That Rules Podcast - Episode #13: My Chemical Bromance

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

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🎵 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 13th. Bad luck 13th. Good thing because it's our 13th and final episode of the Handsome Idiots podcast. I'm sitting here on a gloomy, doomy Monday afternoon-y evening with what some would describe as the tallest man to ever have pants this short. Mr. Matt Peebles. Folks, let's face the facts. My dick is hard.

We're out here. We're starting off with a bang. It's so hard that on a non-visual podcast, you can just tell how hard it is. Yeah, listeners, I said last time, you know I'm hard. That's really the reality of the situation, but even more so than being hard, I'm here. I'm both H's. I'm triple H. I'm double H. I'm here to kiss. I'm hard. That's really the reality of the situation, but even more so than being hard, I'm here.

I'm both H's. I'm triple H. I'm double H. I'm here to kiss. I'm here to touch. We are loose on a Monday afternoon. What is this? Late afternoon?

Early night? It's an eve, if you will. This is an eve. Pre-dusk. Pre-dusk and eve are two wonderful girls I made love to in college. Is this the golden hour right now? I think normally it would be a golden hour if it wasn't overcast and post hurricane true yeah it's the olden hour olden hour did you get really so i i love this sounds very autistic i love a good storm

we love a good storm but i get like really excited right around now because it's hurricane season yeah i think so i've been told yeah uh i mostly one get excited because i get to use the uh the gif of james franco in pineapple express when he says i thought hurricane season was over yeah it only works right now i can't believe you just used white privilege in weather to be like i love hurricanes and then a lot of people's lives have been upended but no because i don't know what it is. As soon as there's a storm, whether it's a hurricane, whether it's a snowstorm, my brain is just like, you get off school today.

Even though I'm a full-on adult. Snow as an adult blows pain. I remember when Sandy hit. I walked over to my friend's apartment. How is she, by the way? She hit hard. And luckily, I hit back pretty fucking hard. I thought you were walking weird for a little bit.

Yeah, she's in a coma. Oh, boy. God rest her soul. Sandy, she's in a death um god rest her soul sandy she's in a death coma some call it death some called a permanent coma i don't know um no when sandy the hurricane ironically enough uh hit i went to a friend's house i remember oh this is sad the only bag i had to carry beers in oh boy what year was sandy i was out of college yeah it would have been 09 i had a uh american eagle messenger bag a canvas messenger bag one strap satchel if you will and i filled that thing up with bud heavies that were in my my parents fridge for some reason yeah i

respect that walk to my lesbian friend's apartment it was just me and two very unattractive lesbians sandy no should i name it i had to really think there for a second i was like is it apartment it was just me and two very unattractive lesbians sandy sandy no should i name it i didn't really think there for a second i was like is it sandy it was uh damn i'm forgetting her name now i used to work with her great gal great friend and just we we were like all pumped we're like we're gonna drink we're gonna party for this storm and then grew up in south jersey sandy didn't really hit the east the western shoreboard nothing of new jersey yeah so it was a light rainstorm got blackout drunk till about three in the morning i remember walking home and the only damage like literally zero power lines down zero anything yeah a pretty big branch fell into the like

the uh entranceway to the apartment complex across you from my neighborhood yeah and me hammered out of my mind with an empty satchel just nothing in there but maybe a few crushed cans i dragged it out of the way and then did that thing where like you clap your hands together and i was like good deed done and then walked without looking in front of like two cars coming in opposite directions that almost made them swerve into each other yeah the idea that i was like i saved somebody's life by moving this tree and then almost killed two more people look no good deed goes unpunished as a phrase no so it's that that was my favorite so i think every time there's a hurricane i'm just like i'm gonna go get drunk in an apartment two of your lesbians i think susan that was her name

suit of course oh my god dude jesus look susan if you're still alive. I might send this to Susan. She's an awesome gal. Yeah, well, Susan, I've thought about you a lot. At any rate, Hurricanes. So this wasn't Sandy. It was like 2013, so whatever Herc that was. I think we had like...

That was a guy's name in that year. But either way, me and my buddy were going... Juan Carlos. Hurricane Juan Carlos. Juan Carlos? I don't know. Who who knows i'm putting my hat sideways this is going to be quite a pot we um so like i met my me and my buddy what we used to do to go hang out that's unplugged there we go baby i just tried to turn in matt's uh artisanal lamp dude tell me i didn't get that at ollie's for fucking 62 you spent too much money at o's. What are you, out of your stone for that fucking thing? That sounds like the tag for Ollie's.

What are you, out of your stone? What are you, out of your stone? Use discount code VNWORD. Just come in here and scream it. Dude, everybody in Ollie's has to be racist. Even if you see black people there, they are still... But that's good? $62 for that?

Yeah, dude. There's three bulbs. Yeah, one definitely doesn't work. No, one for sure works. What is it about an Edison bulb that is just... That's the term. Edison bulb, because it... You know, I've said it before.

It's deconstructed as cool nowadays. And that thing is deconstructed like a motherfucker. I can tell you, because in the corner of my eye, I can feel the lights burning my retina, because there is no shade over it. Yeah, those have chemo radiation in them. That's not a thing, but you get the point. That's why it was on discount. They were like, nine people overturned this, because they got cancer.

But it did fry, what was that we were growing them? But, so we, what we used to do when we were growing up, or not growing up, I guess when we were like 17, 18, is the big thing to do was to go to the gym that was like a hangout thing you do with your buddies didn't you just leave the gym to come here like it's not still a big thing your buddies weren't well i don't go with friends anymore that's actually a big that's a big transitional thing that is true to me going from teen to adult is like i don't like working out with people i don't need a spotter anymore no you know there's a machine for that look here's how i go uh for those who haven't seen me i am six foot six i am 230 pounds of lean muscle mass with uh you believe it or not i love books and i love like you look at me and

you go oh there's another meathead but then you get to know me and you go this guy's got more than below the surface yeah no what a piece of shit and then i fuck your ass so um yeah but uh so we used to work out god this story's not gonna be interesting no it's not interesting we used to work out we used to work out and uh we were leaving the gym and as we're driving back we're like looking we're in like the defford area of new jersey and we're like looking up and it looks like a menacing wait i gotta stop real quick is sniffing your nose after saying Deptford is like the perfect fit most perfect thing yeah it is we're in Deptford coke anyway what the fuck is going on it's pre-workout we're snorting that's just like stuck in your brain like you just mentioned the Deptford area and you just get a

cocaine nose yeah even though it's like a tick it's like a tick it's like people from camden they like tap their fucking forearms oh boy we're cooking with grease all right so uh we uh so we're driving back and we just see like dark gray clouds so we're actually on the way to the gym we haven't gone there yet and we're like damn we should probably turn around and head home what was it was it back day was it chest day uh chest day back legs we i was a big uh i was a big chest and back guy i would put him on the same day so much that's all i did yeah they call me turtle shell titty so that's pretty funny uh so we're like let's turn around we'll go back so we go back to his dad's house and as we're driving back like the the wind and the rain was like pushing my car like it was it was genuinely terrifying and we're on like main roads.

