supermegashow - EP 93 - Poor Ron Jeremy
Episode Date: June 6, 2018We talk poisonous animals, Elon Musk, and Dan drops by. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices...
Transcript
Discussion (0)
FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling,
winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do.
Who wants this last parachute?
I do.
Enjoy the number one feeling, winning, in an exciting live dealer studio,
exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated.
19 plus and physically located in Ontario.
Gambling problem?
Call 1-866-531-2600
or visit connectsontario.ca.
Please play responsibly.
Want to sip my water bottle?
Uh, no, I'm good.
I had some water beforehand.
I'm pretty hydrated.
How about you?
Well, in terms of hydration,
I'm probably not the most hydrated boy that's out
there right now. No?
You gotta get yourself a personal water bottle.
I do have a personal water bottle. You just don't use it.
Well, I do. I just don't bring it to work.
I don't bring it to the recording sessions. I should.
You should bring it to work. Here I am
wasting plastic and polluting the earth.
Let me just...
I think I saw a... That's good an article on reddit that says they found like like in a
really deep part of the ocean they found a plastic bag or something whoa really yeah shit like the
deep ocean scares me so bad well you can't survive there because of the pressure and it's like pitch
black and it's also like freezing cold. And there's creepy creatures
that are creeping and crawling.
That are bio-illuminescent.
That's pretty cool. Which are really awesome.
But you don't need to be deep
to see bio-illuminescent creatures at all.
Yeah, but when you're down there, those things look like
straight out of some alien movie.
Like some disgusting...
So you know
if we put a person down there it would crush
them instantly yeah but there's animals that survive down there what happens if you bring
them up to the surface do they like i don't think they can survive do they just explode it's just
i don't think they explode because you know humans inflate and float up to do they like a balloon
because humans would implode just like but but they would just keep expanding like like until
they pop like a balloon i don't know what would happen.
Well, anyway, guys, welcome to episode 93 of Super Megacast.
It is a lovely, is it Monday?
It's Monday.
It's a lovely Monday morning.
It's not morning.
It's 3.30. No, it's afternoon.
It's 3.30.
I'm going to get some work done after this.
Got to edit some good old Let's Plays.
I love editing them Let's Plays.
Let's Plays are my favorite thing to edit.
Mama lets me watch Let's Plays
if I get all my homework done.
So there's a kid out there listening
that he's like,
wow, that's literally exactly my situation.
I have to do my homework
and then I'm allowed to watch Let's Plays.
Mama lets me,
but if I don't get good grades on my report card,
mama doesn't let me watch those Let's Plays.
And you know what?
I'm actually curious.
We've asked this question before, but I always like asking ask it baby what are you here what are people that are listening to this podcast obviously are here to listen to the podcast but how many of
you would you say if you're here your main draw are let's plays or your main draw is the live
action stuff that we don't do as much or is the main draw the
podcast what is the main draw to this channel what what do you like i know i know you must
enjoy at least at least most aspects of what we produce but what would you say is when when it
pops up on your feed you're like gotta watch that gotta click this gotta click this son of a bitch
for some reason i just don't feel like it's the Let's Plays. Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, I know there's a lot of people that
enjoy them, but... Imagine
this. I'm trying to imagine
all the people. Okay, how many?
450,000.
Imagine
if we removed Let's Plays from our
channel and just made it podcasts
and shows and stuff.
How would you like that?
What if you guys, what if?
Or what if we did Let's Plays once a week in a big video?
Like they were like a special thing.
What if?
What if we did that?
What if, guys?
But anyways, you leave down in the comments, what if, you know?
What if?
What if there were two podcasts a week?
What if there were two podcasts a week?
There was a special Let's Play
show where, you know, we incorporated
more live action and more editing into it.
What if, uh...
What if, you know? What if we reviewed Dip
on the channel? No.
Come on, dude. Never. Copenhagen?
I'd vomit. A little Dip?
You know, in the next recipe, I'm gonna make you a Dip
sandwich. A Dip sandwich?
It's like dip on bread?
Use it as a little spread.
I'd be like Buzz Lightyear to infinity and beyond.
Yeah, dude.
Buzz Lightyear.
Be buzzing to infinity and beyond if I had a dip sandwich.
Imagine just eating a whole can of dip.
Just like scooping that shit in your hand and just like...
You pack that lip, baby.
Is it that Copenhagen wintergreen?
It's that grizzly... Uh-oh, we're talking grizzly. Something. I don't know, dude. Is it that Copenhagen wintergreen? It's that grizzly.
Uh-oh, we're talking grizzly.
Something.
I don't know, dude.
What are dip brands?
Copenhagen, grizzly.
I used to sell a bunch. Skull?
Because Skull's one.
Skull's one.
They also have the bags of dip.
Just a big pouch of dip.
Yep.
I sold a lot of cigarettes and dip when I worked at Food Lion.
Just for fun.
Not even as part of your job.
No, just for fun.
You just sold them.
Yeah.
dip when I worked at just for fun not even as part of your job you just sold them yeah but it's just I think the most popular two were um grizzly and copenhagen most people got I think copenhagen
god dip is so fucking gross I'm I don't think I've never had it and I never tried it once it was
uh jesus man it burns it gives you a big old buzz it gives you an never will. I tried it once. It was, Jesus, man. It burns.
It actually gives you a big old buzz.
It gives you an intense buzz.
I feel like it's the same gross buzz, correct me if I'm wrong, that you get from chewing nicotine gum.
It is.
It makes your tongue tingle.
It's not a good buzz.
You want a good buzz, you gotta smoke those cigarettes, you know what I'm saying?
You gotta smoke them ciggies, brother.
I hate smoking cigarettes, but I do it anyways because I'm addicted.
Fuck me.
More like, you're a dick, Ted.
My name's not Ted, though.
If your name was Ted, that would have worked really well.
That would have worked magically.
That would have been a really funny joke, but it's not Ted, so.
No, it's not.
Ryan, imagine.
I could legally change my name to Ted for that joke to work.
But it'd be after the fact.
Yeah, but you could edit it.
I could get, how fast would it take to change my name?
It takes a while because there's that whole thing where, at least in California, if you
change your name, you have to declare it in a newspaper publicly for four weeks in a row.
Because of the Nathan for you episode?
Yeah, they pointed that out.
I don't know why you have to do that.
It's like, I guess it's to technically alert the public, but I don't know.
Who wakes up in the morning like, oh, I got to go check the name change section of the
newspaper and see who's changing their name.
I actually would be interested to check that out because, you know, there's gonna be some weird dudes trying to change the name to something like epic or like awesome.
Like so they're going to go and like like I want to see who's changing their name and what they're changing it to.
Epic and awesome.
There are things that you can't make your name, right?
What's the law?
I'm sure there are.
Like I'm sure you can't name yourself after like a corporation. i couldn't change my name to coca-cola can you
disney can you name yourself hitler is that legal that's probably i thought that was illegal that's
probably i'm sure there's like a someone tried to do that down the line some neo-nazi and they're
like oh can't do that yeah uh you've got can you change your name to jesus christ hey zeus they
got a bunch of they got a bunch of that.
