Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 262 4/27/25

Episode Date: April 27, 2025

Notes from the AC/DC concert, The Tiger King gets married (to a gay guy), Bieber is in a cult, and a man pretending to be Jesus is injured falling off a cross on Easter.Watch Greg’s new special, ��You Know Me” and subscribe on YouTube!Email caption submissions to [e-mail] subject line: “Comic Contest”Get the Sunday Papers coozie: Venmo: @gibbonstime $10 In the Venmo notes, put your name and address Get in touch (or send logos/songs): [e-mail] Mike on Venmo here: https://venmo.com/u/GibbonsTimeMake sure to follow Greg and Mike on Instagram: Greg Fitzsimmons: @GregFitzsimmonsMike Gibbons: @GibbonsTime Our Sponsors:* Check out Mood and use my code PAPERS for a great deal: https://mood.comAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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important safety information. It's Sunday papers time to read the news with Greg and Mike. Sir, it's hard for you to bring a smile to your face. So you know. Three, two, one. So, okay. Read all about it. Read all about it! Read all about it! Hear ye, hear ye!

Get your daily news, your weekly news. I mean, that's the thing, people. Let's just go through what this show is. We go through the news of the week. We pick the biggest, most important stories, and then we tape them three days before the show airs, just so they're super fresh. You know ADD Kids?

There was no segue there, speaking of ADD. You know they have fidget toys and stuff like that? Sure, I got one right here. Yeah, or they have to doodle, which does help, like doing something else. Well, anyway, here's my new fidget toy. You ready? Because of my bat, you know, those the physical therapy, plastic essays.

Yes. Is this distracting when I'm talking to someone? This is my fidget. Just jamming this thing right into the nuts. How's it feel? Feels good. I cheaper one than at the place where I go. Every writing job I've ever had,

they have made allowances for my ADHD. I pace, I do sudokus, crossword puzzles. Sudokus while writing. While in a writer's room, I do sudokus. Good Lord. Hey, you know, am I getting jokes in the script? That's all they give a shit about. Are you getting more job offers?

Nope. I think the writing's on the wall. Oh, the writing's not on the page. No, I mean, not like obsessively, but you know, I do a few a day and I definitely pace in the back of the room. Pacing is fine. You know, one thing in the practical advice category of what I give my USC students, because, you know, in theory, it's like one of the harvards of entertainment,

you know, although other universities are definitely catching up. But anyway, the practical advice I can give them is I go, OK, listen, and reveal that you have good handwriting because you will be at the board all the time. Oh, right. And it's true. This girl, this woman, I should say, of course, on my sitcom had, I mean, the best handwriting and it's kind of like having a neat room or whatever it is. It just, we thought the outline was better in her handwriting but like my handwriting you'd be like oh this needs a lot of

work like this is this is thrown again hers immediately made it look like I think we're ready for air I think well we should understand the board means there's a cork board with a bunch of index dry erase board or a dry erase board whatever but yeah when I my office I had an office at the Santa Monica of index cards. Dry erase board. Or a dry erase board, whatever. But when I, my office, I had an office at the Santa Monica airport for like, I think 12 years. And then I got kicked out because they're making pickleball courts. Have they torn it down yet, by the way?

No, that's the funny thing. We got kicked out a year and a half ago, but I still had the key and my office just sits there empty. So I was doing a script for Bill Burr last year with another guy and we would just go there. Once every couple of weeks we'd go in and the entire wall just had index cards. We had the whole outline of the script on the wall. We had two chairs, a table and a coffee maker. And worked rent-free for a year and a half in this office.

So weird how they just throw away money like there's a year rent times how many offices you know. Right I know. Free money for them but anyway yeah so when there's story and all that you put up whether it's index cards with your handwriting or you put up the story act act one, act two, act three, hear all the scenes. Anyway, don't show them you got good handwriting, because you will be up there. Don't do it.

Also, good handwriting, bad handwriting shows creativity and genius. Good handwriting just means you worked really hard at Harvard. So you missed it. ACDC last weekend, Chris Cheney, our golf buddy was playing bass for the band ACDC. Unbelievable. In front of 60,000 people at the Rose Bowl. And the joke I kept making after the show is why they kind of mailed it in because it was the complete opposite of mailing it in.

Angus was doing that duck walk, that one-legged, leather-leg straight, all the way up the runway. There was a set of stairs behind the stage with a raised stage that he would go up and down while wailing on a solo. There was a set of stairs behind the stage with a raised stage that he would go up and down while wailing on a solo. And I mean, the whole band just sounded amazing.

I mean, literally they sounded as good as they ever have. And you know, Angus is 70 years old. I was just looking up his age. I know we said it last week, 70, yeah, incredible. And the other guys are older. And then you got Chris Chaney, who, you know, you don't normally pay a lot of attention to the guy playing bass in a band until it's your friend.

It's insane what he's doing. Because when Angus does a solo, Chris's job is to just hit one or two or three notes as fast as your fingers can possibly be hitting them for about 10 minutes straight. It's so intense. And he just, he didn't miss a note. Nobody did.

It was amazing. And then we went backstage. He got us the VIP green room tickets. And Axl Rose was there. Slash was there. We got to meet everybody. A bunch of old rockers. Just everybody's in black jeans, black boots, tons of tattoos, very good hair plugs. And we hung out there. Except Mikey. Except Mikey.

Except Mikey. Who's in shorts and I think he was stretching. Mikey, did you hear this? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he was doing yoga stretches in front of all these guys. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I got a picture, oh damn it, it's in one of our text chains. But what is up with that?

It was hilarious. Well, it was very chill. It was a chill green room. We all got blow jobs. We did some cocaine. It was everything that you hoped that an ACDC backstage would be. So chill, so chill.

Yeah. That's amazing, man. And you know, I'm going to miss them. And I think I've even missed. They're in Vegas tomorrow night, which is Friday night for everybody listening. So it already happened.

And then they're in May, they're in Nashville, but I don't think I'm there. So I've really managed to avoid them, man. I was shocked that I knew, they played for two hours and 15 minutes. And I think there were two songs that I didn't know. And Dickie, who I was standing next to, was singing the words to every song.

He must be a fanatic or has a really good memory, but like. Oh wait, I know all the words. To two and a half hours worth of songs? Yeah, probably close to 20 of their songs. All right, what are the words to Hell's Bells? No, I mean I can sing along, but I mean, if I had a focus, rolling thunder, power and rain, you're coming on like a hurricane,

you're only young but you're gonna die, I know I missed a little, but can sit and what I'm singing along I totally would yeah Oh Dirty Deeds TNT For those about to rock It's a long way to the top all of back in black. Yeah is imprinted on my brain Yeah, so off back in black. They're paying they're playing no less than six songs, probably. Oh, no, I think they played every song I think they played every song on back

in black. No, I can guarantee that didn't happen. But anyway, it's a made there it and it's just fun. That's the thing about it. You know, you're just going to have a perfect kickoff to summer. You're at the Rose Bowl Stadium show. Yeah. Nothing but good vibes. Yeah, it was great. And then and then we had Easter on Sunday. You were in Nashville with your fiance. Yep. How was that? It was good. They host a big Easter egg hunt and her dad is kind of famous. There's like a gold egg. There's a silver egg and a bronze egg. Each of those come with money.

And then he, you know, and the kids know that and they remember it from the year before. And then for, this is my third year, I think. He's like, oh, bronze egg, that's $10, Mike, give me $10. And then the gold egg, I think is 20. He's like, Mike, where's my, and so I just knew, like I just showed up with cash in my pocket, which is getting pretty rare these days.

And he just, yeah, no money. And then- Wait, wait. So he's the guy who everybody goes, oh, look, you know, he's the rich, famous guy is putting money in the eggs and it's you? Well, no, you get it handed to you when you turn in your egg and yeah, yeah, it's me. And he gives, you know, the clues, which he used to give in Haiku. Kids don't know it's Haiku, but it is. And so he makes them rhyme now anyway and gives clues because the gold, silver and bronze are harder to find.

