That Rules Podcast - Episode #107: Josh Ryan & Ricky Paciorek “Rasputin’s Cremation”

Episode Date: March 1, 2024

Couple South Jersey Idiots sitting in a basement getting silly. Josh Ryan & Ricky Paciorek join the fun and we all learned a thing or two. From Rasputin to “is Josh gay?” We cover all the hard hitting topics.

We had a wonderful conversation and then the three of us had a wonderful conversation Road sodas on the way here? No Tell it to your PO We were on the sidewalk in a random neighborhood drinking though Unfathomable If somebody drove by that I'd be fucking absolutely terrified We were saying hi to people walking by

We were converting people to Christianity Big Rick would be like Do you believe in the Lord Jesus Christ? Yes I do That's the first time he's done missionary in years. Come on, folks. There's somebody that walked into a house and was like, honey, the weirdest gay couple just moved into the town.

The same time. I think they're both power bottoms. Yeah. The same time we're outside drinking beers on the sidewalks. There's an Amazon package getting delivered and we just look like fucking pirates. Yeah, you're just waiting for it. You're ready to go, dude. Coming to a theater near you.

Check out Porch Pirates starring Matt Peebles and John Monte. Wow. Kind of. Yeah, I wear a hoodie the whole time. You don't see a lick of my face. You guys were in that, too? Yeah, we're kind of actors at this point. We're kind of.

You were in it as well? No. Oh. You said two. Damn, you look disappointed. I apologize. Just because I know a lot of people that have said they're in it. I mean, I was in it in the way that I would get a text that morning and be like, can you

please come? Nobody else will do this. And I go, all right, I'll be there. And then you dress up and then you beat the fucking shit out of Ellie Summerling because that's what Dorian tells you to do. He was telling me, he was like, you're the one. That's what your heart told you to do. Who the fuck are you kidding?

True. This is before we started shooting. Yeah. That was your acting exercise? I like to go punch a lady. Don't race, you kidding? True. This was before we started shooting. That was your acting exercise? I like to go punch a lady. Don't race, you fuck. Not a lady. Ellie specifically.

One of the sweetest women of all time. New York. Yeah, but that was like what I had to do. I was supposed to be the killer in the movie. And she was great about it. We're like, I would go to, I was supposed to like, I was looking forward to seeing it. Huh?

Spoiler alert. Thanks. Oh, shh. I mean, he went on Eventbrite and bought tickets. These are early leaks of the package. Did you really? Yeah. Don't worry.

Just like Matt's comedy career, he doesn't end up killing. So we're good. Oh. Oh, wow. I'm just kidding. He's a funny comedian, everyone. Speaking of funny comedians, we got Rick and Josh in the den. What are we calling this now?

The dungeon? The kissable area. The kissable area. Bricktown. Kiss area. The kiss area. The kissing area. The kiss area. The kissing corner. The smooch room.

The kissing corner. What would you name the smooch dungeon? Kiss dungeon. It's not getting better. Area 51 kisses. There it is. Okay, great. Anyway, we got Josh Ryan and Ricky P on the pod.

Fellas, thanks for coming on, dudes. Thanks for having us. We're live. We're in charge. You guys are out pre-gaming. What a life to lead. We started driving and I'm like, Josh looks at me and he's like, I don't even know

where we're going. I'm like, oh yeah, I don't know where I'm going either. Yeah, that was my beat. He just said Manioc. I had a 22-minute runway to figure out what fucking specific address in Manioc I had to get to. Cut to the two of you guys hammered, walking the streets, screaming Jay's name. Yeah.

I just... You're singing the theme song to the podcast, hoping someone opens the door. When we walked out, Rick walks like an angry gorilla. He's the sweetest man in the world, but he's terrible. Like, if you didn't know him, he'd be the most terrifying guy on the planet. And he goes, it's 53 53 whatever this road is whatever road wrong

You don't get a address Geez, I think Jason security number is Why gave him the wrong number? Oh nice? so you guys went to the wrong house first we we parked and we we Parking here is insane. Yeah, and We go past a pretty decent sized spot like I don't think you're gonna fit and then we get this to the second spot and it's 20 feet later 20 feet away that was 20% smaller than he's working like he's like

awesome powering timeless bit sure yeah we got here at 645 we didn't show up to the house till 7.15 It was just It was a good 40 minutes That was your collective weight guys What are you talking about You guys got here at 7.30 I had to get out of the car 6.45 was your blunt alcohol

He's blown a 6.45 He's the coolest fucking guy You know what I'm not drunk is If you saw how much wiggle room I had to park this fucking car. You couldn't put a piece of paper in the front of the fucking. Really? Oh, my God. I don't know how we're going to get out.

Yeah. Parallel parking. I'm praying to Jesus somebody's going to leave before us. Yeah. Either in front or in back. That leads me to my, one of my new services that I think I've been brainstorming is you, it's like an Uber. It's like Uber.

But what you do is you get a woman's son and you put her underneath of your car and so you don't have to parallel park you have the mother you know they always say they get that like rush of adrenaline to move a car she comes up moves your car out of the parallel parking spot you don't have to wiggle back and forth her son is safe everybody wins what do you think you could charge for a service like that because you're committing a couple of felonies like i'm just wondering that's what we's ballparking me and my investors are talking $240,000 per unit of sale. After lawyer fees and

pleading down. The mom's just so happy to get her kid back that she's like, keep the money. She lets you keep it. She says donate it, but you don't. And you can rate them. It's like Uber. You give stars. If she doesn't care about the kid that much, she can't really move the car. Rate. Rate. Rate. We are live. Jesus Christ. And you can rate them it's like over you give stars if she doesn't care about the kid that much I really move the car right There is gonna be some moms are like I told you not to play in the fucking

She's not gonna care you do run the also you run the risk of mom being like I don't even like that one Yeah, yeah, that's six of them. That's the worst one. I feel like mama Irene would like no he'd made his bed Love to see I don't even know what your mom looks like, but I'm picturing you with a little bit longer hair lifting a beetle off of you and you're just drunk

underneath of it. It's not even stuck on you. There's more GoFundMe money behind my death behind then fucking my mom picking the car up. Yeah. You think she's putting down

on the GoFundMe death pool? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I had January. My oldest son died. Yeah. Yeah. You think she's putting down on the GoFundMe death pool for you? Yeah. She's like, I had January. My oldest son died. Yeah. Do you guys have a family death pool? Is that fucked up?

Is that morbid? No, I thought I was going to be the next one to go this morning at 3 a.m. when I cracked my skull open. Unbelievable, dude. I thought I was next on the death pool. I still don't understand why at 3 o'clock in the morning you were in your living room. Listen, sometimes at the ripe age of 37, you have asthma attacks in the middle of the night because you have cats, and you refuse to get rid of them, and they sleep on your bed all day.

And then you sleep in that bed at night, and you wake up, and your wife goes, you should probably go use your inhaler, to which I said, and I went downstairs. I used the inhaler, and sometimes, I don't know, are you guys asthmatic? You and the gang? I used to be. You got over it? Did you just decide you're no longer asthmatic?

I'm not asthmatic anymore. I didn't know it existed anymore. I did the same thing with sleep apnea. I'm like, no, I don't know. I thought asthma was like a 90s thing. Yeah, well, I didn't get it until I was 30, so I'm really late to the game. I like how you just looked in the mirror one day, and you were like, stop. And then your body just breathed good. It just transported to me.

So yeah, I'm down there. It's like, it follows. It's the smile movie. It swallows. It can't breathe. As we're scared to get caught by Rick. True, yeah. So when you use a daily inhaler, if you have ever partaken.

Are you a daily one sometimes I'm supposed to be and I don't use it. So that's probably why I can't breathe good. There's other reasons. But you also like sometimes you get lightheaded when you use it. So they say like, if you do this, like do it sitting down or holding on to something. It's 3 a.m. I'm like, I just want to.

You just like fucking do this. I hit the inhaler as I got. I literally thought to myself, oh, I can breathe. And then I was just going backwards. I'm assuming you felt like someone got shot. Like they just dropped. I don't even know. I want to see footage of this.

Because I said to Matt, I was like, in my mind and like in, I don't know what happened in reality. It literally like happened like that. I hit the door to my basement in my kitchen. And then like jumped up. And I was like, oh, my God. My wife came running down. She's like, what the hell? What happened?