I'm not trying to say anything, but in Latino culture, I don't know.
There's a bunch of Jesuses.
No, I mean like as a white guy.
Spell Jesus.
I want to change my name to Jesus Christ.
Just say it's Jesus and sure.
I don't think you can say Jesus.
I don't know.
I feel like they should, right?
If I want to change my name to Jesus Christ, I can.
Yeah.
What if I do?
Ryan, what if for like a prank, I didn't tell you until like it finished going through,
but I changed my name to Ryan McGee.
So like my name was legally Ryan McGee.
I think it was very weird.
And I'd have to question why I'm friends with you.
Like, how would you react legitimately if I'm like, Ryan, my name is officially Ryan
McGee.
I'd laugh and think it was funny, but I think it would be.
But then you're like, well, dude, your name is my name for the rest of your life.
Then I think it was very, very weird. But come're like well dude your name is my name for the rest of your life then i think it was very very weird but come on a youtube channel like two guys
named ryan mcgee say hey guys welcome back to the podcast are you gonna change your name to ryan
mcgee maybe i've already started the process remember it's mc capital g e you're ryan mcgee
and i'm ryan mcgee yeah so it's like welcome podcast, guys. I'm here with Ryan, and I am Ryan McGee.
I started streaming, like, custom games, like, with people on Twitch, and I had to make another
Xbox account, but I luckily didn't have to buy another Xbox Live Gold.
Oh, nice.
But my name on that, instead of Ryan McGee, it's just Brian McGee.
Man, I want to get a guy named Brian McGee on the podcast.
It's like Ryan McGee and Brian McGee.
Is there any famous Brian McGees?
I don't know where the fuck my phone went.
It's not important.
Fuck it.
I don't care.
I care.
My name is pretty common.
Matt Watson.
I remember in Charleston there was a dentist or a doctor named Matt Watson.
I didn't go to him.
Why not?
That would have been weird.
I just would have felt weird around.
I've never met someone that has my name.
Changing your name to my name wouldn't be weird?
No.
I think it would just be something, a way to show friendship.
And if you think that's weird, then maybe I'll change it to another one of my friends' names.
If you're not going to be appreciative of it.
I'm sorry.
Tucker Prescott.
Dude, what if we both change
our name to tucker prescott and don't tell him and then we just like show him i have a feeling
he would be very sad he'd be like guys we'd where's your individuality we'd put him in a spiral of
like depression and shit like i'm not i'm not original yeah he wouldn't feel like a unique
individual anymore because because then we'd be taking his namesake and because we have
more followers than him whenever someone searches tucker prescott we'd come up instead of him
that's a great way like if you're mad at somebody and you're competing with them online and you want
to like steal their their glory uh and you're bigger than them just change your name to their
name legally change your name yeah so it's like if i was pissed off at tucker i changed
my name tucker prescott so when you google tucker prescott my stuff comes up instead of his
it's like the ultimate revenge i just love when you look up tucker prescott there's like one
picture of him but like most of it is just other people oh i went because he takes photographs and
shit yeah yeah but when we on the last podcast that tucker was on when we talked about go follow
tucker prescott on twitter uh and it's like that's not the real the tucker doesn't have a twitter
yeah i went and looked up tucker prescott on twitter and it's just some black dude that
loves basketball so he's gonna get a bunch of followers i followed him did you really yeah
yeah but he hasn't posted why'd you follow him So when people go look it up, they think it's the real Tucker.
Also, he hasn't tweeted since like 2015.
He only has like five tweets on his account.
And it's just about basketball.
But that's it.
Hey, Danny.
It's Danny Sexbang.
The most requested guest to come on our podcast.
Danny, are you about to... Hey, hey!
Danny, get in here.
Get your ass in here.
Are you about to record the 10-minute power hour?
Bring it on in here!
He's coming.
He's coming for another...
He's stumbling in.
He's coming.
I think he's coming for another cameo.
Hi, guys.
We're never going to get him on the actual show.
The most requested, literally every podcast episode, the top comment is,
Get Danny on the podcast.
That microphone's not on.
You got to share this one.
I know.
So people just see, yep.
You're trying to balance his way on.
There he is.
Danny.
I love that shirt.
Really?
Yeah.
It's a cool shirt.
It's an album cover.
I like it.
Yeah.
From Gretchen Goes to Nebraska.
Their 1988 seminal album.
Wow.
Have you seen them live?
I have.
I just saw them live at Whiskey A Go-Go.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Well, okay.
Here's a question
just as
so we have you here
sure
have we asked you
what your favorite live
not your favorite live show
in terms of like
oh the music was great
but what has been your favorite
live show experience
oh Game Grumps Live
you know how like
like a show
and an experience
at the show
is like kind of different
you want to hear
the really weird tale
of what the truth is
yes
so for the first twelfth Yes. So for the first 12, for the first, like, I would say 10 years of my performance career,
I had no fans.
And the bands I was in, we would go around the country playing essentially to empty rooms.
And, like, it would be us just performing for the other bands.
Like at house shows and stuff?
Sounds like a Super Mega Live show. Yeah. No, yeah no just like uh like venues your voice will pick up even though it's pointed that way cool uh yeah just like low-level venues like
whoever would take bands like us you know and um like little clubs and stuff and one of the places
we played i don't remember what it was called but it was in North Carolina and it was next to this
pizza place called the Mellow Mushroom
I love the Mellow Mushroom
I miss the Mellow Mushroom so much
they have one all around
it's all over
it's a chain
it's never a good time when you remember the pizza place
next to the place you played more than the actual place
but it was one of those many shows
where we were in a foreign place,
we had no fans, and we were just playing
and there were these two girls in the audience.
They were it. They were the audience.
And we were like, girls! And so
we played our set, and then
when we were done, they went on stage next.
And we were like, ah shit, they're performers.
But
these two girls had
the voices of fucking angels and
they were two sisters and one had an acoustic guitar and the other sang with her and
they like
That it was the kind of thing where like they started singing and immediately everyone was like and no one said shit
for the next like hour and
The air was like palpably charged there was something unique in
the room and then afterwards i bought their cd which somehow did not capture what was so amazing
about them live but then the cd got lost and this was kind of before the internet was as big as it is now so I have no idea who they were or
What what their names were can't but no no it just lost a time, but that was one of the best
Concert experiences I've ever had do you think if you ever like you're just walking down the street and all of a sudden out of like
Some bar or some venue all of a sudden you heard that exact angelic voice playing
Do you think you'd be able to recognize it?
I don't know I don't know
I don't know cause I can't even remember what they
sounded like exactly all I can remember
you just know the feeling of like this is fucking awesome
couldn't remember the greatest song in the world
no this is a tribute
this is just a tribute
little tenacious D reference right there that's absolutely correct
but yeah I know that's a weird
answer so I
do know and I don't know
what my best live concert
experience was
I went to a hardcore show in Seattle
once
that there were like 5 people at
and the guys on stage were wearing animal skulls
and there was a fog machine and strobe lights
and it was loud as shit
and there was a lot of screaming
and the drummer drummed so hard his drum set fell apart like three times.