And luckily he lived kind of close. So then we get back to his house. Say his name, address, height. Anderstein, 124 Worthman Avenue. That's actually, all right. Well, you said the town two minutes earlier. No, he lives in Wisconsin. Sorry, our tens of listeners will not know.

Yeah, they're going to go see what's up with my fucking friend who lives in seattle now um so seattle wisconsin huh seattle wisconsin close to dallas pennsylvania so we go back to his house and his dad's like an older south philly guy uh and he's very like just like he's an older south philly dad who now lives in new jersey so that's just like you know everything about him yeah you know what i mean just a really good way of saying italian racist uh well irish irish oh yeah same thing so we get back to his house and as we get back to his house his dad's like this ain't a game no more guys i got my good 10 out in the back they had hosted a family party only weeks earlier and he had like one of those like fucking shitty sam's club tents that just have like four prongs and then like nylon to pop up things gonna pop up but

that's a good tent so he's like you two i can't do it i'm my years of that have passed me it's on you two now you need to go out mid-hurricane and grab it and we were like we sure would like to not do that yeah and he's like get out there now so we go out there we're like walking and like being pushed around like at one point he falls like down to his knee like genuinely like aggressive wins and we're just like pulling it out and we go to pull it out and like catches you in the chin yeah those things aren't easy to collapse in the best of conditions yeah i just had to collapse one two weeks ago at that race and i almost called my friend and just told her the tent i borrowed is still over in this park. It's your responsibility now.

No, it's not even. So we get it in and he was just like, I'm not going to get too deep in it, but it wasn't even appreciative. Whatever you got in, he was like, oh, never mind. That's not my good one. That's my third good tent. That's my one I put over the good tent to keep it clean. I got my good tent up in my room. Hey, you know what, boys? Put it back. Can you guys go ahead and put it back out there you know it'll

be easy for me listen to this quintessential irish accent i'm doing right quintessential oh boy anyway go birds go but oh yeah by the way i want to say in all due diligence in all seriousness i would like to say i know i sound like a man from Queens, but Go Birds. In the name of the Father and the Son, don't forget the Holy Spirit, and also Go Birds. Dude, that's fucking wild. Storms. Yeah, we were Stormy Daniels. Dude, that's crazy that the former president fucked a porn star. Yeah, and didn't, like, she said that he threw some good dick around, right?

Yeah, I mean, dude, he's the type of guy, I mean, girls, i mean girls we don't get too deep in the weeds here because we are a couple of taken fellas but girls like a guy who takes charge and i can't imagine that donald trump is not in the bedroom yeah telling him telling her what's going on i can't it's like it's hard to picture certain like i can't picture him in anything but a suit or a burp. That white polo he golfs in. Yes. I can't, I don't think I've ever seen him wearing any other attire. So other than that, like the artist's rendition of him being naked, you ever see that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They made like a statue out of him and put it in front of Trump Tower with a tiny dick. Yeah. Great move. Great move. It's an elite move. I can't picture him fucking. It's it's weird i think and i think i can picture a lot of people fucking oh i do often i think you're like actually that's all i do if you if we've met i've seen you fuck well i think you're right on the nose with this one right on donnie trump's nose

is i think he stays fully clothed pulls his zipper down pulls his four and a half inch erect penis out and does it like full suit yeah now do you think he has the long tie so it acts as like just like a extra little like tease so like he pulls it out but it's still behind you know how long his ties are sure it's dick his dick is still behind the tie and then he just he just slowly goes hello mr there's not an impression because i can't tell it is now um stormy this is let's call it a tie and then he pulls it to the side i mean sexual catchphrases yeah if you're that powerful you have to have like something you scream as you climax yeah you gotta i don't know yeah maybe you're hired he throws out a you're hired you're hired dude well here's the here's the thing about the tie

and these are there's only two options with this one the first option is he goes fully naked just to tie and he does it like the old religion where they have leaves covering their genitalia but he just lets it droop down and cover his penis for some reason picture him like uh chippendales where there's still the collar of the shirt yes and the sleeve cuffs but nothing in between so donald trump collar cuffs tie nothing else collar cuffs ties covers his wiener like an old religious painting second thing donald trump is into asphyxiation wraps that tie around his throat jesus yeah and he keeps it long so he can toss it into a moving thing yeah yeah yeah yeah and by the way donald trump has never been on top in his entire life no no i feel like that's a

dominant position i feel like he's a topper. Yeah, it's a dominant position. No, him on top, riding. That I can picture. Him on top. Like his legs just running in the other way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, I think it does seem like he would be on top. That would be the controlling thing. But what it really is, is like when you sit down on those chairs and the guys in the airport shine your shoes that's him having sex with a woman that's actually he makes you know he actually has one

of those chairs in his room he's just always getting his shoe shine while having yeah that's also happening all at once okay well i think what john's trying to say is he misses the former president no no i'm not the one that brought him up can you imagine if joe biden was like i fucked lisa ann don't you think that would change the trajectory i think every president like it's like uh kennedy fucked merle monroe every president should have all the playboy ones some yeah some kind of skizz guzzy girl in their in their lineup i don't know bill clinton got a real not a good one but did trump say he didn't fuck stormy daniels well i think there was like a settlement yeah okay which is kind of like an admittance yeah basically oh no i was just asking i didn't know if like he ever was like crushed it if i could i wanted to if i wanted to i could have

fucked the pussy raw oh boy all right probably the first people to do a trump uh impression on we actually are thinking of an idea for a bit where we're going to do like a trump speed dating thing yeah um but we're thinking of who we can get to do it yeah we're looking for uh that was a joke stealing a shane gillis skit but storms um what's your second favorite type of storm my second favorite type of storm is when like full this is like two autistic kids talking about train times yeah we're like planning out city maps and doing Legos. We're like, I don't know. I was looking at the Doppler.

And I get real offended. I'm about to pull it up. I love looking at the Doppler and pretending. Are you being real about this? You know, I looked at it and pretend. If you look at it long enough and you memorize the pattern, then you show somebody, you're like, look, it's probably going to come over here around two hours from now.

So you like looking at trains where you're a little bit sad? I do. You know what? I do love looking So you like looking at trains where you're a little bit sad. I do. You know what? I do love looking at the weather. Can I tell you something? Yeah. Fuck you. Okay.

Is that fair? Do you get what I'm saying with that? I love looking at the weather. Yeah, I keep up with the weather. I love looking at it and I'm going to let you vamp here as I look at the Doppler. So John is actively looking up trains. Look, if you thought us doing stand-up was the most. I don't think We're pretty good.

I don't think we need an umbrella this evening. For what? Well, we're going to be inside. Yeah, but to get inside. I mean, come on. Can't be James Bond in the rain all the time.

No. A callback to a prior pod. A CB to a PP. Anyway, we've run out of things. No, we haven't. That has been episode 13. Just kidding. The last one ever.

But when John said at the beginning, I do want to reiterate, this is our last fucking episode. Yeah, we promise. This is it. So buy all the merch you can at humanidiots.shamrockson.com. Human Idiots. This guy doesn't even know the name of his own podcast.

