That Rules Podcast - Episode #2: The Tale of Huffy Cranbrook

Episode Date: June 5, 2021

Just two fellas in a garage, waiting out a storm, talking about what Handsome really means. Tune in ya idiots.

All right, what's up? We are back with episode two of what is officially now known as the Handsome Idiots Podcast. The Handsome Idiots Podcast. We're keeping it handsome. We're in the garage. We just had to wait for a storm to pass. You never would have thought that there would be a rain delay on a podcast, but it's apparently a thing. Comedy 2020, baby.

And I'm sitting across the floor, the room, from my co-host, who's back with both knees showing. Same pants, same capris. Hair growing. Keeping it loose. Limousine riding. That's right. Fuck boy. Anyway.

Fuck boy riding. Matt Peoples is in the house. Here he is. He's here. He's not queer, but he's enjoying Pride Month. Getting loose for the pod we are. John's the one cracking a couple claw boys this time. Nice.

They're more advanced claws. They're like a locally brewed seltzer. Let me see what that is. And I'm drinking them out of a really cool Yeti thing. Oh, okay. It's a sparkling seltzer from not our sponsor but if you guys want to sponsor us i tried this on hacks as well forgotten boardwalk seltzers that's right they're fucking good i think that's their tagline that's exactly right and and listen you

might be thinking god i'd love to sponsor them but i'm not a business you can always just give us money and we'll talk about you it doesn't matter you can ask us talk about whatever you want we'll dedicate an hour podcast just about you if you give us like 15 bucks my idea was always to just talk shit and talk really bad about companies until they sponsor you yeah to make you stop doing it that's right so forgotten boardwalk will give you herpes today at starbucks somebody called me the n-word so starbucks Starbucks, one of your employees did. So, deal with that what you will.

Tune in next week for Starbucks Presents. So, speaking of names, so we came up with a name. Last week, we didn't have a name. This week,

we got one. What are your thoughts on handsome idiots? Is that fitting for you? I think it's fitting, but I think it's a bit of a pat on the old back to call yourself handsome.

But listen, we were talking about it beforehand, and here's the deal, kids. Many times in stand-up comedy, you will be brought up where the host is trying to make some kind of joke about you at your expense or just something about you. some kind of joke about you at your expense or just something about you. I can't tell you the amount of times I have been brought up about and something referred to as being handsome. So with all that being said, we effectively did not name the podcast. Open mic and local show hosts named this podcast. It is true. It got to the point where, so I started comedy out in Harrisburg.

Yeah. And I'll say this. I'm a comedy nine, looks wise. Maybe a 10. In Harrisburg, I might be an 11. Sure. I'm an everyday six, seven. Right.

You know what I mean? And it's anyone who has been to an open mic but has also been to the world, the rest of it, knows exactly what we're talking about. That's right. So when I started in comedy in Harrisburg, I would get introduced literally as handsome john yeah when i wrote my name on the sign up list as john montag to the point where i would show up to a mic and there were somewhere like they would just kind of fill it out when they see people come in they would write it themselves yeah and on the list it would say handsome John and it just made me look like the biggest piece of shit and then starting my set off by saying

that's not my stage name so like it's we might as well just lean into it at this point yeah we're living a handsome lifestyle handsome's a funny word too because I was thinking about that no one's ever been like man you're sexy or you're hot it's always you're handsome

and handsome I feel like is just like exactly what your aunt No one's ever been like, man, you're sexy or you're hot. It's always you're handsome. And handsome, I feel like, is just like exactly what your aunt or your mom would tell you you look like when you put on a suit for prom. That's right. You're like, oh, my God, you're handsome. So I was thinking about this when I was running today. I was deep in my mind thinking about handsomeness. And I was thinking handsome is really just the best version of yourself. So everyone has the ability to be handsome.

Yeah. Like, if you go around most days with, like, an unkempt beard, you don't do your hair. If you just, like, slightly trim your beard and brush your hair, someone that knows you will be like, oh, man, you look handsome today. So I think it's not a cocky thing to embrace the handsomeness. I think what we're doing is we are just here dispelling beauty standards. That is our main message to everybody listening. You are beautiful as you are, but you're not handsome. We will not bring you on as a guest unless you pass a handsome test from Matt and I.

And that's where we both get drunk. And we scroll through your Instagram. And if we accidentally like a picture from three years ago, you're our next guest. You're on. And honestly, like John was saying, 90% of men are a haircut and 20 pounds away from handsome. It's not even the 20 pounds. It's knowing yourself. Like I know a lot of guys that have beards that hide double chins so well yeah and

it's the point where like we've had the conversations before where like my wife be like oh that guy should shave and i'm like no trust me he's gonna look like a completely different person especially if you're a white guy in your 20s and 30s all that weight even if you're the most fit person in the world goes right to under your chin yeah yeah no matter what it is like i've had a stubble beard for 12 years now and i don't think I can ever shave it because I think my wife would leave me. Exactly. You're like a different person.

It is brutal, but... I had somebody ask me one time, they were like, does your beard just grow in that stubbly shape? I'm like, I have to put a lot of minutes into grooming this once a week. It's a fury. If you're sitting there making your beard look unkempt, you should be in prison for at least 13 weeks. At least 13 weeks.

Yeah, it's a thin line. I think if you shave the neck part and trim the face, you walk a thin line of looking like you're a Persian that loves, like, Gucci loafers, or you just went to the barber. Yeah, and that's the kind of, I don't know. I go to this place on Kings Highway called Marano's. Shout out, shout out, my boy Max. Dude, I went there for the first time. I didn't know. I go to this place on Kings Highway called Marano's.

Shout out. Shout out my boy Max. Dude, I went there for the first time. I didn't know if the guy I was getting was any good because he had so many available times. Is that the guy who was a stand-up comic for like a minute? There was a guy who used to come to High Note. Is it him? Oh, wow.

We just uncovered it for you. I knew this guy was familiar. And he came for like Three open mics And then told everybody I'm headlining a show In South Philly At like a bar or something Yeah And it was funny Because all of his material

Was like South Philly centric But he was doing it Doing it in Haddon Township Yeah So like Everyone knew it But And then we never saw him again

But I've heard he's a good barber That is fucking crazy That's definitely him I don't go to him But the dude He's always in town Fuck that guy Fuck that You're an embarrassment But that guy You he's a good barber that's definitely him I don't go to him but the dude he's always fuck that guy you're an embarrassment

but that guy you're not a good comic that guy I'm kidding you're great good haircut you're never going to listen to this yeah

nobody's it's alright if this guy listens he's our first sponsor so that's fucking insane yeah it's definitely that guy then what a cute kid

sweet kid I never got to I now love going to the barber like I always watched Barbershop when I was a kid and everything and I mean granted a white barbershop and a black barbershop Or way different things, but I so I grew up my mom owned a hair salon my whole life I never paid for a haircut, but I was also the guinea pig at that salon Yeah, so like when I when like highlights in, like, frosted tips were a thing. Oh, no. I, like, had to get them because they needed someone to test it on to be like, can we do this on guys?

