That Rules Podcast - Episode #15: Partial Color Blind Injustice

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

Colour (color) blindness (colour vision deficiency, or CVD) affects approximately 1 in 12 men (8%) and 1 in 200 women in the world. In Britain this means that there are approximately 3 million colour blind people (about 4.5% of the entire population), most of whom are male. Worldwide, there are approximately 300 million people with colour blindness, almost the same number of people as the entire population of the USA!

🎵 Ladies and gentlemen, you have reached episode 15. If you're working through the timeline after these are out, kudos to you. Thanks for sticking around. That being said, thanks for listening, but this is our 15th and final episode of the Handsome Idiots podcast. It pains me to say it. I'm sitting here next to a guy who matched his house slippers with his Los Angeles hat. It definitely looks like someone that has never been to Los Angeles but owns a Los Angeles hat. Mr. Mad People's. Folks, we're calling it Fifty Shades of Beige.

Matty Peeps is here. I got dark tan slips. I got a light tan shirt. I got a very tan hat, and I have a circumcised unit. And an even lighter tan skin. And an even lighter tan for skin. It's tough for pale people to wear beige, but you go after it. I don't appreciate the way you said almost any of that.

I don't think it was a bold move. I thought it was a nice, casual look. Although I think beige always looks like you're a little sweaty, which I don't really like. It looks like you're wearing a white T-shirt that you're a little sweaty. Beige is a tough color. I've had to look into colors a lot. That sounds weird. I've had to. look into colors a lot that sounds weird i've had to first time yeah i had to so we have to have a color scheme and uh

which shout out to eventually my wife will listen to this episode and i love that after 13 years of us being together you finally pronounced the word scheme not scheme she calls it scheme i i think she was doing it as a joke for the longest time and then it just became her thing it was either that or it's just because she knew it was like driving me insane yeah she's like i'm gonna keep saying it on that so shout out to you she did say here's the color scheme it's a very nice fall scheme here's the problem i'm partially colorblind are you really uh it's like a gray green so like uh like an olive green and an army green sometimes look gray to me. I don't know.

It's weird. I think my brain is just wrong. That's like a dog thing, isn't it? Apparently my dad had it too, so it's hereditary, I guess. Wow. But I'm not colorblind enough where – I was actually talking to somebody about this yesterday. If you put those like – you ever see that video where it's like colorblind man puts on glasses that let him see color for the first time. Yeah, he starts like bawling his eyes out. I'm not that colorblind man puts on glasses that let him see color for the first time and he's yeah he starts like bawling his eyes out um i'm not that colorblind i wish i was because i

would love to have that aha moment yeah i'm like this is orange it's really underwhelming dude colors are not that and we're talking specifically about colors of the rainbow yeah colors are not that great did you i'm anti-color flip it actually looking at you right now I can tell you You are very anti-collars Why do you say that dude I'm pro-collars You're anti-collars We were walking a thin line here Anyone can edit this to sound very bad

But what I was saying Back to what I was saying Yeah so I've been getting into Trying to find a green shirt That doesn't look like I'm in the military. Like a button-up. When you look at a green, I got a green. God, I wish this was a video.

I have a green button-up that I'm curious to see if you would be able to tell. Oh, this is going to be like the meme where it was like you see a golden white dress or a blue and black dress. That's crazy, dude. They're just going to be like is i feel like you're just gonna mess with me and they're all gray i'm like i don't know three of them are three of them are army green one's a taupe that's not even green i'm 13 years old so i own two button downs right now one of them's gray and one of them's green nice so thanks i'm just giving you oh nice dude so that's cute good job damn that's crazy that yeah. And it's so, it's like, I mean, it afflicts so many people around the world.

So it's like, I'm a survivor is how I look at it. I'm a color. There are two colors too that it's like, it doesn't matter if you mix it. Because like, even if I was like, I used to do it. I had a, I inherited like an olive green suit from my dad. It was like a hand-me-down. And I also had a gray suit. And I would like, before work. Is that a supervillain? Why does he have an olive green suit from my dad was like a hand-me-down and i also had a gray suit and i would like before work super villain why does he have an olive green suit uh no he's just a regular

villain criminal he was just a criminal uh just a local he's a white collar criminal that's it just getting the job he had many suits i don't know and it was it was a good one actually he should i think we buried him in a well we didn't bury him he got cremated i think he was laid out of this funeral in like an olive green suit. I'll say this. Olive green suit, if you have – he was a little bit tanner than me. He had more of like an Italian – I almost said Amish. An Italian complexion.

So like you could pull that off. I wore it and it was just like, look at that pale guy. I looked like the guy from Channel 5. You're hurting my heart. Whatever color he wears. I always thought olive green was the color for me. I've worn olive green because I thought it really – No, but as a suit, it's tough.

I pull it off because you know what? Your boy looks good in a suit. I'm going to say this. If you want to – here's handsome tip number one. Yeah. Get a suit. Go to Goodwill even. You could get like a very cheap suit at Target and just wear it and don't wear it to look cool.

Like wearing a suit but like not wearing it so like not buttoning up your shirt all the way not like you loosen the tie don't start your suit day conor mcgregor yeah you're not a fucking model no you're not actually conor mcgregor is very buttoned up he's very tight tie like shirts button all the way up sometimes i'll have like a couple buttons down but that's after that's when you're cutting loose that's literally what i think if you're a white guy you never get to do that. Unbutton? How far down do you go? Alright, here we go. Here's a scenario.

You just were at one of the best weddings you've ever been to. You just danced your ass off. You sweat a little bit. You were dancing with the grandma at the wedding because everyone loved you. You cut a rug with your girlfriend. Maybe even a niece or nephew. A little one. You guys were nephews. you're all over the spectrum.

You guys are at the bar afterwards. How many buttons down are you going? You popped a good sweat. You put your work in. I got to be honest. I think I'm just – I keep it – you know what it is? It's a workhorse attitude that I have. A lot of people will say that about me locally and regionally.

I will roll my sleeves. This is a huge bugaboooo not to go too off topic so i'll answer your question i'll just roll the sleeves i'll go like one or two buttons down as an aside now this is after the wedding this is after the wedding looking dude i'm hammered and you have an undershirt on under there correct no no no see because if you wear an undershirt if you're a wife beater it looks like you're wearing a sports bra and you breast no that's what you have to wear a white t-shirt under a suit shirt maybe in a v-neck not a dv a v-neck enough where if you unbutton the top one you can't see the you know what that's one of the first things i've seen where the age gap really shows undershirts or a white undershirt underneath a button down you look like you're on to catch

predator and that's like what you're wearing for a kid date. Well, that's what sucks is most of the people that are caught on To Catch a Predator are probably right in my age range. Yeah, exactly. So I'm saying you walk into that house, you have a button down with two buttons down. You have a white shirt underneath. You have dark blue jeans and you have dress shoes on. That's what I feel like you have to wear. No, I'm talking about wearing an undershirt under a dress shirt with a suit.

Sure. And even that, I think it's no good. Oh, you can see your nips through it well maybe not yours your skin probably blends in with a white shirt come on you're the guy with the undershirt i don't know i mean i'm an undershirt guy i think you just let the nipples rub the linen throughout the night and then you find out what the chafing is like the next day you're just you're just at the after-hours bar. Two buttons undone, but just bloodstains.

Rects. And I'm just like, I'm too drunk, so I try to pass it on. You're playing it cool. You're just leaning on a pillow. I'm just like, sorry, I'm on my period. I'm on my gut, Pierre. I'm a GP. They leak when I dance too hard.