No, that's it. It's Human Idiots. You're making me second guess my whole life. It's like that Mandela effect. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah whatever it's like you think like the bernstein or bernstein bears yeah if i just like fooled you if i went in tonight and changed the three things we have on the internet to say human idiots damn is human idiots a better name do we need to rebrand well here's the it's kind of funny you say that because so like listen admittedly the name of a podcast being handsome idiots is a little pat on your backage.

But we did explain it in the first episode. Now, I will say though my girlfriend's mom found out that the name of our podcast is Handsome Idiots. And she was kind of like, oh. So they just call themselves Handsome? And my girlfriend was like – she was like – this is a woman who has never stuck up for me in her entire life. She slapped her mom in the mouth. She was like, you dirty bitch. You is a woman who has never stuck up for me in her entire life. She slapped her mom in the mouth. She was like, you dirty bitch. You're dead to me.

You're dead to me. He is, has. Also, Matt gave me COVID. He has ones upon ones of listeners. Yeah. And they will not stop until he gets there. I don't know, Linda. Do you know 41 to 46 people that weekly listen to your horse shit?

He's just crying a little bit but she was like you have anyone in angola that tunes into you oh i imagine not because we don't yet but anyway so yeah so she said it's a douchey name for the pod i was like shut up but you're right she's a cool mom uh yeah all right oh she can go fuck herself oh boy i mean i'm coming

for you linda mcmenamin we're not to give the name because then the text isn't real. That's what it is. Neither of them would ever listen to this podcast. It is. It's a terrible name, but every podcast is a terrible name that's good. You know what's funny? When people tell me that they have listened to our podcast, I'm like, ugh. Ew.

Why? That's not what we do this for. Are you stupid? This is just so we can hang out and drink during the week. Even better. You're like, wait, I have a podcast? You didn't even know that john's been recording this is that that mike he's been handing to me once a week well you know some comedians will record things without your consent and just put it up on the youtube video but we won't get into there it's funny like to look at

this is now our 13th week like i don't know if i've stuck to anything strong for 12 weeks like there's always those things online where it's like 12 weeks and you can get abs and i'm like oh yeah it doesn't make sense if i just ate clean for 12 weeks which isn't that long yeah and i did sit-ups all the time i probably would have abs and then day three i'm like yeah but what's good with that chicken cutlet broccoli rob which i had today and i've been burping into matt's face it smells like an italian woman's but i will say i had abs for a good duration of my early 20s i saw that really overrated look at i was straight yeah i mean just stared at i wanted you to understand it so i made you look for 10 minutes yeah

because it's on my wall it's a motivator all right good i appreciate that but it's overrated it's not it's hard and you can't get hard because you have no fucking that's a real thing because you can see your penis too much because you know you have a washboard stomach and you're like oh now i gotta look at it oh my god dude if aliens ever come to go back to you saying if you have abs you can't get boners no dude i got i'm telling you the lowest i ever got dude this is a real thing you're not ripping carters when you're not got zero carts in that no aaron carters the cartilage was not hard i dude you because i was like so the lowest i ever got i got down to like six percent body fat like i had like veins on my abs and shit your body needs like

seamless we had to cut right so in order to have abs you give up that seems like it's like when you make a deal with the devil it's like look you're gonna be the king of the world but you're never gonna be able to smell cookies again you're like oh i want that no it was yeah i will tell you though very i mean all right it's a it's a little bit worth it it is a little bit worth it because but the whole reason you get abs is so that some girl be like let me touch them and then normally that's something that would make your heart kick hard. Here's the thing about men that women don't get. That's it.

We want you to go, oh, I want to touch your abs. I want to do this and that. We don't even really want to sleep with you. We just want you to tell us that you like us. You know what's funny is like three or four times a year I'll say to my wife, like, you know, I'm going to start eating healthy. I'm going to do sit-ups. I think I'm going to get abs. And never once has she been like, yeah, do it.

Like she's like, I don't fucking care. They hate it. I mean, when care i mean when i was mostly because she's a good person and that's why i'm out yeah no my girlfriend was like i like you with a little thick little thick on the old yeah she was thick on the tit thick on the tit cheerio pip pip cheerio thick on the tit i was listening back to the old the pod we did last week a lot of accents oh yeah and did you come up with any i told you i was gonna watch all cockney films i didn't watch I was listening back to the old pod we did last week. A lot of accents. Oh, yeah. And did you come up with any? I told you I was going to watch all Cockney films. I didn't watch a single one.

What did I watch? I watched... Oh, you're a real man. Did you watch Popstar? Nah. That's your homework this week, then. Yeah, I'll get on that one. I won't.

I don't know. I got a loose way. I don't have a lot to do. I'll probably throw it on. But I'll tell you what I won't throw on here if you old bastard a fake positive covid test say it again because i coughed in the middle of it you heard it here first john has the covid positive covid test listen if you're doing a self test at home proceed with caution fake positives exist so here is the tale of matt's fake pause it's a you breathed in like you were gonna do it all in one breath like i was gonna

you see 2019 is the epidemic that started dmx then i gotta go then i gotta take a ticket that's not very good i guess this kid that i saw i think it was bone thugs yeah i think this is i'm gonna miss everybody oh boy this one's gonna be i wish i had an uncle charles i have a father-in-law charles i wish i had an uncle charles because when he passed away i just want to go in there and be like let me smell uncle charles y'all but i can't i can't believe chuck is derived from charles yeah either way we get the names we get accents the names everything you guys are dying to hear we got it covered so i wake up in the morning me and my girlfriend it's her birthday this past week and we're gonna do like a full birthday thing i

have reservations done and i'm like nice reservations like i paid for it i just thought because all i thought of when you said i wake up in the morning i immediately thought of the kasha song which is like feeling like feeling like he did he comes in he's like you got covid bitch oh yeah we're feeling like p fucking coronavirus 19 nailed it oh boy so i wake up and i'm like get everything ready i go out and i buy some gifts get some flowers ready to go come back and my girlfriend's like listen you were traveling for work the past couple weeks why don't you just do a rapid test so we're good and i also took a pcr test two days prior just to be kind of safe so i go and i grab the rapid test and the rapid test is pretty impressive you

basically like you just get them over the counter yeah okay and they're only 41 and i'll get into that so so uh i go out and I grab the rapid test and I come back and I'm literally not worried about it at all. I feel fine. I have no symptoms, nothing like that. Bleeding from my eyes. Bleeding from my eyes, coughing,

and I did fuck a bet. So I'm all in some kind of category. So I'm not even worried about it to the point where I'm like, all right, I set up the test. You basically just swab, you put it in a little reader, you connect it to your phone through Bluetooth,

which is kind of cool, and then it reads it for 15 minutes just like swab. You put it in a little reader. You connect it to your phone through Bluetooth, which is kind of cool. And then it reads it for 15 minutes. So you jam it in the port where your charger goes? Yeah. You shove it in there. I don't know. It only works if you learn three TikTok dances. So I did have to do those for the analyzer. So I get in the shower because I'm not even worried about it.

I let it read. It's reading for 15 minutes. I get ready. I have a, I mean, dude, I'm wearing a polo. I'm wearing a fucking polo at this point. You know how good I'm feeling. I went in, polo. I'm wearing a fucking polo at this point. You know how good I'm feeling. I went polo collar pop. Dude, I was poloed up.

