That Rules Podcast - Episode #20: Optical Narcissism

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

Matt wants glasses so bad, but he will settle for braces and a cast.

🎵 Ladies and gentlemen, you've reached the beginning of the road. Here we go. Twist it up on you. Serve it on a plate. Episode 20. We made it. 20 goddamn episodes. They said we wouldn't make it past three i remember when they said that they did what did you say back to them well no us saying

they is actually us being very woke because it was a person that identifies as they but biologically as a man but yeah and what they didn't know was this is our 20th final episode of handsome idiots podcast well i think what they they were like, you'll make it to 19, but there's no way in Sam Halen that you're going to make it to 20. Sam Halen? And you know I don't like to use strong language like that. You said Sam Halen like it was Van Halen's nephew. Sam Halen

is Van Halen's nephew who was really good at the saxophone when he was like 12 to 15 and then kind of bailed off music and got really into Minecraft. And they were like, there's got to be something we can do with you in the Van halen world tour and he was like i don't know how how about i hit you with this little look how fast i can do a rubik's cube and it's like shut up dude bro yo if you ever completed a rubik's cube you're gonna be a bad parent i think rubik's cube should just be the test on if you're autistic that's really good like they just

leave you in a room with a mixed up rubik's cube and they're like just wait and like the bar is set where it's like if he acknowledges it within two minutes yeah maybe if he solves it within four we got a kid on another level if he just peels all the stickers off and rearranges them we're like nope he's just got ad he is just yeah that's how you can find out the savantism. Because he's not going to want to go. Savantism actually played cornerback for the Jets last year. His name is savantism? Yeah.

He's good, dude. He looks incredible this year. Savantism. I remember, where did he go? USC? Dude, I saw savantism. And his pregame ritual was to do four puzzles of mountain ranges. He would just light those bitches up.

And it was tough because the mountains were all the same height so you couldn't tell them the pieces. Also, fuck a puzzle. I've actually been talking about this recently. I hate puzzles more than the Holocaust. That feels strong. I hate the Holocaust a ton.

I hate it so bad. But I do hate puzzles a lot. What about a puzzle of the Holocaust a ton. Hate it so bad, dude. I hate it. But I do hate puzzles a lot. What about a puzzle of the Holocaust? Dude, my blood is boiling. It's just a bunch of tiny shoes. That would be a hard puzzle. Oh, jeez. That would be a very difficult puzzle.

Yeah, emotionally. You'd be, like, getting halfway through and you're, like, finish the job. I remember. I mean, that's, like, back in the day shit where, like, for some reason we always did puzzles down the shore on, like, a rainy day. Because there was nothing there was down the shore especially when we would rent a house there was like three channels because the you know the person didn't spring for uh cable and like i remember parents just being like we're not gonna go spend money on you spend all money on this fucking shore house we're gonna get hammered and you guys are gonna do a puzzle

of koi fish isn't that crazy that that your parents got to go drink beer like drinking getting hammered down the shore on a rainy day is a gorgeous oh it's the greatest thing ever like you can pop out on the balcony i always prefer like if you're gonna be down for a week give me one to two rainy days in the mix there it's gonna sweeten the deal it's gonna make you appreciate the beach more yeah but it's gonna make you oh crack a nice beverage the time i was the last time i went down with my parents in wildwood i went down during the hurricane oh yeah i was out there with like 80 mile an hour winds and it was when i was like this is the life and if you guys were wondering yeah did we just cut in audio of a storm no that was just that noise they call them the noise machine ladies and gentlemen dude a lot of people recently have been calling me savantism in terms

of noise savantism savant savant noise well recently have been calling me savantism in terms of noise savantism savant savant noise well they've been calling you that because you're wearing glasses and for what purpose dude this is look you're the i can't believe you joke about people's disabilities free free no here no first off you're stealing valor from the poorly opticalized oh shut up dude if you wear glasses look dude bro Dude, bro, look better. See it. I will say, I throw some glasses on. People don't even know who I am because I look like a smart version of me. I look like.

Nah, dude. So I realize it's the opposite. Like, I'm Stefan Urkel. When I put my glasses on, I step back into the transformation machine. Wait, you're who? Transformation machine. Oh, you don't know Family Matters? Is that before your time?

Is that the one with Urkel? Yeah. So Urkel had a time machine or a special machine he built where he would go into steve urkel and it was a cool machine he would come out as stefan or kell which was basically just they took his glasses off him and put him in newer clothes yeah yeah so i'm the reverse of that i'm already i'm jeffon or kell over here john fawn oh john fawn or kell john and i step in i turn back into steve dude people just think i'm a smart twin how about this no you don't look like that i've seen you wear glasses bro you know what i think i think dude he's he's running out of time on this earth he's running out of

context usually why have you always worn glasses since like uh fourth or fifth grade oh wow yeah i my teacher like sent a note home to my parents was like john's either retarded or has bad vision like we put him in the front of the room and he still squints and is like licking his lips as he's trying to read the board your parents were looking for like the both box when they asked you that like maybe he's just retarded with bad eyes i don't know dude retard eyes yeah so i got glasses and it was funny because it was like i remember like i didn't i got bad eyes i don't know dude retard eyes yeah so i got glasses and it was funny because it was like i remember like i didn't i got glasses and i had to wait for contacts to come in so putting the glasses on i was like oh my god this is what life looks like

like i was just seeing blurs and like my vision's very bad if i take my contacts out i wouldn't be able to read like that can right there i know it's a white claw because you know within me not that we're drinking white clothes i can no i can just always sense when there's one within 30 to 40 feet of me it's like a sonar that's your whitey sense yes it's a white sonar my whitey scent my spidey senses um but i remember i was like i'm wearing these glasses to baseball and i was a catcher and first like inning i could pull the mask off and not thinking like oh yeah the glasses are gonna go with it and oh it's they went flying no my glasses are on my face the mask just took the glasses with them got it and i'm looking for a fly ball and it dropped right in front of me so yeah i've been i've been contacting glasses since i was in how old are you in fourth and fifth grade

well you were like 20 i was 23 and it was probably one of the better years i'd had dude i sort of got every day at 10 o'clock, snacks. She would come around, put animal crackers on our napkins. And I was one of the bigger kids, so I had to sit in one of the big boy desks. But I never felt any different. Nobody ever singled me out. I didn't belong, and it was a really good experience. I went to an inner-city school in the middle of Philadelphia.

I was the only white kid in my class, and I was the only 24-year-old kid in my class. But it's a great experience that I would never trade for the world. But I am here with my host john monte what just happened we did it dude we did it up we lived it up we lived it down this is actually a kind of a question i just thought of now that might be fun so here so we're we have an age difference right you're 40 well 43 and a half 43 and a half. 43 and a half. And two-thirds. You're 35. 35. I'm 25.

