Sunday Papers - Sunday Papers w/ Greg and Mike Ep: 34 10/25/20

Episode Date: October 25, 2020

Our first guest contributor Andy Kindler does an op/ed piece and Mike shares about his first time (alone).   Follow Andy on Twitter @AndyKindler Follow Mike Gibbons Twitter @GibbonsTime

hear ye hear oh no it's not hear ye. It's read all about it. Good Lord. It's the Sunday papers. Come and get it. Time to get informed. You've ignored the news all week. You didn't want to have stomach cramps. Now it's time to catch up.

Mike Gibbons. How loud was that? You definitely turned. I mean, I think people have already stopped listening. Well, according to the, yeah, according to our Libsyn thing of when people tune out, we got a lot of mail from people going, you're fucking crazy. I listen right to the end. Did they make it past that crazy howl you just did?

I stood six feet away from the microphone. What do you call it? Flanged or did whatever. Oh. Yeah. Well, it's Sunday Papers, and we've got a hell of a week. A lot of crazy shit happened. You were away.

This is the first time you've been in your own closet in a few weeks. I'm actually still in Wyoming. I just had all my clothes shipped here because this is fun for the podcasters and listeners who can't see anything. No, I'm back home. We're back in California. Yeah. The girls wanted to get tested because we drove through Idaho, Utah, and Nevada, never mind Wyoming, where generally you wouldn't know there was a pandemic going on.

generally you wouldn't know there was a pandemic going on. If you put a stick pin in a map of Sturgis, South Dakota, it is fucking bright red in a circle around it right now. All right. So next week, I should have prepared it for this week. The Sturgis situation now with the tracing they've done is like beyond a super spreader, apparently. Yeah. Although the town of Sturgis itself has no cases. Is that true?

Yeah, it's really weird. But every state around it is filled with them. All right. So we should look in because I wouldn't mind finding the truth about it instead of the hype. I wouldn't mind finding the truth about it instead of the hype. But I had thought just the amount of Sturgis participants who spun out on their bikes on the highway and crashed and died would actually prevent it from being a super spreader. It was a super spreader of motorcycle parts on the highway. But I didn't think it would achieve the COVID, you know, contagion. Yeah, it was a tooth super spreader. Yeah.

But yeah, but it was, you know, look, I hate to say it, but did you not know? I mean, to anybody that dies of COVID that was at that rally, I feel for your families. I'm sorry you died. But what the fuck were you thinking well they articulated at the time they knew what they were doing they know but they don't want to shut down they don't want to shut down

their lives all the shutdowns they're against and it's free will and we can do this and some even articulated and if I die you know what that's a choice I made but I don't And it's free will. And we can do this. And some even articulated. And if I die, you know what? That's a choice I made. But I don't think Washington should be making or the capital of my state should be making that choice. I wonder now, you know, because we've seen more and more, but not that many come out of people who are like, I was that guy.

I've been told I'm like alive another two days and I regret it. Yeah. But I don't know. Maybe God bless them if they're sticking to their guns. You know what I mean? Right. Well, I guess it's like I mean, you're spreading it to other people. Hopefully they haven't done that. That's the thing. That's right. You know, and you know, it's but it does come down to how you live your life. I think everybody has a risk reward quotient in their life and it changes as you get older. It goes more to, you know, you play it safer. But people don't want to have their risk reward quotient dictated to them. They want to say, I'm not going to wear a helmet.

I know that statistically I'm more likely to die or get incapacitated. to wear a helmet. I know that statistically I'm more likely to die or get incapacitated, which again, if you go down on a motorcycle without a helmet and you become a fucking vegetable, you're not the one getting up at 5 a.m. to change your fucking diapers. That's your loved ones. You're a fucking financial drain on your wife and your kids and whoever else because you're a renegade. I don't fucking buy that shit. Well, a financial strain on the system also, because very often there is nowhere near the insurance dollars to cover everything they need if it's a really bad motorcycle accident.

Right. They are fun, though. I mean, I see videos going. You've fallen off a motorcycle, right? I did in Boston. I wasn't even licensed. I took my stepbrother's motorcycle, a Suzuki GS300. I don't know if people don't know motorcycles.

300 is not supposed to be on the highway for four hours. I mean, of course, we'll have people write in and say I'm wrong. But it's generally a smaller city bike type thing. I drove it up to BU. I just decided to take it. From where? From New York. And it was summer.

It was August. I was going back to school. Talk about a carefree life. Everything could fit in a backpack, a big backpack. But I didn't realize, and it was a hot day, how cold you can get on a motorcycle even when it's warm out. I pulled into a rest area on the Mass Pike when I got close. And I had to go in and I'm freezing. And kids are running around like, where's the ice cream?

And my arms are blue and I'm freezing. And I had to dig in and put on every layer of my backpack, including I put socks on my arms. So they, they acted as like mittens. So now meanwhile, unlicensed, completely unlicensed with socks on my hands. Like if I was a cop, how did I not get pulled over? But to answer your question, as they tell you, when you get your motorcycle license, But to answer your question, as they tell you when you get your motorcycle license, here's the deal. It is most likely not going to be your fault when you get in an accident. You have to drive so defensively.

A taxi driver did not see me. I was coming up, pulled right in front of me. I bailed on the bike and I rolled and the bike rolled. And the cab driver then started to take, you know, just saw it and was like, didn't stop. His passenger made him stop, which I thought was really cool because then I saw him stop and then I walked up. But as I'm walking up, I'm like, well, what do I do? I'm not insured. Right. Right. And so I just yelled at the guy and then, you know, didn't exchange paperwork or anything like that. Yeah, he didn't have any money.

That's the worst. The cab driver, first of all, they're the worst drivers. And second of all, they don't have cash to sue. So I used to have a moped. I had a fuck. You want to talk about small engines. Mine was a, I want to say 50 CC. It was a Honda express 50 CCS. And I went to school about two, maybe 15 miles away from my house. And I had to go to a Saturday

detention because I'd, I'd missed so much school. And, uh, I had to go to Saturday detention. Yeah. Yeah. Those are the worst. Those are a bummer for the parents too. If they have to drive you, which happened to me, which I didn't because I had this moped. And so, uh, so I get on it, I go to Saturday detention. I got to be there at like seven in the morning. And so I take some mescaline at like an hour before I was done and I get on this fuckingoped. And it takes like an hour to go 15 miles on a moped because I'm cutting through all back roads. Oh, I thought just because the shame, you'd take back roads.

And it's all, I just remember it was so sunny. And it was like, I felt warm. And I was, yeah, because I'm only going 30 miles an hour. And I'm on these like side roads and I'm like swerving back and forth like this. And then I'm swerving. And all of a sudden, I fucking hit a mailbox with my right hand

and I just go. And to be tripping and have blood coming out of the side of your face on my cheek, I had blood coming out. You don't give a shit. I did not fucking care. And I went directly up to Rockwood, which was this state park that John Rockefeller owned in our town.

Yeah. And all my friends were tripping, and we just fucking, oh, it was the greatest day. You blew off Saturday detention? No, no. I took it at Saturday detention. Oh, I see. Sorry, sorry. I thought you were on your way.

Good Lord. Yeah, yeah. Holy moly. What, you know, an incredibly un-PC joke. Do you remember the joke? Keep in mind, we're going to lose listeners. Keep in mind, this is an old joke and it's, I'm delivering it like, can you believe there used to be jokes like this? Please keep that in mind. Do you know the joke about mopeds? No. Why are mopeds, how are mopeds and fat girls alike? How? They're both fun to ride, but you never want your friends catching you on them. It's the worst. It's the worst. The best is watching a fat person on a moped. And the thing is there's black smoke coming out of the exhaust pipe and the thing's going 12 miles an hour. That engine is working. Well, remember the two fattest twins they were in the Guinness Book of World Records? No, on motorcycles. Right, which they look like tiny

mopeds underneath them, but they were in fact motorcycles. But that's the picture they chose. Their asses were hanging over both sides. Oh, it was like the motorcycle was wedgied up their butt cracks like it's what what are you doing get get a bigger bike for christ's sake yeah yeah um and then my brother had a motorcycle no my brother borrowed our neighbor's motorcycle his name was Lachlan McAllister. And he fucking went over a bridge. Used to be train tracks. And all that was left was the steel that the tears were on.

And he tried to ride it over that and fucking fell off and fell like 15 feet with the motorcycle. It was insane. But we wore helmets. Always wearing a helmet. Yep. All right. Should we hope we wore helmets. Always wearing a helmet. Yep. All right. Should we start this Sunday Papers? I guess.

We could just say goodbye. Although we have a special guest later. That's right. We decided to do the opinion page, the op-ed page. And so once in a while, well, depending on how this goes, we're going to have an op-ed contributor come on and do one for us. We don't know the topic. Hey, I had an idea for a bit on this show.

You know how we're doing obituaries, right? Yeah. And it's so, you know, obviously it's so sad, especially like one of them, you know, like Eddie Van Halen. And we was like, you know, just really, and we're like, then all this love pours out. Why don't we do instead of obits, why don't we do pre-bits? Why don't we pick a guy who we really like that we know we're going to be unbelievably sad when he goes, send them some love now, start maybe maybe whatever i'm flattering myself with how many listeners we have but you know maybe people will start listening to their music their movies that's

not a bad idea but is is it kind of uh putting a hex on them well i mean what if we do it for somebody and then they die the next week well they're gonna die die. So like Mel Brooks, we would do Mel Brooks now. Yeah, I guess so. And then maybe we send a link to Mel Brooks to listen to. That might be morbid, but I don't know. Well, maybe we wouldn't call it. Maybe we'll just call it a shout out instead of a pre-bit. Maybe we pick people who aren't super old and could go,

I don't know. I got to defeat the purpose. Maybe it's a crappy idea. Maybe next week we read the obit of this pre-bit idea. We'll try it. I think we got to find the right person and we'll try it. I think it's a good idea. I know you've been kicking it around for a while. Okay, so next week

we'll do the pre-bit for Mike Pence. Okay. around for a while. Okay, so next week we'll do the pre-bit for Mike Pence. Okay. Alright, here we go. Front page. Woo! Well, no, we forgot to do our first ad read.

Let's do that. Football season is here, folks. You like to bet. I like to bet. Makes the games a lot more fun. Damn, Brady. Here's a way you can do it from your own home and you can do it through uh nfl college ball and in your underwear i think you can still bet on the world series i'm not sure you can bet on the presidential race i know that that's fun i mean i think the odds are like six to one against Trump right now. Wow. That's not a bad bet because he came from behind last time with Hillary.

