That Rules Podcast - Episode #25: Shark Tooth Pook Dudes

Episode Date: November 16, 2021

You just gonna have to listen to find out. Do it… you won’t….. coward!

🎵 This is it. This is it. This is it. This is it. This is it. This is it. This is your version of top of the morning. Top of the morning.

Top of the morning. Well, top of the night and 9 p.m. We're here. We're doing the pod. A lot of people said, oh, I bet you they'll stop doing it. I don't even think their listener base is that good. Well, I'll tell you what. We are going to keep doing it.

Listener base is not great, but it's growing. No, it's growing. It's growing. Thank you to anyone that has told anyone about our podcast yeah we do appreciate it genuinely this is we hit the the quarter of a century mark with episode 25 episode 25 the last one yeah we agreed once we hit 25 this was it where this is the cutoff point this thing fucking sucks and we're gonna put it out of its misery last episode ever we're coming to you from matt's bunker it's's the end of the world. The bunk dog. As we know it.

Dude, we're at the... This is... From now on, this is the bunker. We're at the bunker. We can't... I don't know. I think there's a listener duo from A Boy in His Fridge podcast, which is Manny Santiago and Mike O'Donnell.

Oh, sweet boys. They refer to their podcasting as the bunker because their podcast is also supposed to be... It's the fallout of the world. Okay. And they're the last two people left was the original concept. I'm not mad at that. All right. So they're in the bunker because their podcast is also supposed to be it's uh the fallout of like the world okay and they're the last two people left was the original concept i'm not mad at that all right so they're in the bunker so you and i are in the penthouse we're actually in a penthouse oh this is the penthouse welcome to the penthouse baby that was never taken by like any you know form of media or anything was it there's no magazines named that right there's nothing after it there's no actually forms of condos or apartments and after we just came up with the

word penthouse it felt natural and here we are but uh no we're here doing the pod i'm here with johnny matzah ball after an eventful week was we uh we hit up harrisburg last wednesday we beat the dude we blew it off the mat baby doesn't exist anymore dude there was ones of people there yeah there was under 20 people were saying there's hundreds tens maybe ones of people there and that's a okay with me but we both got to rip 20 minute plus sets we had which was very fun that were very fun so shout out to those guys for getting us up there at the comedy zone yeah no very genuinely that's one of the more it's always so weird that comedy you think like your best shows are packed house and you murder.

But in reality, it's when it's enough people laugh and you get to hang out with fucking cool people. Yeah. It's really what it is. It would have sucked only getting to do 10 minutes on that show to such a small crowd. Because 20 minutes, we were able to stretch stuff out, try new stuff, fuck around a little bit. There's some new boys there. I mean, that was fun. It was a good time.

Open for Philly's funniest winner, Joe Murdoch. Joey Murdoch, the man himself. Who I think he was the reason there was a crowd. One of his friends from high school. Yeah. I think it was 11 people.

So I can't get three people to agree to like a group call. And somebody got 11 people to go to a comedy show on a Wednesday night. Then no one else wanted to go. A lot of people are calling them the Murdoch militia and they showed up in full force gotta be honest though and this is not saying anything against joe they didn't look like people that would have that look that they don't look like they're all friends i don't know how they all met each other you you hit so many octaves in that acting like joe's gonna listen to this podcast can i show you something real quick nope idiot uh dude i just can i be honest with you i just fucking embarrassed you with that i just left

okay shit all right well that was uh i'll do a solo hour pod dude that was my great throwing my voice dude i love every time you leave you're always like you always say that dude yeah it's i mean always say by matt that's my it's my closer yeah because you can't sing like me that's why everybody knows that dude singing's for the birds man what else did you get into since i've seen you last birds do sing what did i do dude i'll tell you what i had i had it was weird i barely worked this week i mixed it up i barely worked and had a lot of standy stand-ups on Monday I had a nice little fun

roast battle with Cat Mosley at the Raven Lounge which is good times a lot of fun great time actually I'll say I love

those fucking dudes over there I love those fucking guys yeah Drew Montana Drew Montana Naeem Rob Cruz

all the Alabama dudes like it's just that crew Philly crew when I first started stand-up I thought the Philly people fucking sucked montana drew montana naeem rob cruz all the alabama dude like it's just a crew i mean when i first started stand up i thought the philly people fucking sucked and now there's different people i don't know that might i'm about to cut that out but i the people there now are fucking awesome and the people who were there before if i just didn't know them i bombed it uh the trocadero upstairs my third time and i was like i don't think anybody in philly is good and i hate them all yeah you should never judge people in a comedy scene off of how they

reacted to the third time you've done stand up yeah dude but i i was at the like i was my name was in lights at the trocadero and i just bombed on my third open your name was in lights yeah i uh they oh they had a mezzanine or i i'm as he was called? The marquee? They had a marquee for all the open mic comments. No, I got pulled over on the way home, and they put the flashlight over my driver's license. He's like, oh my god, I heard you just ate a dick at the truck. They didn't get me, officer. Officer, I did this one bit where I asked everyone, do you want to see something? And then I put the mic down, and I just posed cool.

They didn't understand me. Officer, can you sit still? I'm hammered. And it feels like you're waving around a lot. He's like, sir, sit back. Get out of the car and do 15 minutes. And I did. And that's how I got out of the ticket.

It's good times. Dude, stand up to cops. I've heard the story of that before. Somebody told a cop they were a comedian. They were like, tell me a joke and I'll let you out of this ticket. I've heard something like that. Yeah. I heard it on a podcast before. I've heard something like that. Yeah.

I listen to too many podcasts. I can't remember where I heard stuff anymore. Every time I hear that kind of stuff, and especially like back when I was like... Straight. I got him. Dude, I love sucking. So back like... It's going to sound like we edited something out there.

No, I was was gonna say sucking pps but i'm a straight cool guy no i uh i always think about that when they talk about stuff when like people are like do a joke or like that i have heard that story before like a cop being like all right let's hear a joke and i do do a decent amount of crowd work no dude it's just your joke well i gotta start doing crowd work one-on-one with the cop i'm like where are you from what do you do for work he's like what this dude i'll crowd work a cop i'm not scared of that that's actually pretty funny all right crowd working cops crowd working i'll crowd work deep inside of a cop dude i'll crowd work a cop i'll crowd work and i think the key is for that you gotta have like one good quick

one-liner on hand that you always would use in that scenario because people always do like if they find out like well you're a comedian tell me a joke i can't do like a four minute setup to a punchline like i would like you know i mean i can't be like a lot of you you probably have like four or five jokes that you could do well yeah because i have a lot of like quick stuff that i just have in the middle so like the new york chats joke i could throw out there to anyone that's good that's a good that's a quick one i was just thinking like even if you did like a two or three minute bit like if you did like the on the hood of my car holding my phone as a mic here here on the hood of your car with your hands behind your back handcuffed laying against the road and you're like all right aren't gender

reveals weird the cops like you're just hitting me every good every good uh like punch you have he does like one thing to let you go a little more like he takes the cuffs off and he'll just stand up right then you get a microphone by the fifth punch and then i just have a joke about how all cops are bastards or something he's like well i wanted to let you go it's even better he takes you know the cops have like those walkie-talkies in the car that project from the outside of the car it's just like you holding into that and doing 10 minutes i always thought the the a cab the all cops are bastards thing it's so funny because it's such like a general statement if anyone made that about like any job they were like a jab all janitors are bastards it's like some of them probably are but like i'm sure there's some really good janitors

that have you know the better the greater good in mind look my cousin is a janitor and he's one of the best guys i know and it's like your cousin's on heroin that's what i hate when everyone's like oh cops are terrible i was like well my best friend's a cop and i like like him a whole lot i don't like i don't i mean that seems true for other people i don't think i know any cops yeah because your generation is a bunch of pussies i'm not part of the those young kids that just repost fucking instagram stuff on stories and like i'm such an activist i'm part of those young kids that just repost fucking Instagram stuff on stories. And like, I'm such an activist. I'm part of the generation that's like, I don't think I can buy a house till I'm 43.