I don't know. Does that turn you on? I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to this wedding. Blood, sweat, and beers. Ew. Anyway. But I will say about sleeve rolling, and this is something I, dude. Oh, you might be.

I'm curious in the sleeve roll. What's your stances? If you are wearing a hoodie, not a long sleeve, a sweatshirt. Yeah. are wearing a hoodie not a long sleeve a sweatshirt yeah and you roll the sleeves up to the folds of your forearm dude i'm not even kidding i hope you join the taliban and then it doesn't work out in the first month and they take care of you now this is i i am in full agree thank you chip okay of those are words uh with the hoodie you don't do that and this is coming from somebody who you stated this ending on our first episode i wear a lot of three-quarter sleeve baseball shirts

yes i roll up uh so like if i wear a flannel like if you look on my instagram i think my default picture is that philly's funniest and i have a flannel with the sleeves rolled up yeah those are things you can roll sleeves up on even a long sleeve sleeve tee. Push them up. Yes. But a hoodie. But you push them up three quarters. Yeah. You don't go to the elbow. Because dude, if you roll it up. If you go above the elbow, you're also on to catch a predator. You always look like you're about to eat something messy.

People who have their sleeves rolled up that high always look like they're about to devour your bullet. I also love someone that has the commitment to wearing a like a non i love a non-zip up hoodie like hoodie okay but wearing that rolling the sleeves up because you're like well i can't take it off because then like i don't know it's weird for me when i put a like a non-zip hoodie on yeah i'm committing to i'm wearing that from the moment i put it on until i get home yeah but i still i'll wear an undershirt under a hoodie sometimes. I will do that, yeah.

You gave me shit because I let it hang at the bottom because I'm 14. Right. So I would rather die of just like I'm sweating and my wrists are covered in hot sauce than like roll the sleeves up. Or what I was getting at is taking one of those off in public never looks cool. No, it always looks ridiculous. In your mind, you're like, I probably look like when Brad Pert. Shout out to Brad Pert. never looks cool no it always looks ridiculous in your mind you're like i probably look like when brad pert brad pert he was actually brad pit brad pit stunt double brad pert a lot of people know this huge uh brad pert bradley pert yeah from uh north dakota i don't know dakota southern

when brad pit took his shirt off in fight club that's what i want to think i'm looking like when i'm taking my hoodie off but really it's like your arms stuck in one of the sleeves. Yeah. Your head. I have a big old head. Yeah. And I like a hoodie that fits well. So like I'm,

I fight through a lot of hoodie, uh, neck holes. Oh yeah. I got it. I got it. Especially like deep into a sleeve hole. Nike ones.

Like I'll go a size down on Nike ones. They fit better, but they did not do the math on how big my head is. Oh yeah. It makes no sense but yeah so that never looks cool so like that's what i hate too is it's right now is a weird time too weather-wise where like i want to wear a hoodie like i love wearing hoodies of course or like you get really excited because you bought one like in the summer yeah and you're like well it's been too

hot to wear this thing yeah and then you put it on but then it gets like to today where it was like 84 you're like well no i'm committed to wearing this it's brutal yeah this is the this is the wheel in between time where you're like in the morning you're like damn it's hoodie season then the afternoon and like early evening you're like i wish i was dead i will say though dude the only thing that you look more like a bitch taking your hoodie off when you're in public is taking it off in your car you ever had to take it off and you're like the only time i've ever made the noise when i'm like halfway through getting the thing off and you're like twisting and i've elbowed my i've realized i was just gonna say i realized the the number one answer to making that not suck is you just roll your window down yeah and you go

one arm out real quick yeah and then you do it but then with my luck i'd also be a person that like clothesline someone on their bike as i just put my arm out which i i've almost killed so many people especially like right where you live context i mean just for anger you know for wronging me and color you know well i'm learning a lot about colors i told you but like uh the main roadway where you live here i park around all the time to go to a bunch of stuff yeah and i just blindly open my door. That's – And I'm someone –

You don't even look for a car coming? I do. Well, cars usually they're not close enough. Like on this road. Yeah. It's wide enough. But bikes – and I'm also a person that runs this road three times a week. Yeah.

And I have yelled at people for opening the – and I still just – I – You yell at people for opening their doors? So twice I've only – I slapped the hood of a car once when I was running. Whoa. And that was just to like alert the guy to not hit me. Yeah. And another time the guy like – he had to have seen me. Like I had like a bright orange long sleeve shirt.

Like I purposely buy very bright running clothes. Especially like in the winter because I'm like I don't want to get hit and killed. Yeah. My buddy that runs also makes fun of me and I'm like yeah but i have a kid he does he's like yeah if i had a kid i'd wear yeah i wear like bright pink shit adventure i had a bright orange shirt on the guy like opened it i don't know the time was too right that one i didn't yell that i was like it was like quick like and i was also out of breath so there's nothing worse than like i'm like respect the rivers i'm walking you shit in the road um but usually i always err on the side of

like i'm wrong i'm a runner on a road where there are cars like this is meant for cars so usually i err on the side of like you're right i'm sorry like the way i always get like a humble like thank you for letting me run here but the time i slapped the guy's hood was right downtown where i live he's coming out of a one-way and he looked right at me as i was like running up like to the intersection yeah and i'm supposed to have the right of way because i'm technically a pedestrian right yeah yeah yeah so i don't run fast enough to be considered a pedestrian what else are you i'm the fastest pedestrian in that goddamn town i run so i actually run at a slow enough pace that uh we'll get back to the original story I was telling.

The one time I was walking and I was in like clearly in running gear. Yeah. Like you saw me running the other day. Like I wear a running hat. I love that. I love that one. Wow, good for you. It's cute.

It's my running hat. Yeah, of course. But some girl pulled up and she goes, hey, on your walk, did you happen to see a set of keys? And it just stung so hey, on your walk, did you happen to see a set of keys? And it just stung so deep. I was like, clearly. And then I thought, I was like, oh, yeah, if people don't see me when I'm running, I just look like I went all out and bought this running gear to go on brisk walks. Which is not uncommon around here. So, and which sucks is that, like, yesterday I ran, I ran 13 miles yesterday.

Jesus. And I actually ran by, I didn't say anything. I don't know if you listened jesus and i actually ran by i didn't say anything i don't know if he listens to this but i ran by uh andrew fox was at starbucks like right out front of where i was and i didn't i couldn't stop i was like close to the end and everything and i didn't want to stop and say hi so i was like i was running by there but then i actually ran by someone else that i saw that i knew and i was kind of walking at that point and i was like oh yeah that person just saw me and it looks like i am dying from walking meanwhile i was like 11 and a half miles into a very good run on your stroll it's like when people in comedy are like put that in your skit yeah how's your little stroll going bud but yeah then the other time we get back to the guy

clearly saw me made eye contact with me knew i was coming up there and then pulled out but was looking the other way yeah Yeah. So I like. He had like. It wasn't a Camaro Corvette. Something douchey like that. So I like slapped the hood. Out of just like natural reaction. I was like.

Oh hey. And he threw something. Italian at me. Italian. Yeah. So. Hey. What are you doing?

He out Italian'd me. And I was like. Hey. Oh. He's like. Hey. Hi. And we did the vowels.

And then I got out of there. And then he was like. You have my hair smashed. You made a scalpel. He's got coat i'm sweeping over here anyway um good skits yeah that was my i was thinking too when you because you texted me when you saw me running yesterday and uh doing our usual bullshit banter back and forth yeah i texted back you're like hey getting a good run in or something like and i think my response is like i was you know, some people are saying that I am the Jesus of the running community. Yeah, that's right.

