That Rules Podcast - Episode #26: Half Day Borrowed Valor

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

DISCIPLINE: Engineered for anyone who wants to get after it in life. Pre-meeting, pre-testing, pre-negotiation, pre-mission. If you’re looking for an extra cognitive or physical edge, Discipline energy supplement is your force multiplier. FOCUS, ENERGY, MEMORY, & CLARITY: Discipline GO is an energizing nootropic formulated to give you the energy you need to push through. It is crafted in a synergistic manner to help support cerebral blood flow and protect brain cells and neurons. SCIENTIFICALLY FORMULATED: Discipline GO was born through many hours of research, development, and testing. Blended with the perfect amount of each ingredient, this world-class formula offers a combo punch of support for any cognitive performance. SUGAR-FREE MONK FRUIT: With 95mg of caffeine and zero sugar, the keto-friendly Discipline GO will give a physical and cognitive boost without the crash that you experience with average energy drinks.

🎵 WKP 5-2 in the morning coming at you with Big Red and the Jogger. Episode 26 of the Handsome Idiot Sponicast. We've got Traffic traffic on the twos weather on the 69s anyway here's our first segment what's your mom sitting on i've been listening to a lot of morning radio what's your mom sitting on we're going down a local traffic katie take it away katie what's she sitting on colleen tell us what's the weirdest thing your mom ever sat on and what you're ever gonna make her sit on anyway colleen it looks like your mother got a sculpted dildo of your late father's penis back to you james i love that we're making fun of

it but like in 20 years someone's gonna be like i have a podcast like making fun of us yeah we're multi-billionaires who have make love to kim kardashian from a lawsuit because someone else used handsome idiots and we were just like listen you have quadruple our followers but we had a first so he came up with us monies that's true we should warn people that handsome idiots is trademarked and we'll come after you and your kids one of your kids we should have uh we should have named it like the coca-cola happy fun time hour and then like eventually when they try to come up with that, they like – we have to like first off, we've registered this podcast anywhere other than Apple, iPod. I can't talk. I'm gay.

That's what that is. Yeah, have it like something like the Bud Light Story Hour. It's just like Bud Light Marketing one day calls us and they're like, hey, we'll give you guys, I don't know, a case of beer and $800. And just keep changing it. Yeah, keep changing our name. Well, initially we were going to call it the Joe Rogan experience, but that just didn't quite fit what we were looking for. Didn't we talk about that the one episode? Just spell Rogan differently?

Yeah, we could. Like R-O-G-E-N. It's a whole different thing. It's a whole different experience. We're not giving the same thing that Joey Rogan is giving. We're going to tell you about his experience that he had. Remember that one time when Joe Rogues... It was just us opening about our feelings.

My experience... That happens now, though. There are podcasts that are dedicated to talking about podcasts, which is some fucking insane Inception level shit. Yeah, that's crazy. There's the Legion of Skanks. There's a spinoff. It's two girls. Over Zoom, it's called Skank Skanks.

Yeah. And they just talk about the most recent episode, and they have like hundreds of thousands of listeners. That is absurd. That makes me want to pee. An angry pee. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you're really...

The stream is just aggressive. I had a lot of angry pees in college. They're a big dog. Do you just call them angry pees because they burn so much? Yeah, that's called chlamydia that's what i'm referencing here hey you guys know when your dick's real mad people are like you have an std it's got red it's it smells it's got no no no it's like you got on a thursday night you wake up and your dick's just mad at you yeah you know like you pee cloudy you know you guys know what i'm

talking about are you guys being weirdos about this dude dude i should have gave out more wedgies in college you ever give a kid a wedgie. I had a younger cousin who was basically like my little brother. I mean, I had to have given him a wedgie at some point. Yeah, I think I did too. It sucked too because then he grew up and went to the Marines and came back and beat the shit out of me. Yeah, it's always bad when the people that you picked on get bigger or more successful than you are. Well, this was like – I was only always like slightly bigger than him just because i was a whole year older than him yeah and when he went away a lot of time a year older yeah but i mean i got street smart so i was probably like so dude as far as like

fighting goes i was like six years older dude you got avenue smarts i've lost three fights so i've learned a lot from i just did what the people did to me in those fights you don't even know but you're like you think you're like bruce lee like loose brie loose brie is the girl that i got the clap from in college that's it all full circle ladies and gentlemen that is matt james people oh yeah we do the intro this is our last oh yeah we have talked a lot about it over the past couple of weeks because we got that radio morning gig. We are the new Preston and Steve. We no longer get to be John and Matt anymore. We do have to go by Preston and Steve.

And we have to have some, like, producers that kind of bring down the momentum of the show. And that's the setup that we have. But, like I said, this is our last episode. We had a good run. And I feel like it's time to nip it right in the butt. There's the fake name we can use. We're the Preston Steve Podcast. We just take out and. and I feel like it's time to nip it right in this butt. There's the fake name we can use. We're the Preston Steve Podcast.

We just take out and. Kind of like how Rob Cody is basically the Rob and Cody, the podcast. We're Preston Steve. And when they come at us, we're like, no, that's actually just a friend of ours. His name is Preston Steve. Yeah, it's like you can't own a name. It's not how it works. Now give us a piece of that MMR money.

Traffic on the twos. We'll go to Katie there with traffic. Katie, what do we have? There appears to be a man going full speed in, what was it? What was the guy that was driving down the road, took out a couple families? Oh, that scared the shit out of me because I'm going to a holiday parade this weekend. Saturday? In my town, yeah.

If you don't think I've been strategically driving down that main drag and finding like the best place to set up that i will also have protection from a runaway fucking suv so you are taking the fam i imagine right yeah yeah we used to go uh we used to live on that road so like you could watch it like our friends and family would come up to our apartment and like if you were too cold you could go inside and still watch it from our apartment so yeah we've gone i mean we didn't have it last year because of the so what do you do you just go and you sit and you observe you just parade you know you just watch a parade and you think this is what a good idea are you like yeah i think i think parades are the the greatest american thing you can do we talked about this before yeah but a parade is certainly not a young man's game a parade is a young man's game in that if you're going to go pregame it and get loose.

Yeah. A parade in your hometown is a young man's game. Especially if you're home from college, which I think you are, right? You're on a strong college parade. I dropped out to pursue podcasting. Oh, also, listener, happy Thanksgiving. We hope you didn't kill your family. Yeah, guys, happy Thanksgiving. And in the times that we live in, I know it's tough to separate what happened with the pilgrims and the treatment of Native Americans.

But take some time. What you got to do is you just take the good from it, like all the good they taught us, like about how the pilgrims provided for the Native Americans. They did. And they provided us with food and shelter. We provided them with smallpox. Yeah, so turn it around. Provide something for your friends. Did one of them COVID? Yeah,

we're giving each other, exchange the gift of COVID and from your weird uncle. By the way, Christopher Columbus was Spanish. That doesn't go to the white guys. Was he? I thought he was Italian. He's a Spanish explorer. He was either an Italian... Italians spanish explorer well he was either he's italian because

oh but he was operating on behalf of his statues he was italian yeah well italians are fucking yeah the italians are like yo rocky existed cuz it's like all right dude you're fucking no the real italians like yo rocky was based on rocky marciano who my uncle knew yeah i mean dude i mean it's it's rocky great franchise i can't even shit on rocky i wanted to shit on rocky but i kind of can't i fucking love it it's one of those ones you shit on then you watch it again and you find yourself air punching along with them jogging in place kill that russian oh yeah if you don't do push-ups during rocky you're all pussy yeah if you don't do push-ups or if you don't like repair bonds with people then you don't know what's going on if you're not actively looking up where you can go punch a side of beef in your town you're all pussy. Yeah, if you don't do push-ups or if you don't repair bonds with people, then you don't know what's going on. If you're not actively looking up

where you can go punch a side of beef in your town, you're like, local meat market allows beef punching. Google search. Local meat market was our initial name for the podcast, too. Also, beef market. Beef market. There you go.