Yeah. Don't buy a house. I don't want to. I get scared of my roommates trying to buy a house and I just don't want to. It just seems hard. If you're not going to have a kid, I don't see a point of buying a house is how I look at it. I don't know. For me, it's just like i i hearken back

and you know i hearken often uh they're calling you maddie harkins they're calling me i actually went to high school with a girl with the last name harkins but that's a weird thing to bring up um shout out to rebecca for harkins i'm not gonna say her first name because i've already she i mean before the end of the episode i can trick you into saying it it's a fairly white girl name but uh but mackenzie actually feels like that's close i feel like this is like a yeah i just know i can't buy a house because i fucking had beans in my garbage disposal i didn't know what to do and i couldn't just like call a land not even like not just buying a house in general luckily my uh my father-in-law is a real estate agent. So like he held our hand through the whole process.

Quit bragging. Yeah. Yeah. I'm really bragging about. Listen, my father-in-law sells houses. Hell yeah, dude. But like he held our hand and like explained everything. I still don't understand escrow.

Yeah. And apparently I owe it now. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah't know yeah i just get letters in the mail that are like yo dude you gotta throw money into this thing i'm like come on really no yeah we're gonna take your house wasn't escrow like the racist laws against back of the day yeah they're just holding like uh like liquid fashions of money and i think an escrow is uh i have no idea don't and Don't even try to learn it.

It's, I don't know. I went to school for finance. I should know so much escrow stuff, dude. They're calling me the escrow bad boy. But also, Dude, am I Jason Lee? Because I'm the escrow. I went to high school with a kid named Jason Lee

and he was not agile at all. I thought your age, you'd appreciate that joke. The crow? Yeah, I get it. Oh, dude, that's pretty solid. Honestly. I guess you could say

i killed it by leaving it blank because he got killed by blanks also much like shout out ali ali dude ali b dude we're on the hot topics guys we're reporting stuff to you that happened two weeks ago ali b put his money where his mouth is astro world dude you know when you get to work and you just want to shoot the fucking casting director in the face you know when you ever get like that no ali b is good dude he made a mistake and uh we all do and that's the only job where you can accidentally shoot somebody and they're like that's a mistake that's the crazy thing is he so whether you know he gets in trouble for it or doesn't yeah imagine him to go the rest of your life life knowing for a fact you took someone's life like there could have been a time where you

cut someone off in traffic and they ran off the road you didn't see it and they died yeah but like in front of him he watched a person die and he has to just live the rest of his life knowing yeah that he ended a life and he got away with it although i think i would start pushing the limits on everything i think you get to steal as much as you wanted oh yeah because you can't do anything worse you've already hit the pinnacle of bad things to do yeah so if you like shoplift at target it's like yeah who gives a fuck dude like yeah i mean but very honestly and this is a hot take i hope that happens to me and i'll tell you i'll tell you why john i have lived a very easy life i don't know if you can tell by everything about me but i've had very little struggle yeah you're confidently wearing purple shoes right now so i know your life has been

without any sake waki poofoo so cute dude my angst are fucking are you get blisters running vans with no socks nah i got fucking calisthenics angst cool and you know that dude i fucking work on your questions that's the first thing i told you i we met. Hi, I'm Matt. I'm six foot five and my ankles are like fucking alligator skin. Dude, my fucking ankles look like Arnold Schwarzenegger's forearm. All right, but why do you want to die by the hand of Alec Baldwin? No, I want to kill somebody. Oh. Yeah.

I thought you meant to tell you want to go out. No, I want to kill somebody by accident because, like I said, my life's been too easy. And then, you know, like, you know, back in the day, you'd meet girls and you get into deep conversations then you want to murder them they're like they're like yeah my you know my dad used to just fucking he used to put my head on like a football tee and then kick it like a field goalie like wow that's bad she's like anything with you and i'm like i had a cold for like four days and i could not shake this thing like i gotta have something better you have so you're basically you ever seen american psycho you're patrick bateman is that patrick bateman yeah he's just got like he's got it made he's got the cool apartment all the best cassette tapes because that it's so funny

watching that because it's like when cassette tapes were big it's like real dated and it's like he's like i recently got a new cassette and you're like oh that's so sad does he say that a lot throughout the movie yeah there's a well there's like a whole scene talking about uh i think it's eddie money uh the the power of love color i don't know okay uh talking about like that album he talks about a couple things it's a good movie i'd say watch it but i would like to i think you're just you're just a patrick bateman you're like one like thing setting you off away from being patrick bateman well he kills broadside Well, uh, watch. I don't want to do it. I want to do a guy. I want to murder.

I don't want to sound gay. I would love to murder a guy. You can use that as a new soundbite on any of your podcasts. I like that. That's like, I don't want to sound gay. I'd rather say I want to murder a guy. That sounds better. But no, I want to do it, dude.

I'll try it out. Just try it out. What would you be your goat? This is all again, just in case anything ever happens. This is all redacted and allegedly and this is just comedic yeah that's probably i've been fucking myself this would be in court they're like oh you never thought about murdering let's go to episode 25 of this cute podcast you had 15 years ago she's like by the way it is pretty funny and it comes out later that you're just

known as the purple shoe murderer and the only only report is like, man, you've seen running away. And the only thing we can make out was his purple Vans. Those are your murder shoes? Streaks of purple because I'm just so goddamn quick, dude. The worst shoes to run away in from a murder. It's so much pain. You have so many athletic shoes, but you choose the flattest skate shoe. Skinny jeans and Vans, dude.

Well, it's like I told you. These Nike skate shoes I wear all the time. I ran home from the bar that's right next to your house which is a mile and a half from my house one one of i hate to cut you off i would pay upwards of like four hundred dollars to have video of that entire i would so there might be video of the best part if you go to planet fitness and ask for the security camera footage i tripped on uneven sidewalk in front of Planet Fitness, did the most beautiful tuck and roll, barely cut my hands open. What are the odds I could get my hands on that? Probably pretty strong. It was directly in front of there.

If I – If you can go in there and ask for it, I'll have to look at the date. I can probably look at it from like canceled Ubers because I wanted to get an Uber, but it was like $30 because it was the peak hours. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I'll just walk home. and then as i pretty much got to like right where your apartment is just only a block from the bar yeah let's go i run this all the time i want to get home i want to go to bed i'll run it yeah and i put my phone on i think i put meek mill on on full blast in my pocket dreams and nightmares so there's something just uh just a mix and i have

a running playlist that has some meek mill on it. Wins and losses. If you're ever really starting to die out in a workout or a run, the beginning of it is all motivational speaking. And then it goes into just like verses. Oh, it's so good, dude. I love a good motivational speaker. And I'll say this. It's a black guy motivational speaker, which is way better than if you listen to Tony Robbins.

Is it the one where he's like, and the lights are cut out and nobody else? No, it Tony Robbins. Is it the one where he's like, and the lights are cut out and nobody else. No, it's not that. No, this one, it's like, you got to see it when no one else can see it. I'm getting chills right now. I know that one. That's what I'm quoting. You got to feel it.

