That Rules Podcast - Episode #12: Tik Tok Tallyband (Keith tUrban)

Episode Date: August 21, 2021

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🎵 The time is now. The place is here. And the podcast is on, baby. We're here. We're two of the thickest bitches in the club. And you might say, two? I only hear the voice of one. Well, the second person is to my right. If you're listening, it's to your left. It's old Johnny Matzabal, my co-host. John, how you feeling? How you doing?

I'm feeling good. I wanted to see how long you were going to just stretch that one out. And you didn't even say, this is our 12th and final episode because this is our 12th and our final episode we're gonna smash this computer that is not even mine we're leaving the country we're moving to afghanistan and we're starting a new life here it's pretty good i hear it's good for dudes there right here it's a good time well i don't think we fit the kit we're white fellas i don't really know what the t-band thinks about white fellas i i don't think they like us but the watch under like all the videos and look at all the pictures recently like when did taliban members just look like fuck boys from the middle east they all have like tightly trimmed beards

now they have like the persian guy that sells you cell phone cases at the mall beard but like a little bit longer but cleanly cut yeah they all have like really pretty eyes they're just like it's a a bunch of fuck boys came down from the mountains it's like a taliban rebrand it's like they got canceled and now they're doing like the crystalia like they're coming back and they're like hanging out with their kid well influencers and shit now like we don't even hit women that hard damn so it's basically just the taliban is just like middle east tiktok kids yeah it's like yeah there's tiktok kids in in like california you see a video where they're driving like a gold lamborghini and they're like wiping their ass with hundreds yeah and they're 11 and you're like

what did you do and like i don't know i just did this dance for definitely not for a bunch of perverts that have tiktok i made a bunch of money taliban tiktok ttt triple t would be one of the better things to do taliban i'm trying to think of something that is a tiktok well they're coming out now and they're being all like um they're like yeah we're not who we used to be like like somebody that cheated on their girlfriend they're like we're not who we used to be we respect women now yeah they said that day one and then like day two it was like women are getting beaten and murdered at a like drastic rate yeah well they try to be all nice at first and like it's like like i said they're rebranding like they're this new cool group where they're like we love swimming or whatever and then like in the background they're like beheading journalists or whatever have you been watching the videos they've been like taking and now it's funny because

like back when the taliban was big the only footage you ever saw is of like they released you know in their first album yeah uh like in 2004 ish right when after 9-11 yeah it was like the only footage you saw was either news footage or something they released so it was like usually just b-roll now it's like the b-roll is just all cell phone footage like the one i saw was like like six of them just in a local gym yeah and they're just using the equipment and none of them know how to use the equipment like they've been just like hucking rocks around in the mountains for 20 years they came back to town and they're like yo first thing we gotta do first thing gotta get a pump we're gonna be cool to women now second thing i'm gonna go catch a sick pump real quick a lot of news conferences coming up we're

gonna be in front of the cam yeah gotta have a good pump third i gotta i gotta hit my barber those guys and i watched it too they don't know what the fuck they were doing you could seize a country before you know how to do a lat pulldown yeah that's what that video told you the best thing i saw it was uh on reddit and it was off a suggestion uh chingill said if you just put the boys are back in town over the footage of taliban taking over cabal i watched it and oh my god it's the greatest thing ever it just looks like the beginning of like a 90s sitcom okay i gotta watch it they're all having the time well then like the video of everyone clinging onto the plane which i'm sure we're the first podcast to talk about this yeah we're the first some of the people looked like

they were like really not happy but they're like running next to the camera like hey like shaking their hands and everything they're fucking hanging out dude i think if you i don't know i because i i've been traveling a lot the past couple weeks and if i didn't like they made me check my bag have you been getting in the plane or you've been gri a lot the past couple weeks, and if I didn't, like, they made me check my bag. Have you been getting in the plane, or have you been gripping onto the side? I've been hijacking it. Hijacking it? Oh, boy. Hijacking it is just when you smoke and end up jerking off in the bathroom.

Hijack is just how I greet people named Jack. Hey. I'm going to kill myself in a public setting. That would have killed in 2001 at a comedy club the day after 9-11. So what's up with all this hijacking business? club the day after 9-11 so what's up with this all this hijacking business i'm i'm more like when i see a guy jack i more say yo jack you know what i'm saying what's the deal with death to america what is what a seinfeld impersonation that was perfect we went from dice clay to southern retarded seinfeld i don't know what that's uh like preview guys in seinfeld i don't know yeah that's uh like pre-pubescent seinfeld pbs is that what i've been donating my money to is pbs yeah pbs organization dude pbs actually

makes some really sick docs yeah they're one of those ones where like you had to watch it and there's always like the teacher didn't want to do something and they put on a pbs doc and it sucked because it'd be like the real soft talking guy and like in this heaven getty. Yeah. It's either that or that same documentary is just great now as an adult where you're like, I need to shut my brain off. Yeah. When you were a kid, you're like, I just want to see boobs and can we learn math?

I don't know if the, but I guess National Geographic, you could probably have some boobs in the documentary there, but. You can get like monkey boobs. Yeah. But yeah, it was always like the substitute teacher would put one of those on you're like i'm definitely gonna go to sleep i mean well the substitute that's what's funny is the thing teachers then they put on videos and you were kind of just like oh nice they're just like looking out for us you realize now it's like they just went out the night before oh and 100 was like blitz yeah we found out uh where all

the teachers drank um from my high school there was a best western like right down the road like from my high school yeah but it had a hotel bar and so uh all the teachers that's where they would drink like last day of school and stuff like that yeah because they were like no one's gonna see us here like no parents like that's gonna be the worst thing ever yeah if you're a parent or you're a teacher and you run into a parent and you're just blitzed and you're like your kid is your kid's fucking dumb your kid sucks nuggets or like the opposite like you know what she's gonna be really cute when she grows up but yeah so we found out where it was and i don't think we ever ended up going there when they were there but uh i don't know where i was going with that

just people drinking and they put on the videos and they drink at a fucking best western did you go to school in fucking kentucky we talked about i went to school next to the town you grew up oh shit yeah we talked about though because like i love a hotel bar i think we discussed that before hdbs i love it especially like you just got done traveling right did you hit a hotel bar i stayed on your travel suites i stayed in hampton inn so there wasn't a hotel bar okay it's like the guy that i traveled with stayed in hotel suites. I stayed in Hampton Inn, so there wasn't a hotel bar in sight. The guy that I traveled with stayed in a fucking embassy suite. So I took him to his hotel first. And I was like, well, this is beautiful. And then I went to my hotel after.

And it was not similar. Did you not book your room? No, I did. But it's a whole different situation. He gets to do it through different ways. I don't know. I can't. I don't know if I can do a good job.

He's better than you. He's better than me. He's thicker than me. He actually isn't. He's different ways i don't know i can't i don't know my job he's better than me he's thicker than me he actually isn't he's a old i don't know he's gonna listen to this podcast be furious he's 62 years old nice and he knows what podcasts are that's cool he's like i've heard the rumors yeah i keep up with the trends dude he's just he comes out you you land and you're in like your work, and you open the door, and he's in off-white Jordans. He's in jogger pants looking cool. He's just like, all right, young fella, you ready to go to the hotel bar? He rips a vape pen. What are the cool kids talking about these days? I need to finger someone.

