That Rules Podcast - Episode #11: James Bond in the Rain

Episode Date: August 9, 2021

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🎵 Here it is. Here we are. We're back. We're here. We're living it. We're feeling it. We're burping. We're running miles.

We're staying in shitty motels. We're burping, we're running miles, we're staying in shitty motels, and we are here with the 11th and the final, the finale episode of the Handsome Idiots Podcast. I'm here, Matty Peeps, don't ever say that again, with my dear friend and my co-host, Johnny Matzabal. Hey, it's good to be back. You made it sound like we're filming or recording this in a hotel after we just got done running. That's a great point. Which we are.

We are in the middle of nowhere. We've both left our lives. That's right. We're not leaning on Matt's couch anymore in his apartment. We're in a red roof somewhere in Pennsylvania. We are in southwestern Pennsylvania in a red roof that doesn't have any staff or receptionists. We're just kind of hanging around. Southwestern PA is a weird area because it's pretty much West Virginia, right?

I think I've driven through it. There's not much need to go over there. No, I think I went through there to go to Ohio, which just seems like a bummer to just even go to Ohio to begin with. Although we went for a cool reason. We went to go see a friend at Ohio State University, the Ohio State University. Okay. For a second, I don't know why, you were like, we went for a cool reason we went to go see a friend at ohio state university the ohio state university okay for a second i don't know why you're like we went i was like wait we went to ohio you are a heavy sleeper yeah yeah it was a good time i remember we kidnapped you just threw you in the back of the truck that's how we got the guy to do stuff that's what happens when you have a kid your friends to get you to go do things have to do a federal crime and kidnap you

kidnap you i would like you. I would like that. I was watching a show before where it's more of a sexual thing where they can kidnap people and they put you through a torture, bondage type situation. But it's like you sign up for it, but you don't know when it's coming. Okay. No pun intended. Oh, boy. You don't know where it's coming.

Pun intended. Pun intended, yeah. But it's like they kidnap you and then they put you through the thing then they just drop you back off i also think it'd be funny if you signed up for that but just coincidentally you also got kidnapped by someone like they were like just you know you might get picked up on tuesday at 10 and someone picked you up at tuesday at 9 30 yeah and then the people you paid show up and like oh man he never came here meanwhile you're just getting stabbed and you're like that's all right i still got my safe word this is very

lifelong as long as i say banana pineapple i'm out of here that's weird so just out of curiosity how could i get to the website and how much would it cost just like i think it's called kidnapme.org it's a non-profit it's a non-profit.edu yeah university it's run by the clintons i'm gonna get real deep here we're getting into conspiracy theories again show your emails but that would be funny to have the opposite of that where it's like

you want it like you have a family now and like you want to get away yeah and the only way is like you have to hire for like thousands of dollars you hire a couple bros

26 year olds to kidnap you they put together like hostage videos of you like with a thing around your mouth like honey please just do what they say.

There's a ransom note, but it's just all letters cut out of 30 packs. And it's not that many letters because it's just like Coors and Miller. Yeah. So you're just making do. Meanwhile, you're at a Phillies day game, and then you go and hit up a fun bar. Maybe a pool bar, a deck on it. Your family sees you on TV at the Phillies game. They're like, we thought he was kidnapped. They put you on the J jumbotron missing please let us know if you have any information about this

man so i think that's going to be that would be our next uh business endeavor for handsome idiots is like bro kidnap for hire bro nap bro nap it's a bro napping that's tough though because bro napping could sound like something you just hire to come cuddle you i'm not mad at that endeavor either though you and a guy named derrick that you. I'm not mad at that endeavor either, though. You and a guy named Derek that is from a frat. That's what happens after the kidnap. You do a bro-nap, and then you become a man-nap. Yeah, and then you get refreshed, and they drop you back off.

Yeah, and then they bring you back, and then your wife's like, oh, my God, we're looking all over. And then you do have to pay them upwards of $20,000. Otherwise, I think it's a worthwhile endev if you ask me. All right, if you're in the market, listeners, for a good kid- think it's a fun day. It's a worthwhile endev if you ask me. Sorry, if you're in the market, listeners, for a good kidnapping, a good adult napping,

we shouldn't say kidnapping. It's an adult napping. We have an 18 and above napping. Just hit us up. It's a new endeavor we're trying out. If comedy doesn't work out,

we're just going to start kidnapping people to fill their sexual desires. Yeah, well, no one said sexual, but all right. Didn't you say it was

a sexual thing? I'm saying ours is going to be like, you just couldn't have to have a good day. Okay, that's actually better. Unless, like, just catching a Phillies day game is, like, what really gets you off. Some people just love the smell of grass. I love, I'll tell you what, Dollar Dog Night might be an aphrodisiac for me. You ever go into a Dollar Dog Night at a Phillies game? Yeah, I have.

Anything, I mean, it is phallic. That's a little. I think just the smell of it just takes you back. Nostalgic. You're like, oh, man, this is getting weird. I don't know. Dollar dog nights are always fun. I don't think I've ever been to a dollar dog night that didn't end up in me or the whole group of people I'm with getting thrown out of the game.

Yeah. And it's usually for a hot dog throwing incident of some sort. Right. The one time I remember we were up in, like, the upper deck, and it's at Philly Stadium in right field where there's a gap in the upper deck. Like, so it's behind third base. There's, you know, seating. Then there's a huge empty space.

And then left field – or right field, sorry. And I remember my friend just being like, you think I can clear it with a hot dog? And all is being like there's only one way to find out like i mean we can we can hypothesize this as much as we want yeah you gotta put your money where your hot dogs are and he hucked a hot dog that did not make it more than 20 feet into this 120 foot gap and just hit someone right in the head and immediately the ushers which are hilarious too because i feel like an usher is the ushers at sporting events are all retirees i would love to have that job as a retiree oh he was on us immediately i'm like how much do you love your

job that like one thrown hot dog can get you kicked out of the game i don't know yeah no i don't think it's any good i think you you let the kids play. I mean, they should start putting fucking dollar dogs in like t-shirt guns. They do. Do they really? The Fanatic does that. Let's... Dude, I should... You've never been to a game where the Fanatic he's got a cannon that's shaped like a hot dog that shoots out little hot dogs. When I told you dollar dog money that was at a Wells Fargo center. I've actually never

been to a baseball one. It's very weird. You were like, I actually made up. I just thought it was a thing where you went and paid a dollar to touch dogs. Oh, man. Alright. Well, that's... I do... Yeah, the Ph philly fanatics got on the back of his like uh little atv vehicle thing he's got a cannon mounted like a like a gun mounted on top of a oh my god humvee in war i gotta and it just really uh well i so he always shoots into the upper deck and i just so badly want him to just unload on the front row one time because it's like upper deck those are the people that are there for the dollar dog night like they're the people that will fight each other for that free hot dog even though they've already had

11. yeah but the front row are the people that are like they have the money to like they're like we'll pay full price give us the good hot dogs we'll pay full price yeah i just want to see the fanatic yeah just unload or like go to the opposing bench and just be like... Just, like, genuine carnage, like people running and scattering. It just looks like the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan. The Fanatic's got a leather jacket on. He's all, like, fucking Rambo. Did Rambo wear a leather jacket?

I don't think so. He does now. How would you have access to a leather jacket? You just turned Rambo into the Fonz. I actually tried to do Terminator, but we did land on Fonz. Wasn't Rambo in like tropical Cambodia? Yeah, which, I mean, if you're gonna wear a leather jacket, it's... Actually, I think

the first Rambo was in like the woods of Georgia. It was in the United States. Really? I don't know if I've ever actually seen Rambo. I don't think either. I thought it was always in... Or was that Predator? There's so many of those movies that like, as a guy in my mid-thirties, I've acted like I've seen for a long time.

Because those are the ones, if I had seen Rambo, it would have been when I was 10. And I didn't have any cousins that were cool enough to show me Rambo. I'd have an older brother. That's like an I had an older brother type movie. I had no business seeing that. I've maybe seen the original Terminator. But I feel like me saying this right now, there are people

getting, listening, getting so pissed off. Like, what, you've never seen Terminator? And I guarantee you, if we pause this

and put Terminator on right now, it would be fucking dog shit. It would be awful. I think I've seen Terminator too, but I don't think I've seen the first one. Because, oh no,

the first one's when he's a bad guy. And then the second one, he's like the protagonist. Yeah, and I remember what the word protagonist means for sure. It is like, it was an acne medication back in like the early 2000s

i always think it's just a person that gets paid off being antagonist well that was that was actually a proactive joke that you really missed right there were you a proactive guy yeah i got in there were you an accutane guy i did i think i did it for a little bit i think what was funny and i told people this and they're like you you're really kind of an idiot for that, but I used to tell people that the way to get rid of acne is to stop worrying about having acne. Like, I had acne for like six years, and then when I was 14, I was like, whatever, I just have acne.