And I get everything ready. I had the flowers ready, the gifts. And then I go to grab my phone just to be like, all right, here's the negative. Your test for COVID-19 has come back positive. You should self-isolate for 10 days. Contact the physician. It set an alarm off. It was like an Amber Alert went off on your phone.

To everyone near you. It's like, gay redhead redhead well not the first time i've been involved in an amber alert i have abducted kids so i go and i call my girlfriend and i'm like look the test came back positive we can't do it which is a little bit funny because i think deep down she was like this fucker's just trying to cancel i was gonna say so now that you sent me that screenshot of the positive test i'm gonna save it in my phone because that's why i even talked about that the night that i was on name on it though i can photoshop that out yeah it's true i'm just gonna save that and then someone's gonna be like man you gotta come on this trip with us and like i don't know yeah but uh i just i used to do it with hiv

but it just made the story a lot longer so i went a step further and just got it just started getting it in so uh so i'm like what the fuck i can't believe this so i have nothing to do so i'm like all right i'm gonna get more tests because i know like the self tests are pretty accurate but not like super reliable this is how every single unplanned pregnancy test yes works you know what give me them all these things are reliable but then when they say you're negative you're like this is the best invention that has ever laid upon god's land one that's negative you're like i'm investing in pregatest pregatest pregatest is actually an indian kid he's a producer zach you have your roommate bleeding on a test like i need a baseline yeah those are the ones that come back hiv positive so so i go ahead and get a test for everything i'd pay I'd pay $200

if it was just a blood test where they gave you a whole panel. They should be able to. Actually, I think that's called a blood panel and you go to a doctor and you do that. We should start going to the doctors. I want to bleed at home. You can do everything else at home. You can work from home. I can't bleed at home now?

Thanks, Obama. Thanks, Joe. Pulled out of Afghanistan. Now you're pulling into my bloodstream. So I go and I get a different brand of test because I'm like, let me mix this bitch up. So I really get like a wide spectrum of results. I went with Nike on the next one. The first one was Adidas. The second one was Nike.

Checks over stripes. Hold now for Fila. So Puma. Doc Martens. This is where we just name brands we know. I could go for quite a long time. I'm out. So I go and I get these other two, bring them back, do the test, and they both come back negative.

And I'm like, what the fuck? So now I'm like, well, let me go get the same brand test and see if that one comes back negative. Because as I'm doing this, my PCR test comes back, and that's like 100% like it'll tell you whether you have it or not. And that came back negative. And I'm like, did I fucking – my first ever rapid self-test i got a false positive so i go back now this point there's no way you can administer the test incorrectly right uh you can if you don't swab well enough it'll come back as a false positive no it'll it'll either say it'll come back as a false negative or if they're better at now, they'll come as like an inconclusive, which means like you didn't do it well enough.

Which means it's a hoax. And to add to this, it's a hoax. And Trump did win the election. Let's just reiterate, we are not a pro-Trump podcast. We just want to know what he looks like when he fucks. That's it. Nah, fuck Donald Trump. He could die if he wanted to.

If he wanted to. And to add to this, I went to an urgent care and I had an Asian man. God bless him. Don't know why I mentioned his race. Doesn't matter. I also love that you didn't have knowledge enough to know what type of Asian. You were like, definitely Oriental. Oh, yeah.

I don't think we're allowed to say that anymore. No, he was close to Russia. So. Still doesn't help me. Russia is not part of Asia. Yeah, it is. So, well, it depends who you ask. I think if you ask a map. I think it's like russian asia either way it's a continent it's a cunt okay okay so um geez all right go to test i'm cooking not really though so you're cooking with

no ingredients you don't even have a burner on i got the stove going i got the microwave running but nothing's in there it's like my fucking edison light so i go earlier on i had gone and i'd gotten a second pcr tested in urgent care and the guy was kind of like yeah i mean it's possible it's false positive this and that go do a couple more self-administered tests so this one i have a negative pcr from days prior i have two more negative self-tests so i go out and i get another one of the tests that i had gotten the initial positive on because i'm like if this one comes back negative i gotta be negative go out and i swab like a motherfucker like i make sure i get every crevice of my gross

dirty nose swabbing holes i've never even been in i'm in my roommate's hole yeah so zach put this down my penis i did it in his and i'm like still eight so i swap and i go again another 15 minutes goes by at this point i'm kind of feeling defeated i'm like this is going to be positive this one's more trustworthy comes back negative so now i have all together three negative self tests and a negative pcr test and one positive test so i'm like all right i guess i'm good to go and i also have no symptoms so it all kind of like leads into uh not having covid so this can all be summed in up in the one text you sent me that i had to show to my wife to get approval to come here today yeah i feel bad because i know i'm like

a fucking no you did the right thing and you did the right thing we're like you right away i'm assuming you did text me like hey just so you know i have one negative test yeah and i did the terrible thing of i was like cool i'm gonna go on a run i'll tell my family after yeah it's like they're gonna get it worse maybe they you know who knows it's all fake it's not like you and i got it the exact same time before no that wasn't us that was my friend adam yeah that was a tony parlante's mic yeah thanks if you want covid go on thursday nights to cross keys brewery yeah if you want covid and you want reaming with co you want a late spot go there also if you want a slippery pete that's a delicious drink there they're uh slippery pery Pete Margarita Ghost.

I like the orange jumpsuit. Is it Goss or Ghost? We should be getting sponsorships from local breweries. Oh, we're dumb. Have we ever thought of that? True. We do drink their alcohol. Well, White Claw.

You know who we do have a sponsorship from? We'll do a mid-episode read. Oh, a mid? We have an episode. We have an episode. Jesus Christ. Not White Claw. My brain's working.

Anyway, sentences coming out. Here we go. There it is. Revin'law. My brain's working. Oh, boy. Sentences coming out. Here we go. There it is. Revin' up. Shamrock Sun. There it is. We have a sponsorship from a company that we're not going to say could get you drunk like a local brewery, but I don't think anywhere on the bottle it says, don't drink this.

Yeah, that's right. We also haven't seen the bottle because we haven't been sent one yet. And we also won't. I also don't think we've given any revenue to them. Not a single dollar. They do like every post in which we tag them. They even comment sometimes. Sometimes.

They put a lot of hands, a lot of the hallelujah hands. Yeah, I like those. Which I always think that those look also like someone wants to play you in paper football. Oh, yeah. Okay. I can see that. Yeah, I've tried to put that out there. People don't like that.

Apparently, it's all about Jesus these days. Oh, yeah these days yeah get over it he's dead he would have played paper football i actually here side he just came back and left when you play paper football did you do uh pointer fingers up or thumbs up and do the extra wide goal post uh i would do the smaller one pointer fingers up to the sky yeah so you did more of like the miami u i also always think that that hand looks like which i'm sure everyone that goes the university of miami which i've been trying to decide who's my favorite college football team i think it's miami just because they're fucking rock well i loved them when i was a kid because my aunt played golf there oh wow and so it's hilarious so she played got there actually she went the same time that duane johnson

who went on to become the rock you think they've never heard of him any no she knew uh she wasn't attractive enough to point the rock she was a gopher that did very well she was friends with his girlfriend at the time too though oh shit i think he was like his first wife anyway long story short she was there when like title nine like debate was huge and funding had to be the same like for guys and girls everywhere yeah and i think it was something weird where it was like they had to match the women's golf team to the men's football team per player budget okay because there's no female equivalent of football yeah like so it was it was in balance so she would just get like basically a credit card to the school store of, like, thousands of dollars.