Freak. So if you watch Rocky now, you wouldn't go look up a beef market. Dude, if I watch Rocky drunk on like a Friday night, 100% I'm going to wake up in a drunken stupor to like the fact that I signed up for like kickboxing lessons. 100%. And then my class is that day. It's you and just a bunch of moms. I'm just so inspired.

I'm like, I'm going to take my life into my own hands. You're just, you're in a room with a bunch of moms. You're like, ladies, it's time for us to make our bodies ours again. But I try to like familiarize myself. I'm like, what's up, cunts? And they're like, whoa, what the fuck? I'm like, I don't know. I thought you guys were tough broads.

You're doing crowd work. You guys are, I'd like to kick your box there, sweetheart. And she's like, can he leave? Your mom's friend. I'm still drunk i'm like i was watching rocky last night he didn't beat the black dude but he came close that's what it's all about ladies you know what i was thinking was if he just did more kicking and less punching the movie would have been a lot shorter so i signed up for kickbox can i get an amen and why do the organs sound so good in church right okay and they're like what the fuck you just good in church? Right? Okay. And they're like, what the fuck? You just walk in.

You're like, Adrian was a bitch. Am I right? All right, ladies. Bic. Let's get into it. So, you know what? Mick has some good racist ideas. Am I right, people?

Listen, you can't put away everything he said. You got to consider the context at the top. You know, just sitting Indian style. Also, at what point in the class do I get to chase a chicken? Because I've been practicing on pigeons and they're hard. They're hard to catch. Also, does anybody have ginger ale?

My stub hurts. Did somebody give Matt a ride home? Dude, I'll kickbox your ass into oblivion if I ever get my mitts on you i'm gonna sign you up for kickboxing classes that'll be our first video content we put out just you front kicking yeah like i've already talked about it we're i think we need to go full we need to take a karate class i would absolutely there's our first video content yeah that's page we go to the karate

class it's down the street from my house where i always see fat kids walking on like thursday nights it's a storefront too so like it's always like uh moms and dads out front of the karate studio watching inside oh i don't like that they sit from the outside i think because of covid they weren't allowed in but it's also a very small space so like there's no room there's too much kicking going on aren't they defeating covid with every chop and kick i think so i think it's how you beat karate i heard that cdc was like vaccines booster shots and then like uppercuts and kicks look like kovid and karate both came from the orient so i don't know yeah yeah yeah yeah you're right both come from a bat and speaking of crazy conspiracy theories did you see that kyle

rettenhouse got to meet trump yeah dude that's we live in the era where you can kill your way into meeting your idol i was like watch out seinfeld i'm gonna mow a few people down i'm like who are these people like there's so many angles it's just seinfeld looking scared and i'm just next over the thumbs up and a suit on for some reason these people don't need ar-15s dude all you gotta do is unload an ar-15 to meet dt45 you just bam baby provoke someone into coming after you and that's what it is like i still don't i don't know if he was in self-defense or if he's a murderer either way he's a fucking dork it's just a total fucking pussy i watched his whole interview on fox news which man fox news is doubled down now on their

like because it used to be like they're like we're gonna subtly put in that we're republican yeah and now it kicks off and tucker carlson's like what's up you fucking non-liberal motherfuckers it's unbelievable he's like anyway i got the fucking dude here. My man, Kyle R. What's up, Ritty? Dude, it's so embarrassing. It's fucking... Dude, Kyle Rittenhouse is going to be a political commentator in the next three years, and he's going to make millions of dollars.

100%. You're going to see that guy... Or he's going to drown in a pool next summer. It's either or. Imagine he comes out as gay and then runs for governor of California. That's what he really should do. He should really follow the Caitlyn Jenner thing. He doesn't have to go full trans, but just come out as gay and make a new

life i also thought it was hilarious because uh listeners that aren't in the philadelphia area there is a section of philadelphia the nicest section of philadelphia is named written house square that's right so you're just like oh we're going over to a restaurant in written house so i also when i first heard his name thought it was just like a fun nickname for like a smug rich kid that grew up in Rittenhouse. You're like, oh, look at fucking Kyle Rittenhouse. It's like, look at Tara Mainline out here. Now it's Kyle

Rittenhouse Square Up. Man, I had a great thing going and you just came in and said... If I would have said it better, that would have been funnier. If I would have called it Rittenhouse Square Up... You said, kickbox, stop! To that bit. Well, I thought there was some COVID

getting into the room and I was trying to take care of it. There's also a bat in here that I might eat. I have a little porcelain bat. It's very cute. My mom got it for me. All right, now you're just

naming things in the room. I'm excited. We're doing a 1 o'clock in the afternoon podcast. Yeah, dude. I was driving over here. I'm actively working right now. Yeah, me too.

Quotation marks, quotation marks. I stopped at Wawa on the way over here i'm actively working right now yeah me too quotation marks quotation marks um i stopped at wawa on the way over here and got so excited because there was just and i realized we're doing the adult version of this okay there was just a group of fucking bros like middle school just buddies hell yeah half day in the shit out of it oh so when i told you i came over here with an energy that i couldn't explain i realized a lot i have adult half day energy that's huge and i fucking love it that's actually a phenomenal way to put it right now i am out front of my local wawa with six to eleven of my best friends yep we're crushing a bag of funyuns you sure one bag for the whole crew yep and we all got our own

mountain dews oh that's how i'm looking at this and we're all we're all planning what's going to happen with the next four hours of sunlight we're like yo i heard that the group of girls that we know are in the park should we go flirt with them or throw shit at them or both you could do both there's nothing but i passed that wawa then i passed the pizza place that's right down here yeah Yeah. And it was your town's crew of just fucking middle school dudes. Yeah. And it's funny because they're all standing around holding like a soda in their hands. Yep. And I was like, oh, this is just going to graduate into them standing at the bar across

the street in 10 years. Yeah. Holding a beer, still talking about the same dumb bullshit. Same shit. Yeah. I love that. I love that energy. You've kind of perfectly captured a moment.

Dude, I drove over here and there was enough traffic that I was giggling to myself the whole way, going like, I can't wait to talk about adult half-day energy. Now that you're saying it that way, I might say that a half-day is better than a day off. But also, we both work from home, so half-days are not a rare thing. I mean, I'm technically just taking a voluntary full day off. Right, but i love when you just mentally check out you're like i did enough work and you look at your phone you're like it is 11 15 oh dude i did that in september and i have not looked back it is really getting

out of hand like i did that the first day they said what covid was you're like i think i have it no i was scared i was a scared little sweet guy when covid started but i mean but back to the fucking half day dude half days what are you half day nailed and you're not good at almost anything half day kicks the shit out of a day off from school because the day off from school that's what i'm saying let me hear your explanation so my theory is the day off from school you you got to get up and you have to do like the stuff your parents still want you to do in the morning and then you get to go hang out with your buds but a half day of school you do your usual routine to get to school and you guys are

just all in class and you're like, yo, we're going to watch a movie about pilgrims that was made before my parents were born. Fair. Because the school hasn't updated shit. And we're not going to pay attention. And then as soon as we get out of here, we're all going to hop on our bikes. Don't forget you probably get a snack. You probably get like a little party.