Some would say a decade age difference. So, like, I don't know how to broach this. Maybe we can cut this pup out. It's not really bad. So, you know how, like, people started saying, like, retarded is a bad word? Yeah. Like, people still, you know, sometimes we throw it out there every once in a while yeah so like when you found that out you were like late like almost 20 no but it goes the people

hating the r word as we'll call it goes in waves because like i remember the 90s they're making a big deal out of it and then it like faded off and then black ips came out with a song where they literally just sang let's get retarded in here in here baby and everyone was cool that they were like top 20 on the charts let's go fergie said it we're good if you could sing it i think fergie would be allowed to say the n-word at this point she hung out with enough black guys like in the black ips i mean black it sounds like black guy peas anyway the guys in that band i have no idea what what ethnicity one's asian right and i think he was the blackest of them all i know will i am

black i know furries apple the app is black i believe who's the dude with the law michael jackson looking fella that's the asian fella you know he's asian but i think his name was savant or tell well he's is he asian or filipino or is that a filipino's probably asian he's asian i don't know well either way but yeah well yeah so they sang a song about it and everyone was cool with it for a while like you still couldn't like if you called somebody in school that i don't know why i'm saying that i already said it you just called somebody in school retarded you were getting in trouble yeah but like you could just say like oh this is retarded or i don't know and then now it came back

but i feel like it's on another upswing of being allowed to say it almost yes i think i think we need the black ips to come back and be like 2022 remix it's getting gay the black ips are just they're the ones i think we need we do need to come back and we need fergie to say the n-word and then everyone's allowed to say it black eyed peas are the arbiters of what words you can and can't say the hard arbiters oh man i'm trying to think of a pun for black eyed peas that would relate to that but it's tough black guys sneeze i don't know i feel like when a black guy sneeze they say the n-word now think about that listener we're not going to do it we're not

going to be the ones to say it'll try but in your car sneeze and say the n-word right now i guarantee you're going to giggle oh my lord and look you're under no obligation to say it but we strongly encourage you to try yes send in actually send us in clips of you saying it while sneezing we'll send it to your employers if you say it in a sneeze it's just like Tourette's uh is it I don't know I've never you ever seen anyone with Tourette's like in person like the the cursing Tourette's no I've seen like the face ticks and stuff and like the people are just like wait how are they that's a funky beat yeah it's i think that's actually a black eyed pea song just funk the beat right i think that's a and at the end of this song at the end of this episode you can listen to matt's freestyle dude i ripped it up we do a sound check every time and it's

usually us just talking about nonsense matt decided to take another angle i think he's got a new career ahead of him dude if you saw my face and haircut which many of you are which everyone listening has seen has seen you know that when i was 2021 in college getting back from a party getting back to my apartment with like five six people you know we put on a freestyle rap beat and we'd go in a circle and we would just dude i don't want to light it up like a christmas tree but good god was it december when we were there was definitely n words thrown around there no i i would be honest with you dude nobody hears this i promise you we kept it white boy centric great those are uh acorns falling on my roof that's kind of beautiful we're back in the garage beautiful we're back in the garage too we're back in the origin of it all we're in the gary where we're uh we got the car running

we're gonna get some exhaust fumes in here and we're gonna end it we're gonna figure you know what we've had a good run we always say we're into the podcast i'll do you one better i'll end my fucking life on the actually no you know i don't want to i told you i had topics and i'll throw one at you now all right i don't want to end it now because by the way i think this is like a groundbreaking event it makes sense for episode 20 this is like a big episode topical 20 topical 20 we've never done topics so the first one is uh 3 a.m waffles but life is still good what let me explain that one so the other night i was just up at 3 a.m because i couldn't sleep eating waffles and i thought to myself i was like it's so funny because probably

15 years ago there was a lot of times i was up at 3 a.m eating breakfast cereal and i thought to myself i was like it's so funny because probably 15 years ago there was a lot of times i was up at 3 a.m eating breakfast cereal and it was because life's not going good yeah it was like i was violently hammered or like fired from a job and i was like i need to just eat cereal at 3 a.m and then go about my day no i just like woke up to celebrate my life's going all right and i was like you know what would really be the cherry on top here some fucking waffles what kind of waffles you thought you made them or they're not standard i goes i mean but don't downplay it no i will not i goes are great i found out that babies like eating frozen i goes they look like serial killers and they're eating them that's terrifying because

they're just like they just like snarl at you like it's like it's like someone that would just take a oatmeal pack and just pour it into their mouth uncooked i would never do that i know but i'm a serial killer i used to do it on viva laban and it looked like vomit i'm gonna kill this fly one fly in this in this garage so you were eating waffles at three o'clock just and just thinking to myself i was like you know what life's going pretty good i was gonna say you're eating waffles at three o'clock in the morning your beautiful baby's upstairs sleeping your wife happily marries upstairs you're in a nice house nice area yeah you're just like i'm hungry at 3 a.m i'm gonna eat i was like daddy's doing all right it's actually pretty it was like a moment where i was just like i don't know i i've

been thinking a lot just like daughter just turned one like it's a you know a milestone everything i'm like where am i in life am i happy and i was like i took a moment and like reflected for a second i was like oh i'm very fucking happy where i'm at right now like things are comfortable very comfortable even if like like financially they're not great but it's like things are very comfortable and i just want to celebrate that and normally i would have been like i celebrate this with like bourbon or a beer or something i was like i'm gonna celebrate it with some fucking waffles i think that's even better i think because then you don't you're not you're not you know the alcohol might kind of like numb you to how much you're liking it waffles i think enhance it and i even this is most adult

thing ever i went with like a light syrup drizzle yeah i didn't even go heavy on the syrup and i just enjoyed the buttery goodness of the waffle dude you're like i gave myself i was i was looking at the waffle i was like man waffle is a lot like life it's just grids of how you want i'm trying to make this feel soft the crispiness is how things are good things can get rocky and the light drizzle is the introduction of my wife it is it's like life it's like some it's like the some parts of a waffle are cooked perfect some aren't cooked enough but it's like those are the parts i need to work on it's still awful oh my god is this beautiful dude rob cody tried throwing out a mediocre life well lived and we just topped it with waffle talk so rob cody welcome to waffles you are on notice as they say

yeah dude i like that i like a 3 a.m waffle i'll tell you this i actually while you were saying that thought of something about myself this would be a good whenever i go back to college and i'm going to orientation again and they have you go around in a circle on the first day and you say a fun fact about yourself. I just thought of this. I'm pretty sure this is true. I have not eaten sober after 5 p.m. since I was 20 years old. Eaten sober after 5 since you're, what? eaten sober after five since you're what like you don't just are you just are you admitting to us that you haven't been sober a day since you were 20 years old no no no no all right let me think

about this also do you eat dinner at five o'clock every day on the dot i don't eat dinner i don't every dinner i'm usually done eating by like 1 p.m ew yeah do you eat that much before 1 p.m no well i'm now you're in a dieting thing. You know, it's one of those. Don't give me that look, dude. I think I might be wrong. I think maybe because I've gone to dinner before, but usually I'll have like a drink at dinner. I think if you have any drink, it counts as not.

Yeah. I mean, like you have a substance in your system. Like if I go out to dinner and it's like 7 p.m. It's actually an album from System of a Down. Is it really? Substance in Your System. Okay, cool. I like that.

Well, look, I thought I had a fun fact. turns out i don't fuck that's a weird fact so you're saying you haven't just like so you're talking about a meal i'm gonna say 6 p.m you notice i snack every hour on the hour so i'll crush a dried mango any time of the day well i have a low i have a super low metabolism for whatever reason it's fucking this is the most humblest brag you're like i can eat so bad i just don't get fat no you're hearing the wrong thing oh the fast metabolism okay right i always forget about which which ism is better i cannot eat that much it's awful metabolitism metabolitabolism is the other corner on the Redskins. Whoops, not the Redskins, the Washington football team.