That might be smart money. I know. And that that debate, I think, helped him. Really? Yeah. But, you know, I think the last half hour did the last half hour. Fucking just it was summed up by Biden looking at his watch at one point. I know, but I I I know Biden had everything to lose and he didn't lose it.

But I think Trump really showed restraint. This is the problem. Like, I don't think he won the debate, but in terms of. think he won the debate, but in terms of moving voters, I think he did win the debate, but that's because we judge him on a curve. For instance, the bar is so low. If I see a monkey open like a jar of sauce, I'm really impressed. But what did he do? He opened a fucking jar of sauce. That's not impressive. It is for the monkey. Right. So that. That's how I viewed the debate. I'm like, oh, this monkey didn't scream and didn't throw

his feces at the other guy. That surprised me. That's kind of impressive. If you like to bet, you can do straight up bets. You can do parlays. Those are fun. Oh, shit. I almost pulled my whole thing down. All right.

So everyone's got a chance to win. Maybe you like to bet underdogs. Those are fun. When an underdog comes through, that is the greatest bet. Nothing is more fun than that. You want to bet on a monkey opening a jar and not being able to or a childproof cap? It's on there.

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Very islandy. Very islandy and chill. You had mentioned Jack Johnson. Had a Jack Johnson feel, which I liked. By the way, Jack Johnson, if you're ever just like hanging out, you need to fucking, you need to feel a little bit of motion. You don't need to be taken anywhere, but you need to just be fucking, just unlock the faucet a little bit of motion. You know, you don't need to be taken anywhere, but you need to just be fucking, just unlock the faucet a little bit.

Let out some, Jack Johnson, man. Jack Johnson. No, I would have gone to see him. He played the Hollywood Bowl, but I just, I can't be around that many dudes in flip-flops. Yes. So I didn't go, but you're right. He's totally chill.

He's one of those guys, you know, he was a great surfer and then skateboard. Then he made skateboard movies, I believe. And like everything he did, he, it's like a Spike Jonze thing. Like he got really, became one of the best at like very popular at it anyway. And then he like kind of fucked around with a guitar around a campfire type things and would play. And all of a sudden it's like, yeah, maybe I'll i'll put some of these down down to track and all of a sudden he has a hit album and then he just lives in hawaii he puts out music he lives the life he's with his kids

that guy's got it made yeah our logo which i love was made specifically for october 25th specifically for October 25th. And it is out on the website everywhere. Thank you to Brian Thompson. Corrections from last week. None. No mistakes. Not one mistake was made. See, that's what I'm talking.

Where's Anthony on that? Anthony had to have something. Maybe Anthony's sick. Oh, no. Yeah, I think Anthony's got COVID. Oh. You know what? I'm going to say.

Maybe he caught the. What? I'm going to say Anthony does have COVID. Then he can call in a correction. Well, what we'll say is maybe Anthony caught COVID. And then next week, feeble. You can't catch it. It's spread.

You acquire it. It's not COVID. It's Corona. COVID's the virus. Corona's the sickness. Now with mutations, it might not be 19. It might be 19.7. You don't catch a cough.

You produce a cough. Right. Exactly. All right. So it is time. Front page. Extra! Extra!

We all love it! Extra! Extra! Extra! We all love it! Extra! My favorite story of the week, our good friend Jeffrey Toobin, who I actually, I am a huge New Yorker reader. I just find the quality of their reporting, their writing, is just second to none. It is the best magazine out there. And Jeffrey Toobin is one of my favorite writers for the magazine. And he also is a big scene. Prolific guy, man. What's that? Prolific guy. I mean, he wrote that OJ documentary. I believe it was the OJ one. It was based on his report, his book.

Oh, no shit. I didn't know that. I believe it was the OJ one. Yeah. I'll look it up as you're talking. Go ahead. So anyway, they're saying now that he has little chance of resuming his former duties if his bosses at the Condé Nast and CNN choose to cut ties. Some people are saying that. Wait, have you explained what happened? Yeah, well, Jeffrey. Yeah, I guess I should. Well, Jeffrey. Yeah, I guess I should. Jeffrey Toobin, basically on a conference call that the New Yorker was having with, I believe, an NPR affiliate that they were doing a project with. He thought he was he thought mute meant you can't see him, which this is an intelligent man. I don't get how he confused the settings on his Zoom call. And he began masturbating.

And I guess at a certain point, you could see his hand on his penis. And I guess from what I hear, and Chris Denman, who's our producer, Chris, describe the photo that you saw of Jeffrey Toobin's penis. What a time to come in. That's what Toobin's viewers said. Yeah, right. Exactly. I think that name even,

like Toobin is maybe just a little too much. Like there's just, if you're Captain America, people get excited. They're like, oh, hey, there you go. If it's this guy, it's almost a, you feel bad. Well, it's also a name that is now going to be a verb.

Like, I was tubing. We have a new verb. I'll be there in a few minutes. I got to finish tubing. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So describe the penis, Chris. Oh, boy.

Really? And it was in his hand, or was it just out in the open? It was out in the open as much as it could be. I'd say tucked away is a good way I saw. Wow. So 60 years old, by the way. 60, yeah. Well.

I guess we're still going to, I mean, still be doing that, like as much as we are maybe. I'm hoping, God, I just really was hoping it would go on the decline. I say mine is on the decline, but not a lot. And I really believe that. But no, when I was 19, forget it. That would have been me. I mean, as you know, I used to masturbate in the back row of the school bus.

And I was known to masturbate in workplaces, shows I staffed on. Airplanes? In the men's room. Airplanes. Every time an airplane would take off, I would go in the bathroom and masturbate because I was nervous about flying and I wanted to take a nap. So I'm no stranger to this behavior. But. Where's the craziest place you ever masturbated, Mike?

Oh, my God. Well, I mean, yeah, the workplace, of course. I'm not even prepared to answer that question. I will definitely, definitely airplanes workplace. I remember, well, I, this is, so do you remember the first time you masturbated? Yes. It is obviously completely mind blowing. yes changes your life i will try to find the best language to talk about this as if like i wrote a coming of age pardon the pun like

but like short story but what happens is you are exploring yourself a lot that week because because things are percolating yeah and so there's a lot of touching with no fruition and, but you're being driven crazy. I was in seventh grade. I own a grammar school and then it was just that I would ride my bike every day. I rode my bike home, couldn't wait to get up to the bathroom, lock the door and go to town on like whatever. And maybe I had it had happened to fruition like the day before two days. But this day I come home was one of the first days I come home. I come in and my mom and sister are there and they look really sad.

And I'm like, yeah, what's up? Like, I got to get upstairs. And they're like, grandma died. And I essentially was like, I essentially was like, hold that thought. Put a pin in it. Put a pin in grandma. I'll be right back. thought put a pin in it put a pin in grandma i'll be right back and then that night going to bed i'm like did she watch me do that yeah like the whole night keep in mind i'm in catholic school where

i'm actively being brainwashed that there are supernatural beings that watch you yes and um and so i felt so guilty but i honestly did go up. I think I did the right thing and commiserated for a second. But I'm like, I'm going to go put my school stuff away. And like and I got right to it. Wow. Yeah, that's amazing. And do you think that's affected? Because I know you only date older women now. Do you think that? you only date older women now. Do you think that... Well, for me to be really turned on, they have to die. So does that lead... I don't think that

leads to a Netflix documentary on me. I doubt it. Does the smell of rotting... Of bodies under my front porch? Yes. It's an aphrodisiac. Glad you asked.

Oh my God. All right. But wait. I want to talk about this Toobin thing a little. So Toobin basically, they're saying now that he is... Some people are arguing that

he embarrassed himself, but it was a victimless crime. But then you have people like Rose McGowan, who guess what? She chimed in. So she said. What did she chime in saying? Some people who know and worked with Toobin at The New Yorker and CNN are still struggling with the notion that they could soon lose this respected legal analyst for what he describes as a mistake, even as the rest of the... Now, maybe she's supporting him. No, she's not supporting him.

No. It's hard to read that. They did. Yeah, I guess maybe Rose McGowan is supporting him. He's no Harvey Weinstein. Okay, so here's my question. And legally, there's a very big term, which is, did you, and I'm spacing on it now, but Toobin won't, he's a lawyer and a legal expert.

But was he under the impression that he had privacy? Yes, absolutely. Right. So that's a very big legal detail. If you were under the expectation, the normal expectation of privacy, they use that legal term in a lot of things like if what you were doing and now you're being filmed by somebody else. doing and now you're being filmed, you know, by somebody else. So, for instance, let's say you're in your home. You forget to pull the shade down on your window. You start masturbating in your home

and people outside stop and look in and then they keep looking in. And but you are clearly not doing it for them. There's no exhibition element to this. Believe me, I'm often wondered about that. So let's say that's believable. Yeah. How about let's do this. Let's do the very familiar situation. You are a woman undressing in your apartment. One of the windows doesn't have the shade down. doesn't have the shade down, never, ever, ever is a woman in trouble. And I, as a guy who loves to climb trees, I happen to be 12 feet in the air. It's just. As a guy who knows how to pick locks and open curtains, I'm telling you. No, but it's never crossed anyone's mind that it's the woman who should be blamed or here instead of the people who have parked themselves outside the open window and continue to look.

There was a woman when I lived in New York. I had an apartment and across the street from the apartment was a large window, plate glass window, and a woman's bedroom. She used to keep her curtains open, and every day between 6 and 6.30, she came home from work, got naked, took a shower, and then would walk around naked in her apartment. And I know that she knew because once in a while a guy would come over at night and they would start to fool around, and then she would close the curtains. And you're like,

like the graduates screaming, banging on your glass. Right. Yeah. You know? And, and it was, it was fucking weird.

I mean, this went on for a year or two and, and I was there. I'm not going to lie to you. I was at that window between six and 630 almost every day. Yeah. And when she moved to L.A., you moved to L.A. I moved to L.A. So Toobin literally had a window, a Zoom window. He left it open by accident.

I think these other pervs should be the ones who are being discussed. There you go. Right. Who knows if women were finger blasting themselves looking at too, but it could have been a mutual. Okay. I didn't go that far. Well, I think the question is whether or not you can now, in this post-COVID world, consider a Zoom call being at the workplace. Because if you're doing it at the workplace, that's inappropriate. I don't know, man. Once you have the accident in there and everyone believes it's an accident, I really think it's off of him now. He was in his own home and he believed, by the way,

that work was no longer in his home. Yeah. Right. It's very different than the handicap stall at CNN. Yeah. All right. In the ladies room. Should we do the Listeria outbreak? With a handicapped lady in the, what? Go ahead. Should we do the Listeria or Fukushima? I guess Listeria. Fukushima bums me out. But all right. So what's what's the one sentence Japanese about to release? What radioactive water? One point two.