And I'm like, I immediately went back here and put my finger into the cut. And I was like, yeah, I have to go to the hospital. She was like, I don't think you have to go to the hospital. I parted my hair. And she was like, you should probably go to the hospital. I was grabbing my keys. And she's like, you're just going to drive yourself? I was like, are you going to go wake up a three-year-old explain to her

why daddy's bleeding over the kitchen you're talking to him like the kid from out in the middle you fainted like a Victorian woman so I grabbed I yeah I still don't know what I hit I think I hit the door but yeah I drove to I drove through Camden we just holding the paper towel in my head, ran like three red lights. I ran three red lights because years ago, so I used to work at Cooper Hospital, and I would have to get out late night, and I got pulled over one time. And a cop pulled me over, and he goes, what are you doing here in Camden at two in the morning? And I had scrubs on, and he's like, dude, just go. And I was like, all right.

So I thought that. And I just ran three red lights going into Camden. I got there. And they were just excited. Hang your stethoscope from the rear view mirror. Oh, yeah. They were just excited that I wasn't a gunshot victim or a stab wound. They're like, oh, normal injuries.

You're like asthmatic. Oh, thank God. Pussy. It's like this coward in. He's crying, too. There was a gangland shooting on Federal Street, so we're going to take care of those guys. We're going to get to your little boo-boo in your head soon. You know what really got me was the guy that came over.

They sent over the nurse that his only job is to wash out cuts. That's his nurse level. And he walked over and he goes, okay, where's your boo-boo? And I just wanted to swing on him so bad. I was pretty woozy. And then he picked out three different band-aids for you yeah i'll take the cars one was that lightning mcqueen so yeah so they uh they came over they were like all right here's your options

i will say this this is incredible she goes uh i was like oh you know how bad is it she goes it probably would be a lot worse if you didn't have long hair. And I was like, so you're saying medically I should have long hair from now on? She was like, not at all. I'm not at all saying that. You should never have long hair. But in this scenario, it saved you from having a deeper cut. It sounds like I would have died.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Especially if you hit the bald spot. Keep the lid on, dude. Keep the hands on dude just when they thought they liked you because you were in a gunshot wound you say something like that and they're just like yeah i'm running bits it was terrible if i was your nurse i would have just started shitting in front of you just staring you in the eyes i was hanging up flyers to uh shock drop show on saturday if you're watching this live come on out saturday collingswood shock Shock drop comedy. It's sold out. So bring cash.

Okay. Be nice at the door. But anyway, she was like, I can, uh, I could actually use some of your hair and tie it together and close the wound. And I was like, oh, that doesn't feel professional. Yeah. That sounds like you're, you're just trying to practice braiding hair at this point. She's like a Skyrim nurse.

Like a fucking. Do you not have health insurance? Like instead of like. She's like a medical. Like bitch Do you not have health insurance? They were like, what kind of medical? Like, bitch, I have Blue Cross Blue Shield. Give me some fucking stitches. She's a dragon. She's tall still and won't you braid my hair, by all means. And Brindo, she was trying to braid my hair and trying to tie it off.

And she goes, your hair just will not knot. And I'm like, that's how white I am. I'm incapable of getting nappy hair. He was double dutching while she was doing this. So yeah, so they slapped some glue into my skull

and just sent me home. Flowing hair. Brother, don't I know it. You're welcome. You're welcome to be in the presence. Josh, you got a nice hairline though.

You could get some fucking flow going. Oh, I got it. Did you ever see a picture of me during COVID? Uh-uh. I had an afro. Me and LaMere, we did a backyard show at cody wright's house yeah and three months after the pandemic

my hair grows like a fucking weed the biggest super spreader event in all of south jersey everyone got covid at that party they're churning a culture and just making more when i tell you everybody in his fucking housing development came with a camping chair and a cooler of beer But I walked around and people would touch my hair It was yeah I kind of remember this We did me and LeMire did like a blind test to see which one of us was the black guy Yeah, and it was harder to tell than you thought it should have been

I'll show you a picture or I'll fucking have been. Josh is trying to throw people off. After this, I'll show you a picture. Or I'll fucking give you one. You're trying to throw people off. They touch your hair. You're like, god damn. It's also the wrong part of the body to touch if you got a blind test on who's a black guy. Well, no, because there's no kid.

Nobody would have assumed I was a black man if there was other touching tests. That's the only time people don't assume you're a black man. Yeah. Just my soul and my hair. Everything else is... And your name. You have a quarterback name. Josh Ryan. That is a quarterback name. He's named Josh Ryan. Matt Ryan. God damn it.

He's such a baby girl. Can you look up? I bet you at some point in history there was a quarterback somewhere named Josh Ryan. I'm related to Matt Ryan. He grew up in the Philly area. Yeah, yeah. I'm not. He's like my ninth cousin twice removed No you have an uncle that's just lied to you I'm not related to him Through a Ryan

Are you related to Nolan Ryan as well? Fuck off Matt's related to all the people It would be great if Matt Ryan was a black quarterback And I was like me and Matt Ryan are related Is there a Josh Ryan ryan quarterback look at that he's like a local he plays for fucking twu men's varsity football i think we're flirting with a crime watching this kid's highlights i'm pretty sure when whenever it says university in there you don't have to also say varsity right no uh yeah that's a good point it's like yeah i'm university jv i will i will he

might have me on the 40-yard dash but i have him on everything else what do you say dude the bench of squires clean wait does he have his stats okay yeah every time i watch football or wrestling or something i see someone's like stats and I'm like I'm bigger than that guy I didn't realize it said class of 2022 I thought that was like his Compined squat bench Deadlift, holy shit This is where we just watched

D3 Nobody say it I'm actually related to A baseball player Tom Pecork And and he has the only perfect batting average of all time. He has a one. How? Just he had one at bat.

Nice. One for one? That's sick. That fucking rules, dude. Professionally? Yeah. That's pretty amazing. Yeah, hit one time, and that was it.

He dropped a the bat walked away walked to his car drove away it's uh p-a-c-i-o-r-e-k that fucking rules dude yeah p-a-c no i get it it's normal i-o-i-o-r he wrote tom big rick there you go Tom Pecork Yeah he Oh Tommy P Look at that guy Yeah dude Wow I was about to shit on him

That just kind of looks like me He played in He played in Japan It's hard to find A whiter guy than you Yeah he is I have cousins dude That's top notch

I got cousins Check his stats out His stats are pretty Actually he looks like My white cousins I just went skiing with Two days ago Which is the whitest sentence You're going to hear all day.

How'd you even do that? That was crazy. I want to say he's like a commentator for the Chicago White Sox or something, though. He's too nice. That's awesome. Something like that. Why did he only play one game? Did he have injury?

That I don't know. I have no idea. I'm seeing a career-building average of 282 here, Rick. I'm calling bullshit on your Uncle Tommy. No, it might have been. Maybe it was like a team. It might have been like one of the teams he played for. But yeah,

he's in like the top stats of like batting average. And you are related to him. Yeah, through my last name, yeah. It's a weird story. It's a weird story. It's a weird story. What I'm trying to say is I'm not related to Matt Ryan through the Ryan name.

It was so... Fucker. I don't know how much time we have here. We don't have time, buddy. Not enough, dude. We just watched Division III football for an hour and a half. What are you worried about, boring us? I guess there's just two blacked out guys who'd be like, I got a last name like other people do.

Just lying about relatives. You're claiming people with the first name Ryan. Ryan Howard, actually a good cousin of mine. Not how names work, Josh. How do you spell that last name? P-O-C. Somebody asked me before this, are you related to Ryan? I forget who.

And I was like, yeah, like they thought. Oh, I thought that was your first name. I was like, do you think people would remember first names? Ryan Joshua sounds pretty sick. You would be like a cute TikToker. That's real Japanese, dude. They're right into it. Ryan Joshua.

Ryan Joshua. Son. Ended with son. Yeah, son. Ryan Joshua sounds like you're a religious TikToker. I would do that. Like you're doing pranks at Walmart, but then you're also like in the name of the Lord. Yeah.

This dude, I love this. There's this kid on TikTok that I keep watching where he goes into Walmarts and he'll go up to like, it's not funny, but he goes to older women and he'll give them like an iPhone and he'll be like, this is like a free thing that we're giving out. And it's just an iPhone that he took

from Walmart. And then you just watch her walk out and then the alarms go off and they're like, ma'am, you're stealing. My favorites are the one they'll like, ma'am, you're stealing. My favorites are the ones that slip random shit in their pockets. The one was like, he slipped a hot dog in the guy's pocket and then tried to interview the guy and was like, yeah, let me see your

take your phone name. He pulled out a fucking raw hot dog out of his pocket. He put it right back in his pocket. It's not weird to that guy. I mean, yeah, I ripped a pocket dog every now and then. And the guy was like, is that a hot dog? Yeah, I don't know where it came from. You can't have dog pox?