Yeah. They don't give you. Don't fuck with a party a snack. You probably get like a little party. Yeah, they don't give you – Don't fuck with a party. You got like a – Dude. You made a hand turkey. You glued some leftover candy corns from Halloween to it. Yep.

You learned what the word cornucopia meant and it still sounded dirty for some reason. Yeah, I want to put it right under cornucopia. Yeah, you're like, what did you guys – did you guys get the third base? Like, I don't know what cornucopia is. I don't know. I put it under cornucopia. Does that answer your question? And then you're getting to just leave there and especially like i remember

in middle school was when my parents i think they're just like we don't want to pay for child care so they're like yeah just do whatever you want i didn't live even walking distance to school but i got like a pass that day to like walk to the pizzeria yeah that was it's actually still there joe's pizza best pizza in south jersey west thatford we would walk there and it was just like the walk to there in my mind it was 30 miles yeah it's maybe a mile walk to the pizza place and it's through neighborhoods so you're hitting that you're you're getting hit the sickest cut throughs in the neighborhood that you know how good was it knowing a cut through in the neighborhood or like you felt like the man where you were like all right

i gotta get to here there's a hole in that fence i'm gonna go through that yeah easy oh man a good cut i remember they patched up my my main cut through uh that way from country creek to saint regis if you're a very local listener you'll understand how important what the fuck that cut through was to everyone yeah because if you wanted to get to the one-stop shop the convenience store fair or action video where you could get some baseball cards love baseball cards that would cut like 10 minutes off your trip that cut through and then they patched it up if they didn't think i was going to chuck my bmx bike over that fence and still climb pegs and all baby stopping me like i can throw a dyno nsx pretty far the original peg baby

yeah that was but yeah you're hitting the best cut throughs you get to the pizza place and you're like my parents still gave me pizza or lunch money today fucking yeah let me get seven slices of pizza you're gonna throw up pizza i threw up pizza at one point that's fine remember that but you threw it up and enjoy in jubilance. I threw up pizza in front of – no. That was total lie. I didn't throw up pizza. One of my good friends, Chris, threw up pizza. Chris, dude.

We had a hockey game that night. We had a half day. We rode our bikes around. We were in like our friend's neighborhood talking to some girls. Some whores. He ate so much pizza at Joe's. He just went like 20 feet over, threw up all over the curb. Yeah.

And then was like, let's roll we got hockey that's funny dude rode out and it was like deck hockey outdoors we were on the devils going the year no devs maybe i still have the plaque maybe it's hanging above my bed and i say a prayer to it every night um we rode out we probably lost because we were very bad okay that's more like it and yeah but i remember him doing that i was just like man i don't know if those girls are disgusted or are so impressed they're like damn he loves pizza so much maybe he loves even more pal deck hockey the game the fucking game dude that's kind of funny because that's like a like a like an allegory to like growing up and then you drink too much and you puke and then you go to like a fucking intramural game in

college that was most of our college i got my turkey bowl game tomorrow i cannot miss this you don't get it seven years chance did you ever have a like thanksgiving weekend football game that was like a tradition dude i want to gloss no no i mean like uh yeah well you guys used to be good at sports but well it was a big game though but no i mean like uh a pickup game where like you and your friends played no are you too busy ripping some skate shit did you have like a skate off like a thanksgiving skate off no dude i was too busy hanging with broads dude no we probably were doing some real dumb shit like trying to start a band or whatever but that sounds fun as fun my

friends none of my friends were athletic we didn't start we it might still be a tradition i gotta actually ask my friends i think we started doing it it started when i was at college uh my friends were athletic. We didn't start. It might still be a tradition. I got to actually ask my friends. I think we started doing it. It started when I was at college. My friends from back home and like a couple guys of grade below us, a couple ahead of us starting the game over at like the midget football field. That's not a knock on the short people. That's just what they call it. It's called Deferent Midget Football.

Midget Football, yeah. I think it still is. Deferent Little Person Football. They're like, come after us, dude. Do something about it. But it became really fun because it was like there was a lot of kids that played high school football in this that got really fat and really out of shape. So it was fun to be like the guy who was still playing sports and staying in sports shape. Yeah.

And I was like not as good as these dudes as an athlete in high school. But then they stopped, and I just continued to get. So I'm, like, I'm a slow person, but I'm still burning dudes off the line. Oh, yeah, dude. That's huge. Our friend who was, like, the all-South Jersey goalie, he was always, like, super in shape, got very fat. Hell, yeah.

But could still move. Yeah. So it was, like, a game. It was watching a game of a bunch of dudes usually in cut off shirts and still long sleeve underarmors which always you're like i can't that's the point where you're like i'm too fat to wear justin and they got like thermal pants and like gray sweatpants over top of them yeah and then yeah like a four on four or three on three basketball tournament shirt from middle school and no sleeves on it. A hundred percent.

What? And I'm painting the picture of this guy perfectly because I don't think this guy has had sleeves on a t-shirt since he graduated high school. Yeah. To this day. But he would still be like fast and like juking, cutting people and shit. Yeah.

He would just play quarterback and they would do like the, the like 10 second blitz. Oh yeah. Always. Doesn't leave the pocket and you can blitz. He would just like wait for people like 10 second blitz where you know always doesn't leave the pocket and you can blitz he would just like wait for people in the pocket like let's go and then we just like scoop get around them and then launch them down the field that's all it was i remember i never played football so like the only route i ran was i'm just gonna run forward until the guy

covering me trips gets tired or picks up someone else somebody's gonna get tired eventually you just run past the end zone yeah just but i remember like showing up and like excelling in that i gotta see if that still goes on i would love to play in that again that sounds fucking incredible me and my friends did not do anything like that especially in high school my friends that i had like the beginning of high school end of eighth grade it was it's kind of funny i don't think about it they were like the antithesis of like what a normal like man you definitely read this week you're throwing out a lot of work i got good you said allegory and antithesis pretty good dude pretty good i uh like you just have a word of the day calendar you just started it tomorrow i'm gonna say anyway

aardvark tomorrow i'm gonna say ballistic like eight times. But I fucking – my friends, like I played basketball and all my – and I played – I skateboarded and I like played guitar. And all my friends were just guitar, just listened to punk rock, all that stuff. So I would tell them like I got to leave. I got to go to basketball practice. And they're like, that's so gay that you play basketball. Instead of being like, oh, you know, like as a kid, you're like, oh, that's gay. That's gay. It's gay that you compete in sports, dude.'s a because i had that too but on the flip side of it

the band i was in if i was like i gotta leave guys i have a baseball tournament they're like oh exactly i would go to baseball and then i'd be like i gotta leave i got a show tonight with my band like oh fucking rock star 100 i'm like i can't and it's still to this day like my one friend's sister is hilarious every time i see her she's like so what's the thing you're you're into now like because every year like a couple years ago i was like i'm into crossfit and then the next time she saw me it's like i'm into stand-up comedy and then i was like i'm pretty much just doing at-home repairs on my own yeah not bad though it's not i was like i bought a skateboard again at 35 she's like can you pick a thing yeah i think it's the autism i do the same thing it's i just get obsessed with something for like two to five years well it's

the opposite of being a perfectionist you just get kind of good at a lot of things yeah and you i blame somebody like i blame like the joe rogan like school of teaching dudes to become dudes because like he's got that like renaissance that whole like him i'm trying to think who else they have that like renaissance man thing where you're like you got to be able to do like a bunch of different things like brendan shob no fuck that we're all just trying to unleash our inner show the only thing he ever had was he was a big person that someone taught to punch and you can't take that away from him right i don't respect heavy weights that were really good at their sport.