He's like, you got to touch it when it's not tangible. Yeah, that's the one I'm talking about. And he says later in it, he was like, and people are cut out on you, and the lights are cut out. And I'm like fucking like 19 at the Rowan University gym tearing up. I just got chills from like my balls up to my throat and then back down to my balls. It's the ankles, isn't it? No, it's from saying those motivational quotes. Oh, shit, dude.

I misread that. I'll put it as the outro on this. We'll throw it in there. It's just so good. Dude, how much of white guys are we that were like, I love motivational speeches? That's such a white guy. And then I think Meek Mill's first line is like, start with oodles, now we eat lobster. Oodles and noodles, now we eat lobster.

I do know that song. And every time I listen to it, I'm like, I would love to have oodles and noodles and lobster. That's just kind of beautiful. Same time? Are you kidding me? If we're being totesy honest with one another. But yeah, that was, what got us on that topic of running? Oh, yeah, running in these shoes.

I then ended up on my street in just these flat skate shoes. Are they kill shots? No, these are SB Team Classics. Way better than kill shots. Sorry, I didn't mean to insult you there. And I at some point took my shirt off because it was like July and hot. So I'm walking on the street in just jeans, bloody hands, and no shirt. Dude, the idea of having a hard time getting your shirt off is so funny.

It's like sweaty and sticking to you a little bit. Did you ever see the super cut of how John cena takes his shirt off one-handed really quick no oh it's the best super cut ever oh you're gay if you would know it's amazing as soon as you see this guess what that's how you're gonna start taking your shirts off all right i'll google also it might ruin your t-shirt because it it involves a lot of pulling and stretching but it's one-handed i'm pretty sure i did that move or i did the cool two-handed like where like in a movie where it's like you're they're taking your shirt off for the first reveal of the guy's body except i'm covered

in my own blood on my hands out of breath walking down my street at like midnight one in the morning and i got home and i was just like i pray none and that's also there's got to be ring camera footage gotta be of me walking down with meek mill still playing in my pocket and they're just like god damn is he bumping the song from the eagles super bowl victory parade dude when i murder somebody by accident on movie set that's how i want to look and dude here's what i'll say i'll say this and i'll tell it to you when i speak it i fucking if i ever get my my godforsaken orange mitts on that security tape that's when we start a patreon because we say oh you want to see it check out the page and somehow like minor i had like a one little scrape on my hand that was it but it was bleeding

pretty good i should have smeared it on my face fucking war paint when you walk into trish but not her how far back do you think ring camera footage goes like my mom has a ring it's gotta be on the cloud right they can look up july so i just gotta find one of my neighbors and figure out which night it was well that's a weird request to make to a neighbor especially ones i don't know that well hey i know she have a ring camera on july 14th i was running sweaty and bleeding down the street is there any chance you got that shit on it was my blood don't worry you got that stuff on candid camera for me it was mostly my blood um oh geez dude you're menstruating i found some you know just some blood some local blood some local native american i don't know how i

didn't injure myself huh i don't know how i didn't injure. I got a gander. You fell. No, I tuck and roll very well. I fall a lot when I run. Dude, gravel knows no bounds. No, it wasn't even gravel. It was sidewalk. It was... Dude, sidewalk's no good. I fall so good.

I think I was telling... We went and got lunch the other day. I told Rob Cody. I fell in front of like two, three doors down from him. We didn't get lunch. Lunch is for ladies. We got an afternoon power meal. Oh, true.

Power meal. Bro power meal. In which I had four ciders for no reason yeah and i stayed sober but ah here we go speaking of injuries and sobriety i after talking about how great of a runner i am that i'm a camry last week oh boy your boy decided you know what i'm gonna start mixing in some lifting again let me do some dumbbell flies what did i do do? Dude, I'm going to... I want to hear your story. I'm going to correct you for the last time. No, they're dumbbell flies.

They're supine dumbbell flies. Show me what your arm did. Real quick. Off camera. That's a fucking lateral raise. Or it's a rear delt fly. No, this is a lateral raise. You're doing a rear delt fly.

Yeah. So this is a lateral... This is your delt fly. It's a dumbbell fly. No, a fly is when you come together and you use your chest. Yeah, I bet you it is. Yeah. Anyway.

Yeah, little boy, dude. I was doing something. Whatever it was, didn't do it right. Yeah, okay. And what happened? Because guess who woke up the next morning with like, oh, I got a little bit of back pain. A little twinge.

Cut to I spent Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday basically laying down and working. I couldn't, if I sat too long or if i stood up too long radiating pain throughout my shoulder and every day i was just like it'll be better tomorrow it'll be better tomorrow and then tomorrow it never got better or is it like that sounds like a middle it sounds like a james bond movie tomorrow it never got better that sounds like something rob cody said on the episode he was on uh true um it's so it's weird it's actually it's my rhomboid muscle i looked it up because i went to i went and got a massage that's how bad it was i was like and she like destroyed me with the third the percussion gun thing like you have yeah like destroyed my shoulder with it and the reason i

knew it was a rhomboid muscle was like i googled it on the way in yeah i was like i want to sound really intelligent and she's like what do you think it is like you know i think it's right around my rhomboid major and she was like definitely it's definitely where it is when you said that to her she you were owed her making a fart noise the entire time you spoke shut up oh so yeah she pummeled it felt great and then it came back again but finally yesterday uh yeah saturday i went to urgent care. Oh, boy. Because it was a point where, like, I had to, like, slump my shoulder down to, like, the lower. For some reason, everything in my brain and my body was just like, if your shoulder's on the ground, you're fine.

So, like, I laid down on the floor a couple times. I got out of nowhere. So I went into urgent care. Into the urge. And she's, like, asking me what it was that i told her and she's like yo you definitely just pulled something in your back you say fucking rhomboid again no i think i avoided rhomboid this time i just pointed i said this one this one no it's but i couldn't reach back because the pain yeah so and i just wanted to say like she was like okay and i'm like

can i get something for this or not yeah not a Not a big drug guy. Sure. Until I found out. So she was like, I'll give you something that's a little bit stronger than ibuprofen, but it's not like a painkiller or anything. Yeah. She's like, and I'm going to give you muscle relaxers because you're having a tough time sleeping. I was like, oh yeah, I toss and turn. Sleeping's the worst.

All Friday night because I sleep on my right shoulder. Yeah. All the time. I can't sleep on my back. Yeah. I'm not. You gotta laugh. Yeah, I'm not.

You know what it is? I'm a warrior. And we've always been furious. shoulder yeah all the time i'm not i can't sleep in my back yeah not allowed yeah i'm not you know what it is it's i'm a warrior and we've always been furious we've always been like uh trained to sleep where you can strike of course you always you always have to be able to you've always said that too you want it you want it you don't want to have your soft spots exposed yeah stomach and throat right because you never know what's happening in your i sleep with kevlar on also kevlar is my dad's name yeah uh wait your sister's name is lauren so kevin lauren there it is all those fucking idiots we just dox two people dude that wow um so yeah she gives me uh muscle relaxers which whoo doggy never not bad huh uh so i took one i was like

these things didn't do shit coma saturday night Saturday night. Last night, just on the couch, woke up at like 4.30 in the morning. No chlorozoic, shoulder felt great. Then today, this morning, this is segue into the other story I wanted to tell you about. We had a trip, a planned trip to go to the aquarium, which is two miles away from us. Hell yeah. We have passes. I got my wallet. I got my card.

