That Rules Podcast - Episode #18: Dr. McNuggets

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

Malignant is a terrible movie, and Matt has tumor nuts. Late Night cast and the boys were getting after it!!!

🎵 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. You have reached the end of the line. You have reached what some are calling a social experiment on if you give two very non-intelligent men audio equipment yeah and you give them a project you got 18 weeks to see if you can learn how podcasting works well guess what ladies and gentlemen you've reached week 18 but it's unfortunately the last episode of handsome idiots podcast i'm here with a man who is, I'm out, man, I'm out of gas already. We are 36 seconds in.

I'm here at Matt Peebles. Well, Johnny boy, why don't you fucking listen for once, dude? Listen to this. You idiot. I went to the doctors recently. Go to the doctors. I've been having like migraines and shit. So I went to the doctors recently. Go to the doctors. I've been having like migraines and shit.

So I went, this is probably like, I went on last Friday. So I went last Friday, go to the doctors, go to see them. They look through and they do like normal things

or like do you stare at screens a lot? Like are you exposed to a lot of sunlight? Is there like a lot of light coming in wherever you're living? They looked at you and asked if you're exposed to a lot of sunlight. Yeah, and I was like, I actually you're living and i looked at you and asked if you're exposed to a lot of sunlight and i was like i actually live under i actually wear a cloak i was wearing also can you tell us where you get that spf 400 well

i was in bad shape so they go we're going to do a more thorough exam we want to see if there's actually a real issue going on so they schedule me for an mri go the next day and as i go to the mri they do the whole scan i walk out doctors are silent like when i like we're going for a view and they're like i was like what's up like everything okay and they're like we had like you should sit down so i'm like all right this is like nerve-wracking so they go when you were born you were a conjoined twin. I fucking hate you. I hate you so much.

I get so excited thinking you had something. I'm going to let you keep. No, you know what? Keep telling your story of being a conjoined twin. Unfortunately, the twin was telepathic. And they were like, there's nothing you can do about that. That's always going to happen. And I was like, well, he can't control control electricity can he and he was like you're like wait he can't do backwards karate with my limbs well i mean that's what's tough is because i started whacking it with my arms behind my back

so now i'm just doing a full wrap and uh but yeah we're quoting the movie malignant you guys have seen it you love it emmy award winner? All right. So you just watched maybe a total of eight minutes of this movie. Yeah. On my guidance of what to fast forward through. Could you say it's

the worst movie you've ever seen and not even have to see the whole thing? I'm going to say it's probably top 11 worst films I've seen ever.

Top 11. And you've seen 13 films. I've films so nine films i'm just projecting there's two that i don't trust that i'm not going to give a try so yeah what matt's saying is malignant it's on hbo max this is our plug for it this episode is brought to you by malignant which is a tough word to say for white guys malignant there's a lot of ends and eggs in there what's up malignant white guys malignant there's a lot of ends and eggs in there what's up malignant yeah there it is see it's well we gotta get out of the way and the episode's over well malignant means it's uh gonna kill you malignant yeah it's a tumor that's gonna kill you but in i guess in the case of this movie hey spoiler alert guys uh it sucks this lady was born with a conjoined twin in the back of her

head that eventually gets cut off the limbs and everything but they push a conjoined twin in the back of her head that eventually gets cut off the limbs and everything. But they push the conjoined twin's brain into the lady's skull. That's right. And decades later, it comes back and it kills a bunch of lesbians in a jail cell. That's basically the movie. That's actually going to be our new podcast name. It's called Lesbians in a Jail Cell. Lesbians in a Jail Cell.

Which was actually the original title for orange is the new black they're like we gotta come up with something a little bit different i don't think they're ready yet for lesbians in a jail cell it's a little too straightforward like lesbians in the clink that's plus orange is new black like that's basically anytime somebody watches me play basketball that's their immediate thought i hated how many uh memes there were when trump became president and he took over for obama and like orange is the new black and you're like all right you're bumming everybody out all right thanksgiving dude i'll tell you i got a doctor story i really was hoping you were going to be like and i have a brain tumor and tonight i do we talked about ending it all on the podcast

on our final episode but i'll give you a quick time we did discuss your brain tumor before yeah one time when i broke my wrist the doctor was like a fucking underwood oh right he's like no big deal but you do have a small tumor on your brain probably fine which is like it's always great when the doctor's like probably fine yeah so the trying to do the math here of like you're like ouch my wrist they're like we gotta put your brain under a machine well they wanted to see if i had a concussion they were like strong boys might have a concussion did you break your wrist hitting yourself in the head i fell off a car i was holding onto a car while i was skateboarding oh right we did talk about this that was the uh the the road trip i skip i rip i do it all i got tits but out here so here's a quick doctor story

this one's actually might be more entertaining i don't know if i ever talked about this i hope it's just you telling the plot of like patch adams and then you're like and then that was when i put my red nose on and died of cancer it's actually just titanic it's nothing to do with doctors the year is 1912 i'm skimming for every dollar i got all right so i go to the all right this is a very personal story for about three weeks my balls hurt you ever had your balls hurt before not for three weeks but like yeah yeah so get that random i did for lady listener, can you describe what the ball hurt? To get as specific as humanly possible, it was right in the nugget taint region. So not your balls.

No. They would kind of ping pong back and forth their exchange of paint. Okay. So I go, I got to get these nuggets looked at. So I take my nuggets to the nugget doc because I'm scared. I feel fear. Dr. McNuggets is such a great name. Dr. McNuggets.

So, you know, got to go to the doctors. My doctor is a nice woman. First time meeting her. Probably not good. So I go in there and she's like, got to take a peek. So she goes in. That's always and i credit the doctors man they are so good at like telling you they're about to look at your junk yeah and

doing it in a manner of i remember the last time i went to a doctor it was like so quick she was just like and here and like just pointed at my waist and i was like yeah that's a waste and she just lifted my shorts up and looked and she was like it's all there that was that was the whole scan it's it's impressively it's impressively um what's the word when something's not set platonic it's an incredibly like obviously you would think it would be it's our guy brains that are like oh you know whatever yeah we've all seen too many films of course i'm here to look at your nuggets and i'm not going into this doctor's office being like oh just hope she's hot, whatever. She's a regular, like, 50-year-old woman.

You're fluffing in the lobby. You're just getting yourself a little chubbed. You're kind of hoping your guy's going to show up a little bit. Oh, no, Dr. Dick is always the worst. Dude, mine look like a puppy laying on a beanbag. Yeah, Dr. Visit Dick is... And an awful look.

And rightfully so. Like, I'm sure no doctor, even if there is an amazing presentation of a phallic region, I'm sure no doctor, even if there is an amazing presentation of a phallic region, I'm sure no doctor is like, cancel my appointment. Yeah, she's like, I've got to get mitts. I don't know where in the Hippocratic Oath, but it's like, I promise not to tug my patients. Well, I'm good.

There's no tugging, just chugging along. So this is the worst part. She's like, I'm sitting down. She looks, she's very thorough she's like don't say anything don't feel anything do me a favor stand up and bend over so i gotta stand up bend over and i'm it's one of those things where like you know i guess there's a finger going in my ass i love it she just but also is she just maybe like the mechanic that's got to look at the engine from another angle?