Don't you love how John's trying to qualify it? Like, it wasn't his decision. He's like, I had to get it on. Well, now I just, I love, I get frosted tips every summer just for the health. Just because it looks good. It goes around just frosting people's tips. Yeah. That's what it is.

But, yeah, so it wasn't until I moved away again to Harrisburg I had to like find a barber and actually she made listen this shout out to Sunny D she's got Tom boys barbershop in Harrisburg that girl is a success story so she's a great like I followed her like three different barbershops cuz I don't know she got fired or she quit at all of them and she finally opened up her own and is doing really well it's like right next to a Capitol building so she cuts like a bunch of Sanders hairs and shit. Sunny D, baby. Sunny D.

She's a sometime comic, too. Funny gal. I mean, how many comics are also barbers? That's an incredible... That's like two cool things to be. There's a... Cool and stand-up comic is a loose term because... Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean that. I was saying the combination of them. If you just are a comic, it's upsetting. But if you're a comic and a barber, that's kind of sick. There is a guy I noticed

a lot of comics in Philly all go to. It was just posted they got a Rick job. And it's this guy, Rick job. I don't know. Guy cuts good hair. Who gets good haircut

in Philly? But I don't know. There's a bunch of Philly comics that I see on Instagram and they tag the guy all the time. Oh, I don't know. If I had the urge to go get my haircut in Philly but I don't know there's a bunch of Philly comics that I see on Instagram and they tag the guy all the time oh I don't know if I had the urge

to go get my haircut in Philly I'd check it out just so I can get more embedded in the comedy scene you'd get ripped up yeah Jesus but this place I went to

that now we know that that guy owns which is crazy I don't know it's fucking $30 an haircut either way that's cheaper than

I pay what? yeah that's what sucks that's what I wanted to say was and and I think my barber might listen to this. I told him about it. I started going to this guy and I became good friends with him. Like we golf together and stuff.

Oh, that's what you're thinking about running that show at? Yeah. And then, like, I think it was before the pandemic, he raised his prices, which I was like, all right, fair enough. And I only go once a month. Yeah. So, and sometimes I'll just put it off for, like, months at a time. But I kind of, like, had that moment where I want to be like, oh, am I going to be one of the guys that gets the old rate? And then, like, the first one, they were like, nope, new rate.

Pay for it. It's so sad when you think you're in somewhere. But it's the price you pay to stay handsome. It's tough. It's worth it, too. I want long hair so bad. I, like, I beg my wife to give me the nod because i need her to be like yeah not to be like approval but i need her to be like you're not gonna look like

a total fucking idiot oh yeah but there's such a weird in between when you like i had long hair in high school that was almost like to my shoulders yes i loved it and i wanted again i put it on one of those the face app where you can like change your face to a baby or add long hair yeah and i put it on instagram and like the messages were two opposite ends it was like don't ever fucking do this or oh my god you need long hair yeah so i'm still on the fence i tried on one pandemic away i was gonna say if we have another pandemic i'm going thor hair dude i went four months that's a long i go every two weeks normally i go every two weeks i get an upsetting shaped skull so i have to kind of keep it maintained that's the thing too I have a big head.

You got to. No, I have a head that just doesn't add up. Like if you shade it, if you ever lost your hair, you're fucked. I used to have a buzz cut in high school. And I can't even. I just was a really bummer to look at for about two years in high school. And then I found this haircut, and we stuck with it the entire time. But during the pandiesel, didn't get a haircut for four months only my mom and my sister liked it

and everybody else in my life hated it is that a live update uh we're dealing with the the oh sorry i was listening to matt but not the offshoot of uh this torrential downpour so this will come out a week after but i'm sure everyone in the Philly area got hit with that two-hour chunk of torrential downpour. And anytime it rains, it turns into me and my neighbors arguing about water flow downhill. And I get texts and videos sent to me.

And I don't know. I'm at the end of my rope about it. I can't even talk about it on here for legal reasons, maybe. I don't know. We'll get sued. We don't want to have to have our attorneys over there.

John's furious. He just broke his chair. One and a half drinks in, I'm drunk. Unbelievable. What's the alcohol content on that bad boy? I think they're like 6%.

Getting loose. Maybe 5 something. They're delicious. They're great on a summer's day. Again, Forgotten Boardwalk will kidnap your children if you ever bring them

to their brewery until they sponsor us and then they're the greatest place on earth. That's right. And also, Starbucks and also starbucks is racist yeah just want to get that point across also if there's anyone listening that wants to uh give me stickers the uh recording device we're on right now sits on a trash picked bar stool that i've covered in stickers that peel off very easily so send us stickers i love them yeah you might be wondering is there a whole host of spiders underneath of this stool?

Well, you're absolutely right. There is. And we decided the only appropriate thing to do was to put the recording device that we probably use. Probably this is like a $6,000 or $7,000 recording device that we use. At least upwards. Because we go for the best quality sound. And we know that because we have to turn off a fan. We have to shut the door.

We couldn't record. And wait for rain to stop. And wait for rain. So this is just a high-tech operation. I did want to record it with the thunder in the background and we just tell each other scary stories yeah I thought that'd be amazing and then I didn't pay my student I had to go back to your Philly ghost voice that never worked it always made me laugh that's one of those ones I remember you came out to me and you're like I got this bit and basically it's just I do a Philly accent

but I'm a ghost and I was like, 100% do it. Killer, yeah. And it bombed and you came back and had this look of like, you told me to do it

and I was like, I loved it. I felt like I just found out my kid was ugly. I was so excited about that one. It's one of those ones you know is not a good joke but it's very funny to me.

It's more, yeah, it's yours. You can just say it at home. Probably 90% of my humor. Walking around. My stand-up. Not humor.

I hate when people say my humor. My humor. My sense of humor. I have a really, that's what I hate. I have a really dark sense of humor. And it's like, they'll walk into a McDonald's and yell penis. And you're like, oh my God. I'll be honest with you, that's better than most of the open mic material I've heard.

Just walk in somewhere and yell. The penis game is still, did you ever play the penis game when you were a kid? Oh, my God, yeah. That sounds weird. Let me give some background on that. It's when you blow your closest friend. Yeah, it's when you put as many penises in your hand as you can at once. Yeah, and then you do like a shake weight motion.

No, the penis game, for those of you that weren't a youth between 1991 and I guess now, is you're just in public and one person says penis at a lower volume and then you continually one up each other until someone's screaming penis at the top of their lungs it was great on the bus field trips it was always fun field trips are good I remember being in like the holocaust museum in DC yeah and we're seeing all the shoes and it's very depressing my buddy without even like prefacing it was just like a penis and it's like and I'm like damn it I gotta go you're allbel above that. You're not going to get out-penis at the Holocaust Museum.

Yeah. That's what I think that's one of the rules when you walk in. Like the third rule is like, don't get out-penis. It's a lot more like Schindler's Pissed if I'm catching my breath. Oh, calling the cops, folks. Is it fair to say? The neighbor was right. This guy was right.

Oh, this is a pun cast now. That's a pun cast. Not a pun cast. What did you do for Memorial Day weekend? What did we do for Memorial Day weekend? Well, it was a nice 48 degree overcast MD Diesel and didn't do a single thing.