I'm a card carrying member. Season long passes? Bro, you think I can't come and I got my card. I'm a card carrying member. Season long passes. You think I can't come and go in the aquarium as I please? I'm so envious, dude. I love the aquarium. 60 bucks. Get it. Is that all this for the year?

By the end of the story, you're going to get a pass because you're going to love this. For the year? Yeah. 60 for the year. Get the fuck out of here. For as much as you want. Isn't it regular to take it like 25 bucks? 30 bucks.

Yeah. What the fuck? It's the deal of the century, ladies and gents. We had this plan for like a week. We wanted to go take the baby there. Like, oh, this will be exciting. Yeah. And as we're like getting ready, my wife was like, hey, why are you going to take like a muscle relaxer so you're not in pain when you're there?

And I was like, I wasn't thinking about it. But like, hey, I'll take half of one. Your fucking kingpin wife. Yeah. I think I'll take half of one. Your fucking kingpin wife. Yeah. So cut to me and the other basically weekend custody dads at the fucking. Yeah, yeah. At the aquarium who were also pilled out.

I'm going to say this. I imagine they didn't have injuries. Do your drugs responsibly. But if you ever come across muscle relaxers and need to kill a Sunday. Yeah. Go to the aquarium. Yeah. It's going to be unbelievable.

And you can tell it's me because clearly that picture. Actually, you don't even need to get one. I can just lend this to you anytime you want to go what are you a villain in star wars that they're looking for the baby you're fucking about you're wanted that's your wanted poster yeah the work that that could be you you know i mean it really could so if you ever want to go to the aquarium without me just i think i actually could just you could i'll give you like 30 bucks if i can use that bad boy i'm sure and any listener is there anything gayer than two guys going halves on an aquarium membership i think it's actually how you propose to a guy i think that'd be beautiful you go ahead i do for better or worse for aquarium membership or not dude you're never looking to take this thing to the next level let's

do that fucking all righty like when you're at the aquarium it's already kind of disorienting looking in the tank and then turning back to reality as i felt the muscle relaxer like kick in i didn't know that like it was also like it gave you like a head high yeah because i guess usually you're sleeping when you take a muscle relaxer yeah yeah whoo i was just giddy i was giggly are you like looking weird do you think you think no i think i kept it together pretty well like because you have your baby and you look like you're happy yeah i know it's funny like so she's a little bit over one could not care less about the fucking aquarium she just want to look at all the people she was having a great time waving at people like we're at the shark tank and she's like giving people

thumbs up waving at him that's incredible and it's always because everyone like she's very you know sociable for being a coven baby so everyone's always like drawn to her like oh look so cute you love the shark she's just like ah like so we're having a great time we get through the shark tunnel touch any like this well you can touch bad boy no because the the uh the sharks you can pet and the stingrays it's like 18 inches deep they said that when you're walking up they're like they're like it's it's a lot deeper than you think because the girl is like look it goes up to my shoulder that's like running the thing and i was like yeah i have to just throw her in at this point also the sharks you can pet i'm 99 sure they're not alive or they're fake yeah because she was just like and if you look over here and i was like these things

haven't moved for like 10 minutes i'll tell you the stingrays are fake but not like they're not they're tangible but they're fake people because they killed Steve true yeah that was one of the moments too where like I think I've talked about before I love these moments where like again you're reminded why you love your significant other my wife leaned in and the lady was like and sometimes the the tigers or the tiger strikes boat whatever aren't moving and my wife and she goes because they're dead and I was just like hell yeah I love you. Dude, T-Mod's popping off. Just, I'm popping pills.

She's cracking jokes. Because it's just, your daughter doesn't know how to fish. I got like giddy. I was like cutting kids off in line to look at the hippos. Hippos are the most amazing creatures on earth. Add in being on pills. Yeah. Dude, it was me and a group of like Chicano teenagers. Sure.

I can only describe them as. All wearing, all decked out in all black. So I don't know if they were Antifa. I checked them out. Yeah, it's a weird mix. And we're all just sitting there. And it was so good. The one guy nudges the fat one.

He goes, hey, look, it's you. And he points at the hippos. And I out loud laughed. Killer bit. Killer bit. I out loud laughed and looked at him. And I was like, I gave him a nod. Yeah, dude, because you're fat, you pussy.

And the fat kid gave me a look like, fucking dude you're 50 like i'm on muscle relax so i sold him the rest of my pills that'd be great i just like the idea that like me and my girlfriend go to the aquarium that day and i see your wife and i see your kid and i'm like what's up where's john and she's like i haven't seen him forever in the shark tunnel and you just like go by in your normal clothes fucking like just swimming with a pill bottle just dumping it but like i'm diving in after the pill bottle that i dropped but no i fully understand like because people always talk about like when they hurt their back and then that's how they started their addiction yeah i i know that also we've talked about this before like i've never done cocaine and it's pretty much because i think i would be

very good at it yeah i think i would love it too much really my main reason what everyone's telling me they're like it's great and i'm like yeah but i would be the one that's like well let's do it before we go to lunch let's do it before bed like yeah yeah yeah so that same thing with this like i know that deep down in me there is an addict that would love these things that's a good way to put it so that's where like i'm like all right i need to be reasonable about this like as soon as my shoulder's done hurting and I can sleep, I'll be done taking these. Cuts of three weeks from now. We're like, all right, well, Matt's the only one doing this podcast.

John's in rehab. So John died in a multi-car pileup while he was high on muscle relaxers. So they really kicked in. You remember the aquarium. You've been there. The shark tunnel, which is the greatest part of the aquarium. That's where I would see you swimming by. That was where it

really kicked in yeah i did not want to leave that tunnel yeah i was in heaven i was just like oh my god there's another one just sitting there indian style yeah i got so into sharks for like i was googling like facts on sharks and stuff shark boy dude you're shark boy i'm lava girl bro there it is it's a little faster time but it's all right on it's pretty cool too because on the walls of like the shark exhibit they have uh different things like they'll be like the san jose sharks name their themselves after this the canyon river sharks after this type of shark and then the one thing is a shark is a wrestler who's actually named shark boy yeah who if you listen this i think he does but check out uh I almost said Ian Fidance, Strong Words with Ian Strong, a podcast I was on.

He was, I think, Sharkboy's tag team partner when he used to wrestle. So I pointed that out to my wife and she's like, I don't care. Yeah, that's right. It was a pretty cool indie wrestling thing. But yeah, it kicked in in the tunnel. And then if you want to ask how excited I got about it. Well, let me ask you, how excited did you get about this? If you really want to know. Okay, please, dude. Please. If you really want to ask how excited i got about well let me ask you how excited did you get about this if you really want to know okay please dude please really want to know i'm about to blow on you dude your dirty beans dude did i just pull out a poop oh my god oh my god oh my

god dude what the fuck yes oh my god dude and for context ladies and gentlemen i'm gonna let matt explain what he just saw oh my god dude well you know how we always joke around say this is the last fucking episode yeah it's not a joke anymore dude this motherfucker looks like every love interest in every surf movie on disney now explain why because he's wearing a buka shell necklace with a shark tail. It's Buka. It's Buka with a P. Dude, you don't get to wear it and tell me things anymore. I invested in one today.