She's like, you know what? I'm just going to look at it at that angle that in porn is the most disgusting. When it just balls from the back. Oh, my gross balloon nut. So she looks there. She's like, everything looks good. I'm going to send you for whatever the, an ultrasound. So I'm pregnant.

So I go to get my ultrasound like a week later. The ultrasound technician comes in. Basically, it's just a stranger rubbing petroleum jelly, whatever the stuff is, on your nuggets for like 11 minutes, which is a long time. It's a long wait. Just the rub? She's just, you know.

But you made it sound like before she even put the device on to do the ultrasound, like she's just like, I like to make sure I get the surface really covered. Well, the weirdest part was that she did it in the lobby. Yeah. Here we go. With her mouth. Yeah, that was weird, too. She's like, oh, I gargled it.

I want to start a procedure now. They don't taste in flames. She's like a sommelier for cancerous balls. I'm getting nodes of gooch and nodes of honey and ginger that's right honey so honey ginger is definitely your stripper name if you ever get into male stripping easily dude or ginger snap so all right so uh so i get a call like the next day and they're like hi matt we uh have your results for your um whatever it is your ultrasound do you have time and i'm like oh jesus yeah yeah yeah she goes so also yeah i'll make time if it's involving my nuts i was sitting well the worst part is i was sitting eating a burrito in my car outside of Chipotle.

So it was like my life's not going well to begin with. What if that was their thing? They're like, have you been sitting a lot of burritos on your lap in your car? We think you're overheating your nuts. You've got Mexican balls now. But so she's like, you do have a small tumor in your bone. It moved from your brain. How many tombs can one man hold down on the Tomb Raider?

See, that's what it is. You are actually six foot, but technically you're six four just because of all the tumors in you are elongating you. People are like, does your hair make you taller? And I'm like, no, my cancer is tombs. This actually isn't hair. This is all just tumors. It's all tomb, baby. Tiny, wispy tumors.

Tiny, wispy tumors. Tiny wispy tumors sounds like a guy in The Night Before Christmas. It also sounds like something like a vocal exercise to warm up before Broadway. Tiny wispy tumors. Tiny wispy tumors. Dr. McNuggets. Dr. McNuggets. Petroleum jelly. Red, yellow.

Damn, we're not getting into that one again. Red leather, yellow leather. I nailed it. Anyway. There it is. Back to your nuts. But then she's like, yeah, it's benign. And then she was like, it's just chill.

I was like, all right. So your nuts are mad okay. Anyway. You got ill nuts, cuz. You're like, hey, is there actually a doctor there I could speak to? She was like, no, have a good one, and then hung up. Yeah, she was calling. She's like, bro, your nards are fucked up.

Nards. I forgot that that was an actual term. I love bringing bringing back weird old words i tried to bring dweeb back for a while yeah calling people dweebs was pretty fun it's dweeb or like yelling something like that or just call somebody a dork is so good love to work whenever somebody's acting up in public and you're like stop being such a fucking dork like in traffic nobody can come back from a dork oh dude and then like a quick – this happened a lot. Like college – drunk college bar tension. Some guy like talks shit.

I'm like, fucking dork. Yeah. Because it's just fucking dork. It's so many good concepts. The only answer is punching – getting punched in the face. Yeah. You have to. You have to at that point.

I've ripped a couple. But what can we do? So balls are in great shape. Brain is even better. How are you feeling there, Big J? Balls and brains. Balls and brains. But, you know, what can we do? So, balls are in great shape. Brain's even better. How you feeling there, Big J? Balls and brains. That's the only. Listen, dude.

I never get anything else checked out. Just my wrist, my brain, and my balls. There's beauty in the beast and then there's the beauty in my balls. And, you know, what can you do? So, you were in Ballston. I did. I went up to Ballston for work. I was like, I keep telling myself now that i'm traveling again for work i was

like i'm gonna make the most of it i'm gonna piggyback like comedy on top of it yeah and then the only research i did was like as i landed on instagram put up on like the stories hey anyone know anyone in boston yeah i got nothing back so i got like six people that were like use google i'm like all right fuck off like that or the bad slava is that what it's called it's like an open mic website oh yeah but it i feel like every time i've ever looked at it it hasn't been updated since like seinfeld first got into comedy yeah and it none of them they're like no that bar burnt down i was gonna say that comic killed himself weeks before if you're gonna try to find yeah so i thought about it and then the funny thing was uh i realized that for three days walking to the convention center in my hotel

because i was up there for a trade show yeah i walked past laugh boston every single day so i was literally walking past one of the major clubs there but i guess it it's only open wednesday through the weekend what are the big clubs? Laugh Boston? I forget. Whatever. I know Wilbur is the theater everyone does. I was going to say, Wilbur is the only thing I know. Yeah, I showed up there.

They were like, sorry, we don't have an open mic at this regal theater now. You guys aren't running the mic here? Yeah. So, yeah, I gave up. It was kind of nice. I just gave up on trying to do anything comedy. And I was like, let me experience Boston. I was up there with a bunch of people I work with. And I was like, oh, let's go to a red sox game they're playing the mets we were literally

like it's we're downtown we're in like the seaport area we're 10 minute drive to the stadium no one wanted to go with me like i'm like guys i'll buy your tickets like so no one wanted to go they don't want to go it's money or is it i don't know if it was me or oh they want to go with i think everyone just wanted to go to a hotel bar across the street. Like a bar, sorry, like a random pub across the street from our hotel. And then we just want to eat and drink. I was like, yeah, we can do that at the baseball game. Yeah.

We did that last night. So anyway, I go on StubHub and get a $90 ticket front row. That's pretty sick. I could have, if the ball girl got knocked out by a line drive and they were like i was right there they could have been like you throw this woman's jersey on you're the new ball girl is that what they do they just carry her i think that's how you get a job as a ball girl but you have to drag her off the field yeah um but yeah so i sat front row and it's funny we talked about this before like doing things by yourself yeah i forgot how much i loved doing that

until i went it ended up being I got like a decent buzz with the people I work with we had to go like this happy hour that they were just giving free booze out so I was like I mean a couple of these for free it was no it sucked it was a corporate happy hour outside of a convention center in like a lawn area so they had those like the jumbo yard games like jumbo connect four and i guess regular size bago jumbo jenga and stuff like that so there's a bunch of young corporate professional people of it really cut and loose fun and dude listening to like the trash talk during jenga like it's just like some guy being

like sally you don't even know this movie i'm gonna make accents or no it's all over the place i only ran into a few boston accents because everyone was coming in from out of town to this thing. But it's funny. I'm sure it happens when people come to Philly and they check into their hotel. But the guy who checked me in at the hotel, usually you think, all right, works at a hotel. Probably speaks pretty well. I walked in. He's like, hey, what's up?

