That Rules Podcast - Episode #19: PorchCast

Episode Date: October 7, 2021

Listen to that ambient background noise as the Idiots take to the Porch and discus everything from Italian Actors, to back yard all Black BBQ comedy shows.

🎵 Here we are, baby. The countdown is over. That's it. This has been a good run, but I think we know when something's run its course, and that's what this has been a good run but i think we know when something's run its course and that's what this podcast has done so thanks this will be our 19th and and and uh regrettably final episode but i think we enjoyed the ride man so thank you guys for sticking around uh and that's it man so you guys have a good one take it easy guys joking around joshing, jerking it down. All right, well, I'm Matt Peoples, and I can only be joined by a man who is... Do you want me to start this over?

No, it's John here. John, how are you doing, John? I'm doing good. We're on the porch. It's a porch cast. The window's making noise. See, I got distracted by the neighbor. The neighbor opened the window.

Yeah, so we're chilling on the porch tonight in the beautiful autumn evening. the window's making noise see I got distracted by the neighbor the neighbor opened the window yeah so we're uh we're chilling on the porch tonight in the beautiful autumn eve is that what it is is it autumn yet

when does autumn start autumn eve is a well searched porn star true autumn eve is definitely a porn star has to be is there any other

porn stars that have oh yeah that was dumb summer boobs summer boobs old winter fucks a lot but yeah we're chilling

in the back you can probably hear an air conditioner next door some crickets in the background it's ambiance

it's a nice serene setting if I do say so it really is and it's just dim enough lighting that you could easily fall asleep

halfway through this podcast so there's a good chance that you just hear us both go, what? We're still doing this? That's the mid-cast make-out, though.

It is. The lighting in here is perfect. It's bistro lighting, if you will, to set the tone. It's an exposed wood porch. Yep, sure. Because I think whoever built it was just like, this looks like 1976 and it should never change again. Good wood paneling.

I like things like this because they look like they're the most comforting relaxing setting but also looks like where the murderer lives in a horror movie oh true like he kind of camps out here and waits for the young kids to visit his town yeah it's got a real uh lake house feel i will say you are wearing a flannel shirt too it's actually a jacket shirt. So what's the shirt? That has got teddy bear lining pretty much and Sherpa lining. Sherpa. I love Sherpa. I don't think this is the most comfortable.

I just arrived today. Just purchased it. Yeah. It is. I'm going to live in this thing. Yeah, that's pretty sweet, dude. Sherpa lined anything. Dude, I almost thought you're not going to like to hear this, but this is the reality

of the situation. I stood and I looked at Sherpa lined Crocs for about 10 minutes the other day. I mean, I'm sitting here in Tom's house slippers, so I can't talk too much shit. I should include that they were tie-dye. All right. Well, would you wear those out or just around the house? Nah, it depends. Depends who's out that day.

Depends who's in. I might rock them. Dude, if I'm going to get like a 9 a.m hung over starbucks on a saturday i think that's an elite footwear to put on okay through saturday and they're like it's not going to be on a tuesday it's not my normal tuesday but on monday night yeah i wish we would never in a million years ever because we respect the lord no i love a good sherpa sherpa lining is weird too though because as soon as you wash it it just becomes like so like not soft i know and comfy yeah it gets all like knotted so i might just try to see if i can go all fall without why and now this is still i guess it's got like a lining on the

sleeves but it is a t it is a shirt i mean that could be like jeans like you don't wash jeans a lot i'm weird i wash my jeans all the time do you wear them a lot you wear them frequently and uh i shouldn't say that i get i'll get like three wears out of them i am starting to wash my that's like i'll do like pants and clothes a lot more now having a kid because it's like there's just so many times well not even it's that it's like every time she drools now i just wipe it bare hand yeah wipe right on my leg so if i was under a black light, it would look unfortunate for me. It would not. That's for other reasons.

Yeah. Well, that's like the crotch. The side where I wipe my hand with the snot and the drools on the leg. I will say it hit me this morning. I dropped her off at daycare and I had like a half hour before I had to start work and start calls and everything. And I was like, oh, I haven't showered in three days yeah i've been wearing sometimes not that i was wearing the same pair of shorts yeah for those three days and i don't think i wore underwear in that span yeah now i work from home i said it's a work from home from the waist up i'll put like i just have

to have like a golf shirt on you never see like waist down easily just brush my hair and you know the grease makes it look like it's styled and i will say taking not showering for three days and getting in like a good like 25 30 minute shower almost just piping hot yeah just scrub a dub dub and i get the charcoal bar out. You get a Wegmans specialty charcoal bar. Get in there good. Exfoliate. I feel great. I feel like a new man.

Don't exfoliate. Don't Nick Foley. Nothing of that. I don't. Dude, first of all, I can feel. I feel like a film of gross. Now, this is something I saw earlier today. I hate a fake over shower.

Like the person who's like, I actually shower like twice every day. I actually shower. Well, that's what's weird is. No, I am a day shower i love it dude i'm because i'll get like a quick one in the morning and then i usually run later at night and i can't there's no way i go to bed like as sweaty as i get okay so traditionally i am like a one to two day two times a day shower that's too bad that's bad to go the opposite of the spectrum go three what's the longest you think you ever went without showering that wasn't like out camping or something i've never gone camping but honestly maybe like two three days maybe three days three

days yeah i just feel it dude because of my hair especially growing up i had long hair so a bit greasy and greasy hair freaks me out right away because then i feel like i look like i like i'm a school shooter i look like a real italian and no one wants that nobody wants to be one of those all of a sudden i grow a necklace with a horn on it and i'm like whoa what is this talking about my family crest i did just watch uh the many saints of newark the sopranos movie i heard it was bad it's not bad it's not it's not great it's not sopranos like they should have just if they didn't attach like the sopranos name to it yeah it you because people that have never seen sopranos like you i've seen it under the ending you know the ending but like you could watch it even hearing the names other than like tony soprano and a couple other ones

like you wouldn't know it. So, and it would just be like an okay mob movie. Ray Liotta needs to stop acting. They need to stop. Always been a bad actor. Dude, this is what I was saying. They need to stop.

I don't, I don't think he's always been a bad actor. I love him in Goodfellas. He's younger. He's good and stuff. Yeah, but his whole thing is the Italian guy. I hate the guy.

So that's what I'm saying. Dude, is there a shortage of Italian guys in Hollywood? Cause they cast the same 12. Well, they are all dying. Italian guys in Hollywood? Because they cast the same 12 in everything. Well, they're all dying. Yeah, they're all. What's it? De Niro?

Fucking Ray Liotta? Yeah. Ray Liotta. But this, it's funny. Spoiler alert. Ray Liotta plays two characters in this movie. No, it doesn't. He plays twins.

One. But the way they do it is pretty much it. It's Ray Liotta. Ray Liotta's. Ray Medea. Family reunion. I always say goes to the moon. ones but the way they do it is pretty much it's ray liota really it is uh ray medea family reunion uh i always said goes to the moon i was just stole a gillis joke there oh yeah um but so he plays a character that gets killed and then you're like oh shit all right ray liota's out of the movie and then nine minutes later somebody goes to visit somebody in jail and Ray Liotta walks out as the prisoner. And you're like, oh, he's not dead?

