That Rules Podcast - Episode #100: That Rules Christmas Extravaganza Live at High Note Humor

Episode Date: December 23, 2023

Well look at you now, you all said this thing wouldn’t make it past 20 episodes, and we thought the same too. However here we are celebrating the 100th Episode Live from High Note Humor.

Welcome to the That Rule Podcast Christmas Extravaganza. extravaganza to the felt. We're going to keep this pretty open, like Matt's relationships, and you can, we're going to have guests just kind of come in and out as much as you want. That's not what I meant to say. We're going to, I immediately went into post-open mic groundwork. That's fine. So anyway, what do you do for a living, sir? It's good, you know, I'm very excited. I haven't done a live show since the last uh one crash and burn so this is

good to be here i was thinking about on the way here the last uh i went to one of those i don't know if your guys dads made you go to watch howard eskin talk in public places remember like 90 whatever 471 had things where howard asking would just be in the diner yeah like doing a live thing we were there my little cousin was in the process of being born. Sorry about that. And we were at the Hollywood Diner, if you guys are familiar. Oh, yeah. I got an alcohol poisoning there three times.

Well, I got a cheese on me. You're disgusting. And we went to the, we were at the diner and they were recording a live, like Howard Eskin was there, he was with other people. Me and my dad were so enthralled and we were like two two or three hours late we're supposed to be time out i just pictured you a little seven-year-old you getting in the car with big cab and you're like dad i'm so enthralled for this yeah i was deeply enthralled and i also didn't even know what howard eskett meant he just kept saying we're gonna see howard eskett and i was like love it couldn't see that in a way

and uh we were there we're supposed to see my little cousin who was just born and we stayed for two hours and then we went and saw Finding Nemo and then we never saw my little cousin so if you guys know where he's at just give us a heads up we could we'd love to see this guy that's the perfect segue into announcing what we're gonna do tonight if you can tell a good story. So that was an example of a bad story, guys. If you can come up and tell a good Christmas or drinking-related story that's

very brief, we'll call it under three minutes, right? Yeah, three to five. I think the science says you get a drink and a special treat, right? Is that what it is? That's exactly right, and you have to pick. You can get a drink on us, go up to Gab and say, you just did the thing, and that's a drink on us. Or we have very special tricks and treats if you guys would like to see what we have here.

So it's totally your call, whatever you pick. But just come with a fun little Christmas tale or a fun little drinking tale, and we'll have a bit of a blast. Does that sound good? Woo! All right, guys. You guys are all part of history. I don't know if you guys understand that. This is the maybe hundredth episode of this podcast.

We forgot how to count about three and a half times. We stopped doing the podcast for a while. We started it back up. We changed the name. So we think this is the 100th episode. So thank you guys for showing up to be part of history. This is incredible. Incredibly nice.

It's nice to know, know like usually when people are blowing up 100 like balloons for a hundredth thing, that person's gonna die real soon. Wrong way. I think we got it. I think we got another 100 episodes in us. I doubt that. I think this is probably maybe 20 more and then we wrap this thing up. Hopefully, hopefully. Yeah, that's good. We're excited. Anybody have anyone come up with a fun tip? Get the heck up. Yeah, bring them on up. Give it up for our first guest of our 100th episode. Let's go. Please, yes.

Get up, put up the hat on them. And you've got to play with either the duckies, the tech techs, or you have to eat this whole cup of chocolate treats the entire time. I know we cater to an autistic audience. You're also going to be a bad monster. Or the tech techs. Yeah, we're figuring it out as we go along. All right, so what's your name, dude? Darius. Darius, nice to meet you.

Thank you for coming on. Do you have a big, fun, drunk story or a Christmas tale? I have a Christmas tale. Ooh, it's here, dude. So I went to see, so I'm Dominican. That's right. Of course, my family's from New York. And so-

Your words, not mine. Of course, that's okay. So I went to New York. This is a story about how I got scared by a crackhead in Penn Station. To this day. So I go with my family. I'm eight years old, right? My first time going to Penn Station, big place. And all I see is a short guy kind of grabbing a beer. It was like a...

I guess if you say he was giving Elf some crack. Oh, okay. Yeah, except a little cany canes for money. Now, earlier you said I'm eight years old. Is that now or is that for the story? That's for the story. Okay. So I hear him go, anybody got any change?

Yeah, as they do. Anybody got any change? And then he says, I'm not going to use it for drugs. Nah, I won't use it for drugs. Nice. Come forward, you boy. Yeah. Did you give him any change? The thing that he came up to me, I said, that's what scared me.

Because I was like, how do I have money on eight? Right. And he was like, he's like, hey, you got some money. You got anything for your uncle? Uncle? Like, who the fuck are you? Well, statistically, if you were a Dominican in New York, there's a good chance

i was scared i was trying to hide behind my mom and i tripped yeah he's like i'll be like that so i was so so so i mean scary i was like is he coming back he's gonna be my friend in this house we go to the broths like i was very on high alert the whole time is that the conductor how do these traits exactly is he santa you know his well this was pretty bad would you it wasn't a good he Like I was very on high alert the whole time. Is that the conductor? How did he straight up? Is he Santa? You know? His one hitch was pretty bad. It wasn't a good, he should have hit like the Jordan Belfort school of like, sell me this crack.

Buy me this crack. Buy me this crack. But yes, I was remembering that story about like, the first time I was going to New York, I got scared by a crack egg. I thought he's going to come back and say he's my uncle. So he's my T.O. now? I don't know. Now are you in defense mode?

