That Rules Podcast - Ep #69: Mike Rainey & Ryan Shaner “Good T!ts In a Casket”

Episode Date: December 20, 2022

https://www.onpercs.com/store GO ORDER MIKE RAINEY’S NEW BOOK “ON PERCS” right now!!! We are honored to be joined by Mike Rainey (@mikerainey82 DadMeat, Lil’ Stinkers, On Percs) and Ryan Shaner (@shanercobbedy the End Podcast w/ Ryan Shaner) as our 69th episode guests!!! Just turn it on and listen to the fellas absolutely cook!

Nothing is you but anybody under 30 I'm like you fucking douchebag every everybody under 30 I'm like you look like a fucking I'll you, it's really fun to watch everyone have that assumption on Matt, and then Matt will either prove them wrong or just solidify their opinion. Yeah, there's no middle ground. I love just sitting back and watching it now. It's like one of my favorite things. I'm just like, man, this guy's been in there leaving. They're like,

you know what? He's actually a really good guy. And then someone else is like, I'm going to fucking hit that guy with my car next time I see him. Ry, is there something that you own that you only wear inside the house? A dashiki. Really? No. Yeah, it's a beautiful garb.

You would look good. I honestly think about doing that. I was like, if I just had one for the house, just walking around, no one could be like, what the fuck? I'd be like, no, it's my house. This is my robe. They do look comfy as fuck. When I saw the Democrats all wearing them, whatever,

remember that little bit of gear? Yeah, when Nancy Pelosi put the cannons in a fucking dashiki, I was like, good God, a puff. Her tits are fucking sick. Yeah, you can put Murlap over a good pair of heavy tits. Yeah, it doesn't matter. Big tits really doesn't matter what's going on. If you just got big tits in anything,

it's like, damn, dude. Even if they're not good, it's going to stop everyone to at least examine. Somebody's going to bring them up, good or bad. Somebody's talking about your big old boobies. You ever seen Good Tits in a Casket? I've never. Look, I'm just saying, I've never seen Good Tits in a Casket.

Is that a breakfast at Denny's? Oh, you're all in the moons over Miami? I'll take Good Tits in a Casket. Good Tits in a Casket. I just had moons over Miami last week. Let me I'll take good tits in a casket. Good tits in a casket. I just had moons over Miami last week. Let me go with the big tits in a casket. Make it inside a Grand Slam on those tits, please. You choose the size of the meal off of the cup size.

Oh, yeah. Can I get a D cup cheesy tits, please? Denny's waitress is a 70-year-old with big tits. She's like, it's going to be me soon, baby. Dude, you know it, dude. I'm getting there. I've been to a couple funerals, not to brag, and I've never seen

big titties in a casket. That does have to be. Do you think they lose? You know how they will fluff up a face after someone dies? They have to prop a tit up too, right? Oh, there's got to be titty props. I know they put foam things in people's mouths so it doesn't cave in and make you look like you're

alive. Dude, I imagine the guy that's working on the body, you would be drunk with power if you're inflating tits and you're just like, alright, these look good. These can be bigger. Let me see what I can do. But you know there's been a guy also who's gone too far and lost a job. He's just like, yeah, yo!

He just blowed up a little bit. We actually can't close the casket now. She's got to be buried in an open casket Because her tits are so big They tie a string to her She's floating above the church Like check her out I'd love to see a casket

Where the shape of the casket Also goes along with the tits Oh dude Fucking voluptuous casket Also a good band name Great band name Voluptuous casket On tour dude

I'm telling you Diane's coughing Slowly getting lowered into the ground And the last thing you see is her tits. Dude, they start burying it. It's just the tits above the shirt. There it is. We dug it six feet deep.

We didn't factor in the tit mound. Those titties are... Tit mound's pretty good, dude. But I just always think about that, too. What Mike was saying, it's like a mortician has got to be like just like I could do anything I want yeah you're it's you're truly playing out yeah like it but you know what would be great is if you found out that mortician was also moonlighting as a tattoo artist and like but you find out later there

should be like an apprenticeship program like you don't want to tattoo on everyone like on you live humans tattoo on a dead part like fresh dead but they're going to be wearing a suit so you never see it. But then later you find out, this guy gets exposed, like, he did my grandfather's funeral. It's like your grandfather's thug life on his fucking stomach or some shit. Kind of relative to this, I was thinking about what I want to do with my body when I die. And how cool would it be to donate your body to a group of necrophiliacs? Yeah, true. The boys are thinking, all right, we constantly have to sneak

around to get what we normally want, but it's just like you get gifted a man like this. Yeah. A 44-year-old man who's kind of overweight and is just willing to let you do whatever you want to do with his body. You get that tattooed on your belly before you die,

so you're like, no rules, boys, get after it. You should get a bunch of targets tattooed on your stomach. It's like, shoot here, 50 points, 30 points. You turn yourself into a skee-ball machine. You dick's the ramp. There's a sex organ donor on your fucking license. Dude, that would be fucking... I often thought about how funny it would be to get like

if you have the money, you can do whatever you want. And we were just talking about money getting corrupted and stuff like that. But if I had billions of dollars, the shit I would do just for myself would be great. And one thing I would do is I would get my license but have an organ donor but just my dick. It would just specify

that it was just my penis. Don't take anything out just this big schlong. Put it on somebody. You're a organ donor at that point. We got to get that schlong on ice. Supplying your dick to Nashville. And there's some kid

in a waiting room waiting. He's been patiently waiting on a big penis. Surrounded by Make-A-Wish people. John Cena's there. Make a dick more like it, dude. Dude, if John Cena came to give a kid a dick... You see just Cena like... I would say right now your dick's so small that I really can't see it.

We're going to change that to Highlight. Move that dick. Little Timmy, you lost your dick in a diabetic related incident. We got together. We made yours a double wide. Here you go, buddy. Now that we're talking about kids and dicks,

how often do you think kids lose dicks in accidents? Lose dicks in accidents? There's got to be some statistic we can look up. Wasn't there, I mean, just botched circumcisions that lead to MRSA and stuff alone, right? Did you ever hear, and this is a

real fucking thing. So this was like in the 19, I think 30s or 40s. So this is back when they were experimenting with circumcision and trying to have it be hands-free ahead of the time. And what they did is they put this almost like a heating rod. Bobbing for foreskin.

On this. I love the idea they needed hands-free because the doctors were like, ew, gay. It's free. It's like a crane. Pull it up. Give me a dollar. It's a claw machine.

The claw machine circumcision. It's like, how many times do you miss? He's like, you fucking idiot. But apparently, they heated up this coil to burn off the foreskin. Unfortunately, some rookie fucking circumcised fucking left the room and it burnt off this child's penis completely. So then they completely cut

off the testicles and they did an early sex reassignment surgery and they told them to like, it's a girl now, raise it as a girl. Oh, shit. Unfortunately, that girl still went through puberty like a boy and had all these questions. It was this crazy thing. In a time where you can't have any thoughts that aren't the norm.

And it's like there has to be more than one person. That was brought to light. I could only imagine how many people are fucking up circumstances. There's so many parents that come to pick up their kid and like, Tommy, we lost him. He's just out the back door. We have no clue where he is. It's the craziest story to explain to a girl why you have a small dick.

It's like, actually, he actually burnt my dick off as a kid. Are you familiar with dick coils? I was actually supposed to be a girl. I'm actually a cool-ass girl.