No, they showed his funeral. And then he's like, they do it so cheesy too because they have to address it. They know you're going to be like, what the fuck? And as soon as he sits down, he's like, it's good to see you, the brother of the other guy. Oh, my God. And you're like, and it's the guy who created sopranos some of the best writing of all time wrote that i gotta say he he there's no way he did he had to just slap his name on it for money how do you not i was gonna say how if that's making a movie you have it has to be an obvious

thing that just shows you somebody they cast ray liotta before they wrote the script because they were like we got ray liotta and i'm sure in his contract he's got a thing it's like i'm in the beginning all the way to the end yeah and then they wrote the script because they were like we got ray liotta and i'm sure in his contract he's got a thing it's like i'm in the beginning all the way to the end yeah and then they wrote the script and they were like oh shit we wanted to kill his character but we already gave him this like oh i didn't even think of that yeah yeah well they'd be crazy if they make him like a force ghost for the sopranos he just keeps coming back and giving wisdom it is funny though because in the beginning he plays the annoying ray liotta character that he plays in everything and then the second ray liotta character he's actually really good because he plays like a really docile like speaks softly he's not like over the top like purple in the face like usually is which he was very purple in this movie not even when he died i think he's definitely on

trt he looks like uh alec baldwin if he was more racist i've always thought ray leota has a real is ray leota even italian yeah that'd be he's definitely one he's like the real irishman he is the actual irish guy yeah the mafia like the name leota sounds italian but that could also like be finnish i don't know i say leota could you be it's a real leota la ducci was actually what they was and they cut it short when i went on the boat in in spite of do you think your name was actually people's or do you think when your family came over from ireland they just were like i've honestly wondered the same thing i think it's

it seems because i don't even know how last names work. They come... Well, they come after the first name. That's simple. No. No, they don't. They come after the middle name. They're J Moneyball. True. But I don't know.

I think it'd be crazy to think that it can't be like... My answers have to be from England or Ireland. Like, if they came here from, like, Lithuania, and it was, like, Greg Kikov, Pee-Pee-Opples. I don't know what Liths look like so i can't tell you if you're lithuanian or not look like me but blonder you think lithium comes from lithuania no that's what we went to middle east for right lithium is a it's like a a drug and also what's in our batteries right yeah it's with the uh the bunny on the the chargeable bunny thing he's uh hooked on it yeah because they used to give people lithium as like a sedative i think is that true i

think lithium was like kind of like what prozac is oh shit i think i know no effects has a song about it is that the so like my roommate is like an amateur zach and then there's like a prozac there it is see this is the type of podcast i'm having right now this is where i'm sitting this is that's a cat scratch on the door if you guys hear that beautiful foley sound in the background cat scratch was a good show on nickelodeon that's a little bit after your time actually no it wasn't it's a bad show and i didn't like it either cat dog was a good show cat dog ripped that song that's one of those things where like uh i think the cat dog song will get stuck in my head still to i haven't watched it in probably 26 years yeah realistically i haven't watched cat

dog in that long but once every month for two days i'll have the cat dogs theme stuck in my head oh dude it's a banger yeah it slaps because my wife will yell down like did you feed the cats and i'm like alone in the world with a little cat dog no i didn't i haven't fed them in a week like that was back when every cartoon seemed like everybody who made one was just like coked out of their mind yeah that whole stretch of like ren and stimpy cat dog rocker's model world was even like very weird yeah like there was a lot of like i don't know. Jesus. It's just, this cat's insane. He's a terrifying little bad boy. No, she wants to come out and join the party. I started letting the cat out on this patio during the day when I work.

I've never seen a creature be more happy than she. It's just constant, walks this ledge. I mean, it's literally perfect for a cat. There's a four-inch ledge that goes along it. She just walks along that looks at like everything rubs her head on everything like smiles i think oh yeah that's great that's the murderous cat it comes out here it's the only affection he shows in the movie yeah ray leota dude i'll fucking let's add him to the list of people that'll fucking knock silly i feel like

really is one of those people that is surprisingly tall if you meet him. He doesn't look like he is. But I think he also made a career of being around tiny Italians in movies. He spent half of his career next to Danny DeVito. Or no, Joe Pesci, the other little one. That's part of his contract. He needs to know all the other cast members' heights. And it has to be a certain average for him to agree to do the movie. What was it like in The Irishman?

Did you ever see the footage they had to make? I guess, what's the name? Robert De niro is not that tall and the irishman the actual irishman is like six five yeah not like you six six eight six eight and a half yeah i'm growing um but they had to like make him look bigger yeah so there's these scenes when they were filming and he's wearing like a five and a half inch six inch like uh sole on his boot and they look like the old goth kid boots they used to see at hot topic yeah which are kind of coming back now like goth came back now and those i've seen those like around the dock martins we drove by that the fucking girl we'll talk about around harrisburg but we were randomly driving through the hood and we drove by a girl in like

kiss face paint yeah that goth girl yeah that she had those on i saw that she was rocking those but uh yeah deniro it's pictures of him walking around a park wearing those like thick things because they filmed them from like the knees up in the movie to make them look taller i've never seen it i'll have to look at the ending it's pretty good when they came out and like nobody knew what the movie was going to be about. And they're just like, is it like a Frankenstein spinoff? Or what the fuck is this? Dude, Robert De Niro.

Like those kinds of guys. Look, they're acclaimed actors. They're obviously good actors. But I just wonder like who looks at like a little guy like Robert De Niro 5'7". Like you think of an actor. You think of like six foot. Yeah. Handsome. Like a Brad Pitt. like a little guy like robert de niro five seven like you think of an actor you think of like six foot yeah handsome like a brad pitt all the the era of like our dads think guys they think are tough like de niro pesci clint eastwood clint eastwood like uh pacino like well clint eastwood's probably tall yeah i feel like he i feel like clint eastwood was a real one like i think he

could really and by that that, I mean racist. Yeah, well, you know what it probably is? And it kind of coincides with all those generation actors, much like our fathers, would look at the next generation actors and be like, those guys are gay. They'd be like, these guys are gay. They look ridiculous.

But then acting's kind of like... It's the gayest thing you could do. You're playing pretend for money. That's really what I think i'm getting at is robert de niro is like yo what are you doing how you kids doing over there but then he's like you want to be you want to be an act you're a thespian that's what i hated when and i hated it because i didn't not support his message but when he put the tough guy thing out like calling out trump yeah during everything like i'm anti-trump i don't like him you hear that my neighbor same and but when de niro put out that video where he was like you don't treat my country like that this is but i'm like dude you're a movie

tough guy like shut the fuck up hold a skull and do a monologue yeah like but that was like that generation's tough guys now like our tough guys guys are actual MMA fighters that eat punches in the throat. It's definitely different. I mean, I guess their tough guys are probably Mike Tyson. But then you go full circle. Our toughest guy, our tough guy, Conor McGregor, the tough guy for all Irishmen. Yeah. Is picking fights with Machine Gun Kelly.