You don't talk, you fucking listen. You're going to be wearing one like that too. You got me. Guess who got a two for one deal on Buka shell shark necklaces. Fuck you, dude. While he was on pills dude well picture this image it's me spinning a necklace display around trying to pick out the right necklace now you gotta unhook it don't break that thing it's a real it's an on there it says

either five to sixty million years old one of the two is fucking the most unbelievable let me see if it says puka or buka i am in genuine with a p dude a lot of people before the podcast john and i usually like talk shit kick around for like a half an hour how hard it was to keep this thing tucked in my shirt dude i'm having i'm telling him stories i'm confiding in him about funny things and he's got a book or a poop whatever the case may be tucked under his dumb fucking shirt and i'm putting on one too right now and guess what we're doing i've never felt more powerful than when this necklace got around my neck all right let me try i turned into megalajon as soon as this dude something like this

is this might have to make us start getting video this is one of the greater moments in human history so now picture this this this scene i'm gonna paint for you we walk through the gift shop and we're not gonna buy anything the baby doesn't need anything dan do we have matching puka shell nervous god damn right um so we're walking through there and there's nothing with like the baby's name on it so we're like all right let's just get going and then she's at the exit with the baby and i'm spinning this was right after the the muscle relaxer really kicked in yeah yeah yeah i'm spinning and giggling at the spinning the display of necklaces looking for the right ones of course

because some of them were like 40 bucks how much what how much are these like six dollars each but the funny thing was there was like children and tweens that also wanted to get these necklaces and i was just hoarding the display and they're just like can he move and i looked over and my wife and beautiful daughter are sitting there and i'm like i think i'm gonna get one for matt too i can't believe it dude it's so funny because then i said i was like do you want one and she's like no oh my god dude and then she because mine has some yellow beads on it she goes i can't believe you got a yellow one i was like that's what you can't believe about this scenario not that i'm gonna wear this every day and also buying one for my friend friend. There's so many issues with this.

So I'm checking out and giggling to myself. Holy shit, dude. I kept that in the pocket ready to go. So yeah, so we're officially Shark Tooth Networks, guys. I mean, this is my favorite bit of the podcast. This is about as good as it gets. It might be the most powerful move in the history of jewelry. That was something the fuck else.

That is unbelievable. I wanted to try to bait you in even deeper to just shit on it but i couldn't not give you your gift i could dude so that's your birthday christmas and hanukkah an incredible gift it is one of the funnier things in human history this is so gay and i mean that not as like oh it's gay it's dumb i mean it's like two men having sex with one another gay and it's funny as fuck imagine if two gay guys were having sex and they got their puka shell necklaces stuck together dude imagine if we warm and at the comedy zone and i go up and they're like is this fucking guy wearing a puka shell necklace and then you go up

too and they're like what the fuck is going on here's the thing if one person's wearing i'm like that's stupid i'd like to think if two people ran them somewhere somebody's like dude did i not know that puka shell shark knuckles is back in dude because especially out there where the city boys everything comes full circle every style every fashion comes full circle so i mean the night the early 2000s fashion is very popular with the the billy eilish type crowd you might be onto something so i think if we go back to late 90s yeah we just get some visors visors and pooks dude honestly you might be the next tom ford i think this is pooks for the kooks are we doing this dude this is un the fuck real and i think that's a good point too i think like we talked about fashion or whatever is so ironic

it's unironic i mean if you think i haven't been thinking of uh shark tooth puns my whole day you're wrong i'll just say i mean you gotta that's the name of the episode listen it blew my brains out much like john wilkes tooth oh no he didn't dude there it is but yeah he did but no this is so this is so nice where do you go from here i don't know we talk about this fucking keep talking about we just look at the origins of poopy shell necklaces i'm glad you're saying puka now because you realize how dumb you are by saying no you're dumb you're on it hold on say stuff while i look this bull so it's weird i i love like looking back on the things that were trendy like i had any time i went down the shore when i was a kid i'd be like i need

a puka shell and i need a hemp necklace and then i remember like hemp necklaces were supposed to be like you tied them on so they couldn't come off it's immediately and of course it's puka because that's what it is and it's never been but now it's puka to me so actually my shark tooth from italy it's actually a gold horn this is actually the Italian shark, which is just my uncle's nickname. So my new thing I want to do is anytime I'm on pills and somewhere, I'm going to keep buying different pendants for these. Like, yeah, make it like a fucking – Like an Alex and Annie bracelet that you got for your mom.

Just charms. Yeah, dude. But they're all just shark teeth. Her teeth. Dude, that's like my neighbor's son who was like 55 fell off a ladder and got hooked on pain pills and died of a massive heart attack yeah but uh so i think you know what i could do i could drill a hole in all of the uh muscle relaxers and then put them on the necklace and i just eat them off of the poop like a candy necklace fuck i'm a poop a pill necklace so i'm

totally realizing as we're talking about this we just we stole this whole idea from a listener and a friend of mine rob my best man at my wedding he bought a shark tooth necklace i'm pretty sure like down the shore somewhat recently but he meant it and i think he was just like gonna lean into it and it's so good if you're gonna do something totally stupid yeah yeah lean into it is he a bit guy like this is a real bit yeah he's also the guy who's always like i'm gonna do stand-up like just try it like i try it out but it's but yeah damn you're bad i made all my friends do stand up you gotta make your friends i tried he always don't call me with bits oh listen to this and then he'll call me with a bit at some point i've listened to it i'll be like cool go do it out of mic bring him well you know where he should come this on matt's face all over my

face and all over my pugashaw netlick netless netless hmm chicklets little do you know about pugashaw knuckles is they can they actually repel uh semen repel gay they actually repel uh women also yeah they get none of those yeah some young ladies though man we would have crushed it in wildwood in 98 though with these pooks dude if i was two years old and fucking wild at that point i'd be lighting it up dude if i got if i got a shark tooth around my neck i got your bitch with my arm around her and i feel like we need to be carrying boogie boards everywhere we go now i already do so that's fine especially when it's a little wet outside i kind of hit a puddle every once in a while my hands just stuck in the shocker thing now but it helps with measuring things it's

talking the shocker thing now but it helps with measuring things it's about also like you want to mind calling somebody again all visual gags we're doing here you guys would love how this would look but yeah pook necklaces get into it guys write into us with your your pook stories pook stories yeah tell us about your pooks and uh i guess we'll talk about we're not plugging yet because we got no we're no we're not i just want but yeah the open plugging yet because we got... No, we're not. The open mic. We're back, dude. High note humor open mic at the tap room. We're fucking back at the OG... I'm not going to lie to you.

I don't want to... I have a show that night because I'm better than you guys. We're not going to lie to you. You're not on the list. I am the list. From now on, we don't do lists. You guys write on my naked body. It just says mad people a bunch of times on a piece of paper so when people keep going to check when they're up i'm just butt naked laying on the table and they have to like look at the name on there and it's all tattoos they can never go away and that's how committed i am to stand up

but i'm the same color as a piece of paper so that's perfect uh actually i have an orange tint so why don't you think before you speak to some papers they're calling me the shattered backboards of people and you don't understand that reference because it's about shoes, and it's not even that funny. However, I cannot believe we're both wearing these fucking necklaces. This is so unbelievable. I can't even mentally get past that thing. I think you got it.

I got so excited when I saw it. I was like, I could get two of these? I can tell because that's like an end of the podcast bit, and you got so excited. I couldn't hold it on anymore. And I don't blame you. I was just looking for a segue somehow. I was like, injury, pills, necklace. Yeah, dude.

