Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - Second Helpings - Michael McIntyre

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

We’re 4 weeks into our Second Helpings season and this week we’re looking back at our evening with the wonderful Mr Michael McIntyre - we knew we’d love him but now we are absolutely HOOKED! Michael finally broke my fear of watching comedy with this front row seat to his hilarity and three hours of laughing 'til we cried! From the moment Michael walked in (thermometer in hand) we did not stop laughing. Michael taught us about olive oil on Pistachio ice cream, his fridge habits, restaurant etiquette, and egg-offs with his wife & mum! Michael we love you - please come back for Chocolate mousse soon and maybe some rosé? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Table Manners Second Helpings and we had such a hoot with Alan Carr last episode we thought we'd give you another stonker of a comedian. This time it was around Covid and we had the brilliant Michael McIntyre. I think it was the first podcast he'd ever been on. It was back in September 2020. It was back in September 2020. It was when we were only allowed to gather in groups of six. Do you remember that time? Lenny, you made spiced chicken from a Sabrina Gaynor book, simply. Rice with green lentils and raisins. Yum. Oh, I must do that again. Yeah. And a tart to tan. Lovely. Did we go Alamo? Probably. Probably.

And he arrived with a thermometer gun to check we were all COVID free, which made us immediately giggle. He was very funny. So funny. So here is Michael McIntyre on Table Manners, Second Help Me. Michael McIntyre has come through the door with his thermometer. What are you, Jess? What am I?

You've maintained 36.3. Oh, thank God. Am I so cool? Unbelievable. Lenny is probably... It's like unbelievable. Oh! You've shot up.

Oh, it's you! A whole degree. Oh, my God! Since I've arrived. You are very attractive, Michael. Oh, my God, by the time I leave, we might have to quarantine. I'll keep an eye on that, Lenny.

You're at 36.3 and you were 35.5 when I arrived. Mum! He's hot stuff. I'm not hot stuff, I'm 36.6. I'm hot stuff. You're hot stuff. Well, hot stuff. I'm not hot stuff. I'm 36.6. Oh, I'm hot stuff. You're hot stuff. Well, Michael McIntyre, you're here.

You're fucking hilarious. And you're about to say why you love a Jew. Why I love a Jew? Yeah. Well, I live in North London, which is in a very Jewish area. Yeah. In Hampstead. Yeah.

And I'm moving. I've bought a house in an even more Jewish area. You're going gold as green? You're going to the suburb? I'm going to the suburb. Muzzle top! Muzzle top! I've made it! Michael, you've got kosher kingdom near.

You've got greenspans. Your chopped liver and your salt brief. I've got a new community. You've got a whole community. I've got a mezuzah. You've got mezuzahs on the door. I didn't know what a mezuzah was until I bought my house from a Jewish man. And I thought it was... Because for listeners unfamiliar with a mezuzah,

would you explain what a mezuzah is? It's got a parchment. It's got the scroll inside with a little blessing. It's like to protect the house. It's luck. It's put on a wonk, which always makes you think, did they mean to do it like that? No, it's got to go in a little blessing. It's like to protect the house. It's luck. It's put on a wonk, which always makes you think, did they mean to do it like that? No, it's got to go in a certain direction.

And if you do it in the wrong direction, it's wrong. It's a direction thing. It looks like it's been put on wrong. Yeah, no, it's got to go like that. Right, so I thought it was just a feature on the door. I had no idea that it was a mezuzah. And the man who sold me the house showed up at the door a week later,

and he said, I've come to get my mezuzah. But of course, I thought he was either drunk or having a stroke. Because I thought he was trying to say a recognised word that obviously began with N. But his face was just falling apart. And I was like, what is it, Eric? And he said, I need to collect my mezuzah. And I was like, oh, my God, something terrible is happening to this man. And then he started pulling at this thing on the door.

And I thought he'd gone mad. He took them away. Well, I didn't know what he was saying. That's not very generous. I've never heard of a mezuzah. But anyway, incredibly excited to move in in my new community. And this is good. Fantastic.

It's Jewish New Year next week. Yeah, get it right. You've got to WhatsApp me all the information so that I can keep up. You know what, actually, Michael, so I'm actually, I'm a bad jew but i'm i'm having a better i'm becoming a better one i'm having a bat mitzvah because i have a family of my own and my husband is a goy he he doesn't you know he's we had a jewish wedding but i've decided

to have a bat mitzvah to basically pass down all these things to my children for your daughter for my well for my daughter and my son And to be able to do Hanukkah, God forbid, when mum pops it. Well, I did a pass over. For God's sake, my temperature's only gone up a degree. God forbid when mum goes. Let's see the latest. Just see if I'm going. No, you're still fine.

You've slipped up a little bit. We'll keep an eye. We'll get you a mezuzah, but I feel like that's going to be like, I don't know, would you give a mezuzah to a neighbour? Is it like bringing in a baked bread? No, darling. But it's lucky, and I think it's bad form that he took them. Can I sneak a

CCTV camera in it? Can it be dual purpose? That could be dual purpose. I mean, look, there's protecting a home, and there's protecting a home. I mean, I feel like maybe if there's some kind of that alarm thing, you can get an app. Maybe we should go into business

and develop mezuzahs that are also sort of cameras. Yeah, that's good. You know, you can talk to the people. Maybe also with a thermometer for the COVID as well. Please, this will be over soon. This will be...

All built into the mezuzah. Yeah, all in the mezuzah. This is amazing. This is going to be a mystical, magical... We'll go door to door. Dragonstone. Sorry, I haven't got an idea. In the suburb, me and Lenny will hook up. We'll go door to door. Dragon's Den. Sorry, I haven't got an idea. Me and Lenny will hook up.

We'll go door to door in the suburb. Selling... We're selling mezuzah. Try purpose. Try purpose mezuzahs. They're good for temperature. They're good for CCTV. What's not to like?

Another one of my favourite Jewish stories. There's a gentleman, and he'll like that I'm telling this story because he knows that I started to do it on stage a bit. And I think, oh goodness, Anthony. I nearly forgot his name. Anthony. And he is local. And he, like me, I mean, I don't want to make stereotypical

assumptions of Jewish people, but there is a certain neurosis that certainly Jackie Mason would have played upon. Says the guy who brings in the thermometer. And that's what I'm saying. I share certain neurosis that certainly Jackie Mason would have played. Says the guy who brings in the thermometer. And that's what I'm saying. I share the neurosis. So myself and Anthony would go and watch our sons play football on the weekend in the park, an organised football thing. And all the other parents would leave.

But me and Anthony would stay and would have camping chairs because we were so worried what would happen to our, you know, what would you, our bubblers. What would happen to our, you can't leave. We would just sit and discuss, who could leave their children here? It's crazy. Are you a competitive football dad? No, not competitive. Just worried. No, I discourage any kind of, you know, aggression on the pitch in case he would get injured.

I was worried about him. I was worried about him. And he was worried about his son. So my son gets kicked in a game, and I lose it, and I run on. And what I shouldn't have done, because he's getting a bit older, and I'm over him, and I'm going,

you poor dad, daddy's here, daddy's here. And he's looking at me like he hates me. All his friends are going, oh my God, your dad's so embarrassing. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm going to kiss it better, and all this kind of stuff. And then he said to me afterwards, don't you ever do that byddaf yn cysu'n well ac ati. Ac wedyn, fe wnaethon nhw i mi ar ôl, nad ydych chi'n gwneud hynny eto, nid ydych chi'n dod i'r gêm.