Well, there is, as people know, the Fukushima had a major nuclear power breakdown. Let's just do Fukushima. Do Fukushima. I think it was because a tsunami, wasn't it? Didn't that or was it a hurricane? Anyway, the... No, it's from the 2011 nuclear disaster. So the plant contains radioactive carbon with the potential to damage human DNA,

environmental rights organization Greenpeace has warned. Environmental Rights Organization Greenpeace has warned. They claim that 1.23 million metric tons of water are stored at the plant and contains dangerous levels of the radioactive isotope carbon-14, which it says will have serious long-term consequences for communities and the environment if it is released into the Pacific Ocean. and the environment if it is released into the Pacific Ocean. So that's a lot of nuclear waste going directly into the ocean. I mean, put it this way.

Put it this way. If you're in Japan and you get some sushi, there's no more soy sauce in that dish on the side. Iodine. They're going to have to use iodine. I just think this is their sneaky way, new way of killing dolphins and whales. That's right. Those bastards. Yeah.

They hate whales. What is it with the whales that they hate? It's like a nation of Captain Ahabs. Meanwhile, here's America like, how dare you release nuclear water? You dropped two. Don't change the subject. Sure, there might have been bombs that killed tons of your innocent people. But you're about to put it in the water.

Right. You're about to put nuclear waste where it'll get exposed to people. Do you know the effects that that will have on people uh yeah yeah we kind of do yeah oh my god all i know is like the japanese fishermen are gonna have to get some stronger poles because those fish are about to go through a metamorphosis they're gonna be like fucking jacked up like superheroes. There's some joke in there about. I think you got good one. No,

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm not going to do that. People forget that. Now the Japanese girl, instead of running away from the nuclear, now she's going to be swimming. She's an old Japanese baggy woman swimming through nuclear water. She should do an update to her photo.

Oh God. Was that Japanese with the bomb related? No, you're thinking of napalm in Vietnam. Was it really? Yeah. So it was even more racist than I imagined. And I imagine I was saying the most racist thing I could think of. Wrong war, wrong toxin.

Wrong people. Wrong people. Wrong toxin. Wrong people. Wrong people. Wow. It's so bad. All right. Don't cut it. Don't cut it out. This is warts and all.

And hopefully the listeners can trust I'm not that guy. Speaking of metamorphosis, something is going on with Mitch McConnell. I saw that. He will not answer questions about his health Thursday, only saying that there were no concerns after reporters asked him about what appeared to be bruises and bandages on his hands in recent days. Now, if you're not watching us on YouTube, we've got the picture up right now. He literally has a black right hand and a brown left hand,

and he's got bruises on his face. It looks like his hands, not making this up, are wearing blackface. And bandages. And bandages. So imagine what they're covering, because why wouldn't you wrap your whole hand? Look at that thing. Yeah, I know. He should be wearing gloves.

Maybe God has a sense of humor, and he's turning Mitch McConnell black. This is the simplest. I would have put a big bandaid, like, you know, big meaning like three inches by two inches. One of those ones that you put on like your leg and just and just say like it's just for dryness. But look, that looks like we're seeing his corpse. It does. It looks like a corpse. And maybe he could say, look, I'm from Kentucky. I was I just stopped by the coal mines. I was doing a little work with the guys. or, you know, it's a lot of work, gerrymandering and just squeezing voters into the most awkward shapes to preserve my seat. Maybe that's how I injured my hands. He may get voted out. Can you believe that shit? I mean, that would be historic. I refuse to believe it, man. It is so, so shady there.

Yeah, I know. So shady there. Yeah, I know. With the gerrymandering and also he's in charge of every judge. He's in charge of everything in Kentucky. Yeah, right. He's in charge of the counting. And he's he's also done a lot for the coal miners. But apparently there is. I don't know why he's in danger. I don't know the whole political landscape there in Kentucky, but I did read that he is not that secure. Hey, listen, the reason he's in trouble is Kentucky is becoming, I believe, more progressive. Like I know Ben Hoffman's from there, and so I went there when we did the Ben show for Comedy Central, and we shot there.

We shot with, here you go. The gay mayor of Lexington, Kentucky. Oh, no shit. Absolutely. An incredibly liberal guy. And that he that he's even that the words gay mayor in Kentucky or even in the same sentence is a sign of, you know, where they're heading now. Wait, is he really gay or are they just calling him that because he wore a mask? No, no. And by really gay, you mean like three blowjobs at one time, like that old Louis C.K. joke? No, he's he's really gay. I guess I guess we're going to go with that term. He is definitely he is quite gay. No, he's definitely gay and married, I believe. No, he's definitely gay and married, I believe. And and I'm sure that was a huge issue, whether he could be married, if I do have that correct, that he's married. So anyway, you know, we're not talking about Lexington. I understand that. But, you know, there's a lot of students in Kentucky also. a bunch of schools, colleges.

And that's why, I think, because, you know, the needle's moved a little bit, thank God, from Mitch McConnell. I mean, his history there, it's just atrocious. So corrupt. Uh-oh, what do we got? Let's go to Santa Claus, Mike. Speaking of another old, incredibly white guy, Santa Claus will not be coming to Macy's Herald Square this year. Macy's said Santa Claus won't be greeting kids at its flagship New York store this year due to the coronavirus.

Interrupting a holiday tradition started nearly, wait for it, 160 years ago. Damn. More than a quarter of a million people come to see Santa and Macy's in downtown Manhattan each year, the company said, making it hard to create a safe environment during the pandemic. Before taking a picture with the jolly old man, crowds walk in tight quarters through a maze, a maze like Santa Land that's filled with Christmas trees, running toy trains and elves, blah, blah, blah. So that's pretty big news.

I mean, that's that's quite an interruption. It is. And it's and it's going to be tough on there's going to be dozens of red faced, badly groomed men who have no reason to take off three weeks of drinking this year. Yeah. And all those men dying to have you, a little kid on their lap. Right.

It's tough. It's tough to be a molester these days. They got a lot of eyes on the Boy Scout counselors and the priests. The last bastion of having a fucking stiffy on a kid's bum was giving out freak fucking toys at Macy's. You know, I think one of the reasons the whole tradition started was you obviously, number one, you kept this illusion, this lie alive that there's a Santa Claus.

Apologies to people listening to this. Hopefully you're not listening to this podcast. No one's listening to this podcast with their kids after my Vietnam Japanese debacle. Anyway, you know, to keep that alive. But I think another sort of functional part of it was the kids would tell Santa what they wanted. The parents would come get the kid. Santa would tell the parents what the kid wanted. But I think it became more useful than that. It's like, tell Santa what you want.

And it's like, I want a new train set or whatever. And then when the parents couldn't afford the train set, it was all Santa's fault. That's gone this year. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder if the parents should whisper in Santa's ear

first what their price range is, and then he can talk the kid out of it if he's going too big. I like that. You know, I never saw Miracle on 34th Street is based on the Macy's Santa. Yeah, I never saw it. And features, I've never seen it. Isn't there someone really famous starring in it? Yeah, the young girl is like, it's not Natalie Wood.

No, who is it? Is it? I don't know. John, will you look that up? Chris, will you look that up for us? Who the fuck is John? I don't know. Chris and John are like the same name.

They're like. Let's go with John. Let's just go with it. All right. Okay, related. We teased this story last week. We didn't have time for it. But this was disturbing.

And I guess you have to be, obviously, from the northern regions of America. But the Northeast has announced, the school boards have announced, with the advent of distance learning, there will no longer be any snow days. That's brutal. Those used to get me through the winter. Just knowing. And the best part was, it wasn't planned. You didn't know it was coming. No control.

Maybe you had 24 hours to notice. And waking up in the morning and looking out the window and seeing a drop of snow and going like, not only do I not have to go to school, I'm going to fucking sleigh ride. I'm going to make snowmen. It is the greatest joy. It I've never prayed harder in my life. And keep in mind, this is like when because when I was older, even when people were dying or living, I would be like a crazy just cliche. I would be like a crazy, just cliche. I would get on my knees. So I had an air conditioning unit we did in this apartment and you could see and monitor

how much snow fell. Like that's what I would see. And it would be like at around like three or four inches or something like that. I'm like, not enough, not enough. Cause it was still night. I'm like, not enough, not enough. Cause it was still night. I'm like, not enough, not enough. They'll plow. And then I would, and I would just not do any homework and put all my energy into praying. And then you would wake up and I sometimes would see, do you, do you remember, I think it was 77 or 78. It was like

three feet of snow. Yeah. I remember that. There were consecutive snow days called. They couldn't even get us to school the second and third days. Yeah, that was the great. And when I became about 12, we would go out, probably even younger, we would go out with shovels. Same. And we would shovel our neighbor's driveways. We would get $10, $20 for a big driveway.

We'd do the walkway in addition to the driveway and our house was so fucking backward we didn't have tools we never had a power tool i was shoveling with a fucking uh a spade it wasn't even a flat shovel it was a spade it took it would take me like an hour to do one small driveway but i I love it. And you're fucking back with her and your hands would get blistered because you go all day. And we had old neighbors that loved us coming. They give us hot chocolate. And then one day this motherfucker starts coming by with a plow. He had a plow, like a little track.

Yeah. And so we would race because we knew he was coming. And that guy drove us all out of business. That piece of shit. We would shovel out cars because the plow would go down the street and create snow banks that completely blocked in the cars. Yeah. No, there was no such thing as four wheel drive to the best of my knowledge back in the 70s. Yeah. And we're like for consumers anyway and so uh anyway no one in my neighborhood had them they all have the sedans and station wagons back wheel drive yeah yeah and so anyway yeah especially in a station wagon oh my god you

just fishtail like crazy so anyway we would then say we'll like shovel out your thing meanwhile we would shovel out their car completely completely throwing it to the sides, further sealing in the other cars. Then we'd go to their doors. Like you're really, you really need us to shovel this out. Yeah. And if it snowed the night before and then he got a little,

and then sometimes there'd be a wet, a wet snow and then it would freeze. The car would be, it would have six inches of ice surrounding the car. Yep. Yeah. The streets were closed. We lived in this dead end

and the whole end of the dead end was just snow forts for all the snowball wars that we would have. Yeah, yeah. Those were the days, Mike. We snuck up a little guy. And then we used to get in, yeah. Those were the days. We still had a couple old guys. And then we used to get it. Exactly.

Jesus Christ. Thank God our listeners are all younger than us. What's that? Yeah. Those are big names. Those are big names. Big names. Natalie Wood. But yeah, Natalie Wood was the young girl. Maybe are big names. Big names. Natalie Wood.