It's been about a month since I got caught a wrinkle on these fingers i'd love to get a good prune going on the road that's so funny to think that there's an older guy who's so out of touch and he's like well what are the kids like fingering right i love the idea of like a guy that travels for business and when he's packing he's like well i gotta get my good jeans you know oh yeah he's in my he's in my i might get laid jeans. Ever since my wife passed and I started hitting the road again. Dude, how much do guys over the age of 50 love tucking in their shirts? I understand it. How so?

Well, explain it to me. I don't know. You know what the problem is? It's all guys. Now, if you're in shape and you do it, it's such a power move. Okay. But you got to be in really, really good. So this is

coming off of that uh the race i told you i did so the previous episode we talked about it yeah they put the pictures out online and like there's a couple where it's just like oh yeah it's not flattering when you're running and someone takes a picture of you yeah it looks like i'm walking first off we're gonna power walking but what i found that was like i went in i was like i feel like i'm in the best shape of my life yeah and then i saw a picture of myself running shirtless in a pack of people and i was just like that's not me so it was at that moment because i was like sometimes i'll wear this little this is so gay this hydration belt oh that's awful and sometimes my tank top lacks i get tucked into it and i'm like you know what i think i respect the talk oh my god but

then you realize like getting back to it it's a total power move if and when i ever get abs yeah then i'll start tucking my shirt in and maybe wearing a belt i'm gonna cinch it just to be like but then like i think like in shape older guys have to be gay no can you be in shape when you're over the age of 55 and you are yeah you Yeah, you can. You can just be the cool dad in shape. I think the in shape dad isn't the cool dad. I think the cool dad is just like the one with the huge gut who buys you beer and calls your 16-year-old lady friends hot. Yeah, that's the cool one. And he's like, you guys can smoke in my shit as long as I can get some trim.

I'm like, stop calling it trim. What the fuck, your dad? Did you know? My roommate. I'm just kidding. By it trim. Who the fucking dads did you know? My roommates. No, I'm just kidding. By the way, happy birthday to Big Cat. Yeah, straight up. Your dad.

Big shout out to my dad. Do you think that's just the tuck, the shirt tucked in? How do we go from Taliban to tucking in? Talon tucking TikTok. TikTok and Tally tucks. TikTok. Oh, there it is.

There's a good bit. TikTok. TikTok is just dads. Dads. It's a bunch of dads and monarchs with their shirts tucked in and they're tucked into like wrangler jeans from walmart and they're not a band they just do live tiktok dance performances it's just them telling you the best angles to mow a lawn just like giving you advice about your roth ira do you think the tuck originated from like back in the day like because as like time has gone on common clothes like it used to be a lot more dressy like even i remember like seeing pictures of my dad my uncles like they're playing

shoes other than sneakers were like church shoes like they would just you wear a pair of like essentially dress shoes to do everything yeah and then they would get like a pair of sneakers. Now it's like sneakers are the standard and it's just going down. So do you think back then it was like you had to tuck in? Yeah, I wonder where they originate. Was there ever a function? You know how it's like certain things originally had a function and then they just became stylish? Dude, there's probably some weird shit where it's like everybody worked in a factory and if you didn't tuck your shirt in –

True, you got stuck in the gears. Yeah. Dude, everything you had to do then was to not die there's no like there's nothing you could do for fun because having fun back in like the 1940s if you had fun as a guy you were gay immediately and they would burn you with the steak like what's he so jolly about yeah they saw a guy leaving the coal mine he's over there skipping men weren't allowed to skip back then every once in a while like they had a good skip for no reason a guy a guy in the 1930s gets home from a long day of fucking living through the depression and he's like i gotta blow some steam off and just skips

around this shitty apartment in his driveway just skipping back and forth into like old-timey music i think about that like when i go out for like a run i'm like i'm gonna go jog like my grandfather would have been like who the fuck are you know then and back then that wasn't like dudes were just still in shape like my grandfather smoked cigarettes yeah he was in shape everywhere but his belly like he had that like essentially just half of a beach ball belly yeah but he was like a trim slim guy he was a gym teacher like in south philly for years and like back then like every dude just they didn't do anything but they kind of were fit yeah yeah maybe it was from pulling dudes out of the gears at the factory guys that got their shirts stuck i think it's from actively watching their friends die at their jobs

dude i bitch if i have to stay on an hour later and they're like i watched three of my closest also your stay an hour later is on your couch i didn't know it's in my bed i've been trying to write about that like if my grandfather when he was 35 came back and saw me now he'd beat the shit out of me yeah like from like what i do day to day what i drink what i eat i'm like like i drink almond milk yeah he would beat the shit out of me. I love hard seltzers or any fruity drink. And the joke I've been trying to write is like, my grandfather used to just drink Boilermakers. And I was like, I don't know what goes in a Boilermaker. I assume motor oil at some point.

Yeah, there's got to be some. But it's like, yeah, if my grandfather at 35, I think if my dad at 35 looked forward and saw me now, we'd just be bro we'd be friends like oh yeah because he was a party boy like he lived down the shore for a long time yeah no yeah i think my grandfather he was at war before he was 35 i can't even imagine like what would we talk about like but that's you know what's even funnier and you could throw that in there the average height of the american male is like three or four inches tall so you just tower over

him fuck he's bigger than me. He's fucking. True. Every picture I've ever seen of my grandpa, I'm next to him and I'm three. Yeah. So he looks huge. Yeah, yeah. Damn.

I wonder, he's probably a tiny guy. Bring those fuckers in. They're five, eight. I'm giving that bitch a wedgie and I'm sending them right back to the Great Depression. That is too. Like when they show like the cockpit of like World War I planes, you're like, how do people fit in here? And they're like, oh, six foot, you were a monster back then. Yeah, dude, because they're all 5'4".

That's why they're all angry. Everybody's grandfather is an angry guy because he's been fucking 5'6". But I guess you get to take out the steam, put hands on your wife. Jeez. I think that was before the podcast you already mentioned, hitting your wife in the 40s. Listen, I didn't advocate for it because I'm not married. Is that why? Yeah, so that's why you'd want to time travel.

That was the joke you were talking about before. So we can't be total hacks and steal it. Stole it from somebody. Somebody said that it was hilarious and good, but what can you do? We're stealing jokes. We're living pods. We're stealing jokes. We're coming off of an awesome evening last night.

We are, aren't we? It was fun packed. We can break it down layer by layer. So, Deer Tag did a live show, first live show at Helium. Podcasts started off, then a roast battle, and then just a good hang.

And I think I said to you, I was like, that's from start to finish, that's the hardest and most consistent I've ever laughed or a show in a comedy club. Yep. Like in a, you know, it was from the podcast. They had Cody Wright on as a, as a guest, which was fucking murderous. Perfect.

And then the roast battles, everyone just brought heat. Everyone brought their best jokes. And I think we were saying too, they hit so much better because they were in like a real comedy club yeah yeah and then amidst that roast battle one mr matthew carl peoples carl jr carl jr people's carl your middle name that's a junior i actually do that's actually not a joke my dad's middle name is scott and my middle name is scott no yeah but i meant, I don't know. Oh, yeah. Different first names.

Yeah. So you're Matt Scott Jr. Yeah, dude. Yeah. That's what it is. Well, Matty Scott Junes, peeps. Junes. He tossed up a hard erect W against one Mr. Lemaire Lee.

