That Rules Podcast - Episode #24: I Am A Camry

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

From running bits to runny shits. Also find out about the Karaoke Loop Hole John discovered this past weekend. Use promo code “IDIOT” on any site with a promo code option for “That Promo Code Doesn’t Exist” % off your next order.

🎵 Too much, idiot. Well, folks, it ain't no fun without a little bit of cancer. That's right, guys. You thought it was handsome the entire time. We've been talking some different tunes, a lot of cells replicating. But you know one thing you can't replicate? The fact that this is the final episode of the Handsome Idiots podcast. I'd say, John, we had a good run.

We had a mediocre rise. I'd say we probably had a bad run. I've never had a bad run in my life. As a runner, I've never met a run i didn't you know i had the runs last weekend i had little poopies oh yeah no i meant i meant good i thought you're talking about like running like you're healthy no no you know it's crazy i mean i've gotten back into doing the high mileage thing again and like people on the road are starting to like pull up next to me and they're like hey are you a camry i'm like what yeah like no like are you a camry okay i'm like are you saying

something wrong and i'm like what and they're like because we've never seen someone handle high mileage as great as you are are you a toyota camry the greatest high mileage car in the history of vehicles people are saying that i'm the Camry of local white guy runners. You know, that's funny you bring it up. The other day, somebody, we got evicted. And somebody like, we were like going to the people running the complex. And we're like, we genuinely don't understand like what the issue was or why it's happening. They're like, it's not you two.

Talking about me and my roommate. And I was like, okay, what could the issue be? you two talking about me and my roommate and i was like okay what could the issue be and they were like you have a v8 engine coming over once a month once a week to do a podcast they're talking about you dude oh yeah yeah they're calling you a v8 engine they're offended i mean some people are saying that my running is offensive they're saying it's too high power from what i mean the rumors yeah no and no it's funny it's because you've seen, I run with a headlamp on because I'm safe. Sure. Bright colors, headlamp at night.

And cars are starting to pull over because they think, they're like, there's no way anyone would do that speed on this road unless they were a cop. Yeah. And they see the headlight and they think it's a new type of cop light. It's not. It's just me. Yeah. And that's what like, the other thing they got mad about is they're like, they're like,

dude, there's fucking tire marks in the hallway. Yeah. Every time you cut a corner to walk into the hallway of my apartment complex you are i literally there's no break and it's that's what they say like are you a camry without breaks like i'm like i might be that's kind of our duo name as podcasters is i'm all gas and you're no brakes yeah so we're all gas no brakes baby exactly just tooting and not stopping dude if you're listening to this, we'll fight your dad. Also, if you're still listening to this, this far in, thank you.

Yeah, you're a jackass. Dude, why would you ever do that, bro? But here we are, man. It's a Sunday night. I'm sipping a little Miko Ultra. John's got a little LaCroix in hand. I say LaCroix just because I'm fancy. Oh, I'm furious.

I know it is LaCroix. I've looked it up. I've gone on, like, Google pronunciations. Yeah. But I still think La Croix sounds better. No. La Croix. Sounds stupid.

No. And we'll leave it at that. All right. Well, I'm officially done saying La Croix, I guess. Wait. You. All right. Hey.

I'm a French kind of guy. I have a last name. Well, that's funny. You took the French all the way out of it, dude. But I don't pronounce my last name, which is French. Montague. Yeah. How do you, what's a French accent to do that?

Montague. Pussy. Okay, well, that's, I'm talking about my roommate like that, but okay. I don't think we're French at all. I don't know what that name is either. You gotta be French, dude. I mean, I do. People are saying that not only am I a gay.

They're saying I'm one of the most French-looking people in comedy. People are calling you the French Camry. Yeah, they were calling me French Stuart for a while. A lot of people call you French Montana. True. Yeah. True. And I'm not black or French Stuart, which is weird.

You're related to Drew Montana, though. True. That is true. That's what it is. I don't know. That's the worst podcast of all time. It is. It's definitely the worst. No, it's pretty good. I would say it's pretty good it is i don't know what's the worst podcast of all time it is it's definitely the worst no it's pretty good i would say it's pretty good but i don't know

you know i'm just a guy who lives it up a day at a time bro this past weekend what did i do you ask hold for laughter no we got pumping in dude what do we do i don't know we uh what did you do this past weekend this past weekend i haven't seen you i think since the last time we did the cast right last time yeah you did well you showed up you you drove around south oh speak of the speak of the anal dude i got a tail for you you little you little bastard and it's all your fault hey hey what's up not all hi? How are you? Not all of us. Hi. Hello. How are you? Not all of us can get booked by the Ryan Foster at the Stickman Brews on that Tuesday. Yeah. I mean. I think it's limited.

That's why I said that. Probably one of the only comedians shorter than you and I both are, which is an interesting fact about Ryan that I've noticed. Very short. Probably one of the littlest guys. But hey, man, I love watching him give comedy a try. Yeah. Every time he tries it out i just

it's never good but it's fun to like see where i can like ryan listens to this yeah that's why i'll tell you this all right here's the real if we named this podcast cocaine he would listen to it yeah he would probably yeah be sniffing his iphone i uh i uh all right so here's the dealio i on thursday decided to be an elite level friend and i was like here's what i'll do tuesday this is thursday is it it was thursday yeah you're right so thursday big johnny max he's got a show at sick man bruise by ryan foster they book it it's great show over there so i was like pumped i was like oh that'll be great i hadn't done stand-up the entire week by the way so i'm just a lazy piece of dog shit didn't do any stand-up so thursday i'm like what am i doing get off your

ass let's go get this puppy done so i uh go to an open mic i go to tony parlante's open mic tony parlante is a former adult movie star who worked some kind of job and then retired and now dips in and out of adult like films so he runs an open mic i'm just picturing tony parlante laying some lumber back in the 70s on film oh it's terrible dude just it the the porn is him making love to a guy named mike and he's's like, this is how you open Mike. All right. Well. Well, that was a good story.

There you go. So I'm going to go to the open Mike, and then after the open Mike, I'm going to drive over to Philadelphia from Turnersville, New Jersey. Yeah, Turnersville, New Jersey, which is not close. So I go to the open Mike. I'm like, can you put me a little earlier? They say no problem. I head out of there at 810. I'm on the road.

I'm in philadelphia by 8 35 show starts 8 30 which really means 8 45 yeah so i spend and this is obviously like if you're if anybody from philadelphia listens to this it's you're like this guy's a fucking idiot i spent 35 minutes circling genuinely dude circling and then like like temper tantrum yelling like what like like an idiot what the fuck are all these cars doing here oh i love when you're when you're doing that circling and it's like anything like oh another fire hydrant another fire hydrant it's fucking like a garage i can't tell you how many times i've like in philly done the loops and you finally find a spot you're like fuck yeah you get out and you're like and that's a garage god i gotta move it's all and everyone on the block's like oh another fucking

new jersey plated moron just parked in the garage and it's like it's like you become so jaded expecting every open spot is not a spot that you start finally passing every once in a while there is a spot oh yeah and it's open you're like there's no fucking way and you just drive right past it so i drive around like and like literally 35 minutes and then i find a spot and i was like pull into the spot it's been 35 minutes from now you texted me and you're like just got off and i'm like dude what i texted you and i was like don't even show up uh the stage got torched got torched i just got done i literally lit the stage on fire well they were saying it wasn't the landing on fire they were like the stage got torched. Got torched. I just got done. I literally lit the stage on fire. Well, they were saying it wasn't the landing on fire. They were like, the stage holds like 400 pounds,

but then a Camry weighs like two tons. So they were like, just collapses right through it. Dude, Camry is such a chubby... Is that a reasonable sedan doing comedy? Is that a cost-effective four-door sedan? Trustworthy.