Rydych chi'n ddiddorol iawn. Rydych chi'n Dad ddiddorol iawn yn y byd. Roedd yn anodd. Yn unrhyw fath, mae'n digwydd bod Anthony yn fwy ddiddorol iawn na fi. Roedd yr un peth wedi digwydd i'w blant, Daniel. Mae'n cael ei chyffwrdd. Mae Anthony yn ymgymryd â'i llawr. Yn ymlaen, mae ganddo'r holl gwasanaethau meddygol. O, sut ffynol! gets kicked. Anthony unzips his coat. Inside it, he's got all these medical supplies.

Oh, how funny. And he's also got a spray. You know this? I don't know if you've seen it in football. Oh, when the proper footballers, they spray it to take the pain away. Yes, they freeze the injury. So he starts running on the pitch,

spraying, but he's so keen to spray his child that he starts spraying it while he's running. So he's running and spraying, shouting, Daniel! Daniel! And it's spraying all the time. Mae'n cymryd ychydig o ddwyed i'w ddysgu'n ei hun, ac mae'n dechrau ei ddysgu yn ei rhedeg. Felly mae'n rhedeg ac yn ddysgu, yn sgwneu, Daniel! Daniel! Ac mae'n ddysgu'n ei hun. Ac wrth gyrru'i ddysgu, gallwch chi gweld ei fôs yn newid. Ac mae'n mynd, Daniel! Daniel!

Oherwydd mae'n ysgrifennu, mae'n cael ei... Mae'n cael ei ffos yn ei ffos. Mae'n cael ei ffos ei hun. Felly mae'n dod o hyd yn y cyfnod o'r pwys, gyda ffos cael ei ffos yn ymwneud â... Daniel! Daniel! Ac mae'n dechrau swnio ychydig fel anil. So he ends up in the middle of the pitch with a frozen face, basically going, It started to sound a bit like anal. So he's standing in the middle of the pitch shouting, And I pointed out, you know, in hindsight,

that maybe he was a slightly more embarrassing father than I am. Anthony, yeah, shouting anal in the middle of a pitch. Is Anthony allowed to go to the games? Does Daniel mind? I know, I don't think they mind. No, because they're all, you know, they're very protective. He's been brought up in the Jewish family. Yeah. Michael. Hello. When did you know you were funny?

That's a very odd question. Did you used to make your family laugh when you were little? I liked being funny in class, in the classroom, because that's kind of like an audience. Were you charming with it, I can imagine? I don't think so. I wasn't that popular.

I don't even think I was that funny in the classroom, but I liked the concept of it. Whenever I said anything and everybody laughed, I liked that. Felt good. And I've always been quite in my own head I think funny you're thinking a lot and then I just really like um meeting people and and making them laugh and I don't know when you're being creative you're very creative people but it's a there's nothing more exciting when you find a little seam of something when you're trying. Well, I've started writing again another book.

And I don't know how you experienced lockdown, but my brain was melted. I mean, I had nothing. Didn't function. I didn't find anything funny because it wasn't funny. I was really scared. I was confused. My wife and I were losing our minds. I mean, she walked in one day and she said, I think I've lost it now.

And I was like, what have you done? And she said, I opened the dishwasher. You know when you open the dishwasher in its mid yeah middle and you interrupt yeah she said I opened it and I apologized I'm sorry I'm terribly sorry and then put it back up so I'm losing my mind and so little things like that like I was forgetting words and I spent a lot of time going what's that word it begins with a C it's And then put it back up. So I'm losing my mind. Poor thing. So little things like that. Like I was forgetting words. And I spent a lot of time going, what's that word that begins with a C? It begins with a G. It's really obvious.

What is it? You know, just losing my mind. I mean, I went to take the dog for a walk. And I took, because there's so much to remember. I got the, you know, if you have dog lead, you need the lead and the treats and the poo bags. I forgot the dog. I was halfway around there was no dog I could believe that no this is true this I was losing my mind but then I sort of

re-engaged and um started writing and which was really really hard but then it sort of gets the juices flowing and then suddenly everything else you start thinking a bit more naturally a bit more flow to it so what's your new book about well I wrote an autobiography and it sort of stopped in 2006. You're carrying on. So I'm just carrying on. Yeah, which I thought would be quite hard, but actually I love writing about the details of life and everyday stuff and remembering.

It's really nice to remember stuff and take a moment to reflect and remember, you know, when the kids were little and when my wife was pregnant and where we were living. How many children have you got? We have two boys. Two boys. You don't have any more?

No. No. No, that's... I don't think that's possible. You're quite young. Is that possible? I don't know. Why?

I don't know. Do you want to tell us? I think now with the age gap and the age of everything, yeah. No, I think that we definitely just have two boys. We've done that. That's why we went into dogs. That's why we went into dogs. That's why we moved into dogs. Yeah, I just got two kittens this week.

And I think it was a bit of a hold off to maybe have it instead of having the third child. We got two kittens. Yeah. So you've got two? I've got two kids and two kittens now.

Right. So... More kids? Do you want lots of kids? Do you want more kids? I don't mind if you have more children. There's no pressure there. What are you? Are you one of...

Oh, I've got a strange set up. I've got a sister and we both have the same parents, but then I've got all sorts of half-brothers and sisters. So a big family? Well, not really, because they're half-brothers and sisters all over the place we want

to know who you're going to choose for your your two more people at christmas oh because of the six struggling to make it to six to be honest that was one of the benefits of all this oh yeah you'll just be able to really really just like hanging out together so So, yeah. No, I don't think there's going to be any kind of big lottery over who gets to come round. It tends to be my mother-in-law. So it tends to be five. It's always five.

It's five. Yeah. Yeah. So we have a spare, if anyone wants to say. If it's groups of six. I get pushed out. Yeah, if you're pushed out, you're very welcome. Well, I want to know what you think about this

because I have no kitchen at the moment. We moved into a house. We've got like a makeshift kitchen. It's not big enough for a turkey. But Tiffy, we can do it here and you can cook. No, I know, but there's, you know, in-laws and as much, they love you. But, you know, there's all of that.

So my husband suggested having dinner, Christmas dinner in a pub. Have you ever done it done it no and how do you feel about that i think we did go to for a pub lunch once in the countryside was it good in the summer set did it work no it's a bit weird because you spent a lot of time looking there's a thing that happens on christmas day itself where there's such a magic to the day because there's such a build-up it's christ Christmas, it's Christmas. And then finally when it comes, everything looks a bit different. If you see someone drive past on your road, you're like, oh my God, look at them.

Yeah, there's some... On Christmas Day. Yeah, on Christmas Day. Where are you right? On Christmas Day in the morning. Exactly. If you see three ships go sailing by, you're like, oh my God,

there's three ships going sailing by. On Christmas Day in the morning. Wow. Even an aeroplane in the sky, you're like, oh my God, where are they going? St. Lucia? On Christmas Christmas Day in the morning. Wow. Even an aeroplane in the sky. You're like, oh my God, where are they going?

St. Lucia? On Christmas Day? In the morning. But then when you're in a pub, you're so fascinated by everybody else sitting there.

