That Rules Podcast - Episode #27: Carharcttic Wolf (the Saga of Carhartt Brown)

Episode Date: November 30, 2021

Thanksgiving is a time where we take time to reflect on all the things we are truly Thankful for, and we are thankful for our weekly chance to make you just a little bit dumber. You want facts and interesting info? Then go read a book you fucking nerd! Use promo code “CARHARTT BROWN” at your local Heritage’s Dairy Store for 240% off your next hoagie.

🎵 I had the 27th episode of our mediocre podcast with my boy, Johnny Mons. But we're ending it today. I believe that we are done. This is the whole episode. And I know that it's true. That you're gonna blame the Jews.

Whoa. Anyway. Anyway, welcome to the show. Thanks for tuning in. Welcome to the Handsome Idiots Podcast starring your favorite host, John Montag, and myself, Matt Peebles, for episode 27 of the Handsome Idiots Podcast. Let's give it just a little intro. What would you say that impression was?

And before you finish, were you happy with it? Can I be honest with you? That impression fucking was awesome. Incredible. Outstanding. And then, dude, this is my issue that I've had with you for probably seven or eight years now. Every time somebody does an impression, you're always like, who was that of? It doesn't matter, dude.

It's even better if it's when I love the comic that has like if they're just impressions and they always have to do like some weird lead in. They're like, you guys remember the 90s? Wouldn't it be weird if we were here with Denzel Washington right now? Wouldn't it be weird? Well, maybe he's at the door. And then they go into the impression and it's always like denzel washington making soup you're like no like wouldn't it be weird if hitler was part of world war ii there he was okay well let's take a walk back in time

dude he always was like young and The worst, the worst beyond that too is they were talking about a thing I was listening to recently is a voice instrumentalist. So just like acts that

are, they do like air guitar comedy. Oh, what is that? That could be a thing. It's a person that just puts reverb on

on a mic and then it's like Oh my God, wasn't good didn't that les paul sound amazing maybe it's almost as good as this trumpet i mean then you have to tell like a story comedy part coming that's it oh people are just giggling at sounds yeah it's uh cruise ship comedy so that'd be like if somebody went to see a band and the person played guitar and they started pissing themselves laughing watching it yeah what is funny about an instrument nothing but it's more of like isn't it impressive that i can do this

thing and intertwine it in a story i want to beat up anybody who does the one that i was watching was a guy was like uh he was like you know as a kid i didn't have a lot so i couldn't afford a guitar so i went in my room and figured i would just and he's like that's right fender stratic and everybody goes i know this guy's you know definitely had sex with a woman before yeah and then he goes on and he names other instruments the same thing he's just like i mean i thought like i have guitar why not get drums i fucking hate this have you seen this in real life or you just heard the rumors i've seen it like online but i've never seen it in person do you get a little porn hub you're gonna know some weird sections of that place dude i just reached the end

of porn hub just yeah i think somebody's a joke about that where they're just like a finished porn i don't know what it is actually i know who it was i'll get into that later it's all part of a story that i'll tell later on all right but here we are dude it's a sunday fun day i went and i had a thick day the eagles lost that's always good that's always good when they lose the day after the Sixers lose a overtime heartbreaker and uh I'm gonna kill myself and uh the real final so that really is how it ends and you're like and unfortunately I'm aiming the gun through my head and at yours damn dude I'd probably go that was the guy doing the we just have slambient noise did your window open i don't think so did it sound open sometimes sometimes big beef leaves it open that guy's system just bumped no i think he was doing

comedy of instruments see that's when in voice instrumentalism damn i just nailed that comes in play is when you're in the car and you don't have a radio or anything you're like man i got a six hour car ride good thing jimmy hendrix is here with me that sounds like something that would be in like a ricola commercial where like a guy has a sore throat and then he's like i can't perform and then he takes a ricola and they do the ricola and then it's out it's him out there doing it dude this probably sounds great on audio this is if you've made it past this four and a half five minutes congratulations it's so weird to do it while i'm looking directly at my tv screen that is steph curry a fat youth and anthony fauci which a lot of people are starting to say is the

new holy trinity that sounds like a great joke you You're like, Steph Curry, a fat youth, and Anthony Fauci walk into a bar. One plays with a ball, the other plays with a bat. Bartender says, what are you here for? Fauci's like, where's your mask? Man, I had nothing on that. I don't think there's a lot to go off of from that. Ooh, Idiots in Cars 118 dude you're not watching your boy absolutely watches car accidents when he has free time you ever get in a car accident game no i mean i was i was in the game myself personally

okay getting in car accidents but no i haven't gone down the rabbit hole yet i'm still i think i told you i'm on uh shark tank worst ideas is my rabbit hole oh i like that yeah that's actually pretty good that's apparently shark tank australia apparently australians are pretty retarded what are you doing mate i don't know why i did boston my new product how would they say my new product with mark cuban dude the one guy he he claimed to have reinvented trucks of a skateboard but like he refused to give them the how it's reinvented he just brought it in he's like and these are the new skate tech skate tech skate uh trucks and i'm just making that name up and then they're like oh okay they look great the board design looks amazing what separates these these from a standard truck? And he's like, well, I improved it.

And they're like, okay, we get that. But did you make it out of a new metal? They're trying to help him out. Did you rethink the construction of it? He's like, well, I can't tell you that. I'm here for investments. And they're like, no, you have to tell us if you want our money. And it came to the end.

He's like, he's like no no um all right i guess i'm out i'll stop by saying hello everyone the clip ended you never found out what he did to reinvent the skate truck i am reinventing skateboards but he his presentation was like well all right well it used to be like this one but now it's like this one. Remember the actual product in hand? It's different. No, but he would just show an old truck and then his that was like new and it was painted green. What if he showed it? That was his thing.

He's like, but I did. I painted it. Wouldn't it be great if his new trucks was a Ford F-150? He just told you to put a skate deck on the roof of it and he's like these are my brand new trucks makes it all better you can go a lot faster literally it's actually a truck so you can't say it's not and i need to reiterate hello yeah i'd be remiss if i didn't say hello to all you good eye saying hello that's all i got in an Australian accent.

I don't think we have any Australian listeners. Good. Do you know any Australian people? Fucking koalas. I don't know if I that they're real. I don't know if I've ever met an Australian in person. No. No, I met an Irish guy in person.