Genuinely, within a week, I just didn't have it anymore. You just cooled your way out of acne? I was just like, you know what? I'm me. And then I walked off. I'm going to focus more on fingering. I walked off into the sunset. more on fingering i walked off into the sunset the credits rolled behind me you know what summer plate i can relate that to a conversation i had last week with uh philadelphia comic ryan foster who told me he just cools his

way out of not sweating because we were standing there and i was saying i was like man i'm sweating and he had a great teacher i was like you never sweat and he's like nah i just don't allow myself to and i was like part of me wants to be like fuck you but then the other part of me wants to be like maybe i could do that too yeah well listen we're saying this now ryan foster great guy great comic i think we talked shit and praised ryan like seven times and he still doesn't listen to any of this ryan we will light you up if you listen to this episode we are fucking coming for you buddy yeah here's the test if you listen to this go fuck yourself ryan i'll see you this friday

in the storytelling show you put me on next yeah by the way thanks for the book yeah thanks for the booking but also if you're listening to this fuck you fuck you but also thanks all right to test we'll tell you next week if ryan foster listens to this show if i if i come on this podcast talking about why my eye is all black yeah from getting punched that's why well it could be a variety of reasons but we'll just but when he he said that, I remember there was, I did have one incident where I think I cooled myself out of sweating. I was in a wedding two years ago. Are we going to talk, is this a real thing? I think you can cool your way out of things.

I think a lot of things are mental. So if you cooled your way out of acne, I'm pretty sure in this instance, and I'll explain it. And I think I've mentioned this to you before, so you can tell me if I'm a fucking idiot. Okay. I'm going to throw it out there. You can take a swing at it. So I was in a wedding in Valley Forge, which is hilarious to be in a wedding where just thousands of people died, I think.

Yeah. I don't know if there was a lot of bloodshed in Valley Forge. I don't know. I think that was like one of the probably ten bigger battles. Okay. So, yes. A lot of bloodshed. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding for my friend.

And I was in the wedding party and we had uh light gray suits on in the summer which is not a good i don't know why i immediately thought sweatsuits i thought you were wearing like a dita oh no no no like uh they weren't even ideas just hanes we just we got we got a 20 pack for the groomsmen um it was the swoot if you watch new girl you know what that is i do watch i don'll know what that is. I do watch it. I don't know what that is. Damn it. They invent a suit made out of sweat material. Okay. Damn, I'm good.

So we're all standing there, and I look. I'm one of the groomsmen, and the groom's cousin, who I've known for my whole life, is next to me. I look, and he is just buckets of sweat to the point where the back of his jacket, there was a big gray, a dark gray V of sweat, and then the light gray where the sweat didn't hit yet. And he's just buckets and buckets. And I look to the other side of me. It's actually that guy's brother sweating like crazy. And I'm like, I'm not even sweating.

And we're in direct sunlight. And then I noticed people like looking at me, like specifically looking at me. And I'm like, what did I do? Like, is there snot on my face? Did I fart? And I didn't know it happened. And I realized I was like, oh, I'm just not sweating. like what did i do like this or snot on my face that i fart and i didn't know it happened and and i realized i was like oh i'm just not sweating and then also we were getting after it before

the wedding so i was pretty hammered i'm up there and i was like oh maybe i just didn't allow myself to sweat oh what an infuriating thought so here's my theory so afterwards i had like a couple of like ants from the wedding that aunts if you will will, not ants. I won't. Bugs, aunts. And like some people that I don't even know came up to me and they were like, we were all amazed. You were sweating. I swear to God. And here's my drunk answer. I've said this to you before.

I was like, you know what it was? I'm just like James Bond in the rain. Let me explain a little bit further. If you, in your mind, you picture it's a foggy rainy london day everyone's scurrying they got their jackets over their head some have umbrellas newspapers over the head if you will okay and james bond's walking down the street what's he doing is he scurrying out of the raindrops he's walking slowly in the middle of the street he's playing it cool as if it's not even happening so my theory was in my mind i just was telling myself like you're james bond in the rain this isn't even bothering

you and because of that my sweat was just like we're gonna contain so without also a chance i was dehydrated and there was no sweat to come out of the early stages of heat stroke and i'm a very sweat i sweat a lot i'm sweating now and it's a beautiful day outside and your air conditioning is on nicely. No, I'm sweating just from coming in from being outside. Oh, God. So that was my theory. And I've had moments like that before too. And so now I have moments like that where when it is raining, I make it an effort in my head to not be the guy. There's nothing more bitch than being the guy that scurries to your car because you don't want to be a little

damp it's so much more worth it just in case someone sees you to be the guy that just was walking like nothing was happening dude but dude okay dude listen to me sweat dries pride does not listen the sweat story was a plus a number one i can't imagine the look that those people gave you when you said that you were James Bond in the rain. They were like, either early stages of heat stroke or he took four to 17 edibles. Yeah, there was a few times too where it worked on the first two ants of my friend

that told me it. So there was one that said to me, and I hit her with the James Bond in the rain line and then just walked off. She was like, I don't really like him. That was the comic in me that in my mind, I was like, I don't really like him. That was the comic in me that in my mind, I was like,

she's back there going, who did I just meet? But in reality, as I turned around, she was like, did you meet Matt's really special needs friend? What the fuck was up with that guy?

Is he the one that hit his head when he was a child? Hey, let me ask you this. What is James Bond in the rain? I don't know. He keeps saying that. I have no idea. He didn't even have a toast,

but he got up there on the mic and just said, I'm James Bond in the rain. I didn't even say you one thing. He went, I don't suck. He didn't even have a toast, but he got up there on the mic and just said, I'm James Bond. I didn't even say one thing. He went and said, I don't suck. But you know what's funny is the next time it's raining, you're going to think to yourself. You're like, oh, I've got to run in real quick. But you're going to stop, and you're going to go, James Bond in the rain.

And the only thing I'm going to tell you is you're going to feel better about yourself for having manned up and just slowly walk through the rain. I will see you're walking slowly through the rain, kind of just taking it for what it is, and I will raise you a full-fledged sprint into a dick sporting goods. No, no, no, no, no. I will book it. I'll leave my girlfriend behind. And you ran in there to buy an umbrella. I ran in there to buy a poncho to survive this rain.

Dude, I will run through rain, and it and it's all oh i don't want to be damp okay you you walk into somewhere and you're a little damp it's not like there's you know nothing's happening inside there's air conditioning going there's people who weren't out in the rain and everybody understands it's like when you it's like when you get like a little bit of water when you wash your hands on like your junk area and yeah i tell people that too and i piss myself a little bit but we all know as a society it's probably not piss it's like we all know that the guy who's a little wet wasn't sweating because it's pouring rain out there so we you know but i think it's in the act

if someone catches you if now say on the flip side of that all the cashiers at dicks are like it's raining so hard let's all go to the front windows and look out at how hard it's raining yeah and they see you just back to Terminator. You're Terminator walking through the rain like you're a robot. It's not even affecting you. They're going to be like, I don't want to spend time with that guy. And they're like, I'm going to give him my employee discount. I don't think you do.

I think you're going to be like, there's a shooter walking in. I don't like all that too. And he's going over it in his head. Why is he going just to the hunting section? Oh, God. He saw Rambo. I don't know. I'm going to keep running through rain, and you'll walk, and we'll just live our lives in different fashions.

Yeah. I think that, too, when I'm out running in the rain. Now, it's, like, one of my favorite things to do. Like, when I'll look at the weather, and I'm like, all right, halfway through this run, it's going to rain. And I feel so cool. But then, also, I just think of the other side of that where someone's driving by and they're like look at this guy who already looks like a moron running yeah like in my mind i look like who's hussein bolt hussein bolt well you say is it hussein i think it's

you saying i look like bolty boy like bolty boy i look like uh jesse owens but white who's that you know he's the guy that held his fist up and told Hitler to go fuck himself at the Olympics. Oh, yeah. Dude, I picture you running in the rain, which is a weird sentence. I picture you running in the rain, and you leave it at that. Yeah. All the time. I just picture you running, like I said, like a late 90s romantic comedy,

and you just got good news about the girl of your dreams, you like run down your new york city street and you do that thing where like you run and you like flip your hair and you're wearing a red dress by the way for this also you're in my in my daydreams you're a gorgeous you are a five foot two smoke show anytime i daydream about my boys they're always jessica alba i refuse to daydream about my boys, they're always Jessica Alba. I refuse to daydream about an ugly motherfucker.

Why is Jessica Alba the go-to there? She's pretty hot. She was like a pretty big back in the day. She probably still is. She's one of those people that like she was smart.

She got out of the limelight quick so that like you don't even know what she looks like now. I think she's just like it's kind of weird because she's a girl. Probably great.

No, I think she's like pretty big on Instagram now. I think she's just like, it's kind of weird. Probably great. No, I think she's like pretty big on Instagram now. I know what's sad is like that's a measure of like how celebrities are doing. You're like, is she big on Instagram? Is she big on TikTok right now?