You're like, oh my God, look at them having their time. So isn't that really fun? Yes. Well, it's a bit odd

because we're watching too much overlapping of how they do it. And then it gets a bit competitive. I do get a bit competitive with wanting our tables to be having a bit more fun. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn.

Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. Mae'n ddiffyg iawn. breakfast and they were having a lot of fun. Good big family. I mean, they were proper big family laughter. We were always arguing on our side of the hall.

And it was bad enough we were arguing after five months of lockdown. But it just rubbed it in that the neighbours were having such an amazing time. Were they English? They were English. They seemed quite local. They were using sort of local references. I think they were from the suburb. The suburb.

They sounded a bit like Huts of Garden Suburb. There's never been a TV show called The Suburb. The Suburb. They sounded a bit like Huts of the Garden Suburb. There's never been a TV show called The Suburb, has there? I think you should write a whole sitcom about The Suburb. I don't know how The Suburb would feel about that. And Mazuza. Do you know what? I'd have to write for... I'd have to apply for planning permission to write that.

The Jewish Chronicle, you'd have to consult them, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I want to get on with everybody. You're going to have to get a subscription to the Jewish Chronicle then. Oh have to consult them, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I want to get on with everybody. You're going to have to get a subscription to the Jewish Chronicle then. Oh, yes, without a doubt. No, I've sorted all of this out. How exciting! I'm very excited, but, you know, it's a building site.

Have you moved in yet? No, it's going to be months. It's a building site. I took the, on reflection, an extraordinary decision to buy a house one month before a global pandemic. Of course, nobody knew there was going to be a global pandemic, but I've been umming and ahhing over buying, over moving for so many years. We've been looking at places and I suddenly, you know, there's a big sort of,

I'm going to just do it. I'm going to take the plunge. Let's just buy it. Let's do it. Let's do it. And we'll do it up and we'll rip it up and we'll build our own home. And then, of course, this nightmare has happened. But you know, today I thought there's a global pandemic and we only rip it up and we'll build our own home. And then, of course, this nightmare has happened. But do you know, today, I thought there's a global pandemic and we only are six people. It's kind of, you still kind of think, gosh, this is really shocking, what's happening.

It is shocking. It is shocking. And it's going to be a blur, you know, when it's over. And it will be over. When will it be over? I don't know. God, I wish I knew. I have to say, though, you...

Is it in the diary? I don't even feel it's going to be over. You did your Netflix special at the beginning of March, just before lockdown here. March the 6th. It was unbelievable. God. So this was a tour I'd been doing on and off for, like, two years

around the world. The Big World Tour, it was called. And we didn't... I normally film it when I'm at the O2, and that was, like, in, I don't know, a year and a half ago. When you're usually at the O2, you're so huge, Michael. No, don't be silly. No, it's like...

You are massive. It's just ridiculous, isn't it? You're huge, Michael. Leave all that in. So I normally record it there, but then because, you know know it's different with Netflix you have to sort all these things out you know it's a new world

so yeah I just I was in New York at the beginning of the year I did the Radio City Music Hall which was just so exciting to be able to do something like that what's the name of the girls that performed the

oh yes the Rockettes yeah they weren't on that night oh yeah no I went to see them. I didn't perform. You've got the wrong end of the stick. No, I didn't.

I thought they were on before every performance. Oh, no, they weren't. Oh, no. I don't think so. So, you know, I just remember it like another world. That was in February. And then I came home, did a few warm-up gigs. And then at the Palladium, I recorded the Netflix special on March the 6th.

And it was just starting around then and I did a joke about it I introduced myself off stage because it was all the hand washing was starting and I said ladies and gentlemen please put your hands together and wash them for 30 seconds as we welcome Michael Magda and you know because you're just starting and then I referenced it a little I actually came on and said this could be the last time we ever get together in a crowd. Fucking prophesise this shit. I know. It's your fault.

I said it as a joke. Your fault. My fault? Your fault. I should never have said that. You should never have said that. Does it stay in the Netflix special? No, I took all that out because, you know, I just...

Who knows what's going to happen? There is some more jokes in the Netflix special, which I'm hoping is still funny but it's worried me slightly I have jokes about face masks but this was at a time when obviously no one in the world except people in Asia were wearing face masks and it's a very silly story

about me going for a massage in Hong Kong and having to wear a face mask well no and you know when when they give you those massage underwear, mistaking the massage underwear for a face mask and putting the underwear on my face and going in, which was a very big joke for me. But now it's like people are watching that joke thinking,

well, of course, of course you would have a face mask. Of course you would. So it's like extracted all the humour out of it. So apart from that very small bit, I'd like to hopefully recommend the rest of the Netflix special, which should be still funny. What's the difference? I mean, I've seen you talk about American audiences,

but are you like, you're quite popular in America. No. No? No, no, just started to try to be. And how's that going? Well, I mean, I just did Radio City. It was the first sort of thing. It was the second gig I did in America.

But these are just, you know, a small number of people who know who I am. I've not, I've done nothing in America yet. And I suppose I would like to a little bit. I did the Montreal Comedy Festival last year and I was flying to LA afterwards. And you go through customs there at the American side in Canada

and I had one of those visas, the O1 visa or something but I was travelling on a tourist visa so they're very serious, very scary with the guns and everything. And he was like why do you have the you got an O1 visa? I was like yes. You know how you always get so nervous at customs

because you're like they could probably They're terrifying. Yeah and you you over-laugh at everything. And British people lose their minds. Oh, yes! No, we're fine. And they talk too much. And they're really... And they're so slow as well.

They slowly go through the passport. And they're not terribly bright, I don't think. And they're not. And they're mean. And they're mean and not bright. Yeah, and they do that thing with the kids where they go, which ones? And they say their name and then the kids sort of aren't looking.

Just look at the man. Look at the man. Look at the man! And you try and make a joke and man look at the man you try and make a joke no laughter so this guy's goes why are you traveling on an r1 visa when you uh you got an r1 passport but you you're traveling on a tourist visa and i said yes yes um i have a working well i can work in america but but no i'm just i'm going on holiday um anyway what do you do sir i said i'm a comedian he went he said he said uh would i have heard of you which is a really odd thing to say would i have heard of you i have the same when i say let me answer that question for you obviously you haven't i'm at

passport control you're holding my passport you've got no idea who i am so I'm not I'm feeling at this point maybe you don't know who I am anyway then I said I'm trying to break America now the problem with the phrase I'm trying to break America is it means nothing to Americans it's only British people who try to break America people who live in America don't break America he heard the words I want to break America he just literally went you want to break America sir? and I was like yes I'm hoping to not this time but I'm going to come back and yeah I'll be breaking America

and I was I'm going to you know I'm going to smash it and I was getting because all these quite hostile terms you know and he just

you know he thought I was a terrorist basically I think so it's mad I was forced to go on a little diet after one of the... You know the machines where you put your passport in when it's not a person,

but you put your passport in and it opens? You know the machine where... Yeah, yeah, yeah. The e-passports? Yes. One of those machines was quite rude to me. You're kidding. Yeah.

What do you mean? Well, I go in the thing, right? And I stand. You know, you stand and you look in the thing, right? And I stand. You know, you stand and you look in the thing. You've got to, you know. It's only your face. I had my glasses on, which was very, very boring, time consuming. Because the thing comes off on the screen and it goes, take your glasses off.