It's not a big deal, dude. Yeah, I'm just the coolest girl. I'm just actually a really cool girl, dude. Could you imagine a doctor's like, look, you don't have a boy anymore,

but you do have the sweetest chick. She's going to be awesome, dude. No questions. You got a fat clit, dude. Could you imagine? Doc's like, look, you don't have a boy anymore, but you do have the sweetest chance. You have that. She's going to be awesome, dude. No questions. You got a fat clit, lady. She's got the fattest clit in the world. Just a monster truck.

And balls. Real great. Great to hear a clit. She was born on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Coming out with that huge ass clit. You made for the that whole clip but you're only gonna need the edge dude i would love dude i don't what's the biggest clip you ever seen in your life oh like in person yeah so i had a weird i had a weird job i think you can relate to you were in like the same vein i had a weird job I worked in operating rooms for a while. I saw way too many old

genitalia of both sides. The biggest takeaway, you see, it wasn't even like the clit was huge. It was just the amount of surgical residents it took to find some ladies' vaginas that were older, heavy ladies, or the size of balls on dudes.

Dude, balls get big. It's crazy. Balls get wild. Those are trick balls. We're the real ones. I am impressed, but we're the real ones, pal. This is my balls. Trick balls actually. It does suck, though. It's like ears and balls are the

two things that just keep going. I thought it was ears. I think noses get bigger, too, and then your balls just fucking balloon. You're it was its ears. I think noses get bigger too. And then your balls just fucking balloon. So you're just one of those dudes with a fucking bald nose and just fucking two can of balls. See, that's also how my casket would be. Just this big thing at the other end.

It's like, what's up? It's like a mountain range. It's like, what is that? It's like, that's grandpa's balls, dude. They're huge. If you read the last will and testament of Ryan Shainer, it says, make sure my balls are out in the casket that's it that's all it's on here my testicle

men would be fucking great my last will and testicle like dude read it all but i yeah i mean i've only seen one clit where i was like that yeah is big and how big was it it was so big

no it looked like a like a like a smaller version of jimmy durant he was so big. It looked like a smaller version of Jimmy Durante's nose. It was fucking just like a hot cha-cha-cha. The thing is... Did you get penis envy from this clit? What I did, I got intimidated. When you see a big clit, most people are like, oh man, that's crazy.

Part of me was like, oh, this is going to be easier to stimulate. Finding the clit on some people is impossible. You man, that's crazy. But part of me was like, oh, this is going to be easier to stimulate. Finding the clit on some people is impossible. You accidentally find it on her. This was like the moon at night. I was like, there it is. I know exactly where it is. Controlling the tides of my love, the moon at night.

It was. She got a tidal wave of calm. That's right. But I remember being like... It's a pooter eclipse. Yeah. If you think I haven't been practicing puns knowing we got Mike Rady coming on, you have to be on point with Rady.

He will bury you with puns. We got 68 episodes of me bombing with terrible puns. I had to step my games off for this. That's how it goes. But I did think... I was like, I have to really... Maybe because it's bigger. It needs more stimulation.

So like at one point in time, dude, I was going down or I was like yelling. I was like, I was going full grind. I was like, I want you to open this clip. This is a job for a cowboy. Their new song was like circle. I was like, circle glint. Come on. Like a speed bag. I was losing it, but like

later everything seemed to go well. Everyone seemed mostly satisfied, but I did think it was crazy because later, because I didn't see her walking around in her underwear. I just took her pants off and there it was. But later, when she put her panties back on, there was an obvious...

Beyond mound. It was like, oh, fuck, that just looks like the tiniest wiener in... Einhorn is a man. Now, do you think it would be worse if you saw it in person first or if you felt it in the dark first? What do you think would be a worse reaction? So that would be, I don't know how I would get off. Because there's, that's funny you bring that up. Because one time I went on a Tinder date and I swear to God, and I don't know how I know, and I don't know what it was.

We went on a Tinder date, we matched, she was beautiful. Go to a bar, everything is, this date couldn't be going more smooth you know we start talking we start like getting close i'm like oh i'm gonna fucking plant one on this chick we start kissing as soon as i do i'm like this is a guy wow i was like this is a guy i don't know i don't fucking know and then like we stopped making out and i didn't make anything weird i was like okay and continued talking she went to the bathroom i'm like nah dude what the fuck is wrong with you like this is everything's fine you're just weird you're like maybe you're drunk you're like what's going on meanwhile you saw her walking to the

i was gonna say yeah i also saw her adjust her huge cock i'm like there but what is this but she went to the bathroom she came back we continue today we were there for another like 20 minutes we go out front of the bar and like we're she's getting about to get in car she's like i have work in the morning blah blah blah we make out one more time and like in my head i'm like that was just a fluke whatever dude we kiss another like this is a fucking dude. Yeah. And I don't know. And I really do not know how I know. Was it that your mustaches went together like Velcro?

Honestly, it was probably just because you were hanging out with her and having a good time. I think that might have been it. True. I'm like, oh, shit. I can only have fun with guys. Yeah, dude. And it was weird. Her knowledge of pro wrestling from the 90s is fucking on point.

I could see myself really spending the rest of my life with this girl. She knew all about the Godwins and the slop drop. I was like, how do you not only dudes know that shit? Sorry, Ryan. I got to get up for work early. What do you do? Concrete. If she was like, my rebar is getting a little bit weird,

I'd be like, oh, shit. Go on a date with the girl. It's like, oh, no. What do you do for a living? Concrete. That's the best. What do you do for a living? Concrete. What do you do for a living? Chicks. That's what I do.

It's actually the first woman-owned concrete company. We call it Cuntcrete. Kind of trendsetters. Concrete LLC, dude. The only thing I bring with us are will and clits. We cannot fucking fail. But yeah, that was... I just remember...

Did you just let it fade away? She got in her car and drove off. And I was like, that... And then I remember going back in the bar. I'm like, what the fuck? You start to notice any other signs? No, no. And that was the thing, too.

I kept going through So I went back and looked at the pictures I'm like, is there anything that I was missing? There was nothing in the profile that said trans Or anything like that And I was like, what was that? And I was talking to my buddy Luke Who's a bartender

And he's like, dude, she was fucking hot I'm like, yeah You ever been kissing the hottest chick in the world? And like, yeah, she's got a dick And he was like, what? I was like, I think that was a guy. He's like, no way. And then he left and came back.

He's like, yo, what if that was a dude? I'm like, well, then I kissed. I violently made out with a guy. That was the thing, too, is when we started kissing, I wasn't like, I was like, oh. I was like, all right. I was like, yeah, let's push this to the limit. And I was like, this is definitely, my was like yeah let's push this to the limit and I was like this is

I definitely my tongue is in it man you were getting competitive because it was another man when you kiss another man aggressively he's gonna match your

aggressive eventually you're holding on to the table as you kiss I'll tell you one thing my dick was going over the top I turned it around a hat appears out of nowhere

dude I went home and I jacked. I was like, all right. Over the way. Chalking up. Dude. Chalking up the jerk, dude. His elbow's not on the table. He's just like.

What a wild fucking thing. His dick is the thing you use to counter. It was crazy because her. He's sitting in his truck. I should have known because her IG name was Lincoln Cock. That's another overtop reference. I don't know if you guys got that.

Doing this for my kid. You never got confirmation about what the... Never did. We only had one date and then she stayed in Philadelphia for a month. We were chatting and then she moved to California. I was like, I'll never know. The thing is, I also

don't want to know. It's not because I'm like, oh my God. I'm like, you know what? If I didn't know and this person was comfortable with being like, I'm a she. I guess you are. That was whatever issues were with me.