And God may they guide them into the storm. You know how that's a phrase that people say. Do you care about any team names? I'm sorry, we're getting off of your – That was not – Because I can't understand it. I feel like you eat. You don't –

I really don't. Like during the week, you know, I don't i really don't like during the week you know i don't i'm not i stopped eating at like 1 p.m that sucks i started training myself to do it when i was like 21 when i really was like personal trainer bullshit yeah but like if you're training in back then especially like you're supposed to be overeating i never cared about like being huge i just liked yeah i don't know. I'm the opposite. Like even, so once I got really into running,

uh, like the really hitting like really long runs, all I want to do when I get home is just munch nonstop. Well, that's the thing you're, when you're doing like a fucking seven mile run, you're burning like. Yeah.

700 calories. And when you're lifting and I'm lifting like an hour a day, that's like 250, 300. Okay. Like I have very little justification to go home and be like, it's game time. I, I, calories and when you're lifting and i'm lifting like an hour a day that's like 250 300 okay like i have very little justification to go home and be like it's game time i i ate i after my run last night i while running home asked siri what time asian yummy was open until which asian yummy is the name of the chinese restaurant i get food from it's not something down the street it's delicious

it's right down the street it's like right between the your your place my place best uh general sales chicken in the area yeah they don't deliver so i'm running down the street and i'm like out of breath like hey siri what time's asian yummy open tone it's like do you want asian yum yum look up on youtube or like something weird and i'm like some then i'm running and typing in asian yummy hours into google as i'm like – we're getting almost hit by cars. Yeah, of course. And yeah, crushed some general sales. Like that was my second dinner. That's the good thing I will say about like getting into running is you can eat as much.

Like when you run high mileage, I eat like three dinners. I mean you literally have to or else you're going to be fucking 120 pounds. Yeah, true, which I kind of want to be. That would be awesome. I'm going to get – that's my promise to the listener. What what are you let me ask you this i'm gonna get real skinny this is important to know let me ask you this question right now and just you don't have to say exactly today but around how much do you 187 right now probably 187 but i got down to like uh when i was training for that ultra marathon and i stopped boozing for five weeks i was down to like 175 or something

but it was like it was frail but i carry i i think i need to stay between 180 and 195 to look like a normal human yeah because i have way too big of a head yeah and when i get below 180 it really shows yeah it's like it'll be like thin neck and i still always have the chin fat no matter how much weight i lose which is it's every white guy once you get beyond 25 like you start drinking beer at 19 yeah they just stick there but yeah if if i drop below that i start to look really weird because it's like i lose it in like the worst places it's like biceps legs stomach stays love handles stay like they don't give a fuck i get the same shit i get fat wide like when i get chubby i get like my friends this

is hurts my feelings every time the highest i ever got right now i'm like 201 and that's like yeah biggest i ever got 225 6 foot 11 so i am 6 8 and i am shredded when i'm saying like and obviously you guys can't relate to me because i look better than you could ever dream but i'm kidding i look and that's where we lost all of our listeners yeah and uh you stuck around through the terrible audio of the last podcast and this is where you draw the line and you're like oh god i can't listen to this guy fucking stroke his own ego no dude, dude, I am built. I know right now at this moment, I'm built like a boxer from the 1930s. That's exactly how I'm built.

And I'm proud of that. You're Cinderella, man. I am literally built. I don't remember what he looked like. One of the guys in that I remember that they had like broadish shoulders and no abs. You're like the you're the the quick like warmup fight that they show in Cinderella Man. We're like, ah, he's fighting John the Mick from Ireland who just came over on the boat. And it's just like three clips of that Irish guy getting angry and then Cinderella Man Cinderella-ing all over him.

Exactly. Dude, I look, I'm built like the guy who if you're moving, you're like, we got to get Matt to help out. You're not going to be like, because you could say to me, you do the old phrase, you'd like pizza and beer he'll be here he'll do it yeah i'm capable but i need a reward that's so funny that's what i am dude i don't know i got up to 205 twice in college and once was like in the greatest shape i've ever been in my life yeah and once was just the fattest i've ever been. Yeah. And they were both during, like leading into baseball season, I would just eat and drink all winter. And I remember going into, the first year was when I did it out of shape.

And my coach was like, you're just a fat shit. He used to make me run until like I threw up. I ended up leading. I still, I stayed fat throughout that whole season. Fat and long hair. I looked like a fucking god.

Led the team in home runs, like third in slugging percentage. Dude, I was killing it. whole season, fat and long hair. I looked like a fucking god. Led the team in home runs, like third in slugging percentage. Dude, I was killing it. Next season, I came in shredded at 205. Shaved my head, everything. Couldn't have had a worse season statistically. It was like, I don't know what it was, but that's a lesson to you listeners. If you're a baseball player, just get fat. It might be that baseball is not really much of a sport.

Yeah, it's probably not at at all some would say it's america's pastime oh they would have fucking in the 80s maybe i don't know i think they still fight baseball fight all of baseball fight the bat the gloves i don't know i can't get into this argument because it's i mean it's all everyone always tries to start this argument it's always like a football player but it's a person that played football up until like sophomore year of high school yeah and then they just watch the eagles now and like football's greatest test of a man's strength ever i'm like what about lifting and strength like yeah like that made no sense i'm done lifting and strength lifting and strength work that's actually our buddy cop names lifting but like the the argument of like what the best

sport is can never be because it's always going to be everyone's got a personal connection to one sport like you'll get some guy that's crying that's like my dad told me to wrestling practice every day and he told me that it's like all right so yeah to you wrestling is the greatest it's the same argument when like people argue like jordan or lebron it's never going to get settled yeah there's no real answer because well really well that one's a little bit different like you can you can't – I hate when they do that, when they're like, oh, Babe Ruth could never play in today's Major League Baseball. And it's like, all right, maybe he could have because maybe he wouldn't have been a fat shit.

Like, he probably wouldn't have carried that weight. He still would have been a natural athlete. He would have had access to steroids. But, like, the LeBron and Jordan argument, I hate it because it's 100% whenever you grew up is what your side of the argument is. Yeah, my take is not interesting. Yeah. I'm 25, so it's – What's your take?

Veronica's fit. See, I'm Jordan and it's just because like it was that era. Yeah. When in reality, Tony Kukoc was better than both of them. What we really need is we need to be both 14 years old so we can be like Luka Doncic is the best basketball player of all time and he looks like all my friends yeah who's gonna be is luca gonna be man he is the next dude yeah that must be great to be a 14 year old pale white guy right now they put up a picture it was the funniest thing i've ever seen in my entire life they put up a picture when the nba will put up like a game like uh like uh whatever they call it highlights of a game yeah they'll put

the best player on one team's like headshot and the best player on the other team so it was the los angeles clippers the best players didn't play that game so this guy luke canard you know exactly what he looks like he was he had like 20 points that game they put him on there and he's just got like he's just like every bro and every frat and fucking this northeast and then they had luka donchich who had a neck beard who had a double chin and my haircut and i was like that's the nba baby that's so fun how pissed off do you think the nba is because he's not marketable at all like it took how long for him he was he just got signed by jordan right jordan brand to like get his own signature shoe dude five years into the league

right he's been in the league five years right no luca uh this is third year third year but it took them three years someone to offer him a signature shoe he's not marketable not well i think i think same thing i think they're pissed off that zion williamson isn't panning out because they thought he was gonna be the most marketable guy big gelatinous bitch like he's a huge dude he's a sick boy and but you know what it is their teams aren't that great yeah but luca dude like that's the crazy thing he's like it's kind of a bummer i guess he's foreign yeah which is not the bummer well no it's not the bummer i think i feel like the nba hates making hates having a foreigner as the face of their that's what it is and even though

even though any and really i mean that's where patriotism does need to be a thing if you're a team that is like literally every major professional sport except hockey the logo is red white and blue colored and it's like if the face of it is i mean hockey can't be because 90 are from russia or sweden right yeah but like yeah like baseball i feel like they never want to push like a dominican guy they're like no let's uh mike trout definitely mike trout it's hard because it makes you look not as good if you were like look it's the american league and the best player is this skinny fat dude from slovenia no good we were like here's this six foot nine demigod from akron ohio this is the guy who's the best player in the nba like real because right now the best players onto the kumpo which, I just nailed that name.