All right. Another thing is last year he's like, I think this is a pretty good hiding spot for the gold egg. I'm like, where? And I'm looking at his eyes and he's looking down. I'm like, I think this is a pretty good hiding spot for the gold egg. I'm like, where? And he's looking at his eyes and he's looking down. I'm like, what? And he's in his front pocket. Now, there are tiny kids running all around. So I start laughing and he just looks right at me.

I'm like, man. And he's expressionless. I'm like, he's funnier than I gave him credit for. And he's not deadpanning it. He's looking at me like, what, you don't think so? I'm like, in your front pocket, is this a joke? Like, little kids have to feel all the fun in their pants to get the egg?

Wow. I know. Strong, strong. Yeah, we did, what did we, the Malloy's had some people over, just some neighbors. It was kind of a last minute thing. Me and Aaron and another couple were gonna take mushrooms and go to a park, but then the Malloy's invited us over,

so we just went over there and every it was 420. So everybody at the party and I think there was 13 people all took edibles. And hung out pretty, hung out pretty late. And it was a very great, you know, it's one of those special nights where you just go like, wow, that was really special, you know, like, these are our friends that, you know all of them very well yourself. They were all there, Ken and Beth and Alex and Liz and Josh and Rachel and- That's great.

Yeah, it was really fun and good food. All right, before you get to your Home Depot, I made a little errand this morning. So I go in the airport, they're like, get out of line. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm like, you're not TSA. I'm like, what the hell I'm not. Anyway, my birthday just passed, as we know.

Happy birthday. And global entry and TSA, whatever, all that stuff, your known traveler number, all just no warning, they're gone. I didn't get an email saying it's come whatever. So I'm like, okay. And then I went in, what do you mean, like on your ticket, it just didn't show up? Right? It's gone. As soon as it expires, the system has it, you know, it just removes it. Okay, God. So anyway, I asked them someone they're like, Oh, well, it was your just your birthday., They're like, OK, you're conditionally approved. I'm like, all right, what's the condition? And they're like, interview.

I'm like, oh no. It's my third interview with these people. It's because you stole a car in college. No. So they fingerprint you again in case you've been arrested since. So anyway, I'm there. I have a little attitude, but then I'm like, all right,

I shouldn't have attitude. It's this nice woman who seems a little attitude, but then I'm like, all right, I shouldn't have attitude. It's this nice woman who seems a little inexperienced and shocked she hasn't been fired by the government yet. So anyway, I'm like, okay, try to lighten it up because you just were like asking and you probably didn't realize what your face looked like when you asked why the fuck am I down here for another interview?

So she goes, any travel within the last two years? And I'm like, yeah, you know, I visited my daughter in Amsterdam and then went to Spain, but and then she kind of looks at me. She's like, anything else? And I'm like, no, I go, I don't think so. And she's like, Canada. And she said in such a way. And I forgot, I forgot out of Boston I did a little you know we went up to Nova Scotia to my find my dad's mom's house and I was like oh Canada and I go I thought you guys didn't consider that a country and nothing nothing no zero bad that's a bummer. And I was like, oh no, like am I with the bad attitude

that preceded this? And now I just basically, I guess she took it as an insult. I'm like, I'm not getting approved. You will. Well, yeah, especially when I walk up and the security guy goes, Fitz Dogg. That's what happened last time. Hey, if I were you. You'd rubber stamp me. If I what happened last time. Rubber stamp me.

If I were you, I would go on global entry. Well, you've flown TSA, I guess, since your birthday, but make sure. Well, and make sure also your credit card pays for it because that's part of your, I know you got that Amex thing. Oh, they pay. Oh yeah, it's totally free.

I have spent the last two days now three days working around the house. And I got to say something, you know, our house was in disrepair for many years. We just like, we just let our lawn go is decomposed granite, it was just tired. And we did a bunch of planting and we put down like a whole new back patio. And I got to say, I'm loving my house and my yard. We just bought a couple new sheds.

We had these old broken down sheds and I assembled them and I felt like a fucking man. And I spent a lot of time going to Home Depot. Get off the shed. Remember that Will Ferrell character? He's trying to have a conversation with wine around the barbecue, but he keeps getting distracted by his kids. And he's like, get off the shed! Like, he just keeps screaming. And so, I spent a lot of time at Home Depot,

and I kind of had an epiphany, which is if you're in Home Depot and you're alone as a guy, especially if you're wearing Timberlands and a worn out t-shirt, you feel like such a man. And then if you go with your wife, you feel like a total cuck because you're always four steps behind her. She's rejecting shit. You're trying to put into the basket. You're doing the closet aisle, closet. I well, I know every aisle. If you you're a guy you go in and you you find it and you leave women do it like it's a grocery store and they go up and down

every aisle and ask other men where shit is no excuse me do you know where the bathroom aisle is and could you do me better than my husband in front of him? And do you have a chair I could buy him so he could just sit there and watch? And then there's a third guy that's gonna videotape it while he cries. Yeah. No, so it's good. I liked building some stuff. I bought some new plants. I put down a Rug I did a bunch of shit. It was great. I think we all want to know what's it like cuz listen, I'm pretty I I'm average

Handy for handy people I'd say an average handy there are jobs I immediately know there's a ceiling whether it's like I even tiled a whole table and I realized you know the tiling you have to do this isn't just one sat at the gate watching YouTube you know like that I don't have that skill but I can replace all the faucets even pipes under the sink I whatever and I make a lot of mistakes. And the old measure twice, cut once, it's remarkable how often I think I have it so buttoned down.

And I've, yup, that piece is going to go on the inside of that two by four. You got to subtract an inch and a half from the length, blah, blah, you know, like all that stuff. What is the Fitz Dog dog like when he's assembling and trying to be buttoned up? Well, you know that I was late for the podcast because I have ADHD. And if you give me a project,

and I think you described your brother-in-law in this way, if you give me a single project with some instructions, I will lock in for hours, lose track of time, not answer my phone, and generally get it done. Like I built, it started off as a small tree fort in the yard, and I don't know if you remember, it took up half the property by the time I was done. I just kept going to Home Depot, buying more wood,

definitely measuring twice. I really bought power tools and painted the shit out of it. No, I'm good. I'm good. RG I think you got addicted to feeling the rare times of feeling like a man. Well, it was also I had scripts do every time I had a script do I would find a project to do and I would get and I would be like, where is this energy coming? Yeah, you're not gonna build on act two. Fuck that. Exactly. Yeah.

Yeah, we're not gonna polish that. I'm gonna polish the fucking two by four that's holding the roof on. Yeah. But I don't have expertise. I can't do plumbing at all. I don't even try because I feel like, all right, maybe I save 200 bucks and then the pipe leaks

and I have to rip my walls out because there's black mold, you know? Right. But I do anything carpentry related. I'll give it a shot. I did tile a table also, that's fun. Yeah, and I'm not asking for a lot of credit. Thank God it wasn't a vertical plane,

like, you know, tiling shower walls or something. Yeah, yeah. The spacers and everything, I'm like, I don't think I would handle that well. Speaking of scripts, we do this thing where like, you know, Erin spent some time in the film world and she, when we watch movies or TV shows, which we do a lot of, it's amazing how much time we spent on the couch watching,

watching binge watching series at this point. Well, I thought you were gonna say searching for what to watch. That's another big one. No, I need some new series. If anybody has some new series, and don't send me shit. If you think there's a great series.

Okay, did you try Friends and Neighbors, John Hamm's new one? No. There's a lot of chatter. Someone's gonna recommend it to you. Listen, it's okay. It's a lot of that rich porn, you know, with the crazy house and cars.

It's, I don't know. People can tell me differently to stay with it. They already showed me what's going to happen. It's literally the first frame. So that's their device. Then they now it's a season building to that kind of like a white lotus. They show you how it ends first. So anyway, right now, with some mystery, exactly like white lotus.

You don't know. You don't know everything. So you're interested. So anyway, right? No, with some mystery exactly. Like way Lotus, you don't know. You don't know everything. So you're interested. So but no, I watched two. And it's the characters seem very simply written and two dimensional. Yeah, maybe even one. We're watching what are we into right now? There's a new season of fuck. We're watching this shitty one. It's got it's got Nicole Kidman in it. And it's so bad that we can't stop watching. It's made by that guy, Sheridan. Randall Sheridan or whatever. He did Yellowstone in 1823.