I can't stand the I gotcha TikTok people. Yeah. One of them has to get shot, right? There needs to be one that has gotten shot, and it's the only video of those kind of videos that I've liked. It's fucking with the guy. Fucking with the guy. It's like, hey, man, I don't want, I don't want.

Keeps bothering him, and the guy pulls out a gun, shoots him in the abdomen, and he drops. Oh, yeah, he dies, right? And I love I don't want, I don't want. Keeps bothering him. And the guy pulls out a gun, shoots him in the abdomen. He drops. Oh, yeah. He dies, right? And I love that video. Yeah. That's classic internet. That was in like a mall or something, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed that quite a bit. Yeah. It's like in these little punks, like they'll put a bucket over somebody's head and then change their jacket. Every once in a while, one will come up and the kid just gets cold cocked. Like this 19-year-old kid.

Do you hate watching them because you feel like you're a target for those? I don't want to. Like, I'm a big believer in you shouldn't be fucked with... If you set yourself up to be fucked with, that's your problem. If you're a heckler at a show or something... If you set yourself up to get pranked.

If you sign up to be on the Jersey Shore and they film you drunk and stupid, you've kind of signed up for that. The greatest prank of all time. If I'm at fucking Target. Yeah. But if I'm at Target. True.

And especially because when you're at a Target, like, you're never in your. That's always my worry. I'm in sweatpants. You're getting good footage of me picking my nose in three different aisles. I'm wiping them on Cheez-Its, and it's going to be a problem. Yeah. Like, there's an inherent understanding if you go to a comedy club, you're going to get fucked around with, potentially. Or if you go... But if you're going to Target, just some young punk to get fucked...

Who's going to have more views and followers on TikTok than I ever will. Despite me being a student of my craft. He's a student of his. You think that kid's not going to TikTok prank open mics and running bits? He's going in there, he's like, alright, and guys, and then after that

I'm going to throw a trash can on his head. And they're like, what if the trash can was full of hot dogs? Like, could they workshop it? There are the pranks. I've seen pranks where this one kid, I think he got charges pressed against him. He just went up to an older guy at a park and just smacked the shit out of him from behind.

I saw a guy. It's crazy. Did you repost one? Somebody posted one of a guy that was just going around giving people stone cold stunners in public. And one of the guys was blind. He just went up to a guy with a cane and hit him with a stunner at an intersection. And the guy just crumbled. Yeah, but I think the blind are getting coddled. You think they got a little too easy in this world?

We should be hitting more blind people. That should be the test if you're blind. If you get hit with a stone cold stunner and you don't flinch... That's like burning a witch alive. And if she doesn't die, she's a witch. The new witch trials need to be for the blind.

RKO on everybody. Out of nowhere. The psalm witch trials. How about that killer internet prank that guy just pulled where he uh set himself on fire in front of an embassy two days ago that was not that happened a few years ago two days ago uh u.s air active u.s air force guy uh just walking up and he's like calmly videoing himself and he's like i you know i just can't stand by while my country does this anymore sets himself

on fire but right before he does it, you hear the security guard go, hey man, hey, you good? You need any help? And he's just like, Frank Palestine! Starts screaming it. Then the first thing the cop that comes on the scene does, while the guy is laying there ablaze, is points his gun at him and says, stay on the ground while the guy's just on fire.

There's already hilarious art that people have drawn of a cop fumbling his gun, pointing it at a guy on fire Yeah, he might have done something Care about anything enough to set myself ablaze. No, I don't there's no Hmm. I have points of views and beliefs and none of them That's smoky then you can prevent forest fires! Only you can prevent forest fires! Isn't that smoky? And then you start a forest fire.

My rotting 250 pounds of flesh. And that's how the Pine Barrens were no more. And that's the origin of the Great Jersey Fire of 24. A true slash and burn. I found out I might be too big to be cremated when I die because I might start a grease fire.

No fucking way, dude. It's not that you're too big. be cremated when I die because I might start a grease fire. No fucking way, dude. It'll take you a piece of... It's not that you're too big. It's that your body mass index is all fucked up. Yeah, dude. They're going to be fucking stuffing me in that motherfucker grease, baby. Who told you? Who told you that?

I read it online. I don't know if it's true or not. Just like a waiter, and he's like, so we're going to bring this bread. His Uncle Tom told him. My Uncle Tom. I'll be back with the bread. You could never be cremated. Start a grease fire.

Hey, Rick, two things you got to know. I never struck out, and I'm not going to fit you in one of those fucking outfits. Jesus. Did they just tell you to dine at a grease farm? I was like, I don't know. I said he's bringing bread. I heard. Please give me my two slices, Dom.

That's crazy, dude. Leave me the fuck alone. Thank you. Wait, for real. Who told you that? I read it online. Okay, true, true, true. There's like a lot of things that I can't do.

I can't go paragliding too big. I can't jump out of a plane or nothing. I think it was like 250. You should get down to like 251 and then show up in a trash bag suit and just start doing push-ups. Get the scale, guys. Senior year of varsity wrestling. How do you see weigh-in? Jokes on them.

At the top of the paraglider thing, you're just eating. They're like, wait, what? When did he get that sandwich? Shows up to be waiting to speed out. That's one. Every couple years, one of those just cuts loose from the boat and people just sail off into the sky in the Caribbean.

Is that the paraglider is the one where you're from the back of the boat? Yeah. Every once in a while. I want to jump out of a plane or something. I'm too big for that, too. Would you want to, though? I think I would. Would you really?

I don't think I could do it. That's another. Somebody just, a guy splatted last year down in South Jersey. I know. My buddy lives right near there, and he sees all the parachuters every once in a while, and he said that people looked over in his neighborhood and were like, well, that guy, and then just was gone. No shoot the tree line i was flat i was totally bounced when they hit the ground probably a little bit of bounce website you found out you can't

that's a reddit rick just say reddit just getting high as shit and be like i didn't get cremated i just think we've all been there before oh my god i don't I even get cremated? I was just like, we've all been there before. Oh, my God. I don't know if I get cremated. Am I cremated right now? That's why our last podcast, I didn't realize that when you get buried, the coffin stays in the ground. Did you guys know this? What do you think?

Do you think it's a lease? Everybody's giving me shit about this, dude. I didn't know. Don't they rent them? Don't they rent them? Wait, we do have to cut a reel of that, by the way. That is exactly what I said. Rick says, don't they rent them?

I thought they rented the- So you rent them for the service, but they put you in something. That's true. You're not in the casket. Sometimes. You can rent one. We rented one for my dad because we were cremating him. So you rent it for the afternoon.

And then even on that, they try to sell you on, well, you can rent the $10,000 one. You're like, whatever the cheapest is, dude, and just surround it in flowers. I don't give a shit. But yeah, you can rent one. That,000 one you like whatever the cheapest is do and just surround it in flowers I don't give a shit. Yeah, but yeah, you can rent one. You know casket had some bodies on it in it Two guys use this before it's like a car fax of it We are two minds alike this is a shit is fucked on this thing. I'm so happy to hear you say that, dude. I was sitting here like a friggin' fool the whole time. High mileage caskets, dude. High mileage casket is a great used car commercial sketch.

What can I do to get you in this nice 1997? Just blistered wood on the corners and shit. You'll see here there's a lot of widow tears have worn away the wood on the side. It's just a hit band, just like violently killing people. What do I have to do? Looks like an old bar ledge. It's just like paint fucking missing. Yeah, it's so many elbows.

They have an elbow sit on it. I think you should be able to get buried standing up. And they just lower you in like when they lowered Han Solo into the Carbonite in Star Wars. They just slowly lower you while Ave Maria is playing. And all of my aunts and uncles are game. They just slowly lower you by, well, Ave Maria is playing, and all of my aunts and uncles are crying. You'll fill mine with concrete. Dude, I want to be shot out of a t-shirt cannon at a Sixers game.

I'm dead, dude. Launch me into the upper echelon. Or even just like the human cannonball cannon. They're like, all right, ladies and gentlemen, and it's a switcheroo. A guy goes in, and he comes out of a trap door, and then out goes your body. That's what I want.

I want to get launched into a rich guy and fucking courtside. With a little ball to your hand so you still hit one last dunk. Just my pale, soft penis touching a grown man courtside. I want an old school Rasputin funeral in the woods. I don't want my ligaments cut. I want to literally sit up while I'm burning.

You really do love metal because you know what Rasputin's funeral looked like. I haven't tattooed on my body. That sounds like a Swedish metal band. I'm actually going know what Rasputin's funeral looked like. I haven't tattooed on my body, dude. That sounds like a Swedish metal band. I'm actually going to see Rasputin's funeral with Cannibal Corpse next week. Wait, you have a Rasputin tattoo on your arm? Yeah, dude. Did he predict it?