I said that in talk to text to Siri as I was running past the bar right down here, which means people heard me say that. And I would have loved to have been on the other side of that. Like, clearly I'm being sarcastic. I'm dying in this run. But, like, those people saw it and they were like, is he just like talk to texting a motivational speech? They're not thinking that. They're like, that guy's the biggest fucking asshole in the Northeast. So that made me think though.

I want to become – because you see – have you ever seen like all the motivational speakers like on Instagram, YouTube where it's like David Goggins? Did you ever see his shit? What about Gary Vee too? That guy? Did you ever jersey david goggins like rogan always talks about him he's the guy that's like he's running and he's like i've been up doing this shit pounding what are you out doing like i want to do one of those but i also want to be like a lazy like i want to be like i'm out here doing this but like if you're not it's good if you're not man if you're not i mean do what you want to do but like i mean i'm, I'm here. I don't know. That's just so annoying, dude.

The fucking Gary Vee motivational stuff. Well, it sucks because you know that they're 100% like going that hard on it because that's their career now is yelling quotes at you that some girl is eventually going to put on her Instagram without like giving credit to that person. What is any other comparison for that to be a motivational business speaker who tony robbins like was the the beginning of that the guy with the big teeth yeah he's the one that birthed all these assholes but like that guy was actually like advising ceos and shit like these people are doing it for like you're fat and on the couch why don't you get up and change your life well the guy gary veal just be like how old are you and you'd be like i'm 43 and he's like you have so much fucking time you have so much fucking time like

he just yells you about the time you have and then the one i saw a video he goes he's some girl asked she's like what do you use for like daily motivation and he goes do me a favor and that's how he talks everything's so like quick and aggressive he's like do me a favor imagine the two people you love the most in this world she's like all right he goes now imagine they just got shot in the fucking face because every single day for 10 minutes when i'm in the shower i picture the two people i love the most getting shot in the face so you just start your you start your day first off aggressively crying i mean is what would happen i don't know no i'm saying if i if i followed his thing and i picture the two people i love the most getting shot in the face yeah that would mean i'm starting every single day by uncontrollably crying yeah and

then just going on like a conference call hey guys we're gonna go over quarterly numbers and i'm so excited to do it right now i think you're just like supposed to desensitize yourself to not love them anymore i so i hate that because there are times where like – I'm weird in that. Where like if I'm running and I'll have to like not like psych myself out. Yeah. But like if I'm – I have nothing left and I need to get home and I want – I'm like – I'll psych myself out with them. Like there is a human being waiting for you to get home. Like every second you're not home with your daughter is another second that like something else can go wrong for it. And it makes me run faster. And then afterwards I go i go oh i kind of hate myself for just doing that it's fair

but it's a luckily but i also don't then go on instagram and bark that out to thousands of people like just do talk to text calling yourself yeah just to you imagine those same people here you say that like somebody's waiting for you now i want to i want to see what i texted you i think it was like i don't know it was a full body nude and i was like you said you get that run in girl yeah i said nine miles into an 11 mile 13 mile skip humble brag uh you said like the good lord intended and yeah i said i thought it was a 9-11 joke oh no i was oh no i was just nine miles into a 13 mile run because you know what i mean it was labor day they say you're not supposed to work but i was out there putting

it fucking work grunting sweaty just hurting my body dude running will never make any sense to me it still doesn't make sense to me and i'm obsessed with it so become the guy that jogs backwards just around all of our well that's what sucks too is like there is wait is there a guy that jogs backward around here not so should i be the first there used to be so i used to work at the one bar down here and i opened every sunday morning and there was a guy that used to run with a big like eight foot long american flag yeah and he would just run up and down the street here he would do like three miles i was like that's one that's not that far of a run holding up but apparently he was like

a guy that did it like every day since 9-11 happened or something like every week or something god's sake and like the people that told me were like like that guy's like a hero i was like no no he's not he's a guy that carries a flag when he runs he's a guy with a drinking problem who doesn't like his family yeah and that drinking problem is running i don't know and also drinking yeah i mean if that guy's three miles, I could probably bang out three miles, I think. Maybe, probably not, though. Yeah. I mean, this wasn't coming from him.

He could be a national story. But that is the guy. He's the guy that ends up on, like, USA Today, where they're like, Bob Francis has ran every week since 9-11 while carrying the same flag. It's like, what does that do? Who is that for? Him, himself. Exactly. It yeah like self-serving there's there's not one person that probably like say you lost a family member 9-11 you're not driving by them being like yes i mean a lot of that's that's what i need

you're like get the fuck out of the road it's all that's all that's like symbolic shit of bad stuff like the 9-11 stuff where they have like the uh running upstairs or whatever it's like you're commemorating people's that's terrible but also have you seen when firefighters get in full gear and go to planet fitness and go on the stairs and they do however many no that doesn't count like it doesn't first of all it's really weird because when those people were running up and down the stairs they're dying yeah running away they were thinking about what their post-workout meal they weren't like i hope this guy and fucking this shitbag planet fitness and where are these steps what's funny too is like i used to i was i think i've said before and i was a big crossfit nerd for a while and there's a bunch of they call them hero wads yeah so hero workout of the day and they're named after like someone who died in afghanistan like

there's one murph for the guy that uh died in what's that movie see i clearly didn't do enough for me yeah they're saving private ryan's workout all right but like i'm those things sometimes but it's like how does how does a sweating in a in a essentially a a warehouse in a you know a industrial park commemorate this guy's memory i don't know i think you see it after i guess it keeps the person's name going maybe they're most of the things you see is just people doing like the steps thing which again like i said it's very weird because you're just like yeah you're doing that for you and like i'll tell you this you really want to commemorate the people

who died 9-11 hijack a plane and then save it from yourself yeah if you really go about it and land it safe and you care about that you want to commemorate the kids from sandy hook do long division learn it that day again in honor of them you know we're going down a weird hole now i want to get after this we're in there how are you up in this with running into i'm just saying stop stepping and give it to a charity donate to people's families or die don Don't go walk or step on things. I don't know. That's a tough thing too. It's like the most – not the most, but like the best charitable people, you should never know that they did it. That's –

It's an elite thing. I haven't donated a lot to charity. I've done my fair share of like giving back or anything, but I'm not – i don't post on instagram about it like i'd rather just one person know i did a good thing yeah then the 300 people because now my ratio is accurate oh good man that follow me to know that i donated to it in subtlety like the stuff that's going on in texas like i didn't say a word i gave my girlfriend an abortion and i was like this is for you guys down the cell. You didn't see me post about it. You didn't see me

put it on story. I'm a man of my word. I'm not doing it for social media. Visual gag on an audio only podcast. Matt hit with that literally baited me in i was like oh my god he donated so nicely as i was taking a sip of water hit with the the great punchline of and i hope your girlfriend never listens to this because you just outed her

as being an aborter and i had to hold the water in my mouth couldn't swallow it that's what she said cut it up anyway god ew i hate that i just did that um i said that's what she said that's all right i'm also gonna drink the uh coffee water i just spit into oh no it tastes like it tastes like exactly like my mouth say it's kind of makes sense exactly like my yeah but i don't know about are you a germaphobe no not even a little bit i'm the exact opposite i'm a piece of shit really yeah probably like if someone else not spit on you or like sweat on you you're fine with it uh i'm not gonna i mean i play basketball we're all sweating that's what's weird too like think about that like uh some guy you're he's posting up on you're sweating on each other yeah but then like if that same guy just bumped into you and wawa

yeah like this is the most disgusting thing ever. Yeah, it's definitely gross. But also if there's a sweaty guy in Wawa. Let's just say there's a guy who runs 12 miles and he goes in all Wawa. I did. I just ran into that Wawa to get water. I steal water from Wawa. Do you just go in and fill a cup up? Yeah.