Yeah. And you know that he's doing that for publicity because he's a businessman like he's like i can make money off of this yeah but like you're picking like fights with the tallest twink ever that didn't happen to be gay like thank god rapping and acting worked out for machine gun kelly because he would have been in gay porn yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah 100 gay porn and he's not a bad actor in non-porn I haven't seen his porn yet he's one of those guys for me that if they ever do anything good I'll never accept it

he will I mean he acted exactly how you would expect him what did you see him in Birdhouse in Birdbox yeah Birdhouse the Birdcage

what's it called no Birdbox Birdcage it's Birdbox I'm gonna keep saying it's Birdbox Birdcage is with Robin Williams

and they're all gay is it Robin Williams and uhvey firestein i don't know that harvey fire like designers yeah they are and harvey firestein is he's the guy that talks like this bobby williams wasn't in that he might have been no you're thinking of harvey firestein was also in uh mrs doubtfire he plays the makeup guy that makeups makeups uh robin williams but he might have been the birdcage who knows who cares um he's gone machine gun kelly like he needs to be cast as a wigger yeah well he also played what's the name uh tommy lee in the motley crew movie yeah and i mean i feel like you could have put anyone that's just like you gotta be over the

top well that's what shows how much shit has changed like back in the day he would have to be count cast as like a wigger like a guy who's like trying to act good nowadays he just looks like a lesbian yeah he just looks like almost and he also has like the hottest girlfriend possible who is bisexual megan fox yeah yeah she was in it true and he do be looking he looks like a tough ellen you're just about to say he do be looking i said he do be looking like tough ellen he's tatted up ellen he is he's machine gun ellen well there's the the photoshop there's the uh title baby i can't do much on this one but i'll give you she comes out dancing but it's just a well now pop punk song you know i heard a good thing it

was on i'm stealing from another podcast i was listening to but they were like how like he lost that battle to eminem so bad that he had to change musical genres yeah which is insane yeah did he i mean did you follow any of that oh yeah kill shot and all that stuff and was there freestyles ever released too there was like stuff in between but it was one of those ones where it's like he doesn't like he might be able to at this stage in eminem's career outrap him make him look bad whatever but it's like eminem is like almost universally loved yeah that like and you're just a guy really for the most part yeah that nobody's gonna be like damn you know and then first of all you know it comes down to just literally saying the words nobody wants to say the phrase machine gun kelly yeah and then say it's easier to just call them gk but it's just annoying to say the term machine gun kelly yeah

like my whole thing is like don't make your rap name anything you wouldn't use to put down a reservation at a restaurant uh it's m gun kelly my name's like uh look queef mg kelly what's that mg for you know is that two l's i do you think if the real machine gun kelly came back from beyond the grave how bad you know like who i was at a real thing so he was a gangster i think it was a chicago gangster like back in the al capone days that's even more annoying so yeah because they always talk about that like uh freeway yeah i don't know rick ross used to get called out by the actual there's a guy in jail named rick ross who was like a drug kingpin yeah rick ross the rapper took his name and used it and the real rick ross who goes by

like the real rick ross yeah basically just kept releasing videos from jail somehow and was like i'm gonna fucking kill you dude like let me catch it because rick ross the rapper which is that he should have been called that rick ross the rapper yeah yeah chance the rapper is still the best name ever anyway it's it's so it's so fun if you were just matt the comedian that's pretty good well that's like well that's uh like people at the show we were at this weekend no no we well but what was it oh yeah like the real machine gun kelly came back and it was just like this is your tough guy like he would probably say with like a cigar and i'm actually kind of voice no i can't i had no idea that it came from a real thing i'm pretty sure machine gun kelly was part of al capone i could be making that part up but like it was in that

era of al capone chicago mobsters like you're saying valentine's day massacre he might have been involved in that which was like the bloodiest day well now every day in chicago out i was gonna say it's gotta be yeah the but that would be hilarious no it is well then my new rap name i'm fucking i'm i'm fucking little charles manson i'm genghis khan that's my new rap name that's actually if he's ever gonna come back Genghis Khan Tro. That's actually not a bad rap name. And he can't come after you, I don't think. Genghis Khan, and you just, you have Jenga piece. All your concerts are just you playing Jenga.

Damn, I'm going to start rapping as Abraham Lincoln. Gee, honest Abe. That's not bad. I'm not mad at these, very honest. True. Yeah. All right, folks, write in what you think our rap name should be send us a full historical figure yeah that's like my rap name is adolf

was that taken was that anybody hit him hit him hit him adolf hit him dude adolf probably would have had some fucking crazy balls talk about ruining man it. He literally ruined that name for the rest of history. The first name and the last name. To the point where now you will every once in a while. I remember when I was in college, there was a I think there was even one around here. There's a salon

that's like Adolf Becker or something. It's like a hair salon. Oh, wow. A person has leaned into it. Adolf you can still get away with, but the name Hitler? There had to be so many people around the world that were like now i gotta look into how to legally change my name it's gotta be i mean dude it's like it's like first but like you gotta think like the parents to just be like man we just like the name adolf so much we understand the history attached to it but we just have to name our kid adolf and it's like okay my dad's name was adolf

and it's like okay listen i guarantee that's great they go they go, my dad's name was Adolf. And it's like, okay, listen, I guarantee. That's great. They go, look, my dad's name was John. If my dad was named after a guy who murdered 6 million Jews, that might be the one exception where you don't pass the name down. Yeah. You know? Yeah. I'd still do it, though.

Fuck my kid. I mean, if his name was something more common like Adolf Smith like 90% of the world was just like damn it now we all have to change him yeah but luckily it's so much of a

singular name like if the guy who did his name was like Zenith you're like alright maybe we'll sit out Zenith I wonder if there are any actual people

like in the world still that are their last name's Hitler and they have to be like that's a actually it's a Highteller yeah yeah

I didn't tell you about my wife's maiden name is dommer is it oh i think i knew that yeah and like when i remember we first like started dating i was like like jeffrey she's like it's spelled different i was like it's not i googled it yeah that one's tough because like that's a commonish name it was always fun too like i shouldn't keep saying her name on the podcast look her up i'll bleep that out yeah my wife's name was yeah manson maryland yeah she's named after the beautiful is he alive still yeah he's very fat now too no yeah marilyn manson got really fat but he's still leaning into the goth thing yeah so now he's just fat guy oh my god speaking of which oh i might have to report this next week i might be going to see slipkknot next Tuesday. That would be sick, dude.

You want to go? It's $23 on the line at BB&T. I only know like three other songs. You don't think you need to know anything. Psychosocial. What's another one of their big boys? What's it? I felt the hair rise up in me.

I don't know that one. It's like their original. So I was obsessed with Slipknot in like seventh grade. Yeah, see, I wasn't even. I was a twinkle. Yeah, you were barely born. Yeah. You were still cooking.

And Wait and Bleed is another song. I had a catering business back then, you're saying. Yeah, true. Wait and Bleed, that's a good song. But yeah, I'm going to see Slipknot. So we're definitely recording by next Wednesday because I need to report back on, it's Killswitch Engage, which is the reason my buddy

asked me to go, which that was like one of our favorite bands like in high school. I see. I say that and I suck. I realize I say they rip. I just know one song

that I really liked by them. Was it Holy Diver, the cover? No. That one's really fun to sing. I'll put that as the outro for this because it's just, it's a Dio cover. And that's kind of sick. because it's just it's a dio cover and that's kind of sick and it was the it's it's got the best like i'm gonna do my best justice of it right now when you're in the car it's perfect because he just like hums in the

beginning he's like oh that's how he sings yeah so because of that my friend that i who listens to this we will just call each other and we'll have like a conversation in that voice. Oh, yeah. How are you doing? You've been driving all day and I'm worried about you. That's gay. You don't check in with your friends? Sorry, you live with your best friend and you're saying I'm gay for calling mine once every two weeks.

Yeah, I can't get past that Prozac amateur Zach joke. I still feel like you guys give each other like a peck on the lips goodnight before bed. You don't tuck your boys. We can't tuck our boys in anymore. Like, I can't tuck them in because we share a bed. Can't tuck the fellas in these days? Jeez, man. Yeah, guys, you tucking your boys in?