Didn't you drum so hard at one performance you had that you threw the drumsticks like seven times in a row out of your hands or something?
Well, it wasn't because I drummed so hard.
It's just my hands were sweating.
I was nervous.
Seven times in a row.
That's a lot of times.
We've always talked about it.
Like after the first time, you're like, fuck.
Second time, you're like, shit.
Third time.
I'm like, I just got to walk off stage.
But then the fourth time comes.
Not even then.
Then a fifth time.
Then a sixth and seventh.
During the duration of Holy Diver by Dio.
I was playing Holy Diver.
I was playing the drums.
And I'm just like.
And then just like the drumstick goes.
I'm like, fuck.
Luckily, there's like a pouch of drumsticks. And I'm playing for like a packed bar. So I whip out the drumstick goes whoop. I'm like, fuck. Luckily, there's like a pouch of drumsticks.
And I'm playing for like a packed bar.
So I whip out another drumstick.
And I'm like, ooh, it's okay.
Just no one noticed.
And then again, my drumstick goes flying out of my hands.
And I'm like, oh, shit.
I pull out another drumstick.
And in my head, I'm like, it's not going to happen a third time.
You know, it's like that's bad luck for it to happen twice.
But it's not going to happen a third time. You know, it's like, like, that's bad luck for it to happen twice, but it's not going
to happen a third time in one song.
Seven fucking times.
Did someone cover your drumsticks in like Crisco or something?
Dude, I swear to God, that's what happened.
Like, they were-
Did you fuck anyone over that's like, uh, he's never going to be in the music industry.
Let's just say he'll never play another gig in this town again.
You don't have to tell a story, but have you ever seen or witnessed or been a part of a
personal interaction where there's been that whole kind of like, we're going to make sure you never work in this town again?
Oh, God.
Me, personally?
Yeah.
Like, have you seen it happen to someone?
Have you?
No.
I don't think I have.
I saw Ron Jeremy get kicked out of the House of Blues, though.
What?
Was he naked or something?
He was not naked.
For anyone who doesn't know, Ron Jeremy is known as the Hedgehog.
How would you describe him?
Why is he known as the Hedgehog?
He looks like the main actor who was in the Super Mario Brothers movie.
Oof.
Bob Hoskins.
Except then afterwards.
It actually, like, Ron Jeremy, it seems like the perfect story of, yeah, he was in this
big hit, the Super Mario Brothers movie.
It actually didn't do well.
I don't know why I called it a hit.
But so I became a porn star.
Now I'm Ron Jeremy.
Yeah, I mean, he was a porn star in the 70s.
He's been around a long time.
Has he always been rocking that good mustache and hair?
Yeah.
Well, yes, but it's not good anymore.
No, no, not anymore.
Well, he's gotten fatter and grosser
as the years have gone on.
Doesn't he still do porn?
Yeah, he still does because
A, he's a staple of the porn industry.
And B, I guess the appeal is that guys who feel like they're gross looking,
look at the beautiful women this gross guy's getting.
And all he has to do is have someone pay them.
Yeah.
I watched a Ron Jeremy porno once because I was curious.
I was like, what's all the fuss about Ron Jeremy?
Does he get work done?
It was stereotypical.
He knocks on the door.
The door opens.
It zooms in on him.
And he's like, I'm here to clean the pipes or something.
It was literally the stereotypical porn.
He walks in.
He has sex with a beautiful woman.
And I just remember thinking, what's the appeal of Ron Jeremy?
He has sex with a beautiful woman.
And I just remember thinking, like, what's the appeal of Ron Jeremy?
He's a short, large man with long curly hair and a mustache and a sizable penis.
And he fucks.
But he seems like the type of guy that would have been on the Howard Stern show, like, ten times in a row, like, back in the day.
Yeah.
He probably was on the Howard Stern show. If you'd home want a picture of him, just think of Matt and then think of what would the exact opposite of the spectrum of what a human being would look like.
That's Ron Jeremy, yeah.
That's about it.
But I was at the House of Blues.
We played with Steel Panther and it was the last night that it was closing.
Steel Panther, before that though, I was surprised by them because Daniel showed me them back
in the day.
And I was like, you can show tits on YouTube?
Yeah.
There's tits on YouTube?
Yeah.
There's a whole subreddit for that.
In their music videos, they have boobies and everything.
I don't know how they do it.
In their song Glory Hole, they have a bunch of boobies.
Yeah.
They're great.
They're great guys.
I love them.
But yeah, Ron Jeremy was trying to get into the VIP section.
And he was with a young lady of the evening,
and the bouncers were like, you can't get in here.
And while they were stopping him, she,
like the girl he was with, slipped into the crowd,
and they turned around and yelled at her,
saying something to the effect of, hey, are you with him?
And she was like, nope, and just disappeared into the crowd.
Yeah, I know.
It was a brutal Ron Jeremy moment.
Did you see him walk away?
He should have been like, did he throw a cloak?
A cloak, sorry, a trench coat over his shoulder?
Yeah, he actually disappeared.
He disintegrated into a hundred bats.
He should have been like, do you know who I am?
Like with one sigh, he just like morphed into a hundred bats.
Really?
You're not going to let me in?
What?
You know, I played Mario in the Mario game.
Can't believe you don't recognize me.
So he came to see a Ninja Sex Party show?
No, he came to see Steel Panther.
We just, we were just guests at the Steel Panther.
Oh, so, but Ron Jeremy watched you play live.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
Miley Cyrus was in that audience.
It was, it was a very surreal night. You played for Miley Cyrus. Wow. Miley Cyrus was in that audience. It was a very surreal night.
You played for Miley Cyrus.
Yes.
Because she wanted to see Steel Panther?
Yes.
How many people want to see Steel Panther?
I didn't know they were that big, I guess.
I think they're very well connected in the Hollywood community.
Because they're super entertaining to watch.
They're so much fun.
They really know how to put on a show.
Are they still making new shit?
Oh, yeah. They're still around. They just had
a new album, I think. I believe it's called Lower the Bar.
Wow.
That's what I'm saying.
Look at that.
They can't put boobies in their music videos.
I think they just did.
Did they? We gotta put breasts on our
YouTube channel, Ryan. There's never been boobs on Supermega before.
That's a way to make sure we earn no money
for the rest of our YouTube career. Yeah, but we'd be able to see breasts.
When is Free-
When's Free the Nipple gonna work its way into YouTube so companies start boycotting YouTube because we can't show breasts?
And they think it's like fucked up and sexist.
Such a good question.
We just need to turn the tables on YouTube somehow.
Let's do Free the Penis.
Free- just Free the Tip.
Just the tip out your zipper.
Just call it freeness.
I have to go record power.
Okay.
It was my pleasure.
We'll get you on a full episode soon.
I hope that tied everybody over
that's been requesting Danny, damn Daniel
to come on the podcast.
Now it just feels so empty
without his presence here.
His glorious...
Do you want to go look at boobies on YouTube?
I've never...
I've never seen a titty in real life.
Besides when I was a baby.
What about mine?
Well, that's not a real titty.
What?
A titty's a titty, man.
It's not an estrogen-filled titty.