Are you ready to defend your family? He was, but I was even more shorter and chubbier back then. He better just roll at it. You've all seen that scene in Hook where the chubby kid rolls like a bowling ball and takes people out, right? I just want to see that recreated in a fight

at some point in my life. I like to think that you hearing him, that he's going to use change to buy drugs has that carried over into your adult years like do you just pay for weed and nickels uh i you know i try you know i've never really accepted maybe a dime or two i'm trying to get three five that would be great going to dispensary now and you're like i'll take one bag of weed please and then just empty in your pockets out of their shame sure maybe if you smoked weed like a sinner but i don't know that oh and then you can introduce uh our next segment after a guest has told a story do you deem that a drink worthy story absolutely well do you

want to drink or would you like a little christmas fun oh exciting treat i'm saying exciting treat oh i'm glad you said that all right For our first treat of the day, we have what everybody's been looking for, four... Big, big, plastic fours. But the only way you can earn them is you have to have an unbelievable slam-jam of Mammoth. This is...

You have to dunk on... You have to dunk on Pope Jam Paul. Yeah, come into frame, Matt. This is Broadcasting 101. and make it a cool jam cool jam you said before hi we had a guy named Darius dunking in here and the rest of the room is a bunch of white guys. That's dangerous.

I like that. Thank you, Darius. That was awesome. Enjoy your forks. This is not stuff Matt found in his drawer before coming to this. No, I actually spent like $45. Oh, $7,000. That's fantastic.

I was thinking about it. This is fun to explain what you're doing. My wife comes home and I was in this outfit. Yeah. And I was like, I've been to seven stores today. For what? I what i was like well the one balloon i had to get at one store yeah then the second zero was at another store yeah but it's worse because you have a kid and i don't i had i was parenting in this jacket before leaving what did you say what was the start i had to like she's potty training right now and uh she forgot yeah yeah just take an old whiz and dump uh forgot she wasn't wearing her diaper and just started pissing on the kitchen floor.

And I had to get on one knee and be like, a heartfelt moment. I was like, listen, when you have to tinkle, you have to tell us, right? This is why this happens. And then she just looks at me and laughs and goes, why are you can't discipline in that no I had explained to my child I'm going to tell jokes that like that one day in therapy she's gonna be like yeah my dad used to leave to tell jokes yeah I don't know I don't know you but you look Santa Claus after the divorce it looks like the guy I'll take the guy in the group chat when we said we're gonna wear festive stuff that fucking did it

yeah so size this you put on your greenish shirt well that's a pretty green ass shirt if they ask me i'm a green colorblind i don't know no it doesn't look i tried my best i packed it wasn't my best decision also i forgot to wear my watch to this right now you're really you're really fucking up today yeah i'm ruining this this is unbelievable can you believe it can you that's why we need our second guest. Second guest. Second guest. Is that an excited guy there? Yeah, let's just real jazzed up.

Reluctant guest. Here we go, give it up for our second guest of the night. We need you to be more than friendly. Picture yourself as a seven year old man seeing Howard Eskin for the first time. That was a good tale, dude. I saw a finding email later that day. Didn't she find anything? Yeah, there a shot yeah there's no run sneak in there yeah you a call to the radio guy you seem like you've called into a lot yeah

I called in as Darryl from Sweetsboro for seven years yeah just my bitch wife what's your problem rarely about sports and they had to cut me off every single time yeah but you get a minute or two in there, you've won that battle. Exactly. They screened you, right? Yeah, they tried screening. I play like fools, though. Sometimes a fiddle, mostly a fool.

It's a bit of a screen and roll. Yeah, yeah. I love that you were doing research to make good sports points when they were screening you. You're like, I don't know. I think McNatt needs to drop back another step in the pocket of where we're gonna make it to the next chance and then they get on and you're like my wife left me on the tweets that was pretty much the extent of that that does tie into my my uh tail as well if we're being honest oh yeah sorry trying trying to now is this a drinking or a Christmas it's a drinking the last time and i need to just get this out there and close out

2023 is that but in january so the first time it's up multiple edibles and one night while drinking things went off the rails pretty quickly when i woke up the next morning and i had an email from a guy from the courier post so did i talk to this story no of course it's got mike green mike greenwald who writes lifestyle and business sections in the Courier Post, emailed me back after I tried pitching him an AI-generated headshot for an obituary with an AI-written obituary. And I didn't realize, I don't know if you guys know this or if anybody else knows, did you know that newspapers that run obituaries actually confirm what you're saying to them with a funeral home? saying to them with a funeral home I am being dead serious this guy was calling me and he's like the funeral home you put in doesn't exist and we need to verify the death in your family in order to run this obituary I hope that you put it to the audience like I love you guys are aware of this you have to deal with

an obituary for a family member out there being a silly goose pulling pranks for just yourself yeah do you ever notice that the fucking obituary be silly and it do be silly you gotta give them that it do be so obituaries be shopping so i went with the fake business that brendan and i made up called ralph's dead bodies in december he wasn't buying it so and i was the first ever person after i talked to uh someone in accounts payable later that week because i actually paid for the obituary package if you if you pay like 109 you can get that obituary listed in multiple okay and i was the first person ever to get refunded for that they refused to run my obituary because they could not confirm that the guy that i wrote it about was real wow so i was like well i want my money back they're like well do you have my obituary because they could not confirm that the guy that I wrote it about was real wow it sounds like well I want my money back they're like well do you have an obituary