And he was everything you'd thought he was going to be. I know. I know him myself. He was a piece of shit sweetheart yeah like yep well the one i know i think he was like 23 and he was making moves on my 14 year old sister at the time no i was like damn until they get down in the motherland i guess yeah but fucking australia if you really think about it dude uh it's a random like dude okay it's a it's a small island that british people move to and they just

live and it's off like the outskirts of the fucking i think there's a lot of asian people in australia i've heard which i've heard it's wild that when you you walk in somewhere and there's a asian restaurant very asian looking woman yeah and then you think she's gonna have an asian accent she's like oh good i all right hello hello look at all the fans like that apparently down in mexico too i think there's a large asian population and they said you just go down there like hello i'm from taiwan i would like yo what's up homie asian cholo is that right asian no an asian guy that'd be incredible but that's can't well i guess Asian people can be anywhere. I've always said that. I have no problem wherever they are. And I just want to

say that to the listeners, if you're Asian, go where you please. That's probably the theme of the podcast. That could be easily edited to say, if you're Asian, go back. If you are Asian, we hate you. Hello. Hello. Do you think we put enough content online that AI

can just form, not Allen Iverson, artificial Iverson. You think that AI can just form a conversation between like, it would have somebody call as me. Like we put enough content online. Yeah, they have our voice. But it's like, hello, it's me, John. I am here too.

It's just slightly off. Wouldn't it be funny if AI made a better podcast than ours? Like with our voices? I mean, it's me, John. I am here, too. It's just slightly awful. Wouldn't it be funny if AI made a better podcast than ours? Like, with our voices? I mean, it definitely can. Like, here's our topics. There you go. Here's the challenge to AI. And this could be Allen Iverson if he wants to accept the challenge.

His little beer belly. Try to be better than us. Yeah, you really can't, dude. Honestly. Try. And if you succeed, can we have some? Can we have some of that? Can we have some of that? Can we have a bite of your success?

But if not, you know what? I might regret this in 10 years. Yeah, go ahead. Technology can suck, yeah. Wow, dude. When you're enslaved and your family is run by robots, you're going to regret everything. When they stamp that quote on my head. When the laser police stamp that on my head.

Because they're robots. When they robocop you dude here's one thing that the AI could never do they couldn't both be wearing hats different kinds of hats

and that's exactly what we're doing right now true I'll tell you what the more I wear hats the more I'm like god I look like a fucking idiot in hats

you ever feel like that no because I look great in hats people are saying I look the best in hats who said that I have such an understanding of hats

that it's like I can't look bad in one at this point rank your hats rank your types of hats that you think I look the best in hats. Who said that? I have such an understanding of hats that it's like I can't look bad in one at this point. Rank your hats. Rank your types of hats that you think you look best in. That I think I look best in? Give me top three. I'm crushing this beanie right now. Dude, I got to be honest with you.

Beanie's probably like four or five, dude. For you? For you, bro. For me? Yeah, dude. I've seen you in some better. If this is four, I might want to know. You're like Fedora.

You've never even seen yourself in one. I photoshopped it. Dude, you're not going to like what I tell you number one is, but I want to hear your list. Go ahead. I mean, best hat for me, I'm going classic, MLB, fitted, authentic, on the field hat. Fair. And I go low crown, pre-curve brim. I don't go flat brim.

Low crown, pre-curve brim. I don't go flat brim. And I understand my hat size perfectly in that, which randomly will fluctuate. Sometimes a 7 1⁄8 or 7 3⁄8. Is that weed or the hat? Yeah. Are we talking hats? 7 1⁄8 could.

I don't know. They fit differently in different colors. So I'm going to put that as number one. Number two, a good old rope hat. A good unstructured crown rope hat. What's a rope hat? A golf hat that has a rope across the brim. You literally don't know what a rope hat is. What, like a sailor?

You clearly don't know what a hat is. Wait, dude, hold on. Hold your horses at all. Like a sailor? Like where they have the rope on it and then the fucking anchor? I mean, it's a cap like yours, but across the top of i mean there it's a a cap like a like yours but across the top of the brim there's a rope dude the only rope that's gone on my head is going around my fucking neck i hope so which leads me to my third best hat yeah uh i have a winter trapper hat which

is the uh like the real canadian look of all the ear flaps that okay yeah dude i'm so ready for winter dude you're actually pretty good when it comes to headwear i just bought uh a carhartt coveralls suit what do you plan to do so every year when i shovel i i always hate like i don't know the jackets either too warm or the pants like i wear like snow pants like ski pants and i was like you know what fuck it i'm just gonna look like a union worker and i went the uh true car cohort i can't talk about dude carhartt brown which is their own color that's also my black friend's name it's my black friend who's a superhero he's a lawyer so i got that and it was hilarious because

when i went in i ended up having to order online but i went to the store because they have the carhartt store here yeah yeah and carhartt is popular now it's like how you talk about champion turned around bang bang carhartt same thing it was just a work guy gear now it's popular so it was on black friday i went in the afternoon because it wasn't that busy there a group of like six like just girls girls named Megan were in front of me. Yeah. And then to the right of me was just a bunch of contractors. Yeah, dude.

Oh, I got the same thing. And then I was like, oh man, I'm such a fucking loser. I fall in between these two. Yeah. I have my own category of guy who works from home who wants to feel manly. You're Megan the contractor. Yeah. of guy who works from home who wants to feel manly you're begging the contractor when yeah when he uh guy who wants to feel tough and manly when he shovels his driveway it's not even gonna

snow you're like megan who likes to get her hands dirty and mess around a little bit but she appreciates being taken on a nice date yeah she she appreciates that the unions were providing her with a good pension of course but she also is not afraid to put her hair down and go out and have a glass of wine. Oh, hey now. Dude, I had the same experience. I went to that same Carhartt, except I had no Meggans. I had a bunch of thuds. There's thuds and there's Meggans.

I was in there with a bunch of thuds. Dude, I go in there with my cute little sweet boy ankles. I have like a fucking Henley on. And I'm like, oh, I'm just checking out your face, gentlemen. Don't mind me. And they're like, who's this ninny in here? I could be rugged, too. Everybody got a chance to come up and give me a wedgie.

And I was like, ooh, it's right up the tooter. The dude that, when I went to try it, I was like, all right, I know exactly which one I want. And I was standing there. I took it off the rack. And it's a coverall. You can put it over anything. Tuxedo, sweatpants. Yeah, anything.