That was pretty good. Giannis Antetokounmpo. Giannis. From Greece, right? By way of Africa, right? He was born in South Africa, raised in Greece. His Nigerian family lived in Greece. That's what it is.

So not Greek. I love how they just bypassed the fact that he wasn't born there. He grew up there, but like, come on. He's got a Greek accent. Does he? Yeah, I guess he does. But don't know what a nigerian accent sounds like so matt go ahead um but yeah i guess like that's that's so funny because nhl like they they do love in the nhl when there is like uh i'm pretty sure that like best player the league right now, who I think his name is McDavid maybe. What?

And he is an American white. Why does it feel bad to just say that? I know. They're horny for that. Because for the longest time, like, Sid Crosby, who's Canadian, was, like, the best in the league. I was going to say, is it all Can-ads? Yeah. Is there a Canadian hockey league?

Well, there's, yeah. Or the NHL is both US and Canada. There's teams in Canada for the NHL. But there's also – I think – no, OHL is like the minors. But I think that's like Ontario Hockey League. I could be 100% wrong. Yeah. But I think there's more – I mean, Canada is weird.

Like people will support their local team, like local like to that town. Yeah. Almost more than I think they will support their local team, like local to that town, almost more than I think they will support their NHL team. Okay. Did you ever watch the show Letter County? It's pretty good. It's a sitcom. I've heard of it. But there's essentially club teams that get more support than like –

because I think it's also in the areas of Canada that are so remote. So they're not going to drive six hours to go root for the oilers in edmonton i mean there is fans but dude canada's a wild spot not to get us too off topic well not that we have any topic ever but canada's a wild place that i just found out that is north of us it's right above us like our upstairs neighbors we're not doing anything about it guys we never talked to these pussies they called top bunk and we didn't even try to fight them on it bummer we got the middle bunk and we're the little brothers that got bottom bunk that's no no you know we are you know we are and this is for my patriots out there we are the giving people canada wanted the top bunk and we said you know what take it take it we'll take the middle bunk nerd we're down know what take it take it we'll take the middle

bunk nerd we're down here meanwhile we're down here just fucking mexico well mexico is the oldest brother mexico's sleeping under the bunk bed mexico is the oldest brother they had like the aztecs and shit dude i know so much about history they had the aztecs and stuff and shit and shit bro you naughty b damn can we get wigger history yo there's these motherfuckers down in mexico named the aztecs they be cutting people head off running down the yeah yo they hated virgins bro i think they loved them nah they used to sacrifice them and shit dude when you die and you go to heaven as a Christian, you get to see your relatives. If you die and you go to heaven when you're a Muslim. What are you going off on a tangent?

Let's not get on this thing talking about Uyghur history. I want Uyghur history so bad. Uyghurs are my favorite people. Oh, and I told you. I'm going to be around the greatest intersection of Uyghurs and goth kids tomorrow night. I'm going to see Slipknot. And I cannot wait to see dudes that are still wearing echo and also wearing like leather bracelets and fucking

ball chain necklaces i i texted my friend i'm going with and is texted or text texted my friend i'm going with and i was like hey should we get slipknot masks and just go all in on this like please do it the one time other than halloween where it's like it's gonna be we're the weirdos there for not wearing masks there's a real chance you could walk in there without a mask if you were like but i'm also i want to get a slipknot mask but then also wear like a covid mask over the front of it that's pretty good i think that'd be amazing light it up dude yeah i'm not mad at that i need to go mask shop i think you gotta go for a mask that's kind of funny because buying a mask for that slipknot show is one of those things that you buy that you'll use once and if you ever use again you should be in federal prison i just can't

wait to hear just the flip so my friend i'm going with is like as a kid also we're both just dads that wanted to go see we loved slipknot we were in like seventh grade when they first came out and we were like we're full of fucking anger and anxious we don't have anywhere to like let out yet and then slipknot came out we're like this is for us this is these guys get us and then we grew up and stopped listening to it yeah some people didn't so i can't wait to see the people that didn't stop the people that you're gonna see there i'm excited to hear about i'm so pumped but it's the idea that he and I are going to be there, just two normal dads. And there's also going to be two Slipknot dads there, both in masks. But they're going to be talking to each other like,

Hi, buddy, you want to go get another deal? Because there's going to be so much muffled talk. Because I'm going to this, my algorithm is so fucked right now on Instagram that my discovery page is nothing but, it's usually like baseball and guitar stuff and comedy. Now it is guitar stuff slipknot and comedy but now it's like even more big jay okerson stuff because i've been yeah he was just talking about i think he's going to see slipknot tonight in new york so monday night and i'm excited to hear his take on after going to see them on legion of skanks this week i guess it'll be on a

bonfire i'm just dropping these are just shameless plugs for other podcasts guys we know well man it's just yeah just friends of mine uh you know me and jay as i call him jason big jay when i was like uh when i was like first about to start comedy my big jay's i don't even i mean this might doesn't matter big jay's stepdad was my buddy's personal trainer. Oh, yeah, because he always talks about how he's a big fitness guy. And they lived in Cherry Hill. So a couple times I dropped before my buddy had his license, I agreed to

drop him off at the house or whatever. And there was times where I just saw some fucking dude with fingersless gloves and shorts. He would just be like, because he would work out in the garage and sometimes Big J would stop by to see his mom and say hi say hi to them and i'm like look at fucking weirdo and now i'm like i adore you it's ridiculous the heel turn you're literally seeing your current hero before you knew he was well like i and i remember when i first started comedy

like right before i started i sent him a long dm and it probably came off to a bad start because i sent him a long dm and then i was like oh i don't follow him so i sent him the long dm that was like you're hilarious do you think it got read by him it did it said seen i feel like he doesn't he's i think he's at the level where he doesn't even manage his own shit this is like three years ago no it's big big j knows me deeply he's listening now probably we're both just sold he's probably listening to this on the way back from the slipknot show he's like what are these two fucking great guys up to dude oh it's it oh he's actually at the door here jay come on in hold on well it would sound more muffled because the fingerless gloves the glove part would knock yeah sound yeah true but well no they're fingerless so the knuckles oh you're right dude that's oh fingerless gloves okay yeah yeah