So you take your glasses off. I've got no idea what the next thing's saying. So that took a while. You know, you put the thing in the thing and it kept not letting me in. And then it came up. And you know what it said? in the thing and it kept not letting me in and then it came up and you know what it said? what? only one person

that's so cruel what do you mean so cruel? it was clearly a technological mistake no they thought it was two people because you took your glasses off and then put them back on no because I was too wide no you were not too wide

no they were definitely measuring the distance and they thought there were two people. There were not. Which brings me on to, shall we have some dinner? Yeah. Oh, no. Sometimes. Okay, I'll sit still.

But we actually haven't asked you anything about food. I told you you were going to be asked about food and, you know, food memory. I'm really happy to be here. Good. You're such nice people. You're having a spatchcock chicken. It looks fantastic. It does look good.

Oh, we have to say that the butcher, we go to Ginger Pig, and the butcher said to Mum, who have you got on? Because they give us... Oh, it's so fun. I said, oh, Michael McIntyre. And he said, tell him Steve sends his love.

And I said, do you know him? He said, no. no well that's really appreciative just you're a man of the people aren't you you're just kind of do you feel like just does everyone feel like they can come up to you because you're so kind of likable and you know you talk about life people do that I like it when people just think they know me I get a little bit bruised egotistically when they don't especially especially when they're coming to the door and i have to sign for something and i i tend to open it in a quite dramatic we weren't expecting this were you he's like sign here please um you know

that takes a little bit of coming back from but no i love meeting with people and i just i love that i love it when um when people think they know me because they do know me because all my comedy is just very much a reflection of what's going on in my life and my kids and whatever's happening. And my dog. Do your kids ever have an opinion on saying, Dad, you can't put that in? Like, it's not fair.

No, they don't really care about what I do, actually. I've been desperately trying to make them think I'm remotely cool for years and I can't do that. I can't do it. I'm always playing catch up actually. We sat down years ago to watch TV on a Saturday night and I realised it was... This is slightly overdone.

Oh, well... That's my fault. No, well, it's... No, it's upside down like... It's called a taglet. It's called a rice cake. But I've slightly burnt it. Oh. Sorry. No, it's upside down. It's called a taglet. It's called a rice cake, but I've slightly burnt it. Oh. Sorry. No, you've burnt it.

I left it on too long because I've lost my confidence cooking. Oh, forget it, Mum. You were laughing too much. Why would you lose your confidence? That is a remarkable looking thing. It is, yeah. And also, you just don't have the crispy bit, which is the best bit about it, but it's fine.

You just won't have that bit. It's fine. So you've been trying to be cool to your children. Oh, yes. Trying to be cool. Yeah, we were watching Saturday Night Telly and there seemed to be nothing we were all getting into. We started to watch as a family. You get into that section of life where they're not going out, they're not in their room, that we were all together.

But that's why I'm doing the bat mitzvah, so that my kids have to stay in on a Friday night. Right. I'm like, Friday night dinner, kids. You're not allowed out. We've got to, you know, rest. That's important. That's a great tradition.

Do you like that? And Friday night is always the best party. It's sacred. I love that. So carry on. So that's why I started doing my Saturday night show, the big show. I thought, well, I'm going to do that.

I'll, you know, they'll be proud of me. It's a family. I'm a family guy now. But then, of course, the big show. I thought, well, I'm going to do that. They'll be proud of me. It's a family. I'm a family guy now. But then, of course, by the time it's made, they've gone past that and they don't want to watch TV on a Saturday. Now they're always watching YouTube. So now I'm thinking I've got to get on to YouTube and Netflix. I mean, listen, why do you think I'm on Netflix? So that I can try

and impress my children, who still don't care. I'm like, Dad's on Netflix. Dad's on Netflix. Are you ready for a glass of wine? Are you still kind of? Well, it'll change me. Into what? I'll get very emotional.

Geoffrey, do you want some chicken? I'll get very emotional and quite quiet. Let's not have a drink. We'll have one at the end. I'm having a bite, is that okay? Yeah, do you want some? There's some green things there if you want. That's very yummy. What's it like? I green things there if you want. That's very yummy.

What's it like? I need to get you some juice. It's really yummy. Do you cook at home? Or is it your wife? No I don't cook. I've not cooked yet. Can you cook? No. I'm really bad at cooking. So you didn't have a sourdough starter during lockdown?

Oh and I did a bit of... I did all this... Look, everybody tried this stuff during lockdown. Oh, and I did a bit of, you know, I did all this, everybody tried this stuff in lockdown. I tried to make, I made a cake. I did pizzas. I did make a cock-o- Fam. Fam. Risely. Risely. That's what I'm gonna do this week. We were just talking about that before.

It's just so yummy, that sauce. Is it just creamy, whiny sauce? Yeah, and onions. It's creamy and whiny and oniony. I was pretty proud of that, to be fair. So I got into it in lockdown. Yeah, I did all this stuff. We cut each other's hair and all that rubbish.

So, okay, you've tried a cocker riesling. Growing up, who was cooking in your house? Well, the staff. I'm joking. Yeah, my mum. My mum was a great cook. I mean, she was one of those... I mean, my mother, the staff. I'm joking. Yeah, my mum. My mum was a great cook. I mean, she was one of those... I mean, my mother, not Jewish,

wants to be Jewish so much. Calls herself a Jewish mother, but isn't one. Her father was Jewish. Jewish Hungarian. We knew. Yeah, he was a Hungarian Jew. And I went to Hungary to meet, years ago, to meet some of my family out there.

And I was shocked to find out they were all Jewish. I mean, like, really Jewish Jewish. Big bearded Jew. Oh, like, the Moffat Jewish. I've never got on with people better. You know why? Why? Didn't speak a word of English.

It turns out, if you are related to someone and they have a natural love for you yeah but you can't communicate what happens all you have is love then it's just love it's just love the problem is when you speak the same language that's when the shit starts there's no conflict with someone going you want what you want you oh yes i love it bye so that went really well but yes they were all just so she did a lot of that um all the cooking and you know i had my favorites unfortunately i don't want to be rude but there was i have a bad memory of this chicken pie and there was a chicken pie made at school and i i loved it i don't know why i loved it, but I loved it at school.

And my mum was trying really hard to make me my chicken pie because I really liked it. Did you go to boarding school? No, I went to day school. In London? In London. I would have occasionally chicken pie and I said, Mum, I really like the chicken pie.

And it had flaky pastry. And I remember clearly... They made chicken pie for lunch? Yes, it was good with flaky pastry. But she made that... What's the other pastry? The thick... Shortcrust.

It was like a really thick... What, like a quiche? Yeah. Okay. Like that hard, thick, shortcrusty... And you wanted puff. It was just horrible. And she made it...

And she always would make it as a treat because she thought it was my favourite, but actually it was my least and she made it and she always would make it as a treat because she thought it was my favourite but actually it was my least favourite oh couldn't you have just said that mum surprise oh darling

I've made your chicken pie and I'd be like oh god not that chicken pie I'd kill for the one at school but other than that she was an amazing cook

although we did have an egg off once when I when my wife was my girlfriend and we went to visit my mum and my sister was there and i organized a little egg making sort of master chef competition that my wife still brings up and this must have been 20 years ago because she was

victorious everybody had to prepare scrambled eggs blind tasted by the rest of the family and your wife won she won it Why did you do this? Are you a big connoisseur of scrambled eggs? Just trying to inject a bit of fun in the day. Are her scrambled eggs really good? You have to do it slowly. My wife is an incredible cook. I love her style of cooking.

