supermegashow - EP 247 - Talking w/ Jakob

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

In this episode we talk! With our pal Jakob! Get Honey for FREE at JoinHoney.com/MEGACAST. Visit ExpressVPN.com/SUPERMEGA, and get three extra months for free. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at MintMobile.com/SuperMega As a listener, you’ll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at BetterHelp.com/SuperMega Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs projects done well. I absolutely love this because, you know, if you own a home, it can be really hard to maintain. It's hard to find people that can help you for a big project or a small. Well, whether it's an everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now, all you need to do is answer that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need. Angie has over 20 years of home service experience, and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app, answer a few questions, and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish.

Or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly. Which means you can take care of just about any home project in just a few taps. Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I.com. Is this talk this close to it? Like a fist away is what Joe Rogan says. That's what the samurai said too.

Okay. He said you got to hold it a fist away from your abdomen. Well, just like the samurai, we're doing something just as noble and something that will be passed down through generations. Because if our children aren't podcasters, there will be some hell to pay. If we have kids. You guys are going to have kids together? Huh?

You guys are going to have kids together? You know, I might adopt just for fun. Just for a video. Ryan, can we mix our sperm together like and give it to a woman not sure that's how that no no i mean like it's a 50 50 shot of whose kid it is but we never truly know so we love it as if it's our own type even though it's like pretty obvious whose it is i feel like with you and i like maybe like no i feel like pretty like instantly we'd know. Depends on the girl right? Cause her genes you know. 50% of it. If we choose

like an Asian woman then we'd have a very hard time telling whose it is at first. Or is that your first go to? Well the Asian genes would dominate the white genes. Yeah why does she have to be Asian? Because Asian genes dominate white genes. Why can't she be She could be black. Why can't she be white? But I think of black genes dominate white genes. They do but I think of the But I think of... Black genes dominate white genes. They do, but I think of the races.

I think Asian... Black genes dominate white genes. You know what I'm saying? Why is there a Henny and a gold chain in here? Because Toon Mad was here a couple episodes ago. Did you bring that for him? No, I didn't bring the Henny for him. He brought that himself.

This is very loud. He left it here. Yeah, man, you can wear that chain if you want. I don't want to wear the gold chain. It feels nice to wear. It is. It's a nice chain to wear. I'll have some of that Henny.

You want some? Do you really want some? Do you like Hennessy, dude? I've never had it. It's disgusting. I do not like Hennessy. I don't think I've ever had it. Take a little sip.

Oh, shit. Tell me what you think, man. There you go. Is this the perfect time to introduce? This is the best time for... Do you want to introduce yourself as you're trying this delicious Henny? I hate the smell

In the words of David Letterman, our next guest needs no introduction Dude, what the fuck? That's so much I'm sure the mic picked up the like fucking He looks insane right now Bro, that was like four shots worth of hitting. I have a flight after this.

That was going to help you get through it, hopefully. Yeah. Do you usually go to like an airport bar before a flight? No. Sorry. Give me a second. No, I want to get right into the questions. Yeah, I love the airport.

This is like hot ones. I went to the airport. I have a dry sandwich. Hey, what's up? You good, man? That was an impressive amount. I didn't think so much was going to come out. It was too late.

Like a cartoon-ass sound effect. Like when someone drinks a potion and you're like, oh shit, was there like a... I thought I was just going to get one shot. Were you in shock for a little bit of it? Is that why it's so much entered? You got to learn just to accept it, you know? Yeah. I mean, yeah, once you start it, it's like, you know what?

If I just have a little bit, I'm not going to feel anything from it, but I'll have the awful taste. So I might as well have enough where I at least feel good from it. Ryan, taste it. Dude, I hate alcohol. I hate the taste of alcohol in general. Then you'll love Hennessy. It's cognac, dude. It's very fancy.

I can't even remember the last... I think the last time I drank was for a drunk drawing. No, wait. No, I didn't even have any at the barbecue or whatever, right? Dude, it's delicious. It tastes like soda. Did you have a white claw or anything when you came over the other night? No. I like that.

It's just really good Foley. Drink this potion. It does look like pirate drink you know what i mean that's what the pirates drank at that you're not gonna hear a lot of glugs i'm just gonna do a little do what he did no god no oh why'd you do that it's just it's just uh liquor hennessy's not like expensive is it it's pretty cheap pretty cheap, right? I wouldn't know. Because cognac gets really expensive and I think Hennessy's like one of the cheaper options.

Cognac? You like it? Now imagine how he felt. Well, it's like I if I'm gonna get drunk, I don't like doing the whole route where like I take a while with like a lot of white claws. Like I'm just gonna take like a few shots and like be like for like five seconds that's how i feel yeah yeah i just you know you line up four shots i don't want some sprite and you're done i

don't want to have time to have like 10 white claws to get to where i could with like three shots or four shots yeah yeah i mean that's the thing man it's like when you're booking a flight you're not you don't want to pick the one that has a bunch of layovers, right? When you're booking a flight. When you're booking a flight, you don't want to pick the one that has all the layovers, man, and the connecting flights. You want to get the direct flight, right? The fastest option. Unless you're flying into Greenville, then you'll probably have to get a connecting flight.

No, I have a private jet that takes me from Los Angeles to Greenville. And speaking of private jets, our next guest, you can find him in Epstein's Flight Logs, Jacob from Offcanny. Hi. I'm not in Epstein's Flight Logs. Well, go online and look that up. The records tell a different story. Do you think he ever just lied and just wrote famous people's names?

He easily could have. He loved the Simpsons and that's why Matt Groening is there. Even though there are stories of like... If someone pisses him off, he's like, you know, eventually this is going to come out. So I can just be like... Well, Matt Groening, you know, that really upsets me. That the creator of the Simpsons is on Epstein's flight logs because... Getting a foot massage?

A, I have a Simpsons tattoo. This is directly drawn by Matt Groening. It's like if you had a fucking full back tattoo of Bill Cosby. Well, uh... Oops. I'm in the process of getting that.

I only want to talk about that after it's gone. I can't talk about it. There are a lot of people who had Bill Cosby tattoos. Like a full back piece. Like the ones where he has his fist on his chin, you know? If you get a tattoo like that, and then when you find out something like that, it's like your first thought is it's not, oh, those poor victims. It's, oh, shit, my tattoo.

That's going to be your first thought. Remember, dude, remember like he did that to himself because it all started when he posted that fucking picture of himself with the cap the little the cap and he's like smiling at the go ahead me yep and then people mean bill cosby wait what he he put out a picture and he went just it's like a with him with like a golf hat or something he's like go with the camera go ahead and meme me you printed it out and like i drew a picture of it on our whiteboard, remember? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a very realistic picture of the whole tweet.

You know what Bill Cosby did, right? Like he made like Little Bill. Yep. He made Little Bill and he also has Cosby Show. And- Oh. Fat Albert. Fat Albert, but also kids say the darndest things.

Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Kids, and they do. That's the thing. Kids do say the darndest things. Yes. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Kids, and they do. That's the thing. Kids do say the darndest things. That's crazy.

And that's why we got Jacob on today, because Jacob says the darndest things. After he's had a half a bottle of Hennessy, you know? Dude, I just wanted to wake up. Yeah, man. Fuck coffee, dude. I will just, you know, I wake up, I slam that bottle of Hennessy. Well, Keith, that tastes better than coffee. I hate coffee. Are you kidding? Are are you kidding i think it's gross i like i like coffee when you put like

cream and sugar and when it's like a milkshake yeah yeah it's essentially i used to only drink it with like tons of cream and sugar and then i started drinking it black because you know the tucker brothers and i was embarrassed to drink it non-black in front of because they because they're cultured right so i was like ohblack in front of them. Because they're cultured. Right. So I was like, oh. Well, in front of all my college friends, they'd all get it black. We'd go to a restaurant and be like, yeah, I'll take it black. And then I just got used to it.

And now, actually, I really like it black. I'm still bewildered of like, because I don't drink coffee often. So like the last time I did, I took a shit and it smells just like coffee. Is that how it works? You're pissed too. If you have like an empty stomach and you drink coffee and take a piss it smells just like coffee does it taste like coffee? it does actually yeah I was about to bring that up and I'm joking aside it does because

there was that one time I years ago when I I told Jackson Harrison I was like I'll give you guys X amount of dollars if you drink my piss. We were on a road trip. Sounds like I have a fucking awful movie about this influencer who abuses his friends. The David Dobrik story. I'll give you 10 grand if you drink my piss.

I'll give you a million dollars if you drink my piss. Dude, I don't care whose piss it is. They don't have any money to make it out any other way out here. It's like, they got to afford to eat and gas. It actually was on the way, on the drive out here for the first time. They were living on your couch at the time, right? No, this was on the way out here for them to live on my couch. So they really were starting it empty.

So I said, hey, you guys want to, I'm going to show you how things work out here in Hollywood. You want to make a couple bucks? Drink my piss. What actually happened was i was in the front seat uh we just stopped at a bar in kingman arizona and i had to pee all i'd have was coffee that day and a beer and i had a piece of piss in a bottle and then we did a what are the odds i was like jackson what are the odds you have to take a sip of my piss he's like i won't do that but i'll do it for some money i remember how much it was but i was like okay and harrison, but I'll do it for some money. I remember how much it was, but I was like, okay. And Harrison was like, I'll do it too. He jumped at. Yeah.

So I didn't believe them. They both took a huge swig, swallowed it, and I gave them the money. How much money? I don't remember, but it was. A good bit of money. It was enough to make them salivate and drink your piss. It was enough for them to jump with the opportunity of my piss. And then just to make it fair, I also took a sip of my piss.

Did you? Did you? Did they? Then did you also give yourself money afterwards? I just gave myself some money. Yeah. Yeah. I just reached my wallet.

I made them pay you. Yeah. You guys give me that money back. No, but I did take a sip. And it's the first time I've tasted pee. And what I'll say is I'd had coffee and a beer and that's it. And it was pretty clear pee by the way so like it really didn't taste bad

just from having coffee and beer yeah cause you know just liquids it was uh it didn't taste bad necessarily it just was a little bit salty uh kinda had that pee taste you know a little bit you know like you know

I don't know Jacob you know you know but for a little bit. You know, like, you know. I don't know. Yes, we do, Jacob. I don't know. You know, you know. But it really tasted like coffee. Actually, I have tasted pee before, but it wasn't human pee. We've all tasted pee. Come on.

Everyone's pissed in their mouth in the shower once. I mean, like, just to see what it's like. Yes, you had, Jacob. I hear you in the shower when you're staying with me. I think I shit in your shower, but that's a topic for another day. I did do that. Did you just stomp it down the drain? Mm-hmm.

Okay. I got my toenails. Like grated cheese, just stomping it down the drain? Mm-hmm. Okay. You got my toenails. Like grated cheese, just stomping it through the drain. I'm going to throw up. Don't suck. I just had a bottle of Hennessy. I actually did. I don't want to tell this story.

Never mind. Why? I already started, and you know. I know. You already brought it up. You awful stomped your shit. Obviously, you want to tell the story. Well, it was because it was.

No, I did shit in the shower. When? In 2021. Wait, what? Not like, oh, I'm going to take did shit in the shower when in 2021 wait what not like oh i'm gonna take a shit in the shower oh no fart and then it sprayed out you don't have any you always shit your pants because you're always like i didn't know no no no this time no no no when shit's about to come out of my asshole it wasn't that i knew it was coming but i was in the shower and this was like were you like i'm just gonna shit no was like, it was the type of diverse. Oh my God, it's coming. And,

um, and I was in the shower and I was laying, I was laying on my back. Like, cause I was sick. First of all, I was sick. Okay.