Okay. Sorry, that was a Philly accent. I'm very tired. He went Boston Accents. I won't even try. Anyway, went to Fenway Park. $90. I'm sitting front row. It was the exact first time I've ever been there, which was

amazing. It's a sweet stadium too. It's built into the city. It's a city block. I'm pretty sure it's one of the three oldest stadiums in America. Minorly, professional, everything. It's pretty cool because you go in there and there hasn't been any sure it's the it's one of the three oldest stadiums in america yeah like minor league professional everything yeah and it's pretty cool as you go in there and there hasn't been like any changes to the stadium major changes like it looks like i imagine what it looked like in 1910

when you walk in there like it just it's really cool looking and uh i ended up like yeah front row was me and then another guy so there was four empty tickets when I got mine yeah in the first row and then as I bought it one of the tickets went away so like alright

somebody else scooped one up okay so I go down it's this like really big heavy set guy and he's just like he had this look on his face like I don't want to talk to you

like I just want to enjoy the game and I was like alright so I sat down I did the move where I just climbed to my row from the row behind it so you didn't have to even get up huge move cool it's it's it's a huge move but also that step over the chair if you fail and you're in the front row do you step onto the seat as it folds down or do you step i will if i'm not stepping on my seat if i'm stepping on somebody

else's because i don't want my footprint to get on my butt when I sit in my seat. Okay. So, again, it was like a little soggy going into the stadium. Some precipitation had fallen. Okay, it's soggy. So, anyway, so me and this guy are like sitting there not speaking a word at all. Yeah. And then like something happened in the game, and it was just like the dude in us couldn't like deny. Like we both stood up and we're like, fucking awesome, right?

And he's like, that was awesome. And then it was just open conversation from there. Here, this guy, I guess, was already at the game. He was sitting out in the bleachers in center field, which are, like, $20 tickets. Super cheap. And he was like, dude, I was just surrounded by these people. I couldn't stand. I'm here by myself.

I came down from, like, New Hampshire or something. And he's like, so I went on StubHub and saw this ticket and got it and I was like, oh, the thing I forgot to say was this stadium is the first stadium I've ever been to where it feels like

you could just walk in from the street, no ticket, and somebody probably wouldn't even give a shit. the guy kind of nonchalantly was like, hey,

just scan your, I don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, and you go right to your seat. They didn't check my ticket to go to the front row. It's fucking crazy.

They didn't, no usher checked my ticket. So I said to that guy, that guy's like how pissed off are you just spent 90 dollars and no one i was like you're probably begging people to look at your thing look please look i did validate this but no it ended up being awesome uh i took a walk around the stadium afterwards to try to find uh the scene where they filmed the town the final scene in the movie the town with ben affleck jeremy renner they have the shootout at fenway park yeah so i had a pretty good buzz going was drinking some uh sam adams hazy ipas you orchestrated a shootout and i was just yeah i was just drunk walking along and i was like i kept seeing other people i'm like there's got to be somebody else

here looking for the scene from town yeah i think they're smart and they in the picture i found they have like Gate E is the name of the gate that they came out of. There is no Gate E when you walk around there. So I think they changed it

in the movie to like, fuck with you or they renamed them or something. That's ass. I got really excited for that. I texted my buddy

who's like, me and him both love the movie The Town. We've watched it a million times. We talk about it all the time. And I was like, guess where I am? And he's like,

fucking Jem. And I'm like, I don't even remember't remember jeremy reiner's character was jim i also tried to find blake lively who blake lively in that movie trashy boston blake lively might be that was that's the one thing that like blake live has always been the one that my wife and i can agree on that like we she might love her more than i do yeah and i remember after watching that movie you're like oh that's obtainable blake lively yeah like you could run into that girl at a dive bar and tell you went to high school with her yeah yeah oh that that character what the hell's i can't remember her name in the movie but she is every girl if i go back to like the bar that my town all goes to yeah which i think you're a nurse now not even a nurse like was a nurse but got into pills okay oh she got into being a nurse for access to pills yeah which that's pretty common

i think yeah it's not uncommon at all well yeah i don't know if you get into it for that's a pretty long game to get pills yeah i think it should become a nurse and then you get into the well they say they they say if you want to make it you got to be willing to put the long hours in and these people are like is that what the book where they talk about 10 000 hours yeah that's nursing school that's uh that's everything here was that guy charles goggin or what the fuck is that guy's name is it david goggins david goggins that's the running guy isn't it yeah but that's what he was talking about he's talking like people to get in like nursing programs to start doing pills heavily it's more accessible after two years in nursing school. Okay. Right.

It's like chapter eight or nine of the book he has. He has like a whole long thing. He's like, join like a local nursing school. Did you read that book? No. What?

No. No. Me? Huh? You rattled off. I'm illiterate. Dude, I'll tell you one better. That movie,

the fucking... I've never read a book. Fuck you. I don't even know what books are. People talk about it all the time and I get frustrated.

What's the movie called again that we were just talking about? The Town. Here's a bad trait I have, and this movie's involved in this. If I hear that a movie's good, this is what I'll do. Because I watch a lot of movies, but if I don't have time, I will read the Wikipedia plot, and then I'll watch the final scene on YouTube.

I'm such a piece of shit. I've done that about so many movies. I can't do that. I never watch The Sopranos. I know how it ends. That's so weird because I love getting emotionally invested in stuff. Getting emotionally invested in stuff

is so... I have it for certain shows. I don't have emotions. It's so exhausting. I wonder if it means i'm too invested or i'm retarded that's just how you've always dated girls you're like hi how are you can we just skip to how this breaks up like no for your introduction and then you're like how are we gonna break up in four years i wish but that way but no i will literally like i've done

the sopranos game of thrones man that is i and know what's funny is like the people that are listening to this right now hate you because they're thinking of all the work and time and you just fucking loopholed your way into still being able to talk about it and be relevant in conversation. Dude, one time my buddy knows that I do that and it was like me and him and like some of his friends and they started talking about – I think they were talking about The Sopranos. And I was like, dude, the ending was kind of sick. I like how they would do it where the door would open, somebody would walk in, and then it goes black to tell you that he died. And they're like, oh, I never even thought about that.

And my buddy's like, fuck you! You didn't even watch it! And I'm like explaining the ending to these guys. That's terrible. That's like a new level of sociopath I've never even heard of. I rock it like a Polly Pocket, dude. I don't even listen to music. I just look up lyrics and I'm like, yeah, wasn't that fourth album on Drake's new CD good?

But that's what people do. People are like, yo, Kanye's album was trash and they listen to like four songs. And it's like people do that. In their defense, his newest album is 27 songs long, right? Yeah, it's very true. I actually find that. And a lot of them are just his mom's heartbeat spoken word dude apparently they do that because the more songs jesus i'm high no i'm not really high i shouldn't we're not high we're sober kids but the reason they do long track list go you You make more money because it's more songs to be played.