Let's get eyes on this. That's that one, right? That's Noshadavis. Aw, damn it. Wasn't Rasputin all about predicting stuff, too? Bro, that's Jesus. That's Charles Manson. That's Rasputin, dude. That's Charles one, right? That's Nostradamus. Aw, damn it. Wasn't Rasputin all about predicting stuff, too? Bro, that's Jesus. That's Charles Manson. That's Rasputin, dude.

That's Charles Manson. I'm assuming everyone here knows about Rasputin. His second album was good, but like... I don't know. I think he lost it, actually. So he was like a Russian monk, and he pretty much... So back in the fucking early 1900s, this was back when they were like the king would still go

first on a horse in war. Right? Oh yeah. So the king left and he pretty much cured the king's son of like polio or some shit. So they're like you're moving the fuck in dude. You're moving in the castle. You think it was just

like a stroke of luck? Yes. The polio just went away, and he was like, great timing. He's my favorite narcissist. That's what I tell him. Yeah, dude. Ricky, I thought I was your favorite narcissist. Number two.

Well, he didn't show you his other forearm, where he has Joshua Ryan on there. Guess who's not getting in my car on the ride home? And you have a tattoo of my face. The other tattoo is just a random dude And he's like I'm actually related to this guy Also do you guys Do you know Rasputin had a 344 batting average career

I was hammered one time We were talking about Fidel Castro And I told Aren't white guy hammered conversations the best Do you know his shit face one time And we were talking about I told two Damn, aren't white guy hammer conversations the best? Do you know a shit face one time, and we were talking about J. Blair. I told two drunk white guys, they were about my age at the airport.

Fidel Castro was a very accomplished minor league baseball player, and they went, for real? And I went, yeah. Made it up. I have no... That's not true. That's 100% not true. His son, Justin Trudeau, plays in the minors. So he's a kingly.

We have a kingly. So he cured the son of everything. And then they moved him in. And then the king went out to war. The queen was in charge. The queen had no idea what the fuck she was doing. I mean, isn't that how it works? And Rasputin was like, don't worry, I got it from here. Let's go.

Was fucking the queen the whole time. Going down on her in the 1600s. He took down the whole Russian monarchy by himself. That's fucking sick. By himself. Wasn't it like they tried to kill him three different times? That's fucking sick. By himself.

And wasn't it like they tried to kill him like three different times, right? Yeah, so they tried to poison him with some type of breads and tea and whatnot. Didn't kill him. So they didn't understand poisons at all. Yeah, they come back up. Let's give him a bunch of bread and tea and see if that takes him. Maybe he's got a gluten allergy. They'd pull his throat and the bread would soak it up. And it was like cyanide or something.

But it was back then cyanide, so it was just pretty much Tylenol. Yeah. Didn't kill him. They ran back upstairs. They're like, the guy's not dead. So somebody was like, fuck this. They went down with a gun, shot him. He hit the ground.

They're like, we killed him. He's dead. They go back down there. He's not on the ground. He's behind the door. He pushes the guy, runs up the steps, runs out the castle. So he's a little trickster, too. They shoot him in his back. They roll him up in a

carpet and throw him off a bridge in St. Petersburg. And then they said when they found his body, it looked like he was trying to get out of the carpet. Yeah. So he might still be alive today. We're not sure. That's what the Jason Bourne franchise is based on.

You know, monks in training that found his body. They took him out in the woods. They burned him. But back, they didn't know anything about fucking cremation or anything. So you're supposed to cut all the ligaments, you know, your elbows, your knees, everything. Because when you burn a body, everything curls. Oh, okay. So they didn't cut anything it was

burned his fucking body so they said when he when they when they were getting rid of his body he actually sat up and turned his head at everybody oh everything just uh yeah yeah holy shit that's so sick yeah i'm all in on that who's the actress that did that as they were putting her in the ambulance a couple years ago she drove her car into a house and, like, caught fire. And, Jay, can you look this up? Just look up actress sits up in ambulance. Yeah, that'll do it. I couldn't think of the word ambulance.

Please get my uncle off the – So whoever – I forget who it is. You've got to get him out of here. She crashed her car. Here it is. Anne Heche. Anne Heche crashed her car into a house. And as they're putting her into the ambulance, her body bag sits up just like out of nowhere i like to think it was she

wanted to get one last here it is look there she just sat up that was so quick i think it's also just the angle that have you guys ever seen this no she i think she was just like flex i've ever seen in my life by the way that's how my girlfriend fucking drives everywhere, dude. It's terrifying. When you have a real Anne Heche on your hands. You do look like a... Was Anne Heche the one that was with Ellen? Oh, that's Portia de Rossi. Yeah, that's Portia. You are gay, dude.

How do you know all this stuff? That's a gay sentence. That's nuts. You don't know the most famous lesbians of all time? Wasn't Anne Heche Donna de Rossi or Ellen? You don't know this and then know you're lesbians. That's nuts. Matt, you're talking to the ice dyke over here. This was incredible.

Last show of a hosting for the whole weekend, I decided to try a new joke at Helium this past Saturday. And the one tag involved the line ice dyke and it just did not go over well, but I just heard Matt and Zach Com comer in the back just cackling i was like that's that's who it was for there at that point yeah yeah they pulled her

out and then right she's going into the ambulance i think it's just like the the paramedics were really shitty and they bumped the stretcher and it made her sit up but yeah it was uh with all this i don't you... You don't have Reddit? I do, but... You don't watch Fox News, dude? Yeah. Not yet. Give me a couple years. Yeah, we're talking.

This was before Fox News was just all politics. I think it was two years ago. Three years ago? That was... It was all politics. She was an actress. Fox News has been all politics since 1994. What are you talking about?

I don't know, man. I don't know things. I know about... I know about Anne Heche's death. That's it. This is how behind the times I am. I just watched... So she just voted for Trump. Yeah, that's one of the ways. She is 100% dead. She don't know things. I know about Anne Heche's death. This is how behind the times I am. I just watched. So she just voted for Trump.

Yeah, that's one of the ways. She is 100% dead. She's 100% dead. She's dead. Okay. IP to the girl. 99% sure. That was just like shock.

All right, ready here? It's coming up. She's dead. She was sick. I think she was dead. Yeah, she's all wrapped up. Yeah, dude, you can't be that alive like that. They don't put a sheet over your face when you're alive.

They just fucking pull her back down and put her back in. She's even strapped down there, so I don't know how she did sit up. This is, we ate to the bottom of this. The irony, she's actually too tiny to cremate. Yeah, this is like, remember when they thought. Yeah, she's like three Ricks. Remember when they thought Michael Jackson wasn't dead, and they're like, no, that was somebody else's body they were pulling out of the house.

Oh, yeah. The MJ stuff's not, do you guys see what's going on with P. Diddy? What the fuck? Oh, hold on now. Yeah, so she sat up. I think that was like her last... I think she died right after that. Holy shit, dude.

Yeah, see? You're not going to sleep right tonight. You guys are going to wake up with asthma attacks now. Wow. Rick, you're sleeping over, buddy. That's crazy, dude. Scary. I think that's just bad paramedics.

They were like, yeah, just call her dad. That guy is a gangster. That firefighter, he's like... Get like, yeah, just call her dad. That guy is a gangster. That's when you put one between the fucking head. Oh my God, with these actresses. I don't know. Who's your favorite other than Rasputin Death? Dude, it's fucking every single actor that was in Planet of the Apes. I watched that entire trilogy this weekend.

Have you guys seen the Planet of the Apes movies? One of my favorite movie franchises of all time. Dude, what's nice. It's so good. Nah, not that old. Not the shitty one? Mark Wahlberg one. That's not the old ones.

No, the old ones from like the 60s. Well, yeah, of course. My grandfather liked that movie, and I feel like I've watched it. They're not that great either. Those felt subtly racist the whole time. I couldn't get past. Subtly racist?

Okay. You knew what they were doing. Yeah, but I was picking up what they were putting out. But the new ones, dude, I'm watching that, and I'm like, yo, are these apes hot? Yeah, dude. Caesar's jacked and diligent. I was like, God. Is there any cute lady apes?

No. Just like BBL lady apes? Well, I don't think he was getting into the male apes. He just said Caesar. Caesar, dude. He's the main guy, bro. And you have a crush on him. He just led for his people, dude. Yeah, Caesar's one of my favorite movie characters of all time. Yeah, you have a crush on matches. He was just let he led for his people, dude

Yeah, Caesar Caesar's one of my favorite like movie characters of all time. Yeah, he was too nice Like when he talks when he talked and move it. He's like no I felt something move dude. I was like, yeah, I got chills in my back like hell. I felt like John dude. I was like hello One guys into gay ladies one guy's into fucking gorillas. Come on, dude. Have fun, dude. I'm the first guy that's into gay ladies. Let your hair down, dude.