I'll throw this out. I'm embarrassed to say it. I went to see him in helium and I bought his merch after. Ew. I didn't even think he was funny. Was his merch just sneaks? No, it was honestly a cool shirt

and I was like, all right, you know what? What is the cool shirt? I think it's like somewhere in my closet. It's just, it's pretty bad. I say that as I'm drinking a Jocko Wilmick energy drink. Yeah, you cum guzzler.

What are you, crazy dude? I'm a patriot. This is Rittenhouse Raspberry is the flavor. Dude, how about Go Patriots? Fucking six and five. I don't even know. I don't know. Yeah, Jocko Wilnick.

It's Jocko Discipline Go. Do you think he just was yelling out random words and was like, this is what I'm going to name my energy drink? In the middle of beating his wife, he was just yelling the words. There's so many names on it. It's Jocko Discipline Go

After Burner Orange Real Energy Orange. Dude, he definitely controlled all the branding and they're like, Jocko's a little over the top

and he's like, no. It's just all the words he knows. Sugar free, keto, freedom, look into it,

stop the steal. The N word. Actually, yeah, the third ingredient is you can say it. Why can't we say it oh god and it's hilarious so it's funny why can't we say it while listen if you don't know jocko wilmick is don't worry because i don't really either i've just heard his name wrong

anyway no i think it's willick will it's willing whatever the fuck it is i've just heard joe rogan talk about it and then i've heard other people make fun of him who doughy joe but no this guy has gone from being like just i guess a former navy seal i'm assuming yeah to now his energy drink is in wawa yeah i did a pretty good climb that's why the navy seal is the one that's real hard to get into huh yeah i think so i was thinking about if i was watching a lot of stolen valor videos recently all of the best and i still want you see the one with the guy who's pretty good up until like a certain point he obviously looks like he's wearing fake fatigues yeah he answers a lot of questions yeah oh yeah what is that because they're fully autistic and they play call of duty and they memorize which i think dude honestly you've done more for the country than anybody you served

you did your time i was thinking i couldn't join the military dude if i join the military as soon as the other side starts winning i'm joining oh no you i wouldn't get to basic training i would cry i'm just saying if they put me on the entire bus ride to basic training yeah if i had to go to i'd bitch cry to the military but i always love like they always the stolen valor people they aim too high they're like yeah i'm a general i'm basically one step down from yeah i don't and i don't know the ranks the military yeah they're like i'm one step down from the pentagon basically to just say you were way lower no one gives up just stick with private first class get a couple fucking free ice cream cones when you go out don't yeah that's the thing they go you're exactly right they go way too high they're like oh i served in

you know i iraqistan or whatever those places are yeah don't steal valor borrow it borrow valor borrowed valor borrowed valor i have borrowed valor i have a full set of uh marine fatigues in my house by the way that's a podcast episode title but good borrowed valor well there it is that's it it's just gonna be you and i saluting each other rob cody again in it yeah borrowed val half day borrowed valor there it is make it the longest title half day borrowed valor thanksgiving have a good holiday and then all the words from the jocko if you think i won't i'm gonna test the character limit dude you listeners out there you're getting a real treat

in your ass for this bad boy dude this is a hot um hot bitch borrowed valor oh no yeah i think i talked about before i have a full set of marine fatigues because my cousin the one who i picked on my whole uh child life and i will say like i picked on him but he also fought back just as much but like i was a year younger if there was a scorecard i was slightly ahead basically, basically. You know what I mean? And he – yeah, when he graduated from base training from boot camp, dude, he went like – he was a small guy when he went in. He just came back just shredded. Yeah.

And the second day he was back, first, second day, he came to my house at college. Yeah. And I answered the door and I was like so excited because like I said, he's my little brother basically. Yeah. Like I love the guy. answered the door and i i was like so excited because like i said he's my little brother basically like i love the guy and i went for a hug and he just punched me in the fucking sternum tackle me and just started slapping my face yeah it was just like childhood aggression coming out where he's like i am trained by the u.s government now to fucking pay you back he then proceeded because he hadn't drank in a year basically because being a

basic training and everything okay yeah yeah he hadn't drank it forever it was cinco de mayo he drank two to three beers maybe and got blackout drunk at my college house yeah ended up throwing up fritos all over the place to which i then started slapping him around yeah i was like i still got you and then he. Then he started drinking again. And we're back on even playing. They're not that tough, dude. You put up a fucking couple firecrackers. Those guys go nuts.

I got to go back into this. It was. I don't know. It was. He's a good dude. I should probably go easy on the military jokes. Because you know. I mean.

I'm a DOD bad boy. Your screen actually says support the troops right now. I will. I support the troops troops i support the people protesting troops i support anyone that just stop having so much passion about the dumbest shit dude whatever you think i'm just gonna agree with you in the moment i don't want to have another oh yeah i'm gonna wait till you walk away i'm gonna go this fucking dude the whole mask or i guess i'm taking to have enough passion about something to go protest or riot unless you were unless it was like i needed to protest you attacking my family yeah i don't think i have the i think i'm not dedicated to something enough they could be like

protest they could be like we're getting rid of the philadelphia eagles tomorrow people like we're gonna go protest i'm like no I'll just get into soccer. I'll just like the Steelers. It's not a big deal. That's what's great. I guess it means we're like spineless pussies. I told you I would cry the entire way. I thought we were spineless pussies, but I thought about it.

We're actually cool fucking guys. Yeah, we're real cool guys. Instead, because we don't have any passions or support anything fervently, we're not spineless pussies. We're actually cool local guys. That is true, because back to the half-day energy, the coolest guy was the one where you were like, Todd, what are you going to get into today? And he's like, I don't even fucking care.

And you were like, man, Todd's so fucking cool. Todd has sex with my sister. Meanwhile, he's like, I don't care. He's like, go home. I'm gonna get beat up by my dad. You thought you had a good record against your cousin. This guy's getting lit up. That's so bad. Yeah, when you find out that cool Todd was actually

very sad. Yeah, dude. I didn't care when I found out people were sad. But I really didn't. I remember people in my middle school would tell me they're sad. And I was like, okay. My mom has cancer it's like all right dude move on whatever dude oh i'm an empathetic guy we're not we're not just empathetic we're cool guys we're also pathetic we're more so we put the pathetic and empathetic

pretty funny yeah dude because if you're an empath oh god i don't even get into it i'll stay off it there's people who call themselves empaths. They're like, it's like a social media thing. They'll put out there, they'll be like, I'm an empath. Those are the things where I see that in somebody's bio and I have to go to Google and look it up and I hate that. Oh, dude, it's the most annoying thing. I hate having to know words. I hate having, like, someone put you on the spot.

I had a bit about it for the longest time where I was like, I was like when like pronouns became a thing and I was like, I'm still remembering verbs guys. Like, yeah, I'm still struggling with like action. I don't know what an adverb is. I don't either. Quick,

quickly. I, it's bad. Runningly. I speak very well when need be, but me no talk good. We know talking. I went to a work event last night and it was real.