So that's why it started to happen more often. Drake, his album before this one had like 22 songs on there. He has like an exclusive partnership with Apple. And the more songs you put out, there's like more money to be made off of it for some reason. You didn't really explain that algorithm that well. You're like, the more you make, the more you make the more you make and that's it it's in drake's song he says it dude i can explain to you the ending of sopranos if you need me yeah but uh yeah so you know i'm basically what i'm trying to say is i'm coming out with an album 43 songs long 43 songs long

well so it's funny because for the longest time like albums were always like 10 to like 13 at the most and that's the sweet spot remains but there was always like when i was younger there's a bunch of like not they were like this was pre-pop punk like i think no effects or mxpx one of those has like a 27 song album but no song is longer than a minute and a half yeah but they're and they're just like quick like but they're all completely different songs well they usually release like deluxes and that's when they have like a bunch yeah well because that's where the deluxe is always like here's the studio version here's like the b-side here's the you know the demo version stuff like that which i like when bands do that because you get to see like what a song sound like when they first wrote it yeah then

when they recorded it and then now they were talking about that the other day i was listening to an interview with uh metallica because they just hit like i think like a hundred years they've been a band or something and they were like do you listen to any of your songs now and wish you could do stuff different yeah and the one guy was just like no like we are fucking amazing yeah of course what a dumb question it so but i think some bands do hear that because now actually during the pandemic i had a couple bands i like did this uh they like will do like a reimagined version of their songs yeah where they'll do it like acoustic or add in like a weird instrument or it's sick it was pretty cool the one band that i really like, The Wonder Years,

which if you listen to the name, it's a dumb name. Great band. Philly pop punk band. They had one song and he said that our goal of the song was to just be like, have it like driving like real fast, real hard to get like emotion out of people.

He's like, and I stopped and thought about it. And he's like, I bet you I could slow this down like 10 times and still pull a different emotion out of people. And I was like, man, that's so deep. I just write jokes about how farts are funny. It definitely sucks.

That's one of the sucks when they say comedians are artists. It's like, we're not. Dan Soder has the best day. He's like, we're clowns. He's like, we're circus clowns. He really is. That's why I don't like other people. That's what I like.

No, he's like, I'm not an artist. There's no two drink minimum at the Met. That's good, yeah, yeah, and I forget who else said it, but they're like, the reason like,

people can heckle comedians and not like, people in musical theaters because somebody in the middle of like, fucking cats can't be like, I'm so fucking high right now. We just feel like,

I'm hammered right now. That would, oh, can we start making that a thing though, like Broadway heckling? That'd be incredible. We just go like, you call that a cat? Nancy Prichard.

But it's still like the old... Sir, you're a fan of the opera. I don't know. Well, none of the fans at musicals would do that. So you got to start injecting like the 48-year-old guy who's divorced, who's hammered at the comedy show. You just got to put him at like Hamilton. True. You know?

Yeah. Oh, just get like a racist guy in there and he's like Hamilton wasn't black I'm calling rap was not around back then I do not think I'm pretty sure no one wore Jordan one eyes this is all during the show he's like oh I gotta call my cousin because I think this is horseshit I looked it up I got got my phone. Steve. Yeah. Yeah, I'm at the Hamilton. Yeah. They're talking about rapping music. Did you watch Hamilton? No. I gave it like

maybe five minutes. And there was so many people that are like, oh, the soundtrack's incredible. The soundtrack's good. It's great to just listen to it. And I'm like, eh. So I gave it and it was, just didn't do it for me. A fun thing about me is top five things I hate the most, musical theater. Hate it.

What are the other four? I can't say. Musical theater. Have you ever been to a, like a big production of a play? Yeah. I saw the Rockettes. Is that, that's more of a stage show. That's not really a play, right?

Well, a girl, the girl I dated in college was in the musical theater department. So I went to a couple of her shows and I was like, gee. That's why you hate it. It hurts too much. Hated it pre-her and then during her I had to lie. Hated her. I just wanted to fast forward to the breakup. And she was in it so I had to go to the shows.

And then like theater kids. Have you gone? No, yeah. Theater kids, the worst. If you're listening as a go to the shows. And then theater kids. Have you gone? No, yeah. Theater kids, the worst. If you're listening to this and you're a theater kid, stop. Stop doing comedy. Stop listening to this. I mean, we're okay.

We don't need you. But again, chemist stress. Stop doing comedy. Yeah, get into improv. Have you ever gone to Broadway and seen a show or a big one in Philly or anything? I don't think so. I will say my parents did a good job of taking us to cool, fun stuff. They exposed us to everything.

I went to a million Phillies games. I also saw Fan of the Opera when it came to Philly. Going and seeing stuff like that, I will say, you might have a new appreciation for it. One, just like everything that goes into it, it's so coordinated. So if you look at it from that sense, where you're like,

the timing of everything is so amazing because like if one person's off everyone's off yeah but i guess the ones i saw weren't really like big musical numbers like i saw one called sideshow which actually shit was about conjoined twins that was on broadway that was we used to do a trip up to new uh like to new york city every year in the winter and we would see a play. We saw I'm trying to remember who we saw. Family Opera. I will say that one is incredible but those musical numbers aren't

really big 20 person musical numbers. It's just one woman hitting amazing notes and then a dude who's just an incredible operatic singer. I can work with that. So that was cool. I just can't do it. I hate the way they talk. I hate the way they sing. Yeah. Where but they're like i've come to the city to chase these dreams dreams that's right i have them and you're gonna learn about them the talk turns into dreams here my

dreams in front of me oh i mean it's it's just the disney movie formula on stage i hate it well i like disney movies i'm starting to i so now having a baby, she doesn't even give a shit, but I just need an excuse to put something on. Yeah. So I've started putting on a lot of Disney movies. The older ones don't do it for me as much. I remember the newer ones, the fucking musical numbers are incredible.

Like, I just watched Frozen, finally. Yeah. Great flick. Hadn't seen it yet. I wanted to save it, and my daughter's, like, drooling on a, you know, a bag of blocks. She's not even watching. She's like 14 or something. a you know a bag of uh blocks she's not even watching i'm like

i'm like are you gonna look like elsa is about to find out if she can get over her fear are you gonna start letting it go or not yeah so that moana was a good one too yeah i didn't know i that was the ones where like i thought i knew the whole story your approach yeah i was like yeah moana's dad is the rock it turns out i am wrong dude honestly fuck the rock too how about that hey you know what he's sleeping right now because he's got to get up at like 2 30 in the morning to do all the lifting yeah and then tell you about his cheat meal yeah i mean that guy's on steroids anybody who thinks differently you know i could sell you a timeshare in chicago i just love like somebody like The Rock or John Cena.

Yes, they work hard. But also, they happen to have been born six foot four. You are and you suck. Six foot six. Six foot four, freak genetics. Yeah. And your entire life has been having an amazing physique. Thank you.

That's your career. So you have a shit well yeah yours and I mean you're doing it no help yeah of course and it shows yeah like imagine having like a chef a personal trainer to tell you now go lift that this many times yeah give me your phone stop looking at Instagram in the gym and then also here's steroids that's a huge component and that you do not that are financed by your production company

the fact that like anyone ever thinks like they're always like oh yeah and this is like the third time I've forgotten his name he was in a musical

he was in Les Mis but he's also Wolverine Hugh Jackman Hugh Jackman we couldn't remember his name on another podcast I think we called him Liev Schreiber

which wasn't far off because he played opposite of him and I think we also called him Dannyy trejo i don't know but hugh jackman like everyone's like yeah can you believe that just through dedication and you know commitment to his craft he got stupid shredded for wolverine you're like no that's a guy who like majored in tap dancing in college yeah and they're like you're tall enough

here you go here's some steroids you're wolverine now it's all ticks it's just a little bit of steroids lifting is so not hard that's why so many big idiot guys do it it is you are picking up something kind of heavy yeah and then you're moving it and then you go put it back where you got it i love it yeah when you bring it down to the basic well if you do it with anything like basketball is you take round thing put it in round thing yeah but take it back from the other person and put it back in but i think if you show if aliens came to earth and you were like you have to aim the ball i hope they would kill you first for saying earth that's how well that's dude listen it's earth have you seen independence day it's welcome to earth welcome to earth but if an alien came to earth and they were like, what is this?