yeah i can see that but yeah i'm so pumped for slipknot i've been listening to them again and they're not bad they're it's it sucks if they were like a band that you played for me now and didn't tell me it was 23 guys in masks and jumpsuits i'd be like they're not that bad of a metal band like they got sick riffs the singers got okay vocals like in some of the songs but oh man it'd be crazy they took a huge heel turn and they're like all acoustic now oh yeah they still had the mask in that like the outfits but they just sound like john mayer well they went on that kick for the longest time where they were still wearing the mask like everything they went to so it was like them at the vmas

next to like kid rock and they all had their masks on still but that kind of stuff i thought was hilarious but i would love like them grocery shopping still wearing it and like very polite and thoughtful like they're just like yeah my my algorithm is full of i had to look up because apparently the masks all change over the course of like every album they change their mask but some don't some i did i went like eight dudes in the band i think it was like seven or eight yeah nine i forget yeah it's all over the place but i'm pumped that'd be sick dude well since i guess i should bring it up since you're going to see uh the not that which have slept will be all good here we're checking our audio as we always do last episode got a little

goofy towards the end through no no fault of our own but through solely our fault sorry folks i am the white cloth sommelier and you know how we get down. So you're saying, I'm going to Slipknot, you're going to what tomorrow? I am going to get an STD test. No, I'm going to... I'm actually going to get an STD at Slipknot. Yeah, through

no sexual contact. I think they're airborne there. I was going to say, if you breathe too hard, you're screwed. That's why they all wear masks. They don't want to get STD. He thought it was a high-density. Nope. Turns out it's actually I was going to say, if you breathe too hard, you're screwed. That's why they all wear masks. They don't want to get STDs. He thought it was a hide their identity. Nope. Turns out it's actually Fauci's nephews are all wear makeup Slipknot. A lot of airborne clap.

But airborne clap is actually our new podcast name. But on Thursday, I went and saw the one and only Johnny Mulligan's John Mulaney. Oh, yeah. Went and saw him at the kimmel center uh it was weird i was like he asked me to open and i was like no i feel like we're kind of like like i don't want to like open for somebody that i feel like him and i are like similar ticket sales and like same level so i was like plus you wanted to do coke and he's recently clean yeah he was like i don't want to tell he was like i'm all pepsi but um so went to the show opener was like, I'm all Pepsi. So, went to the show. Opener, he was there, man.

The guy went up. He sure did stand up. And God bless him for it. Who was the opener? I forgot his name. I'd seen him before it. I don't want to say anything. Okay.

Steve, whatever. Steve-o. Steve-o. Steve-o. He went on stage and he electrocuted his ball sack. And the crowd loved it. Great opener and closer. It's actually not bad. Yeah. So Steve, Steve, Steve, he went on stage and he electrocuted his ball sack and the crowd loved it. Great opener and closer. It's actually not bad. Yeah.

When Psalm good God is John Mulaney just eternally good at standup. He's one of those guys that you like my, it's funny to watch it with my family and it sounds as I'm not trying to sound like I wasn't like saying this out loud to them. Like you guys don't even get how good that joke, but like they're watching and like, wow, he's funny. And I'm watching him like wow he's funny and fuck that guy's good at stand-up yeah like and he's good the guys that impress me the most at stand-up is not the guys who like follow the typical formula of how you're supposed to do whatever it's the guys who take the formula and put themselves into it so like he makes jokes

that only he could make like at one point he goes i'm not gonna whatever i'm not spoiling it but he goes um i walked in and it was an intervention for me which is my least favorite kind of intervention like it's just a funny thing to say that nobody else could say like and it just killed and he didn't he dude he's the only one where like well not the only one but like when i heard he was going to rehab i got excited because i was like oh so much good content's gonna come out of this but, I got excited because I was like, oh, so much good content is going to come out of this. But like meanwhile, somewhere in his family, it was like he needed this or he was going to die. And all his fans are like, yes, we're going to get two specials out of this.

Well, that's what's fun. That's the interesting thing about John Mulaney is he has such a weird comedy fan base. He has people who are fans of his that have never seen any other stand up. Yeah. Isn't that wild to think about? I think there's a lot of those one-off, like, I feel like Kevin Hart is probably in that same boat. Kevin Hart, Dane Cook. Where there's people that are just Kevin Hart fans and they don't take in any other comedy.

Yeah. But then there's also, there's a lot of times when it's like that because you just said Dane Cook. Like, I was the same as everyone else my age, like a huge Dane Cook fan. Yeah. And I think for a while, that was the same as everyone else my age, like a huge Dane Cook fan. Yeah. And I think for a while that was the only thing like my friends listened to. But I think that opened me up to like finding other stand-ups. Right. So my friends all stayed listening to his thing. And I was like, well, let me go see what else is out there.

Let me go see who – I think Kevin Brennan was the first show I ever saw live. And I remember I found him because i was like researching something on dane cook and it was like he did a show kevin let me see who kevin brennan is oh we've been hbo special so yeah i think it's like some people just stick with like i don't know well i think it's these guys have like and this is like i think these guys have like soups like superseded scenes yeah like there's no they're all their own scene like john mulaney's a new york comic you don't look at him as like one of the New York guys. Right.

He doesn't do a podcast. Meanwhile, all the comics in New York respect and love him. Of course. And then like Kevin Hart is another New York guy. But like he's not a New York guy. He's Kevin Hart. Yeah. Dan Cook was an LA guy.

He's not an LA guy. He's Dan Cook, whatever. But it was just funny. Like most comedy shows you go to, you look at people and they're like, oh, I like comedy. And everybody there – I mean there's like 21 year old girls yeah that are like i've never i don't even know really what stand-up is i just like what this love john moine you know it was crazy weird too he bridges that gap between like the classic stand-up comic and alt comic kind of like he yeah he's one of those people that's like loved by both sides of it he he is he is deep down an

alt comic i think but like sometimes you just break the fucking yeah the mold or whatever it is but he dude an hour and 45 minutes he did an hour and 45 and it's all new um well probably it's it's weird because i had seen him at the Washington Township High School. Oh, really? Like right before the pandemic started. Which, I mean, you say that laughingly, but that's like a legit theater. Oh, no. Like B.B. King performed there before he died.

Oh, dude, yeah. It was huge. But he... It even has a name. It's like the TD Bank Theater at Washington Township, right? Yeah, exactly. So he was there and he ran stuff there but never got to record a special because the pandemic happens so we did some stuff from there okay but he's got 30 minutes on the intervention yeah 30 minutes yeah which we don't we've been doing comedy for how long and don't

have 30 minutes combined of all of our material at all and i by combined i mean you and me combined we got a strong 14 yeah we gotta pander for ah what else uh what are you guys doing what are you drinking white claws out there i've been i think i talked about last podcast but i've been watching intervention a bunch on youtube and the one intervention was for a guy with a drinking problem but he showed up to his intervention and no no no sorry this was before that they were showing footage of him drinking outside his house but he had a koozie on his beer. I don't think if you still drink with a koozie, you have enough of a drinking problem that you need an intervention. Oh, really?