Like I had to like hit that trigger. Okay. You're in a professional setting. setting yeah you need to enunciate words you need to not talk about your butt you need to like yeah you need to turn off the stand up thing in your head you know how hard it is especially after the pandemic to like turn that off like as soon as i saw my boss and my co-worker who i was meeting at this event yeah i was like what the fuck is up and they were like what i'm like i'm like about hello jonathan yeah i'm like ball tapping my boss giving my co-worker a noogie i'm like what are you fucking dorks been up to i brought a case of beer there too they're like there's a bar anyway you guys want one of these fucking bls any guy you should be able to observe and

this is like we need to break social norms anybody that shows up anywhere with a pack of beer regardless of the occasion should be celebrating and ladies and gentlemen i gifted again a cornucopia yeah dude of bud lights of leftover bud lights from my daughter's birthday two months ago that have just been sitting on our deck but they got cold again because of a recent cold spell it has been chilly here and it's gonna I think there is 17 to 18 beers in that case that's actually a pretty good turnout that's not bad it's weird yeah I gave up drinking and I because I thought I've been looking at this case on my deck I'll drink one in your honor you know what keep going drink seven in my honor I've been looking at this half case of beer which it's hilarious to me too because I was like

21 year old me would be like this is the greatest thing ever you just got this half case of beer, which it's hilarious to me too. Cause I was like, 21 year old me would be like, this is the greatest thing ever. You just got a half case of beer in the cold on your deck. But 35 year old adult dad, me is like, man, that's in the way of like other stuff I need to store. And now I'm just kind of worried. Like what if the scrolls get in here? You've been trying to get rid of it for a minute. That's why it's probably good to have a friend 10 years younger than you.

Cause you just rip a tutti boy. No, it's in the couch. And it's awesome. I can't recreate it now, so it totally looks like a fork. Dude, you're going to do that in front of our millions of listeners. No, but yeah, I figure I'm not going out on... I'm not drinking this month anyway.

This beer needs to be given unto someone who will put good use of it. Someone with a problem. Yeah, maybe someone who's going to drink at 1.45 on a Wednesday. Someone who's three beers deep on that at 2 p.m. on a Wednesday. But dude, I'm doing it because of half-day energy. Half-day energy.

It's not me drinking it. It's the day putting it in. Half-day energy was always the day that you tried stuff for the first time. That sounded weird, but let me elaborate. Anal. The first time I ever dipped Sk skull was a half day i remember that there was a it was a half day and there was still a soccer game at the high school that we were all gonna go watch it was like a jv soccer game we were freshmen and we went to the convenience store my buddy somehow bought a tin and he was

like you want one i was, do these all the time. Dude, I love tins, man. I'm a baseball player. I tin it up. Dude, tin foil. Packed like a pack of cigarettes on my other hand. I was like, this is how you do it. Tin tin, the children's story.

I sniffed a little. It was like Coke. I'm like, oh, it's a good stuff. It's a good high. I rubbed it into my gums. I was like, it's pure. Just combined all of it. That's smooth.

That goes down smooth, man. And then I dipped. And then I woosily walked back over. I woosily walked back over to the soccer game. Woos smooth. That goes down smooth, man. And then I dipped, and then I woosily walked back over. I woosily walked back over to the soccer game. Woosily? That might be an adverb. Woosily. That's at the end of your Word of the Day calendar.

Yeah, that's two months from now. And I just tried to act cool. And then as soon as I saw someone's parents I knew, I was like, oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Like rubbing it in the grass, like spitting out and everything. Hello. It's what's good to see you mr johnson I think another one of my friends threw up that time too damn you got some puking ass friends dude you can ask for dude that's wild and they're all like responsible adults it's funny to think back on like your friends like that become very responsible or successful adults yeah and you're like I watched you drink toilet water once yeah I mean one of my buddies who's an attorney now, I watched him.

Well, I guess we will. I just saw him do some crazy stuff. You got to throw in law terms. I allegedly saw him. Allegedly. Put his finger in a cow's butt. I don't know. Get milked by a man.

That was one of the things, dude, in the town I grew up in, it was where Heritage's farm, like the headquarters is there. Yeah, yeah. And if you're, again, I've said it before, we're strictly a Heritage's loving podcast here. They have the best hoagies. I had one last week. Good breakfast Sammy poo-poos, too. Their hoagies are also, it's either like not big enough or way too big is the two sizes.

Dude, and the cashier is either a 15-year-old girl or a 75-year-old woman who can't move. Who has been there since she was 15. She's like, hi, hon. All that being said, greatest hoagies. You walk in and she's like, when does it end? I'm like, what? Oh, no, another half day. That was where we used to take half day.

Our half day hangout was at this Wawa. Or, fuck, no, Heritage. I was going to say you're a fraud, dude. Heritage's. Yeah, bro. That's how you know you're really from Gloucester County if you say Heritage's. It is. It's Heritage's because we grew up with the heritage family i had a heritages right outside of my neighborhood so i take full jurisdiction over this concept and i'm telling you you're wrong it's heritages anyway can i show you something real quick nope uh so anyway heritage farm which

is in the town i grew up in yeah it backed up to our friend's neighborhood and there was a goat there that would, if you went over to the fence, it would come up to you and just sit there. I know upwards of 23 people that have pissed on that goat's head. Just peed on him for funsies? Just peed on the goat. How come it's not a goat?

No, I'd say probably six people. I can vividly think of six people that have done it. I know a lot of people that have thrown shit at that goat. That goat might be immortal. That goat also got stolen once from Heritage. think of six people that have done it i know a lot of people have thrown shit that goat that goat might be immortal that goat also got stolen once from heritage yeah and brought to a party at a kid's house that's pretty good me and my friends walked in and we're just like yo what's up we're next in beer pong why is there a fucking goat that's incredible there's just a goat hanging

up that's absolutely incredible and then they just brought it back. That goat has seen the coolest and worst shit ever. That goat is actually the old lady that works at Heritage. And she transforms back into a goat every night. That's why you're like, you old goat. That's a weregoat. She's like, why do you keep pissing on me? No. No, she's a goat.

She's the greatest of all. Also, I'm up next in time. I got fives on this game, you virgins. Man, that was... I felt so bad for that goat. What does a goat do when you pee on him? Just chills.

Ew, what a little weirdo. I think I liked it. The other goats are like, ew. A goat in shower? That's incredible. Billy's over there fucking getting pissed on again. Yeah, Billy. Yeah, Billy.

That was good. But transformed back into Cheryl when she's got a shift. She's like, I gotta get out of here. Oh, Heritage is great. I think the Heritage is... I think...

Oh, no. It's a cow. It's a cow. I thought the Heritage thing was a goat for a second. It's a cow, and I went to... Did you ever go to Storybook Land?

Fun South Jersey land. I have been. We just took the baby there. My sister got us tickets. for a second it's a cow and uh i went did you ever go to storybook land fun south jersey uh we just took the baby there my sister got us tickets awesome time it was like because it was the first day of the holiday season you're on the train ride and they have like all the uh the fairy tales as you're going around they're like acted out by like mannequins and stuff yeah and the one is uh the cow jumped over the moon That nursery rhyme or whatever. I swear the cow that they have there is a Heritage's cow. Got to be. Just painted differently. That's incredible.