He's got like four series on the air right now. I love, no, take that back, I do not love Landman. I love Billy Bob Thorne that I say, I could watch him read a phone book. Here's the catch, Sheridan cannot have written that phone book, that's the only catch. I can't- He's so bad.

He's so bad. And I feel the same way. We watched Land Men until we couldn't watch it. We were only watching to see Billy Bob. The casting was awful. The direction was all, everything was a disaster. Everything, you know what he gets? Cinematography.

He shoots beautiful shows. Yeah, and the music is really well used, obviously. Like he puts artists on the charts. But it's just like, especially the women, and I don't know if it's like a Southern thing, but especially the Texas thing and the land man's like, hey, darlin', but they, well, no, not if you never do it. And they're loaded with a joke,

and it's just macho bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's way too macho. And then, yeah, so we're watching this show that's so bad. It's called Nicole Kidman, Lioness. And it's like, you know, there's CIA operatives doing impossible things, and it's just great Escapist TV which you need once in a while. All right, well, friends and neighbors,

I bet, I think Erin, because I think Erin likes Jon Hamm. Do I have that right? She is quite in love with Jon Hamm. Okay, yeah, yeah, you've told me that. So maybe, and listen, it's not bad and all that. But here, you ready? Let's make this very specific and we'll move on.

I'm thinking about watching a well-known, established, that it's a great series. Something like, oh man, oh, a couple on HBO. What was the one that took place in the Atlantic? Slow Horses? Oh, I should just go back to Peaky. No, I watched Slow Horses. I'm talking about a little older, so I'm doing Peaky Blinders, I should just go back to peaky. No, I watched so I watched stores I'm talking about a little older like so I'm doing peaky blinders

I should just get back to that but then what's the one in Atlantic City with boardwalk Empire? Definitely worth rewatching re never saw it the first time. Oh my god. I love it It's great cat a lot of people started on that show and kind of got famous from not I don't know from it But since then never did deadwood never and then there's another one is amazing oh shit all right so there i'm sad but then if anyone has ones like that like wait like first you'll be in disbelief that i haven't seen it the first time but i've seen of the top five like i've seen breaking bad i've seen sopranos i've seen the wire now game of thr, I've seen Game of Thrones, but

I'm missing like what was that other? I remember there's that other West. The Well, there's also the one about the funeral home was it called? Six feet under. Six feet under is very good. Yep. Six feet under not holding up that much. Hannah just started watching it again. She had it on the background. I'm like, it did get better. It's slow.

It's very slow. It got much better as it went on for sure. Dexter's also really good. Yeah, and I've never seen Dexter. Yeah. We want to remind you guys, if you're enjoying the show up until now, it's the product of five years of work.

And with that comes the fifth anniversary hats, mugs, notebooks, tote bags, T-shirts. Go to fitsdog.com, check it out. We've got all different colors and sizes and reasonably priced, less than $30. Support the show. We don't do ads because we don't believe in them.

So we only make our money through our merchandise. So there you go. Justified was what I was trying to think of, I think. Anyway, if anyone has any tidbits. Yes, by the way, we talked about it this week. You didn't get a hat either, I gotta get a hat. Yeah, we gotta get hats. Maybe we'll get them and we'll wear them

on the show next week so people can see what we're talking, what all the excitement is about. Hook a guy, sometimes I do this podcast with you. Hook a guy up with the, I'll pay cost. How does that sound? Okay. Well, they're made to order, that's the thing. It's not like the koozies where you buy a thousand,

put them in a garbage bag. What color are you gonna get? We should decide right after this podcast. Go on the website. Maroon, they have maroon. Oh, good Lord. Logo this week, I gotta apologize because it's a really great one.

That is a great one. Me and Mike riding bikes, blondies on the front of my bike and it says Sunday Papers in the Back. It's a nice spring day. And I don't know who the artist was. I cut and pasted it and Sunday Papers in the Back. It's a nice spring day and I don't know who the artist was. I cut and pasted it and I forgot to write the art. So let us know and we'll give you a shout out next week. Shout out to Jeff Snyder who did this week's amazing song. It's just a man and a guitar. Jeff I apologize but uh maybe but a song I put in my head was closing time. That one. Oh, I could see that. In a good way. Yep. My daughter just went to Coachella and saw

Green Day, by the way. Come on. Yeah, she said it was one of the greatest days of her life. She got well, she's dating a guy who is he is he is a stylist for one of the major acts that was at Coachella and so she had VIP backstage green room passes so she was at Coachella but not dealing with the lines and this car camping and all that bullshit it was a nightmare this year apparently yeah I don't know why it's not like a Beyonce year but I heard things like 11 hours in your car I heard they changed staffs at the festival there was like some kind of house cleaning and they ended up with all new people that don't know what they're doing she hung out with Ed Sheeran who she thinks is one of the

best artists she's ever seen in her life he's super talented. Yeah, biggest selling artist of the year, live last year. Really? Yep. Wow, huh, all right. I don't know if it was last year, in the last two years, one of those years. That sounds like a strong Fitzpatrick.

No, no. Might not have been last year, but it was definitely in the last two years. He was the top touring artist of the year. How about this, 1991. I'm gonna give you three artists and you're gonna tell me which one was the highest touring act of that year.

Okay. Wait, we're talking about 91? 91. Madonna, Madonna, Michael Jackson, or Backstreet Boys? Backstreet Boys. You're just saying that because it's the obvious one that you wouldn't choose. Right.

Right, well that's right, that's correct. I just had the singer. Michael Jackson also toured with boys, so maybe it's a tie. I just had Joey McIntyre on the podcast from Backstreet Boys. Great dude. My production also called his boys Backstreet Boys. There you go. Yeah. Corrections. We got a big correction this week from a man who needs so much correcting himself that it seems a little bit disingenuous that he'd be sending one in disingenuous. That

doesn't feel like the right word. Just ironic, right? Okay. Okay, can't believe I have to do this. But I guess I have to correct the correction because it wasn't Carl you stramsky who hit the home run and waved it fair. It was Carlton Fisk. Also, no. Yeah, we got that from a lot of people. who hit the home run and waved it fair. It was Carlton Fisk. Also- Absolutely, I knew that though. We got that correction from a lot of people. Yaz was a lefty.

And it's also of course famously Carlton Fisk, but anyway. We were talking about the 75 Red Sox of course. And I also said that they won the World Series when it was actually I think the AL Championship or so, ACLS Championship. And then he goes on to say, "'Also no mention of the IUD versus IED debacle,

"'nor Gibbons, who I talked to about this at golf, "'care to mention how you missed your son "'score a goal at a soccer game, "'his last high school soccer game, "'because you were looking at a woman "'jogging around the track. "'Keep on keeping on, on lads. Happy 420 bras. Wait, what does that have to do with anything? So when I showed up and he I guess I just

listened to the podcast, I can't believe he threw shade at you when you admitted that at Olivia's game she didn't see you that time. You know the Owen story? And I'm like what what he's like you don't know it and then he won't bring it up and I'm like calm down what is happening it's and it's like you watched me get assaulted and you're very very ramped up about it he and then he talked about you have shared a low moment of your spectatorship with your son yeah out of my life in general. Which is which is exactly you know what that moment in adolescence at a soccer game where the dad really lets the sundown is out there on the field. Yes there was a woman jogging I'm not gonna say she was bra-less. I was just saying there was not

a bra that could handle what she was Racing around the track with in front of her and so me and another dad were checking her out discreetly and Then not discreetly like we turned around and were fought and then he scored a goal and yeah That did not feel good. Well, I'm sure when you explained to young Owen these absolutely insane cans that were all over the place, he understood. I could now, he's 24 and we just had our first moment of acknowledging a hot woman walking by and looking at each other, making some eye contact

and giving a little nod. And I'd never done that before. I told you we were walking with the family that we both stayed with and they've been in my life since high school on Martha's Vineyard. And it's this unbelievably cool couple. They've spent their whole lives married together and all this. So we're walking down their property.

