Taskmaster The Podcast - Ep 57. Nish Kumar - S5 Ep.1

Episode Date: December 2, 2021

It’s time to go back through the TM archives and this week Ed is joined by Nish Kumar to kick off Series 5! This series starred Aisling Bea, Bob Mortimer, Mark Watson, Nish Kumar and Sally Phillips ...and it provided some classic Taskmaster moments. On this episode Nish and Ed revisit Basketball gate, elegant sailing and the most excellent noise. Watch all of Taskmaster on All 4https://www.channel4.com/programmes/taskmaster Get in touch with Ed and future guests:taskmasterpodcast@gmail.com  Visit the Taskmaster Youtube channelwww.youtube.com/taskmaster  Taskmaster the Podcast is Produced by Daisy Knight for Avalon Television.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Introducing Uber Teen Accounts, an Uber account for your teen with enhanced safety features. Your teen can request a ride with top-rated drivers, and you can track every trip on the live map in the Uber app. Uber Teen Accounts. Invite your teen to join your Uber account today. Available in select locations. See app for details. Hello and welcome to the Taskmaster podcast. It's Ed Gamble here. You may be able to hear that my voice sounds slightly different. That's because I'm away working and I have forgotten to bring my microphone and the rest of my equipment with me. So I'm recording this through the mic of my laptop. I'm in a hotel room in Stratford-upon-Avon.
Starting point is 00:00:49 Welcome back to the historical episodes of the Taskmaster podcast, where we delve back through the annals of time, and we cover a, I was about to say long-forgotten episode of Taskmaster, but of course none of them are long-forgotten. They are all classics. And the series we're about to start on is a particular classic. It's Series 5. We will be covering Series 5 Episode 1 today with a very special guest, the wonderful Nish Kumar, who of course was a contestant on Series 5 and many would say the worst contestant in Taskmaster history. But not
Starting point is 00:01:21 for entertainment value, it's always entertaining when Nish messes up which he normally does very much looking forward to speaking to Nish about Taskmaster series 5 episode 1 and if you haven't seen that episode for some reason or you need refreshing go on to all four watch the episode remind yourself what happened in it and come back here and listen to the podcast as we break it down task by task, bit by bit, event by event. Does that sound exciting? Probably not because I said event by event. Keep listening.
Starting point is 00:01:50 Next week's guest, by the way, will be Guy Montgomery from Taskmaster New Zealand. So get your questions in for Guy at TaskmasterPodcast at gmail.com. We'll be chatting about Episode 2, Series 5. But ignore that because for now, we are talking to the wonderful Nish Kumar about Taskmaster Series 5, Episode 1. Oh, look who's back. It's Nish Kumar. Back. Don't call it a comeback. It is a comeback. Just don't call it that. Come on. Hey, let's call it a comeback. Come on. Let's call it a comeback. Let's call it a comeback. That's sign of LL Cool J's maturity. Now he's just like, let's call it a comeback.
Starting point is 00:02:28 Let's call it what it is. It's a comeback. It's a comeback. Look, you've been on the show before, Nish. We loved having you on, but now we're talking about your series. So we thought we should get you on for Ep 1, a big ep for Nish Kumar.
Starting point is 00:02:43 I don't like having to... I already had to account for this behavior once i don't like having to re-litigate this behavior of mine in the tasks i mean we covered a lot of ground the first time you were on we were obviously talking about series 10 but we did we chatted a lot about your time on taskmaster so there's some things that we might be treading over again i mean this is a this is an episode uh stuff full of classics i mean it's it's a very good series i'd say there's at least five classic moments per episode uh and this for you is is quite the opener um we're gonna go through them bit by bit but um what a what a treat it is to watch series five again nish listen it's it's a very enjoyable it was a very enjoyable experience to re-watch it and i sort of have forgotten enough about it that i it was really
Starting point is 00:03:33 good fun to relive it yeah i mean i've probably seen it back more than you i think this is probably my third or fourth time watching watching this series back because it is a it's a real treat it's a good great series it's a good it's a strong series and i i really i mean especially in this episode this really strikes me as this is nish as i know nish immediately so i can imagine it being quite the shock for a lot of people who only know you from stand-up and from things like the MASH report, Late Night MASH, Nishi Nishi Mash Mash, whatever you started calling it. Yeah, I believe at one point we referred to it as Chocolate Lenin and his left-wing potato show.
Starting point is 00:04:18 Yeah, that one. People who had seen you on that, and then to see this was quite the gear change i'd imagine listen ed i contain multitudes no you contain two i contain two you contain political and whatever the fuck this is and it's so it's so exciting i mean even in this first episode you get off to a flyer and you you establish two of your Taskmaster catchphrases in one episode. Yeah, that's right. How do you like them apples and piss and shit?
Starting point is 00:04:50 I forgot that they were both in the first episode. I'll tell you what I totally forgot is how early they established that I'm terrible at everything. And when I say early, I mean it is the first frame of the opening credits. Because I forgot that the first thing you see after Greg, the typewriter, is a balloon exploding in my face. That's literally the opening of the opening credits. Immediately. They knew what to expect.
Starting point is 00:05:20 Because it's fairly incredible how quickly Greg disrespects you. That's what I couldn't believe. That's what I couldn't believe. That's what I couldn't believe. I can't remember what stuff they didn't include from the recording, but in the final show, he immediately just says, you. He says everyone else by name. Bob Mortimer gets so much immediate respect, and of course Bob deserves that, but Mortimer gets so much immediate respect. And of course, Bob deserves that.
Starting point is 00:05:46 But Greg is clearly so delighted to have Bob on and like welcomes him to the show. And he's so excited to hear what Bob's prize task is. And he's like riffing with Bob. And then you're the last person to present your prize task. And it just goes, you. Also, I forgot how quickly. I thought it would be really funny if i called him gregory the whole time yeah i don't know why but straight away he calls me you and i call him gregory straight from
Starting point is 00:06:14 the top and as such a mismatched buddy cop franchise is born now obviously you you knew greg before you knew alex before you obviously knew yes that's right ashling and mark before were bob was bob and sally were they was that the first time you met them on that day i had met bob once before at a i i did a panel show read-through for a panel... So sometimes they'll test the format of panel shows. And this one, they tested it and they were like, no, we're not going to go forward with this. The old Kumar touch. Yeah, the old Kumar touch.
Starting point is 00:06:59 That's a very convenient edit point for you in the podcast if you decide you don't want to keep this information in. The panel show in question was a panel show based on the get in the sea twitter account now i know that all the best panel shows are based on twitter accounts all the strongest we all remember at mock the week before the show um but i got offered to do this run through and I said, absolutely not. Like, I'm not doing it. And then they said that Bob was hosting it and I said, absolutely, I'm going to do it.
Starting point is 00:07:33 And I did that run through so that I could meet Bob Mortimer because I was so excited to meet him. So I had met him once before and he was very, very nice. So that was very exciting for me. And I hadn't met Sally Phillips before, but like Bob and Sally, it was such an interesting group of people to be put together with
Starting point is 00:07:53 because I'm very dear friends with Aisling. Watson and I know each other for a long time. But we really grew up watching Bob and Sally on TV. Yeah, of course. Yeah. You know, like, because I like, I love shooting stars. I love Smack the Pony. And I had, I think not long before that, just watched however many Veeps there had been up till that point.