Josh, let me introduce you to a little corner of the internet called lesbian porn. Can I ask you a serious question? No. So I'm a subscriber of the Pornhubs. That's where I get my stuff. No. But you have a username? No. You log in every day? He comments. He had to jerk off not to converse with other fucking pervs. What is my password? Name of actress, name of actress, name of actress. So. And he's dead but not totally dead. Because I don't pay for premium. They put ads like a youtube or whatever yeah uh i don't know what i clicked on

inadvertently before it'd be a lot of like tranny definitely titties nice pretty and then a dick and like hey you're like oh man five four three two one click and now it's just straight up dudes it was like experiment your wild side And it's guys hotter than Matt. Just like. No, no. You've reached. What did I do? You beat the lady level of porn.

Yeah, dude. You know. You beat the final boss. You took down the passer of lady porn. And now you have to move on to the next level. You're in the dungeon now. Do I have to do. Do I have to watch gay porn now?

If you want to continue the journey, yes. For sure. I just want to go back. The website goes by cookies. And it like remembers. Yeah. That's what I continue the journey, yes. I just want to go back. If I'm not mistaken, the website goes by cookies and remembers. Yeah, that's what I thought too. That's what I thought too. When you get on there, it's cupcakes. Look, when I'm drunk, I get into some

weird stuff. I haven't gotten into gay stuff yet. I haven't followed the story. You were hammered and you watched gay porn. Is that? No. No, I did not. I'm saying the ads before i watch regular oh okay what you're saying is you accidentally came to an ad you actually came to an ad of dudes i was not turned on i'm not upset okay i just want to know the rationale behind it i think it's i really

think it's they're just looking at your algorithm they They're like, he's watched all of it. I mean, we got to give him something new. Or they're just looking at the other stuff you look at. I haven't even gotten as vanilla as Thai Lady Boys. Why are they setting? It's just men now. You know how they say that Instagram can track your eye and it sees where you stay on something long enough.

Have you ever heard that? Yes. So they're doing that. And you're just watching a bunch of Eagles footage. And they're like, he's looking at a lot of butts in tight spandex. Let's just toss him one of those. Well, you know where a football player is moving based off of his hip movement, not his eyes, not his head, not his shoulders.

If you juke. Yeah, so you're focusing on a lot of hips. Follow the hips. Yeah, well, those hips followed you right to XNXX, buddy. And now I got a bunch. And those hips don't lie. More at 10. Anyway.

Okay, well. So just to be clear, you guys don't have gay promos. Not a single one ever, no matter whatever. I'm still rocking the same VHS I've had since eighth grade. I just keep rewinding. I usually get pretty upset. There's ads above the video sometimes, and it's usually just a dude whacking his wiener. I'm like, scroll up a little bit so you can avoid it.

They're always just, do you want to come on? You guys are leaving me on a fucking island right now. They were literally saying the same thing that happened to me. Josh, you're saying you're waiting for your video to load. No, no, you said it. And then you click skip ad. Yes. Okay, the issue is.

I'm talking about the banner ad. How is that different? Because that's. I can't skip it. Right. That's a fucking. You got to get a full screen to avoid. Why would they put that? Yeah, well it's different because that's right Yeah, why would they put that better on your only only I don't want to say only men watch porn But they know why we're here

Other men masturbate And you gotta lick your phone to skip men masturbate. All my ads are that same one. So when it gets a skip ad and you gotta lick your phone to skip the ad, why does it keep coming back to the... Does it know that I'm touching my balls when the ads plan on it? All my ads are that semen X thing, which it's like, do you want to cum a whole lot more? And I'm like, no, if I could, let's be married.

So by your logic, do you just, do you not cum a lot? No, I do. I made a tryout. I mean, I made a human. It's too much. I don't know. These advertisers know us better than we do, is what I think. I mean I made too much. I don't know Better than we do is what I think it's terrifying down these advertisers are like this guy just wants to kiss a nice little boy Better than my girlfriend. I've never questioned. I was gay or not or had gay feelings. Okay?

Wait for the boy No, and then I'm like I I had a serious conversation with myself. Okay. That's fine. You gotta check in with yourself every once in a while. I'm gay now. You gotta have a little state of the union with you every once in a while. That'd be sick, dude. And then I try to...

No, it's not. Your girlfriend would love it. True. If I was gay? Your girlfriend would love if you were gay. Dude, that's all girls want is a gay friend that they sometimes get to have sex with. When you've been together for more than a year, they're just like, I wish this guy would turn gay so I could sleep with somebody else.

Why do you think I grew my hair out and act real effeminate now? Because you are gay. Yeah, well, there's that. It's okay. I didn't love you any less. Nah, dude. The ads I get, I get ads for Tucker Carlson interviewing Putin, dude. I'm smart as hell. Matt's just jerking off to Fox News.

I jerk off to JP. I'm like, Matt's jerking off to Fox News. Dude, I jerk off to JP. I'm like, what? Matt's jerking off to pictures of the new Trump shoes that got sold out in like seven minutes. True. We can talk about those. You see those bad boys? The sweet golden high tops? Who's got a pair of those that we know? All the richest white men in America.

Yeah. Definitely. I just want to see a pair on the court. Oh, yeah. Who in the NBA is going to rock them? Yeah. They should be more politician shoes. Is there any MAGA guys in the NBA?

Kyrie Irving might rock a pair of Trumps. Oh, shit. And I'm a Mavs fan. Oh, true. No, I don't think Cuban would allow that. I never really thought about that. It's Kyrie, who's an anti-Semite, and fucking Luka Doncic, who's Slavic, who is an anti-Semite. They're like, that team's

got to be a weird hang. They're in Texas. Yeah, they're kind of made for that. The middle of Texas. Wow, that's hilarious. I hadn't thought about that. Oh, yeah. Wow, yeah.

No, I do like the idea of politicians having their own. Like, these are the Elizabeth Warren wants. These are the Hillary, the HC wants. The moccasins. You got the Pelosi sevens on right now. No, these are dumb bitch anyway. The H.C. Walsh. You got the Pelosi 7s on right now. No, these are dumb bitch anyway. These are Native American inspired.

Look at that. These are moccasins. Stolen. I don't think anything's ever inspired by the Native Americans. It's all stolen, brother. I was telling Josh on the way here that the other night when we were waiting for SNL, we were like dying to get the TV on as he was still on stage. Dude, it was a pretty surreal moment.

Rick and I got to watch Gillis' SNL monologue in the green room at Helium. And he looked at me and he was like, hey, we're the only two dudes doing this right now. And then an ad came on for gay porn and we took our shirts off and Josh popped up out of nowhere. You're going to tell me zero gay things happen in that green room where everybody's out at the bar? No, we just cried a little bit.

Happy tears. I ended that show so quick. I walked out. I was like, you guys are great. We've been back. Back. See ya. Like, it just ran off.

Oh, they were flickering the fuck out of that red light, dude. Yeah. Trying to get him off. Yeah, he ran. The headliner just kept running the light. He's like, I don't care. I'm not going to go watch a monologue. Yeah, you can't blame him.

But that was sick as hell, watching it there. So cool. The whole hang was incredible. When you're there at Helium watching Shane Gillis' SNL monologue, you've had 13 beers. Not a lot of things get beer. You're hanging with the comics. I got some FOMO if I'm not going.

I purposely drank Bud Light all night for the occasion. In honor, yeah. True. To say they're homosexual now. Rick's drinking Bud Lights. He's an Asian slur. Just trying to fit in. Rick will not stop ordering Bud

rights. It's right because it's made for Republicans. Conservatives, yes, of course. But of course, Bud Lefts. I read that needle, Montag. Fuck. Sometimes the synapses connect. Is that a word?

No, it's not. Fuck that one. Yeah, I have a concussion. It's bad. I brought sunglasses just in case his light was going to make me have a seizure. It's probably not a bad move. Well, I mean, if you do hit your head, this isn't real brick. True.

My door was a real door. That really fucked me up. Yeah, it's wild, dude. Yeah, I actually hate that way, way more, dude. You got to really dig through the hair. Come here. I want to go through this blood. This is good content.

Yeah, you have a dummy head now. You can put your hand inside your head and just make it talk. I don't want to. It's like you're moving around a bunch of baby doll hair, dude. Yeah, you're right. I have luscious locks, guys. I'm sorry. All right?