I'm laying on my back on the shower. Then the water hit me and I felt it coming. And I knew I wasn't gonna be able to get up in time. So I just fucking sprayed in the shower and it was liquid so it all just went down the drain this is the shower that I share with two other people and I did not tell them about it but I afterwards don't

worry though afterwards I legitimately went in even though there was no mess I went in with spray and and one of Harrison's shirts and I just cleaned it up that's like a cartoon visual I was like this I can imagine their asshole just like and we didn't even open it.

It was just. Like someone stepped on a water balloon. Yeah pretty much dude. I was just laying there and just. Throwed a water balloon at a brick wall. But the thing was once it started a little bit I was like I knew there was going to be more and I was like I can't just lay here and shit in the shower. For me I'd just honestly be like I'd just go sit on the toilet.

I couldn't make it to the toilet. That's like my first thought. I couldn't make it to the toilet. My first thought, what do you mean? I mean, I've been that. One time when I was sick, I was a kid, I got H1N1, and I was just in the bathtub, and I just threw up and shit in it, and I couldn't move. This isn't H1N1. What would you have?

I think I had food poisoning. Oh, you can get up. No, no, no. You guys ever have it where the diarrhea hits, and it's literally like, it's like, oh. Yeah, and then I pucker up and then I fucking waddle my way to the restroom. Can I be honest though, Ryan? You get out of the shower. It's cold, dude.

You're dripping water. You just did it. You could have made it to the toilet. You just decided to just fucking spray in the shower. There's no way you couldn't have made it to the toilet. Maybe you just thought it'd be funny. You're like, this is a story to tell i was like you know what you're like tell this one on the podcast probably honestly i could see that yeah i couldn't it makes a good story no uh like the

the age old kind of like when you're out in public doing shit it's like you don't want to like let embarrassment get in the way because it's good for when you're in private spraying shit i'm not gonna lie there might have been a small part of me that was like this will be funny to tell the guys oh i'm sure but also like it was so it was so it was really hard to hold in was it traumatic no it was fantastic was the shit traumatic was it traumatic for others you know when like south park when they shit it's like it was like that kind of. No, it's more like you just like put your finger over like a garden hose and do that a little bit. Did it unlock something in you?

Like, do you want to shit in the shower more now? No, no, no, no. Never again. That was a one time thing. I mean, it's a disgusting thing to do. I don't, I mean. I wonder why it's like. I wouldn't know.

Like, why is Ryan the heartthrob? Because I talked about this kind of, I'm like, yeah, I was laying down and sprayed shit in the shower. I mean, we both had our fair share of uncomfortably disgusting stories like me spraying shit onto the back of a toilet. That I think is in the top three. But who the fuck is that? What's up, Jackson? How's it going? How you doing?

I'm good. How are you? Have you guys met? No. Something? Pedialyte. Yeah. Oh, you got your second dose.

You're feeling a little sick, right? Yeah. Just not sick, just tired. You want some Hennessy? That's what I thought. He just started the podcast by massive, massive, just like,

he was like, I'll have a sip. And then just like, you know, just, this is Jacob though. Jacob Jackson. Hi. Hi, nice to meet you. Hey, man. Have Jacob, though. Jacob Jackson. Hi. Hey, nice to meet you.

Hey, man. Have a good podcast. You too, bro. I like his mustache. Yeah, it's a nice mustache, right? Wish I could grow a mustache. Big old handlebar. Wait, yeah, you shaved since last I've seen you.

Yeah. Why? I thought I looked good. I had a panic attack. The mustache, he couldn't breathe because of't breathe because it grew so fast and covered his mouth and nose that's like some fucking uh poltergeist shit right there yeah i drank some rogaine and it was like growing over my face oh so that's actually body horror fun fact about rogaine how they discovered it was it's a it's like a it's not a blood thinner it's a uh it opens up your like blood vessels more um which is why it makes hair grow because it like opens up your pores and everything

and allows like facilitates that and they used to give people rogaine uh and pill form before it was used for hair stuff they used it as a like a blood thing uh but they noticed one of the side effects was used people that would take it would just grow hair really fast everywhere. Because they took it by pill. And they're like, wait, maybe we can use this for other stuff. So I guess if you do drink Rogaine, you'll. I put Rogaine on my face to grow a mustache. Did it work?

It did, yeah. How quickly? You remember, right? Like it worked. Like I think if I kept it up. Well, I also don't know. Like I feel like you go through stages where you grow it out a good bit anyways, but then you just end up shaving it. Because you're like, I'm going to try this out again.

And then, like, two days later, like, you show up to the office, clean shave. Well. I don't feel like you go through that awkward stage. Because there is an awkward stage when you're growing facial hair. No, when I'm growing facial hair, start to finish, including the finish, is the awkward phase. It's still, it looks awkward when I'm growing facial hair start to finish including the finish is the awkward phase it's still it looks awkward when I have it

and the internet fucking roasts me to death when I try to grow a mustache it's pretty intense so I dyed it because my mustache comes in blonde so you can't see it

so I got some like eyebrow dye I dyed it I want to do it again but just do it black this time like dye it black so it just looks

it looked fake last time but it black this time. Like dye it black so it just looks... It looked fake last time, but it was real. To the silence. I don't know. I just can't relate. Yeah, I mean, you have great facial hair. No. I would love for you to dye... I really want you to dye yours.

I need to take better care of myself. That's what I need to do. You look good. I think you look good. You look great. I need to get like... I need to like learn how to... I need to shape it up. I need to like comb it. I need to like... Get look good. I think you look good. You look great. I need to get, like, I need to, like, learn how to, I need to shape it up. I need to, like, comb it.

I need to, like, not have it be all. Yeah. Can I have a neck? Can I have a neck, dude? Do, like, the pointed, uh, gnome. Do the Keemstar. You ever see those, like, Arabic dudes on Instagram and they have it, like, perfectly carved? Oh, my God, yeah.

Like, the line, like, right, like, the, where it's, like, you can see the polygonal just fucking, like, yeah. Like the line, like right, like the... Where it's like you can see the polygonal just fucking like edges. I'm so jealous of the people that can grow it so nice that like on their face, like the hairline of that is just so just... It's beautiful. They didn't grow it like that. No, no, I know they cut it like that, but it's like a lot of people can do that. And it's beautiful. I was watching 90 Day Fiance last last night, and there was a doctor.

Very handsome? Very handsome, yeah, from Ghana, and he had that. He had that kind of like... Was he a young doctor? 40s, maybe. Okay. Actually, it's funny, because the doctor on 90 Day Fiancé, for those that watch it, that Angela goes to, to become less fat, that's the same doctor that did my hemorrhoid surgery. So that same man has been inside my asshole.'s awesome before and after the surgery that's crazy i got my lasik from the

guy who did james charles's eyes yeah yeah so you know he did a good job no he was rude dude no well i never met james charles but the lasik guy like i was laying on the table and he just came in and started shoving shit in my eyes did Did he talk about, you know, I worked on James Charles? There's photos of him on the wall. Okay, okay. It was weird as fuck. It's like when you go into a restaurant, and they have, like, photos of celebrities that, like, signed that have been to the restaurant. Like, when we went to that sushi place in Japan, and there was, like, Bill Clinton and Obama.

Was George Bush on that wall? I remember Tom Hanks. I remember Obama, Bill Clinton, and I remember I remember Tom Hanks I remember Obama Bill Clinton and I remember uh the prime minister of Japan Abe okay um and there was a bunch of other people like uh Epstein and Jacob was in the picture with Epstein actually in the background and then there was uh must have just flown there oh yeah well you guys had you're always going around the world just here and there yeah we were we were we were monsters back in the day party monsters i love how chris tucker like was on those planes too chris tucker really i can't yeah i can't like i can't picture it

but like it happened so like i'm forced to well it was chris tucker michael jackson and epstein the three is that true Is that true? Yeah. Yes. Like, they did flights together. Michael Jackson. Bill Clinton wasn't with them, was he? Was it Bill Clinton? I don't know.

I do know it was Michael Jackson, Chris Tucker, and Epstein. I feel like Michael Jackson invited Chris Tucker. That's how I picture it in my brain. I could see that. Oh, okay. Because Chris Tucker and Michael Jackson are in that one music video. And they're, like, doing a bit at the start. Yep.

Because Michael Jackson loves Rush Hour. Does he really? I don't know. I knew he wanted to be Spider-Man. He was, like, trying to buy the start. Because Michael Jackson loves Rush Hour. Does he really? I don't know. I knew he wanted to be Spider-Man. He was like trying to buy the rights to Spider-Man to be Spider-Man.

Yeah. I want to be the next Spider-Man. I couldn't imagine that. Tobey Maguire. He has enough money where he probably could finagle the studio

and be like, I'm going to be Spider-Man. Because you know that movie would do great. It'd be awful. But Spider-Man saves kids. I mean, have you seen

the first Spider-Man recently? It's not like Tobey Maguire was, like, a great actor. It's been a while. I know Ryan loves Spider-Man 3. I love Spider-Man 1 through 3. I think they're, like, just fun, campy, like, superhero movies. They're, like, the perfect level of camp. And then the third one I hated when I saw it for the first time,

but now I appreciate it because it's, like, a perfect a perfect representation of like studio meddling in with someone's vision. Because there's like eight villains. Yeah. But Sam Raimi's still like putting in all of his goofy shit in there still. I love Sam Raimi too. All of Ad Reads. Oh, yeah. Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs projects done well.

I absolutely love this because, you know, if you own a home, it can be really hard to maintain. It's hard to find people that can help you for a big project or a small. Well, whether it's an everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start. But now, all you need to do is answer that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need. Angie has over 20 years of home service experience and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process. Bring them your project online or with the Angie app, answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly, which means you can

take care of just about any home project in just a few taps because when it comes to getting the most out of your home, you can do this when you Angie that. Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com. That's A-N-G-I dot com. Hey, Ontario, got any plans? How about a trip to the casino right here, right now? With DraftKings Casino, all your favorite games are in the palm of your hand. Play the classics like blackjack, roulette, slots,, and Baccarat. Or take a spin on exclusive games you won't find anywhere else. Experience the excitement of the casino floor right on your phone. Download the app and play whatever, wherever, and whenever. Your options for fun are endless.

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Hi, can I take your order, please? Can I get a Big Mac, McRap, McFlurry, and a McDouble? Keep it real, I need a Happy Meal, McCrispy, and 10 McNuggets. Tasty golden fries, a cold drink with extra ice. Is that it? But yeah, man, I've... The first Spider-Man I saw back when it came out in like, what, 2001, maybe? Old.

I remember I saw that my family rented a VHS of him. Toby McGuire cry face. Do you remember when he kisses Mary Jane Watson upside down? Yup. And she's not wearing a bra. She's not wearing a bra? She's not wearing a bra? She's not wearing a bra? No, dude.

She's poking through, baby. Sheesh. Whew. You know, it's funny. Whew. The Green Goblin, too. Her last name is Watson. Huh?

Just like me. Mary Jane Watson. She named Mary Jane after a little reference to marijuana, maybe? Yeah. I'm going to name my daughter Mary Jane Watson. And then my other daughter, Anna Mae Watson. Like Anna, middle name Mae. Anna Mae Watson.

You're not taking your wife's last name? Well, that's implying I'm going to be married to a woman, Jacob. Oh, sorry, my bad. You're not taking Ryan's last name? Matthew McGee. Matt McGee. M&M. That sounds good.

M&M. Feminist women love M&M. Fricka, fricka, Aslam Shady, I'm sick of him. Is this an Eminem reference? Look at him walking around, grabbing his you know what. I haven't heard it. You know who. I played it for you in the car yesterday.