I come in cayenne blue dude it comes with serious xm you have howard stern inside you at all times what color car would you be if you were a car probably orange all right dude it's orange it's always orange you would just be the color of your car now it's like a red it's you and the sun probably rather be orange if we're being honest i like the thing on the color of my car i'm gunmetal gray guess who doesn't own a gun and never will well i don't see color but i love gray true you're like it's a problem it's pretty bad i actually got in a car accident but uh so then i pull in and you text me right on cue just got off then i'm like that fucking sucks but i'm like there's probably a couple people after him. I'll go in, I'll hang out, I'll have a

beer, whatever. You could have gone on too. Yeah, actually. I think two people that were just there got thrown on last minute. Well, at this point, I'm having even more regret then. So I pull in. I'm like, you know what? Let's go in. We'll hang, say hello. Pull in. As I pull in, I get a text from

another comedian, one Robert Stant, saying hey, you left your card at Cross Keys Brewing Company. You're an idiot. 30 minutes back from where you just were. 30 minutes back. And it's not a credit card. Look, credit card is not a real thing. The idea of credit and money and owing people things, I'm not fucking buying.

I actually have just been leaving my credit card like when you put the chip in. Yeah. I got it. You can take your card. I just pull it out a little bit and I just leave it things. Yeah. I'm not fucking buying. I actually have just been leaving my credit card like when you put the chip in. Yeah. I got it. You can take your card. I just pull it out a little bit and then I just leave it there. Yeah, I'm just like, you figure it out.

And the guy at Wawa's like, I'm 19. I'm like, all right. It's a Capital One. I think you call and they issue 12 of these to you. Well, then a lot of people that work in New Jersey

tell them it's Capital One. They're like, what are we, raiding it? Anyway. So I pull into the spot. I find out that i have to drive all the way back to cross keys brewing company because my debit card which has hundreds of thousands of pennies worth of money on that thing so i go all the way back there on the way

there i had to tinkle and i had to get gas i go to the gas station i'm getting out of the car and the guy's like you got to pay me for gas before you get out of here i'm like that makes total sense give him the card he gives it back to me and he's like you gotta open this gas thing for me and i'm like that makes sense and he goes one of those days and i looked him in the face and i was like you have no fucking idea and he's like jesus christ dude i was like i'm sorry went in there pissed bought sour patch drove back got my card was gonna still meet young johnny matzah ball over at Raven Lounge. Didn't do it. Wait, let's pause on the fact that you, so you went in originally to that open mic.

You went big dick swinging and were like, can I go up early? I got to get out of here. The worst guy. And then you had to go back. The worst guy. And just be like, oh, that other thing that I had? Yeah, I already was at it. And I'm back.

It was already bitch because I was open. It wasn't I was like, oh, I got a show later. I was like I want to go see my friend. Do a joke for nine people. Can I get out of here quickly? I want to go see John do the material I've seen him do a hundred times. But I'll be in a fucking belly laughing in the audience.

I'll say this. If you guys see I think it's the first and last Thursday Ryan does that. It's a really small room. Really fun though to go like work out new shit or just try anything new like there's maybe there's a handful of people as the crowd all attentive all like interacting with you laughing enough to make it feel like a bigger room yeah that's um i will also say if you're a comic that does that room understand that foster put nine to ten minutes into figuring out the lighting and nailed it. And no one stood in the light except me who apparently according to one picture I stood too much in the light.

Yeah, dude. They were like, you're way too pale to be that much illuminated. But everyone else just stepped in front of it and were just telling jokes in the dark basically. That's no good jokes in the dark is actually a name of my uh autobiography when i that's gonna be a quick comedy that's gonna be the autobiography when you end it all dude i remember the first time i did stand up i stood right in the view of the light and i had to look down and squint the entire time was it at high note this was that good good comedy theater oh right right right is that defunct does that exist anymore i think it is defunct i think they sold off like all the stuff on the walls and shit recently did you

any business there you ever do anything i never went so when i moved to philly was you know it's funny it was like uh right when i was moving to philly was when i guess it was after there was a falling out between like gillis and a couple other philly comics and good good and they were like making fun of it so much that i was like yeah i'm not one of those kind of comic and then like i heard like friends of mine's like yeah i did a show go good i'm gonna do this but when i was like oh man did i just base off of a podcast that i wasn't gonna go somewhere that dude that i think we've all fallen into that rut before yeah i think you just hear one bad thing and you're like i guess i can

never ever do that or think for myself because I can't. It's funny you're saying you're looking right into the lights because I feel like every time, if you're above six foot in comedy, the lighting is not set up for you. No. So you're always looking into the lights because the person that set the light up is most likely five foot six. Yeah. And it's like, well, yeah, I'll set it up for my height. is most likely five foot six yeah and it's like well yeah i'll set it up for my height well that's what those same five foot six comics are the ones who are like don't you think you could pull the mic stand up a little bit before i come out there and it's like dude i'm staring i'm staring in the

led lights for 10 minutes i think we can kind of even out that was also so you texted me about it i saw it on instagram uh kevin hart dropped in so speaking of little man comics dropped in that helium the other night which is fucking incredible and uh the host like it was a taller gentleman and like when he introduced him he said hey ladies and gentlemen you know you've been a great crowd i got a special treat for you good friends here give it up for kevin hart kevin hart walked out now the mic stand was taller than him yeah in the video if you watch it guess what he didn't do take the low road and say well can you readjust the mic for me no he just pulled it down and then two seconds said hello and kevin hart here are some fucking jokes yeah so hey guys if you're short do better and also be taller and

that's not our fault also if you're kevin hart the real thing you should do is you should walk out with like 15 stacks of like hundred dollar bills and then just like stack them on each other step up to it put the mic down and then just like stack them on each other step up to it put the mic down and then kick the stacks into the audience that's pretty good and just be like it's not a rap battle line where it's like i'm twice as tall as you if i stand on my wallet or something like that there's a couple rap lyrics like that yeah standing in your wallet i'm five foot six but i'm six foot if i i have a very thin wallet i basically i don't carry cash like no no cash most of mine is just like i've been trying to burn through so not kind of a humble brag the past

three things i've done show wise i've gotten paid for and like in little bits of money but very appreciative awesome yeah so i've had cash from those and i'm still trying to spend that cash but i forget every single time yeah like i'll be at wawa and i'm still trying to spend that cash but i forget every single time yeah like i'll be at wawa and i'm like and a pretzel and this and card and fuck like yeah i have like 60 just in my wallet i had the same exact thing that's a call to anyone listening try to rob yeah dude please try and rob us dude we'll kiss you right front pocket wallet kind of guy am i you'll get kissed right on the fucking mouth dude i'm sick of playing around you'll get kissed i uh they i the funny thing is i have a credit card a debit card and this is not a joke i can show you right now i have three punch cards to three different frozen

yogurt places oh yeah some of which i don't even live near anymore but i'm like i'm on three i'm close to 10 i have so many times eyed up like a punch card in my wallet where i'm only like two away from the free thing and i'm like oh yeah i could just go buy this shape hole punch yeah yeah you just literally just buy a star i go and i spend 20 on a hole punch to get a free six dollar coffee what it really comes down to is everybody who works there is 16 with a lot of allergies so you just walk in and you're like give me a free fucking frozen yogurt yeah please don't hurt me i have multiple ones for the uh the cute little card shop we go to in town to buy like uh any birthday or mother's day or holiday we go there and buy cards they do have like pretty cool little where's this uh occasionette i don't know if they want us to mention them on this podcast

they are let's just say this when you walk in they're like please wear a mask uh wash your hands and you're a man ew ew yuckadoodies but they're it's a very cute little uh haberdashery if you will yeah and uh we always get like there's a punch card thing but it's always like i'll get the card one time my wife will get another time so we have like 14 punch cards each with like one or two on there yeah and they're like yeah just bring them all in and cash them all at the same time like definitely next time i'm getting a card i'm gonna do that but it's always like when i'm out running errands and i'm like i'm not gonna go home and collect my my punch cards yeah to get one silly willy they do have fun cards like uh i always get everybody the same one that just says happy birthday motherfucker i mean that's an elite

card and nothing on the inside it's so good that's an elite card. And nothing on the inside. It's so good. That's an elite card. I put cash in there, and I write John. That's good. Keep it short and simple, let the card speak for itself. I respect that, dude. I've never gotten a thank you because I never have my last name. You're like, what fucking John was this?