Yeah. And she would just swipe it and send all, I have, like, on that side of my family, like, 30-some first cousins. We were all head to toe in Miami gear. That's fucking sick, dude. And it was when the Bugs Bunny, this was probably when you were born. Actually, before you were born, I know for a fact. Oh, man. When all, like, the Looney Tunes in college gear was, like, the look. And it was, like, it would be, like, a print. Actually, they're big now. Like, and not for a fact. Oh, man. When all the Looney Tunes in college gear was the look.

And it was like... Oh, I didn't know that. It would be like a print... Actually, they're big now. They've come full circle. That just sounds cool as fuck. It really is. And they were all in crisscross style, so they'd have backwards overalls and a Miami football

jersey on, on your t-shirt. Yeah. So I was head to toe in that. So that's the only thing I'm basing my collegiate affiliation for sports we're gonna officially put out there we're probably the number one new jersey based miami hurricanes podcast out there and probably so so go canes that's okay first first you know what we just picked it that's the first thing we're gonna follow as a podcast miami hurricanes matt's got orange hair they got orange jerseys we'll go'll follow the Canes and we'll follow Raising Canes.

Chicken. Ever had it? No. Oh my God. Go on. It's fucking incredible. We started this talking about Sharon Rock's stuff. Let's get to that.

Yeah, go buy stuff from those chubby fuckers. Buy stuff from them. It's code idiot at checkout. Yeah. You get 10% off or show up to wherever they are and just steal stuff

and scream idiot at them and they'll be like, you've got 100% off. Yeah, we're still waiting on our swim shirts. Yeah, I do want a good swim shirt. I would love a swim and they'll be like you've got 100 off yeah we're still waiting on our swim shirts yeah i do want a good swim i would love a swim shirt guys if you've ever been that requires a swim i need one turning this edison bulb on you turn three shades if i think about the sun too long i get burnt but uh we love raisin canes so raisin canes is like a big chicken place our other sponsor rais, Raising Cane's.

I mean, if they ever sponsored this, I would gladly gain $130,000. We're actually just sponsored by chickens, the animal. If you ever eat a chicken, we're getting a cut of it. That's right. Are you texting the owner of Raising Cane's right now? I'm texting him right now. I'm going, listen, you fucking dumbass. This is how we got our first sponsor.

You got to talk firmly to people if you want to get a deal done. And now I'm trying to think of a more local, I think think there's a barbecue spot i think i can get to sponsor this podcast and if only i can just get like one kona yeah then yeah you know what we're gonna do our other strategy if we're gonna talk shit on places until they sponsor us to stop i've never eaten a makona and not gotten food poisoning sponsor us bitch that's right i me and my roommate had a dog and that dog went missing one summery uh afternoon my roommate and i went to go get some some grub some good food from makona barbecue as we walked in we saw our dog on a rotating rotisserie cooking still alive still alive still looking at us saying that's how

slowly they cook the meat and how tenderly beautiful it is but it gives you dysentery it gives you a new perspective on what meat you heard that right cory the owner who i'm friends with sponsor us and by that i mean can we just have lunch once dude if you give us a free lunch holy shit man i would talk about that for the next 19 000 podcasts yeah or if we just like went somewhere eight and didn't pay the bill yeah and that's our new sponsor i would let it be one of my credits to be like hey voila we're sorry yeah dude actually i think we went on record early on we are a heritages only podcast oh speak for yourself young man i love a thick wall i am so mad that heritages is only within the boundaries of i think gloucester and salem county

because heritages hoagies yeah heritages dude a heritage pre-made hoagie they got good pre-made hoagies even they're on the spot because they cut the meat right there for you i think it's boar's head and who doesn't love a good Thor's head? Put the boar. Give me head. All right. Well. Anyway, what were you going to tell me? You're getting all jazzed up.

Anthony Jeselnik will be a guest on our next podcast. Look out for that. We did secure him. Miami Hurricanes alum, Anthony Jeselnik. We don't want him to mess up the flow. Everyone that we ever mention is an alumni of the University of Miami. Let's just keep doing this until the University of Miamiami sends us a cease and desist letter yeah they're like hey we listened and we don't agree with fucking anything you guys just said however they will be

buyers of shamrock sun did we finish that if you're gonna use shamrock sun miami is a good place to use it dude if i ever go to miami i'm gonna wear it in the airplane yeah and to quote the great uh poet william smith un benito amiami then to quote his son i would cut my penis off that's a real thing yeah is he he offered to cut his penis off what i don't know that he offered yeah he's talking about like i'll cut my i'll fucking cut my dick off you can't just say that and then not deliver i think he was at like td bank and they're like sir you can only overcharge you took an overdrink i will cut my dick off right now that actually would be a pretty solid thing to get a lot of stuff done in your life wait did he really say he would cut his yeah there's like some weird thing where he talked about like cutting

his dick off that's a real i'm not it's not even like a bit damn i really he has that one album that's actually really good he has one song that's really good which one i'm gonna play yeah that's on that's on my running playlist yeah everything else i need new trucks independent independent great because it's levels yeah the fucking skateboard in my room right now it's got independent trucks yeah and it's hanging on the wall probably and you know i do that because i want people to know that i don't rely on cars i'm not a gas guzzling guy people think i'm friendly to the ego because most people when they see me they go eco fireman eco uh when people see me and they like i said they look at me and

they see like oh there's another six foot six 225 a dot 225 pound adonis pure athlete pure athlete big piece but you he loves driving cars yeah i bet you he loves whipping around his homer now how long has it been since you used that skateboard uh you know what i i've rode ridden roaded roaded rith riddith riddith to take rant rant i have scored it right skated skated all right let's just well that's the past tense to skateboard is to ski skated yeah i skated you guys i skated down the street the other yeah where did you skeet this that's not even interesting i fucking went to the dunkin donuts near my apartment i'm picturing you like doing it where you're on you're sitting on it and Zach's behind you pushing it.

And you're just going wee to Dunkin' Donuts. I'm not a wee guy. I'm a cowabunga guy. Oh, yeah. True. I go straight cowabunga. I had a – so we've gone full circle too because I think episode one you made fun of me having a skateboard on my wall in the garage. That was part – that was my midlife crisis.

Like most guys my age buy really expensive cars i bought a 28 cruiser board on amazon yeah but don't frame it like oh i made fun of the skateboard i made fun of the shrine to yourself yeah no it's a good shrine to me it is good it is a solid shrine in in terms of shrines it looks like i died and my wife left it up in there in memory yeah yeah there's now a weed whacker next to it too. I wall-manned the weed whacker. Yeah. Because if there's a tool I'm good with, it's a weed whacker. That's right.