But yeah, Natalie Wood was the young girl. Maybe we'll watch it this year. She asked Santa for swimming lessons that year. Couldn't come through with them. Really? Natalie Wood drowned off Catalina. Do I have to explain my jokes like the racist Japanese joke that I explained? Look, I got ADHD.

I can't be present for everything you say. I need little 10 second breaks where I start thinking about laundry. But I'm not going I think I'm not going. We talked about this last night. I'm probably not going home to New York

for Christmas, which would be two years in a row. Two years I haven't seen my sister and her kids. And I'm really fucking devastated by this. Last year's on you, pal. There was no virus. Well, we had gone the year before. We usually go every other year.

And then we go almost every summer we go to New York. But obviously we didn't go this summer. We didn't go last Christmas. I think our Thanksgiving's canceled because my dad comes out every Thanksgiving and we go up to Ohio and do that. And it's actually great and like a real tradition now. And there's no way we can have him get on a plane like and and by planes are safe. Planes are safe. Planes are not going to be safe Thanksgiving week. Yeah, that's probably true. No way. My mom's coming out. My mom's coming out for two weeks. Can't wait.

When? Like a solid week before Thanksgiving. She won't be traveling during the rush. All right. But I don't know. There's a small chance we'll go home for Christmas. I'm not sure. Well, it is not.

It is not going well and the projections are awful we had a nice christmas last year we were up in mammoth remember that was amazing with tons of snow with tons of snow we did skiing and uh yeah your whole family was there my whole family was there you had you had way more adventures than i did chasing JoJo all around the mountain. Oh, my God. JoJo was snowboarding. And for some reason, somebody, I'm not going to mention names, taught my kids how to tree ski, to go in the fucking woods. Thank you. I might have done that.

And so JoJo just decides to freestyle. She just goes off. And, you know, you're supposed to tree snow. What's it called? Tree skiing? Tree skiing. You're supposed to tree ski. There's certain paths that go through. She just goes, no, I'm going to just fucking take off, takes off down a hill and we can't find her for 20 minutes. I'm looking around, I'm backing up and then find, I realized she's done it. And I realized also that that's a hill that goes down to nowhere so now i go down the

hill the snow is powder up to my waist and so i keep falling into it and crawling i get to the point where i have to take my skis off and walk through the snow and i get down to the bottom and there's a wall over a road that's about 12 feet high and i can see her lone fucking snowboard track going up to the edge of it and then it just ends like a mystery like so i'm shining so i take off my skis i jump over the the road and i start hitchhiking to get back to the lodge i don't know where the fucking road goes and then somebody pulls over and they go oh no you just walk walk by this under this bridge and then down so this asshole drives away i start walking through the bridge and now this is real powder this is accumulated because at the bottom of a hill i'm up to my

fucking shoulders in snow and i'm crawling with my skis on my shoulder and it's like a quarter of a mile i'm drenched in sweat. And then I come up and I finally get to the slope by the, uh, by the base camp. And as I pull myself onto the slope, I look up and I hear Jojo going, dad, dad, she's on the ski lift going back to the top. She had hitchhiked. She hitchhiked and somebody picked her up. She hitchhiked, and somebody picked her up. Hard cut to you frozen like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, just with your eyes frozen open.

You had been carrying your skis through two feet. Jojo! Jojo! Under a bridge, through a maze. Oh, my God. All right, should we have our guest on after this ad yeah why don't we read an ad then we'll have our guest on we'll see if he's uh he's not on yet so let's talk let's talk about here's a sponsor we absolutely love and i believe they have a crush on us it's txmq and uh these guys they do software i mean

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you're appreciating them as much as we are and they're supporting the show as you are by going to that website also uh we want to talk about a new sponsor we're excited about this is keeps why is it called keeps is your hair falling out why not fucking keep it yes this may be improvised copy go ahead um look hair is a big thing for guys it's promise statement go ahead it goes back to samson you know remember samson in the bible gets his hair cut off loses his power it's that's it's some deep-rooted shit sure so um i i started using um minoxidil when I was just losing my hair. And I may or may not have been a spokesman for one of the companies that has minoxidil. And so they gave me like a two-year supply.

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This is also the pills that – I forget how you describe the pills, but you know there's two products that help your hair. These are the generic versions of them. It's got the same efficiency, same FDA approval, all that stuff, but now you're getting it cheaper. So check it out. If you're ready to take the action and prevent some hair loss, go to keeps.com slash papers to receive your first month of treatment for free. That's K-E-E-P-S dot com slash papers. And again, support our sponsors. They support us. Are we ready for an op-ed piece? But did you mention two out of three guys are going to experience baldness and to get ahead of it? That is true. And, you know, me, you and our guest coming on now, Andy Kindler, have all experienced it. Yeah. But again, if you've

if you've totally lost your hair, the ship has sailed. But if you're struggling with it like Mike is what I view. So here's the deal. I've used some of these, but they do work. Look, this is what I will say. and it's not a criticism. Just don't think it's going to, you know, give you a good hairdo. They're not responsible for that. That's you. Mine's a disaster. I've got hair, but this is what happens with hair loss to me.

Every two weeks, you're kind of like, oof, this is a bad hair day, right? Like, you know, you don't have bad hair days before you're kind of like oof this is a bad hair day right like you know you don't have bad hair days before you're 30 and you're like oh this is this doesn't like i'm i kind of look like uh i'm getting some radiation from the japanese who poured into the ocean so then it's like then it's two days every two weeks then it's three and then eventually it's like, wow, this is a good hair day. That's how rare a good hair day becomes. But most of it's because of hair loss. And so you're just trying to deal with it. So this stuff really works though. All right. Mike Gibbons and Greg Fitzsimmons, both proponents of this. Now let's talk to our guests. We've decided to occasionally do a piece where somebody calls in with an op-ed. This week, it's our... Let me let him in first, and then we'll give him an intro.

No, no, let's talk about... Oh, God. This is our dear friend, Andy Kindler. Welcome, Andy. Hello. All righty. We should stop now. Oh, poor Andy.

He's so afraid of technology. Am I supposed to start now or do I count me in? Do I just start into the op-ed? Well, why don't you start? Hey, listeners, these faces are great. Yeah, you're missing it on the, if you're not listening to this on YouTube, you're missing half of the fun.

I think that Mike Gibbons has the greatest background i've ever seen that is my that is my go-to background right it's green screen you can choose whatever background you want oh some people must be nice no it's real it's I wish I was a showrunner. Whoa! I guess certain people have Cirque, and the other people have... Whoa! Hi. Is this like a Ted Baxter? Am I doing a Ted Baxter op-ed?

I have it all prepared. I've been working on it. My writers have been working on it. My Bob Hope writers have been working on it. Do you remember Ted Baxter would say, just one little clip I remember from Mary Talamore once. He's doing his old Mr. Formal, and they're

trying to get his attention, and finally they write it down because he won't listen. They slip a note, and he's like, this just in, you have something in your teeth. So good. That show holds up. Oh, my God. Except for the Connors.

Except for the Connors. That episode, I would say in sitcom history, the episode of the clown that dies and Mary Kansel is maybe the greatest sitcom episode of all time. A little seltzer down your pants. But here's the thing that's amazing to think about that show, was that show almost didn't go at all. Because then the first time they did a audience thing,

what am I, Mike Connors? Who am I, some kind of a 40s procedural actor? What is it with the hands on the face i thought you told him not to take ecstasy before the editorial it looks like a picasso painting of a jew no so what happened was uh james somebody did the warm-up and the bomb their first thing bomb and then they did another thing where they were afraid nobody would like wrote up but then they did another i wish i could get my anecdotes right all right listen let's get to it andy kindler has generously oh yeah i did yeah i'm a bad guy this week come on let's get to it you guys kept me waiting seven hours oh we're running a little bit late oh mike gibbons has

to tell it hasn't done with another one of his anecdotes about his 25 children. Hey, you know what? It's great to be a part of Boring and Boringer. That's the new name. That's the new name. Boring and

Boringer. Okay. I am... We don't even know what you're going to talk about i do know i do no we don't that's the oh you don't yeah we have no idea that makes that makes three of us yeah get it okay i got it i got it i hate myself i hate myself i hate this hairstyle i hate comedy i hate the way i keep commenting on everything it's not getting any funnier when i comment on anything why don't I just prepare material, make the material funny

to begin with, and then I won't have to spend seven hours berating the crowd for not getting it. What is the point of what I'm doing? Oh, no. To end up on a Zoom op-ed? You have a crowd in your apartment? What's that? You have a crowd in your apartment?

Keep it down. Over there. Okay. That's a very misguided aha moment that we just witnessed. Danny, don't pull that thread. Don't pull that. Okay. Forget that.

Yeah. I would like, this is an op-ed on the, on Fitz Dogg show number 55, Mike Gibbons said that people are wonderful and he loves to see them. And the best part of them is when they start small talk with you. And I want to say I disagree. People are horrible. And I will tell you why. You are wrong, Mike Gibbons. And then Greg Fitzsimmons said the thing I like about people is that everybody has their own soul. Well, I disagree with that, too then Greg Fitzsimmons said, the thing I like about people is that everybody has their own

soul. Well, I disagree with that too, Greg Fitzsimmons. And I would like to talk about something that is getting out of control. People putting large objects on the curb and thinking that the garbage company will pick them up. What is this, the

Waldorf? I mean, seriously, people. Oh, I don't know. I'm no longer using my waterbed that's connected to my hot tub that also used to house seven dead people. Let me throw that by the front curb. Look, forget about Neighborhood Watch. They should pay me to go through my building and knock on people's doors. Yeah, hi, Eddie. Yes, I was down by the recycling container today. You know that big box, that huge box?

That's the size of the container, Eddie? No, no, no, Eddie. Don't shut the fucking door in my face. Did you put that big box in there? That big box is supposed to be. Do you know what about break your stuff down? Do you not understand, Eddie?

And by the way, no, no. The, uh... The city's not going to take your old toilet and your walk-in shower that broke. You have to make a special call. Anyway, people, I certainly hope that this made

sense and let's continue on and make this year the best year. We might've given you the wrong assignment. Did we say it was letters to the building manager? Is this the co-op board weekly? Every week go down if someone has left a law and they don't leave i know you think they know and they're mailing addresses on it they think they're getting away with it they're fucking mailing dresses on the box i know a mattress with a huge urine stain might still be good yes you could You could cover up that urine stain. And maybe you could get another two years out of it. But what are you thinking, you son of a bitch?