She's selling face cream. Britney Spears is the opposite end where she's big on Instagram but it's because it's like a downward spiral. Yeah, she just got on there. And it's just like showing her.

I'll tell you this. Great move by her of finally now coming out and like posting pictures of her like covering herself up. But like starting to expose herself because every guy from 30 to 40 is like, well, I mean, I guess I have to follow her now. I guess I should handle these fears. It's been a while. I got to see. She might get, you know, she might be the one that posts a picture and then deletes it two hours later. Britney Spears.

I've been wanting this since I was 12. She's in the mental condition where she would date a fan at this point. So I think guys your age can look and be like, I could probably. I have a lot of friends that are banking on if their marriages fail. That they're like, I could just go to Tennessee and find Britney Spears. Dave, Eric, Steven. Every white guy name. I'm just naming white guy names and yes do i have

friends by all those please several friends those are actually all my groomsmen in order okay good yeah yeah yeah but yeah i don't know i'm just buying the rain baby just like you were running through the rain you were running 37 miles johnny yeah 37 miles i don't know if you guys can hear this but it's a cricky, clicking, swollen ankle. From, yeah, I ran a 12-hour ultramarathon yesterday. I'll pause it. Not even a pause. We're back in, what were we talking about?

Jessica Alba. Jessica Alba, but even more importantly, Johnny Boy running it out. Yes, running it out. Yes, running it out. Yeah, I ran a 12-hour ultra marathon, which I've never ran a race in my life of any distance. So I decided, should I run a half marathon? No.

No. Do I go and run a full marathon? Do I just run a 5K, which I think is three miles? I'm addicted to running and I still don't know the 5K equals X miles. I think it is three miles and i'm addicted to running and i still don't know the the 5k equals x miles i think it's three miles like i said 10k is seven miles like 1.3 miles is a kilometer or something i don't know i don't care either because i'm in america yeah and so i skipped

all those and i said you know what i'm gonna do i'm gonna do a thing that's gonna make me probably never want to run again and And it was? Painful. It was painful. It was a 12-hour marathon of a 3.7-mile loop, and you see how many times you can run that. And I ran that 10 times. 10 of the same loop, looking at the same stuff 10 times. Listening to – I listened to a good – what was funny, too, is I didn't –

Oh, that's a great – I wanted to ask that. Yeah. What do you listen to? So my ADD is all over the was funny, too, is I didn't. Oh, that's a great idea. I wanted to ask that. Yeah. What do you listen to? So my ADD is all over the place anyway, like especially when I run. So it's like I'll listen to podcasts. I'll listen to music. Thankfully, I invested in myself, and I got a good pair of headphones that connect to Siri, and I can just be like, Siri, play this playlist.

Play this podcast. And so I saved up. I didn't listen to any podcasts last week yeah during the week and i saved them all up and then only listened to two podcasts okay and it was matt and shane's regular episode and their patreon episode and then i listened to the same rap run playlist which that is what i named it rap run is the asian guy who was in there with you you did the accent i I said the racist thing. No, that was Rapper Rana. He's here.

Oh, he is? Hey, sorry. Good to see you. Yeah, we're going to finish the podcast. We'll talk to you afterward. Leave. And what would he say while he leaves, John? That was Rapper Rana locking the door. Sound effects, baby. I made a Rapper Rana playlist, which is hilarious when you hear me yelling at Siri out of breath halfway through a run.

I'm like, Siri, play Rapper Rana. And it's it's like playing run run i'm like that's not a thing playing run dmc and i'm screaming at siri like i have tourette's yeah um yeah so i've switched between that and i also have just run playlist which is it's embarrassed it's an embarrassing amount of fallout boy yeah like early fallout boy like early 2000s that's actually pretty solid the one is it's embarrassed it's an embarrassing amount of fallout boy yeah like early fallout boy like early 2000s that's actually pretty solid the one song it's like uh it's like tell that mick i got his wallet or something like that boy yeah might have been like the album before like all the like dance dance and all that i'm talking i'm talking early cut oh yeah man you know fallout boy uh yeah so it's a lot of that or just like whatever song strikes but the back to the rap run

playlist there's a few songs in there like i'm somewhat of like a big like i need that motivation i need like and there's one song it's uh i think it's a meek mill song in the beginning there's like a clip of a guy doing a motivational speech and it always seems to like come in on a shuffle like right when i am about to quit and sell my running shoes and yeah just take up dance i don't know you could be yeah i can get that and as soon as that comes in i immediately like and now it's the point where it's out loud i go here we go and then but it's like I have to do that corny shit to make myself run 37 miles a day. So I'm hurting now. My ankle is very swollen.

It was funny too because my goal was to get 40 miles, which would have been one more loop. And then I had enough time. I got back and my body was just like, fuck you. We're not doing this. So it is the straight 12 hours. Yeah, as many loops as you can do in 12 hours you couldn't start a run you couldn't start a loop within the last half hour so if it was at 630 it ended at 7 if it was at 630 you weren't allowed to go out to start your last loop because you wouldn't have made it right and I got back at like 605

and I could have probably walked another loop. Like it's 3.7 miles in that time. And my body, like from my knees down just shut down. That seems unbelievable. Like locked up or screaming at me. And I ran it with two friends that one ran like 45 miles, one ran almost 60 miles. Jesus Lord. And they're like, I mean, I guess I'm a big runner, but they're like ultramarathon level runners.

Yeah. They were like, they would come in for like a two-minute rest. I came in. I took my shoes off. I'd put my feet up. I'd lay down. Yeah. I'm talking to people.

It's also, the main reason I got into it was my buddy that told me to sign up for it. He's like, yeah, last time I ran a 50-mile race. He's like, what saved me in the middle of it was just eating a bag of barbecue chips. And I was like, wait, this is a thing where I can just eat chips? Where's that section at? My diet yesterday was literally sour cream and onion chips, barbecue chips, and Uncrustables for 12 hours. Is that a specific running thing to eat? It is because I guess you deplete a lot of salt when you sweat.

Oh, there it is. So you need to – my friend who who's a nutritionist she told me the night before she's like eat the biggest plate of loaded nachos you can find so shout out to i want to call i want to beg these people to be a sponsor smoked barbecue in audubon new jersey amazing barbecue but brisket nachos that will make you oh dear god run 37 miles the next day. I ate an entire family-sized nacho for my dinner the night before. That's a great sell. If someone's like, hey, do you like sports? You're like, yeah.

You like sports where you can eat nachos for it? Yeah, I love that. It's like how Michelob Ultra is the runner's beer or whatever. That's nachos as far as food. They have three tables at this. The people that do it, Endless Endurance is the company they run like an amazing thing like you don't have to worry about anything i could have forgot every i could have brought no water or anything they have like a whole setup yeah but like their spread is like they had one plate or

one table that had like fruit and like you know cut up bananas for you easy accessible orange slices the next table was just like they took the costco mix of potato chips and we're like here you go pig oh that sounds beautiful beautiful i was at that table at the end of every loop grabbing a little mini bag it's kind of a bummer that you have to run to get that i would just you know be nice like normal day thing it's funny too because like a lot i told you like you end up walking probably, I would like to, if I could somehow look back on like my, the Garmin mileage tracker and see like the slowest parts, I probably walked more than I ran really when it came down to it, which is kind of disheartening.

Like you look at 37 miles, you're like, holy shit. And then you're like, I walked 30. That's still a lot. Oh no, it's, I'm, I'm very happy I did it. Like it was something I wanted to try, but it was like, uh, I, like, at the points where no one else at the race could really see. So it's around a river. Yeah. So on the other side of the river, I'm like, well, here's where I'll walk.

But then as soon as it came time to, like, come back where you got to cross the, like, to start the loop again, I'm like, that's where, like, I'd be like, click on, like, this is so corny. Oh, I can't wait. like click on like this is so corny i can't wait you're gonna hear it it was like there's uh stupid again by tory lanes is the song in the beginning it has a conor mcgregor soundbite yeah where he's like i want to take this chance to apologize for absolutely nothing the double champ does what the fuck he wants meanwhile i haven't won a championship as an adult but for some reason also just lost in her right it's so funny to listen to that knowing that he's just lost his last, what, three fights now? And a leg, too. Yeah, he broke his leg.

But in that, still, the biggest shit talker, like, he still somehow came out on top because he ran his mouth more. I can't even remember the guy he fought. What's his name? Dustin Poirier. Dustin Poirier, yeah. But I still, no one's talking about Dustin Poirier. They're talking about what Conor did. That Conor loss, yeah.