I'm like a surgeon out there. He really is. And by the way, I just want to say, when weed became legal in New Jersey, John set out a mission to stop people from smoking it. So he became the weed whacker himself. Yeah, that's actually my new alias. He goes around and he smacks joints out of the youth's mouths while they're mid-toke. Sometimes I just smack youths because they might be thinking of marijuana. Yeah, even if they are. If they're mid-toke i sometimes i just smack yous

because they might be thinking of marijuana yeah even if they are if they're thinking about marijuana it's no good a lot of times i'll be running uh down the street with a headlamp on like a responsible adult i'm like hey you youths youths you youths y'all thinking about chronic if they say yes i go over and give them the old what it does one smack and we send them a kona barbecue and we say go eat some dogs yeah unless they sponsor us then they're the most then it's really good brisket all this out this is all slander it actually is incredible barbecue it looks really really good that i spent most of my paychecks when they opened up because it's damn it i can't say it we're cutting all this out what is going on hold on that's right we were talking about it and the

door got kicked in and the owner of mcconner came in and choked matt and i both out we both just came to yeah we hit record again we went back that's why we both came but what i can say okay came to right before he punched me in the throat right in the throat go eat their food it's delicious it really looks something it's incredible but uh i wasted a lot of my i want to say so i was on like a conference for work where i had to kind of pay attention but i didn't so i scrolled through instagram like you do and i was on the reels part of it and it's somehow like the algorithm was like you need to listen to my chemical romance covers and i was like ah first the first part would have been cool i'll listen

to some old my chemical romance no this was just like goth teens in their garage with their shitty amps and terrible guitars cranked as loud as they go yeah and each one just got progressively better and by better i mean worse there it is there was one kid who he the covers i was like oh my god this guy is like nailing it and they're not hard songs to play like i play guitar i could probably relearn my chemical romance songs within the next week if i needed to yeah a few next week tune in i'll riff a few out god that's gonna be terrible oh boy and this kid i got a guitar in my room if you need one you put your fucking money where your mouth is dude god damn it we are actually

the number one my cat miami my chemicky my hammocky chemical we are a big my chemotherapy miami chemical romance miami i don't even know now and gibbert but i was like he's nailing this and then he put on there he was like and here it is without the track playing but i was like he's nailing this and then he put on there he was like and here it is without the track playing and i was like oh man you were just and it was just like now i'm gonna give you all right i'm gonna let you guess yeah what his attire looked like so hair i'll give you a hint so hair longer than shoulder length greasy jet black hair which you'd assume soup the side no no so longer than shoulder length that there'd assume swoop the side no no it was so longer than shoulder length that there was no swoop this was all lady hair yeah fair okay you can guess the

rest of his outfit and i'll tell you if you're accurate or not tight black t-shirt skinny black jeans uh he had a lot of things on his wrist on both wrists and he was wearing some level of a little bit of eyeliner some kind of some kind of deal that way. You're on the right track. Now, what was on the hands? What was on his hands? There's only one thing you can wear. Oh, fingerless gloves.

Now, what was on the fingerless gloves? An Avenged Sevenfold logo? You better believe it was skeleton fingerless gloves. Oh, they sure were. No, you were close. Tight black jeans, yes. He actually had on, i looking back i think he was dressing up as all the outfits they wore in the music videos i was gonna say that's how they

dress so in this one he had a white button-up shirt with a long actually this might have been a nod to trump he had a long red tie on no that's all my chemical that's the helena and i'm not okay music video so he was playing helena in this one yeah and then he also had the jacket from the uh black parade he had like the fucking i don't want to say it but that's a fire fit that's a fucking tough fit dude uh not on this guy i'll tell you that no he can't he also uh i was trying i always love anytime someone's playing music online and they have a guitar with stickers on it i pause it and try to identify all the stickers and all of these were like hot topic like back off this car is ran by a demon yeah yeah what's the one instead of intel inside it says evil inside i have not you can buy that on the wildwood boardwalk probably still to this yeah yeah but yeah this guy i always love zooming in to see

what the stickers are because i always as an elite guitarist such as myself you know i'm saying this as a man who has a yeti covered in stickers quick quick interjection do you are you actually good at guitar i'm okay no i'm very i'll say this i am the worst song you can play that's a good that's a good now i don't even know anymore it's just like i just strum seven different chords yeah the hardest song i can play uh there is like a riff that goes into a solo from a coheed and cambria song that i'm still proud of i think it's never ender maybe okay from like their first album that i can still play that is like not hard yeah but i can make it sound good are you a big like the acoustic guitars there and you'll play like a little e a a minor oh yeah i just i'll just rip cord now yeah it's funny especially now having a

kid like i'll just like rip through random chords that flow together and just sing nonsense lyrics yeah and it's the most fun i've ever had like we already do that anyway like we'll walk around the house and we sing everything to her for some weird reason to your daughter yeah you should start rapping oh i think start rapping oh come on making poopoo in the diaper ain't no good here have you seen me change diapers holy shit i have to do weird shit like that because it's like you literally change so many diapers yeah like damn your dog's shitting huh i'll just be like run she stays shitting damn shut out it's just like we feed her she shits oh this is it so yeah we've

been feeding her it's this new thing we're into i it's always like and i have to entertain me too like i'll be running up the stairs with her to change her to make her laugh and i'm like you gotta poopy in the diaper we gotta get upstairs it sounds like that yeah and then it's always like you incorporate somehow like the anticipation of opening how bad the diaper is going to be. You're like, what's it going to be? It's more like a show tune. Let me ask you, does she giggle while you do that? Uncontrollably. That's fucking adorable, dude.

She fucking loves it. That's elite level adorable. And there's going to be a point where she doesn't giggle at my songs and I'm just a weird fucking dad. Well, when you're picking her up from a Sweet 16 doing it, she's going to be bummed out. You went there, did you see anybody there? But yeah, so we'll sing like everything to her but anyway we got on this tangent of just i was i went down a weird rabbit hole and it was probably a 15 to 20 minute rabbit hole of just my chemical romance people covering it cover covering on instagram can

be really cool because like sometimes people do on reels i guess it's on tiktok too i don't have it but the guitarist will say like riff with me and then they play a riff and then you play with it back and then repost it right yeah one of the best things too is you know adam ray the comic oh he's great he does those things where people do the like duet uh or do lines with me acting lines with me and he's just it'll be like hey how are you he's like how am i brenda the fucking boss fired me again yeah yeah yeah it's always amazing but the i do respect like because you'll see some sick guitarists like that's where i go down that's why i was kind of mad that like instagram is usually very good at it's like you love people falling on their face yeah you love guitar and you like i don't know shoes or

something like and it nails all of them and then then every once in a while, they'll be like, maybe today you like My Chemical Romance. Yeah. And then after that, I went on a kick of like, let me just listen to My Chemical Romance for the next hour. Dude, they're the best band of all time. Yeah, it's debatable. Oh, it's not. But then that sent me down a kick of like, now I want to listen to all. That's probably one.