Those two things. I'm going to be shoveling snow with a tuxedo um sweatpants yeah anything those two things i'm gonna be shoveling snow on with a tuxedo underneath my car just in case any international mystery is afoot i hate when international mystery gets up um but i took it off the rack and i was like i looked at the dude he walked over and he's got like he was like definitely like a like works in a craftsman type shop but he was also just like a hippie so he has like these big overalls on he's like hey man what's up i was like nothing i just wanted to try on this thing i was like it's a cool bunch of try ones to bring us in the dressing room do i and he's like i don't know you plan on trying on with clothes on i was like actually funny thing i like to plan on pulling my dick out in this carhartt store and trying on he goes hey i mean some people might be into it and then just walks away

is he real person he worked there he had a lanyard i mean he's a figment of your imagination he's been a guy with a lanyard in carhartt and then he just walked away and i put it on and i didn't realize he walked away i looked up and i was like it fits great and he wasn't there yeah there was just two contractors that were like cool buddy we're proud of you what union are you in

I'm just throwing out I'm like I'm in the local 732 yeah you just say a number and they're like what's that I'm like steam fitting concrete

HVAC shovel snow and if you ever need to get in a conversation here's what you say you just go alright my mom needs me back I'm gonna head home

and then they go what my mom needs me back yeah my mom's waiting out for us she's probably trying to get into a conversation, here's what you say. You just go, all right, my mom needs me back. I'm going to head home. And then they go, what? Your mom needs me back? Yeah, my mom's waiting out for us. She's probably going to get out of here. And then do like a cartoon. It's like, whew.

Yeah, so I'm going to be, whenever it arrives, I'm going to be, I might just wear it in here. I might just be a Carhartt. You're more than welcome, dude. People start calling you the Arctic Wolf. You heard this stuff? You ever heard of it? Did I hear of it? They're calling me the Carharttic Wolf. They call you wolf they call the car heartic wolf well there's your episode title it's either going to be car tick wolf or hell are it is funny though like carhartt became a uh

stylish thing like an ironically stylish thing dickies is cool too it's like worker it's just like a it's so funny that gen z is just like people who like to work hard. They literally are turning down jobs because they're like, I mean, I want to put my focus on my art. And then the person's like, well, we're offering you an $80,000 a year job right out of college. They're like, I said art. I said art and I said no capitalism. So the people that literally don't want to work are wearing work gear. It's so insane, dude. And it's like Carhartt pulls no punches.

It's like Carhartt, we're for workers, pussy. Dude, who would have thought fashion would have been dressing like Michael Myers? What the fuck? Big onesie. Who would have thought fashion would be dressing like my Uncle Greg? You know what doesn't get thought of enough? That dude was wearing a onesie, so he had to at some point put it on. And you never look more like a bitch than when you're putting on something that's just one full thing.

Like when Michael Myers goes to the bathroom. That's the thing I bought. I bought one full thing. That's what I'm saying, dude. When he goes to the bathroom, he's got to get thought of. Yeah, you got to like shimmy back into it. What are the things that the girls wear? They're used to wearing the one piece.

It's all one piece. Like a singlet? Yeah, no. It was like a... A bodysuit. No, what the hell romper that's it it was a romper sorry that was carhart brown he's got basketball practice all right well so uh but uh yeah so like that's kind of funny to think that like michael myers

they made band rompers for a while too and they tried to make them romp him romp him yeah and that was a heavy instagram blitz i think like if you were a white guy between 24 and 36 it was the male romper was pushed heavy on you for a second i took a hard look at him i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna like carl brown's walking out like he's going to get his car take it easy and you can do the job when you're in town. A romper guy? I hate a romper guy. Yeah, I don't try. One of my buddies.

Because he's so confident. Yeah. And he's probably a pretty good looking-ish dude. I think back to one time, like this is back in the old single days. I was like, not talking to this lady, more so just looking at her. I'm not even kidding. It was pretty creepy. It was one of those ones where you kind of feel like she requested. There was a little bit of looking going on.

And this guy was around Halloween time. And this dude comes in in like a full teddy bear fucking costume. Has the hood down. He's a good looking dude. And he just goes over and starts talking to her. And then later in the night, I watched him walk out with her. I was like, damn, dude. He's pulling girls in a teddy bear onesie gotta be honest this

woman's probably like 45 years old it's like all right well not my first that amount of confidence angers me i know i feel like i'm a confident person and i'm still a coward all the time well you know you know there's nothing that always gets me about those things i think it'd be funny at first and then i think about whenever the funniness wears down when you have to get out of that thing well no it's then you're just a guy in a bear suit like at first like oh shit like that's funny and then like an hour later you're just like standing there you also i mean that's a rule of numbers you got our law numbers. You just like, gotta be ready to have 60 girls tell you to go to hell. Yeah.

For one girl to be like, Oh my God, bears, dude. That's cute. That's awesome. Actually. And in that vein,

shout out to, uh, these guys actually might be able to be a sponsor of the podcast. Uh, wild coat. My friend owns a company that is the, uh, bear coat that like,

you remember from workaholics? I never watched. Really? Okay. So it's, I mean, it's a coat that is the uh bear coat that like you remember from workaholics i never watched really okay so it's i mean it's a coat that looks like a bear like when you put the hood up yeah it's the head of a bear oh that's kind of cool like fucking hercules looking shit yeah like look it up uh wild coat uh coat but yeah shout out to them uh but he has like a bear coat and it's for like when you snowboard ski stuff like that but to be like that person on the mountain that is like that confident and wearing that you have to be an awesome skier yeah or just the coolest dude or both true wildcoat.com that can't be right it should be it oh i found this bit was it carly damielio? Carlo DiMio. Oh, there it is. Dude, that's fucking wild.

Yeah. So I got one of their t-shirts. Cool t-shirts, too. Dude, isn't that what the guy who stormed the Capitol was wearing? I'm like 90% sure. It's very similar. But something that's that specific, it's similar. These companies, not Capitol stormers.

No, good, good. They are a Denver-based fucking chill bro company. Oh, shit shit that's actually capital storming that's it i'm like they they live in the woods they run by their own rules it's a militia they listen to joe rogan they're cool guys no that's they are cool their t-shirts awesome it's a bear wearing a human coat the cartoon of it this is a solid t-shirt all right fuck it so yeah check i'll ask him maybe he'll throw us a little sponsorship give us millions just a good dude he's one of my i actually the first podcast i ever had he was on i was on like a podcast like six episodes with him wow how about that i don't

you know a lot of people do i mean i'm very you you're plugged in like uh i'm plugged in you need a bear coat i got you which is insane i don't know pizza made in your backyard at a party i got you not bad i'm not mad at that you don't know many people do i probably know for a guy named peoples i know i keep it i keep it low baby well i fucking and it's plural too you're not mad people yeah nobody ever made that joke i was like people like girls just call me mad persons and that's how i knew they had a crush on me and then people who didn't have a crush on me called me Matt Pimples because I had acne. If you were younger now they would be calling you Matt They.