You're slowly about to describe the plot to Space Jam. I just want to stop you there. I know you probably haven't seen it. You probably just were like, Michael Jordan, let me look up the ending and I'll believe I can fly. I'm just listening to R. Kelly. Bring us to Bugs Bunny. Yeah, you're suddenly just about to describe. You're like, they come to Earth.

All of a sudden they take one of our best. They take Michael Jordan's kids. Yeah. But yeah, I don't know. I just think it's, you know, fuck the Rock.

You know? That's what I'm saying. We can agree to that. We can all agree to that. But if he was here, he'd be like, Dwayne, I'm a big fan.

Well, no, you know, I really don't. Actually, we can't say fuck the Rock. We're officially the biggest South Jersey Miami Hurricanes podcast.

Yeah, we are. All right. And he's a miami hurricanes alum so the rock we love you no i adore the rock college player but anything after i am saying this if you ever listen to this this is a public challenge i'm calling you out in front of our millions of listeners i want to fight you i want to fight you to the death i want it to be a sanctioned match i'll say this You could take him because wrestling-wise

he was never really talented. He was a personality in wrestling, which I mean a lot of times there are some that are just freak athletes and can do some amazing things. I know you don't like wrestling. I know I've gotten into it late.

That's one thing I'll say. Wrestling is fake, but I will say there are some pro wrest one thing i'll say wrestling is fake but i will say there are some pro wrestlers that are more athletic than other pro athletes like it's unreal but the rock was always just a personality and charismatic he never did anything like above and beyond so you could take him in a fight i think i could i think i love i'm just picturing you being like i got this and he just lays you out oh punch. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But then, dude, if I get one good hit in, he'll remember me. You know? What celebrities do you think you could give?

Like, celebrity quote-unquote tough guy, do you think you could give a run for their money in a fight? Oh, Jason Momoa. I'll light that pussy up. You think he's soft? Yeah. 100%. He has to put a lot of time into hair care, I feel like. Well, that's like the one Brent Morin thing, where he's like, you can't be tough if you have to put your hair up in a man bun before you fight.

Yeah. You're going to take time. No, he would whip a conch shell out of his pocket because he's Aquaman and the conch would suck his hair in and hold it up in a man bun and then he'd fuck you up with a trident. I was going to say, as long as we go no tridents, I think we're easy. I can't separate that actors aren't also their character. Well, that's all they are. That's all they are is they their make-believe pretenders. If you ever meet them, you'd be like, can I see your gills?

He's just like, what? Yeah. I actually got them tattooed on my ribs after Aquaman 7. Dude, if you get multi-million dollars from pretending to be a big fish, you should get a tattoo. Is he not a big fish? True. I'm going to fight Jason Amell. He's a sexy fish. Yeah. I'm going to fight Jason Amell. He's a sexy fish.

Yeah. He's a fish girls want to fuck. He's got a fish stick. In all fairness, I loved Little Mermaid when I was younger, though. I think that, so, I loved the legged version of Little Mermaid. Oh, you mean like you were a trash. The actual Little Mermaid, yeah. Yeah, dude.

Ginger movie. Ginger superhero. Ariel. You can't. That was, Disney did a good job of making movies gender neutral where like, as a little kid,

you could like little, like a boy, I could like Little Mermaid and it wasn't. No. No? Nah. Really?

If I told any of my friends I like Little Mermaid. I don't, I mean, I don't like it now. Yeah, alright, dude.

I mean, I'll watch it. I mean, I have the collector's edition, but, I mean, actually, my newest tattoo, I just slipped up my shirt. It's just a mean, I have the collector's edition. I mean, actually, my newest tattoo, I just slipped up my shirt. It's just a full.

Who's the little crab guy? Sebastian. I was Sebastian for Halloween one year, I think. You fucking watched Little Mermaid a lot, bro. I guess I did. That was my era, though. That was like whenever it came out, I was the age you're supposed to be for it. I was a little after the mark. What were the Disney movies that came out when you were...

Well, that's the thing. My parents were just like, nah, you're just going to watch what your cousins watch. So that was like Hercules, Aladdin, Little Mermaid. See, Hercules was like past my time. That might have been right when I did it.

Yeah, and this is now three podcasts now where you've brought up Hercules just because someone once told you you kind of look like him. You did it twice on here and on Brendan Donegan's Wizard Intern podcast. And you're welcome for it and on Brendan Donegan's Wizard Intern Podcast. And you're welcome for it

and I'll do it again. I feel no fear. I'm not afraid of talking about Hercules. I'm not afraid of Jason Momoa. I'm not afraid of the IRS. I haven't paid taxes in eight years.

This is an open call to anyone that wants to come. I'm scared of all these people you mentioned. I will not fight them. I bet so. This is an open invite. And not even there.

Why stop there? Any listener, if you're – somebody come beat the shit out of Matt. Come try. At least try. See what happens. Dude, see if you don't get diced up like a pilot. Dude, I got fucking weapons. 2001, George Bush goes, we're going into the Middle East to look for weapons of mass destruction.

Little did he know they were in Deferent, New jersey on the hands of a five-year-old boy i will fucking light any of these people up so this like he said open invite anybody listening anybody not listening anybody who's heard the rumors about the pod come see me what weapon did you really want when you were a little kid uh big sword guy yeah i was boring i was big sword did you ever get one uh i got like a bunch of shitty lightsabers. The plastic ones. Lightsaber. Okay, good.

Lightsaber, yeah. But you never like, I feel like your parents weren't divorced, so you weren't going to be a sword kid. Sword kids are always. Wait, what? Sword kids, kids that had swords were always the product of divorce. Like actual swords? Yeah.

It was always like they got divorced. The dad was like, I got to win this kid over somehow. Here's a fucking katana that I got from the Berlin Mart. That's incredible. A katana. I always wanted throwing stars, and I remember trying to make them out of shards of metal that we'd find. That never worked well. I remember, I think I talked about it before, the Berlin Mart, which used to be up, or Pensalken Mart, which used to be up in Pensalken.

I went with my friend the one time he's like i'm gonna go buy brass knucks and i was like what is i'm getting brass knuckles i'm like all right so the the code word was you had to go into the there was there was a basically a flea market and there was one shop that was just all dolls and like girl stuff probably little mermaid maybe that's why i went there. Fair. And you had to go in and ask that guy for a paperweight. And he would quietly pull a briefcase out from under the desk. What the fuck? Open it up.

And it was just full of brass knuckles. Like ones with like knives attached to them. Pink ones for girls. Yeah. Brass ones for dudes. I don't know. Yeah, that's what it is. And my friend bought it.