Starting point is 00:08:18 And Sally is so funny in Veep. And so I was, when they told me the line-up, I was beside myself. And also, I don't know how common this is. I got offered the show because Alex phoned me personally, which was great. It was such an exciting way to be on the show. He phoned you personally to offer you the show?
Starting point is 00:08:36 Yeah, yeah. Alex phoned me in the morning, yeah. I was in my house and... That's what happens if your agent's not answering his emails. That is truer than either of us would like to admit. I should point out not my current agent, a different agent, but
Starting point is 00:09:01 I suspect there was an element of that. Alex took matters into his own hands. Yeah. Didn't get a response and thought, I'll just call the guys myself. Got his number. Why not?
Starting point is 00:09:16 I've got his number. Why not? Yeah. So he phoned me to offer the show. And obviously I accepted immediately. And then I asked him the lineup. And I couldn't have been more thrilled at the lineup. I was so happy to see Aisling and Mark and genuinely was like honored to be in the presence of Sally Phillips and Bob Mortimer. And the only thing that Horn said to me was he knows that Aisling and I speak regularly.
Starting point is 00:09:40 And Horn said, don't discuss it with anyone. Don't talk about any of the tasks that you've done and that's the only real thing you get told before you do the show just don't talk about it with other people because it's much more fun and we all didn't none of us had found out anything
Starting point is 00:09:56 and it's just much more it's much more enjoyable to get your organic reactions I think most people completely understand that that you're not supposed to talk about it and that does make it more fun. The only person I've ever experienced even teasing the idea of trying to talk about stuff was in Champion of Champions,
Starting point is 00:10:14 Lou Sanders is desperate to talk about everything. So every conversation we had before, after we filmed our task, before we did the studio, was lou going oh what about and i'll go no lou lou lou no she go oh yeah sorry sorry sorry because she's that's a classic example they know that you and lou are friends it's like when you did it they must have warned you specifically about rose i don't think there was any need to because as you know me and
Starting point is 00:10:42 rose absolutely love games we We love escape rooms. Yeah, yeah, two of the most competitive people of all time. There is no way we'd ever talk to each other about it. Your then girlfriend, now wife, and I feared that the two of you would kill each other. Well, there was no need, because I won. So everything worked out well for everyone. I've done escape rooms with the two of you, and it's some of the most stressful hours of my life and I've received death threats. Maybe Nish, it would be a little bit less stressful
Starting point is 00:11:09 if you helped. I like to interact with the environment. I like to engage with the performers in the escape room. It's not a drinks party. We're there for a reason. The escape room is just an impediment to me having alcohol with my friends
Starting point is 00:11:26 it's it's just an obstacle to be navigated so that i could get to the pub well uh i'll use this platform to let you know that um i've booked a new escape room but it was only teams of four so i'm going with my wife uh rose matafayo and your girlfriend and we'll meet you in the pub afterwards. I don't think people know that my girlfriend, you, Charlie and Rose, are in an escape room team and frequently do not invite me. I don't think
Starting point is 00:11:56 people realise that. I guess the problem is normally I remonstrate quite strongly about this and I shout at you for excluding me, but I have literally just watched episode one of series
Starting point is 00:12:07 five of Castmaster and it's very difficult after having been confronted with your own behaviour in terms of
Starting point is 00:12:14 lateral problem solving to think I'm watching it going I wouldn't invite this prick to an
Starting point is 00:12:22 escape room no of course you wouldn't I think anyone who's I mean hopefully everyone listens this has gone back they've. No, of course you wouldn't. I think anyone who's, I mean, hopefully everyone listening to this has gone back, they've watched episode one of series five again. Would you invite this man to an escape room?
Starting point is 00:12:31 You wouldn't. You'd definitely go for a drink with him afterwards. You'd have a laugh with him afterwards. Oh, you'd have a laugh with him. I wouldn't back him to get out of a room. Yeah, you'd go for a drink with him afterwards if he could find his way into the pub. But let's, I mean But let's talk about it. Tie a string around the cunt, please.
Starting point is 00:12:53 Enough teasing it. Let's get into it because actually the prize task, Nish, something that makes the most excellent noise, I actually think this is the first instance of you being massively underscored yeah the first out of a few one one of three probably yeah one of three in eight episodes uh so i think it was an excellent noise the most excellent noise is a cd of your laugh um looped um and again it's the disrespect straight away i think i, I'm a fan of your laugh, Nish. To me, that is an excellent noise.
Starting point is 00:13:27 And it means you made Nish laugh, which is a great feeling. You better be a fan of it. You've been listening to it for 15 years. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I love it. I love it. It makes you feel good. It makes you feel like you're funny.
Starting point is 00:13:38 I like it. Four points minimum for me. The issue was you're always ready to undersell all your stuff, Nish. You're always ready every time anyone picks a stuff nish you're you're always ready every time anyone picks a slight hole in it to go yeah what a load of shit i'm rubbish you have to understand when greg is bearing down on you not literally although that does happen once in the series but when greg is figuratively bearing down on you yeah you you see the people's different approaches and know you see Aisling push back
Starting point is 00:14:07 you see Sally push back you occasionally see Bob at least quibble with it, you see Mark Watson and I willingly Mark Watson and I throughout this entire series are like the guy in Austin Powers who gets run over by the steamroller he's absolutely miles
Starting point is 00:14:23 away from it, he's just going and they're on the roller going get out of the bloody way just move and that's me and that's me and mark i sit under the merest flicker of scrutiny yeah i think if greg had said that i murdered lord lucan i would have said yeah i did actually yeah fine one point i'll take it. Yeah, that's it. You and Watson, wonderful dynamic. Two great people, but very weak men. It's stunning how quickly the dynamics are established. And it's also stunning how quickly some of the defining jokes of the series are established.
Starting point is 00:15:04 Including Greg calling Mark Watson a fucking heron. A heron, yeah, exactly. some of the defining jokes of the series are established including greg calling mark watson a fucking heron a heron yeah exactly but look he starts well watson um he really wants to win you see he brings the big gun straight away and i think as well he knew that he had to go big on the prize task because he knew what he'd done in the film tasks because you are both you're both a mess but you are very bullish in being quite bad at tasks like you'll go like i'm gonna do this and then you do it badly you're like i did it whereas watson will everything will fall apart in front of his eyes and he's just desperately scrabbling to put it all back together yeah he's definitely um i i felt i don't think i've ever been closer to someone be so upset when he realised that he had been texting Greg.
Starting point is 00:15:47 Oh, yeah. Every day for a number of months and no one else had. I mean, that was a dark moment for him. Fantastic television. Genuinely hilarious. Yeah, really good stuff. Lovely to see a man get destroyed. So he brought out the big guns with the opera singer which is a great classic task
Starting point is 00:16:06 master prize it's yeah it's bringing in a person as a prize and there's like a performance element at the end very very strong and deserved the five points i think really strong i actually thought that um i think that i thought that ashley would get scored higher because of the air horn. Yeah, it was solid. The nostalgia of Greg's life. I actually thought these were all quite strong efforts because Sally bringing in that weapon to disperse young people. That's so up Greg's street. It's such on Greg's page.
