinner to apologize. But know Denny's gonna win it he's gonna win something soon I mean it was ten bucks to win two thousand dollars yeah I guess I'm not taking you guys out for shit I would say put more money on the US open I already got 150 on the US open so I when that was open guys out. It's Father's Day weekend always. I don't know this stuff. You know that. That was by the way. So that was the basically the first Masters I ever really watched. And I didn't watch all of it but I started watching on the weekend and and then I did watch all of Rory and Bryson like in and out but basically watched their 18 holes on

Sunday and like I had to check with people I'm like you know I'm so naive. And they're like, no, no, no, this was one of the more special ones ever. That was an amazing Sunday for the Masters. And you know, the thing is I hate the Shambow. He's just a douche. He's a big dumb jock who there's a lot of things. I won't even get into how many things I just like about him. And Rory, if you're Irish, you've got a soft spot in your

heart for Rory. He's making a comeback. He had like a five or seven year period where he just didn't win shit. Happened to correspond with as soon as he got married, I hate to say. But now he's back. He's left the marriage behind. Or or he didn't he actually the rumors are he had an affair with Amanda What's her name? Who's the woman who interviews you at the end of the round? You know that? Is that a rumor? Did that happen? I believe it happened. And there was a there was a little separation in the marriage shortly after the rumors. And then they worked it out. But what's crazy is she still interviews him after the tournament every time. It's fucking crazy.

I know. I know. So I was very happy to see him win. It was good to see an Irish person cry. It's so rare and we got it on film to prove it. There was a meme where something came across my feed on Instagram where I think it was real. A woman called into like a sports show and goes, let me tell you something.

My husband, he did not cry at our wedding. He did not cry at the birth of our first child, second child. He does not cry at events. I've never seen him cry on Sunday. He cried like a baby watching this golf tournament. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It was powerful. It was really great. Good on you, Rory. Let's go to... That was a feel-good win. I agree. For most people, I think a feel-good win.

All right. Should we cut right down to this day in history? I think we're going to this day in history. All right, then. This is some day, let me tell ya. Oh really? Yeah. Okay. Not only is it Hitler's birthday, right?

Oh, that's right, I forgot about that. Let's see, this one. Other notable events include the New York State Constitution adopted in 1777. The Ku Klux Klan Act. I think I think it passed in 1871 maybe the Ludlow massacre in 1914. Don't you usually ask me questions? You're not going to get any of those. I'll ask you this one because this was another one very kind of a way out ahead of a head of the curve. Columbine the shooting at Columbine High School. I wonder if they were recognizing Hitler's birthday, the guys in

the trench coats who did that. So that was on. Did they? I don't know. But wasn't it also the Oklahoma City bombing was also I doubt it could be that I can't remember. But anyway, so Columbine High School, the famous, infamous Columbine High School shooting happened on this day in what year, give or take five years? I know I can get that because I remember,

I was doing a college gig, the shooting happened that day and I'm sitting in the hotel room in Iowa and I'm waiting for the hotel room in Iowa and I'm waiting for the show to start three hours later and I'm watching the fucking shooting. And then I went down to the show that night and I said, are we still doing this?

And she's like, yeah, I think the students need it. And I was like, all right, let's do it. And so she goes on stage and she goes, welcome to comedy night. Before we bring your comedian up tonight, I'd like to have a moment of silence for the mass shooting where 13 kids die and the whole place started crying

and they put their heads down. Then she goes, and now Greg Fitzsimmons. She needed you to follow that and clean up her mess. So I remember I was still in New York. So it would have been late 90s. I'm gonna say 98. It was 99. There we go. Nice. One of the funnier, one of the funniest stories about that. But, you know, our friend Brody Stevens, and he used to do audience warmup and Zach, he did Zach show and Galifianak has had his show on VH1 and all the writers, nothing got done with a half hour to go before the show when like kind of the most has to get done. And so because everyone couldn't take their eyes off

of Brody and how bizarre he was at audience warmup. This day audience warm up there were a bunch of men in military uniform in the audience they were up here from I think San Diego or something and anyway Brody goes what about you guys you know what was uh what have you been up to and they're like we just got back from the war in Iraq but we're going back like in a couple of weeks he was like oh my god oh my god well let's. Well, let's change. Let's let's change to something lighter. And he looked across the aisle and he found this couple. They're like, Where are you guys from?