Matt Indigenous Peoples. Instead of Matthew I'm Matt They. Matt They. My pronouns are Matt They. Matt They. That's such a shame that all those pronoun jokes got hacked so quick. Like my pronouns are he, hall.

Yeah. I saw one joke on, like, TikTok. It was like, fat girl's worried about their pronouns. Like, it's not her, she. I was like, it's pretty good. Fat, her, she. Oh, I get it now. That one's a thinker.

You have to read it to get it. That one's a real thinker and quite a stinker, if you ask me. But yeah, dude, who the fuck knows? That was, Big J. O'Gerson made the joke that he was like, some girls are so big that they have to identify as they. Yeah. We'll tell you, this is a good fucking segue. Also, Big J. fucking hilarious.

You know where I was at on Friday? Did you go and see Big J? I saw Big J. Hell yeah. How was that? You know, sometimes, I think we talked about it with somebody else. You watch somebody do comedy and you're like, fuck, man. I got a lot of time.

Yeah, you're like, oh, I don't even do comedy. Yeah, it's like you think about stuff, you do it. This is a different thing. Dude, 52 minutes of crowd work. Yeah, and he said that he's not doing any new content on this stint in Philly this week because he wants to come back to be gay next year and film a special, so he didn't want to burn it. He said it at Helium. He was like, I'm filming a special here.

He didn't mention he's not doing any material. It's so cool, too, that comedy has gotten broken down enough now that somebody can go up and be like... We saw that when we saw Mark Norman at the cave. He went up and he was like, all right, I'm going to do some jokes, and try some new stuff yeah see if you guys like it and then i'm gonna go back to the jokes yeah like i feel like that never existed i mean it's comedies everywhere now yeah i saw that in a basement so it's different right he was getting it ready for his special yeah but i kind of like that now that it's like big j can go up be like hello everyone here's a little precursor to this like well not to get too far off but i

think that's also it sets the table knowing at that point you're like crowd works coming like well it's crowd works coming and then also like it kind of like it breaks down that wall where it gives a little more authenticity to like the performer like jerry seinfeld you look at him and he is his jokes but you watch comedians nowadays it's like hey i'm gonna try these in front of you guys see if you like it it's kind of like it makes it a little more human i guess yeah but i think those those older guys would never dare like that was like an unwritten code i feel like if they saw somebody do that they'd be like hack like yeah like they're like that's what an open mic's for yeah and then or not me and i'm like that's what yeah i mean they had they probably literally looked but that's like i hate

there's so many dumb rules that they try to put in the stand-up it's like yeah it's not as deep but uh yeah dude it was fucking inside i went to the late show too so like the late show is perfect for crowd work yeah people are hammered i was hammered and like that's i'd say you hit the perfect show of a weekend like and i'm sure other comics may disagree but for me going to like shows at an actual comedy club, the late Friday show is always one of the most fun crowds. Yeah. And for me, it's when the performer who is doing a Thursday, Friday, Saturday night thing, they're warmed up. The Thursday night was getting loose.

First one, yeah, getting into it. Friday, I think they're ready to go. And then sometimes I've seen Saturdays where it's not that they they're phoning it in but they're at the end of a long three days because you figure they're boozing they're doing the same act six times in three days i think you're exactly right that third show you can and then that's why you always hear about like the really big comics hate doing sundays yeah because like no that's when i go home right and that's what like that's really what it was like i think he had a wednesday seven o'clock and then friday was seven and ten so he said i think by the third show it's kind of like the third beer rule like once you have the third beer like i'm cooking

oh yeah once you have the third show you're probably like all right now i'm fucking i'm into it but uh it was cool too because i took my buddy who doesn't really follow stand-up a lot and it was cool like bringing somebody into helium that isn't in a stand-up but being like damn it's so fucking cool in here i'm like i know right yeah it's sick i was like he's like it's kind of it's like you feel it feels like underground and like a dark edition i was like that's really it amazes me that it's not bigger than i mean it's huge it's huge in comedy like but i think even outside of it like people are always looking for especially now that people are back out and living their life outdoors and going in places.

Yeah. You'd think more and more people are going to look for a new form of entertainment. Yeah. And I think they are. I think people were kind of like, there was people like, I guess I kind of walked in there with an idea of like, here's what the audience is going to look like. Right. But there's like good looking women there. There's just like regular looking like finance bros.

Yeah. And there's like pink hair in like finance bros and then there's like pink hair in the front row like it was cool there's people you could tell like i fucking love big j and i also could tell these two girls sitting next to me literally said out loud like why does he keep talking to the audience and i'm like because he's the one of the greatest like that's so funny that's somebody that's that's you stumbling on a gym and lebron's in there shooting free throws and someone's like what the fuck's this dude doing shooting you're like this is one of the greatest players of all time i'm getting to see eight feet away and they and you could tell that

they were just like terrible analogy that was awful that's just like if i walked into a gym at the very least i'd be like fuck that guy's tall huh i got next pussy you walked into a gym at the very least i'd be like fuck that guy's tall huh i got next pussy you walked into a gym with no frame of reference why is that guy shooting like first of all it's the sport so you're wearing lebron shoes too like who's this fucking loser in here but these two girls were very fucking annoying yeah they talked genuinely the entire show but that also amazes me that even if you have never been to a comedy show that you don't have that oh social awareness of what's going on around you to just pay attention to the thing in front of you know what i think it is and i've thought about the

same thing because some people are like you wouldn't do that at like a like like at broadway but it's like you would do it if you were in like watching like listening to live music that's a dancer always says he's like probably doesn't have a two drink minimum. Yeah. But it's also like, they probably go to like clubs that feel like that. And it's just live music. But yeah,

dude, it was fucking sick. It was, he had a bunch of openers, all kill. It was Ryan Shaner. And then it was, I'll make sure I get everybody.