Well, that's where the garbage goes. You deserve to be shot and put in a prison. Shot and then put in a prison? So you have a bullet wound and you're... I so steamed. Oh, here's the other one. Uh-oh. Op-ed.

Oh, a second op-ed piece. Op-ed. No, no. Same topic. Your cardboard box next to the recycling container. That's a nice... It's lovely. It does...

Oh, you're right. It does look good there. Oh it does oh you're right it does look good there oh no you're right someone will definitely the garbage people love to take other garbage from your house and throw it in it's exactly what they want you don't deserve to be breathing the same air as me forget op-eds every week cra think every week we need to check in on the recycling switch at Andy's place. Am I off topic? I'm just picturing a man.

I'm picturing a man in a condo and the breadth of his day. I am the old, nasty man in the condo. I never thought I would turn this way. I start to steam. Kleenex on the floor. If you lived in a condo, would you pick up a Kleenex from the floor? Yes, you would.

Naturally. Is it asking too much? And we'll be back with strange hat and even more horrible hat ear. Right. Don't forget, we're going to, it's the Hat Brothers. Too boring. I'm out of material now, right?

The Hat Brothers. That's a slam. It's not as mean as boring and boring-er. That was the meanest thing I've ever done. Yeah, that was a tough one. You know what? Sometimes you guys have to hear it. No, that was, that

I actually wrote for Opie and Anthony years ago. All right, Andy Kindler, thank you. You're our first guest in the history of sunday papers and it's an honor guys does he have anything to plug i have to plug it up please thought spiral my own podcast that nobody likes thought spiral and also you can still download Hence the Humor which was named by the Rolling Stone one of the top audio book slash digital downloads of the last

it's not that good they said I love you guys alright thanks Andy I'm sorry I didn't prepare no it was great sorry we were late fantastic it was perfect I love that guys. All right. Thanks, Andy. I'm sorry I didn't prepare. No, it was great. Sorry we were late. Fantastic.

It was perfect. I love that you're late. Now, I'm just curious. What do you have planned for the rest of the day, Andy? Hold on one second. I can't. Wait a second. Yes.

Tell NBC I can do the podcast. I'm still on with these guys. I'm on with these guys. I just have a number of press stuff to do today. Just some press stuff. So NBC has a podcast now? I don't know why I said NBC. Dare we ask Andy

what he thought of the Borat movie if he saw it? Oh my God. That movie, I'm not going to see it. And I have a nephew who loved the first one. I think it's going to ruin all our memory It's terrible, right? No, it's really funny

Let me finish Is there a new Borat movie on? It's about time Borat's back And he's even more stranger than ever We're about to talk about it Actually So if you guys liked it i'll watch it

yeah it's free it's free on that do you have amazon prime can you believe a guy like that talks to a jew like me and and without even like without even saying i know this is a terrible thing to say to a jew just goes right into it it's free andy it free. As if my little Jew ears would go. Oh, thank you. Thank you, Joseph Goebbels. And free means the company that's ruining the planet will let you watch it without paying more than you're already paying. Yeah. Yeah, Disney Plus. All the usual garbage plus one or two new animated crap

for $9.99 a month. There you go. All right, Andy. Peacock this. I got you, Peacock. Andy Kindler working blue. Very rare moment for him. Can you please get rid of me

as I'm still going? I got you, Pe your feed cock right here. Let the listeners know. Cut my video. Hey, Hulu. Hulu. Hulu, you. No one's cutting my video.

Let the listeners know that Andy right now is holding up a dogo like a Groucho Marx cigar. Oh, he's gone. That was a good one. He cut himself. Our first guest. How about that? That was pretty energetic. Yep. He's so good. Well, he said we couldn't call him in the morning. I don't think he does mornings.

He did not want it to be too early. I saw that. Yeah. All right. Look at us. Look at us. He took an op-ed very literally and did like, as if he was supposed to write about something he had seen in this podcast or listened to. Yeah.

That was very meta. I didn't know. I wasn't sure where he was going with that one. We should maybe be more clear the next one. It just could be like a letter to the paper about any issue. I think we did kind of say that. Yeah, I think I think comedians don't take direction. Well, that's one thing I've learned in 31 years doing this.

But he went the other way a little. He went more literal. Yeah, but it was great. Let's do some international news. All right. Okay, Poland. Oh, we love Poland. Yeah. Their highest court ruled Thursday that abortions due to fetal defects were unconstitutional.

Their highest court ruled Thursday that abortions due to fetal defects were unconstitutional. Around 98% of abortions in Poland have been conducted as a result of fetal defects, meaning the ruling bans virtually all terminations taking place in the country. So basically what they're saying is there's a near total ban on abortion now in Poland, except in the case of incest or rape. So, I mean, essentially, most women in Poland are safe. They can still get the abortion. That was a Borat-y type joke. I probably wouldn't have made that joke if I hadn't seen Borat last night. Well, the stat about 98% of abortions in Poland have been conducted as a result of fetal defects. If you read it closer, included under the list of fetal defects is if you have a Polish fetus.

So I kind of agree with the law. Like Like that's not exactly the spirit of the code. Yeah. Did you hear about the Polish woman who's having an abortion? No. The doctor said there's no fetus in here. The woman said, I thought the sign said it was a safe driving clinic. clinic. Okay. Any others? Any other Polish jokes?

Did you hear about the Polish abortion clinic? No. It got picketed by Dumb Lives Matter. Why won't a Polish woman get an abortion? Why? She thinks the equipment will chip her teeth? That's the old vibrator joke. Oh, boy.

Did you hear about the doctor from the Polish abortion clinic? No. Yeah, he was shot by a protester who said all life is sacred. I don't have one for how many Polacks does it take to abort a fetus. We'll just leave that hanging out there. I don't have a joke for it. Yeah. If you have Polish abortion jokes, please send them in. FitzDogRadio at gmail.com. and we'll read them on next week's show.

It's kind of meta. They're kind of abortions in themselves, these Polish abortion jokes. Florida, man. Florida, man. Oh. Tallahassee. This is what I didn't look hard for Florida, man. I didn't go for the low hanging fruit.

This is kind of a simple one that is very unlike the other ones. Tallahassee. Lee Wingfield, 63, bought a scratch off game at Publix in Tallahassee. He originally thought that he had only won $1,000. Quote, I originally thought I won $1,000, so I put the ticket in my pocket and went about my day. That night, I realized my prize had a lot more than three zeros in it. Wingfield chose to receive his winnings as a one-time lump sum because he had won $1 million and he took the $890,000 instant grab of the cash. Damn. Yeah, I can see how you can mistake $1,000 for $890,000.

Yeah. But, I mean, there's significant—I mean, it's double the amount of zeros, no? Yes, it is. Oh, I see. It said $1 million, not $8.99. Oh, I see. Got it. Got it. Still, it's- All I know is this is a Florida man, and I want to know, what's the under over on him spending this $890,000? How long is it going to take? I think he already owes the jet ski store money. Like he bought a half a jet ski too much. Right, right.

Or like whatever, teeth. It's just his dental bill alone. He's already in debt. Right. He asked for it in singles and went straight to Runway 69 in Tampa. I want them as a social experiment. This would be the greatest reality show. Put a body cam on this guy, throw a camera in his home and one in his car and just track him losing eight hundred ninety thousand dollars in three months.

We should start a reality show. give a Floridian a million dollars, and that's the show. And we follow that person around for two years. Yep. Two years. We watch all the – well, I'm assuming he'll be dead before the end of two years. Yeah. But all the relatives who come out of the woodwork, when anybody wins,

all the people who had forgiven maybe debts of his, all the people he avoids. You already know you've got a good candidate for the show. If you get a million dollars and you stay in Florida, that's wrong move number one. Right, right, right. The first thousand of the million should go towards a plane ticket and a moving company. Yeah. At least get to North Carolina. I mean, I'm not even saying that's a big improvement, but just get out of Florida.

Yeah. And then go back. When you run out of money, then you go back. How many confused people at like you know kitchen bathroom supply stores all over his part of like florida are like do we do we sell gold toilets i don't this guy keeps calling demanding gold toilets like those are the type of purchases that are going to be happening yeah yeah oh that's great um great. Entertainment. This is the section where we not only talk about new things, but we talk about what we've seen. We do kind of reviews. And this week we're going to review the Borat movie. What is it called? What's the new Borat movie called? I should probably... Chris, you want to look that up for us?

Yeah, he came up with a funny second installment type title. But it's Borat 2, basically. It's Borat 2, and while I would say it is not as funny as Borat 1, part of that is just because you've already seen that premise before. Right. But the bits themselves are really strong. Part of that is just because you've already seen that premise before. But the bits themselves are really strong. They're ballsy. And you know what?

I saw a different version, the one where he sings at a rally. And he goes up on stage and they're all singing along with him. Yeah. Saying racist things. I saw a version of that online like six months ago that was way funnier. And I think they had to pull stuff out because it was so harsh. Yeah. I remember, you know what it was? People leaked their iPhone footage from the event.

Okay. The real people there. Yeah. So you've got, you've got the long version, but then it looks like they settled on Borat's subsequent movie film. And what's the long version? Give me just a second. This was a gift of Pornographic Monkey to Vice Premier Michael Pence

to make benefit recently diminished. Right. But it was like, it was like non. Right, right, right. That part that,

uh, but it was nonstop bits. You know what I mean? Like it was okay. Hardware store. Okay. We're going into the, into the cake shop.

Okay. We're going to go into a family planning clinic. Yeah. Like it was just non. And then they even took one, which was a little weird because the premise is his daughter's here. And and they and they and it's he and his daughter. So he does all those. The hardware store at the cage. He does all these things. But then all of a sudden there's a random one like, OK, you need some money. OK, I'm going to go cut hair like and they were all great. I thought they were really I was laughing really hard. Yeah, I thought the structure really worked.

I think that like the idea that he was going to gift his daughter to Mike Pence and then later Rudy Giuliani to get closer to Trump. It just it gave them a lot of situations. And one of them was insane. They went to a debutante ball, which is, you know, for these girls that live in the South, this is like besides your wedding, this is the biggest event of your life. And it's about, you know, placing you in society and you coming out and being seen. And he goes in and he fucking ruins it for 20 or 30 of these debutantes. Yeah. I don't know how he got in. Well, I read the behind the scenes.

They are debutantes and it is this cotillion culture. And they were told that there was a movie being made on it, but they were not told what movie. Yeah. And then they probably then had to answer some questions that it's this foreign family, father and daughter. And then we don't want to spoil what happens, but to say they ruined it is an understatement. The girl playing as, I should have gotten her name.