Are you sure? I have a little bit of estrogen in me i'm sure do men have any estrogen in them like is there like i'm sure like a little
bit of estrogen in there i don't know or is that explicitly like a female hormone what happens if
i don't know testosterone isn't explicitly a male testosterone's in women too right yeah i think so
yeah i don't know i'm not a scientist or whatever you have to be to know this a high schooler
probably what happens i'm not a high school whatever you have to be to know this. A high schooler probably. What happens if I –
I'm not a high schooler, Matt.
What happens if I just like drank estrogen every day?
Would I start to like develop –
You'd grow a vagina, dude.
Would my penis slowly recede and I'd grow a vagina?
I don't know.
All I know is when women – there's one person I can't –
When women do steroids, they –
Their clit gets massive or something.
It becomes –
No, there's something that women take and their clit gets massive.
Yeah, steroids.
Is it steroids?
It's steroids.
It's whatever they're taking to help transition into more of a, like, to grow facial hair and stuff.
I think it's testosterone.
Women take, like, trans men will take, like, testosterone supplements, I know.
testosterone supplements, I know.
But like,
basically,
if I took steroids,
it's weird because it does the opposite effect on each gender. So for women, it
masculinizes them more. And for men, it will
feminize you more. So if I
took steroids, I'd start developing breasts and
stuff like that. A little penis.
And little nuts. My penis would shrink.
But my muscles would look
sick. Dude, your muscles would
look hella sick.
You'd look beefed up, bro.
You work out every day. You're gonna be beefed up soon.
I'm hoping, man. You're gonna be like Taylor Lautner
up in this bitch. I hope I look like him.
Wait, like Twilight Taylor Lautner or like
Sharkboy and Lava Girl Taylor Lautner?
The former.
I think realistically I'll look more like Sharkboy and Lava Girl Taylor Lautner.
You're not going to look like a little kid.
Hey, Tucker Prescott has entered the room.
Tucker's in the building.
He's giving Ryan a kiss.
And he just gave me a kiss on the head.
Is he going to give me a kiss on the head?
He's walking towards me.
He's walking.
Let's listen.
Is he going to give him a kiss?
He did.
It was a nice big kiss.
Give him a kiss.
Angie has made it easier than ever to connect with skilled professionals to get all your jobs, projects done well.
I absolutely love this because, you know, if you own a home, it can be really hard to maintain.
It's hard to find people that can help you for a big project or a small.
Well, whether it's an everyday maintenance and repairs or making dream projects a reality, it can be hard just to know where to start.
But now, all you need to do is answer that and find a skilled local pro who will deliver the quality and expertise you need.
Angie has over 20 years of home service experience, and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process.
and they've combined it with new tools to simplify the whole process.
Bring them your project online or with the Angie app,
answer a few questions and Angie can handle the rest from start to finish.
Or help you compare quotes from multiple pros and connect instantly.
Which means you can take care of just about any home project in just a few taps. Because when it comes to getting the most out of your home,
you can do this when you Angie that.
Download the free Angie mobile app today or visit Angie.com.
That's A-N-G-I dot com.
Thank you, Tucker.
How's my hair smell?
Smells great.
Thanks.
I've been using some good Dove shampoo.
Smell Ryan's.
Smell Ryan's hair.
Oh, no.
If it's bad, you don't have to say anything.
Don't embarrass Ryan.
What does my hair smell like?
How would you describe it?
It's not shampoo, but it's also not unpleasant.
Thank you.
It's like a natural, like a nice natural hair smell.
Can I smell Ryan's hair?
No, it just smells like hair, and it smells pretty
good, actually. I like that. What does my hair smell like?
Is my hair good?
Yours smells like... I use Dove
cucumber shampoo. Okay, so it might be shampoo.
You know what? The more I smell your hair, the more I like it.
I like the way Ryan's hair smells. Thank you. I'm
training my hair to where I don't have to wash
it every day. Tucker, let me smell your hair.
Come here. Tucker?
Holy shit. Tucker's hair smells really good.
Give me your hair. Smell Tucker's hair.
Mmm, smells like Tucker. That's good shit.
That's the smell of Tucker. You got that strong jaw going on
in your purse and your lips. Why are you doing that?
What? Oh, cause I...
He's trying to train his jawline.
You guys are recording right now, so I don't want to make you
have to take these out, so never mind.
What, are you about to say something?
Hold on, hold on. We might have to cut this part out. Tucker, what make you have to take these out. What are you about to say something? I just hold on hold on we might have to cut this part out Tucker. What do you have to say?
We're back Tucker just admitted he was bisexual
So what? Yeah, there's no problem with it at all. There's nothing wrong with that dude
I don't know why you felt the need to come into our podcast just to tell us that though. Could've waited.
It really doesn't matter man. Your sexuality does not- it's fine.
It doesn't define you.
All I wanted was you guys to make me feel comfortable.
Does it? Does it define him?
I just wanted to feel comfortable.
Whoops. It does define you.
We feel comfortable, man.
Your sexuality defines you.
I just don't want you staying on my couch anymore.
Look up bisexual and start working on those personality traits.
And start training yourself to be one of them or something.
One of them.
The bisexuals are coming this
summer.
That's a horror movie about bisexuals.
They shoot lasers out of their mouths and shit?
If you're bisexual, you can shoot lasers out of your mouth.
It's actually really cool. I'm like, holy
shit. I need to ask my cousin that.
I wish I was bisexual so I could shoot lasers out of my mouth.
I'm trisexual.
Are you?
No, I don't.
Is that a thing?
No.
Trisexual?
I mean, it's called, uh, poly- no, that's a type of relationship you can have.
Um, it's, uh, pan.
Pansexual, yeah.
Pansexual would be the closest thing, right?
What's that where you fall in love with a frying pan?
Yes.
Oh, okay.
Dude, Ryan.
What? I want you to, uh, be aroused by an inanimate object. Sorry, okay. Dude, Ryan. What?
I want you to be aroused by an inanimate object.
Sorry, I can't.
Well, what I was going to say was...
I'm not talking about your mom.
Who?
Wow, that was actually really good.
That's a good one.
We were...
The other night, we were at my place, and we were looking at a $100 bill.
And we're looking at Ben Franklin.
And we realized, like, how fucked up his face is.
We were talking about, cause I was saying that like, you know, they did those hairstyles
because they were balding and it's like, no, I still have hair.
And I have nothing on the top of his head, but like a foot long of hair down the back.
And he's like, see, I have hair.
It's still there.
Right guys.
Like those, those founding fathers, like they, they, they went out of their way to show that
they weren't balding when they clearly were I like
How they kept all the gross?
Wrinkles and creases on Ben Franklin when they put him on the hundred all the time try to make him look good
Like in one side of his face is like sagging down like he gives you a very
Disapproving hit a stroke right before the person drew is it did he have a stroke?
Is that why his face is like no like fucked a bunch of hook He fucked a bunch of hookers, didn't he? Did he really? He fucked a lot, right?
Ben Franklin was a big fan
of fucking prostitutes.
He probably was like, hey,
one day I'm gonna be on the money, so you
wanna have sex with me now.
And they're like, oh wow, this guy's a celebrity.