I don't listen. You said you didn't like it. This boy loves Eminem. No I don't, no I don't. He's recited Eminem lyrics on probably the past three podcasts maybe? You kind of look like Slim Shady. Thank you. Especially with the blonde hair now.

Should I shave my head and bleach it? It would be different. You should. And then grow out the facial hair a little. I think that would be a look. Definitely would be a look. Then start wearing wife beaters. And crosses and shit.

Crosses? You should just go for the early 2000s slim shady look just not some shady but i was thinking recently i i've been toying with the idea of like you know i'm trying to make more music but i'm just too self-conscious about it so i'm like what if i just make a sugar ray cover album because that's already made for me you know i just got to copy it and if i do that then i kind of wanted for a week or two do my look like uh late 90s early 2000s like mark mcgrath maybe uh cut my hair short actually a soul patch yeah well i if i could grow it i would but i'll just put rogan right there you can get like go to like a like a hollywood hairdresser or

something get like an actual like what they would use in movies just real human hair oh yeah where they attach it yeah well like see right now with the length of my hair with the roots i could cut it to be frosted tips right yes you know so i could do that i love marmograph you should just do an usher cover album and like uh get realistic prosthetics so you look like usher uh and wear that for like a month just don't involve any paint well if i want to look like usher ryan uh i would just refrain from it but if you do want to look like us or Ryan I would just refrain from it but if you do want to go all the way Robert Downey Jr. went all the way that's the most famous case

I forget every now and then that like he did that just full blackface Robert Downey Jr. was in a movie as blackface that sounds like a Marvel villain blackface yeah does that not sounds like a Marvel villain. Blackface!

You know? Yeah. Does that not sound like a Marvel villain? No, it reminds me of the thing where dudes paint their face with brown skin. There's Black Panther. That's the bad guy in Blackface. It's just a white dude in Blackface that they have to eradicate

because it's just too inappropriate. They just can't catch him. He's too slippery. Yeah, he's just... And they can't cancel him either. They try to cancel him on Twitter. The teenagers try to get him. He's too slippery. Yeah. He's just, and they can't cancel him either. They try to cancel him on Twitter. The teenagers try to get him and they just, it doesn't work. He just doesn't give in.

Unstoppable. Did you guys ever, did your parents ever do blackface? No. I wish. Same. I think it'd be hilarious to see my dad in blackface. I would lose my mind laughing. Pretty good, yeah.

Why? Because he's a little guy. Because he's a little guy. Wait. Is your mom or dad black? My mom's black. Oh, okay. I thought the joke was that your dad was black.

Is your mom super tall? No. Okay. I'm just a mystery. How'd you get so tall? You're just a mystery. My dad's like, you know, he's like half of me. He's Jacob's 6'4". Because you're like the perfect human. No, you know, he's like half of me. He's Jacob's six, four.

Cause you're like, you're like the perfect human. You're like, you're like, you're really muscular and really tall. Like you're like, like everything's in proportion. Yeah. Perfectly. Like when I, when I see you, I get a little intimidated sometimes just because I'm like, damn, he's a good looking guy. Oh, this is the first time I'm hearing this.

No, it's not. It's not Jacob. Most people just call me cute. You looking guy. Oh, this is the first time I'm hearing this. No, it's not. It's not, Jacob. Most people just call me cute. You are cute. Oh, shit. But like, Jacob, you got a nice, cute smile. Like, you have really nice. I've definitely gotten out of trouble with this.

I've smiled at cops and gotten away with it. You have kind eyes. You have great DSL. This is freaking me out. You got wonderful lips. I'm like kind of off the henny right now. And I look to the left and right and there's two people complimenting me. Yeah.

Does that make you uncomfortable? I see he's twitching his fingers. You're not used to being complimented? No, not really. You have great hair too. Please stop. Please stop. You have very smooth skin too.

I like it. I like it. Your lips though, man. I did kiss him for a video that's not out yet. Probably. No, it's not out yet. No. When is this coming out?

This comes out in three weeks, I think. It might be out. Don't worry about it about it all right probably shouldn't talk about it we but we do no kiss i can kiss you if you want to check yes yes the softest lips of anyone i've ever kissed in my life and i'm not kidding that's crazy you want to kiss i mean you can give me a kiss if you want to come over there's really soft lips dude but okay here we go god damn those are soft well the video when we go in for the kiss

I go in for a peck and he was going in for more of like a make out but then I mean why I'm sure his lips would entice you to just go along with well it started and it was a good kiss man I'm not gonna lips would entice you to just go along with. Well, it started. It was like, and it was a good kiss, man. I'm not going to lie. And I said it.

I said, if I could put those lips on my girlfriend, if I could cut her lips off and sew those ones on, I would do it in a heartbeat. I don't think that would work that way. It'd be like when someone's face gets torn off by a monkey and they rebuild it. She looks good. Not with my lips.

They honestly, she should hit you up. What her name charla nash yeah like i this is a like a i'm i'm putting this out there because she probably she might not know this charla nash i think she had her travis i mean travis the chimp he excuse me ripped her face off yes yes yeah okay remember that famous 911 call? I know. Yes. Yeah. Well, he ripped, you know, Travis the Chimp, rest in paradise, you know, got her face ripped off and they reconstructed it. And I was thinking, you know, maybe, cause I don't know if she can see this video, but what I can say is that Sharla, we got a guy here who's willing to donate his lips. They're great fucking lips. Look at the color too. Those are like

a nice Dr. Pepper What? Excuse me? Nice Dr. Pepper? No, not Dr. Pepper Dr. Pepper is like a dark cola. Well, it's like the vibe The vibe I'm getting is like smooth Dr. Pepper lips Like bubbly, like red Spicy, makes you feel kind of like, ooh.

Yeah, a little bit spicy. There's a bite to it. Am I supposed to say something about that? I feel very uncomfortable about this. I'm trying to understand his- You can say whatever you want, man. Yeah. It's like a-

Nice fucking- And the best part is these little dimples right here. It's like I'm back on Epstein's plane. Yeah. Giving you all those compliments. Epstein loves giving compliments, man. Great guy. Yeah. I wonder what he's been up to. I haven't heard, man. Great guy. Yeah.

I wonder what he's been up to. I haven't heard from him in a while. Yeah, whatever happened to him. He was in the news for a good while and then just nothing. He hasn't been responding to my texts. Well, that was slander in the news. That was a coordinated hit against him by the mainstream media. No, by the politicians specifically.

Because they were pissed off that he had such a cool island. They got jealous. We want that island. So they're like, let's make some shit up. We want to have parties with people on that that island do you think it's for sale uh i actually i recently read the wikipedia page for it it's part of a greater saint james i think or something it's it's it's because it's little saint james it's it's saint james island and he called Little St. James or Little St. Jeff is what he would jokingly call it.

Yeah, man. He was a cool guy. I don't think I would want to I don't think I would want to buy his island if I was a millionaire. Yeah, that's the thing, man. It's like

But it's probably heavily discounted, right? I'm sure. It's not like it's haunted. No one died there. People probably did die there. I feel no one died there it's a little it's scary people probably did die there I feel like someone died there like who

I don't know a kid you gotta throw out these murder accusations so flippantly dude don't don't slander my my man Jeff like that

that's what you're trying to do he's still warm in the grave man well maybe it wasn't a murder maybe someone just slipped whoop wasn't him he's in South America mhm yep Jeff yeah I wish he would respond Well, maybe it wasn't a murder. Maybe someone just slipped. Whoop! It wasn't him. He's in South America.

Mm-hmm. Yep. Jeff? Yeah. I wish he would respond to my texts. I don't know. Maybe he doesn't have service. Okay, I do think he is dead.

I don't think he's still alive. Oh, of course. But that's the one conspiracy theory that I think everyone can agree on. That he's killed? That's not even a conspiracy. No, no, no, no. That it wasn't suicide. It was a murder. Yeah.

It's so obvious have you seen the autopsy pictures yeah no you haven't the way you said yeah you haven't okay i haven't but i have well then why'd you lie to me huh i don't know you're just you're just very you're just being very aggressive in this conversation i believe the government don't come after me i believe the government i'm sorry r after me. I believe the government. I'm sorry, Ryan. The government? I believe the government. He committed suicide. Yeah, no. I mean, it was just an unfortunate

series of events. And I ain't talking the Lemony Snicket books. They were good up until about 11. What's his name? Count Olaf? He like does himself up as Jeffrey Epstein in one of the books. In the first one, to marry Violet.

To marry Sonny, actually. Oh, God. Come on. What's up with Epstein here? He put Sonny in a cage. That's what Epstein did too. Basically, you know, it just, it sucks, but it's what happened, man. The cameras malfunctioned and the guards

fell asleep and that stuff happens sometimes especially in one of the most uh you know and they didn't give him his own private cell they gave him his own private idaho they gave him a cell with someone who looks like they kill people for fun dude i'm not participating in this conversation okay i'm just saying it's unfortunate We're saying it's unfortunate that those things happen. They're going to find two terabytes of CP on both of your guys' computers. What's CP? What?

I don't think I could even download two terabytes of regular pornography if I wanted to. I definitely have. Downloaded two terabytes of pornography in your life? Yeah, I was like... Is it because you downloaded 4K porn? Yeah, well, of course. Did you curate these 2 terabytes

or you just like go on like pirate bay I watched like the documentary like hot girls wanted and I was like man I feel so bad for these girls so I was like

trying to find porn that's like ethical mmm yeah and so I downloaded a bunch and then you know you know to do to do something good for the world

I just downloaded 2 terabytes of porn now I just use onlyfans yeah that's the ethical way for uh to do pornography now where would you say is the are the top three most ethical ways of viewing porn because you did have to like step one making it number one uh old playboys that you find okay you know it's like it's already made it's recyclable okay where would you find them like just like kind of like out in the streets your dad's garage i found playboy one

playboy a lot of people have this story in the south where they just find one in the woods i remember finding one just in the woods randomly i think that's a story everywhere people like bury playboys in the woods wait you found it like like buried or like you just stumbled upon it just stumbled upon it it was just yeah that's some dude took that out in the woods he's like like you know i gotta get away from the old the old the old ball why would he leave it if it's so important it's his alone time maybe he left it thinking that no one's going to come. You know sometimes when you watch porn jerk off, right when you're done and you look

back at the porn, you're like, ugh. And you're still disgusted with yourself. You think he put all the effort to take the playboy into the woods, walked in the middle, opened it up, jerked off, and then he was like, ugh. Sometimes he didn't roll it up and just stick it in his belt loop or something. Or maybe he had to run

Really fast he heard like his wife coming. He's a Jacob What about uh, do you know what the worst thing is like what just makes you feel like just like a pig is like coming on your stomach No, but when you're uh watching porn and like it goes dark or something and then you just see your reflection in the screen just like it's like ugh does the porn end do you always watch to like the

very end where it's like Finn on a porn or something well I have to usually I need to sit there and silence usually I finish like in the middle of a porn video or like watching a gif no I watch the entire time and you time it to come at the very end when the screen cuts to black

because I want to soak it all up and then when it fades to black that's when I can go and kind of you know yeah but no I usually don't see my reflection

when I sometimes sometimes I like if you use your phone oh you know I've never jerked off on my phone what?

that's the place to jerk off it's too personal what do you mean? that's where I you know I wouldn't want to be on my phone what that's the place to jerk off it's too personal what do you mean that's where i you know i wouldn't want to be jerking off as like text from mom hey honey that actually i don't well i don't have notifications turned because i get too anxious with like texts and stuff popping in in case you're jerking off just yeah exactly i will say uh it it is a very like bad feeling when you're watching pornography on your cell phone. And then like a text from mom like, hey, honey, thinking about you, love you. And from mom, you can see her kind of like smiling, looking.