But I'm, like, listening to that as I'm getting back to the area where people can see you so i'm like hitting great stride looking good and then as soon as i'm out of eyeline of everyone else i'm like the tears come back it's really serious play dashboard but like the really sad that sounds fucking brutal but i mean even still i know you can downplay yourself 37 miles is an absurd thing like i try to think about especially now you're saying 37 i do cardio like three times a week but i'll just walk on an inclined treadmill for 20 minutes yeah and that's about a 1.1 miles it's weird because there's other things i've done that were more tiring than this like playing like a nine inning baseball game in the heat i was more like mentally drained and like physically drained.

Like the point where you just collapse than this. This got to the point where like you're my one friend kept saying he's like, it's either your body or your mind gives out first. Yeah. And like your mind just gets so numb to this. Like I already do. Like I think the longest I ran that day was 16 miles and in that like your brain just does like especially when you listen to podcasts listen to music like you forget that you're running at some point i never knew like a run i always say runners high but like

that's a thing i'm like no it isn't it 100 it is yeah like yesterday it was almost like runners amnesia it was like we i looked at the clock oh my god it's three o'clock i don't even remember running between 11 and 2 yeah but i was out there moving like yeah that was and that's the main thing this kind of thing too is like as long as you keep yourself moving that's where the mental part is like my ankles were killing me but it showed me that like i can get a distance and that's where i have to be like sadistic in head where I'm like, your family is in a burning building. They are 37 miles away. Cars don't even exist anymore. And the cops are like, can you get here within 13 hours?

And I'm like, make it 12. I'll be there. But then I also have to stop. Knowing my family is in a burning building, have to stop and eat chips barbecue chips and put my feet up every seven to eight months far from true to life for being real here people were like my god you got here i was like yeah and i'm also very full my breath smells like sour cream and onion yeah that's what you do you show up to your family and you smell like a third grader's lunch you finally come you like you save your family even somehow they didn't

burn in that 12 hours and they're like is that nacho cheese in your fingers like don't worry about it off your shirt i had a fighter guy and he was covered in nacho cheese to get to you that is crazy though dude you i mean outside of your job when have you ever done anything for 12 hours even though you're not walking and running the whole time it's all like it's like yeah looking back on it and it's i keep acting like like last night i was like i'm fine and then all of a sudden i got the other thing too is like i told you i stopped boozing for five weeks leading up to it and what are we doing baby and guess what i'm doing drinking them cocktails we're squeezing them back to my addictions um we're home again they are a problem uh i I got home and that was the first thing.

I was like, I want a beer. And I drank three. And I was like, I don't even feel it. But I was like, also, yeah, you're just delirious. Yeah, you don't feel anything. You already kind of were drunk. Like your body is in that state of feeling drunk. Your wife's like, John, you are naked.

So I would say you don't want to feel close. Also, this isn't your house. Who are you? You're just drinking our beer. You ran there too. But like, it's weird too because i always get if i ever do a long run you get a like annoying second wind where you are tired but then you're on the couch and you're like well now i'm gonna watch netflix till four in the morning yeah

and i did that last night and i was drinking and just eating cereal and that's the best part about running that far is like you have to keep eating afterwards i mean how many calories do you burn i think i oh i actually can probably tell you it's got to be like seven six i think my friend who The best part about running that far is you have to keep eating afterwards. I mean, how many calories do you burn in those times? Oh, I actually can probably tell you. It's got to be like 7,000, 6,000. I think my friend who ran almost 60 miles burned like 6,000. I burnt just under 6,000, I think. That's crazy.

I burnt 7,869 calories. Jesus Christ. 69, baby. What it is. My body knows up. I was running. It was like, should we burn one more calorie? And knows up it was like i was running it was like should we burn one more calorie oh and then my dick was like nah dude you're no longer james bond in the rain

yeah you're not james bond in the rain you're fucking you're double oh two i don't know okay we'll cut that part out uh keep that yeah here's all my stats so i ran oh that was funny too i guess when i bought this watch it comes with like a factory setting of the like steps goal per day yeah because i only i wear it all the time but i don't ever i'm never like oh i got 8 000 snaps today because i work at home like if i have no yeah yeah if i did 30 steps in a day that's pretty good i just spent so much he's just he's puking he's falling apart in front of us i'm probably very dehydrated i was supposed to drink water all day today and i don't think i've had any but you have had three beers and that's good there's water and beer um last night as soon as i ended the race it was like you hit your steps goal times 11 i was like holy shit i hit 74 000 steps yesterday

you don't have to walk for almost two weeks i don't i might not be able to wait this doesn't make sense the calories just went up again. It says gay. Is it still? I think my watch might still be going. What does it say? What do you got?

It just went up another 1,000 calories from yesterday. Like what I burnt yesterday, I just said it was 7,000. Now it's 8,126. Did you do anything today that would warrant

a 1,000-calorie burn? No. Anyway, we can discuss Garmin, all the flaws in Garmin. So what's really funny is if I look at this and it's the 12 hour time slot yeah I was only running for seven hours and 48 minutes of that I like how you say only but what's the what's that right I can't do the math it's that four hours of resting yeah

but then it's also eight hours of running true True. But then if you look at like the people, I keep comparing myself to people I was there with. They would rest for like a minute. I came back almost every time and took my shoes off. Yeah. Like changed my socks. How do you take them off and then sit there and chill and then you're like, all right, I'm going to start running again? I think you want to pay the money. Okay.

Yeah, that really is pretty good. The cheapskate in me is like, you got to get your money's worth. Get your money's worth there, kid. Come on now. I had to get Jewish with that. And you guys eat more chips. Yeah, yeah. How much do you pay to torture yourself like that?

It's $100. That's not bad. I got a t-shirt. It's a nice running t-shirt. So you knock $15 off of that. So you pay $10. I probably get $100 worth of chips. Okay, so you made money.

You're already off the track. Yeah, I think I'm in the plus on this. I'm in the black. Whoa, wait now. I mean, I am black. That's what I meant. We are two huge black guys i ran myself into another race yeah literally i raced myself into a race baby good

do you think that's where race came from where they were like let's get a white black against each other what do you guys want to call it i don't know race wars hey let's just call it races a white and a black give it up to seven-year-old john montag for Christ's sake. I mean, back in the day, they weren't like, let's get an African-American fellow and a Caucasian. Give me your fastest white. Give me your fastest black. Let's go. And then the judge will be Rap Run. He will be the one to show. Rap Run is, and he

is Japanese, if you guys are wondering. He's a sweet kid. Sweet, sweet kid. That's what it was. The running man, John Montag. Ran a whole bunch. It was a fun. I had a really fun week. I had Roast Battle on Monday, which I lost. But it was a fun time.

It was weird, too. So what they've been trying to do, I guess, is to switch it up to get people really, you know, the crowd amped up for Roast Battle. They've been trying to, like, Jay Simpson will go up. And have you ever seen, I think he did it the night we roast battle where he did like the intro song that he wrote for roast battle no i don't think it's awesome it's just like he just makes the whole crowd sing he does like a back and forth that's awesome he makes them do like the chorus and he'll sing it that's so they did that which killed and then drew was like do you want to go up and do because i was going to do the showcase after roast battle yeah he's like you you want to go up and do, because I was going to do the showcase after roast battle. Yeah. He's like, you just want to go up and do the showcase before?

And my brain was like, yeah, sure. And I was like, oh shit. Now I'm going to go up there and bomb and then possibly lose? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to take two L's in one night. And guess what your boy did? He took two L's in one night. Two L's.

I went up because I wanted to run. It was the last time I'd be on stage before semifinals of Philly's Funniest. So I was like, I just want to run through the set, get it out. It came to minimal laughter, which was expected. Yeah. And then I went up in the roast battle, and I lost to such killer jokes as, look at his pants. Well, folks, what can you do?

In my opponent's defense, I was wearing joggers for the first time you had commented on when i was here yeah you did like his ankles are out i mean i'm not mad at them i like i'm still in them i love a good ankle uh exposure now i'm going backwards in my style i lost to that and also a rebuttal that is i am gay that was a rebuttal to one of my jokes okay well i mean to be fair this now full full uh circle i will be on tomorrow night on do rag and the deer tag live podcast and then we'll be judging the roast battle finals against the person that beat me the lord works and mysterious gaze damn i love that put that on a tattoo or a t-shirt. Sell that at Sturgis. Put it on our t-shirts from Shamrock Sun.

There it is. It's like if you accidentally say something, you have to be the person that says it. You don't have to read it. We're here. Now that we're talking about Shamrock Sunny Boy. It's not a Shamrock shake. It's not a Shamrock.

I wish it was. If it was scented like a Shamrock shake. That's actually not a bad idea. I would rub a shamrock shake it's not a shamrock i wish it was if it was scented like a shamrock shake that's actually not a bad idea that's actually i would rub a shamrock actually guys don't go to our sponsors page go to matt and i's new sunscreen brand called shamrock shake son and it is just a shamrock shake milkshake that we ask you to just rub all over your naked skin are you gonna burn probably yes but are you gonna smell bad yeah yeah actually i'll do it too as well within 10 minutes of drinking it's like when you drink a shamrock shake and you're like man i miss these and then halfway through you're like i want to kill myself it's like thick urine not great but you know what isn't fit all right i'm not gonna okay that's it all right take two three two one

we're here shamrock shake folks shamrock shake is the sponsor of this podcast. The good people over there. He's fucking up again. Shamrock Shake. I'm loving it. Anyway. Okay. Just a joke. Just having fun. Take three.