to run I'm like yeah I'll take my business elsewhere where else in Camden County are you gonna run an obituary yeah why any of the newspapers still exist that you got banned from that's impressive yeah yeah banned from the Courier Post Mike Greenwald knows my name and face now I'm also been from Walmart but they're'm coming for you Mike. I didn't mean that Yeah, tag yourselves in knock them hang out with you Mike Your band from what you're bad for more. Yeah, I did that sober though. That was a teenage move That was so that was that crash or drink. No, that was just an additional. We'll save that one for your guys So the only fans or yeah, I appreciate that was an incredible additional we'll save that one for your guys uh the only fans or whatever i appreciate that was an incredible tip yeah yeah so if anybody could talk fake obituaries in the

ai revolution just let me know your poor wife dude you know you're down your basement drenched in sweat doing all this is a tough yeah this was at like one or two a.m and like he emailed me pretty early on saturday 8 30 for him i got it around one and then i responded and it went from there so i appreciate that's an incredible thing yeah so if anybody has any newspapers that don't verify information please let me know i need a contact at the star herald if anyone has yeah because i didn't take it anywhere else like i threatened them that i would but you're not chopping it around town i wasn't shopping around now some comedians are writing screenplays you're writing silly eventuaries because i don't know why i'm not making it in this business i just made up an

entire persona and you could feed that to like chat gpt and just say write an obituary about this person that worked as a waitress at a you know diner for 50 years and it'll do it yeah it's just you know they didn't believe it because there was no funeral on the different i guess that's the story oh that's good you got to get like give it up for somebody that works in a diner because very honestly my dad was on a jury trial here's a story that's not going to work at all but that's my again this is right after finding nemo he was on a jury trial and apparently the guy who did it was like one of our favorite waiters at a diner that we frequented oh yeah they said do you have any biases and my dad said no and then entire trial, my dad's totally biased.

He was pretty quick in the Brooklyn diet. Oh, yeah. That's been pretty good. He gets them off the emergency. He's like, he knows my toast order every time. We have surveillance photos of him shooting him in the face. My dad's like, he's a good man. He's that jazzed up to do his civil duties as a juror that he actually wanted to be on that jury. Yeah, he got a free hot dog

every day. Did the guy beat the charges? Did he beat the case? No, he got beat quickly. It's a remainist crime. Shout out to this guy. I hope he's still around. Did that get a gift certificate to the Brooklyn Diner for his service there?

No, they actually closed months later. They changed the name of it. Oh, what's there now? You should know that. You're Mr. Autistic for... Is it the one on the circle there? It's right on the circle. They didn't name the physical building. But it's that one that we're talking about. I don't know the name of it, but I was there in April.

Wow, we have officially stumped Dan on a local... Oh, local reference, Callahan, is going down in flames tonight. What do you want? I deem that a good story. I just wanted a drink. I mean, if you bring up a guy who doesn't play basketball. You don't want to hit him?

If you bring up a guy who doesn't play basketball, the Irish guy will take a drink and go on and say it. Well, I mean, you should want to kiss the picture of the Pope then. Oh, please. Give me a little PJP. Kiss the Pope. Kiss the Pope. Kiss the boat. Kiss it.

I threw it early today. It came directly from my goodwill. Oh, that smells like a good word coming in, too. It's a picture of a guy. I knew that going in. I went to Catholic school. I knew the deal. You know how many people have chanted kiss him in the Catholic church?

Yeah, there have been. The lesson they offered is, they were like, kiss that priest. and sam allen's got how many people have chanted kiss him and again yeah there are less than they offered us remember who's kind of in on it they're like kiss that please this is truly the most out of control 100th episode south jersey based podcast i have ever been a guest on at the tap room oh yeah yeah yeah i'm on the am radio we're exclusive we're jersey good boys well look do you want to would you like a free drink or would you like a crazy wild i'll take the drink and i got a kiss out of it you know and literally i got another one right here can you take a duck too i'm going to tell you guys that you can't take the tech tax i need these don't that sound that heavy when we're looking at the

dogs i'm taking this one dude it doesn't squeak but don't touch their hole and then put them back you got to take it or not all right we're going to leave it this is the most thought i've ever seen into duck selection this podcast is incredible guys this is this is the greatest podcast on board in the air we make millions of dollars though in several weeks all right we'll buy it bye dan get that free drink brother you're gonna have like people will knock on the table instead of clapping yeah i don't like that at all. No, they do that at the job that I'm about to quit in two days. And that's the biggest thing that I'm pumped about is I don't want to anymore be like,

yeah, it's a good quarter, good quarter. Perhaps we can discuss job, new jobs? Let me start, let me officially start the new job. I got a new job. And yeah, so I'm not going to be an international businessman anymore. I'm not going to travel internationally. That did stink. Yeah.

Y'all hate traveling to Europe or what? Well, you were in Europe. You went to, like, nude baths or something. Didn't you? In Australia? No, that was just me. It was me. I was in the sauna of the hotel I was staying in.

And just a full-on European dude was like, oh, by the way, we hang our penises out. We're going to wait here. You talked about that over the phone. I really thought you were in a sauna. I didn't realize you were in like a Holiday Inn. It was literally

a Holiday Inn Express. Whoa, look at this. What a nice street tough. You mentioned one handjob in a sauna and all of a sudden you're in a sauna. I came from London.

What's up, boys? How you doing? Noah Hogan. To the listener and viewer. To the people watching this, the set is much better than you can see. There's a penguin that you can't see.