Because they used to – I think it was all the Heritage's had that like – it's not ceramic. It's like a plaster. Oh, like an actual cow. An actual cow. It used to be on like the roof or out front. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I swear they definitely just got one like donated to Storybook Land and they painted it blue and purple yeah and it's jumping out and i got so excited no one else with me i was like that's a heritages cow i would i would be pumped on that yeah nobody else gave a

shit but you see a goose flying around it's a wawa goose true wawa brought back their uh old school logo to the one that i made a uh handsome idiots version of merch could be coming yes and they threw it on a uh on a coffee cup tumbler this is just a hint to my wife and she's listening and can't think of little gifts to get me a coffee cup tumbler what's a tumbler like a tall coffee cup tumbler like the like a yeti coffee cup okay like i'm but it's it's the old school wawa colors okay like the real throwback like the tan like the taupe yeah why was it like what was like orange and everything was dark yellow the late 80s into the early 90s it was like it went from

radic no i guess it was the 70s before like it's the reason the 80s were like neon yeah was because the 70s were like that orange and brown and taupe yeah yeah very muted colors were like everything like you look back at like sports teams like the the padres used to be brown with an orange logo yeah though two weirdest colors unless you're the browns brown and orange is not a bad combo but you think that was what was that probably lsd again in the fucking society no because i think lsd introduced everyone to what neon colors could be because so because you gotta think about the people in the 70s eventually grew up and they were the executives of the 80s they're coming up with shit and they were like remember that color we saw the one time

we did acid the guy's like hot pink let's make everything hot yeah 80s was kind of fucking 80s and then that spilled into the 90s 90s then became purple and turquoise purple turquoise yeah right yeah i've talked about this with my friends almost every team that came out that was a new team in the 90s either had purple or turquoise or both the hornet hornet the grizzlies memphis grizzlies um the rockies had purple the devil rays had turquoise yeah every team that came out in that era had that and then a lot of teams that had new logos in that era were all an animal coming through a shape yes yeah i think it's pretty good that's pretty good the panthers the florida panthers are panther going through a triangle the grizzlies were a bear coming through like he ripped through a thing yeah

that's pretty fucking good. It was a lot of that. That's not bad. I'm not mad at that. Because I think they were trying. It was like, that was the era when they got rid of the Bullets as a name. The Bullets became the Wizards, and they became Turquoise. Yeah. And, like, yeah, just Turquoise was, like, one of their colors.

Okay. The Pistons changed their jersey to that weird Turquoise. The Pistons had sick jerseys. With the horse, the flaming horse on it. Yeah, dude, that was not. I mean, what are they doing? I can't believe they switched to red and blue.

I'm trying to think. A lot of teams had, like, a teal version of their thing. I think there should be teal versions of every... I mean, I think that color combo... Well, it's come back around again because that color now,

like, everything... I was talking about this with my buddy the other day. Everything late 90s into the early 2000s is coming back in style. Everything that goes in style is just anything

that was cool 25 years ago that's literally how it is i remember like the end of the 2010s it was like a lot of like uh like 80s was cool and like it would be like 80s parties and all that shit and then that birth people starting to wear 80s shit again yeah that yeah so it's so funny now because like seeing a nirvana shirt yeah that's like how i used to rock a Led Zeppelin shirt when I was in high school. Yeah. It's going to be weird seeing like fucking a Linkin Park shirt and they're like, yeah, it's an old band. Right. I talk about my friend all the time.

Like who's going to be from like say my era. So if you graduate high school between 2001 and 2010. Yeah. Who is going to be the beatles of that era i always argue i think the foo fighters are the best band to go through multiple eras and still keep doing it and be respected yeah i think the foo fighters the fallout boys coldplay could be coldplay kind of just sold out that new album sucks i just heard five sold out well yeah but they they always were supposed to be well coldplay maybe not but maroon five was a commercial thing yeah through and, yeah, but they always were supposed to be. Well, Coldplay maybe not, but Maroon 5 was a commercial thing through and through.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the Foo Fighters, they were birthed out of Nirvana. Yeah. Which is funny. I don't really like Nirvana. Still love the Foo Fighters. They're one of those bands where you forget that you love them. They're one of those bands that you listen and you're like, oh, every song was a hit.

Every album has like five singles. I think I messaged you that when i was watching it was a foo fighters live um maybe a month or two ago i thought i messaged i messaged my one friend about it and i was like i put this on and i said to myself i'm gonna stop when there's a song that isn't like a hit or one that i really love yeah and especially because it was their lineup i think it was their first show back from covid so they're they're going after it they're getting perfect baby girls getting hard it was just hit hit hit and then they'd be like here's the fourth song from our second album and you're like i forgot about that song hit hit hit and then here's a cover of something oh i forgot you guys did that they go like ever long my hero

and they throw out like long road to ruin you're like that fucking song rips too dude it's incredible so I put them up as they're the band of that era that will be like my one day maybe my grandkids

are gonna be like Pop-Pop did you used to listen to the Foo Fighters and I'm like we used to have a half day of school and we used to shove Mountain Dew

and I watched a guy kiss a girl after throwing up they're like man Pop-Pop's weird yeah we're just asking we don't even like the band we're just asking if you heard of them dude yeah i was gonna tell you they suck yeah they suck i heard learn to fly and i shit myself foo fighter just gets canceled because it sounds like you're fighting some kind of asian oh yeah foo is

gonna be a slur in the next like 15 years what's up oh that's actually like uh i think hispanic people like what's up foo foo yeah you're a foe yeah they're saying you're fighting hispanic people and they're like that's what they're fighting is if they are they're just really hated i'll tell you what that's what they're fighting they were blowing them out because these guys got some hit singles dude fucking dave yeah damn dave dave grohl is anti cholo let it be known you've never you've never heard dave chile dave anti chile you've never heard dave grohl on a song with cypress hill and i think they're they're the beatles of cholos right i think that's exactly exactly right i think are weird too like that like so LA Who's a popular Cholo?

Pitbull? Is he a Cholo? He wears a suit I think The dude from Machete Might be Danny What's his name?

Breer? Yeah Danny Breer From the Flyers Is the most popular Cholo ever I'm a fly boy I said what are you talking about? No Danny Fuck

I saw him at his taco place I think it's Or his donut place in LA I told you about that Danny Vampire I look him up Danny We're bad with names and things Call him at his taco place. I think it's his donut place in LA. I told you about that. Vampire, look him up. Danny. We're bad with names and things.

No, we're actually pretty, because people forget, we are pretty cool guys. Danny Ricky Martin. Danny Ricky Martin. Ricky Martin. What happened? Ricky Martin, like. Ricky Martin came out, and he did it at the wrong time. if he waited and came out now it would be like a big heroic thing he came out and then his career just kind of petered off oh i was trying to think what

the connection was because there's a thing where ariana grande got caught licking a donut and putting it back in a bakery and in the background it was uh danny trejo sorry oh i do know that yeah okay yeah he's probably one of the most popular cholos it's actually i don't know if this is probably bad podcast, but there's a funny thing on presidency where Ariana Grande got caught licking a donut in a donut store. And the owner, like they, they're reading it as if it's a, it's a news story.

So they're reading the article and they're like, you know, Ariana Grande was allegedly caught licking a donut, putting it back. They don't understand why they interviewed the owner. Whose name was Ricky Martin. And immediately, uh,

Steve from president steve goes living to lick the donuts yeah i don't know she bangs she bangs living to lick the donuts so good damn so she just she my germs the donut and then just put it back dude pretty women need to be fucking knocked down a peg that's just what pretty girl pretty they just are like i can just do whatever I want ever and anytime. I just think rich people in general do it over there.

I told you about... No, it's pretty women. Pretty women are living the life that people think They're walking down the street. The kind I'd like to meet. Pretty woman. Pretty woman walking down the street.

Yeah, they're becoming famous even though they're actually prostitutes because a John gives them some money. And I'm just naming the plot. Just a random guy named John who donates to their OnlyFans. No, but I'm sick of the upper crust just getting away with it. I told you the other day I had a little social justice moment where the dude was driving up my street. So I'm out doing my leaves.