I got drunk in my apartment two different nights. As opposed to other weeknights where you're usually reading and mentoring youths. A lot of reading. Got to catch back up on my reading. Memorial Day weekend got in the way of all my reading do you read at all yeah twitter yeah so my wife's going on interviews right now and they they asked her they were like uh

come prepare like a couple things one is like your two most recent books you read and i've had that question in interviews before and anyone listening to this that does has known me for a while i've had a lot of jobs. I've always, like, successfully gone up a level each job somehow, whether fired from the previous or the company closed down for legal reasons. But I had someone ask me that, and I literally buckled, but the genius in me just looked behind the guy, and I named two books on his shelf. And one was Rich Dad, Poor Dad. Read that one was Rich Dad Poor Dad read that one which I had to read in college I think I read it and the other one I can't remember is like made to stick and it's like a sales book and I'm a sales rep yeah I've always been in sales since I came out

of college so I just bullshitted like I was like this has to be in there I was like you know sometimes it's not about who you're selling to but it's what you're selling to them or some bullshit like that and they're just like yeah go on i think that was chapter seven like there's those books are so full of just bullshit cliches it's all this and i i do it all the time i'm on these like sales calls all the time where we're talking about how to get better at selling yeah and i throw that shit out there and i i just hit my mark at the beginning of the call and i'm like i can coast for the rest of the ride now like i'm just like you know sometimes the product sells you like and everyone's like oh yeah that guy fucking the rich dad poor dad guy

he has like a whole section in the book where he says like pay yourself first and he's talking about like before taxes before this and that his it's like a theme that he's trying to say like make your money make money for you so reinvest it so like whatever dude literally went bankrupt i don't know that we want to listen also he looks like john quinones from what would you do you ever see that show it's on youtube and you just watch it familiar it's like oh it's the greatest i've wanted to think of some kind of bit about it it's something on youtube where they'll make like a they'll be in a coffee shop and the girl at the coffee shop is an actress and she's like

Muslim. It's like punked but no celebrities? Yeah, well she's like a Muslim. And then a lady comes in there. A bomb vest. Did you need this? No, of course not. So they'll go in and they'll be like, oh you shouldn't be here. They'll have another actor go like, you shouldn this no of course not we uh so like they'll go in and then the they'll be like oh you shouldn't be here they'll have another actor go like you shouldn't be here and then

they just see how people around them react see i feel like that because i'm pretty sure what would you do was a show in the 90s too like on tv wasn't it was something 90 sure but it was more just like goofy things like a guy's got a turd hanging out his pants no not like it's not like there's a guy hitting his wife in public it's like are you gonna be a white knight like because i 100 i'm gonna be that guy that's like i have my headphones on i never heard it like but meanwhile i'm recording it like no it's a world star and it's like that show was so funny because there's so there's only so many things you can do until you have to start branching into like weird stuff like they started out by having like a kid with special needs who works at the grocery store and then they have an

actor tell him you're going too slow and then people react and it got to the point where they were just like something like totally ridiculous like you know this guy was tailgating him the whole time what would he do so it's essentially it's scare tactics for woke people scare tactics scare tactics a great show didn't tracy morgan host that for like a minute yes he was like i'm gonna scare you that was the whole show was like boom and then that was it i also enjoy that we both found out we do a decent tracy morgan i i will say that tracy morgan is probably amongst me and my friends like one of our earliest like stand-up routines that we would quote for the longest time and it's literally like the punch lines there the one is uncle jimmy wheelchair pillow stink and it doesn't make any sense but

it's so good i'll still if any of my friends are listening to this i'll get a text after this comes out just saying like uncle jimmy's wheelchair pillow stinks and it's fucking perfect so great i was listening to a podcast earlier and they were talking about like the what got you into comedy and like what were your favorite things and it's so funny because whenever I was listening to a podcast earlier, and they were talking about, like, what got you into comedy and, like, what were your favorite things? And it's so funny because whenever I'm listening to a podcast, I answer those in my head. Yeah. And I'm, like, so shameful. Like, it's always the obvious.

Like, I used to watch Seinfeld with my dad. Yeah. So we started watching Seinfeld stand up. Yeah. I bought him the one special. It was when DVDs first came out. Yeah. So, like, the year you were born.

Sure. Probably, actually actually that's funny I bought him the it's I'm telling you for the last time and it's Seinfeld literally just does all his old material

yeah which now as a comic I'm like oh no one can do that like he literally did that and meanwhile he did it again years later is that the one where it opens up

that he's at like a funeral yeah so he's and the funeral is one of the best scenes because he's burying. It's all of his notes in the casket and he's burying them all. The one joke and this can just turn into us telling our favorite jokes. Yeah.

Was tied commercial. If there's that much blood on your shirt, maybe laundry isn't your first problem. That's pretty good. Yeah. And then it cuts like Richard Lewis in the crowd. Him or in like the audience of, what do you call a funeral audience? I don't know.

Just a, what's that called? Like a. Funeral group. It's a group of something. He's crying and he just goes, who are these people? And it's like, so that like, that is my basis for comedy when I look back at it. But also I was in high school and college when Dane Cook was fucking enormous yeah Dane Cook

was the guy but he's now the guy it's like saying that you hate Nickelback now when you fucking definitely listened to Nickelback when they were out

everyone wants to shit on Dane Cook but there's also at any open mic there's six people doing Dane Cook material essentially he's like

he was the big guy I think for me he was the big guy when I was like in later middle school and then kevin hart was like okay that kind of like it went so the big trailers was like dan cook to kevin hart so i guess now it's like well now it's weird because there's so much comedy that if you're getting into it a lot of people be like i'm really into it and their favorite favorite comic is not.

Like back then there was only, let's say, ten specials a year. Yeah. So it was like you either liked Kevin Hart, Dane Cook. Like Bill Burr was maybe putting stuff out then. Chappelle, which everyone loved. Yeah. Or like, what's his name? Dennis Leary would put out like one every couple years.

And that was like my parents' generation kind of. I watched the set. It was like a recorded thing for HBO, and he bombs the whole time. So it's amazing to see that now because it's like if you look back at – we were talking about this earlier because we were talking about saying that there's a joke I saw that someone posted for a show coming up, but it's definitely a joke because the punchline is Aaron Carter. And it's a great punchline,

but it definitely was like a 10 to 12 year old joke. So it's funny, like going back and watching all of those things that I loved when I was younger and I'm like, Oh, this would bomb at an open mic. Yeah. But there's also that level of these guys weren't telling these jokes to

other comics. Like their open mic was essentially comedy clubs. Like, I don't think Jerry Seinfeld ever had to go write his name on a list. That's what people talk about. Like, when they get to a certain point, they write on the road. Like, at shows, that's when they're coming up with new shit, which is crazy. But this is one. So this is actually, I guess, talks more about when I got into it.

I got into it, I don't know how I came across it. I started, like, the L't know how I came across it. I started like the LA podcast scene. Yeah. I think when I was like a senior in college. How many years ago was that now?

What's that, three, four? Okay. Maybe a junior. I think it was a senior. That's kind of funny, actually at my college, I'd never done stand-up before

and they were having a comedy night where you enter in like a competition and then there's so many comics and then somebody wins money. And I entered.