And like I said, my neighbor's son who was 55 fell off a ladder and he died of a massive heart attack. Happy birthday in heaven to him. I don't even – I don't really like him. You know what? He would have lived if he had a puka shell. He moved slow because he was addicted to pain pills. This is – I don't even – but uh please not listen well several of his relatives that i'm still family friends with might be but they're not uh so we're going back to high note we're going back to the tap

room on wednesdays dude the 17th for now it is once a month well yeah we gotta prove ourselves again which you know what that's fine we. We got to earn our keep. Sometimes in this life, you got to prove yourself. Well, you haven't, but I haven't because I just keep dominating. I'm very, I'm like, I'm played the moment in my head

because what's the deal? I have a show at 7.30, the mic starts at 8, so I'm hoping I can get there around like 9, 9.30 and like it'll still be going on. But I don't know what it is and I guess i've more realized it as i've it's been this long i fucking love that room i love all those people i missed it because right before the pandemic started i was traveling for work and i was away for like two weeks so like obviously you missed it when the pandemic started but i also missed like two weeks prior and a week before because i couldn't go for whatever reason yeah i haven't been there since like beginning of february 2020 and it is where i consider that i started stand-up it's my favorite

room it's like great boneless wings great boneless wings fucking hot male bartenders dude that we love that true there's big folks big mike bob's a manager now is he yeah that's how we got it back bob was like the 40 50 year old guy yeah like spiky ish hair the best yeah good dude he's a local guy good feller he might listen to this i don't know he likes a lot of stuff on instagram so if you are he's uh mr bob the stickers that you may see around here it's an old school thing so mr bob is the name of like a uh port-a-potty rental yeah so he started doing this like thing where he would just put like toilets into different scenarios yeah yeah so like there's a friday the 13th toilet that has like a knife in his hand a plunger in the other

one that's awesome and they actually the coffee shop i go to they he lays them out for free so i take like he does new ones every month so the stool in my garage has just like a leg that is just all mr. Bob stickers. Oh my God. I didn't even know any of this. It's pretty cool. I think I have one in my car. I'll show you.

I love Bob even more. Yeah. That was the best. I think he gave me a free drink a couple of times. Great guy. There it is. He's a manager now, so you can't give out more free drinks. But you don't know unless you come to the open mic.

It is a great room. It's a perfect room for comedy. It is. Because it's a low ceiling. It's lit very well for an open mic the whole crowd's dark just a light on the stage yeah there's music between every comic yep which is huge you don't realize that until you don't have it like raven has that which is awesome like it's just a good interlude because it's a very awkward silence because especially an open mic like everyone doesn't

want to clap the whole freaking time you're there when you're on the 30th comic it's like right i can't but it's like it's actually good that since you mentioned it it probably is like the raven of south jersey like it is yeah i mean i don't really know a lot about like egg harvard like what the comedy scene is like fucking damn sure i'm sure atlantic city has some cool shit yeah but uh i just i'm very proud of the room i think it's great room yeah we do a nice job and everybody there cares about it being a good yeah that's the thing it's a great room. Yeah. I think we do a nice job. And everybody there cares about it being a good. Yeah. That's the thing that's nice too is the Hino team, for any listener, it's like a seven-person team that runs that.

So it's like, it is good because it's like if you can't make it one night, someone will step up and kind of take over. Hosting is split between two comics usually. So you're not burnt out, which is awesome because having to host an entire mic, like i can't imagine ever having like for like a 40 person open mic by yourself just hosting it screw that and there's no way i mean so yeah split up it's good like i said the boot the pooks i stabbed myself with it earlier yeah i kind of felt the the the the sting of the end i also think we should bring back v-necks with them. So deep Vs and poop necks. Dude, I used to rock a deep V back in the day. And you probably knew that.

I had a V-neck on because I had an undershirt. You shamed me for this. I like a V-neck undershirt because I used to wear them under dress shirts all the time. And you said it has to be a crew neck, which is horseshit. Nah, dude. You're an old man. So I had a V-neck on under my hoodie today. So when I took off the hoodie, I was just walking around my house in a white V-neck and a shark tooth necklace just lording over my family i was like that's right

dude daddy's home like you're selling fried oreos in wildwood new jersey baby as the lord intended it this is the makeup for i did want to get airbrush stuffed when i was in uh wildwood handsome idiots airbrush merch he's sbrush merch and I buckled on that and didn't get it because I didn't my last day there I was like I don't want to go

all the way to the boardwalk and spend $50 for a t-shirt for Matt well you already spent more money on me than I probably spent on you

in our entire friendship listen you know what it's probably just because I'm a good friend and you're a piece of shit I'm a solid 4 out of 10 friend I've come to grips with that

but so bad as I get older I realize how much and you're a piece of shit. I'm a solid four out of ten friend. I've come to grips with that. That's so bad. As I get older, I realize how much more... I love doing stuff for my friends now. I never was that way until I was in my 30s. And I'll actually say one of the things that...

I reference this all the time on here, but Dad Meat, that podcast is just all about basically rising up your friends and everyone around you yeah and not focusing on yourself yeah just thinking that like putting it into comedy or into anything like put others before i never was that way until i was in my 30s and now more like having a kid yeah it's like i love seeing other people succeed at shit yeah and then like that gets but it's also like i guess

there is some selfishness in there where i'm like if i help this person succeed at something they may also help me or it might you know are you alluding to me becoming a headliner and you get well yeah when you're a headliner legally it was on the first episode we signed the contract in blood that i had on my hands from when i fell that if and when and vice versa and vice versa by the way i should have stressed that initially but now I get what you're saying yeah I'm not gonna be a headliner I don't get that but uh I get what you're saying and I think I've noticed it more as I'm getting older like back when you were like this make this is weird to think about but like when I was last time I was

at high note I was 23 that's very weird 25 now wow yeah it's fucking weird that's crazy that's I mean I was like that's a good they throw out that stat that they're like it's the last time that uh a kid a third grader had a full year of school they were in kindergarten yeah that's the weirdest shit that yeah i mean i was like six months out of college wow that's fucking weird that's insane yeah that makes me uncomfortable i also feel weird about myself and i became friends with a kid that was six i mean you haven't last time you were at high school? You graduated college at 23? How fucking dumb were you? No, idiot. Okay, dude. Six months prior, I was 22.

Are you really old for your grade? No, I'm young for my grade. My birthday is... So I turned 22 in April of 2018. I guess it makes sense. I graduated cum laude. I was cumming so loud there, dude. Graduated cums barely.

Am I right? Zach Cummer. Well. But I had something I wanted to. Friends as you get older? Yeah, dude. Like, this will be our only gay moment of the pod. But my friend had a baby.

And then I love his baby with barely knowing it. And I was like, oh, I love his baby because I love him. And then I'm like, I want to do nice stuff for the baby. It's nice for him. You start to just get that feeling. It's so weird with a kid too. My wife and I talk about the second our kid was born, I was like, how do I love this thing and I don't know this thing at all?

Dude, I showed my parents pictures. That's actually weird. I showed pictures of your kid to my parents. I showed pictures of my buddy's kid to my parents i showed pictures of just any random kids i see and i take pictures of my kids i abduct like any kind of kid i'll do anything i can get my hands on but uh yeah dude it is it's it's funny too because like i'm sure your parents like there's gonna become a point where you're showing them like pictures of other people's kids and then they're like hey matt what are you just gonna have well

it's good you said because luckily my sister's been married for a year and a half now and she's 27 and they're more like hey they're a big dog i hate that shit i hate when everyone's like because now everyone's like when's number two coming i'm like fuck you i don't know no yeah yeah i mean my parents don't really give they would let my dad i think is kind of just like i'm done really with life i don't know parenting you fuck up no i think he would like to have but he's not the uh like what's going my mom is very much like like my parents babysit it's the weirdest dynamic my parents babysit my aunt's ex-husband's kids with his new wife like he comes to like he's the greatest guy he got such a trash south jersey dude it's so great it's so great dude he he comes to like, he's the greatest guy. He comes to family parties. That's such a trash South Jersey. Dude, it's so great.