The actress playing his daughter is so good. She's made a lot of news because they're Giuliani thing, you know, this week she is fucked. Giuliani is going to find ways to get back at her for the rest of her life for what she did. Now you didn't find it to be as explosive as I did. The scene with Giuliani. No, I think I wonder why he interrupted.

Yeah. So early. Listen, Giuliani comes across as a creep. There's kind of there's inappropriate touching. creep. There's kind of there's inappropriate touching. He does go into the bedroom. He does lay down. He does put he does put his hands down his pants. But that's what I mean. As soon as I saw that, I'm like, well, here's what I would say is I was still thought my mic was on or I'm getting my mic out. And to me, that's very believable. But why was he lying on his back on the bed? Well, she made it incredibly awkward. And this footage is all online and promos and stuff, too.

She made it incredibly awkward because I think she was trying to make it look sexy or whatever, you know, like taking his mic off. Yeah. And so there was an issue with the mic. Like she established that. Yeah. And I don't know. I didn't. It's total entrapment.

I mean, it would never hold up. And if this was if there were a charge of him doing something, it wouldn't hold up. It was total entrapment. Well, what I think is right. What I think, though, also is if there's no smoking guns, so to speak. It's not dead to rights, like, sorry. He didn't pull it out, yeah. Yeah.

He didn't tubing her. Right, there was no tubing going on. No mutual tubing, no solo tubing, none of that. But I highly recommend, me and the wife smoked a joint and then watched it, and we laughed hard. Yeah, I laughed. Same here. So I don't really trust my reviews. I'm psyched to see it when I'm not a little big.

Yeah. But it was really funny. And then we should touch on Social Dilemma, which you saw a while ago. I finally saw. It's a very important movie for kids to see because the amount, like when I watch TikTok, I know that my brain is being figured out. There's an algorithm that knows how many seconds I'm watching someone on a pogo stick

and how quickly I change the channel when they show me a certain comedian and it starts to learn me. But what you don't realize is it's doing the same thing on all the social media apps and that kids are, all they're doing is they're using the same technology they use in Vegas to keep people playing a slot machine, knowing these are like psychologists that study how the brain works and how to add dopamine drips to elongate how long you watch a clip. And then and then obviously sell you a product through an ad. Oh, yeah. No, but. Of course, there's the ads, right, and that's a big part of it. But some of the ads are candidates are for candidates.

Right. Some of the ads are for policy. Some of the ads are to change the country. Yeah. And to and to change things we do. looking at stories or videos that have like, you know, the touch on Mexican, criminal activity by Mexicans, it is going to feed you every story that justifies the wall. It's not going to send you stories that say, hey, the real big problem is in the mainstream crossings, which the wall won't even address. It's not going to send you those articles. Right. But if you're in the neighbor's house and you like seeing those articles that are like, hey, I don't I don't think Mexicans are the problem here. I don't think the border crossings are the problem. It's going to feed you all the stories on how, hey, no, it's when they're coming through legally that the drugs are coming through on trucks. They're not like coming through the Rio Grande tunnels.

Right. And so you and your neighbor get in this huge fight because you're both loaded with data proving your point. Yeah. No, it's it's yeah. They found flat earthers, people that were, you know, following flat earth stuff. And they just fed them. They knew that these are conspiracy theorists. And so they fed them every other conspiracy theory that then links to a candidate, basically, and how that candidate is going to stop Democrats from being pedophiles who are eating flesh.

By the way, did you go to that flesh eating party last night over at Tim Robbins house? Did you go to that flesh eating party last night over at Tim Robbins house? I didn't, but I was pretty full because I was at Ellen DeGeneres's the night before. Right. She had some great kids. And they're all women. They're all girls. Yeah.

Yeah. And they were cute and sexy. Yeah. There was one with like taco crisp shells and everything was delicious they didn't have enough they didn't pass enough napkins because it was bloody right but uh but it was still a nice party yeah yeah it was great and i love hollywood um but anyway so that's what that's what's it's the social dilemma. You should definitely watch it with your kids. What it's doing to democracy is, though, that's the thing that terrified me at the end. Yeah, I know.

That's what really. I mean, the thing it leaves you with is that we are becoming so far from each other and so hateful of each other. And there is no there's no scenario where this, it corrects itself. It seems to be, you know, both sides are going off a cliff. I know. Anyway, let's cheer up by going to sports, to science. Wait, are we on sports? No, we're on sports.

Mike, what do you got on sports? Not much, except goddamn Tom Brady. I don't know what happened in that game. What was our point spread? One point? The point spread was like eight points, and they won by 28 points. We're talking about our standing Tampa Bay bet. So Tampa Bay was at Green Bay, and was it at Green Bay? Yes.

And so I have eight points, and I look at the score and it's 10 nothing, which means it's 18 to zero. I didn't I looked at an update on my phone. I didn't even watch it. Small little thing happened after that. Tampa Bay scored 38 unanswered points and won 38 to 10. Right. No, no, no. Tampa was giving the points. That's what I mean. No, so it was 2-0 when it was 10-0.

No, no. It was 10-0 fucking Packers winning. Oh, I didn't know that. Oh, shit. Oh, you missed that? That was a fun ride. Oh, fuck. So I was winning 18 to 0. And then they scored 38 unanswered points.

Well, they're about to get either better or worse because they just signed Antonio Brown, who was, do you remember the problem player who had been at Pittsburgh, got thrown off the team? player who had been at Pittsburgh, got thrown off the team. Somehow Belichick picked him up for the Patriots because Belichick is like he can rehabilitate. He's rehabilitated players. Remember, he took Randy Moss from the Vikings. Randy was such a fucking problem. Nobody wanted to deal with him. And then he brought him on and he fucking indoctrinated him into his Patriots scheme and he became a great player. These are very generous statements. He did not exactly rehabilitate Aaron Hernandez. Good point. He doesn't give a shit. I don't think he gives a shit.

That's not the thing. The Patriots, it's called the Patriot way. He finds the damaged goods and some with so many red flags, other teams won't touch them. He gets them on sale. But now I'm wondering if we're incorrectly and falsely accusing Belichick of this. Maybe it's Tom Brady because Tom Brady was there when they got Rodriguez and Hernandez, I mean. And now we have an Antonio Brown going to Tampa.

Yeah. So Antonio Brown went to the Pats. Huge problems in the press. Dropped. And now he's going down to Tampa. Yeah. So Antonio Brown went to the Pats. Huge problems in the press. Dropped. And now he's going down to Tampa Bay. But he's a fucking he's a great player. So we'll see. Well, if any if any place can rehabilitate a problem person, it's Florida. Right. Right. And he's coming into a lot more than a million dollars right now, probably. Who are the who's Tampa Bay playing this week? I forgot. What did Chris say?

I'll tell you. Vegas. All right. And Vegas. And I heard rumors that Vegas has some Corona players. So that it's it's slated to happen. But I but they there's a chance it'll be postponed. You mean the Florida of the West? Vegas? Yeah, right. Jesus. Let's do some science.

I don't know. By the way, is there going to be a Super Bowl? Hold on. You think, how is the NFL working? The quarterback, you know, what's-his-face gets it the other week. Technically, shouldn't his whole team quarantine for two weeks? Yeah, technically. If you're following national guidelines.

Right. I will throw another 50 bucks on that. I bet that the Super Bowl will happen. Will it be the two teams that make it to the Super Bowl, or will there just be two teams left? Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. I would say no.

I will bet you that the two best teams in the league play in the Super Bowl. It's not going to be Cleveland versus the Jets just because somehow they're ignoring their virus. Yeah. It's going to be the two states that have the lowest corona rates. Yeah. Maybe like Minnesota against I think

is Minnesota doing well? Yeah, I think Minnesota is doing well. Where is the Super Bowl supposed to be? Chris, can you look that up? I wonder where, did they give it to Vegas? I think it's in Florida. Oh, geez. Oh, no, wait they give it to Vegas? I think it's in Florida. Oh, geez. Oh, no, wait. Is it in LA?

No, it's not in LA. Really? Yeah. All right. We'll find out in about eight minutes when Chris figures it out. It's a hard one to dig up. He's got dial-up internet in his office. Super Bowl, two words.

Did I tell you that? I did. I was on the red carpet. I was working for Kilbourne. They sent us down there. And I believe Super Bowl is two words. Whatever it is, people screw it up all the time. And so that was one of the questions I asked everybody who was at the Super Bowl, at the Maxim everybody who was at the Super Bowl at the Maxim which was the biggest Super Bowl party and then Les Moonves comes down the park so I'm like Super Bowl one or two words and people are like one word I'm like wrong two words wrong two so all night I'm like wrong two words wrong two words and anyway Les Moonves the president of CBS so by definition my boss comes down the red carpet,

like, Super Bowl, one or two words. And he's like, one word. I'm like, right, it's one word. Whatever you say, boss, you go keep grabbing ladies' asses. You just do you. All right, Chris, where is it? Supposed to be Tampa, but they're not sure that that's going to hold out. Yeah, wow.

Well, it'll be convenient because my Buccaneers are going to be playing in it. It'll be a home game for them. Man, Florida. I wonder how many times that's happened in history that the home team has hosted the Super Bowl. Never happened, right? Has it never happened, Chris? Watch this show turns into us just leaning on Chris. I don't think it's ever happened.

For an hour and 40 minutes. All right, let's get to science. Mike, you got a story for us? Love this. Love this very misleading headline. This is a real. It's from the Journal of Neuroscience. Happy endings.

This is the real headline. Happy endings could mess up your brain's decision making, study says. And it's a new study reported, as I said, the Journal of Neuroscience, that humans are hardwired to prefer memories with a happy ending. However, the effects of past decision-making experience can have an impact on the next decisions. And the research suggests that our best interests depend on decisions we make based on past memories. And what they're saying is sometimes what you should base future decisions on were ones where it wasn't such a happy ending and you're learning from your mistakes.

But our brain clouds that and we go to the experiences we've had with happy endings. Yeah. Think about marriage. I mean, people that get married three and four times they remember the wedding day they remember the trip they took to hawaii they don't remember fighting about when the trip would be what airline to fly on what couple they would travel with they remember the the sunset at the beach that night how about birth birth? How about, how about having another baby? I know, I know. You have two, you're totally on the fence about having a third and the debate or your fourth or fifth or sixth. And the debate is like, I know, but he'd be so cute. I know, but this, and maybe can afford it. What about the sleep deprivation? What about you become a much worse parent to your other kids for the first

year? You know, never mind the unbelievable pain and everything the woman has to go through. And destroying your body and, you know, but. Yeah, I've often wondered that with women, how they how anybody has a second child, having seen my wife go through it. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And the money that it costs. And she'd be menstruating again, and you're with your crazy, violent, sharp latching. My what? Latching onto her breast.