They call that a contest. That's what they say. After Philly's Funniest, I don't fucking ever win. It's this thing where you go in and you do a thing, and if you're good enough, you win. They win. Yeah. Well, like I said, Philly's Funniest has taught me those things aren't real. Because if I would have won, it would have been the most real thing of all time.

But the fact that I lost in the first round there's no fucking such thing so this podcast will either get like extra bitter in a couple weeks if i don't advance after the first round or i'm just gonna be like you know what sometimes the system really gives you yeah it's either gonna be turned into a bashing anti-contest scene or i'm gonna be like you know what they have it down a really good plan i do listen in comedy if anything nice happens to me from a person i love them and if it's bad i hate you immediately not true that's a little true either way i was gonna enter this contest competition never having done comedy never having done stand which there are for people that are listening that uh aren't familiar with philly's funnies there are sometimes people that will do that. They'll enter. Anyone can sign up. It's $25.

Those people usually have a name like Chip Chap the Bing Bang. It's always like a dumb name. I'm on a night, the night I'm up, there's a guy named The Doctor. And I don't want to talk too much shit because the guy might murder.

That's what doctors do. You know what I'm saying? Anyway. That's what it is. But I'm like, this guy's either brand new, is an actual doctor, or was a rapper and a DJ, and he's just trying this. Yeah, well, I hate, I mean, I don't hate it.

You can do whatever you want. But there's a lot of comedians that give themselves names like Native Americans. Like they are like, laughs with the crowd. Tells with jokes. What would your name be if you had to come? So this is, we're beating around the bush. A lot of times when there is

an urban room as everyone will call it but it's like a mostly black show, there will be a flyer with 23 comics on it and a lot of them have amazing nicknames.

Yeah. What would your nickname be? What would my nickname be? Probably like Kisses Gently. Kisses Gently. what would my nickname be probably like kisses gently kisses because it kind of sounds like a kind of sounds like a like a country singer name so I think about this all the time and the one thing I want to do this is 100% corny and I'm pissed off and saying right now but I'm two seltzers in baby here we go I it's like I'm really into running over the last year oh boy i want to have an alter ego named miles chaser i'm gonna kill myself and i do

nothing but running and i know i 100 know it's gonna fail i literally want to do it just so at the end of my set when i get the light i can be like what am i running the light and then walk off i want to do this so bad if you're at the river Mike there's a good chance I'm gonna run by and do this in a tiny tank top and short shorts and it's a hundred percent for me but then I also think you how great is the name miles chaser by the way I mean I also want to make up I want to make a fake YouTube because I watch a lot of YouTube's on like sneaker reviews and stuff for running shoes yeah but I want to make one for miles chaser and I just wanted to be like dog shit running reviews like i went to costco and got a pair of pumas and i reviewed them but under the alias of miles chaser oh my god that is the most

i am a new father thing to call yourself it's the whitest jogger name you can think of sorry that is unbelievable I think that's great and so this is my other fear is I think about that and I'm like what if I do that

and I'm like this will be so stupid and then it takes off and then you become Miles Chaser and then I have to fucking lean in I feel like that's how

Larry because you ever seen like Larry the Cable Guy was Dan Stinson or whatever the fuck his name was if you look it up he was

like in the 80s every comic wore like a button up shirt I think he had a bolo tie on so he was like still kind of southern but like a blazer up he was in the 80's every comic wore a button up shirt I think he had a bolo tie on so he was still kind of southern but like a blazer

and he was just a isn't this a funny thing kind of comic then he found Get Her Done and he has a fucking restaurant

and a private jet so as much as you want to shit on him that guy found the avenue in comedy that was right that's kind of like it depends on what you want to get out him, that guy found the avenue in comedy that was right. That's kind of like...

It depends on what you want to get out of it. Well, like Little Dicky. Yeah. He is Little Dicky, but he talks about it so much in interviews. I actually am a pretty big fan of his. You can tell without saying it, he hates the fact that he made it as Little Dicky. Yeah. He doesn't like that people call him that.

But now you can also tell that... And I get this from just watching... He also doesn't want to be a rapper i don't think like i think he's always which is amazing it's amazing because he is and this is two white guys opinion yeah he's a very good rapper yeah he's a great rapist the guy can you know the guy can hip and hop he could wrap me all day and all night but it's like you've been watching his show dave which is good which is an amazing show shout out there's another sponsor of ours dave on fx yeah we're sponsored by uh dave will touch your children unless they sponsor us sure um yeah but even on dave like i feel like it is very accurate to his attitude where now it's the point where like he hates it but he's also like i'm gonna become the greatest ever do do this with this stupid fucking name.

Yeah. Like, because there was even, like, Eminem had that where, for a while, he wanted to be Marshall Mathers. Like, he realized Eminem is fucking dumb. Yeah. But then nobody gave a shit when he was like, oh, this is Marshall Mathers doing it. Yeah, you got to be. He was like, no, I got to live the part. So I feel like Lil Dicky's doing a great job of, like, yes, I put myself in put myself in this lane where I have to be Lil Dickie.

I can't be Dave. Although I named a show Dave, which is great. But I'm going to be so fucking successful as Lil Dickie that you can't say shit to me. It's crazy. It's crazy. Just the fact that you can be that good at that many things is... Well, the other thing I was thinking about, sorry to cut you off, is I was listening to my run today. Childish Gambino came on the shuffle on my run yeah dude donald glover across the board and

it's almost like he's the epitome of like fucking doubt me yeah go ahead doubt me i'm gonna end up owning you and your family is huge and he says it in his raps like the one was like it was the most i was listening to when i was running and it was literally just like i can't i'm paraphrasing it but it was like what song is it i don't even know it's off of the one that bonfire is on yeah camp and camp so and in it he's like i just think that kids in the hood want something different yeah and he's like and i think i can be that guy yeah now at the same time i have an hbo stand-up special yeah i'm also a very successful actor and actually this is funny so going back to like your where i started loving comedy yeah he was in that derrick comedy group when i was in college that was right when like

right before college humor became a thing oh he was in a group called derrick comedy okay and they did uh they did a short called Bro Rape. And it was about bros luring other bros back to their dorm just to rape them. Okay. It was like 60 minutes. And it had Bobby Moynihan, who went on to be in Saturday Night Live. It had Donald Glover. And then the other two guys are guys that you've seen in every Allstate commercial.

These guys work now. But he went from doing that like he harnessed youtube early youtube fame yeah and then they even made a movie called i think it's a mystery team and it's the three of them are basically 25 years old with like eight year old brains yeah and they go around their town solving mysteries okay yeah fucking incredible it is what you expect it to be and it's amazing yeah so he went from like that to also releasing albums that are some of like in that time frame yes the most grossing albums he's got a couple number one songs like i think redbone hit number one i think and then he does atlanta which if another plug for fx yeah if you want to watch a show that is like you go into it thinking you're getting just comedy that show is a

mind fuck it's Dave but if you threw very serious elements into Dave so it's Louie if you mix Louie and Dave

so like they tackle race another FX show on Atlanta yeah actually which is great if you watch

Atlanta they do every once in a while they'll cut to like a local television show yeah and it's called montague but it's spelled just like my name montag lane there's a there's a weird thing i learned years ago that there is a lot of black people in the south named montague there's a lot of spelling less than peoples you know that why that is oh boy i'm glad you just figured it out just realized apparently our ancestors were all slave owners now matt and i don't own a single not a single one i have a daughter which i guess legally i own her but yeah very white daughter very white yeah yeah anyway

back to it it's me he's making up for the sidetracking atlanta amazing show because it's like they'll do a great funny episode and then they'll do one where they literally I think they go in and they're like hey I don't want this to be funny at all I want this to be weird and I want it to make

people think and at the end you're just like oh god damn it I didn't laugh once during that episode oh yeah there's a couple

that's the impressive shit so first the one part we're talking about jokes I got two of that sorry I'm on a two seltzers in the boy's gonna run run away with it.