You know, it's amazing how unique cooking is to people. Even though a lot of people just are following recipes, but it's their cooking. It's like, people are so unique. It's happening. What? I think I'm going to go for the rosé. I thought you were going to make a joke.

You looked at the spoon and I thought you were going to make a joke about the spoon. No, I did pick up the spoon, but it turns out that the spoon wasn't that funny. Do you like rosé? Well, I do like rosé. Yeah, me too. I'll tell you what I like about ros funny do you like rose well i do like rose yeah me too i'll tell you what i like about rose i like um well of course i love the color i tend to like the bottle shape me too i like the word one for rose i like the word i like it when it's nice and light like this yeah me too and i like it when it dawns on us when it's sunny outside that we

should not have red or white and we should have rose and it's and it's always suggested in a very excitable rose it's kind of yeah it's had a rebirth don't you think we have rose yeah yeah it's lovely and sunny darling have we got to be rose yeah i know whereas red wine is quite depressing yeah should have red red or. White's a bit more up. Because for me, red, I mean, sometimes I really feel like red. I really feel like red. Because that's just, I feel like red's a bit of, it's like a big hug. I'm not going to move much. I can open the red if you want. What did you bring?

No, I don't want a big hug. What did you bring? I bought, I bought red. I feel like that's what you bring as well. If you don't know somebody, maybe you're safe with a red. Yes, I think you're right. It is a bit safer to bring red. It feels a bit classier.

Thanks. Is it a bit classier? More gravitas. Thanks, yes, it is a bit more gravitas. What, red? Well, I'll be honest, I only really, I don't know much about wine. I just know one red that I know that I like.

What is it? So I bought that one. Oh. It's the only one I know the name of. So I bought it. Chateau Neuf-du-Pape. That's the only one I know the name of. So I bought it. Chateau Nerf to Pap? That's the only one I know. Oh, it's fabulous. So do you have Chateau Nerf to Pap on the old ride or do you not drink before a show?

No, you won't drink. Many years ago before I was successful in any way and I wasn't funny on stage, I suddenly started having Jack Daniels and Diet Coke before a gig. I would have like a swig of it. Basically, I reached a point at the end of the festival,

well, it would have been 17, 18 years ago, and I just was dying on it every night, getting no laughs at all. And I sort of gave up and I thought, and I always had to do the shows because they were every night. And I just had a drink before. I was normally having a drink after.

And I just downed this Jack Daniels and I just felt, I just loosened right up and had a drink before. I was normally having a drink after and I just downed this Jack Daniels and I just felt, I just loosened right up and had a great show. So then I went into a sort of, then I felt like I always had to have one.

That's a danger. If you do something and it has a knock-on effect, you think, well, it must have been that. I'll keep, you know, superstition. Oh, you're quite superstitious.

Well, it turned out that I was with regards to the Jack Daniels. So I had Jack Daniels before a gig for a couple of years before I managed to shake that. Do you still drink Jack Daniels. So I had Jack Daniels before a gig for a couple of years before I managed to shake that. Do you still drink Jack

Daniels? No, not at all. I mean, I've got, I've drank strange drinks. Go on, tell us. Well, I like a drink that every time I mention it, people lose respect for me. I don't know why. Every time I say it, I know you're going to do it. Oh, she's in lemonade. Snowball. No, it's not that bad.

And I don't know why it's bad, but people certainly have sophistication. Now, don't feel like I'm judging you if you don't now disrespect me as if you're not sophisticated. I've got you in a complete web here. No, go on. It's fine.

I do like, at the end of an evening, I will like, I can't say it. A Bailey's? It's not as bad as that. What are you talking about? It might be worse. I love Bailey's. What, Coint? It's not as bad as that. It might be worse. I love Baileys. What, Cointreau?

I like a Limoncello. Do you like it? Some people love it. I think that's quite chic. It's quite sophisticated. I think it's disgusting. It's not. I don't like it.

No, I can't drink it. Look, you see, that's the face I get. No, it tastes like disinfectant. But it's not cool. It's not cool. I think that is quite menagerie. I think it makes you feel like a bit of a kind of mafioso. My friend Johnny pours this on his ice cream.

Have you tried it on your ice cream? Have you had olive oil on a pistachio ice cream? No. Holy shit. It's like a whole new world. Where did you know that? There's finding a vaccine. And just below that is pistachio ice cream. Where did you find that? There's finding a vaccine. And just below that is pistachio ice cream.

Where did you find that? Seriously. How did you know that? How did you come across it? I would love to tell you that I was reaching for my pistachio ice cream and accidentally knocked over the olive oil. Someone did it for you. I was in this Italian hotel. And I said, I'll have a pistachio ice cream.

And she stood there with the olive oil. I thought, this bitch has lost her mind. I was like, what the hell are you doing, babe? Did you grab her wrist? We've moved on from the salad. Hey, sleepy. What first day is it? And she went, excuse me, is it OK would you like to try a little bit of olive oil on the pistachio ice cream?

And I was like, OK, psycho, I think let's just go along with this and, you know, then report you. So she pours the olive oil on the pistachio ice cream and it is mind blowing. Oh, my goodness. This is great. It's mind blowing. is mind-blowing. Oh, my goodness. This is great. I never thought about it. It's mind-blowing. The texture of the oil and the pistachio. It's unbelievable.

I leapt to my feet. And I would have hugged her if it wasn't for social distancing. Were you just in Italy, then? Yes. So this is a new revelation. A terrible thing happened. What? Are you supposed to be quarantined?

The hotel gave us all the symptoms of covid but it was nothing to do but it wasn't the virus it was the hotel so obviously it was very hot so we were very hot the air conditioning gave us terribly sore throats the swimming pool this is true that nothing i'm saying didn't happen The swimming pool had too much chlorine in and my children came out in these terrible rushes and the food was tasteless. And I said to my wife, we have to complain. And she said, darling, if we complain,

we'll be quarantined for two weeks. Because loss of taste. They're all symptoms. You think I'm making this up, but it's true. And I'm not going to name the hotel because it's cruel on them. But the food was bizarrely tasteless. How could tasteless until I just know what this place was until this extraordinary moment was this in the hotel on the pistachio ice cream which was it's one of you know there are those moments that you will always remember and some of them are very harrowing the death of

Diana yeah I know you know you always remember where you were of them are very harrowing, the death of Diana. I know. You always remember where you were. I will never forget. Hard Rock Cafe. John Lennon. I will never forget when that pistachio bathed in local olive oil entered my palate. And? I masticated. Now, I'm going to have a sip of wine.

And then it's all going to go downhill. This could go any way. Would you like some dessert? Yes. Let's see if I've done better than the rice. I still haven't had the sip. I might have it. I'm toying with it.

While mum does the dessert, which is a tart to tan, you're going to get the puff pastry tonight. A tart to tan. Now, can we talk about the words tart to tan and how to say it without... Sound like a dick. Yes. Oh, I think it looks magnificent.