I have a tribal pouch. Oh, boy. I have a soft flask and I run out. Actually, there's an arcade down the street from here. They put a jug of water out yesterday. So shout out to Ram Arcade. It's like a – Oh, they opened it up.

Yeah, they opened it up. I want to go there. It looks pretty sweet. They put a jug of water out and was just like, have at it, everybody. I saw that, yeah. And I will say this, though. I don't think the guy worked there, but he saw me filling it up. And I filled up the jug and then like like kind of held

it up to like say thank you to the people in there and i heard some guy over my headphones go cheers i hate that so i think we've talked about this before on here american people say cheers so saying cheers over me just getting water no also don't say it like people end uh zoom calls for work with it oh that shit's insane and they're 100% American oh I hate that and I'm like hey man it's been great talking to you

uh I'll get back to you I'll send you that follow up email yeah okay John cheers but they say it quick

because they know they shouldn't be saying and they know that they're gonna cheers and then hang up yeah cheers man oh I hate that so much we gotta give a man bun

also don't even be the bartender that like when you give somebody a beer don't say cheers oh yeah say cheers if we're cheersing if we're like oh dude was like hey matt great basketball game you're like me too i was like hey cheers even that's a little it's a little weird but it's not bad but that's a great

one because it's always like the bartender who has who's always like cleaning the inside of a mug he's always the one who wants to make a suggestion for you too yeah i'd be like tell me what you're into i'm like i don't know like naps all right i got you man actually got an ipa that pairs so good with a nap it's roofied yeah he's the one that like pushes the drink across the bar to you and then like puts his hands together and you think he's gonna say namaste and he gives you a half pound he says cheers cheers man now that being said you could be a cool enough bartender where i look the other way if you make a drink cool and you can do it i'll let it slide yeah just don't be a guy with suspenders and a mustache i'm picturing this guy with yes you're you're you're on the money all

black yeah he's got like a like an artisanal uh apron on maybe that you're like you don't need to wear that man like this is a bar in south what would the name be his name's like gas gas no it's like you think gaston nah that's from like that'd be like a French restaurant Beauty and the Beast yeah that's a big douchey guy nobody fucks like Gaston

actually probably one of the most handsome people in a I'll put that out there Gaston was a very handsome feller second to Hercules

who I look like I've been told before yeah people are definitely saying that people have said it to me you look like the fat you look like the fat kid that at the table

when they're doing the Hercules Hercules you look more like that guy than you do so you're. You look like the fat kid at the table when they're doing the Hark please, Hark please. You look more like that guy than you do. So you're saying I look like Eddie Murphy? Yeah. So you just got excited that you looked like a cartoon. No, you're saying that I look like – No, the kid's not Eddie Murphy. The kid's the only one at the table that's not Eddie Murphy.

Shit, I never saw that. Unless that was the greatest acting of all time and that was Eddie Murphy. I never saw those Madea movies. All right, I'm done drinking water that's hit me oh oh boy what were you talking about oh germaphobia what are you talking about after that are you germaphobic all right so i never was like uh here is a perfect example like if before i had a kid even still now if i'm holding like somebody's kid like my niece or nephew when they were younger, if they drooled on me, I would want to throw up. Or like the sight of – I used to not be able to watch like or see throw up or see people throwing up. Yeah.

Now having a kid has made me immune to that shit. Like I take my t-shirt and I wipe her face. Like her drool is all over my cheek like half the day. So like that oddly and like poop doesn't – so our cat used to throw up all the time. I would throw up as the time and i could never i would throw up as i was cleaning it up yeah and like to the point my wife would be like i'm just on puke duty and having a kid has desensitized me to all that shit and i'm fine like blood guts everything before having a kid i used to work in and i say you're ours and i was fine with that

but yeah puke and like so light i don't know spit and everything used to really gross me out and i played baseballs cock and loogies all the time but i don't know, spit and everything used to really gross me out. And I played baseball. I was cocking loogies all the time. Yeah. But I don't know. Yeah. People don't think about things in a, like, with a nuanced enough approach to really know what they think's gross. Like, you think of like puke.

It's puke. You don't think about like. Yeah. We're sitting on the couch and your buddy's like, oh, and it comes up and it's got like a bright orange and you smell it. Yeah. Oh, that's what used to always get me is smell i had the smell's huge dude so they always say like smell is one of like the biggest things in your memory too like it'll trigger things like you smell something you're

like oh my god little league baseball because i just smelled fresh cut grass yeah yeah yeah dude there is still a puke that is lodged in my brain me and my buddy chris were riding around in his mom's uh woody station wagon like the wood panel on the side absolutely and if you you may not i don't know you might have experienced this that was the original third row seating and the third row was the very back of the station wagon but it faced the other way so it's crazy this is way back in the day shit dude it's crazy i kind of want to get one of these now. That's fucking obscene. This might be my new goal in life is to get one of these station wagons.

Why do they got you like reverse cowgirling in the car? I know. And it was like four. So this is probably what caused this kid to yak. So it was me and my buddy Chris and his mom, rest in peace, one of the best people ever. She would just drive us around everywhere and like she would let us yell at people and like throw shit at like people on bikes. We used to hit people with water balloons on bikes. Yeah. I think in her car.

Maybe not. I may have made that up. That might have been just we were driving later on. As a kid, you're like, she's sick. Then you grow up. We later found out that she was a pothead and we were like, oh, I get it now. It all comes together. She used to laugh at everything.

But anyway, there was like her friend's kid was in the car who I didn't know. And that's a weird situation when you're younger. You're hanging out with like one of your best friends. Yeah. And then their mom's friend's kid from like six towns over is there. And you're like, I don't know. You're not into the same type of Ninja Turtles I'm into. That kid always has allergies.

Yeah. So this kid was the quintessential allergy kid. So we're on our way back from the mall. We're actually – I actually – I vividly remember this. We're driving past right near where you grew up. Right near where you grew up. Yeah. And this kid is in the seat in front of the

other angle seat oh no sorry we're all in the back very very back throws up on his own lap and i remember it was so yellow and disgusting and me and my friend chris dive over the seat to avoid this because you could like that's how this is safety features did not come into play in this car we're diving over and i just remember it was like a vinyl leather seat just covered in that and that smell is lodged in my brain to the point where like i used to bartend i remember uh cleaning up puke actually it was before i was even bartending i was patio security at landmark and somebody threw up and it hit me and i was like and i was for a second i was like is this that kid yeah all grown up and he's come back to get me yeah then that makes me think does

everyone like kind of run as like a bo does everyone's puke have like a do you have a signature puke smell well i'll tell you what i think i do and that's actually a great we're segwaying today i have a signature fart and i think that's right my farts remind me of my dad's farts when i was a little kid that's kind of sweet yeah every time i fart i just look up to i just point up to upstairs up to heaven i'm like that was for you pops yeah i was always uh when i was a kid i threw up one time and i thought that it tasted like uh like buffalo chicken pop it twist it bye and also i got a shamrock son i don't think they're giving us anything 10 off of the it. 10% off of the code. You know what?

