Taking 20 Podcast - Ep 152 - The Right Way to Leave a Gaming Group

Episode Date: November 27, 2022

If you've reached the point where you need to leave the gaming group, the next steps in the process are going to be difficult emotionally and fraught with peril.  Handled incorrectly, you can make lifelong enemies of your DM, your fellow players, and anyone they may know.  In this episode I talk about the mature and professional way to separate from the group minimizing animosity or hurt feelings.   #dnd #dungeonsanddragons #pathfinder #dmtips #leavingyourgaminggroup Resources: Resigned:  How to Know When It’s Time to Go: https://www.amazon.com/Resigned-Know-Truths-Stigma-Quitting-ebook/dp/B0BLP2LCQJ/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1AO4TAC6LM4AO&keywords=resigned

This week on the Taking20 Podcast. Suppose you've reached that point where you think it is time to switch gaming groups, but you're not sure of the best way to do it. Before you pick up your gaming stuff, show the group your favorite finger, and stomp out of the gaming room, I have three pieces of advice. Thank you so much for downloading and listening to the Taking20 Podcast, episode 152. This week, talking about the right way to leave a gaming group. Before I get started, I want to thank this week's sponsor, Skunks.

If you need to hire someone, consider hiring a Skunk. After all, you don't have to pay them in dollars. They only make sense. We have a real honest-to-goodness sponsor this week. This week's sponsor is the non-fiction book, Resigned, How to Know When It's Time to Go, available at Amazon.com in Kindle and print formats. This book is about taking charge and letting go of a bad work situation. Resigning from a job can be emotionally draining, and there is a right and a wrong way to handle the process. This book is about how to quit your job with class and keep your dignity and sanity intact. Resigned! How to Know When It's Time to Go, available on Amazon.com in print and Kindle format,

would make a great gift for anyone who's frustrated with their job. If you enjoy listening to this podcast, please consider leaving a review wherever you found it. Spotify, iTunes, Podbean, Google Podcasts, wherever. It costs you nothing to do so, and it could help me on my 2,000-step program to take over the world. My next step involves a gallon of pudding, and I'm damned if I can remember why. Maybe I need to rethink that plan. But if you'd be willing to leave a review, it could help someone find the podcast who would also enjoy it. I would be very grateful if you wouldn't mind taking just a few minutes out of your day to do so.

Breakups are hard, no matter the kind you're talking about. Breaking up with a significant other, cutting ties with a friend, leaving a job, and yes, leaving gaming groups is extremely difficult. Way back in episode 62, I talked about tips for evaluating a gaming group as a DM or player to help determine if you think they'd make a fun group to be with. Last week, I talked about burnout, and sometimes the source of that burnout is the people that you are playing with. Neither of those episodes really got to the heart of the problem that I'm addressing in this episode. I mean, we're all likely to encounter it if we stay in this hobby long enough. What if you have an established gaming group and you feel it's time to move on? The reasons to leave a gaming group are as numerous as the demons in the abyss and

have been discussed elsewhere. Maybe the campaign the adventuring group are playing is a different type of game than you'd like. Maybe you're tired of the game system, you're shoehorned into a role, and they don't want you to change, you don't feel valued as a member of the team. You've been a DM since the printing press was invented, and you're looking for more or different or variety of dozens of other possible reasons why you might want to leave the group. Regardless of those reasons, suppose you've reached that point where you think it is

time to switch gaming groups, but you're not sure the best way to do it. Now, before you pick up your gaming stuff, show the group your favorite finger, and stomp out of the gaming room, I have three pieces of advice, mostly common sense, but we all need reminding every now and then. One, don't quit before you've at least tried to work things out. There's an old adage, never make decisions when you're angry. I'd also add, never make decisions when you're feeling very strong emotions of any type. Or if you're hungry, or horny. That's how you try to stick to your diet, but come home from the grocery with two packages of Oreos.