So this is a band shirt I'm wearing right now. Who is it? Glass Jaw. One of my favorite bands of all time. Never heard. And it holds up for me. They're a little bit harder. Probably ahead of your time-ish maybe. But still one of my favorite bands of all time and it holds up for me they're a little bit harder probably ahead of your time ish maybe um but still one of my favorite bands and it went 15 it sent me

down that kick yeah of like i just started listening to old bands and then was looking up like their merch to see what's still available yeah because i kind of want to just do that for the rest of my life like i don't i can never figure out what t-shirts to buy or anything i just want to buy fucking under it's not it's bands enough where like if i'm wearing it someone that knows it and knows that band if not they're just like what is that like red city radio is a band shirt that i wear all the time another quick interjection it looks like a weird h&m shirt or if you know it you know it well you know that's the other thing if you know you know it and that's with bands and then also brewery t-shirts are fucking cool no i can't dude it's so tough because as a 35 year

old white guy yeah everyone i know wears nothing but brewery i'm a 25 year old white guy so where you can't what is a kind of i guess kind of cool thing i've seen an ad before and it's a company that just sends you shirts from dive bars around the country that's i that sounds but i am very against that why well let me let me make my point let me make my point it's a quick one it's a terrible point i went to bad point i have a boner so the thing that i'm thinking is for the way that i dress i like a cool pair of shoes no i dress hot and thick also we need to change because we're pretty much wearing the same color no we better wear these if you get changed i'll never speak to you again we're where I love a matching set of people

oh boy they did not say how I met don't believe in that Matt doesn't like gender mixing supposed to be cute because I always tell

my girlfriend we should match I like my wats white I like my wats white and my Africans alright that's a bit do a bit don't get over me

if I ever get SNL that's gonna be the one that does me in so that was a bit do it over me if i ever get snl this will be the one that does me in so uh that was a bit there seth simons uh yeah suck it anyway i just think for me i like like regular pants i like i like you know a flutty kind of pant cool pair of shoes and if you just throw on like a plain like brewery t-shirt that's a tough fit uh so my argument is if i'm gonna have a shirt that is of a place or an event or a band i have to have been to that place yes i have to that theory throws out the window because i said it's a company that sends you like random dive bar shirts yeah okay so it'll

be like tom's drinks in missouri sounds like a nice place. Yeah, you'd wear that shirt. I wouldn't because I need to go to Tom's. I got to have a beer. I got to make a memory there. All the brewery shirts I own, I've been to all the breweries. Yeah, I don't know. It's a weird thing for me now because I think, like I was saying, it's literally everybody I know at 35, they're in the same boat as me. It's like when you get to the age I'm at, no one knows the fuck how to dress.

boat as me is like when you get to the age i'm at like no one knows the fuck how to dress like i'm so in between generations yeah clothing wise where it's like all right if my shorts are too long the younger generation is gonna make fun of me for not being shorter if they're too long or they're too short the older generation is gonna be like are you gay well dude that's what it is that's where you fucked up i lean so hard into a seven inch this summer and i am rocking the seven inch five's a little too high nine is low. But here's where you fucked up. You stayed handsome too long. Ah, you should have gotten ugly. Dude, 32, you should have got chubby.

I did. Oh, I've had many waves of chubby. Yeah, we all go through some chubby. But you should have stayed chubby. You should have started balding. Are you on any Pepto-Bismol? What is it called where you keep your hair? I do take Prilosec.

What's that? I said Pepto-Bismol. Prilosec's for heartbreak. Okay, well, so that's, you called where you keep your hair i do take uh prilosec what's that you said pepto-bismol prilosec's for heartbreak okay well so that's you know could keep your hair who knows the studies are still rolling loose by accident true disgrace of us um no i this is all you kidding me man i'm the son of a hairdresser i was born with this yeah that's now that's gonna come back and bite me in like three years when it all just falls out for stress yeah but dude that's so funny you say that because you'll be 38 and you're balding and like oh no i'm going bald it's like yeah dude you're gonna die soon of course no i think i think i'll have hair forever what age you think you live to oh that's it can i tell you because i know i got a machine and i went forward and it's 64 and i hope you have fun tonight but yeah you're right you're on borrowed time like you should wait anything you've been putting off yeah tonight 64 dude you're gone you're gone 64

no that's weird because i'm pretty sure my dad passed away at 64 oh boy i think uh i think i live into my 80s and i'm saying that because doing the math, 80s would mean my daughter would be late 40s. Yeah. Yeah, I think I'm into my 80s. I think I'm going to – I think I'll stay somewhat healthy enough. I've cut back. Cutting back. I've cut back.

Yeah. Enough on like how much I booze. I have been a little bit of a piggly wiggly since doing that race. Real quick, never again. But go ahead. Sorry, piggly waggly. Oh boy. I have been eating like a fucking bum.

Like that just got dropped off at a Golden Corral. Yeah. I've just been in its late night too. Yep. Kidding me. I bought a, I went to, ever in the Little? The other thing that looks like Aldi? the little l-i-d-l oh i've driven past i've never been beautiful place go it's phenomenal i think it's german

i think it's german i think it actually is like direct competitor of aldi in another country anyway huh went there they had coconut fruit bars and i was like these are good we'll eat these as a family six pack i've taken down four and I think they haven't been in the house longer than 24 hours. Yeah, sometimes it sneaks. When you go through a chubby eating period, like I was traveling the past two weeks. I ate like a fat sack of shit. Oh, traveling, it's impossible. It's not.

I went to the hotel gym. I'd work out for 22 minutes, and then I got a vending machine outside of my room in Marion, North Carolina. What the fuck am I going to do? So I was like, yeah, I'll pound three bags of Doritos. vending machine outside of my room in marion north carolina what the fuck am i gonna do so i was like yeah i'll pound three bags vending machine is tough oh it's the toughest because vending machines have snacks that you're like oh i haven't liked this since like 2008 as we look we have uh by the way as inspiration we have two bears one cave playing in the background with tom segor and actually they're scrolling through his best moments on wmmr wmmr pressing steve burke christian steve actually is a sponsor of this episode so president steve have us on or else we're gonna tell everybody you made burke christian pull his penis out if i can just say

a quick story one time i was so hammered and when i first started stand up and i watched somebody i think it was mark norman on president steve and i got oh not mormon was not mormon none of you heard of him i know him very well. One of my close friends. I did everything for him, made his career. So, I watched his interview on there and I got genuinely emotional.

Like, if I ever get interviewed on Preston and Steve, that's what I'll know. And that's a real thing. It is still nice to hear, like, all comics,

the only shit on morning radio. Yeah. And like, Big J always talks about it. He's like, Boz and the Scooch in, like ah big j always talks about he's like buzz in the scooch in like tallahassee he's like but they all seem to when they do that they go but these ones and they'll name like four and preston steve are always one that they're like they're fucking always one yeah so that makes me happy because that was i think not not an introduction

to comedy for me but like something that got me into like for years i listened to just them in the morning going to work oh yeah and i was like oh yeah like being fun and jesus christ he's in a fucking dead of a thong yeah like having starting your morning off with like happiness and fun rather than like this is something when i move back to the area i have to live in harrisburg i move back and i vowed i'm never listening to sports talk again thank you because it is just i mean there's a formula. So there's always like the person on is always – like you should. If you're any good entertainer, you're going to take the opposing side.

Yeah, of course. So you always have somebody like Mike Missonelli or Howard Eskin. It's always like, you know what? The Eagles suck. They're not going to the Super Bowl. People call in. They're like, you don't know nothing. My grandfather died in an Eagles game.