Listen, guys. Philly's favorite. Not Philly's funniest, but Philly's favorite not philly's funny but philly's favorite comedian guys lamar lee it's every once in a while you took down the prodigal son of philadelphia comedy right now i did it you know what i did i did it for the little guy because it every once in a while which i rocked it up lamar is the little guy he is a sweet guy look every once in a while you got to do one for the lower tier fellas and you got to beat somebody who's much funnier much more likable much more well connected than you are doing doing just better in comedy just much further ahead sometimes you

just got to take down people take them down a peg you know well peggy o'leary was there true there was a lot of great philly comics there and I'll say this this will be the gauge of who listens to this in Philly comedy I was talking to Jackson last night after it and he had a good point

he was like man I loved seeing this because he's like this was a show of everyone that grinded during the pandemic that still put in

work in comedy and it's showing now so like Drew and Naeem are the perfect example of that I met them right at the beginning of the pandemic pretty much

when I did Hacks. And then they were just like two guys that had a podcast that did open mics. And then they got the opportunity to do Raven. Then they got this opportunity and I think crushed it.

I hope this is something Helium picks up and they just put it on maybe their slow night or whatever like to start off because for what the crowd was there it was just thunderous laughter. Oh, yeah.

If that room was full, people would have been pissing their pants. I mean, it would have been fucking crazy. I think by the third one, you're going to have a 75% full room. I hope by the second one because I think I'm on the second one. Okay. Dude, I mean, it's just like you said. It's fucking cool. Both those guys are great they are hard

they're like the type of guys where you meet them and you're like man these guys have never tried anything in their life just the way they just naturally funny yeah naeem had a good point of that he he said when i was on their podcast last week on do rag and deer tag check that out if you're listening to this matt was on like five weeks ago six weeks ago both great episodes and you can watch them on youtube so check that out um i looked at the computer like they were there's a zoom they were uh was oh naeem was like i never believed in that like show up first and the coach will notice you and all that stuff and i was like yeah because you were probably a very natural athlete yeah and i was like and you're also a naturally funny person so like it transcends i

was laughing i was like i was the kid that had to show up early so the coach even remembered i was on the team well they are both what i meant by that i kind of sound like i shit on them a little bit no no i didn't yeah i meant like you wouldn't think they're like these hard-working dudes because of how low-key and chill they are yeah then you're like oh they're up at like two or three mics a night oh yeah running their podcast you're doing all the shit putting in all the work all the work you need to yeah they're working their ass and it's fucking paying off and i felt like well it's hilarious and i don't mean this is a slight to them the not the thing they're not best at that i've seen like stand-up is not the thing they're best at that i've seen right out of them now they're new to

stand-up and they're hilarious comedians yeah they're really good but like the podcast they put on is just like incredibly funny and then running roast battle like it's funny that that's like they're two strong suits but then comedy is the thing that's driving all like stand up is driving all that made any sense no they're good at everything i mean that as a compliment we're saying they're good at everything but they're just so good at running a podcast that it's like, it's almost like it's the forefront of what they're doing. Right. They really do.

I mean, there's no lulls. They know how to pick guests. They fucking have the videos and shit. Yeah. They really are. They're good, sweet. And we shouldn't, sorry, we're also neglecting to mention there too, also Rob Cruz, part of Do You Ride In The Theater.

Bobby Cruz, the new addition. He's the newest addition. He's been there for a couple months and just brings murder. I love, Rob texted me today. It was it was just like hey did i bomb last night really just and i was like no man i was like you're great he's like he's like be honest and i was like no you're great i'll be honest at the end you ran out of gas but you also just did an entire hour 15 minute long podcast yeah you were drinking and then on top of that yeah your parents are that's stressful enough yeah you're running back and forth getting things drinking and then on top of that yeah your parents are that's stressful enough

you're running back and forth getting things ready and then you have to judge roast i was like that's so draining it's exhausting all right good that was basically it so yeah shout out to him also my roommate shout out to roommates leaving to go get drunk z any parting words you want to give to the cast before you leave all right oh my god are you sig piling as you leave what is happening he ladies and gentlemen he just shoved an old woman to the ground in the hallway yeah and i told him no more of that i said that's enough but back to your roast battle it was fucking awesome yeah it was cool dude it was uh um i don't know i don't know how much there is to say like it just was like when you do and i think this is most of the people this on the roast that night look at

the same way nobody really cares who wins like it's fun right that's like a in your brain thing to win but really it's like oh i hope we have the funniest roast yeah the two people yeah when john and i did it we kind of talked about it before we're like well we just want to have the funniest sort of put on the best show we can and have fun at the same time nobody really gives a shit who wins it's just kind of like that's why it's tough when you go up against someone that you really don't know yeah i mean i guess like you you know lemare and like you know of everything he's done but it's like you're not buddies you know i mean like you guys don't hang out so yeah it makes it a little bit. That's where it gets like a bullying situation, which was pretty fun to watch.

It was a little bit of bullying. But that's what you get to do when you're a comedian. You get to sign up to kind of be mean to your constituents. And they can do the same in return. There was a couple people I was talking to at the bar afterwards. And they were like, I was saying, I was like, I have like a handful of just row strokes written in my phone for just random people. Folks, it's not a handful. I watched them scroll for genuinely 10 seconds yeah it was a long scroll but it's just

like any funny thought you've ever had or like when you're just standing around bullshitting after a show and you make fun of each other and i'm like i should write that one down just in case it's ever a roast and i can reuse it like the one i used on you the uh poster boy for uh white privilege like that was just in us bullshitting in a mic and I wrote it down and then used it in the roast battle. But yeah, as I said that, I was like scrolling and I had like some, I don't remember who it was looking at me. I was like, oh, this is fucking insane.

Okay, that's right. I get it now. From a bird's eye view, it's terrifying. This is terrifying. I'm writing like your dickhole smell jokes about people I've met once. You're like a school shooter with a hit list that's like not that impressive. Yeah. You keep talking. I'm going to get some water. It's a B-team

school shooter level, but listen, it's just me on the mic. Johnny Matzabal has quit the podcast in real time. I think what it was is, and this is what a lot of people have been saying lately. Zach, still out here shoving that wood. Enough, dude. Seriously, how much do you need to shove? Well, you don't know.

But we're vamping. What do we talk about when we're vamping? What do I like? I had a burrito yesterday, Chipotle burrito. And when I ate it, I promise you, when I got done that thing, I said out loud, man, that was good. So I think we discussed this before. There's now two chipotles within delivery distance yeah and one of them is a really dog shit chipotle sure and the other one

is awesome and brand new yeah and i always forget which one's which when i'm ordering because i think they're like both cherry hill both well not that we live near cherry hill john can't give away the address true we uh 14 cherry hill road cherry hill New Jersey We commute to Chipotle's We live in Langhorne, Pennsylvania Is that a place? Yeah, it is Dude, Pennsylvania You have better town names

Ask me where it is Everyone in Pennsylvania Loves counties Like I've never been like I'm from Gloucester County Delco, Bucks County Shut up Everyone loves asking

What county you're from Yeah, no You're from a town Who cares, dude Also, I love I say this like a double-edged sword but state pride is like one of the dumbest things ever but then whenever i leave new jersey i suddenly have this like yeah because everyone loves a shit on it but to have county pride that's fucking you either

you need to either be mentally challenged or live in west virginia which kind of goes hand they're kind of the same thing. Yeah, I mean, it's just... Well, so speaking of... West Virginia people love their counties. Yeah, they must. They love their cousins, too. They do it on that...