Dude, the pot is loose. The juice is loose. I got a show in a half. The garage is flooding. I, you know, who's to say? The penis game. Blow your closest friend. Either way.

There's one thing in Dave where... You've watched the show. The part where the kid dies, like in the... Yeah. His name's John. John. Yeah. And he goes up to

in the beginning of the episode they had like a memorial thing for him at the school and then he goes up to his girlfriend and he goes so sad what happened to John

and she goes yeah it's the horrible one and he's like the police have no leads she was like he wasn't murdered also I just love anytime there's

any Philadelphia reference in a show I geek out so hard. So, like, in Dave, they go back to Philadelphia, and he talks about it a couple times. Every once in a while, I'll be like, I've got to watch the Sixers tonight. I'm like, that's a team I like. Yeah, he has a thing about the Sixers and the Suns as part of his creative process. Exactly.

It's just how I get work done. It goes back to, I remember when Boy Meets World, which Philly-based show. I remember my sister and I were like, we were watching it. I think it was on TGIF. Yeah. Was that around TGIF? The restaurant?

Oh, wow. Okay. So TGIF was Friday nights. It was like Family Matters, Boy Meets World, I want to say. Full House, actually. Full House and maybe Step by Step. Okay. So it was just fucking quality programming after quality programming.

Yeah, that's elite shit. And I remember watching Boy Meets World the one time, and he's wearing a Flyers jersey, the same one I had. It was their orange home jersey. I had mine with my name on the back because I'm very self-centered. And I remember he was wearing it, like, to bed, oddly. And that night, like, my sister and I were watching the show, and I was like, all right, I'm probably going to go put my pajamas on. And I come down in my umbros from soccer and my Flyers jersey. And she was like, you're doing that because Corey Matthews did it.

I'm like, oh, was he? I don't even know. Was he wearing a Flyers jersey? Is this show setting for me? And I still do that now. Like, if anything is referenced, my wife will call me on it. Like, I try it. Like, so the whole thing, like, you never wear the shirt of the band that you're going to see.

Oh, I didn't know that was a thing. I thought it was, like, white after, you can't wear white after Girls. Yeah, it's white after Labor Day and you never wear the, like, you can't go to a Metallica show wearing a Metallica shirt. It looks like you bought it day of. Ew. See, these are the things that go into it. But what I would do is, like, wear the shirt of the band that they toured with most recently. But what I would do was like wear the shirt of the band that they toured with most recently.

And in my mind when I was an 18, 19-year-old and sometimes still now, kid is I'm going to walk by in that shirt. And they're going to be like, no way. You're a Glassjaw fan? We know them. Do you want to join us in this band? Yeah. I still have those visions of like one day. Even like now it's in comedy that like I'm going to have an okay set somewhere.

Yeah. Someone's going to see it and be like, do you want to leave your wife and daughter and just come tour the country for six years and i'm like stephano's gonna be like i've never seen anything quite like your talent christmas stephano's gonna come up to you and be like i'm pretty sure we have the same material i think you're doing an impression of me and i'm but it's good enough that i want you to open for me do you want to play the penis game? Yeah. So, I had something I was talking about. What were we talking about? Sorry, I'll stop getting off tangents.

No, I think the tangents are good. We're potting so fucking hard. Philly shows, Dave. Dave. I used to live near where Dave is from. Fun fact. Northeast Philly. He lives in Cheltenham. So, that's an area, too, where it's like, Northeast Philly.

I feel like people love throwing the Northeast. Northeast. They love throwing that around because North and Philly are feel like people love throwing the Northeast they love throwing that around because North and Philly are in it and they want you to be like

oh my god you live in like Kenzo and like the bad areas you're like well I live near yeah I live

near a rural airport and it's not a great area it's not terrible but it's like I always feel like people are like yeah I'm Northeast Philly yeah the area

I lived in when you hear Northeast Philly because there is kind of a rougher area around, and then there's trashy white people. So the area I lived in, I could describe as probably nobody there is vaccinated. It's Fox Chase, right? Is that the name of the area? You can't live in a place that sounds like a really good neighborhood.

But also, Strawberry Mansion sounds like a beautiful place. and then you get shot in the face when you go like i don't know if i'm coming back unless you're meek mill you get shot in the face there i think even he probably has to be careful but yeah i mean uh yeah so everybody there is probably unvaccinated and was probably pretty bummed out in november so that's that's the jurisdiction i was working with back there so i guess that's what dave was working with back there. So I guess that's what Dave was under the table. It's interesting too like that area is

definitely where like white people were like we need to get out of the city but not too far. I still need to be able to get a roast beef.

I still need that Philly city wage tax because it's what it is. I need to be able to go get a cheesesteak and a roast beef at any

moment. I don't think there's any. Well there's one on the Rosebud Boulevard. There's a. John's roast beef

is out there. That might be it. This is just sandwich talk which actually I'll say this Philly come fucking see us in New Jersey

we got Donkey's Place before he offed himself what's his name old Anthony Bourdain gave Donkey's Place in Camden, New Jersey the stamp of

the greatest Philly cheesesteak so fucking come see us Philly that's a mile and a half from here yeah they do it on a kaiser roll it's weird but it's delicious yeah have you had one no i haven't oh we're going next time we record we'll go afterwards just bring a bulletproof vest

okay fair yeah there's bullet holes in the sun we'll make a day we'll go to the aquarium afterward no it's before the aquarium oh boy yeah you're gonna get dicey there i get dicey there. I like it, though. I ran through that area. I actually rode my bike. If you're looking right next to you, I have an electric blue. Oh, is that when you went on the bridge? I did. And it was a beautiful. So I had a me day.

I had a. Two years ago, I had. In between jobs, I had a month where. Yeah. It was the greatest finagling ever. I had a month where, like, my old job had to keep paying me. And my new job had to give me benefits so it was weird i had in august where it was just i had nothing to do yeah and it was a guaranteed i'm starting this job september 1st yeah and i felt bad because like every day i'd

wake up and have to be like my wife's like what are you getting into today i'm like you want to ride my bike over the bridge i'm not gonna start drinking until 5 so cut to me going to Philly in my electric brew Huffy Cranbrook beach cruiser riding it around the streets of Philadelphia with what I can call the greatest

day drinking buzz ever by myself I don't want to call any of my friends that live in the city this is a me day I rode the bike back over the bridge By myself. It's so funny. I was like, I don't want to call any of my friends that live in the city. This is a me day. I love that shit. I rode the bike back over the bridge. Ben Franklin Bridge. Shout out Benny Franks.