100% off if you go on there and hack into the site and take stuff. Do whatever you want. Idiot at checkout. Fuck it. Ooh. Like it had that spice and it kind of like sit in your throat. Were you throwing up Buffalo chicken? No, no.

I didn't eat it. I didn't eat it. I didn't eat it. It's this crazy thing where whenever I puke, it tastes like the thing I ate. It's weird. A lot of semen pukes. So I, no, I think i was smelling it throughout the day not just like going up and getting whiffs but it was around people you just woke up yacked and we're like all right time for fourth grade so i

was literally by third fourth grade and then i smelled it and i threw up that night and then i equated the smell of my vomit to the buffalo and for the longest time i couldn't eat any buffalo shit until recently i'm a buffalo bitch you a buffalo i love everything buffalo buffaloes i mean it's got to be i think it's because you know how they say like we're so overstimulated that we we have a hard time appreciating like mild things like normal things yeah like so much access to content but like if you go fucking oh yeah and you're like oh the sport i think that's happens to our taste buds because all the process shit fucks with what our taste buds would normally like that's true human you should be able to eat like a steak and not need seasonings and then well yeah

that's true i try to you know do you use a lot now this is like the white people don't know you seasoning it's like i try to just buy the better version of like so if i'm gonna get a stay if i'm looking at steaks and this is like 35 year old good enough job privilege yeah like i remember like in college just i didn't think i ate a steak for the four years because i was just poor nobody's getting this but like if i'm looking at two i'm like i'll spend a little bit more because i'm not gonna soak that thing in worcestershire sauce as much like it's gonna taste better than the chip now if i'm not going to soak that thing in Worcestershire sauce as much. It's going to taste better than the cheap.

Now, if I'm buying the cheaper one, that's when I go all out. Worcestershire? What is that? You don't know Worcestershire? Is it like A1?

It looks like Worchester is how it says but it's Worcestershire. It's so fun to try to stay drunk. It's kind of like A1 but not as tangy. It's like the original A1.

Yeah. I bet you, I wonder if that's an age gap thing because I bet your parents love Worcestershire sauce. There's horseradish in it that's the best thing ever what you like horseradish no that's another thing i think i developed over like as i got older i love horseradish like on stuff like mixing uh we have this uh creamy horseradish spread you could put

that thing in cereal and i'll eat it it's so good it's from target you simply can't damn horseradish tastes and smells like the like the bottom of a boot am i too far now you're good just tilt it toward you a little bit i think that part's the part i was supposed to talk into episode 15 and we're learning how microphones work final one last one matt's been speaking into a shoe i didn't realize they're very hard to tell you know that i just taped the shoe string to the end of a can and listen if it's a shoe it's for me baby oh look at that popped up on the bottom there old shane gill big shout out to uh shaney gillis for releasing a special today yeah if i mean if you're listening to this you probably know shane gillis is but if you don't go on youtube look up shane gillis new special go to mad people's comedy look up some of

the videos on there yeah i was gonna say so go look it up but then close it close it and then look up hacks comedy gop it's way better i wouldn't even bother with that i think you just go right to mad people's comedy send me a message send me a full body nude male female doesn't matter to me bring it all out doesn't have to be of you that's a that's an even better point you got kids no that's kidding joking around having fun all right we're sharp sauce taking it back where are we at what are we talking to be of you that's a that's an even better point you got kids no that's kidding joking around having fun all right we're sharp sauce taking it back where are we at what are we talking about who are we talking about a1 something i don't know what'd you get into this weekend there big fella

nothing it was labor day weekend i uh mowed the lawn actually so i ran 13 miles that would go fair anyway as most people i'm sure did this past weekend yeah anyway i'm pretty elite um yeah i'm gonna go trip him. I get – oddly, I hate that I do. I get competitive like – not when I'm running, but like a guy passed me yesterday and he had like two full sleeves of tattoos. And like, look, he definitely kicked my ass. Yeah.

And he was like – he passed me. And in my mind, I make up this whole scenario. I'm like what he's thinking and what he says to himself. Yeah, yeah. And then like I was so like beaten up by the run that I was like what he's thinking and what he says to himself. And then like, I was so like beaten up by the run that I was like, I need to catch up to him. And then he just kept going faster and faster.

Yeah. So then I don't know where I was going with that, but I just, I got to stop like trying to compete with people when I'm running. Cause it's like, that guy might be on mile one and he's flying. I'm on mile 12. And I'm like,

this asshole thinks he can just pass. It's just, that's like, I think that's a guy thing where it's just like you don't want to fight a guy because you want to you want to hit him and beat him up you don't want him to be able to think like well it's so weird because i don't act out on a lot of like the like the competitive stuff in my head it's all in my head yeah i don't act out on a lot of it but i can't get that out of my brain of like it's probably a good thing it is at times but sometimes i just want i i don't think i'm i just hate that people are like still competitive like if you go say you're at a tailgate people are playing bago or cornhole

whatever you want to call it the guy that's got like a tally board he's keeping score and he's fucking like yeah that's like he needs that though i think that's so i think like i have silent competitiveness in my head but like to like yeah outwardly now there is like cocky i did literally on instagram just put up a thing saying like anyone on this roast battle list that wants some come get it as we're ranked like 14 i got like everyone's like no dude it's fucking we're not taking a fight with well yeah like i mean that's like sarcastic competitiveness well let me ask you this question that i'm going to speak and ask do you get any competitiveness while watching like when you're on a show or like at an open mic or no because i still think i'm at that point in my comedy life in my minor league career yeah as we were saying before we we're no longer calling

ourselves open mic comics we're minor league comedians we are we are triple a comics we're not triple a so it goes a double triple we are not triple we're maybe a double we're short season which is like before a okay i think we're a you might be moving on double anyway minor league comedians uh i think i'm still at that point now where i'm so worried about like doing the best i can yeah that i'm not getting like i need to do better than that guy which i'm glad i was like i just need to do i think that's one of the things the best thing i've learned in comedy is like the only thing you can do is like the best you can possibly do you can't strive to outdo someone because then you're gonna look like a dick and you probably aren't

gonna be funny oh Oh, yeah. I'm saying that as I was about to throw it back to you. Are you competitive? If you're my friend and you go up, I want you to do really well. I don't really care who does better between us. If you're – not to say – when I say friend, I mean like if I know you and we're like cool. Yeah. Like I still want you to do well.

Yeah. And I don't care who does better. If I don't know you well and you're kind of good i want to do better that's kind of okay yeah no i can see that i mean that's that's a healthy competitiveness yeah and it's just i mean that's what's gonna make you get better and yeah succeed more yeah i think that's a fair i think i got a lot of my competition in my life out, like out of my system. Yeah. I played baseball through college and a little bit afterwards. So like that competitive nature, once that like, once that dream died, if you want to say, like I was like, all right, now at that point I was like, baseball is just a thing

for fun. I used to play in like a men's league. Then, like I said, I got into like doing CrossFit and I got like competitive in that. Yeah. It goes in like local competitions. Yeah. And I, I kind of hate now that i did that but it was almost one of those things where you get so into something it's like

what's the end result out of this right so now that's why i kind of like taking a full circle back to running i'm not competitive in that at all other than like when i'm joking when i'm saying like someone's running past me i gotta pass that guy like i don't need to go run marathons like every three months like i don't need to sign up for shit i don't give a shit like if like i ran that ultra marathon thing and it was just to see if i could do it yeah like the competition was with me yeah i was so glad because like there's people that were like hurting themselves to like outdo yeah someone they don't even know also anything you say like maybe people who are in the running community and they might be like oh that's not great but you tell like me and like my roommate oh yeah 36 miles oh it's the levels

of shit it's like it's like when i tell people like i was doing philly's funniest at helium that aren't in comedy they're like yeah oh my god you're doing helium comic i'm like yeah and i only had to pay 25 to sign up and then wait really long and then make people buy tickets right but then you do have to like think of it in kind because my one buddy pointed that out the one time i downplayed like doing something i forget what it was i think it was a show and i was like yeah it's just a little show he's like hey you're doing something that like everyone we know doesn't and can't do yeah so like kind of relish that you got moved on yeah no and no no and like but like even if it's just like i'll do a local show not that we're like oh big league and like even if it's just like, oh, I'm doing a local show.