I think you might have, no, you weren't with us this time, but we have a picture down on that beach that you're in. So we're walking over to like a neighbor's and there is this specimen laying out with the biggest naturals like you're describing where this bikini top like could hardly like contain them. All of us women. It doesn't even matter.

Like it was so insane. And so we walk by and then Mr. is quite taken aback and then is busted by how taken aback he was. And without missing a beat, he just goes, someone's gonna be down and out in a few years, huh? Like, those ain't staying high. Those ain't staying high for long.

Like just immediately found a way to criticize. You got it, that's what you do. Like sometimes I'll go, I can't believe somebody would walk around wearing that. Yeah, and now you're both looking at her. And I told you, my can't believe somebody would walk around wearing that. Yeah. Yeah, and now you're both looking at her. And I told you my thing was when we'd be caught, because you're in LA and there's a lot of impossible bodies

walking around and when I'd be, and this is in my marriage, like one would walk by and then I would be like, look, and I'd look a little too long and then look back and eyes are like staring right through me. And I would just without missing a beat, I'd be like, God, eat something. Look at her, what a freak. What a freak.

My wife is so generous in this area. I don't think that in 25 years of marriage, she has ever said stop staring or don't look at that. I mean, I'm pretty discreet, but there's no way she never noticed me looking at a woman walking down the street, but she's never said anything. Just blondie alone.

I know. Speaking of walking down the street, I'm walking down to Huntington, California to play the Mamba on May 4th. What is the Mamba? I don't know. That's the name of the club. I think the name of the comedy show is something different,

but if you're in Huntington just search my name May 4th. Escondido at the brand new Grand Comedy Club May 9th and 10th. Then I'll be in Cincinnati at the Commonwealth Something Club in Dayton, Kentucky May 16th and 17th. Tampa, Florida. Naples, Florida. Torrance, California. Austin, Point Pleasant, La Jolla, Vegas. This just announced Den Theater in Chicago in the fall. New Orleans at Skankfest. All tickets go to FitzDawg.com and pick them up! Discount! There you go. I gotta put down my fidget toy. Boy, you're really into that thing. Oh, it's so good, but I

need it. I told you, right? I have this pinched goddamn nerve on my right side of my neck. Here we go. Front page. Front page. Oh, a royal wedding has happened, Gregorius. The Tiger Kingdom is expanding. Tiger King star Joe Exotic, whose real name is Joseph Maldonado,

announced on April 21st that he wed fellow prison inmate Jorge Marquez. Now that is so much smarter than the Menendez brothers, who are both married to women who are free women and have been on the outside. And I don't know if they've ever touched. They don't get conjugal visits. Wait, they met women after they were incarcerated? Oh, they had to fight them off, apparently, yeah. And they married two women? They're both married, two women.

So they've never made love to these women? I think that we have to believe that's true, because they've never been allowed a conjugal visit, I don't believe. Wow. Yeah, I did look that up, that never been allowed a conjugal visit, I don't believe. Wow. Yeah, I did look that up, that they don't have a conjugal visit, so I don't know what it is. This guy's marrying some tail right in the next cell.

That's the way to do it. Or in his cell. All right, the nuptials are not a surprise, following an announcement from Maldonado in October that he planned to wed Marquez. So Tiger King's 62, Marquez is 33. And the quote is he is so amazing and is from Mexico. That's the he really rushed that detail in there. Now the quest of getting married in prison wait now the

quest of getting married in prison and getting him asylum or we be leaving America when we both get out. Okay, Maldonado, he wrote that on Twitter. So I don't know, they quoted him exactly. That's the problem there. And he goes, either way, I wish I would have met him long ago. So I think he continues to be a genius. He's marrying a Mexican criminal who might be deported. That might get him and a it and rights there dealing with, us mostly right now just like a tiger. You put a guy in a cage and he'll start fucking a Mexican guy. That's the half a joke. That's called sketching out a joke and then

failing to come up with the complete metaphor. So then you go, all right I'll just make it absurdist. Yeah well he should. I mean listen, he should, I mean, listen, Mexico should take him, because then with what we're doing to Mexico, they can famously deport Tiger King back to us. Oh, that's good. In a dramatic fashion. Yeah, but the difference is we really want him back. Mexico doesn't want their deportees coming back. Also, Joe Exotic keeps asking Trump to pardon him.

That continues. Is that true? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. How could he not? Fella Floridian? Well I remember I think Joe went in right before Trump won the first time? Could that be?

Well, the show was a big hit during the pandemic, which was 2020. So I don't know if he was already in jail when the series started. I think he went to jail after the series started. I know what it was. It was on Trump's way out of his first term when he was pardoning so many people,

and I know Biden did too, don't know, I'm not being political, but he was in line, man. He thought he was in line, he was begging Trump. By the way, can we minimize the pardon thing? And like you said, both sides do it, but somebody gets arrested, they get indicted they go to pretrial they go to trial a bunch of people sit on a fucking jury you know millions are spent and then somebody can just randomly go no I mean maybe you get

three you get three pardons that's Well on paper, why do you even get one, you know what I mean? Right. And also these executive orders, and again, both sides are guilty of it, but what is the logic of, we've got three branches of the government that check each other, Congress has to enact all laws,

except when the president just decides something. It's crazy. It's not supposed to be a monarch. It's supposed to be this process that is democracy. And you can't even keep up. There's so many executive orders. You can't fight one because nine others just happened today. There's no limit on them.

Is it the most executive orders ever? Yes, it is. I just happened today. There's no limit on them. Is it the most executive orders ever? Yes, it is. I just read that. Just going to agree. No, no, no. I just read that. Oh, really? Yep. It seems like it. I mean, but who knows? All right. Yeah. 220 during his first term. All right. anyway, so Justin Bieber,

his longtime friend, reported believes, and went public this week, that the Biebs is in a cult as his inner circle shrinks. Ryan Goode is the co-founder and creative director of Bieber's fashion brand, Drew House, has not spoken to the pop star in more than a year over concerns about his pastor, Judah or Judda Smith. The pair reportedly stopped talking after Good left the Grammy winner's place of worship

called Church Home in Beverly Hills, where Smith is on the leadership team. More recently former close friends and associates expressed concern for Bieber's mental health. Quote, seeing him disintegrate like this is watching the embodiment of someone not living their purpose, an ex-team member claimed. And then another one is he's lost. There's no one protecting him because there's no one willing to say no to him. You say no, you get blown out. Now, do you think when Justin's in a cult that and he's taking his oath that he's a follower and do you think he slips in the word that he's also a believer?

Of course. Yeah. every time he says believe, he's like, I believe it. Yeah, I believe you. You know, Anne Frank, he said Anne Frank was a believer and she also paid a steep price for her religious beliefs. So they have a lot in common. Anne Frank would have been the best type of Bieber fan because by definition,

she couldn't play his music that loudly. So she wouldn't torture other people with it. She definitely couldn't dance to it. No. Although she was probably not going jogging to it. She was so thin it probably would not have made a lot of noise up there. I doubt she brought the albums to camp. the albums to camp. Let's move on. All right an 84 year old man this was sent to us by Dickie an 84 year old man was critically injured after falling from a cross during a reenactment of the crucifixion of Jesus that took place Friday in West Virginia. The man fell about 10 feet from a replica cross during an event from Vandelier Community Christian Church to Mark Easter. The man was flown to a hospital with critical injuries. So basically he came down to earth from the

heavens and then rose above the earth just like Jesus. He really is. He is currently in the ICU with broken ribs, but is recovering and is expected to survive. Unlike Jesus, the man who is not a member of the church, but was assisting with the event according to the outlet. Nice. Broken ribs. Broken ribs is the least of his worries. What about the spike holes in his hands and feet and the thorn punctures in his scalp. Also

isn't this one in the wind column? I mean you're getting crucified and you fall Jesus wished he fell off the cross. Are you kidding me? Right. That's all he wanted. If he fell off the cross cross that means that Jesus was the second worst carpenter in Jerusalem. You know when Dickie sent us a story I'm like oh I think that's getting regurgitated I've seen that story and so I looked it up and it is this year it happened but I remember as another year doing a story I guess there are so many injuries on Easter with these reenactments of the crucifixion. Yeah. Or on Good Friday, I should say. And of old men putting Easter eggs in their pockets. There's a lot that happens on Easter. Those are the wounds

that stay. Yeah. Those are the deepest wounds for those children. And $20, my $20 bill? I'm part of it, I guess. Did I just pay a kid $20 to touch an old man's crotch? You're funding it. You're funding it. And you know, and that kid, picture that kid in 20 years at a diner. Would you like some eggs?