He's gonna be on the money. He's also gonna go out
in a thunderstorm and get electrocuted.
Like a dumbass.
Is that true? Did he do that? What? The thing with the
kite with the key? Fuck, I don't know. I saw it
in a cartoon one day. Did Franklin get shocked
by lightning? That's like...
Has he tied a key to a kite?
That's like a stupid Isaac Newton story.
What did he tie to a kite? What was he saying?
Was it a key? A stupid key?
He got struck by lightning.
Because it traveled down the kite line or whatever it's called.
How would it travel down the kite line? It's string. I don't know.
It's not a conductor. That's bullshit.
The story didn't happen. He'd die if he got struck by
lightning, most likely. Probably. And also,
that's why his face is all fucked up. Because he got struck
by lightning? He got struck by lightning. He was like, ooh!
And it forced him to have an electric
stroke? It forced him to have a goofy face. That should be a
Spider-Man villain. The electric stroke.
And it's just Ben Franklin.
Like, coming back from the dead.
Ben Franklin has electric powers.
Yeah, but we were talking about how, like, you know, back then there weren't photographs.
No.
The only way to remember somebody was through a painting or a drawing.
Actually, when did photographs start coming around where you had the standstill because of the exposure and all that shit?
Late 1800s.
Okay.
Ben Franklin was before that.
And it's like, they could have remembered him.
He's an old motherfucker.
You know, it's like, yeah, when they painted him for the money, like, there's no photographs.
Like, they could have made him look, they could have done him a little more justice.
They could have made him look like Dwayne the Rock Johnson.
He could look nice.
He could look sexy as shit.
And no one's going to be able to prove it otherwise.
Instead, they got to paint him all gross, decrepit looking with his wrinkles and shit.
It's like, I'd be pissed if I were him. if he actually looks like that. He looks like Humpty Dumpty
He looks like a good representation of like a
The Brothers Grimm Humpty Dumpty you put put fucking Ben Franklin's $100 bill face on an egg and it's Humpty
Put him atop a big brick wall Humpty Dumpty
Did give him a push see him takeop a big brick wall. It's fucking Humpty Dumpty.
Give him a push. See him take a long big fall.
Fucking get struck by lightning.
He'd give you that disappointing look.
Layton was over. Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again.
I know it's longer than that.
That's probably a very toned down version.
I thought there was a longer version but something about Layton you were saying.
I was saying our friend Layton was over and she was just saying how like he, his face
is so like, it's like the, it's like that face, like a, like, like an old white person
will give you if you're like at a restaurant and you're high and you're being loud.
It's like that look.
He like kind of just.
Disappoint, like disapproving.
Oh my God.
And you know, if Ben Franklin was around today, he'd just be some like old fucking Kansas.
That's at the Waffle House at like, like 8 PM, just like in a tank top.
Like you look at him and you can see what he would look like nowadays.
Like as a, as a middle-aged American, he probably wouldn't grow his hair out like that.
He probably just bald.
But like, you can like look on his face and just see like a middle American, but he's
on the a hundred dollar bill and then like if you look at george washington on the one dollar bill he has
a look that's like trying to be disapproving but you can tell he's like he's about to laugh he's
like he's about someone someone someone's like goofing off he knows you he knows you're doing
some bullshit but he's like yeah i can't help it he's like get a little smile on this yeah put me
on that dollar bitch he likes the thing it's like you yeah, I can't help it. He's like, yeah, put me on that dollar, bitch.
It's a thing.
It's like you put a dollar bill in a stripper's shorts.
I don't know.
In her shorts?
In her, I'll say drawers.
Is Lincoln on the five and the penny?
Lincoln is on the, is he on the five?
Is he on the?
I don't know he's on what money, but here's the thing.
Is Jefferson on the 20?
Jefferson, Hamilton's on the five. Is Jefferson on the 20? Jefferson, Hamilton's on the 5.
Hamilton's on the 5.
Well, I know Lincoln's on two different currencies.
Lincoln is.
Same with Washington.
Is Lincoln not?
What is Lincoln on?
Lincoln's on a penny.
He's also on a bill.
But basically it's like if you put a dollar in a stripper's drawers,
you get that look back from George Washington. It's like, all right, my man. a stripper's drawers, you know, you get that look back from George Washington that's like, alright, my man.
He's on the five, you asshole.
I'm sorry.
I fucked up.
Who the fuck did you say was on the five?
Hamilton.
Hamilton.
No, Jefferson.
I don't know.
You said Hamilton.
Jefferson's on the 10, right?
Hamilton's on the 10.
Jefferson's on the 20, then.
That's the only other one I can, because I know Grant's on the 50.
Grant's fucking sexy my he's my relative
yeah wait what the fuck is this
do you know I'm related to Ulysses S. Grant
Thomas Jefferson
yeah he's on the featured on the is on the
$2 bill yeah
Jefferson is on the $2 bill and George
Washington's on the $1 bill
yo you know like but Benjamin Franklin's
face if you if you were to give a $, if you're drunk at a strip club and you stick a $100 bill in a stripper's drawers, you know, like, you see that look from Ben Franklin staring back at you, like, I can see the face just like, you fucking idiot.
Like, really?
You just did that?
You just gave $100?
Good job.
Like, that's the face he's giving you.
And I think they did it on purpose, so you'd be smart with your money.
You think so?
Mm-hmm. Is that why they put Ulysses S. Grant on the 50?
It's my relative, man.
Is he?
Yeah, I'm directly related to him.
And they said that.
Directly as in like.
He's your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather of some kind.
My grandfather.
Or like a cousin.
So he married.
That's some bullshit.
He married his wife.
He married his wife? No way. Are wife? no way his wife is in my family
so their kid went on to
spawn on my mother's
side of people
so I can directly trace myself
to Grant
it was an interesting way of wording it
he went to go spawn some
my wife and I are thinking about spawning a
few i created you it's like frogs frogs spawn right it's like that's what it's called do they
isn't it like well like when frogs give birth it's like spawning isn't it don't they just
fucking just out a bunch of tadpoles a bunch of eggs is that it's it's like the little jelly
balls that then the tadpoles hatch from oh tadpoles are cute how jelly balls that tadpoles hatch from tadpoles are cute
tadpoles are adorable I think
they're cute
they're very cute
like every time I find tadpoles in a pond
I'm like aww they're little baby frogs
it's so cool how they grow into like
goofy looking motherfuckers
they look different from like
they can kill you too
tadpoles?
no frogs, certain kinds of frogs and shit isn't that crazy
there's nice frogs and there's mean frogs yeah just like there's like nice flowers and mean
flowers could you imagine if there were poisonous dogs like there are frogs i hate that would be
terrifying like poisonous cats and shit how come there's no like poisonous mammals or like mammals
with all these weird shit that's true man there's no poisonous mammals or mammals with all these weird shit going on? That's true, man.
There's no poisonous mammals, are there?
I don't think so.
Platypus?
No, what's a platypus?
That's a mammal.
They're not poisonous, though.
Aren't they?
I thought they were somewhat poisonous.
They might be, actually.
I have some weird gut feeling that they are.
And you know, it's like, are there poisonous birds?