You ever watch Rough and Rowdy? Counties and Cousins. It's the barstool boxing thing. Okay. They do county versus county, and they'll be like, I don't know about you, Boone County's got nothing but sister kissers

and guys with no teeth. And then a guy from Boone County comes on, and he's like, Hawthorne County's also got sister kissers and boys with no teeth. And I'm like, hey, maybe it's because you guys live right next door to each other. There's nothing different between the two, the 45 minutes you live apart. And the two people were saying that were sisters and they've kissed. The one guy, his nickname is the teeth collector too which was hilarious because it's like i think he was missing like 12 yeah yeah yeah it did so so that's funny you mentioned so i was traveling for work the past couple weeks i was in virginia and then i was in north carolina

and not a lot of people know this but north carolina is below virginia i didn't know i didn't know that i didn't know that most people know but I had to like do the in the row in my head I didn't know that I I honestly DC is essentially Virginia yes and I thought so I thought North Carolina was like more inland here's something even crazier do you know North Carolina above South Carolina no that's wrong a lot of that's a big misconception I think it's uh yeah either way so you go to North I was was in North Carolina, and one of the places we were at was in Marion, North Carolina, which is like real like bumblefucky. So like it's like – dude, we went there – I was there on a Monday. It's funny when a town that has a dog shit name also has a – like there's Marion PA. Like Marion Country Club is like one of the richest areas ever.

Yeah. It's like when you hear that there's a nice Camden somewhere. Yeah, like that's a fucking – Camden, Kentucky? Oh, and they have mansions you're like yeah um but uh so i'm in north carolina and like i'm in total bumblefuck north carolina and it's the type of place where everything's closed on mondays just because they all decided they don't want to work on mondays like it's like that type of setup the guy i'm traveling with does not like humor. I mean, I tried several attempts at humor and I was bombing.

He's too busy trying to finger. I don't get time for giggles. He was looking for a sneaker boutique. So I spent a lot of time with this guy and he just, not a big humor guy. Doesn't like fun very much. Like at one point we were driving past like a trailer park. And he's like, oh, look at the trailer park back there like kind of alluding to like it's weird seeing one and i was like yeah probably not a lot of teeth back there huh mild-mannered okay throwaway joke yeah

and he looked at me and went like an indian burial ground and i was like what you're dealing with somebody on the spectrum he was like the indians they would bury a lot of things and one of the things would be included. He's like, actually, I have a collection of arrowheads. Would you like to come back to my room to see them? I bring them with me when I travel. Did you get that through TSA? They're antiques. I have an antiquing license.

That's amazing, though. He didn't even. That's when you should have just leaned in and be like, yes. Let's now talk about Native American culture for the next three hours interested in a seance yeah but uh so yeah not a big fan of humor but anyway being in north carolina just like i i guess it's like it doesn't count because they're all white but i i think i have a prejudice against a southern accent southern accents are weird because they can either be really cool like savannah georgia that yeah that long slow like i'm from savannah it's the perfect word to say it yeah in the office he says say it like molasses is spilling out of your mouth and you're like oh

savannah that one sounds cool yeah but where it doesn't sound cool is like the guy in savannah that only has 16 because he's like i'm savannah the people they were kind of like uh it is tough because it's good on a girl sometimes too it can be attractive but it what sucks is and it's it's weird thing drilled into your head as soon as i hear a southern accent i think that person's dumber than me and i'm very dumb yeah and i used to work with like surgeons that are like geniuses and I hear a southern accent. I'm like, what are those fucking morons? I went to Harvard. Look at them and they're like,

I finished up my master's degree at Yale and we're like, yeah, look at these fucking idiots. Yeah, you always were rowing? Six years, bro. Yeah, these kids sound like morons. Yeah, you're going to hang. You sound dumb as shit, dickhead. You don't even care about counties around here.

Yeah, but anyway, so fuck them. So fuck the South. No, I'm kidding. We don't know. It doesn't break down our analytics into where in the US we have listeners.

Yeah. We know we're in like Korea and Scandinavia, but we don't know if we have any Southern listeners. We are.

You also look like every shitty Southern frat guy I've ever met. No, I don't. Your hat's back and your bangs are spilling out beautifully. I know it's a Bass Pro shop. I seen it. I already scoped it.

Dude, I don't even fish, bro. But if I wanted to fish, listen the fuck up. If you fish, if I ever decide I want to start fishing, you're fucked. Go ahead, John. Back to the South. Dude, what do they do down there? The South is funny, though like i don't know they're not funny i don't think well that's not true because the alabama comedians are funny dudes

yeah well it's funny though when we talk about this like hearing especially those guys like they all have a mix of accents and like some doing some don't yeah and then you realize like oh not everybody in alabama has a southern accent it's just like how up here not everybody has a shitty south jersey accent but a lot of people but it does stick out you know it's funny the people who don't have accents it does stick out in a couple words like you listen oh yeah alabama guys they'll throw in like a y'all every once in a while yeah but then it goes like for us where i'm like yeah i'm going home like it's like mine is uh yeah it'll be that or like people always call me out on them i'm like i'm gonna dry my body with a towel they're like

you need a towel i'm like a towel i said it right and i could say the smartest stuff in front of that i don't know what smart goes in front of i'm gonna go dry my body but anyway so neuroscience says that anyway guys i'm gonna go dry my body with a towel yeah you could give like a per you could give a ted talk and give you could sound perfectly smooth there you're like a weatherman where it's like you have no – people can't tell where you're from just from your voice. At the end, you're like, all right, guys. Have a safe trip home. God damn it.

I'll see yous later. I'm a big yous. Yous, dude. I'll see you down there as a big – That's what's crazy. I think y'all sound so stupid, but I say yous pretty often. It's until someone from outside the area points it out that you're like, that's not a thing I do. And then all you, like I say down there all the time,

like go down there to the shore. Yeah, you just go down there, yeah. Something like that. And I'd never hear it until, I think my cousin moved to Minnesota and he came back and was like, you really, actually I think he listens to this still. Yeah.

He was like pointing stuff out and I was like, yeah, but you still have it. He's like, yeah, but now I hear it when I come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I've met a decent amount of Southerners in my life and they're all good folks one of my best friends is girlfriends from alabama what do you think's the smartest sounding accent now that i oh because i'm trying to think of it this is good accent i'm so glad you fucking asked me that question john i'm putting my hat back on so i can get ready for this because they always talk about like the

the news anchor they have the most neutral they say that there's like an area in the Midwest that produces the most neutral accent because it's a combo of everything. Yeah. So you hear a weatherman in Seattle sounds like one in Philadelphia. Like their dialect – damn, I just nailed that word – is very taut. Okay. Very taut. All right. And so yeah, I remember hearing that, that they do say that the Midwest –

now, Midwest also can be, like, weird, like, Chicago accents and stuff. But, like, I think Midwest, like, Ohio-ish area. No, Ohio's got an accent. Because they're, like, close to Minnesota. I might be making this up, but I think that Ohio's nowhere near Minnesota. Yeah, huh? No, it isn't. Dude, yeah, huh?

Pull up a map right now. We're closer to Ohio than Minnesota is. What did you just say to me right now? We could drive to Ohio in five hours. We could do it in eight. I'm driven to Columbus. Five, because it's right on the other side of Pittsburgh. All right, USA map.

But while you're looking it up, I could be making this up, but I remember, actually, it might have been Tony Hinchcliffe might have said it. He was like – Dude, what the fuck was I thinking? Yeah, you're an absolute moron. I was thinking of Michigan. Yeah, not the same. Oh, that does – yeah, it is.