You just keep sending it to ex-girlfriends, and you're like, you're fucked up. Oh, speaking of reasons to buy a card, congratulations. Congratulations to listener and friend Rob Cody. Had his second kid oh shit yeah he did yeah 14 foot tall child yeah uh born part giraffe i'm assuming i don't know rob's very tall but congratulations rob it's awesome love rob rob's a great guy and even better dad but imagine his kid is gonna have a southern and new jersey accent combined that's gonna be a total nightmare that's a great guy and even better dad, but imagine his kid is going to have a Southern and New Jersey accent combined. That's a fun one to try to do.

Y'all got any water? I can't even do it. Y'all got any water? Alright, we'll go down to Wawa and get a little hoagie action. So you're just doing a Southern accent but mentioning local things? But I said water. I guess we're going to m an emoji on up to the readers

water right well if y'all are busy i guess i'm gonna have to tell them that i got hiv aids spot on rob cody you know how everybody in new jersey has hiv also definitely his kid came out talking right away so his kid came out smarter than literally all of us rob cody feels just like a wildly intelligent kid. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if it's because I'm 25 and he's 40, and I just think anybody older than me is smarter. He's the kind of guy where he'll just try, like, if you listen, if you've been a true diehard listener and you remember his episode,

he just dropped on us out of nowhere. He's like, I was in the Coast Guard. Wait, what? One, he doesn't, like, strike you or something, but he would be in the Coast Guard. But anyway, we can talk Rob Cody all day. He really was, actually. I'm glad you brought it up. We don't have to stay on it too long it genuinely was jarring

then he was just like yeah pulls it out he's like y'all ever seen the purple heart i took a bullet for this damn country we're like you guys remember when the president got shot in the 90s yeah that's right he didn't because i took the bullet even better i shot it too caught it myself i couldn't think of a president from the 90s so i said you remember when a president from the 90s y'all remember when abraham lincoln got shot in 1994 it was sad for everybody involved anyway i had a kid do you remember what was your spoke i can't talk speaking of talking yeah well do you remember do you remember do you know what your first word was probably some boring shit dude honestly i didn't i didn't mix it up till i got older i probably threw out some mama dad what did you have something cool you know it's funny camry

it's my first uh mine was ball and my parents were like everyone's like oh and then you went on to be an athlete and you played sports they're like no he was just dumb and he pointed anything around and go ball ball ball like they didn't realize you were going basically basically well i was making the sound of a camry going over speed bumps dude i can't get over suspension so good i remember when i met you i was like this is a guy you you you opened up my arm and tried to sit inside of me like car yeah i was like whoa whoa i'm john how are you and you're like oh my god i think you're remember one time you were giving me a piggyback ride down the street and uh we ran into somebody and your airbags deployed and saved my life and my young child that i did airbags are just when i shit my pants actually that's our name that's actually our other doing name is

camry and airbags they call me airbags around here dude because i fucking save lives and i'm filled with nothing but hot air and nonsense there it it is. Yeah, what can you do? Dude, Johnny Matzabal over here, dude. If you're like, damn, if you're listening and you're like, if John has his fucking hood up with a hat on, I'm going to be pissed. You know, it's funny. It's not even that I'm wearing this hat. It's a Flyers hat that apparently if you start growing a beard, you only want to wear NHL merchandise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You only eat barbecue

and you only listen to the prog metal band Clutch. Okay. Because I'm in the midst of growing a beard right now. I'm going to be straight up with you. You could put together a pretty solid beard. This is, all right, so you have no clue how much that means to me. Okay, gotcha, gotcha.

Every year I attempt to grow a beard yeah and i always think i'm like oh i'm doing it right like i'll watch youtube videos on like how to properly like grow because not everything grows at the same speed like so it's thicker in some spots than others so like you only trim some spots and it's weird so every year i'm like i'm doing it i'm nailing it and then inevitably around thanksgiving i'll see a picture of myself at a holiday party and it's from an angle where like the light's just catching like a patch where i have no hair like it looks weird and then i immediately go into the bathroom and just bust it all off you gotta commit bro don't let a pic take you down it's a hard and it's the

same thing like if you grow your hair out too you're gonna you gotta like fight through yeah like month to two month of like i I'm going to be wearing a lot of hats and I'm going to have to try to figure out something. I tried to grow my hair out at the beginning of the pandemic. I was to the point where I went from, I think it was February into July. It was starting to get to the point where I had to like, all right, I got to make some decisions here. I'm going slick back starting to like-

Slick back to push back. I was starting to do a to push back i was starting to do like a comb over but i had a mullet going in the back so it was weird yeah and i was still working remote so i could make it look good enough on like zoom to pass and the same thing with that i think i saw one picture where i was just like man i look like a fucking idiot yeah just went and got it cut dude i'm telling it just takes one picture by the way i saw it with the long hair i wasn't mad at it. We saw each other.

We both had long hair and went to High Note, sat out back at one time 80 years ago. I remember that was like something I was looking forward to for like two weeks. Should we grow our hair out together?

Well, I tried a second time. I tried a second time. So I got it cut like when like barbershops opened up again and then grew it out again like early this year. And my buddy austin my buddy

austin is a dad now but he always was a dad he had that kind of thing so i hadn't seen him in forever i go there i meet his kid for the first time i see him in like seven eight months he always was a dad what i mean by that is he's never pulled out he refuses to pull out of it from women to careers that guy's committed so he i shouldn't have said that so he love y'all so this kid's adorable and has red hair so he i walk into his house i haven't seen him forever and i have long hair and have a backwards hat on and he goes like you know we get like a couple you know we're hanging out for a little bit then a couple beers go down and he goes i gotta be honest with you he's like that like your hair makes you look ugly he's like you're

a good looking guy with your normal haircut. He's like, I'm telling you right now as your friend, you look ugly. And I was like, you a bitch. I'd be like, is your barber open? I was like, say psych right now, bro. That's great. And then literally, I'm not even kidding, made an appointment that week, got a haircut. Like a total bitch.

No, I need to get in. I'll pay double. Dude, we're at the bar and I'm like taking my hat off and like running my hands through my hair i'm like what are you what are you ryan sheckler circa 2005 dude you're embarrassing yourself by the way shout out ryan sheckler that guy fucking ripped it up either way you know ryan sheckler yeah he was like we were just talking about wiggers and i'm saying that with a w but uh he which by the way matt's watching a podcast when i came in and the guy on there had a yankees hat on and a framed limp biscuit poster in the background a brutal setup and i go oh that guy's a wigger and matt goes no he really isn't

and then now it's cut to another episode he just has a different colored yankees hat on and he's still in front of that same limp biscuit poster so yeah but he's also wearing a hot topic denim jacket. So it makes it a little easier. True. Give the guy a little credit. And a Carmelo Anthony college t-shirt. I can just tell that from Carmelo's eyes, bro.

I know Carmelo when I see him. Yeah, the mellow bandanas. What were we talking there before that? The words we were saying? Just some fucking bullshit, dude. No, we were talking about my hair. I got a cut. I'm a bitch.

Ryan Sheckler. Ryan Sheckler. Yeah, he hit that like phase where he wasn't quite a wigger right but he was like because there was that weird thing where like when i was younger like skateboard kids were like punk rock yeah and that was it and then there would be like every once in a while like somebody was kind of like i i was referred to as like that dave chappelle early on style where it was like he kind of dressed like a skater, but he dressed sort of like hip hop inspired as well. It's like street wear, I guess.

And then like it made that shift where it was like skaters just became like rappers basically. Yeah, dude. And then like blinged out and shit. Yeah. Yeah, that was always interesting because I don't know if that was like a town by town thing, but the kids i was friends with in high school that were like bmx kids or skated were like punk rock kids no dude it was a that's a that's a hunt like when i started skating i started skating when i was like 10 and like when i started it was when the transition was happening where like it used to be like all punk rock all like jamie thomas dudes from zero dudes from fallen chris cole like

all these like they'd wear like skinny jeans fucking rings with painted fingernails and then like band t-shirts yeah and then you had other companies like girl and chocolate and fucking like all these other like they're like the fat shoes and like baggy cyrus yeah dude listen look i just come to escape with people fat tongue there's some racial tension i love how osiris shoes were made for like really serious skaters or fat guys that wear shorts. At all weathers. And their feet are pinching in so much that the side of their foot spills over and touches the ground. Yeah, yeah. While wearing their fat tongue Osiris.