And then I just, that's when I bust it so hard. Of course. She's a hot lady. She's hot as mom's fine. My mom hot? Yeah. She's pretty. She's beautiful.

She's prettier from the back. People used to call my mom hot all the time. Shut the fuck up, Rob. My mom hot? Yeah. She's pretty. She's beautiful. She's prettier from the back. I'm my mom all the time. Shut the fuck up, Rob. She's what? What's the phrase? Love to watch her leave? Yeah. Hate to see her go.

Love to watch her leave. So, Playboy. Playboy. Oh, shit. There's two more. Drawing your own porn. You already said OnlyFans. Did you just put that one in there?

Your personal sex life. Your personal sex life. If you get permission, you know. What if you don't have a personal sex life? Well, I'm telling you, this is how you do it, ethically. Ethically, you know, your personal sex life. You know, you're hitting her from the back. You turn the flashlight on.

You say, is this okay? She says, yeah. Not the camera, the flashlight. The flashlight. I'm talking about like this type of flashlight. You don't want to use the flash on your phone because, you know. You want to drain battery. It's going to make it like, yeah.

And it'll make the image yellow so you hold the flashlight way high up like you're lighting it oh so you're saying like your own personal diary exactly yeah yeah that's ethical okay that's ethical that is then yeah there's one more form of sense to it there's one more form of porn that's ethical or like the top three uh it's gotta be only fans yeah it's gotta be only fans it has a. It's gotta be OnlyFans. It has a digital footprint, obviously. You know, you're wasting a lot of energy. It's like Bitcoin. But, you know, OnlyFans, you're paying for it. And she's producing it.

She gets all the profit. Yeah. But you're a cuck if you support her. You're a beta. You're a simp. I'm a Sigma male, actually, so. I mean, we know a lot about that. You're a simp like that.

Fucking simp iDubbbz, dude. Is he an i... What? He's a simp, dude. He's a simp? Yeah, he's a simp, dude. simp i dubs dude is he not what he's a simp dude yeah he's a simp dude his gf does only thing yeah he has a girlfriend that works in the sex industry that means he's a fucking simp what's her only fans what dude i'm not come on man that's sick is that's our friend's girlfriend our best friend's girlfriend that's right is it is it more wrong to not help her out by subscribing to her only see that See, that's a dilemma. I feel like Ian would be thankful for you helping them out because they're now engaged. Right?

Yep. Oh, congratulations. So now the money, that money would be going to both of them. It's kind of like the wedding registry. Like, yeah, I bought your only fan. It's like, yeah, just subscribe to my wife's only fans. They had an iPad set up and you just put in your information. It's like if you subscribe to our

OnlyFans, it helps us a lot more. It's a more sustainable income. That'd be scary if there were iPads at the entrance of the wedding that you pay for. Like that's your entry fee. Remember like I remember going to like the scan like Apple Pay. Dude, Apple Pay changed my life. I can't wait till there's like

you can like scan your thumb. You go to like pay for something. Would you pay to get pay you to get it would you would you pay To get that implant yeah, they're gonna have that I bet one day Maybe not even an implant, but at least like I feel like I don't know maybe not not even a tattoo I feel be on your lips, so you have to kiss it Some people have already gotten those chips, and they're like thumbs. They like got them done themselves Kissing the same normal normal weird. I did it myself I see your eyes work, and he's like, yeah I got my apple paint.

No no no, there's a guy that- Ah, with the screwdriver, baby. Jackson found on YouTube, he's a Neko. Is it what? A Neko. A Neko? What? So he's like, he thinks he's a cat, like a Japanese little kitty cat. He dresses up like that, but he's really into- Jackson!

Yeah? What's that- you know the Neko guy that modifies himself with the electronics? Oh yeah! What's that called? What partcco guy that modifies himself with the electronics what's that called when you like modify yourself find out after these ad reads okay we're back what is it jackson it's not freaking what is it it's not transhumanism well it is but basically this guy like mod he's like he's like yeah i did surgery on myself and put in that stuff freaks me out when people modify their body like that like it just makes me i feel like it's a great way like i don't think you should have electronics

like just in bed i feel like that would get infected or like like start to go into your blood like hey where'd the microchip go it goes up to your brain and fuck it's like when you break a bone and there's just pieces floating in your fucking bloodstream my dad uh when he was when he was younger chipped his knee and uh he he would feel like the like move around his leg like the piece of bone because it would just move around like underneath um i've never broken a bone me neither i think i i haven't even had a i haven't had a fracture or anything like that i'm surprised i've been hit by a car like multiple times. I'm surprised I've never broken anything.

Just like as a pedestrian or like also in a car? As a pedestrian, yeah. Okay. Really? Yeah. When I was a kid, I was like crossing the street and I was like, oh, hey, mom. And I, there was no memory of being hit. You dove in front of your mom.

Did your mom hit you? I was crossing the street and someone was just coming way too fast. Oh my God, dude. Imagine being his mom like, hi, Jacob. Every mother's worst nightmare, unless you're Jacob's mom, then it's a blessing. But unfortunately. Yeah, I survived. Yeah, it just clipped me.

And I remember just like the impact. And then I was on the floor like 10 feet away. The floor wasn't inside? It was concrete. Sorry. Oh. I was hit by a car, man. He flew all the way through the front door

He went swoop Like a cartoon I landed back home Right in the couch, the TV turns on Like fucking Simpsons He crashes through the wall and it's like a perfect body shape Like perfect Jacob shape It was just weird, I apologized to the lady for getting hit by the car

And I just went home She's like, good, don't run out in the street like that. No, she was like, oh my God. Dude, if I hit a kid, I would, like, oh my God. She didn't get out of her car. I'd run. She was like, oh, I'm sorry, and then left. Yeah.

Yeah, man. I've never hit anyone. I almost, well, I didn't almost. One time I parked a little bit, like, I came to a stoplight and I was a little bit in the crosswalk. parked a little bit like i came to a stoplight and i was a little bit in in the crosswalk and this old man was walking by and he has a cane and he just stops for my car and just smacks my hood and i just blew my horn i was like what the fuck man because like like i was not that far into the cross you know like sometimes you like you stop a little bit too far into the crosswalk you know i'm saying like yeah you're supposed to stop behind it, but sometimes you accidentally...

Or if you're in the right, you're creeping through the crosswalk to make that right turn at an intersection after you've stopped. Maybe he was asking you to hit him. You should have just clipped him. Hit him a little bit. Do it! Hit me! He was, yeah, I mean, I was pissed at him for that. You should have ran him over. No, I found out who he was

and I found out his wife recently died so i made sure to really play on that and really get to him i'm just saying i left him some voicemails you could have legally run him over self-defense i was scared spun his meat into the concrete and you could have said he smacked my hood i was afraid it's it's why cops can run people over in protests they're afraid for their lives. Cops can do that? Yeah. God bless these boys in blue.

If someone starts smacking on the hood of a cop car, you don't know if they have a Gatling gun, a grenade launcher or something. Yeah, you might have Iron Man's chest. Yeah. So they just fucking barrel right through them. As they should. This country rules.

Yeah. Well, Jacob's not American. I am a citizen. I'm an American citizen. So. I just didn't grow up here. Sorry. But you couldn't be president.

He's Canadian. I don't think I could be president. No. I'm from Canada. You have to be a natural born citizen, right? Yep. Which I'm glad about that because. Because we can run for president if we ever wanted to. And I was also thinking, I was like, I swear to God, if Elon Musk is president one day, but I'm like, he can't.

He's from South Africa. Apartheid South. That's his family got rich. Elon Musk got rich because his family got rich off of apartheid. Blood diamonds. Other people's problems, you know? Yeah. Hey, man, Elon, are you guys going to get Neuralink?

No. If there's anyone I trust to put something on. I don't even have Google Home. I don't even have Alexa and all that shit. Start with using Siri regularly. Dude, I still don't use Siri. I have that turned off. Dude, she's horrible.

I don't want, I don't, I know it's going to listen no matter what, but I just hate the... Peace of mind. Yeah, it's just a peace of mind thing I hate Elon Musk so fucking much dude why well for one he he made Tesla

that's true he just tanked the crypto market cause he's being a little bitch little cry baby we don't accept bitcoin anymore he fucking tanked the crypto I don't accept bitcoin anymore he moves like that yeah the head moves sorry bros not right now bros i'm what i'm about to say might be cringe jacob you're the guest so i'm gonna ask you as you throw would you find it yeah yeah would you

find it rude if i like just took a bathroom break real quick just to take a like just a pee would take like a minute maybe. We can all take a bathroom break. As long as we hear it. Maybe. You know what? Let's put the ad reads here to space it out more. We can all take a bathroom break and that old ad break, we can just put a fart sound.

Okay. Does that sound good? Sure. I love using fart sounds. I know. Are you going to end this episode with it? No. I will not.

Okay. So you're taking a piss and shit? I don't understand. I'm just going to take a pee. Okay. I'm going to go take a shit in the shower. All right, Ryan, how was the piss? It was good.

It was good. Nice, relaxing piss. Not like an aggressive stream or anything. More Henny. Uh-oh. So wait, when is your flight? Like an hour wait what what i'm just kidding it's boards are like six what time is it now it's almost three

so it's oh you're good lax huh lax yeah oh one thing to take into account though you're gonna have to be going down there during rush hour yep the worst that's total cringe yeah dude that scared me man you saw how bad i flinched i took a while to like i was it was i didn't try to make a surprise out of it i've never met someone who flinches more for no reason than trevor modest kid that boy like i'll like i'll walk by him you're like a gut like a gust will go by and be like, what happened to him, dude? What are you doing? No, not more than Trevor.

Trevor, like, we were all over at my place the other night and I ordered pizza. I get some plates out of the cabinet and I go, I hand a plate to Trevor. He's like. It's like, dude, he's so scared. He's such a pussy, man. Trevor's just a fucking pussy. He came on this podcast, Jacob. Did he talk about his flinching

trauma no he talked about uh how he likes to jerk off yeah and he uh he came on here with uh ethan with crank game plays uh and then uh crank game plays fan base canceled uh him what did he say like he hates black people or something that's something along those lines exactly something it was a little worse, but yeah. Feels very in character. Yeah. Well, he said. He used more targeted language.

Yeah. He used more specific. Terminology. Racial terminology. Cricket. Yeah. So, you know, that's how Ethan is though. You know, that's how Ethan is when the cameras are off.

And, you know, we all know that at this point. Yeah. You gotta be careful. His fans might actually think you're serious oh his fans uh his fans ain't no fans of ours really oh when they were trying to maybe they are okay well they were trying to cancel ethan because he laughed at a joke we made uh and what i thought was funny about it was they didn't try to cancel like us for making joke. It was like, it's super mega. I was like, nice.

So you know where you can get away with? Yeah, not for long. They're coming, man. The pendulum swings. The pendulum. I mean, Bradley Cooper in Hangover, he said the F word. He did. Paging doctor.

Yeah. It was in the trailers. It tested so well. Why'd you say that? I had to bleep it out. What? Yeah, you don't have to'd you say that i had to bleep it out what yeah you don't have to actually say it i had to bleep it out i'm being targeted just like if we started if ian always does this to me he'll like he'll like be like whoa dude don't actually say the n-word and i'm like i didn't he's like well uh we had to bleep it out but

and i'm like i didn't say and then he'll put another bleep. There's no way for me to prove that. Like, I didn't say it. You need a video element. Oh, well, I thought that could easily be worse. I thought this room would look more like the video that you have a looping like dark and pitch black room. Chill. It's a very like fair starting therapist. We should definitely

decorate this more. I want to get a bunch of plants, some cool lights. Let's work on it. Maybe I'll decorate it while you're gone. And when you come back, you'll have a brand new... This is the last podcast we're recording before Ryan goes home to visit his familia. Get to go see Gray.

