That Rules Podcast - Episode #102: Passion of the Koy

Episode Date: January 17, 2024

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we're the official the we're the official podcast that's ending when you can say Happy New Year. Did you know people say it too late into the New Year? Yeah. Like the 7th or the 8th should be your cutoff. This episode is the official cutoff of when you can say Happy New Year because we didn't get in yet. Yeah, but I'd like to do that, but I'm also the guy

who says my birthday's coming up and it's like nine months away. Are you a birthday month guy? Not really at all. I actually spice it up a little bit because I try to be like Mr. Like, I don't even let people know it's my birthday. And you have about six birthdays in a row where nobody says a word to you and you're like, oh, this is actually pretty upsetting. Oh, yeah. I thought I was Mr. Cool Guy and then I just went to an open mic one year and then went

home and went to bed and I was like, I got to maybe just at least let my mom talk to me. Yeah, but it's sad because your birthday does matter less or less every year that you get older. Speak for yourself. I got the big 2-8 coming up. Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything. No, it's the big 2-8.

But it's like it means nothing. I can finally legally drink. Ooh, there you go. Yeah. You can legally, you've had to be off your parents' insurance for three years now, right? No, for one year.

And man, that is, I'll tell you what, I can feel that $34 coming out of every paycheck. Yeah. I was looking at it, signed up all the new stuff on the new job. That happened.

I got a new job since we've last been on the air. I need to max win. I was filling everything out and I hit that moment where I was like, I mean, do I even really need insurance? And then immediately got sick

right after that. It was like my body's way of being like, yes, dude, you're old now. Yeah. You need this shit. It really is. I had a reactionary dental insurance plan.

Like I went and I had to get a couple fillings and then that was $900. And then I waited for open season at my job and then signed up for insurance and I just refused to go to the dentist now. The reactionary plan is you open your mouth and they just react to whatever's in there. That's not good.

You should see a real dentist. I didn't want to spend money so bad that I went to the dentist and I was like, just pull the tooth. And he was like, you're 22. I'm not fucking ripping teeth out of your head right now. Also, it's all your front teeth. You just take them. I think I would have more of a charm if I had less teeth.

My teeth hold me back. You have good teeth. You have a good teeth. You have a really good tooth. They've got a little more yellow over the past year. That's life, bro. But I will say- A lot of coffee?

Tons of coffee. Yeah. I mean, the amount of coffee I mean the amount of coffee I'm drinking as much as it kills you you gotta force yourself to drink coffee through a straw

more and not swish it are you a swisher? well no it's Star Beasley who stopped me from fucking they used to give

you straws and now they say suck on our cup that's what Starbucks said like three years ago they stopped giving straws it says it on there

but they put it in a cute like Christmas font yeah they said suck the cup happy holidays and suck the cup suck our cup

suck it suck it. At Starbucks shit, they get some more masculine fan base if they started channeling that fucking wrestling dork stuff you guys like. I don't do that because I'm too busy

doing like business and shit, but I think you liked wrestling or whatever. I didn't, I wasn't allowed to like wrestling when I was a young youth and that's why I like it now, I think.

Your dad wanted you to do theater? Yeah. Performing. Performing arts. But it was, yeah, I wasn't allowed to watch it, so I would watch it in secret. Oh, that's so sad. I talked about this on Shader's podcast. Like, ECW would be on late night on, like, local access for Philly.

Yeah. And whenever, in our house, you weren't allowed to have a TV in your room growing up. But if you were sick, my parents would take this, this like extra one that we had and we'll put in your room when you were sick so that you could just lay in bed all day and watch tv oh that's kind of me my sister would just see you could hang on to it the longest yeah it'd be four weeks post sick you just back and it would still be in there and i would turn it on and it was glorious because one was ecw i was like a 12 year old boy i'm watching dudes beat each other up and then all the commercials were girls going wild. Yeah.

So it was just a true introduction. You'd hear that steel drum hit, and you'd have to poke your head out the door, and you're like, yeah, my mom and dad are asleep. I can get down to business in here. You're a better man than me. I was such a pussy that I would be like, I can't look at this smut. No?

It was longer than a 30-second ad. It was like eight minutes long. Because I would try to come back,. It was like eight minutes long. Yeah. Because I would try to come back, and I was like, I cannot watch this. Well, no, this is – we also discussed, if you watched it enough, you would know when the commercial break was going to be. Because it would always be like the first one would be like health insurance and then something else, and then the second commercial break

was always Girls Gone Wild. Yeah. And then like the fourth one was too. So they knew what they were doing with ECW. They would put like a ladies bikini match on. Yeah. Leading into the fourth one was too. They knew what they were doing with ECW. They would put a ladies bikini match on leading into the fourth commercial break. They're just keeping you horny the whole damn time.

Remember they had Ashley Madison? Do you want to cheat on your fat wife or what? Oh shit, I guess so. Yeah, maybe. I don't have one, but alright. I remember watching it as a kid. I was like, man, I hope I never cheat on my fat wife. But apparently they had services where you can call discreetly. It was like a call-in service. You don't remember hearing about this?

Where it was specifically designed for people to cheat. Well, that was a website. Ashley Madison was a website. But you're saying there was a hotline? I think there were initially a hotline. At least that was my interpretation. That was my first introduction into smut was 1-800-WET-GIRLS. Oh my god, dude. Episode title right there.

1-800-WET-GIRLS. It was back on payphones. You yep uh 1-800 wet girls and you could it was back on pay phones you could call 1-800 numbers for free from them for some reason i don't know why this was but anytime me and the boys would come across a pay phone yeah we dial out 1-800 wet girls and you'd listen in the beginning a girl would come on she'd be like oh yeah just like guys you go into one stop and give me some beef jerky i get the first three minutes oh she really likes me guys and we would just listen to the options like the menu options yeah that's good enough press three if you're a big boy yeah dude you didn't need much i would rewind fucking vcr like press the number on the dial pad of inches you are you're like nine i'm

definitely not nine yeah you hit one to hit zero afterwards like oh, ooh, one inch. Like, no, I'm 10. You just click star. I'm a superstar down there, actually. It's the biggest. There was 1-800-WET-GIRLS, and then there was the trick where you would call a certain number and hang up three times, and it would make the phone ring back. So we would get people with that all the time. Like, you'd call it, hang it up three times, run around the corner, and some schmuck would

be coming out of the one-stop shop, getting his cigarettes and beef jerky,ky and hear it ring and you'd see if dudes would answer it and then you'd laugh and run that was the whole thing oh my god that sounds like what happened there jaybird really elaborate oh yeah the amount of this yeah as i say i mean also there wasn't a lot to do true as a you this was you i was old enough to like ride my my bike outside of the neighborhood. You could ride in the immediate area. My limits were I could ride up to Taco Bell, I was allowed to. Okay, good. But you push the limits as a bad little boy.

Not I. You're like, I'm going over to Oak Valley today. I'm going to go explore what those fucking dummies are doing over there. I hate when you would go to Oak Valley back in the day. I'd go to Oak Valley, rip around. You flip a kid off at the basketball courts and then ride away real fast. That was you? You started turf war.

You bastard, dude. I was just trying to hoop with my boys. You were three. That man gave me the jingles. You had your bike stolen. I think we talked about it on here. My favorite bike, man. My Dyno NSX.

Satin red. Matte finish. Ooh. I came all over that thing, dude. Matte finish. You finished all over it. I got them back when I was 12. I was like, that thing, dude. Matt Finish. You finished all over it. I got them back when I was 12. I was like, take this, pussy.

Just on your bike. My sister got it stolen outside of a, it sounds like a porn name. My sister and her friend, that also sounds like one, took her bike and my bike up to CVS to go get some snacks and just left them unattended outside. And they came back out and her bike was still there because it sucked. But my fucking sweet baby dyno NSX that sat in Matt Red Finish. Matt Red, there it is. Red Matt Finish was taken.

It was taken from me. It's like you're calling out football plays. Red Matt Finish. I immediately went into Liam Neeson taken mode. I was just, like, riding around the neighborhood on my new bike, which is a Schwinn Predator Pro. Yeah, sure. Dumb bike. It's all they had in stock at Hot Wheels.

Action Wheels, that's what it was called. Yeah, thank God. And we rode around and me and the neighborhood boys, my fellas, we went on a search for that bike and we never did find it, but I know for a fact, the kid that stole it just painted it green and he was really tough, so I couldn't call him out on it. Yeah, and now that kide biden so i think we mentioned him on here before i think that

was is the bad kid from your neighborhood is he still alive uh i didn't socialize till i was like 14 but you knew who the bad kid was yeah there was nobody that your parents your parents are that not worried about you like i mean my neighbor used to have parties and i would i would sit there with my parents like all of our arms crossed looking out the window being like the bullshit that these people pull but there wasn't like there wasn't a first kid in your neighborhood that like lit stuff on fire or set off fireworks or did like the bad kid stuff i don't think so no no i think if you don't know who that kid was it was you man no i was i'm telling you he was a loser though i was a little pussy bull i was a tiny little scared guy.

Danny was the bad kid in my neighborhood. Oh, yeah, we had Danny, too. Eventually, Danny got sent to one of those camps in the wilderness. I have to say, that almost took a turn real quick. No, I mean, guys, if you're going to be goofballs about it, I'm trying to be serious and talk about Danny. Yeah, please, we've got to get this ironed out. Danny got sent to, there's a new documentary called Hell

Camp on Netflix. And it's about like these camps in the wilderness in like Utah where these people would just be like, we'll take your kids and we're just going to put them out in the wilderness till they're not bad anymore. Turns out they were just neglecting the kids and they were dying. Yeah, absolutely. That's kind of what I would expect to happen.

Yeah, they're not like having fun. This kid got sent to the woods. His neighbor, who was also bad, his name was Bo, he got sent to Military Academy and got beat with a sock full of batteries the first night from mouthing off. That's a crazy weapon choice, dude. What, a sock full of Bs? Sock full of Bs.

I don't know what. Triple A or double A. I think it was, like, a couple triples. No, no, those are D batteries. Those are stick fuckers. It's like watch batteries. Four of them. Enough of those together. You might as well no, those are D batteries. Those are stick fuckers. It's like watch batteries. There's like four of them. Enough of those together.

You might as well be a sock full of pennies. Yeah, like, ah. I mean, I guess. You're not going to feel it. It stung, I guess. That's such an Italian fucking weapon, dude.

The Itals, you guys will just find anything. Oh, fuck you. Yeah, we're swinging it in a circle and I'm going to smash you with it. Is that an Italian weapon? Huh?

That's an Italian weapon? I realize you're still puffed up. Are you cold? What's going on? I didn't take it off. I was too busy shredding the NAR before this. I was too busy.

We did. We also walked up, and Matt looked at your steps, and he was like, I could ollie down these. I'm turning to leave at 2024, dude. I'm going back to being 13. Matt, I got a penny board right back there. Penny board? I'll shred that thing.

If you could ollie a penny board, you're definitely going to break your arm. I'll get butt naked and skate that thing anywhere, dude. I show no fear anymore. Yeah, the hill's outside yeah you want it oh well that makes me very scared barely made it up the hill and you're like i can skate down that i would like the temptation has been there since i moved here but i have yet to do bomb the hill nope i have not bombed i would get so if you go you don't realize how fast if i was going down that hill i would know exactly how jesus felt on the cross like right before he died i'd be like wow i'm doing

this for the greater good. Why have you forsaken me? Speed wobbles right down there. No, it was a thing. The guys I lived with in college, we lived on a hill and half of us had longboards. I never had a longboard. I had that little thing. That was like a thing. You get wasted and just bomb down the hill.

Yeah, you lose. It never ended well for me. I did not have the talent. Turns out skateboards don't have brakes. We talked about this in an earlier episode. I don't think I've ever been good at any of this. I used to skateboard and I couldn't do that. I really could have never rallied down the stairs. Can you ice skate?

No. Dude, we gotta take Matt ice skating. Why don't we do stuff I'm good at? I've been hitting the ice a lot. Yeah? Yeah, I'm starting to realize how unathletic you are. You're fucking out of your mind, dude. You're very unathletic. You're a good basketball

player. That's it. Lacrosse you got into once. You ever see me on the stage? I move around, dude. I do actouts. I'm talking about all-around athleticism. I've put this gauntlet down there before, pre-video. I'd like to state that in the greater Philadelphia area, I think

I'm top five all around athletic comedian. Oh my fucking God. Name somebody that can do, you gotta be able to do a lot. He's going to say, you got to do a wide array and name the things he's good at. Name things. I'll tell you if I'm good at them.

If we did a 40 yard dash, I'm blowing you out of the water. Okay. But if we ran a mile, I'm going to torch you. That's not athleticism. It is. That's like old ladies.

What qualifies as athleticism? Like what metrics are you using? Passing crossover dribbles. If we do fundamentals, setting a good screen. Running a weave with two other fellas. Not dunking to be a show off. Flopping, man. Flopping.

I've flopped a lot. Solid free throws. Even if they're underhand. I did actually get like a little thing of like when I was in high school of being a flopper. And people thought I was doing it to draw fat. I was just tired. I just knew I could lay down if I went down for a second and you'd see me like huffing and puffing. You're still catching flops like at work.

A guy bumps into you like oh. Play the game right. I'm like none of this is right. Speaking of I got I watched We're not breezing over this. I'm an athlete. You're right. Okay. Okay. If we truly. Name things. Okay. If we did if we did a mile run you got me. If we did a 40-yard dash, I think I got you.

I might be able to take you in. Not now. I haven't been running lately. I've been lazy. I think I could get up there. I was, like, not fast, but I wasn't slow. Yeah. It's all about the first couple steps.

You've got to be fast out of the gate. What about, like, being a good dad? I'm crushing it at that. I don't even know how good I could be. I have an unrealized potential. I'm doing pretty good at that. You're like a steady veteran, and I'm like a high draft pick. I'll say this.

I can pick up any sport, and you won't be like, he's never done that. I can make it look like I've done. I found this out because I just went and ice skated and had a stick in my hand for the first times. First times. First times. Playing hockey on ice. Not a hockey stick. Just a nice guy.

How'd you do, John? I'm not terrible. Granted, it was just me. It was me before the actual guys played hockey. So it was a bunch of guys playing a couple pickup games, and they said, when we shoot around, you can just come out. And then in between, when we're wrestling, you can go out. So I immediately became the Mites on Ice,

to the point where I looked like just a special needs maker kid. And at one point, because knew like half of the guys there at one point they're like all right that's game send out the mites on ice and i'm like come on man don't make it weird yeah and i just was out there just ripping slap shots on an empty net the goalie even said he's like you want me to get net i was like next week yeah that's next time have you gone back since i uh also snuck onto the outdoor rink over by where we live so you didn't play with other people you shot alone alone? I skate around with the fellas. You should have started to fight.

I just air fought in the corner. No, the fellas skated around you, John. I wasn't bad. I'm learning how to cut. I'm learning how to go from skating forward to switching to backwards. The thing that's helping me is taking my daughter, because she goes on those little skate assistant things, like the skate buddies.

She just hangs over the front and I just push her around on that thing and I fly. You need to go and skate on one of those. If you do it behind me, yeah, okay. Isn't that one where I hang on it and you push it from behind? I'll push it from behind you. John, what you've got to get good at now is you've got to start pulling and skating backwards.

So I did that. I took her yesterday. It was a daddy-daughter day. We'd been cooped up inside sick, and I was like, babe, we're going to hit the ice. We're going to go get the skates on at the ice. Quality activity. Started skating backwards and pulling it, and I was very impressed with myself, I have to say.

So, again, name a thing, dude, I'm good at. Let me say something to you right now, dude. Running we've talked about. Yeah. You can't name another thing. Split. Weight lifting. What kind of weight lifting? Any of it. I snatched my body weight overhead once.

Once? Yeah. 200 pounds overhead? I'll snatch you out of that chair if you don't lose this attitude. How much weight have you snatched overhead? Probably none. There was a bigger girl in college that I was in love with and I put her over my head a couple times. Alright. She's big and strong and played college basketball. Yeah. You're like, I watched snatch in love with, and I put her over my head a couple times. All right. She's big and strong and played college basketball. You're like, I watched Snatch while she lifted me.

I got her over my head, and I said, there's a different kind of smell in here now. All right, so weightlifting, not a sport. Not a form of athletics. It's in the Olympics. I can outlift you in Olympic lifting, I'll bet you. No. Guaranteed. John, what are the rules of Olympic lifting?

Clean and jerk, deadlift, and squats. Or snatching. I was not you. No. Guaranteed. John, what are the rules of Olympic lifting? Clean and jerk, deadlift, and squats. I was not expecting that answer. I'll outlift you in the snatch. Guaranteed. There's no way. It's got to be weight class rules. What do you weigh? 300 pounds? Yeah, 305 pounds.

300 pounds to my measly. I'm like $1.75. There's got to be weight class rules. Percentage of body weight? I could definitely snatch more than you. Well, maybe this will be something we have to figure out. Yeah, I could clean and jerk more than you probably. When's the last time you've picked up anything heavier than you're doing? Yeah.

There are 20 pounds of weight. But here's the thing. What I'm saying is best all around. So you might beat me in that, but you're not going to beat me in everything. We can do an Olympics. That rules Olympics. Yes, I would do that. I think it's in the book now.

As soon as it gets warm. Yeah. All right, so there's running, lifting. We only need two things. Should we just do a decathlon? Being a good friend. Being a good friend. Should we just do a decathlon?

I'm not sure what that means. Can you look up the 10 sports in a decathlon? I mean, the best decathlete ever became a lady, so how hard can it be? Oh, shit, yeah, Simone Biles. But, all right, so any throwing sport I can beat you in. Yeah, for sure. Keep naming things. You're starting to realize how athletic I am.

John, you must have been dropped on your head last weekend, dude. I might have been. But you're not proving me wrong. Well, I can tell you I went to a Sixers game last week. Okay. I can spectate sports so much better than you. That is one of the craziest things I've ever heard. You know I spectate hard as fuck.

Don't say that again. I'm the best sports spectator. I'll break out binoculars right next to you, dude. You'll be sitting there like, oh! All right, here we go. So right here we got 100-meter dash, broad jump. That's a push. I think you could take me in the 100-meter.

Broad jump. Running long, it says. What did you – oh, running long jump. It was on the next thing. We'll get to running long, like the long jump and both tear our hamstrings. I'll be you in shot put. High jump. High jump.

I can't really jump high. I can be you in high jump. 400-meter run. 400-meter run, I got you. Second day, 110-meter hurdles. Oh, that's going to be so... It's two days? It's three days, it says.

We can't even upload two weeks in a row. We're going to do something over two days. We're going to stretch out over a couple months because we're both going to have to heal a lot. Dude, I work out. We both work out daily. Let's make it the no-warm-up, no-stretch Olympics. The show-and-go Olympics.

There it is. Show-and-go Olympics. Write it down. It's the show-and-go Olympics. We're going to do it when it. Write it down. It's the show and go Olympics. We're going to do it when it's warm. Yes. You're not allowed to wear it. Beforehand, we both have to use our vices.

Yeah, true. We're on equal footing. All right. What else is there? I'll destroy you in a javelin throw. Do they have a- Where do you get a javelin? You can make one.

You make one? You just get the straightest twig you can find in the woods. That should definitely be part of the competition. We're judging on style here. My grandfather hucked the javelin at St. Joe's in college, so it's in my blood. Yeah, it is in your blood. Pole vault, we're both going to fail. That would be the

number one. I think I would skip all of it to do pole vault first. Also, how do they think of pole vault before basketball? What the fuck is that? Well, these were all like war necessities back in the day. You had to be able to pole vault over a wall. There's got to be a community college track and field team that would let us do this. I'm just saying.

100%. We can come up. Actually, I know exactly where we can get all this stuff. My buddy's a track coach. Shout out to Carm. He's got a comic book that just came out, too, called Proctor. Check that out. You guys got to go check that shit out, man.

He wrote a comic book. It's pretty cool. I heard. My buddy's Proctor. Check that out. You guys got to go check that shit out, man. He wrote a comic book. It's pretty cool. I heard you. My buddy's got a comic book coming out. No, he wrote a comic book. What else? What else are you going to challenge me in? So far, you're beating me in basketball.

Well, what about going- You beat me in weightlifting. I'll take that. There it is. What about going to- Carmen Costa, shout out to him. No, they have one where it's like getting wine drunk at a Sixers game and then coming home and watching Passion of the Christ.

Okay. Can I drink non-alcoholic wine? Well, look, I did this last Tuesday. Is that an Olympic event? it's like getting wine drunk at a Sixers game and then coming home and watching Passion of the Christ. Okay. Can I drink non-alcoholic wine? Well, look, I did this last Tuesday. Is that an Olympic event? That's like number 11. Yeah, I did this last Tuesday. They actually banned it. It's only when it's back in Greece.

I'm not even religious, but I cried during Passion of the Christ. Gab was like asleep in bed next to me, and I was sitting in my bed like, he gave up everything. That could be an event, dude. I can cry so much better than you. I'm sneakily a pretty solid crier. Yeah, but you don't have the ultimate cry unlock hasn't happened to you yet. Your father hasn't

passed away. You reach a new level of crying once your father passed away. You feel it. You're like, oh, I unlocked something. Yeah, I guess that's kind of fair. I could take care of that. So I got you in crying. I'm better at you than crying. Tickling. Tickling? I'm actually very ticklish. If you got at you than crying. Tickling. Tickling?

Ooh. I'm actually very ticklish. Are you? If you got your grippy little muscles. Is that why you got the jacket on? Yeah, we're older guys who are just adult guy men. All right, what other events? I think that might just be it. That's it?

I don't know of any other. Maybe. See, you're starting to realize how athletic I am. John, look, dude, I'm sure you are. Yeah, I can beat you in confidence. I'll tell you what, I won't go any further than this. I think my lungs might be stronger than yours. Yeah, but I can run longer than you.

So what's that, a breath holding contest? Yes, underwater. Ready? I thought that was a fart. That sounded like a fart. What an absolute cop out. Also, the listeners, listen into two minutes of silence, and then you and I pass out.

That might be the best content. That would be fantastic. What else? Challenge me to something. Whatever you want to. You can beat me in armor. Anything strength related, you can probably beat me in. Because I'm a thick bitch.

Yeah. I'm a thick-waisted bitch. I'm built for speed now. Not speed. Yeah, it's what your wife says because of how quick it is when you cum. Oh, because of the sex. See that?

I'll hit one of those spikes start crying. Because you probably cry like this. You probably go, I go like this. Like a nice... I'm a sloppy crier. I let it all... I'm a sloppy puker and a sloppy crier.

Yeah. When I puke, it's all like it's. Bro, me too, yeah. I'm throwing up tears during it. No, I like moan while I hit the leg. Oh. I hit one since we've recorded last. I took the wife out for a birthday dinner.

Did we talk about my food poisoning adventure? No, no. We went to Steak 38. You've driven past it probably. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's on Broad Street, right? No, it's. it's well there is one there there's one in the original ones in jersey and it's attached to like a seedy motel and it's next to the feather nest in which is where you go to like have sex in a heart-shaped tub yeah and it's definitely where i'm getting lobster yeah

no it's a holdover from uh back when there used to be a racetrack over there so back in the day it was like anyone that was like famous in phillyilly and mobsters would go to the racetrack and then eat at this place. And it's maintained. It's beautiful. Incredible meal. Except for the 3 a.m. food poisoning that I got and violently hurled it all back up. Oh, dude. To which my wife, she knows now.

As soon as I started puking, she said, nope, and walked downstairs and just let me do my thing. Wow. I got my bucket. I'm ready to go. Yeah, full-on food downstairs and just let me do my thing. Wow. I got my bucket. I'm ready to go. That good for you? Yeah, full-on food poisoning. I'm kind of sad to hear that. I wanted to try that place.

It is. I'll say this. Not going to slander their name because it is good enough that we're going back. You can go on a double date. After I win, after I defeat you. Oh, that's what it is. Loser has to buy the winner steak 38 in the Olympics. In the show-and-go Olympics, winner gets a steak 38

20 ounce filet meal on the loser's tab. Okay. And now steak 38, that's named after your age? That's so close to my age. It's pretty close. Yeah, with the big two eight and three eight for the boys. Couple months. You think we'll always be 10 years

apart? We'll never catch up because of gravity or anything like that. I mean, people are saying I'm aging backwards lately. That's definitely how gravity works. You are we'll always be 10 years apart? Do I ever catch up because of gravity or anything like that? People are saying I'm aging backwards lately. That's definitely how gravity works. You are like Benjamin Button. You are just slowly withering away. I'm aging back into a 14-year-old sad emo kid. Yeah, that's what you're saying. Long hair, skinny. I'm going to get back into acne.

Yeah, dude. You're getting teenage angst. You're like, what could you beat me in? What could you even beat me in? I do love that Jay tempted me by putting two huge bottles of booze next to my seat. Oh, look at that. And power tools. If I'm going to relapse on alcohol, it's going to be with power tools. Yeah, I would be fucking sick.

Drill a hole in the side. I'm not mad at that whatsoever. That would make a pretty excellent bong. That's what they did to Jesus. That bottle would make an excellent bong. Yeah. They drilled it. They stabbed them.

You saw what they did to them. They did. They did medieval. Why the hell did they do that? They did a medieval equivalent of a screw gun. It was actually a lot of your guys who did that. What, the Italians? Yeah.

The Romans, yeah. They were the ones that did it. Well, actually, I'm Sicilian. At least that's what I've been told. So I don't know if that qualifies. Oh, you're island Italian. Yeah. I'm like halfway between Africa and Italy.

I've been doing a lot of, I'm a big history buff, and I've been learning about, like, you know, if you're a white dude, you really just focus on, like, American and, like, European history. That's the only one that matters. Chill. But, hell yeah. You right, sister. What kind of history are you getting into now?

Well, now I'm learning about history I can't even talk about with anybody because I want to be like, you know Dominican people are actually black, right? Like, that's a true thing. They're natives to Africa. I watched a whole documentary about it today. But I can't go up and tell anybody that. Where do you find these documentaries?

Is this just on YouTube? My algorithm is nuts, dude. I have so much. I can only imagine. You're just on Stormfront. You're like, I'm learning history. Yeah. It's this thing called 8chan.

Whatever the thing's called. I've just mostly been learning it from my uncle. Yeah. Well, maybe if we find out on 8chan what the hell's up with Epstein's List. You see this? It's been out. Yeah. I don't see any guys in stuff.

Was there any surprises on it, though? I think it was all the people they've said all along. Cameron Diaz? Was she on it? Yeah. Yeah. Miley Cyrus is on there, and I just bought my daughter her album for Christmas. Oh, dude.

I feel real weird putting it. It's a great album, though. Jaded is such a good song. I hate Miley Cyrus, dude. She would drink children's blood and make you feel bad about it who do you like that wouldn't drink children's blood uh dylan penna i don't even know that he's in my middle school like jeffy heps just lame we knew she was on there we can't get in trouble we're talking about this on the podcast all legend get blackball he's. It's so funny too that like David Copperfield.

Yeah. That was an illusion. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming. Not gonna lie, that was some slight of hand I think. They had very slight hands

and she was a very petite girl. What's that behind your ear? We're gonna watch these children disappear. That's what David Copperfield Yeah, he's like

stick your penis through my hand. John Connolly. Oh, just New York police detective? Epstein did 9-11. Alan Dershowitz. You're a little girl. I always hear that name.

He's the one. He also represented somebody else, didn't he? He represented Epstein, but then he's represented other people. Yeah, DiCaprio's on there. That sucks. Al Gore? That's the least shocking one. Al Gore?

You think Shutter Island was about that? Yeah. He's like, we got to get all this. Shut the fuck up. The real twist is he does not want to get off the island. Stephen Hawking. So we know Epstein's Island is handicap accessible. True. At least they're following ADA.

I like to think that he's just been faking it the whole time and he just stood up and walked right off of that boat. True. Well, he doesn't operate on the same playing field that we do. So who knows what his... The Prime Minister of Israel? Not gonna touch that one. Yep. Cate Blanchett, huh?

Cate Blanchett, also the Prime Minister of Israel. Naomi Campbell. We're just going to read the list. Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis. Do you think that's what it was? Do you think he knew this list was coming out, so he faked whatever that I can't talk disease is now?

Alstheimer. I thought it was Alstheimer. Bruce Willis, pride of Pennsville, New Jersey. See what happens when you leave Pennsville, folks? You become a pervert. Wow, that's unbelievable. Chris Tucker, I kind of didn't see coming, but I'm not terribly surprised. Hey, Andy's girl's old.

Come on, man. How old are you guys? Who else? Robert F. Kennedy. I thought you were beautiful, but I can't really get my answer out of you, sweetheart. Victoria Bean. Great name. Former director of the FBI, Louis Freeh.

There's like Democrats that are already defending people on this list. The whole thing is totally... Epstein's butler. They had to add Epstein's butler. If you're employed as his butler, I think you've been to his island. What about the flight attendants? It sucks for the people that don't have credits on here. A lot of people are getting credits. One just says

former boyfriend. Virginia Roberts is the girl in the thing, right? Not a good... Wow. And then we don't know any of these people. I can't wait till we go. I feel like I need to graduate with someone named Brittany Henderson. Wait till we go further down. It just says

John Montag. John Montag can run long. Can we add your name to the list? Can we podcast live? We podcasted live from the island? You don't remember that? I was on opiates. Who do you have to write to add your name to the list? There's

going to be somebody disappointed that they weren't named. Who wrote this article? Yeah, it's true. It's like a frat house. Who do you even know here at the fucking island? I'm like, there's a 12-year-old I'm familiar with. I bet we could email this guy right now and be like, excuse me, you left me out. I wanted to be added to the list. Michael Jackson was one of them?

Oh, yeah. They're going to release videos. They're going to release videos and nobody's going to do anything about it because they're going to be like, it's going to be a video of a grown man with a child and the Democrats are going to get it and try to prosecute and be like, in this video, we heard that you said the Barbie movie is gay. How could you? Who else is on there? Who's at the bottom

of the list? We were saying it though, I think if you were, because they don't list how many times the people on the first time have been there. If you were a onesie or twosie person, I think you should get a pass Because the first time you didn't know what you were getting into Maybe

The second time you're like wait they're how old? And the plane's not coming back for three days? True you know when you're on a plane that's overbooked And they're like give up your seat and we'll give you a $300 voucher And you get to go to Epstein's I mean this many people Do you think like Do you think they had a brochure like how do you tell

people what you're walking into yeah do you think they sold timeshares like they had to go there and sit through a whole presentation and they're like listen you're gonna get a full weekend here but you gotta sit through the three hour presentation yeah but just like there's people trying to like cover it up now and they're like yeah some people just had no idea this was happening if there was like a McDonald's

that I thought looked really nice and they were like, they might be fucking. You know what sucks too is if they had, because they had to have like, they weren't fucking all the time, right? So there had to be stuff they were doing outside. Like there's probably. Didn't they have excursions there? Like a resort?

No, like a mini golf course. I think so. Yeah. Think about it. You get like dune buggies. The dudes who were there for like the other reason are sitting there the entire time like, all right, we can probably wrap up the snorkeling now. Yeah, we saw it.

A manta ray. Sunset. I've never seen one of those before. Hurry up. She turns 18 at midnight. It's also funny the stuff they picked to associate these people. Like Cameron Diaz, Shrek. Also, there's something about Mary.

You led with Shrek. She's only in the second one, right? Is she in the first one? No, she was in the first one True true true George Lucas a little surprised There had to have been recreational activities There's somebody who has the course record

For the mini golf course there And can never tell anybody about it I bet the pickleball there is lit There's a lot of pickles and balls over there Oh yeah totally If you see they have a layout of what the balls over there. Oh, yeah, totally. If you see, they have a layout of what the island looks like, and right in the middle, it just says tennis court.

So, like, if you make it in, you can play tennis. Get a couple rounds in. You think Pete Sampras is there? Ripping serves at Naomi Campbell? I hope so. She deserves a fucking good life. I don't fear her. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, this shit, it doesn't. It's crazy that it's just right in front of your face. I can't wait for Joe Rogan to get sick of Austin and just buy the island. And then he's going to

have all the comedians he had relocate to Austin. Yeah. Just relocate to the island. Chris D'Elia's like, I love to come.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Please. Yeah. Sounds great. Shout out to Chris, man.

Chris D'Elia's like, is there any way we can go there 20 years ago? Yeah. Can I just go just check out the scenery? Make sure there's nothing bad going on.

Where is it? It's down in the Caribbean, right? I think it's in Arkansas. It's in the Virgin Islands, they said, right? That's the big joke everyone's trying to make. It is near there, yeah. I don't know, man. Whatever.

Yeah, U.S. Virgin Islands. Lil St. James. There's got to be a rapper named Lil St. James at this point, right? I hope so. If there's not, there's got to be a trap rapper. There's St. John who puts up some absolute manners. It had to be little saint james right yeah little saint james little what's going on on saint james island can we find out that it's the little they're only fucking old people it's they only have sex with people over 70 true i'll start that island yeah that'd be sick so it's

basically retirement home on it's a geriatric island no it's everybody's on hospice every older person there is at the end of their life care and you get to just lay the pipe. You guys are aware that like nursing homes are like some of the most rampant spread of STDs out there. Yeah, yeah. They're all fucking. What else are you going to do there? If you're still getting

it up at a nursing home, you are fucking the cock of the walk literally. Yeah, really. You deserve it. I don't have any It looks like there is not a St. James Island. So you can't name something. That's like when they have a medium and a large popcorn, but they don't have a small. You can't have a medium and a large without a small.

You need to have a St. James Island to have a little St. James Island. Do you think there was a St. James who was a midget? Do you think there was a value meal St. James? No, I think there was a midget who gained sainthood and they named it Little St. James after him. Really? It's like Little Sebastian from Parks and Rec if you're a fan.

This isn't saying that this is just how the planet ended up. Like it didn't, nothing had to like, there was no set thing. Look at that island. Oh yeah, think about the contractors that had to go like, yo, we're gonna go put, it's just Foster there running electric. They're gonna do what on this island? Oh my God. Think about the contractors that had to go there. Like, yo, dude, we're going to go put... It's just Foster there running electric. They're going to do what on this island? Oh, my God.

Over my dead body. And then he's just dead. Yeah, he said he wants all of the beds really high so that the kids got to get picked up to go on them. I don't know. Can you imagine? I hope they got a good actor to pretend they were shocked to find Epstein dead. It's going to be a movie eventually, right?

You think there'll be an Epstein movie? I think Matt could play Epstein. Look at him. That's... I mean, come on. I'm not mad. They did. You're a failed math teacher, right? Yeah, that's crazy. Did you ever hear his whole story? So he like just went to a school and was like, by the way, I'm a math

teacher here now. And they're like, do you have any credentials? He's like, one plus two. Yeah, and he just hit on the girls. He's just like, come on. Oh, you think he's cute? Come on. You're better than that. If they can do a movie on Jeffrey Dahmer, they can do a movie on Epstein. True. Come on.

Johnny Depp won't take that role? Get the fuck out of here. I think when it's just going to be the kids. Apparently Leo's been studying for the role on the island, so Leo's got it on lock. He did. He's a method actor. I mean, look, Johnny Depp lived with Hunter S. Thompson. True.

It's not unheard of. That is a good point. Do you think, I'd like to think this because I like Leonardo DiCaprio as an actor. I like his movies. I like his films. Do you think he knew what was going to happen

and he's very meta and he was like, I got to get to this island because one day there's going to be a movie about it and I'm going to get that role. Oh, it's just like a preemptive thing. Daniel Day-Lewis was also there. Just walking around with a notebook.

Yeah. Jotting shit down. Yeah, just... Yeah, bring them here against their will. Bill Clinton. Actually, the list came from Leo. Free Leo. That's what I'm saying.

Free Leo. I don't think he's good. I don't think he's detained. Speaking of, apparently Joe Coy, do you watch the Golden Globeskis? Can we talk about... There's a lot I want to talk about the Golden Globes. Yeah, it's shocking that if you get a comedian who's not funny at all, they might not do well. And I don't know if we're at a level of comedy where we can say that, but I'll just go ahead and say that.

And he blamed it on the writers, which was hilarious. He was like, some of these I wrote, some of them other people wrote. That's one thing to blame the writers. But then, like, if he was like, all right, they wrote shitty jokes. Is he with, what's her name? Chelsea Hammer? Yeah. And then to callous leave.

So he's just getting 50 cents throwaway trim? That's what he was talking about. He's like, my writers suck. 50 comes out and just fucking torches me. And the whole time he's just like, yeah, you like the ones I wrote. Yeah, those are the ones you like. That's what he said. The ones you laughed at.

Did you also see they gave a first Golden Globe for comedy, for stand-up comedy performance? If you want to go ahead and pull up the nominees for that one, this is a real spit in the face of our craft. Yeah, brother. And I say craft because it's a thing that you and I like doing. We're stand-up comedians. And they pulled what are arguably, you know, like you made this joke, but I'm going to steal it anyway.

The best comics from 2007 were all the nominees. Yeah, it's a who's who of Judd Apatow's friends. It's incredible. I don't even know if you have to pull it up. I know who it is. It's Ricky Gervais won it against Sarah Silverman, who did she even put out a comedy special in the last year? No. Oh, maybe she did, actually.

And then whatever her name is, Amy Schumer. I don't think she's put anything out in a decade. Wanda Sykes? Yeah, of course, Wanda. She did put out one. Wait, she put out a special? I'll say this. Wanda Sykes, great stand-up comic. But to give her for the best one of course, Wanda. She did put out one. Wait, she put out a special? Which it's not, and I'll say this, Wanda Sykes, great stand-up comic,

but to give her for, like, the best one of the year? Yeah. If you were on Curb, I'll say you're a great comic. Wait, Trevor Noah was in it? Chris Rock, alright, I'll see that. Trevor Noah was nominated? Yeah, Trevor Noah was nominated. There's a lot that I understand that, like, you wouldn't want to put on there for whatever reason, but, like,

you're not going to nominate, did John Mulaney's special come out in the past year? Or was that two years ago? I think it was last year. Damn it. All right. Well, apparently they wanted to put Brennan Chobb in there, and they just couldn't... Like, he couldn't be at the thing.

They just couldn't find a clip where there were people laughing at the joke. They're just like, no matter how much laugh track we put in, it's just still not funny. Look, brother, I've been there. Don't worry. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. I'm trying to think about what specials i like there's a lot of i didn't like a lot of specials this year well i mean last year anyway not to be the typical philadelphia podcaster but i mean shane gillis had the biggest special in the world yeah on netflix yeah there that guy

yeah stavros halkias incredible special on on Netflix. Like, the number two. I'm saying numbers again. If you didn't like it or not, that's fine. You're a bad guy. I'm a great guy, but I'm only getting stronger. Incredible Mark Norman special. Yeah, Mark Norman special. I was about to say, that was really good. Again.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Matt doesn't respect him. He called him Nark Mormon when he introduced him. I think Brendan's opening up for him. He is, yeah. Open Soul Joel. What's that? It just cracks me up.

I don't know. They were in a room, and they're quick google comedian and the first seven comics we see we'll put on there that was yeah that's insane did amy schumer put a special out in the last year they probably were like they saw that jim gaffigan didn't put one out and their brain melted through their ears so like i have no idea who else does stand up wait uh oh yeah any emergency contact i haven't even heard of this all right we're you're like i'm usually up to date on all the amy schumer specials i don't know i usually i usually well isn't it isn't most of her stuff from like netflix is that who's been doing them well the joe coy thing was annoying because i saw a lot of people being like so great watching a comedian

hate women just because he made like a they were bad jokes but they weren't like hatred he made a joke about like barbie's a movie about... Yeah, that one on Netflix apparently. But here's the thing too. It's like stand-up comedy and how it's supposed to be ingested is not on primetime TV. Like comedy shouldn't be written or performed

with like it's going to be... My grandma's going to see it sitting on her couch. SNL, SNL. But they're late night. But that's not stand-up comedy yeah oh yeah that is sketch comedy i'm saying like just stand up comedy just end up comedy in its best form is if you're watching good special or if you're in a comedy club yeah comedy club in a theater comedy in a theater isn't even that great like it's awesome if you can get to that level but to watch it if you really love stand-up like in a comedy club is where it's its best. Yeah, I agree.

So, I don't know. To then have to... I'm not on Joe Coy's side on this, but it seems like he didn't prepare at all for it, too. He got it like 10 days beforehand, they said, or something. Which is pretty insane.

Well, that, yeah. But that doesn't make it a difference. Lean into that and make that funny. But he did. No, I don't think it's... There's nothing funny. Like, that's just centering it about yourself.

The audience doesn't care how long you had to prepare. And it's also like the jokes that are written are fucking an Oppenheimer joke, a Barbie joke. They're not like Joe Coy's take. His delivery was also just. It's not Ricky Gervais' monologue, which is just. Which you can tell he wrote. It's just. It also didn't seem like he was, granted, like you said, took it on 10 days notice.

But like nervous laughter after every joke like just because he knew how bad they were doing yeah like you're that experience of a comic you should be able to get out of a hole right i think it was just it's also probably like a little bit frustrating to look out and see all these like a-list celebrities and then you get that frustration like they think they're better than me it's also the worst possible audience because it's literally 300 narcissists just sitting in the audience going, is he going to talk about me?

Now I've got to think about what face am I going to make when he talks about me because the camera is going to be on me. I think they've hit a level of narcissism where they're so used to people talking about them that they're like, he better not even think about mentioning my name. One of the ones at BOM that could have been funny was his Taylor Swift joke. There's less camera shots or cuts to Taylor Swift

on here than on an NFL football game. Not a bad joke. I thought that was a pretty good joke. Terrible delivery on his part and then she stone faced it knowing that everyone loves her and would be like well if she doesn't like it, we don't like it. That audience sucks. Yeah, they're all the worst people for the most part on the planet.

Some of the good people. Some of the good. Some of genuinely the worst. Some people we just saw on that episode. I'm just saying, a lot of these people are doing this shit. I like a lot of actors, but I guarantee if you were to sit with any of them for five minutes, you'd be like, you're the fucking worst. I can think of one actor

I'm certain would have liked it. Jim Caviezel, star of Passion of the Christ. There it is. Give him every award. Give him every role. Aren't they doing of Passion of the Christ. There it is. Give him every award. Give him every role, dude. Aren't they doing a Passion of the Christ 2? No, they made that movie Sound of Freedom, which is about trafficking. Probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I stumbled across that.

You saw it? Dude, Republicans just can't make movies. Unfortunately, the Libs, that's kind of their thing, and they'll make a good one once in a while, but Republicans just get in there, and it's just about being like, liberals are snowflakes. It's like, dude, come on brother.

They're making it for your... I do want to see that. I'm all about the 824 rules. Everything everywhere all at once was a fantastic movie. I don't like that guy Nick Offerman though. He rubs me the wrong way. Why don't you like... You don't like Parks and Recreation? I don't like Parks and Rec so that's part of it. Really? Yeah.

I've always felt like it was like bad office. I mean everything's a bad office. It is. Yeah. But why don't you like Nick Offerman? I don't like the guy who's like, my shtick is that I'm like this, that I'm just stone-faced. Have you ever seen him in anything else? Yeah, he just is.

Have you watched Fargo? Huh? You watch Fargo? I just started season two of Fargo. Fucking awesome. Dude, season two is my favorite season of Fargo. Oh, it's so good. Is that made for kids? You don my favorite season of Fargo. Is that made for kids? You don't know what Fargo is?

Is it made for kids? Yeah. Totally. It's actually a sequel to The Wiggles. Really? I spit on you. Matt, if you didn't get into skateboarding, you would have been a wiggle in high school.

John, if you love season one, you'll love season two. I started season one, like you'll love. I skipped. I started season one, fell asleep during it. Somebody told me season two is incredible. So I just skipped the rest of season one. There's like a movie. It's on Amazon Prime. It's about like a dude who can't find his car.

No, no. He's like, it is. He's like born to a woman with no, and he doesn't like have a distinct father. And some guy like adopts him and he grows up. He becomes like a carpenter and you come to find out this is like the big twist. He's Jesus Christ. The movie's called The Bachelor of the Cars with Jim

Caviezel. That's the big reveal at the end. He was Jesus. Speaking of M. Night Shyamalan. Wait, that guy was Jewish the whole time? Sure, that is a bit of a bummer. It is so fun though how hot they've made Jesus over the years. He was a hottie boy. Do you think so? I think so.

I don't think that people could be overreacting. Do you ever see the thing? You can pull this up, too. They have artist renditions of what they think Jesus really would have looked like back then. They're like, well, he was like a 30-something-year-old carpenter. He would have had a hunched-over spine from working all the time. No way, dude. He wouldn't have showered ever.

No, there's one where he just looks like a gremlin. Oh, well, the cross was to stretch him out. That was just chiropractic. It was early chiropractic. Look, we're not necessarily doctors. See, look, they always make a hot. Every picture of God's hot. How is that not a hot guy? Look at him smiling on that far right one. Look at him looking like he knows

what he did. The depiction of Jesus is hot. I'm going to bank on he was not a very attractive. Everyone back then probably smelled so bad. No. Not Jesus. No? He's fucking washed feet, dude. True. You think if everybody smells bad, people would cease to see it as bad and just be like,

that's how people smell. Yeah, true. If you smell good, then you're the outlier. Yeah, that's true. Let's start stinking. I'm already way ahead of you, dude. I did not shower after the gym today. What's the longest you've gone in recent years without showering? Oh, not long. Maybe like

a day or two. I'm pretty adamant about getting my body washed. I just need a reason to go touch my body. I'll go in there and I'll wipe my ass. I'm going to stay around here a little bit longer. Wait, flip side of this. Sorry to talk about that in front of Jesus. Wait, flip side of this. This joke didn't pan out. Jesus Christ. Did you ever see what the depiction of...

Dutch said Jesus Christ. Did you ever see what the actual depiction of angels looks like? Yeah, it's like an eyeball. That one is a nightmare, dude. It's like wings with 30,000 eyeballs on them. That's what the fuck I'm going to look like when I dominate you in a decathlon. You're just going to turn into an eyeball monster? For real, this is going to be me.

You're going to turn into the guy from Avro Monsters where you hold your eyes above your head? This is me when I snatched John's and my body's weight. These just look like every tattoo that my friends wanted to get at 17. Yeah, that's a tramp stamp on most people. If you could add breast knuckles behind this, this is exactly what everyone I know got tatted on. Yeah, this is right at the center of somebody's breastplate. But this is like what people say when they die and they saw something. This is the depiction. Dude, I knew a dude in college that got his mother and his father's faces on both sides of his chest.

Jesus, Lord. I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me? He starts pushing me. He's like, look, they're getting back together. Dude, like when he showed us it, everybody just kind of had to be like, yeah, cool. Yeah. I mean, that's a tough one.

When you got to pretend to like a tattoo. At least when I got a bad one, everybody told me on my face. They're like, okay, cool. Yeah, totally. I mean, that's a tough one. When you got to pretend to like a tattoo, at least when I got a bad one, everybody told me on my face, they were like, okay. It's pretty bad. Not the best movement. And I said, shut up, dad. You should get a tattoo

of your own face on your chest. Oh, I would do it in a heartbeat. And I was like, who's that? He'd be like. I would get tattoos of different parts of my life all over my body. I'm a story.

I like it. I'm a story book. Get a tattoo of your left hand on your right hand just to fuck with people's heads. Get a tattoo of M. Night Shyamalan smiling. Speaking of, dude, he has a storybook. Get a tattoo of your left hand on your right hand just to fuck with people's heads. Get a tattoo of M. Night Shyamalan smiling. Speaking of, dude, he has a story. My dad was telling me this.

Speaking of M. Night Shyamalan. Yeah, speaking of. Oh, I watched two of his films last night, and they're so bad. It's so funny. M. Night Shyamalan. Which one did you watch? Old, probably one of the worst written movies I've ever seen and acted. It's an awful script combined with foreign people, which, like, look, it's not, I don't

mind you being foreign, but if you're a foreign person delivering a bad script yeah like they walk out on the beach and dad goes look at the beautiful coral that's it that's a line

that's one line and then they don't talk for a little bit the happening on was dog shit right no he's got a couple good ones I watched knock at the cabin which was okay that one I always want to watch but I feel like it's going to be too spooky

I kind of checked out after the village if I got to be honest yeah the village is a little bit of a lead I saw that in theaters wanted my money back yeah that was baloney and cheese i remember i went to the happening and uh halfway through i leaned over to my body i was like the happening more like the crappening crushed wait till the end of the movie a movie ends theater's totally silent and my buddy looks at me and he gives me like an eyebrow and he goes happening more like the crappening whole theater loses their shit and i

immediately was like i'm gonna fucking murder this you're like that key and peel thing we're like i like to get high on pot news it was the it was that bit all over yeah that is but so so so m still haunts you to this day huh john he's my best friend i hate him but if he ever gets married just interrupt the speech and go up there and just this is a fun fact uh at my wedding uh he and i know just him, he dressed up in one of my old baseball jerseys and my catcher's gear, and the maid of honor pitched the bouquet to him as their entrance. Real cute and quirky.

He left the jersey on way too long, went out to the car, and had sex with his wife in the car while wearing my high school baseball jersey that I'm pretty sure I didn't wash after my last high school game. So I think that's the closest to a three-way I'm ever going to get. Yeah, that's something that's got to – It's pretty close. That's a stinky boy. But I'm running bits.

That is fun. Also, yeah, that's a – Just stinky high school team. I got to tell you guys about M. Night, dude. Speaking of stinky guys, he has to. No, I think he probably smells really good yeah he definitely smells it's one of those things where like if if people have stereotypes about you you go extra hard against them like yeah i know jewish people that would like overly tip because they're like yeah everyone says we don't tip so i tip like 35 oh did you know there's just one so we uh made him

up when he was in high school he called in WIP and was just like talking because he's from Philly, whatever. Midnight. Midnight. And he called in and he said that when he went to whatever, Cardinal O'Hara, one of those big Philly Catholic schools. One of those. They used to have a thing that before basketball games, they do like, you know, like the student

section that was all dressed up whenever. And he would dress up as a genie with a crystal ball, and he would run out the center court. See, that's incredible. And he would look into the ball and go, I predict a win. That's fucking awesome. The student section would go nuts. Dude, change the name of the team to the genies at that point. That's what I'm saying.

Embrace that shit. See, racism sucks, but sometimes. That's what I'm saying. Is it the most racist thing ever? Yes. But is it one of the funniest? Sometimes that's genius. And he talked about it. He's like, I was a 5'2", like, little Indian kid. He found what I'm saying. Is it the most racist thing ever? Yes. But is it one of the funniest? Sometimes that's genius. And he talked about it.

He's like, I was a 5'2", like little Indian kid. He found his thing. Yeah. But he should have thrown some twists. That's kind of his thing. Like, I think we're going to fucking lose tonight. Also, genies didn't have crystal balls. They were the whole, they granted wishes, right?

Yeah. He was out there and he's like, actually, the team's been dead the whole time. I'm like, what? That's incredible. Yeah. Isn't that funny? I heard that the other day and I was like, what an unbelievable tale.

I'm back on Manite. I'm going to watch some, I'll watch one of his movies tonight. Yeah. Yeah, tonight. This evening. I'm going to have Manite tonight. Yeah. Do it, dude. And then watch What does the M stand for? That's a good question. I'm going to look that up. Yeah. M&M. M&M Night Shyamalan.

I'll sit back on his back it stands for Madoff Hitler two bad guys yeah well if you combine them two accounts it just stands for M I wonder if they know Minaj he kind of looks yeah he you know what for for the white sake he did a good job of going ahead and just making an M night because I'm not going to try to read his first and middle name. Minaj Niloatu? Nope. I feel pretty good about that, actually.

Niliatu. Niliatu? Yeah. All right, I like it. Nileli Oxenfree? Send over your best genie. Dude, and that's free internet. That's free social media.

There's probably like six Polaroids of that that exist yeah and there's some guy in in delco right now it's like yo dude you want to fucking see this thing that i could i could get killed over this yeah it's like a grainy alien footage i got a picture of m night dressed up as kazam dude they had him connected to levers and poles. He was floating. Did you cry, Kazam? I've never seen it. No? Ooh, watch it. You might cry now. Honestly, I never have either. Is that the film starring Shaquille O'Neal? Yeah.

No Jim Caruso? You want to know the spoiler? Yeah, go ahead. The kid's last wish? He gets crucified. No, he wishes that Kazam would be free and doesn't have to serve any masters ever again. Really? And he just, he did it for him. It's a good thing he didn't wish it would be free and doesn't have to serve any Masters ever again. Really? And he just did it for him.

It's a good thing he didn't wish it would be free throws. And then he went on to play at LSU and then he went to the NBA. Who did he play for? And he apparently has a huge penis and a tiny wife. He's got a big penis. He fucking touched her like a spit roast. He's got a big old penis

and now he's on the post-game show and he's really charismatic and funny. He actually is funny. Should we make ourselves cry? I think I can make myself cry right now. I just opened something up there. No, I can't make myself cry. They always talk about that.

Actors say they have something in their mind. If they want to not be at the island and they want to just cry on set, they have to think of a thing. What would your thing be? You challenging me to a decathlon. I feel so goddamn bad for you. You're going to cry about how bad you have to think of a thing. What would your thing be? You challenging me to a decathlon. I feel so goddamn bad for you. You're going to cry about how bad you lost. You're a fool. You're a foolish boy.

There was nothing in that decathlon you could beat me in. You shut up real quick when you saw that list. I couldn't keep reading. I wanted to make a Passion of the Christ joke. I could be true in reading. No, you cannot. True. I'm pretty much illiterate.

It's getting bad, dude. I had to read a lot of new stuff for my new job, and I was like, oh, you're illiterate. Yeah. You got to practice speed reading, dude. You got to sit alone in your bed Indian style and go like this. You have to be Indian style? You sit in your bed M. Night style. There it is, folks.

There it is. M. Night style. That's sit M. Night style. Yeah, I love that song by whatever name is. Hit him M. Night style. I was going to guess Cisco, so I have no idea. Crisco. What are we making, a pie?

Come on, guys. We're back. We're back. It's the new year. How was your new year? You have any resolutions? Yeah, I got actually genuine ones that I can't share. It's secret resolutions. My number one resolution, I did say unironically, is just getting the job done. Well, yeah, there's that.

Number two. Bring it. Huh? You're going to bring it. I'm going to bring it. I'm going, there's that. Number two. Bring it. Huh? You're going to bring it. I'm going to bring it. I'm going to always bring it. Number three, no quitting. Not anymore.

And number four, pushing it to the limit. And number five, don't be hard on yourself if none of these pan out. Number five, get hard all the time. Be hard on yourself. That could be my next, like, whatever, feminist. Just to constantly be hard. Yeah, just let me be hard. That's true.

They can't stop you from just always being torqued. You know, I'm going constantly be hard. Yeah, just let me be hard. That's true. They can't stop you from just always being torqued. You know, I'm going to be hard for money. We were fucking just sitting at a restaurant on Saturday. My wondrous girlfriend goes, what if I got us a free room

in Atlantic City? Would you go right now? And I was like, yeah, sure. So an impromptu Atlantic City trip that cleaned the bank account out. Yeah, see, you're not built for,

and knowing you as well as I do, you're going to crush it as a 37-year-old dad. Because you don't have to do anything. You can get out of doing... The big doing something is taking my daughter ice skating, and it was like $11

to do that whole thing. See, that sounds great. I'm on board. I got brownie points, I built a memory with my daughter. I got to show off the skills on the ice and I'll be honest with you. There was one guy

trying to skate faster than me and because I was there and couldn't abandon my daughter, I wanted to skate faster than him so bad so it was just me chasing this fucking guy. There's no way

that guy noticed you at all, dude. At all. He was trying to do With that hair, are you kidding me? You think you're fucking better than me? I couldn't.

I had to put a hat over it. I couldn't let it flow that hard. That's a good thing. You didn't let it flow that hard. That would have been really bad. What if my daughter only wants to go to Atlantic City, though? Don't let that happen. If you raise a kid that only wants to go to Atlantic City,

leave that kid in Atlantic City. She's three or four, and she's like, can we hit the trop? Sorry, you're the boardwalks now. They're going to raise you. The creatures along the boardwalk. A damn good sports bar has $10.40s. That is a bargain.

Willie's is calling. I'm just saying, any age. That damn good sports bar deal has existed since I was 21, and it is the best deal. Well, I'll tell you, it's been touched. Let's go slam 11.40s real quick. I know, dude. It's been touched by inflation. We went there.

It used to be $7.00. Now it's $9.00. Still a good deal. Have you guys been off the boardwalk in Atlantic City? Yeah, yeah. Dude, have you ever? I worked down there for a summer at one of the casinos for like three months or something like that. We used to go into like just the parts of Atlantic City.

We had no business. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of places. It was like 2015. Yeah, there's like secret like seedy spots just everywhere. It's hard. Dude, you can go to a club, a quote-unquote club, where they let you bring in your own booze, but

they have to serve it to you. There's just a guy named Rick, and it's his house. He's like, I have a shotgun. Welcome to Rick's. Give me your drinks. Welcome to Rick's. I have a gun. You can't leave. God damn it. I forgot it was the gun special. Ah, Rick's gun special. It always happens on TV. It's a great way to go. Welcome to Rick's. I have four loaded

guns. You're done here. This is it for you. I love, dude, driving down to Lake City, there's so many warnings for you to just turn around to. The billboards just progress along the way. Yeah.

The first one will be like, you sure? Yep. You want to do this? And that third one's like, maybe you got a gambling problem. And then the fourth one's like, call your wife.

Yeah. Call your mom. Call your daughter. Right before you get there, you see the dollar lobster and that kind of just reels you in there. At that point, they're're like what's the money line that you'd call your mom i got a plus 300 yeah and then the last billboard's like you're gonna end up crying in your car

that's fine but then they start now they know they got you then they start typing it back up they're like dude this is your day true like look you want to pay for your kids uh college tuition how about you could double it did you guys do some gambling yeah i fucking lost three hundred dollars in 20 minutes i'd be do penny slots like i'm a 90 year old woman play slots but i gotta go to bed after soon i have to go to hay i did the hay you drove all right so you got in your car that's right you drove upwards of an hour we'll say 45 minutes to an hour hour five clean hour five clean there yeah you had a free room you did all that to go sit in front of the slots and just no i mean the lady we bathed we actually walked around dude i'll tell

you there is some creepy crawl i mean obviously this is like a well-known thing older couples need to be held accountable for how much they rub their wife's lower parts from behind oh yeah i can't they wipe their wife's ass from the outside because they're trying to touch the base of the but they're catching all the way... And I had to watch it to the point where I was like, I'm getting in there, dude. Let me do it. Did somebody make you watch it, honestly?

I was drunk. And me and my girlfriend... Me and my girlfriend... So Jack Daniels had that on you? Yeah, we're just two drunk autistic people just staring at an older couple. Yeah, I was watching that. It was incredible.

Oh, it's great people watching. Well, it was the best because it was two couples. And they were all in like a quartet of just rubbing. And they were on like a public dance floor. It was at this place, Boogie Nights. I was just going to say, was it at Boogie Nights? Yes. It had to be at Boogie Nights.

Dude, so many Aunt Donnas have gotten fingered on that dance floor. Couldn't believe it. I was seeing. They're like, remember when this tune was hot when we were in high school? Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Dude, it was 70s night. So they were like, finally.

You have to graduate high school in the 70s to get the deal. Oh, yeah. Show us your class ring. Dude, the best time for people watching, you got to go to AC in the summertime when people are actually drunk on the boardwalk. You'll see like four fights. It's worth it. Beyond drunk. I remember when I was a kid, I went there with my parents, and there was a guy tightrope walking on the handrail,

doing it, like, perfectly. Yeah. And I just asked my dad, I was like, what's that? And he was like, that is a crackhead. And then the guy just took a fall onto the beach, and we never saw him again. Like, he didn't come back up. Nobody looked over the rail.

They were just like, he's the beaches now. A valiant way to go. He belongs to the sand. If I did that, I would just stay there, I think. Yeah. I'll go to the next one. One of the fun things you can do in Atlantic City, the Atlantic City Air I did that, I would just stay there. Yeah. I'll go lay next to him. One of the fun things you can do in Atlantic City,

the Atlantic City Air Show, that's fun. You will get shit ripped on the beach and you just lay on your back. Don't look to see what planes are coming and then all of a sudden

there's just a whole hell of a bunch of blue angels flying over your head. Yeah. And then a stealth bomber sneaks up on you. Right. It's fun.

That does sound pretty fun. Yeah. I love planes. Then it's the Lolita flying over top of you. Right. It's fun. That does sound pretty fun. I love planes. Then it's the Lolita flying over top of you? Yeah, then you just... Is that Jeffrey Epstein flying a plane? There's like four 12-year-olds

on that plane? What the hell? And you just let it happen. I would have went like this. And you're sitting there picking saltwater taffy out of your teeth. I would have casted a rock at it

and took the plane down. Sounds beautiful. I think if you give me a slingshot and a rock and a dream, I could take down a plane. Yeah? Yeah, for sure think if you give me a slingshot and a rock and a dream, I could take down a plane. Yeah? Yeah, for sure.

You're like, the slingshot needs to have grenades. They're lucky I was five in 2001. I could have fucking stopped all that. I just catch one in the turbine. Not happening. How old would you have had to have been on 9-11

for you to make a difference, you think? Three. Three? I needed to be younger. You would have been the cutest hero of be younger. It happened to him. The cutest hero of all. It happened too late.

I've been a little David. That'd have been my Goliath. You know how I get down. Some say that they were David taking down Goliath. If you ask them. Yeah, not me. These colors don't run.

You'll kind of, you're kind of going to be like my little David and I'm the Goliath. When we, I got biblical hair in the Olympics. Yeah. That's what I'm saying, dude. I would fit in so much better in biblical times, too.

I'd beat you in that. In biblical times? Yeah. Dude, I just... If we went back to biblical times? I just watched the P of the C. Dude, John will totally... You're watching today's depiction of it.

I'm more in tune with people at that time. I just watched POC, dude. I'm like... Yeah, John will totally wipe his ass in public. He'll wipe his ass in public way better than you ever will. If we get 11 more followers, I'll do it. I'll wipe from the front and let it hit the back of my balls. I'm done caring.

It's 2024. You'll wipe from the back, hit the front. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Are you an around guy or are you through the legs guy? I say, Gab, get in here. I'm done pooping. My scrum's dirty. My scrum.

I say, hurry. If not you, my mother. I got to call her. Did I earn my treat? She scratches the bottom of my chin. I'm in the middle of potty training right now myself. My daughter already figured it out. She's got it down.

No, yeah. Everyone's like, did you offer her treats and candy? I'm like, I can't link good things to, like, I can't her entire life. She's in high school school just reaching her arm out of stall she's like can someone hand me starburst yeah i just shit in here that's a problem true you could like this is like a very early molding period you could do some fun tricks dude it's so weird like you have to really think about shit you're like literally think about shit but like you have to like think about like explaining i'm like all right like so when you have to go to the

bathroom you got to tell me and And then she's like, okay. So when I start going to the bathroom, I tell you. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. Close, close. You know when you feel like, ooh, ooh, and then I had to think. I was like, yeah, when do I know I have to poop? Usually it's like... When there's no other choice. Yeah, usually it's when I'm driving home.

Usually when there's no other chance. But it's an emergency every time. Well, you'll be sitting there. It's a photo finish just about constantly. I'll be honest. Oh, yeah, of course. I started pushing the limit.

Working from home, like fully working from home again, I started pushing the limits on my poops, and I wait until it's like end of the month. Actually, that backfired. See, you don't have to poop in public enough, John. That's the finally at, uh, I finally shit my pants as an adult.

Oh my God. It happened. It happened. We're an hour in, we can talk about it now. So now there's a passion of the crap. Passion of the crap. Part two.

It was passionate. All right. Jesus. Uh, I don't know. Listen, I, I've been talking a lot of shit.

Was it in an Ikea? It was in my house Now I will say It was post food poisoning And stomach bug So I was recovering from that But I should know My own bowels

Yeah I've been talking A lot of shit For the last like Decade on people Pooping themselves as adults You were literally Talking shit

I was sitting at my computer And I went like this On the arms To do the old Let me lift this one up It's gonna It's gonna have a lot of volume to it. Went like this.

Why are you pulling up from deep, dude? Just sit on the toilet. What are you, Steph Curry? No, no, I thought it was a fart. He's in the office chair. I thought you were on the toilet. Office chair. My apologies.

I thought you were fucking Ray Allen. You got armrests on my toilet. You're like, brr. Dude, that would be a baller move to have armrests on the toilet. Also, can you scroll up? I don't want M. Night to look this or this. He looks like he's, that would be a baller move. Also, can you scroll up? I don't want M. Night to look this,

throwing this. He looks like he's pooping his pants right now in this picture. So I lifted and as I lifted, mush went down and I caught it

in the dungarees, in the undies. You flexed it? And I waddled and I announced to my wife as I waddled to the toilet, I said, well,

37 years, I finally did it. Yeah. And she was like, what are you talking about? Went and got the rest of the poo-poo out. But yeah, I've passed that threshold now. Wow. I'm an adult that has shat.

Have you ever shat yourself as an adult? No, but I imagine it feels like pretty relieving in both ways where you're like, look, I got it out of the way. I'm very glad. It made me realize if this happened anywhere but my house, would have been a dilemma because like i had i could have kept pooping it would have been fine i walked to the bathroom cleaned up and i now understand why like when you go into a bathroom and you just see like shit pants on the ground or like there's just a spray of diarrhea on the wall you're like oh that was that person's worst

day yeah i no longer judge people for like their poopies. Or, like your dad said, could be a crackhead. Could be a crackhead, true. Unfortunately, that could be crack shit. But you know what? They probably don't want to poop their pants.

They don't want to do it. I think you're probably right on most. I think there might be a select few that's very deviant. No, I've almost pissed myself weekly for the last 11 years.

That feeling of when you have to pee at max capacity, there's nothing... Your stomach feels like a bubble. I can feel it right now. I'm going to pee before we leave here. We're going to get back to my house. You guys have both been on my porch.

It's very dark at night on there. It's just one key. Turn it. Other lock. Get in there. Bathroom's right there. As soon as that key goes in... And what's your address, John? I just start peeing a little bit every time that key goes in at 1152 Jenkins Street. You're a quitter, dude.

You got to hold it all the way. And then I just have to go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I drop everything. Yeah. And I always have to get past the belt. There's always a belt when you got to go. No, you got to actually get into the bathroom, sit on the toilet, and hold it another two minutes and listen to David Goggins. No, it's too late.

It's already coming out. No, for me, I go. But the good thing is, it's like I'm ending my day. So it's like, well, these underwear are going to get washed anyway. Yeah. Might as well pee in them a Goggins. No, it's too late. It's already coming out. Nah, for me, I go... But the good thing is it's like I'm ending my day so it's like, well, these underwear are going to get washed anyway. Might as well pee in them a little bit.

Yeah, truly. You really just got to sew your underwear. We need to invent pissable underwear. It's just a diaper. Never mind. Already exists.

Yeah, I just invented a diaper, ladies and gentlemen. Dude, we could get to places if we had cars that flew or things like that, dude. If only they could go to islands with all of our favorite celebrities. And you could hang out with really cool people of all different ages.

Yeah, imagine you're there. You got a job there at Epstein Island and you didn't know what was going on. There's just a crew that was... Apparently Trump hung out with the kitchen crew, he says. He said he just hung out in the kitchen. You can diddle kitchen workers. I work the chilies. They'll let you.

Oh, John. They should make an iron chef for Epstein's Island or a Hell's Kitchen. Yeah, there had to have been a top tier chef there, right? You think it was the one that Barack Obama killed? It might be, yeah. Yeah, I think so. That's probably why he killed him. I don't know. Big Mike got him.

I got no bones about that. What do you got coming up? Actually, I go through these things where it's, I don't get booked on something for like a week and a half

and I literally have like a mental breakdown. I'm like, I'm a fucking loser. People have figured me out. They don't want to book me on stuff anymore. They know I suck.

Jay and I actually text each other all the time talking about how much a loser you are when we don't see anything. Yeah, it's true. You're fucking Blackberries, you old men.

Why don't you put me in the text chain then? Yeah, we're crapping our pants and we're talking shit on you. Crapping fucking Blackberries, you old men. Why don't you put me in the text chain then? Yep. We're crapping our pants and we're talking shit on you. Crapping, pissing, texting. But yeah, so actually a busy January. This weekend we'll be at Wisecrackers in Mohegan Sun. That's a fun one.

We'll be there all weekend. We're doing three shows there. Wait, Connecticut? No, it's Mohegan Sun in Pennsylvania. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. Three shows. I'm hosting them for Greg Stone. Very funny dude. wait Connecticut no it's Mohegan Sun in Pennsylvania oh okay yeah alright three shows I'm hosting them for Greg Stone

very funny dude Thursday we're at Helium doing the night crap the 19th this is a fun one we're gonna be filming another thing with Kyle Pagan

yes Jay Watt's affiliated on that and Crossing Broad and then later that night we'll be at Fat Lady Brewing Company with Jim Gillespie and all the fellas.

Nice. I got a – where can they find you? Sorry. You guys can find me where you least expect me. When you need me most, I'll be there. The movie Jack Frost made me cry as a kid. There it is. Michael Keaton.

I knew he'd get out of here. You can find me watching Matt cry to Jack Frost tonight. King's Highway comedy, not at King's Highway in New Jersey. This is a Pennsylvania gig. you can find me watching Matt cry to Jack Frost tonight Kings Highway Comedy not at Kings Highway in New Jersey this is a Pennsylvania gig Kings Highway at like

it's called 16 something brewing distillery this month the 18th that's when I'm bad at promos

start over 3 2 1 you can find me at Kings Highway Comedy at a place this month on the 18th damn i did it worse you fucking retarded i'm brain you lose the sandpaper brother uh you can also uh up in easton

rosemont comedy on february 17th the that monday on the never mind two mondays later one month before the 22nd of january we're going back in time again playtime comedy somewhere in philly That Monday on the, never mind, two Mondays later, one month before, the 22nd of January, we're going back in time again. Playtime comedy somewhere in Philly called The Dutch. Find me there. Montague comedy, Hacks comedy golf. It's probably never coming back. I'm a better athlete than Matt will ever be.

And send in, that's what we can do. Listeners, if you're still listening, send in your suggestions on what Matt and I should compete in. Please let us know. We'll do it. And may be live, so you can incorporate in the chat the very next podcast. Also, we'll have a goddamn guest for once in our life. Maybe. If you want to come on the podcast,

let us know, and you can just come to Jay's house. We'll send you his address. We're going to start working our way through the Epstein list. We'll get all of the who's who of the little kissers. Alphabetically, first one, Abe Lincoln. Isn't that crazy? Wow.

Brought him back. Wow. Wow. What is it good for? Outro Music