I have no idea. I have no idea. That's kind of fun. Leave it open-ended. Yeah, I'm fucking fine with never going back into that chapter. It's interesting too, because I mean, you have enough of a big enough like online and public presence that like you've probably gone across their bandwidth at some point.

I mean, I could only hope. She's like, yeah, that was a guy I bamboozled. She's like, that's a girl I made out with that looked like a dude. She's laughing. She's on a podcast in California right now going, I met this guy that was definitely a girl. I just felt it as soon as we started.

He was definitely a she. Best stash I've ever seen on a trans person ever. Dude, and that's the thing too. I remember going back. I did that thing where you can zoom in on pictures. I was like, there's got to be something here. Zooming into the crotch looking for the outline.

Dude, I was waiting and nothing arose. No pun intended. You take care of it. Put a little porn search on the way home. It's a weird porn search. It's Shercock Holmes, dude. But it's the size With my magnified. But it's the size of my whole face.

With those pith helmets on that he wore. God damn. Damn, you kissed a guy for sure. I mean, like certainly a guy. I probably did. I don't know. But that's fun. And that's good.

But the funny thing is, too, is like, too is like I used to Del Calo and I every now and again when Lump was in the room Del Calo and I would be bro hugging and we'd kiss on the lips real quick and it would make Lump so mad. He's like, God, dude, fuck! And we're like, what? He's like, I don't got no problem with gay people

but I know y'all ain't gay. Y'all just doing it to piss me off. This is how we say hello now, dude like i like i've kissed i've kissed a few dudes i don't think i could ever make out with a dude that's the whole thing is like i don't think i could and that was like i was like did i just because you're never gonna top what you had no i don't think i could and you know she was a good kiss well that leads to our newest segment of uh kiss that's it you guys just make out now. I mean, you don't have to.

We've got to fill an hour, so you guys have to make up for 20 minutes. Can we make out for a full hour just in silence while you guys sit there like weird cucks? That would be fucking great. Weird cucks is a great podcast. How was it, dude? Pretty fucking hot. We turned to kiss each other, and we're like, we noticed all the Brazzers guys were on the couch. They're lined up

behind the couch. The black dudes. Oh, yeah. Like, damn it. I knew it was going to be in a Piper Perry porn right now. Supply young

Philadelphia comedians. Yeah, dude. I was so supple that day. I knew it was coming here so I emptied my bowels. Yeah. Speaking of which, like, I haven't been

up to date on newer porn stars. You guys aware of anybody who's really killing it right now? I think it's so saturated. I don't think there is a star anymore now, right? That's the impression I get. Yeah.

I think they honestly- Is that somebody boss-toning porn? They might be bigger than they've ever been. They're like TikTok stars. They are. They're getting on people's other videos and promoting their shit. But just like TikTok, it's here and then gone. Yeah.

I'll tell you one thing. Every now and again, I don't jack to the same chick twice in a day. Yeah. Dude, I have my mainstays. Don't get me wrong. I have the curls that I know will get me where I need to be. But if I'm looking at ex-vids, I'm like, oh, maybe you. You know what?

I like the cut of your jib today. I like the way you take a jib. I've never gotten the whole searching by a star. I'm looking for a situation every time I get on there. I'm not really looking for a certain... You're typing a storyline into the search bar? I'm looking up hot girl that might be a guy, too.

That's my vein, dude. If you're not typing Shader in a bar with a dude into your search bar tonight, you're fucking up. Girl, parentheses, guy. Sexy girl, guy, good kisser. Huge tits, casket, question mark. Yeah, there's not enough casket porn on X-Men.

If you're using punctuation in your search parameters, you're really fucking out. Oh my god, if you're using commas, dude, and I've been down that road where you're just like, no, I know what I need and I know what I like. She's tall, but not too tall. But you know where it's noticeable.

If you're putting in actual height. A range. Dude, but that's the funny thing is if you look at some porn, it's like 4'9", chick gets destroyed. I'm like, 4'9"? I need to see her measured out first. It's got to be a weigh-in before they fuck.

Do you have a tape measure? Do you have her on one of those old school scales with the weight? It's a UFC fight where they're both like... Yeah, but it's only dicks on scales. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You have a guy that kind of looks like Joe Rogan in the background. These guys are getting heated. He's in a bald cap with tattoos, like the sleeves you pull on.

Yeah, but then again, have you ever watched, did you ever get into Ultimate Surrender? So we talked about recently on here with the Do-Wagon Deer Tag guys, Drew brought up West Philly Dungeon, which is like Ultimate Surrender, but it's the most jacked up bodybuilder chicks.

Like just beating the shit out of each other in a West Philly basement somewhere. We don't know where. They're just beating each other up. You look like you're leaving here now. You're like, I can track this down. So wait, are they just beating each other up? I don't think it's a fight.

I think it's just a fuck. But it's like, it's probably not far off of the ultimate surrender vein. These girls probably competed in that at some point. In my head, like ultimate surrender, I do watch. But I also think that there is somewhere, some guy

who's so in the hole with gambling that is like, I need to fucking bet on something. What are you betting on? Ultimate Surrender. I lost everything on US. I had it inside info too. It's like, take the dive.

Round three. Your woman goes down. In more ways than one. I'm not normally into shaving, but if you could shave some points off of this one, it would really help daddy out. I need a full muff on this fucking... It's just the saddest guy just betting on possible discharge the entire fight. He's like, God, my kids hate me so much. She didn't just cover the spread on the squirt here.

The literal spread. She did not squirt far enough. I almost hit this fucking three-girl parlay the other day that would have got me out of the hole. Actually, I did search for three-girl parlay the other day. What's the spread? Pretty disgusting. We're going,

we're not going to lie to you. Not good. I'm wiping my hard drive after this one. You know, I'm going to take the over, the under, and the in and out. Is she a pro? Pro laps. That's what she is.

It's not good. It is not good. Are you guys only fans, guys? No, I've never subscribed. That's a big thing. I not good. Are you guys only fans, guys? No, I've never subscribed. That's a big thing. I can't. Are you guys on it? Yeah. A couple. Yeah. I mean, I help my friends out. I'll tell you.

Do you know any of the women that are on? We know one comic that's on it, and that's it. And no one has pulled the trigger to pay the money. But it's like, it's always lingering there. Someone has to have it. I mean, when the pandemic hit all of us,

it hit all of us really hard. And everyone was scrambling to find a way to make ends meet. People were worried about what they were going to have on the dinner table. And every now and again, I'd see a friend like, hey, I've got an OnlyFans starting up. I'm like, for $5, I will see a girl who I always wondered what their asshole looked like.

And I will do it. Dude, the amount of friends, I was like, oh, shit. I was like, you got one? The hilarious part, too, is if you were to walk up to that same person and hand them a five and be like, show me your butthole. It would never work out. It's assault. Definitely. But the crazy thing is,

when that was the OnlyFans boom in the beginning of the pandemic, and when I subscribed the first time, my phone got an alert because it didn't recognize it. And then later I got a phone call from TD Bank or somebody represented, like, we might have a fraudulent charge now. Have you seen me?

I was like, what is this? Like something you seen me? And I was like, what is this? She's like, something OnlyFans? And I was like, oh, oh, yeah. Yeah, she's like, what's that? She was like, what? I was like, it's pornography. I like to think at the end of that, you've convinced this woman at TD Bank

to start her own OnlyFans. I was like, you know what? Just over-explaining it to her. I touch my penis when I look at videos of these girls. She's like, sir, sir, it's just a charge. No, listen to me. No, you got to hear me. Amy, you have a hot voice.