Get to go see my family. Get to go to the beach. That's great. Thanks, man. Yeah. I haven't seen my family in two years because of COVID. Okay. I'm about.

What? I'm not two years. Last time I saw him was holidays 2019. So it's been like a year and a half. That's a while. And I'm not, I'm used to seeing them. Like I'll go visit home like two to three times every year. And so.

Yeah. For me, I've only seen my family once since 2019. Yeah, you traveled. I did. It was risky. I shouldn't have done that. But I was just at such a low point, sort of pressed. I had to go home and see my family.

I had to get those big lips of Anne's placed directly on my neck. It's very therapeutic. Do your parents listen to the podcast? My mom does. My dad doesn't watch her. My dad doesn't care about anything I do now.

I'll send him like a live action video and he just, I'll be like, hey, because like, you know, I want my father's approval.

I couldn't do that to my dad. I think we're way too vulgar for my dad. Well, I'll send him like daddy's boy. I'm like, hey dad, I'm pretty proud of this one. You watch it? Sure.

My dad would hate the ending. He'd find it mean. Are you really thinking about killing your mother? My dad's 75 and he found my channel on his own. Because if you just type Jacob with my spelling into YouTube, it's a compilation of you throwing up. Compilation of you throwing up? Yeah. He loves it.

He's like, you're a smart kid, but you play a great fool. He doesn't sound like that. My dad's Jewish. He's Jewish from New York. So I don't know. That was a good, that was a great impression of a New York Jew. Jacob, see, I'm a New York Jew. And I go to Mass or not Mass. They don't go to mass they go to

what's it called? Ramdan. Temple. Ramadiya temple yeah they go to Mecca every Sunday you know I love my dad I'm so glad he didn't make me chop my penis off when I was a baby well our mothers made us chop off our penises. Are you guys Jewish? No. Christian but Christian

circumcised. Weird choice you know the thing is jacob neither of us had a say in our circumcision yeah why didn't you stand up for yourself i couldn't stand at the time i don't think i could even form a thought i think i was pretty fresh out the womb i think i got circumcised the day i was born i think like right when i come out like the first thing they do it's best to just do it now so they don't remember you don't want them to get attached to their force well they circumcised ryan without even asking his mom if uh if she wanted it they didn't even ask did they no remember when when we called your mom about circumcision and she's like dad they just did it

oh yeah yeah but she was just like okay you know it's the normal thing to do you know it's just like that's what penises are supposed to look like from what she's seen you know you probably have some benefits huh man when i roll my shit back to piss it's so much better because normally it like splits streams and sex feels better for you because 90 of the fucking nerds for us it's too sensitive is Sometimes. I would say like not just not to have sex, but like I'd say like afterwards, we don't have that sheath to protect the head of our penis. Man, what's a fucking sore without a sheath? It's just all there and you're feeling everything afterwards.

Is it like battle scarred? Because in your like. For me, I'm like, ow. I do have a I have a pretty significant circumcision scar. Ugh. You want to see it? No, it's awesome. I've seen your penis already. I'm like, ow. I do have a pretty significant circumcision scar. Ugh. You want to see it? No, it's awesome. I've seen your penis already.

I've seen his penis. I saw his penis the first day I met you. Of course. I saw Ryan and I saw each other's penis the first day we met. I've known Trevor since we were like 10 or 12 years old, and I've never seen his penis. You know why? Because he doesn't want to show his penis. He has a small penis.

Really, you think? If someone doesn't want to show you their penis, it doesn't mean that they just are uncomfortable with that. It his penis. Has a small penis. Really, you think? If someone doesn't want to show you their penis, it doesn't mean that they just aren't uncomfortable with that. It means that they have a small penis. Or maybe they're just not an inherently brave person. We know Trevor's not brave. To show someone their penis. Exactly.

He flinches a lot. He probably has a hog. He's probably carrying loads. I think Trevor has a pretty sizable penis. I mean, he's a big guy. There's a lot of friends. You know, it's funny. Like, Ryan and I show each other our penises all the time.

Like, I wish that was a joke. That's not a joke. But there's a lot of people I'm friends with. I'm more comfortable showing you my penis than I am anyone else. Honestly, that's true for me. Like, I don't have anyone else in my life that I'm more comfortable showing my penis to than you. Are you joking? No, I'm not joking. I'm anyone else. Honestly, that's true for me. Like, I don't have anyone else in my life that I'm more comfortable showing my penis to than you. Are you joking?

No, I'm not joking. I'm not thinking there isn't. I actually, like, would, like, the least amount of judgment, the most just, like, comfortable, like, showing my penis to a girl is so scary, but showing my penis to Ryan is like a walk in the park. It's like he he we get joy

from it you know yeah there's laughter involved there's there's dopamine rushing into our brains when when i see ryan's penis my dopamine levels do spike actually i guarantee if we hooked up to some kind of machine that would happen like when i see your penis it would be like like my brain like if you were to get my brain you'd see like lighting up in certain kind of romantic this is beautiful yeah man I mean that's just what's great about being best friends with you man. Just find yourself a friend you can show your penis to

comfortably and not feel judged. First day we met each other we saw each other's penises I've never been nervous showing my penis to a girl but I would never show it to anybody else Why not? I don't know it's just easier that way Okay. It's like you're supposed to see this Yeah Bitch you're supposed to see this. Yeah.

Bitch, you're supposed to see this. This is your job. It's not like I just walk, hey, here's my job. This is what you were created for. No, dude, I really don't like when girls see my penis. I get scared. I really get scared. If she's letting you pull it out, she wants to see it anyway, so it's a big deal. What about when it's like a nurse, a doctor?

She wants to see it? Actually, I got an ultrasound On your penis? On my balls They thought I had cancer It was flopped on my stomach and it was cold So it was shrinking and she laughed at me And I never felt more humiliated

Wow Now that's a small cock She was like, alright, you need to position like this And I positioned myself and I was like like this and she looked at me and she went it's just my like dick shrunk like to a quarter of it's size on my stomach

it's trying to protect itself it doesn't have a shell I had to get my penis examined by a doctor like two years ago um cause of the yeah you but but she just had itching for a while it was bad no it was uh it's a fungal infection on your cock no it wasn't a fungal infection it was something was a bacterial uh it was an transmitted yeah no but i did have

to have a doctor a little a couple years ago look at my penis not because it was like doc i think i have an st but it was like part of the exam i was going in for um the penis checking exam but normally when a doctor sees my penis i just stand up and drop my trousers and then they you know inspects it what she did was like for some reason i lay down and like she like to put a light on overhead and i just have to like sit like this with like my flaccid cock and she was like did all right, lay down. And she put a light on overhead. And I just had to sit like this with my flaccid cock. And she was like. Did she smack it with the glove before putting the glove on? She had to warm it up.

When she was done, she went. Give me a little kiss. Dude, but the most embarrassing thing was before my hemorrhoid surgery, when I had to go get checked again, when he had to really feel around in there. The whole law where it's like a doctor is not allowed to see you naked or touch you naked unless there's a witness in the room.

So the doctor, same doctor. Is that true? Yeah, because. My pediatrician touched me with no one in the room all the time. Yeah. It's a liability thing. He would cough or I would cough. He wouldn't cough.

I mean, sometimes he would cough. Maybe you didn't see the person in the room. It's a liability thing. Yeah. Like all of a sudden when I leave, it's like they're painted to look like the stethoscope and the jar of... They're on the wall with everything painted on them. There's like eight of them.

No, but it's a liability thing. They're coming down from the ceiling. Okay, that was good. Because I could... A, it's to keep the doctor from being a little weirdo. And B, if I'm like, the doctor sucked my dick, there's a witness that's like, no, he didn't. But what if the witness is in on it?

What if the witness also sucked your dick? Then you're going to have a crazy threesome that a lot of people fantasize about. But no one will believe you because they'll say you lied. I would love for my doctor to suck my cock. Big, old, fat Jewish dude. Oh, my God. But basically, I go in, you know,

he has to like look inside my asshole and stick a finger up there. So he's like, all right, Matthew, just. Oh, my God. But basically, I go in, you know, he has to, like, look inside my asshole and stick a finger up there. So he's like, all right, Matthew, just bend over to this table. And I did. But he's like, all right, nurse. So she had to come in and watch, and she was my age.

Very beautiful. Very, very beautiful. And I was like, oh, fuck. Because I was like, I was nervous because she was so cute. And then, literally, she just had to, like, stand there and I was like alright wow you've got some hemorrhoids in here

and he had to stick his finger all up my ass with some lube did he touch your prostate? I think he did get deep enough that must happen to some people you're getting checked and then you just pop a boner on the floor you can't help it sometimes

if you nut from your prostate just being touched and then you just like pop a boner on the floor. Yeah, I mean, I think it's... It can help us sometimes. Exactly. Well, I mean, if you nut from your prostate just being touched, that'd be awesome, honestly. You can be stimulated by your prostate and come through that. No, obviously, but I mean just like one touch. Well, if it makes you feel better, it's probably like her 15th hemorrhoid thing she saw today. You know what I mean?

Yeah, but she hadn't seen anyone as cute as me. Yeah, it's probably better, right? She oh finally i finally get to she's like oh holy shit that's max youtuber shows up that's matt watson from youtube and i started taking like photos like she wants a selfie would you give it to her yeah while you're getting your hemorrhoid check like turn around like i do it if you couldn't see my butt in the air but like if my butt was censored yeah that'd be terrifying if like someone walked in. Like your doctor was checking your hemorrhoids and the nurse came in and she was a fan. Oh my God.

Hold on. I have. Okay, I'll wait. The closest thing to that was I was getting my hair cut once a couple years ago, like two years ago. And the hairdresser was like really asking me a lot of personal questions. Because I had known this woman for a while. And I'm starting to talk about my parents being divorced. So I started talking about like very personal details of my parents' divorce.

I've been like, you know, I have all this conversation. And then I get up at the end. And then the girl next to me is like, hey, before you go, can I get a picture? And I was like, oh my God. She literally just like heard everything. I talked about my parents' divorce and like intimate family issues and shit. And I was like, uh-oh. I guess just heard everything. I talked about my parents' divorce and intimate family issues and shit. And I was like, uh-oh. I guess she didn't want to bother you during the haircut.

Well, because she really had to listen. She was writing it down on her phone. All right, Dale, trying to get custody. Custody of his adult children? Sir, you know that's not how that works, right? No, I'm getting custody of my 25-year-old son. After they turn 18, they're no longer yours. What?

My sister's about to turn 30. So wait, are kids just parents' property until they become 18? Yeah. Are they just like legitimately property? It's like a car. Yes, that's how it works. Depreciating value as they get older, too. That's crazy.

Legal guardian, man. You know what's weird? Technically, we could get someone and be their legal guardian what's the what's the age limit to be a legal guardian 21 no i don't i think as long as you're over 18 right you should just adopt a 17 year old so you have one year with like your own with our own kid yeah just we could have done that with justin oh man there was a point where we could have been justin's's legal guardians his dad's man we should what about

he wants to come on the podcast Nicholas Cantu he's the guy that voices Gumball okay I know who you're talking about now I think he's 17 so we could adopt him until he turns 18 is he not 18 by now I don't think.

I think he's 17. Because his voice changed. I guess, yeah. Well, usually people's voice changes before they turn 18. Yeah, but it sounded. Well, there's two. There's multiple voice actors for Gumball. What?

