That Rules Podcast - All Praise Be to @theattentionhorse

Episode Date: January 13, 2022

This episode does not feature Rob Crews as a guest, however he is 110% to thank for helping us figure out our new mics and thus has made the episode actually possible. Rob will be on a future episode. He’s the best!

🎵 Episode 32, Handsome Idiot's Podcast. Coming fresh off of a salad work salad. I made a little trek down the road. We tried to figure out how microphones worked for an hour and 45 minutes and then what did we do we enlisted the help of the greatest podcasting genius on earth robert smitherson cruz robert smitherson cruz we just want to take very honestly this might be like a quick like 50 minute boy i would say about 45 minutes should just be about rob i mean rob cruz is literally more responsible for our podcast than

we are i i think all the listens that we have are just people listening to the intro song and then they stop it's literally just that's very by a landslide the only good thing that's come out of this podcast is rob cruz like yeah i guess i'll make a fucking banger whoops so i mean it's great that we got him but unfortunately it's the 32nd and final episode we had to say it rob's got us to we are officially on good mics we got if you listen to those buttery soft tones and those these gorgeous voices sticky honey oh uh i can't think of more audio words yeah that's because we're on new mics yeah Yeah. Handsome Idiots Podcast. Matt, what's going on?

We're new guys, dude. This is like... We're out of shit to talk about already. I wish... No, we're not. We're very honestly not. This is... I want to like kind of give...

It's not going to matter. I posted about it on Instagram. We have like a full setup. The podcast is going... We are... A lot of people... Let me put it this way. A lot of people are calling this the Dogecoin of podcasts because we're going straight to the moon.

I took my desk out of my bedroom. I brought it into my living room. I took my computer chair out of my bedroom, brought it into the living room. I took Johnny Matzabal out of Collingswood, brought him down here. What we have going on is a multi-million dollar perspective. This is retarded. You just used the word sorry to get away from you. No, it's sick, dude. We got new fucking mics and they actually

sound pretty sick. I'm pumped. I'm glad that your aunt kick-started us. If your aunt listens, shout out to aunt people. Aunt Stacey, you're the fucking best. Aunt Stacey. Everybody's got an Aunt Stacey. Or at least they should. Does Stacey have a daughter? Is there anyone singing her that Stacey's mom has got it going on?

That would be your grandma. Maybe your grandma was hot. My late grandmother, yeah. Rest in peace, dude. Rest in peeps. Rest in... All right. Well, your last name is Peoples.

Maybe we don't need microphones. Maybe we should stop. Well, I just want to... It's not going to be interesting. We used to have these old microphones that were just like... They were handheld. They were kind of a little goofy. Now we got Blue Yeti mics let me yeah this episode is brought to you by blue yeti mics hey

do you not know how computers work do you want a thing that literally they call the easiest plug and play system ever but it took two people an hour and 45 minutes to call their friend get a blue yeti it literally like we it's it's unbelievable how dumb just two guys can be dude we genuinely we got to my apartment probably like 12 o'clock in the afternoon and lunch cast ladies and gentlemen and at 2 15 quit yeah and then at 2 22 we fucking put out the rob cruz signal Quick FaceTime tune. And for any new listeners that don't know the timeline, the killer tune you hear on the way into this podcast and on the way out is from Rob Cruz.

It's all Bobby Prinkles. So the man does no wrong. It literally can do no wrong. No. And if you're wondering what he's saying in the background of the intro song, he'll never tell. That's what he told us. We asked him, and he just shoved us and said,

I'll never tell and walked away it's an unbelievable thing to think that he just was like in his head he's like what if i just went dot dot dot and then he put it on there and he's like yeah that sounds incredible yeah cool do you think ah there was uh is it billy joel has a song where he just does like the no i don't know i lost that dude billy joel what's he do uptown girl uptown girl yeah it's not that one there's uh oh i guess oh bloody oh blood doc could be another one do you think like the beatles were walking around and they were just stoned out of their mind he's like what's that he's like it's uh oh bloody i don't know if we ever talked about it but i hate the beatles

i think they suck beans i don't hate them i like them but i hate them it's the opposite i do think that they're i mean look i think we might have talked maybe we have who cares dude we got new money honestly this is a brand new podcast it is we have new we'll call this episode one we might as well get a new name now too we're actually the we love you rob cruz podcast this is the decent locals podcast it's the happy fun time we love you rob cruz hour it's the put it in don't take it out podcast and you figure it out we but no i fight all the beatles and kick their asses and i do they were all mad at that asian chick for banging that pussy i never felt that bad about it the one who got shot hard yeah oh you yeah you kind of a guy seriously he got shot fully oh i didn't mean like not that one oh well you know

what i mean here's a song called one what was it john lennennon, Paul McCartney, Crisco, and... And Sisqo. And Sisqo. Crisco and Sisqo. Crisco and Sisqo. Yeah. They broke off. Crisco got into the cooking game, and Sisqo got into Thong Song.

The thong, the thong, thong, thong. One-Hip Wonder. In the middle of the... And you, wait, earlier you said the recommendation, this is going to be a segue, put it in, don't take it out. Someone who did put it in took it out and then took care of it the new Drake situation that's going on

oh it's the greatest thing for the listener that hasn't been on the internet or hasn't had their significant other explain to them what's going on as I had to last night explain to your wife yeah so she goes did you hear about Drake and she's like no what so then I explained to her the story of

I think it's weird. So there's an IG model, Instagram for old people. Dude, you're pretty good at the internet. There's an IG model. And she is claiming that – now, what is deceiving is the title says Drake puts hot sauce on condom. God damn. That's her problem. She called it condom.

Condom. On condom for IG model. So immediately you read the headline. You're like, oh my God, Drake is a sick, twisted individual. Yeah. He's using hot sauce as lube. So it turns out what happens is she tells the full story. Yeah.

That her and Drake met on Instagram. They messaged. They met up. They had drinks. She even says in there, she's like, he's very intent on getting consent. Yeah. Intent on consent is the next album. intent on getting consent. Intent on consent is his next album. Intent on consent.

Intent on consent. Ten cents. We can keep trying to rhyme. Intent on consent. I'm going to pitch in a tent. There it is. Is that old school Drake? It is.

It's a new school map. They go back to, after drinks, they go back to his place. They're making out. And she even said in it, from what I read, and by what I read, I mean what they told me on a Barstool clip on Instagram, that he said, do you consent that this is a consensual sexual experience? She said yes. He went into the bathroom and put on a condom and came out with a condom on, which one, that's the weirdest move ever. To go leave the room and you come back in. It's like Superman going into the phone booth.

It's crazy to be so famous that you have to worry about the legality of coming the entire time. So then they proceed to fornicate. Sure. Under the watchful eye of God

and not in wedlock. He's Canadian. I don't think they observe God in Canada. True, true. So under the watchful eye of Justin Trudeau. It's God.

Justin Trudeau is in blackface watching in the corner. So he can relate better to them? Yeah, yeah. That's in Drake's sex contract. Oh, I love your music, Gabe. Trudeau is in blackface watching in the corner. So he can relate better to them? Yeah, yeah. That's in Drake's sex contract. Oh, I love your music, Gabe. Because Trudeau has to be there. And it has to be on a moose skin rug.

Yeah, it has to. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the antler still on. Yeah, they have sex. He went in the bathroom to dispose of said condom. Yeah. And she went in after that, pulled the condom out, tried to impregnate herself with the remains left in said prophylactic. Story of my life.