No, I'm good. I'm good, thank you. Crying, crying into a napkin. How much are the eggs, a lifetime of pain? Is that, that's what I'm used, thank you. Yeah. Crying, crying into a napkin. How much are the eggs, a lifetime of pain? Is that, that's what I'm used to paying. A former TV weatherman has been arrested for allegedly making a secret sex tape and then threatening to release it.

As cops warned, I gotta tell you, if I was a woman, I would have a fucking scanner in my purse. And if I'm having a one night stand with a guy, I'm going through the room looking for cameras because it seems like they're recording everything. Well, Airbnbs, yeah, there's all those videos teaching you how to identify cameras in the room. So this guy who worked in Charlottesville, Virginia

as a newscaster is accused of secretly filming his accuser during a consensual sexual encounter. The victim reported the incident telling cops a 42-year-old meteorologist had then threatened and extorted them with the release of the clip. Investigators said Fitzpatrick relocated to Ohio shortly after the probe nabbed there and police warned the former weatherman who is in custody pending his extradition that there may be more victims and urged them to come forward. Hmm. Well, you want me to give you a little... You do your little run here.

Well, it seems obvious how he's gonna show this footage of Sex with a Woman. He's gonna be standing in front of a full screen with the cameras on. He's gonna be like, you see this high pressure building in this lower region? That warm front's pressing up from the south. It's gonna get hot and heavy.

When these two fronts collide, there's gonna be some serious atmospheric friction, Greg. And just look at this buildup of this significant moisture. That humidity is gonna take a pounding when this throbbing mass of high pressure slams right into it. Jesus, I've got an erection right now, that was good. And black clouds are forming though, and you will need to seek shelter in concrete, I've got an erection right now, that was good. And black clouds are forming though,

and you will need to seek shelter in concrete, steel bars reinforcing it will help. So this guy, I guess he said the sex was consensual, but he also said it would be sunny with a light breeze last week, and that was far from the truth. So I'm not buying anything this guy's saying. That would be a very funny sketch.'s like so you're to you're sworn this is

your sworn testimony and you're telling the truth yes well let's look at your record with the truth and you pull up all the newscasts where he's been so wrong. And the next day it hailed you said it was sunny. Okay, it is time for our new segment. New segment. It's the ethical question. And I haven't read beyond the headline, but I loved this one. Please still have it here. Yes.

Ready? Yeah. From the New York Times. Can we ask a disabled woman to leave our pickleball group? I have not read a word of his answer. I could read you a little more of the question. I'm part of a dedicated pickleball group that meets twice a week at 6 a.m. for two hours. Wow.

Players range from 35 to over 60 like me, and we rotate through doubles matches on three courts. The gym advertises this time as open play. Our group's challenge is the presence of one woman who is kind and well-meaning, but whose skill level is far below the rest of us. It's not about her age or gender. She appears to have a neurological defect affecting her reaction time.

No one wants to exclude her, but we struggle to enjoy competitive play when she's on the court. Probably because you keep hitting to her. We make an effort to include her, but privately we wonder why she hasn't realized that she's out of place. Would it be kinder to gently suggest she join a less competitive pickleball session rather than are continuing to accommodate her with quiet frustration? Okay, what do you think?

I think you have to take in a measure of humanity when you look at this and you have to understand. Put her out of her misery. Get her the fuck out of that game. I mean, these people are trying to get some exercise. It's pickleball for God's sakes. This is a serious sport. This is something that you wake up at 6 a.m. to get out there so two hours later you can feel mildly tired after playing. Get her out.

Lose her. He kind of sidesteps it. I'm scanning ahead and his last paragraph is, still I hope that you'll decide that this isn't necessary. Playing this sort of game with people of different levels of ability is itself a kind of challenge. And amateur sports are about mastering challenges while having a good time. Can we picture Dennis Gubbins playing against this woman right now? How fucking

for no with her. Imagine the screaming that would go on. Oh my god. That would be perfect. We played doubles with him yesterday. It was me and Owen against him and not you because you bailed against him and Alex Wright and Gubins, who's so much better than everybody else, he plays three hours a day, probably five days a week. And if somebody hit a weak lob, he would fucking hammer you in the legs, in the chest. He hit Alex in the face at one point. He was completely out of control.

Like hard smashes. Jesus. Yeah, I don't know about this, the woman. Well, just let her keep playing pickleball. Odds are she's gonna wind up in the emergency room no matter what. All of them are hurting themselves out there. Yes.

Maybe they should. It is a huge boon to the industry. I think that they should switch boon to the industry. I think that they should switch sports and do like a tug of war, but use the woman as the rope. Yeah, then she feels like she's a part of it. Love it. Yeah. Okay. Moving on to entertainment. Your story, Pete Davidson's been getting a lot of his tattoos removed. It's costing him a lot of money.

He revealed he spent $200,000 on the process. He's only 30% finished. Quote, it's a pretty uncomfortable amount of money to disclose and I think one of the tabloids already leaked it. I've already spent 200 grand. It's like, it's gonna suck, but it's gonna be nicer. In addition to the expense, the process also requires

a lot of down time for recovery, and Davidson has to be purpose, he, something that Davidson has to purposefully pencil into his professional life. Quote, well, I have to plan it in between work because it's a six week healing process each time you get one removed. So each tattoo is 10 to 12 sessions. That's 60 weeks of your life right there on just one tattoo to remove. Oh my god. It sounds easier and less painful to get in a bad fire and just burn your skin.

Right, and also 60 hours, 60 weeks of his life versus the four to five minutes spent making each of those tattoos in his drunken teenage years. Therapy would have been so much less challenging, I think, than all those tattoos. Luckily his calendar is freeing up so oh that's fortunate yeah he's not gonna have to work too hard penciling stuff between the gigs he just did a sitcom that I actually heard with that action say actually I think he's very funny but I heard was very good in the sense that nobody saw it. Did you hear about it? He has a sitcom? Yeah,

he has a sitcom. It was on last year. I don't think I heard about it. Yeah. Like not in front of a live audience. No, single camera. Okay. Yeah. No, no. If only he could erase, forget the tattoos if he could erase that joke he made about Ariana Grande. Remember the suicide bomber killed 22 people at her concert? Oh yeah, what did he say? He said like, she reached big, something about like, it would have been good if it had happened to Britney Spears

because she could have drawn a bigger audience or something. I can't remember. Okay. Caitlyn Jenner is raising money to support her she wants her supporters to donate money to support her legal defense responding to a lawsuit of alleged financial malfeasance. I have to be named a defendant in a lawsuit regarding the Jenner meme coins alleging securities violations she posted on X. She's got a crowdfunding campaign.

Let's all be freedom maximalist. Other trans women keep saying, oh, I'm a I'm a real woman. I'm a real woman. And I'm going no, you're not. I don't even know what that means. But what is that? Well, she had this Bitcoin type of thing and a couple of people sued her saying that she.

No, I'm talking about the I'm a real woman, I'm a real woman. I don't know. She doesn't know. It's like she's not a, what are they, an ally? Is that what they call it? She's not an ally, no. She has to be the only trans person that's not an ally. It's kind of like remember when You know putting ellen aside, but it was on ellen

And to ellen's credit ellen was like so wait a minute you are trans and you are against gay marriage Yeah, and that was the wake-up call to uh, you know trans people can be dicks, too Yep So anyway, her crypto coin shit the bed and apparently she pumped and dumped it. So there you go. With pump and dump, I think you should build in the cost of the upcoming lawsuit, the inevitable lawsuit.