Yeah, there's one from the beginning, and there's one towards the end. I thought it was the same person. No, because the first kid got old. I thought that's why they kept. I think you're thinking of Finn from Adventure Time. I thought that's why they. Wait, Finn was the one who had the same voice actor all the way through. Yeah. I thought that's why they kept I thought that's why they Wait.

Finn was the one who had the same voice actor all the way through. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's Well, Nicholas, wait, wait, wait.

There's two Gumball voice actors. I could be smoking cock right now, but No, Finn It's all making sense in my brain. The person who voices Finn that's who I'm thinking of in terms of like their voice changing

Yep, he's 17 going on with the show. September 8th, 2003 voice Gumball. there were two voice actors for gumball really yeah i know because someone i know dated the first one oh really yeah any fun stories hey any stories about any gossip come on uh it's not my story i know i know but uh if you wanted to share them with the world right now and embarrass anyone i think it was was when they were kids, so it's like, I don't know. Well, we're not the ones telling the story, so it would fall on you.

Actually, it was Ethan. It was Crank Gameplays. Who voiced Gumball. Who dated the first voice of Gumball. Who told Jacob the stories he's about to tell about the miner. Oh, yeah. So take it up with Ethan. Ethan was saying.

It's kind of hard to retell. It's just riddled with slurs. Well, I mean, I can't really ever repeat anything Ethan says off camera to me because it's... He's a completely different person off camera.

Oh, my God. You know, on camera, he's so nice and, you know, he's a little Eve. He's got his painted fingernails. He's got his big smile. He's like a teddy bear

with some of the stuffing taken out because he's not like a big dude. He's really good at hiding his height on camera. He's like a big smile. He's like a teddy bear with some of the stuffing taken out. Because he's not like a big dude. He's really good at hiding his height on camera. He's like a stiff teddy bear. Yeah, but then off camera, he's kind of like a teddy bear that's been chewed up by a dog. A complete monster. Buried in the backyard and rained on and everything. He's kind of like an evil Verne Troyer.

R.I.P. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Ethan is pretty similar to Verne Troyer. R.I.P. mini-me, Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Ethan is pretty similar to Vern. R.I.P. mini-me, dude. Is Ethan like Mark's mini-me? I wish they did a video where Ethan dressed up as Mark. I saw a FaceApped picture of the two of them combined. Does it look like the same person?

It looked... Does it look like a real person? Yeah, it looks like... I was like, oh, wow it looks like i was like oh wow i like the people that we ever combined ourselves on face app people have done that on our subreddit have you ever seen those pictures like this is not a real person it's just like an ai created person i'm like that i'm pretty sure there's someone who looks like this no there's because like there's people who look like you there's people who look like all of us somewhere i'm sure

not like identical but like enough to where people would be like, is that? Well, one time I was at like a mama's pizza when I was a kid. My the guy showed me his kid and he looked exactly like me. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. He's like, this is my son. And we're the same age. Did you have like the same like fashion? Yeah, we had the same glasses, the same haircut.

I was like, what the fuck is going on? That's off, Danny. That's weird. I think I'd be freaked out, especially as a kid, because your imagination is just like so much more. I'd be like, there's a clone of me out there. He's coming to kill me. Did my parents kill me?

I never went back. Never went back to that mom's pizza. For that specific reason. Yeah, that's why you got to go to CeCe's pizza. That guy also hit on my mom. Wait, who was it that said that's... Did your mom track him? Did you understand why he would? When I was a kid, guy also hit on my mom wait who was it that said that's your mom attracted could you understand why he would when i was a kid people would hit on my mom a lot so you're answering with yes when i was younger yeah my mom was a baddie she had that thing you know

does she not keep up she's old now you know and you know covid it hit us all oh yeah jacob's mom's a little baddie hasn't hit. It hasn't hit you. It hasn't hit you at all. I feel like I got to work out. You have to work out. I was in a lot better shape. For general health, I'm sure, but in terms of physique and look, you're golden.

You look great, man. When you took your shirt off for the video and you're all self-conscious like a little bitch, I was like, you look great, dude. What are you talking about? I'm still like, I need to wear a black t-shirt at the pool kind of vibe. That's literally, that's me. I should be that guy. Yeah, but you're good looking. I feel like you have a striking eye contact.

You have great hair. You have a nice beard. Framed your face well. Right? Yeah. Yeah, but like when I look at myself, I've said this many times. I see like a thumb thumb with like a beard and like a, you know. I think that's everyone though. You look in the mirror and you're like. I see like a head. I see a Halloween decoration when I look at myself, I've said this many times, I see like a thumb thumb with like a beard and like a, you know. I think that's everyone though.

You look in the mirror and you're like. I see like a head. I see a Halloween decoration when I look in the mirror. I see like a pear shape, you know. No, dude. No. I see a beautiful fucking hunk. You know, it's good to have friends where we're all, you know, we may be down on ourselves, but.

Everyone is a self-player hater. Yeah. And you know who really can't believe it but it's so like trev trevor's so handsome i think he'll never get over trevor is one of the most handsome men i've ever met i think yeah and you know most people disagree with me on that you've met jason momoa uh-huh you met jason momoa uh-huh when uh last year we hung out. What? Just good times. It was great times.

Who's Jason Momoa? Aquaman? Oh. He was. I went out with Jason Momoa to Samoa and had mimosas. I don't know. He was a Dracula. It's something like that where it's like he's the count.

He's not count something. He's like Crod. Dude, he played crod dude crod man dune yeah you ever seen crod man dune no i don't know i'm the only person that watched crod man dune where's my crod man dune fans i went to samoa with jason momoa sipping mimosas eating samosas you know harley davidson is using jason momoa to help sell their culture harley davidson yeah harley davidson culture yeah huge culture dude it's like motorcycles and shitty t-shirts leather leather riding without a helmet you know it's like the straight man's leather riding leather daddy stuff with like a like a half helmet but you should

always be wearing a full face helmet ryan please get for your bike just one of the helmets. Just as a big spike. So like when I go through someone's windshield, I tail their like fucking cranium. Yeah, if they're taking your life, you're taking theirs. I'm taking you with me. That's my favorite thing Spoonie ever said. That's why I have a giant spear like that I always carry on my bike. Jousting.

If I crash, you're going with me. That's literally Mad Max. If you cut me off and I die, you're going to die too. That's why Ryan keeps sticks of dynamite on the back of it. Very delicate sticks of dynamite. So if he crashes, you blow up too. It would look sick. Can you imagine?

You're on the highway. You see someone else. I've always wanted to see like a Big explosion You could create one There's this place like Three hours out of where I live in Texas Where you can shoot like tank rounds

And like M4 rounds and things like that We were looking at a place like that to drive A tank at once What do you call driveatank.com Yeah well we were gonna do a video We were gonna go drive tanks And shoot them and shit and shoot machine guns, but I think it was in, like, Minnesota. So, we could still do it.

It would be worth it. It would be fun. You should come to Austin, stay with me, and go drive a tank with me. I would love to spend a lot of a lot more time in Austin. We only have to spend, like, a day. Austin Motel, dude. Great fucking cool place to stay you know i was being stupid because like i was doing that thing where i was trying to

be responsible about looking at what i eat so i'd like i didn't eat that much when we were in texas i would like have a meal that should have been counting my calories and now like i still look the fucking same i actually didn't put in the fucking amount of effort that i should have so it's like i should have just enjoyed that food but now when I come back to Austin, I'm definitely going to enjoy some food. You got to go to Franklin's. You got to take me. We did. I haven't been.

I still haven't been. It's like a three hour wait. Wait, Jackson. Did we go to Franklin's in Austin? Oh, was that the place with the line that was like six hours? Yeah. We stood in line for a little bit and then bailed because- You have to go in the morning.

They brought bread that was really good. You got to go in the morning. You got to wait like three hours before and then you'll be good. They weren was really good. You gotta go in the morning, you gotta wait like three hours before and then you'll be good. So you still have to wait for three hours. You have to wait before they're open. They weren't open and the line was three to four hours. And I was like...

Did you go on a weekday or weekend? I think it was a weekday. Shit. It reminds me of... You gotta make it worth it. What's his name? It's like hot chicken in downtown LA roscoe's chicken waffles no not roscoe's hold up one second i'll try dave's hot chicken it's it's gus gus's it's like someone's name michael michael's chicken i mean it starts

with an h maybe hughes no not h Hamoud downtown Los Angeles oh Howlin Rays oh yeah dude that place I have never been but the line it's in China it's good the line is fucking crazy is it good I liked it was it worth the wait I went at a time

where I only waited for like I'm gonna say only but it was like an hour hour and a half I just got lucky and I know sometimes the line can be, but it was like an hour, hour and a half. I just got lucky. And I know sometimes the line can be two to three hours, like pre-COVID and all that too. So like, I enjoyed it.

I, I enjoyed the experience of waiting in line, having conversation, just relaxing, then getting the food and then enjoying it. And it wasn't like not worth it.

Fuck it. Just bring the blue, the iPad with the big blue case. Yeah. Throw on like two episodes of True Blood. Yeah. That's what I need to start doing when I like know I'm going to have to sit in line. Like why?

Bring a wheelchair, dude. Like what am I afraid of? People are going to be like, oh, he's lazy. He's not standing. No, they're all going to be jealous. Yeah. That's why they're all going to be so upset. I think at Franklin's they have like a big stack of lawn chairs.

They do. Really? Yep. Come sit down. It was scorching hot that day too, I remember. We were waiting in line. So we waited for like 30 minutes and we're like, you know what? But they did bring out really good bread.

I think it was bread. The brisket apparently is really good. No, no, no. They brought out brisket. They brought out like barbecue, like little samples. You got a little piece of it? Mm-hmm. For people in line, which was very smart because they're like,

hmm, more where this came from inside. Fuck it. Just come down, drive a tank, wait in line for which was very smart because they're like, hmm, more where this came from inside. Fuck it, just come down, drive a tank, wait in line for some brisket. I'll drive my tank to Austin. I want to go to the Alamo Draft House. That's open, right, in Austin? Yeah, you can rent it out for yourself. There's one here, too. It's $150. You get the whole theater yourself. Should we all just rent it out? Yeah, fuck it.

Watch a movie? They have a list, though. It's like Kung Fu Panda 3. Wait, they have a list that... Yeah. Yeah. You have to pick. Because you can't... There's like laws where you can't just show any movie in a movie theater. But I paid for it.

Doesn't matter. But it's my money. Wait, what about... Can we just have a day of watching Super Mega in the movie theater? I think you could. I remember when I was a kid, they hooked up Halo 3 on the theater at like some birthday party. Are we sports in a theater, dude? The delay is horrible

but it's so fun because it's massive right I remember one of the employees for because I had a birthday party at a movie theater one of the employees put in like Guitar Hero

and was just playing it on the big screen shit that's awesome and I yeah we also played Call of Duty I want to say it was like

not of course not the most recent World War 2 one because I was a kid when this happened it was like was it just called world war 2 world at war world at war I think

yeah I think they had that on the on the on the big screen to play old school runescape I think I was 14 at the time we should run a theater soon just and play video games all day okay I mean round one in Burbank is is open I want to go I

have we haven't been yet because the week it opened was the week COVID lockdown started. But it's open again. So if you guys go to the round one in Burbank, maybe you'll see me and Ryan hanging out. Not anytime soon because I'm going to be in South Carolina, of course. That's what we're saying. We're just saying that

so we can go enjoy it without those pesky little fans. What's round one? I don't even know. It's an arcade where they have bowling. You can just get drinks there. They have food, bowling, karaoke. But the main thing is the fucking massive arcade.