How much do you care about your friends? Are you tucking your friends in at night? You don't tuck in the homies with a quick kiss on the forehead and say sweet dreams? I do. I used to love doing that, though. Like, if somehow I wasn't the drunkest, like, like tucking your friends in just to like belittle them. Like, all right,

sweetie. Like you get a blanket, tuck it under them. Dude, I would do it. I'd do it in a heartbeat. That's what's kind of funny about being a guy is that I don't like to talk about the term, but like toxic masculinity or whatever it is.

Yeah. That kicks in quick. Oh my God. There you go. Ugly. But, uh, like as a kid and you'll appreciate this as a father

right yes almost every night my dad would come into my room he just you saying that reminded me i have to look at we have i have the baby monitor on the deck here because i got to keep an eye on her and yeah totally forgot till matt reminded me i was a father right there perfect timing as my wife's pulling down the drive i was cool with it but i was weird when i found out that it wasn't his kid he just has oh yeah it's just no it's a monitor on some kid in this neighborhood i get i get a really good signal yeah i just pick up other people that happens so people back when it was like radio waves yeah it would pick up like calls or something in the other room so that's what a lot of people would think that there was like

extra or was it uh abnormal what's the word I'm looking for? Paranormal activity. It was just like the neighbor's phone picking up on a baby monitor. Yeah, I'd be terrified. But it is. It still is. Like looking at the baby monitor now, I still kind of freak myself out thinking that there's going to be a head come into the frame and just like wink at me.

And then I got to sprint up there and there's nothing up there. I'm more worried about levitating. I'm going to have this nightmare tonight now too. For me, it's more levitating baby. Well, it also is creepy too because when she wakes up, she knows where the camera is

and she gets on the rail and just stares into it. So there's been times where like I wake up and I'm like, oh, there's no way she's up and she's like, oh my God.

And she's like staring. Smiling. Oh, okay. I thought it was like she's like. Well, night vision doesn't make anyone not look creepy. I was going to say, that's what it is. Yeah. It's scary. Night is yeah it's scary night vision is a circumstantial scary thing

trish what are your thoughts on night vision first time on the cast welcome wife wife montague what's up wifey let me pause it you don't want it i tell that nervous smile we're back kfc we're back we went to kfc we went to kfc we got a double down you remember that one when they had uh they were like you know what's getting in the way of getting people fat is bread how can we eliminate bread so they took two chicken fingers and put bacon in between it the double down it was called i actually almost got abducted at a kfc as a kid really yeah it was when i was like five years old was it the one on route 45 that's on used to be on delsey drive right down the street from where i lived actually that was your kfc it was my local juror's dick but i uh we were going there it was me my dad my

sister and no one cares move on no no it's actually not i'm gonna get thrown it's okay whatever put it past you who gives a hoot dude honestly at this point i'm just fucking this is like therapy or it's unlocking things you forgot dude i got i got i'll tell you this off the cast i actually may not i don't even know what i should talk about either way abductions go abduction aliens sphincter exploration so i was walking into a kfc with my old dad and my young sis and as we're walking it it literally was like a movie like and i swear to god this is a real fat true story so as we're walking in i had to tie my shoe and they just like didn't notice i was tying my shoe so my dad bad dad great dad shitty dad walked in love my dad great father walked in bad sister no they both walk in so i'm out there time

i'm sure they didn't notice and literally like this group in like a shitty old chrysler it's like these four like white teen kids they roll up and they're like hey you want some candy and that was like the only buzzword i had learned at that at that age was like if somebody asked you if you want candy they're gonna steal you so i was like no and then i like ran in it's weird right it's a weird thing that was i don't know i think that's a fucking idea they're definitely they're absolutely fucking with me that doesn't seem like an abduction no i well i mean first of all i'm not rationalizing that when i'm five or six years old i'm like these kids oh yeah at that time it's scary kids are just jerking around you know yeah i like i was like no i'm

getting stolen so i like run in and those kids came in because we ate inside we were a white trash family we ate inside dude we ate inside of so many fast food places as a kid yeah what's more white trash eating inside or getting drive-thru eating eating because then that's like your big night out eating inside of a i don't know if you've seen the clientele inside of a fast food place it's a fat guy with a newspaper whose wife died four years ago and he doesn't know how to spend free time and then it's wrapped scallions just bad kids joking around wrapped scallions is a great name for uh like a dish that's bacon wrapped scallions but it's it's made by like a former rapper. Dude, let me just say this right now. Fuck you.

Yeah. I'm saying because I cooked at Scallions recently. So you didn't get abducted. Not even close to being abducted. So not abducted. So not abducted. Not even close. The threat of abduct at that age will really from then

on did you like triple knot your shoes no i just was like i stopped hanging out my dad i just that was what then that's the reason matt duct taped his laces that's why i used to wear velcro shoes it wasn't the tism it was the fear i uh i had a pair of sweet van slip-ons like the checkered ones that were like i remember they were like my favorite shoes i think it was in like first or second grade and uh the gym teacher threw them in the trash so the rule was you had to wear shoes that had laces yeah but i mean a van slip-on is like a sneaker that it's not gonna come it's not coming off it was fit to be perfect my parents knew they were doing they bought them yeah and uh he took them off my feet and threw them in like a little garbage so i shouldn't say a trash it was like an empty garbage pile off to the side yeah but still my mom freaked out about it hell yeah now looking back because later on i

actually ended up working like a summer camp job. Yeah. And this guy was the director of it. No, he was great. And he was so fun. And I told him that story and he started cracking up and he was like, I do remember that. And I was like, damn, was that the funniest thing ever? Also, was he just stoned that day? Yeah. It was like, you know, it'd be funny.

I took these slip on bands off this kid's feet. Think about when he went out to the bar afterwards and they're all sharing stories. They're like, yeah, I had to shove a kid today. Like I had to hold a kid down. He's like, you know that dumb Montag kid? I made up some rule about laces and then pulled his van slip-ons off his feet and chucked them in the trash. I still to this day, I would love a nice pair. I'm wearing slip-on like house shoes now.

I would still love a nice pair of van slip-ons i have i think in the back of my brain though there is a fear that mr clark is going to show up out of nowhere shove me down maybe pants me take my shoes and throw them out and i still think it would be hilarious dude i got a level with you i could not disagree more oh my mom like called the school i can actually ask her if like anything came of that it's one of those things where it's like it's not like this like importantly evil thing but it's one of those things like you're saying like all the teachers after school are talking oh i had to give this kid detention oh like this kid's so annoying if the one teacher's like yeah i threw out this kid's shoes today they'd be like what the fuck dude why no he went

on to be like the longest he might still no he doesn't teach in that school district but i i see him a lot like i have in the past years but i used to see him like a lot as an adult yeah he's an awesome guy now yeah i mean he's look so the formula is throw kids shoes i don't know i respected him after that you better believe i wore laces every day from then on out running You're running out of footwear at some point. Literally at 35 now. I can't wear a slip-on out of the house without looking left and right. If you were a real man, you would have worn flip-flops the next time.

I really stuck it to him. Just like wiggled your toes at him. But put like laces on the flip-flops. He's like, I don't know. He's got laces. Don, your move. I'm doxing the shit out of him. His whole name is on this episode now. That's absolutely the move. Put laces on some sandals. Put laces. Don, your move. That's the real move. I'm doxing the shit out of him. His whole name's on this episode now.

That's absolutely the move. Put laces on some sandals. Put laces on everything. Get a pair of jellies. You remember those? You're like athlete Jesus just fucking laced up sandals. What are you, in the air Christ? Bro, you're rocking the ute trying to pussy tonight?