There's a needlepoint that you can't see. It's beautiful. It's really more of setting the tone for the room. We don't need it all in the shot. We want people to feel the holiday spirit. It's good advertising to actually come to the tap room. There's an open mic after this in case some people here are worried. They also make a big chicken Caesar wrap.

But you have to ask for a chicken Caesar salad to be wrapped and that seems like a dilemma sometimes they get angry yeah that would shut me down dude if you ever wrap a salad at Bannock and go oh you never wrap a sack much you give up quick of course dude I see leafy greens and I panic I haven't had five or eight years we're all backed up can Can't wait to shake. I know. What would you like to tell us? Is it drinking or is it a Christmasy story?

I'll tell you a Christmasy story. Okay. So my uncle is a professional Santa boy. Ooh. He worked at a different mall before. He's not in the minor leagues. He's a pro. Oh, he's a pro.

He's a pro. Like, other malls have flown him out so he could be their Santa. Yeah. And, like, he's a pro oh he's a pro he's a pro like other malls have flown him out so he could be their santa yeah and like he's he's dominated this area if there's a picture of a child with santa in your home right now chances are it's my yeah how long how long has he been uh he's been in the game for like so statistically most of the people in this room have sat on your uncle's lap. They've sat on my lap! It's a weird thing to discover in a banquet hall unattached to a flower. My uncle was... It's like a survivor's meeting of molestation.

So I find out that my uncle was going to be in a parade. And I was like, cool! And he was like, well do you want to be in the parade? And I was like, of course I want to be in a parade! Why would I want to be in a parade? I'm the fucking nephew of Santa Claus. Yeah! I deserve to be in a parade. Yeah. And he's like, of course I want to be in a parade. Why would I want to be in a parade? I'm the fucking nephew of Santa Claus. Yeah, I deserve to be in a parade. Yeah.

And he's like, okay, so it's in Philly. You've got to be there at 6am. I was like, 6am? That sucks. It was at WMR and it was put on by Preston and Steve. Wow. So when I got there, I found out the theme of this parade was they believed that since this was the day before Thanksgiving so Wednesday before Thanksgiving right so they believed that since pilgrims are

known for the buckles on their hats that they're into sadomasochism so of course it was the WMMR Spanksgiving day parade there it is and I was like, oh, okay. Well, this is... How old were you again? I was probably a freshman in college. So I was probably like 19, 20. I was also... I was just imagining you were a child. Yes.

You're just... What's all this? I was just eight before. So I'm sitting in this truck. And I'm in the back of a pickup, and my uncle, with a stripper, is just in the back waiting for time. You call her Mrs. Claus. Aunt Mrs. Claus. Aunt Mrs. Claus is there, and they're like, we need some volunteers to be with the dominatrixes

we have. Wow. And I was like no and luckily I didn't like fully raise my hand because they grabbed these eight other dudes they come back in like straight jackets oh okay I was like oh okay uh so I was like I'm cool in the back of the truck and then Mrs Claus yeah he's kind of like she's pissed that's on the ninth day of christmas i didn't i didn't get a submissive oh boy this sucks yeah i didn't get one i was like well i don't want to disappoint mrs claus so i jump out of the pickup and now

i'm on like this trailer that's being dragged and put me on my hands and knees and I'm in a parade where this girl's hitting me with a riding crumb while my uncle dressed as Santa is going you've been naughty oh you've been bad you're getting cold and then we drove around Philadelphia this sounds like a scene from a Rob Zombie movie. You're finding out in real time you were molested. You're the first college freshman to be molested as a man. So they had it again, their sequel, another one of these. So I went back.

Now I'm fully in college and we're like, let's make a float. So we made a float that was pirates capture the Mayflower. And we tied up a pilgrim. And then we had these pirates that were whipping him.

And then I had a ball gag. And I ride a unicycle, if you guys don had a ball gag, and I ride a unicycle if you guys don't know. So I was just riding a unicycle. That's a bit of a footnote. You know what's funny is we didn't know, but we all knew. I didn't know, but there's no surprise

involved. You have to tell me, like, alright, you gotta name 20 things about Noah. I'd get to unicycle within 15. And probably ride a unicycle within 15. yeah probably rising you know i've got long hair glasses wrestling unicycle probably yeah somebody is still a couple weeks ago i asked for a ride home he's like i actually can't i gotta yeah yeah i got a flat and one's down the whole machine's down yeah you gotta get on the shoulders there's nothing sadder than a guy carrying a unicycle

oh yeah it's sad it's a sad man i think i really gave up so please but so you're getting this so your uncle sorry yeah yeah so uh they're they held it i think a total of four years so i've been two of them and you can actually look it up online it's me all right good so i'm doing viewer right here is where you're gonna to see a nice clip of just Gimp Noah over here. The most naughtiest reindeer of all. Yes. And if that's not the true reason for the season, then I don't know what is. You know what?