Not that we're like, oh, big league. To us, we're just like, ah, it's at some beer hall. But someone that's coming to that show, that's the coolest thing they might have seen that week. So I do like going in to shows like that. I don't know if that's – my competitive nature is like for me, I want to try to – I think we talked about this on the way back after we shut the podcast off, the way back from Asbury Park. I'm now getting comfortable enough where like, I want to find someone in the crowd that doesn't look like they're laughing. And I'm like,

I want to be the guy to make that guy laugh. And there was that old dude at that show who was just sitting next to the fan. And I think I finally cracked him like toward the end of my set. Yeah. When you got it. And that felt like so good. Cause I was like, all right,

I'm having a good set. I was having fun with people in the front, but I was like, it kind of became a mission. I was like, I'm gonna make that fucking a good set. I was having fun with people in the front, but I was like – it kind of became a mission. I was like, I'm going to make that fucking guy. I know exactly what you're talking about. I had a similar thing. So I – this past Friday, Saturday, I hosted for Aunt Mary Pat in Downingtown, Pennsylvania.

Yeah. You know around there? Yeah, Downingtown. It was like some Italian catering hall. Fun show. Everything went well. I guess I'll get – I'll tell a little story. There's a little story behind this.

Got paid in meatballs. It was great. Got paid in meaty bullies. I would love to get paid in meatballs. That would be incredible. I'm trying to think of anything I've gotten paid to. Hey, shout out to anyone that may book us. Skip the money.

Pay us in meatballs. Jesse Dram's show. You got free beers at the brewery and got to take a six-pack home. Nice. I got paid in edibles once. That was cool. That's pretty good. All right, there you go.

See, it's all fun things in comedy because we're not real people with no self-worth we'll take anything um so i did aunt mary pat and um there's a guy that was like sitting in the very middle so i came out of the gate and it was like hot out of the gate the set went pretty okay it kind of like taped it off a little in the middle brought it back in the end but like started out pretty hot and i'm like doing well doing a little crowd work opening up and going to a joke joke as well and then i see this big bigger guy almost said huge that would have been me bigger this ginormous freak of a man i see this fucking planet sitting right in the middle this guy he's in the middle which it looks like everyone's orbiting around him i was like what are you the floor so uh uh yeah i wonder why he

didn't like me so i uh i look at him and i'm like this guy has not laughed at me one single time and like everybody else starts laughing and he goes like this he just takes he has his hands crossed and he just lifts one hand up and kind of gives a dismissive like yeah so then like the show keeps going whatever i have a couple jokes and i'm like i do have an eye out for him the whole time you're mr crowd work so now yeah i'm a crowd i'm a hack so i'm like keeping an eye out for him the whole time and then i go back like i'm like six seven eight minutes into this point i'm like still not a single laugh and he literally goes i'm enjoying you like he's just kind of like i don't i'm not see that's tough too because then there are just people out there that just don't laugh yeah and

like you know he could very easily been like yeah it not funny. He just was kind of like, no, it's, yeah. One of my best friends is not a big laugh. Now, granted, I've seen him almost piss himself laughing at certain moments. But like,

he's the kind of person where he won't be like outwardly, but then later on, he'll be like, that thing was really funny about if I sent him a video or like something like that. Yeah.

I think I'm the opposite. I'm a very big, like, I'll laugh out loud at something. But yeah, there are some people out there that literally just don't laugh at all. Yeah.

But could be having, that might have been that guy's like best night of his summer. Yeah. He probably went home and was like, that was amazing. I don't even know if he like had fun or enjoyed it. But I mean, I think he was just kind of like, yeah, it's cool. Like you're doing what you're supposed to do. That's up to, because he definitely got dressed. Since it was an Aunt Mary Pat show, he definitely got dragged there by his wife.

No, he's by himself. He's by himself. Ooh, okay. Like dragged there by his wife. No, he's by himself. He's by himself. Oh, okay. Like a 50-year-old dude. There's a guy at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone that comes out to shows all the time, brings a computer, and just works in the back.

That's cool. They talk all the time. They're like, we don't know if he even, I think he even has done it with headphones on. Yeah. At weekend headliner shows. Yeah.

And they're just like, we don't know if like he just doesn't know where he is or if he's just like i think as you get older you appreciate atmosphere i just love right and now it's like now that people haven't been around i think we're lucky enough that like you have a roommate so like and your girlfriend so even during the pandemic you were at least around and had interactions with another human i had my wife and then daughter and like some family would come by when like everything was shut down but you gotta think there are a lot of people out there that literally had zero interaction yeah with another human face to face for what could have

been i mean they're probably there has to be someone out there still that hasn't left their house everything delivered and that had to be so that's where i'd like go off on these tangents where i'm like oh maybe that was that guy's first night out of where i like go off in these tangents where i'm like oh maybe that was that guy's first night out of like i don't know no i think it's a fair thought i think it legitimately could have just been like he doesn't get out a lot he's and that's a thing that's um another thing i thought about and i've also tried to like work it into a joke where like sometimes audiences don't want to be because if you think about it when you look at it like a very practical like um like bare bones

thing it's a group of strangers for the most part sitting facing the same direction looking at another stranger with a stick that makes their voice loud and the last time that they had to do this was like a school assembly yes and then they're kind of like looking at it and the it's like a weird thing where you know the guy on stage is like trying to be funny, which is like sometimes makes you less funny if you seem like you're trying too hard. So like I think sometimes they're like, well, I don't want to be loud and laugh. So it makes it like worse. So I've always wanted to be like, all right, so on the count of three, we're all going to laugh. We're going to get it out so you guys know it doesn't sound weird.

But I don't want to do that and then be like, no. Because that's really weird. But I think it's a decent idea just to be like, okay, you guys obviously feel weird about having a loud laugh. Or you feel weird about being the one to break the silence. That's why I give so much credit. When you see that person that has a weird laugh and they are just so comfortable with themselves. They're like, nope, this is how I laugh and I'm having the fucking time of my life. I have a genuinely awful laugh

and I'll let that bitch rip. Oh, yeah. I don't, I don't say it like that. No, you're terrible. Like,

a lot of people. It is. I didn't want to tell you, like, we, we both have access to the Instagram account. I've been deleting

a lot of inbox messages where they're like, can you just tell him to stop laughing? What's with the hyena laugh? They're like, listen, we get he's got a big dick.