That's what Birkenstocks with a shoelace on it. It's not even a shoelace. They just put a bow on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a literal, like, yeah, that's good. Oh, that's funny. So how did you start cross-dressing?

Oddly enough, gym class. I started with the feet. I started putting bows on slip-ons and then I was like, yeah, I wonder what these look like with a stocking. No, but very honestly, Mr. Clark, you're a dick.

I don't know. Did you have any teachers? Were you a good student? You were a good boy, weren't you? I was smart, but a bad kid. You were a bad boy? Yeah, I wasn't bad. Here's my thing that i think i'm proud of because i like to think about it if my kid acted like this would i be annoyed and my mom i think looks at it similarly i would

get in trouble but like i was never like i'd be bad and then the teacher would be like all right matt that's enough and i'm like nah i was never kind of like shut up bitch i was never a bad kid i was just like yeah that kid that kid doesn't make it to how old are you 25 that kid overdoses at 23 that's a good point that's a good point that kid gets really into dude i've been watching intervention a lot lately on youtube like the old episodes oh killer there was one guy it was a heroin intervention but he got started on his addiction we're gonna address this but you just did but he got started on his addiction because he was addicted to uh huffing duster that you used to clear your computer off with so he just got addicted to that and oh no this is two different stories sorry there was a guy who

was just addicted to huffing duster the kid who was addicted to heroin first got addicted to things by getting addicted to the pass out game you remember when like you used to push people like you'd stand against a wall and someone hold your neck yeah essentially cut your uh arteries off yeah yeah and you would pass out oh yeah this kid got addicted to doing that to himself to the point where he was like and it was really sad at first i was like this fucking moron and then it like showed like footage of him when he was like 13 and he had like a what they thought was just a rash on the front of his neck they took him to a dermatologist they're like oh it's an allergy blah blah blah his sister started calling him elephant neck because it

looked like elephant skin turns out it was his skin was so damaged from choking himself out like multiple times a day he would just like sneak off to his room his parents i thought he's beaten off they're like he'll grow out of it the guy was knocking himself out then he later on realized that he could get the same hero the same feeling from heroin yeah so that's how bad the knockout game is that he had to get off of it by doing heroin holy shit and i'll say i've never played the knockout game i was such a pussy with that no i used to see everyone playing it and i remember distinctly after like a seventh grade dance we were at the friendlies on route 45 which is now uh like a cvs okay and i remember seeing it

for the first time it was like kids like the great above us were like oh they're over there making each other pass out dude and the one kid just was against a brick wall dude it's one of these things it's like vivid in my mind and he passed out and fell into a bush and everyone was laughing and i was just like i don't think we're supposed to be doing this dude that's fucked i've never yeah so i think there's there's two types of people in this world there's people that played the pass out game people that never played it never even heard of it leads me to my next point you're gonna play the pass out game right we'll do it now we'll do it to each other so that's it does end up being the last episode hey we went out on top but yeah that was the my strange addiction well i gotta tell you something

now because that just did two shocking things okay so that whole story is fucking crazy i can't believe that was a real thing that people did this brings up something that i think has changed my relationship i have with this lady at work when we were in the office wow i feel like uncomfortable now okay i because i didn't know about the whole huffing duster yeah i didn't know that was the thing well and i think it's just like doing balloons it's like the same thing or like whippets it's the same i've heard of whippets i just never put the duster thing thing oh yeah nor should you nor should anyone i'm this is making me feel weird okay so this is gonna be funny i we shared cubicles like where i when we were in the office

oh i guess i mean i could say whatever so our cubicles would just be like separated by like a heightened part of it but you could stand up and like if you wanted to talk to the person next you could just kind of like look we've all seen a situational comedy that takes place in an office imagine yeah office it did did you get any last night like that man i'm so hung over we don't respect women let's play the knockout game so uh okay bad so i found out about those duster things we had like at my office you just they had everything with stock, like, supplies you need. You just go back and grab it. Yeah.

I was always intrigued by, like, keeping my keyboard, like, clean. Once I found out you had it, I would do it, like, several times a day. Because I was like, ah, look how it's always spotless. So the lady in the cubicle, she's like a mom. Like, nice, sweetest woman of all time. She was so worried for you. A lot of times she was like you're like always using those dusters huh and i am now realizing this fucking woman thought i was

huffing dusters at work she was going home and like talking to her kids and she's like you know if there's ever anything you need to tell me you can tell me because this kid i work with has a problem dude she brought it up genuinely like i'm i can think distinctively of like three different times she definitely at some point brought that to your boss probably and was like i'm worried for matt oh my god and your boss is like yeah but have you ever seen how clean his keyboard she thought that like you're you saying it's like time to clean the keyboard was just you being like oh like cute about it and she's like oh man every time he cleans that keyboard he dies a little i can't i'm fucking like i cannot believe it has to be that i always just thought that she was just like

oh this weird neat freak fuck it yeah wow i am wow meanwhile she's doing coke in the bathroom she's just knocking herself out in the bathroom you know really worried about this kid i work with can you choke me she walked into your boss's office hey after our first round of the choke game i have to tell you something about matt let's get this elephant skin rocking yeah that was the i've been addicted to that and then the algorithm knows me man it went from that to uh to catch a predator highlights i've watched those once a month. Which you can't get enough of Chris Hansen. The man's a real gem.

I mean, some of the people's reactions in there, it's one of those things where, I mean, obviously we would never be in that position just because we keep it secret. But like, we would never be in that position. But like, it's funny to watch people in like traumatic or stressful like situations and see the honest reaction like you only see them like dramatized in movies the true oh fuck but the real it's not like movies movies do a great job of making it

look good in the movie but they don't do a good job of grabbing the actual the actual moment that one when you see when you see the realization slowly dawn on them, they're like, I am being... You may or may have not just heard us discuss to catch a predator. Computers are hard. Rock hard. Predator rings harder. Harderist. I don't know.

We can talk about... Yeah, we had a hell of a trip last Saturday. Matthew and I took our talents out to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. We sure did. For an all-black backyard barbecue. That's right. I only say that because it's 100% the only way you can describe it. It's just a description of it.

And it was fucking awesome. It was one of the funner shows. Genuinely, and I'm not even trying to pander, it was genuinely one of the funner shows I've ever done. Yeah, and it had everything you wanted as like white guys that are Benjules. We're back Benjules. Ah, Kyle Mooney. Shout out to Kyle Mooney and his silly

goof videos back in the day. Very easily some of the funniest YouTube videos of all time. So, I don't know if we got it on recording or not, but yes, we did Backyard. I know why the mic unplugged now, because of my leg. Oh, nice job, dude. I've got to be comfortable.

I've got my legs up. Apparently at the cost of the cut past. Yeah, Backyard Barbecue Show. It had everything you wanted out of going to a backyard barbecue in the hood. Which I can say, it was in a hood area. That is what I can say it uh it had amazing barbecue which i didn't know we were gonna have to pay for per plate did we pay i paid i

ended up paying for both of us did you really because i i was like ah get this get this guy a plate too and you were like i'm not that hungry and the guy's like i'll make you a plate and then at the end he's like all right man it's just gonna be 10 each that's like i did not even and i was like ah we were just the guys like that you know tore it up back here and which great show we both had great sets yeah fun sets yeah both of us did a shot on stage in our respectful sets you did was yours tequila uh 1800 what i think it's tequila i drank e and j which i i guess my brain was like i need i think i asked i like, what's the blackest drink you guys can give me right now?