Shamrock Sun. The only sunscreen that you need. Shamrock Sun. You find yourself going to the beach nowadays, even though the waning month of summertime. But you want to get out there. but you don't want to burn. You're a pale sky like myself. I just said pale sky, pale guy, who knows, who cares? A pale guy like myself.

You're already hitting the fast forward button on this episode. Oh, God, it's going to be a brutal one. But you want to go out there and you want to get some sunscreen, but you don't want to go to another Walgreens. You don't want to go to another CVS and just buy the copper tone or their crappy brand ss spf 50 spf 25 what does it all mean let the folks at shamrock sun tell you let them burp in your face and exhale it into your nose the sun burping it's deadly raising and when you smell that burp you go is that sour cream and onion from a 37 mile run in august dude you keep it in the

fridge you get your mitts on that you're also talking to a seven-year-old new yorker but all that matters is you go to shamrock son and you use our discount code idiot and you type it in and you'll get 10 off and somebody and somebody used this goddamn discount code. Now, you might be saying, that's a lot of money to spend on sunscreen. What you can do, I was thinking about this in the shower day, as I was showering my sunburn from yesterday, from this race. If it's a lot of money for that, just buy it,

put it in Coppertone bottles, and resell it. Just get ahead of the game this is our test to see if the people that Shamrock Shake yeah they haven't

listened to this podcast ever it takes one DM you can get a discount code from them so yeah buy it

resell it steal it who cares also I don't know what their plan is for not summer months as a business but

well yeah it's going to be a tough sell but I mean we'll see maybe they'll look Also, I don't know what their plan is for not summer months as a business. Well, yeah, it's going to be a tough sell. But, I mean, we'll see. Maybe they'll look for the pails like myself and just tell us. You have to apply in December. You have to reapply your sunscreen. We will send out a Word doc that you guys can get involved in. So, yeah, Shamrock's on.

Idiot is your promo code. Buy something. Probably buy something. Buy something and then DM Matt and I until she bought it and we'll give you 4% of whatever you spent. We'll give it back to you. It's whatever. Who cares? We're going to reinvest into our clients. Client?

Are they our clients? They're not listeners. They're clients. I didn't tell you yet. This is actually a Pyramid Scheme podcast. Okay. Yeah. We are.

So back to the race. I was trying the whole time i was like i'm gonna have so much material and things to talk about yeah i got nothing okay the only thing i got is apparently to be a ultra marathoner or like anything beyond like a normal runner yeah you have to have a lot of shitty tattoos yeah that makes complete i was the only person that was not covered in just like... And great, there were some cool ones. But here's along the way some of the gems that I saw. And I don't know if you're familiar with prison tattoos.

I've heard of them. I saw a guy who was like 23 to 24 years old-ish. Doesn't look like he ever did a bid in jail. Yeah. With two spider webs, one on each elbow. Okay, great. And isn't that a prison thing for you killed somebody? Oh, I don't know.

I've never heard that. Okay, maybe that's a generational thing. So maybe it used to be. Okay. And now the younger generation is just like, nope, just means I love Spider-Man. Just love Spider-Man. Love Tobey Maguire. The big Peter Parker guy.

Big PP guy. Big Petey Parks. Petey Parks. So this guy had like, he had what looked like he sat down one weekend and was like, all right, I'm not a tattoo guy. Come Monday, I want to be a very tattooed guy. Yeah, yeah. And was just covered in them.

I also didn't see this guy run at all. So he might just have been a guy walking around the river. Just for the chips. Yeah, more of a chip guy. Yeah, he's just here for the chips. I like spending the money to see if I can eat my weight in chips. That's more of a food challenge really. But like tattoos on runners seem to be like if you're

i don't know i ran shirtless this whole time i don't have any tattoos on my chest back nips or anything which we can talk nip chafage later if you i can't imagine i have a i have scabs on both my nips the first lap that's actually his pirate name old Old Scabby Nips. Old Scabby Nips. But yeah, it seems like, it's funny to see like, different sports, how, like where tattoos are prevalent. Like,

you don't see a lot of like, like a lot of people had like, the middle of the chest sternum tattoo, at this yesterday, because there are people that know, they're going to run with their shirt off. Yeah. So it's funny to see like,

I feel like NBA, a lot of tattoos are arm, or neck, because it's exposed. Yeah. Base feel like NBA, a lot of tattoos are arm or neck because it's exposed. Baseball, you see a lot of forearm. You certainly see a lot more neck in Major League Baseball too. Mostly on the Hispanic Islander players. A lot of Puerto Rican catchers with lips on their neck. Okay, that's kind of beautiful, kind of romantic. But it's funny to see like, because then you think like hockey, you're covered everywhere but your neck and face i want hockey players to just adopt like face

tattoos tattoos of teeth in your mouth there's anybody that deserves teardrop tattoos it's another force or hockey who's get a tattoo of a tooth on your face falling into your woman's missing from your mouth yeah yeah but yeah so it always cracks me up to see like where's but i think that's funny too because there were some people I saw. Like there was a girl who she had like a – you know what a racerback tank top is? Like where a tank top but it gets thinner in the middle. So both of your shoulder blades are exposed. Got it.

They make them in men's and women's. More popular in women. Fair. And this girl's tattoos were so strategically placed so that like you could see them while she had that tank top on that I was like oh she wore that tank top to the tattoo parlor and was like don't go beyond the hem i want to keep everything outside the hem don't ever mention the word hem when you're getting a tattoo yeah but it was like they were so perfectly in there it's just funny to like think of the strategy that goes behind and you're you're a tatted man yeah i'm one of the most tatted people probably in this house department right here's what you guys will know.

Not freckles on Matt. All tattoos. No freckles. No pale skin. All the freckles you see on his face are actually dots for all the people he's murdered. I haven't murdered them. I've taken care of them. I did what needed to be done to these fucking non-paying idiots.

I did what I was paid to do. Listen, folks. Like James Bond in the rain. I am Jimmy Bond. I'm telling you, I'm going to make this catch on. Jim Bond in the rain i am jimmy bond i'm telling you i'm gonna make this catch on jim bond listeners next time you're you're drunk and walking through the rain just see yourself go james bond in the rain and all you're gonna hear is so wait you're walking into so you're you're a married guy tattoos aside we're getting back to james bond you're you're you married guy. You have a young daughter.

You're walking into a Target. I'm walking into Walgreens. I'm walking into... What are they doing? Obviously, your daughter's being held. It'd be weird if she's walking with you. I think I'm a good enough father that I haven't taken her out in the rain yet at this point, too.

See, I'm a good dad. Much like James Bond. Does he have any kids? He has to. He has a lot of illegitimate children. been taking her out in the rain yet at this point too see i'm a good dad much like james bond does he have any kids he has he has a lot of illegitimate the amount of sex that guy had across multiple continents dude there's gonna be a lot of that's so funny that if james bond was your dad he'd be so embarrassed by like he would like jump out of a helicopter and you'd be like oh my god dad jesus god my dad's answering his watch phone again that's how he shows up to your recital. You're like, Dad, it's so over the top to bring the helicopter to Little Lion Dance Studio. You didn't have to rope rappel into my karate tournament. And why are you damp, Dad?

Also, why are you in a tuxedo? This is Little League, Dad. He's still doing his James Bond one-liners. You never think about James Bond as a dad. James Bond always had those, especially the old ones. There was always the catchphrase where it would zoom in on the face. And it's like, well, that's what you think. And then he blows someone's head out because of the brain.

That was a bad example. Fair. But you've got to imagine he's doing all those terrible puns and terrible one-liners for everything. No, he's like, here's $10 for the book fair. He's like, dad, just give it to me. Please stop. I would like that, please. And it's also in a briefcase.

It's a $10 bill in a briefcase that is handcuffed to his wrist. And it's like pure Italian leather. It's a $600 briefcase. It's kind of like if your dad was like the guy from saul too not saul also that's talking about saul too the sequel try to throw out a premise and have it bomb that quickly on its own. It's really brutal to bomb. It's like if your dad was in Lethal Weapon.

It sounded like I needed a laugh track. It sounded like you've never seen the Saw movies. And you just threw it out. I could have. You threw it out. That makes so much sense. Because as you said it You looked like Oh shit I don't know anything

Oh man I assume that there's a Saul That got me Hold on And there's a guy on a tricycle I thought the sequel to Saul Was called Scene This guy sucks dude

He's the worst comedian they have This is your laugh break For the listeners. I'm tearing up right now. That's good stuff. It's crazy. You've never seen Saul. I don't think I have.