It's so great, dude. He comes to like, he was at like a recent family party, him and his wife and his kids. Doesn't it suck when a family member gets divorced, but you really loved that dude? Like my cousin's first husband was the fucking man. He used to take me to Flyers games. He was awesome. He used to give me free hockey equipment. Yeah.

And they divorced. And I was like, can I like take his side? No, I know. My family was my family was basically like yeah no we really like him we're just gonna keep him that's awesome yeah it's sick dude he's the best i hate to do this can i go piss real quick take a hot piss tingle pants maddie is done pissing dude i piss like chickens frying in there, dude. I wonder if back sweat is a symptom or a side effect of the muscle relaxers, because I am soaked. I think I'm, well, first of all, I think I have brain cancer. And I think my body is failing me. I have, I'll tell you right now what's going on inside of me. I've had, my eyes have been fucked up for four months, although they're kind of pretty good right now dude i have a toothache it's the power that you have shark powers now you know good

vision sharks have i don't know if they do or not i cannot lay on my back apparently sharks can't go on their back or they get they go to hell yeah that's why i can't lay on my back because dude gotta lay on my side dude it's all coming up johnny monster at this point but i have brain cancer or a tumor i'm not entirely sure and i have a toothache and what else do we have uh oh my armpit's sweating now a lot i don't know if that's related just out of nowhere sometimes i'm just chilling at the house and i wake up and i'm like i got a sweaty i have a sweaty pit right now i have one too i'm a sweaty boy i never never really was like that. I guess you just change as you get older. You got to stop using deodorants with aluminum in them. Yeah.

But aluminum is also what makes you not sweat. It's like what the antiperspirant part is. So it's like you have to either – because I bought one that had no aluminum in it. It smells great. But it's like I smell great but I can't wear a gray t-shirt ever again. And apparently I think like aluminum and then also like antiperspirant is just like no good yeah it's no good it just makes you maybe not sweat but it's it's it's like bad in terms of like it's bad for your like glands or something

you can get your like sweat duct or gland or whatever removed i worked with somebody that got theirs removed before that's i mean i think don't sweat out of your pits i know there's people who have like they're hyper sweaty like yeah i can see i had a friend in high school had medicated uh deodorant because he sweat so much and he had to put work yeah don't tell anyone that in high school either because you're just gonna get ridiculed for it i did dude he was like bragging about he's like man i sweat so much they didn't give me prescriptions that hard yeah i'm actually not mad i used to get jealous of like uh the older urban or sorry

the older uh black gentleman at the YMCA cause they would when we played basketball they would sweat so hard that it was like from the back of their

you would get jealous cause I was like they're working harder than they do you know it is yeah you you look at it and you're like

that's what they look like in the NBA cause like back before moisture wicking was a thing yeah yeah yeah and you could see the sweat on their uniforms dude by the way the way uniforms used to be it was like fucking nylon oh yeah

you had to wear an undershirt or else your nipples would fall i can't imagine what it was like and then like the shine yeah the shine like this i'm thinking like the six years old black jerseys that it was like reflective yeah shine they call it was like they didn't have a name for the material just called shine and then like the the stitching around like where the the shirt would end was probably uncomfortable dude unreal dude those were the jerseys when i was in actually in high school too i posted a picture on instagram before my freshman basketball picture we would get the hand-me-down so i was like probably 110 pounds 510 at the time yeah with. With shorts like way past the 80s. Because they were like a seniors hand-me-down.

And then we wore black socks that met the shorts. Oh yeah. I looked like the professor. Dude, and one mixtape shorts. Yeah.

Just lighting them up. Just sitting on the bench because I never got in. Yeah. And like constantly having to fix your jumper. People are saying I was the best eight man in the

league. I've heard those rumors. A lot of people are saying you're some of the better eight men in the league. But i've had i've heard those rumors a lot of people are saying you're some of the better eight men in the uh in the league but uh yeah so i do have brinkance oh yeah you're dying that'd be good for my career stand-up wise though if i get either i murder somebody we just shave your head totally and your eyebrows and just tell people you have i think you think you can pull off a bald head i think you got a decent head shape i know i can't

no i have the one of the worst shaped heads of all time like i have to get this haircut i make the joke i think i used to do a joke about it that it's a prescription haircut yeah it's a purely cosmetic haircut this is not over the counter no this is this is so that i have a doctor's note for it and they're like just they in the bad doctor curse if they just wrote fucking asshole. And that's what I'm supposed to be described. Says fuck boy. I go to CVS and I get a fade.

I want to talk about that. Go on. No, no. This is I had nothing. Good. So I told you about how I started cutting my own hair to save money. And to what you said, pretty good job, right? I was doing it.

I need to do one now it is i'm due for one i got a dm from my barber uh saturday night last night when i was all fucking whacked out on muscle relaxers and he was just like hey do i gotta become a comedian to see you these days wow and you could tell he's probably like doing it and i'm sure like every once in a while they do like a – kind of like a – I don't know. I can't think of the word. An audit on like, oh, where's our client base? Yeah. Old clients who hasn't been in.

And he's like, are you just not coming to get your haircut anymore? And he's like, I miss our conversations, which we did have good conversations. I was like – There is a real connection with the barber. But I was like, also, you just missed my money. Of course, yeah. And I was like, oh, actually – and I was just flat out honest with him i was like i'll be honest with you i wanted to cut back i was like it was becoming an expense that i thought i could counterbalance by i just

bought my own stuff and i learned how to cut and i was like i actually really enjoy cutting it myself yeah i do like the process it's pretty cool and i was like but inevitably one time i'm gonna fuck it up and i'll probably come in then yeah have you guys fix it left me on red oh my god dude what a good dude still a good dude and i you know i want to maintain the friendship because i don't know but now that i own my own clippers i want to grow my hair out but now i feel like i can't because i own my own clippers yeah no you can't i mean you're people are all that my hair girl i don't know i miss it we did it happened during the pan diesel and i did not like it i look like fucking uh it's the middle stage we talked about last podcast you got to get through i i think i'm pushing through

the weird middle stages of beard grow out now damn maybe it will grow it out for the winter i kind of want to shave it i want to shave like have a like a fade but have like a buzz on top and just start from the fucking from the bare that'll take so long to. Yeah, maybe I won't do anything like that at all, actually. I think you're better off just growing from where you're at because then when it starts, nah, that's going to be weird. But I like, I see these cute little boys the way these hot, sexy little guys. Jesus Christ. Like 20-year-olds, 19-year-olds, dude.