Benny Franks. I got halfway. I took a picture. It was beautiful. I think I posted it online. I was like, hey. I saw it. I got posted.

We made that sunset. Matt hates sunsets. We'll get into that another time. We'll talk about that. Yeah. I got onto the other side of the bridge and I was like, oh, I have to ride my bike through Camden now. And for those of you who aren't familiar, which most people listening probably know

what Camden is. Yeah. I rode through there, and I wrote a bit about this because it happened, and I did it once, but I was riding through there, and a guy stepped out of his house, packing a pack of cigarettes on his hand. You can guess his race off of this accent I'm about to do. It said, look at this Lance Armstrong motherfucker on a beach cruiser. look at this Lance Armstrong motherfucker on a beach cruiser and he only said that because the scared white kid that I am at 35 years old rode a beach cruiser faster than anyone has ever

rode a beach cruiser uphill past donkey's place yeah so yeah there's that I saw a weave that was stuck in the uh hook of a uh the handle that goes on an umbrella yeah and i just pieced together the greatest story in my head okay let's see there was there was a brutal fight and i imagine it had just rained yeah because umbrellas were handy okay and there was somebody with a very fresh weave that just caught an umbrella hook to the side of her head yeah so hard that it pulled the weave out and broke the umbrella handle hook off. Okay. That was what I pieced together on that bike ride through there.

I think that's pretty cool. I think I'm going to write a pilot about it. I think you should, and I think it's funny to think that your name is John Montag and you're riding a Huffy Cranbrook, and there's an alter ego that you have that's Miles Chaser. Miles Chaser. And those sound like the three whitest guys. Huffy Cranbrook, Miles Chaser, and John Montag.

I'm just kind of leaning into it. Huffy Cranbrook is a great name. You guys sound like three attorneys in Texas in like 1944. Huffy Cranbrook is like a kid you grew up with. Yeah. And you're like, oh my God, is Huffy Cranbrook still alive? And they're like, no. And you're like, why'd he get that name?

You're like, well, he used to huff paint all the time. It's not his real name. His real name is derek i will say that this particular beach cruiser if you live in the town i live in you're a star if you ride it because it's like a very it's a leisure town it's almost like where i live it's if you had a shore town not down the shore there's a very vacation vibe in this town on weekends this summer yeah so i ride around here as can see, I got a cup holder built into the handlebar. You guys wouldn't get it. This is luxury. I got lights on it because I get drunk and ride it at night.

Uh-huh. And I don't want to die because this town also doesn't have streetlights. Found that out. Yeah, they're working on it. I rode right into a pothole like the day I bought a bike. 19 fucking artisan shops but can't have one streetlight. Right. Yeah.

There's 43 Italian restaurants that are BYOB that if you ask the owner, they all have a connection to mobster Joey Merlino. Shout out. To the point where one is called Kitchen Consiglieri. Is that a nailed it thing? So do you know what a consiglieri is? I don't know. If you've seen, so if you watch Godfather, the consiglieri, I believe, is the legal counsel to the head of the mob. Okay.

Doesn't have to be Italian also because I'm pretty sure any movie files watching this will be mad. I can't remember who plays it in The Godfather, but he's just like an Irish guy. But they let him in because he's good with numbers. Is it Robert De Niro? No, is it Duvall? Robert Duvall, maybe? I don't know. I'll look it up afterwards.

I'll put it in post. But, kitchen consigliere, this guy claims that he was the... It's so... Just real quick. It's so funny that it's infuriating to say a word correctly. Right, and no, it's funny.

So, some people come to this town and they're like, I want to go to that kitchen and they mumble that part. Dude, say it as a fucking local shitty white guy you call it kitchen consigliere kitch con can you imagine a red-headed pale guy comes up to you and says consigliere i immediately grow a clit right then there's weird italians though that are gingers i'll say that yeah but that's because like their hot mom was a ginger and their dad's name is like

they visited ireland once yeah yeah you don't you're not one of us. Dude, if you're Italian and you're a ginger, you're not a ginger. You're a terrorist. You are. No, that seems like a bold claim. Also, most Irish people are terrorists. Well, we got into it a little bit back during the... I mean, when your main export is spuds, you probably can do what it takes to get a hit.

But yeah, that place fucking rips. So it's a great place, but now I'll paint a picture for you. Now that you know, so the owner of that, if you look when you go in there, there's a newspaper article on the wall. Yeah. And I think it's about when either he went to jail or Joey Merlino, who, Joey Merlino was the mob boss in Philly for years. And this guy, I guess, was Joey Merlino's like private chef.

Yeah. and this guy, I guess, was Joey Merlino's private chef. Yeah. And I think he either went away or the story goes, from what I've been told secondhand from nine people in my town, the story goes that he went away for not snitching. He didn't snitch. And his payment when he got out was enough money to open this restaurant. That's fucking cool.

Now, if you think about, do you know what all the waiters wear there? Can you picture the waiter coming up to your table and they say, Yay, welcome to Kikita Siglieri. We got a deal on pasta tonight. Isn't it a white button-down and black pants? No, they wear a vest and a fucking fedora. All of the servers there wear a fedora. And then when you piece it all together, you're like,

Oh, he just was like, I'm going to lean so hard into this. Well, the whole thing's mafia themed. There's all the pictures. The bathroom is like a gunshot guy so it's either this guy is the most bad shout out kitchen consider yeah you can sponsor us yeah he's either the most badass person that was like i did my time i'm gonna give a total fuck you to the system i think i saw the owner there every time i see a guy in a restaurant with a laptop yeah but he told you you didn't see me here you just see yeah he walked told you you didn't see me here you didn't see me yeah

he walked up he walks up to every table yo you didn't see me here but I was at a catch a toy yeah right yeah how's it good it's good for your kids how's the kids doing

good good to see you but so he yeah it's either the guy is the most like fuck you badass ever and he the story's true

yeah and he was like I did my time double jeopardy can't be tried twice for the same crime I'm gonna open a place that's called Mob Hit that's incredible that name was taken so he was like I did my time Double Jeopardy can't be tried twice for the same crime I'm going to open a place that's called

Mob Hit that's incredible that name was taken so he's like I'm guilty which great gnocchi by the way you know this guy

nailed the gnocchi I can pronounce gnocchi I'll pronounce gnocchi correct because that's my favorite Italian food are you the guy that will like when you pronounce stuff

like I'm going to España no I'm not that guy I'm the exact opposite but with food I will oh my god because whenever I'm going to España. No, I'm not that guy. I'm the exact opposite of that guy. But with food, I will. Oh, my God.

Because whenever I'm at those restaurants... Dude, you know, if you say that, if you pronounce it like that, now you're Huffy Cranbrook. That's who you have to be. That's my alter ego. When I go to Italian restaurants and I order, a cacciatore. Huffy Cran's, yeah. But I hang on, Huffy Cran's. I'm like, oh, my God, this guy's connected.