Michigan is kind of close to Minnesota, but Ohio is nowhere near it. Then I'm right. So you're saying I'm right. No. Or you feel like I'm right. Even if I'm not right, you feel like the way – No, I feel like I was 100% right. No. Or you feel like I'm right. Even if I'm not right, you feel like the way... No, I feel like I was 100% right. Dude.

Google Columbus, Ohio to Minnesota. You're going to raise a family thinking like that? Because I think you have to cut across Michigan, which is tough because it's the mitten

and the peninsula thing. We were having two... Oh, we got geography montage. Both of us were having two different... Oh, yeah, it's the mitten. You don't remember?

Tell you you remember it's Minnesota. It looks like a mitten. Dude, who remembers Minnesota? If you ever... Or not Minnesota. Sorry, fuck's Minnesota. It looks like a mitten. Dude, who remembers Minnesota? If you ever, or not Minnesota, sorry, fuck, Michigan. If you ever talk to anyone from Michigan, they'll tell you like their references.

Like I live on the thumb of the mitten. Oh dude, it's like Italy's the boot. Well, we're kind of like the, where we live is like the butt of, of New Jersey. I always thought New Jersey. If New Jersey's face, if the face is facing east, we look right in the butt cheek. We look more like the penis, don't we? No, I'm saying if it's the backside. So face is the ocean.

I always thought the way it faces towards Pennsylvania. Kate May is the hang down penis. That's the penis. I always thought it looks like Frankenstein. If you look at the top, like if you look at Tom's- Because there's that straight line. Well, it's the back and then it's got the face and it's got a nose as you're going like more inland to the united states inland new jersey yeah what's up technically we're in new jersey uh but either way so we're talking about yes smartest accent dude every movie you watch well yeah i'm an american sorry but yeah but you know yeah right yeah korean

and i'm not gonna try a korean accent yeah do it let's hear it hey y'all yeah i miss my i'm from korea south korea southern korea and they're sort of like dude so they talk about all the time like there's there's a lot of uh japanese people that live in australia and have australian accents and they were like it fucks your head up the first time you see it. Yeah. You're like, wait, what? Yeah. It's like when you see an Asian kid speak like

he's African American and use the N word and you're like, wait, what? That just came out of your face? It's like a lot of Indian kids feel like now are really like. It's expanding. It was,

and it's never going to be white people can say it. Yeah, it's okay. We'll set this one up. Unless you're down south where you are. They scream it. Whatever you want.

So smartest accent you're going to say British, right? It's always – dude, it makes me so angry because British – I don't like British people. It's a default on your series. So that is a good point. It is the – I don't like British people. I don't trust them. I don't trust them as far as you can throw them.

I don't want to throw them. You know what? I love like the down and dirty. So it would be essentially like the delco people of britain like the cockney like the gutter i love that talk i love that was actually fucking perfect can we see the rest of the episode in british accents i think we might have to all right well do you do a dialogue all right i want you going on about my dude they rap now like bing bong tin mo su.

And then, like, their fucking droids. Dude, I got really into rap battles. I think I've mentioned that many times on here. And then I got really into the UK rap battles. And it was hilarious. Because it would be, like, references. Like, they would come over to the US. And they'd be like, I want a bum bum on a down down.

And you're never even going to know. Because a toolie's in a muley. And their rap name is, like, The Queen's queen's gambit yeah and the other rapper is just like these are just shooting the face are we going out for a sandwich afterwards like what is happening and he's white too oh what's the guy's name uh mac miller organic not organic i can't hear his name orgasmic no but uh he's on my phone i'll play i'll put it at the end of the episode i'll put one of his songs that's one of those things where i like and i know it's totally i wonder if you can agree with this i feel like i could go i appreciate that i feel like i could go to like a

whatever like a bad area in britain or england wherever they are and feel safe and i know it's not it doesn't make sense yeah i just think everybody in the United Kingdom isn't as, like, hard as an American would be. And I know they are. Like, I know they could shoot me. It's weird. Like, then you watch, like, those – I don't know. They're movies. But, like, Green Street Hooligans.

You ever see that movie? Elijah Wood. And it's about football firms, so football gangs. And those are the kind of guys that are – they're essentially just crazy Eagles fans that follow soccer teams because they'll, like, punch you in the mouth, drop the hat, no problem. Like, they'll always – whenever you see the internet knockout videos where, like, one guy takes on seven guys in an elevator, it's always a dude in a track jacket zipped all the way up.

Yeah. And you're either, like – he's either Russian or he just lives in the gutters of England. Yeah, so that's a good but that's another good point. So English people, I feel like I can go there. And I know this is a bold claim. I think I could kick everybody in England's ass. That's what I'm saying now.

If you're interested in England. Shoddy Horror is the rapper's name. I'll put him at the end of the episode. Oh, dear God. Shoddy Horror, big shout out to him. I'll try to find a verse that is like, I don't understand any of the references. Where he's like, I had a boot on a tule with a goo. And I don't want to do that no.

They have weird – like if you're from Ireland, you listen to them talk and you're like, that is not English. Yeah. Like – But I'm sure they think that when they hear us talk. It's not funny that I think that like an American accent is like – I don't think an American accent exists. We're the best. We rule USA number one. But it doesn't make any sense because – and I guess it's's just i know it's just because i'm thinking from like a very

ethnocentric perspective good lord was that good dude ethnocentric yeah i always thought that meant you're being racist so it does okay well it kind of uh but uh i just look at it as like okay because american sounds very bland i'm not even like drumming up an american accent it's very bland and then they're like, instead of saying hello, the alarm, it's like, yeah, no,

dude, Australian. Well, the Australians were just the British criminals. The Australian, I was going to say the foot. It's so funny. Cause like British accent,

smartest ever Australian might be globally the dumbest accent because I've never like thought of the Australian accent and thought of it coming out of like a rocket scientist it's always like a surfer or a guy that lives in the outback with a buck knife i'm just thinking of outback commercials yeah steakhouse yeah no rule just right also if you mix rocket fuel and he's like explaining yeah i'm like just talk about blooming onions you idiot yeah because they're all they're all criminals right they're the criminals from england most of the women criminals got sent from england to that island when it was colonized was there a lot of lady crooks back no it was i watched the whole i actually have been getting

real in a bit pocket a lot of big pockets she said no to me sexually so we sent her to australia so we put her on a boat let her sail to seven seas she's out there kangaroo she is like sydney yeah also guys we're available for acting gigs if you need flawless british we are still sifting through a lot of audition opportunities but we'll get back to you i'll pause for a second all right so british smartest accent yeah australian or something southern's dumb louisiana like that really dumb creole cajun that might be one of the dumbest so so yeah british is definitely smartest french is definitely like most pretentious oh yeah like french yeah you can't even if like you're speaking beautifully you sound like a prick yeah you sound like a dick yeah because they don't or

i also don't like that like french words don't so like spanish at least spanish words this is so dumb we're not lingual at all yeah spanish words at least kind of sound like american words so you can get by like france like my daughter has a toy that says like things in three different languages so it'll be like uh orange orange orongo and i'm likeongo? Where the fuck do you get that? Oh, no. It's elephant is like, whatever it is. It's not even close. Something's not even close. Yeah. And you're like, oh, yeah, I would be totally fucked over that.