And you threw it out as an example. I remember that I watched the end of Saul 1 where the dead guy gets up at the end. And I had no context. That's Saul. Yeah. But I only watched that part. So I know how it ends. I know that that guy's a problem.

You're confusing it with Better Call Saul. That's right. There isn't a single sadistic murder in this. Also, they spelled Saul wrong. They've got a lot of issues they've got to take on with this. Who did this M. Night Shyamalan? This guy also reminds me of the guy from Breaking Bad.

Yeah, this makes no sense. But, I mean, I'll check it out. Oh, man, that's good stuff. Holy shit. That's amazing to think of, like, if you're just thinking that where you're like, man, you got punched in the face. You're like, yeah, that's a lot like Jaws. I've never seen it.

I just... Yeah, Punch the Face has some similarities to Jaws. Yeah. There's a jaw on the... The grease is cooking, baby.'s fucking good baby coming at you that'll do it we're going to pause the regroup here we may have to we know we're good we can know we're professionals we're professionals we have discount codes and we can't let our listeners so i lost two in rose battle that's where we left off that's right you're right

you're right lost in rose battle going back to where we left off. That's right. You're right. You're right. Lost in roast battle. Going back to avenge my loss by judging the shit out of that comic. Take it. But you last week got to go on your own little probably 37-mile adventure. I wonder how far the Poconos is. Did I just ran to your gig? You could have, but your friends would have gotten there sooner. Bam.

Burn. Burn. I don't even. All right. Well, I. I don't even, all right. Well, I mean, at any rate. So you got to trek out to a spot that is only somewhere you go when there's snow on the ground. And you were like, you know what, let me go in the exact opposite season. The month of August where there is, believe it or not, no snow in Milford, Pennsylvania.

I like to think that you showed up in your skiing overalls. Yeah. You're ready to hit the slopes. Yeah. I was holding a skateboard. Wait, what? I can't shred? Yeah, this is ridiculous.

Where's the lodge? You're ready to shred some fresh powder, guys. Well, I was looking for some powder. There was powder there, but it was not snow. But we'll get into that. So I go. I had a show. I was booked through the one and only soul joels and uh

it was out in the pocono's he said listen i'll put you up you go out there you'll do 10 minutes you'll host easy time good fun i don't know i just think i'm doing the applebee's slogan man he's really good at selling you on going out there i'll go you out i'll send you out there it'll be fun also you get a hotel well this is what that's pretty bad because literally like i am such a like it's probably a good trade for a comedian to have but like the whole like I'll do any gig

you tell me to do with as little context. Also, if anyone tells me I get a free hotel room regardless of the level of hotel or the location I'm like, I'm so in. Yeah, I'm down.

I love a hotel room. Because that means you get to go somewhere and be hammered and not have to worry about arriving back home. It's pretty that's really a nice

burden to have off. I haven't been here in a minute. Go on. Well, I mean, this one, hey, I'll tell you. So, take the gig.

It's fun. We drive out there. I bring my wonderful, lovely girlfriend who was a real good sport throughout it all. Luckily,

she loves the Poconos. She was so excited to watch her boyfriend do shitty comedy for ten minutes to stay in the Tom Quick Inn. So we go to... Again? What was it called? The Tommy Quick Inn.

No, is it Tom Quick is his name? Or is it like a guy named Tom and he's like, it's quick because you just get in here and you get out. That's a fair question that we can say for the staff of the Tom Quick Inn. I actually don't know. I think it is the guy's name. I think the guy's name is Tom Quick, which is an incredible name. Yeah, great.

That should be a comic. That should be the guy who was in your race. That should be your comedy name and the guy who runs my race. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he comes in like fourth. Yeah, it's kind of underwhelming.

He's like Tom Kind of. His middle name is Kind of. That'd be great if your name was like Dave Speedy or like Frank Runner. And Dave Speedy? Dead laugh. Dave Speedy, but he's just on meth or like if your name was like matt laughter and you just get no laughs and you bomb every set

and then it's bad because people think that's your what can you do going on so tom laughter tom quick matt peoples here we are we arrive at the tom quick and we get in there and it's cool because you get like that like you meet the staff and i'm like hey i'm and they're like oh mad people's where we were expecting you yeah so the so how it is is he the venue is the hotel so it's like an inn they're all in your room they're all it is a eight by eight yeah so we're all packed in and it's nice you can really hear the audience um so we get in there and so like i said it's set up where there's the inn upstairs and then it's like a restaurant and a bar and then like a little venue. I love a hotel bar. Oh, it's, I mean it's, it's cool because it's, it really is more of a restaurant that has

a hotel than a hotel that has a restaurant. Oh, okay. It's in like an old town. It's in Milford. It's not like the mountains really at all. So it's like Milford. So not in the Poconos. No, well they say the Poconos.

Everybody there yells Poconos and it's like, all right, shut up, you know. I feel like the Poconos are just like, oh, so you're not Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, or Penn State? Yeah, you're just the Poconos. Yeah, basically. I mean, basically, how I got there is you go to the northwest point of New Jersey, and you take eight steps over, and you're in Milford. You were right by Montag, New Jersey, then. I drove through Montague, New Jersey.

I think it's Montague. Well, it was funny, because Ali was like, isn't it funny, Montague? And I was like, his last name's wrong. It's Montague, all right? Don't let that color. There is nothing funny about Montague. Don't let anything color the name Montague.

He's got this idea about being James Bond in the rain that I don't agree with. Rumor has it he smells like sour cream and onion. I might. Rumor has it is a like sour cream and onion So I might Rumor has it Is a great way to start any sentence You could say anything And start with rumor has it

Oh can we start a band Called rumor has it In the beginning of our songs We whisper Isn't that the Dell song Is it rumor has it Yeah but our band Is rumor has it

Am I Now let me ask you Rumor has it That was perfect It was flawless Am I I thought there was butter Falling out of your mouth

I'm getting worried That I am a college history class with how many notes were in that. Anyway, baby, you can imagine. Keep that one in the act. Yeah, we'll keep that one in the joke book. So we go there and we get there and it's cool. You get that nice, you get to flex in front of your girlfriend a little bit. Literally, they just spent the first ten minutes in the room and I was like, babe, lay down real quick. I want to flex in front of you. She goes bit because they're like, oh, my peoples. They just spent the first 10 minutes in the room

and Matt was like, babe, lay down real quick. I want to flex in front of you. She's going to talk and I was like, shut up. I think I got a new muscle this week. You're going to disrupt the traps. What's that? You're stuck? Would you say you're trapped? There's a good James Bond line.

There it is. We do still kidnap people for money, by the way. Jack James Bond. Jack James Bond. JJB. Justin Bieber. So we go there and we meet the people and they're very nice. And it's one woman.

She goes, oh, the manager wants to meet you too. She wants to meet the comedians, like this and that. So they're all great, great staff, whatever. And then we go over and they're like, all right, we'll take you up to the rooms. Everything's perfect, ready to go. The only issue is there is no air conditioning in your room. Now John's looking intently at his phone. I have a little concern.

I'm looking up where are the Poconos. Where is Tom Quick? Is he too fast? Is he too slow? Who knows? So we get there and she says, there's no air conditioning in your room. You're like, it's all right. It's not August.

Well, luckily it's 91 degrees and we're in the third floor of an old house. Now, it's not their fault. So you're not at a hotel at all. You're at a house. We're in a house that I can in. Like a bed and breakfast. Like a B&B. Like a JB&B.

Not an Airbnb. I feel like Airbnb hasn't reached the Poconos yet. No, I don't think so. I think they think that's like Democrat stuff. Airbnb is like, no, we don't have Apple products. No, sorry. They're all Androids. Airbnb is like, no, we don't sell Jordans here.

Sorry, that's terrible. Okay, we're getting there. Just keep running. No, there's no airport here. There it is. Okay, well, that wasn't it. Found it. So they say no air conditioning.

Whatever, no big deal. It's a nice room. We get up there and it's nice. It doesn't feel too bad there. So we pick the windows up and we're like, right we'll let the air flow in she told us that it gets into the 60s at nighttime you'll be all right again that's exactly what i would tell you if i worked at an airbnb that i knew was a sauna i'm like don't worry it has gotten to the 60s before it has it has we've it's been the year 1960 or before. It sounds like it. Not too long ago. So we get up there and luckily, all right, I don't want to sound like I'm shitting on

this. It was a free room paid for by a great person and the hotel in was great. He's not listening. All that being said, our toilet did not flush. So I just had warm piss. The one thing toilets have to do. I mean, toilets have one job. There's one job.

Make things go down. Flush my dookie poops and flush my peepees. There's one job. Make things go down. Flush my dookie poops and flush my pee-pees. That's all I ask. You don't have to flush the peas. The peas can sit. Well, and sit they did, John, because I had probably four white claws before going on. Just hanging out. You're chilling, whatever.