You don't have a name like Huffy Cranbrook and either you dine at 13 ofing like liquid yeah cement or you like stole your dad's car right crash a huffy cranbrook i remember when he he stole two people's dad's cars and drove them into each other at the same time he would hop out of the other car grab the other one and that's a huffy cranbrook story or you were connected and they're like nah i used to kill kids and that's how he yeah hope you're so aware all right alright I also didn't so when I got this bike there was a Huffy sticker on it and I razor bladed it off

because I wanted to look way cooler oh I thought you were going to say like razor scooter yeah no can't be that cool

another razor scooter on it so I'll get back to it we were talking about Memorial Day weekend you didn't do anything I had a show you had a show I did a conference

I was I heard you kill from the accounts of everyone that was there. Went okay. All right. I will say. Is that thing happening? We got 15 minutes left.

That's a 15-minute warning on that. Oh, shit. That's crazy. Yeah, we're cheap. We're on the free app. $6,000. I will say, from everyone that was there, they said Matt did his thing and killed crowd work. But it was a weird Memorial Day weekend, rainy, cold show.

Yeah, it was creepy. It was one of those shows where you rainy cold show it was like a like it was one of those shows where you start the show and the host goes up and they go who here knew there was a show happening oh 97% of the restaurant is like so upset with you that's when you get a lot of people that respond with a raised hand in the air like they don't I love when you ask me a rhetorical question in comedy and people raise their hand yeah and you're like all right yeah you don't get this so then you have to preface it with like, by a round of applause, who here has ever driven a Volvo?

Yeah, yeah, it's awful. Oh, God. It's so bad. But so, oh, boy. Something's getting loose out there. John's daughter's running away from home. Yeah. Yeah, so we did the show, and we started it out, and everybody was like having a hard

time, because it was horrible circumstances circumstances where you're off to the side we had like a small little sound system that sounded like it's like the sound system that sounds like shit when you turn it up yeah

it's just like that was a great impression and so that was your opener that's how I started yeah you just appear a whale die but yeah

so you know people went up and did well for the circumstances and I kind of like dude I'm such a piece of shit I really am you know, people went up and did well for the circumstances. And I kind of like, dude, I'm such a piece of shit. I really am because I, before I went up, this is going to be infuriating, especially people who know me as comics.

Just know that I hate myself. Before I went up, I was like, I've got to try and see if I can grab this show by the balls like Eddie Murphy would. And that's what Creel thought out of my head. So you went up with a leather jacket and streamed the N-word? Yeah, yeah. But in my head, I was like, you know, people say like Freddie would just turn a shit. And I was like, you try to be that guy.

You're calling him Freddie, but yeah. Yeah, well, him and I know each other very well. I'm actually talking about Freddie Mercury. They do call you the Freddie Mercury of comedy. Yeah, Freddie Murphy, yeah. Have I been calling him Freddie Murphy this whole time? Or did I say Eddie? You originally said Eddie, and then you said,

I'm going to go up and do a Freddie does. I'm going to do a Freddie does. Sorry, I'm on ayahuasca right now. Yeah. So, yeah, I went there, and I was like, I kind of, the realistic view was like, I'm either going to go up there and bomb, just because, you know, the circumstances suck, or I was like, I'm either going to go up there and bomb just because, you know, the circumstances suck or I was like,

I go try something bold and it might work, it probably won't and then I'll still bomb. But the reality is you're probably going to bomb regardless. So I went up there,

I grabbed the fucking speaker and I put it on the, well at first I came up and I said, this show fucking sucks, huh? Like to the audience because you gotta like,

the comedians were all great, they're all very fine. You gotta play with everyone's thinking. Yeah, exactly. It's gotta be, they gotta like change comedians were all great you gotta point out what everyone's thinking yeah exactly it's gotta be it's a truth it's a guerrilla

bombardment show where no one knew comedy was happening yeah the comics are all good but the circumstances suck so you go up there and you acknowledge

on a holiday weekend exactly so I just took the speaker I put her on the ledge I was like can you fucking people hear me in the back now and they're like

yeah we're leaving and then also the guy told us we had to be PG-13 so I started the show by saying this show fucking sucks

and then I was like is the owner still here and they were like nah and I was like that fucking guy said to go PG-13 fuck that

and everybody was like ooh because now you got him like I'm the guy who's breaking the rules was there like families there initially they got walked pretty quickly

nice but yeah it worked out it was out it was good it was fun get a nice little chunk of change but you gotta think like so if someone says PG 13 I'm thinking of all the movies that I'm guessing or PG 13 like yeah I'm guessing like stepbrothers is maybe a PG 13 movie it's probably R but like I think what in comedy when I mean that's was it R means you say

retard in it right is that R is yeah that's what R stands for, is retard, yeah. Like, was it you I was talking about when, like, people have different versions of what they mean when they say PG-13 or R? I don't think so. I was talking to somebody, and it was kind of funny, because they were like,

I hate when bookers will say, like, no, like, just keep it PG-13. And, like, you don't know what that means to them. Right. Because PG-13, to me... You gotta be specific. Yeah, especially because, like, the means to them because PG-13 to me you gotta be specific yeah especially because like the shit

you've seen like some of you be like oh this is a very tame show and you're like that guy almost pulled his dick out yeah it definitely varies but to me PG-13

is like no like over the top sex stuff right I think you can say fuck I think you can say like that kind of stuff okay yeah

because there is levels like I so I recently emailed a booker and was like hey I would love to try to get on anything you guys are doing. And they said, can you send out a clean Tonight Show ready, not blue set?

And I was like, those are three things where I think my set, it touches enough tricky, risque subjects that you could say it's that. But if I just take fuck out of my jokes, which usually it's not written in there anyway, it's just me being a nervous idiot. Yeah, yeah. I say it instead of saying um. Yeah. I think I could do a clean set.

Oh, I think you definitely could. I got to take out the material. Like, thinking about your five minutes from Philly's Fondest last year, or I guess two years ago, is you could definitely just take out a couple different ones. Right. And I've tried a couple times. That's funny, too.

Like, I've tried a few times to try more, not risque, but, like, darker material. And I think because that's not me in real life. Yeah. It doesn't come across as anything. I know I listen to a lot of Nate Borgazzi stuff between, like, his podcasts and his specials. Nate Borgazzi is one of my favorite comics, and he's as clean as you can be. I mean, you could bring a 12-year-old kid to a Nate Borgatzi show and not have to, on the way home, explain anything. He's so good at being clean that at the end you're like, I didn't even realize he didn't curse.

Right. And it's not until someone says, oh, he only works clean. Yeah. And he always talks about it. He's like, I just did it because it got me more work. yeah he could have been the guy that was like hey what's it like when you're fingering your cousin like yeah yeah yeah he also for some reason an old italian guy but like he always talks about where he's like it's not that hard he's like you just have to sit down and look at your material and it's funny because a lot of the material i'm writing now is

about being a dad so I try not to write like anything blue or risque about it because there's too many people that are like I had a kid like fine I almost just said

my own joke hope it's not mine but what I'll do is like put it on somebody else it's not me thinking I put it on someone else

in the story of the joke now I'm thinking about this is total horseshit we're just stroking our own egos back to your show at the memorial day weekend yeah so it was all right it was not bad and then what else did we do this week we were at uh the uh what is it soul joels or no i wasn't there why did i say that i'm headlining this show no no oh all right i'm going last in time matt's finding out now that hey we're gonna put you at the end. We're going to put you when most people have already closed out their town.