Starting point is 00:16:39 Yeah, totally. It's really up Greg's street. Yeah, those things are mad. I think there's one near our house. But I must stress my wife is not 24 and under but i think it's um your wife with whom you've been together for 10 years yes but she is she is younger than me and she can hear she can hear something now and again and i'm just like crotchety old man just walking around going i can't hear a thing um but it's a good a good prize an excellent noise uh it you know it victimizes the youth which is uh what greg's all about but the air horn may be too straightforward maybe just yeah maybe not weird enough uh to get anything it's actually quite a sluggish start from Mortimer because that thing is like, it's very weird.
Starting point is 00:17:27 Yeah. Given what he goes on to achieve in the series, it's quite a slow start. Yeah, it is. And although it does produce the absolutely amazing line where he uses it and Mark says, oh, it's like there's a blackbird sat next to me and Bob goes, oh, there might be.
Starting point is 00:17:44 He could just be keeping quiet. Just really, really strong. It's so exciting to have Bob on it. So it was one point for your laugh, Nish, which I think is harsh, but it very much, Greg sets out his stall early doors as to what he thinks. I think what I'm learning over the course of this is this is the only series I've never rewatched. Because I've rewatched all of them. It's like comfort food, especially during the pandemic.
Starting point is 00:18:09 I would just sort of have it on in the background. And then I watched them all. I watched a lot of them with Paul Williams. Yes. When he was staying in my house. Yeah. At the time that they were sort of sorting out him becoming the New Zealand Alex Horne. But I think what I'm realising
Starting point is 00:18:25 slowly is that this is the only series that I did not re-watch. Amazing that Paul stayed at your house and at no point did he say we should watch that one. He was just like, yeah, maybe really politely and quietly as he does. Nish, maybe we should skip to six. I beg your pardon, Paul?
Starting point is 00:18:42 Oh, six. So it was two points to Bob Mortimer for his rubber cylinder with a metallic end that makes the noise of a blackbird. Three points for Aisling B's air horn. Yeah, solid start from Aisling and also a wonderful throw forward to Jess Knappett in Series 7
Starting point is 00:19:02 making the noise of an air horn with her mouth. Yes, I remember that well. It's an important Taskmaster noise. Four points for Sally's mosquito youth disperser and probably the most normal thing that Sally does in the entire series. From this point on, it's just the whole thing unfurls. 100%. And then the opera singer, of course, from Mark, gets the big five.
Starting point is 00:19:23 Sally Phillips, what an excellent noise-making thing have you brought in? It's a youth disperser. So it's a sound that is appalling to hear if you're under 24. If you're over 24, you can't hear it at all. Wow. It's called the Mosquito. The Mosquito, yeah. Great. Well, I hate young people, so that's... LAUGHTER
Starting point is 00:19:44 What's the age cut-off, Sally? I think it's 24. 24. Who's below 24? Right, let's smoke these pricks up. Task one, the first proper task of the series, give Alex a special cuddle. Most special cuddle wins. You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now. Some incredible efforts here. I mean, yours, Nish, cuddle most special cuddle wins you have 20 minutes your time starts now some incredible
Starting point is 00:20:05 efforts here um i mean yours snish i'm gonna put it out there that's the cuddle i'd most like to have yeah it horns issue with it seemed to be temperature but i like to be toasty so that's why i got the um that's why i got the throw from the dressing all of that stuff is just from in the dressing room and so i took pulled all the cushions out of the dressing room strapped them to myself and and there was like a little there was the curvature in the cushion yeah you could just slot horn's head into i thought it was lovely i love the curvature in the cushion uh i think it's definitely the nicest cuddle but not necessarily the most special you would go oh this is nice i could have this cuddle every day
Starting point is 00:20:50 yeah now we really need to consider what we're defining the word special as because let's not bury the lead here what sally does to alex is special it's very special yeah yeah it is yeah um what's the terminology that they use for torture well at one point greg says you basically waterboard him because it's just a point where she's just emptying a bottle of water into his eyes yeah it's it's like it's malicious and she's laughing it's the fact she's tackling like It looks like Mufti Day at Guantanamo. It's absolutely bananas. In fact, bananas are one of the few things
Starting point is 00:21:35 she doesn't shove into Alex at any point. They might have cut that out. That's on one of the YouTube compilations. Yes, your cuddle is definitely the one out of all of those that I would most like to have. Genuinely quite sweet, Nish. I think you really tried to make it a nice experience for Alex. Yeah, I was really trying to let him have a good time.
Starting point is 00:22:00 Mark Watson, however, they mainly walk to a riverbank is the majority of the cuddle time. I mean, he had an absolute meltdown, didn't he? Showed him a picture of his wife, showed him a picture of Alex's wife. Like all of the others had, I strongly might tell you this, all of the others had elements of a hostage situation. Including Mark just going, here's your wife. Which does feel quite threatening
Starting point is 00:22:30 when you think about it. I think his intent was pure, but decontextualised, that could feel quite threatening. Showing people pictures of their family while you're lying on top of them near a river feels very threatening. Yeah, I suppose.
Starting point is 00:22:44 I mean, I think actually yours is possibly the only one that isn't sort of hostagy. Yeah, because Ashley builds the sexual harassment robot. Yeah, and Annie has to wear a blindfold before she comes in. Sally, that goes without saying, and Bob shuts her in a car. So, Nish, I think you should have got
Starting point is 00:23:06 way more points for this. I mean, Mark is... It's astonishing watching Mark and Alex interact. They are two people who have been friends for decades and every time they speak to each other, it's like the first time they've met. No, it's not. It's like the second time that they've met
Starting point is 00:23:18 and something really bad happened in the first time they met. It's like people who made... Just two of the most awkward people. It's like people who made like... Just two of the most awkward people. It's like two people who once made direct eye contact at an orgy and now can't quite shake the discomfort of that first introduction. I think something even worse than that happened at the orgy.
Starting point is 00:23:40 I think, and the way round I'd have it is it was Mark accidentally onto Alex's leg. Watson reeks of orgy leg jitter. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll clean it up. Oh no, I've got it in your eye. Oh yes, that's up. Oh, no, I've got it in your eye. Oh, yes, that's Alex. Oh, dear.
Starting point is 00:24:10 Yeah, well, I think... Mortimer seals him in a boot, which would make me feel so tense. Although I do like it as a... I don't know if it was intended as this, homage to the George Clooney, Jennifer Lopez classic, Out of Sight. I'm not sure it was.
Starting point is 00:24:26 I think it was done because Bob wanted to get into the boot of his car. And I think he turned up that day, and any task that was given at that point would have ended up with him in the boot of his own car. It's such a funny thing to want to do. Yeah. To become fixated with getting in the boot of your own car. So great.
Starting point is 00:24:46 Just driving around being like, oh God, I can't wait to get into the boot of this. It is very special. You've got to admit it's special. It's sort of lovely in a way, the closeness of it. And absolutely terrifying as well. A really terrifying thing to do to someone. There's a banana and a deodorant in there.