I'm out raking my leaves my yeah yeah yeah i'm out raking my leaves like a good fucking citizen like a homeowner dude yeah like a homeowner baby and i'm out there and i told you before i'm a guy i'll yell at somebody if they're driving too fast down my street i got a kid yeah you're gonna play there one day i'll let him know i live on a thruway pussies and uh i could hear this guy ripping up the street i could see him coming skateboard and i just i had my headphones on i could still hear his car even with like noise canceling on i could hear it yeah so i look up and i see him coming up and it was very cold like 42 degrees i was pretty layered up yeah um just because i respect body heat you

had some hard nips out of it and not that it matters but just no they weren't hard because i was layered properly okay they're they're good they're at a medium good all right good um i like to keep them you know i know you do i know you do yeah of course yeah and i could see him barreling up the street and then i was like oh this guy's in a convertible and it's like 41 degrees and it's like a volvo convertible and i was like you know what first off fuck this guy for driving up the street this fast two don't be that guy it's like i got a convertible i'm putting the top down the sun's out baby yeah so right then my brain was like you got a leaf blower you got a pile of leaves he's about to pass you what are you gonna do about it yeah and i just slightly turned the leaf blower didn't look at him blew some leaves directly into his car yeah the perfect

arc beautiful and all i could hear was because i at that point paul's my headphones all i could hear was him just go god damn it what the fuck as he just kept going i'm telling you the most he would have had to do such a tight k turn to come back yeah and i would have just blown more leaves back you just not even talk to him just blow leaves take a sip out of your coffee mug as you're doing it i felt so good about it but like that night i told you i was like i'd scored one for the little guy i think that's an incredible thing but then the empath in me for the next day i started thinking of other scenarios i was like oh man what if like that wasn't even his car and his boss was like here you go jenkins go pick up my car you're a fucking that's not an empath and he accidentally put the top down and he couldn't

figure out how to put it back up you're looking at the you gotta hope that those leaves clouded his vision and he totaled his car and crashed it. I also think of the other thing too. Like what if I did that? And then he swerved into a house and just died. Yeah, but is that your fault? And they're like, and then some like amazing detective like comes in

and he's like, this leaf doesn't exist on the southmost side of this street. It had to have come from the other side. And then he looks out and he sees my footprints next to a leaf pile he comes in he's like let me smell your hands like yeah oil two-stroke oil from a leaf blower it was him arbor leaves throw the book out throw the book and then i'm in jail and they're like what'd you do i'm like i didn't do nothing wrong see i did it for the little man i took down the the upper you know the upper one percent i'd do it all over again if i could how'd you do it knife gun nah blow ryobi i blew that guy senseless ryobi and it's the kind

with the rechargeable pack where it works in your weed whacker your leaf blower your shop light your spray gun i don't know to ryobi if we could get a sponsor if and when you do an asian guy if and when you do own a home buddy get yourself some ryobi it's neon green yeah you can't miss it in home depot it's just yard tools and stuff it's the same battery for everything yeah well i'll tell you this it's a real homeowner's fucking dream because you said that i'll tell you this you just made me think ofowner's fucking dream. Because you said that, I'll tell you this. You just made me think of this. Fuck you. No.

I'm not buying a house, dude. Ever. I'm going to be a rent and a little bad boy, dude. You know the musical Rent? Yeah. It's about my financial decisions over the next 30 years. Damn. Oh, I want to be like a fun uncle figure to you, and I want to gift you a toolbox.

I'm just like, here you go, son. And I come over- If you gifted me Bud Light and then a toolbox, you are the ultimate uncle. I'm actually your uncle. I'm officially, legally your uncle. Yeah, damn. That's a good thing. I'm going to look into it.

Do you think I could – now you can do like – you can get like a surrogate parent. Do you think I could be legally your uncle? If there's an avenue, we got to make it happen. We got to look into this. Dude, then you got to buy me presents. Dude, and we're just placed and you're like, who's that? And you're like, it's my Uncle John. It's my Uncle John.

Who's he related to? Nobody that I know of, actually. I think we did the math. I don't think he's actually even old enough where he could be my uncle. He could be. He'd be a young 10-year-old lad. He actually was born way after my grandparents passed away. Oh, my parents.

Well, it'd be nice, because I think my dad's lost a lot of siblings. I'm sure he'll take one on the roster. You can add him. You can add him. I just want to see you introing me at the open mic. You're like, this next guy is my uncle. Is my uncle. Legally.

And you just have it. It rolls down, but it's like fucking like a cartoon. Like a scroll. That's how legal people's are filed it's a legal people's legal people's i don't know i lost over that because i told you i'm my i'm your uncle yeah you're gonna turn back into a kid you're a good hunk dude you're great am i really allowed to have this bill damn that's sick i got a i got a cousin i got an aunt now i actually already have an aunt t i won't say the name but the same name and she's unique

anyway all right so i'm gonna be your uncle no i want to gift you that's what it is you i think it was i'm stealing this from uh parks and rec but like you i'm on the way over and you're like hey man you have like a wrench we just need to let and i come in with the toolbox yeah but instead of just doing it for you i teach you how to fix the pipe on the back yeah but it's already immediately disproved because i have a beeping going on in my oven that you took one well no no there's no tool that takes care of a beep dude i'm the tool that i'm not there yet i'm still getting good at being an uncle i mean i just became your yeah you're right i don't want to push you i want you to to grow your own pace. But then when I'm going to leave, you're like, oh, Uncle John, your toolbox.

And I say, my toolbox or yours? And I just shut the door. And you open it. Wow. You open it. It's just a wrench, an uncrustable, and like seven rusty nails. I make a pipe bomb and I go to prison. You open it and it's just full of beer.

Just like candid photos of Kyle Rittenhouse. I'm like, what the fuck is this? Damn, I'm going to start doing that. Just bring a toolbox everywhere. And then people are like, what's up? And they're like, I don't know. I'm just here to get to work. Open it and it's just beers in there.

You go to Heritages and you give it to the old lady. And she's like, can you just end the pain? Oh, no. The sun's setting. Oh, no. I'm taking my true form oh man that poor goat dude i want to fist fight that old lady at heritages i'll take her down smooth i want to get us a heritages cow let's get the heritage sponsorship i want i said i want a heritage sponsorship that'd

be fucking amazing i i would walk around dripped out and especially because heritage's doesn't exist where we live right now true it's only gloucester county yeah yeah just walking around here dripped out in heritage's i'm not mad at that oh dude i throw on a heritage's hoodie pair of heritage's sweatpants heritage Heritage's. Come at us. Even if you just want to give us one free hoagie. Dude, can I tell you something right now? Yeah. I've said Heritage's the correct way so many times.

You just said it the right way. No, I say both. So you say both. No, you say both. Man can't say both. You can say it's Heritage's, Heritage's. Dude, you're a bad one. Did you have stop shops, one stop shop in your town too? That's what happened when the Wawa went under.

And then you also, this is so bad looking back. I think we talked about it before. So it was always owned by Indian people. Yeah. So they started calling the one dot shop as a joke. Yeah, of course.

And then that store eventually just became referred to as the Dottie. Okay. And I didn't know the reasoning behind this. It was introduced to me as run over to the Dottie

and get this for an older kid. Go grab something for an older kid go grab some something for an older kid i didn't know that dotty was like a bad thing yeah then i came home my parents were like oh where'd you get all this candy i was like i was up with the dotty yeah and i remember my mom just like smacking my head and being like that's terrible you don't yeah and i was like why is this i thought i thought someone named dotty owned it and then she explained it to me i'm like oh my god yeah the vadia nathans neighbors, are going to be so mad at me. Dude, a lot of my family would call it Dunkin' Dot Nuts.