And they're like Columbine. And he turned back to the soldiers and goes, Think of the war. Think of the war. Think of the war. It's one of the greatest things ever. And this is Zach's comedy warmup guy. It's the best. So good. That's good.

Yeah, good. So all right. Another piece of bad news. Remember the deepwater horizon oil rig in the Gulf that just erupted into a massive explosion and fire? That happened on this day in what year, give or take three years. I remember talking to my cousin about it because you have stories he kept telling me that it wasn't gonna amount to anything and it was at my mother's 70th birthday she's now 83 so it was 13 years ago so it would have been in 2012. You got it 2010. Nice. I gave you three years I think. Okay. All right here we go.

Naven Field later called Tiger Stadium in Detroit and Fenway Park officially opened as both hosted their first professional baseball games. Tiger Stadium closed in 1999, leaving Fenway as the oldest baseball stadium in Major League Baseball. Both of those stadiums opened on this day or had their first home game on what year, give or take five years. Oh, look how tight you're getting on me. Now that I nailed the first two, you're only giving me five. I was just... No, because I think you know, like when the Red Sox won their last,

I think you're going to be in the neighborhood. That's why. Well, I was just there for opening day, and I would say we already established that they have not won and they hadn't won in 86 years so 86 my and they won in 2004 so 2004 minus 4 minus 86 is 1920 so I'll say the stadium went up in 1910 1912 nice I told you you get it well a little math my math is sharp today all right last one prince died on this day from an accidental overdose of fentanyl. Give or take, I mean, I think I have to say one year. I'm giving you a three year window. Give or take one year. When do you think Prince died?

2014. I love it. 2016. one year, when do you think Prince died? 2014. I love it. 2016. I thought you were gonna say 2018. I can't believe it's nine years ago. Almost a decade without Prince. I know. I know.

And wasn't David Bowie before that? No, David Bowie was after that. Is that a Fitz fact? No, that's absolutely true. Uh, when do you think give or take a year? When do you think Bowie's death was? I think Bowie died in 2017. Hold on.

I love this. Bowie died before Prince. I love it. I love it. This is what I love. This is my favorite part. He also died in 2016, but he died January 10th. Oh, no shit.

Yeah. Wow. All right. It was close. So there you go. All right. But so confident. You were so confident with that date. That's I really felt like he was after that seems crazy to me. But yeah, I guess that was a one to punch, boy. That was crazy. Yep, I know. All right, let's get to it. Let's talk, speaking of people dying, I think it's time for the obituaries.

Yeah, this isn't, I don't wanna disrespect the guy, but it's not a, we just talked about poor Prince and Bowie, but TV and radio host Wink Martindale died. Oh boy. He was 91 years old. He owned the game shows like Gambit and tic tac toe. And then he was married to Sandra for for like ever. And she previously dated Elvis Presley and Martindale was also friends with the rock icon Martindale also from Tennessee. And Farah his wife goes I just implicitly trusted and fell in love with any man from Tennessee. He even

had Presley on one of his shows teenage dance party in 1956. Aside from hosting prowess, Martindale scored a pop hit I did not know this in 1959 with his rendition of the recitation song, The Deck of Cards. The song peaked at number seven on the Billboard Hot 100. But he was one of those hosts that was an old guy when we were growing up and maybe we also saw reruns.

But we saw some lives or you know current stuff of Wink Martindale and I also love the name. Great name. That's about all I know about the guy. I think he was one of those guys that had the microphone that was like pencil thin with the big top. Maybe like Gene from um... Gene Rayburn? Gene Rayburn, yeah. Yep from Match Game. Rayburn. Gene Rayburn. Yeah. Yep. From Match Game. Let's cheer up. Let's cheer up with some funnies. Here we go. Alright, so last week, as every week, we do this the caption contest where you guys write in a punchline for a one frame comic strip that we give you. We then look at them the next week and we award a Sunday paper

scoosy to what we deem to be. Now it's not categorically the funniest. We are obviously have our own experience of what we think is funny. We get so many great ones. They don't all make it in. Many of them don't make it in. But the ones that do we judge. Last week's was kind of a chubby dude leaning on a golf bag with a beer and a cigarette in his mouth while he watches his friend hit a shot and they're on a golf course. So this one comes from Sean Jesus Christ Greg that's your fourth mulligan or a Jesus Christ Gibbons that's your 15th beer pick one. You mean gubbins? Jesus Christ gubbins that's your 15th beer PS I'm from Canada no koozie just playing along well guess what Sean no koozie for you