So when she said she started to get – it felt like she was pouring lava into her vagina. Yeah. And she yelled out like, oh my god, what is this? And Drake was just like, oh yeah, I put hot sauce in there to kill the sperm. Yeah. So she is apparently suing him for damages. so she is apparently suing him for damages but in the biggest twist ever drake's just the the greatest dude of all time now there's literally everything he did is picture per like he is the it's crazy that he's the victim well it shows you that it's not gone right for him before

he is a seasoned vet in this i mean he's got a kid he doesn't this wasn't the first time he took what do you hot sauce do you think it was i like the thingolula, like the stuff that's always on a Mexican food table. I think it's funny that she might have walked into his bathroom earlier and saw moisturizer, toothpaste, toothbrush, Tabasco sauce. Fucking like – so you guys just run to the messes with these rappers to get into, dude. Well, wasn't it – Tell them to keep the shit hot. Wasn't it Hillary Clinton was saying that she like keeps hot sauce in her uh her purse all at all times and she said it to oprah because i guess she thought that was like a thing that just like yeah all black people have

hot sauce oh i think you're making it i thought it was a joke no no i'm pretty sure hillary clinton said that she's like i have hot sauce in my purse right now oh my can you imagine like when those people died in benghazi she took a swig of tabasco yeah she was like what's done is done so it's hilarious she tried to call call Drake out on this, but she literally was trying to entrap him with a child. Yeah. Also, let's rewind to Drake putting hot sauce in there. Do you think it was an act of desperation

or does he always, that's on his rider when he's performing somewhere. Yeah. He's like, I need a bottle of, I need a big bottle of Tabasco for my burritos and a little one for my condoms. Yeah, for my no-rito. You know what I'm saying?

It's funny to think because that's what – you think like you just go, oh, he put – you think in a very literal sense like he just put Tabasco sauce in a condom. But like it's got to be a little hard. Like the condom is kind of folded together. You have to pour it apart. You have to also look at your own semen, which is always – Also, shout out to Drake for worrying about his plumbing and not just flushing it down the toilet. Wow, good point there, dude. That's an incredible point you just made.

Drake, you know what I'm getting out of this is Drake cares about plumbing. Drake is pro-union worker. He is. That'd be known. Drake is very pro, I guess not HVAC. He should put it in the air conditioning unit. He should have put it there. Dude, he'll air it out with a bitch.

He'll air it out every day of the week. He'll air it out with some bitch he'll air it out every day of the week with some he'll air it out with some heat yeah i mean yeah but do you mean that was i was that was intentionally gay that was not supposed to be i mean not gay that's wrong word but uh yeah you know talking about the homosexual it was a homosexual statement yeah but he was also fucking a guy oh yeah i never said didn't state vagina. When I first heard the story, I thought he put hot sauce on the outside of the condom while he was talking. It's like he does it to have power. It was like a kink. So that's what the headline, and that's what I was saying.

That's why I don't trust the media. The headline was that. But then the entire body of the article I read was saying how Drake was just looking out for himself, which he was. of the article I read was saying how Drake was just looking out for himself, which he was. But the headline, if you're just scrolling past it, it's Drake is a sex pervert. And I sound like a grandma.

Are you one of those sex perverts? Are you one of those deviant sex perverts? But that's all Sonja Willie. Oh, Aubrey, what's going on? I've been reading the headlines and I'm disturbed. Now, what would have happened if they were going to go round two and he went back in to reuse that condom? I don't think he goes round two.

I think he – like I can't get over it. It's also funny to think of like a poor person putting barbecue sauce in their condom. Just like I thought it would flavor it up. Yeah, do you think he's tried like different condiments? Like he tried Chick-fil-A sauce and it turns out that just made the sperm stronger. Yeah. Well, it's funny to think like if she saw that there was hot sauce in the condom and wasn't trying to

like put it in herself and she just thought like, does he drink this stuff afterward? Like if she had no context of it. She just thought that those hot sauce were all juice. That was my argument too. It was like at no point when she was doing this where she was like, hmm, what's this red stuff? Or did she just blindly grab a condom and go to work? She thinks Aubrey

has bloody cum? Exactly. Does she not know what excrement of a male genitalia looks like? Doesn't she realize he started from the bottom and now he's here? She's probably like, you know what? He was in a wheelchair for a while. Maybe he's just always bleeding down there a little bit. He's got plasma-dense urine.

That's actually my nickname in high school. Plasma-dense urine? So that inspired me to last night when I was running. I just ran just a Drake last night. Eight miles in the freezing cold, just a Drake, just giggling myself the whole time. I'm just imagining him after all that just being like, anyway, you can get out now. I'm going to go run in your track. It's crazy that – I don't want to get too much into it.

I'm going to go right in your tracks It's crazy that I don't want to get too much into it She tried to take his semen Out of a condom To put in herself That should be more of the story here Women can't really I'm looking at Drake's album titles

And all of them could be used in this situation Like later on When she's like I can't believe you did that And he's like listen you're going to thank me later and then when she's leaving he's just like take care well it's funny that he has a song on his new album called poppy's home poppy is not home poppy is uh oh he just i'm just getting an update he just dropped a track called chalula up that puss what's your hot sauce choice i kind of just take whatever's available. I don't know.

I recently got into hot sauce, which is not interesting. I'm still trying to think of puns on the titles, but continue. Hot sauce. I used to, I like it to bask. I like the one with the small Hispanic man on it. I got it.

Certified Glover Boy, because it's like a glove, like a condom. Okay. Certified Glover Boy. Yeah. You suck at Tabasco puns about drake you know what no but i'm like i think you're gonna miss me i really did when i first saw the thing i thought he was putting it on the outside and he was like i love to spice a bitch up dude yeah i mean well because yeah i thought that too because you're like yeah drake's

probably been with so many women now that like just normal things are boring to him so he's like yeah i just got really into hot sauce and poking myself in the eye right in the middle like it's dude and it's crazy like guys in his position and again there's a lot of creep like trey songs you don't know if you trace on you're a little older trey songs is a r&b musical artist i do know trey songs with a z correct yeah he got accused of so much rape. Oh, really? Yeah, they just stopped counting the women. They're like, that's a lot of rape for one guy. Who's the one?

He's not the one that shot at Megan Thee Stallion, right? No, that was John Wilkes Booth. Oh, right, right, right. I always get those confused. Damn, John Wilkes Booth should be Tory Lanez. I didn't know that. And one of my favorite songs is Stupid Again by Tory Lanez. The one where it's Conor mcgregor in the beginning yeah i end every like hard run to that because i sprint down my that's good it's a great song and

then i said that to someone they're like you know he shot megan the stallion i was like yeah but he also still made a cool song he's got a couple fire tracks yeah what do you think for j for jwb what what's your first thought after killing the president i I just had to think. I was like, I don't know that rapper. John Wilkes Booth, dude. John Wilkes Booth. Well, what did he yell? Like, sick Tyrannosaurus Rex or something? Did he mention Jurassic Park?

Yeah, he's like, I got an idea for a movie. And then he jumped out of the balcony. Who's that eccentric dork in the Jurassic Park movies? Oh, yes, yes, yes. That guy. Oh, Jeff Goldblum. Okay, maybe that's his thought. John Wilkes Goldblum. He's like, yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, Jeff Goldblum. Okay, maybe that's his thought. John Wilkes Goldblum. Yes, yes, yes, I've murdered the president

at a play. They said that Jeff Goldblum in that movie, the reason he talks like that is they said he doesn't memorize lines and he used to make people stand off camera with cue cards with his lines. So when he's doing that, yes, yes, yes, yes, it's him vamping.

Apparently he doesn't have good vision in those glasses. That annoys me, dude. John Wilkes Booth's doing that yes, yes, yes, yes it's him vamping. Oh, so he can actually make him look at apparently he doesn't have good vision in those glasses. That annoys me, dude. John Wilkes Booth's first thought I think because he yelled I think it's sick Serampus Tyrannus it's like death to tyranny.

Yeah. It was what he yelled whatever it is in Latin before he jumped. Yeah. Is it sick transit Gloria? That's the brand new song. That sounds like a thing.

But do you think like that wasn't really what he yelled? He probably did say like Tyrannosaurus Rex. Apparently he jumped off of the balcony and broke his leg. Yeah. That was what I think inevitably led him to getting caught. I think it's still – that's one of those things where it's up in the air. They cornered him, I think, in a barn, and then they just set the barn on fire instead of going in and getting him.

So there's always a rumor that, and it's also, there's like alternative histories that he never died, that he just escaped and they assumed he burned up in that barn. And he became

Whoopi Goldberg. He became Abraham Lincoln 2, Electric Boogaloo. Part 2, yeah, Robocop. He's turns into Robocop.

Yeah, it's not a bad gig. If you fucking murder the president, you get to be Robocop. I can't believe that there's only been two. He was an actor, too, John Wilkes Booth. Yeah, because actors are crazy. That was the other thing I think about

when you look at famous people and you're like, wow, isn't it like Daniel Day-Lewis is kind of weird. He was just Alec Baldwin of his time. Yeah. John Wilkes Booth. Yeah, he just did it off set. He's a real method actor, dude.