Are you a man? We may have made out. Is that you, Amy? Do you need representation? Now she sounds like Marmaduke. Don't move. I have your address. I'll be there in an hour.

Damn it. Damn it. That's the thing, too. There's been a few chicks that I've messed around with who haven't OnlyFans. And in your head, you're like, am I going to be in some OnlyFans? Yes.

Did you ever have the inkling? Because I remember listening to your podcast. There was discussions of you potentially starting an OnlyFans. Oh, my God, yeah. How close were you to hitting that? So what had happened was I remember, again, when everyone was doing it, I was like, it would be really funny if I did it.

I was like, that would be funny. And then someone was like, you know, you can't just like, now it turns out now you can do whatever the fuck you want on OnlyFans. I thought it was just like, you got to show dong or you got to show vag. Like, you got to show dong or you got to show vag. You got to be naked or no one gives a shit. Because the whole point is when people are like, oh, well, not everybody wants to see me.

The thing with OnlyFans is it's all amateur and that's why people want it. They're not looking for gorgeous people. They're just like, yo, I think that chick would look good naked. And it's a gamble. And then you're like, well, that's not not what i meant i still paid five bucks for it but i remember thinking like yeah i'll fucking show my bird on fucking only vans but i really was trying to figure out like what gimmick i would have because i was like there's got to be something for because i in my head i'm like i know because i was so no friend and she was like, yeah, you should definitely do that. You should also know

that 99% of your viewership is going to be men. Oh, yeah. And I was like, oh, all right. That's cool. They kiss. I don't kiss really good. I get to make friends sick. Yeah, I get to high five people. Cool guys looking at me touching my own body. Yeah, dude, but I

also wanted I was like, all right, that's fun. But like I thought about like just getting so rock hard but then reading fucking uh retirement speeches from famous sports athletes like that's that's what i want today today today i walk away from the game i consider myself so so so the myself the horniest man on the face. I'm going to jerk. But I fucking thought about doing that. And then I made a whole fucking thing. And then I didn't do anything with it.

And then my friend, my one friend who does like legitimate porn, because I was like talking about doing it, she sent me this very informative, very long email like, hey, if you're willing to do this, that's fine. But you should know these things, these things, these things. Oh, really? And it was so sweet of her to do that.

It was just like a lot of people get into that. I'll just show my ass and it'll be fine. Like, no, no, no. It's nice to know that she opened up an Excel sheet and was like, all right. Yeah. She definitely cracked it. A spread eagle sheet.

What were some of the points where she was trying to look out? It was basically just know that like, it was very pointy. There was a lot of just like saying that when you do this, know that even if you were to delete it, and I think everyone should know or everyone does know, just because you put something on the internet and you hit delete, the internet's forever. Right. The internet is forever.

And if someone wants to, they will find it. They will find it. You are in a thing, a database or whatever. The other thing was like just know that if you were to happen to show your face, that have like you know employment reprisal you could possibly not be employed if you go to some place and they find out that they're doing i didn't know i also thought it i think it's kind of shitty that apparently someone's got to do something i was like this is bullshit you shouldn't be able to like bar someone from not being from being employed because they have an only fans yeah i don't think that i don't think that's fair.

You always see those articles once a week where it's like teacher gets asked to leave job because every student... Imagine if you had in high school... Never. Dude, don't even think that. Access to your teachers. I would be working three jobs as a 14-year-old to

fund my OnlyFans addiction. Could you imagine, dude, just going into study hall and knowing that you saw Senorita Stauffer's badge? Oh, boy, oh, gee, well. And yes, that was too close. I'm speaking from experience. No, couldn't tell. That name seemed right on the spot.

Yeah, dude, with a name like Senorita Stuffins, you're like, whoa. Yeah, you're doing yourself A disservice If you're not starting An OnlyFans at that point It's more like it That's good I used to kind of like

Look down on the OnlyFans thing Until I Like I'm Subscribed to several Friends Patreons Wait a minute Which is just I'm paying friends

To just Talk about bullshit Let me OnlyFans is just Pussy Patreon Exactly But I mean I wish my friends

Would touch their pussies. I need these guys. You're 26 years old and you look down your nose at OnlyFans? I did. What high horse are you riding? In my younger years, dude. You mean last week? Last weekend. I was so upset with OnlyFans

and then got back on the Patreon. What made you upset about it? Not upset. That's the wrong term. It wasn't highfalutin i i i hate when women make money i hate these broads cashing out with their sexy little sleek bodies i need to listen to my friends talk about dicks yeah i mean dude i will say it is not annoying But when you find out There's this one person I know She started in OnlyFans

And then in two months She was talking like Yeah I made over 30 grand In two months And I was like I never want to hear And don't get me wrong She's not an unattractive girl But when you think porn star

You have an idea in your head of what that is If you saw her you'd be like You're making 30 grand Dude you're like I never want to hear any Lady ever complain about money problems ever again The wage gap is officially gone It's out of control And I remember thinking when I started

No one's going to pay me No one's going to pay to see my stupid dick And then again in that email Prepare for the grossest DMs of your life. Oh, yeah. Don't read the DMs. If you start an OnlyFans, it is just bombardment of propositions and weird shit.

I think that's where a lot of the money is made too because most of the chicks that I subscribe to, they'll have a disclaimer on their homepage saying tips are like, if you tip your dm will get answered quicker than if you don't yeah that makes sense that's kind of great i mean there's there needs to be a service where we can just go in and read those dms it can be anonymous i just want to read

them dude there's i again the comments on their instagram are as good as they are oh my god dude another one of my friends like very recently started an OnlyFans. I think she's going to do great. She's gorgeous. Damn, I've got to get better friends. What the fuck, Ryan? I'm sorry. I just know a lot of chicks who like to flash gash. It's fucking dope.

She was showing me some of the DMs that she got and I was like, that is insane. Dudes are, again, they're behind this veil of the internet. And there's so much. You're basically an anonymous person, and you can just say whatever you want to somebody else. And some of them are wildly demanding. Oh, really?

Yeah, just like, do this. Not like, can you or would you? It's do this, or I'm pulling out my subscription. It's like, what the fuck? Use some gumption. I hate to be a bug. Stretch your cheeks to their limit. And hold a copy of today's paper on your lower back.

Seriously. Hey, I was just thinking about you. There's like the whole thing. It's like him like, I hate to be that guy. Oh, man. Oh, my God. You are doing so great, but it would be amazing. There's like the whole thing It's like him like I hate to be that guy Oh man Oh my god You are doing so great But it would be amazing

If you could put the Swiffer In your pussy That'd be Yeah If you could mop a whole floor With your pussy please If you could squirt At the same time

The Squiffer squirts Or if you just Like a tongue twister He's like That was tough to get out That was He's like By golly You know what really get me You know he's like it was tough to get out he's like by golly you know

what really get me you know like just like you know what really get me over the mountain i think by calling it a squiffer i might have just created something new a squipper just a mop that squirts that would be you gotta work to clean but the clit is pretty big, so you're just like... That's what the Italian dudes mean. They're like, I want a woman who cooks and cleans. She's in there squirting the floors all day.

What's her name? Squiffer. And guess what? She can take a right hook like nobody's business. I like hitting that fucking boat. I love to hit my wife. The name was Squifferrelli

when we reached outside. When she came off the boat. But to gain employment, we had to truncate it. Speaking of trunk, my kid's been in there for two weeks. He's pissed. Oh my god. What's the...