I'm doing this for all my bald friends. Every one of my bald friends makes fun of me. I was like, I'm doing this because you guys can't. It's the opposite of when everyone shaves their head for a guy with cancer. I'm growing it out for all my friends that can't grow hair. I went from having hair down to the middle of my back to shaving it completely bald. Yeah, you looked like Big Jay Oakerson. I saw that picture.

Dude, you were Big Jay Oakerson. I started thinning out up top here, and I remember I caught myself in the mirror kind of fixing my hair to not see fucking bald coming through. Oh, that moment, yeah. And I caught my eyes, and I'm like, what the fuck am I doing?

And I just shaved it all off. That same day? That moment. Nice. Good for you. That's good that you went hard commitment to that, because it's when people try to hold on to it And they're like it looks good. You're like just go

I mean now I have this weird like mean gene Oakland fucking hairline. It's just kind of wild I love when you people lose that and they grow this the fuck out nice Lucy Kay fucking yeah, but like Larry David style Then you got people like Stavros Halkias, like thought he was bald and then jokingly was like, I'm going to grow my hair out. And then turns out he's like, I have way more hair than I thought I did. I know. This is like a fucking front yard in Camden, dude.

It's just like a few stragglers. Oh, so I'm driving through and my head's bleeding? Okay, cool. Very patchy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's a There's a mini pool

In the front yard of your hair Yeah dude I am nervous And I'm worried about Mine starting to go I look at it every day Will you go supplements I'll go supplements right away

Yeah There's so many You gotta get ahead of it You gotta take them before I think I got time I think I'm okay No no but that's when It's when you say

I think I'm okay That's when you gotta start taking them Cause if I If I lost it Lost it And it was like beyond repair killing myself

Wear beanies all the time. I'm dry. I know for a fact if I if I lose my hair I'm driving into a middle school. Someone told me to get plugs I've seen some people with good crop good plugs. Well, they Make on steroids. I'm training fucking rocky road Like you did a Mick origin story, especially with that sweatshirt Yeah, dude, if Mick works worked at fucking the Abercrombie and if Mick was in the MCU it would be MC you're about to eat lightning and crap thunder. It's basically what it is. That was that's it. I did It's a cool look

I bought the beanie I said we're trying it out, and I knew as soon as I saw you guys Dumb idea you woke up, and you're like oh the warmest day of the winter. Let me throw on a beanie finally You wearing that is like me wearing a fedora. I don't know, man. I'm not saying don't do it. You wear a Jeff cap all the time. That's one step away from a fedora. No, it's not. Dude, it's a Jeff cap guy and fedora guy hang out very closely.

No way. I'm a Jeff cap guy. I'm a Patty cap guy. You crush it on St. Patty's Day, don't you? Yeah, that's your day. You prep. Do you get a new hat for every Damn, you crush it on St. Paddy's Day, don't you? Yeah, look at me. Yeah, that's your day. You prep. Do you get a new hat for every St. Paddy's Day? No.

I wear the hat that I purchased from Ireland and wear that one. Passed down. Passed down. Passed down. From generations. Oh, you have an official. From Matt Ryan's uncle. You have an official douchebag hat.

I do. Yo, anybody with that fucking haircut, are you for real? Luscious flowing locks? Hockey lesbian? Yeah. They were calling you Bradleyadley cooper hospital dude you stink out loud that was good matthew mcconaughey uh crushed the other day that's pretty good yeah the helium thing johnny boy had a great set man it was nice it was great

it was uh john heffron it was cool to to get to do my first weekend hosting for a dude that I've been watching since 1996. I used to watch his Comedy Central Presents with my dad. Saturday mornings would always be on. And I said that to him. And then he goes to me, yeah, what jokes were in that one? I was like, oh, man, I don't remember the material. You're going to put me on the spot.

I had to Google what year it was to not look like an asshole before I came in here. But other than that, yeah, it was really fun. That's actually interesting. Were you guys, you're both comics, were you guys like, did you follow it before you started stand-up, or was it kind of like I just want to do something that involves being funny? No, stand-up comedy. I've been in love with stand-up comedy since

I was a kid. My mom would play me George Carlin records. Oh, really? Yeah, Bill Cosby records Bill Cosby himself Whatever happened to him I gotta be honest Clean comic Yeah

He was not a big fan of George Who was my idol growing up George Carlin George Michael Because he was a little dirty Yeah Yeah George you gotta stop

Talking about the poop And the butts Meanwhile he's Balls deep In three passed out ladies Yeah Hell okay George was a monogamous He told an entire generation To pull up their pants And then he went Open the butts. Meanwhile, he's balls deep in three passed out ladies. Hell, okay. George was a monogamous.

He told an entire generation to pull up their pants, and then he went and pulled down people's pants. You know, he didn't. He pulled up dresses. Yeah. He was also not a big fan of Eddie Murphy, because he thought he was a bad person. He kind of roasted him on every fucking special he's ever had, too. Yeah, I could see why he wouldn't be a fan of that. Also, he was funnier than him.

That was my first thing with comedy was I accidentally watched Eddie Murphy's Raw on a Blockbuster tape that we bought. You thought it was a different kind of, you thought it was Monday Night Raw? No, I just thought it was a movie. I thought it was like a fucking weird cop movie like the rest of it. How far in were you like, does he ever just leave the stage and the movie progresses? I'm like, this is great. The red suit's kind of weird, but this is fucking great. Yeah.

Matt, when did you get into comedy? When you started doing comedy? I watched like a John Mulaney special one time and I was like, I could probably do that. I should do that. The psychotic bit, yeah. Was it New in Town? Yes. Yeah, I sat down I watched it with my sister

oh dude you can't watch stand up with women yeah you gotta watch it with big burly guys you gotta sit there in silence

and go that's good well you came up at a weird time like you growing up was a weird time for stand up for you like

cause you and I are the same age right late 30s I just turned 40 like we both grew up in that like when

and you're right how old are you 35 yeah so like Dane Cook when he blew up like that like when dane and you're right how old are you 35 yeah so like dane cook when he blew up like that was big for like every i was in college when that happened so it was like everybody i knew had that dvd had the cd like i died didn't i um but i'm saying like that like he blew up and it's like it may yeah it may come like that's where i listened to george carlin off napster was the first time i ever listened to George Carlin. And we were listening to the Get On The Plane one.

Dane Cook was the first comic I ever remember that sold albums like a musical artist. Well, yeah, he's one of those ones that everyone loves to shit on, but then they forget that they were obsessed with him when he was in. And he's still doing his thing. He's a funny motherfucker. I'm not the biggest Dane Cook fan in the world, but I don't have to be. Dane Cook, Pablo Francisco. It's a requirement to be on this.

Fluffy. Fluffy. Around that time. I think Dane Cook was pretty fluffy, right? Pablo Francisco was that. He did the movie around the same time. Yeah. Like mid-2000s.

He was like coked out of his fucking mind. He did the Innoverall. He was a special dude. Have you seen the, there's footage of him having like a mental breakdown on stage like recently, like in the last couple of years. Really? Yeah. And he keeps trying to get into doing impressions and everyone's like, just get off, man.

Get off the stage. Sweating his ass off. No, you got to get down. And they're like, just get off the stage. Yeah. Yeah. He has like, I think he falls at the end of it too. He takes a header.

What could you imagine someone falling? Blaming some gay asthma attack. That makes Albuterol. Dude, you got to start crowd surfing during your sets. Someone falling Blaming some gay asthma attack. Thanks. I'll beauter all Dude, you guys are crowd surfing during your sense if you get a nice like tag in the middle of the joke You know you just hit the pump and lean forward The spider-man he's a hero Crawl across the front row of helium. These are my chicken fingers now. He can walk on water.

Water. I had a dude sitting on his phone the entire set and his wife as well. Oh, yeah. You were there for that. And in a closing bit, I mentioned the Phillies. He's wearing a Sixers jersey and he goes, Phillies suck. I was like, you're an active Philadelphia fan. Like, relax.

And he goes, oh, yeah, and my fiance is black too. I was like, what're an active Philadelphia fan. Like, relax. And he goes, oh, yeah, and my fiance's black, too. I was like, what is happening right now? And I had no time to touch it. So all I could say was, I was like, oh, are you texting the Phillies how terrible I am? And that at least got a laugh and got me out of there. And I said this to the dude. I was like, what's wild is they pay extra for those tickets. Yeah.