It took it to heart. Fucking Alec Baldwin just did it off set. He's a real method actor, dude. It took it to heart. Fucking Alec Baldwin just murdering a woman. That's so funny. Well, I love too. So, man, we are jumping all around, but I'm all right with it. I don't care. Alec Baldwin is refusing to turn his phone over to the police. And I don't think it has anything to do with the shooting.

I think there's just something else in there. He's embarrassed by his DoorDash orders. He can't see that I got two different burgers from two different restaurants. I've been ordering from something else in there. He's embarrassed about his DoorDash orders. He's like, they can't see that I got two different burgers from two different restaurants. I've been ordering from a lot of 7-Elevens. The churros,

they speak to me. You're a multi-millionaire several times over. Yes, but have you ever had the pizza from 7-Eleven? 7-Eleven times over, you're right.

That's exactly right. Yeah, I don't know, man. It sucks for him. But like you think about it, they were doing Legion of Legion of Sky because they awarded him Best Murderer of the Year. In their award show, he was up for it. And they were like, well, you know, he didn't murder. You know, he just shot somebody.

It's like, all right, well, then he got Best Life Ender of the Year. Yeah. It is crazy. I mean, it sucks for him. Even if it was an accident, he's got to go on the rest of his life knowing he ended another life. Well, yeah. I mean, she was the director of photography, so I imagine she really got the shot that she wanted. It only took us a month and a half after that event happened for us to nail it.

Well, I think they address it. That's not a gun pun. I think they address it on the reboot of 30 Glock. Alec Baldwin murdered a woman who had her entire life ahead of her. There it is. That's a fun joke, dude. Dude, if I was that guy's wife, I would kick Alec Baldwin's ass to death. He had dinner with him that night or the next night.

Right after. No, he came to town. There's pictures of him, the woman's husband. You're saying he did it the night he killed her? The next day. Oh, it really happened. Yeah, he showed up in New Mexico

I guess to identify the body and Alex Baldwin was like, do you want to hit 7-Eleven for a churro? Your son can get a Slurpee too. He's like, but oh no, we have to drive there. And he goes, have you ever heard of the DoorDash? Yeah. They bring it right...

It's like driving your own car, but somebody else does it. Yeah. Dude, that's fucking insane. Just like how your wife should have dashed away from that bullet. Well, she's too slow. That's why she shouldn't fucking work. They were doing like a Midwestern movie. Yeah.

Rust, it was called. That's crazy that they probably still have to finish the movie. They should still finish that movie. There's no way. It'd be still have to finish the movie. They should still finish that movie. There's no way. It would be funny if they finished the movie. Hollywood sucks. They're not going to just waste that money. It will get repackaged, it's retitled, and Alec Baldwin won't be in it.

He's got it. I need him in it. I need him to be in it. I need them to be like, we're going to make this movie, we're going to do it, and then the movie flops. It loses millions of dollars. Dude, that's crazy that he had dinner with her. The husband was in on it.

The Alc Baldwin's like, I noticed you lost 132 pounds. You look great, man. Yeah, he showed up and he fist bumped him. He's like, the job's done. The job is done. Is Alc Baldwin just a hitman for divorce? Yeah, Alc Baldwin took out bob saget betty white he's going yeah rest in peace bob saget man we can talk about that yeah bobby sang those dude i i was a big full house kid i got my

bedtime extended as a kid because full house came on later dude nice dude i used to sit there and watch aunt becky fucking bricked up just somebody's saying like man it has been who would have thought that danny tanner would have died and that aunt becky would be in jail in 2021 she's in jail with like the ll colj like leg pant pulled up she's got the bandana on and she like pulls a 40 out for bobby sags it was uh man wake up san francisco is not having a good year oh not, not by any means. Bobby Sags and Aunt Becky. That's funny as shit.

Wake up. Dude, wake. Wow. Do you think that the maid that found him came in and she was like, you better cut it out. Cut it out. She walked in and she was like, how rude. Did I saw? Do you think his coffin is going to be made of rub? A time that perfectly as Matt was sipping a delicious mid-afternoon Coors Light.

This episode is brought to you by Rob Cruz, Yeti Mikes, and Coors Lights. Rob Cruz Light Mike. Rob Cruz Light Mike. Dude, look, I've had a couple of weeks. I get to have a Coors Light these days after Bobby Sagalow and Betty White. What happened to Bob Sagalow? He's lost his life. Isn't it Brendan Sagalow, dude?

Yeah, Brendan Sagalow. Brendan Donegan. Dude, Brendan, I'll kick your ass, dude. True. He'll never listen. Yeah, he will never listen. He definitely doesn't listen to his own episode because if he did, he'd be embarrassed. Yeah, he would have had 61 listens.

He needs to really, dude, Brendan really needs to get a hold of himself it's embarrassing as one of our friends man we we he needs to talk into he needs he needs can i be honest with you he needs a spanking hey if you're listening to this next time you see brendanian give him a hug but also tell him tighten it up tighten it up get together and then just walk away and then a kiss on the forehead and then you know put some condom in your hot sauce. That's a new phrase. That'll put a little condom in your hot sauce. A little hot sauce in your condom.

For some reason, condom in your hot sauce sounds bad. Imagine if it was the opposite. If she went to go eat something and a condom came out of the hot sauce. And he's like, that's where I hide them. That's where they all go. Wow, what an unbelievable woman. Dude, that's so crazy. That's what boggles my mind. She reported this and I think she thought I would be like, you're right in this situation.

And everyone's like, no, you're a terrible human being. He's everything he has to do. Who would have thought from an Instagram model? They're usually such good citizens. Who would have thought the vanity of an Instagram model? To have a kid for money is fucking sick. That's actually pretty sick. I actually like – I'm on her side.

Drake's a bitch, dude. Imagine having to tell that kid one day like how he was conceived. Like, he's like 18 years old. You sit him down for his first beer and you're like, all right,

well, you want to know why your name's Frank? Yeah. Dude, imagine that next guy. Because we put that shit on everything. I mean, imagine that.

That shit probably lingers in there for a little bit. So the next guy she fucks, he's like, oh my God. He's like, what do you have, chlamydia? And she's like, no, Cholula. The kid comes out real spicy. The kid's Mexican and they're both white.

Yeah, somehow he's got a fiery Latin temper even though she was white and Drake's whatever Drake is. Mama, why is my papa not Drake? I think Drake's thinking too that he's his own race. He's winning it. He's winning that race, I'll tell you that much. I'm one of Aubrey's angels, dude. Firmly one of Aub aubrey's angels dude me and my other 25 year old friends call each other aubrey's angel it's so funny when you remember that his name is aubrey it's the word dude

everything about him is bitch and that's why i love him because i relate think about it though like if someone told you like yo drake heard you were talking shit he's gonna come fuck you up you're like man drake's a tough name It's one syllable Yeah It's hard It's got a In it Got a lot of

But if If someone was like hey Aubrey heard you're talking shit You're like cool Tell Aubrey to come Look me right in the face Yeah As I beat his ass

And he's probably wearing L.O. No it wouldn't be He'll be like tell her I'm not worried about her At all dude Aubrey Plaza I don't even watch Parks and Rec anymore

Pussy Oh I found out This is a fun little South Jersey scientific fact I don't know watch Parks and Rec anymore, pussy. Oh, I found out. This is a fun little South Jersey scientific fact. I don't know what that meant. Okay. My buddy was looking at a pamphlet from did you used to play in the NYAA? It was like the National Youth Athletic

Association. It was a basketball I want to say not league but they had tournaments. It's kind of like AAU. I didn't play however I did dominate. They called it the People's uh people's league yeah the people's league actually sounds like something i mean like south africa like it's the people's league of africa it sounds like like the naacp when they rebrand true are you the

people's part of the naacp could be could be i'm running my name's in the fucking basket they would pick it up they have this weird thing about white people. Yeah, they do not like it. I don't know what it is. You have dolls all yourself. But so my buddy found an old pamphlet from a NYAA tournament we played in. It's like AAU, so it's this region. And they have guys and girls categories in it, as most tournaments do. You mean bitches and dudes? Yeah, hoes and freaks. Ew, dude.