No.
Are there poisonous birds?
It seems like poisonous animals are strictly insects reptiles and
amphibians why is that oh toxic birds are birds that use toxins to defend themselves from predators
no species of bird is known to actively inject or even produce venom but some birds are known to be
poisonous to touch or eat these birds usually sequester poisons from animals and plants that they feed on.
So these are just birds that steal poison.
They eat some poison.
Yeah, they eat some poison.
It doesn't affect them, but it affects things that eat them.
I could do that.
I could drink like Ajax and then like spit it on somebody and be like, yeah, I'm poisonous.
Dude, I'm going to take a cyanide pill and then jump into a lion den.
Boom.
You're a poisonous human.
And if they eat you, they
might
just miss the poison. I'm also dead, too.
Yeah. I'd rather die
from cyanide than lions.
I don't know, dude. Cyanide's a real painful
death, though, isn't it? Oh, it's quick, though.
It's quicker than being eaten alive by lions.
Yeah, lions are gonna fuck you up. Unless they go for your throat,
then they'll bleed out.
Aren't there some animals that just like eating you alive?
Like they like the freshness of eating things that are moving and shit?
Probably most venomous or vicious animals.
Fish.
Fish are poisonous, too.
It's poisonous fish.
Like the puffer fish.
I was reading, I read a thing about how.
If you don't cook it right, it can kill you.
Yeah, well, they prepare it.
And in Japan, I think it was Japan Japan they accidentally sold a poisonous puffer fish
and they don't know who bought it at like a market
and they're like oh shit
so they put out all these alerts like if you bought
it if you bought a puffer fish don't eat it
and I don't
know if someone died or not
because it was in like the section of like
this is safe to eat but it wasn't
so fuck that's scary man
those jerks I'd love to try a puffer
fish. I wouldn't.
I just want to see what it tastes like. I just don't trust the
cook. They're cute. They're cute animals. I've
seen them out in the wild before. They're cute
even before they puff up. I looked off
a dock once and I saw a puffer fish swimming by.
Was it? I was like, hey.
Yeah, I was in Florida. It was all puffed up, too.
I was like, hey, look at that.
It was real cool. I saw a squid once swimming in the ocean. was all puffed up too. I was like, hey, look at that. It was real cool.
I saw a squid once swimming in the ocean, just swimming on by at nighttime.
I shot my flashlight in the water and I was like, hey, a squid.
Octopi, super smart.
Yeah, they're super smart.
They can open jars and they learn.
Yeah, they're really smart.
And they're very emotional.
I love baby octopi.
Like if you like go on YouTube and look up videos of baby octopi, they're very emotional. I love baby octopi. Go on YouTube and look up videos of baby octopi.
They're so cute.
I want a baby octopus as a pet so bad.
It's going to grow into a massive fucking monster and kill me.
How big is the recorded, what is the biggest squid?
Giant squid.
I think off the coast of Japan,
they're like huge.
They're like massive.
But it was only like until in recent history that we actually had proof of
recorded sightings of giant squids.
Cause was it in our,
was it during our lifetime or before our lifetime?
They found giant squids.
No,
it was during our lifetime.
Cause I remember as a kid,
I remember looking it up and like it was all myth.
They didn't have any – well, they'd washed up on shore.
So people had found them.
So like they knew they existed.
Oh, because they go in the deep sea.
They're deep sea dwelling.
Yeah.
Well, that's the thing is like there have been whales that – here's something freaky.
Dude, deep sea gigantism.
Yeah, yeah.
So on that note, remember we were talking about deep sea stuff earlier? There's
these whales that they're like the deepest diving
creatures known to man. And they
come back up with like suction marks
all over them, like from being attacked
by something massive. Yeah. So they're like
oh shit, there might be some really big like
squid creatures down there. These squids could be
they're saying like 13 meters
long for the males
and then 10 meters long for females.
Dude, can you imagine being-
You know how big a meter stick is, dude?
It's big, man.
It's bigger than a yard stick.
What the fuck is a yard?
Three feet.
Why?
I don't know.
I don't know.
Why don't we just use meters?
Why the fuck do they like, they're like, oh shit, they have meters.
We need to, it's a yard.
It's almost a meter.
Because feet don't go into meters. It doesn't make sense. Because we had to it's a yard it's almost a meter because feet don't go into meters
it doesn't make sense because we had to have something that goes into feet our system because
we're stupid stupid as shit whatever dude it works we figure shit out yeah but it's dumb oh well
it's the reality we live in how many feet are in a mile right how many feet uh five thousand
something see five thousand six hundred some fifty seven i don't know. How much is it? The fact that
you don't know it shows that it's a stupid system.
I'm gonna look up. It's 5,280.
See, you know. Yeah.
But it's like, how many,
what percentage of Americans know how many feet are in a mile?
Where, like,
metric, it's like, oh,
a thousand, you know,
meters are in a kilometer.
A kilometer.
You know, it makes more sense.
Like, it goes up in tens and hundreds.
So how much longer is a kilometer than a mile?
It's shorter than a mile.
Yeah, kilometers are shorter than miles.
And every other country in the world,
besides America and Liberia,
use metric.
So it's like, why don't we use metric?
It makes sense.
I don't know.
It's too ingrained now, though. We can't, like, go back.
Well, fuck you, America, dude!
Fuck, dude! We got the American measurement system
where 12 inches equals one foot.
It does! 5,280
feet equals one mile. Yep.
And then...
3 feet equals a yard. Yeah.
And then, uh...
Is there anything else? But we also use metric
here and there, like millimeters and centimeters.
We still use centimeters and millimeters.
We use that sometimes.
Oh, yeah.
To measure shit.
If you're measuring a small penis, you can use centimeters to make it sound bigger.
Because a girl will be like, hey, how big are you?
And you'll be like, six.
No, I still think like centimeters sound smaller than inches.
They are smaller than inches.
I know.
I'm just saying like you can't trick someone because it just sounds smaller.
Well, you don't have to say it's centimeters.
Just like if she never specifies.
6 cm, man.
She's like, hey, how long are you?
6 cm.
I can be like, 6, 4.
4 feet?
4 centimeters.
But I don't have to say centimeters.
4 centimeters as a small penis.
Are you 4 centimeters erect?
Hold on.
I'm trying to measure by looking how big 4 centimeters is
For an erect penis
She's my cherry pie
Makes a grown man
It's a little less than
2 inches
A little less than 2 inches is 4 centimeters
Because 1 inch is 2.4 centimeters I think
So a 1 inch penis is 2.4 centimeters
So if you had a 1 inch penis
You'd uh
There are people with 1 inch penises. Which, guys,
on the last, on, like, two podcasts
ago, we're talking about if you have
a loud car engine, you should
legally have to put a picture of your penis on the car. People got so upset.
They started getting so mad about that one.
They were like, you don't know shit
about cars. It's like, I love
racing. And I love revving
my engine. If you got a problem with it, that's
on you. There's a bunch of people so
upset it's like Jesus
Christ don't get so defensive just
because you have a small penis doesn't mean you have to get mad
in a comment section on a let's play channel
that person we responded to one
person said we asked them
yeah but how big is your penis and they deleted the comment
I couldn't find it did they delete the comment I couldn't find
it I don't think they deleted it well I couldn't
find it anymore so it might just be hidden.