I'm such a piece of shit in that in my head I'm wrestling whether that's a compliment or if it's a bad thing. And I'm going to go with bad thing. Oh, but what's funny, too, is like last night at the mic we were at, shout out Tony Perlante, Cross Keys mic. I emailed him yesterday and was like, hey, I'm going to come out tonight. So he put me last, rightfully so. But then when I looked at it i was like that just means i can say whatever i want yeah and i did i went up and told a 90 year old lady she's gonna die soon which that is something when i said i was like it's that's not something i

ever do yeah but it got the biggest laugh in my set and i'm like maybe i am just a piece of shit nice so then you just throw stuff out you're in the moment we're living it we're living i don't you know that tape of that table of ladies sitting there you just gotta stuff out. You're in the moment. We're living it. We're living it. You know, that table of ladies sitting there, you just got to go and talk to them. Right. And make them feel like you're talking to them, but also make sure everybody knows you're making fun of them. Yeah, that's a good note to any, like, comic. If you're at a show and something's weird, don't avoid it or tiptoe around it.

Like, make your, if you're good enough to like shift gears make your set about that table that's being annoying i don't think a lot of people are comfortable doing which it's i mean you shouldn't be early on in open mics like you're i think you're advancing the the comfort level of crowd work like i'm always kind of i'm only a year and a half maybe two years more in the economy than you yeah and i get like envious of seeing you do crowd work to the point now where i'm like i want to try more crowd work and last night i did and i had a really fun time a lot of fun it really is and it's being in the moment and just having fun with it comes out so much funnier than like are you from around here i'm from around here here's a joke about this town right like yeah it's much less

uh what's the word contrived yeah like it's like so we were at the show last night well not show it was an open one but uh it's it feels showy like the way it's a decent amount of non-comics there's an elevated stage so there's an elevated stage and that's all ticks and we have tony parlante's name behind us on a big poster that he paid for out of pocket um so there was a table of uh talkative older women and they were talking throughout everybody's sets just like kind of very blatantly rude um it's kind of funny like these guys that are regulars there were sitting at the table kind of like looking at them like could you guys shut up and they're the guys that you think like would want to bust your balls they're actually great dudes so shout out to them our other sponsors uh those guys at the bar those

guys yeah they kind of are there was a reason to do it that sounded so much more deep than i meant Shout out to them, our other sponsors. Those guys at the bar. Those guys, yeah. They kind of are. They give us a reason to do it. That sounded so much more deep than I meant it. They're the reason we do comedy. Anyway, I digress. There's a table full of women that were talking the entire time, and it felt like some people wanted to try to address it,

but then it felt like they were kind of like dipping their toe in, which made it more awkward, as opposed to just being like taking a dive and just like it's weird when you go up and you're like what are you guys doing and they're like nothing you're like oh okay and then you just like try to go into material because you thought that attempt would work and it didn't yeah i think that was just people taking a plunge and just going and talking and it's and like as a comic you're gonna get laughs just because you're the one talking to them. You don't have to be that funny. You just are going to get laughs because you're the one talking.

You're the one addressing. That's why it's fun if you hit multiple rooms as an open mic comic. So that's why, and we'll hopefully be coming back soon, High Note Humor at Tap Room in Haddon Township. I'm saying July, baby. So it's fun there because that's the room where we know if we're hosting, you can try a bunch of stuff. But it's nice.

You had a lot of open mics during the week, so it's like you can have that night like last night where you might have had like 10 things you wanted to do new in that five minutes. But you just know that there's this table of ants, aunties, if you will, just being louder than the rest of the crowd yeah and you're like i could go up here and do these new jokes that i want to do that i need to work on so i'm gonna get them better but they're gonna fall flat and my set's gonna suffer like a lot of people last night were just like well this was painful yeah you're like

yeah because you didn't shift gears and that you need to be able to shift gears because it's like any room you're gonna do yeah whether it's a club, a bar, any produced show, you might not go in with your type of crowd. You need to be able to shift gears to that. I'm going up tomorrow to Harrisburg, I was telling you, and it's at a fire hall, the first show I'm at, which is going to be very white. The second show is in a backyard in Harrisburg, like a birthday show yeah and i think i might be one of two white comics on there on the show it's gonna be sick so it's gonna be fun but it's like i need

to shift gears i can't go in there and talk about pickup trucks and like country music at that second show you know maybe i could and they would get it but it's like i need to shift gears i need to code shift i gotta start you know i'm gonna go scream yet. Yeah, boy, there it is. But it's like, yeah, you need to be able to be fluid with it. But that comes with time, too. And it comes with going out there and bombing a whole bunch. Yeah, dude. Because, I mean, I've seen you kill with crowd work.

I've also seen you bomb with crowd work. But it's like you have to take your lumps. It's like anything. I'll tell you, like the crowd work is a skill I do have some level of more naturally inclined doing it

I feel more comfortable doing it but I did have to get better at it I did have to find little stuff to pepper it in to make sets work

very honestly I started doing crowd work more to avoid bombing so if a joke doesn't work instead of being like well that, that sucked, which I hate when people do that in stand-up.

And then, there's people who do that. It's tough, though, because in the moment confidence is a really, I've been thinking about that a lot recently. Like, we only have a couple minutes left here because we're cheap, and we have the free versions of that. But I think, like, in the moment confidence is what makes a good stand-up become great. Yeah. Because every stand-up, after they have their set is always like that was terrible yeah i gotta go back and listen to that i gotta rewrite that but it's like if you don't show that in the moment you can and i think

you have great in the moment confidence where it's all fake baby it is it's fake until you make it type scenario like we're talking about cliches earlier but in the moment confidence is a stand-up like eat sit in the pocket yeah and there's another sales cliche yeah get comfortable being uncomfortable that's true it's the biggest thing i can say again if there's anyone listening to this that is new to stand up wants to do it if you have something you want to try yeah you think it might be uncomfortable you're not gonna know until you try it yeah like i said last night i told a 90 year old woman she's gonna die soon yeah and she laughed harder than anyone else there yeah so it's like i was very nervous about something like that i'm like saying a prayer to my mom-moms in heaven and i'm like sorry if this you know bombs but and then after it's like

told you nanny i had that one like yeah i think it's just try it try it try it try it in multiple rooms try it multiple times yeah eventually you might scrap it or it might become a tagline on a joke yeah later on which most of your material early on end up becoming just a little aside on a better joke later exactly yeah exactly if you're still telling the same joke from your first open mic and you're a year in that's unbelievable you just need to revamp it. You need to scrap it and now go back to it. Like, I still go back

to my notes or like my recordings from the first week I did stand up. And I'm like, all right, well, that got a laugh. Like, where can that go

in a joke that will work? And we're up against it. We got a minute here. So we'll wrap up. Episode two of Handsome Idiots. There it is, baby.

We might have a theme song coming up too so now we're going to talk about that afterwards i'm actually pretty excited about that so tune in after this one to see if we have a theme song teaser baby hey tease them