Nothing. I mean, so, okay. So, yeah, French, pretentious. Spanish is like probably one of the most more attractive ones. It depends. So, like, Spain Spanish is like, yeah, it's sexy. Although, if you go to Barcelona, they have that list thing. Barcelona? one of the most more attractive ones it depends so like spain spanish is like yeah although if you go to barcelona they have that list barcelona i love that have you ever seen a pop star the andy sandberg movie no oh he's got a song where he's like talks about that accent and oh please

watch pop star tonight it's amazing all right but he's like uh he's, I'm in a beef. We're going to eat some. It's really good. Andy Samberg, big shout out to that guy. That movie. So it's all Lonely Island guys. Yeah, the best. It's that movie. I'd put it up there as in my top five favorite comedies of all time.

Damn. All right. I'll have to check it out. My sister really liked it. It's really, it's one. And it's funny. They have the soundtrack. After you watch the movie

you'll listen to the soundtrack and some of the songs are like they're with like real musicians they're only island songs i have decent so like i've ran to that soundtrack before yeah i'm with it i'm okay all right so i'll check it out so we're back all right report back as we're recording episode 12 on tuesday on thursday we'll probably record episode 13 on Sunday. You have nothing else to talk about. Accents. Russian most intimidating. The hat forward. Sorry, the best version of hat forward. You turned into a whole

new person in this. You're like, accents. I don't trust them. I don't like them. I'm not curious about them. At any rate, Russian is the most intimidating. Russian, so in the same way that I feel like I could kick any English person's ass, I think any Russian person would be the fuck out. Top to bottom, too.

Like, Russian people, I almost think, like, when you see a Russian person, you can't determine from looking at them their social status in this world. Because they all just look like they're right in the middle. Yeah. Like. Yeah. They all have the same outfits. They are not allowed to smile yeah and they all can bench 325 pounds without being muscular yeah they're all just like kind of normal built guys but they're like they're like this is not heavy yeah this is light for the baby baby Baby make weight like this. This is crazy.

That's actually... Dude, we might be... Are we just knocking it on Axel's open room? We're the delectable, dialectable boys. There it is. And that's what it is. That's hard to say. The delectable, dialectable boys.

The diabolical... Also diabetic. Also got type 2 diabetes. Delectably diabetic. That was one of the... You ever see that commercial where the guy's like, do you have type 2 diabetes? Yeah, it's Wilford the southern ever see that commercial with the guys like do you have top two diabetes yeah it's uh wilford brimley he looks like a walrus he also used to sell uh quaker oats is that true yeah wow shout out to wilford he's got me long dead huh uh probably from diabetes i'm assuming yeah i don't think you got it

i was talking about that recently we can get back to accents but I was talking about sign up for another running race and everyone's like oh what are you running it for and I'm like me I'm selfish I'm not doing it for a cure yeah so the one was like you can do it virtually but you still have to pay $50 I was like oh so I have to pay you $50 to do the run I do all the time by myself and then my friend was like oh I think it goes to cancer research and I'm like at this point I'm sick of donating to cancer because here's my theory. Okay. If we ever cure cancer, do I get a return on my investment?

Well, you get the cancer, you do. True. Fuck. That's the biggest return on – What are you fucking crazy? No, I want cash. I want them to be like – I want them to be like, all right, you got in early.

You were donating early on. You got in at a good price point. We've cured cancer here's four thousand dollars and then also they have to cure my cancer hey here's your daughter's wedding you can live to it yeah fucking also they could pay for it now with the return i get from donating you should just die it's gonna be it depends upon where um damn dude if your daughter gets married in a barn i'll stop talking to you either barn yeah that's yeah dumb no i've just had to make sure i was like was i married no i was i was married a golf course like a goddamn hard-working american like a real like you're

supposed to like a real russian-american um accents so here's russian is scary russian scary russian's aggressive i won't say scary like scary is like when you hear, like, Scandinavian. No, theirs is quirky, kind of. You know what's kind of crazy? You think, so like, when you think of an accent, you associate it with the most, like, notable person from there. Yeah. So, like, we think of a Russian person, we're thinking of just, like... You can't think of a Russian person.

I can think of a fucking Russian person. Vladimir Putin. Okay. Yeah. Maybe the most famous Russian. Maybe you don't. Well a fucking russian vladimir putin okay yeah well maybe the most famous russian maybe you don't well you know what it is that's you don't think about them because they're all the same exact person yeah i'm trying to think of a russian no no because you got like alex ovechkin he's my idea of a russian that guy's head is shaved like a box that's good and he has that accent he parties he's missing teeth he's a hockey player you think i'm describing and you think of like britain you can think of a bunch of different British actors, fucking characters, like James Bond.

Yeah, who's your go-to when you first, if I say British accent, who do you think of? Hmm. It's actually hard. Getting put on the spot and have to remember who's British and who just is really good acting. They gotta be, I mean, like, I think of, like, I think currently for me, it's because I've just watched my bunch recently is idris elba okay yeah he's got and he almost has like a little bit of a cockney like bit to it yeah there's a movie 100 streets that he's in and it's like so my buddy said it the other day he's like it was cool to

watch idris elba finally be able to speak in his normal tongue in suicide squad yeah because you used to seeing him in you know the office and shit like that and the wire and i was like oh you gotta watch hundred streets because it's like from 10 years ago maybe and like he just goes hard on it with that like he's a former footballer i nailed it there i'm not gonna say soccer player man well he might actually maybe in a former rugby player in this but he retires and he still lives in the town yeah so everyone like still like praises him he's like all that i just did the thing where i run the boat and i do it all the time a bowl's nothing but really totally like cockney is that weird thing where it's they say

things like it just it's rhyming cockney so i'm trying to think of like an example i'm trying to just watching the movie snatch and what they say yeah we'll be like did you get the fuck i can't think of an example but so okay well look up cockney rhyming yeah you know what we're talking about but so all right this is my grander point so there's there's people you think of and that kind of represents how the accent would sound from there when you think of the country of germany who do you who do you think of i think of christoph waltz the actor oh yeah from inglorious bastard that guy's fucking sick he is like my epitome of like when i think of german i think of him too probably hitler it sucks that's who you associate with you think everybody in germany just like yells yeah like they're actually very like soft-spoken pleasant people yeah but then

like they learn the first time you know what's funny is like the people's first thing of american is for some reason it's always john wayne and that also goes back to like whenever people from another country do it an american quote-unquote accent it's southern yeah and it's a cowboy accent meanwhile 99 of this fucking country isn't cowboys no yeah well that is true because they will say it's either they'll do southern like i've watched videos of like foreign people doing american accents yeah it's either southern new york or california yeah you get a lot too like when they want to uh depict like a fat american you get minnesota back to minnesota where that's like oh don't you oh yeah don't you know that's really canadian oh yeah it is it's it is but whenever they want to portray like a fat american it's never it's not always like a southern fat when it's like that cheese eating i do like cold weather fat even

and in other countries when they're trying to depict like a racist person they even they know it sounds southern they're like oh yeah meanwhile little do you know international listeners we have racists literally everywhere we have all shapes and sizes of racists. We have a broad spectrum of racists here in the radio. Accidental racists, on purpose racists. You ever fall into – I fall into accidental racism way too much and it sucks because being a very white guy, like I look like a lot of people that are racist. Yeah. And I'll fall into just accidental, who is it it has a joke about it where he's like sometimes

it's never even like you're just like huh they play frisbee and it's like you don't mean to be it is it is i forget but i fall into that all the time yeah where i'm like you know why that person cut me off because they're from russia i'm not gonna lean into the really obvious stereotypes and i'm like no you don't know that that person is just a bad driver yeah that's the thing and that's that's old so i guess i'm gonna really talk about this one delicately bring it back in so when you do accents now it's disrespectful if you do like an asian accent it's disrespectful because most people can't do an asian accent without also doing the eyes and not saying you have to pull them. Show me someone that does an Asian accent and doesn't squint their eyes when they do it. That's fair.