Had to go piss. Girlfriend pisses. I piss. It really was just a disgusting. I'm not going to say the word pee again. There's at least one listener, though, that's like, I'm into it. Yeah. Go on.

Talk more about piss, guys. More detail. So all that being said, we go down. We hang out. The headliner's Chris Roach. He's hilarious. His feature, Dennis Rooney, also hilarious. Go up.

Set happens. You know, it's one of those take it or leave it kind of guys where you don't like how you did but you talked to a couple people and they're nice to you about it and you're like it can't be that bad one of those type of deals yeah so i was like all right we did good we tried our darndest uh feature went up killed headliner goes up and killed uh so the worst is like when someone comes up to you and goes i thought you were funny and you're like oh okay yeah that's the one i luckily at that point don't even talk to me i didn't get that i got just a lot of you get a lot of like the mid ones where they're like oh i do remember you

but i don't remember you in a bad way you were the guy that told me about all the other comments that's right yeah that's right uh and you know i made a couple jokes and i learned that that area has some very significant political leanings and you know probably very left right i assume just a bunch of libs uh it was the Antifa comedy show. It was a great time. No, but it was a good time. They're sweet people. The inn, again, was great.

We did get back up to the room and find out that only one of the windows had a screen on it. So there were several bugs inside of our room at this point. And it was also kind of still hot. Also, at that point, you have to piss out the window. So you're like, well, good thing one of them doesn't have a screen. I mean, at this point, we're just sink pissing. and wait you opened a window and didn't notice there wasn't a screen uh i don't know who i is i know it was my girlfriend who just says i don't look for screens i just live life how it occurs to me and and i'll say this very intelligent woman but

not when it comes to screens apparently one of the smarter people i know not her brightest moment and screens are not her forte i mean you want to talk about people who don't listen to this podcast. We are good to go. At least this far in. I'm pretty sure my wife hasn't gotten past minute 32. So that's where the real talk comes out. My girlfriend has gotten to minute 32 of episode one. And she actually did tell me she got about ten minutes into the first one.

And she's like, I listen to this fucking guy talk all the time. I'm not going to spend any time for it. So anyway, let's tell you how terrible Matt's gone. So shit on our time. You know what she does? She loves Shamrock Sun. So let's shit on both of them. She loves shaking it for Shamrock Sun.

Well, all right. Well, Shamrock Shake. So we wake up the next day, and it's nice. We go to this bagel shop, and we're kind of hanging around, and there's an art gallery. I will say I think I saved a life. I don't know for a fact but the next morning i think i know i saved it with my comedy i saved a life i got this great bit about not killing yourself and somebody emailed me emailed dm'd me i don't

know the next day and was like i was gonna do it but after i saw you on stage i said hey life isn't my life's not that bad it can't be worse than this fucking at least i didn't drive out to the pokémon three and a half hours to tell a bunch of sillies to tell a bunch of jokey poopoos so the next day we go out get some bagels walk around the area it's nice it's cool place it's like it kind of looks like haddonfieldy a little bit but like older like a little not as well maintained i guess i would say hadfield of the mountain if you will it's weird how like mountain towns look like they're always 15 years behind whatever trends currently going on yeah i have family in upstate new york that i don't even know if they

get podcasts up there so i can say this freely i don't think they're listening if they are i love you guys if not i'm pretty sure I remember like the Macarena came out in what 96 when you were born I remember like 2000 they're like you guys hear about this new dance craze

yeah that's like I mean they're like you gotta check out this new guy Howard Stern you are gonna love him I kind of envy that where you're like every time I go up there

this is like way upstate New York in the mountains and you're like yes everything's just I'm happier when i'm up here because you're disconnected from just bullshit you really worry so i am envious of that it was it was cool and it's back to your story no yeah it's true it's right it is like you are kind of

away from everything and that was largely because i didn't have cell phone reception um but yeah it was cool so we walked around and then saving a life i'm walking we're walking down the street we're coming back from this bagel shop that we were at and as we're walking down we just hear like oh is this life a dog life it is a dog's life you saved a dog don't say i saved a life oh dude you saved a dog dude i saved a dog's life and i would save a human and I'd save a fish. But you didn't do those other two things. You saved a dog. Anyway, sorry. Because I saved what's in front of me to be saved.

A lot of people. Look, I don't pick and choose. As James Bond, I don't pick and choose. I don't pick and choose what presents itself to me. Dude, people are calling me the Jesus Christ of saving. Of saving? Of savings. He sounds like you're running like, come on now, I'm the Jesus Christ of savings.

I'm one of those that show couponers and just saving. Discounts so good, you'll think you're the son of God. At the Gloucester Premium Outlets. Come down, and I don't know why we're southern in New Jersey. It's close to that far south. It's actually pretty, what can you do? But so we hear the dog, and my girlfriend has had dogs her whole life. Not that I don't give a shit about dogs if they haven't had one, but I was like, oh, yeah.

We've all had girlfriends that have had dogs. All right, fine. Sorry. I hate to rub it in. So she's like, we've got to do something. So we pull up, and then we drive back around the street probably three or four times. So eventually it's been like 20 minutes, and it's just like a dog. You're circling around around and you're running over

the same dog every time you're like i keep hearing this cry well no i thought it was one of our clients for the kidnapping business but it was just turned out that's actually our code where if you start yelping in public we're like there he is there he is our paying customers so we eventually go back and as we go over to the dog i'm like looking around the car he's like panting he's really in a bad shape like it feels pretty bad like a dog in heat outside yeah but you're not supposed to leave the dog in the car it's got crap he's in the car sorry okay yeah he's inside of the car i probably should have said that i don't think i ever said that you said in the car i talked over it oh never mind so the dog is deep in the car panting cracked windows it's not good my girlfriend looks

up a dog and this is a psa if you leave a dog in a car on a day above 75 degrees for longer than six minutes, it can be fatal. Okay. So, it's been about 30 minutes. So, we got some work to do. That's just, that's the hero you are, the James Bond hero you are. That's what it is. As soon as you hear the cries of a dog, you start a stopwatch on your phone immediately. And when we saw him, he was probably in there for about five minutes and we just kind

of let 25 minutes go by i'm trying to think of things to do so what i do we're playing that game where like one person's hands are on top of the other and we're seeing if she flinches but we did that for 25 minutes yeah so uh we're going to walk over to the car again god bless america we're going to walk over to the car again that's our new national anthem uh we're going to walk over to the car again god bless america we're going to walk over to the car again that's our new national anthem uh we're gonna walk over to the car again god this story's not interesting and you have to finish it i know it's nine minutes into the longer i get into it by the way i did do a comedy show the night before it went well did i talk about that you're like jokes anyway whatever so savior uh so yeah so as we go to walk over to the car there's a car behind them that's been there the whole time and it's a couple with their dogs and they're like yeah we've been here

for the past like 25 minutes like they're the owner hasn't come out this and that and it was just the woman in there and then the she's like my husband walked down the street to the police station to go get an officer to go take care of this so then the husband walks over and he goes yeah it's the police station he said he's coming back with like one of these uh crap like the thing to crack a window if he's got to do it a hammer yeah no i don't know i said he's coming back with uh what do they call him a rock another dog so he's coming back with a key to this car because it was his come back with a key to this car because it was his. Come back with a quiche. Like a – not slapjack. The jack, like the Jimmy thing. Unlock a door.

Not crack a window. Unlock a door. No, he was like alluding to like they take like a baton. Oh, okay. I understand that. I have a pocket knife that has a tiny pointed end on the butt of it. It's actually made for if like you're stuck in the car drowning, I guess. I don't know.

Okay, as you often are which fun fact if you didn't know this i saw this on like that like life hacks thing if you take your seat belt and you put like the buckle part yeah through your fingers and like punch toward a window window it'll crack a window huh or if you can't that the headrest if you take a headrest off you headrest off, you always wonder why they're pointy on the metal part. It's for that reason. So you can smash a window with that. That's true. Or to conduct electricity.

Yeah. Or you can take it off and make a field goal on road trips if you're playing paper football. It's great. It's better for that. Die if you're drowning in a car. Your life's not good after that. It's really not great. Paper football, best sport ever.

Go on. PF. So, saving dogs pf chunks um so the guy was like yeah we went down to uh get a police officer and um then we left and it's kind of dull i'm assuming the dog's all good wait hold on you started this off with i saved a life. Yeah. You might have alerted someone that a dog is dying. Listen, John. Big difference. You are no James Bond.

I'm not here to play God. I'm here to save dogs and get the job done. No, you're not. You didn't do those two things. Dude, I drove around five times. What is... I did loops. Dude, I'm almost certain the dog's okay.