I think history gets rewritten every, like, thousand years anyway. At some point, people are going to celebrate. They're going to be like, did you bring the Noah from the tree? Strap him up. Yeah. You didn't bring the ball gag? I thought you brought the ball gag. My mom has the ball gag. Classic 70s sitcoms. I thought you had the ball gag. Well, they sold the ball gag to get the handcuffs and then the other person sold their handcuffs to get the ball gag. It was all a gift to the Magii situation it's part of the industry you guys would yeah you're doing the white elephant exchange and

it's just all leather daddy materials i love it all right do you want to do you want a beverage or a shot at a sweet sweet gift a fun fun gift i spent 45 days i i really want the drink but i feel like content-wise you would really prefer that I get one. Oh, right. We're not good at this. Sometimes we're bad at podcasts. I've been doing it the entire time. How many of you guys have said the name of this podcast since you started? No, we started off and said

that rules. Christmas is starting. For two people, the do-rag and the deer tag. Good to see everybody. Thank you guys. You said you want a fun little treat? Yes, for content reasons, I'll take a fun little treat. Very quickly, just so you, everybody. Thank you, guys. Please. Well, you said you want a fun little treat? Yes, for content reasons, I'll take a fun little treat. Very quickly, just so you get one. We can do this to everybody.

Can you do a fun little clap? Can I do a fun little clap? Yes, the funnest clap you can do. There it is. That's pretty fun. I'm going to touch my body. It's a little quiet. Do you want me to dunk on the boat as well?

Oh, you were probably expecting this. It's a giant armory. Oh, you were probably expecting this. It's a giant Amaria. Oh, it's a giant Amaria. Alright, thanks. I got it with label. I still don't know what it is. I don't either. It was $14.00. It was $14.00.

There was no price tag. How do I care for this? There was no... We don't really know. I think it sounded like a Mogwai situation. If you get it right after midnight, it'll come to life. I had Walgreens, gave me a weird load. And then I entered my mom's phone number for rewards. And got $8 off.

I just love the image of you getting this and the boxer forks I had to call the other shit in the bag and he's like I actually sold one of these earlier today I put it in the bag it fell all over you want to hold this? I was like yeah I should probably hold this you know the guy talked you into buying an amaryllis it looks like it's going to be beautiful

the picture is a beautiful red flower the object appears to be an onion it's starting oh it's got me the picture is a beautiful red flower. The object appears to be an onion. Like, it's starting, like, there's a, oh, it's got me! No, I'm sorry. Like, I just see more. You could also do what I do every time a plant dies, but it comes in a cool planner. I'll rip

everything out, and then this is, like, my new drinking glass. No, this just comes out. Oh, sweet. So do you just want some rocks? No. I can dunk with this if you'd like. Oh, dunk, dunk, dunk.

Dunk the Poe. Dunk the Poe. Thank you. I'll dunk with this. Here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this is podcast history. You've never seen an Amaryllis bulb. Don't get a drumroll.

A drumroll. I didn't pronounce that. Drumroll. It's not just the bulb. It's also the Hulk. Yeah. Well, that's my book. The Incredible Hulk is my book.

All right. Gotcha. Here we go. More in bulk. got to hurry up. Oh my God. Oh my God. That was incredible. That was incredible. For the listener

at home, I know humor where we're holding this is historically known for having a very shitty spotlight that is just an extension cord run to the top of a speaker. No way in the most athletic movies ever performed in his life.

Hiptic. I'll say this. A killer windmill dunk. That was an incredible dunk. We'll have to check the tape. Did he complete the dunk? Yeah, not even remotely. Not even a little bit. Couldn't even dunk

an onion, dude. Couldn't even dunk an onion, dude. That's a hell of a saying right there. That's our new merch. Can't even dunk an onion. Millions of fans clamoring. That was incredible. It's good to know that in the stat line, the extension cord got a block. I'll give enough for Noah for that.

Yeah. You can move it. All right. Well, the light pointing at the ceiling does us no good. So we're going to move on. Yeah, that was our biggest issue the lighting was a little yeah I don't know I'm having fun you know I'm having a great time I was so excited about the Dunkin Onion that was also the funniest gift I had so I kind of blow my load kind of earlier that

wasn't the rest of the time I got a Peter off a little bit now Dunkin Onion sounds like we're heading that direction with foods that are offered at Dunkin Donuts yeah they're gonna're heading that direction with foods that are offered at Dunkin' Donuts. Yeah. They're going to have it awesome awesome at some point, right? I would man. So we have to copyright Dunkin' Onions real quick. We should get in the game. We should get in the legal game. Yeah, Dunkin' Onions.

Everybody in there smells like they've been fucking Dunkin' Onions. I was at one yesterday. The customers. You friggin' jerks. Good save. Thanks. That was pretty cool. Sorry, so you were being racist?

Yeah, man. Fighting Nemo. Good movie, good tale, good time. I wanna see if you can go three for three and redeem yourself with a good story of you and your dad. I'm doing little quips today. I'm just a quip guy. You're handling the tales, dude. I'm festive as fuck. Do you have any Christmas stories what are you any fun yeah no one time I was there hockey table and it broke that morning and then my mom my dad got the fight oh yeah stories like that dude yeah no I have a I think I told over here before my dad got he got me the Fisher-Price three-in-one pool ping-pong and air hockey table you guys remember this bag and they was like really really big back in the 90s and uh they went out for new year's with their friends my parents went

out there for new year's with their friends yeah and got hammered and my dad was like running his mouth to his friend he's like dude i can fucking beat you in anything like i'm incredible at anything competitively so they're running back and forth like talking shit to each other he's like we got a fucking pool table at the house why don't you come over after this and we fucking prove it. Yeah. So being the degenerate gambler my father was, they started betting like thousands of dollars at the bar. Really?