Josh Adams Myers, who fucking kind of blew the roof off. Really? I've heard like mixed things i heard some people say he's a killer and some people not so i'd cinch them it was cool i'm glad to hear that because i like him on podcasts and got in the comedy gym it was literally all crowd work threw in some material with crowd work but he was high energy and he was like he was fucking like saying some shit he's got that great strip club announcer voice too that so he's a

former strip club he talks about it a little bit in like a couple jokes and he like was he's all over the stage he's like running around so that was sick brian six oh and uh oh you've told me about this guy he was fucking hilarious like he was killing up front and then petered off but the entire part the entire time i was laughing oh what the hell is his name mike not mike rainey he's like tall he's got long hair he's like talks like this dude he's like everything talks about tim butterly tim butterly fucking murder dude fucking it's the first time i've brought him up like five times podcast one of my favorite holy shit dude it was so fucking funny amazing he's incredible he did this whole thing well i don't i don't i haven't seen his stand-up enough recently but just everything else i've seen that

like i love that's what i think he's gonna be on what we're going to see in a couple weeks and healing him oh sweet oh that's dude yeah um dude he's just the one i'm not gonna i don't want to burn the material but he does do this whole thing about like being in philly like there's two phrases that you can say with anything where it's like you start a sentence with damn dude he's like you're like saying buddy like damn dude your girlfriend's hot but like doctors talk like that damn dude your fucking grandma's a bad chick and then he said the second thing is everybody just says fucking and then everything just be there dude it was so funny oh and like i said he was crushing up top and then they kind of like it felt like they kind of fell off a little bit the entire time i'm like howling laughing yeah he's so funny he's incredible and then big jay like i said 52 minutes of just like incredible crowd yeah sits on the stool there's no like like i watch and i'm like thinking was he like taking

crowd work into bits or just did crowd work a lot of just crowd that's i mean obviously of course there's like he's probably said it like a million times i love seeing when like i've did stuff i've seen him in i've seen him in person but like stuff i watched him in when he'll like walk someone's crowd work into a bit so that's what i've tried to do so i was like watching him and i'm like all right that's how you do it that's how you do this like but it's just he's fucking just unbelievable yeah genuinely unbelievable like a very underrated all-time great i think oh yeah really he's one of my favorites. I love him. Let me play it. And it's funny that I say that because, Jay, why don't you come on in? Hey, I'm Big Jay.

Wow. What a flawless. All right. Now let's row this boat out of the Big Jay waters into what story you wanted to tell. Was it? It was helium. Yeah. Well, I will say this.

It's kind of funny because of my impersonations. My, my my roommate in college love him shout out kelvin this is he literally would do it would be like yo do your impersonation of donald trump and he'd go yo i am donald trump and he'd be like look at this it's not bad right dude you're fucking knocking it out of the park you just gas him up. I don't know. But that's also his impression for everything. Also, dude, Denzel. No, literally, he'd be like, hello, Denzel. We'd be like, talk like Zach.

And he'd be like, yo, I'm Zach. I'm a pussy. I'm like, dude, Zach, you just got nailed, dude. I thought that was him. I didn't know what just happened. Well, I've kind of studied his tactics and leaned into it. I walked in. I said, wow, what a big pussy. That's his Donald Trump.

I'll put it together. But yeah, dude. So yeah, we went and saw a big old thick J. We had Thanksgiving. What did you do for Thanksgiving? Oh, I had double Thanksgiving. You better fucking gave thanks. I gave so much thanks.

Thank God. People were like, yo, stop giving thanks. Dude, the Arctic Wolf won't stop giving thanks the arctic wolf won't stop giving thanks yeah they're like oh it's getting chilly in here is there a car tick car heart tick wolf in here um i don't know what's happening i had two thanksgivings which is always great i mean i said that like i had my parents divorced parents are divorced mom's thanksgiving was awesome yeah she gave me presents um no i went to my sister's and she does it smart she just orders all the food doesn't cook anything wow really goes from uh

roadie's fireside down in uh how come she doesn't care about taking care of her family because this actually allows her to take care of her family just joshing around so yeah she does it smart like it's already pre-cut like no if you're offended that someone didn't prepare your meal. Yeah, you're an asshole. Yeah. If you're eating a delicious meal. Like now if she got Domino's, I'd be like, come on. Yeah, if you order Thanksgiving food.

But no, she got amazing food. And you're like, yeah, it's delicious food and you're happy because you didn't have to do anything. Dude, literally like I just my dad cooks for Thanksgiving every year and he has to start cooking at 2 p.m on wednesday yeah it's like that shit is hard now thanksgiving is too long and it's too long for too little it's too long for the driest of poultry oh dude you're not you're gonna lose me so i'm a big thanksgiving guy i'll take chicken over turkey any day though not on not on td thanksgiving thanksgiving we did uh during the the true lockdown of the pandemic last year because we had newborn too so we didn't go anywhere we did sushi thanksgiving so fucking good it's kind of cool i give so much thanks to the to the japanese

culture i'll make the exception because we're at a pan diesel but if you ever let that shit happen again dude no i like doing that like it's like uh on uh a christmas story when they fuck up the dinner and then they end up at the asian restaurant look that's a great scene in the movie dude but that was for christmas they didn't go for thanksgiving i like the idea yeah no i was just fast forward oh shit to another holiday the better holiday the holiday that has no specific food assigned to it i uh no i like the starting your own traditions too dude i look look, I hear you. I'm saying this and you have a cut out of a turkey next to you.

Which, now that I'm thinking about it, that's been there for a long time. Way pre-Thanksgiving, right? Dude, early October. Let the man live. His name is Stanley the Man. Is that your only decoration up? No.

Are you doing that? Dude, I got a Wuhan bat. I got a Wuhan bat. And I got my strand of hair balled up into a nice little happy fall sign there. Dude, you're... No, I love decoration. I'm not hating. I love decoration.

Dude, wait until the next time you're here for a podcast. Me and Big Beef are going to have this whole place decorated real nice. Oh, Christmas keys. All Christmas, dude. I got a tree primed for that fucking corner. We got lice that we hang out with scotch tape that's ripping off paint that's going to come out of our security deposit that are actually still there now that i'm looking at them all and uh yeah dude this place gets like a winter wonderland damn i do i remember my first solo apartment it's like college we didn't ever do shit for christmas like

yeah we were like we could buy lights or be you have it? No, like, my first apartment, that was my own. My now wife, we were just dating at the time. Like, she helped decorate it. And I was like, this is awesome. We have a fucking, I have my own decorations now. Yeah. And, like, we've been chasing that dragon ever since. Yeah.

The decorations felt so good. And every year since, we've been like, man, we're already falling short. Is it like you don't, you feel like you should be doing more are they the same or like what is the holdup i don't know i think it was just like that feeling of how cool it was to do it for the first time my own place yeah it's it's like people chasing the high the first time they did heroin yeah they just keep going down the rabbit hole no i mean now it's awesome there's so many more things to be excited with the baby yeah but it's just funny because i that's like i can vividly picture the lighting of it being perfect yeah dude my studio apartment in northeast philly that had concrete walls that's the first time i

decorated that was pretty kind of chalk you just drew wreaths on your wall it kind of looked like what i imagine a child molester would dress their stuff up to be appealing to kids it was just like a thin tree with no ornaments on it and no lights so just a sock nailed to the wall for a stocking like an indiscriminate birch sitting in the corner of my studio apartment i had one stocking discriminant birch is actually the name of our indie project yeah that's actually it's coming out very soon the ep will be released soon uh but uh ep hpv but uh ep episode episode 27 last one but uh yeah so decorations i fuck with them heavy did you just have a glitch i just turned gay now i'm gay

damn matt matt your name's matt matt it's me me me me i'm beast i'm beast but uh yeah dude so but no don't ever fucking dude here's what it is and i hate to i hate to stumble over my words like this in a meaningful moment. If you don't have a regular Thanksgiving – did you have a Thanksgiving this year? What are we talking about, dude? I had two. That's what started us off. I had two Thanksgivings.