Not the horny thing, that's the hungry thing, just to clarify. The other one is how you wake up next to that ex. You know the one I'm talking about. With all the problems and no willingness to change or talk about them or no desire to stop kidnapping your dog. Yeah, that one. The last thing you need to do is send a 3am you up text because the fallout could be catastrophic. God, how the hell did I get here? Right, oh sorry. Yeah, don't quit before at least trying to work it out. Talk it over with your GM, your players, that one player that's annoying you. Express your concerns and desire for a change. Let them know you're not having fun

anymore. Many groups, most groups, hell almost every group will attempt to accommodate you. If not immediately, then maybe in the near future. It's entirely possible that the problem could be resolved without the need to leave. It could just be a short-term problem that's solved with good communication. But short-term problems become permanent as soon as you walk out of the door for good. Leaving should be your last choice, but it should be a choice and use it if you have to. Second tip. As in any breakup, make sure any personal items you own are back in your possession and not at the DM's or another gamer's house. If there's any animosity in the breakup, you may not

get your stuff back, and we all know that gaming gear isn't cheap. Chances are everyone's going to keep a level head, and the most contingent a gaming breakup would become is a cold war where neither side really wants to talk to the other one. However, there are those cases where someone wanting to leave results in straight-up animosity. Before you leave, make sure you get your stuff back into your possession. I don't have a huge collection of miniatures, for example, but the ones that I have are probably worth hundreds of dollars combined. Metal, plastic, cardboard, whatever. It would be tragic if I had loaned all that out to a fellow DM

and then left the group without getting it back. Dice, terrain, maps, modules, rule books. Get your stuff back just in case. Third tip. Think about what your resignation message will be before you ever quit. If you've reached the point where you're definitely going to leave the group, take time to prepare what you're going to say. Write it down if you have to, especially if you have a problem with confrontation. Let's say you've reached that point and you know you need to leave. How do you quit your gaming group with class? After reading the book Resigned and How to Know When It's Time to Go,

now available on Amazon.com, I took away some lessons about leaving a gaming group even though the book is written about how to change jobs. I've said multiple times in this podcast, get your inspiration anywhere you can, and I believe the book has four pieces of advice that can help you leave. One, discuss your resignation from the group with a DM first, before you tell the other players. The DM does a lot of work balancing encounters, combat, rewards, and other aspects of the adventure. They work hard so your characters can adventure, and hopefully you can have fun. And much of that work is done well in advance of gaming sessions. For that reason, please give your GM a heads up that

you're leaving in order to give them time to adjust the adventure for the loss of one of the PCs. As I mentioned earlier, you should have had the conversation with the DM before you leave, expressing your concern over the problems with the game or the other players. Assuming you have done that, you should ask to meet with the DM one-on-one to let them know your intention to leave. You need to be prepared before that meeting. Right after you tell the DM, they may ask you to stay, ask you to reconsider, promise you that they'll change, and you may begin to feel unsure about your decision. All I'll say is that if you spoke with the GM about your concerns and they're only offering to address the concerns now that you've said you're leaving, I'd be hard-pressed to change my mind at this point.

Even if you've decided you're leaving and you're not going to be swayed to change your mind at all, you should still be as kind as possible but stick by your decision. The moment of declaration to your DM is an emotional time, and if the cold logic of distance led you to making the decision to leave, I think you should probably follow through with it. Do not be cold, callous, mean-spirited, or vicious. It could be as simple as, Hey, Richard, remember a month ago when I expressed my concern over the sexual undertones of the campaign? I feel that those undertones have only gotten stronger, and I no longer feel comfortable at the table. You all enjoy that kind of game, but I really don't, so

thank you so much for the games, but I believe I'm going to leave the group and find another group to play with. Nothing vicious, nothing cold-hearted, simple declaration of the fact. I talked to you about this and nothing changed or got worse, so I want to play somewhere else. Second tip. Unless you're leaving due to an abusive situation, be open into giving notice in advance so that DM can integrate character farewell into the next gaming session or two. That being said, if you feel uncomfortable, threatened, abused, neglected, there's nothing wrong with just leaving. Send the DM an email that you've attended your last session and nope, out of there.

I'm all for being polite, but if the players are living out their rape fantasies on your character, fuck everything about that and bounce. But if it's not like that, after you've told the GM you're leaving, give them a session or two notice about it. That way they can adjust the adventure and have an in-game reason why your character may be leaving. Last year, one of my pirate campaign players had to step away from gaming because life got in the way. She let me know and we had a long discussion about it. Her character wound up staying with another ship after that ship was conquered,

and she sailed off to the horizon with a different captain for parts unknown. I really hope she can come back to the gaming group, and M, if you're listening, I love you girl. Big hug. She's welcome back at any time because she gave me notice. I found an in-game way for a character to come back someday, or not, depending on what life looks like over the next couple of years. Giving notice like this is just the right way to do things, unless it's an unusual situation, and this is a kindness to your DM by giving them time to prepare.