Starting point is 00:25:04 Yeah. Yeah, and the deodorant gets set off. Was that the deodorant? That's really funny. Was that the deodorant? Alex really has no regard for his own personal well-being. That's one of the things that I think makes doing the tasks more palatable is that you know that at various points he has an absolutely terrible time.
Starting point is 00:25:24 Yeah, you can draft him into doing anything pretty much. He wasn't even annoyed at Sally, who, I mean, what a way to start your series of Taskmaster. Phenomenal, absolutely phenomenal. You must have realised, when you did this lovely thing where you covered yourself in cushions and gave Alex a lovely cuddle,
Starting point is 00:25:41 as soon as you saw Sally's, you must have immediately realised what you're up against. Yeah, I was up against a force beyond the powers of reasoning of mere mortals. Phillips was on a tear. Also, what I love is she talks about how delighted
Starting point is 00:25:58 she was about squelching chocolate cake in his armpits. She's laughing throughout the whole thing. Just madness. Great. Absolutely so funny. It's so funny. in his armpits she's laughing throughout the whole thing it's just madness great absolutely so funny it's so funny it's a great example of like how
Starting point is 00:26:13 I think I did quite a route one version of that task but it's a great example of how every Taskmaster task is essentially a sort of Raw Shark Inc blot that tells you a lot about different people's personalities and the first task of a new series is always fascinating because you can see you can start to see people's patterns of thinking yes and with philips it's like the pattern is avant-garde ornette colman improv jazz throw everything at it everything oh great
Starting point is 00:26:43 um let's talk about ash let's talk Aisling's sexy cuddle bot 5000. I think about this a lot. I think about this weird song she's singing, like, on a weekly basis, that ideally that candle would be blown out. That, I think about that for ages. And you want more, big boy? It's also, those VTs are so brilliantly put together,
Starting point is 00:27:04 but the fact that they've composed some appropriate background music to play in the key that she is singing that mad song in it's just one of the reasons why the show is so good. And also too the mix of it is slightly louder
Starting point is 00:27:18 than the things she's saying so it sounds like an awful 70s porn film The mix is slightly off so it sounds like an awful 70s porn film. The mix is slightly off. And also, I always think about Aisling's phrase that she says in the studio about what she did, and I believe the phrase is, hoover all the sex out of his lad. Hoover all the sex out of his lad.
Starting point is 00:27:42 Out of his lad. So good. Hoover all the sex out of his lad. Out of his lad. So good. Hoover all the sex out of his lad is absolutely astonishing. It's outstanding. But it was three points again for Aisling. It was two points for both you and Mark. If you ask me, I think Mark was the one pointer there. I think I was very harshly done by it.
Starting point is 00:28:02 Because Watson, that was absolutely awful. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was bad. Look, I would have gone the two points for you, Nish. But it would have been a one point for Watson. Because he wasted so much time walking. He had a complete breakdown. Sally, four points.
Starting point is 00:28:15 Bob, five points. That's pretty fair, I'd say. It was good efforts from everyone, apart from the heron. Oh! How does that feel? It's very low. Too low? Yes, please.
Starting point is 00:28:31 Is that more the midriff, is it? That's the midriff, yeah. I'm so sorry about that earlier. I honestly couldn't work out the angles, Alex. It was quite wasty. There we go, that's nice. That's just under the breast, isn't it? Yeah, that's nice.
Starting point is 00:28:43 I'll give one little squeeze, and that completes my special cuddle. Right, I'm just holding the deodorant, is that right? You can hold it, spray it if you're getting nauseous. OK, well, I will just do... Was that the deodorant? That was the deodorant. Ah, right. LAUGHTER That was the idea. Oh, right.
Starting point is 00:29:08 Task two. Get Alex onto dry land as elegantly as possible. Alex must remain dry. You have a maximum of 20 minutes. Alex will hoist the anchor in two minutes. I was furious when this came up second. Because I could count on one hand how many tasks had gone well at this second i was like oh jesus christ this is too early i needed this later in the series but sure at no point it doesn't matter where it comes in the series dish if you know you've done
Starting point is 00:29:41 really badly in most tasks it doesn't you're not going to suddenly get a burst on later on don't front load it with all the successful stuff just don't front load it this entire first episode was just all the ones you'd done well in and people like fuck Nish has come screaming out the blocks yeah exactly I think that was my concern I didn't want it to look like I was coming screaming out of the blocks. Don't worry, you didn't. I mean, I did come screaming out of the blocks, but in the literal sense. Yeah. Like the runner who's startled by the gun.
Starting point is 00:30:14 Ah! Oh, God! We're under fire! And he's won, he's won! Just that, yeah. Look, it was a good effort from you. You used the leaf blower. I mean, you're so excited to use the leaf blower as well. Loved it.
Starting point is 00:30:25 I mean, it doesn't do a lot, does it? No, what happened was the wind changed. Yes, what you had was some lucky drifting. Yeah, some lucky... It's like my career. Yeah. Just some absolutely fortunate drifting. Which in itself is quite elegant,
Starting point is 00:30:41 to basically relax and let the wind do its thing and just sort of drift along the shore. It looked very elegant. I was wearing my fashionable sunglasses that i got peer pressured into buying by a trendy person in a shop in melbourne yeah um and i've received absolutely no i got peer pressured by a shop assistant and new zealand taskmaster contestant guy montgomery yeah in a hipster shop in Melbourne. So, you know, like generally it was elegant. Unfortunately, I let myself down. Well, I mean, this is why I find it amazing that you got five points here, because I know you did it fastest, but I think there should have been maybe a point ducked.
Starting point is 00:31:20 Maybe. Sorry, I said that again. Maybe there should have been a point docked for butt crack. It's quite an elegant crack okay, it's an elegant crack as cracks go, but I think maybe butt cracks come quite down, in the context of cracks it's an elegant crack and the top
Starting point is 00:31:38 of the butt crack poking out I think is amongst the least elegant things one could witness, and Alex having to cover it up with a clipboard. I forgot. I really enjoyed me saying, I could feel the wind on my butt crack, and Alex saying, I could see the wind on your butt crack.
Starting point is 00:31:56 Also, the thing with all of those beach tasks that you don't fully engage with, and I actually think I mentioned this later on in the series is there were so many people watching what was going on it was such a nice day yeah and there were so many people yeah which is really unusual i don't think there's been any others really where the public can actually watch or the public can actually watch what's going on yeah the only thing that springs to mind is series two i think where they had to get the balls up the hill yeah that's right yeah that was definitely sort of in a public environment and also yeah a few more like river based ones in uh in three as well maybe um but yeah it's it's unusual that the public are there
Starting point is 00:32:42 to watch the one the the other i really remember this the thing where they got this it's unusual that the public are there to watch. The one, the other, I really remember this. The thing where they got this, it's in a later episode, but we're trying to get Jelly or Weetabix into a metal drum. Yeah, well, that's where the sunglass is really, that's the coolest you've ever looked in your life is walking towards that task. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:33:01 But that's the one where afterwards people were like, just openly laughing at me. Just members of were like, just openly laughing at me. Just members of the public were just openly laughing at me. Also, I forgot, in terms of my other catchphrases in the show, I forgot that in the first episode I say, I hate this programme. That's another recurring catchphrase for me through the course of the show.