Do your subscriptions, will you go through and do an audit? I do, yeah. I don't really stick around too long because I could, for instance, I signed up for somebody last night. She's got about 500 pictures on her account. That's so many. So I've already unsubbed because I've seen what I like. And now I'll come.

I'll get a month out of this. But I've got to assume that that's a lot of people who sign up for OnlyFans because very few people are creating daily content. Okay. You might get like one or two a week, which is cool. What a job. But that is also the other thing that was in the email too is like if you really want to make money, you have to fucking – it is a job. Right.

You have to create content. You also have to create content. You have to create teaser content, which gets, it's almost like fishing. You bait them and then you reel them in. I want to see a tier where you pay for all the outtakes because there's no way they're nailing all this shit. There's bloopers.

There's a gag reel. That's our app. We're just starting out called gag reel. It's all girls can take their OnlyFan content that they are like this just didn't make the cut toss it on gag reel

to that point the nicest thing I've ever seen in porn was a blooper tape and the guy came like as soon as he put his dick in this lady

and then he got up and he walked away the director's like what the fuck the guy walks away and the lady like goes over to console him it's the nicest thing I've ever seen it is it is very like wow you know what these people are really looking out yeah he really is

a fan I think one of my favorite bloopers was this chick was eating this dude's ass and then he like just ripped one but the funny thing But the funny thing is... But that's real. But it gets better because it was in a stage room, so she went out and she went through a door and slammed it, but she was just on the other side of nothing. So she slammed the door like, I'm getting out of here. And I was like, no, you're still in the same room,

you fucking idiot. It's like when you see a sitcom from the 90s, like the behind the scenes thing, when Will Smith walks through a door and he's just backstage it's exactly how it happened it was like yeah you didn't really leave sweetheart that's incredible i know you think you did was it the kind of fart where you could tell he wound up to let it oh no he definitely meant it but it wasn't and it wasn't like a little like it was like a bop and she was but he was like yeah get in there and then she reverberated she She started licking. He farted.

And you knew he had it in the chamber because when she went up, he was like. He was looking at the camera like, yeah, yeah. We have a lot of fun on set. You got to have fun on set, yeah. That's what I think, too, is I want a porn PSA. It's like, hey, we have a lot of fun on set, guys. But you know what's not fun? Throwing up on a dick.

It's like, unless you're really into that, we have a whole category for that. It's just jackass porn. They're just pranking the mother. They have a disclaimer like don't try this. I'm Johnny Knoxville and I'm going to fart in a horse mouth. Yo, Baymar Jarrah. We're in Ron Jeremy's pool house.

Oh my God, Baymar and Ron Jeremy. Yo, man, he's asleep right now. I'm going to wake him up with my cock. My dad's in bed. We're going to watch them fuck my mom. Dude, that would be fucking wild. Just to see like eggs like trying to do. How many times did that happen? Like he'd just go on to his parents like,

I'm going to go wake my dad. Oh, my dad's fucking my mom, dude. My dad loved and provided for me my entire life. I'm going to go hit him as hard as I can. Yeah, I'm going to let him finish, dude. I'm going to let the edge of my dad. My dad blue balls, man. We're going to cover my mom in flour while she rides my dad reverse cowgirl.

Just lighting all the firework in the room. We're going to watch Don Vito have sex with a minor. I'm going to let him finish. I used to work at the Chili's in King of Prussia. Don't want to brag. I know exactly what that Chili's is. It's a great spot. And Ray Kian, the dude with the long hair, he's like a nuclear scientist.

He's a chemist. He used to come in there every three days for lunch. He would just eat buffalo wings, drink an iced tea, and leave. Classic chemist. But he was the dude that hated mustard. So there was always like a cook in the back that was just like, yo, I'm gonna go throw a ramekin of mustard in his face. I was like,

he's just a guy eating a chili. We all love the show. I would laugh at it if you did it, but. I wonder if that ever happened to like Gerald Ford's like, yo, this guy hates bullets. I'm gonna fuck him. You know how he got shot? He he didn't like it i'm gonna go out shoot him again i'm gonna do a show big fan dude could you imagine if jfk had lived and everyone was taking weird like pictures with him like oh my brain's blown out oh dude two days ago on, I was seconds away from being able to buy a John Hinckley painting.

I had just logged on to Twitter and it said like 17 seconds ago John Hinckley posted a link to his eBay account. I think it was like a cat painting. I love cats and I think I'm all for John Hinckley's resurgence. As soon as I went on there, it was already taken down.

It was taken down or it was already sold? It was already sold.. It was taken down or it was already sold? It was already sold. Hinkley is... So I was trying to reach out for Hinkley before to just have him correspond and be a guest on the podcast. And I painted him a painting.

Because I wanted to be like, hey, I know you do some abstract work. Here's a painting for you. And it was just some crap I just threw together in three seconds. I wonder if he'll respond. He never got back to my fucking email. I feel snubbed by the Hinkley. I'm starting to think he's a real piece of shit.

I'm starting to think he's not a straight shooter. Yeah. Now here's the fun part of the show. Ready? Matt, who is Hinkley? I'm just letting you guys know. I don't know who that is at all, dude. Who's John Hinkley? I'm just letting you guys know. I don't know who that is at all. Who's John Hinkley? Is he a bad boy?

He's not very good. Who the heck is this guy? Bad aim on that guy. Who's John Hinkley? He's shot. Guitarist. He's just an all-around artist. Recently released from prison.

Okay. Prison and also a mental institution, not to brag. Sometimes you get built up with all this anxiety and angst. You don't know where to go, what to do. Sometimes you buy a gun. Sometimes you want to win a woman's love. He was a man with a crush doing cute things to win her attention.

Oh, he's a lover boy. Yeah, oh my god. Total fucking romantic. I thought it was a bad thing. Yeah, oh my God. Total fucking romantic. John Hinkley. I thought it was a bad thing. I would love to just give you just enough information to go out in the public and be like,

you guys hear about this new fucking John Hinkley guy? Hear about this guy. He's like, so what is he? He's like, you know, he's actually a great leader. He has a huge work ethic. He has like Hitler.

I don't know what his name is. He's just fucking wild, dude. Oh, did he like the hit dog? Yeah. No, no, he did not like Hitler. Good. loved jodie foster love jodie big joe i do know yeah i actually gave him a shout out in the past year she's like i was kind of impressed by it how could you not be yeah yeah dude i don't know what i would do if some lady was like i shot the president for you i'd be like you, you goddamn right. Did you finish the job? You know what would be crazy?

If some chick was like, I shot the president for you. My first thing would be like, you know what this dick do? Fucking women going, oh. You just killed the president for this. I hope every girl saw this because I'm like, yo, I wrecked cash, dude. I make women go nuts. Her clit is

fucking big. Bulbous. I wrecked Gash, dude. I make way- She must have a huge clit. Her clit is- It's like hanging. Fucking big. Bulbous. It's a bulbous clit. It's the same thing how dude's noses keep growing. Yeah, just get bigger. It's got pock marks all over it. It's like an old pop-up nose.