Because I was doing my gin and dew joke. And they're like, you have E and J? I was like, who's Eric J? It's Cognac. It was not good. And I said that. I was like, I think I'm the first person to ever chase Cognac with a mango white wall. Dude, I'm telling you, that... I asked for a shot

on stage. When I'm starting to feel loose on stage and I'm doing some fun crowd work and I'm kind of rolling, I'm like, I could get a free drink right now. So I like to, like, dude, as a guy,

very seldom do you have an opportunity to get free drinks. Yeah. When you're, I don't want to say killing, but kind of killing. You should talk about your feelings and your dick for a while.

Yeah. Like, this guy needs a drink. This guy needs a drink, for God's sake. He thinks he's doing great, but we just fed for him. I'll tell you, dude. I literally, when you do comedy, if you're doing well, you can look at a group of people and make fun of their circumstances. Like, these people weren't VIP.

I made fun of the fact that it was definitely a waste of money. Now, take that in, listener. VIP of a backyard barbecue. That meant they were just under a tent. Under a tent. And on a cloudless day. And you just took it and you go, hey, can I get a shot?

And they're like, oh, I'll give the comedian a shot. It's funny. And to me, I'm like, ooh, a free drink. Everybody's happy. And everybody's also blacked out drunk because that shot was half of a cup. African-American out drunk. Jesus. That's funny. That's me. I really thought I slept there for a cup. Matt. African-American out drunk. Jesus.

That's me. I really thought I slept there for a minute. Did I say the end line? I don't know. It's his wood paneling.

It just does it to me. It's perversing my body. But yeah, it's a fun time. So we did the show.

We paid for the food. That was pretty funny. I don't remember but the guy was just like $10. We're like,

where are the guys? The comedians are very funny. $10. Yeah, as yeah as the headliner sir i don't know if you saw the flyer i'm the headliner kid ripped off 25 beans it was fun though it's the first time i've ever done 25 minutes and it was good it felt good yeah i've done 25 minutes and it was just ah what else like minute 13 you're like dying you're you're it dying. You were moving a lot. It was fun. Yeah. I had a good time. Well, I mean, they were a fun crowd

to just do, spur the moment. Like, it wasn't even like any, I think I hit like two or three rehearsed crowd work. But, there were so many things

in the moment. There was string lights that lit up the backyard nicely, but they were twinkle. Yeah. So they went out every 12 seconds and came back on. So like,

that was an easy thing to talk about. I think both you and I both brought it up. Yeah, they were very receptive. You talked about how there was a little mini bonfire going in the back. Yeah. It was perfect. There was a lot of stuff to go off.

But again, it was a very fun show. Yeah, good times. And then what else did we get into? We went to Sheetz, which that's always an experience. If you've never been to Central PA, Sheetz is like Wawa's cousin. It doesn't come around that often because it always gives you indigestion and touches you. But, yeah, we went to Sheetz.

And then, sorry, before Sheetz, we went to Boomerangs, a comedy zone. Yes. You got in a split off with someone. Yep. I looked over. I was talking to Harrisburg comedians I know up there, Mr. Youngblood, Brandon Youngblood. I look over, and you're on your knees trying to do a split at the bar. I don't like the fact that you're saying trying, because what you should be saying is absolutely ripping.

I'll say this. Nope. You were on one knee, and your other knee was out in front of you straight. That was it. Okay. Let me be honest with you folks here. When you're trying to do a split, it's hard. you were on one knee and your other knee was out in front of you straight that was it okay let me be honest with you folks here when you're trying to do a split it's hard when you're trying to do a split when you're living through a brown out it's the hardest thing because i'll tell you this

yeah man an african-american this is an indian out this is a middle eastern out uh i did not send bobs no not a single but the way this worked out was I told John, I hope you could drive, for I will be at an Oktoberfest before we make the trek to this thing, which John reluctantly said, okay. I guess I have to. So I start boozing at 2 p.m., which I'm a good professional comedian. I take my job seriously. Don't have a paid gig.

I want to be in the right state of mind, which apparently is hammering. Look, look, I killed that. I don't know. I got to be in a car for two hours. What's the best thing I should do for that?

Get mildly drunk. I would feel bad if I had a bad set. I need some brats. Your boy did fine. So I don't feel any. Yeah, no, I think that two hour ride was good for you.

It took you back down to like, took you back a level. Yeah. I mean, I'll tell you what, 2 p.m. I think that two-hour ride was good for you. It took you back down to, like, took you back a level. Yeah. I mean, I'll tell you what. 2 p.m., I did a shot ski. A ski shot. Yeah, shot skis. With one other man. And there's four of them.

And the girls who brought it to us were like, is this going to be you two guys? And we're like, yeah. You're like, oh, so your girlfriends are going to come and do the next one? They're like, no. They're not even here. Just two boys out having a shot ski. I'll tell you one better we lived together

so I love if like when like somebody's having a hard time you're like hey man meet me at the bar let's go grab a drink

we gotta talk about this you sit down you're having a hard time the bartender brings it over he's like alright boys here it is and you guys have a shotski together

he's like you know I think I'm thinking about leaving my wife three two one anyway at the same time you guys do at the same time that's it yeah there's never like a you gotta go have a heart-to-heart at the bar and you guys have a mai tai nobody's like i'm just doing that yeah if anyone invites me to a bar for like a heart-to-heart i'm getting a drink with an umbrella in it and order fries that you guys haven't shared. Oh, with a fun straw.

I want there to be the curliest of straws. I'll bring my own. Just because I want you to... He's talking about how he's like, I think I'm going to leave my job and travel around the world, but I'm going to leave my family too. And I'm like, whoo, he's got his straws away too. He's talking about his divorce that's coming up. And you're like, trying to find the straw

with your mouth while he's talking to you. I'm blowing chocolate milk bubbles in my glass. Like, no, yeah, definitely. Yeah, you didn't even go to a bar. You went to Friendly's. Yo, if I ever have to, if I ever text you, I'm like, Matt, I need some advice. Just respond to me. Meet me at Friendly's.

Meet me at Friendly's. And you don't even know which one, but we feel which one it is. I think they've all closed. Is there any friendlies left no there's a couple the one right up here isn't a friendlies anymore there's two

Defer had like six friendlies Defer was just friendlies yeah well there's not friendlies in KFC you ever get abducted at a friendlies that's where I deserve

to be abducted dude that was friendlies is always where we went after like the middle school dances yeah and I remember my parents wouldn't give me money because they were like well you're gonna eat before you go like yeah i need some chicken

fingers and a mcfribble well that's mcdonald's never mind fribble shake was friendly that's when you need late night tenders at 9 p.m so i would have like a couple bucks and across the street was taco bell yeah so we would just walk through the drive-thru at taco bell we thought we were so cool we would get four people in the shape of a car, and then you'd be walking out. And this is like seventh grade. We're totally sober. And this was just so funny to us. We'd be like, like one person doing the engine noise.

And then you all walk in unison. And the Taco Bell people, God bless them, they're probably just high 19-year-olds. They're like, check it out, we've got four more on the drive-thru. You guys doing that, dude, look, that's how you know that there's a there's a rainbow we got payment thing because if a school shooter could have peeled you four off better for it dude that's unbelievable so we were saying we went to the bar after and look i'm i'm hanging on by a thread at this point somebody gives me a

and it's one of those cores light with the cap i like yeah you cold cans dude there's not many bars that give you the option to reseal your beer. It's incredible. Like, we're going to take the cap. It's like, so the only thing keeping me from driving with a drink is somehow just getting that cap back for you? Exactly. Okay. Yeah.