And then never. It like basically just stayed under his bed. Of course. And I remember another kid. I had a lot of friends that had brass knuckles. Now I look back on it. In the South Jersey hardcore music scene, there was like fights always break out. I remember one kid was like – the cops came and he's shoving a brass knuckles in his shoe. I was like, what are you doing?

He's like, they never look in the shoes. I was like, wait, what? What fucking movie did you watch where you're like, I always hide my knucks in my shoes? they never look in the shoes i was like wait what what fucking movie did you watch where you're like i always hide my knucks in my shoes my knucks in my shoes that was before like it was trendy to like that was right around everyone in like the hardcore music he was getting like brass knuckle tattoos yeah so i guess it was kind of thing where they're like well if i have the tattoo i should also have brass knuckles yeah well i mean that's fucking unbelievable i never once saw there was one kid

that i know beat the shit out of somebody with him at like a pop punk show which is hilarious passed him off and was like wanted by the cops and that was always like the allure they're like yo ralph's coming out to a show tonight but i heard he's wanted he's still wanted he later died of an overdose but hey listen ralph you had a run. I never knew that guy's last name until we were at a house party of his. And I don't even know it now, but my one friend was like, oh, it's Ralph. I was like, how do you know that? He's like, it was on his credit card. And I was like, how did you see his credit card?

And that was the first time I was ever at a party that cocaine was there. It was in another room. I didn't even get invited. I must have been a fucking huge. I was right in the living room watching Little Mermaid. They're like, everyone can come in here, John. You're sitting Indian style on the floor. You just hang out under the sea over there, buddy.

We're going to be in here fucking meeting King Triton. That is true. I've never been invited in the Coke room either. It's kind of a... Everyone always throws out the joke that they're like... It happens in comedy all the time. I was talking to Ryan Foster about this. I've gotten introduced a couple of times.

They're like, this guy looks like he can get you Coke. And I'm like, I've never even been offered it. I've never been able to get it. I wouldn't even know who to call. I wouldn't even know who to talk to or how to talk to them. That's the thing about ordering drugs. There's no menu. And you don't know how to order.

And I imagine if you go up to a guy and you're like may i have coke he's like well this guy's a cop so no like i'm sorry cocaine i heard apparently uh from some coke friends that you're supposed to be like where's the white girls at or where's the white women or something yeah i mean that's rick r Ross talks about it in songs. Oh, okay. Like, that's any time he calls it Miley Cyrus, too. Because that's a white girl. I got that Justin Bieber. Yeah, okay. That's a white girl.

Got it. I got that Ariel Little Mermaid. I got that Ariel. Damn, I'm around asking people for some Little Mermaid. And I really just want to... Is there any rappers named Little Mermaid? No, but there should be. Did I just find my rap name?

You're Little Mermaid. Little Mermaid mermaid shout out to baby mermaid productions uh pat who produces hacks uh yeah i'm now officially officially little mermaid hell yeah uh yeah i'm just walking around asking like yo you got any ariel but i'm actually asking just i'm looking for vhs copies yes if you ask somebody for little mermaid that's definitely like a like a glory hole illusion they're definitely thinking there's some some slippery silky i feel like if i ever get caught in a drug bust it's gonna be because i don't know drug slang yeah like i would just be asking for legitimately like hey do you know where there's a good place to get a cheeseburger around here and like that's code get them exactly i wouldn't know dude there's so many stuff i think i get busted of my lack of i don't have a lot of street knowledge really no you look for a man that wears only street wear you it's brutal dude well that's what we don't wear you

know we're scared of everything i i had a bit about this for a while maybe i'll try to bring it back but i was like i don't understand not even just drugs i'm just terrible at measurements like when people are like it's pretty good like yo you got a quarter not even just drugs i'm just terrible at measurements like when people are like it's pretty good like yo you got a quarter pound of weed and i'm like that's not even that much weed like i was listening to you adopted to like mcdonald's like can i get a double quarter pound so that was the the joke i had was i was like i was like i i go to the grocery store i'm like let me get a quarter pound of cheese and i'm like and then it's like quarter pound of weed it's like you know how much a quarter pound of weed is enough to make you forget what cheese is.

Yeah. I do remember that. It's a good joke. It's a fun joke. But again, I'm stealing off Soder because Soder's got a bit where he goes out and he's like, I did X amount of mushrooms. And you just hear like five giggles, like speckled, speckled, that was the wrong word, speckled throughout the crowd. And he's like, yeah, a couple of you in here are like, oh, you're a different person now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like, some of you are like, that's not even enough for a casserole. Oh, God, that's terrifying. Yeah. It's all fear. Drugs are scary. My parents did a good job. Dare and my parents did a great job. Dare parents, shout out.

Of scaring me off drugs. Huge shout out to the parents who shout to Dare. And I meant to tell you, this is not really that interesting, but I did a show on Friday at Soul Joel's. I hosted for Mitch Fatel, hilarious guy. The feature, real cool dude, British kid. Oh. 23 years old, British.

His name's Simon Fraser. Really, really funny. Killer, like had a killer 2025. Maybe the first British person to ever go to Royersford. Well, that's where I was like, like yeah this is kind of like bumblefuck i was like do you know that term and he's like i live in ohio so yes i was like you moved from england to ohio yeah because ohio a providence in england i never heard of it he's like he's like you know i've been to columbus it's like a mini new york and i was like you're the first person to ever say man you have bad expectations well i was also like what other cities have you been to and he's like none and i was like what is the third biggest city i've been to but uh yeah simon fraser checking out very very funny that's funny but uh i wanted

to say this because you started to do it i think and we've seen other folks do it so i've been real committed to trying to like not just lean on only crab work. What's that tell you? No. No, we're good. I've been really like trying to lean on not doing crab work. So on Friday, I was like at the expense. I don't know how I want to word this.

I didn't want to do it at the expense of the show, but I was going to stick to my guns and I was just going to do material opening up posting yeah 12 so and hosting that stuff because your material sucks but materials this fucking sucks and then I was like just kidding folks Matt has great material I really every time I addressed the quote-unquote folks I have to look at the laptop and I just like they're sitting there really disappointed. And I just picture everyone sitting like this. Dude, if we had that, that would be the greatest. That would be an incredible feeling. But so I go and I stick. I just do basically all material. It goes okay.

It's always tough up top. Again, I'm not thrilled with what I have right now. And when I'm doing material, I started holding the mic two hands. Close to my vest. I got in your brain. I think it's kind of like, I'm so not used to having to remember my jokes, because I'm just out there riffing this and that,

you know, hack, that I think when you're here, you're so much thinking like, what's the next one? What's the next part? I mean, maybe, I mean, I'm not thinking it the whole time. It's not like I'm hyper fixated,

but I think you're more of a joke deliverer when i'm like crowd work it's more like an entertainer so yeah shoot from the hip but this is more kind of like i'm delivering i gotta remember the things yeah exactly like the timing and the beats i've been watching my my tape from philly's funnies and like trying to cut it into clips and it made me realize how much i do that you're that and you're a wire toss oh wire toss that tosser. That's a new one. And it used to be I just always held on to the mic stand. And then I'd send tape to one festival. And the guy was like, do you want feedback?