And they were just like, we're going to fucking see who the best is. They just came home to definitely shit-faced. They came home to like our babysitter. They're like, get out of the way, Beth. We got a fucking score to settle down in the basement. And my dad brought his friend down there and i remember he was like all right here it is my dad's buddy would always be like i walked down expecting this like championship level pool table yeah and i walked

down to your fisher price three and one thing pulling that's what they want air hockey center my dad and him uh then from that point uh just played air hockey ping pong and uh pool for like three and a half hours. And they just slept upstairs? Yeah, they just kept gambling. Yeah. So shout out to my dad and Herbie, his friend. Isn't that a great name for a fucking dude that is a gambler?

Yeah. I don't know if Herb is a bad gambler. I shouldn't say that. Did you pick up any of the gambling gene? You don't really get into it. No, no, I didn't. I'm a terrible gambler because i'm dumb so like now i just lean into like oh my dad had a gambling problem as to how i don't lose money now okay it's pretty great last time i was just in vegas for

uh my job and uh i took 200 out to go play roulette and i was like all right i'm gonna just do this like for the experience have fun you know. You know, I'm in Vegas. I'm not drinking I gotta do something Vegas II and I walked around and every table just looked so sad Oh, yeah, and every person I was just like depressed that I just like did two laps and I was like I guess I'm just gonna go back to my room. Yeah, it's tough in your Atlantic City and you're there like 1 a.m 2 a.m. Gambling and you see older women using the slots and they hit it with their long titties But nights got out of hands and I'll go out there. I'll make a neck massage to a woman gambling at 1, 2am. Let me say that as a PSA.

If you're at the casino, maybe the Trump casino, the Hillary Clinton casino, go up to an older woman and touch their shoulders. Do it. You can show them this clip on YouTube as you go up to them. Be like,

hey, watch this real quick and then rub their shoulders. See what happens. Just try it out. You guys are going to like it. It could be your long lost grandmother.

Does anybody have a fun gift that can beat 3-1 pool set or Matt's dad? When he beat you up, what happened? Well,

he never put his hand and we thought we had kissed. We, coffee breath. Who's got a good... You got a good present, Andrew? All right, ladies and gentlemen,

Andrew Boss. Who is Andrew Boss? Oh, yeah. Please, take a seat. Shout out to the high loop. I don't think she... High hoop. She doesn't watch this podcast anymore,

but she makes this for free. Yeah, a nice lady who listens to the podcast made us this sweet, embroidered thing, and I'm almost certain she's never listened to an episode i'm gonna be dead serious i don't think she had i think she just like she so the whole thing is the lady gets high and does cross stitches which is pretty cool i think she would just scroll through instagram it was like that

name's cool i want to put it on the thing didn't she ask you what the name was no she didn't she messaged me she was like i just think your name of the podcast is like, I love Sam. Walk around my house going, that rules. That rules. Yes, that's a bonus. Sorry, Andrew Voss, ladies and gentlemen. Yes. Do you mind if I swap hats or is this one? I mean, unless you want to be a fucking cringe. I'm going to keep it.

All right. So what do you want to tell us? Drinking or Christmas? Or Indiana Jones, that thing just rolled at us real quick. Or do you want to tell us a drinking slash Christmas story? You got one of those? So I came up here to defend Atlantic City because I was just there. You? Yeah, it's me. I like the slots. They're fun. They're fun at 2 a.m.

My favorite one is Sex and the City. You can do quite well. Do you sit there and just go I'm such a Miranda martinis at the slot has a given with a paper cup you are a bitch it wasn't clear before it is now I actually went to the casino one time with a fellow comedian Josh Ryan and And then we proceeded to eat at the casino bar. Nice. Where they will let you play games and order nachos at the same time.

And that played out exactly like you think it did. Slippery cheesy fingers on the stairs. Yeah, and I kept winning and then Josh kept ordering nachos. He's the only person in history that ordered dessert nachos. You guys are living like an 11-year-old's dreams. Bring me the choes, baby. It was great. The hat's coming off.

I'll let you guys choose. Do you want a drinking story or a Christmas story? Drinking. We'll have the original bit of. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking. Okay.

The Hollywood Diner was mentioned and uh i will tell this story in full it's going to take 12 and a half years uh you can fact check minutes you can fact check every bit of this i uh i played in a an adult men's very highly competitive soccer league in south jersey it existed existed. It still does. And every team needed a sponsor. The sponsor for our team, you guessed it, Hollywood Diners. Oh, that's a good sponsor. Yeah, it's great because every Wednesday and Sunday, you got to go there post-game, pretend you won, and drink.

Post-game comedy show. January 4th. Be there. Look at that. We were live to the bartenders. No matter how the game went, we won every game. We were league champs every time. You think that was what was going to be the determining factor if those bartenders fucked you?

I mean, I'm not a fucking loser. You're the winning goalie? How are we going to win? Yeah, my boyfriend's like a doctor, but this guy didn't run into bullshit soccer teams. Maybe other guys from another town. He's drunk. Would you guys stay from another town. He was drunk. Would you guys stay in uniform? Yes, of course.

That's all men. Menly as shit. One night, they were making special drinks for us, which were creamsicles. Oh, wow. Yeah, so a bunch of post-college men. Yeah, that's just the adult version of bringing orange slices to a soccer game. I got creamspes of gold. Except the bartender definitely wanted us to leave.

So she kept making the drinks stronger and stronger. And it did not have the desired effect. Wait, is that a tactic bartenders do? You know what would get them out of here if they're drunker. Yes, yes. They have to leave. We get so fucked up at this bar. Are we allowed to use that language on the pod?