Okay, good. Two very great regular Thanksgivings. But I was saying, yeah, my sister, she just ordered the food. It was great. And then we – I never properly plan. And I know we're going to have two Thanksgivings every year because we go to her house, then to my in-laws. Yeah. But I still eat an entirely full meal at the first Thanksgiving.

I love it. Yeah. And then I have to force feed myself at the second one. Yeah. As to not offend them because I don't want them to think like, oh, your cooking sucks. Because my in-laws, all the food there is great too. Like an awesome spread. Yeah. Like my-laws, all the food there is great too. Like, awesome spread. Yeah.

Like, my sister-in-law does like awesome pies. They do the turkey really well. Yeah. But every year I'm force feeding myself

because that's the second stop. You got it, dude. And it's, yeah, and this year I got all excited because I was like, ooh,

I finally have like a pair of joggers that look like dressier pants but elastic waist. Oh, that's huge. It's the perfect loophole. I put them on. I walked out.

My wife was like, so you're just wearing sweatpants? Women can tell. I was like, oh no, they look like pants. Every other guy would be like, damn, John looks mobile, but why is he dressed like that? Just in case there's a karate tournament. Just in case mystery is afoot. Somebody's going to test me. I don't know. My one nephew's getting big, so

you might test me and I might have to take him down. Dude, I'll back you up. I'll show up whenever you need me but uh that was a little yeah so i had two thanksgivings and uh it was great that's sick dude i had two sober thanksgivings too ever that's what when i told everybody i wasn't drinking for the whole month everyone was like but thanksgiving and i was like i i really don't like drinking that much during that most i think now because i know i have to drive multiple places and because I got a little one in the car. Fair. But even before, I was like, I never liked drinking on Thanksgiving.

I kind of, I'm a big, believe it or not, I like drinking on Thanksgiving. Well, yeah, you were drinking at 1 o'clock the last episode. And I kept that bad boy going right into Friday. But I don't know. I don't know if it's just because I'm so used to bouncing around the different ones. If I was stationary, I think I would. Well, that's what it is. I just go to my parents' house.

We start eating at 1 p.m. and then just gorge ourselves. I mean literally it is gorging. Like I'm eating food that I'm like I don't even want this. But I got to get my fucking day's worth of food in. Is there any Thanksgiving foods that you've come around on that you always thought sucked and now they're – because I have some that I'm starting to respect as an adult now. I'm pretty on that you always thought sucked and now they're they're you're because I have something I'm starting to respect as an adult now I'm pretty autistic with it I'm pretty turkey stuffing and maybe like one side okay but I'm gonna can I guess and you can what I what

yours is that you turn my plate or what what I turned around because I'm just looking at you yeah and I can I feel pretty certain I don't think you're gonna get it I feel pretty good about it all right cranberry sauce. No. Wow. I've always been down with cranberry sauce. That is actually what I saw in your eyes when I looked. Okay.

I misinterpreted it, dude. It's stuffing. I never used to eat stuffing when I was little because I was like, wait, so that was inside the bird? No, like while it cooked, they're like, yeah. And I'm like, but it was in the bird. Oh, would you fucking on it push up your glasses and start playing with your calculator i also think most

people's stuffing just sucked the stuffing we had at my sister's house roadies fireside in south jersey yeah their stuffing oh my god so good dude if we have any stuffing could be it's it's a it's a dish that is not uh tried out for different stuff enough. It's usually prepared the same. It's just breadcrumbs and herbs and bread and shit. That's the issue. You could really mix it up with that, and they did. I don't even know what was in it, but it was good.

Youngboy Kev, my big dad Kev. Shout out, Kevironis. That bad boy starts making that stuffing at 8 o'clock in the morning Thanksgiving. Oh, so he goes everything is like handmade he goes into he goes into a fucking local shop right with a shotgun and a trench coat and says give me every fucking loaf of bread in this goddamn bitch they see him coming they're like cabs back they're like jesus christ open up the wonder bread truck he's really just on opiates he's butt naked holding like a fucking squeegee. But yeah, it goes in 30 bread. Dude, 30 loaves deep.

Goes to my cousin's house and he goes, you figure it out. Put it on a pot of broth, onions, celery. What kind of loaf are we talking? Dude, he keeps – well, he's a cost-effective guy. So it's really like shitty brand. It's like Walmart's cardboard bread. No, I'll go strong in a little bit. Just white bread?

Just white bread. Is that what goes into stuffing? That's what Big Kev kev does okay take it out with the belt the boss bread i've grown to really uh respect bread or bread no i've never respected a man named brett you can't that god one of my best friends named brett no sorry no respect for him sorry buddy no dice big dog uh no bread i'm starting to gain because a couple of my friends got into bread in the past couple of years oh making their own into making it no they just got into dealing dude right now we're really into multigrain i got a bread guy i gotta get stops by my house once a week and he opens a briefcase yeah and he's just got like different types of toast in there yeah yeah he's like this

is a pumper nuchal i know you've heard of nickel but this is a new one this is nukel it has a radiation in it pumpkin duke nukel uh this is a carhart brown's middle name yeah but uh but yeah i'm really respecting bread and i'm not enough to make it myself just because that's a good thing about having friends that like making bread yeah yeah they can't eat all of it so they got to give it away you can And they get – because they really like testing out their thing. And when they finally figure it out, they can't be the only one to gauge it. So like they give it to you and then you forget that like they're waiting for feedback. Yeah. And next time they see it, they're like trying to shoehorn it in.

They're like, yeah, kids are good. Kids are good. You know what I mean? Hey, how's that sourdough I dropped off seven months ago, you piece of shit? It's aged now. Like, oh, I thought I was supposed to wait. Oh, crap. You ago, you piece of shit? It's aged now. I'm like, oh, I thought I was supposed to wait. Oh, crap. You want me to eat that shit?

That's mold? Yeah, yeah. I thought you just made green sour, green sour. You know, it goes hand in hand. Doesn't that mean it's blue cheese now? Yeah. What? Ah, blue cheese bread.