And it's not cuz you're from Canada Jason Koozie I gotta deal with that Jason Cobb says I miss strippers and cocaine Okay Ryan Timberlake says armed with a picture of his new jet ski, Jerry takes off to find the cute beer cart girl who definitely wanted some. You know what he's referring to? I didn't even see it. The cart in the upper left. Oh yeah, there's a cart flying by in the background. All right, little wordy, but I like the idea. Dan says this is taking forever. I wish I was one of the other

caddies who are running a train on his wife right now. Whoa! Damn. Jason LaFawn says Pebble beached whale. Guy's fat. Kenny Engel says did you hear last week's Sunday Paper podcast? The setup of the next cartoon caption contest left me woefully uninspired and comedically barren. Oh that's a long one. That is long there Kenny. Frank Kehoe said the Penn Mar Invitational was once again extensively delayed this year as Dennis Gubbins attempted to enforce every single insignificant golf rule. I can already hear Dennis screaming about he likes to wave a lot of golf rules and he gets angry about it Brian Rochelle says you know the deal make this birdie and I'll postpone your tariffs for a week all right is that fat Donald Trump with the black hair I guess

the implication here Pat McGroin the moment I get the divorce papers I'm going to quit this stupid fucking game. Interesting take Pat. Brian says John Daly's diet has done wonders for my golf game. Yeah guys drinking. And bringing up the rear Kelly Holmes says I'm glad I lost custody of the kids. And the winner is nobody this week. Not a strong it was not a good it was not a good comic I didn't give you much it's a very pedestrian scene there's no hook there's no angle it was just up to you to come up with a golf joke and you somewhat did yeah I don't think it also

looks like he's hitting away from the hole I might have done something about that like it clearly the flags straight up behind the fat guy. We don't have to spend time on this. No winners, sorry, no winners this week. I don't dislike Pebble Beached Whale. But he's not laying down. It's fat. Huh?

He's fat. Okay. I don't think you should penalize him. I think you got to give one of them a guy. What are you hoarding koozies now? One could say I am because I haven't mailed any out in a little bit. Probably a month. So which one would it be? I think it would be Pebble Beached Whale by Jason LaFond. Done.

Okay, done. Congratulations, Jason. You are the king this week. Let's get to next week's, which is a little bit more evocative, I hope. We've got a gentleman who looks like he is about to commit suicide. He is on a ledge outside a window. He's a bald guy with glasses and he's looking down. He looks scared and reaching out of the window is a cameraman with a news camera and a news interviewer with a microphone and they're talking to the man who's on the ledge yep I think that describes it perfectly now let's get to a professional comic this was Hager and Lucky sitting on a couple chairs Hager goes on board Lucky goes me too me too. We need some excitement. Second frame they're walking out the door and

Hager goes, let's go out and make poor choices. Oh, is sexual molestation a poor choice or is it just your job description? I didn't, yeah. They're gonna go out and respect women I think. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yes, we're gonna go out. We're going to help a woman home. We're gonna protect her from a marauder. Yeah Yeah, okay The lock horns Loretta has got her arm around Leroy and she goes you have to learn to laugh at yourself Leroy I can't do everything arm around Leroy and she goes you have to learn to laugh at yourself Leroy I can't do everything getting back to golf which might give me a little PTSD right now Leroy and Loretta are walking down the fairway and she says you do

know the point of golf is to play less golf there There you go. I like that. Yeah. No, that's why I say like, I get my money's worth out there. I mean, I am chewing up that course. The man swings, I'm taking so many more swings than anyone else. There should be a surcharge. What a day.

Yeah. Okay. I'm back to Doonesbury. I went back I found the list. This Oh, I forget what number this is. It doesn't matter as we all know, but there's four frames. And they're that's Doonesbury. Is that what they call him the guy with the straight long nose? Yeah, I think I have no idea. And there's four kids, diverse little group around them, four kids. And one kid goes, you mean another rejection came through? Miss Caucus? Oh, it's a woman. What? Yeah, that's not Doonesbury. I think that's a woman.