An old boozy nose clit. Do you think Hinkley's become an inspiration to other prominent shooters? Be like, yeah, maybe I should pick up a guitar? I think if anything, it's shown other people who want to shoot the president in time. No one will care. Imagine if you were the second biggest

Jodie Foster fan and you were like, I just had pictures over on my wall. All I had to do was shoot a president? Wait a minute. If somebody's outdoing you to that degree, either outdo them or just I could all I had to do was shoot a president Wait a minute You gotta give him his respect man Cause You know If somebody's outdoing you to that degree Either outdo them Or just bow down to them

It'd be funny if there was a guy Who built like a dirty bomb for Jodie Foster It was only Jodie Foster Like everyone's just like I have to get her attention How did you do it? It's like well I decapitated my dog And then like she didn't respond

So I'm like what do I do next? I go to a mall. Get it? Listen, listen. Jodi loves malls. She loves Forever 21. So I kill 21 people in there. I made a lot of those people Forever 21.

Yeah, they're Forever 21. His mom's trying to console him. Like, you can set it off in the house. I don't want to set it off in the house. I want Jodi to set it off in her apartment. This is my part of the house, Mom. I pay rent. I never get to bomb anything.

Isn't Jodie Foster gay? Or am I wrong? Am I thinking of the wrong woman? Yeah, you're thinking of the wrong woman. No, I think she is gay. Damn. Imagine doing that. Shooting the president for a woman's love

and finding out she's barking up the wrong tree. Can you imagine how much of a quack Hinkley must have felt like? Listen, I'm flattered. I'm flattered, but it's just you don't have enough flannel. Your honor, I feel like a real simpleton right now. It's like a sitcom gag. It's like, this is awkward. I just attempted to murder the commander-in-chief, and you're gay?

Really? I'm going to shoot the president over a woman that's a lesbian? Oh, my God. Look at how crazy that sounds. Egg on my face. Egg on my face. Danny Tanner sits and talks with you. Yeah.

But then again, how funny would it be if Reagan forgave him? Like, I know what it's like. It's like you were doing it for love, and now you're just batting out of your head. My wife's the throat coat, you think? You know, she fucking took it all the way to the base. Yeah, do you have a lot of... It's like you were doing it for love and now you're just batting out of your life. My wife's the throat coat, you know. You know she fucking took it all the way to the base. Yeah, do you have a lot of... We talked about her

being like sucking her way through DC. Do you know a lot about that story? We didn't have any info on it. I've seen her on Mr. T's lap a lot, so I just assumed a lot. Oh, okay. You think she blew Mr. T? Yeah. They leave the chains on? You gotta to leave the chains on, right? You put them on her neck while she's doing it.

Just to weigh her down? Just to see how far she's going? She's working out with the Joe Rogan thing just so she can get used to sucking Mr. T's dick. That would be funny if it was pictures of Nancy Reagan. It was there the whole time. We just never realized if there was a picture of her eating a hot dog all the way down.

It's on the White House tour. The eyes slide out so she can watch people. You just see Nancy Reagan with running mascara right out of her face. It's like, what would she do? She's sucking a fat dick the whole time. Did you know that fucking LBJ's dick

was a huge problem? He looks like it. LBJ has this. There's an audio clip of him calling, I think it's, he's on the phone with either his secretary or someone who represents him, trying to get hold of Sears and Roebuck to have them tailor pants for him specially, because

he keeps ripping the seam on it, and he goes, from my, I think it's from my ball sack to my bung hole. He literally says that, and it's like, because LBJ's... It's a yin-yang song. Hey, little mama, let me whisper in your ears. From my ball sack to my bunghole. Dude, but apparently his dick and balls were so big

that he would ruin pants. Yeah. That's a problem. I think you want that out of a president, though. I want my president to have a huge dick. Of course you do. Like the big, uncomfortably big. You want you want that out of a president, though. I want my president to have a huge dick. Of course you do. Like the big, uncomfortably big. You want him to be like, you know, he can flex on anybody anytime.

He's like, yo, I got the bombs and his balls. He's got to wear dress sweatpants constantly. They're gray still. Still shows the outline. Hey, why do we have to cut a hole in the podium for this president? The president always wearing just like gray Nike sweatpantspants at all dude fucking sweat casual press wild rush is actually a vibe leisure president yo I'm gonna take this fucking country out no cap his tailors workspace is the real situation room.

Everybody's just sitting watching. Oh, yeah, like when they got bin Laden, they're just all sitting looking. It's like a men's warehouse. They announce it at a Phillies game. Ladies and gentlemen, our president has a fat cock. USA! USA! It's like just finding out which president had the fattest bird has got to be out of control. He looks like a fat cock. USA! Just finding out which president had the fattest bird has got to be out of control.

He looks like a fat bird. LBJ, if you saw him, he's got huge ears. He's got a dumb nose. He just has big, weird features. But the phone call is so funny because it was supposed to be a candid phone call. It was like, look, my dick and balls will not fit in any slacks.

I'm tired of walking around with this shit please make me pants that can accommodate my fat so cia guy that had to record all the calls he's like man my grandkids are gonna love this on the internet one day he's like what's uh lbg talking about their vietnam though no he's talking about his fucking dick again again i think he's gonna win the next election he might come back dude, dude. He killed Kennedy with his dick, I swear to God. Dude, that's why Jackie O's covered in blood on the plane. That's not blood, dude. I bet LBJ was like, let me see your Jackie O

face. Sorry, your husband's dead. Too soon? Too soon? His brains are still on your pink dress. Clean that off, baby doll. Didn't she wear that dress for like four days after he got shot right i mean i'm wearing i don't doubt that seeing your husband's brains all over the place

i think third thing on my list it's gonna be like i need a new husband two i'm kind of thirsty and three i should probably take this brain soaked dress jackie you get a shower please she was probably just going with like all of her favorite restaurants like just Jackie, get a shower, please. She was probably just going to all of her favorite restaurants just trying to get a free steak. Like, oh, me? Yeah, I am Jackie. It's been a rough week. Oh, I miss my husband so bad.

I don't know. Were you watching the news recently? So you're going to charge me extra for this blizzard? I don't know if you know. No, it's fine. It's fine. The commander-in-chief is dead

and I was there. He's never coming back. He's never coming back. They put him in a lead casket. They put-in-chief is dead. I was there. He's never coming back. They put him in a lead casket. I've heard that he's an infamous small bird guy. I can see that. He's very Irish. He's from the Boston Islands.

Take it back constantly. That's the thing. He may have had a small bird, but his SLIS count count was fucking out of control. You could rip on fucking Jack Kennedy for having a small dick, but he still fucked Marilyn Monroe.

He fucked, at the time, the hottest woman on the planet. He still did it. And he also had a hot wife. Maybe we should hear out Kanye. I think we should fucking figure this out. It's just like, dude, you could rip on this guy for having a weak piece, but he's still slammed. It's always funny, too, when the moms and the grandmom generation ahead of us are always like, he was so handsome. And then you look at a picture of him, you're like, he's kind of retarded looking in every possible way.

He just had nice hair. He had gray hair. Which can get you far. Yeah, a full head of hair. You guys both have dapper gray heads of hair, so it can get you far. Brother, A full head of hair. You guys both have dapper gray heads of hair. So it can get you far. Brother, you have the hair of a president. You do have the hair of a president.

You have the head of a president. You do. I have politician hair and cul-de-sac face. And I understand this. I am a very suburban looking. Yeah, but that's what we want in a leader, dude. We want the guy who. And that's why I'm announcing my presidency for whenever.