That should be built into your pump and dump plans. Haq Tua, Haq Tua didn't do that. Also, this, I know it's homophobic, but it's really not. It's against, very specifically, Kaitlin. I didn't like thinking of the term Haq Tua, which I was made to think of with a pump and dump Bitcoin scam and a crypto scam. So I don't like think of with a pump and dump Bitcoin scam and crypto scam. So I don't like thinking of Haak-Tua

when I'm thinking and envisioning Caitlyn Jenner. Yes, yes. I've been in the same room as her many times. I know of what I speak. Yeah. You know the sad thing about like, say you own some hoctua meme or a Caitlyn Jenner meme, at least like, you know, if you had a Confederate coin,

obviously you can't go in a store and spend it, but you've got a fucking Confederate coin. And maybe out of nostalgia or whatever, down the road, it actually gets some value back, you know? But like with like a Caitlyn Jenner coin, there's no physical coin. There's no actual material thing that you can keep that might be worth something like,

and it's also just, you probably paid for it online from your checking account. It was just, you know, digitally you bought it, digitally you lost it, you got nothing to show for it, and it just, it all seems so fucking transient and ethereal, you know? Well, first she asked for money for nothing, as you're pointing out now

She's asking for money to defend herself against asking you for money for nothing right Is there a third wave coming right I can only imagine Let's go to Florida where things get really weird. Let's go to Florida Okay an Orange County man boy Orange County no matter where it is Okay, an Orange County man, boy, Orange County, no matter where it is, is trouble. An Orange County man in Orange County, Florida was arrested Monday and accused of impersonating a police officer and trying to pull another vehicle over. And court records show he was sentenced to prison for doing the same thing already.

Deputy, I love this, this guy. And this is what Florida needs. he was sentenced to prison for doing the same thing already. Deputy, I love this guy, and this is what Florida needs, they need more volunteer policemen. Deputies say Albert Dolan, who's 60, followed a vehicle along Stony Brook Parkway, about a mile with the amber lights flashing. The driver thought the black car was an unmarked police vehicle, so he pulled over.

Dolan approached the victim on the driver's side of the vehicle and asked for his license. Dolan refused to show his ID and badge when the driver asked for it, and then let the driver go. The driver then called 911. At 11. Yeah, 911. Called 911 and provided Dolan's license plate number.

The sheriff's office said Dolan has a history of buying former police vehicles with lights and sirens still attached, and that he had been accused of impersonating a police officer before. Wow. I wonder in what other ways he impersonated a police officer.

Do you think, I don't know, did he go home and beat his wife? Did he, no, that's a bad joke. I don't like to shit on the cops. I think they do a great fucking, most of them do an amazing job. Most do an amazing job, of course. But this does sound like, this sounds like a doge job.

This sounds like Elon Musk heard about this and was like, yep, that's it. Let him just do it. Let anybody just do any federally sanctioned job with no training whatsoever. I thought did you cut this story down? Maybe I thought I put it in. Yes. So there were other deals. He's done it twice before. Yes. But thanks for cutting that out. Well,

sometimes the script is a little long and I go in and I take a little pet, you know, what do you want me to do? They were funny details. Anyway, this guy, yeah, twice before, he was on probation. Did it say that in this one? Yes. He was on probation for doing this

when he got busted for doing it again. All right. We're gonna make America Oklahoma again. An Oklahoma man fled from officers after using an AR-15 to shoot a deer out of a black Mustang while driving 117 miles per hour on Saturday night. This reminded me, this is everything that's inside of you that made you get a Mustang.

Like, do you have this inside you? That's exactly right. I went out driving my Mustang, and I have driven it 110, I've gotten up to 110 on the 10 West late at night. Oh no. And you don't even feel it. It feels like you're driving 70 in a normal car. But when I read that sentence,

he fled officers using an AR-15 to shoot a deer while driving 117 miles an hour on Saturday night, I just think I am not living my life to the fullest. I am not pushing myself at to the fullest. I am not pushing myself at all. So when the call came in, deputies were responding to an unrelated disturbance. But when the black Mustang passed them at 117 miles an hour, traveling in the opposite direction, passing

vehicles in no passing zones and driving recklessly. So they took off after him. During their search, they received additional calls that the black Mustang had been involved in a hit and run where it swiped a Mercedes and continued to leave the area. Officials say that the three men, so get this, this guy while driving 117, and shooting with an automatic rifle or semi, whatever.

It's automatic, AR-15, out his window, a deer. His son was in the car, I don't know how old, and another guy, so the three people flee the vehicle and after the owner of the Mercedes located him, Franklin's son surrendered without incident, but Franklin and the other passenger were located in a nearby field and they refused to cooperate. And I love this line. A police canine was deployed to gain compliance from Franklin, I guess, who was

taken into custody after being hit, bit by the canine. Gain compliance. Yeah, that's like a peacekeeping missile kind of a phrase. This is what I'm telling you. The mechanical hound. You don't even need the mechanical hound doesn't need to bite. Yeah, it'll just corner him. I know. And, you know, and the thing is like, the new police cars will be driverless and they will be positioned along the sides of the highway.

They'll be reading the speeds from two miles away. They use electricity now to neutralize cars. Have you seen that where they blast your car with electricity and it shuts it down? They'll do that. The police dog will get out. What do they call it? They'll- The mechanical hound? He's going to gain compliance. Oh, right. Sorry. Yes. Yeah. And then maybe a human will come in and clean up at the end of it all. And maybe a human will come in and clean up at the end of it all. You know already, and we've seen it in footage, in real world situations, I think it was in New York,

the drones are attached to the roof of the police car. So it pursues you, but it's not gonna, now the drone gets launched and does the chasing. Really? I like that. I like that. I'll miss that. The only reason you watch local news is when there's a car chase.

And then all of a sudden, Channel 4 fucking, and meanwhile they can't run commercials. It's the only time anyone's watching and they can't cut away for a commercial. It's been used in shows, but it began with a very real clip on YouTube. A guy's watching a police chase and he then whips the camera from his TV to his window and the chase flies around

his corner. I've never seen one. I don't think I've ever seen a police chase. Seeing the cop cars, I've never seen the car. There used to be so much more common, I think now drones and obviously it started with helicopters, but in LA we'd get a chase a week when we were like first here.

Well, it's just so funny because you have right now a 0% chance of escaping. I shouldn't say 0, you have a 0.01% of maybe driving in an underground mall changing sweatshirts and going into Lord & Taylor's and waiting it out. But that's... I wouldn't give it much more of a 0.01%. Also I don't think they would think anyone's in Lord & Taylor's so you'd be safe in there I think. It's a good plan. Let's get to international. All right, here, let me crankle.

I'll tell you, you gotta go around the world to find a story like this one. A young Aussie woman has been left absolutely fuming after a waxer revealed why she'd have to charge her more in the future. Sarah Button, 27, took to social media after her Brazilian waxing appointment to say she received an unexpected message from the waxer. The message drops the bombshell that she'll be charging her more in the future.

Quote, just in future, I'll have to charge you a little more for the size of the area. I hope it makes sense Nothing crazy like five or ten extra the waxer wrote Yeah, the waxer was the wax was he she was pissed because she was fined by the Parks Commission for deforestation I'm not saying this woman's pussy was big. You're not saying that no, but her boyfriend broke up with her He said her clit was so big that having sex with her felt like a cock fight. So I mean, it is also, she was so mad she screamed and then there was another scream,

but that was just an echo. I'm not saying the pussy's big. So she's deep too. It's deep, wide, hairy. So can you believe this woman has outed herself? She's done all this. Right, right. I'm reading the story, there's not even a lawsuit.

There's not even a complaint other than just whining. No, this was just a Reddit thread that I found that I thought was funny. Oh, I like it. Yeah. Well, listen, I mean, they had the worst fires down there that really cleared a lot of bush. That's right.