No. The TikTok kids. Fuck them. They all dump. Dude, mullets are cool again. Yeah, I could do a mullet. Fuck off. I could do a mullet. The mullet thing is total. It's, but they all dump dude mullets are cool again yeah i could fuck off i could do them all the thing is total it's but they're douche mullets they're mullets with like fates i so some asshole just how no like a good early 90s mullet like the phillies from 93 all had killer flow mullets with shaved on the side i told you i was all on board with mullets

until i went to that bar we mentioned before it's right next to your house yeah and i was hammered this was that night that i ran home i walked by some guy with a mullet i was like hey nice mullet and i think he thought i was trying to be a dick yeah and he's like oh yeah is it and i was like well it fucking is but if you're gonna be a prick you don't get to have that haircut and not yeah anticipate people you gotta be the fucking cool guy at the bar if you have that you gotta be ready to be if you have that haircut you have to be ready to do a shot at any moment that's offered to you yep you have to you can't turn down being at the bar right so like i don't think i could have that haircut and just be a dad you're no longer connor you're now the guy with the mole con man you're the fucking you're joe connor joe

dirt yeah also just don't be named connor that's yeah connor's a rough name to be it's funny names that are kids names that are okay but then like i wouldn't if i went to a doctor and he's like hey i'm dr connor yeah connor jenkins and you're like i don't know if we talked about this before but there are names that i can't picture like a 70 like i can't picture like 70 year old britney yeah like that's so odd kyle canane's got a bit about that he says like you don't see an old kyle we all die in in uh snow we have to talk about this then i couldn't game related uh accidents yeah yeah yeah we gotta talk about that dude i mean but that's gonna that's gonna be weird there's gonna be old people there's gonna be like somebody named like apple like george foreman named all five of his sons george yeah you know what i mean and like

you think about i've heard that. Well, people were like, oh, I guess George is silly. Like, we didn't know what CTE was back then. I know. It's like crazy. I've heard that. When it finally came time. I've heard that like a lot.

Yeah. When it finally came time to name his kids, they were like, what's that name I remember? All right, George. And then they're like, call up QVC. I got a killer name for a grill. You really have hung out with me too much. Too much, dude. Way too much, dude.

If you like that and you like it being told slightly slower but pretty much the same come out to high note humor because i don't have any new material no it's gonna be funny is i think the material i was doing when high note closed down i think i'm still doing the same material just more refined yeah i got more tags to it yeah so now i'm not nervous but like am i gonna go in there and just riff all new shit i don't know we'll see i also want to host i call dibs dibs who dibs on the second half if listeners uh if anyone from high notes listening i called dibs on it i guess i can't also i have the equipment so if you don't let me host there's no mic

yeah i'm going home i'm gonna hold this going home dude i'm holding this mic hostage i'm not mad at that i'm the host now i'll get it yeah dude remote is look at me look at me i am the host now damn flawless i don't even seen that movie i've just seen that clip i've seen that part and i've seen the one where they're like you know it was a real emt who was like helping him at the ever see the part where like he gets rescued and then he's sitting in the car and the woman who's like a boat EMT I don't know what the fuck I'm calling her

a boat broad is what I call her a BMT, that's what they sell at Subway I couldn't recognize her outside of the kitchen but I, that's a lazy misogynist joke and I love women and I respect them dude, we're pro women I just cannot stop hitting them but now we're good so i uh there's a part where like he after he gets rescued he's on a like the rescue boat or whatever and there's a woman who's like a like an emt or whatever and

she's like addressing his wounds and she's like all right can you tell me what happened she's addressing his wounds or dressing his wounds she's like yep you got one there and you got one there and you're going there i'm done with boat emt and you got one there. I'm done with boat EMT job. Bye. You know that or I'm saying dressing, but like I'm in fucking Southern Baptist Church. I'm addressing all his wounds there, sweetheart. Southern Baptist. Remember, they were the people who used to...

Don't get off topic. What did she do? Yeah, this is not even that good of a story. It's clearly important. She does it, and she's like taking care of him, but she wasn't an actress. She was an actual EMT. she wasn't an actress she was an actual emt and they were pretending like she was treating somebody that she'd be treating in real life so the acting seems incredible so she doesn't even know she's not an actress she is an actual emt i thought you were saying like they tricked her and they were just like this guy's actually

no no it was tom hanks ignoring the camera i never knew that okay so it's like it looks real so you you you're watching like she's a Okay, so it's like, it looks real. So you're watching, like, she's a great actress. And it's like, no, she's literally doing her real job. Damn, so that just goes to show you that actors and actresses suck. Suck, dude. Just hire real people. Yeah.

Dude, Ben Affleck, the autistic accountant. There's tons of autistic accountants. Just find one of them. Yeah, just find an accountant. That's a good point, yeah. I don't know. A lot of account accounts are a little and the accountant sounds racist my and accountant don't want none anyway what do you what do you got coming up there smatty people who gives a fuck dude patty meeples i uh no i do have uh some fun hot local giggly dudes coming in this friday i'm gonna be at the 1720 club or bar or

whatever in chow font pennsylvania that's a cricket show i think it's chow font you don't want to look like an idiot when you're there yeah i care about those people's opinions those fucking 17th idiots i'm gonna do great there um but yeah i'll be uh this friday i'll be at the 1720 and then the sunday i'll be at devil's creek brewery in collingswood that'll be fun uh december 9th i believe i'm doing a show with the homies oh by the way shout out rob stant uh came in third place i saw that in his competition and got passed at standard new york that's awesome fucking incredible taking the bronze all the way to the top baby the kid deserves it he's funny sweet boy and sweetest of boys sweetest little boy uh but then we have the december 9th i will be hosting oh great i'll be host i actually didn't realize

that until i saw this i'll be hosting at the belfonte brewing company in wilmington delaware that's run by the homies jim kelly andant. That'll be a lot of fun. There's Romy Rosers on there, Gary Sharp, Ryan Foster. And then sometime in January I'll be at the Poconos doing some fun stuff with Gary Sharp.

And if you know anything about the Poconos and Matt, he's got a great track. There's other stuff, but who cares? I got this. So 17th, the high note might come out, guys.

I think it's 7.30 sign up, 8 o'clock start. Yep. The list is not going in think it's 7.30 sign up, 8 o'clock start. Yep. The list is not going in order. 7 o'clock sign up, 8 o'clock start. Oh, we're going to get a whole hour in there. All right, cool. That's how it was.

Yeah. It's always been like that. Okay. I don't know. Yeah. Yeah. But you know where it is. If you don't, look it up.

Yeah. The next night on the 18th, I'll be at a Laughing Fish show, Mr. Jesse Dram show at Flying Fish Brewery. Yeah. I'll be at Laughing Fish show. Mr. Jesse Dram show at Flying Fish Brewery. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That'll be fun. And then you and I on the 20th, if you're still in,

we're going to Castle Rig Winery. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course. Castle Rig Winery out in Carthage Saturday. Am I?

Oh, you're right. The day before your... Damn, I'm doing a lot of standees. Look at you being all standee boy, dude. And Carl LPA, you're not going to come to it, but it'll be fun. It'll be good. We'll tell you how it was.

It'll be a good story. Bye. Oh, yeah. Montague Comedy on Instagram. Hacks Comedy Golf. Joe Biden, make the Taliban great again. Joe Biden 2020. If he makes it.

Good riddance. Matt Peoples Comedy and Sm smat meeples on and fat meatballs yeah twinker i'm on twinker look me up i have an only fans where i just show you photos of my dad and that's it check it out dude okay bye you have to eat the dream you have to sleep the dream you have to dream the dream. You have to sleep the dream. You have to dream the dream. You gotta touch. You have to see it when nobody else sees it. You have to feel it when it's not tangible. You have to believe it when you cannot see it.

You gotta be possessed with the dream. The dream. Yeah. And he well performed against the shout out brass. Young niggas well-performed against the shout-out brass. Young niggas started with ooze and noodles, now we eating laps. Ah.