Look at the face! No, you're very judgmental of each other. Bitch! Look, we're published authors now, you know, cookbooks, so I have an issue with when people say ciabatta. Oh. Ciabatta. Ciabatta.

I'm more than happy to discuss this issue that you have. Now, you want them to say ciabatta. I just want them to say ciabatta, because we're from London. So, basically, I... Do ciabatta. I just want them to say ciabatta because we're from London. So basically, do you know what? I completely concur. I don't like it when people try to say things

how they're supposed to be said. How they're supposed to be said. Yeah. We don't have that accent. We're not from there. No. I think it's up to us to interpret any word

how we see fit. So how do you say tzatziki? Do you say tatziki? That does upset me when they don't say it right, though. I. So how do you say tzatziki? Do you say tatziki? That does upset me when they don't say it right, though. I don't think I would say tatziki. No, I'd say tzatziki. Yeah, but then... Wow!

We need to pause here and sit in tzatziki. There's no other word that goes tz, twice as well. You're going tzatziki. Tzatziki. So it's T-S. Tzatziki ts because we're all about the st oh you're right ts we don't have any tears you know what i have to say and you're going to learn this living in the hamster garden suburbs um there is such a thing in the hebrew uh language that says that what's it called zap anyway i'm fucking So, you love words, don't you? There are some words that I will always struggle with.

I always struggle a bit with croissant. Croissant. So what do you say? Because it's... Croissant. I've got to be honest, whenever I get to the point of saying croissant, I freak out a bit.

And I think, God, I don't know if I can do this. I get actually quite nervous. Because for me, it's more of, it's I don't know if I can do this. I get actually quite nervous because it's for me, it's more of it's just a noise. Coton, Coton. Because some people go croissant, don't they? They go croissant. You might not want to. I've also got an issue with February because... February. It's got an R in it. What is this R? Is it supposed to be there? Is it occasional? February.

Is it because people go February and completely ignore occasional? February? Is it... Because people go February and completely ignore the fact that it's February. But then if you go February, you sound like a bit of a weirdo. So I just go Feb and then I just lose my mind. I just go Feb.

Delish Feb. I just back out. I just go Feb. Do you want some tzatziki in February? No, I'll have a... Mum, this is really nice. Really good. And the cream.

It's fantastic. Maybe it's not got any cream. What happened? Have the cream. I'm going to go for the cream. I have to say, if you like a bit of olive oil on your pistachio... It's not pouring cream. I'll be here a while.

Try cream on ice cream. Cream on ice cream? Yeah. It's honestly the best thing in the world. What's going on? No, it's good. Cream. On ice cream. Cream on ice cream? Yeah. It's honestly the best thing in the world. What's going on? No, it's cream. Cream. On ice cream.

On ice cream. Have you tried cream on ice cream with ice? I've just made that one up. Ice on ice cream cream. Have you had ice on cream ice ice? Yes. Now, I see what you're doing. Don't knock it until you try it, Michael. It's very delicious. It's just heaven. It's cream cream. Have you had ice on cream ice ice? Yes. No, I see what you're doing. Don't knock it until you try it, Michael.

It's very delicious. Talk to me about it. It's just heaven. It's heaven. But why would you get involved in enjoying an ice cream and then adding cream as well? Because cream is the best thing in the world. So you put cream on everything? No, I can't because I think I'm slightly lactose intolerant, but I love it so much.

I can't have ice cream in cream after this conversation. Why? Because I've got to be careful. No, you can't. Why? Well, I'm making this tea. You filmed the Netflix. No, I'm making it. I can't have ice cream in cream after this conversation because I've got to be careful. Why? You filmed the Netflix. No, I'm making, I've got this show. Can you say what it is? Yes, it's called The Wheel.

I can't believe when I say that. What is it? It's a wonderfully fun show. It's a game show. It's a quiz show. I don't know what it is. It's my is I've come up with this idea and we were going to make a pilot and I was going to do my big show and do the pilot for this idea

because it was really fun but now because of what's happened I can't do my big show and it turns out that the format of this show that I've come up with is no one needs to be near each other so we did a run what's it on? it's on BBC One and it's coming out in that I've come up with is no one needs to be near each other. So we did a run through.

What's it on? It's on BBC One and it's coming out in November. Fantastic. Have you filmed it? Well, no, we just did a run through yesterday. We were doing run throughs on Zoom, which was really weird. So yesterday was like a huge day because we were going to find out if it actually worked. And it was really fun.

So we're building this big, I mean, I can't really tell you exactly how it works is it like wheel of fortune no it's like it's a wheel i'll show you a picture and then people can't see it but you can see it but basically they're building it it's a wheel where celebrities sit on the end of it and they spin around and they answer questions like it's a knockout it's not it's quite i'm not explaining it very well. Is it a quiz? It's a quiz. Okay. But it's going to be on BBC One.

And you're presenting it? I'm presenting it. It's called The Wheel. And it's going to be great fun. I hope so. It went really well yesterday. So I kind of always have this plan to lose weight. And, you know, one year I did. I actually did it.

How did you do it? Well, interesting story oh god sorry say tucking into the Haagen Dazs it was amazing timing I went to that bloody clinic in Austria I went to the mayor clinic

why did you do that? how was it? because I wanted to lose weight and I thought enough's enough so I went off to the mayor clinic and on your own? well it's really awful

because I took my friend he's um he's called paul tonkinson he's a comedian as well he actually does a very good podcast about when he goes running with his friend called running commentary he's a very sweet man and he's a very good friend to me and one thing he absolutely is and i must be honest about this he is slim and he came with me to keep me company and he lost so much weight he nearly died stop and we also had a horrible moment and he won't want me saying this

but they would give you I don't know if I should say this at this moment while we're eating no go ahead it's a bit grim what they do there it's quite bad colonic irrigation there was some of that what they do there it's not it's quite bad but I'm just going to go for it colonic irrigation

there was there was some of that oh god make you drink cement you drink these Epsom salts oh yeah that make you

vomit well no clears you out yes clears you out so you drink the Epsom salts first thing and then within like

20 minutes the whole of the clinic rush to the laboratory are Rushed to the laboratory. All rushed to the laboratory. And then we went on a hike on like day one. And I said to Paul, I was like, God, those episodes were pretty intense, right?

And he was like, nothing, that didn't work on me. He's a northern. Nothing happened actually, mate. I was like, what are you talking about? I was like, everything, I about I was like everything I'm hollow I'm a hollow you're looking at a hollow person and he went

sorry mate I did everything he said but it had no reaction anyway we were walking along and I kept talking talking and I turned around he wasn't there

he wasn't walking next to me anymore he disintegrated he disappeared and I no he hadn't lost so much weight he was shitting in a bush wasn't he and then I just heard

from the woods he just kept shouting, stay back! Stay back! And I was like, Paul? Stay back! Poor man. And I was like, Paul? Paul, are you there? Are you OK? Don't! Don't! Don't you! Don't you come! Don't come! Don't! Go back! And I just had to go back to the hotel, and I say hotel,

I mean it was it's a clinic but yes no he did the shit in the woods poor bloke I know and he nearly died

and then I I had enough I lost a stone and we're only there six days we're supposed to be there a week and I thought I can't do this and I was so emotional

and depressed and confused and Paul was about you know he was about you know like three stone he was like skeletal he was Christian, you know, like three stone. He was like skeletal. He was Christian Bale in The Machinist. And I went round to his room and I said,

Paul, I booked us a Ryanair flight. We're going to get out of here. I can't do this anymore. And he like dropped to his knees and burst into tears. Oh no! He was so great. He was so great. He was like, fuck you, mate.