I think I'm old enough now. Yeah, I'm 36. Dude, you can run. We're talking about hair. All right, I'm going to segue for this. I think I'm old enough now. Dude, you can run. We're talking about hair. I'm going to segue for this. I brought you guys Christmas presents because this is our Christmas special. I'm going to do it in waves. These are from Matt and I. Matt doesn't really know what they are. By the way, we're joined by Mike

Rainey and Ryan Shainer. In the meantime, if you want to plug whatever you want to plug, you can open the little one first. Thank you. In the vein one first. Thank you. So this is in the vein of handsome idiots. You guys are both two dapper gentlemen. You got hair that's on point. You're also guys that know how to carry yourself in the street and you know how to wield a blade.

Yes. So as your first gift, I got you what Amazon listed as a training butterfly knife. I've never had a butterfly knife. I've never had one. Well, now you got a butterfly knife comb, buddy. Now, it also is serrated enough that you could still fuck somebody up with it. This is also something that if you showed somebody, they wouldn't fuck with you because they...

Because they think you're fucking insane. Yeah. This is like something that's like, what the fuck is that all about? You're winning every fight. Oh, no. The only thing worse than getting stabbed is getting your hair combed by somebody else. You look so handsome, you idiot.

That would be the most unnerving assault. This is like, yeah, we're going to make you look pretty. Dude, how sick is that? All right. I'm glad you guys like this. Thank you so much, guys. That is amazing. Thank you.

The second thing, this one is more, this is my personal thank you. So I am now four months sober, but I didn't have a rock bottom. Oh, well. But I want to thank both of you for sharing your rock bottoms enough. Listening to both of your podcasts and hearing your guys' story, I realized in my head, I kind of quit drinking by accident, but I think it was something that was always there. And it's from listening to like, I'm like, oh shit, you can stop drinking

and still do fun, cool shit. I learned that from you two specifically. I want to thank you for that. For that is your second gift. You're going to make us fall off the wagon. I hope this is ever clear. I love Heineken Zeros. Oh, fuck.

That's also from my stalking of both of you. You one time mentioned Heineken Zeros. Oh, fuck. So that's also from my stalking of both of you. Thank you, dude. You one time mentioned Heineken Zeros and dad meat, and I've seen you drinking them at Helium. So I started drinking them recently. They're good. They're very good. When it comes to non-alcoholic beers, very good.

And they're still cold. I left them in my fridge wrapped overnight. Yeah, dude. So yeah, so thank you guys. And happy holidays, great Christmas, whatever you celebrate. Thank you so much, dude. I'll take one. You, thank you, guys. And happy holidays, great Christmas, whatever you celebrate. Thank you so much, dude. I'll take one. You want one?

Thank you. That's awesome. And, Matt, this is also your first step to recovery. This is my wake-up call, dude. Now, we're here to tell you that your drinking is a real problem. But, boy, is it fun, guys. But we do need you to keep doing it if I'm not going to drink anymore. Oh, you got to have a go.

We got to remain interesting on the podcast. Man, it's always a surprise how much this tastes like real beer. I've been saying that I've tasted a few non-alcoholic ones. This is also the only one that's 100% no alcohol. The other ones are 0.5. That's what's interesting. Do you guys

count that as drinking? I know you had an accidental fall off the wagon, right? I accidentally drank a fucking Trulies. I think it was. Oh, yeah. Because it was in the same tub with all the sparkling water. Right. So I grabbed one, I popped it open, I was like, all right, well, this is not good. I was like, oh my God, it's a... Yeah.

What do you call them? A sparkling... What is a Trulies? A seltzer. A seltzer. Yeah, yeah. All right, I'm glad I don't like this. Did you finish the can or you just finished it?

No, no, no, you just I just finished it But I have a problem One of the main things with my alcoholism That I found out Is not just what I would drink And how often I would drink Was my rate of consumption I don't know if you saw me drinking water I pour it into my head

And I do it all the time And that's the way I've always drank I drank like I'm fucking Steve Austin all the fucking time. I was just going to say it was the raddest way I've ever seen someone drink water. I've never not done it that way. Even when I drink normally, I never sip anything. It's always like a big pool.

I realized when I bought these yesterday, they make these in cans so you could do a Steve Austin, knock them together, stone cold, just to start your monday but i because i chug shit like two weeks ago at helium unfortunately these bottles look exactly like the heineken bottles oh yeah there's no distinction so i put my bottle down on top of the fridge and someone put their heineken next to that oh shit i started talking

and i grabbed what I thought was my beer and I took a gigantic pull off of it. But it was like when you kissed a dude, you knew right away. But I also, just like I do, I was like, this is pretty good. This is all the answers I've been looking for? Why does this feel like I want to text my girlfriend right

now and tell her she's a bitch? I was like, oh, that's because it's regular beer but that's the closest i've come to like relapsing but it's more like i don't as much as i have like an addiction to booze i i also found that my addiction isn't really i'm not addicted to any substance right what i am addicted to is self-destruction. Yeah. Which I think most people need to understand. It's like when you stop doing a drug and then you get right back into something else that is a little bit just as addictive, you're like, why am I doing this? Because you are a maniac.

Right. And you are looking for anything to fill a void that you may have been missing. And whether that void be like a relationship issue or a parental issue or anything. You just are looking for anything that will light the fuse on whatever bomb you have inside of you. I think that was one thing where the non-alcoholic beers, I don't really care if they're 0.5

because I'm not really worried about the alcohol because I'm worried about I know I can't have one. I know I can't have one. I know that for't have one i know that for a fact if it was like you could probably enjoy one beer i know if i were to have one beer one beer would easily turn into nine without a without a doubt there was a night where when right before like days before i stopped drinking where we were hanging at helium and it was after last call and i was trying to

get beer for both of us yeah and the bartender just wouldn't give it to us so i i circumvented her and i went to the manager i was like can she and i just get a couple beers for the end of the night he's like yeah no problem he's like how many you want and i was like 12 because i knew we were going to be there for like another hour so yeah he put 12 beers on top of the the uh bar for us and then after my wife dropped you off i asked you to go into your house. I was like, do you have any booze

at your house? And you're like, yeah, I got a little bit of vodka. I was like, would you mind pouring me a pint glass of vodka for the ride home?

And I live like 10 minutes from Shane. And Ryan, just the sweetest guy in the world, went inside and poured a pint glass. At no point did I think

that was weird. I was like, pint glass for a road? Yeah. My body's thirsty, sure. The funny thing is, before I poured him the pint glass, I was like, pint glass for a road? My body's thirsty, sure. The funny thing is, before I poured in the pint glass,

I was like, I'm a little familiar. Something for daddy. That's just a little nip I need, and then I'm going to take a shower and finish off the rest of this bottle. Shower drinking is the best. I miss shower drinking. I haven't taken a non-alcoholic in the shower yet,

but shower drinking is one of my favorite forms of it. It's so good. Shower everything. Shower cries, shower singing, but shower drinking is one of my favorite forms of it. It's so good. Shower everything. Shower cries, shower singing, shower drinking. Actually, the worst is shower masturbation because you know it doesn't mix? Shower sex too. Shower sex is the worst.

It sucks. It's so good on paper. It's convenient if you're like, we got to get this and then we got to get to that bar mitzvah. Hugely overrated. I only fuck on bar mitzvah days. When you're preppingrated. I only fuck on bar mitzvah days. I gotta be quick when I come. When I first started jacking, I was strictly a shower jerker. Of course. It's only free time you have.

Brother, it took me until my mom mentioning it on the phone to my aunt for me to realize how fucked up it was and that cum does not drain the way that I thought it did. Oh, yeah. You're building a bit of a... It always comes back. It does.