Starting point is 00:33:20 I hate this programme. I wish I'd done a law degree, was another one you dropped in later on. Love that. But look, Mish, you got five points in this task because of lucky drifting. And there was not an issue with your butt crack. So we're all
Starting point is 00:33:35 very proud of you. What I really enjoyed was, because Aisling is up first, she's like, I can't believe people saw my underpants. And I've gone, well, I'll see your underpants and raise you on your act by actual ass i wish people would say what i wouldn't give for people to have just seen my underpants yeah she seemed quite worried about that that she popped her trousers off and uh gave alex an umbrella and did all of that but don't worry about that. It's elegant
Starting point is 00:34:06 to keep the underpants on, Nish, which is something you need to learn. Keep the underpants on, it's still elegant. Three points. It was the three points for Aisling. She did it in 8 minutes 22 which is pretty speedy. Sally got four
Starting point is 00:34:22 points. I think this was the most elegant. I think she certainly wins on elegance as Greg said she used the snooker cue to punt in quite a Venetian manner yeah yeah yeah towards the little pier it was an excellent job with Bob I think this is the first time we witness
Starting point is 00:34:38 part of Bob's character where if he can't be bothered to do something he just won't really engage with it. And he will never do things at anything other than his own pace. Bob doesn't rush. He doesn't rush.
Starting point is 00:34:55 He gets frustrated. He got frustrated at this because he said he was going to use the big weighty bag to pull the boat like he was on a Thai prawn farm. The Thai prawn farmers. And it doesn't work at all. And he does scream at the top of his voice, but he really takes his time to get there.
Starting point is 00:35:13 It's a perfect piece of, it's sort of a perfect piece of physical comedy. Yeah. Like he really, you feel the weight of the bag and he just chucks it and it just goes bloop, bloop, and just pops straight back up. Yeah, not really up his street this one yeah but luckily you can always rely on Mark Watson
Starting point is 00:35:34 re-watching that I'm like it's a good thing he didn't sink and drown yeah I mean I always think that about Mark every day don't let mark near a puddle there'll be some way you can fall in and struggle to breathe also it's just fascinating to me ashley is obviously like i'm getting the water so i'll take off my trousers yeah yeah
Starting point is 00:35:58 whereas watson just thinks in for a penny in for a pound right in straight in in his jeans but i think that shows you how much he wants to win, how much he's willing to throw himself into this. It's like the opera singer, just to go straight in, not think about the consequences or what's coming after, just got to get it done, which I respect, but it did not work. He did it in
Starting point is 00:36:17 17 minutes, 45 seconds. Was there a point in that first episode where you're like, hang on, I know I've done bad in quite a lot of tasks, but Mark might have done worse Yes, I did at some point in this episode, you do see me say
Starting point is 00:36:36 to Watson, still lost, we're still lost, I think it was very apparent to me that we were bringing up the rear but it felt like it was a surprise to him, it was not a surprise to me that we were, we were bringing up the rear, but it was, it felt like it was a surprise to him. It was not a surprise to me. It was not even vaguely a surprise to me. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:36:53 Oh, I love it. Absolutely love it. Terrible. You're both terrible. So it's one point to Mark Watson, two points to Bob Mortimer, three points to Aisling B,
Starting point is 00:37:03 four points to Sally Phillips, and the big five for Nish Kumar. One of the few big fives. Good to get a big five out the way early doors, though. But actually, not in your case where you knew there were only about two more coming. I knew they were sparse. I was hoping they'd be
Starting point is 00:37:20 generously sprinkled across the series. I mean, don't avert your eyes like you're disgusted. Jesus Christ. I mean, don't avert your eyes like you're disgusted. Oh. Jesus Christ. I really wish I'd worn better underwear. This isn't... It might not be that elegant, but it's not too bad, is it? Quite keen to get the pontoon mark. Oh, yes. Darling, welcome ashore. Don't feck this up.
Starting point is 00:37:44 What's up with the clock? Hey! Dignity intact. Dignity intact. don't back this up hey dignity intact dignity intact talking of sparse let's talk about task three get the basketball through the hoop you may not wear gloves or anything that can
Starting point is 00:38:01 reasonably be construed as gloves fastest wins your time starts now i mean nish this this i'd say is one of the crowning moments of your entire career nay life up until this point there's a few big moments in the series uh for me uh i would include in that number the song although that's a positive moment at the end. Very positive, yeah. There's the being escorted off, being the first person,
Starting point is 00:38:33 I believe one of two people, the other being James Acaster, to be escorted off the set for a personal talking to by Greg Davis. Yeah. And then I would say there's me blowing out a candle by saying the words
Starting point is 00:38:49 you bubbly fuck. You bubbly fuck, yeah. Yeah, which is the front... I mean, they're not even my... They're not my Kumar highlights. What? We'll be discussing those. My Kumar highlights are...
Starting point is 00:39:02 I've got two more for you. All of those, obviously, but there are two more the water cooler task where you kick kick the water cooler over because you think in your mind
Starting point is 00:39:13 you can do a big big kung fu kick but you can't I slip on the mat yeah slip on the mat and coconut businessman is probably
Starting point is 00:39:23 one of the funniest things I've ever seen coconut businessman the coconut businessman of course and in fact only last night i sent you a meme that someone created after i said that i was interviewing you for this someone sent me a meme of you as a coconut businessman and then brian cox right like good roy telling the coconut businessman to fuck off yeah just perfect it's a it's a perfect meme. It's an absolutely perfect meme. I was thinking about it for ages, just imagining those succession boardroom scenes
Starting point is 00:39:50 where there's loads of different characters there and one day they just pan around in the coconut business man's sat there. But in any case, the two phrases most commonly tweeted at me or shouted at me in the street are, you bubbly fuck
Starting point is 00:40:05 and you're not a bad guy Nish which is what Greg says to me when he takes me off of my lecture you're not a bad guy Nish but the kick in the basketball is this was a real significant moment I mean it's so good so obviously
Starting point is 00:40:23 people who have watched the episode back they know that what happened was they showed nish's successful attempts as if it was his first attempt yeah and then showed all the rest of the attempts of which there were 51 um let's we had a few emails about this so let's get it straight let's get it straight now they sort of gave you a heads up before the studio task didn't they that yeah to celebrate basically because it only really works if you celebrate yeah yeah they said this was literally the only conversation i had about the studio tasks yeah with with anyone we did we genuinely played it totally for real apart from this one moment where uh andy cartwright uh who's one of the producers of the show said just so you know because i thought you know you do so many tasks and there's some that
Starting point is 00:41:14 don't make the show and i had a horrible sinking feeling that that basketball was going to make the show yeah you did it you had to do it 52 times. Of course, no matter what anyone else did, even if what everyone else did was the most boring thing ever, you doing that would have been in. So Andy said, just so you know, we've entered it, so it looks like we're going to show your first attempt. So do what you will with that, and then we'll show the rest of them. So I knew going into it. But what i absolutely love watching it back is ashley and i are obviously very good friends yeah and the disbelief
Starting point is 00:41:55 she she she she is out of her seat in shock yeah when she sees the footage because she cannot conceive of the idea that I would have been able to chip that in first time. Because the one thing that you should know, Nish, is your friends simply don't believe in you. And she was right to not believe you because it was a lie. She was completely correct.