Yeah, I've heard of this. Yeah, that's also Carl Brown's little name. But then I'm going to lean into that puppy. Wow, dude, that's crazy. Stuffing rips. gonna lean into that puppy wow dude that's crazy stuffing rips stuffing's incredible thanksgiving was sick i think i had a running total of about like 18 white claws on thanksgiving so that was see if i am gonna drink on a holiday i love and you know i love white claws i respect them for what they are and what they've become i can't drink like those kind of drinks on a holiday it's got to be beer or

a holiday beverage that's what i try to do my first drink was a guinness that's kind of a nice thanksgivingy yeah kind of beer i meant more i mean i'm going like totally girly drinks on this like someone tosses a sangria out there i'll rip apart that um or like christmas i'll rip a nog hard. Yeah, I'll nog up. Hard nog. And I just found out they got almond milk nog. I'm stocking nog. Well, you've lost me, stuffing boy. Listen, stocking nog.

Dude, you stock no nogs. Everybody knows that. Oh, I'm stocking nog. Name one nog you stocked. Stocking nog is actually the sidekick of Carhartt Brown. It's their comic book series. Your hat looks like eggnog. That's the color it is

hell yeah I can't figure it out it's not a cat you trying to tell me I have a nog noggin is that what you're saying noggin dude this is the

greatest podcast episode of all time what was I saying yeah some nog with toss some bullet bourbon which I brought over here that's what I wanted to tell you toss that and some nog

dude you're gonna be really upset with me can I tell you some news news it my sister's husband god rest his soul he's still with us he just needs to take a nap we've been praying he'll take more naps just say god rest he's real sleepy may he rest in peace but uh he was like he's a big bourbon guy

wait yeah side note we shouldn't just be reserving rest in peace for the dead yeah it's pretty shitty i think we should that should be a new goodbye yeah when i leave here from now on like hey man have a great night it's awesome see you rest in peace man that feels like and then i'm gonna leave it feels like it's one of those things this feels like it's like how japanese but you know how like when when different languages are translated to english they sound very weird yeah it feels like that's a japanese perspective literally literally translated rest in the peace i'm gonna i'm that's my new movement i'm taking rest in peace back from the dead so why do they get it you know what you should do when you take you when you take your daughter to the first day of preschool tell like one of our little best friends rest in peace rest in peace daddy loves you rest

in peace i'm going like is that a threat is that guy wearing a full car is that carhartt brown i've heard of him yeah but like why i get too much article um but yeah i'm taking it back rest in peace that's a new salutation. That's fine, dude. Damn good word there. Yeah, dude. You're pretty good at salutations. Because think about it. And you flip it. You could just be like, I hope you're restless.

That could be like a fuck you. Oh, that's good. I hope you sleep poorly tonight. Yeah, rest in peace. That would cut deeper than someone going like, fuck you in a fight. You're like, I hope you get insomnia for a week. But wait, so when you say goodbye to a black dude, you have to say rest in power? Yeah, I want them to have a powerful nap. Well, so when you say goodbye to a black dude, you have to say rest in power? Yeah,

I want them to have a powerful nap. Well, that's like a thing that black people say when somebody passes away. They'll say rest in power instead of rest in peace.

I always like the rest in piss when somebody doesn't like somebody. Ooh, dude, yeah, yeah, I like that.

They're like, oh, Osama bin Laden died. Rest in piss, you bastard. Funny enough, I spent a lot of drunken

nights resting in piss yeah see and that's something else you could say this on rest and piss could be positive you're like hey i hope you make it home safe have a couple beers to your bed and then you pee then you rest and piss but yeah what a what a versatile phrase rest in peace we're taking it back you heard it we're taking it's our word now and it's our it's our it's our r word oh that's what were we talking about before that i don't know who cares at this point dude it's the last episode backtrack we got this decor thanksgiving we do yeah holidays beverages yes oh this is i let you down you let me, look at that. We just jogged our own memories. Yeah, I'll jog. We took the memories for a yog.

Dude, you've jogged 26 miles in a day one time. And 37. You know, who's counting? Or racist or joggist, yeah. That's pretty good. I don't like the way you said it. Say it to the microphone how you just said it and I'll let them judge. Okay.

Josh Adams Meyer. I'll let you do it. But yeah, so he's a big bourbon guy and i was like you know actually like my buddy john like poured me some bourbon the other day and i kind of liked it and it was the same exact one it's a bullet bourbon and like yeah whatever pours it dude i had a hard time with it did you i was all like i wasn't talking shit but i was certainly i was like i was like romper level confident when i was like taking my first couple sips romper confident yeah romp it um romp it romp wait you had oh and then you

just were like i took a sip and i immediately did like they like like kind of looked over and it was the worst time because i'm like i got like the pursed lips and like i'm putting up a little bit and they're like i thought you liked it and i was like nah he told me you gotta let the ice melt a little bit and they're like what the fuck yeah i didn't see i did they told me no they said this guy's this guy's no good i don't give a fuck that guy can suck all of the body he's dead oh true no he's just resting oh yeah we said why don't uh it's a deep nap no i here you know what this would piss off. And this is why I hate stuff like bourbon guy culture and coffee dude culture. They don't ever accept that it's maybe the way I like to do it. This is how this stuff tastes good in my mouth.

Yeah, that's fair. And I hate when people are like, oh, that's – it's the same thing with White Claws. You're like, you're drinking White Claws. You're like, we're all on a train to drunk. Yeah. I'm just on one that's delicious and fun for me. You know what it really is? These people have taken the laziest route of hard work.

All they had to do was acquire a taste and now they feel like they can look down on you. Yeah. Like they never liked bourbon off the bat in most cases. Yeah, and I also hate that it don't make your thing like if if someone says what's your thing to me i'd be like comedy i love comedy i consider myself a comedian i'm a stand-up comic yeah or i'm a dad like something like that don't make your thing be i'm into a liquid and also you don't have a lot of hard stances one of your only hard stances is like, what kind of guy your daughter could date. But other than that,

I don't think you have any really hard dates otherwise. But it sucks because it's, I like a lot of bourbon dudes. Like, the bourbon guy. I like them.

Because there's cool versions. There's cool guys who are like, this is how I like it, man. If you don't like it, it's all good, dude. I mean, there's other guys.

You gotta be Matthew McConaughey about it. I feel like Matthew McConaughey is very like, hey, this is what makes my flag fly in the night. Whatever's going to be your thing, that's your journey. Dude, name a funnier celebrity to transition.

All right, y'all. Oh, no, did I tell the word? No, wait, to transition? Like if he were to transition into a woman? All right, y'all, I'm a woman now. You know what? Sometimes you're on a path that takes you to one way. The other path takes you to womanhood.