It's almost impossible. It's like rubbing your stomach and patting your head. So that's blatantly rude. Okay. But what I, and here's how I've thought about it. Doing like an Asian accent sounds funny. Now hear me out. Hear me out.

It sounds funny because you're not thinking of an Asian person saying things like that. You're thinking about saying American words in the dialect they do. Yeah. You're thinking about, so we talk like this, but it would be funny if we were saying that same sentence in an Asian accent. It's so funny to watch you tiptoe around it. Just because no comedian's ever been canceled from an Asian accent. I think they're golden. Okay.

Yeah. Which I think he actually guest spotted with Chris DiSteffano punchline last night and i will be there tomorrow are you gonna oh nice maybe uh you can rip your asian accent i'm saving i'm not doing it to not be disrespectful i just don't want to burn material on the podcast just in the middle of the in the middle of his show just start yelling out do an asian accent this would be funny if you were doing it in an asian accent discuss would be funny if you were doing it in an asian accent discuss how you feel but it's so funny because it is like you like there's no problem with us doing a british accent and i'm sure our shitty british accents offend someone

if we were doing it to them it's like when somebody tries to do like the northeast accent or like the philly accent to you and you're like stop like you don't get it that's not anything like but it's not to the point where like i don't think we'll ever get canceled for doing a british or australian accent well i think it's because they assume it's also not an oppressed people they think they assume it's a white person but what is there could there be an asian guy in england i will say so that threw me off when i was younger and this is totally my little grew up in the suburbs brain the first time i saw like a black guy with a british accent yeah i was just like wait what like that happens and then you're you're like oh yeah that's it

makes sense because oh yeah it's every like everyone of every race is everywhere but that's what like we were saying they say in australia you see an asian person with an australian accent or even i think down in mexico there's a big contingency of asian people that are like fourth generation speaking fluent spanish yeah it's just hilarious but so that's what i'm saying so if we did a british accent could an asian guy in the united kingdom who hears that go hey man and i'll appreciate you making fun of the accent then does it matter then is it bad if it's just one guy yeah then you're like sorry. But then if it's a whole group of those people who are like, don't do British anymore. It's like, shut up, dude. They can't tell us what to do.

The Brits, they tried to tell us what to do, and you know what happened? 1776 happened. We sent them packing, baby. Yeah. Oh, dude. British people packed. Don't start yet. No, it's a tough time right now as a white guy to say the number 1776 because it's been

chanted at mall at malls like with people just filming on their phone like i saw a video the other day it was a guy on the subway and he was just arguing with a lady and then this had nothing to do with race or anything he was it was the argument was it was an older lady and he was yelling at her so it's like an ageist thing okay in the middle of it he just just starts going, 17, 76. You're like, dude, this has nothing to do with that. That's like someone doing an Eagles chant at a Phillies game. You're like, this has nothing to do with that.

You're using it against the wrong people. We do it against the British people. We go hard against the British people. Yeah. That's who we don't like. Oh, that would be great if we were playing U.S. versus England in some kind of sporting event. Probably would have to be soccer

right rip them and everything else yeah if it's well they don't play there's no well I guess there is English baseball and stuff

English basketball I actually don't know if there's any English professional basketball players yeah I'm sure there is there's gotta be

that's a foul no and one that's pretty good I was just gonna start doing FIFA that guy in FIFA is like he's also my person I think of when I think of like, kind of cockney. Yeah.

The FIFA announcer says, Didier Drogba. Yeah, I've heard, I've never played a lot of FIFA, but my friends did. He's good. Yeah. But what were we getting? Oh, so. Fuck, what were we talking about? Oh, sports. so fuck what were you talking about oh sports if we're if it's US vs England

and the entire US crowd just starts chanting 17 76 that's like perfect that's also the worst chance cadence the final score

is US 7 Britain 6 and we're like written in the stars right there sorry we had to do it to you again are British people

good at anything yeah they're great at soccer are they really they're bad at teeth I would really they're bad at teeth i felt like they're amazing actors some of the british like what always kills me i was saying earlier you just held but i didn't know he was british for the longest time yeah and then you hear him and you're like oh shit like you some people can do an american like he did a

not he didn't really do baltimore on the wire, but he did a perfectly neutral English American accent. Yeah. Just American accent, I guess you want to say. In English. Fair. I'm sorry. I'll replace. Okay.

All right. So yeah, that's crazy when you hear those people. You don't hear that the flip side where it's like an American and you're like, oh, I always thought you were British. Yeah. Unless like when Madonna randomly got a British accent. Oh, Johnny Depp. I thought Johnny Depp was British for the longest time. That's a good point.

Yeah. He does a lot of British accents for some reason. Yeah. I don't really get it. Just pirate British. Now I'm thinking of like in... Obviously Pirates of the Caribbean. He's a pirate accent there. It's a little bit of everything. I don't know. I just noticed that in most of the movies

I've seen him in, for whatever reason, they're like, we gotta get Johnny in another British accent. He's got to do somewhat a vaguely British accent. Yeah. Yeah, because I'm thinking of Sleepy Hollow, the Ichabod Crane, which I think that took place in England, the original story. But you can do it in an American accent. No one's going to be like, you know what? This movie about a headless horseman is dog shit.

They did it in an Ohio accent. That's so funny that was like a scary tale for the british people and a scary like american tale is like a demon lives inside of my body and it's terrorizing my house like we're like all right dude fucking chill it out over there like yeah but this guy right here's got a pumpkin for a head dude what what what so that's accent talk that That's dialect. Welcome to dialectics. And we're going to get new Ebonics right now. Delectable dialectics.

What was it? I need to remember this for the title. Delectable dialectics. All right. It's a tough one. Delectable dialectics. We're not going with Taliban TikTok for the title? Taliban TikTok title?

We'll see. I mean, we have careers, for God's sake. True. Very true. And we'll be back on the next episode very soon this will come out hopefully tonight the thursday night now we're just talking analytics sorry people we're gonna go over numbers uh speaking of our numbers yeah we wouldn't be anything without shamrock shakes shamrock shamrock sun

is the summer winding down and you're like man I should stock up on sunscreen for next year listen folks the globe is heating up as we speak we might be having summer we don't know December might be 97 degrees this year you want a white Christmas

how about a white hot Christmas you pussy and you don't have to be sunburned Might be 97 degrees this year. You want a white Christmas? How about a white hot Christmas, you pussy? And you don't have to be sunburnt in December with Shamrock Sun. Sunburnt in December sounds like the shittiest fucking alternative band from 2004. Sunburnt in December was actually the album from the Decembrists that they never released. Is that a real thing? No. Oh, that actually sounded real. If you just throw out like random bands, like you've always heard the band.