Oh, right, right. Delicious. Gross. Think about me. I've started three fucking podcasts. What the fuck is wrong with me? But I thought this headline was happy endings can mess up. The headline is happy endings can mess up your brain's decision making.

Yeah. How do you think you got in that massage parlor? You think that was a good decision? Yeah. Right. Right. You walked into a massage parlor and laid down on a table. The sheets have not been changed for the last five guys. Yeah. You've got a woman in there who is a sexual slave who was imported from Thailand against her will.

Yeah. And the cops could break in any time and send you to jail where you would have to spend the rest of your life knocking on doors as a sexual predator if you were caught. And it's your second time in there that day. Yeah. Total bad decisions. And what are they all rooted in? I don't know. Maybe the ending of that massage? That's right.

And you remembered that ending. Totally. You remembered that bored look on that woman's face while it looked like she was pumping a keg and staring at the clock. Oh, no. Just got a note from Chris Denman. In fact, a team in the Super Bowl has never hosted the Super Bowl. The closest probably was Miami, I imagine, because there were a lot of Super Bowls early on in Miami.

And Miami had an amazing team early on. Right, right. So no Northern. There have been, unless you had a dome, no Northern cities. There was never a Super Bowl in Green Bay. Dallas could have been a possibility. They had a lot of Super Bowls. Oh, yeah, you're right, Dallas.

But I just remember Miami, Arizona, and New Orleans kind of dominating. Yeah. Wait, did Dallas? I know they built the first state-of-the-art sort of modern, I guess you could call it, of the modern era. But before that, I wonder how many Super Bowls the city of Dallas hosted. I would bet six. No. That would be my guess.

Absolutely, I'm taking the under. Absolutely six. I know it. Hopefully Chris realizes what question is coming his way. I am going to bet the under on six Super Bowls in Dallas. Okay. No way. All right, let's get to some science.

Oh, that's science. We're going to skip business because we have a lot else to get to. Maybe we should have an Alzheimer's story in the science section. Go ahead. I also had two stories in this week's script that were from last week that i didn't remember we did oh get to this day in history all right our new segment which we've done on thursday papers a couple times first time on sunday papers this day in history On October 24th, 1901, a 63-year-old school teacher named Annie Edson Taylor becomes the first person to successfully take the plunge over Niagara Falls in a barrel. After her husband died in the Civil War,

Taylor moved all over the U.S. before settling in Bay City, Michigan in 1898. In July 1901, while reading an article about the Pan-American Exposition in Buffalo,

she learned of the growing popularity of two enormous waterfalls located in the... Anyway, she fucking did it and she lived. Right.

She inspired a number of copycat daredevils. Between 1901 and 1995, 15 people, that's it, have gone over the falls. Ten survived. Among those who died were Jesse Sharp, who took the plunge in a kayak in 1990, and Robert Overcracker. Overcracker. I wouldn't go over a fucking rapid if my name was Overcracker. Overcracker. I wouldn't go over a fucking rapid

if my name was Overcracker who used a jet ski in 1995. And yes, Overcracker was white. So you put this story up there and I love it. So a couple of corrections. No, no. One correction. You're like only 15 people

have gone over the falls in that time since then. Just so you know, an estimated 5000. Those are so the correction is those 15 were allowed or planned like daredevil things. That's none of the suicides. Or accidents. An estimated 5,000 bodies were found at the foot of the falls between 1850 and 2011. On average, between 20 and 30 people die going over the falls every year. The majority of the deaths are suicides. Most take place from the

Canadian Horseshoe Falls, and many are not publicized. The mortality rate, though, of the deaths are suicides. Most take place from the Canadian Horseshoe Falls, and many are not publicized. The mortality rate, though, of the daredevil attempts you talked about is about 25%. Wow. Yeah. And by the way, there's two falls. So there's the Horseshoe Falls, the American Falls. There have been no recorded cases of people surviving the trip, even in a barrel over the American Falls. All of them are over the horseshoe. Anyway, I watched this quick documentary on it. And what I noticed in stories, I'll try to make this quick, in stories and in the documentary is I think there's a lack of sympathy for these people who choose to go over the falls because it's pretty cold and how. So I'll just read you. So these are quotes.

On June 5th, 1980, 20 year old Jesse Sharp of Tennessee was so confident he would survive his dance with the devil in his tiny red kayak. He made dinner reservations later that evening. His crew captured his crew, captured this dramatic photograph as he plunged to his death. Okay, here we go. Just after 12 noon on October 1st, 1995, a quiet 39-year-old man from Camarillo, California, tried to jet ski over the falls. He said he was doing it to bring attention to the homeless in California. Soon after, his tattered floating body was found clad in a life preserver right below the falls. It's so crazy. Is that a metaphor for homelessness in California? for homelessness in California.

Okay, one more. No, two more. July 19th, 1853, Joseph Avery and two other men had been working on a... Oh, no, this was just... These are just interesting ones. I copied and pasted right before the podcast. 1853?

Yes, this one. June 19th, 1853, Joseph Avery and two other men had been working on a scow, I don't know what that is, and drinking and attempted to row from Goat Island to the mainland when their boat capsized. The two other men went over the American Falls immediately and died. Avery grabbed onto tree roots growing from a rock just east of Chapman Island and weathered the current for 18 hours.

Several attempts were made at rescue the next morning, and a boat, finally they figured it out, a boat tethered to the Goat Island Bridge was guided downstream to reach Avery, and it did, and he was able to climb on board the boat. And the boat immediately capsized, throwing Avery back into the water and over the falls. No. No shit.

Whoa. Did he die? Yes, totally, immediately. No one has ever survived going over the American Falls. Oh, my God. I heard about this guy who was flying a plane from Cuba to America. And halfway across, he had engine problems. Plane crashed into the fucking, I guess that's the Gulf.

Crashed into the Gulf. Survived. Yeah. Grabbed a piece of the boat. Was floating. Eaten by a shark. Perfect. Here's the last one. October 22nd, 2003. Kirk Jones went over the falls and became the first personum, swum a hundred yards before swimming over the falls.

Jones and his friends had been drinking before the incident and had planned to record the event. Although his friends were not able to operate the recorder. Imagine him coming up like, did you get it? You didn't get it? Jones was fined $2,300 and banned for life from entering Canada. He said he's going over the falls, which was a suicide attempt. He said that, by the way, to get out of the higher fine that it was a stunt. Anyway, you're wondering where Jones is today. In 20 in April 19th, 2017, he went up and did

it again and died. No, swear to God. No shit. Yep. See, that's being an adrenaline junkie. That's a guy who did it once. It's the craziest rush you could ever have. And he went into a depression after that. And he felt like the only way I can get back up there again is to do it again. Look, you're an addict. I think you know this. Well, it goes back to that other story of you only remember the good part.

You don't remember the fucking crashing into like after a 500-foot fall into freezing water and getting churned around like you're in a washing machine all those all those people are pretty beat even in the barrels very few of them were unscathed pretty beat up by the way i also i went down this wormhole or whatever the woman that you talked about are sort of this day in history. Interesting fact about her. Two weeks before she did it, she put a cat in a barrel and sent the barrel over. And the cat lived. That's true. Then they immediately took the cat and they started doing makeup experiments on it.

And it died in the lab. Right. I wonder how its brain is going to react as we put eyeliner on it. Let's put some probes in its head. Oh, my God. I was there. I went to the falls about two years ago. I'd never been.

I've never been. I was in Buffalo and I took an Uber over and it's fucking powerful, man. I mean, you stand there at the top and you look at it going down and you see how strong that current is. And then you take an elevator down to the bottom and you see it landing. And there's this huge mist. They give you a plastic wrap and goggles to wear so you can walk out and get near it. But no, it's magnificent. It's really something.

Get this. You probably didn't know this. I learned this in my whole derailment going into this. In 1969, they stopped the falls. Really? They stopped the falls. They found two skeletons and tons of coins, because I guess people throw their coins in.

They, yeah, I had no idea they could even have the wherewithal to do that. But there was huge worries. They rerouted it. They dumped a lot of rocks and dirt in and rerouted it. And there was a lot of worry, first of all, what that would do. But could they ever get it back? Because so much of the economy there depends obviously on the falls yeah i read this book about the jonestown flood and that

basically they they jammed up the falls because the rich there was like a rich country club that wanted that had like the carnegies and all this all money. And they clogged up the pond because they wanted to be able to boat at the country club. And they did such a shitty job. They did it with mud and some boards. And it built up and it built up and it built up over a few years. And then it burst and fucking thousands of people died in the towns below it. Oh, no.

It's such a tragedy, that story. Yeah. Anyway, Sunday papers. A lot of fun this week. A lot of fun stories this week on Sunday papers. Let's do, should we do letters to the editor or ask Amy? We're at 145, by the way. No.

I guess, do we have any good letters to the editor? Well, I know for one I love is this woman, and I wish I could see a picture of her. Her name is Joanne. I seem to have a crush on you two. See, okay. I think we never have time for those types of letters, so I'm glad we got it in this week. Yeah, I'm glad we snuck it in. I'm not going to belabor it, but thank you, Joanne.

There's one that says uh you wanted to read this one clay vorhez says love the thursday morning podcast refuse to listen to the sunday papers because it's probably a shit show that being said and without any knowledge or fact i think greg fitzsimmons balls probably look like burt mustin twins. Who the fuck is Burt Mustin? I don't know. Is that the one I wanted you to read? I don't recognize that one. I thought it was.

It's all right. Well, let's save them and get to the obituaries and then the funnies. We take you down with the obituaries, bring you right back up with Blondie and Agger and Andy and the family circus. Okey doke. That's all folks i thought i wanted this guy wasn't famous but i thought he was an interesting story and one of these guys one of these greatest generation guys where you just look at and you go like man i i what life have i led compared to these guys a u.sS. Army veteran of World War II who drove a tank through the gates of Dachau. Dachau?

Dachau, I think. Dachau? Concentration camp, liberating its prisoners from the Nazis. Fiesel joined the U.S. Army in 1944, became a tech sergeant in the 12th Armored Division, driving a Sherman tank. He was driving the tank that rolled up to the front gate

on April 29, 1945. Told by his commanding officer to drive the tank through the gates, Wow. his degree in mechanical engineering later worked as a design engineer for standard oil and amaco before becoming an international advisor and senior operations manager with amaco chemical i mean it's just amazing but can you imagine if you're you work at amaco and it's like oh jesus fiesel's here fiesel's here for work. Fucking barrels through the gate every day. Comes home from work. Drives through the garage door. Yeah, dad's home. Imagine walking around.