I came down one day, and my mom was on the phone with my aunt knowing what I was doing, and she looked at me, and she's like, there he is, the cleanest boy in Delaware County. You could just say that cum doesn't drain

the way that I think it does, mom. That is so good. Yeah, but that wouldn't have stuck. You would have been like, yeah, it does. She's got to shame you into not doing it. You're like, all right not doing it get ready for all of your sheets to be ruined then i'm sorry you know it's crazy with all the technology we have today all the things that we have working for us we got electric cars we got all these satellites we got google earth we got everything

there has to be one scientist like i found a way to make shower water split come apart like something additive because we got shout water softener. There's got to be cum softener in the water. Cum softener in the water. That's the fluoride I can get behind. That's the fluoride. If you fucking had something in the water that just made your cum... Again, this goes back to what I would do with all my money.

We need the Kohler and the Whirlpool. I would have a shower. You can jerk off as much as you want in a shower. Cum just goes... It's still, yeah, you can jerk off as much as you want in a shower. Come, just go. It's still in your house you live in now. Guys, nothing looks different. I understand. I am a multimillionaire.

You haven't seen my cum shower yet. That's the thing, too. If I had billions, I wouldn't move from my shitty row home in Philadelphia. I would just soup that motherfucker up to a point where all of my neighbors would be like, I have a cum Roomba going around all day long. Oh, my God. Coomba? Coomba going around all day long. Oh, my God. Kumba? Kumba.

What is that? It's like my cum vacuum, dude. Don't touch it. I did attach a flashlight to it, yes. Dude. That's another thing. I almost made a... So, LaMare, I had him on my show,

and he had never seen a woman squirt in real life. Oh. Which I think is... Have you ever seen a chick squirt in your face? Not in my face, no. I love the... She goes to a different school. She squirted at a different school.

You wouldn't know. You wouldn't know. She's a model, a squirt model in Canada. She's super hot and cool and she can do like 12 push-ups. She can squirt so hard. She squirts so fucking hard. Her dad played for the Flyers.

Yeah, I don't know. She's Danny Breer. I don't know. But I was going to make... So I have a flashlight that I barely use, which I wish I used more, but it's like... It's so cumbersome.

That was good. Yeah, you like that? It was pretty good. But it is not... Until I find something that will beat my hand, then I'm like, I don't know. This is great, but then I pull out of my flashlight. That's nice.

That's just respect. You know what I do? Have you ever come in a flashlight? No. It's a lot of maintenance. It's got to be messy. You have to turn it inside out. Does it decrease the amount of shame afterwards if you do pull out?

Because then it eliminates the... If you just shoot it on top, you can just wipe that down to a nice shot. Coming inside your flesh, you've got to turn the motherfucker inside out. You've got to get water. I've heard like dishwasher. You have to put it in the dishwasher.

You get to put it in the dishwasher. I've heard from a friend. Then again, it's like I was going to make a... Because Lamer had never seen a chick squirt in real life. I was going to put a squirt gun. Yeah, you get to. I've heard from a friend. But then again, it's like I was going to make a, because Lemaire had never seen a chick squirt in real life. I was going to put a squirt gun on the front of it and then a fucking Barbie head on it and then blindfold him and have him

touch it while I squirted it all over his face. But I was just like, that would be a nice Christmas gift to do. That's fun for someone to walk in on you crafting in your living room. Dude, and that would, you would look like a crazy person. Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute. I'm working. I'm working on a very advanced technology.

It's for my friend. Look, it's not for me. I was holding it for my friend. I swear to God. You know what? That's funny too, is I guarantee there is some kid who's getting busted for a fleshlight and he's blaming it on his friend. Like right now. I was just holding it for him. I found it in the woods, Bob.

I didn't know what to do. I still, my mom has reminded me of this a couple times when my parents found, this was the first porn I had was my friend printed out pictures for me. Yeah. And one was a full page picture of a woman on a boat straddling the throttle. And that was just, that was my go-to.

Throttle was inside her? No, no, just straddled. no just sure she did at some point we didn't go deep enough into the archives to get the rest of the pictures and this was woods porn it wasn't even woods porn it was my friend's printer he was the first kid to get internet it's like i'm 36 so like we got internet seventh grade which it's like we didn't get it till eighth grade in my house my friend got it early dude and he had like his dad had a good printer because he was also a pervert and he printed it out i had it hidden in my guitar case like the extra flap where the picks go and my parents found it in there because i think they were like buying me picks for christmas

and we're like we'll put them in his guitar case it'll be cute i got all the picks i need yeah well then so my parents like my dad had like a talk with me about it but i could tell he still had that tone of like, yeah, good choice. Boats do rule. I found out I was conceived after my parents went to a boat show. The rumor is they snuck onto a boat and fucked. I don't know the full story. More like throat show.

So I was like, you did this to me. This was imprinted in my DNA. I needed to be. Oh my God, John. That boat was calling my name. So I want to vote so bad. You think it rekindled their romance? I hope it did.

It had to. I hope it really did. They were like, babe, I mean, that AC Boat Show 86 was a fucking time. It was pretty good.

Remember how we got thrown out for public indecency? It was fucking crazy. Remember how we ruined a boat? Dude, that would be funny to find out that your parents, like,

how they conceived you was public indecency. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What sucks now, too, is my dad has since passed. So, like, they conceived you was public indecency. And then both of them both tried to look. Yeah. What sucks now too is my dad has since passed. So like he probably would have told me the story. My mom never would tell me. And I don't want her to either.

Oh, no, dude. I don't want that story told. You don't want to hear about your mom getting a rail shot. It was my 22nd birthday. We went out for hibachi and she was drunk. And somebody said a boat. And he was like, yeah, we know why you love boats. And everyone laughed.

And I was like, why is that? Because I asked your mother for permission to come aboard. And that's how you were born. Is there a better pun to fucking put a bow on this episode? That is fucking great. What do you got? I'm sorry.

We didn't intro or plug anything. So please, the floor is yours. You can check me out on the end podcast uh check out the patreon and check out the twitter uh and uh yeah you can go on youtube it's the end podcast with ryan shaner i know people have had problems finding it and that's because people have made a bunch of podcasts called the end and then never did anything with them so it's the end podcast with ryan shaner uh Check out Dab Me Podcast,

which is me and the funniest guy on the planet, Tim Butterly. Little Snickers Podcast, which is me and my boys, Jake Matera and John Del Calo. It's a true crime podcast exploring the lighter side of serial killing. And perhaps most importantly right now,

I'm trying to sell a book, and that's on perks. And it chronicles my journey through not only Percocet addiction, but I was also very active on Facebook during my addiction. I actually apologize. I wanted to talk about that so much today, too, and I apologize we didn't bring it up.

Oh, good. So this is a good reason to have you back on again, both you guys. Please, yeah. Yeah, thank you guys for coming on. Thank you. The only thing I'll plug, all of our listeners and followers know it, but if you go on and find the Hacks episode that I did with the Dad Meat guys. Oh, yeah.

One of the greatest moments ever. We got to watch a fat white lady and a skinny black guy play one-on-one trampoline basketball against each other. While he sang along to the words of Queens. And instead of got to get right out of here, he jumped up and blocked her shot and said, get that shit right out of here. Oh, man. That is fucking perfect. It might be the greatest thing ever captured on the internet. But yeah, if you're going to watch a Hacks episode, watch that one.

It's fucking incredible. Matt, what do you got coming up? I think I have to stop drinking. Outro Music