No, it's, no one likes the way they laugh uh if you like the way you laugh you're a fucking piece of shit nobody's ever been like listen like my life's not that good but like yeah i'm really good at laughing pretty good can you imagine being the guy who practices laugh looking in the mirror he's like now that we're doing it i'm thinking of what my face is doing as i'm laughing and i'm like no don't do things that make you happy it's so ridiculous that is when you do finally see someone that's like so comfortable with like this is who i fucking am yeah it does you're like oh yeah i need to be more like that person but then i still will like i always laugh at the wrong time especially in comedy shows now because i think i laugh when i i'm like oh i know where this is going and it makes me laugh out loud before like a punch i laugh at a lot of setups

that no one else and i'm like oh i need to stop doing that but then i'm also like no that's maybe that's my thing i enjoy is a really good setup yeah i don't know you're not like interrupting i mean i think most comedians they get laughs on the setup. They're like, fuck, man, this is a killer bit. Yeah. You know, or it just means you have a very obvious punchline coming and it's not that good of a bit. But who knows? True. I have gotten that for some pretty poorly written jokes where they start laughing because they know what the punch is.

And then the punch comes and it's like, yeah, we know. Yeah. We get it. Yeah. It's a matter, you know, what can you do? But so. No, I'm thinking about now because I'm pretty sure my closer gets a bigger laugh on the setup than the punch and i'm like that shouldn't be my closer yeah let me just get rid of this joke like one of those movies where the ending starts at the

beginning there's nothing worse than getting a really good laugh at the beginning of your closing joke and then you're like bring it home johnny you're like and then that's why the snake was in the box the whole time i get we on dead silence and you're like you guys have been great i'm gonna go cry it's fucking a nightmare well i'll tell you about a real nightmare so night mary pat no i'm not hurt the show was brutal not show was good sorry i don't know what the fuck i said so uh three two one take it over so um i go i you know set goes fine everything's good and then as i'm coming off stage i'm going back in like the little green room they have set up for us and uh was it actually green uh no it was a snack bar i get so excited when like i'll see like

big name comics and they're in a green room that's actually green yeah it's pretty it is the color of what it says i have no idea like there's some i've seen that are like emerald green i'm like hell yeah but that's also an uncomfortable room it's weird you'd be like wow what am i doing this gray room you should freak it out why do you think it's called a green room right into us guys guys right in oh yeah i have no fucking clue you have no idea what it is what if you were like hey john just so you know every green room's literally green i'm like these great we're technically in a green room right now what is this um fuck so yeah so i go back into the green room because what so what she'll have happen and i'm not gonna i don't think i'm like spoiling anything before she comes out i have a question since you

worked with mary pat a couple times is mary pat referred to as she or he like is there a preference um i just say she talking about the character but i would say the characters who you were okay yeah and i don't really whatever so amp so amp comes out so amp comes out but so so the way that it goes is she was like you'll close out your set and then you'll be like all right she's gonna come out in a minute but we're gonna get you guys in the mood or whatever she'll play like she does a couple songs up top it's more of a variety show yeah her act is killer act no i have ants they've all explained it to me ever since i got into comedy you're like johnny that's good you're doing it but have you seen amary pat's new instagram video my mom the only one she's

excited for is amary pat i was like my favorite amary pat is a residency down in wildwood for like basically our moms like no exactly and she is killer so but uh so she's like you'll close out your set and then you'll bring me up and then you'll be like you know get in the mood for a little bit because the song will play for about a minute and then she'll come out during like the chorus or whatever so i'm like all right guys it's been my time you know start clapping like roarous unbelievable applause like i've never heard big guy in the middles crying at this point no so they start clapping and i'm like all right we're gonna get you guys in the mood but first let's have a couple tunes and as i go to walk off stage complete silence

like no music is playing at all i go back in the green room and she's kind of looking at me like and i'm like i don't i don't hear anything she's like i don't hear anything either she's like do you know what's going on i was like i don't know and i was like you better go out and do something and she's an ox cord i don't know i don't know i was like's like, I don't hear anything either. She's like, do you know what's going on? I was like, I don't know. And I was like, you want to go out and do something? Do you have an aux cord? I don't know. I don't know. I was like, I can beatbox pretty good. Meanwhile, the big guy's like, you know what?

That's it. I'm leaving. I'm done. This is, if there's no tunes, I'm not staying. I also wish it was like, you were like, all right, guys, you guys have been great. Now I'm going to bring out the reason you're here, Aunt Mary Pat. And he just gets up. He's like, nope, I came for you.

I'm leaving. No, just here for you, big guy. He turns out he's your biggest fan so uh I go back there and like she's kind of like all right just go out there and say that there's like like first of all the chillest like no like freaking no like what the fuck literally just like yeah just go tell him like yeah no difficulty so I'm like all right cool go out to grab the mic hey everybody there's been mic doesn't work so like just just talking into the void of people looking at me like because i just said like

you ready for some tunes and then i just walked away as if i was like doesn't matter fuck you guys so you're gonna come out and be like all right guys i'm gonna beatbox for the next 15 minutes i was actually you ready for some jew that's not is that Jewish music so yeah I go well I go I come back out I have no

audio so I'm just yelling into like what is effectively like a CYO basketball court and I'm like and then I'm like alright you know what

this is my brain sometimes I'm like this is your Eddie Murphy moment where you just take command of a show and scream the N word just lay

it out i've done it before we'll have my head i'm like eddie murphy i feel like the one place you're safe saying the n-word is probably an aunt mary patch oh yeah yeah that third one to get in they're like what's the password speak easy okay good you had to get that one in and we're back and we're black oh i have to believe that out yeah of course anyway yeah i mean what are you on your mind so uh it's funny shit though uh that's on our patreon it's 32 pesos a month wow that was tough to get out you're a b-bop that's what i started doing on stage so i uh so i go all right here's your eddie murphy moment take this show by the balls and i go so when i started my set i was like you know we're at an aunt mary pat show let's let's take a drink

together everybody puts their drink up they kind of get loose in the beginning like it gets rolling so i'm like you know what do you say in the meantime we do another drink i have no drink so i hold up like i'm force choking the audience holding my pinchers up and they're all looking at me like what the fuck dude yeah so there's an it's probably like 80 people there probably like three people are kind of like looking around and just like weirdly raising it no one brought you a drink fuck that nothing and they're kind of also looking at me like they're trying to help me out the guy guys to kill time i'm gonna come around and kiss all the delcom i was like he thought it was his Eddie Murphy moment.

Wait, explain to me why this is your Eddie Murphy moment. I always hear stories about Eddie Murphy like was this unbelievable performer that could just handle

any situation and make it work. So I always think you don't find those moments when the set's going well or things going normal. It's all these oddities and how you deal with them.

I didn't want to go out and be like, we're having some technical difficulties. I thought you were going to tell me Aunt Mary Pat's original opener was Eddie Murphy. It used to be.

Yeah. Yeah, it used to be. But then, you know, he, I don't really know. That's our Kelly. Anyway. But, yeah. So, all that being said, eventually the music comes back on.

She goes out. Does well. Everything goes great. Yeah. The whole kit and caboodle go home that's the night that's gonna be so incredible for to like for amary pad to do an amary pad show and know that like i'm not gonna bomb yeah everyone's literally here to see me do my thing that's say and i don't want to give too much of her like stuff out yeah she did tell me a story where she

kind of bombed and she was like bombing like this is like nothing you could ever oh yeah and you gotta just well because that i mean we say about like any because she's a lot of like music right like mostly active it's music but then it's bits in between yeah okay so like i can't imagine being a guitar comic and let's say you have three songs and you're five even in an open mic right but let's say you're doing a 10 to 15 minute set yeah and your first song is three minutes and it bombs and then you just have to continue to play music but somehow find the like attitude to be like maybe this next one's gonna get them yeah because at least like our i think my longest joke's like a minute and 10 seconds like so i'm like all right well it wasn't that bad that it bombed like it's like the equivalent like it's pretty like everybody

will say the worst thing to bomb in is during an act out. Imagine if your act out is 54 minutes long. I don't think I have an act out. You don't have – well, the one thing I remember is when I first started doing stand-up. I still love this joke because you used to act it out and you used to hit your knuckles on the roof of High Note because that's how low the ceilings were there. The sky hook. I've seen you a couple times catch knuckle on that. And that's not an attribute to your height.