Fuck you! Because he was trying to be loyal. He was just wanting to look after me. He's the nicest guy! He's so nice. Oh my god. You need to tell us what your last supper best meal would be. Start a main pud and drink.

I've always had an issue with the last supper question. It's a bit depressing. I know. There's quite a lot going through my mind right now. I'm going to die. Just don't think about dying. Okay. How can I not? Right, you're going to the Mayo Clinic

for six months. Oh, and it's my last meal before I go. Before you go. That's a good one to do, yeah. Which may result in death anyway, but I understand what you've done. This is a very good question. I mean, I've always gone, played safe with what I think is my favourite meal

because I do struggle to enjoy anything better. And you might not, this is a very straightforward answer, but I might change it. Okay. But I do love a home-cooked spaghetti bolognese. Oh, spag bol, you can't beat it. It's just something quite magical about it. Yeah, I agree.

With the parmesan and the big mince and the onions. It just works. Even though Italians aren't interested in it. No. And every time I've ordered it in a hotel, it's horrible. If you order it, it's all watery. But a home-cooked spag bol. Yeah. ordered it in a hotel it's horrible yeah if you order it it's all watery but at home cooked spag bol yeah oh this does taste very yummy who makes it then your wife yeah and my mom made it

and now my wife has taken over the reins of the spag bol she's passed the pasta but what does she do that's special about hers i don't know there's a secret ingredient it's just really yummy well actually the longer it sits I mean second day dare I say second day

is probably better than the first day does she put wine in I think there might be a little bit of wine I mean I'd have it with a nice red wine yeah

does she put milk in hers I don't know what she's doing I'm just sort of what's it silly does puts milk in hers really yeah

two sugars I think he's mixing up his dishes here what she's doing. What's it silly does puts milk in his. Really? Yeah. Two sugars? I think he's mixing up his dishes here. Can I get some spaghetti bolognese, please? Milk and sugar? Yes, thank you. So you'd have that.

Okay, so that's your main... Well, there might be other things. I mean, I do... I do like... I don't think anybody's done spaghetti bolognese, you know.

I really like that. It feels a bit go-to. Most people done spaghetti bolognese, you know. It feels a bit go-to. Most people do spaghetti vongole to show off. I wouldn't go with vongole. I can't be faffing. I don't like eating anything that involves more work. I know. I don't want to be finding things in clams.

I don't want to be opening pistachios. I don't want to be getting the muscles and I can't get this one open and my fingernails have gone all funny. I don't want to be getting the muscles and I can't get this one open and my fingernails have gone all funny. I don't want any work. Yeah. You order a lobster

and it's like you're going to... I know. It's like surgery's about to happen. There's all these tools show up. It's like, you sort the food out and I'll pop it in my mouth. It's not like they come over

and go, would you like it off the bone? Why the fuck would I want it on the bone? It's like, what the hell? What do you think I am here? Yes, I'd like to risk my life as well as not enjoy parts of this meal. No, you prepare the bone. It's like, what the hell? What do you think I am here? Yes, I'd like to risk my life as well as not

enjoy parts of this meal. No, you prepare the food. The thing that always annoys me is when they go black pepper. Do you remember they come over with the thing? Would you like black pepper? I don't know. Am I the fucking chef? Why don't you ask the chef if it needs black pepper and then I order the food, you cook it. If it needs, why

leave out one ingredient and see if I know that it needs it? I've never thought about that. I've never even tasted it yet. Back off with one ingredient and see if I know that it needs it I've never thought I've never tasted it yet back off with your stupid big pepper I know I hate big peppers it's quite like

aggressively phallic as well yes it's like a big show off thing with the big pepper it's stupid do you always say parmesan cheese

and they sprinkle it on the top and then leave why would I own only the first bites get the parmesan why should I have

first bites I want a whole bowl just leave me the bloody bites? Get the parmesan? Why should I have first bites? I want a whole bowl. Just leave me the bloody bowl. It needs parmesan. I agree with you. I totally agree. I say an absolute yes. Also, if you have any pasta with fish,

they won't give you any parmesan. You say to them, I'd really like that. I'd really like some parmesan. They go, no. Or everybody else hasn't had the past with the fish, and he goes around the whole table doing all the thing. Yeah, and doesn't offer you. And then he gets to you and he just leaves.

You know, what the fuck? Yeah, I know. I agree. Do you ever take a cheeky little chunk of parmesan from the fridge? Oh, of course. Yeah. Only when it's fresh. Oh.

No, I don't like it when it's gone a bit dry. Tell me about your fridge work when you're alone and hungry and maybe you've had a drink and it's just you and the fridge. How low have you been? How low have you gone? Cheese. Is it basically cheese? Wait, not straight in the mouth, not teeth marks in the cheddar. Anything. Any cheese I would eat.

But you'd cut a slice off? No. Oh, yes, I do. What do you have when you go into the fridge, right? Well, I mean, I'm going to be honest. Anything. Everything's a suspect. I mean, I'll consider any option, cooked or uncooked.

I have to say, I do work the mayo pretty hard, especially a squirt of all that. You're kidding. I work the mayo. No, no no i'm on okay yeah guys squirt on a bit of ham or something okay but it's good or an egg or the hard-boiled egg or something you know i'll work a bit of mayo but no i suppose the thing i'm most ashamed of over the years because i'm not a cook and when i when i'm just hungry and maybe if i've had a little red wine

or if I... Normally when I've done a show and I maybe had a drink there and I get back and I'm just a bit peckish or I'm feeling good about this show and I think I will reward myself but there's nothing to eat.

There is something that I've done over the years and I feel bad about it. It's pretty grim. Come on. It's pretty grim. I'll go sweet corn. I'll go... I'll leave it in the tin.

I'll drain the water, but not even all of it necessarily. And I might add a bit of mayo ketchup to the tin. Corn and mayo ketchup. And I'll just eat out of the tin the sweet corn. Cold. So it's kind of sweet corn Marie Rose. That's exactly what we're talking about. Yeah.

Ketchup with tomato sauce. Now that you put it that way, it actually is quite appetising. It sounds quite good. Sweet corn Mary Rose. And my wife's found that sometimes in the morning and just looked at me like, what am I doing with this bloke? What am I doing with this man? Okay, so what's pudding?

Do you need some more water? Pudding. I'm struggling with the pudding Oh god Maybe it's the pistachio Pistachio with olive oil Do you know what When I was eating it I did think this is one of the best things I've ever had

Yeah It really depends on the quality of the pistachio And the olive oil And the olive oil. And the olive oil. Don't want to tell aftertaste. And the bowl. And the waitress. Was it a glass bowl?

Was it a glass bowl? The waitress. She has to have one of those deep olive tannins. Yeah. Those only Italians can get tan. Yeah. That like, are you kidding, tan? Yeah.