Like, they're reserved seats. And he was on his phone for my set, the feature set, and three quarters John Heffron set. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, that they're reserved seats and he was on his phone for my set the feature set and three quarters John Heffron set Yeah, yeah, that's nuts. I want to know what he was. Do you think he was watching other comics? I think he had the back shack about George Carlin right now. They just care about the two-item minimum, dude That's all they yeah, just speaking of being a bouncer there. Do you any fucking insane shit? the only thing insane that really happened was When you kick me out I left on my own accord. That would be incredible. Fennell opened up for

Fennell opened up for Steve Rannazzisi and Fennell has this joke that has the word rape in it and it's like he's not saying that you know rape is great blah blah blah. He's like just saying like a rape culture that term is like you shouldn't

That shouldn't be a term rape culture Yeah, and and then Steven is easy went up and did maybe five minutes and a lady fucking storm the stage Pointing Adam and shit got on the stage Near yeah, she was like right in the front was she like I was there in 9-11 She was like I'm a rape victim. I've been raped, blah, blah, blah. And Steve Renzese, of course, he fucking had something to say. He was like, did that happen today?

Did you hear it today? Did it happen in the confines of this basement that we're in? Was it the feature? It's crazy. And then I'm in the hallway. Because I was there all day. I switched with Mike Young. And I was like, just let I was, I switched with Mike young and I was like, just let me fucking, this is the last show.

It's a 10 o'clock show. Just let me fucking hang out in the hallway. So we switched. And then you see them pop the doors open and everyone's like, where's Ricky? We need to find Ricky. I'm like, fuck dude.

So I run down there. Just like eight people trying to grab her. She's on the ground. And I tell everyone, I'm like, move. You part of the season. I tell everyone I'm like move And I yanked her up and threw her in a full Nelson and walked like her feet were fucking

Dangling off the ground and I kicked the door open and fucking I dropped her. I thought it was a dude It wasn't a dude. It was a chick. I just got told back back that kidney punch you gave her. And then we fucking jazzy jaffed her out the front door and shut the door, dude. Just locked her out. Were her friends still in the club? It was her and some older lady with a backpack that I bitched about when they came in. I was like, you have to check that backpack. She's like, oh, it's got my hard drive in it.

What the fuck? If there's one thing I need during comedy, it's my hard drives. I look and the lady was like, it's fine. She can take it. I'm like, all right, I did my part. Like, I don't know. I don't know what's on those hard drives now.

Yeah, right? But so that happened. She was sitting on the sidewalk. We're waiting for the cops and shit to come. As soon as the fire truck comes and the ambulance comes, she starts boohooing on the sidewalk and the manager's like, look, guys, she's crying. Look, everybody. Jesus. Why do they do that when

there's a call for anything? They send every possible rescue unit. They send the whole Paw Patrol when it's just a lady getting kicked out of a club. They're like, we need three fire trucks to fuck up traffic right now. Well, Del Carlo was telling everybody that I pulled her shirt up and her titties were out. I was like, don't fucking do that.

What the fuck are you doing, dude? Not again. I thought she was a guy. She's screaming, I was raped, and here's Ricky just batting around her titties. Yeah, I grew up and fucking threw her out, dude. I just did my job. You got to do what you got to do, dude. I don't know how you do it.

I'd be terrified. I'm trying to think. Rainey, it was like my first month working there. Rainey did his On Perks book release show and Foster was on stage and a bitch was in front. I was the only guard on that day.

It was like a Saturday morning, Sunday morning or something. And a lady had a seizure in the middle of the show. And we did, I didn't, thank God. She touched her she touched her titties too thank god one of the managers was like in watching the show with his girl and called called everybody and uh i didn't know how to stop foster from doing crowd work and he's like the fuck is somebody dying back there dude he kind of like i like the thing you still ragdoll that lady When something like that happens, I'm the last person in the world anybody needs around I'll literally look up and go we need

Foster said in the mic is like this kind of weird. I'm gonna leave As soon as they got her out they fucking like put her in the chair her arms crossed I got her out and the show continued Randy got him say she's like if and if someone else fucks up my show They just ran through the it was just crowd working this bitch that wasn't anymore. Yeah the entire show. That's incredible. That's terrifying That's that pretty easy job. Yeah. Yeah Nobody ever like you'll get anyone that'll challenge you. I did have one guy not that long ago I Tatted right the beginning of the show He started like fucking baseball game whistling and I tapped him on the shoulder and I went like this and

Told me cut it out and then I go back to the show and he taps me on the shoulder and he's like, do me a favor and never touch me again. Don't ever fucking touch me again. And I looked at him. I'm like, what are you doing right now? Like, what the fuck is going on? He's like, don't fucking touch me again. And I look at him like, you don't have to. I was kind of like stumbling

With the words like what are you doing dude? You understand? I win in this situation What do you do we don't get be so much Also, what are your ads like if somebody confronted me like that? I'd be like I'd grab by the neck and just pull back I don't know how you don't the man was five foot three He was a tiny man, it was more so like that's gotta be fun ragged on My god my favorite thing as a security guard is bending down to their level and going what do you think you're gonna do? Yeah What do you possibly think is gonna happen even if you do hit me? Yeah What's the outcome?

It's like the idea of you taking somebody outside swinging them in a circle throwing them on like the tallest building They're like your own or cousins would like do that they put their hand out you try to swing on him You couldn't get close. Yeah, Rick does that a lot my favorite big guy security guy thing to tell people is I fuck women bigger than you That's pretty good I said that in front of James Moss one day. He was like, Jesus Christ. Matt's going to start yelling that at his girlfriend. I'm going to start saying that at the urinal at work.

I can fuck way bigger women than you. And he's like, what did you just say to me? And then that's where you go to them. Why would you say that to me? Anyway, how about those reports are due? That's crazy, dude. Yeah, the confrontation of it. I'm such a pussy that I would just like any fight back.

I was a patio bouncer at a college bar. and my job was literally just, they said, they were like, if the guys are bigger than you, just radio to the real bouncers. And I was like, oh, the real bouncers? That hurts. Yeah. But then the first night a fight broke out, I was like, we need Jason to the point. We need Jason to the patio now. Did you guys?

When I first started there, I kept handcuffs in my back pocket, because I used to work at Pool After Dark at Harris and AC. Oh, did you really? Yeah. We handcuffed motherfuckers there every single night. Like full on handcuffs or zip tie? Full on handcuffs. You mean like the furry, fuzzy ones?

Full on handcuffs, yeah. We had two cops in the hallway and then there was like 25, 30 guards maybe. You're dealing with the worst people at that point, right? It was like 10 on 10, like two groups of Puerto Ricans in the middle of a DJ playing music and you got to handcuff all 20 guys. And not fall into a pool all at the same time. Yeah. You're playing the floor is lava at the fucking pool trying to throw people out.

It was intense. That's crazy. And we used to have to do like, we had to go through like a training course. Like our boss was like an old sheriff from South Jersey. I immediately pictured an old timey Western sheriff where he's like, round knees, pot. Yeah, he was a bad motherfucker, dude. And actually, what was my favorite story of him? Because he was a character.

He drowned a guy. No, we had, what was the guy from, what was the DJ from Jersey Shore? Pauly D? Pauly D was there. He drowned a guy. He was high off Tumbleweed. What was the DJ from Jersey Shore? Pauly D? Pauly D was there. He had a contract there. He had to perform at Harris 10 times a year. He had a million-dollar contract. Jesus Christ.

10 times a year, 100 grand every time he fucking played there. Yeah. So then one night, it was like a crazy storm. All the electricity in Atlantic City went out. He was on stage for maybe 10, 15 minutes. Got paid 100 grand. Damn, that's the... So all the lights went out.

Somebody ended up stealing one of our wands to wand people down. And my boss went back on the tapes because we had to scan everyone's IDs. So he went back, watched everyone's IDs get scanned. He found out their address, their phone number, everything. Called them and was like, you can either bring our wand back or we're gonna press charges and... Do you think they hit him with a Harry Potter spell?

Security nonius. Dude, they brought that shit back so quick. Yeah, of course. That was fucking nuts. That is the sexiest job, dude. I just can't stop thinking about getting handcuffed. My wand, I thought about the vibrator wand right away, dude. It's just torture them with pleasure, dude.

It's the one that's remote controlled. You're on your phone. Fifty shades of gray on the fucking guy. That's a good way to get a guy to stop stealing from you. Oh, you just start kissing him instead of throwing him out? Yeah. Do you ever think about that when you can't get a situation under control? We were fucking around one night at Sealy's, and you did a joke about having to get into a gang and beating up a bunch of people or something.

Yeah. Where if you're a woman, you can get fucked into a gang. Yeah, yeah. And the first thing I said, I was like, I don't know if I'd rather be fucked by Rick or fight Rick. Yeah. I'm losing either way. I just looked around and was like, I'm just glad we're friends is what I'm saying. It's good to be friends with Rick, dude. I swear I'm a either way I just look around and I'm like I'm just glad we're friends is what I'm saying it's good to be friends is what I'm saying

yeah I swear I'm a nice guy I get I get paid to be as big as I am which is kind of cool yeah that's pretty cool like your interview

you just walk in and they're like yup I already dressed in black yeah dude yeah this is the first time I've seen you not in black I think

I was gonna wear all black and honor to you tonight Matt seen me the other day. He's like, what are you working? Are you hanging out? What are you doing? I was like, not always working. Rick's a member of the Night's Watch.