And the one name that was in there was Aubrey Plaza. So she's like the same age as me and my friend. Yeah. Actually, he's born on the same day as me, too. Shout out to him. Yeah. Same hospital, same day. Best friends for life.

Shitty. Yeah, Aubrey Plaza apparently played in the same. That's a tongue twister. Aubrey Plaza. Aubrey, the woman? Yeah, played in the same basketball tournament. She's from Wilmington, Delaware. I'd like to get my mitts on her.

I'd tell you that. But I don't know where I'm going with this, but I just thought that was pretty interesting. I think that's interesting. I like hearing about people who live where you live. Where you accidentally interacted with them? Dude, I used to live in dirty northeast Philly, bro. You could barely hold me down. Dude, gunshots every day, Glock 9.

Blip-blop, blip-blop, blop. Blip-blop. Dude, I was fucking lighting homies up up and I was telling them what's good, what's not good. I fucking was near... Where's the hot sauce? I used to put hot sauce in my dick hole. Hot sauce in my dick hole.

Bitches in my dick hole. He doesn't reference this in a song and he'll do it so good. That's when I was listening to the old... Throughout the podcast, try and think of what a good bar would be for that. We're going to think of something. Just keep it in the back of your head while we're talking.

If you start to tune out, if I go on a long one, when I inevitably tune out. I'm thinking because Drake's early stuff is where his lyrics were murderous. Can't get burned by no bitch. I got hot sauce in the condom. There it is. That's a good one. That's not bad, dude. Ouch, why is my pussy burning?

That's a good lyric. It's just incredible to think. Ouch, why is my pussy burning? That's a good lyric. It's just incredible to think that that's a new STD. Yeah. Tabasco. Oh, so sorry. Northeast Philly. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I was near Jenkintown.

Yeah. Where Bradley Coops lives. Ooh, be Coops. On record, a gay guy. Yeah, I've heard. I heard he sunk his way to the top of Hollywood. It's crazy to look at him and everybody's like, people don't realize that a lot of these famous actors were the annoying theater nerds from your high school.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They seem cool now because they're multi-millionaires. Jeff Bezos seems cool because he's a multi-billionaire. Right. That guy masturbates to like... Money? Not even. I'm trying to think, what kind of porn would Jeff Bezos to like – Money? Not even. I'm trying to think.

What kind of porn would Jeff Bezos get into? Money? He definitely – Space? He definitely gets into the porn where like they're – it's always based in like the Ukraine. And it's always like guys like, come on, they will give you a little bit of money. I think Jeff Bezos just jerks off to NFTs. Well, I think he just – he finds the ones where the girls refuse.

And then they go home. And he's like, oh, womenks off to NFTs. Well, I think he just finds the ones where the girls refuse. And then they go home. And he's like, oh, women being able to say no. Oh, God, they never get to do that to me. That's actually pretty funny, too. There's actually a woman who started an OnlyFans. She's in the WNBA. I swear to God, these jokes, they all write themselves. I started writing about this.

There's a woman in the WN, who started an OnlyFans. She is hot. Which to me, that should – I mean the NBA. John, how tall do you think she is? I've looked it up and she's tall. But for the sake of a joke, if you're going to make a joke, oh, she's on an OnlyFans, she's tall. How tall would she be? Six foot nine.

She literally is six nine. Oh, yeah. She's six nine, dude. And she's – I mean Jeff Bezoszos got to worry about another Amazon online. I'm talking about her, folks. No, she's on there, and she is a big bitch. But I would be scared

about just about everything about her. Not even, I have no sexual interest in her, but I would like to fight her. Because I think girls that tall, you can fight. You're fighting for ownership of her OnlyFans? If you win, you have to start posting pictures of yourself in lingerie? If I was dating that girl and she told her friends that I hit her,

they'd be like, what did you do? You're bigger and stronger than him. How'd you get him back? Yeah, dude. I tried to box her out. Yeah, they tell each other when they're stretching before their WNBA game. Like, you're fucking that ball boy?

Doesn't he not know how to set up mics? I feel like that's a perfect pervert job is getting to be the WNBA guy that towels up when they fall

on the ground. They gotta squeegee the sweat off of the court. Like in the NBA. WNBA, I feel like that's just perfect for a pervert. He just goes back behind the net and just smells the mop. I was going to say, there's no kink shaming. He just goes right to the court and he's like.

Did you see the Mystics' new towel guy? He doesn't even use a towel. He just rolls around in it. That's hilarious that she'll get recognized. People on the street will be like, oh, my God, I know you. And she's like, yeah, I play for the Mystics. And she's like, no, you're pussy. You're a huge pussy.

You're a huge cavernous pussy you play basketball that's insane that she's now now only fans is being supplemented by her wmba yeah wow she's yeah she's gotta be making more than most wmba players just oh by a landslide and the only the only person who could beat her in an only fans is if lebron james started an OnlyFans. That'd be unbelievable. I would just want to watch him race animals. I don't think that's racist. Naked. Is that racist?

Can't be. I just think he's an incredible athlete. Yeah. Like you line up LeBron and a cheetah, toss up. I mean,

taking cheetah every time. That's because you're racist. It's because I'm a Jordan. You have a hard time dealing with my game. Now you put Jordan next to that cheetah, he's going to find a way

to cheetah to win that competition. Six times straight with no losses is what we'll do. Exactly, rings. Fuck that, dude. I'll start an OnlyFans. Dude, I'll start an OnlyFans

or I'll just talk to people about my issues. I think that's stand-up. It's called therapy. Yeah, okay. All of this, yeah, the comedy scene could be cut in half

if people just went to therapy. I think they all do, and they still suck. Yeah. Not at comedy. At therapy. Well, some of them suck. I'm killing it at Mike's, but I'm doing terrible. My therapist doesn't laugh once.

No, that one's bombing in therapy. My inner thoughts. That's got to be a nightmare. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, what can you do, dude? What you can do, I, last night and today, so two collective hours over the last day and a half,

I've listened to a podcast explaining what NFTs and Bitcoin and cryptocurrency are. Yeah, what do you got for us? All right, let me throw this out there. So I don't know. Okay, I can see that. I have somehow in that two-hour span, now I know less about NFTs than I did. And this is where you might be able to help me with this

because I feel like NFTs and Bitcoin and all this crypto stuff, I feel like you're right in that sweet spot age-wise. Like most of the people that are talking about this are like early to mid 20s. They're billionaires somehow already. But the way they're explaining it, they're using the same,

and I'm not knocking the way you speak, but the same l're explaining it they're using the same and i'm not knocking the way you speak but the same lingo you use just about anything so like they'll be like yo uh anyway grip monkey this new thing i'm i'm putting out there jesus christ so they'll be like yeah anyway uh stank bank is this new coin i'm working on and shit's fire anyway and i was like wait that's your explanation is Is shit's fire? It is fire, to be fair. I mean, it's fucking, it's no cap. Oh, sorry, sorry.

No, it's lit. It's actually lit. Yeah, it's lit. It's either lit or it's fire. I don't know. Or it's a vibe. It could be a vibe. Vibecoin apparently might be a thing.

I don't know. Vibecoin lit. But I don't understand either of them. Do you at all? My understanding, let me run it by you've you've watched the video okay nfts are like you individualize the code so people like oh you could just duplicate it but you can't because it's like it's like how the the the the strokes of like picasso or picasso strokes and even if you did the same exact painting it's not technically the same and you know i give out strokes bro you know if i'm dames giving out stroke bro so i'm light bro

see this is how you're talking is how nft bros talk yeah what's up welcome to the to the culture corner this is us we're talking about nfts today johnny what you got into we saw and uh a lot of the homies been seeing you looking around NFT stuff. We just want to let you know you're too old. Yeah. It's embarrassing, bro. You're too old. I want in, but I don't.

You got a kid, bro. You got to pour hot sauce on your kid. Is my kid an NFT? I made that kid with a stroke. Instead of people pouring hot sauce on their kids. No more. Go away. Does it work this late?

It's a kid to turn drake's a terrible dad he's just flicking hot sauce at his kids like dad stop this worked before you were born maybe it still works now that's the weirdest episode of hot ones of all time it's just shriek fucking sean evans comes out of the side door of the hotel and he's like that was the bomb beyond insanity. He asked them a really specific question about his past. Yeah. Drake, in 1996 on a T-ball team, you said, I will be the greatest. When you said that, and then Drake's always like, man, I can't believe you dug that deep. Anyway, passed at the Basco.