And I thought, I was just like, all right, that makes sense to me. And I didn't realize that calling a person a dot head is inappropriate and it's mean. I just thought it was like, because as a kid, you observe things for what they literally are. So I'm like, okay, there's every Dunkin' Donuts I go to, it's a lot's like a thing i just thought it was like because i look like as a kid you observe things for what they literally are yeah so i'm like okay there's every dunkin donuts i go to it's a lot of indian people a lot of them have like a small like jewel or some kind of thing on their head i was like they're dot heads that makes sense still a thing like it's less now i think as indian people are i think you can still make fun of indian people because i just feel like knowing i don't know and this again me being totally ignorant i don't know like what sect of indian people have it down their head

which ones don't if it's even indian people whatever you know what i mean might be like so i don't i have no idea yeah we're not gonna figure it out because we're dumb no we're cool and we're idiots but i feel like you don't see many people like our age range that have that now yeah but is it also how like i don't go to church like everyone all my parents and even they weren't religious like my aunts and uncles like went to church did that stuff every one of me and my cousins and my friends are all baptized yeah my kids not yet no well when you wanted to burn in hell forever dude as my nephew i would like for you to be her confirmations

but like no like that was just like a thing i think and that died out with past my parents generation i think it's a little bit i think people just generally are less religious like i remember when i was my this is actually kind of funny that i'm thinking about i was uh for my work we had to go down to virginia and take this big class i was there for a month. Like I stayed in a hotel the whole time. And they basically like lump you in with somebody else to drive down there so they can save money. So you just take a car, like a government – not a government car. And you drive down there with somebody. And I drove down there with this girl.

She was Muslim. I'm pretty sure she was Muslim. She was Pakistani. And like as we're driving down she's like telling me all this stuff like i have a boyfriend my family can't know he's did you do the driving me and that's not a religious thing that's just a women thing no i did the driving because she literally no you're exactly right she's like i don't have a license that's what i swear to god not like not a really that's another weird thing too like when you meet somebody who grew up in like

new york new york like yeah new york city and they're like i've never driven a car i don't have a license i'm like you're 42 it's so weird it makes me feel but then you're like oh yeah i guess that makes sense no i still lose respect for them i'm like just it's not that hard figure it out but we're driving down there and she's like telling me all this stuff like i have a boyfriend he's a white guy i can't tell my family my family has somebody arranged for me to marry them and this is the first time i've like met the girl but we ended up being like pretty good friends thereafter but like oh hi i'm matt i'm white so things are a lot easier for me um and uh so we're like driving down she tells me this whole life story i'm like this is like it's pretty interesting it's like you feel bad for her like she literally had an arranged marriage setup

so when i go down to take this class we're all the same age we're all fresh out of college so we're all like getting hammered all the time yeah you know one night we all go out we get hammered and i just go up to her like it's bullshit what they're doing it's like the seventh day i've known this girl's like it's bullshit what they're doing to you they shouldn't hold back women like this if that's what your religion is i'd leave and she's like call your dad i got something to say i'm gonna get another drink and we're gonna facetime your dad well her white boyfriend was me the whole time yeah we don't talk anymore though i think she might have gotten rubbed the wrong way by that one that is great arranged marriages are crazy but like everyone's like it's so terrible but then you think of like the guy that could have never gotten laid or never met a girl

and he's like yeah arranged marriages are fucking they did a thing i think it's like fucking impractical jokers and they were like supposed to be coming up with ideas for a city and the one idea they had was like elective arranged marriage for hopeless singles and the lady was like that's a good idea yeah like it was supposed to sound bad and it was like it's not a bad idea that'll be an app in a year like 100% yeah what good idea. Yeah. Like it was supposed to sound bad. And I was like, it's not a bad idea. That'll be an app in a year. Oh, 100%. Yeah. What's Tinder will be like.

It's called sad. Sadder. Instead of Tinder, it's settler. Good enough. Yeah, good enough. Speaking of good enough, we're at an hour. Fucking crushed an hour. Dude, we are good.

It's Thanksgiving Eve. Thanksgiving Eve. Listener, happy Thanksgiving to you and yours. If you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, I don't know. And again, if you guys... Enjoy your Thursday. If you guys struggle with separating what happened back in the 1500s, 600 years ago, just understand you're heard and we respect you well no it's all it's all

come full circle because the indians have convenience stores is that am i not different indians different indians no you're wrong it's exact same people okay yeah we're educated really putting a bow on this one what do you have coming up other than turkey when you throw i actually looked at it john and i have talked john and i will i won't go too long with us we both have this thing in comedy where we get booked a pretty good amount but we feel uncomfortable asking people to like if we can do their show so i've tried to force myself for yourself i've asked my way into like six shows recently oh you're a piece of shit well this is what i tried to do i put up a status that was basically like hey put me on your show this weekend lol who cares lol december is pretty dry

lol i'm serious though lol and that so basically what i'm saying is december i think i have like three shows which is not great huh it didn't work no just all my comedy friends comment you went from ew i feel so disgusting privately asking one person to be on their show to now you're like hey everyone i know i thought it was more of a bit i thought everybody would have a great time the worst thing is when you you put a post that you in your head you're like everyone will get the sarcasm in this yeah i did it today when i posted a thing i posted the thing of kyle riddenhouse meeting trump and i was like oh no way it was like uh either self-defense or murder you can now kill your way into meeting

yeah you're playing both sides but also people that are scrolling past just saw me repost a picture of trump and kyle riddenhouse stop the count and i think i put the seinfeld theme to it i don't know dude stop the count was actually about Count Chocula just kept producing cereal. Stop the Count was just, they were like, school's going on long enough. These kids need to learn a trade, not math with counting horse. That's pretty good. What do I have? I don't, December 9th, I'll be at the Belfont Brewery.

Monday, I'll be doing the roast battle against Jeff Colella. January, the show on the Poconos that we're working on. Details will come out. Poc news uh i think i have something oh december 11th will be at st marks in new york city something else but yeah put me on your shows this is i've never i know it sounds douchey but i have not been in a dry spell like this you have done a real twist from i feel so icky saying it well now that i because i always have dates and now that i don't have anything like fully lined up true i feel like a fucking loser true speaking of nothing lined up uh you can catch me at one show this next month uh i don't know where it is but uh with cricket comedy at uh secret sauce i think the 5th of December. Bam. Out in

Delaware County. Delco. What up? Yeah, what up, cuz? Delco needs heritage. They belong there. I can't believe it's not. Yeah. Shocking. But if I do get anything, you can find me at MonteComedy on Instagram. HaxComedyGoff as well. People have asked

me if it's coming back. I don't know. Well, it will be back and I'll be the first one on the episode. We'll do like a little top golf trip. We can talk about it next episode. We had a fun trip out to Carlisle. We didn't talk about anything meaningful for an hour. We're impressive at this point. Welcome to

podcasts. It's what it is, baby. But that'll do it. Matt Peoples comedy on Instagram. Matt Peoples. I put up a TikTok recently that I thought was kind of funny. it's probably pretty bad it's begging for shows i actually deleted it but i'm planning to repost it oh that's so terrible oh it's embarrassing it was the whole thing i told you the one bit i had about like uh i saw mommy sit kissing santa claus i did it oh fuck you dude look i'm trying to be famous that was like your biggest dream was to make it and then you made it and you were like this is dog shit i got done with it i had a butcher knife

in my bathroom i won't give any context when you're excited to go do a joke at an open mic and then it so painfully bombs that you're like yeah there's nothing there but the whole day you were like it's gonna be the best thing i've written oh my great dude this is what it is but uh yeah follow me and uh like John said, Kyle Rittenhouse is innocent. So. Right. No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of FANZA No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of FANZA No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of

FANZA No fun, nobody, no fun, but time to live a bit of FANZA