Starting point is 00:42:23 What she did there was completely correct. She was completely correct. Yeah. She was completely correct. What she did there was completely correct. She was like, I think she shouts no. She just can't believe it. It's honestly like watching a sports game where a football manager is remonstrating with a bad refereeing decision. She's like, come on, no. No.
Starting point is 00:42:41 There's no way. What I really like about it as well is the joke wouldn't have worked if during the task you hadn't celebrated quite as much as you did and there is no one else i know who would celebrate like that after getting something right after 52 attempts you're on your knees you're like and looking back on it it's obviously like desperate crying like you're on your knees you're like and looking back on it it's obviously like desperate crying like you're so happy to have finally finished it but no one i know would be like yeah after you'd be like fine finally right let's get on with this it's taken ages but you went for it so much they looked at that and said we can pretend this is the first time when you recontextualize the celebration
Starting point is 00:43:20 yeah after you understand why i'm celebrating. The second time, it recontextualises it. But the problem is, when you re-watch it, I was watching that knowing what was going to happen, but watched the most galling thing about it,
Starting point is 00:43:36 and this is the genius of the way that they edit the show. The first thing you see is Bob try and kick it twice, get quite very close, and then immediately abandon the scheme. That's when you watch and go,
Starting point is 00:43:49 ah, right, now. Also, the first time you do it, you refer to it as plan A. Now that would, plan A suggests the existence of B, I mean, minimum B, right? And you stick with plan A 52 times over.
Starting point is 00:44:10 The thing is, this happens on the show. In one of the most recent, in the most recent series, Desiree just gets stuck trying to dislodge the water balloon. Yeah. You get, I think what people need to understand is in the situation sometimes you become fixated on this one idea and once you've had the idea you think I have to
Starting point is 00:44:32 and then the problem is it goes on for so long that you go well if I don't do it this way I can't pull out of this you get trapped in a thought spiral but it was wonderful it was so worth it those 52 times so worth it and they're so clever the way they. But it was wonderful. It was so worth it. Those 52 times, so worth it. And they're so clever the way they answered it.
Starting point is 00:44:48 It was brilliant. So good. Calling the ball racist twice. Oh, Horne's itemised list is absolutely superb. Mentioning Groundhog Day four times. Oh, and then claiming the ball was racist twice. I'll be honest, when he said that, I thought, that's actually not a lot for Nish.
Starting point is 00:45:04 Like, I would have thought you would have done it from attempt 30 onwards also i completely misused the latin phrase quid pro quo i don't know what i don't know i think i meant to say ergo yeah went with quid pro quo pro quo sounds good sounds clever in, not my biggest mistake. We should talk about the other attempts, but I think you're right. I think if you'd just done it normally, I'm not sure this task would have necessarily made it, you know.
Starting point is 00:45:35 So I think Bob and Mark, I think it's worth it, A, because Bob does it properly, and then Mark, we have it's worth it, A, because Bob does it properly. And then Mark, we have to acknowledge the fact that Mark and Aisling disregard the fact that they go into a room, see a ladder and then both come out with a wheelbarrow of what I think Greg refers to as a commode on wheels. A commode on wheels. I mean, it's a wheelchair, isn't it?
Starting point is 00:46:03 I don't remember seeing that kicking around the Taskmaster house and the crutches. Had someone had an accident? I don't know. I don't know. There kicking around the taskmaster house and the crutches had someone had an accident i don't know i don't know there's crutches there's this and that but also it's great because what's so funny is obviously the studio everyone thinks oh because greg flags up it has to be it can't be anything that could be reasonably construed to be gloves yeah and so they think the biggest snafu is Sally's. Obviously, I knew it wasn't. Yeah. But it's worth it because it is great because you get to see the rules be enforced. And I sort of forgot,
Starting point is 00:46:31 because in my mind, I spent 28 minutes trying to kick a basketball through a hoop. I forgot that I got two points for it. Yeah, two points is pretty good for that, for an absolute failure. Virtually half an hour of my life, for spending about two thirds of a full episode of Taskmaster.
Starting point is 00:46:48 Yeah. Trying to chip a ball in a hoop. Because it was the disqualification for Sally. Because of course it was. You can't. It specifically says it cancels out that glove loophole. Quite rightly to make it more exciting. And she just ignores it.
Starting point is 00:47:03 And there's one moment as well. You could say she's just completely ignoring it just getting on with her own thing she goes into the house and comes out holding a chair i've never seen anyone look so proud and excited to have found a chair she's so happy and then just puts the gloves on uh well boots but they're gloves they're gloves um absolutely correct uh to get zero yeah mark and ashling uh going i mean presumably the taskmaster house was some sort of abandoned victorian hospital i don't know where they found those from equipment from um but they were good good ways of doing it the rake and the crutch uh and and the commode on wheels um and then Bob, fairly straightforward, like you say,
Starting point is 00:47:46 he tries the kicking. He's like, absolutely not. There's no way. Absolutely not. This is really difficult. And stands on a ladder and pops the ball in using a traffic cone. Very straightforward. Well done, Bob.
Starting point is 00:47:57 Straight down the line. I have a distinct memory of Alex going in to get the chair. Oh, really? I remember so viscerally going into the caravan and coming back out with the chair. Yeah. And I really remember screaming,
Starting point is 00:48:17 I'm going to do this if it kills me and everyone else here. It's when Alex so rarely gives away that something's going badly yeah until it's so clearly going badly that he can start taking the piss because you know you've not done well in that situation i had a few where i was like i've not done well it's been awful i've done what i've done really badly haven't i alex he's like oh you never know he'll always say that you never know and then you start to think
Starting point is 00:48:46 that you never know is the most sarcastic thing I've ever heard in my life and also he knew you know and I know 28 minutes kicking a basketball through a hoop is not going to be good it's not good my favourite bit of the film
Starting point is 00:49:04 Good Will Hunting is when he shouts how do you like them apples so I'm often I enjoy shouting how do you like them apples just in conversation and for some reason that had become my weird another weird Taskmaster catchphrase
Starting point is 00:49:20 how do you like them apples piss and shit you bubbly fuck zero points for Sally. Two points for you, Nish, amazingly. Three points for Aisling. Four points for Mark on his wheelchair. And five points for Barb. Are you enjoying this?
Starting point is 00:49:37 I'm going to do this if it kills me and everyone here. Where are you going? Can we get a chair? First live task of the series. Get one item of fruit into the fishbowl. You may not leave or move your chair. You may not throw your fruit to fastest winds. Nish, when this is read out,
Starting point is 00:50:02 you are absolutely livid. Furious. Why are you so angry? Just because I know this is like hand-eye coordination. It's not my forte. What is your forte? Hard to say at this point.