So, yeah, and he just – it's ten different condoms laid out on a board board and they're just tasting the hot sauce from the condoms. It's all in his – he's just sucking his own dick. This one is about to get spicy. It's too spicy, bro. Yeah, NFTs. I don't know. I don't understand. But then the way that – the only thing that did make sense in this thing, the guy started explaining it like in terms of podcast.

He was like, look, you put out a product. So what we're putting out right now somehow is a product. It has people that listen to it. Technically, our listeners right now are the owner of this thing

because they've invested in it. They invested their time. It's been made public. NFT is basically just you're investing your money into that product, into that thing. So where he said he was like, everyone's like, it doesn't make sense. He's like, if you really think about it, the stock market doesn't make sense either. People fucking lose all their money to that every day, which I did. I'm sitting here in an AMC stock that is, I still don't understand how that works.

The stock market is a cycle of a snake eating itself. This is coming from a finance major. This is how I listen in one class, dude, and I have a girl. I used to, every time in college, talk to a girl, you're like, you know, the stock market is actually just a fucking snake eating itself. She's like, why are your pants down? And I'm like, do you want Tabasco sauce? Where's the hot sauce?

Also, I took a look in your fridge. I couldn't help but notice you have no hot sauce. Not yet. No, I'm just saying that to the girl. Well, I thought you were talking about mine. You're like, it's not in the fridge because I keep it in the nightstand. I keep it in my back pocket all the time. I say, these bitches are trifling.

What did I say? What are we talking about? NFTs, I don't know. I just don't understand them. Non-fungible toki pooh-poohs. Oh, fucking, yeah, the stock market, dude, it's a snake eating itself, bro, because it's just when you look at it through the right lens, which I imagine you haven't, you have to find the right lens. That's the problem.

I've been looking through the wrong lens the whole time. You've been looking. When you find that right lens, dude, and it clicks. That's an NFT. That's Matt's finance corner. I have a finance corner every episode. Well, what sucks with this too is like the person in my life that knew finance was my dad. He was a financial planner.

So he would explain all this stuff to me and like tell me what I should invest in when I was younger. Yeah. And then he's no longer with us. So now like – but I would have loved to have gone to him and like, dad, this is apparently investments. Now I'm just showing him a picture of a monkey jamming a banana in his ear. What the hell is that? It's like the nft and i'm like i don't know people are making but then what the guy explained on there too is they were like oh cool like so you have all this money from nfts you have all this bitcoin from

nfts how much like us dollars do you have and guys like man i just keep 300 in a checking account and i was like oh so literally this guy i've listened to for two hours explain a thing only has $300 to his name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then if I look on the opposite end, that guy is like this person has zero Bitcoin to his name. Right. Now, 10 years from now, I'm going to look like an asshole like out here with paper money. But I think a lot of people talk about it because they're like it's revolutionizing banking. It's removing big banks from like having a control and sense of money.

In 10 years, the government will have mandated and regulated Bitcoin and it will just be another currency like everything else. That was the one cool thing they did. Now, I just love – he started getting the conspiracy theory end of it is that Bitcoin is actually created by the US government. And they put it out there to see if this is a tangible thing. They're going to let everyone else kind of like screw it up and take out the good stuff out of it. It's like, yeah, everything is probably like that. They say like that the U.S. government put cocaine into neighborhoods, and there's a whole show of snowfalls about it. Put cocaine into Compton, and they were just like, let's see what this does.

Yeah. I would not be shocked. It makes sense. That's a lot of what this stuff is, the experimental aspects of fucking modern government. It's just take big populace of people and introduce a new thing and be like, let's see if they fucking kill each other.

Yeah, let's see if we can release a pandemic and see if it divides the country. Bitcoin fucking... Dude, I'll fight Fauci to death, dude. I respect him, but I'll kick his ass to death. He looks so easily fightable, too. So frail.

He'd be like, oh, you're hitting me so hard. He's gonna just get jacked. That's how he talks. Is he Jewish? I don't know. Fauci's Italian. I can see him being Jewish. Aren't Italian people just... Seriously, don't say it. Don't say, Fauci in a Jewish voice. Yeah. I'm gonna let you Jewish. A bunch of meanies. Aren't Italian people just loud and Jewish? Seriously, now say Fauci in a Jewish voice. Yeah.

Say it. I'm gonna let you do it so you can get canceled. Fauci. Yeah, now in an Italian voice. Fauci. There you go,

nailed it. Two perfectly Indian accents. Dude, I like Jewish people, not a big fan of the Itals. We've discussed that. I'm just looking up Drake lyrics

and trying to implement hot sauce into it. You're still going hot sauce into it. You gotta have one by now. It's been three hours. Well, instead of hot lime bling, it should be hot sauce sting.

Hot sauce sting. That wins. That's what you've done. That's the whole thing. I know when the hot sauce stings. That can only mean one thing that you ain't having, my baby.

My baby. You, you, you. I'm just trying to, I keep trying to think of, what was the first song that he came out with with Lil Wayne? Forever? Yeah, that, those. I'm just trying to, I keep trying to think of, what was the first song that he came out with, Lil Wayne? Forever?

Yeah, those are, I think, still his best lyrics. Last name ever, first name greatest? Yeah. Like a sprained ankle? Last name, red hot, first name Frank. Last name, you are. Wait, no, last name, father. First name, you are not. That's not it.

We can cut that, too. Yeah. That 31-minute one's got to go out. Anytime you hear a mess up in the audio, it's not our audio prowess. It's a joke not landing. No, I don't worry about landing jokes, dude. I just worry about, honestly,

letting the vibes out into the universe. Because we're so worried about these days with our you know our heads are buried in our phones and mcdonald's as soon as you got a real mic you turned into npr yeah that's where yeah thank you for tuning in hi welcome to the handsome idiots podcast i'm joined today by a good friend and a former co-host of a podcast we used to run together. That's none other than Mr. John Montag. John, how are you? Thanks for having me. It's been a pleasure to come into the studios today.

And by studios, I do mean the same leather sofa that you have that we've sat on for every episode. But such scholarly individuals such as ourselves, that's what's fucked up. We both have diplomas. Yeah, I was looking at it. I've been staying at my parents' house the past couple weeks and I see my diploma in my bedroom

is it framed yeah yeah well it's not it came in like a leather bound fucking thing so like my diploma

is next to it is next to three baseball hats for three baseball teams that I only played three games a piece for oh nice I tried to play baseball

as a kid it's nine total see I'm getting better at math yeah you're fucking really good at math dude I played some b-ball back in the day shooting outside of the school. And it's kind of funny that now that could be like shooting inside of the school.

I'll mark that too. 40 minutes, I'll cut that out as well. Yeah, the diploma was right next. My dad built a shelf. So it was next to like a signed Jody Meeks poster. I thought you were going to say it was just a shelf for just the diploma. No, that would be very nice. Oh, that's my diploma shelf.

He made room for where my theoretical master's degree would have went. Your law school degree. My law school, dude. Look, I could have made it in law school. I just got tired. I had to go to bed. I get tired of justice. One of my buddies went to law school and he started finger popping people's assholes.

So it's kind of probably not the best method. This is just going to keep narrowing it down. He was into it. You're talking to him. By the way, shout out. He listens to the pod. So shout out to Jason. Jason finger popping daddy.

Shout out to my buddy Jason finger pop. I don't know. Jason finger pop corn pop. Does he have a home? His parents. Nice. So he's homeless. I don't know. Jason Fingerpop Cornpop. Does he have a home? His parents. Nice. So he's homeless. Cool. New segue. I hate homeless people. Explain. Alright, so I'm going to put this

in two different categories. There are the homeless that are homeless. And then there's the other ones that definitely are not homeless. That are mean. No, not even mean. Well, this guy was mean. So yesterday, I was going to pick my mom from the airport because I'm a great son.

I also live the closest to the airport so I always get fucked and I have to pick everyone in my family up from the airport. Not even that close to it. Too nice to say,

no, we're very close. It's like 14 minutes. Yeah. So I'm getting off, about to get on to 95 South and there's a guy begging as they do. And I've actually given someone at this money before.