You're just bouncing people at like Wawa. You're like, well, this line's simply too long. Even at the Micah at Helium, like, I'm not clocked in, but I'm still like, I don't want to say babysitting, but like if some shit was to pop off, I would definitely jump would definitely do so you can technically be on stage and someone's heckling you and you could just walk off and like well You have to get the fuck out That you beat every heckler with that Like in the stand walk all the way out of there walk back into it go to the person who heckled you and be like You're interrupting the performance

To finish the joke and you're like and then we all interrupting the performer. And then you have to go back up to the stage to finish the joke, and you're like, and then we all ate the sandwich. Anyway, I'm Rick. Good night, guys. I got heckled one time, and I turned it into a joke, pretty much. Again, I'm sorry for that. Every time I get heckled now, I say the same shit.

Josh is going, I need a ride. Especially when it's not like blinding lights like helium. If you can see the person heckling you, I just rip through them. You know, I can perform any wrestling special move on you, and there's nothing anyone here can do about it. All right. Nobody.

No rules. You're bouncing a guy out. What wrestling move are you going with? Oh, man. You going to F5 him through the door? No, probably the fucking. Macho man. Top turn buckle.

No, the fucking chicken wing. I want to fucking Stretch him out dude Bob Backlund cross face chicken wing Yeah the Bob Backlund chicken wing Yeah that's a good one I think you gotta go Razor Ramon Where he would put people

On his back And like almost crucify him And then would just Huck him over his head That'd be a good one To throw somebody out like We were outside smoking One night

And it was me Naeem And Drew Montana And I was looking You know that big metal Great outside Outside the door I was like Could you imagine me having to throw someone out and fucking

Like dunk someone right here on this metal grate and I was like no I don't want to think Drew said it would drop out and I'd have to jump down like Tekken and fucking like finish That's Super Mario, dude you just come back up bigger on the next hole up. They go through it and fucking hit the ground and bounce. Yeah, is that how you got so big you ate a bunch of mushrooms? Bowser, motherfucker. Yeah. That's my dream thing to do there, is to monkey dunk somebody on that metal grate. Monkey dunk? Monkey dunk sounds like what my uncles would say when they're watching the NBA.

Jesus Christ. Monkey dunk sounds like what my uncle would say when they're watching the NBA. Jesus Christ. You've never heard that term, monkey dunk? No. Dude, I'm not allowed to hear stuff like that. Oh, my God. That's curse words. It's not racially motivated.

It's not, but God damn it, it's close enough, dude. Yeah, that's terrifying. I can't hear any of that. It's crazy. It's basically like a power bomb. I was just trying to enjoy Planet of the Apes And you're bringing all these terms into it For Christ's sake, dude What the hell? I mean, if they keep making them

Eventually we're gonna have a like Mike Planet of the Apes And that's a real monkey dunk right there Okay, with all white people in it Of course Appropriating every movie ever Yeah, dude I don't know There's such a weird

Such a weird weekend Just detoxing I'm sorry I keep bringing it back to Planet of the Apes But you guys gotta understand the master of cinema. You've seen Ace before? No, it was my first time watching this weekend. I watched it with my mom. So something you got to know, Matt's never watched movies ever.

But what is your theory? You know the beginning and the end. I look up the beginning. I watch the first scene and the last scene, and then I read the Wikipedia plot synopsis. Isn't that fucking psychotic? There's no test. You're supposed to watch them for entertainment.

But he does it so that in conversation if it ever comes up, he can be like, yeah, I do remember Godfather Part 2. My autistic brain needs to understand lore. I swear to God, I'll be laying in bed and I'll be like, I don't remember, I don't know what happens at the end of Naruto. And then I'll have to just Google

an hour and a half of just a random TV show. And my brain just thinks about it until I quench that thirst for knowledge. I get it. Yeah. Nobody gets me, dude. I watch trailers when I'm trying to find a movie to watch. I watch trailers like an autistic

man for 45 minutes. You mean like the things people live in? What do I watch? Gay commercials trailers. Trailers are getting gayer and gayer. I like the trailers before the movies. You know what? Your iPhones have picked up my words, and I hope, I pray, that you go home.

Please, no. Please, whatever. Your girlfriend's picking your phone like gay I think it's Chanel fucking pulling a fast one on me. That is a great Wedding rings They say no I marry a gay man. She's like what the fuck you backfire. Yeah, I Can't think anything better to what do you guys we can't think of anything better, dude. What do you guys... You can't think of anything better than Gay Porn. Yeah, that's right. Two guys hanging out.

Two guys having a nice time. You know what two guys have a nice time? Shock Drop Comedy this Saturday at Scores Sneaker Boutique in Collingswood, New Jersey. Come on out. That's a commercial. That's how you do a damn commercial. Come hang, please. We're going to break fire codes. You can steal shoes, I think. something I'm gonna dress it all black and pretend like I'm the doorman Just our bouncing people

Just go to random guys like get out I'm like Rick and he's like what are you gonna do? Rick sneaks if we get you an earpiece and we just hang out for a day, I bet you we can convince people that I'm important. John James did his funniest set, his Philly's funniest set. He said they're hanging out with me outside the one day. And I'm standing by the road, and he's closer to the door, and people are giving him the IDs. And he's like, you're good.

I'm sharing my hardest to not laugh. 14 kids got underage drinking citations that night. Let's go. John invited them. Yeah. That's my audience. No, John James. Oh, damn.

What do you guys, what do you want to plug or promote? We hit our well over an hour. We're cooking. Hey, it's, you know, when you're hanging with friends. That's why it's great. I have friends. That's why it's great. I have Instagram. That's why it's great. Sorry.

You did great. You did great. My brain is actually melting. It starts leaking out of your nose. My brain is leaking out of my face. That's great. Those slurring words. This gray matter on this wall is beautiful.

I love how equally well-spoken you are right now with your concoction. You think that there's this large gap from how you articulate. Oh, you think I'm very articulate. I think you're as articulate today as you are. This is your baseline. So you're saying I've always been a moron. Yep. You confused him there.

He heard the word gasp when he wanted to go shopping. My brain just started throbbing trying to figure out what you were saying. Sorry, what did you want to promote? Joshua Ryan comedy. Not the football player. I'm doing a bunch of shows that are already sold out, so you can't buy tickets. I'm sorry. That sucks for you.

None of which are this sneaker show. With that attitude, you're not going to be on the next on the next one i don't know what to tell you i got some fun shows coming up um plug them just show off no one comes to our shows because of this but we still say them every day um that's it that's why i got it uh? Follow me on everything at Ricky Isn't Funny. I have one show. I'm performing in my hometown of Bridgeton. March, I want to say March 9th. Buds and Brushes.

It's like a weed event. Nice. Pretty cool. So, yeah, there's tickets for that, I think, still. We're moving just a comedy show to Bojo's in Millville. We're not at Sealy's anymore. That's going to be once a month. And then we're doing just a comedy show.

We're doing two open mics a month as well. I want to say that it's on Thursdays. I want to say that it's on Thursdays. I have a solo podcast in March called, what the hell did I name it? People We Could Live Without. And, yeah, that should be fun. I'll probably have all you guys on there. Oh, yeah.

I'd love to. Yeah. I think that's all I have. Individually, he's like, I would never get this cruise. This was a one and done situation. Yeah. So as John said, shock jot,

we're going to have tickets at the door, like 10, 10 or 15. So come by score sneakers, March 2nd, March 8th. I'm going to be opening for a small diabetic man at Shippensburg casino. Brendan Donovan will be headlining there. I'll be opening for his small, sugar-sensitive ass.

And then we have Lookout for Crossing Broad. We're starting a podcast with Kyle Pagan, live podcast. Some episodes probably dropping early April. So keep an eye out for that, baby. If you're watching live this Saturday with the lovable monsters out in media, Sligo. I think John DelCalo's headlining that one. I'm hosting that show.

Come out to that. That's the next night. Shock drop comedy. Just come hang out. It's going to be a good time. And then all-fleece comedy on Wednesday night over at Fergie's in a couple weeks on the 13th. It'll be a fun one.

Beautiful. Like Fergie's. Beautiful. Other than that, fellas, thanks. Bye. No fun, nobody. No fun, nobody. No fun, nobody. Outro Music