You can decide if you want to give notice to the other players, by the way. I would recommend it, even if it's just one game session. But there's nothing wrong with saying, hey guys, next session will be my last. Be prepared for questions and maybe the same types of attempts to keep you from leaving as you had on that one-on-one speech with your DM. But only stick around after very careful consideration. Most of the time, if you've decided to leave, leaving is the right answer. Third tip, leave emotion out of your resignation. Thank the DM and the other players for having you at their table for a time. In your heads-up notification to the DM players and during your last session, be polite but firm and exit the gaming group with grace. This is your opportunity to leave a lasting impression with people.

Our gaming community is relatively small, all things considered. Chances are you will run into one or more of these players or DMs down the road. The last thing you need to do is burn a bridge when one of these players could be a key to getting invited to a different group somewhere down the road. As the sniper from TF2 said, be polite, be professional, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. Wait, sorry, no, no, no, that's not right. Don't make plans to kill people. That's just wrong. Now, characters are animal companions, on the other hand. Fourth tip for leaving with class and dignity. Maybe suggest a new player to the group who could take over your character. If you know of someone who might be a

better fit or someone who's looking for a gaming group, suggest that person to the group and maybe suggest that group to the person. RPGs are not a zero-sum game. You don't need someone to suffer for you to get more. If we interact with people locally in game stores, online, conventions, local gaming groups, etc., chances are we know someone who's looking for a game. If you're leaving the table, that opens up a seat. Suggest that person to the group, and if they're interested, suggest that group to the person you're thinking of. They may be looking for exactly the type of game that you're leaving.

It's a sure way to increase your odds of making lifelong allies even if you're leaving the game. And fifth tip to leave with class. Don't waste time bad-mouthing or denigrating, for those of you who are more loquacious out there, any previous players or DMs that you've had. Just because they weren't a good fit for you doesn't mean they wouldn't be a good fit for someone else. Talking shit about past groups makes you look worse than it does them. Like I said earlier, the gaming community, as diverse and as big as it feels, can be very small sometimes,

and you gain absolutely nothing by shit-talking the previous players in DM. Be polite, but honest if someone presses you for details. Oh, they're running more of a social high society adventure. That's really not my thing. Leaving a gaming group isn't easy. No matter how many guidelines you're given,

tips that you receive, or books that you read on the subject, it doesn't guarantee a completely smooth process. In all things, once you've made your decision, stand firm, be humble, and exit with as much grace as you can muster. Even if that means you second-guess yourself in the car and wind up crying on the way home, give your heart time to heal. With clear communication, giving ample lead time, and by not burning any bridges, even during these difficult times of change, you and your players can have fun doing it. Do you have any

ideas for a topic or questions you'd like to ask me? I would love to hear them. Send them to me via direct message on Insta, Facebook, or Twitter, or email them to me at feedback at taking20podcast.com, and your answer may be delivered in podcast format with a horrible pun at the beginning and end. Tune in next week when I'm going to resume the planer series talking about the elemental planes of Earth, Wind, and Fire. And air. No, I'm not playing any Earth, Wind, and Fire music.

I don't have the money for that license. Just go play the song September or Boogie Wonderland in preparation for next week. Once again, I want to wholeheartedly thank this week's real honest to goodness sponsor, the book Resigned, How to Know When It's Time to Go, available now at amazon.com. Resigned addresses the lies, the truth, and the stigma of quitting your job and helps those who are thinking about changing jobs navigate the journey. Use the book's pro tips and techniques to quit your first job, retire from your last job, or anything in between. Also, before I go, I want to thank this week's sponsor, Skunks. A skunk made its way to the local courtroom and the judge had

to bang the gavel. There was disodor in the court. This has been episode 152, all about leaving your gaming group. My name is Jeremy Shelley, and I hope that your next game is your best game. The Taking 20 Podcast is a Publishing Cube Media Production. Copyright 2022. References to game system content are copyrighted by their respective publishers.