You ever heard that Decembrists is a band no i haven't so they're always like that one that i'll throw out where it's like a lot of people will be like oh yeah i know them and i can't tell you one song i've never heard that's like uh i'm trying to think of someone else you can throw out there like like oh that's uh that's that was on that album from uh modest mouse right like yeah yeah yeah because they don't look like an idiot i too know modest i think this is the second episode where we shit on modest mouse dude we'll shit on everything we'll shit on modest mouse dude yeah if you're not yeah if you're not a british hardcore rapper or you sell sunscreen don't fuck with us that's the only people we want listening to this

dude shamrock sun a great battle rapper from ireland yo you know who needs so much shamrock sun sun sunscreen holy shit that's hard to say shamrock sun sunscreen is uk battle rappers because they're mostly in basements because they don't see the daylight that often it's foggy over there they're already pale overcast and then they come over to the u.s and they're in a battle in miami yeah good luck and they're just gonna go get some copper tone yeah dude they need to get a big ass bottle which you can they could even you know what they don't have to necessarily get just one they could have it all they can do it monthly uh i almost said prescription you get a monthly you get a prescribed this medical sunscreen you get a monthly netflix prescription yeah i'll go i'm going over to miami i got medical sunscreen you can get a monthly Netflix prescription yeah I'm going over to Miami

I got medical sunscreen gonna be lighting up Julio from Miami I got Sonny from my body you know

gonna be a bit of a rap battle over there I wanna go spit bars 16 bars damn I'm gonna watch

as much British rhyming cockney movies as I can until the next episode and I'm gonna come in with like so many good like i got a dog in a pogo i still can't think of them it's all rhyming stuff and i can't fucking think of an example yeah it'll be oh you know who does it perfectly uh evan williams if you

follow him on instagram he's been doing these videos throughout the pandemic of uh a lot of them i think it's called. And it's like he does basically a Jason Statham scenario. And he's like, did you take the poker down to the rolly roll? And that means like, did you take a joker? I don't know. Fuck, it has to rhyme. I don't know.

All right, forget it. But Shamrock's son. Shamrock's son, baby. Shamrock's on Sean's screen. Dude, do me a favor. Rub this shit all over your naked body put it on the parts that aren't gonna see the sun okay put it on and then put a t-shirt on put it on your t-shirt yes you know what and also you can go on the website and just get their

t-shirts they got long sleeve shirts they got visors they got hats and if you don't feel like paying full price if you go on there and you're like i fucking refuse i am sick and tired of these boutique sunscreen brands taking me for 100 of the money i gotta at least get 10 off what can you do to do that matt shamrock son the official partners of the Taliban I've never seen anyone in the Taliban with a burn they're golden brown I sure have not I bet you they're not dying from skin cancer over there they got other fish to fry

so go on Shamrock's son type in Taliban in the promo code see what works if that doesn't work you can type in idiot that's I-D-I- i o t idiot for 10 off that's right if you type in taliban you might get 100 off they're like dude we're just sending it yeah whatever dude holy shit what if if shamrock's on god forbid i don't think it's ever gonna happen you guys because you're a quality organization yeah if they ever go out of business and they

just have to like sell off their extra stock and then one day we just see a taliban video and the guy's got a shamrock son long sleeve t he's got a fucking sunny hat on he's rocking and rolling it's like when you see people in like third world countries wearing the team that lost the superbowl shirts yes the bills t-shirts from the 90s and he's just got that and a shamrock son hat on for a thousand percent off that was a russian accent right yeah that was a flawless kazakhstani accent that's right kazakhstan yeah damn a lot of stands over there all the stands stands the whitest name ever we neither of us can think of another country who's beckistan pakistan pakistan who's beckistan uh tahikistan russia stan russia stan stan stan i wrote you but you still ain't calling

i just think it's fucked up you don't answer fans. What if they all, instead of going by the short name, it was Pakistanly? There it is. There's the name of the episode. Pakistanly. Pakistanly. It's like Flat Stanley. Did you have Flat Stanley when you were a kid?

I remember. It's like Flat Stanley. Pakistanly. He's a fucking Taliban member. Dude, who is... How comeibandro talibandro pakistan pakistanly he's becca stanley let's keep going with it oh dude fucking wow all right that's unbelievable pakistanly how is africa africa how has somebody never done like an eminem pakistan video where it's just a guy in like a turban like fucking wait why german what no what you said it's in pakistan but it's a guy and he's german no no no it's a guy you know the song stan yeah eminem yeah it's

like a video he's wearing a turban oh it's turban yeah he's like yeah what did i say i thought he's a german go on dude keith urban is a pussy urban then turban dude keith urban for sure straightens his hair keith turban he's a taliban member but he's got a little bit of country swag to him so he's got a turban with like the brim of a cowboy hat and he's got a little bit of country swag to him. So he's got a turban with, like, the brim of a cowboy hat, and he's got a belt buckle. What's a Keith Urban song? I don't know. Tonight I... Oh, fuck you!

That was John! I'll bleep it out. Damn, Keith Turban. We've got, like, nine episodes of this podcast. Keith Turban is on does the Taliban even wear turban I don't really know what a turban is

alright well put in Taliban Drew into oh man shamrockson.com dude unbelievable you're gonna love the way your skin burns

it's nice if we ever make it it's good to know what we'll be canceled for. Just know when we're doing it in real time. I definitely do have to bleep out. All right. Well, I'll cut that.

We probably will. Anyway, Matt, what do you got going on comedy-wise? Yeah, I mean, how fuck it was this hour four? Hour two. Oh, my God. Did we have decent-sized cocks? What do we got going on? What do I have coming up? Today's the 17th, right? Oh, my God. Did we have decent-sized cocks? What do we got going on?

What do I have coming up? Today's the 17th, right? No, it's the 19th. 19th of August. That was a blistering hot day. You didn't leave your apartment today, did you? That's right. You're getting off on a tangent.

No, I did it with Starbucks. Okay. What do we got? This Monday, me and Big Johnny Boy, Johnny Ball Games, will be at the Raven Lounge doing riffing on a prayer. What's it called? Riffing at the Raven. Riffing at the Raven. With the aforementioned Do-Rag and Deer Tag fellas.

Run by those guys. So come out. Check out your boys. Check out me largely doing my act uh while i'm up there and uh what else so that's that and then asbury park coming up yeah 27th uh ghost harbor creative that's right uh maybe taliban members that we don't know you have to show up to find out that's what they say you have some friends there and then what else what else september i don't know that i have anything going on if you're a book made for stuff in september

yeah book us for stuff in september and october and then when we're canceled in december we're good i definitely do have stuff in september i can't think of but uh this thursday coming up i'm gonna be at a brewery getting hammered brewery i don't know somewhere in fucking jersey that's here's the best thing where can they find you to find all your dates that you're gonna oh i got right ship bottom brewery i'll be there this thursday at seven o'clock shit bomb october 5th i'll be in bensalem pa damn mr i'm Booked has now got more shows. Yeah, well, I'm so hot. But yeah, you can see all my stuff. I posted Matt Peebles Comedy

on Instagram, Matt Peebles Comedy on TikTok Taliban, and Facebook Matt Peebles. John, what do you got? You can catch me riding Matt's coattails on some of these shows and just showing up and going, can I just do five? Catch him riding dirty.

Ghost Harbor Creative is the next thing I'm doing. I think something in Philly in September. Stay tuned. Monte Comedy on Instagram. Hacks Comedy Golf. And you can find us

at handsomeidiotspod on Instagram. Follow the page. Like our pictures. Men, send us full body nudes. And now, enjoy this dope-ass track from Shorty Ora. Let it rip.

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