Frig the head cop. Frig the head cop. And we were people throwing up all over the place. I'm like, you know what's going to work? A text to my girlfriend who lives in, oddly enough, Swedesburg, also previously mentioned. Just call her. She doesn't answer. So I do the only thing you can do when we've had 12 creamsicles drive to her house after you have your 13th dreams it's a magic number did you have a creamy on the road like is it leaking over all your mother I take them all with me really I take one to go everywhere what song were you

singing while you're driving? Just a... Backstreet. All right. Backstreet. Because it's the cadence. Backstreet. And you're taking backstreet because you're going to get pulled over by the... It's all there. So it's one of these classic moments, classic goof, where you had your 13th creamsicle

and then you wake up naked in the living room of your girlfriend's apartment that she shares with her parents oh nice now notice i didn't say remember driving there or getting out of the car or why my clothes are off very quickly i just uh it makes total sense that your girlfriend lived with her parents and they were in the apartment yeah that is the type of women i look for. So you wake up, you have a crummy belly, and you're fully disoriented. And I'm naked as shit.

And I just politely walk back to her room, who none of her sheets are on her bed. And she's just staring at me as I walk in the door. Like, why is this happening? She goes, well, you knocked on the door. You were very quiet. You got up all 14 stairs. And then you immediately threw up all over yourself. That's pretty cool.

Standing up. Yeah. That's impressive. And then you pushed me out of the way, laid down on my bed face first, and did it again. Ooh. And then wouldn't wake up. So her and her mother had to get me out of this bed. Drag me into the shower. Shower me.

Ooh, this is getting hot as hell. Not if you see my little wiener. End up drug me into the living room where they left me to die. They're like, listen, we drug. And if that's where it ends, that's where it ends. Wait, they bathed you and put you in the living room? Yeah, her mother sucked My little dangle bear. This is a search result in Pornhub for half of his room. You know what?

A mother and daughter bang fat drunk guy. He can't come because he can't feel it. Who's wearing a soccer uniform? They just called me Leonardo. No, I didn't. You had a hat trick of puke

and that girl's in horror. The eye contact at Christmas was terrible. How long did you guys stay together after that? Eight years. And that kids is how I met your mother.

Probably enough. Side note, she's now married to my ex-best friend. What? Just, I mean, this is, that's it. That's it. Just the fact you have an ex-best friend. Oh, I have two ex-best friends. They're best friends now?

They probably are. They went so far one day, he's like, you know who fucking sucks? He's like, yeah, Andrew Boss. No, dude.rew boss no dude me too yeah i fucking hate that guy too he's like this guy can't even handle his creamsicles do you think they're on a podcast somewhere talking about no this is that's how they met i just now realized that this ties back in the night that me and josh ryan felt fellow comedian josh ryan uh went to the casino to eat nachos at the at the casino bar um we saw them and i ran like a child yeah from that area i was like oh they're new sex in the city i gotta move just bolt bolted like a bolt of lightning

all right that's it it's not very good story all right what do you want to do i think i heard it All right, that's it. It's not a very good story. I don't think I heard it. I don't think it's a great story. Truly, a very nice tale of love and lust. And if you're asking, I have never had a creamsicle since. All right, well, if we could, actually, we're going to pick. If we could get him a creamsicle from the bar.

Can I have a creamsicle drink? We're trying to see Andrew's dick tonight. That's going to be the conversation. Well... Hey, you want a fun gift too? You want a treat? I thought it was decided for me. A treat. What's it gonna be?

Guys, how about a drum roll for the treat? Yeah, bush, baby! gonna be guys how about a drum roll to the tree yeah andrew boss everybody thank you i think it's all intimidating that josh lyon can come up and defend himself. He's got such a good name. Yes, nachos. Fuck, booze! What are you doing? Dessert nachos, Josh Ryan.

It's hard to tell who boozed at ball 19. Who would've known? Can you? Can that be your name? Can that be your comedy name? Like, hamburger, dessert nachos. We all know comics that have nicknames go far. Yeah, funny man, John Montag. Alright, can we talk about nachos. We all know comics that have nicknames go far. Yeah. Funny man, John Montag. All right. Can we talk about nachos?

They're the same fucking stage right now. Fine, man. It's fucked up, dude. You can take it for yourself. We can put it right on you if you don't fucking glasses and jacket. It's supposed to be good. Yeah, you're right. My bad.

It's a lovely rule, all right? Thank you. All right. I don't drink, so I don't have any good drunk stories, but... good on tape wait you have you're good right okay for now or later you know you later you need it i need some later if you don't like it oh sure what's your uh good table it's here uh my what you're good you're a good fun story well i went i was blackout drunk when andrew boss picked me up to go to philly Live Casino. You were Philly Live? Yeah.

You guys were at AAC, the Land of Freedom. You were over in the parking lots that people get underage drinking in at Eagles Game. Yeah, underage drinking. Nice. We were on the elevator with eight people. This is how drunk I was. And it's two floors or whatever. So as soon as the door shut, I let out what arguably is the biggest fart I've ever had.

Multiple seconds, loud. I'm going to guess it was very stinky as well. So the door is open. Good morning. I'm in the elevator right now. I'm picturing it. That's something I would have said. Also, to know exactly how many people are in the elevator is the most autistic thing.

True, yeah. You like RoboCop. You clock how many people are dead. Target acquired. Release. So I farted. There's also a picture of me going around. I would never make fun of my adult special needs uncle.

But I pee like him sometimes. He takes his pants and puts them down around his ankles with the urinal and pees. Yes. And I off do that when I'm drinking. Yeah. Man, who would have thought that comics have fucked up uncles? Andrew's a degenerate gambler. The reason I ate nachos, I did it out of spite.