And then I'm sitting next to Manny Santiago, who is the sweetest boy of all. Just the sweetheart. I'm hanging out with him. At this point, I'm with Dunzo. You're off talking to your homies I'm kind of there was a decent portion where I was just sitting there

like full asleep I think at one point you were asleep but not quick nap you were doing a sit up eyes open nap quick nap

you were having a I'm still talking and conversing but somehow still asleep nap I was beat so then but then after John's like

look we're in the area we gotta stop at Sheetz and I spoke my mind and i said okay we go there yes honest do you remember what you got to eat so i'll explain to you why because that's probably one of the few things i remember before literally literally it's two hour drive go to sheets and then within seconds for me i'm back in my apartment but so we go to sheets and oh so mentally you thought you were going to agree. I knew. It's one of those, I knew if I got to that ordering thing, there's no way I'm completing an order.

So I'm going, we're doing pre-made stuff, but I still want a sandwich. So I go, what's the best kind of sandwich to get at 1230 in the morning in Harrisburg Sheetz? Your boy goes, It wasn't even Harrisburg, this is like in the stick Sheetz. Well, I'm sticking right into Sheetz. When I order sheets your boy goes wasn't even harris but this is like in the stick sheets well i'm in the i'm sticking it right into sheets when i order a cold tuna sandwich with an expiration date that i

didn't read and it tasted i think it's a tuna wedge on the thing yeah which that those words don't go they sure know but they went in me they don't go together but they went in and yeah you got in the car and it and if there's one smell in this world that will trigger me vomiting, it's tuna fish. I wish I liked it. I love all fish.

I ate salmon tonight. I passed it. But tuna, for some reason, the smell of it makes me sick. It might not anymore because I haven't tested. I will not eat canned tuna

because I used to throw up from the smell of it. Dude, throw some mayonnaise on that bad boy i told you that yeah you literally put down a wedge a tuna wedge faster than anyone i've ever seen and i gotta think in your drunk brain it was out of respect for the person's driving friends though you put it in your body you're like don't worry i'm gonna put it in this safe down here you can't smell it in my tongue while i'm looking at i'm like this guy's chauffeuring my corpse around.

I can at least put the tuna away. Oh, dude, I'll tell you, I know exactly what I got, because the next day I saw the bag on my counter. I looked at my purchases. I got voodoo chips. Oh, voodoo chips. I made you get those. They're delicious.

Which were phenomenal. Yeah. I had voodoo chips. But not good right before a two-hour drive home. Well, certainly not good when that aroma is mixing with tuna fish. Oh, yeah. And I got Reese's peanut butter cupcakes, which is like, hey, what? What the fuck?

What did you get? I don't even know what you got. I walked in and scared the shit out of two goth youths that were just standing there. Yeah. Because we walked in, and I will say, shout out to Sheetz. You guys know your clientele. there yeah because we walked in and i will say shout out the sheets you guys know your clientele they put the uh the ice cream like waist high freezer right as you walk in yeah there's the first thing and i was like oh i do want candy bar candy ice cream bar so i walked in there's two

goth girls like over in the like walking the candy and like sunflower seed aisle up and down and i was like hey you they pointed both of them i was like if you were to get an ice cream now what would you get and they both came over and one picked like strawberry shortcake which not bad but like there's so many better options in there yeah the other one picked like some bullshit like do you hear that yeah somebody broke into john's backyard um the other one was like a chip which is like oh yeah that's good too but like there was like triple king size uh snicker ice cream in there i think that's what i ended up getting yeah i got that and uh boneless nuggets in dr pepper barbecue sauce see that sounds incredible which i i made a joke about it in my

set and i'm now thinking back to it and that no one will know but the tag i definitely stole from shane gillis when he was on the bonfire he was just talking about like he's like this is the land that has dr pepper barbecue sauce and no no i didn't steal it he said something different my whole bit was just like that i feel like somewhere in r&d they're like how can we get diabetes into these backpacks even quicker yeah and somebody in the back raised their hand it was just like what if we put soda in the sauce yeah that's great they're like god damn it eric this is why you're gonna be the president of sheets one day he's a 19 year old kid just stone yeah so i don't think i totally stole that but But yeah, and it is, it's delicious, but it is instant indigestion.

Yeah. But your boy's smart. I knew going up there, I had to pop a Prilosec on the way up. No, I went heavy Prilosec. Heavy Pry, yeah. And yeah, two hour drive home of which you slept for an hour and 58 minutes. Genuinely, I'm telling you, I walked out of that Sheetz and I arrived. You woke up at your apartment, yeah. And it was great. I walked, I couldn't talk. I walked out of that Sheetz and I arrived. You woke up at your apartment, yeah.

And it was great. I walked, I couldn't talk. I just sounded like I'd been smoking for years. I've gotten really good at doing that drive. And I wasn't drunk. I only had like two drinks at the show. And then I think half of that Coors Light that they bought us. I basically drank for the both of us for the rest of the duration.

And I've done that drive a lot, like late night, coming back from like when I used to live out there. But my headquarters for work was in New Jersey. jersey yeah and it's not a fun drive but you did you didn't wake up and shout out i mean we don't think we talked about in the last one when our last road trip to asbury you fell asleep in the car and you woke up and your wake-up sentence out of a dream was woke people don't even care about ticket sales and you said it so confidently that i was i i stopped for a second i was like wait were we having a conversation and also but you made like a point where i was like i guess i don't i don't know when you responded to

me because i was like literally it was one of those ones where you fall like i fell asleep for maybe a half a second but i was talking during it and when i came to you had like an almost kind of like all right but then you thought about it for another second i could tell you were like and then you went what yeah i don't know i have no idea what i just said jesus dude yeah that was brutal oh i do it all the time i try to act like i wasn't sleeping i'm that guy yeah like i would avoid me on the couch and i'm like no the episode didn't even begin before you went to the, what? No,

you're tired. I'm going to go to bed. I instantly turned into a 10 year old kid that doesn't want to go night night. Yeah. My girlfriend,

you don't tell me when I go to bed. She's like, it's 430 in the morning. You're eating Dr. Pepper barbecue. Yeah. Off of your shirt.

Well, my girlfriend will do it to me, but she'll do it while I'm asleep. She'll wake me up while she's asleep to tell me something. So she'll be like, and she'll talk in her sleep and it'll wake me up. Oh me, but she'll do it while I'm asleep. She'll wake me up while she's asleep to tell me something. So she'll be like, and she'll talk in her sleep and it'll wake me up.

Oh, yeah. And she'll be like, like one time she woke up and she's like, you got to take care of them. And I was like, where am I? Where that? She's like, what? And I was like, what? Damn, no, that's just looper. That's her future self coming back through dreams.

And it's like at some point in the future future you don't take well enough care of your kids and she as the you know doctor she is develops something to go back in time but only through dreams am i writing the greatest movie ever on an episode that we don't think the audio is working on yeah yes yeah so she loopers back only through dreams and wakes up and says you gotta take care of them so every time she's learning how to come back for longer sentences. But your weirdo brain has also got that technology in the future. It's like, I've got to tell Matt about

woke people and ticket sales. I have to let the world know. What would that movie be called? Looper 2. Cooper. Slooper. Sleepy Looper. Sleepy Looper. Night Night. Well, actually, now that this is a little off off top but I wanted to run this one by

because this made me laugh when I was thinking about it so I did a show yesterday and you know comedy show for the listener oh I did do a comedy show after this show I did a show yesterday and you probably know I'm pretty hard on myself when it comes to stand up.

Yeah. You know, I don't, I don't like, I was not happy with how things went. So on the drive home, I have about 40 minutes in the drive home to just go over what went wrong. And I also was reinforced. This is kind of funny, but also like, it's funny now in the moment. I was like, oh no. So, you know, you know, the audience was probably like 20, 25 people.

And there's like a back table of like a family probably eight people they're like rowdy like they're drunk it was a byob yeah they're passing around a tito's thing so i'm like i'll go into them so that was my first fuck up where it was like somebody had already gone up and talked to them and they could tell that they're just annoying so what you really should do is not avoid them at all not avoid them but don't entertain them as the source of crowd work. Talk to other quieter people. Like,

shouldn't they? They're fucking annoying. Right. But that's eight people versus 16, whatever. So then we're like, I'm going back and forth with them. Isn't that like, I'm doing,

I'm doing okay. Start now. So it's not boring. I'm just very tired. No, it is. But so we're going back and forth and it's going like, well,

like I'm throwing some good lines and stuff and they're like on board. So then I'm like very tired. No, it is. But so we're going back and forth and it's going like, well, like I'm throwing some good lines and stuff and they're like on board. So then I'm like, oh, I'm from New Jersey because this is out in Delco. Okay. So they have the, you know, stupid Delco pride, which like genuinely, it's a funny thing to make fun of, but it also annoys me where I'm like, nobody gives a fuck which county you're from. Yeah.

You don't live in Philly. You live in PA. It doesn't matter. We talked about it before. Pennsylvania people have too much county pride too much county pride so i'm talking to them and i'm like are we in delco or is this like monaco and they're like no this is delco monaco and i'm like all right whatever and then i'm like i'm here from jersey so like you know and then the table starts going oh jerry so i was like so then i go again no i'm sorry i said that earlier so i go

we're in pa whatever i was like i'm here from jersey and then they're like oh jersey whatever this and that blah blah i'm like was this delco or monco whatever and they're like no this is delco fuck monco and i thought it'd be funny to say it doesn't matter to me you're all white trash opiate addicts anyway which no nobody had a good time nobody enjoyed even remotely and this is four minutes into a 15 minute set i mean it was too specific on my part you can either say they're white trash or they're opiates you certainly can't get that many like also all your kids are stupid but the worst part is to do it and then like be like smiling waiting for them to laugh and you're like oh i hurt your feelings.

Anyway, what about sneakers, guys? Aren't sneakers funny? So the rest of my set was very nice little three or four out of ten. After I get done, one of the ladies that owned the place was like, you know, you really freaked me out with that opiate joke. And I was like, what? And she was like, ugh. And then that was it. Just walked away.

My son died from huffing dust. Dude, honestly, there had to have been one person there who somebody died from opiates. And I was like, oh, let me make fun of it to your face. But you were up there with a clean keyboard and a clean conscience, baby. That was high shit on dusters, baby. Oh, dusters. But I had to tell you that was brutal. That's hilarious.

I was really thinking back. I was like, what? Because nobody did great. Gary Sharp had a great set. Gary, very funny guy. Check him out. But it was just sometimes you show yourself. He started his set off with, hey, fuck that guy, right?

Well, look, sometimes. Talking to you. Yeah, exactly. Well, sometimes you feel like you can take leaps based on prior sets. Like I was at an all-black backyard show to which I told all the people in the audience that they were racist white people in the clan. And I was like, listen, I can say whatever I want at this point. Evidently. I think you ended your set with,'re all racist thank you i met peoples i'm not even that's not me trying to be funny i'm pretty sure that is the last which is

and it got like a great laugh yeah i know that's why i was like i'm carrying that confidence but yeah i had to bring that bad boy that's hilarious though yeah dude so if you look if you see me doing well just know sometimes it doesn't go great it was good enough that we can segue this into plugs it was good enough

that you got invited back for another cricket comedy show bang bang down in Glassboro on the 21st of October it's a Thursday

evening myself yourself Mr. Rat Boy James Moss and Ricky P hilarious guys in cricket comedy

we'll be down at Axe and Arrow so hit us up there um man this is Mr. Rap Boy James Moss and Ricky P and Cricket Comedy will be down at Axe and Arrow so hit us up there man this is the smoothest we've ever gone to plugs the 23rd

I'll be at White Swan which is so fun to say because it sounds like White's one White Swan out in

Lidditz, PA which is out by Lancaster I don't know if that's going to be a fun one I think Joey Tepedino is hosting it.

He's one of my favorite comics out there. So that'll be a good one. Gary Romero's on that one. Kirk Griffiths is on that one too. Great dude. Great fro. And the 20... That was the 23rd. The 26th I'll be on Booze and Confused with the two dudes and a dad

over in South Philly at Pennsport Brewery Brewery? Beer Brewery. And there's something else in there. Monty Comedy, Hacks Comedy Golf. You can catch me on them. Check this darn kid out.

So sleepy now. Where can the fellas and the gals listen to you tell them they're opiate addicts? I mean, to be fair, I'm not wrong. Anyway. Yeah, I mean, fantastic. So October 15th, we'll be at Broadway Comedy Club hosting that bad boy. It's bringer season, baby.

October 18th, I'm doing the Rose Battle at Raven. Reached out to by Drew. He asked me to do it. I'm trying to build up my rankings. I think 17th is horseshit. You're ranked higher than me. Well, rightfully so. Well, yeah. The 20th, I'll be at

Brightside Tavern in Jersey City. That'll be a fun one there with Matt Rivera and some of those Asbury Park guys. All very funny. Actually, there's going to be two cool headliners. One of the guys, I can't think of his name right now, but he's got like 3 million followers on tiktok i've like seen his tiktoks before i knew he was a comic he's the feature i shouldn't know the headliner but yeah definitely know his name because it just sounds like he does dances yeah no he does

impressions which is well funny guy yeah you're really not selling them so i'll be there the 21st like john said we'll be at uh ax and arrow we're gonna get hammered landmark after so i'll be driving matt drunk well matt will be drunk i'll be driving him home he's gonna wake up probably come so he's like you know koreans never even smell their own feet like what did you say when you woke up that's a valid point but uh so the 23rd i'll be at ruba in philly uh that's what the two dads and dude whatever it is the fourth i'll be'll be at Stand Up New York. It's bringer season, baby. Bringer season.

So, what can you do? November 12th, I'll be in a roast at Old City Tavern. I'm roasting Christian Menguel. Menguel,

very funny guy. Oh, yeah. Very funny guy. Well, he used to be part of Raven. I don't know him at all, really. We talked a couple times,

but the lady asked me to do it. 21st, Devil's Creek Brewing, another cricket show. That'll be at 5 p.m. Come know him at all, really. We talked a couple times, but the lady asked me to do it. 21st, Devil's Creek Brewing, another cricket show. That'll be 5 p.m. Come get drunk at Collinswood. And that is your boy right there. Handsome Idiot's Pod on Instagram. Check it out. Our Twitter

is at Drake. It's actually Champion Pop. And you can actually find us on YouTube at Impractical Jokers bloopers. True TV. And then we would be remiss if we don't mention that Shamrockson is a sham.

The sun is not out anymore for us, ladies and gentlemen. We are in an infinite night. Good night! Bye! Good night. Bye.