Dog's dead. So rest in peace to that dog. Rest in peace. It always cracks me up when someone does leave. You see it so few, but when someone does leave their dog in a car, it cracks me up that you have that much love for the dog that you want to bring it wherever you're going. And especially now, you can take a dog anywhere yeah oh yeah especially in this place like yeah like anytime like i feel like if i had a dog i could bring it into any store around here yeah and even if someone gave

me shit about it i could lie and say it's a service dog oh yeah yeah yeah also you can just buy this is a fun fact i looked it up before you can just buy a vest that says service dog for your dog. Yeah, what are they going to do? I mean, other than like if you're flying with it, no one's going to check. Yeah, and you do have to put it on your dog. You can't put it on like a friend. No, yeah, like put it on your friend or just, you know, have it and be like, it's at home. I swear it's a service dog.

And then like when she's like, why do you need him? And he like break dances and you show that, calm me down. But like to have a dog and love it that much. And also you're like, I really just got to go into this bar and get drunk. Yeah, I have to. I dog and love it that much and also you're like i really just got to go into this bar and get drunk yeah i assume that's meanwhile that person was probably like they were had their dog with them and someone was like hey mom's dying right now you got to get to the hospital the worst part is this is a place where your hardest decision is like what time do i want to start drinking today i love that you you deliver the beginning of this with i saved a life because i thought it's one of those stories that when you

talk through it you're kind of like i'm gonna murder a dog you know those stories you tell where you also don't know like here's the flip side of that that dog could have been like a real problem yeah and that person could have been like look i don't have the heart to take them to the kennel to put him down but this dog keeps biting people and it keeps like, it's a problem in our neighborhood, it steals it robbed a guy

and what I'm going to do is, the humane thing for me to do is I'm going to leave it in the car I'm just going to go into CVS for two hours and come out. I mean, John is a little bit alluding to fucking gassing out your dog As opposed to

Putting him down That person You don't know that person's journey You don't know I don't think we need to know I'm saying that That dog could've That dog might have killed

Five children And they were just like This is the noble thing to do And you were like I need to save this dog But Not that bad They gotta stick around

To see if the dog's actually You know what? I think you're completely right. So if you're in Milford, PA, please write into us and tell us if there's a recent dead dog found in a car. Oh, that's going to suck too if you do come back to it and like your window's busted and your dog's dead. And your dog's dead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, dear Lord.

You're not going to pay for cremation bills also a new window I think it'll be cremated at that point it was fucking 90 degrees that day I will say this and this doesn't apply to it because it's like if the wife is listening this far I haven't done this but

as a new dad like when I've been out running errands with my daughter in the car windows fully up, air on. I let her get the AC. I treat her nice while I'm driving. I'm so used to still – I'm only – I'm less than a year into being a dad. So I'm still so used to like hopping out of the car, running to Wawa, grab a drink, come back in the car and go. Yeah.

I haven't yet, but it's always like where I get out of the car and I'm like time to go in and I'm like nope human in car like oh you gotta bring her in if you're going in a while

you can't leave a kid in a car what if the air's on no there's no so here's why think of like how bad it was that dog was in there

yeah now imagine if like even for 10 seconds someone walks by and they see a less than a year old baby in a car yeah

they are smashing every window. Oh, yeah. Even after they get the baby out, they're going to kick every window in. What do you – so we're going to like – They're going to key it. Not to say – of course, you'd be willing to do this to your father. No, you take her out and carry her in. Like with your – just in your arms?

Yeah, I'm very strong. Very strong. You're one of the strongest people. I can carry 20 pounds for up to three and a half minutes. Oh, let's do it. I don't want to brag. I'm a runner. I carry her in my legs. well that seems difficult but but no it's like you you do still like because there's still those

like tendencies just muscle memory where you're like i'm gonna run into wawa i'm gonna go get a sandwich and a drink i'll be out in three minutes but then like as i open the door i'm i'm see this is what makes me realize that like i'm not totally fucked up in the brain is like something triggers where it's like – because especially like if she wasn't making noise or anything back there, like not that you forget she's there, but you're focusing on driving. I kind of forget a little bit. I can see. Yeah. I still – oh, shit. You know what?

What's that? She's in the car. We're going to wrap this up. I'll save her. It's my forte. I'll wrap it up there. we're gonna wrap this up I'll save her it's my forte

I'll wrap it up there but it's I do I get those moments where I'm very glad that I'm clear headed

because I'm like oh yeah get baby bring baby in with you put her back in the car I would absolutely forget almost immediately yeah

and to wrap it up very quickly because she is in the car I left the air running she's got a lot of toys you didn't give her like treats and like water

or whatever well treats yeah a bowl she's a human so yes oh yeah think it would give her like treats and like water or whatever well treats yeah a bowl she's a human so yes oh yeah actually not a bowl I have one of those

hamster things I meant like a weed bowl it hangs in there it's actually an acai bowl I'm very oh it's a poke bowl you do live in Collingswood

so yeah it's a poke bowl we're very we were forward thinking and by the way this is they them we're talking about yes

yeah there it is it's not how Yes. Yeah. There it is. It's funny how They Them is appropriate, but It is offensive. I'll tell you what's inappropriate. We can do that next week.

It 2, one of the worst movies ever. Alright. How long ago? Jesus Christ. We're doing this. Wow. We're an hour and a half.

That's what happens when you talk about saving things you didn't save. Well, I'm saving Private Ryan this weekend. Come see me live. You didn't save

Ruff Ruff Ryan. Well, he's barking yeah we don't know what happened this episode back on the sauce we're cooking you got anything you want to promote what do i want to promote i'll be in uh virginia beach the next three days for work oh i got excited virginia beach and didn't tell. But next week I will be in North Carolina for work. But then when I get back from work. Also, another work trip.

Yeah. August 18th I'll be at Helium Comedy Club for the first ever roast battle there. Yes. Come out to that. I'm excited for that. Do right now. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited.

I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. I'm excited. You're going to do a live helium roast battle, and you're going against the most beloved. You're fucked. There's no way I'm going to win, which is okay. It's nice to get a little face time. But if you were going to pick two comedians to go against one another from a likability standpoint, just looking at them, I've got to be on one side of the spectrum, and Lemaire's on the other side. Yeah, you alluded to it there. You said it, but it's La Mer Lee.

You look like the guy that bullied La Mer for all of high school and all of your 20s. And then now is La Mer's chance to be like, I'm a fucking comedian on the rise. Yes. What's up, you fucking job turd? I look like I bullied La Mer

into being good at stand-up. Yeah, true. I made him develop a skill from how mean I was. Which means you need to carry that over and continue to bully him. I just got to keep bullying. Also, fun fact, I realized this. If you don't watch it, watch the show AP Bio. It's on Peacock.

It's on NBC. There's a guy that looks exactly like La Mer. There's also a guy that looks exactly like if Matt was very fat. Okay, well, I'm working on it, so I will get there. I might cut that out because that's going to be a great Instagram post the day of the battle. Okay, okay. Sorry. Fair.

August 18th. Oh, yeah, so August 18th we'll be at Helium Comedy. Buy those tickets out because that thing's going to sell out. I do, too. Because everyone in Philly Comedy is going to be there. I'm very... I'm hoping there is a plus one list and I'm on yours. Anyway.

Bang, bang. We got comps on comps. Maybe. Actually it might. I don't know. So and then August 27th we'll be at the Ghost Adventure. Ghost Harbor Creative. Ghost Harbor Creative. Which the guy running the show is the one that didn't vote for me in Roast Battle

last Monday. But John's a good dude. He came down and judged Roast Battle. No kidding. Seems great. I'm excited. That will be fun. I'm excited to go to Asbury. Asbury. And then what else do we have? October 5th, I'll be at a God, I've got to really read this one.

I'm going to actually say it. I'm going to look at it. We're going to talk. October 31st, I'll be trick-or-treating. September, I'll have lived in my apartment for a year. Hey, so come. Hey guys, show up to Matt. Now Matt's address is We have loosely talked about doing A year party Just so you know no one's ever had

A party to celebrate renting an apartment For a year Well you know who will Johnny Matzabal I'm not mad at it I'm here Well how about your invite was just rescinded Live on air So if you guys want Matt's address please please reach out to me in your DMs.

Tuesday, October 5th, I will be at Wilson's Barbecue in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, doing a cricket comedy show. And for now, that's what we're working with. How about you, Big Jay? Let's see. Coming out. This will come out. Yeah, so do you write your tag live this Monday. Loveable Monsters storytelling show in East Falls on 813.

That's this Friday coming up. Come out that that'll be fun. It's all storytelling show, all based around things that have happened during the pandemic. So I'm going to be talking about having a child during the pandemic. Which luckily is also my bits that I have for all of my stand-up right now is based around that. As far as?

Like Matt said, 827 Asbury Park. Other than that, again in my notes it says available for booking. I love you. So if you want to book us on your show, we'll definitely come and have fun we will be there we'll have fun and we will not be the worst sober okay that one also too maybe because daddy's back on the sauce he's saucing we're running miles are happening Tom quick in have a good one You're fun, nobody, your purpose time is never better You're fun, nobody, your purpose time is never better

You're fun, nobody, your purpose time is never better