And their white socks are pure yellow at this point. They've been washed maybe four times in the past year. I love a fat tongue Osiris. Dude, I'll suck a toe off an Osiris. I used to rock Osirises. I used to watch... You ever heard of Fallen? The brand Fallen?

Maybe. That shit was incredible. Didn't... Was it one of the guys from Blink-182 started that McBath company? McBath was a huge one. Which was weird because he basically made skate shoes that couldn't be skated in. They were skate shoes that had flannel in them and I was like, is incredible they were skate shoes that were just like you could wear them if you were in a band that was it that was really what it was like the frame was basically he made band

shoes yeah there was a period of time where like vans as a skater you were like you couldn't wear it like they didn't they weren't for skateboarding yeah that's funny vans has come back in the game though dude i love events oh good vans i saw actually I was actually at a Barnes & Noble earlier today because I'm very well bro dude hey dude dude all right so I continue Barnes & Noble they're still brick-and-mortar parts I'll do you one better I was an actor you know I was lighten up a barista as an active shooter at a Barnes & Noble. You're like, no, I was skating in an empty Barnes & Noble parking lot. I was lighting up a barista as an active shooter at a Barnes & Noble because I'm a real man. I don't read. I just cause violence like a real man does. And I was in this Barney's and Noble and I was with my beloved girlfriend.

Oh, that's why you're in Barnes & Noble. It was my idea, dude. We drove past the B&N. Damn, what a great cheap motherfucker Sunday date. You're like, we could go out for brunch. Or we can go look at books. I'll tell you one better, bro. Old Matty, look at books.

We split a coffee cake in the coffee part of the Barnes & Noble. I thought you were going to say you split a coffee, and I was going to be like, no. No. I drank half of it, and I dumped the rest on her. That's how we split it. You also split because you were on a diet, didn't fuck yes that's why you i don't appreciate how much you know about now because last week listeners i brought two hoodie pockets full of candy and matt went i just got rid of all my halloween candy dude because when look at this when you see the striations when you go one two three four five

six seven eight and then you see veins in places you don't know veins appeared you're like what is this guy a fucking diagram for nurses to inject then you realize why i go i think i'll pass on the starburst today johnny mac no i'm still kind of chubby too like 11 episodes when matt i remember this specifically you were like abs are fucking stupid there it up no i still stand fuck dude you're like i'll never try to get abs fuck that now you're like i don't want a mini bag of skittles that's how many designs i hate those skits i scarfed those skits down you saw it in real time i don't want to throw them up you're like anyway i gotta go get this you just chew them and like tucked them in your gums

i put on a youtube compilation of the met gal and put on some celine dion in the background and dry heaved in my roommate's bathroom baby slapped your dummy what the yeah so I took my girlfriend on a nice date dude let me ask you this question did we stop no I have a good question for you so I have been a relationship now about three years and I'm a 25 year old bean boy mm-hmm and I take I gotta take my girl on dates every once in a while because you know we're it's not new but we're not married so does i'm like do you and trish go on a date we yeah we would go on a good amount of date well i mean like i mean like right now like no now we're having the baby it's weird so like we went out and i'll get to this we went out last night for an engagement party and that was like the fifth time we've been out together to an event yeah when it's like since the

baby's been born because i mean the pandemic it was like that was six months where we didn't go out yeah and then within the past six and a half months we've only really gone out like five or six times yeah and now it's usually the dates quotation marks will be like for a birthday anniversary we'll go out together we do talk about how we need to just go out just the two of us go have dinner yeah and you ever need a sitter man zach will just that's the best advice i ever got so the most recent season of hacks uh i was asking people parent parenting advice people like that weren't parents and was just like, what's your parent? Like, LaMare, I think, was just like, do drugs with the baby. But Tim Butterly

had the best answer ever. Shout out Tim Butterly. If you guys are listening to this podcast, go listen to Dad Meat Podcast. Fucking best podcast on earth. But Tim Butterly said that. He was like, dude, he's like, don't worry about the babies. Babies are going to do baby shit.

It's a wild start of advice. He's like, you're going to be fine at that. He's like, you're smart enough that. And I'm like, I'm a fool, Joe. And he's like, you got to make sure you solidify your relationship with your wife. He's like, because eventually it's you versus the kids. And I was like, but how do you suggest you do that? And his immediate answer was, do drugs with your wife.

I was just like, all right, well, I think I have to cut that out. My wife's a teacher. I don't think that should get out. But so like, we do always talk about how we need to just go out and go on dates.

Now we used to go like pre-baby, pre-pandemic. We would just go out on dates, but it usually revolved around like meeting up with another couple. Yeah. Which I think is always fun too. Because it's like, you guys have been together for a while you're talking about the same shit you was nothing else here on the couch yeah yeah so it is nice like go out and especially like we have uh a couple uh that we're friends with like one of my best friends from childhood and they're both

like big foodie nerds okay like they'll always know like the place to go so we just lean on their suggestions yeah yeah but yeah i mean it's interesting i i think i want to start going on more dates and like make it a date like go to dinner and then go do something yeah like not just like we go to dinner we go right home to the babysitter yeah but yeah so it's i don't know yeah i was i just i don't know what maybe think i think just you should i – You should. I mean you should continually. I mean I think that's why a lot of marriages fail and this is just marital advice from a guy that doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about. Hell yeah. But like I think it's like you run out of that spark and then you're like, oh, this isn't the same as when we were dating. Yeah.

Shit changes and you need to adjust and, you know. That's fair. I was just curious about the dynamic. So should I stop like hitting her always hit okay okay you learn to hit in places that don't bruise like elbows just kidding uh uh legal disclaimer i have never struck a woman or my wife i fear my girlfriend physically more than any damage oh yeah she's a terrifying small woman but we both love our ladies i don't have dates we went out uh we

did like i said we went out last night we went to an engagement party in philly yeah um which is really fun really good friends of ours uh then they were the couple that like we were like they're together forever we're like oh they're just gonna basically date for the rest of their lives they're never gonna get married and then they were like we got engaged like oh fuck all right six just something to celebrate so they threw an awesome party party and it was upstairs at a bar. They ran out of the whole second floor of a bar and we got there and they had told us beforehand. They're like, there's going to be karaoke.

So my idiot brain was like. Vocal exercises maybe. No, I'm just, I was like researching the best karaoke songs. So karaoke is weird because you either have your one go-to like there was a couple people my one friend steve who's also a tall ginger um sounds like a great guy amazing dude he did so very tall former like skater kid wasn't really an athlete very white went up and did so you so basically uh did 99 problems and that's killed it but you gotta be you know a little about the n-word we're getting to that eventually all right not with him but another scenario he killed it then another friend of mine that i grew up with uh went up and they were like

oh you seen alex at karaoke i'm like no like just get ready and he is a shorter italian fella he's in a nice sweater love it nothing like you, doesn't look like he'd be incredibly talented. Did the entire Rapper's Delight, word for word, verbatim. Who's that Rapper's Delight? Sugar Hill Gang, Rapper's Delight. It's like, I love, and I want to say hello to the black, to the white, to the brown, to the brown, to the purple, and yellow. Oh, okay.

Because I got to bring back the boogie to the boogie. Now I'm like. Oh, dump, dump the boogie. book now so i know i know chunks of that song but you forget that like anytime you've ever heard it there's probably portions cut out yeah time it's like a nine minute rap song of just lyrics there's no chorus or like any hook or anything yeah yeah and he went up and crushed every word every word he started to run out of gas. And the... Is the audience kind of like falling low with him? No. So this is an audience of 30-something-year-old white people.