Starting point is 00:50:15 I think maybe I was hoping for some Jimi Hendrix trivia or something. Had you seen the show before? I don't know. I'm not sure why I was so furious. Yeah. You were really angry specifically about this task. I think you were just worried about the live task in general, right?
Starting point is 00:50:33 Yeah, the live task was always my number one priority. As it turned out, it shouldn't have been. Yeah. I should have been much more worried about all the other tasks. But you did fine in the end. You got three points. You quickly established that the way to do it was to spike the pair. Well, the first thing I try and do is kick it.
Starting point is 00:50:52 Again. After what we've just seen. Why is my first instinct to try and, you know, punt this thing? If there's one thing we've established I can't do, it's kick things. Yeah, because you seem to think you're blooming Pele or something. Who's a famous footballer. Ed frantically Googling. Yeah, Pele, Pele.
Starting point is 00:51:19 But yes, look, you kicked it. At least you didn't stick with plan A this time. You moved on to plan B. No, and we moved on. And I'll tell you what plan B was. Let's have a look at what Bob's doing. Copy that. The old copy of Bob.
Starting point is 00:51:32 That's clearly what I clearly look across. I see Bob spear the pair with the pole and then stick it in the bowl. And clearly I've just gone, yeah. And more full Aisling B and Sally Phillips. Yeah, why didn't they just copy Bob? I don't know. I think I would have sort of semi-resisted copying Bob
Starting point is 00:51:50 because I wanted to do my own thing or worried it was against the rules. I'm a bit of a stickler for that sort of thing. But you've just got to copy Bob. You've just got to copy Bob. Watson does it very quickly. So yeah, it was a good idea to copy Bob. You got the three points there.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Bob got the four points. Mark, super quick from Mark. Very quick. He pulled it out of the bag. He sort of used the pipe as a sort of improvised trebuchet. Yeah, it was amazing work from him. Sally and Aisling, it all fell apart from them. It all falls apart.
Starting point is 00:52:20 I mean, it literally all falls apart. Yeah, trying to get a coconut in with half a pipe that's taped together. So frustrating for them, but fun to watch. Sally gets in 3 minutes 40, and Aisling, quite rightly, just gives up. She was the DNF, but they gave her a point
Starting point is 00:52:41 because they assumed she would finish given if it was just her doing it. She would have done it, but not in front of an audience when everyone else has finished minutes ago at some point later this one a throwing task and i just started throwing them at greg i can't remember what i'm throwing but there's definitely a point where i just started pelting greg yeah i mean that's very much the kumar way you decided it and all the wheels had come off anyway and you've just gotta you just gotta going. If the wheels start to come off, why not kick them off? That's what I say.
Starting point is 00:53:08 Kick the wheels off. Kick the wheels off. So the final scores, it was you and Aisling on the bottom. I forget this. I always just assume it was you
Starting point is 00:53:17 landing at the bottom in every episode. But no, you and Aisling joint bottom with 13 points. Sally with 14. Mark with 17, which is pretty good
Starting point is 00:53:27 because it's not a great episode for Mark. Bob with 18. Yeah, that definitely tails off through the series. Yeah. 18 points for Bob, who does, of course, go on to win the series. So strong start from him nish we had we had a few emails in kiora lads i hope you're both doing well so excited that you're on to reviewing season five it's one of my favorite
Starting point is 00:54:02 seasons i think because all the contestants managed to have great moments of brilliance and sheer incompetence in turn my question for nish can you think of a task from other seasons that you would have absolutely nailed or really enjoyed and one that you would have hated uh thanks guys lots of love from new zealand uh and i hope you'll tour back in this hemisphere sometime in the future thank you isabel so thank you isabel from emailing all the way from New Zealand. Nish, any other tasks from any other seasons that you would have enjoyed or nailed? Feel free to just do the enjoyed
Starting point is 00:54:33 if you're worried that there's nothing that you would have nailed. It is really difficult because before you go on the show, you watch it and you think, I would have absolutely, I'd have done brilliant. And then after that, you're like, I know I wouldn't have nailed this because I've experienced this. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:54:50 I know what it's like. I think I would have enjoyed impressing the mayor. Yeah. Because I think that is, of all the things that i did well on the show it was the slightly weirder abstracted things like um making the stop motion film where i eat the cat yeah and um the coconut businessman it was the sort of abstracted strange creative tasks yeah i did well at so i think impressing the mayor i think probably is something that i would have done well at also you're good with uh you're good with authority figures yeah listen i i'm
Starting point is 00:55:32 great at impressing the infrastructure of civic politics um but um the one that i i mean there's almost every task i think I wouldn't have done well on but I know that I would have done badly on the very first task task one at one watermelon smashing the watermelon yeah yeah which I don't think you would have done badly
Starting point is 00:55:58 in that at all I would have done exactly what Ramesh did because I remember the first time I watched that, him smashing on the floor and me thinking, genius. And it's obviously. I watched that. The first time I saw it, I was like, this guy's a genius.
Starting point is 00:56:15 The only person who thought that in the entire country. No wonder he's the president of the Rankin Nation, I thought. How did you know at the time? That's how I called it I predicted it but he smashed it
Starting point is 00:56:27 on the floor one day this guy's gonna be president of the Ragnation president of the Ragnation I don't know what that means but I stand by it I don't know what that means
Starting point is 00:56:37 but it feels like there's a format in there and that's I know I would have done badly at that because I thought that was a good idea until you see him
Starting point is 00:56:44 on his hands and knees vomiting watermelon. Yeah. Genius. This is a lovely question from Rob in London. He says, Hi Nish, following your amazing song with Mark Watson
Starting point is 00:57:01 on the Taskmaster Fest episode, if you were going to start up your own band in real life using only previous Taskmaster contestants, who would you want, what would their role be, and what would you call the band? And he suggested as a band name, Niche Niche and the Quiche Quartet. Thanks for that, Rob.
Starting point is 00:57:18 Well, I would obviously, name-wise, no hesitation, Niche Camaro and the Bubbly Fox. Yeah, perfect. Not even a second's hesitation. But who are the Bubbly Fox who will be backing you up? Well, obviously I have to take Watson, of course. Yeah. Playing the drums.
Starting point is 00:57:38 My partner in crime. That's a real shame that you picked Martin Watson on the drums because you've left out a rather important drummer from the Taskmaster lineups as well he's quite a good friend of yours he's quite a good friend of mine drums are taken unfortunately
Starting point is 00:57:55 and he also was a professional drum teacher for a long time yeah but he's out of the band Rosemaster Fay is in the band she's learning the bass at the moment. Right, of course she is. So you've got a bass player. I've got to take Watson.
Starting point is 00:58:09 Of course I know that Acaster is an incredible drummer. Probably, technically, a superior drummer. But I can't not have Watson in the band. No, no, straight away. I love you leaving James out of this band. Perfect. So, so far, you're up front on guitar and vox. Guitar and vox.
Starting point is 00:58:29 Watto on drums. Drums and vox. As he is in the... Matt Feo. Bass. Dropping some heavy bass. I'll take the other team as my backing singers. Nice.