The stage is a good two and a half feet, and the ceiling is like seven foot. Well, that's not even the act out I'm talking about. I'm talking about my first month of stand-up. I used to try to do a bit where I said that the koozie is the most ridiculous invention. It's the most white trash invention. It's not a good bit. How do you act out a koozie well it's not an act out i do a long southern accent for a while because i say like the guy who had to sell it he's like your mitts ever get too cold when you're shipping a beer and i had to do it for like a minute like i wrote it in there i

was like this is gonna kill and i was at uh somewhere in the order lives order leaves whatever leaves and uh i had to do it and i i've i give myself props i stayed in it yeah but then it was like co-rickets it was not like crickets like that wasn't funny it was crickets like that was really hard to watch they went outside and got crickets well i thought it was kind of funny open up the cricket door yeah cricket comedy so a lot of people there were probably like it's funny that i probably know them all like a lot of them now yeah but at that time they're probably like that guy's awful yeah i think i've said it before on here uh drew or sorry not not i've got them mixed up because they look so much like drew and naeem uh naeem always posts a video of like him at ortliebs and it's him like kind of going at the crowd he's like either laugh or don't don't give me these half laughs yeah and i was the half laugh because i

think i was like texting something and i heard the joke out of the corner of my ear and i gave like a huh like that's a clever one and he like turned it on the way he's like either come here to laugh at what i'm saying or don't yeah don't go in between and i was just like okay i'm the arbiter and it's funny because i think that might have been the first time i've ever seen naeem yeah but he still will post that video all the time and i'm just like i've seen the video yeah i'm i'm the half laugh that caused that yeah i will say one thing i'll add to this is a little bit of a side shane gillis i'm pretty sure dave premiano have to had to have been at the taping. If you listen, Dave Premiano has a very distinct laugh when he laughs hard.

Yeah. I've got to ask him next time I see him. Dave Premiano has a big laugh set, a good set. If you say anything about Judaism in a set up, Dave will laugh in the awkward part to make you have to do the joke better. Yeah, yeah. He'll shame people. He'll like shame people. He'll shame laugh people out of finishing a good Jewish joke. No, I mean, well, I thought he was at Shane Gillis' taping.

He might have been. You got to listen. It sounds exactly like it. Yeah. So give it a peek. Give it a little peek a row. Peek at the list. I don't know.

We're coming up on an hour. That was fucking quick-ski. Oh, my God. What if the timer was wrong? We've just been putting out nine-minute episodes. Just 57-second episodes. It was a solid episode. seconds solid yeah the minute yeah we're still just looking at beats and measures we're bringing back the 10 minute podcast with crystalia that was the first podcast i ever listened to that podcast is fucking incredible but it's weird to say it with crystal

that was how i got introduced to crystal league because i think i found it because of will sasso i still love and stand by will sasso is one of the funniest people he's only one to come out of that threesome of comedy. Squeaky clean. And you always knew if that would ever happen, he'd be funny. He's Canadian. He's got morals and he was too fat. The bigger you are, the less likely you are to be a pedophile.

That's true. That's in Corinthians, I think. An alleged pedophile. An alleged ped. Yeah, an alleged ped. We were about to wrap up, but I got to tell you this real quick. Did you ever hear the episode where they do the uh i heard them all serious singing were you yeah all sing for real yeah me and my friends did that on a public train one time and it was one of the funnier things

that's i think everyone else on the train was not a big fan but it's give it a try sometime yeah you oh i wish you would end up on a world star video but the opposite end of that is you just getting hit well you're you probably know this just from hearing that but are you you might be thinking Yeah, I wish you would have ended up on a Worldstar video, but the opposite end of that is you just getting hit. Well, you probably know this just from hearing that, but you might be thinking, like, what are you guys going into Center City doing an ugly sweater night where you're all wearing ugly sweaters on the train? Yes, we are. Oh, man, that's so cute. Yep, adorable. Yeah, I did, too.

I was a big ugly sweater guy. You know what? Save that for the Christmas episode. It's coming up. Speaking of coming up and coming out and coming on, what do you have on the horizon comedically? Well, I'll tell you right now since you asked me. And what I do is people ask me questions, and I give them nothing less, nothing more than the answer.

So to tell you that. This isn't vamping at all. Not at all. What it is is freestyle rapping. So I'll be at the, I don't even know if this is a show or what it is to be totally honest with you uh the kelly center in havertown pennsylvania on saturday uh september 18th and then on saturday september 20th or no sunday or saturday september 27th i will be at the V&V Adventure Farm in Chemung, New Jersey.

October 5th. What are the V's for, you think? Vagina and vagina. They're the two women. It's actually a law firm. It's a lady law firm. They're competing with Clinton Clinton. Bill Clinton. So, and then October

5th, I'll be doing a cricket comedy show in PVA, Upper Darby, Pennsylvania at Wilson's Barbecue. October 23rd, I'll be doing a two dads and a dude, two dudes and a dad show. That'll be a good one. Cassandra. I think I'm on the flyer. I don't know. We're supposed to be on their October show. October 23rd? I don't know. We're supposed to be on their October show. October 23rd?

I don't know. I'm supposed to be on it. October 23rd, I'll be doing the show with Cassandra D., LaMare Lee, and Robbie C. Shout out Rob Cody for lying to me, and I know you listen. Anyway, where can we find you, Matt? What are your handles? At Matt Peoples Comedy on Instagram,

MPeoples23 on instagram m people's 23 on twitter the that's it i'm so defeated that's it like a fucking eeyore um so i will be at uh in easton pa at uh pearly bakers purely bakers, the Easton Comedy Offensive on September 30th. I will be Cricket Comedy down in Glassboro, Axe and Arrow Brewing Company, Thursday, October 14th. It's a Thursday in Glassboro. So I'm going to try to get the whole crowd to go to Landmark afterwards. We're just going to – That's the Axe and Arrow? It's down the road from's down the road from landmark killer brewery and i will be there

all right i'm like shouting that i'm like i'm gonna get everyone to leave that place to go to landmark oh i'm going just now you know what i'm gonna not go there that's gonna end up all right well you know what all right i have to uh and i thought uh two dudes and a dad i don't know i i don't just go over this thing they said for our headshots so it could be well catch me there eventually rob cody oh uh i'll talk to you about if you want to be on this and you have to say yes because it's on the air now do it uh porch fest i will be collingswood porch fest uh doing on the 18th i think at like four o'clock yeah if you're free but uh we're uh rob cody is gonna hope rob cody and myself are gonna host uh at congress porch fest it's usually a music festival where people ride bikes around town all day yeah and uh he messaged him

and said hey can we do a comedy thing and they said can you keep it clean so we're gonna try to keep it clean i should try to do the cleanest set of there's a lot of families riding around but uh yeah come out and see that. Look it up at Connorswood Porch Fest on Instagram. Other than that, you can find me, Montag Comedy, on Instagram, Hacks Comedy Golf. And you can find both of us at Handsome Idiots Pod on Instagram. Follow it. Send it.

Like it. I'm a little bitter No fun, nobody, no fun, but I'm a little bitter