We were like, what? He's doing this? Yeah, people doing handstands. The only black person there was the guy running karaoke. Yeah, he's probably... And this guy was incredible. This guy knew... The karaoke guy knew every word to like Jimmy Eat World songs.

And then also, as my friend Alex was running out of gas at like minute seven of this song yeah he came in and picked it up for him and they were going back and forth bumping lines in the middle of the song dude and both crushing it they harmonize the parts and break off crushed it and so i went up and this was this was after i had gone up so i went up originally yeah i followed uh a guy who opened up his first song was mariah carrie's all i want for christmas is you okay which i sold i was telling you earlier either you have to be an incredible singer to do that karaoke or you just got to be a character tough tune yeah so because you can't replicate her notes yeah so he goes up and he does it silly

i went up like a few things later and i'm looking around the room i'm like all right i need to pick my song i'm not a great singer but i can hold a tune but so i was like i need i'm looking around the room and i'm like everyone's like in their early to mid 30s and i'm like and all the like the guys are all watching the sixers the girls are more into karaoke i was like i need a song that i know every word to and girls are gonna like want to sing along you're just like thinking like homecoming 2003 what not even no so i went to my heart of being a lame emo kid oh boy dashboard confessional screaming infidelities uh that's not a bad anything dashboard confessional it's got to be a's not a thing anything dashboard confessional it's got to be a kid burn the fucking house down and here's the key you pick a song that so it's either this is either going to be everyone in the bar singing along or just me

embarrassing the shit out of myself it's got to take a risk right off the bat i got everyone to kind of sing along and get into it and then i held the mic further away now that's the the professional what are you fucking way bro no because that way nobody's really hearing me singing at that point and it looks like i know about vocal range but then i did get into it i threw a leg up and was like rocking out powerful dude so then cut to so it was so fun had a great time doing that uh some of my friends like wouldn't get up and do a song with me so i didn't do anything else after that i was like oh let's

go up and do the one we were gonna do is uh do you remember have you ever heard the song uh bro him from pennywise no so it's an old school like skate punk rock show song that it's it's played like i think the blackhawks have it as like their when they win a game song and we'll put it as the outro on here it's probably my favorite song it's just a white guy anthem and i was like this is gonna look bad but if we went up there i was like there might be six guys in the bar that appreciate this but those six guys are gonna love it so much it really matters all the girls are gonna go get a drink and they're gonna go downstairs we're gonna end up kicking holes in windows so nobody wanted to do that so we didn't do it but so the guy who went first uh who did all i want for christmas is you um it's like five notes in you were like oh very flamboyant gay guy

yeah very obvious and not saying that in a bad way at all he just he had beautiful eyebrows just so manicured well manicured and yeah just like good looking dude um so he goes up and does uh a megan de stallion song you know which tune it was you know which one it was hands on my knees shaking ass on my thought shit no what's the one earlier than that her first like big hit i know i can't think of it there's definitely definitely got a tune in there so old maggie the style in it no matter what the song is i'll tell you here's his lineup he later did my neck my back my pussy my crack this guy's got a fucking and he also did wet ass pussy he's got an agenda bro it's just trying to tell you something he

stood on bar stools that he lined up as like a stage up there this agenda bro this is trying to tell you something he stood on bar stools that he lined up as like a stage up there this is our this is our homosexual friend performance yes yeah killing it dude so now in this megan de salien song again this is like pretty early on you're watching the words as he's singing them and i see him at the top he's hitting those notes but at the bottom there's a word that is going to be a crossroad for him you can see it like when he's like it's like going across gentleman that's up there singing yeah now it gets to that and he just nails it and says the end dude oh my god listen to this these straight white males no one bats an eye yeah of course not and i stopped and i was like oh my god this is the

greatest loophole of all time gay guys can say the n-word yeah because they are i guess i'll hold this joke so and he did like i said the guy leading the karaoke black guy didn't even like look over or anything he was just like yeah he said whatever and it wasn't like one that like got mumbled in he hit it hit it hit it with an a he didn't with an er no er nobody's saying er the song he went with an a uh i'm sure there's some songs that have an er but they're not written by white people i think it's like trump's my president yeah they're they're very red yeah songs they lean a little bit to the right they only play in the right speech they say red with

a hard r this is what it is. So I made the joke. I think I got to put this as a bit. I was like, it's a crazy loophole. You can say the N-word if you're gay. And I was like, I wish I knew this as a youth. It may have shaped the way my sexuality panned out. If I wouldn't have known how much accessibility I had. Then I have a question.

It's like like how many times are you allowed to say it if you're gay is it based on the amount of dicks you've interacted with so like if you've been with

11 to 12 men you get to say it 11 or 12 times so like so he might have been at his ninth time and was like I gotta choose this one

so like he's on stage doing karaoke he's about to say it he pauses the song him and another gay gentleman go into the bathroom they come out five minutes later and he hits it on the fuck so does that mean that a black guy can call stuff gay still black guys are allowed well

black guys love throwing man that's gay bro they love throwing around the f word at stuff anyway yeah they call me that a lot yeah i mean black white chinese everyone calls you that what do we get to say just uh sorry sorry that's so good we get sorry yeah we get to say you're right that's on me that's my bad you're right i shouldn't have done that well it's more my great-grandfather but i get where you're coming from yeah okay sorry white guys are known to say a lot of well now i know yeah okay well now that's so good to think like they can say gay they can say yeah we can say i'm really sorry about that we're all canadian in that sense sorry sorry sorry sorry dude carrie fucking oaky yeah so he ripped it in there and yeah he was he was the diva of the night man he. He crushed all of his songs. I'm trying to think of anything else.

There was a lot of white girl group songs that were just insufferable. Like what is the... Like Four Girls did Zombie by the Cranberries. Oh. Which, that's one... So then this sparked a conversation amongst my friends of like songs that you can never do in karaoke because you can't like so dashboard confessional is easy enough to do where you can almost talk your way through those songs the one guy did jimmy world and it's like anyone can sing a jimmy world song yeah but zombie has such a weird so and every white girl tries to do that holds the mic in her mouth yeah and then just hits a

shrieking note of something yeah dude and it was painful to listen to because they think they're like oh i'm gonna look like i'm just doing it to be funny but deep down in their head they're like i'm actually gonna be good yeah and people will be like wow i just forgot too i remembered so also shocked to find out that that song's not by alanis morissette but go ahead true true did not know that grandmothers were a good band that's the second cd i stole from my sister as a youth the first was the blue album from weasel so you can say the n word in karaoke yeah okay god yeah now i get it that's a thinker people bada boom bada bing matt saying i'm a gay boy and hey you know

what to each his own what was i saying i think you're gay now i don't know i'm not sure oh no i remembered so when i went up to sing screaming infidelities which again great we had an argument me and my friends of what is the number one dash actually it was one what is the number one hollow note song and it's rich girl every day of the week so you're wrong it's you make my dreams come true dude lazy lazy pick lazy pick bro I'm saying

if you look at any list where they rank the Hall & Oates songs it 100% is it's gonna be the bigger one yeah but Rich Girl is the best one

well I can't me I can't pick a best Hall & Oates song I love every I'm obsessed with Hall & Oates I'm fine that's a favorite Wednesday night

our show coming up we'll talk about it in plugs damn maybe that's what i'm coming out to one no you're not because i'm coming out to all hey who is it that we have named two songs here what oh yeah my dreams come true rich girl and we both can use the rich girl karaoke then tough because it's it starts vocally and not with so you gotta think about you're walking out you need something that hits you could put it you could tell him to put it like a minute they won't oh they won't do when i walk in there i'll drag the cursor for it i'll kiss every single guy there so oh what i realized was so i went up to sing screaming infidelities uh again great song and it was right after that guy i think his name was matt ironically not yeah

something white and gay yeah uh he sang my neck my back right before that and i was like oh i have to follow him crushing it with my neck my back my pussy my crack so during one of the instrumental breaks and i was like hey you know what also my neck my back my pussy and my crack which got a pretty good laugh say the truth sis yeah and then later on during the instrumental break into the mic i said all right just the white girls now to which the black karaoke dj did not like that no he was like seriously bro and i was like oh i'm like clearly kidding man you can sing along i'm still singing and then he was like he's singing he's a white girl and i

was like sure this guy then we were waiting for our uber that guy's oda wedgie at that point oh that this guy was so funny as soon as he knew the it was a black guy that knew the words to jimmy world yeah and i looked at him i was like that guy also loves yugioh and i bet you he drives a hatchback he was just a black nerd nothing wrong with you nothing wrong but yeah he i mean he i wouldn't have been surprised if i saw him at an open mic yeah okay all right now you're talking now here yeah yeah i get the thing i'm not saying it's a bad thing it's just it's i mean going to an open mic is clearly a bad thing but yeah yeah oh but then so we're outside waiting uh for our uber and he's outside just

flat out smoking a joint right out front of the bar. Love it, dude. And he was like, I love it when people pick like a seven minute song because I can go outside and spark one up. And we're like, yeah, we smelled you the whole night. Dude, I have so many mixed emotions about this guy. So I'll say this though. He went out the one time and he brought the wireless mic with him. Yeah. And he came back in just reeking high heaven of the sweet mother guy is gone.