You don't know. I tailgated myself to death three times. And it's like the people that call in are just beyond dumb. Yeah. And I say this having been the son of someone that used to – I remember being with my dad. Like we'd be on our way home from – I used to get excited for this though.

And I will say my dad was a knowledgeable sports fan. He wasn't just like a – Like he played a lot of sports. He coached a lot of sports. He was actually a really good basketball coach um but like he would call in and have good points but he would sit on hold from like we'd leave a sixers game and he would call in like the post game to talk about it yeah and he wouldn't get on until we got home it would be like a 25 minute you have to sit on hold yeah and then we'd sit in the car and he'd be like you

know what i think dana barrows has got one of the best step back jumpers in the game right now. And that is a deep cut. I could have said Iverson. Dana Barrows is a great reference. I went with the original number three in the Philadelphia scene. I want to get a Dana Barrows jersey so bad. So people see me coming. And those are the ones I think where they have like the star going across.

Yeah. And he was number three before Iverson. And they see it and they're like, holy shit, Iverson. Like, shut up. I have that now. I have a number seven eagles jersey and everyone goes oh mike vick and i'm like no bobby hoeing from seventh grade apparently my parents thought i was an adult large oh yeah i'm still rocking out of tailgates and now joe flocco south jersey legend is number seven yeah so he's got awful where were we at before we got off of that i don't know i think we somehow started talking about what's playing on the tv and i think we're

i don't know how long are we what are we doing 55 55 uh hey this is right around when you guys stopped listening so i mean you guys stopped listening around episode one so we can't blame i was like my wife today came in she was was like, I was listening to Human Idiots on the way here. Yeah. I'm going to tonight post this as Human Idiots by accident. And it's just going to be the name. That's the podcast name, Human Idiots. The podcast title.

And I was like, oh my God, what episode are you on? Thinking she'd be like, ah, 9, 10, which is respectable. She's like, I'm like early in two. I was like, oh, you didn't even get to when we got mics yet. We didn't have audio yet. Yeah. At this point. She goes, this one doesn't listen that bad. I was like, just wait for like five. I think four is where the apex where we're like we need to get

we just had to beg people the other day it was uh chance mcdonald he was like guys i listened to your podcast yeah and it sounded fucking terrible we were like can you just skip to episode nine and tell us what you think yeah go to the one where uh john does uh oh never mind edited it out never mind we are he does a poem he wrote he does probably one of the better poems if i can i'm trying to remember how the poem went let me do the poem real quick that you did do you mind if i share your work did it have anything to do with uh what we have coming up matt well here's how the poem went two gentlemen hickory dickory dock hickory dickory dock your girlfriend blown upon my cock.

That's right. I wrote for Dice Clay in the 80s when I was three. And killed. The four years I spent in the 80s, I was an elaborate writer for Dice Clay. Damn, you lived in the 80s. You're the oldest guy alive. And you dress like you just got out of the 80s. No, I don't, dude.

No way, dude. You know what I dress like? You're wearing all white dunks. I feel like that is like in a quintessential 91 shoe. dude. You know what I dress like? You're wearing all white dunks. I feel like that is like in a quintessential 91 shoe. Can I tell you what I dress like? I dress like a pimp who understands the prostitute's perspective. I'm not just... A pimpathetic pimp?

All right, new title. Oh, there's the title of the episode. A pimpathetic pimp. You had to listen all the way to 57 minutes in to get pimpathetic. We do have to go do some shit. Yeah, we gotta go do things. Oh my god! Man, we're too much of a giggly boys.

Yeah, we are giggly kids. Alright, we're gonna wrap it up. We're going over to do Do-rag-ing-the-deer tag. Riffin' at the Raven, which... Yeah, we sound busy, huh? Sounds fucking awesome. We may have run out of steam. And we might just get up there and be like,

Guys, no one listen to this week's podcast. We're gonna do 10 minutes of this live. No one listen to this week's podcast, because we're to now talk about a thimpathetic pimp. Oh no. John's going to say the n-word. Pimpathetic. Oh, he might. That's a good opener.

This weekend, Ghost Harbor Collective. I said collective, not corrective. There we go. Up in Asbury Park, New Jersey. Catch us there. Show up early. I think we're going to drive even earlier because we're going to Surf Taco beforehand. up in Asbury Park, New Jersey. Catch us there. Show up early. I think we're going to drive even earlier because we're going to Surf Taco beforehand.

And I just looked it up. It's like 20 miles south of there. I'm fine with that. But if not, if you listen to this and you know a better taco place in Asbury, go fuck yourself. Yeah, pussy boy. But tell us because we like tacos.

And we are doing a meet and greet after the show, right? We said we're talking to some of the fans yeah it's a skeet and greet where we're gonna come we're just gonna skate

because it's past tense that's right we're gonna actually skate it's past tense but what do you got coming up there big ol' I just said it

that's it oh that sounded shitty I didn't mean to be shitty about that no I think in September I'm doing the I believe it's unofficially official

the Pennsport beer boutique yeah it's afficially official the Pennsport beer boutique yeah it's a fun one yeah with a boy Rob Cody and Gary Sharp and guess what

if I'm not I just bully my way onto the show by saying I'm on it the time is now Rob Cody stop growing anyway Matt

what do you got going on I have tonight so tonight this will be out probably the next day we will have been doing Riffin at the Raven with Do-Rag and the Deer Tag that'll be a lot of fun they're doing it every Monday I have tonight. So tonight, this will be out probably the next day where we will have been doing

riffing at the Raven with a do rag and the deer tag. That'll be a lot of fun. They're doing it every Monday. So go check that out. Yeah. And Thursday I'll be at the ship bottom brewery in Longport, New Jersey. Looking at me like I have any idea.

I'll be there. I'll hopefully people there won't record you. You come out this weekend. Matt's going to definitely be wearing a ship bottom brewery t-shirt and a lot of shamrock sun down the share i wear my shamrock sun hat i have one that'll be sick so i'll be at ship bottom brewery and again hopefully none of the comedians there like record your conversation and then put together a youtube video um either way uh and then friday i'll be with big uh big matzo ball over here and then october we have a place in ben salem for cricket comedy we'll be at it's a barbecue place maybe they're not

cooking dogs there maybe they are unless they sponsor it one way to find out i'll eat it regardless and september there's things that i can't think of but that's it where can the people find you if you don't know now you never know then where can they find you on the web this guy's a fucking idiot you know what it's like doing this podcast every week you can catch us at human idiots dot pod dot biz slash geocities look up a picture of my ball sack on mad people's comedy at instagram mad people's comedy on tiktok and people's 23 Matt People's Comedy on TikTok, MPeoples23 on Twitter, Handsome Idiots on Instagram. Follow the page.

Handsome Idiots Pod. We're going to start Handsome Idiots Pod. We're going to start doing some giveaways. John's going to give his daughter away for first serve. I love you, I love you. All right, we'll keep it. Monte Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf, which I think is coming back soon.

We're going to film more episodes. We're going to put them out, and you're going to watch them, and then you're going to like them and that's it bye Outro Music