Because I paid for an earlier meal. I didn't ate nachos, I did it out of spite. Because I paid for an earlier meal. I didn't want them. You enjoyed Mexican cuisine out of anger? Yeah, the only thing better than dessert nachos is spite nachos. I enjoyed nothing. A little extra zest. Yo, this guy is angry as hell. So he's just killing it at the fucking slot machine, like a seven-year-old woman, and

out of spite because it was his tab. I ordered nachos after we had a meal of food. Nice they big shows or not like what do we talk give me like a for instance like dimensions on these bed they were it was a bit were you sucking finger after our plate yes and then touching a dirty sloppy oh my god my grandma goes in those casinos my grandma licks the screens at those casinos. I'm going to be honest. I'm just now realizing that dessert nachos just means you had nachos after a meal, not that you had ice cream-based nachos.

I always picture cracked-up cannolis and ice cream. If that doesn't exist, that needs to exist. Dessert nachos at my house at Christmas this year, you can fucking count on that everybody So that's it Andrew boss was right On holiday tales, I feel like you got us some fun ones you come from an Irish Catholic family. Yeah. Yeah any fun

You're farting church. i have yeah those pews are incredible you have that reverberation definitely yeah um i like to fart um actually named pew because when you make that fart you go oh cute that's a brought to you by tech decks yeah i'm scared my grandma's gonna die i had another for you pals i just wanted to let everybody know that it wasn't dessert nachos it It was nachos after a meal. All right. Well, you can look out for their new store they're going to open up. Josh and Andrew's Dessert Nachos.

Coming to the greater. Dan, where's Day Calhoun? You're autistic. Where's a good place in South Jersey for a restaurant? Yeah, like what town right now? Never mind. This is this. Go to Bridgeton down in Decombin.

I guarantee you, you look it up, it's like a really nice pie. It's on a name board. I guarantee. You will get stabbed. What do you want? You want to dunk on the poke or what? No, I want a treat. You want a treat?

You want a sweet little treat? I'm You want a sweet treat? You shouldn't have. Steven, how about these on here? Well, Josh, you're probably our final guest of the night. Oh, sad. They don't have bagels. Jesus. Well, Josh, I'm going to give you both of the final treats. What do you think about that?

I think I'm a lucky son of a gun. You are a lucky son of a freaking crap. We don't put up that air here. We just eat chocolates. I'm like stuck between love over and drunk. You know that? I'm kind of disappointed.

I feel like we can wrap it up with a better story for me. I'm going to be honest. You've got to have a good story. Good drinking story. Who do you think's the hottest I went to AC and again,

I was blackout drunk before I went to AC. I woke up blackout driving before I went to AC. I woke up. You drove? No, I was pretty drunk. We can be honest. I woke up in my bed 45 minutes from Atlantic City at 2 o'clock in the afternoon with sand, urine, and somebody else's cell phone in my bed.

Do you think it was someone else's urine as well? I hope so. An SVU type of thing. The victim's got sand, urine, and somebody else's cell phone. When I tried to put my charger into this other person's phone, this is all wildness so it's not like I feel. So I ruined

that phone because I used a charger from a different phone and rammed it in. With sand and pee. And sand and piss all over my bed. And poop, I'm not going to lie. A little bit of poop. Do you think at any point...

They're playing us off. Do you think at any point when they were designing the iPhone, they were like, all right, we got everything figured out. And one guy's like, what if he gets sand, poop, and pee in it? And they're like, god damn it, we got to go back to the engineers we're gonna read his eyes I think that's right I get the promo they say there's just a plug that covers up the port true that's a bad one to go with these you're gonna look at an eye break you fixed one of those so you shit I Well, Josh, for an incredible tale like that, you have earned yourself a

Lunchable and Chicken Fried Baby Food. A lunchable and a lunchable. Yes, dude. Chicken Fried Baby Food. Yeah. That sounds like a ska band. I spent a break on dessert nachos, by the way.

Yeah, now if you could just assemble a nice lunchable nacho for us for the open mic, that would be incredible. Without question. Thank you. Happy holidays to you. Happy holidays to you. Go Birds. Give it up for Josh. Josh, what's your idea?

Leave it in. All right, well, I think that has been all our time, John. Do you have any parting wishes or things you'd like to say to our incredible audience? First of all, give it up for yourselves for smaller events. Give it up for yourselves for being here. No, thank you.

If any of you guys are listeners or viewers, thank you. And to the listeners and viewers, thank you for the last 100 episodes. Here's to maybe like 12 more. Maybe 13 or 14. Thank you to you. You've been fucking episodes. Here's to maybe like 12 more. Maybe you got 13 or 14 on the back. Thank you to you. You've been fucking awesome. It's been nice to grow with you.

It is. It's cute. You can all it up. It's been fun to do 100 episodes. We still haven't talked about anything yet. I don't think we've ever covered any good issue or anything. Thank you to you for being able to be a with me for 100 episodes absolutely and if my grandma never dies i'll kill myself so uh well we're actually gonna

we're gonna broadcast that's gonna be the 150th episode right before her viewing her wake to fucking wake up get durfed off pop keg at my grandma's funeral balloon balloons just say r.i.P my grandma keeps getting dogs and they keep dying like 8 years um look guys

that's been our episode thank you guys again this is that rules podcast if you're here please go subscribe on YouTube and listen and have fun

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