Then I think that I would probably go for that, but that's a very new thing. But in general, I don't really get very excited about puddings. I just don't. I don't really like cakes. My family are obsessed. Oh, no. Do you know what this is?

You know, it's fascinating for me that you've asked these questions and my answers are so childish. These are things I've clung on to my whole life, but I absolutely love chocolate mousse. I just love chocolate mousse. And I don't think I've clung on to my whole life. But I absolutely love chocolate mousse. I just love chocolate mousse. And I don't think I've had it for years. But I used to look at chocolate mousse in a big bowl and think, I used to say, I don't know if I would ever stop.

If somebody gave me a vat of chocolate mousse, I don't think I could stop. Because it's light and yummy. And I don't think I could stop. Because it's quite, it's light and yummy. And I don't think I'd ever stop until I just like exploded. It is really good. And it was coming

out of my eyes. And with cream, that's also really good. Yeah. What's your karaoke song? Wow, so many. So many? Oh, really?

Can you sing? I love karaoke. Really? I'm the only one in my family who likes it. I bought a £2,000 karaoke machine and no one will do it with me. Can we borrow it for Jesse's bat mitzvah? Mum, what are you talking about?

You can absolutely have it. I mean, I know I've got it in storage. I went to storage today because I've had to put all this furniture in storage. And I saw it and I just looked at it longingly. But my wife will never let me put it up. Is it big? Well I bought the wrong one I said it like I'd invested in this money

I didn't realise it I did it wrong, I did that one even the guy who bought it round he was like you know this is for pubs So it's like a real system The speakers are this big there's two of them Because you love it so much But yeah you can't get it wrong are this big. There's two of them. Because you love it so much. And it's a big stack.

But yeah, you can't get it wrong. If you get the wrong key, I mean, you know how to sing very well. Oh. But singing is, for most people,

if you get the wrong song, it's just a disaster, isn't it? I don't know why I'm looking at you. How's your singing? It's okay. Yeah. So I suppose, every why I'm looking at you how's your singing? it's okay yeah so I suppose every time I listen to why can't I think?

are you rock and roll or heavy metal? well I do there is a song I always think I've seen so there's a I always think Bruce Springsteen's

Dancing in the Dark I'd be pretty handy at yeah and that's low yeah I so that's quite good you're fine you You're safe.

Check my look in the mirror. Yeah. I think I'd be good at that. Yeah, I think so too. I did Carrie a long time ago and I sung a very weird song but I nailed it. Abracadabra by the Steve Miller band. Oh, Abracadabra. I heat up like a burning

flame. Burning flame full of desire. Really enjoyed that one. You've got a burning flame. Burning flame full of desire. Really enjoyed that one. You've got a great voice. Well, and if it's the right song. I know. And then I did, but I won't remember it. I had a great one.

Because we hire these karaoke, because we have these parties to celebrate the end of the show. And then have you heard of this gospel-okey thing where they come and sing it with you? There's like a gospel choir and they sing the song. Oh my God, so it's like Sister Act 2? Yes. Oh wow. That's when it's called gospel hokey. They're really good. Oh, I love that.

That is at your back meter. I could make them for parties. Wow, you really like karaoke. No, no. Gospel hokey. This is amazing. Gospel hokey. Instead of having the machine and some cheesy guy, you've got like five gospel singers

which is so much better and they just and they sing with you oh my god so you feel like the child in Romeo and Juliet Baz Luhrmann's

Romeo and Juliet brother and sister so you can have that everybody's free otherwise you're bloody Lauren Hill I think I sung

Winner Winner like a soul I think I sung like a your love that one is lifting me higher Jackie Wilson than I've ever been lifted I think I sung... Winner, winner. Like a soul... I think I sung like a... Your love... That one. Is lifting me higher... Jackie Wilson. Than I've ever been lifted before.

And then you have the... You'll keep it up. Oh, wow. Yeah. Fabulous. Your parties sound fun. Yes, but not the year before because I chose the wrong song and it ruined the whole... What was the wrong song?

Oh, God. It was an 80s song. Oh. And it was just... It was a last minute swerve. And it ruined everything because I couldn't get the key and it was very embarrassing. But yes, what's your karaoke then?

I mean, your own. I don't like it. You don't like singing? But I do like the idea of gospel okay. I just kind of, you've got a great voice. Yeah, you have got a gorgeous voice. If it's the right song. No, you've just given us four different songs. Were a choir boy no at school no no no i wasn't you could be a choir boy

yeah well you kind of look a bit choir boyish what do you mean i've got a little angelic face you don't think it's too late no It is a bit late. I think I've missed that. Missed the boat. So, okay. We came... We managed to have you over for dinner because we are celebrating...

Oh, hold on. The phone number says that. Am I okay? 36.9. Oh, I've gone down. 36 dead. No, not dead. I mean...

Fuck! Fuck! 36 dead. No, not dead. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. No, that means 36 on the nose. On the nose. Not you're dead. Let me see what you're... I didn't pronounce you dead.

What are you? What's wrong with you? You'll have to tell me. 36.8. 36.8. I've gone up a notch, haven't I? Michael, you are hysterical, you are brilliant, and you have your Netflix show that is out.

It's out on Tuesday. It's the 15th. It was probably already out. So it's just come out? It's just come out. You can watch it now because I've seen the weather forecast and it's like a bloody heat wave. So no one's going to watch anything.

Everyone's going to be outside in the garden. So when you want to come in the garden, watch the Netflix special. It's called bloody heatwave, so no one's going to watch anything. No, it is a heatwave. Everyone's going to be outside in the garden. Yeah. So when you want to come in the garden, watch the Netflix special. It's called Showman or Showman. And that's you. How would you say it? Showman. Showman.

Showman. Because some people go Showman. Showman. What do you say? I don't know. Did you choose the title? Yes. So you must have an opinion.

My opinion is this. What? I think I change sometimes between showman and showman showman showman would you say it's the greatest showman or the greatest showman

well I'm familiar with the word man and I normally say it like man so why has it suddenly become man showman the greatest showman I think it's showman and it's on Netflix and in order to watch it I don't know how you find it.

Type my name in? Because you know everyone's Netflix is individual to them. Yeah. So if you've never watched any other comedy, it probably won't come up. Well, you just, yeah, put Showman in. Showman. Yeah.

Put Showman in. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. It's been a pleasure being here. I've had great fun I'm a little bit drunk now but you're so fun, you're so nice you've got a hilarious relationship with the pair of you well thank you

I really like both of you a lot this is great if my new Jewish neighbours are half as entertaining as you guys I will be putting that house on the market. Jessie, I'm with Michael on this one. I think stretch bolognese would be my last meal.

You're changing from a roast? Yeah. A Christmas dinner? Because I could not live without spaghetti bolognese at least once a week. Do you have it once a week? Yeah, at least. You're just making a little spag bol for yourself. Yeah.

I made such a good one last year. Last week. Did you? I made it with beef stock, but like, we usually just crumble in an OXO cube. I made it with like fresh beef stock. It was heaven.

Absolutely delicious. Anyway, thank you so much to Michael McIntyre. Thank you for listening to Table Manners Second Helpings. We hope you're enjoying it. Let us know if you're enjoying these past episodes. Email us at hello at tablemannerspodcast.com. We'd love to hear from you.

Thank you so much for listening and we will be back next week for another table manners second helpings