I was like, yeah. He's like, get the fuck away from the mic stand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, it's not that bad. It's cool. I lean on it. It's my thing. And then I did it.

And I was like, oh, yeah. I just look like, hey, here's my crutch. And I need it. I never knew any rules about comedy. But I first started one of the things I saw was like if you hold the mic stand it looks like you're nervous yeah I was like made it a point I was like don't go anywhere near that bitch yeah and so and shake well for my fillies funny first time I did it I didn't even I was so nervous I didn't move the mic stand I just took the mic out of it she's right

in front of me the whole time it's all I just had to keep bobbing and weaving around it was very technical with my right in front of you? It was in front of me the whole time. It's on video. You just had to keep bobbing and weaving around it? I was like going around and slipping it. I was very technical with my stuff. That's the only way you can leave the mic stand out there is halfway through your set, you just cross it over real quick and knock it over like you broke its ankles. Oh my God. So that was Friday.

Yeah. Then that was a good time. Saturday, we're at V&V Adventure Farm. Yeah. How was that? It's like Creamy Acres. Very, very adventure fun. I think Creamy Acres got blown away by the tornado, I heard.

Did they? I think it was in the path of it. Oh, shit. So that's going to be a real spooky hayride this year. Yeah, it's going to be actual dead bodies. How about that? Thursday, saw Joe List. Dude, I got to tell you.

Yeah, I wanted to ask you about that. Probably one of the six or seven best comics working right now. Yeah. I mean, running almost all new. He's putting out a special soon. Dude, it's fucking killer. Killer. Who was there with him?

Was his wife with him? So his wife is his feature, who is also killer. I saw that. That's got to be awesome because I know our guest last week, Rob Cody, and I always talk about like how much it sucks having to explain like comedy ins and outs to your wife of like, hey, I have to go do this thing because I want to try to get better at this joke or I want to get in with these people. I want to keep doing it. But like having a wife that's your feature that's like there along for it. It's got to be awesome because he always talks about, Joe List talks about like, you know,

he lived the life of like a crazy drunk comic and had all his fun and now it's got to be such a good comfort zone of like, I can just go out and do my craft and I don't have to explain

my night, you know, afterwards. Doing the same thing and it's also cool to just have somebody you can write with all the time and like,

hey, is this funny? Yeah. Especially because she, and not to say that like, she is a good comic. What's her name again? Sarah Talamash

Talamash I always butcher her last name so I don't want to try it Brandon Jackson hosted okay very killer killer

Zach Travis got a guest spot nice threw a little five minutes in there did well so it was a great show Joe does like an hour

and literally he's like notes on stage let me try this one for you and then he goes does it kills I love seeing that it makes me so much more comfortable but then also their jokes are so much better when it's the notes on stage it's not like ah what else exactly well that's what it's like it's funny because in my mind i know he's running new shit because he needs to run new shit it's a club he didn't sell crazy that night he probably sold like half the room so to him he's like i I'm going to run my new.

So I can imagine if you don't really know comedy well, you're like, why is this guy looking at his fucking notes? He's saying, oh, is this funny? What is this? Like, I paid money. Like, I get some people might be shitty. But to me, I was like, oh, this is cool. I get to watch him work out.

It is fun when people get to, like, see behind the curtain for the first time. I remember the first time I ever i ever like the inside baseball of comedy i saw kyle canane two nights in a row yeah and because i we had tickets for the first night on the drive over it was right around my birthday helium texted me and they were like hey you have four free tickets to tomorrow night so we were like we're like oh sweet we'll go two nights in a row this will be amazing and then we went the second night with another couple and he did the exact same material they're dying but like we were like oh i know what's coming next i know what's coming next and then i was like that night i think i went home was like reading articles and stuff on this

before i got into comedy oh and i was like oh okay so it is just like they're it's their set it's like a band like they know it and I was like okay that's and it made me appreciate it even more but it was like it was good enough where it was pretty cool because I got to see like the little nuances

like oh he didn't say that last night and he said this different or like so it was pretty cool when you get to see behind the curtain I used to be that way

before I started comedy when I was younger I used to think that they were just coming out with it and then like when I found out that they do that same thing

all like when I thought when they were going on tour they were going to out with it. Yeah. And then like when I found out that they do that same thing all like when I thought when they were going on tour they're going to a new venue and talking about different shit. Yeah. And then when I found out that they like it's the same stuff I was like that's dumb.

Like I didn't realize how hard it is. It's almost it's like it's their career. It's crazy. I was so dumb. And this is up until I was like probably like 18, 19.

I had no clue. It is funny because yeah you don't think about that. There's so much shit you have no clue about. Like where do babies come from oh storks come see my comedy i close with a good joke uh so joe less killed it dude how bad do you want to like you come home and just start writing as soon as like if you go to a comedy show and you're not performing at all do you always find yourself accidentally writing in that comic's voice in your head?

I did that. Dude, I felt so guilty. But that – while I was at the show, I wasn't like – it wasn't like, oh, I'm taking what he's saying. It's just whenever you listen to another good comic do a bit, I wasn't even thinking about his topic. I would think of a topic just because I'm – Yeah, get your brain – because you're shifting. Like that's the one thing that i kind of love and i hate now though is like if i sit down to watch comedy i'll never watch it

how i did in that state we were talking about before where i'm like this is just entertainment it's a guy saying words to me now it's like i'm picking apart like all right i wonder where that bit started and what what brought it to this like oh his timing on that was incredible like if he did it this way it wouldn't have been as funny yeah so it's kind of like now i like picking apart but i am envious that i can't just like sit down and just like enjoy it like kind of mindlessly i imagine musicians can get that way you know i mean that's why i feel like that's why a lot of musicians end up loving jazz yeah because it's totally improvised but no comics end up loving improv no only by like a crab work a little crab work act true true well that's why yeah you do start to see a lot of like

more experienced people just shift into that we're like no i shouldn't say that like but there is a lot of comics i big jay robertson's always my example like i feel like he is just known as the crab work comic now and then you forget you're like oh no like he is just known as the crowd work comic now. And then you forget, you're like, oh no, yeah, he also has some of the greatest material ever. That is the thing, you can't just be the crowd,

that's where I'm at now, I can't just be the crowd work dude. I've been doing a good job, I write probably like 25 minutes every day. Since Thursday, I'm like 45 minutes an hour.

Really? Because I'm just like, that's, what he's saying, I don't know how to word this, what he's saying i don't know how to word this like what he's saying not to say i'm as funny or funnier but like some of that's in my brain like i can get eventually get there from just writing that much every day right to his level just per se but just whatever my level is of that right so i'm like let's just fucking put

in a turbo drive so that resulted in what is probably like a six-minute bit on the Property Brothers. So the writing is not going great. But we are writing. So that was the thing. I told you I was reading the Comedy Bible book. I still got to get that. I got recommended to me after a show. It was a nice compliment.