How many miles to the gallon does that get? My tank got a half a mile to the gallon. Not even. Yeah, right. Wow. And he can be as anti-Semitic as he wants because he can always just go, I saved 30,000 Jews. I could say they're cheap or they have big noses. And there's a lot, a lot of really fascinating stories about the last days of the war.

You know, when word hadn't gotten around even that it was over to some places. Yeah, right. There's really interesting stuff like that. But he, yeah, that's pretty interesting. Dude, you're fading. Mike Gibbons is fading. You're gone. I am.

But, you know, what happened is he then worked for oil companies the whole rest of his life. So, you know, I pause on that, I guess a little, I don't know. But what I will say is this, I don't know if this gentleman, um, Jim Fiesel did go get his, his engineering degree with the GI bill, but I will say that greatest generation, one part that they were great is their country invested in them. First of all, they owe them a huge debt, which they recognized in most cases. And when these GIs came back from doing amazing things like this or any service over there, quite honestly, and making that sacrifice and almost dying, I'm sure most of them, and of course many did. Well, when they came back, their country was like, hey, college is on us. Yeah, right. College is on us. We're

going to give you interest-free loans if you want to buy a house. We're going to help you buy your home. We owe you. And we actually think it'll be a really good investment that'll pay off with unbelievably prosperous years for generations to come. And they were right. Yep. That's where we are now. We need to reinvest in the infrastructure, give money to the people that worked hard and deserve it. Podcasters. Nope.

It's called socialism. Sorry, Greg. Speaking of socialism. Funnies. Hager the Horrible. Let's start with him. He's always fun. This is a big one.

This is a long one. This is a Sunday one. I'm going to skip the first two frames. Hager and his boys are charging into a castle. I'm going to I'm going to script one frame of Family Circus. How does that sound? And he gets to the stupid guy says, look, a secret room moves a bookcase. And he says it's in the wife, the king and his wife who are being marauded right now.

Their house is being raided in the first wife. The queen says it's a hidden fortune. Looks at the king and says, why didn't I know about this? He says, I was saving it for a rainy day. And then the dumb guy goes, you live in England. But the funny thing is that they're not raping the wife. And I'll tell you why. They purposefully made her extremely homely so that it wasn't distracting.

Hager's walking out with a treasure chest in his hands. The woman is standing there unmolested. Yeah, it's a lot of frames and setup in this context of Vikings for the it rains a lot in England joke. Yes, it is. It is. Yeah. There's a lot in England joke. Yes, it is. It is. Yeah. There's a lot of character development.

So you don't think they're going to come back and rape her? They seem like they're kind of smiling with having the treasure, like they are satiated. And this was a successful raid. And she's got an overbite and a pointy nose and a bad disposition. I think she's hands off. Maybe this was one of the years where

the Vikings had a resolution like, I'm just going to float the idea. Let's just do it for one year. Just the pillaging. We're going to remove the raping. We're going to remove the raping. We're going to focus all our resources on pillaging.

I think we could pillage a lot more if it weren't for all the raping. I think the raping is really tying us up when we land. And by the way, let's up the murder, because when we murder, we get out of there so much faster. Yeah. And keep in mind, with all the raping, we're then bringing home diseases to all the women we continuously rape the other months of the year at home. And the ones we brought home after the rape, we're giving them the diseases. So let's, little T.O., let's see how it goes. Yeah. Just pillaging. We'll crunch the numbers in a year.

We'll see how we're doing at the next meeting. Let's get to our friend Andy Kapp. Andy's walking down the street with his wife. Why don't I know her name? Flo. Her name is Flo. Punching bag. She's got a purse, and he says, never mind about us waiting.

We get home. Let's have it out right now. Here and now. He wants the fist fighter. He's got his fist clenched. In public. So she says, Hold on to my shopping for a second.

She hands him a couple bags, and then she punches him in the face, and he falls over backwards and says, They have no trouble acting like men, but when it comes to acting like gentlemen, dot, dot, dot. She kicked his ass. I love it.

Yeah. The domestic abuse and handicap flows both ways. That's why people enjoy it so much. It's a good one to see. I like that one. Family circus. What do you got, Mike? Of course, nothing.

It's a dad. The dad, I guess. I never want to learn their names. I don't give a shit. Standing in a room, there's like a chest and there's toys strewn all over the floor and this dumb, young, little

kid is sitting on the floor holding a dinosaur. And the dad says, if you only wanted to play with the dinosaur, why did you get the rest of these things out? End quote. So what I just read to you was what a parent would say to their child who did that. That's what any parent, especially an unfunny one, or certainly a parent who's not trying to be funny at all. That's the words you would put together to express your question. That's what this is. Wait, so where's the punchline? I'm assuming it's still in the chest

and that the kid forgot to take out one thing, which was the fucking punchline of this piece of garbage. Right, right. Not only is it unfunny, they dress the dad in the most boring clothes. The kid isn't cute. And yet this thing has been around for 70 years, three generations of writers. Is it just did someone forget to fire them? I, it's one of those things. It's like, I guess this is like,

just you punch the clock. No, one's going to see if you work. Yeah. But you punch the clock that day, I guess. Right. I mean,

there's certain sitcoms that stay on the air and you just go like, is the network not paying attention to what the world thinks about how fucking bad this, I'm not going to mention shows. Cause who am I? I've never had my own show on the air. Remember the show? I will.

Remember the show Becker? Yes. That went to syndication. Yep. And that was. I've never met a single. God bless Ted Danson. I love him.

I have not met a single person who's ever seen Becker. Arliss on HBO was on for about 10 years. Everybody hated it. Nobody watched it. Do you know the dirty secret? What's that? I worked at HBO, as you know. More people watched Arliss

than the Larry Sanders show. And all of us at HBO were mortified by that statistic. No shit. Yup. It was embarrassing. I also heard that the guy who was Arliss,

his comedian, Kevin, I forget his name, was best friends with the head of HBO. Maybe, maybe. Sandra Oh was in it. I remember that. I mean, yeah. She was great. But wait a minute. What was the show? There's one show that baffled me. It's like a goddamn screensaver on TV because it's in syndication. Like someone in the city. What? Oh, I know. Caroline in the city. I don't know if it was Caroline in the city. All right. I'll come up with the next week. Our podcast is getting too long. It's something sick.

I can't even remember the female star's name, and it was based on Caroline. Did you say Caroline? I'm going to look it up. I think it was Caroline in the City, wasn't it? You start Blondie as I look it up. There was also the one Reba. That show Reba was on for a long time. Well, I know.

I mean, that's a Southern, you know. Yeah, yeah. They had their audience. Let's round it out with Blondie. Dagwood walks in the door. Blondie's got on a sort of a lime green, almost the color of like a lemon meringue pie. And her breasts are floating above perfectly flat abs shading them if it was a

hot day out her stomach would be in the fucking shade black velvet skirt which we see a lot of and uh hair is done right he comes in he gives her a kiss but it's a pretty solid kiss they both have their arms around each other and he says what's what's new, honey? She says, you don't want to know, dear. And he goes, that bad? She goes, I'm not saying. And then he goes, good. Thanks for the heads up. And she goes, we can chat after dinner.

And I only read this because I'm wondering, I want to put this out there. What could Blondie have done that she would care this much about repercussions from this fucking lackluster piece of nothing. And what does that say about female status in this comic strip? You know, he goes to work and almost gets fired every day. Mr. Bumstead fucking hates him. He's always cutting his pay, giving him more work. She has had to become a caterer. If you don't follow the comic strip, she's had to take up a

job, which in the 1950s was disgraceful for the man. And yet he comes home and she's got to hide bad news from him. Give me a fucking break. Maybe she met someone. Oh, maybe this is the one. Maybe she met someone. Oh, maybe this is the one. Maybe we got some good news next week. She's fucking Popeye. You know the old, like, we have to talk, which is never good news? Yeah.

Because she's like, we can chat after dinner. After dinner is better because then you can each go your own separate ways. You've eaten your meal. I waited for my wife. Let's put her on the podcast. Oh, boy. Hi, hon. Just talking about Blondie's tits.

Hey, baby. What on earth is happening? Well, we're just hanging out. What are you doing? What does she mean, what on earth is happening? I thought you were coming back. Okay, so you're just hanging. No, I'm on the podcast with Mike. It's Sunday Papers.

Say hi to everybody. Aren't you done? No, it took a long time because Andy Kindler called in. We're at an hour and 59 minutes right now. We almost did two hours. Fantastic. Yeah. Okay, goodbye.

Do you love me? Yes. I love you, too. Okay, bye. Yeah. Okay, goodbye. Do you love me? Yes. I love you, too. Okay, bye. Bye. All right, that's a nice way to end Sunday Papers. My wife is at home waiting for me. My daughter's out.

I'm going to throw a move on the wife and see what happens. You think you're throwing a move on the wife after that call? She doesn't care. Maybe she'll let you watch her. Yeah. I may have to do some dishes or something when I get home. Yeah.

Mike, we did it. We had our first guest. That was fun. Yeah. Maybe we'll try that again. I think two hours is probably too long. I think we both ran out of steam about 15 minutes ago.

I'm done. Done. But we completed it. We want to thank Chris Deniman, Beth Hoops, for helping us out at Midcoast Media, always doing a fine job. I want to remind you guys that Fitz Dog Radio comes out on Tuesdays. Childish comes out on Wednesdays. And I've got a date coming up.

We talked a lot about Tampa Bay. That's where I'm going. I'm going to SideSplitters on November 19th to the 21st. Get your tickets at FitzDawg.com. It's going to sell out because they're only doing half capacity. So you want to get your seats sooner than later. Mike, anything to plug? I'm not plugging that Tampa date.

I think it's going to be canceled. I don't know. We'll see. I wonder what the over-under on going to Florida is in late November. You want to put 50 on it? Nope. Okay. Again, the bet involves Tampa.

Yeah. They're driving me crazy. I could become that week's Florida Man story. By the way, watch next week, because I watched it. So I guess as a plug, the Netflix documentary American Murder, The Family Next Door. Good. It is. You know what it was?

It uses just raw, firsthand, unnarrated footage, like from the interrogation room, from the cops, things. But here's the nice thing about it. It's one and done. Old 90-minute documentary, not a series. All right, I'm in. We'll watch that. That's what we're going to review next week. Don't forget to check out Borat's new movie. And thank you guys for listening. Happy Halloween, everybody. Happy Halloween. Take it.

Tape it to a broken window. Stick it under the cat box. Wrap yourself in it like paper mache. Go as the tin man for Halloween. There we go. God bless. Take care. Grapefruit Simmons and Michael Gibbons

are the weekend saviors.