They have like every fucking game ever and you can win tickets on a little card and everything. And then there's also like, if you want to play pool or darts, whatever. But the karaoke's fun. So it's a really big, really big arcade. And it's super fucking fun.

I'm surprised you didn't get shut down with COVID. Oh, well, they built a brand new one and the week it opened was the week that the lockdown started. So they just opened it back up. There's a bunch of them around, but this was, all the ones are really far away, like City of Industry or Covina or wherever.

So it's like, it takes forever to drive there. But this one, it's in Burbank. So ain't too far. So basically, next time you're in, are you coming next weekend too? Coming next weekend for just like a couple of weeks. Three weeks. You're flying out three weekends in a row? Yeah.

And then maybe the one after that. And then early June first weekend. My man's hustling. He's got some videos lined up. He's been doing it. They're exciting. I love shooting. Like, I love shooting.

It's so much fun. They're cool videos. I'm excited. You should do one with Ryan where I had an idea. I actually did have an idea for one you should do with Ryan. I'm trying to remember. You should take Ryan sword. You guys should go deep sea swordfish fishing.

Deep sea spear fishing. Why don't you guys go like shark cage diving? Shark cage diving? Go into a shark cage. Sharks are like the ocean in general. I'm just terrified. Would you ever do the shark cage with me? For a video.

We should. How about for a video? Let's all go skydiving for a video yeah ted wants to also right i'd love to go skydiving i told teddy looks like real life i could do it i just feel i just i have this i don't know what to call it except for like mcgee luck it's not good but i just feel like i have that like it would happen that i'd have the trainer that's like having trouble with his wife at home i'm strapped to him he's not paying attention he pulls a cord and i just fall clean out from under him he still has his parachute he slept on the couch last night i'm great luck my my trainer's gonna be like a world yeah he's gonna like be okay this is our new trainer he's an olympian he's been doing this since he was around five he did it illegally but you know it's Ryan's guy shows up like

drunk off of a bender he pulls the cable that just just detaches Ryan he's like right before right before we jump he's like watching a video of like his wife cheating on him on like the home ring camera or some shit he's nose dives and he's

just like here it's actually I'm taking you with me boy he's like taking he's like drinking and he's just like, ear attached to him. I'm taking you with me, boy! He's like drinking as he's falling. Fucking bitch. I had a dream last night about that where, I already told you, long story short, part of my dream was Neville from Harry Potter. He was falling off a cliff into a crocodile's mouth and as he was falling he was like chugging an entire bottle of liquor and then he fell into the crocodile's mouth and died. Why would you chug the bottle? Like, you're not going to get drunk. Hey, man, he's going out with a... It actually looked like the bottle of Hennessy.

I don't know what it was. It was just dark liquor and Neville. So you're telling me Neville was drinking a bottle at you while you were doing Alligator's Mouth? Yeah. Was a song playing? Was it in slow motion? It sounds like a Zack Snyder's.

He was slow motion, but he was speaking up to the camera because it was from like a Harry Potter movie. I love you, Matt. Keep following your dreams. He was like... I'm Neville from Harry Potter. Hey, Matt, follow those dreams, man. I'll see you on the other side. By the way, I played Neville in Harry Potter.

That's that I wish. Dude, I had some weird ass dreams last night. You're lucky, man. Describing vivid dreams just seems so fun. I was describing my dreams to him. I had one dream where I like was turned into like a tweaker and i entered this really weird like compound that was like 50 stories tall and i was going through the different rooms while tweaking and it was weird because the rooms were like i can't i can't even do i said weird dreams

last night the most recent dream I had... I rarely have dreams that I can at least remember, I guess. Martin Luther. I had a dream. Neville was falling off the cliff. This one wasn't about civil rights, unfortunately. I'm not... I'm not...

Everyone has their rights right now, right? Yeah. Rights are done. You have your rights, right? Yeah. As a Canadian? I can sit anywhere I want on the bus that's awesome also i mean john tron said racism doesn't exist in america today he also said like uh black people are ruining the gene pool or something oh dude don't worry last time i i said something john tron said which was literally just

a direct quote i got uh plenty of plenty of angry john tron fans i don't i fans. I don't watch JonTron. Why not? I don't like him. What? You're willing to say that on a podcast so bluntly where people can tattle? Hey, man. You don't care? Oh, they love to tattle.

What if he cries? If I make a joke about JonTron, they tattle. If you hurt his feelings, would you care? Not really. I mean, I don't know the guy. Okay. But I don't like him personally okay why because the racist stuff or mostly yeah i also just like uh i don't like pixel art don't you think white

people should have an ethno state yeah isn't that israel that's no am i like i'm jewish i'm allowed to say that dude you and i are about to throw hands yeah ryan's palestinian also guys shake hands and it's like dude whoa we just solved solved the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Well, you're not Israeli, you're Jewish. I almost took my. But still, you know, he has a claim to the land. My rite of passage or whatever, yeah. Your birthright trip?

Yeah, I almost took it. It's like a free trip. They try to get you to like marry like an IDF soldier. Wait, what? They like send you there. You marry a soldier? They send you there. They pay for the flight.

They pay for everything. And they like And they put like pretty ladies around you. Oh, I was picturing like bearded Israeli soldiers. No, no, no. They marry you to them. Dude, the IDF is awesome. What? Yeah, it's like

totally swagged out or whatever. The Independent Dad Foundation? It's for single fathers to put them back on their feet. It's awesome. It's a great thing. Yeah, my dad got custody of me when i was 23 years old man the idf is okay uh first of all idf is gay second uh real bad timing unfortunate like a negative thing no like they're very happy people uh real bad timing because like we shot the mail room number 25. We shot that like a month and a half before it came out. And I was wearing a T-shirt someone sent that has the cast of Five Nights at Freddy's, but it says Israel on it. Coincidentally, that comments that are like great timing.

That video came out the same week as the as the current Israeli-Palestinian conflict was exploded. What did you mean by that shirt? Like what's the commentary there? Well, man, I was making a statement by wearing the Five Nights at Freddy's Israel shirt. You know? Living in Israel. I'll let you guys figure it out yourself.

Being a Palestinian is like being Purple Guy in Five Nights at Freddy's. You're just misunderstood. Who's Purple Guy? What? What do you mean who's Purple Guy? I just played the first one and the gmod maps

and I got scared and you never saw purple guy who's purple guy have you ever heard I gotta watch the matpat you do you actually do there's a bunch of purple guy

matpat videos he makes a lot of five nights before these videos still I think so no way he still makes five nights have you seen food theory

he has a new channel he has a lot of theory channels food theory yeah he's like what do you mean food theory well one of them how did the hot dog come to be he was wearing like No way. He still makes five nights. Have you seen Food Theory? He has a new channel. He has a lot of theory channels. Food Theory. Yeah, he's like. What do you mean Food Theory? Well, one of them. How did the hot dog come to be? He was wearing like bread gloves from Panera Bread the whole day.

I think that was the theory. Does eating a hot dog make you Freddy Fazbear? Is it kind of like how like if Super Size Me were like an episode of Food Theory? Like, for example, he like has like gimmicky ideas that he's like dude i love diet coke that's it and then he'll drink a lot of it what happens if i drink diet coke for a week straight and nothing else is that like what it is i'm not a food theory head i'm more of a movie theory guy, but... 3 million subs. Food theory? Let's see. And we can't even reach one. You guys are gonna make it.

The disturbing lore of the M&Ms. Food theory. You're eating pasta. WRONG! Was it all caps? I'm eating pasta? How am I supposed to... Food theory. We are running out of ketchup. That's not a... Are we? Are we running out of ketchup? Ketchup is literally a renewable resource

you can you can just grow more tomatoes grow more ketchup what if you run out of land? we're not gonna run out of land dude do you see all the mountains that we still have?

Arizona to conquer here in California to conquer we just flatten them we blow them up we just nuke them need more tomatoes

we need more ketchup for our burgers. We just go to Nepal. Biden's looking at his phone. He's like, oh my God, we're running out of ketchup. Let's go level Nepal. Get rid of all the Himalayas and plant some ketchup, Mr. Biden. Do it! It's not US territory.

Well, that's never stopped us before. It hasn't. Hawaii. Hawaii. Yeah. They stole that. For pineapples. Hasn't. Hawaii. Hawaii. Yeah. They stole that. They parked a... For pineapples.

Parked a Navy ship at the... They aimed a cannon at the castle and they're like, give us Hawaii. And it's ours now. Yeah. And it is. Are you trying to say it's not? It's not. I mean, it is.

It's a state. It's US territory. What a weird state. Oh, okay. Then why doesn't Hawaii go defend themselves then? Oh! Did you see that they like recently said they discovered like the uk or something like that wait what like some native hawaiians showed up in the uk and they're like

we found it well they should they claimed it that's how it works right that's not kind of what like has always happened though like when christopher columbus came there was already like millions of settlers here he's like i found it he's like this is india yeah but then he got to show them manifestifest Destiny, moving out to the west on the Trail of Tears. The Manifest. And they made him really sick. He didn't make him sick. It was an accident.

Accidents happen when you're conquering land. Dude, they shouldn't have been have such weak immune system. Do you know the natives were terrified of horses? I thought they rode them. I thought they rode them. Yeah, but when they first showed up, there's no horses here, right? So the first time they saw the horse, they're like, what the fuck is that? That's a weird looking dude.

But then once we showed them how to ride horses. Yeah, then they're like, yo, this is my shit. They were action heroes. They were way better at it. They stood on them and like fired arrows and shit like Legolas. Before we got here? There were no horses in America. I thought horses were wild native in america they were

terrified of horses i'm pretty sure pretty sure horses are native like to america like like stallions maybe my history teacher in ninth grade lied to me i would i would that because i i have pictures in my head of history books of native americans riding on horses because they horses existed in north america as recently as 12,000 years ago. How long ago was that? Definitely not before... Hey, can you just like... Horses are native to North America.

This is really crazy. 45 million year old fossils. No way. Are you serious? Yeah. That's crazy. I got lied to. Wait, you did.

Did America have horses before Columbus? Columbus did not introduce horses. The original theory accepted by the Western world was that there were no horses in Americas prior to Columbus' arrival in 1492. The Western world concluded that all horses of Native American people were therefore descendants of horses brought from overseas. But there were horses in Native culture

before the settlers came. Dude. Two million years ago. I literally was operating with like false information. Thank you. You were part of like. I was part of a cabal. man gave everything to pete you were you know i need to listen to more dr umar i guess or who dr oz actually great doctor didn't he like cure eczema or something no he's not even a real doctor oh my television personality about more doesn't even have a doctor. Maury's a doctor. I would trust Maury more than Dr. Oz. Is Dr. Phil a doctor?

Yeah, he is. He has a doctorate in TV production. Ryan, you saw him that one time in his big black Escalade. Yeah, with his like golden retriever or something. And you waved him and he didn't, he just. Yeah. He's Dr. Phil. I was just some kid on a, I was some like fresh out of high school.

Like this is my parents went. Now, do you want to go to Europe or do you want to go to Los Angeles? And I went Hollywood made the right choice. I know I definitely made the wrong choice. Have you been to Europe? No, I've never been either. I've never been. We should go.

Okay, let's go to Europe. This year? Let's do like maybe August. Not this year. No way. Really? Won't they be cleared up? Well, probably not. Maybe not August, but maybe the winter.

I feel like the travel to that extent is probably going to be until next year. But we can travel comfortably now within the States. We were hoping to do Japan vlogs later this year, but now it's looking like with Japan's new COVID surge, because they got the Olympicslympics in two months they're gonna cancel that again yeah they're still calling it the 2020 olympics too really yeah um that's uh it's not looking good for them that's a lot of money they only like one percent of japan is vaccinated too which is weird. We've actually, I think we've done a decent job with the vaccination rollout.