And my buddy goes home, the tall guy, Steve, home he was like hey man he's like you're taking breaks he's like no i've been singing the whole time pulls the wireless mic out here when he was out smoking out front he could hear the song and was still doing backup vocals for the guy i was like that's a professional right there this guy's the fucking man all right that answers That answers all questions. Pump your brakes. Oh, my God. What a roller coaster. We're waiting for the Uber. And we're just talking over bullshit. And he started the same thing that you and I have both seen at open mics.

Where, like, he's starting to network with me. And I didn't tell him I got in comedy or anything. And he was just like, oh, yeah. He's like, you know, I do it here at this bar on Wednesday nights. I do it this one night. And I do it here at this bar on uh wednesday nights i do it this one then i do it actually over in jersey and he where he said i was like oh no way she works in that area and about my wife and she was like oh yeah i work at and said to school i'm like don't fucking tell

this guy where you work not dj he's like no way he's like the bar is right across the street and then he pulls out his business card and hands it to me and i'm like oh totally as i slip it in my jacket pocket and now it was in this jacket too usually i'll forget about those in like six months down the line yeah yeah dj terry that was his name too by the way very disappointed but the business card i think it's i mean i've seen a few people in comedy that hand them out i've watched you and i both get handed the business card at the same time. Yeah, it makes me upset. And you're like, do I crumble it now?

Or do I put this in someone else's pocket as a joke? And then a little bit of you was like, should I make a business card? Yeah, that's where you're like, because then you shit on that person. And then you follow them on Instagram and they're doing shows every night. You're like, it's probably the business card. Probably the fucking business card, yeah. But it is funny because I'm sure at one time, and I've heard other podcasts talk about this. shows every night you're like it's probably the business card business card yeah okay yeah but it is funny because i mean i'm sure at one time and they i've heard other podcasts talk about this

like i think nate bergazzi said he had a literal book of business cards that like from trading with people before social media was a thing like he had his own no yeah and would like you'd trade with other bookers and other comics and you'd save them because social media didn't exist yeah nate bergazzi's been doing it for 20 years 20 plus years i guess you could it's different now with other bookers and other comics and you save them because social media didn't exist. Yeah. It's like Nate Bregazzi has been doing it for 20 years, 20 plus years. I guess you could,

it's different now with you just give a phone number but it removes that weird intimate moment of like, let me get your number, dude. Right. Yeah. So, but I guess back in the day

it was commonplace where they would trade cards. Yeah. It's like, hey, great set. I think Kevin Hart used to do it too. But Nate Bregazzi said he had the thing

you basically would keep baseball cards in full of business cards. That's kind of cool actually. I think it was Amber Dan Soder, one of of the two of them and they said they saved it because then it's fun because you can go back and look at them later on like who's huge and who's like or you can see you're like oh god remember that fucking guy like i think i told you and on uh rogan this past week when gillis was on there he shouted out like the harrisburg area weirdo comic yeah that because they were talking about how they were like what was the dude's name again?

Heath the Queef. Heath the fucking Queef, baby. Heath the Queef because he blows it out the box. Is that a joke? That was his tagline. Oh, I just shit my ass pooping. Now I say that, Heath the Queef, and I'm totally stealing the valor of Gil's talking about him on Rogan.

We're one step down. You guys are contemporaries. We're one step down. They say our podcast is literally next to Rogan's on my Spotify because I only subscribe to two podcasts on Spotify we didn't put it there the lord yeah so Heath the Queef

I pray he is out at Comedy Zone when we go out there Wednesday night I doubt he will be so speaking of shit he is a he's a prop comic but in the sense that he wears his prop so he has one where it's he wears a big piece of white bread and he says i'm an inbred comic because he's in the bread uh inbred like the guy you went after at philly's funniest

the fucking globe that he never talked about? I love that that guy brought that globe. It was a globe on a string. And I know the joke, and he doesn't even say it, it's I got the world on a string. You think that's what it was? That's the only thing you can think of. Like, it's the world on a string.

Maybe, yeah. I just remember, like, that night seeing that guy go up. But he definitely didn't realize he only had five minutes. Yeah, yeah, it was definitely like the eighth minute of a set. He was like, I'm closing with Globe. Dude, it was so funny. I've never been so passionate about anything in my life as when I was texting you, he didn't talk about the Globe.

He didn't talk about the fucking Globe. Talk about him not talking about the Globe. And I think that's the immediate, I was like, oh my God. That was what I opened with. And I was like, I'm so glad I didn't bring my Globe. And that crushed. It was like, okay, here we go. Yeah.

Oh, dude. Yeah, Heath the Queef would also dress up as a cracker and say that he was the insulting cracker. Dude, I might love this guy, bro. It's a thing where you want to shit on him, but then he also has some of the most cleverly written jokes. Yeah. Because he's been doing it forever.

He's also a meth addict and I think bipolar. Yeah, that's a pretty unique combination. Heath the Queef, if this somehow gets to you, man, and you're alive and have the internet, I'd love to have you on. Dude, we have a spare room if you want to move in. It was weird. In Central PA, there was a lot of those characters. I think it was because it was the only mic in a huge area.

Yeah. So it drew in everybody. There was Tony Viagra, who i think i've talked to you about before who basically just is does rodney dangerfield's material and dresses like a uh barbershop quartet guy there's a lot of guys he gets booked on rodney's material he gets all on booked on all all black online virtual shows okay i kind of love that i'm thinking of another guy who would just go to open mics and do dangerfield and then he would like everybody would bomb and he'd kill for like the 55 year old dudes yeah fuck that you know what i would love to say the guy's name but i purposely have

never remembered it i refuse to remember that fucking guy's name dude but that dude you know he's the guy that probably has a card yeah yeah yeah yeah it was funny like that everybody just started talking shit about the guy to him at the mics but either way it, I think our fucking heat the queef is probably Roger and Linda. I don't think we've ever spoken about them. I'll tell you this right now. We won't go in too depth on them. Everybody in the Philly comedy scene, New Jersey comedy scene, and now the Royersford comedy scene. Dude, they would be at Soul Joel's mic, and I'd be like, how the fuck did you get here?

You guys own a car? That's what's shocking. One of you can drive? That's what I'm thinking about. There are people like that on the road. In Camrys, dude. Didn't it? I heard it got to a point where they were getting abusive with each other on stage.

She would full-fledged hit him. She'd be like, you're an idiot. You're a fucking idiot. And you wonder, you're like, did they practice this at home? Stick to the script. She's like like i've been dead for three years do you think that they practice that stick to the script thing at home like imagine it's the most like a lap they're both like 35 years old they just go home and take off a bunch of prosthetics it'd be pretty fucking incredible there was a from what i heard i'm not gonna be too there was a small

floating out that roger and linda would open a soul jewel show for a small amount of time i heard that that was like gonna happen and i really wish it had for the for people listening that aren't comics go just go hang out at an open mic yeah and just see like there's been the at the so we talked about you were gonna meet me at raven lounge i went last thursday and when chance mcdonald got up some guy in the crowd just kept screaming say the n-word adam it was a black fella sitting in the crowd just kept screaming say the n-word yeah he's like do it i dare you and chance like no and then the guy goes i'll buy you a shot and i was like as if that's what's keeping white people from saying it's not that you're gonna buy him a shot that he's going to get shot if he says the fucking N-word.