Starting point is 00:58:44 Okay, cool. I'll take... I don't my backing singers. Nice. Okay, cool. I'll take... I don't know if they have a name, but I'll take Bea, Phillips and Mortimer. Yeah, nice. As our backing singers. And then who else would I have from across the entire series? We need a keyboard player.
Starting point is 00:59:01 the entire series. We need a keyboard player. So I'm trying to think about who across the series. Obviously the horns will be provided by the horn section. Of course, yeah. We do the theme tune. So we've got the horns sorted. And so now what I really need is a keyboard player from across the entire series.
Starting point is 00:59:23 There's got to be somebody that plays the piano. I think you can just pick anyone and then teach them the piano. I think now you need to think about vibe in the band. You need to think about the look of the band. Who do I want in the band who I think is going to... I mean, the temptation is to... Well, I've...
Starting point is 00:59:48 Because I did Never Buy the Buzzcocks with her, I've seen Daisy May Cooper perform musically. In the intros around. And it was something quite extraordinary. I'm not saying if it was good or bad. I'm simply saying it was something quite extraordinary.
Starting point is 01:00:08 Oh, I know who I have to have playing keyboards. Now, this is going to be a tricky one because it's technically not a contestant and it's not on the English Taskmaster. But the person I have to have playing keyboards is the Taskmaster from New Zealand, Paul Williams. He's not the Taskmaster from New Zealand. Do you want the Taskmaster from New Zealand or do you want want the taskmaster's assistant i want the taskmaster's assistant from new zealand paul williams because paul williams and i have also made music together yes you are on uh his last album yes i'm on surf music yes credited as nk47 i'm credited as nk47
Starting point is 01:00:42 yeah so i'll i. So I'll do a transfer, bringing the Toys Monster system from New Zealand. Yeah, I think that's fair. I think we'll allow that. So, you on Vox, Watto on drums and Vox, Matafayo on bass, B Mortimer Phillips
Starting point is 01:01:00 on backup vocals, Daisy Mae Cooper, just sort of the Bez character. Absolutely 100% the Bez. Oh, and then we'll have a... We'll make it like a 90s band. So even though it's not necessarily a rap group, there is a rap verse on there.
Starting point is 01:01:15 And we'll bring in MC Ranganathan. Great. But can he be rapping through a mouthful of watermelon? Yeah, yeah. Rapping through a mouthful of watermelon. Yeah, yeah. Rapping through a mouthful of watermelon. Yeah, yeah. MC Melon Sick. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:01:28 He's just puking up for the rest of it. And Paul Williams, I love it. Daisy May Cooper as the Bez. Excellent. I love it. What a band. So many members. Really strong band.
Starting point is 01:01:39 So many contenders for the Bez role. Because Key would be a phenomenal Bez as well. Key would be a great Bez. Fielding. I mean, Noel Fielding as the Bez role. Because Key would be a phenomenal Bez as well. Key would be a great Bez. Fielding, I mean, no, Fielding as the Bez role. Yeah. Really. Joe Lysett on Triangle. I mean, what a band you could make. It'd be
Starting point is 01:01:53 a phenomenal band. It's a big band. This is from Neo in the Philippines, Nish. Neo says... Neo, shouldn't you be busy undermining the Matrix? Series 5 is one of my favourite series of Taskmaster
Starting point is 01:02:07 ever James Acaster once said on the podcast that he'd be the champion if he was in any different series with a different line up which Taskmaster
Starting point is 01:02:15 season Nish that's not yours do you think you would have won first of all and I can't believe I'm having to restate this but James Acaster
Starting point is 01:02:23 is a moron yes there is no series he would win unless they did a special First of all, and I can't believe I'm having to restate this, but James Acaster is a moron. Yes. There is no series he would win. Unless they did a special one-off series where the only competitor was him. Although, look, friend of the show and Taskmaster statistician Jack Bernhardt has done quite a few stats sheets
Starting point is 01:02:41 that prove that James would have done a lot better in other series. I don't think his claim that he would have won any other series can be proven, but James would have done a lot better in other series I don't think his claim that he would have won any other series can be proven but he would have done a lot better is there any series Nish that you think A you could have won and if that question's not relevant is there a series what's the one
Starting point is 01:02:57 you think you would have done best in not relevant one let's put that out you can't talk about having chipped a basketball through a hoop for 28 minutes and then go, I would have been a legend in any other series. The series I would have fit in best with, in terms of my ability, is series 10. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:03:18 Herring, Cooper, Mouan, Catherine Parkinson. These are people who are on my level. Well, no, mate. Mouan is so far above you. No, Mouan is better than me, but still. He can't even see you. He's so far above you. There were a lot of tasks to that
Starting point is 01:03:37 where they all sort of did things that I felt that I would have done. Yeah, definitely. I mean, certainly I do agree with the majority of that. I think if you were in it instead of Mouan, then yeah, I think you would have done yeah definitely i mean certainly i do agree with the majority of that i think if you were in it instead of muwan then yeah i i think you you would have been you would have been in with a better chance of not winning not winning but doing all right not winning yeah but nish thank you so much for coming back on the taskmaster podcast we will drag we will drag you back on again at some point i'm sure um but for now we always get our guests to rate their experience on the taskmaster podcast between one and five points in the style of the taskmaster
Starting point is 01:04:21 it's your chance to give out some taskmaster points how have you enjoyed the podcast and what would you give it i've given a straight five my friend because i i haven't watched um i as i say this is the only series that i haven't watched multiple times and i i really enjoy it's not a pleasurable experience to watch oneself back on television. But this is the most I've enjoyed watching something I've done. There's stuff that you watch back in the hopes of improving your performance on it as TV shows. But that's not necessarily something you would do for pleasure. That's something you do as part of the work process. So there's very little that I watch that i've done that i enjoy watching back but i really enjoyed watching episode one of this back i may even watch the rest of the series
Starting point is 01:05:13 because yeah i think you should it's it's so much fun so fun it was so fun watching it back and there's so much that i had sort of forgotten about yeah Yeah. It was great. Oh yeah, no, I think we're really going to enjoy digging into this series again. Nish, thank you very much for coming on the Taskmaster podcast. Goodbye! Bye! Thanks very much, Nish. What a great episode that was. Lovely to speak to
Starting point is 01:05:40 Nish, and we will be twisting his arm to come on again in the future. He was my best man. He has to do it. Emotional blackmail. Don't forget to keep watching Taskmaster on all four. Keep watching Series 5. Watch along with us because next week we'll be talking about Episode 2 of Series 5 with the wonderful Guy Montgomery
Starting point is 01:05:55 from Taskmaster New Zealand and lots of other things. He's a brilliant stand-up comic. He's a brilliant podcaster and I can't wait to speak to him. So, get your questions in for guy about taskmaster new zealand about his appearance on it about taskmaster series 5 i know he's a big fan of the show anyway so any questions about that to taskmasterpodcast.gmail.com and we will see you next week goodbye
Starting point is 01:06:16 yes hold on how do you like them apples. How do you like them apples, Horne? How do you like them? Kumar out. Oh, my... Well, well, well! Looks like last in PE, first in being a legend!

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