Of hoarding all the vaccines. Taking them from other people. I know a lot of people aren't even getting their second shot. They're just getting their first shot and they're just not doing the second one. I read a thing online. Like you know of people or you've read that people or you know people. I read that. Okay. It's very bad if you just get one. It doesn't really

like. Gotta get both of them. They're free. Yeah. What? It's free for me to be microchipped by Mr. Gates himself? Yeah. Poor Bill, man. I would do it. Why not? Melinda is about to be back in the dating scene. Back in the saddle, you know?

Yeah. Are you gonna make a move? Mm-hmm. Yeah, Ron and I are both gonna enter a polyamorous relationship with Melinda Gates. That's a lot of money on the line. Hope he signed a prenup! We're young, you know? We're young, and I'm sure, you know, we may not be in, like, the best of shape, but... She doesn't care about money anymore.

She's had... She has infinite money for the rest of her life, so now she's just trying to seek out something better than money, and what is that? YouTuber penis. YouTuber peni. Yep. Plural. Good one. Or penises. As in like nice catch. You guys should approach her docked

first and then pull out. We can't. We don't have foreskin. Approach her docked. Excuse me, man. You can get like a Chinese finger trap. We must Undock ourselves That's the sound it makes What's the thing?

Of your penis? When two men undock it's like It's very mechanical I want to see two Transformers docking And it's very like Like that Now that would be a good new grounds animation from meat canyon meat canyon meat canyon go ahead buddy we got you to baby sticker in the mail today

thank you he sent you to baby stick oh we're part of his patreon and uh every month he sends out a new sticker in the mail and uh so we have a door in our office in our in our work room uh we have a door that's like glass panels and every month when we get our meat king sticker we have a door in our office, in our workroom. We have a door that's like glass panels. And every month when we get our Me King sticker, we put a different sticker on. And we just finished one column. And today was the first one of a new column. And it was DaBaby where he's going, let's go. That's a great bonus. So that means a regular show will probably be the next sticker maybe?

That, yeah. Have you seen the most recent one? I haven't watched the regular. I watched a little clip from it. He posted like the whole thing on Instagram. Yeah, man. Hunter's a great guy. You guys should get Hunter on Off Candy.

Yeah? Yeah. Forward me your information. He's a really, really cool guy. I watched your guys' podcast with him. It's pretty funny. Thanks, man. he's a funny dude I mean you guys are funny guys

you almost have a million subscribers right I think the reason that we haven't hit a million is only funny people are allowed to have a million subscribers that's what I think every year every year it feels like we're just almost there

I'm actually like it's like year five and we haven't had a million subs. But you know what? There's almost this weird part of me that kind of like, I've liked the kind of smaller community feeling of our. Of 900,000 as opposed to a million. No, no, no. Like, if we had like 10 million subs, I don't think it'd be the same like i really like our community we're not talking 10 i just 1m you know you guys are the blueprint for real of like duos like when i think like a pot like a good duo exactly what i would want to like have in a

deal you guys are the blueprint for sure dude thank you that's very sweet that's super sweet is it the you know the the kind of tall skinny? Is it also the physical, kind of like what you picture out as a group? It's just the mesh. You guys mesh so well. When I started working on Offcanny, I was like, Super Mega is the blueprint for how to do this well. Oh, wow. Thank you.

Thank you, dude. You're making my heart blush right now. More live action, please. Thank you. Okay. No, we definitely need to. Just more gaming. We get in the biggest slumps and we feel the worst

mentally like when we're not doing live action shit and then whenever we do it we get so excited again it just kind of like there's there's this stupid ebb and flow for some reason of like us releasing it your guys's live action shit is like so funny thank you we got we got a we got a lot more uh planned right now not not shot we do actually i i showed you uh a clip from one that we're gonna make when ryan comes back what the music video no the the clip we shot last year that's going in the video this year oh yeah he's a great actor right wasn't that incredible i don't know how you guys do that do what like even just early in the podcast you were like pretending to be someone's like skydiving coach oh yeah like i buy into that i can't act i just start smiling i i feel like

there's the you there's that barrier you have to break of like i'm like being uncomfortable what you gotta do that's why like like it's easier to do it with like people like i i wouldn't probably be doing that and like when i came over the other night i was probably like i don't know i was well you were voices crack i was like i was high i was i was super high too you got the picture of the papa john's pizza shit dude that shit was delicious but i'm definitely more like um comfortable in like a small group setting. If it's just Matt and I, I feel like I can do that more. If I'm put in a bigger group, I think I just feel like I'm put on the spot, I guess. You should try to get that Marvel check.

You see how they just make people ripped? Dude, I would love to get an agent and maybe they'd throw me in a Marvel movie, but I think I missed out. Dude, if you got an agent, you could legitimately start being in TV shows and movies, I would love to like get an agent and maybe they'd throw me in a Marvel movie, but I think I missed out. Dude, if you got an agent, you could legitimately start being in like TV shows and movies, I think. Because you were that good of an actor. You already have a following and you're very charismatic and handsome. You could easily be Kumail Nanjiani in Eternals. I could take his place.

Yeah. You could, no, dude, you could legitimately, like I'm, I don't want you to get an agent because I already know what's going to happen. You're going to start being in things and you're going to be too big and leave. There are, there are far more talented and beautiful. You're destined to be an actor, Ryan,

who have worked harder, who are going to go their whole life chasing like acting and not going to make it. And you're telling me like, yeah, like that's just because the world is unfair. You know, there's very few people that make it through. You're a great actor though. And you're handsome. And here's the thing, Ryan, it through the match. You're a great actor, though. And you're handsome.

And here's the thing, Ryan. It's very sweet. You carry the weight in Super Mega. I do carry most of the weight. In the handsomeness and the acting. I was jiggling my tummy when I said that. The looks and the acting chops. That's what he carries the weight in with Super Mega.

I carry the weight in shitting myself in the shower. carries the weight in with sumega i carry the weight in shitting myself in the shower and uh but it provides like the the most entertaining stories you're you're a very vivid storyteller thank you man i'm very i learned from the best very beautiful human being this is adorable i love this well your eyes started this man you started getting this on this sappy shit sorry jacob i mean i'm off the henny we We admire you as well, man. You were a very cool content creator. And Offcanny, I want to apologize for never getting back on when you

had that thing prepared for me on the Epic SMP server. It's fine, man. I just spent two weeks. It just so happened I just had a spiral right after that. I didn't stream at all afterwards. I haven't streamed since. Trevor shouldn't have started a server if he couldn't carry it through.

What was it, by the way? Since it's deleted now. I spent two weeks. I got all your stuff in chat. I took all the stuff out of your house. I built a new area to hide it in. And I made a treasure hunt all the way to a cabin in the middle of the woods that i built really nicely oh my god you go in the basement that's under a hidden rug

and you walk to the end of the hallway and when you open the chest it closes the doors behind you and it explodes that's badass that would have been the perfect like end ryan you did some i i i just saw people talking about it that's, that's so fucking good. I spent two weeks just looking. I loved your Joker arc. Yeah. Just staring at me across the way. And I prepped the whole video.

I prepped the whole video where it's like a link. You click it and it opens. It's like, hello, Ryan. That's awesome. No, it's not deleted. Oh, that sounds so good. It's not deleted yet. You could go back on the map.

I still have the server. It's not the same, though. Yeah. I wish I had gone back on, but I just wasn't in the mood to stream. I would have the server. It's not the same, though. Yeah. I wish I had gone back on, but I just wasn't in the mood to stream. I would have. I mean, I would have gotten on if Trevor hadn't just done such a horrible job managing it and ditched it after going off on us. Yeah, he just gave everyone admin powers.

Yeah. It was fucking awful. It was fun, though. I saved my ass so many times by teleporting. I did, too, and then people got mad at me. Like, stop! And I'm like, man, bitch, I'm gonna play Minecraft. Oh, I wanna play Minecraft, pussy!

So when's the next one? When's Epic SMP 2? Uh, well, Ryan and I were thinking about starting a new Minecraft server. And SMP. Dream SMP 2. We're gonna play with Dream and Corpse. Alright. You don't like Corpse? I feel like... Why is his voice like that it's

because it's a medical thing yeah he has like some gastro something i heard his like is that really i heard his mgk song and he like he got loud on it and i was like oh that's better he like he what he does he does well like he he's perfect at it like in terms of that like the music that he's creating like i'm not gonna say like oh dude he's awful because like he's good at what he's doing i think at least yeah i i don't enjoy the music that that i don't know what the genre is i ran into savage gasp the other day uh what is that genre of music um tiktok is it really just called no i don't know that's rap soundcloud what he makes is like yeah it's like soundcloud rap um very 2016 sort of like x the kind of stuff yeah yeah i had a dream

about x last night i don't remember what it was did you kiss him no no okay you ever had a celebrity death that was like damn Steve Irwin was the big one for me really that tore me up as a kid

Epstein Michael Jackson from Steve Irwin tore you up I've said this before the one that really got me Robin Williams is another one that was like hard

but like nothing hurt me like in terms of celebrity death like Steve Irwin I used to watch Steve Irwin all the time with my dad and just like croc diaries

and like I remember going to the movie theater because they they actually made like a crocodile hunter scripted movie really bad but it was Steve Irwin

MF Doom got me that was like that was just so sudden and also it's like yeah he's also been dead for two months that one that one really made me really upset because i love him after you i think it was

probably x because like not because he was a good person i think yeah like i had found his music on soundcloud when he wasn't like popular oh so like when he was like all that jocelyn flores like literally his first song i heard i was like i'll follow this guy and I listened through his whole career and like followed him the whole way through and then him just being like it just felt weird to just go out

yeah just like he's so young too like he's my age as well so it's like oh my god he's my age and he just got shot and killed

I was in Japan when he died and I found out because I saw on the news a picture of him and it said XXXTentacion son blah blah blah

like a bunch of Japanese and I just recognized the character for death and blah blah like a bunch of japanese and i just recognized the character for death and i was like it's just weird when you like fall especially yeah i can imagine it's weird when someone you follow dies like uh there's this youtuber that i used to watch years ago uh for asmr stuff i forgot about her for like two years and i looked her up the other night and i was like oh she hasn't posted a while I saw the comments were all like, rest in peace. I was like, oh my gosh, she died. She overdosed.

That's so personal too because she's like, she's whispering to you. Well, it's always just weird when like a creator that you follow dies, especially if you feel like you know them because you watch them so much. Yeah. So I think like what would really, Tom Hanks would really get me. I'd be very sad if Tom Hanks died um and chet by extension probably more sad if chet died what celebrity would wreck you the most before we end the podcast right now probably like it's gonna sound dumb but probably like bo burnham because i watched him a lot uh like i watched him on yeah youtube and then he got a special on comedy

central as much like that where like i like found him on youtube like doing his shtick and then i really loved uh the specials that he did on netflix i thought they're like fun and creative and i just kind of like always liked just his sense of humor and shit like that and his shows i just think they're super fun and he's like gonna come back and i don't know just uh he's a he's a smaller creator too and i can't think of anyone else because like for some reason it gets to this point it sounds shitty but like when a when a celebrity is so famous i'm not like it's not like I expect them to die but it's like their death comes off as more of like this big event

than like something a little more personal when Donald Trump dies it's going to be such a big like thing for a big time the death of the greatest president of course first president to troll first black president, too.

What would be yours? Probably you guys. If we died right now, I'm sure that would wreck you. That would fuck you up. I got news for you, Jacob. Two people drop dead in the middle of conversation. Oh my God! Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs projects done well. I absolutely love this because you know,

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