And then, yeah, the guy was just hammered. But, yeah, if you're – Dude, what's up with Raven Lounge and openly condoning the use of the N-word? No, I mean I think Raven Lounge has always been like the haven for misfits. I love it. I love it too. I love it there. I hung out and didn't even go up when i

went there that night because it was like i got there late i guess the signups kind of changed too i gotta figure that out i think it's online or i don't know it's like a mix or whatever um and i just it was like i think i could have gotten on later and i was like i'm not gonna hang out to you know but i was like well i'm here i'll enjoy it so and it was weird i did it sober so again sober november seven days in and i've never felt better than everyone i run into i'm like you know what it's it's a life choice that you just have to stick to meanwhile meanwhile i'm like getting the shakes december 1st you're gonna be shitting blood with how much alcohol is entering your system oh the the bad thing is is i'm not drinking but i am

eating incredibly terrible. Give me a for instance. What's a little Johnny guy thing? I realize last night being at the bar, I was drinking club soda the whole time. I think I have to trick my brain. I'm like, the bubbles will make my brain think I'm drinking. That's actually not bad. And I'm like, oh, it's not just drinking waters.

So I'm drinking club sodas, and they they put the food out and it's like bee sting things oh baby what the fuck is that bee sting like a hot and honey thing chicken finger oh that's incredible well nobody's ever said that that's a that's hey no bee sting things yings and things dude i'll call the cops right now you get some yings and some chicken fingers my mom's on her way you better knock it um and they put out a hoagie tray which i went in on i got an argument too because people were like trying to pick out which hoagie i was like they're all italian what's it like is it all italian ham turkey no it wasn't the assortment it was just italian hoagies i'm like just grab the one that's closest to you you know and it

was cut into chunks you're gonna come back for another one the thing that's funny about italian hoagies is if you're a white guy you realize if you don't shower as much as you need it to you will smell like an italian hoagie yeah this one what you'll smell if it's on a tray they go light on the onions i feel like on a tray but if you go to like one of your sloppy delis oh yeah that's what you will smell like if you missed a shower oh 100 oh yeah dude but i uh my friend said he's like dude i just was watching you from afar not knowing that one to do what to do with your hands because you don't drink he's like dude i've never seen you stand cross-armed but like laughing he's like you

looked angry but happy at the same time he's like but you were just you kept eyeing up the table like waiting for the food i was the second person in line only because i looked away for a split second and another person that's some bullshit and i went to town on some beasting things uh a big old chunk of hunk of hoagie put some mayo on it love that two of those and then immediately that that food got ripped through by the whole party yeah as soon i was waiting with a plate when the lady came back who are you bro i wasn't drinking and it was so weird my brain was like you have to do something yeah i wasn't even hungry yeah yeah but it's so weird like it is crazy like doing the the stickman show it's a little

basically can shop where you go in you buy you can buy individual beers and drink them there yeah you can buy a six-pack and leave of Stickman brewery beers. Right. And so if you're standing in the back, you're just standing in front of that refrigerator. Yeah. All glass. And I was just having conversations with people and just staring at the beers. I was only four days into not drinking them. Yeah, dude.

And I'm not like a raging alcoholic, but it's like your brain just sees them and you're like, well, I'm going to get that one. And at one point, I started reaching for the door to get a beer and i'm like oh no you're not drinking this one like yeah it's just so weird you get caught up in it but it's kind of funny how most americans are casually alcoholics and we probably don't even know i've become more of one we're going long fuck it we can keep running i'm good to go rolling uh i've become more of one during the pandemic i've realized i think everybody done everybody's just like dude, it's like, it's like, it's like something that like somebody who was sober for years, like, dude, the only way I drink is if they fucking locked me in

my house and I couldn't leave. It's like, well, they did. Well, I know that was a huge problem when like the pandemic first locked everyone down and they were like, you can't go see your therapist, basically. Yeah. And so I remember like a lot of comics, the podcast i listened to from new york that are all clean and sober like i think dan soda has been sober for that was hard to say dan soda has been sober for like a decade or something he was like dude i got locked up and he's like my brain immediately was like video

games and i want to get fucked up like like holy shit like yeah so it's dangerous but i definitely i was never the like sip a drink at home on a tuesday night after work on a guy and then i became that while working from home yeah but i would like wait till it was like the five o'clock hour no i know yeah yeah everybody would kind of like hang on like but it's like i don't know yeah i go through these waves where i'll it's usually after the holidays i usually go dry january okay and then i just do where i'm like i'm not drinking there in january and someone's gonna be drinking wine i'm like well i'm not drinking beer yeah like so that's the one thing i'll say when i do these i usually don't go back to drinking beer for a while and that's what i think i need to cut out yeah it's drinking seltzers and drinking beer the nectar of the gods but

it's tough to like go say i go to a show or an open mic i can't just like if i sip one bourbon i'm gonna reek like bourbon yeah so that always runs that risk of like well i can't drive stinking like bourbon yeah so i think the answer is don't drink but probably the answer is not to drink and this is the kind of thing that i was like thinking about is like especially now after the pandemic hanging out like i go like i had like the weird inverse of like i drink with my friends and you drink with your friends you're getting happy you're there to like get belligerently drunk and just get fucked up and then like the next day you wake up and you're like damn i drank so much like i was like i felt like i couldn't even say no it's so bad then the next day i go drink with my girlfriend and we go to a brewery at 8 p.m and i have three beers and we go back to her mom's house and then we

eat ice cream and go to bed i'm like oh yeah i could just not i just stopped drinking it it's really not that bad that i realized that being at the engagement party last night that was with all my it's my it's my best friends from growing up yeah so like guys i've known my entire life and my brain i was like i can't wait to go get hammered with these guys and have fun yeah and like their wives too are all good friends like with my wife now and it was funny like in the beginning it was weird but then we just all kind of got in the moment like the motion of talking and like bullshitting around like we always have yeah and i kind of forgot halfway through no it's like oh yeah you're not even drunk yeah like it hit me i was like oh i've been i'm enjoying this so much yeah and i remember it all now which is insane like yeah yeah yeah like i didn't this

morning was pretty funny like all my friends in a group chat being like oh who's hurting the worst and i'm like i feel so bad that i feel amazing but i also just hurt because of being 35 yes and my asshole hurts eating beasting things well another i mean you and that guy sang a lot of karaoke together and yeah but uh i mean yeah i hear that i think that's an entirely valid i mean the one thing that was kind of fun to me in college is like obviously in college you're getting hammered every weekend but one weekend i couldn't drink and uh i had to do like a i had like a big it was like a oh this is annoying

i was gonna be a personal trainer so i had a personal trainer the next day so dude i was like i'm not drinking so like i had like my friends who were like my friend friends so i gotta go do push-ups to make sure i get this job can i go do push-ups and take testosterone so like my friends who are like my friends i know. I hang out with them sober. Like, they're my best friends. But then we had, like, people that we hang out with when we drink. And it's funny when you're the only sober one and you're with them and you're like, oh, I fucking hate these people. Yeah.