I think you're still a fun time drinker if you're using a koozie. Really? Because you got to think, he had to go, oh, where is my koozie? He had to go find it in a drawer, put his beer in it. A real alcoholic is like let me drink this outside the liquor store yeah before i even get home now see you know what i feel the exact opposite but hold on this guy i'll get back to your thoughts when i care about them this guy the greatest move in intervention history so you know how like part of intervention is everyone's supposed to write a letter to you yeah and they read it to you so his sister started reading it and in the middle of it he just went

nope and took the letter from her and ripped it and she just like looked at the camera like well i don't remember what was on there like she had this book and then like they just looked to another sister who was about to go read he reached over and was like yoink and took her notebook and ripped it in half went around the room took everyone's notebooks and just shredded the pages and then the guy who's running the intervention goes well if you're gonna be like that we're not gonna do this at all and i was like yeah that's what he wants so listener if you're ever an intervention and you don't want to be there rip notepads and fucking run because apparently your loved ones don't have anything

heartfelt to say to you out of the out of the back of their head they're like i had to put it pen to paper i really haven't thought about you but he had the cheat code like no one in the history of intervention ever thought man if i just take these notes away they can't even start this the the guy running it is like if you don't want to do this we'll stop yeah these are the people that like look i'm not trying to get too if you're getting the police thing whatever they want to send like crisis interventionists yeah these are the guys who are going to walk up and be like, enough. And then get shot. It's like, come on, guys.

I went to high school with a guy that was on the intervention show. And I haven't found his intervention yet on YouTube. I'm kind of letting the algorithm bring it to me. I'm not searching too hard. Because one day I'm going to be so excited. And shout out to him. He got clean and he's actually done pretty well the rest of his life. I'm going to be so excited.

And shout out to him. He got clean and he's actually done pretty well the rest of his life. But it was really funny because he was also like already in high school was like the good looking dude that was great at everything, got great grades, was a sports star, graduated college. Things were going very good. And they're just going even better now. So you're like, all right, well, school, you know what? Maybe not everyone's a terrible junkie. Yeah, sometimes you can be a good, productive junkie.

He became a better golfer. That's funny you said that. The one thing, John Mulaney had a quote that he shared that, by the way, I went out with my friends on Saturday. I must have repeated this 9 million times because, believe it or not, we were drinking. And it starts with, I'm John Mulaney. I'm John Mulaney. I wish I was.

Wait, can you do it in a John Mulaney voice? I'm John Mulaney. That wasn't bad. That I wish I was. Wait, can you do it in a John Mulaney voice? I'm John Mulaney. That wasn't bad. That was actually really good. I'm not mad at that. So he talks about- I said to him. So I say I'm John Mulaney, which I always will be.

Dude, I'm John the fuck Mulaney. Is this Matt Mulaney? Thank God. You have glasses now? You became like a very thoughtful writer now that you have blue light glasses you walked up and you're like they're blue lights i was like i know that's how you know you're a good friend with somebody because anything that looks different about you you have to explain and be like i'm sorry i hate myself i shouldn't have done it that's all that's a real that's a

real pal because you know they need they should be making fun of you i'm still not on board you're stealing valor from the optically challenged dude like i said before the podcast see better you're the kid that was like when you're young you're like oh i want to cast on my arm but i don't want to break a bone yeah yes dude i faked eye issues to go to an ophthalmologist when i was like eight years old my parents thought i had like like retinal cancer because i'd be like every time i look it's so bad and they're like all right and we fucking care about you and then we go to like nine doctor's appointments and they're like i think your kid might be a piece of shit you're like oh okay that makes sense you're reading the chart in the wall and it's just like all right top row i second m third faking this okay yeah well you know the irony of it? I have 20-15 vision.

I have really, really good vision. You have perfect vision. So I would look at that board, and I could read it top to bottom, and it would be like I, and I'm like L, and it would be like O, and I'm like Q. I would just purposely put it. That's a character I've never even seen before. Does that even exist?

I got called out on it. Have you ever done that? You never tried to fake it on an eye exam? I told you I'm blind as shit. Yeah. I have to like, oh, dude, I'll tell you this. From the other end of it, going into an eye exam i told you i'm blind as shit yeah i have to like oh dude yeah i'll tell you this from the other end of it going into that eye exam is one of the most nerve-wracking things ever because you never feel dumber than when you're like q she's like that's not even a letter you're looking at i'm like a non 12 i don't know yeah oh man it's i still to this day

and it's so funny like there's no repercussions if you get it wrong. But it's like I still have that thing where I'm like, don't fuck this up, buddy. You're going to end up with like the worst glasses ever. I still – I don't know. Wow. I can't believe you were – I'm being dead serious. Like I went to Haddonfield Pediatrics not too far from here. I went there and I remember doing the eye exam and I flubbed every single letter.

I went there and I remember doing the eye exam and I flubbed every single letter and she basically was like saying to me in front of my mom like either he cannot see at all. Maybe he's illiterate It's not because it's not an abnormal thing to fake it for the glasses because dude when you're a kid There's got to be a name for it. There's got to be a syndrome where

it's like I don't know. It's attention seeking asshole That's what I was I was thinking i wanted is that a fart shit and fart that was a shit fart on my butt all right i can see how you do that i uh yeah i was i was that i literally was that kid i was like oh it's called narcissism that's that's that's what my girlfriend keeps bitching about okay got it got it got optical narcissism well there's the name of the episode that was an easy one you

keep talking i'll put that in my notes because i always forget when i'm naming these and then i gotta randomly scroll through and whatever we're giggling at usually is the name of the episode optical narcissism that's pretty good well i uh yeah i was the same kid i was the kid who wanted glasses i wanted braces really bad that was the thing i had you wanted braces look at my teeth look at these why yeah never had braces my entire yeah i was just like everybody's got because dude i hated watching kids you just wanted attention dude we had a diabetic girl in my class and i was like what the fuck i want insulin dude every day at nine o'clock she's like i gotta go to the nurse's office and eat cookies and i'm like that's diabetes well i mean that true i mean if there if i knew there was a cookie disorder i

would also have been there that's what i'm saying we're like in third grade and we're all looking around we're like is this bitch serious every day she got to go to the nurse and eat cookies and drink a juice box and we're supposed to she probably grew up to be the worst we made comments to my teachers and they were like you know she really is like a like a really tough but think about being a teacher and you gotta explain that to kids you're like if she doesn't eat cookies she'll die me too fucking cookie monster gets to leave every 12 minutes over here meanwhile i'm eating celery like a fucking dork you gotta break my arm in the corner so i can get a cast the idea that we were only allowed to eat celery while she ate cookies is the funniest thing of all time that we're just sitting there dipping it in like low-fat ranch she's like looking at us with like chips of hoys that's fucking amazing that might be so did you

ever end up getting your cast did you ever break a bone i broke a bone as an adult and i was like this sucks i don't want to do this you got a cast as an adult i had a cat there's nothing worse than an adult with a cast or a brace oh my buddy came over the other day he had he randomly he went camping and he woke up one morning and his elbow was just swollen. No clue. Like he thought it was like a spider bite or something.

Yeah. It all went down. It's so funny too because he's got on the other arm a full sleeve of a badass tattoos. Yeah, yeah. And then a swollen ouchy elbow on the other thing.

Yeah. He walks up to my house with a fucking brace on his elbow and his full sleeve on the other arm. He looked like a wrestler just on his lunch break. Like, you want to go get a sandwich, brother? And he walks up with this thing and he's like, I know. I got it on.