Somebody came up and they were like, I love your jokes. I love the way you present them. You should really check out this book and they'll just get love your jokes i love the way you present them you should really check out this book and you'll they'll just get better so it felt good it was another comic saying that to me so it felt great that i was like it's somebody i like and somebody i respect so it's like 100 i went on and bought it right there and the first exercise they talk about seinfeld used to do it you get like a calendar that's an entire year's calendar on one page yeah and every day that you write you

sit down you make for yourself like you said right for 10 20 minutes you put an x on the calendar and you don't break that chain so he wrote at the top don't break the chain that's good so i did that and it's on my work desk and there's like five days right in a row and then there's just like three empty days one day and it's i look at it now and it gets me like pissed off and myself motivated. So like now I'll go home tonight and write. Now that I'm saying this. But if I don't say it out loud, I'll forget. But then I think too, I'm like, well, I thought of something really funny.

Ah, that counts as a joke. And I'm like, it really doesn't. So the whole book just talks about, not the whole book, beginning of the book, talks about like no matter what it is, just sit down and write write you might just end up getting like nothing comic or funny in there but it's like you got words out and in there you might find one thing exactly and that's like i i've like uh like mark norman was like writing people use the term writing but it's not it doesn't it's not always literally writing like i don't know like literally all day my brain is kind of like looking at stuff and i'm like what would be the joke about that oh yeah so you kind of always are writing sometimes if you like it you'll write down the content you find the best

stuff comes to you when you're not looking for it though i feel like whenever i'm looking for it i really forced to find the funny in something maybe but then when it's like something funny just happens then my brain kicks on it's's like where was the funny in that? Whereas like if I'm just at the store and I'm like, there's got to be something funny in this grocery store. And like, no, just go get your fucking eggs and your milk and leave. Well, the thing that's weird is for me, like I have to search for the stand-up funny of something and not just the fun. Like to me, it's like I would walk in a grocery store and I'm like, if that guy like shit himself and it went down his pant leg, that would make me laugh. But that's not stand up.

Next time, this time next year, you're like, yeah, so my closer is this guy shit himself. This guy shit, poopooed in his pants. And then just you making fart noises on stage for 10 minutes and it murders. By the way, dude, I kind of, not that I was like hammered on stage or anything. Had a couple of white claw surges at that uh collingswood show oh the eight percent white claws i didn't realize how long my whole like had to go pps in the potty i did that for like a minute i had to like think about that over the next couple days i was like that was probably and that was my first like words out of my mouth yeah i didn't really think about

that though so for the listener at uh porch fest which we talked about last episode rob cody uh it's a mix of it's literally on the front porch of you know a house in the neighborhood so you had like mostly adults but like a couple kids yeah and matt had to take had to take a tinkle so when he started off his set with i had to go poo-poo and a pee-pee in the potty all the kids lit up they were like this is my shit I kind of was a little bit doing it before that. We were saying we were like, it would have been, and it would have been hilarious to the parents if you just leaned in and somehow were able to shift

into just doing jokes to the kids. Yeah. But like still somehow doing your crowd work. Like, where are you from? Where do you go to school? Like that. You actually did do that. I did do it, yeah.

And that was killing. But if like you could have, it's tough because that's a tough pocket to stay in. If you did 10 minutes of just crowd work to kids no it would have been killed yeah it would have been like second grade yeah like well that's what i try to do like and i think the obvious thing was like don't be mean to any of the kids don't do anything at the expense of second grade oh you fucking yet like yeah i made a quick joke saying me and a second grader we're gonna do cocaine after the show but you keep it subtle you nuance that bitch up you had a bag on him

I don't know you get yelled out by the homeowners and that's always going to happen I asked him where the white girls are at and he's like

I go to school with white girls he's like we're in Collingswood they're all over look how woke we are with only white people here god that was so stupid

I had a good time no the show was fucking awesome their brains are bad some of them maybe I don't know I loved it

anyway hopefully it happens again next year yeah seriously that was awesome what do you got coming up did we do it we're at 57

oh my ass we're at 57 and we're sleepy yeah we're sleepy kids I'm gonna I actually have a lot of shit so why don't you I don't know

you probably have a good amount yeah so I have this is coming out so tonight if you, I don't know, you probably have a good amount to do. Yeah, so I have, this is coming out. So tonight, if you're listening, in East NPA, Loaded Laughs at Peerly Bakers. This Saturday, Matt and I are heading out to Harrisburg. Heading out to the Berg, the capital, baby, for Backyard Comedy. We'll see you there. That'll be a good time.

On 10-14, which is October 14th. I think what 10 was for a second there. That is. October 14th, Cricket Comedy at Axe and Arrow Brewery down in Glassboro. Landmark after, baby. Yes. Let's hit up Landmark. Let's get silly.

10-26, October 26th, Booze and Confused at Pennsport Beer Boutique with the Two Dudes and a Dad crew over there. Mr. Rob Crowdy. Rob Crowdy. Cobb Roadies. Former guest.

Robbie Croods. Yeah. And you can check me out. Montag Comedy. That's going to be so loud. That's your mic, dude. That's going to sound like a devil coming out of your mouth. It's going to sound like a devil coming out of your mouth

It's going to sound like a twin coming out of the back of your head Monzo comedy on Instagram Hacks comedy golf Handsome idiots pod Is that our Instagram? Oh yeah it is I started posting clips so go like my clip And tell me if you like my comedy

Killer set That always worries me posting a clip I'm like now I can't do this in my bit in my set i'm like oh wait no it doesn't apply to us my aunt from chicago isn't gonna come see me at purely bakers in the open mics we've all seen right 10 million times but uh so for i got like john said we're gonna to be in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. What am I? We're bringing the toots with us, folks. You better open your mouth and say, thank you, sir.

May I have another? We are spreading pink eye across the country. I'm praying I have to fart at that show on Saturday. Just rib a fart in no mic at an all-black backyard barbecue. Dude, they'll eat it up. They'll eat it up. No, they're going to beat it up. They're going to kick the shit out of me.

They're going to beat this. Right into it, guys. Do black people like farts? Call it. October 2nd, we're going to be at this fart-happened show. Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. Somebody's backyard. October 5th, we're at Wilson's Secret Sauce, a barbecue place, Upper Darby, Pennsylvania.

That's with Cricket Comedy. October 15th, I'll be hosting at Broadway Comedy Club. Hosting a bringer show. So I'm technically better than the people doing the bringers. So just keep that in mind. I also have to bring two people. Other people have to bring five. So people have to bring five so anybody wants to come let me know

October 20th I'll be at the Brightside Tavern in Jersey City that's going to be fun that's with Matt Eham one of the

Sunken Ship guys oh yeah yeah nice and for finally October 23rd we will be at the Ruba in Northern Liberties with the two dads and a dude the 23rd, we will be at the Ruba in Northern Liberties with the two dads and a dude.

The 23rd, 8 p.m. Buy tickets. I'll put the link in my bio. Buy them now, you idiots. And that's about all she sucked. Rope. I think I am ready for bed. Night-night.

Oh, that was cute. We didn't even plan it. I wish I had another fart right now. Dude, you'll shit your ass. Oh, that was cute. We didn't even plan it. I wish I had another fart right now. Dude, you'll shit your ass. Thanks for watching!