One time I used to work in that area. I bought a guy a whole box of Joe from Dunkin' Donuts. I was like, let me just give you this. It's really hot out, really cold out. I gave him a box of Joe and donuts because I was like, I'd rather do this than give you cash. I brought it over to him, and he was really appreciative. go do this and give you cash. Right. I brought it over to him and he was really appreciative.

This guy yesterday was walking in between the cars in a brand new Levi Strauss denim jacket. Sorry, corduroy jacket with a Sherpa collar. Oh, I have one of those. A nice hat and brand new shoes, which even if he just got them as like a donation, they were nice. Yeah. Very nice. So he's walking through and no one is like, not just acknowledging, no one's giving him money. Yeah. Very nice. So he's walking through and no one is, like, not just acknowledging, no one's giving him money. Yeah.

And I do appreciate, like, it made me think, like, it was very cold out, so maybe he really is down on his luck. But his sign said, like, homeless, anything can help, God bless. And then as he walked by and no one gave him money, he was like, bastards, bastards, fuck you guys. Fuck all you. Yeah. I was looking at him, I was like, you're not even homeless. Yeah. Like, you're just an asshole he's hopeful well the reason he might be homeless is because he was just a dick and everyone's like you can't stay here anymore yeah you can't live anywhere yeah he's like

making six figures yeah take your legal house and hit the street but yeah i don't know he was just and now i'm i've i'll give money to homeless people like I feel bad to them. Like if you entertain me. But like I do like when a homeless person – there's a guy outside of the electric factory. He would come up and when you're waiting in line to go to a concert, he had like a whole spiel. And he would be like, I'll take anything. I'll take a house card, credit card, a home key, blah, blah, blah. And he had like a rhyme. And then he would do like a backflip or something.

You're like, yeah, cool, man. Here's a dollar. That was cool. That's fun. Instead of just coming up and being like, I don't got anywhere to go. Yeah. There's nothing to really... Yeah, you hate fucking homeless people, though, dude. That's screwed up, man.

It's not hate. It's do better. You don't even think of them as down on their luck. Be homed. Be home. Be homeful. I was in Center City city one time i was uh taking my girlfriend to her apartment as i'm paying the parking meter a very large gentleman very clearly homeless comes up to me and he goes you know how to get to egypt and i went what and he went fuck it and then he walked away but he got i swear to god he got up like as close to

like i could feel his lips near my ear. And that's, you know how to get to Egypt? Egypt used to be a nightclub in Philly. Maybe he's just stuck in a loop in 1998. There's also Egypt, New Jersey. I can't find it. He could be looking for Egypt, New Jersey. They have good diners there. I think it's New Egypt, New Jersey, right? Which is hilarious. The little person

that goes there is like, damn it, I knew it was the wrong one. Where's old Egypt? Fucking, that's pretty, yeah. So he came, I had like, and I, this is what person that goes there is like damn it i i knew it was the wrong one where's old egypt fucking uh that's pretty yeah so he can't i had like and i this is what i started to implement because i used to go into her apartment a lot when we walk around center city i'm like i'll just if they don't look that terrifying i'll just try to out crazy homeless people so like we walked by the one guy and this one guy was just like and i just started going like you're just harmonizing with him.

He looks at me like, fucking weirdo, dude. Dude doesn't even know how to get to Egypt, bro. I know how to get to Egypt, dude. All right, give us directions to Egypt. Go. You go left across the globe. That was just it. Go left.

Is Egypt a country, though? Still? It is. I knew it. It is. Don't even ask me. You idiot. Yeah.

That's kind of cool, though. That Egypt is still a country? Well, that's like one of the cool countries that still sticks around. It's like Rome. Rome isn't even a thing anymore. The Egyptians beat Rome. They'd probably be stoked to hear that. Rome's a part of Italy, right?

But it's its own little bunch of Italian dudes. Gotta do a new thing there now now a bunch of guys and robes and fucking tall hats be be the boppity boop it in and around true i would i would have taken that sucks you went from the empire that ruled the world to now just a stop for girls in their early 20s that do a trip to italy i mean literally like, it is a small portion of Italy. It's a tiny little thing in southwestern Italy. Yeah. And then they used to be in... It's the Arizona of Italy now.

Dude, that's a bummer. It's Flagstaff. They just have hot college girls there. That's all they got. Imagine if Flagstaff took over the world and now they just sell turquoise jewelry. Dude, the Italians get to have way too much, man. We got to start taking from the Italians.

I'm doing a show in an Italian place tonight, and there's nothing I love more than a central to North Jersey Italian restaurant. Yeah, but it'll be a little more relaxed because now it's not intense. I see what you did there. Just jumping in for context, the show was originally supposed to be in a tent, but it has been sub 20 degrees the past four nights. I can go for a sub. I think I'm going to get a primo sub.

I really do hope I'm paid in pizza tonight. That would probably be the most lucrative thing we can get. Do you get a full pie? I'm actually not mad at that whatsoever. I would take a full pie. I shouldn't say that because there might be someone that books comedy shows. They're like, John, we're going to pay you $100, but you said on a podcast full pies. You drive a

soft bargain. Also, it's DiGiorno. It's uncooked. You ever had a DiGiorno before? Yeah. Are they actually good? DiGiorno's very good. There's not many bad frozen oven pizzas. We eat cauliflower pizza all the time. Yeah, that's pretty good. I'm not mad at that.

And my friend that will listen to this who has a shout out, if anyone has any backyard party pizza making needs, Cheesus Crust is the way to go. Pretty incredible name. Great name. He makes incredible pizza. But he will shit on me for saying that the cauliflower pizza is good. And it's good in that it's one of our meals throughout the week.

It's a staple in our house. It's easy to make. And you don't feel as bad after eating it no i don't think there's anything wrong it's it's uh i will i will say if you put it up against a dijon you probably don't notice the difference of a oven pizza i'm not putting it up against like a delicious pizza from a pizzeria yeah big difference but most of the time you're eating an oven pizza you're not in a comfortable state of mind you know what I put on my oven pizza every single time? Tell me right now, dude. Hot sauce. Oh, yeah, dude.

So basically, I'm drinking. Dude, I treat my pizzas like condoms, dude. Keep them plastic and slick. Don't eat pizza. And rib. We had a microwave. Me and the old roommate had a microwave. No, an oven pizza a little while back.

What brand? Talking Red Baron? Red Baron. Red Baron's a good pizza. DoorDash, that bad boy. Thick, like a real thick crust. You just doorDashed a frozen pizza when you could have just ordered a pizza. Well, it was late in that it was early.

It was so late it was early. One of those type of setups. And everyone was closed. There's still pizza. it was early. One of those type of setups. And everyone was closed. There's still pizza. Well, I'll tell you, this is a real fiasco we had. I ordered from Mickey Diesel's and I got it,

it would just say a driver's car. This is not going to be the next story. Do you remember? What's your McDonald's go-to? If I'm inebriated, which is the only time I door dash an order, spicy chicken Sandy Boy. One time I added two chicken things to it,

and I just really was in way over my head. Spicy Chicken Sandy Boy, a little quarter pounder with swag. You know your boys... I'm going to guess swag is cheese. That's exactly right. Two little chocolate chip cookie poopies, and then I get an Oreo McDiesel.

And I eat it all in one night, and then I lay down in bed immediately after, sad with acid reflux and I go to sleep. See, what you got to do is this is the 30 plus game. You eat a Prilosec

knowing. What you do is right before you put the pizza in the oven, you're going to go ahead and eat that Prilosec. You throw a pry in real quick? I like to pry before I buy. You richard prion i richard pryor all over the place yeah my wife does not like how much i use the unworked yeah you're like i haven't even started the acting yeah i sec it up i prilosec it up uh i had that was like one of my early bits in comedy i had a joke about taking prilosec that tells you how my comedy career is going say it a bit uh oh so it was like uh in my in my early like in my teens i got really into playing guitar and

on my guitar uh case there was a bunch of stickers and it was always like mirroring whatever i was into at that time so like when i was younger it was like punk rock like black flag minor threat like fuck authority yeah but now it's things that i'm really into, like Pryla Sack. That's good. And getting to bed on time. I'm not mad at that. I forget what the tagline was. It was like...