They're the worst. Like, the majority of the people you will realize. Well, especially when you're in college. Of course. But I think there's some social circles I can involve myself in fully sober and be like, oh, I don't like them at all. I'll say that's why, yeah. That's why I'm glad that i was with like my fucking tried and true friends yeah because i was like oh yeah sober or not like i know i'm gonna be as much of an idiot hanging out with you guys you know and and enjoy it but the not trustworthy ones you're kind of

like oh dude i didn't realize you had a lisp this so that's one of the interesting things not drinking and being at open mics or being at shows and interacting with i had a clinger uh of a guy from that stick man show i don't want to talk he might be a comic i think okay he like was staying next to me at the stick man show and then i saw him at raven and i was just kind of like standing around not talking to anybody would be very weird if he's not a comic he kind of like followed me so like i was going to check see if i can get a list and then like i was just i feel so bad now talking about this i was looking at my phone and i was reading work emails on a thursday night that you're eating but okay he just said something he was like oh is that you you gotta take like take i was like oh yeah that's

an email for work i'm already done it now i gotta read through it again oh you gotta reread it like wasn't picking up any and i felt big because i was like maybe this guy's like a newer comic and doesn't know anybody and he saw me at the stickman show yeah i think we maybe talked there for a minute or he was like talking with some i don't know yeah it was interesting so yeah it's weird to go to uh an open mic sober and uh interact with everybody like brutal it makes me realize like i run out of shit to talk about comedians really quick unless you're like dudes that you wouldn't talk to outside of comedy you realize you can only talk about like yeah that open mic sucked oh i did that show too and then you're like i don't even know yeah i'm certainly not gonna talk about dungeons like, I don't even know. I'm certainly not going to talk about Dungeons & Dragons.

I don't know anything about it. Yeah, yet. Yet? I might just sober my way into being a board game nerd. You guys seem cool. What's up with these D&D stuff? You're going to be walking by the card and board game shop down the street. And you're just going to be like, John?

I'm decked out in full wizard regalia. And I'm like, Matt, I'm actually a level 12 wizard now. I'm actually high level mage jonathan monty uh did you ever like i got i uh i had a magic the gathering deck in high school i tried to get do magic i was not smart i was like seven years old so the only reason i got a magic the gathering deck was because all my friends same reason i started playing guitar all my friends started playing guitar same yeah so i was like i'll play guitar and then all my friends at lunch got into playing playing guitar. All my friends started playing guitar. Same, yeah. So I was like, oh, I'll play guitar. And then all my friends at lunch got into playing.

Because I think I've said before, I had a weird mix of my friends from baseball, my friends from playing in a thrashy punk rock band, and then kids I grew up with. So I had almost three groups of friends. I hate to interject, but it makes me uncomfortable how similar our lives have been. Yeah, we've talked about it. Because that is the exact same thing. And like my friends that, the guys I saw last night, most of them are nerds at heart. And they were all being incredibly engulfed in magic, the gathering, during lunch. And I was just sitting there watching them play a card game.

So I was like, oh, I guess I should just get these cards. And one of my other friends, who's from the other group of friends the more i was friends with them from sports he was like i have a deck and i don't ever want to do that thing again i'll just sell you mine for like yeah 10 bucks yeah i gave him 10 bucks i still had no clue what the rules were yeah and now my friends would be getting mad at me and they wouldn't let me play because i didn't know the rules and i would also refuse to like learn the rules i'm just throwing down cards and like you can't throw that down until you have seven mana actually uh you need you also need the the gray dragon to the gold dragon be able to breathe the fire at the troll hey guys hey guys john thought you could play the golden dragon on the battlefield of the lost soldier

i'm never gonna invite you by engagement we're all frightened of women it was funny too because Hey guys, John thought you could play the golden dragon on the battlefield of the lost soldier. I'm a dork. I'm never going to invite you to my engagement party. We're all frightened of women. It was funny too because that group of friends, because of magic, linked on with the really big nerd group. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it was weird because some of those people oddly, it was all around the same time that we all started drinking and smoking weed and stuff. And some of the guys from the nerd group like trickled into that friend group. Yeah.

And it was like, oh man, you abandoned your nerd friends because you were like. You guys are drinking tonight. I want to go do that. Yeah. Drinking. Once drinking got introduced, it was like, all right, we're going to start picking our allegiances over. It was also funny to see.

I think I said it before. The one thing that unified all three of those groups was basically getting fucked up in the woods. Yeah. High school. But you got to respect that. Because you were like, were like man we gotta go get drunk somewhere all right the baseball guys are gonna hang out with the thrashy punk rock that's what it was especially when like we're all gonna share a bag of something and you're watching like you were in the same position i was where i

had different friend groups and then watching them interact i was like look at my baby boys we all do like fingering right yeah yeah it was fun when my uh sport friends got in trouble for weed possession that they bought from my nerd friends gorgeous it's like it's like the circle of life yeah that's the lion king for high school yeah that's beautiful we were woke but just to and meanwhile i was all white guys still all white all of our black friends were still like match the gatherings fucking gay

and then we're like alright I can see that that's fair what can you do dude what do we got you know what we can do we can wrap this one up this is gonna be a fun one

this was a this was a pretty hot file I got another hot cast talking cameras beautiful we're talking about roast stuff over there

um what do you got coming up dude I got a fucking roast tomorrow against Catania. I can never say your name correctly. She sent it to me, the phonetic pronunciation. Catania Mosley. Very funny. We're doing a roast against each other tomorrow.

Wednesday, Big Johnny Matzabal and myself will be at none other than the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. And if you're wondering, is Matt doing their commercials now? He is. Dude, where could you possibly be going? I go get laptops in my car. That's unlocked. It'll be stolen. That's what it is, baby.

You heard it. Matt and his roommate work for the CIA. We work for the CIA. We'll be at the Harrisburg Comedy Zone. We'll be featuring for Joe Murdoch. Me, John, Joe Murdoch. I forget the other gentleman's name, but very funny. It's going to be a good show.

Friday, I'll be doing the roast of Kristen Manguel. And then I got dates posted online. Check those puppies out. A lot of stuff in November over the next several weeks that I've said in former podcasts. So look at it. What about you there, Matzobal? I matzo ball all right can i stop you real quick my buddy zach cummer saw your aunt dory at his house today at zach cummer's house today we'll talk about that off the cast i just had to talk to a lot of people yeah there it is uh i got like you you said, this Wednesday night, Comedy Zone, Harrisburg.

The boys return into the burg. He's back, baby. That's what they're billing it as. I think it's actually billed as Comedy Showcase. And there are rumors that Shane Gillis may drop in. I just started that rumor right now. So drive out there, listeners. Figure it out.

On the 18th, I have Laughing Fish at flying fish brewery uh with jesse dram and cherry hill longer sets there i saw yeah i think i'm gonna be doing 20 minutes there which i think you and i are doing 20 on harrisburg i just found out yeah and uh on the 20th you and i will be at the castle rig winery in carlisle pa we'll be there doing dude. Doing comedy jokes. Humorous comedy jokes. Oh, yeah. I might start selling t-shirts. I'm thinking about calling it Nice Fun T-Shirts. Is NFT taken? Is that a thing? That's actually pretty fucking funny. NFTs?

Nice Fun T-Shirts? Yeah, dude. I like that. I just want the whole bit to be like, oh, is that something? Is that already a thing? Yeah. Oh, something's already called that? Oh, NFT is something? Oh, fuck. I was going to name it AIDS. Is that something? Does anybody have that? All right, can I go HIV now? Jesus. Happy inviting vehicles.

V-necks. V-necks. There it is right there. Yeah, I might start selling merch. I ordered one sample, so I think it takes like three weeks for the sample. We'll let you know in a fortnight. So, yeah, there might be merch coming up. I posted already, and some people seemed interested.

It's fun, silly tees that look serious. I got a couple buddies that were genuinely like, that was pretty sick. I just love a serious looking tee that's a real good giggle when you get in there. We're entering, we're breaking a new field. That's what it is. And that's what it does. Monte Comedy on Instagram, HacksComedyGolf. And HandsomeIdiotsPod at Instagram.biz slash geocities slash meta slash nft t-shirts

we didn't talk about fucking zuck and meta dude we're not really current event yeah we actually don't know anything about anything uh matt people's comedy on instagram uh matt people's comedy on tiktok i'm actually gonna start posting more tiktoks it's gonna be awful and let's be honest with ourselves trump won the election Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! It's Chase! Get going! Trouble, trip, present, present, beyond

Yeah, you weren't worth the soon I was almost pressing, we could lose Thank you. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,