Just let's get past it. There's nothing worse than an adult with a brace. It's always someone that – it was like the cheerleader in high school that always had a wrist brace on. You're like, you're in cheerleading. At all times. But then when you think back, like yeah you were catching humans yeah that probably involved every every high school's got one girl cheerleaders were always braced up they always had a brace the hefty bases always had a knee brace because they had some kind of knee problem

yeah and they would always get out of school for it and then like the flyers because they got dropped on their head and neck braces yeah i did There was a girl that we had in our school that like every couple weeks or months would have like a boot on or she'd have a cast. Was she a cheerleader? No, regular person. And then like the teachers would ask her questions and I was like, oh, they think she's getting abused. Oh, shit. And they didn't know how, like we knew who the girl was and we're like, yeah, the type of person you are. You break things all the time oh yeah she was the one who started drinking when she was 15 and she'd be

like let's see if we can finish a fucking thing of fireball and then show up after the weekend with a boot on we're like yeah she had a terrible childhood probably yeah i mean she might have been getting fucking lit up by the parents but i don't know we never asked i just assumed it was or she's just a klutz oh that's like my worst fear is like i'm a loving father i'm never gonna hit my daughter but like if she's just a klutz and trips all the time and like she already dead in her head the one time as a baby i'm like i have to explain that that's my biggest fear is like she breaks her arm and they're like sir we have to talk to you in the other room would you i'm like no she just ran right into a wall they don't ask you when she gets of age they'd ask her when she's like five, six years old. Well, they do that. I think when they say – I've heard – there's a comic talking about this recently.

When if two parents bring a kid with an injury to the hospital, they'll separate the parents and ask both of them what happened just to find out. And it's almost – I think it's like statistically they'll ask the wife if everything is safe at home. Yeah. Meanwhile, we can talk about this i got cake smashed in my face by my best friend's wife my best friend i gotta write down i think that diabetes thing would be funny yeah at my beautiful daughter's one-year-old birthday party happy birthday we uh we were having a cake and i was gonna throw some of it out and my uh my best friend's son came up and i was like i hit hit him with the old, the classic, like, man, this cake smells funny.

And I mushed a little bit into his face. Yeah. To which his mom retaliated with an instant like uppercut of cake to my face. And I fell back and I was crushed some other one-year-old, which could have been really bad. And when I got up, I was like, there was a kid there. Her response was, that's what you get. I just walked off. So that's my types of friends.

So if you saw a picture of me a cake on my face that was the story behind it i won't get into it too much i love them i love i think you should dive in uh his wife's gonna or he's gonna listen he's listening to this right now going and he's actually right there in that picture on my walls when we were fat no kid uh a couple kids yeah cute couple uh idiots in sweaters what's we'll say his name is david david dale earnhardt that's from dale earnhardt and his wife susan earnhardt who's the lady uh isn't there a lady race car driver jesus uh danica patrick she was a she was a lady yeah she was a real babe yeah she's a car babe car babes are usually tough nascar world's on its head right now there's a uh black guy named

bubba watson just won uh some big race and like wasn't it like a whole thing the racists are not too happy the amazing racist yeah but he's a black dude named bubba watson yeah i would never guess no black guy that's a fat guy that loves nascar yeah that sounds like a cartoon character that sounds like whoever the best like nascar driver is and like the fairly odd parents well i feel like when he started driving they were like look this is you're the jackie robinson of nascar this is not going to be easy your name's devante we can't let you go out there with that devante watson does not work his name is savantism watson yeah savantism w change. We're going to have to give you a nickname. Bubba?

Bubba. Get him on the track. We'll just tell him he's tan. And the entire time he's like, I don't want to do NASCAR. And they're like, now listen, dude. You're going to love it. What, are you going to run faster than the car? Yes, I can.

So he's like, all right, one stipulation. You cannot change my name. And they're like, look, you're not going to like this, dude. Nobody here wants to do this to you. Look, things are getting weird in professional sports. We got luka donchich is the number one in the nba we can't have a davante watson be a number one in nascar look there's about five other leagues for you that's what it is we just need to rename luka donchich to something like kobe jordan kobe jordan james kobe jordan lebron chamberlain have you noticed that doesn't it feel like people nowadays have more there's more three named people now yeah you know well three named

people were always like uh murderers for the longest time jeffrey dahmer jr oh jeffrey weffrey dahmer was his action um no like it was always like uh i always get james ill jones and james earl ray confused james earl ray james is darth vader yeah james earl ray is the one that killed mlk but martin luther king has three so who the oh okay yeah james ill jones uh the other ones john wilkes booth john wilkes booth another murderer that's actually john booth doesn't sound like oh i got shot by john booth yeah john wilkes booth like oh this is not funny because i am should we start going by three syllable names now but different middle what's your middle name daniel john daniel montag i tried for the longest time i thought about because like uh don't say jd no no never i'm already corny enough i wanted to try to

separate like my real life and comedy and i thought about going by john daniels just as like my comedy name before i started but i was like i can't be that but then now every once in a while i do still think about i'm like if i ever because people i work with start finding out i did comedy they're cool like my boss is cool with it okay yeah to to hide it. Okay, got it. Yeah, to hide it. But then it would have so cornily, cornily, gone to just Jack Daniels jokes. Yeah, I'm John Daniels. I'm drinking Jack Daniels. Yeah.

Yeah, that's probably not that great. No. I think you're fine. I mean, dude. What would your stage name be if you had to pick one to hide your identity? Crispy Red. Crispy Red? Yeah.

Chris. Chris P. Period Red. Two D two d's on the dude there's this thing wait is that did you just come up with that right now is that already i thought that's pretty funny is that bad no that's amazing oh fuck yeah you're not good on the spot you're just kidding it's actually i don't have an act that's all i am gonna you're now crispy red crispy red oh i said there was a little bit there was one that there's this uh news anchor that was talking about a local fair and they cut to the local fair and he's got to like talk over it. And they're showing the B-roll footage of like a pig and the name of the pig is Chris P. Bacon. And he just starts pissing himself talking about it because he's like, first of all, it's an insane thing to call an animal what it will be when it's dead yeah also what are the

odds that a pig will be named bacon i mean that's amazing well i mean it's what shouldn't be because that i mean imagine people are like johnny cannibal like i don't know what it's called when you eat humans a lot of people call me johnny cannibal do they really or no john daniel well it's johnny cannonball when i was young because your boy could rip some cannonballs are you good at cannibals do you feel like a pen is anyone bad at cannonballs me you're looking at him you can't do cannonballs dude i was six easiest of dives i was six eight dude i would right here real quick me you can't do this i could do it but there was always smaller hispanic kids at the ymca camp that would do cannonballs that were way bigger splashes than mine and you're a fat fat fatty though no i was

skinny fat i was i was i had some titty i had a little titty yeah titty is great for cannonball i have about three or four ounces of titty no titty is not the secret it's ass i got no ass no when you're in the ball and the ass pokes out and these little mexican kids had ass fat ass all these little mexican cuties dude dude these little taco bell bitches had all right that's that's no good. No good. They had some cheesy gordita crunches when they were jumping in this pool. All right. Time stamps. Where did we go on that one?