I forget what it was. It was like, so I went from fuck the man to fuck, I got heartburn. Fuck, man. That's pretty funny. And that was the first and second show I ever did. I was so proud of that joke. That's pretty good. And that was like the first and second show I ever did. I was so proud of that joke. That's pretty good. I'm not mad at that.

Yeah. Hey. I had an ordering pizza. And I still, guess what? Still eating Prilosec. Still waiting for a sponsorship from Prilosec. We're working on it. We've been in contact with their marketing team.

True. And it's still a little flabby. I like the flavor ones, so when they hit your tongue, they're enjoyable. What with the fucking, we were housing Tums for a little while dude. Yeah and then I found out that if you eat Tums

you don't poop. Yeah you're making no dicks. For some reason I thought it was the opposite. I thought Tums made you poop poo. Yeah. But I was just early episodes of this

you hear me shaking that bottle around. You can hear it. I was eating them like candy they're like Mentos. We both I mean I got involved in the game for a little bit myself.

They were so delicious. I had to go to I checked into a 30 day rehab. I didn't shit for a month. They told me I was Tum diddly umptious and I was like that's no good that's no good for a little bit myself. They were so delicious. I had to go to I checked into a 30 day rehab. I didn't shit for a month. They told me I was tum-diddly-umptious and I was like that's no good.

That's no good for me and my family. It was bad. You told me I got tum-butt? People started to worry about us. Dude, why? I mean, not that I'm

working right now. You're not. It's the lunch cast. I'm going to pick up my child soon. It's the longest lunch cast of all time. Oh, we were going

to talk about it. I went to Monday Night Raw. Yeah, how'd that go? It was fucking incredible. It was everything you wanted it to be. I didn't want anything from it. time oh uh we were gonna talk about i went to uh monday night raw yeah how'd that go i was fucking incredible it was everything you wanted it to be it was uh i didn't want anything from it what's that i didn't want anything from it but whatever everybody else i wasn't buying souvenirs i bought my nephew so i brought my nephew he's nine years old his first uh pro wrestling event yeah and uh his his dad was gonna go he couldn't so we ended up selling off one of the tickets

online which uh shout out to sea. It sold in like three minutes. I put it on there and I looked and I was like, oh, I didn't even do it right. It's not on there anymore. And then I got an email. It's like, your ticket just sold. Holy shit. Which was weird though because I sold one ticket. And the type of person that's buying one wrestling ticket the day of, I was very nervous of what I was going to be sitting next to.

Yo, I can't imagine. The guy ended up being cool. He got it. He ended up, there was empty seats, so he put a buffer between him and our party. Yeah. It'd be funny if your brother-in-law did go. He just didn't want to sit with you guys. He wanted to enjoy the night for himself.

He's ringside. We just see him on TV. He just watched my kid. He was in one of the matches. Yeah. No, so we went in. It was great. The people watching is second to none. We're waiting in line. You have to have proof of va matches. No, so we went in. It was great. The people watching

is second to none. We're waiting in line. You have to have proof of vax because it's in Philadelphia and it's a major event. So it was me, my nephew,

and my friend went along with us, also named John. Shout out to him. Shout out. So we both had our vax cards because, you know, we trust pharmaceutical companies.

Yes, thank you, Pfizer. Thank you, Pfizer. Also, I just want to go in places. I don't care at this point. You don't give a shit, Pfizer. Thank you, Pfizer. Also, I want to go in places. I don't care at this point. You don't give a shit, dude. But the guy in front of us, he was making an agenda out of it.

Now, he had over his shoulder what I can only assume was a $450 WWE heavyweight title belt. Like, the real deal thing. So he had been looking forward to this forever. This was his night. He probably called off work the next day because he was like, I'm going to get a little loose. Yeah, why not? They were checking his Vax card

and they were like, you only have one shot. He's like, yeah, it says on there I've got to be Vaxed. The guy's like, the security guard, who is just a security guard at an arena. He doesn't know anything. He's like, no, you have to be fully vaxxed. So watching a security guard who's just working for an hourly rate and a guy who just wants to go see Edge versus The Miz argue about the definition of fully vaxxed.

Yeah. But we just stood there and just watched. I'm just like holding my vax card up. I'm like, can I just please go in? I was like, oh, wait. Is this the first match? I didn't realize it was an anti-Vaxer match on this card. That's pretty sick.

It was not. They told him, you have to go around the building. You could get a test at your building. I was like, come on. I was like, look around. Everyone in here has COVID. You either have it or you're acquiring it in that exact instant. So we got in.

We went up. We got to the souvenir stand. And my nephew, it's funny, he's like – he's nine years old. So he's still in between like becoming like a dude and he's still a little kid at the same time. Right. So I was like, hey, man, get whatever you want. I'll get it for you. It'll be awesome.

I just want you to get something that you enjoy. So there's a little stuffed figure of Rey Mysterio. And it was a little eight-inch tall stuff. And he's like, I want that. And I was like, do you? And he looked at me. He's like, oh, I don't know. Do I?

Like his little kid brain saw a stuffed animal thing. I want that. And I was like, what do you think about a title belt? Because they have the toy version, like $35. And he was like, do you think about like a title belt because they have like the toy version like 35 bucks and he was like oh yeah that's pretty awesome too and i watched him have to decide yeah and i think part of he moved on from part of his childhood that day because he was like i'll take the belt yeah we're done stuffed animals we've arrived yeah i've arrived at hard plastic things which you're not allowed to call it a belt. It's a WWE thing.

They call it a title. Yeah, I would never do that. So dumb. Yeah, I apologize for that. So he's holding the belt, because that's what it is. He's holding it up over his head. He's so excited. He's like showing it whenever I put him on.

Like I took pictures, sent them to my sister and stuff. He's like showing it off. The next day, they rewatched the episode. And he's in the living room doing the moves, wearing the belt. So I was like, fuck yeah. I did a great uncle thing here. That's incredible, dude. I love taking up the stuff.

It was awesome. So on top of that, the other good deed I was trying to do was, so I sold off the one ticket, but I still had the printed out paper version. Right. I was like, I'll still bring this in. Maybe I can do something where I can give it to somebody. Maybe I can do something where I can give it to somebody. Saw that – I was actually listening to Dad Me podcast, and our buddy LaMare Lee said that he was going to be there doing a free seat filling thing. That was on the comedy page on Facebook, the Philly comedy page.

Right. So you could go for free, but you had to do a seat fill, and they would just keep moving you around the arena. So what I did was I took that extra ticket, met Lemaire down at a snack stand. He showed up wearing a full-length black trench coat, basically. Fuck, yeah, he did, dude. Just looking like big old Morpheus. I was waiting for him to just have a red pill and a blue pill in his hands. He had a, this sounds racist. Just a pile of sex in his hand.

He just had a chicken sandwich in his pocket, too. Which means nothing. Everybody can enjoy one, dude. And we all did. I had some chicken sandwich in his pocket. Which means nothing. Everybody can enjoy one, dude. We all did. I had some chicken fingers that were incredible. We thought it was going to be this elaborate plan. I was like, alright man, I'll give it to you and you just walk in and act like you're in there. Maybe they'll scan it

and we'll just come up with a story. No one even checked. I think I could have walked into the ring and maybe wrestled. You probably should have, very honestly. Promote the pod a little bit. Well, that's what was so funny. There is, if anyone is a wrestling fan in this or just saw on social media,

about a month ago, Seth Rollins, WWE wrestler, was leaving the ring, and some guy just came out and tackled him, a fan, and started fighting him. Yeah. That guy looked exactly like LeMaire. He just said he snuck out. What I thought was, and Lemaire's gotten it from a million people, but when I saw Lemaire in the full trench coat, I was like, oh, he's got ring wrestling gear underneath that trench coat,

and at some point he's just going to throw it off, and he's going to dash for the ring and fight Seth Rollins again. So I had like one and a half beers, and they were big ones. Sure. Boo's brain was just kind of side-eyeing LaMera the whole time. Like, is he going to make a move? Am I going to be on an Instagram story because I snuck somebody into the club box? Which, that's the way to do it.

Get in any event there. Basketball, hockey, wrestling. Oh, I didn't realize you had a club box. The club box. And it's not... When I tell people that they're like, ooh, fancy. It was cheaper than sitting realize you had a club box. The club box. And it's not, when I tell people that they're like, ooh, fancy, it was cheaper than sitting on the next level down,

like the lower level. Yeah, you want to be close, I guess. And you get your own bar, your own bathroom. You can order food and have it delivered right to your aisle. Oh, yeah, dude. And it was cheaper than sitting down lower.