In the bush, that's what they call it, going into the bush. Yeah, it's the bush down there. Yeah. So they're very sensitive about it now. Maybe she's like kind of rubbing it in the landscape's face. Like, look how much bush I still walk around with. Well at least it wasn't an anal wax, you know what I mean, or an anal bleaching

that she was told she has to charge more for. Do you think black people get anal bleaching? That's a fair question, even though it sounds very unfair. Right. Well I remember asking my dad who worked for Estelle Lauder and I'm like, and I didn't, he didn't take it as inappropriate, but I was just like, isn't it much simpler like the shipping of like all your, like you go into Bloomingdale's, right? And you see

a giant cosmetic company, the amount of shades they have, because they have everybody in there. Black women, redheads, Asians, every ethnicity, every tone within every ethnicity. We're back. I got cut off in the exact right place with my racist. Shouldn't it be a monotribe, not a diatribe? But anyway. Well, whatever it was, my Wi-Fi just collapsed for some reason and now we had to restart. So excuse the glitch or exclude the gitch. Let's get down to this day in history.

Here you go. Okay. It was some slim pickings I got to tell you in this day in history. Where would it be now that you've, there's so many links open. Here we go. All right, sir. This is an inch well we'll get to that I'll build to that one. All right, here we go.

The Hubble telescope was sent into orbit., and they had to send a mission up because all the images were coming back blurry. Oh my god. But anyway, the Hubble telescope, first God launched into space on this day in what year? Give or take ten years. 1979. Oh, missed by one, Pali, 1990.

I thought you were going to say like 2005. I was only thinking further back because if they had to redo it I had to allot for time for that. All right. 0 for 1 but by one year. Not bad. It's still 0 for 1.

All right now here's all the slim pickings. I mean Suez Canal. All right, yeah, fine. Construction of the Suez Canal officially began on this day in one year and it was completed 10 years later. So I'm going to give you, you know, because the completion date might be blurring your memory and it connected the Mediterranean and the Red Seas, give or take 25 years, when do you think construction of the Suez Canal began?

1895. No, sir, 1859. Oh, and you gave me, wait. 25 years. Yep, too bad. Okay. Would you have any guess the first guillotine was erected in Paris to execute a highwayman?

That's the weird detail. We're not going to count this one. You know what? We're going to count it. The first guillotine was erected on the Place de Greve. I slaughter that, no doubt, in Paris to execute a highwayman, give or take 50 years. That's 101 year window.

All right, well the main clue I have is it was after highways were developed, so that wasn't until 1920. I'm just kidding. So the guillotine in France, I got to go back to 1410. Yeah, 1792. Okay.

All right. You're telling me that nobody had their head chopped off by a machine until the late 18th century? I don't buy that. That wasn't the question. That wasn't the question. All right, well, you want to talk about specific guillotines? Yeah, let me check my book on my shelf

of dates of famous guillotines. No, the first guillotine was erected. All right. Chernobyl, buddy, the Chernobyl nuclear accident, a devastating environmental catastrophe occurred early in the morning on this day of what year? And it was an explosion and a fire at the Chernobyl nuclear power plant in Ukraine. Give or take.

You're doing badly today, so I'm going to try to help you. I'm going to give you give or take, you're doing badly today, so I'm gonna try to help you. I'm gonna give you, give or take 10 years, when do you think Chernobyl happened? 1986. Did you just Google it? No. It was 1986.

I saw a movie about it, they had a mini series on it that I just watched about six months ago. Of course, Chernobyl. Yeah. Chernobyl was very good. All right, let's see now. Oh, what was the interesting one I wanted to do here it is you're gonna know the year or within you'll be within one year of it but this is the new way of asking this question John Wilkes Booth assassinated,

so in 1865, John Wilkes Booth assassinated Abraham Lincoln. In 1865? In 1865. He was arrested, how many days later, at a farm, and give or take, two days. How many days after killing Lincoln was John Wilkes Booth arrested? 20 days. 12.

When are we going? I didn't know we were, what about years? I need years to work with, not days. I mean, I really, you think it took them that long? Well, they didn't exactly have fax machines back then. All right, let me find, we got to find one for you to go out on, that's kind of easy. I mean, it's actually pretty amazing they caught him

considering like how slow news travels and there's no video cameras showing license plates like that's pretty good okay you ready let me try to give you a pretty wide berth here the London Zoo opened in Regent's Park on this day in what year, give or take 100 years? 1725. Let me change it. 1828.

1828. You missed by three years. You know what? I literally, my first thought was 1825 and then went, no, because I think they were exploring Africa before that. And so I went to 1725. All right. So you were thinking of, huh?

Yeah. All right, we're going out on that one. I love it. I love a hundred years. Tough day. Tough day for the Fitz dogs. I'd say this day in history is not good for you. No. Let's get to letters to the editor.

Yes. Kelly Holmes says Hi, friends. I also loved adolescence and learned that the actor who played the dad was in a movie that was also filmed in one long shot called Boiling Point. It was pretty good. Wow. All right. That's worth watching. He's used to high pressure situations. Kyle Anderson said, by the way, he was in Peaky Blinders. He was in The Irishman. He's also funny. I think he also was great in Snatch, I think. Right. But I just rewatched The Irishman. He's also funny. I think he also was great in snatch, I think. Right. But I just rewatch the Irishman this past week. And when I say this past week, the entire week. And he was a mobster that De Niro goes to jail or that Joe Pesci goes to jail

with who is ultimately calls for his death. It's not a good movie. This is from Kyle Anderson. Hey, Greg, big fan. I'm listening to Sunday papers from the beginning. I'm re-listening to Sunday papers from the beginning. I'm re listening to Sunday papers from the beginning again. What question though? Where can I find the podcast with you, Mike Zack, and I think one other person? I don't know who what did

we do one with Zack and one other person? Were you there for the Natalie mains one in my garage? I don't think so. Oh, maybe. I'm not sure. Remember that? Zach, I was interviewing Natalie mains and Zach who lived in the neighborhood came by to use my fax machine and just let himself in the back door. So we had him sit down and do the rest of the podcast with us. Got it. Anyway, all all right let's get to the obituaries big one this week Catholic boy no you do it well this is your writing dope hope that's all Greg but dope hope morning you know the

reference no it was father Guido Sarducci on Saturday night live he used Dupope. Mourners. Do you know the reference? No. It was Father Guido Sarducci on Saturday Night Live. He used to talk about Dupope. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah. Dupope. All right, mourners paying their final respects to Pope Francis have been disturbed by other snap,

oh, so this is a news story I put down here. But the mourners, we lost the pope. And mourners have been disturbed by others snapping selfies beside his body in the open casket with some even posting smiling photos online. Tens of thousands have flocked to St. Peter's Basilica in Vatican City to see the late Pope with many using it as a grim photo op. I don't think he's the late pope. I don't think he's coming at all. Oh, well, some looked sad in their selfies.

At least one Instagrammer posted a photo of herself smiling as the pope lies lifelessly in a coffin just feet away. I don't know what's worse, by the way, because if you're also like just virtue signaling and you're just going public and using a shitty social media account to show your sad face, also that you got access to the pope. Yeah.

I don't think it's that much worse, I don't think it's that much worse to be smiling doing it. I think just the opposite. I think that the pope was filled with joy. He was a modern pope. I think that he would have seen this as a celebration of life. I mean the guy was 96 years old, so I think he knew it was time to go and I think that he would look down and smile at young people enjoying his glory. I heard he wanted to

be buried in the ground, which is a special request if you're a pope and like just with his name not the word pope and like you know man of the people type thing man of the dead people. I want the same thing I want to be buried without the word pope in front of my name. I'm the exact opposite. Are you gonna get cremated or buried? Regardless, it's gonna say Pope, probably on the urn. I want my kids to have Pope my ashes. And we'll have two burns for the girls.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe you could burn different parts of your body on different days. I could start while I'm alive. By the way, they also, I know when they elect a new pope, they always have the smoke come out of the chimney of the Vatican. They should do it with the pope's body.

That's what you burn. Interesting. Yeah. I don't know. All right, let's cheer up. You think that's black smoke? With any human body? Yes. Probably. Because of the carbon. With Twinkies? Funnies? Okay, as you know, week in and week out, we provide you with one caption of one comic. You then provide us with your punch lines. We choose the best one and that best one gets a koozie.

The Sunday Papers koozie. We mail it right to your house. We ask that you send them in and you put your name directly underneath your joke submission. That makes it easier for us. I know it's not a big deal but thank you. And last week's submission was a man who is standing on the ledge of a building. He's bald with glasses and there is a reporter with a microphone and a cameraman with a video camera aimed at him that are

leaning out of the window as the man looks down. Sean's caption was, okay, grandpa, cameras rolling, TikTok challenges, take one. Remember to aim for the pool and action. Sean asked a lot of me performance wise on that one. He did. Which I resent. Sean, the problem I have with it, if I'm being honest, is it's not social, that would be an iPhone,

that would be a TikTok challenge as they're usually made, not a news crew. Okay, that rubbed Mike a little bit. Margaret said, if we give you a selfie stick, would you hold it all the way down? It helps if we had seen the selfie stick but yes I like that one better. Tim says excuse me sir before you go could you spell your last name again for me? Aye that's my favorite so far. Okay he had a second one that I'm not gonna read because the first one was strong. Kenny Engel says if you won't come in would you

consider breaking your Ellen non-disclosure agreement? He got that in there. It seems a little forced but he got that in there. Nathan Schleif does a slightly more elegant version of that. How long did you say you've been working for Ellen DeGeneres? Pretty good, yeah it is suicidal. and degenerates. Pretty good. Yeah, it is suicidal. Lane says, and you're doing all this because of a late koozie. Is that right? That's it seems that way. The letters I get you saying one that a guy keep in mind, I mailed it to that dude who emailed in that during the pandemic or whatever it was. Yeah, that's the guy. Not during the pandemic. He's got a famous last guy's name, John Favreau, from Maine. No, no, no, no, no. He got his finally. He got his. No, no, anyway, whatever. But that's

the thing. I think really regarding everybody, they went out. And then of course, I found a lot that were returned. But I'm trying to make good on all of them let me know if you didn't get it this next one's so bad that I put it in because it just might be good hi we're from fly witness news any last words Wow wordplay nice James James Brophy says mr. Giuliani I know you lost everything in the defamation case. It's too long. It's already too long. Yeah. Ron Dvorak says WFAL news giving you the stories as they drop. All right. Okay. Jim Guglielmo says, Could you aim a little to the left? We just watched the news van. Kind of funny. Not bad. Steve says, Wait, please take me with you. All right, that's it. All right There's something subtle about could you spell your last name? Yep, but I also like, you know, the news vans pretty good

I like that. I like the Ellen non-disclosure agreement. That's not bad. Or how long you've been working for Ellen DeGeneres was the better version. That one's better, I think. Sorry, Kenny. All right, your choice. All right, let's go Nathan Schleif. I like the Ellen DeGeneres joke.

How long did you say you've been working for Ellen DeGeneres? Next week's caption is this or cartoon is this. There's a dog sitting on a chair at a desk. There's a computer in front of him. He's got one paw on the keyboard. He's looking down at another dog that's looking up at him. The dog in the chair is speaking. Go. Can you lick my balls while I go online? All right, so let's do a little note from somebody who said it's a tough listen when Gibbons attempts to read the classic Doonesbury cartoon. Yeah, Doonesbury is not laugh out loud

funny. No true dough does some solid satire. Maybe. Doonesbury strips comment on the political moment in which they are written. It's not really fair to read them years after the fact and expect the same resonance. I'm with Ryan in Chicago. I think it's time to put Doonesbury to bed.

I think you're looking for something from a comic that never meant to be that. Okay, well while you read the Lockhorns, because the one in here, it's a list of 50 year old. He's right, so let me look for one. Okay. In the meantime, let me give you- Newsbury, do Doonesberry, go ahead.

All right. We're we're at the lock horns now. Leroy is sitting down. Loretta serves a dish in front of him. He holds his nose and he goes, I was hoping for cheese that was imported, not deported. Did you even hear that? You didn't even hear that. No, I'm looking for a goddamn news. That was a good one. I'll

come back. I'll read it. All right, now we got now we got we got Hager the horrible Hager walks in the door. Helga is waiting with a broom in her hand and he tosses her a gift wrapped box. I got you a present Helga. She it, now she's got a necklace in her hand. She's smiling. Oh, Hager, it's a real diamond necklace. And then Hager goes, if it's not, the Duke lied to the Duchess.

All right, yeah, stolen goods, and he's claiming it's new. I heard it. Yep. New Dunesbury. Are you up to me already? Go ahead. What? I don't I don't think I have one. Seattle Times. Please let me read a comic. Here we go. It won't let me read a comic. Oh, no, this is challenging. Seattle Times not letting me read it.

Try to find one. You read one, I love it. You read one. All right, here's the most recent Doonesbury. There's two guys and it's wartime and they're both in battle fatigues, but one of them has a as a microphone to CNN.

He says Wolf, I'm talking to Lieutenant BD. Wait, is Wolf Blitzer still on the air? I'm looking at this one. Now I'm not. I'm not. Yeah, of course he is. I'm not even gonna read it. No, you want me to read it?

It's not worth it. I just don't. I think it's a it's it's never gonna pay off. What? You're giving up on a new one? I don't know. Here it is. All right.

Four frames. Wolf, I'm talking to Lieutenant BD, Public Affairs Officer at Camp Blowback. I already don't like it. So how are the embeds working out, Lieutenant? The guy goes, well, it's a mixed bag on the one hand. The TV pictures show us at our best, out lieutenant the guy goes well it's a mixed bag on the one hand the TV pictures show us at our best but they also show the horror of war then it

goes which our enemies can repurpose as propaganda I'm not talking about your recent feed of course CNN guy goes which one the soldier giving out skittles. And the guy goes, classic stuff. I smell Emmy. It's just jaded and it kind of has a 70s. disestablishment tone that's gone like, like, all right. I guess if you're 78, you might want to read this and it might resonate with you. I don't know Yeah, all right. Well, I guess I have to find a new one to read. Yeah get a new one for next week Let's maybe you guys send in your your suggestions this week. It's FitzDogradio at gmail.com. What strips are we missing?

Okay, here's one. We're not missing is blondie at the bottom of the stairs with a, I mean, do I even need to say it? Look at the right bosom in this white sweater that she is wearing and she's looking up. So her shoulder is back, which is presenting the bust even more so. Dagwood's running down the stairs in his suit and he goes, yum, do I smell pancakes?

She goes, nope, it's my new perfume. It's called Pancake Paradise. And then he walks down and she holds out a bottle of perfume and she goes, I also bought waffle cone and cinnamon buns and he goes, I love it. Final frame is Dagwood at work. His boss, Mr. Smithers says, do I smell cinnamon buns? And Dagwood has those wavy lines

that show like an odor coming off of you. I'm only hoping for blondie sake or maybe I'm not hoping for blondie sake that he molested her. And she was wearing cinnamon bun perfume. And that was the only thing she could do to get this homosexual to pay attention to her and throw a move on her is to pretend that she's food. But that's a good, yeah, like just have, you know, people keep lube in the side table, just syrup.

Yes. It works. Or mayo. Whipped cream, syrup, put a cherry in your pussy make a murder whatever soy sauce whatever you're in the mood for yeah and then just close your eyes and think about herb the neighbor because you ain't thinking about this fucking zero all right listen you folks have been patient with us we had a technical glitch I hope you're barely noticed, but it added another half hour to the podcast.

So respect us. Don't forget, get your merch at fitsdog.com. Come on out next weekend. I'll be performing in Huntington Beach. And then Mike, anything you want to promote? Not a single thing. There you go, well done. All right, well then I guess we can just

four things or I have four things to promote. Okay. No, I'm kidding. Everyone needs to take it each day. Get a nice. Bye. It's Sunday papers time to read the news with Greg and Mike. So it's hard for you to bring a smile to your face so you don't feel so all alone. Six months from now, you could be running a 5K, booking that dream trip, or seeing thicker, fuller hair every time you look in the mirror. Through Hers, you can get dermatologists trusted, clinically proven prescriptions with ingredients that go beyond what over-the-counter products offer. Whether you prefer oral or topical treatments, Hers has you covered.

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