Crispy red. Crispy red. But you have to also always be sunburned. And that's like, that's your getter done. Well, no, the camp that I went to was the first indoor pool I'd ever seen. I was like, what are those fucking the Oasis? You mean I don't have to worry about sun rays the entire time i'm in here the woodbury ymca the yeah they're in there indoor pool dude swam there crushed those bitches up no i'm saying

you as your your stand-up name chris p red you have to have sunburn all the time and your catch phrase you got to be like that's just me chris p and then a whole rep crowd's like right oh my god that you're good or done squirt aloe vera into the audience not even shamrocks on because fuck them dude honestly if i could say a couple words about shamrocks on do you mind if i kind of go i just want to talk about these guys dude check them out no i wasn't trying to do a segue into a promo just actually now i think it's if you use the code idiots they charge you triple yeah so it's like instead of the 500 they would charge you for their bottle of sunscreen they charge you

1500 we need sponsorships guys first yeah seriously reach out oh yeah uh oh yeah i put it out to the crowd uh the only person that ever responds to topics or anything is drew montana who i don't think even listens to us. No. Although he did repost a couple of our apps. True. My roommate, Big Fat Zach Comer, has been reposting the apps. Appreciate that.

Yeah. Shout out to anyone else. My girlfriend today told me that she has listened to half of episode one. I never liked her anyway. Me either. She's not going to get this far. I'm here to announce we have split up, and I like men. I mean, on that note, we can kind of take it home now.

Anything else you want to talk about, buddy? Anything else. What else? Did anything go on this weekend? What happened since last time I seen you? Nothing. This past weekend, I went to hung out with some pals my buddy uh my other friend who has a kid because i got two count them two friends who have kids

my buddy came up we went to uh philadelphia and uh heard of it had to worry about vaccine cards oh they strict everywhere well we went to a little place called morgan's pier oh if there's anywhere that shouldn't the amount of hpv that was passed around morgan's pier yeah in the past 20 years and they're gonna worry about vaccine cards now dude i gotta tell you it's the first time i've gone to a bar i mean it's so weird because the pandemic started when i'm 23 so i missed out on like really age damn i forget how young you are i'm a young little tiny baby kisser guy. So going to this bar, I remember I was, I'm 25 now I'm looking around and I'm like everybody looks young.

Like it's all just like 21 year old kids who go to like fucking UPenn and all this shit. It is crazy how quickly 21 year olds look so much younger than you when you're in your early 20s. You're 25 and you're like look at these children they're letting in the bar. They don't even ID at Morgan's Pier. I used to get in there when i was like 19 no they're pretty 20 now really and

now they're looking for vaccine cards well we got kicked out because my friend who was just absolutely just hammered decided just light a blunt in morgan's pier just barked one up and marijuana blunt just him it wasn't like he was with like a group of people he just went to the bathroom got halfway back because we were like hanging around the tables whatever he got halfway there and he's like i think i should smoke marijuana and philly is like i mean there it's not so jersey like it's legalized or whatever but philly is still kind of like it's a citation i think it's if you're on the streets like yeah i think it's not fully legal they're huge to get a ticket it's like a speeding ticket well so the bouncer came up whenever we've gotten

kicked out me and my friends we've gotten kicked out of plenty bars just on appearance alone like if if a fight broke out or like someone was doing something stupid i'd be like yeah it's probably those guys over there well i'll save this for the next podcast but one time we got kicked out because people thought we were white supremacists i'll save that as a teaser and we confirmed it by beating up a jew just lighting up stein oh it's just like unfortunate it's like you didn't single it out but like the one guy you shoved happened to have a yarmulke no it's even i'm telling you god as you're shoving them you're like no no no no no no i love this story makes me laugh every time we might have to save it when we start doing video because i gotta really get the video to act it every time. We might have to save it for when we start doing video because I got to really get the video.

You got to act it out. I genuinely have to. It's pretty ridiculous. I can't wait for you guys to see the video and realize that we're actually both two black guys from Greece. Yeah, two six foot three. Named Matt Antetokounmpo and John Antetokounmpo. Johnny Takumppo, folks. Matt Antetekoumpo, what do you got coming up?

What do we got? Who are you? Where are they going to find you? Speaking of seeing... What's the biz? Speaking of seeing folks that are too young to be around, we will be on Rowan University's campus at Axe and Arrow Brewing Company. True.

Which is literally on Rowan Boulevard. The 21st, right? 21st. John and I will be there. Cricket comedy. Look, I got into this bitch just by saying, like, hey, let me do it. And he said, yeah, sure.

That's how it is. That's comedy. You don't even have to do stand-up. You just got to ask bookers, just let me do it. And they'll be like, ah, whatever. Just to forcefully get your way. That's it. But I got other stuff.

We got Ruba the 23rd in Philly. We got November 6th. They'll be at St. Mark's. No, when Matt says we, he means him. Don't think it's both of us. Yeah, sorry. It's just pop. stuff we got ruba the 23rd in philly we got uh november 6th i'll be at saint no and matt says we he means him don't think it's both yeah sorry it's just just pop uh november 6th i'll be at saint mark's comedy club in new york city doing a piece of shit bringer show mark sounds like an island that like i was like what are we doing here well it's so funny because he's like i do stand up new york they renamed epstein island he's like coming down to saint mark's he's like

i do stand up new york i do the new york comedy club in saint Mark's. He's like, I do stand-up New York. I do the New York Comedy Club in St. Mark's. And I was like, well, I sure would like to not be at St. Mark's. And he's like, how about St. Mark's, November 6th? I was like, alright, whatever. You mean my favorite place? So, then we got that. We got the 15th, I'll be hosting at Broadway Comedy Club in New York. The 20th,

I'll be at the Brightside Tavern in Jersey City. The something else that I wanted to actually say well if you can't remember where can they find you to just look up my stuff the webs at matt people's comedy i'm actually looking into buying a url for my name so that'll be a hundred dollars down the fucking drain from matt people's.com yeah i'm not proud of that but uh that's me dude just ah hey listener go snatch up matt people's.com don't drive the price up for the kid i have no money uh me you can find me i'm realizing i made this thing today and i already put the wrong date on there so on october 23rd not the 24th you can

find me in lid it's pa at the white swan i have to pause in between the two words there so it doesn't sound like White Swan. Stand up at the Swan show. That'll be a fun one. 1026 at the Penn Sport Beer Boutique with two dudes and a dad. Killer show. The Booze and Confused. Good lineup on that one. On November?

Yeah, November 4th? On November. In November 4th on November in November 4th amongst November 4th you can find me at Stickman Brews with Lovable Monsters love those kids Montag Comedy on Instagram Hacks Comedy Golf on Instagram

which who knows that will come back maybe one day and then you can find the both of us at Handsome Idiots Pod we got some logos we're gonna throw out there if you guys i'm gauging it i want to make sure we'll do well here's what we'll do this is a good idea we'll put out the three things and we'll say would you buy this as a shirt and three of you will say yeah poll and i'll repost it on my instagram dude i have millions upon millions upon 951 followers that could weigh in on it yeah it's fun merch i'm just i i took the columbia oh yeah by the way happy columbus day happy happy indigestive people in uh in i don't know

that's what it is oh today's also national coming out today national coming out day and you said you wanted to say something to everyone I don't want to get too deep into it but I love I love unsexual men there we go metronome metronome metronome it's peeps and jay jay and peeps

we're in your girl and we're getting deep she said nice that's a lot of girth I said baby come back down to earth it's small it smells it looks like shit yeah baby girl talking about my dick ever seen anything as sad as this said you ever seen anything as sad as this that's actually i was gonna i think we got a new intro fuck you rob cruise