Because we commented on it, I thought it would show up first.
It might still be there. I might be wrong.
Who knows?
All I know is that person was very upset.
That's the guy that was like,
I love racing. I love revving my engine.
If you don't like it, that's your problem.
Because we're just a bunch of soy boys trying to make ourselves feel better
for not having cars that turn women on.
Dude, I got it.
If I was a girl and I saw a guy drive by and go, I'd probably splooge out of my car.
A female in the comments section did say that revving the engine, they can feel it down there.
So that's probably why.
Because it gets them all rattled down there.
That's just, I don't know.
I feel like there's other ways to stimulate yourself than annoying 50 people in public
you could masturbate
yeah you can go home and masturbate
you can get a guy
you can have him dip his fingers
in some Welch's grape jelly
and he can go to town
what would that be called
huh
what would that be called
hmm
what would that be called? Huh? What would that be called? Hmm.
What would that be called?
Some pun on PB&J.
Something about jam, right?
I'm going to va-jam my fingers into your va-jay-jay.
It's like PB&J.
You know what I had the other night?
PB&J va-jay-jay.
There you go.
You know what I had the other night?
What'd you have?
Did you do this?
Did you jam your fingers into some Welch's grape jelly?
No, no, no. No, I did not finger a woman with welch's grape jelly i did not stick
two of my fingers or one people have done that with with grape jelly dude knuckle deep man you
know what i'm saying knuckle deep hey babe anyways i had a peanut butter jelly sandwich those those
those things are fucking incredible they're great i made myself one for dinner last night so good
it's a solid dinner man i've been making my way through the Harry Potter movies.
I was on, I'm on the fifth one.
No, no, no. I'm on the sixth one.
Just finished the fifth one. Well, like, here's the thing.
It's like, enjoy the PB&J while watching
some good old Harry Potter or the Phoenix.
Like, we're adults now. You're almost 24.
Unfortunately, yes.
And I'm 22. Can I rewind?
No, you can't. Fuck. Are you sure?
I'm positive. positive shit you're right
there's special crystals
that might take you back
fuck
you can get them on the deep web
okay
crystals that'll
transport you back
to a younger age
yeah
I'm serious
okay
you can get time travel
I'll look for them
I'll look for them
okay
well uh
like there's nothing wrong
with making a
cause I feel like
when I make a PB&J
for dinner
it feels so like
bacheloresque
and so like
oh depressive
but it's like
fuck dude it's a sandwich
and it tastes good. It's healthy. You get protein
from the peanut butter and you get carbs
from the bread and jelly. You get some sugar
and some spice and everything. Also
like get some sliced apples or bananas
with it, you know, like put it on the
side. Who gives a shit if that's a kid's
lunch? It's tasty. I'll still eat kids
cuisine at 22. I think my favorite sandwich
will always just be a peanut butter and jelly.
Because I will always be down for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
All right.
I'm going to throw some variations your way.
You might just throw them right out the window.
Uh-oh.
PB&J with banana on it.
That sounds somewhat decent.
It's good.
It's good.
Okay.
PB&J dipping in milk.
Ooh.
Okay.
Only if I toast the bread.
I wouldn't do it with soggy soft bread. I remember when I was a kid. Do that crunch. PB&J and milk. That, okay. Only if I toast the bread. I wouldn't do it with soggy, soft
bread. I remember when I was a kid,
eating J&J and milk, that shit's good. Do you like
crunchy peanut butter? What I did do is I
do, um,
I toast. See, I
stopped myself from saying that.
I toast bread, and then I put
the peanut butter on it
so it kind of melts almost. The peanut
butter kind of gets a little more soft and it's nice.
If,
if,
and then you put the two slices together,
then you dip that in milk.
That's really good.
I've never dipped a PB and J in milk.
I've only dipped peanut butter toast in milk,
which is still really good.
I mean,
milk is made for dipping man.
Oreos,
cookies.
So was,
so was red wine.
Yeah.
Red wine,
dip cookies in red wine,
dip a PB and J in red wine.
No, you just dip communal bread in red wine. I wine dip cookies and red wine dip a pb and j and red wine no you just dip
communal bread and red wine i'm still on this i'm gonna make sure people start doing this at
parties like like like the eighth podcast we've brought up communion and how fucking delicious
it is no not not communion in general i'm just saying get a fucking dip cup not a dip cup is
different yeah get a fucking dip bowl. A bowl for dips.
We call that a mud jug, brother.
Or spreads.
And just put some red wine in there.
And then around that, you put that in the center of the plate.
And then around it, you put nice bread.
Really nice bread that you get from your local grocery store, I guess.
And then you have people just dip it in the red wine.
It tastes good.
It's a fine little side. I like that concept, but I guarantee if that's at a party, no one's going to do it in the red wine. It tastes good. It's a fine little, it's a fine little side.
I like that concept,
but I guarantee if that's at a party,
no one's going to do it.
No one's going to touch it.
How about this?
If I invite you and a bunch of people over and I have that out,
would you take part with me?
I will.
You know,
I will.
Yeah.
I think like the general consensus of the party,
they're like,
is that wine?
What if I did just make it like a Christian or a Catholic themed party?
You know what I mean? Then I think it could pass and people would take it they'd be like oh just like communion Rob Dyrdek showed up for some
reason Tucker doesn't know who Rob Dyrdek is what yeah I brought like two nights ago we were going
to the liquor store and I and I was like I made some joke about Rob Dyrdek and he's like I don't
know what reference you're making I was like I don't know Rob Dyrdek. And he's like, I don't know what reference you're making. I was like, Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory, dude.
And he was like, who's Rob Dyrdek?
And I was like.
From Robin Big?
What?
You don't know who Rob Dyrdek is?
He had mini horse, dude.
Mini horse?
I don't, like, how does.
Big fat bulldog?
Oh, yeah.
That dog was unhealthy.
Big black Sanchez?
That's not his name.
Big black Sanchez?
Hey, man, I'm big black Sanchez.
His name was just Big Black. Or Big. Big Black Sanchez? Hey, man, I'm Big Black Sanchez. His name was just Big Black.
Or Big.
Big Black Christopher.
Was it Big Black Christopher?
I think his name was Christopher.
Christopher Big Black?
Yeah, we call him Big Black.
We just call him Big.
Because he's fat.
Big Black just sounds like a fucking Mark Twain name that we shouldn't be using.
You know?
What?
Just sounds like a Mark Twain euphemism.
Yeah.
Like that's what Mark Twain would have called a character
because he's racist.
It was Jim's best friend.
Can you believe that that's just a character's name?
What?
Yes.
I get it from the time period.
I can believe it was a character's name.
It's just like, it's just funny that it's like, oh God.