So you're not in like an actual box seat. No, no, it's not like the private one. There's like three or four rows of chairs and you're like. Yeah, there's essentially a section in the box. Yeah, I've sat in them before. It's incredible. So fun.

It's great for Sixers games. And then also if it's a boring game, you can just go up to the bar and stand around with your friends and drink. I was at a Sixers game in those seats, and there was a Sixers-Celtics game of the 2018-2019 season, and there was a drunk Celtics fan behind me that started flicking my ear. It was also LeMaire. It was LeMaire. He was a white guy. He's very versatile. He does a lot of range. He was flicking your ear?

Yeah. He flicked my ear because he kept like... You're so bullyable. I'm really not. I'm bully... Nah. Not with all this tism I'm fucking hoarding in my brain. I was sitting

in the thing and I was just getting like visibly frustrated about the game and he was like hammered and enjoying it yeah and then eventually

he would like lean closer to my ear closer to my ear and then eventually like I kind of noticed it and I couldn't really tell if it was actually if he was just like

being an idiot and then eventually he like went like that and I said I had some choice words for the young man turns out it was his tongue that was flicking your ear

he's like relax it's just a game baby hey in the end we're still together yeah I was with my old girlfriend and I was like you mind if I kiss him

on the lips yeah she's like I wish you would so fucking Raw was sick though Raw was very fun and it it is

it's pure entertainment it also it's weird too though because you don't realize how quiet and how much downtime there is like if you're watching it on TV it's weird too, though, because you don't realize how quiet and how much downtime there is. If you're watching it on TV, it's constant action. Yeah.

But when they go to a commercial, they just kind of get each other at a headlock and just go back and forth until the commercial break comes back. And then they're flipping off the ropes again. Yeah. But it was all the pyrotechnics and everything. It's almost like the actual wrestling match part was the most boring part of it. Yeah. But all like the getting to see like Brock Lesnar in person. That guy is an absolute monster.

He's going to be enormous. Oh, he had a sick knock-knock joke too. So he came out. Oh, boy. Oh, gee. They're putting us out of work. So they started. It was him and this guy, Bobby Lashley.

They're in a new feud. And they're in the ring. They're both terrible at cutting promos. They each have like their own like manager that cuts them for him. Yeah. So they're doing terrible at cutting promos they each have like their own uh like manager that cuts them for him yeah so they're doing it themselves though and uh bobby lash is like aha that was so funny i didn't know you were a comedian he's like you know what we have to do next time you're doing your comedy act i'll be front row cheering you on because you're a better comedian than you are a wrestler bam so then yeah terrible burn not, that's fucking sick and hot.

Then Brock Lesnar goes, oh, you want to hear it? He goes, I'm not just funny, I'm also money. That falls flat. Gets no reaction. Surprising. Then he goes to his manager, Paul Heyman, who's like a Philadelphia wrestling legend. He goes, hey, Paul, knock, knock.

And the guy, Paul Heyman, comes up and he goes, Brock Lesnar doing a knock, knock joke in Philadelphia. I thought I've seen it all. That's good. That's fun. And he's like, all right, Mr. Lesnar, who's there? And he's like, Bobby. And he's like, all right, Bobby who? And Brock Lesnar goes, exactly.

To which the whole crowd just starts chanting, Bobby who? Bobby who? And I was like, damn, that's a great knock, knock joke. To which the whole crowd just starts chanting, Bobby who? Bobby who? And I was like, damn, that's a great knock-knock joke. So it would be like – Who's Bobby who? Bobby Lashley is the guy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Exactly.

There it is. He's a nobody. Dude, fucking – And the whole crowd goes nuts. And I was just like, man, I sit down for weeks and try to write a bit that is so intricate and thoughtful and it's like literally i think you can go up at a show and just do knock knock jokes hey man look i haven't written a joke in 15 years and it's you know things are okay let's just become knock knock i'll be a knock knock comedian i'll try it tonight uh show him on and you can be a

prop comic i could do that you can be carrot top 2. I can do that. You can be Carrot Top 2.0. Yeah, yeah. He's got to die at some point, right? I just saw him with Joe Rogan. Yeah, Carrot Bottom. Whoever wrote that joke is a genius. Credits to Johnny Matzoball for Carrot Bottom, dude. But who ended up – who ended up – You know what it was?

It's the Raven Lounge. I love it. It's a great spot. It's a young man's room. They didn't really – they just saw – They couldn't see the – they didn't understand the wisdom. They saw me in my slacks. Yeah, dude.

They saw you in like your – I wore slacks there last week and beat Jamie Pappas in Rose Battle though. Yeah. What were your jokes? So what do you got coming up? Well, I don't want to get your penis in a bunch, but I might have a very cool thing via an Instagram message just received. Very, like,

to the point where I am having a hard time focusing. I'm opening for Louis C.K. tonight. I am Louis C.K. tonight. Oh my god. Yeah, tonight, for one night. One night only. That's my Louis C.K. impression. He wiped his brow. You know that bit about how Louis wipes his brow?

That's one he talks about. The only one I can think of involves. Is it something you can plug right now on news or not? No. All right, listener. That's what we call a dick tease. Matt's about to put the hot sauce and the condom on this one. But I will say this. I'll be at 3-3's Brewing Company in Hamilton on Friday.

I was supposed to be in the Poconos at – can't even think of the venue. I want to pull up because I do feel bad. I'm not going to be able to do that due to some things going down. It's at Shawnee Craft Brewing Company in the Poconos. So go to that. All my buddies are still on. It'll be a fun show.

And I want to see who they replace me with and if they're much funnier than me. That'd be pretty funny. And then oh, here's a pretty cool little, another tease. I will be doing, I believe, my first headlining gig. I'll be doing a headlining gig in Elmer, New Jersey at 55 Chestnut Street. I don't know what the name of the location is, but I'll be doing 2025. Sounds like a house in Elmer. Yeah, so I might be getting murdered there.

And then the other thing, I might have a cool thing to promote thereafter. What do you got there, you big piece of dog shit? I got excitement to hear about what this thing is as soon as we – and I'm probably going to spoil it and just put it in here anyway. If it's underwhelming, I would be bummed, but I don't think it will be underwhelming. All right, as long as I do it. I have – it doesn't matter because this is coming out. They're recording the day it is, but I don't think it'll be on the wrong. All right, as long as I do it is. I have, it doesn't matter because this is coming out, they're recording the day it is,

but I'll be up in Freehold tonight. It changed to the Metropolitan Cafe. I'm a very metropolitan man, they're saying these days. Yeah, I've seen it. So I'll be there. And then the 21st in Media, Pennsylvania with Peggy O'Leary for her Slainte at Sligo show. I'll be there.

And I'm not going to mess up the people this time. Wait, what date is it? Because I'm vamping. It is the 21st of January. We've got the Sixers game, the 25th. They're a big team. Oh, is that when the – I meant to ask you when the reschedule is. Yeah, I'm pretty sure, yeah.

Okay. And that's headliner Keith Purnell, amazing comic. Very funny. NBC Last Comic Standing. He's on Sirius Radio. Sarah Bell, helium comedian. She's very, very funny. She's in New York as well.

Open for Chris DiStefano. Hilarious comedian, Dan Madden. I love Dan. And this guy, John Montagu. Taguio. Montagu. From the Handsome Idiots podcast. Yeah.

I heard he puts... So is that... I think that's all I got. Oh, High Note will be back High Note open mic will be back next Wednesday the 19th I believe it is so get out there, be funny, have fun

let's do the damn thing we're trying to get them to give us the weekly show back so if you're listening to this and you're a comedian get out there, buy stuff, tip this time because apparently two mics ago the bartender barely got tipped. Oh, shit. We are all poor so that's one thing. But I will say

this before we head out. Look, take your liberal muzzles off. Don't let Joe Biden tell you what you can and can't do. If you want to go to a Buffalo Wide Wings, he has no business telling you whether or not that's allowed. God, man. I just think a lot of the way that the liberal media controls the narrative of the united states Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter

Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam, Bantam No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter