That Rules Podcast - Episode #105: Geoff Colella “How Much For The Casket?”

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

The best guy is back! Geoff Colella of the Big Boy Mountaib Podcast returns to the show to lay down the law.

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🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 🎵 Who's the guy with Kelly Ripka? What the hell are those names? You're talking about Regis? Regis.

Don't you besmirch sweet baby Kelly. I'm just asking questions. I'm literally just asking questions. I'm the investigator. Don't toss a K in her name. There's no strikeout in there, baby. It's Kelly Ripka. It's Ripa.

Oh, no? She's a sweet South Jersey angel. I believe that to be true. She was the face of Kennedy Hospital for a while. Really? Yeah. I think that to be true. She was the face of Kennedy Hospital for a while. Really? Yeah. I think she's from Washington Township. We'll let the South Jersey bad boys handle that.

We're not a South Jersey-based podcast. We're global. Yeah. And we got the Jeff Colella in the chair tonight, in the camping chair. Welcome to the campsite. Dude, thanks for having me, guys. I like it. This chair is very comfortable.

We're going to change the name of the podcast again. We're working with some new people. I'm on my third name change. So, I mean, it We're working with some new people. We are due for it. I'm on my third name change. So, I mean, it's like a good. Yeah, can you walk us through it? Dude, and we just got a different, a new, it's a new set. We took like a two-month break. I was like, this is the worst, dude.

All we ever do is just relaunch. We do three episodes, we relaunch. You guys are the Ben Simmons of podcasts. You just keep coming back. They're like, he's questionable. It's questionable for a return tonight. He's got a pinched nerve. He might get traded.

We might trade Rusty any day now. There's rumors they hate doing it. I almost cut the whole crew. I was like, we're both fired. This sucks. We're so bad at this. You guys have had a very tumultuous storyline, if you will. You know what it is?

It's like having someone who's so different from you, you you're like the chemistry is going to be good like we're different type of people and then like it'll just be how we both go about things where i'm like this is also somewhat a nightmare sure he'll call me and have like six podcast ideas yeah and i'm like i'm thinking we just click record and let it rip what are you thinking maybe having fun yeah are you guys sticking with uh if you want to plug it, go ahead. Big Boy Mountain. Formerly Beer Naked Joke, formerly Sweet Heat, currently Big Boy Mountain. I'm the big boy and the mountain. So many confusing names.

So many names that just don't give you an idea of what the show's about. Now, granted, ours doesn't either. Our old name did. Our old name summed it up. I like to hand some idiots. Your podcast sounds like the way a quarterback, before he snaps, calls, Sweet eat yeah we're gonna go with omaha omaha check check 53 is the mic i thought it was like clever at first like beer naked joke i was like we're gonna do like an mma type podcast and then we did nothing mma related and then we did sweet heat and people were like it's really hard to search yeah it's just like barbecue sauces sure getting me was fun to say though yeah

getting rusty on a mma podcast is just he might not be a lot yeah i could see that but he does he is sick we all know that he's got bone cancer something yeah something bad man i was trying to look up like ai images like trying to make like a dumb thing for us and i had to type in because they don't follow instructions great i had to be like, Jason Momoa and sick kid in hospital bed. And it nailed it. It just kept putting Jason Momoa in a hospital bed. I was like, no. I don't want to be with him. I don't want to touch him.

So you have to keep prompting him new stuff, right? You have to be like, good job, AI, but I need it to be more racist. Bigger muscles on Jason Momoa. And that was bigger muscles, he said on that one. Following racist with me.

It was going to be very clear on a lot. Big muscles, actually. Also, now I'm worried that Rusty's actually sick. I've made that nobody laugh. If it's a bad joke, I can live with it. If there's anybody that's had multiple people come up to him and been like, are you okay? It's got to be Rusty. I would hope so.

Yeah. Mentally, I mean. I wish people would check in on me. How are you doing, dude? Actually, I hate that. Never mind. Don't do that, dude. Call me gay or something.

Quick, quick, quick. Quick, my feelings. Somebody get me a beer. I can't have a thought. That's my guy right there. Yeah, dude. I think my conscience just started talking. That's exactly what I think all the time.

Yeah. People are like, are you excited or nervous about this mic or this show? I was talking to Gabs actually at Taproom. I was like, when you hosted the other night, or nervous about this mic or this show? I was talking to gabs actually a tap room I was like for when you hosted the other night, and I was like it's Matt nervous And I was like let him go get a beer to he'll be fine. Yes, that's what he said I'm like yeah, cuz that's what we need to do. That's right No, and he is just a liquid courage to do what I do four times a week So you can imagine how that makes my body feel dude right there with you dude

I did I do have about half and half if it's like mics, I don't really, unless it's like I feel like it. I'll crunch like a double IPA. Before I go to sleep, it's terrible. Disgusting. I'm laughing at how quickly you just changed your tone. You're like, I never drink at all the, actually, all the, yup, I drink at every mic I ever go to.

I just stopped going to mics as much, and those are the ones I wasn't drinking. If you give me a show, dude, especially, I'll have like a two or three before you get up, and then if the set goes good, that's the move. Two or three before you get up. That's where I miss drinking is after having a great set, like coming off stage and you're like, ooh, get me a zero. God damn it, I hate myself.

True, I hear that. I can't imagine. You gotta do something else, dude. You gotta go like outside and catch a bird with your bearings. I go and I strangle a homeless man. Every time I have a great set, I take that energy and I put it into a homeless man's throat service really I'm really kind of clean up the streets people are starting to call me Batman it's they gotta give they gotta give like non-drinking comedians something you gotta get like a pig pen outside of the show that you gotta run around and wrestle a little squealer I'm thinking more like a trough and it's me and

all the other sober comics just drinking athletic brewing non-alcoholic out of a trough we're just like that's incredible i love that dude you know also fucking uh jacob lordy dude they're calling me batman you're the jacob lordy show the camera that you're jacob lordy jacob lordy i'm not really a fan of this guy really now dude you can't accept greatness i think i'm hating you can't accept greatness jacob lori fill me in uh new beautiful guy on the block saltburn sucked that movie was complete oh he's the ugly hot guy. They're selling his bath water or some shit like that, right? He's a strange-faced hot guy, right?

Yeah, he just got in trouble. Yeah, a paparazzi or something came up to him and made a joke about drinking his bath water because it happens in Saltburn. And apparently he legit grabbed the guy and choked him and pushed him against a wall. And I was like, bro, me next. And then they're suing, and I'm like, it had to be the guy next to him. Been like, I'm next. My turn.

Is he? Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, wait. No, he is the real hot guy. I was thinking it's the other guy. Oh, you talking about Barry? The little Irish boy? Yeah, whatever he is.

Dude, he's apparently a sex symbol now. I'm like, I don't know. I saw him licking up bathwater, dude. It was kind of weird. Yeah, guys like is. Dude, he's apparently a sex symbol now. I'm like, I don't know. I saw him licking up bathwater, dude. It was kind of weird. Yeah, guys like him are not sad. Like, I can't. I don't know. I guess I don't know how girls' brains work, but the idea of that guy banging me, I'd be

like, all right, that's enough, Gumby. He's just too long. This guy's like 6'4 or something choking someone against a wall. Yeah. That's a big boy right there. And he's Australian, so he's like, what are you doing, my hour? Come on. No.

That's scarier. Yeah. Australians are fucking tough, dude. No, I hour? Come on. That's scarier. Australians are fucking tough, dude. No, I think quite the opposite. Really? Yeah. I'm basing it off of Survivor. I think there's hubris and didgeridoo.

In my mind, there's only 100 people in Australia. And like 50 of them are pretty tough. True. Okay. It's all the guys that ride like dirt bikes in the Outback. Those guys are tough. True. They're all in the X Games.

They all have like a flat brim hat but it's curled up in the front real weird that's fair there's a name for those that type of australian guy i forget what it is uh it's like the outback redneck basically yeah those guys i think are tough the rest i think they're just they don't have enough big cities they don't have like in new york they don't have a big apple dude a big blue and onion i also don't know i have no idea what melbourne melbourne looks like what's the one with the theater? If you ask me to draw any of it, yeah, that's Sydney. Sydney. That's a girl's name.

Sydney Sweeney. Pull her up. Pull her up. Thanks for checking us out, guys. Are you staring at this dude? We just want another hour of three dudes staring at a picture of a hot girl. Welcome to Describing Hot Girls. On this week's episode, Sydney Sweeney. staring at a picture of a hot girl. Welcome to Describing Hot Girls.

On this week's episode, Cindy Sweeney. She does have a little bit of a Victoria's Secret model face, a specific one that I'm thinking of. A couple years ago, they put out a Victoria's Secret model. That's not vague. They put out a model. They said, you want to buy her? Oh, I see where you're getting at.

There's a specific model that people... It was a very inclusive issue, if you will. She has a little bit of that You could say that everyone was down for it. Yeah down with the sin With the sickness dude. Yeah, she's a new season of love on the spectrum. Yeah, I've got a couple of say boy cried Yeah, cry see the guy I see the one guy on tik-tok all the time where he asked if the one chick was like in the nature that guy Yeah, that guy rules to the nature guy where he's like, are you into nature? Blonde hair.

He's really almost buzz cut, almost losing his hair. I know who you're talking about. No, I thought you were talking about James, the blonde haired guy. Who does the clap and that? Oh, I don't know him. James, can you pull up James from Love on the Spectrum, please? He is great. What is Jay James? He finds a way to bring up his hair on every date.

He'll be like, oh, it's real windy. Of course I have hairspray in my hair today. Oh, nice. He's thrilled about his hair. Oh, he's stoked on his hair. He's obsessed about it. And you as well. As a man with longer hair, I understand it.

I mean, this is the nicest possible way, dude. I mean, this is the nicest possible way. I'm not even trying to be disrespectful. I genuinely for a second thought that was Rob Stant. In the first picture. Shout out Rob Stant. Rob Stant's the man. But I will say, I thought that was Rob Stant. In the first picture. Shout out Rob Stant. Rob Stant's the man. But I will say, I thought that was Rob for a quick second.

I totally have no clue. I dig specifically exactly what you're talking about, dude. Not a bad thing. It's a handsome fella. He is the man, dude. I mean, look at that. He talks like DMX a little bit. He's like, ugh.

He does. Damn it. Nailed it, right? Yeah, yeah i've been practicing i've been running a new uh bit about love on the spectrum and it is interesting to like get into the bit i eventually get everybody on board but like i did it the other night i did a na conference narcotics anonymous conference and i was like you guys lay around and watch a lot of TV. I'm assuming I was like you guys are familiar Loving the spectrum couldn't be the most blank stares on everyone in the crowd's face Oh, well, and then I just stuck it out on a joke that you fully need to watch the show

Yeah, or at least understand what it is Yeah, good for you for sticking it out that's pro move did you Pro Montag yeah No, I do a well-lit conference room in a King of Prussia hotel Good for you for sticking it out. That's pro move, dude. You're pro Montag. Yeah. I did the show. It was nice. A well-lit conference room in a King of Prussia hotel with a bunch of former junkies just not liking you when you're on stage. Unfortunately, the dream, dude. Chasing the dream. Just picking the wrong demographic, dude.

Those people don't watch Love on the Spectrum. Certainly. They watch Down for Love. That one also kind of feels like a low blow, for being honest. Dude, that one, I cannot bring myself to hit play Cause laughing Down for love Laughing when watching Love on the Spectrum

You're at least like I'm playing along Down for love If I start laughing I'm going to hell Yeah Dude that one just feels like a low blow Like you know somebody brought up the title

They're like how about Down for Love They're like Yo what the fuck Dude we'll put it in there as a bookmark But we gotta be honest There's no way Netflix is going to approve this name. Someone's like, I love that. Okay, so I'm going to pitch a smooth brain dating show.

They're like, oh my God, dude, are we even trying? It just eked out low and slow. What the hell, dude? No, that show has made me cry on about three occasions. And it's like the, I have to do it a cry where like my girlfriend has already fallen asleep while I'm watching. So I have to like silently cry as to not wake her up. So I was like, the one dude on there is having a meeting with his therapist. She's like, you don't have to be happy all the time.

And I'm like, yeah, I guess we kind of don't. We can just feel how we feel. My girlfriend's like, what was that, Chief? I'm like, nothing, honey. So bad, dude. So, so bad. You're not leaving the room to cry? No, I stay right there and I cry like a mad dude.

I love being like, you get brought up. You're like, I'm actually going to go check So, so bad. You're not leaving the room to cry? No, I stay right there and I cry like a mad dude. I love being like, you get brought up, you're like, I'm actually going to go check and see if the recycling's overflowing outside. I was actually just jerking off the pictures to your friends. I wasn't crying. You doing that and sticking to it while also having tears running down your face is like, I hope to God that's not what he was doing. I hope he was crying. This is sad.

Just to come back, that was a joke as I say that's that's what I would prefer to say, that I was crying. It was not a real thing. I was going to ask, are you guys big criers? Last time I cried. We do talk crying a lot. I cry all the time. I like a good cry, if I'm being honest. Sometimes I'm almost like, dude, I need to cry.

Let me throw something on. Like, I'm feeling weird. Let's get that out of the system. I'll throw in a ladder 49er real quick. Just fucking bawl my eyes out. Joaquin Phoenix getting trapped in a fire after you spent two hours meeting his family.

It is good to know what your go-to crime movie is. Or Click. That's everybody in our generation. Every generation cries a click. It's weird. Maybe like a... Big Fish gets me. What's Big Fish? It's a real whimsical tale, but it's about lost love. I but it's uh it's about like lost

love and i i watched it on a plane the one time i was my wife and i got like split up on the plane seats wise and she was like a couple rows up but could still see me and i was like oh sick big fish is on and i play it halfway to california she looks back and i'm just tears strewn down my face on a flight and she was like oh my god who am i marrying this is embarrassing oh god i'm back there just reconnecting with lost relatives mentally i'm telling you dude you had big fish that's a big love on the spectrum i get a couple tears maybe a new season of deceit on the spectrum where did you watch i watched on a plane which you're in an elevated state too i'm always more emotional on a plane so that's tough also anything on a point like if you're watching a sad movie you'm always more emotional on a plane, so that's tough. Also, anything on a plane.

If you're watching a sad movie, you've got to be. I watched a movie one time that the plane offered. They were like, we play this. And it was like French Dispatch. And three minutes in, someone's nude. And there's a kid behind me. Dude, there is no buffer on that. Don't let me turn it on.

Yeah. This is an all-ages plane. Then they just see you tapping the screen adult only plane you know which would sound kind of sick but it's kind of adult only plane sounds pretty inclusive that all adults playing epstein could use one of those hates all adult planes by the way i mentioned this earlier the idea of deceit on the spectrum just to show about them kind of going against each other, really makes me feel pretty good.

Just one person who's not actually on the spectrum. You're like, which one is it? So you just want the Bachelor, but everyone's on the spectrum. No, I want there to be some, like, people are undercutting people and they're stealing and the whole thing. It's like the Hunger Games on the spectrum. Yeah, it's the Bachelor. Is that what that is? I think it's just a bunch of sluts, like, trying to one-up each other and, like, rat each other out.

Sluts, John. Okay, that's hoarders. I think it's just a bunch of dingbats trying to be like, you know, Sarah said that you actually aren't a good kisser. Don't say that, dude. You said that there's a girl from Philly on there this year. Yeah, she got kicked off. I think so, right? I don't know. Rats.

She was dingbat number one. Do you watch a Bachelor action? Bachelor? I watched a little bit of the Golden Bachelor with uh aaron and uh that was that was i think i like that more because i feel more invested because i'm like damn dude this is a this is a we're just trying to have a little bit of love in retirement before we both die it's kind of selfish of them like you had all your younger years to find love yeah just go play golf well it feels weird because it'll be like the weight on the guy. I don't know if you guys watched it or not, The Golden Bachelor. Yeah, a couple episodes, yeah.

Dude, Gary, I think his name was. Bro. Of course it's Gary. He's like pouring his heart out, and he's like, just there's something special. You remind me of my wife. And he'll start crying, and then he'll like. Oh, and he's a widow.

He's a widow. Oh, okay. But then the girl he's talking to is like, and I haven't let a man touch me since my husband of 43 years. And you're like, damn. And then they fuck that night. And then Gary leaves and throws the same lines on the next chick, and then fucks that chick.

Oh, my God. Let's go, dude. And Aaron's like, I'm like, this guy's a player. He's just trying to get his dick wet. Yeah, he's a hot 65-year-old. You think this guy was going to be a good guy? Dude, but the girls are like, he's so sweet. I'm like, he's going to bang the next chick.

And they're like, nuh-uh. And then they don't show or imply it, but he'll just be leaving in boxers. And you're like, yeah, he's banging all the ladies. For sure. He's just scratching his dick, walking out of her room. All the ladies look like Caitlyn Jenner. You're like, this is...

I don't know what's going on. Are any of them widowers? Is that what a woman is, right? They're all widowers. All of their husbands are dead. That's how you get on the... They have to kill your husband. They have to kill your husband in front of you. It's like, honey, please. The producer's just execution style. Welcome to the house. He's got the whole fucking gauntlet that they drop

on his head. It's the French Revolution of husbands in front of him. They should put, dude, if fucking Biden doesn't get re-elected, put him on there in the next season. The silver bachelor. That'd be sick. Just keep making it older, dude. The marionette bachelorette. The third one is the black bachelor. It's just like a 32

black guy. That one was a little fucked up. They gotta call that the black show. I would like that. Are you guys into Love Island? I'm a big Love Island guy. No, that one was a little fucked up. They got to call that the black show. Okay. Yeah. I would like that. That's it. You guys into Love Island? I'm a big Love Island guy. No, I'm not a big guy.

Only UK. My wife watched a lot of them. She watched the Love is Blind one. I want real Love is Blind. I want actual blind people dating. Sure. That would be incredible. The seat is blind.

Two people feeling each other's face in an Arby's. No, it would be... You can't feel a face in an Arby's, dude. I'm on board. You feel so... I'm on board. I'm all in. I'll invest.

You feel so rugged. I'll invest, dude. I thought for a second it was going to be... Because honestly, when you watch Love is Blind, it's just them talking through a wall. And they're like, I love you. This is the best. You're so amazing. And then as soon as they see each other, they're like...

Yeah, but they didn't go ugly enough on that show right they didn't throw enough curveballs out there where it's like an absolute knockout of a woman and then just a dude that's like barely holding himself together it's just like kind of short and they're like ew that would be amazing if they got like the hot uh golden bachelor they get an old hunk like that and then they just get a bridge troll girl but that has like a sexy voice and like a good personality make that old moron fall in love and then they lift the thing and he's like i don't got any fucking time for this like that's funny that hot people seeing somebody who's like short and not that hot they think he's retarded i think he's got something wrong with it i think they put me on the wrong show what's up man i'm

five i'm tyler i'm five six i'm a six-figure earner in new york city and they're like oh my god he's learning to say tyler's getting to their 60s there's gonna be a problem there's gonna be a big issue on our hands president tyler uh we're gonna have a president tyler at some point james tyler first name though yeah to me tyler joe mannison my friends call me ty guy that's not a name yeah i'm president guy guy he goes over to Poot and he's like, you can call me Ty guy. My friends do. Just don't call me late for dinner. Pooties, what's up? A Tyler would be friends with him. He'd put his guard down.

Yeah. You think so? Yeah. You think Poots would let his guard down? He'd be like, this guy's fucking crazy. If you get like a Burt Kreischer enough guy in there. True. You know, they were like, we fucking like this shit. We respect you.

Sure. This guy Tyler is not bad. He's good. Also, at this point, I guess Poot shit. We respect you. Sure. This guy Tyler is not bad. He's good. Also, at this point, I guess Putin is like 75,000 years old. He said in 60 years. He's a clone. He's got to be a clone at this point, right? Poots?

Yeah. Really? Daddy Poots? I think he's Rosie O'Donnell. Damn. Where's she been? That's a good point. I haven't seen that theory out there yet.

Never seen them in the same room together. You didn't hear me say it. I understand we're on live, and I could get myself. I'm implicit after that, but I don't care. I think Putin's locking in on you right now. Just see Russian arms come from behind that curtain and pull you out. Welcome to That's Heat or something now, I guess. Yes, sweet heat.

Big fan. Big rules mountain. I love it. Big fellow mountain. We're big fans. We do need to just merge all these South Jersey-originated podcasts into one mega podcast. I would love it. Big fellow mountain, wheel of big fence. We do need to just merge all these South Jersey originated podcasts into one mega podcast. I would do it.

That'd be incredible. Every time just scheduling 19 people's thing to go sit in the basement and be like, did you ever jack off ever? And it's like, yes, a lot. What are you crying about? Jerking off. Wait, you didn't answer.

What are you? What are you? I said, dude, ladder 49. Yeah, but that's when you wanted to force a are you What are you What are you I said I said Dude ladder 49 Yeah but that's when You wanted to force a cry Oh you know what dude I heard

Don't sneak click in there I said click You piece of Dude I listened to like I listened to like A French song Like the other day Yeah dude

I listened to a French song The other day And I just remember Thinking to myself Because you know what it is Aaron keeps asking me You know like You know girls like Plan their wedding Their entire lives Like they have like Everything planned out into a French song the other day, and I just remember thinking to myself, because you know what it is? Aaron keeps asking me, you know how, like, you know how girls, like, plan

their wedding their entire lives? Sure. Like, they have, like, everything planned out, and then you just show up. That is not my girl. Okay. She's like, I've never done this before. I need help planning the entire thing. Oh, yeah. I had the same thing. So I'm like, okay. You love that about her. That's why you picked her, because you're like, ah, you're not like the rest. Right. And

now you're like, God, I wish you would just like the rest a little bit. And then I'm like, emerald green? She's like, emerald? I'm thinking more hunter. And I was like, okay. I'm a sage kind of girl myself. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't really see the difference in any of it.

But both are expensive. Just plain colorblindness. I did that a long time ago. It turns out I am kind of partially. I lean into it way more than I should, though. Yeah. I was like, what do you think of these decorations? I'm like, are they even the same color?

She's like, all right, forget it. That's fair. Do these match? I'm like, are they even the same color? She's like, forget it. That's fair. Do these match? Yeah. No, but no, everything is like, so she's like, what should be our song? And she'll just like play songs for me all day. And I'll be like, I'm going to listen to these later. I'm so not in the mood for this.

I want to go shoot someone in Call of Duty right now. And you're playing me like, see ya, which I love. You guys should meet in the middle. And whatever song she picks, there should also be an audio track from Call of Duty right now and you're playing me like, see ya. Which I love. You guys should meet in the middle and whatever song she picks, there should also be an audio track from Call of Duty playing in the background. True. So it's like my heart will go on but also like, send in the airstrike. No, better yet, it should be like the

live chat of Call of Duty like, fucking pussy. L is for being a fucking loser like your fucking fat dad is. You fucking pussy. Dude, there's nothing better than getting somebody on PlayStation or Xbox or anything like that to laugh at your fucking name. Or do you see somebody else's name and they kill you and you're actually so happy that you saw their name that you don't even care that they killed you.

Yeah. What's your name? Uh, I'm butt crumbs. Okay. Or you can hit me with a sauce. Daddy slim, both,

uh, both names I got. And then you toggle, I got killed. I got, I got killed the other day by a guy named Nippleless Cage. That's incredible. That made me thrilled. Pretty good, yeah. My favorite of all time is I got killed once, and right as I was about to freak out, it just said, I am girl age 12.

That was Matt. That was 100% me. 100% one. I literally was like, dude, here's the deal. That's definitely a 30-year-old dude. But I'm furious even more now that I got killed by a 12-year-old girl. Oh, great. And now I'm harsh.

And now, oh, I hate this about Fortnite. I have to turn the game off. Oh, grow up. Meanwhile, it is just you and all 11-year-olds. Do you ever see the old Xbox 360 clip like it's the greatest video message of all time And it's a guy who I guess was fighting with like some 12 year old and you could tell he's probably 1920 and he goes just wanna lay in now I could do stuff with my fingers on a guitar that you'd never be able to do. Oh, yeah, you're gay

But it's not good That's the perfect song that everyone thought they knew they were good at guitar once they could play that song too it's the greatest so good yeah dude playing guitar into your uh xbox like headphones and it's xbox 360 so they're like the foamy ones that don't really capture anything his name is toke on the water instead of smoke on the water like slayer people are still doing the like lowercase x capital x put your name capital x lowercase we were just coming off aim names so we were not far removed that was kind of like lingering We're still doing the lowercase X, capital X, put your name, capital X, lowercase X. Oh, yeah. We were just coming off aim names, so we were not far removed. That was kind of lingering inside of ours.

We ever talked aim names on here? I don't know. You were too old. Dude, the hell were you doing on aim, dude? You think, dude. The fuck were you doing on aim? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No, you guys are so late to the game when it comes to aim.

I don't know if we can scratch that from the internet, dude. I don't know. You guys are so late to the game when it comes to AIM. I don't know if we can scratch that from the internet. You guys are so late to the game when it comes to AIM. Really? You don't understand. Slip Monty 7. A-Wise Theory. We're talking stupid names back in the day.

You can name as many names as you want. He looked up AIM and it came up American Indian Movement. You guys weren't talking about the American Indian Movement? Oh, I've been doing that since I was 12. I was uh chats with girls it was my indian name and girls was in parentheses or in uh may 2006 1997 come on you were not on there oh yeah but hold on that's pictures of me on aim that's aim was big for me it was like 2005 what yeah that must have been a resurgence no No, that was like prime time. That was prime time.

You get on after, I was like fourth grade, fifth grade. You don't understand. Talk to girls from other schools. 1997 chat rooms. Other schools? I stayed within my own domain. So we had four different towns go to the same high school. So I'm in fifth or sixth grade, and I would message girls from, I think I actually fucking

probably message my future wife right now, honestly. Because I would just send out messages to like any girl that was on there. It's a numbers game. Are you guys still talking, this girl? Yeah, Yeah, we're doing married. It's pretty sick Like ultimate Hers was pretty lame. It was just like her initials. It sucked Mine was like blah blah x4 or some shit. Yeah, I would be the guy like posted as a way message I'm like alphabetizing my M&Ms be back later

You were delivering sweet Heat even back then? I'm like, I just blew these ladies' minds. I'm so busy. You weren't song lyrics in the away message? Yeah. There was a brand new song

that everybody, guy and girl, used. If you didn't get invited out on a Friday night, it was brand new and it was home on a Friday, or home on a Saturday night,

all my doors locked up tight, I won't be thinking about you. Everyone would use that one when they didn't get invited to a fucking party. Dude, this is what happens when you let old guys on aim, dude. Do the same thing on Facebook. You guys are putting lyrics. I was like, guys, what are you hot young kids doing? Also, home on a Friday night.

Yeah, dude, I'm nine. Of course I'm home on a Friday night. Yeah, you were nine on there. I was ripping this shit in high school. You're in your early 30s on aim. I was ripping high school stuff on this. I feel like I can't leave my house because of my daughter. I'm sick of this. I'm like I can't leave my house because of my daughter.

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of being attacked for my age. Dude, I would literally bet. I'm out. We would have all those towns go to the. You should have been back in aim. You should have definitely been out. It's right in front of you, 1997.

But it also says 2006. You guys all look. You went on in 2005. It got shut down in 2007. No, aim pages. You only got two years of it? It shut down in 2009. Fuck off.IM pages. You only got two years of it? It shut down in 2009. Fuck off.

In 2010, AIM came to the iPad. I don't want to hear it, actually. That's crazy. If you're still using it in 2010, then you're kind of pushing in a whole different direction. iPad utilization. Yeah, if you brought AIM to an iPad, that's sad. Yeah, that's crazy. iPod Nano, you're done with AIM.

Sure. As soon as you get an iPod Nano, you're done with AIM. You got it on an Apple Watch? You're a fucking loser. Yeah, what was the iPod that clipped with no screen you get a they're like take a guess we don't know what song it's gonna be you don't get to pick that was the craziest invention that was like the fourth iteration they were like you actually can't fucking see shit anymore how about we took all the cool features out

oh it's so funny dude no you guys wouldn't do that Dude I would message girls On aim And then go to the Deferred skating rink On like a fucking I wanna say I did All these same things But you guys are gonna be like You're a fucking pervert

No we'll let you play Were you a backwards skate guy Or would you leave the rink When it was backwards skates only I was a big inline guy I used to inline Like a mofo dude You're a fruitbooter

You look like a fruitbooter dude I thought I took a dead serious too I'd be like Riding dirty would come on Try to catch me riding dirty I'd be like This is dirty would come on, trying to catch me riding dirty. I'd be like, this is kind of my fucking jam. You'd bring your own skates to the, yeah. Not when I was doing that, where I was like, I'm trying to talk to some girls.

Maybe someone grinds on me or something. Yeah, I might rip a little ski ball. I'm talking. You'd grind with skates on? No, I wouldn't. No, you'd go in that corner. I'm saying I would just go to hang out. There was that one corner past the bathrooms.

That was the grinding corner. And it's so hard to hold on to hips when your skates are on. They're just bumping you away. You're like. I was going to say, it's got to be impossible, dude. It's not easy. Hard to get a thrust in there without losing your balance. Especially when you're 36.

It's really. That's good. That's grinding on the fucking Titanic flight deck when they're going down. Dude, it was so fun that you would just go check your boys into the boards for an hour. And then you're like, anyway, Melissa said she wants to backwards skate only with me, so I got to get out of here, guys. And then it's you just, oh, fuck. God damn it.

You're sweaty. You know how hard it is skating with a boner when you're in eighth grade? I cannot imagine. That's crazy. I never saw that. You got an uptuck of B. I never saw that crowd. I steered clear.

I went to the jungle gym. Yeah? They had the big jungle gym thing. Big jungle gym. Yeah. There'd be, like, girls being like, do you want to hang out? I'm like, actually, I got to do a backflip right now, you stupid idiot. I got to go get Mosa in his jungle gym. I had that big jungle gym big jungle gym yeah they're like girls being like do you want to hang out i'm like actually i gotta do a backflip right now you stupid idiot i gotta go get mosa in his jungle gym i don't know you tell me and i do half a backflip and land on my neck

could you please tell to us because i have broken my neck and who was that 19 year old down there and it's john also one warm cookie for the world thank you those warm cookies were nice dude it was fun watching like all the athletic kids make a beeline for the skating rink and then all the fat kids Unfortunately, we were not run to the concession stand we knew it was embarrassing so we'd be subtle but I'm gonna go pee real quick And we want a coke he has when you coke you just want coke grab a fucking three cookies What a great life I miss it all I hate being an adult so goddamn bad. Oh, it's the worst. It stinks out loud.

You know what? It's only the moments where I'm like, I'll have a bowl of ice cream at like 1.30 in the afternoon where I'm like- That does roll. I'll literally to myself go, being an adult's sick. Sick as heck. And then as soon as I had to set my alarm to wake up for my job, I'm like, I hate my life.

I'm going to chop my dad's head off and go on YouTube right now. Yeah. Can we talk about that the fucking decapitation mere miles from here oh yeah dude on YouTube that guy rules

there's also videos of him crooning is there really he's a crooner he's like a 4chan crooner yeah but I think that's like the stage of crooning like you kind of hit that point where you croon so hard

that you cut your dad's fucking head off and then you become president of the United States dude he probably saw a Trump and Biden he's like I can fucking For sure do that

As soon as I'm done Decapitating my dad I'm gonna start this campaign Do you know why he did that? He just wanted me back My dad So I only caught like I basically just got it

From like memes Really the whole thing So apparently His mom was gonna be On the next season Of Golden Bachelor And there's only one way Gary's a great guy

We need to kill dad I'm a producer now And that's what I'm saying That's why Biden's on the next season The mom dates Biden He becomes president Oh, you should have to When you retire as a president

Go on The Bachelor Yes, yes Just Donald Trump and Biden run Simultaneous seasons And whoever season gets Yeah, whoever gets the more ratings And the hotter wife Becomes president Yeah, the biggest twist of Yeah, whoever gets the more ratings

Yeah, the biggest twist of all time they date each other They come together for once the rainbow batch. They make love. I'm all in on that. I'm absolutely feeling them Big company just looking for his dick. He's like, Biden's like, I think it's somewhere around here. The lights are on, dude. Dude, this round of, because it's going to be them again, right? Yeah. Not if RFK says anything, has anything to say about it. I think we all have a better chance than RFK winning.

Yeah, dude. A man who speaks. Could they push the leg? It's got to get to this point. Trump's got to walk out and ball tap Biden right at the start of the debate. Yeah. And then just be like, deal with it. He won't even feel anything.

Perfect Biden or Trump impression. No reaction. The world just completely turned to dust. It's one of the two. But I'll tell you what, it's going to be unbelievable to watch. It's going to be a great time to do comedy during the next probably upcoming six months. As the country burns to the ground, it's going to be very fun. Yeah.

Although people have been chill as hell lately. Yeah, because we know. This is the calm before the storm. It's true. Everybody knows that shit's about to suck. Yeah. They're going to put another fucking virus out there. The election's going to happen.

Somebody's going to win. The other side's going to be like, nah, we're burning it all down. Yeah. They're just going to bring back the Redskins. They're like, we're back, full force. Yes. Fuck the commanders. They sold it. The team? Yeah. We're just bring back the redskins we're back full force fuck the commanders they sold it the team yeah we're just back with the redskins just like the native americans can't believe they're like the dinosaurs what a wwe entrance my god it's running bear they used to have a family I was just kidding

I almost hit one of those too I'm so glad Fucking bite your lip It's what we were taught That's all I was taught When I was there They were like They love bone arrows

And they wore feathers In their hair It's truly not your fault That's it So it's not my fault You can't unlearn that That's not your fault All the stuff that old people

It's like let them go Let them do their thing Yeah That's unfortunately They're still running the planet that's the only downside to letting them kind of still be jerks there's a guy i work with and he constantly brings up shit like that and i know he's a far like he leans really far right but sometimes i'm just like hey brother read the room i don't know if we're all trying to do this in a zoom call

yeah zoom call we're like a zoom call he's like and don't even get me started on the redskins i was like this was today i was like he loves you and i'm like like, don't even get me started on the Redskins. I was like, this was today. And he loves you. I don't think it's coming back, man. I would probably drop this one overall. I think Cleveland should have kept the Indians. Jeff agrees with me. I'm like, wait, what? Don't get me started on a load of potato skins.

So I was talking about the NAMI, the narcotics anonymous meeting. Those people apparently don't pay attention to any news. I was like, the one joke I have, I was like, yeah, the Indians had to change their name, and everyone's like, wait, what? It's like, oh, you guys are very out of the loop. I think it's just baseball, actually. I think baseball is just not doing well. I mean, it is tough. I think I look at it from the lens that I love baseball.

I love baseball, too, but if you grabbed a stranger and said, what's going on with Cleveland baseball? They'd be like, oh, I have no clue, dude. dude right i'll tell you what though how about that dude getting his head chopped off now we're in this dude i would love that i'm telling you that guy definitely just got his first kind of hot girlfriend and she was like you're gonna let your dad talk to you like that you're such a pussy that's what i just think you're assuming i just think wasn't it basically just the internet was cheering this dude on because he was out? His dad was like a political figure, right? He worked for the federal government.

He was just like an engineer. He didn't even hold any office. Yeah. He just like worked for like a federal agency. He's just a mailman. This dude made like $120,000 a year and his son was like, too much power. He's ruining the country. He's probably like three years away from retirement, too.

Genuinely, yeah. He's probably right on the cusp. He's like, I i just gotta ride it out just checking my son cuts my fucking head off anyway dude if i die before retirement ah retirement i would be so pissed off i actually knew a guy like that where he was like he literally i'm not exaggerating he died the day after he retired see that's my fears i'm gonna be that guy i going to be the guy that's like, I didn't do a good job working, but I stuck it out. Yeah. And then it's like six months later, gone. Yeah.

I just don't. I'm trying to live it to the max right now. I'm in basements talking to buds. Sure. I know. What's better than that? I feel like I'm retiring right now. Basement buds.

There's a new, that's our new podcast. That would be a crazy one. It's got to be taken. Yeah. It's got to be. If my dad was doing podcasts in basement, I would chop his fucking head off. I think about that sometimes. I mean, you're a current dad.

Yeah, I have a human that's going to find this one day. I know. That's what I feel like when I'm starting to have kids and get nervous. She's like, Dad, episode 105 with Geoff Colella? What if she's like, Dad's pretty funny, but Matt is like electrical Talking over man Great one. Oh your kids gonna think you're the worst part of it for sure though. Matt was so funny There's no way John's daughter is gonna enjoy anything. I do Can guarantee you that?

The second she does I'll bring up to her about how you chanted stuff about her in a comedy. In a comedy world. Was it the roast thing? Yeah, who knows what the hell happened. I think I was there for that one. Who knows what the hell happened at that thing, dude. That was sick, dude.

I regretted that so very quickly. There was a roast. That and I just backed out of a roast. Did you? I signed us up for it. That was one that I think John was feeling loose when he came up with the idea. I was having a couch moment. I signed us up for a roast battle

in which we would be, it's a tandem, and we would be the only white fellas in the whole thing. The one in Philly. And I found out it's not like a pre-written, like, Jeff's so stupid, he does this kind of roast battle. It's you walk up and just make fun of each other.

And Matt would have gotten drunk and gotten racist. I would have accidentally. No. He means only white guys. It was an all Indian roast. Yes. Oh.

Oh. Yeah. Us versus the Bobs versus the boys? The curry hot. The curry hot. Yeah. Sweet heat. I'd be sending a machine.

The fucking sweet heat, dude. Dude, yeah, no. I would immediately back out of that. I just don't have the confidence that I would be able to be like, I can pick up on other physical attributes. If I don't have three weeks of planning on my shit talk, I'm nothing. I'm like, well, you. And then I just regret everything.

I did a roast battle with you in like two days notice. I was like, this was a mistake. I picked too handsome of a guy. No, dude. You guys had a great one. You just picked too good of a writer, some are saying. Dude. I didn't even think twice about it.

I was like, John said he wants to go. Spot opened up. Let's get him in here. That was fun, though. That was fun. I wish I didn't wear gym shorts, though. I wore gym shorts. Gym shorts was nuts, dude.

I'm going to be honest with you, though. I'm Italian, and I'm sweating right now. It was so hot. Imagine me on, it was 98 degrees. I know we talked about it. When you came to my apartment first, I was kind of making fun of you already. Dude, I sweat so badly. I've gotten Botox injections in my armpits.

Wow. To try to chill out. It's a side effect from I took medication for my acne. I took the Accutane bullshit. And it cleared me up. At least you didn't kill yourself. Oh, yeah. That was close.

You escaped that one. That was close. I would have if it didn't work. I would have if it didn't work. I would have if it didn't work. I'll tell you that. I tried to, but apparently you can't hang yourself via armpit. I don't know. What a David Blaine transition.

More people started accepting me. They said that they only didn't talk to me because of my acne, and I'm starting to make more friends, so this is better now. But no, dude, I literally took sweat pills. They were like, try these pills. Dude, fuck Travis Kelsey. You are Mr. Pfizer, try these pills. Maybe you're fine. Dude, fuck Travis Kelsey. You are Mr. Pfizer, dude. Quit with the medications. Dude, they literally were like, this should help.

I came back. I was like, didn't do a thing. And then they were like, the only thing left is Botox injections. And I was like, let's give it a whirl. I'm just picturing you and four just real vain fucking housewives in the lobby. And she's like, yeah, I'm thinking about getting my cheeks. And she's like, I'm getting these gross feet. Just like, let me tell you, girls, I'm getting my pit fucking shit it out.

Dude, they were expensive. And I kept sweating. And I just called. I was like, stop ordering them. This is a waste of time. It's going to be so sick. You go for Botox. And they put you under.

And you get fake tits. I'm missing a kidney. And they're sweaty as hell, dude. You have sweaty as fake tits, dude. You're like, I need to get my pits done. And they're like, I think he's had his tits done. I don't know. Let's put tits inside this 16-year-old.

He told us to put his podcast on while we operate? I'm telling you, I got Botox injections within the last year and a half. Oh, really? This isn't even 16. I've just been dealing with this. I wore four shirts yesterday. Did you have medicated deodorant at some point? Yeah, but it burns. I had a friend that had prescription

deodorant and he had to wear a tight t-shirt. Dude, I literally was like, I'm never doing this again. We're going degree for men and we're just going to keep reapplying. I don't know who am I. Have you tried to go natural deodorants as well? Because those are absolutely dog shit. I leaned into those for a minute.

Yeah, they don't work. Yeah. I just had one that I ordered via Amazon. I was like, ah, this will be a good one. I put it on and immediately went to my Amazon. I was like, I want my money back. And then they basically responded like, nah, we get it. You can just keep it.

We'll give you your money back. We're so sorry. Just frozen water. We're actually amazed anyone bought it. They truly are. We're going to start selling it as glue. Yeah. It's just like eye black that you put under your armpits.

It does nothing at all. Except it makes your arms look hard as hell, dude. When you're out on the lacrosse field. You go black pants, too? Yeah, dude. You smear it like a douchebag lacrosse guy. I fucking raised like a red panda defending itself. Have you ever seen a red panda defending himself, dude?

That's a great reference. It's the cutest thing on earth. I've never seen it. Jay, if you don't mind, pull up a red panda defending himself. Jeff will have a podcast called Red Panda Defense Team by the end of the night. There's a popular meme, but every time anybody's mean to me, this is who you're being mean to. Are you a red panda? Is that your spirit animal?

That's exactly right. Yes. It is so goddamn cute. Show it to me, baby. Oh, it's a raccoon. Look at that. That's me, bro. That's a Pokemon.

I'm long. Yeah. That's a raccoon. Look at that. That's me, bro. That's a Pokemon. I'm long. Yeah. That's how you got kicked out of that bar. Hey, man. We will never. I was trying to stank your leg. We will never speak of that again, dude. What a rough night for the boys.

No, the boy. No one else was there but you. True. Dude, sometimes you got to drink 22 beers. I do miss getting drunk with you. I was thinking about that when you were telling me drunk stories on the drive over here. I was like, man, I haven't even seen you really drunk in a long time since I started drinking. I'm not getting hammered as often, but this weekend I said, I'm gonna channel my John and do this thing.

I don't like it that people tone it down when they're around me now. I want people to drink more, because now I'm gonna remember the shit that they do and be entertained by it. I feel like the older we get, the less a day drink becomes doable. You know, it's like it's like you start to I don't know. I've done a day drink where like it's like 6 p.m. and I'm like second winds coming on and it's only going downhill from here. Yeah, it's insane that especially because like you think about the stuff you got to do.

It's like go eat greasy food. So it's like, that's what's gonna keep me moving, is plopping shit in my stomach for this next five hours. But then I wanna sleep. But then I wanna sleep, so then I don't have, like, the energy anymore. I'm like, ugh. Then you go RBVs and then you're just, you're done for the night, dude. A couple Red Bull Vockies. After you found

sluggish. I'm a big Wawa guy, dude. I'll go to Wawa, just, like, buzzed, roll in in get quesadilla I'm like put as much bacon on there as you possibly can Like guys you're not gonna believe it when I'm drunk. I like to go to Wawa. Yeah, I'm just saying that's my go-to I don't like no Greater field of areas ever thought of this shit. You're the guy You're the guy touch screen works when your shit face to keep the lights on

Keep the lights on if I go up there with mom,? I'm the guy. You're the guy. Did you know that touchscreen works when you're shit-faced, too? I keep the lights on. I keep the lights on. Dude, I go up there. When I'm drunk, I go to those touchscreens like a busy waitress. Like, toward rush hour, I'm, like, fucking tapping it with a card and shit. You know what you can do, which I just recently learned, is you can go to Wendy's and ask for a 50-piece nugget. Really? Don't tell me that.

It's not on the menu, but if you just say, hey, can I have a 50-piece nugget, they'll charge you $15 and just put 48 sauces in a bag with the nuggets and just say, here you go. 15 beans for 50 nugs? Can I be trying to raise a family not knowing this? Dude, it's a bummer because every single time I go to Wendy's, I'm looking for an excuse to get 50 nuggets. I mean, keep them on hand.

You know, just like a late-night snack nug? I look at her and I go, would you have some nuggets? She goes, I'd have a couple. I go, you got to have more than a couple. Would you have 25? If you have a couple, I'm having 47, and that's a problem. I can't do I can't justify this I mean I have 30 You mentioned having a wedding you're planning hear me out Babe, I know we're talking about a caterer and everything yeah, what if we had a nugget bar

No, dude, have it instead of throwing the fucking thing behind her when they as the what they just throw nugs Go card with the sauces. We're stopping at Wendy's on the way home. We can't talk nugs this much. 50-50. You're going to go to the one. They're going to be like, we've never done this ever. No.

Put the one near me. You just ask. It's a speakeasy password. Do you think given the time to prep, you could put down 50 in one setting? Now? I mean, it's going to hurt. Of Wendy's, no. Of Chick-fil-A, yes.

Wow. Okay. Wendy's is a bigger nugget. It's also a little bit more fast food-y, I think. I don't know if my stomach could handle it as much. I love that Chick-fil-A has tricked everyone into thinking it's a healthier option. I used to work at Chick-fil-A. I don't know what it is.

Did you really? Yeah, I worked in the kitchen. Hey, thank you. What the hell were you doing back there? You didn't bullshit. You worked there. I tossed a thank you at is. Did you really? Yeah, I worked in the kitchen. Hey, thank you. What the hell were you doing back there? You didn't bullshit. You worked there. I tossed a thank you at you. You're not hucking a my pleasure right back at me?

Oh, I worked in the kitchen, dude. I got to do it real sarcastic. My boss would be like, thanks for that, chef. Oh, yeah, dude. My pleasure, bro. Oh, it's my, oh, my pleasure. No, I've been in the kitchen. In the kitchen, it was de nada, brother.

I've seen those kids. No, it was actually, it was just high school kids getting high in, like, near the trash cans and coming back in. And they're like, what's going on back here? I'm like, nothing. I just loaded up a 40-count nugget. I know we don't really do that. So it was their pleasure the whole time. What did I do?

I channel on twists. That sucks, dude. That's the CQ. That's something different. No, Chick-fil-A is awesome, dude, forever. I actually don't care about their viewpoints. Because I like that they would let me watch football on Sunday. And that was big for me. I saw a meme that was like, my mom's racist.

Or my mom's homophobic. I still eat her food or something like that. It's like, I'm not going to stop going. Not my mom. That's pretty good. One of my favorite things in the world is getting Chick-fil-A with a lesbian. You're just standing at a kid's birthday party with a Chick-fil-A tray a lesbian. You're just standing at a kid's birthday party with a Chick-fil-A tray

and just watching a lesbian go, God damn it, they are great. And just eating a handful of nuggets. Just putting her morals aside. Whoever cooked it, she goes in and says, I want to move in with you. I love you. I thought you were doing the cows as their mascot.

I want to move in with you Oh, okay Eat more chicken, Billboard My comedy is layered Much like a Michael Myers Much like a Chick-fil-A sandwich This podcast is brought to you by Gunnar Bedrock Or a gay flag

Two missed free throws, bricking for chicken True Am I right, guys? Is it still bricking for chicken now? That is I think the other night there was a four count handed out. I was out and beat 70, Berger. What team's there?

How sick was that? He had like 24 in the first quarter. I jokingly go, on pace for 96. And he just keeps going. And I was like, this is actually unbelievable. He does this. I'm getting a 50-piece nugget on the way home. Saying that with your calculator.

96. 96. How many nuggets is that? Are we up to? Eight. Eight nuggets. That's enough for my future son. I went with Brittany Johan.

She brought me. And Brittany Johan brought me. And then midway through the game, two lesbian chicks with just like, I'm talking like super saiyan haircuts. Just sit down next to Britt. I mean, it's tight You know the seats are we're like upper level. It's tight. Britt just leans over to me about these fucking lesbians And I was like yo, they don't everyone around us doesn't know that you're a lesbian. I mean they do People behind and people in front just looks like some dude leaned over at me and went yo how about these lesbians?

Also if they're behind they're just seeing you from the back with your hair. Just fully thinking you're also a lesbian. Pretty looks like the guy. I look like the chick. I'm like, this is a nightmare. Just two schizophrenic lesbians. Like, look at these lesbians. It's us.

So a couple of super saiyans, a couple of anagays. So the fucking game had to be insane. I'm so jealous. It was fantastic. It was this one dude tried to befriend me. Guy next to me kept talking to me the whole time. And he was just bullshit and he could feel it. He would be like,

my brother got blocked by Tracy McGrady on Twitter. And I'd be like, wow, sick. He'd be like, tell him. And he'd be like, I've never had Twitter before. You're making that up. And I'd be like, I don't want to be a part of this. I actually came with my friend and there's something pretty historic happening right now in front of us. We just kind of watch this.

If you guys want to shut up, my friend's going to beat you up, okay? See these lesbians over here? We've got a couple. Huey, Dewey, and Louie over here about to knock you out. You get my hair off. I got the Scissor Sisters over here. I'm just trying to fucking watch history. Goku and Vegeta over here, powered up.

Vagina. Just laughs and says vagina. It's so sick. Hey, I'm just trying to fucking watch history. Goku and Vegeta are over here, powered up. This is vagina. Just laughs and says vagina. It's so sick. Hey, I'm 27, so. I'm 28. Could you tell? No. You look young.

You look like you've gotten younger. No. Not at all. How about this, Jeff? Yeah. Thanks, man. No problem. Dude, that was going to bum me out.

I didn't mean it like that. I thought you were going to hit me with that. I was like, oh. Oh, my God. Never in a million years. A trap. This is high school. I'm going to bum me out. I didn't mean it like that. I thought you were going to hit me with that. I was like, oh. Oh, my God. Never in a million years. A trap. A trap. This is high school.

I'm going to get ball tapped. I think you've looked exactly the same for the last, what, six years that I've known you? Yeah. That's what Dunnigan said recently. He's like, dude, you hit it earlier. Your hair's just been different lengths. That's it. Yeah, really.

Yeah, I got to trim it up. I'm probably going to get it closer to your. No, let it grow, baby. I'm actually going to trim it tomorrow. Probably a little bit shorter than yours for the wedding. I'm going to clean it up tomorrow. Okay. Don't go too short, baby. I'm actually going to trim tomorrow. Probably a little bit shorter than yours for the wedding. I'm going to clean up tomorrow. Okay. Don't go too short, dude. I

regret... I was a short hair guy during the wedding, and I went, like, fresh cut. Fresh cuts are never great in pictures. You need to let them age for, like, a week and a half. Yeah, true. Wait, when is the Monica Lewetski? May 11th. May 11th? Holy shit. I thought it was, like, next year.

No. Holy... And you're picking out colors for shit, dude? Dude, we sent out save the dates like last week yeah did you guys get one everything we did we've planned in like nine months but we bought the house at the same time so like she's like we gotta get on this wedding stuff i'm like but look at all the cool house shit we can do now yeah as a guy i'm like i gotta do these projects i gotta start a project i'm never gonna finish literally i'm like i gotta like repair this sub pump discharge hose clearly i could probably make this work instead of hiring somebody i watched a tiktok i know how to do it um hear me out i got really shit face the other night and i think i could shiplap this entire house within a

day sure yeah i've signed up for a lot of projects where i was like i thought about it i know we had a couple drinks last night. Doesn't seem doable. Doesn't seem doable. I was calling Ryan Foster seeing if he had any tidbits. Don't do it. Don't do it. He just steals all the masculine energy when he comes in and he installed a fan in front of my daughter and he was just like, see that? That's how a real man works. I'm like, alright, go inside. I hope you're a lesbian.

The fan he installed was his daughter. She's a huge fan now, dude. She's like, that rules. Dude, that's so funny. That is something else, dude. I could never let that happen. Yes, we're really, we're really slacking. You're never going home.

Yeah, I know. You'll rent till the day you die. Absolutely. Nah, you can get, dude. Matt's going to rent a casket. I mean, do I need it forever? Doesn't everybody rent a casket? Don't they take it away?

No, you're buried in it. No way. Yeah, unless you're cremated. Would you think they't everybody rent a casket? Don't they take it away? No, you're buried in it No way Yeah, unless you're cremated Would you think they would Like a staging casket? I didn't know there was A gold mine of wood I had access to the whole time

You didn't know there was A sweet amount of oak Just mere miles down the road? Polished oak just lying You know how much pine I could get my hands on Right now, guys? It's just sad you're mining

It's just somebody In a wooden box You're like, ah It's just sad Burying back up That's a hilarious thing To like ask about in the will And be like

Who are you leaving That fucking casket to And they're like What Huh Dude Oh don't be all selfish With the casket grandma

You old bitch Wait have you not been to a funeral And seen a casket get lowered Into the ground That's what I'm saying I guess I thought Did you think they lowered it And then everybody left

They're like Alright bring it back up I don't know if it was Like a David Blaine thing Where my grandma Here's like two towns over. I'm still waiting. We left a lot of snacks in that casket. Wow.

I can't believe they're just rotting beautiful wood below the surface. Just go to a viewing and then being like, what are you doing this afterwards? You're going to save it for the next one? What model is this? Oh. Oh. Matt walks up to him. How many dead people have been in this one?

Just one. Just one. How many owners? How many miles on this one? You're slapping it like a car. Like, how about this bad boy, dude? Pretend to say a prayer. I don't know.

What can you take off the asking price? Sir, are you going to say a Hail Mary and walk away or what? Oh, dude, people got to get active in the casket game. Have you ever been a pallbearer? Have you ever bared a pall? Yeah, that's terrifying. No. I'm like a veteran pallbearer and every time

you feel the body shift in there. That was actually his aim name. You don't know what a pallbearer is. WWE dude? Yeah. He was WWF. Don't talk to me like that, dude. I was pointing at this guy. Big Undertaker guy.

Yeah. Sorry, guys. Sorry, guys. I'll carry your casket. Perfect. Dude, it was actually spot on. Earns are interesting, too, though. Earns are interesting when you do the cremation shit.

Brittany said that recently somebody handed her remains in a gift bag that was just in a box. Dude, my dad is in a box in the drawer of my desk in my house right now. We went no earn. Oh, wow. Does he want it spread anywhere?

So it was weird. What's weird, you say with the casket too, you still have to rent the casket. So he was laid out at the funeral in a casket. We didn't just put him in a chair. So he kicked his fucking ass.

There is a loaner, but they charge you a good amount to just have that casket like to put them in it so like you do want a hundred bucks more we'll bury you in it and i'm starting to be more and more right so but then we divided the ashes into three my sister got some my mom got some and i got some my mom spread some of hers in the ocean let me did a whole like thing it was beautiful i think my sister did something and i just of hers in the ocean. We did a whole thing. It was beautiful. I think my sister did something, and I just put them in the box they gave me in the desk that was his desk, too. Oh, wow.

That's not a metaphor for you just stuck at work for the fucking day. And I open it up. It's the desk I sit at all day for work. And every once in a while, I go in that drawer. It's like seven legal notepads, those yellow ones, and the box of my dad's ashes. And I'll just open it up and be like, hey, what's up, dad? And just shut it.

That'd be insane if he left you a note of where he wants them scattered, and he's just like, throw him a Trish. There you go. What'd you do? When she's sleeping. And then you find out she disappears. She's been a magician the whole time.

That's so fucking stupid. Okay. Yeah, well, they also don't, so when you get cremated, it's not... You just get a fine powder. If you were to sift through remains, not everything melts down, apparently. Oh, really?

There's bone fragments and stuff in there, too. Oh, my God. Teeth? For real? That's sitting a mere two feet away from me at all times. I'm not going to lie. That feels pretty crazy. I feel like you've got to do something.

But now it's like I don't know what to do with it. I'd rather you put it on a mantle or something. Yeah, decorate it. The box is not very decoratorial. Buy an urn, pour them in it. Be like, that's my dad up there. No, because now I have a kid, and everything in my house is going to get broken at some point. You know what's worse?

Having my dad in a drawer forever or having to clean them up off my living room floor while Bluey's playing in the background. Get him a casket. Get a casket in your house. Put your dad's remains in there. You should put a box in the casket. There we go. That's good right there. I've thought about like taking it to like certain like, ah, he loved baseball.

Sneak onto Citizens Bank Park and spread the ashes while I like streak across the field just to get tackled by some kid that got kicked off the Widener football team. A remain delay, not a remain delay. They're bringing out the tarp. This is a real mess out here. He just started putting some of it

into Bryce Harper's pocket. I don't know. He was crying and saying some lines from Big Fish. He was crying and just doing lines from Field of Dreams. That's another one. Dude, I pray that you guys know that. Is that a crier for you?

Well, I mean, it's a baseball movie. My dad was my baseball coach my whole life. It was like a thing that bonded us. And the movie is literally about a guy trying to reconnect with his ghost dead father. Yeah. And it ends with him going, hey, dad, want to have a catch? Come on. It's pretty brutal. It's pretty brutal. have you seen for love of the game have i seen it it's one of my favorites it's one of my favorites the fucking mechanism my absolute favorite you're asking me if i've ever seen a kevin costner

vehicle with a little uh uh what's his face from stepbrothers too oh john c reilly is a catcher yeah i want to call him like Cal. He's the second best movie catcher of all time. The best one is the dude that's in Scream, and he's in Summer Catch. He plays the catcher in Summer Catch. Matthew Lillard? He's the guy who comes back.

He's one of the murderers in Scream. He's one of the Screams. Yeah, that's Matthew Lillard. Matthew Lillard, yeah. He's a Screamer. Best catcher in baseball movie history. Really now? He just walks out at one point and he's like, you know what?

I don't even think it's you. I've just been kind of farting in the umpire's face the whole time. I think I might have poo-pooed in my pants on the last one. I was like 11 when I hit that. And then you hit me with an almost naked Jessica Biel. Forget it. Oh, yeah. Pull that scene up, Jay.

Let's get horny in the last couple minutes. I know, but that's Chuck and Larry, Jessica Biel. Oh, Adios. We're going to go out on a montage. We're past an hour, right? Let's just talk how hot Jessica Biel is for the next 13 minutes. Not enough time. Actually, I was not going to lie. I was actually a bit of an Alba guy myself.

Who wasn't? That was young for you guys, too. You were young pups. Oh, Fantastic Four, Jessica Alba Cream in my pants Dude I wish I'd be like Invisible Woman She's probably here watching me wank it right now She's probably here watching This is where she would go If a woman with her caliber

Got the abilities to become invisible She'd definitely go to a 9 year old Jeff Colella's room In beautiful South Jersey and watch him begrudgingly tug at his wiener for upwards of three and a half minutes. She's doing it for science. She's a scientist in the movie, dude.

And she'll knock over a beaker on Jeff's dresser. I don't know why there's a beaker, but there is. Jeff has a beaker in there. That's always how the invisible people reveal themselves. Jeff's in his bedroom fucking a beaker at nine years old. Where do you think he came? He was collecting his seed to give to beautiful Jessica Alba. People fucking a beaker Collecting his seed to give to beautiful Jessica. How about couple girls called me? Mr. Fantastic before in my dreams, mr. Stretch Yeah, I was really mr. Stretch. Yeah, I was the rock thing for you Dude I promise and they burnt the whole time.

Oh, man. That's what the sweet heat was. The sweet heat, dude. A little bit of hot sauce in your pee hole. Oh, man. Oh, boy. That's pain Olympics, dude. This makes me want Taco Bell.

I'm going to get Taco Bell on my own. We had one of our baseball coaches who was our friend's dad. He was rubbing down someone's arm with Tiger Bomb or Biofreeze, Icy Hot, if you will. Yeah. And then he went to the bathroom and our dugout had bathrooms like in the back and you just hear like the death scream from above of just like oh my god we're like what and he's like oh he was just rubbing icy hot on some guy's arm and then just

went and took a piss didn't wash it off his hands yeah that's viral fucking shacked it and talk about that in the commercials yeah don't put your balls on it don't use it on your butthole don't use it that was your best impression nevermind stone cold just smashes two icy huts together i went down i got a tiger bomb what What? That's actually pretty good. It's a solid stone cold. It's absolutely a solid one, yeah. That is very good. Damn, dude. What?

What? That was his catchphrase. Oh, I think you're just saying that. I said it was good. I think he's like, I don't understand. I think we're fishing for breeze. Oh, this. Can I get a hell yeah.

What do you think your best impression is? My best impression? We'll go well over an hour, baby. It's Patreon content. I used to be able to do, with smoking, it's like an hour baby um it's patreon i used to be able to do it's with smoking it's like i'm kind of losing certain certain things i used to be able to do i used to do a pretty decent uh joe from family guy i do a hey peter that turns out me and quagmire gonna go hang out with cleveland i used to do that a little bit that's very good a little raspy but the good thing is you can also do a putty from Seinfeld. Same guy. Oh, yeah.

True. Yeah, I can do all his roles. I'm like, I'm actually. You guys ever seen. What was the thing he was with? Like David Spade and shit. It was like rules of engagement or some shit. Yeah.

Was he? Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's my favorite thing to do other than the Joe with him is his scene in Ted. And he's like, yeah, I got beat up again. It's like, dude, you think you're like some gay fight club or something i don't know i might be gay or something i don't know yeah this is uh ryan turns out i'm gay or something i don't know fuck you fuck you deal dude it's the fucking best one of the funniest movies ever dude i'd still hold on movies dude family guy when that first

came around that was like a whole new brand of humor that I hadn't thought like just the cutaways Yes, totally random cutaways that lasts like five minutes that have nothing to do with what the episodes about Yeah, I was like damn. I don't know you that's what my brain thinks I don't do that people that are older than us though disrespect family guy really dude I eat on you and I love it. Yeah, I'm 31 year old and they'll be like dude whatever Jack Simpsons, bro. They're South Park elitists. They're like, I can't enjoy both.

It's like, you could absolutely enjoy both. You can enjoy all three. None of them are ever made to cancel the other out. Yes. I could like South Park completely independently from Family Guy. They never made Family Guy going, this is going to fucking bury the Simpsons. It's their loss, dude. They missed the triumvirate of hitting a Family Guy at 8, then a park at nine and a tosh.0 at ten hello folks dude the the value of a uh family

guy box set my freshman year of college because it was there was no cable in any dorm so box sets were huge box sets reigned supreme there were like knock down drag out fights friendships ended over like box sets returned and you're like yo the third disc of 24 is in here what the fuck yeah and you're like no no no they're all there he's like no no no i have 23 i don't have 24 i need 24 yeah i need to find out what jack bauer is gonna do friendship over yeah but the family guy won that thing got passed around like the wing of my dorm and it would just be like everybody would pile into one room and watch it together, oddly. And also, we discovered how awesome weed was at the same time. Because it was like rediscovering drugs in college. Like, you did a little bit in high school, kind of.

But then you really ended up doing them in college. Walking across to Cabrini's campus, getting a little bit high with my roommate. And then giggling at fucking Cleveland, falling out of that tub. No, no, no, no, no. Just on loop. Box set's actually another name for a lesbian couple. I mean, if you couldn't put a bow on the episode, any

better than right there. Jeff, what do you want to promote other than all the podcast names you've dropped? Oh, yeah, dude. Catch Up, Beer, Naked Jokes, Sweet Heat, Big Boy Mountain. They're all really three independently good podcasts. It's like three different seasons of your favorite show. You could get all the episodes and stuff. You guys lost the whole show, right? I kept the Sweet Heat ones up there and just

changed the RSS feed or whatever. But yeah, I have a show coming up this Saturday, but all those tickets are fucking sold out, so good fucking luck getting anything in there, dude. Moose Lodge with our boy Danny Callahan. Oh, hell yeah, that's a fun show. Pays way too much.

Don't say that. Dude, that place, those Moose Lodges are, they're fun, but they are interesting. It's just a bunch of people that you're like, all right, I just cut half my set. We're going to, you know what? You guys don't seem like you watch Love on the fucking Spectrum. You know what I'm saying? You guys aren't down with the love. You seem like you're all on the Spectrum.

But yeah, just check out my podcast. I plug all my shit on there. Or Instagram, if you can spell my name. G-E-O-F-F. Good luck. We're going to misspell it on this episode just on purpose. 100%. We actually just, I called the Tux place the other day, and he goes, can I get a name for it?

I go, it's Jeff. He goes, it's not one of those ones with a G, right? I go, it actually. It looks like I'm wearing sweatpants to my wedding, you fucking dickhead. I go, it actually is. He goes, get the fuck out of here. I just had a guy come in like that. I thought, that's crazy. Two in one week.

It was just your dad going to rent a tux for your wedding. That's what I swear to God. I was like, there's only so many of us. Yeah, true. Yeah, Jeff Colella on all your social media platforms, and yeah. Thanks for having me on, guys. Thanks for coming on, brother. Thanks for doing it. What do we have this Friday? because I guess this will be up maybe

live right now right do we end up going live yeah Thursday first start with Thursday promote the thing we're on Thursday oh yeah post game comedy show we'll be running that one at the tap room again please come by the tap room at 8 p.m. Doors open at

7. Come hang out at that. And then Friday, we're at Slantcha in Media, opening for Ryan Foster and Peggy O'Lear. I'll be hosting that one. That's great. A little double headliner. February 22, I'm going to be at Helium Comedy Club hosting for Josh Blue.

Very excited about that. And then a couple other ones in February I'll post up. And March 2nd, please come to Scores Sneaker Boutique. Me and Johnny Boy are running a show over there. It's our first show. Tickets are moving pretty quick, so I would try and grab now if you see it. But please come out. It's a fun show.

That's not even like we're lying and saying it. I sent Matt the numbers today, and it's surprisingly 50% sold out right now. So if you are thinking about coming to the show, even if you're a comic that we like, buy a ticket. We need to pay comics. That was my message to the comics.

But come out. I got tomorrow I'm getting a haircut. On the 15th. I'm in the wrong month. Next week, hosting at Helium as well for Robbie Hoffman,

the early show Thursday. Come to that and then hang out and you can get blackout drunk at a nightcap afterwards. That'll be a good time. I'll plug another person's show. That Saturday, the 17th, Rosemont Comedy at Rosemont Fire

in Easton, PA. I forgot that was happening. I'll be in the Poconos the weekend after that. And then, like Matt said, March 2nd, come out to Scores Sneaker Boutique. We're going to make Matt become a sneakerhead again. I can't wait for you to wear just open-toed sandals.

I'm done with my box-set shoes, baby. I'm back. Give it to me. Thank you. Bye.