What? Yeah, that's not Doonesbury, I think that's a woman. That's a woman. I think so. All right, you mean another rejection came through, Miss Caucus, and then, I don't know, isn't that maybe Miss Caucus saying shh? No, it's another kid says shh. Do you see the problems already?

Yes. And then the man, I'm gonna call him a man. He's a woman. Yep, a big fat no. We're only in the first frame still. So now we're in the second frame. They let Donald, so this is the man woman saying this. They let Donald Segretti into law school.

They let John Ehrlichti into law school. They let let John Ehrlichman into law school. They let john Dean in. But will they accept Joan caucus? Nope. No way. Oh, yeah, you see, Miss caucus is the one rejected, but they're asking this guy Doonesbury about it. So in the third frame, there's no words, thank God, he just hangs his head. And then in the final frame, bringing it all home, the original kid goes, must be rough when all your friends get in like that. And then the kid goes

shh, again, and Doonesbury goes he he there you go that's fun huh they're teasing me first of all I think that's miss miss caucus the whole time I believe that's a woman who looks a little bit manly no you're gonna get all the notes they're talking to Doonesbury another rejection came through who was the rejection miss Miss Caucus. I think I bet she was like a nominee for the Supreme Court. I'm gonna look it up. No, she's trying to get into law school. Jesus Christ. No wonder you don't think it's funny. You can't follow a simple comic strip. It's the furthest thing from fucking simple this piece of shit. All right, let's get to simple. Dagwood, a simple

ton, a ton of simple is sitting on the chair watching TV. And blondie who's dressed up in a maroon top, which I love a black silk skirt and some white shoes. She goes, I'm going shopping dear and he goes, Okay, honey. And then as she's walking out, she goes, I'm going shopping dear and he goes, okay honey. And then as she's walking out she goes, you're gonna have to make dinner for yourself tonight. If that's okay, what the fuck does that mean? As if he was gonna demand dinner and she was gonna cancel her plans? If that's okay, that's some weak 1950s housewivory. And he goes, not to worry, I can fend for myself and then we

get to his friend Herb who gets a phone call and he goes it's dag he wants to know what's for dinner and if we feel like some company I mean look at her breast in that second frame the profile of that breast. It's almost triangular. It's almost like an Egyptian sculpture. It's so firm and buoyant. She is gifted. She's got something. If that's okay. Jesus Christ. Let me tell you a thing or two about this caucus character. Yeah, he had a book dare to be great miss caucus. It's called a Doonesbury book. And then Wikipedia has its own entry called Joni caucus. Is there a picture? She's a fictional character in Trudeau's comic strip. She spent several years living with the other characters while running a daycare service

for local children. Yes, she's surrounded by children. It's Ms. Caucus. While running Walden Daycare Caucus sends off applications to several real life law schools. She eventually receives her JD from UC Berkeley and moves to care. A lot of detail here. That's not her though. Okay, the first line, you mean another rejection came through, comma, Ms. Caucus question mark while addressing the person sitting in front of him?

Maybe it is her. Okay, thank you. They have the same nose. You know what it is her. Okay, thank you. They have the same nose. You know what it is? He only knows how to draw one type of nose, this fucking guy. All right, we're beating it to death. The truth is, folks, you can be involved in the podcast. Send us your songs.

Send us your logos for the show. We love you for doing that. I do think Ms. Caucus was trans. You can also pick up some fun merchandise for the fifth anniversary. Go to Fitzdogg dot com. Scroll down just a bit and click on the link to get the merch. Support the show on anything you want to promote, Mike. Yeah, fucking cocaine, man.

I need it. I don't know why I'm so tired. No, what do I want to promote? Yeah, I already did it, man. I already did it. You know, I want to give us an L a shout out. Those three things made me laugh really hard on John Hamm's episode. Can't wait to watch it. All right. Well, enjoy the rest of your trip and we'll catch you next time. Take it easy. Take it easy. Take it ish! Take it ish! Looking for the ultimate online casino experience? Step into the BetMGM Casino app, where every deal, spin and goal brings Las Vegas excitement into the palm of your hand. Take your seat

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