Didn't we talk about him getting his own movie in a podcast
they just called it what is yes the character's name i would love them to replace the word by
just saying n word so his name in like future books is just n word so it's just like what
what are they doing do they make like modern do they make like a revised version of that book where his name is literally not inward jim where it's just jim just jim and
they ignore all the slavery aspect it's like racism doesn't exist it's just our friend jim
yeah just our friend jim friend jim they called him friend jim oh man that'd be an oversimplification
of what was going on in that time i think think. Like character's name, though. Just like in, it was in a Netflix Mr. Show episode or something like that.
Or they did a show that wasn't Mr. Show.
Louis C.K. did a bit about it.
Where it was like, they were talking about slaves and then David Cross was like, no, no, no, no.
That's offensive.
We'd prefer if you just called them helpers or something like that.
Louis C.K. did a whole bit about Jim.
Yeah.
But Louis C.K., he...
Masturbated vigorously over the phone while talking to another female comedian.
Did he masturbate into a potted plant?
No, that was Harvey Weinstein.
I'm getting my masturbators confused, man.
The great hall of masturbators.
You got Louis C.K.
You got Harvey.
You got the Kony 2012 guy that went and masturbated in the streets of San Francisco.
Is he dead?
Kony?
Yeah.
Is Kony still doing shit?
I don't know.
That was 2012.
It's 2018.
What is Kony up to?
I'm going to type it in.
Watch this.
Watch this.
Is Joseph Kony still alive?
Are you going to ask?
What is Kony up to?
Started a Let's Play channel, I heard.
Joseph Ray O'Kony, pronounced whatever, born 19, is the leader of Lord's Resistance Army,
a guerrilla group that formerly operated in Uganda.
Kony was indicted in 2005 of war crimes and crimes against humanity by the International Criminal Court.
That was before the Kony 2012 shit.
So he was still doing it.
Is he still bumping? People just forgot about the Kony 2012 shit. So he's still, he was still doing it. Is he still bumping?
He's still, people just forgot about Joseph Kony.
You know?
What?
What?
Elon Musk gave Kanye West and Kim Kardashian a custom silver Tesla.
Oh, and then Elon Musk tweeted at them and said it was false.
Oh, I thought you were going to say Elon Musk gave Joseph Kony a custom Tesla.
them and said it was false oh i thought you're gonna say elon musk gave joseph coney a custom tesla elon musk if you're so rich then why don't you supply my buddy matt and i with with a tesla
huh or two it can be pink it can it can have a picture of a penis on it and yeah elon you're so
you're so rich huh why don't you give us a uh teslas it could it could have the picture it
could have a picture of
I don't know just fucking I just want a Tesla
just give me a Tesla Elon
I wish I was rich so I could
Elon Musk I will
I'll smell your musk Elon
we will personally send you
personalized nudes
holy yeah Elon Musk I will send you a
dick pic everyday we will each send
you 5 nudes.
So that's a total of ten nudes in one envelope if you give each of us a Tesla.
And you can spread them around if you want.
You can upload them to Twitter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could share my penis on your website.
Do whatever you want.
Or keep it for yourself for your grimes.
Or like put them, like make a bunch of money off them.
You know?
He doesn't want, he won't want grimes to see our penises because he knows that
she might like what she sees.
That's all I'm saying.
I bet Elon Musk has like a beautiful dick.
Well, we know Grimes is a big
fan of Super Mega.
So Grimes, I know you're listening right now.
If you can fucking pass this message on to your boy Elon.
Yeah. And if you think that we're
using you just to get a Tesla, you're wrong.
Name your favorite Grimes song.
I like all of them equally.
Same. Yeah, same.
Guys,
for this week's ad
read, there's nothing.
Ha ha ha!
I think we're going to wrap the podcast up here.
Check out our social medias. Links in
the description.
Patreon coming very, very soon.
Check out our Twitch channels.
What's yours, Matt?
My Twitch channel?
Yeah, twitch.tv slash what?
Ninja.
I'm Ninja.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I look kind of like him, you know, if I had that goofy hair.
I'm not calling his hair goofy.
I'm saying, like, if I had the colorful, like, do that he has that, like, goes over to the.
Do you want to say something about rice gum or something?
See if he,
see if he catches it and rice gum,
maybe roast us and be like,
wow,
it's two years too late.
Yeah.
Rice gum.
Please roast us in a video,
dude.
Come on,
man.
I just like,
we could use the, the view boost from your 12 year old fan base.
Don't be mean to him.
Now he's going to actually roast you.
Don't roast me.
Rice,
rice,
rice. I met you. If you recall, we shook hands. Yeah. He goofed you and't roast me rice Rice rice I met you if you recall we shook hands
Yeah, he goofed you and made fun of you to your face, and you didn't even know it I was
Didn't even know it you're making fun of him you're like big fan
I shook his hand and like and then like I was like dude look huge fan of your work
He's like oh, thanks, man
So to DAP him or something like that yeah
No
then that like 10 year old vine kid mark Jacobs or whatever his name is, came up and,
like, started dapping him.
And then, like, RiceGum just totally just, like, ignored that I existed.
And then I walked off.
And then we were leaving.
And I was like, see you later, Rice.
And he was sitting by himself on a couch.
At VidCon.
Yeah.
Like, every time I saw him at VidCon, like, this is not, like, a collet or anything, but
every time I saw him, he was by himself.
Well, now he has a bunch of friends and a bunch of bitches, right?
Does he have a lot of bitches?
He's got a lot of bitches.
Damn, RiceGum got them.
Well, he has a lot of money.
What are you trying to say?
You're trying to say...
You're saying that money can buy fake friends?
Yeah, true.
It can.
It can.
Money and fame on the internet.
Very easy to...
All those young people that hang out with like all these rich like YouTubers and stuff, they're real friends, right?
Yeah, they care about them on a personal level and not because of their internet clout.
They have money and they have a nice house and – oh, who got – oh, it was one of – before we end the podcast, I read this somewhere.
Who's the short funny man?
There's a lot of them, peter dinklage he's
black chris hart kevin kevin hart kevin hart apparently it was one of his longtime friends
of 15 years that was like um threatening to release the sex tape of like him and his mistress
really he found out recently and it's like fuck why was it his money. Really? And he found out recently. Why? And it's like, fuck. Why was it his friend? Money.
For money?
For money.
Wow, that's a shitty friend.
He was extorting him.
I might extort you one day.
What do you have on me?
You have a lot of dick pics, you know, so.
Ryan, we have a lot of shit on each other. So can we just make like right now, like just a mutual agreement, no matter what happens
in the future, we never extort each other.
Well, I'm not into that YouTube drama bullshit.
I'm not talking about YouTube drama. I'm just talking
about send a
video of my butthole to my mom
or something. That'd be devastating. I mean, if you
fucked with me in a
very mean way,
I might have to consider sending a picture
of your butthole to your mother. Well, I'll
have to send a picture of your balls to your
mom. She'll be like, wow, they've
grown.
Ryan, these balls are so nice.
Where'd you get them?
Can I upload them to Instagram?
Ryan, can I upload this?
No, mom, you can't upload my balls to Instagram.
She's going to do it anyway and be like.
She's going to do it anyway and do it on both of her accounts.
She's going to be like, miss this boy and his balls.
Anyways, bye. way and do it on both of her accounts or probably she's gonna be like miss this boy and his balls anyways bye