Now, I understand that's not a great Matthew McConaughey, but it's exactly what he would say. He would so still keep his name as Matthew. Like he would not pick a woman. Yeah. I'm still Matt. I'm Matthew without a wiener. I'm Matthew with a chotch now, y'all. What do you think?

Check that out. Anyway, Link Incontinental. I'm Matthew with a chotch now, y'all. What do you think? Check that out. Anyway, Link Incontinental. Dude, those commercials were amazing. The ones where it's like just absolute mindless stammering.

Yeah. And it's like an eagle lands on a wing. What is that wing the type of thing that's going to keep this nation moving? Who knows when it's the fourth quarter and you've got nothing but the dirt in your own hand. Sometimes I like to think that it's the car's driving me. Link him. Get in one or whatever their tagline is.

They're the two PAs behind the camera like, what the fuck is he talking about? I don't know. It's kind of good. Do you want to run it back again? Yeah. He's one take McConaughey too.

He's like, that's it. We got it. Can you run it back? He's like, sorry, he's resting in peace. They're like, we weren't even recording and he goes, check the cameras and the cameras were on the whole time and then they look back and i mean he's gone man mcconaughey out yo sorry i think they said he's

trying to run for governor of texas he literally means like sprint he's like look how fast i can i mean listen i honestly thought it was gonna be be a race. I'm sorry, yo. I got really into running shoes. I thought it was me versus the Jenner chick. Yeah. I love it. He's done it, and it's probably fake ruggedness. You know what I mean? But he's done a good job of still presenting himself as like a rugged dude that got through Hollywood.

Yeah. I like that, but it's got to be fake too yeah i wonder if like i imagine he is a ranch hand most days he's working on a ranch that he owns but they don't know that he owns it yeah i feel like that's not really what he's doing he's like a cool ranch and he's just resting in peace in a mansion somewhere he's a cool ranch he's a cool ranch dorito yeah dude i think yeah i think mcconaughey fucking he definitely rips dude big mcconaughey guy yeah why are we got we're just naming dudes we're into welcome to the podcast dudes we'd fuck dude i got a whole bevy list of this dude and i just wanted to talk about the next topic

on hand what do you got little boy i just went to get water out of your fridge and I opened it up. And I could not have prepared myself for how little there is in your fridge. What'd you see? I saw two half-empty two liters of Coke.

A cola. Not the drug. A Brico pizza box, which delicious brick oven uh brick up and pizza with two of the oldest looking slices i've ever seen in there they're like three and then styrofoam that i'm pretty sure there's nothing in either of the styrofoams yeah not a single condiment there's lean in there bro you have the refrigerator of a murderer dude you know we have a refrigerator of a guy who murders poons. It looks like you cleaned fingerprints

out of there. It's so clean. No. Wrong. What's in the freezer? I don't like... You were like, bottoms. Open frozen vegetables that I bought when we first moved in, a half-open Ben and Jerry's, a little bit of tequila. Oh, that's so cute. You don't finish your ice cream.

Well, okay, dude. you don't mean that. And every time I get ice cream, I'm like, you're only doing half. I'm going to do it on the way home from here. I'm like, I'm only doing half of this tonight. And then as I'm licking the fucking pint clean to get my keys to go get more ice cream. I'm like, I'm a piece of shit. Yeah. You're a creamy boy.

I've always said that. I love it. But now dude, look, dude, here's what it is. And you fucking, dude, you guys who live in the 1940s bro doordash is here uber eats is here grubhub is here you know who you know who left shop right wegmans nah wegmans never left my side dude you're nuts bro i love hitting wagons let me ask you this i've never felt better about myself you know what it is the only time i've ever felt better about myself was when I put the puka shell shark tooth necklace on my ankle before we started this podcast. We should have addressed that up top.

If you've noticed that we're being zany boys right now. Don't you feel like we're being kind of zany boys? It's the power of the tooth. Yeah. We're just being a couple zany boys. We're two zany boys. We're just puka shells. I really did put it because i was like feeling

like sluggish and i told you earlier i was like i need the veracity of an aquatic murderer you seem very yeah i need to channel my inner shark and boy did i shark dick wolf yeah he's a true shark dick wolf but yeah dude now my fridge is sick i fucking do door dashed money grow. It looks like it's sick. It looks like it actually is sick. My fridge is bulimic, bro. I keep that bitch bulimic. My shit's always puke out. Not even a single condiment. We used to have ketchup in there back in the day.

Used to. Used to have a loose ketchup back there. I bought it from the next door at the shit ass smoke shop and it literally expired seven days after I bought it. I'm going to start taking all of my stuff that's about to expire and slowly fill your fridge with it. That'd be huge. You're just like, oh, these pickles are from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. How do we get these? Expired in 2016?

This is another thing. Like I said last podcast, I want to give you a toolbox. Yeah, keep dadding me, dude. As your uncle, I feel like I got to buy you guys. Not buy you guys. Do you guys need food donations? Are you okay? That's why there's a box at the front door.

I don't know if you noticed on the way. We are accepting non-perishable donations for one extra minute of stage time at Punchline. But yeah, dude. No. Shut up. No condiments. No condiments. And honestly, at this point, there's so many people on my balls and dick about it that

I'm just doing it at a spite. I just love that that means if you do order a meal from Grubhub or whatever and they don't send you with any accoutrement, the ketchups of the world, the soy sauces. This guy like he can't ask for ketchup and soy. You just have to – no, but I'm saying they don't send it. Yeah. You got nothing. That means you're just powering through meals out of spite. It's very weird to say that.

You're just eating dry sushi out of spite because they forgot your soy soys. I literally had this the other day. I got Chick-fil-A and they didn't give me buffalo, so I just ate a Chick-fil-A sandwich. I have four Chick-fil-A sauces in the bottle in my fridge. Yeah, no. That's next level condiments. That's bullshit. And we never use them.

They're leftover from, by the way, if you want to throw a party, get yourself a Chick-fil-A nugget tray. Oh, yeah. If you want people to talk about your hosting skills, nug them up. Yeah, baby girl. Get them full of nugs. Full of nugs. Nugs and nog. We just came up with our Christmas episode.

We're going to... Nugs and nog. You and I are going to get, the week before Christmas, we're gonna you and i are gonna get the week before christmas we're gonna get shithoused on eggnog and eat some oh you can drink then some filet nugs we'll have to have a drunk pot some fila nugs dude that'd be so we're gonna get dripped out in fila eat the fila nugs chick fila nugs i can feel the calming in the nugs on your sneaker boy searches can you get me a pair of Jerry Stack houses and

I'm just stacked up I'm stacked up Nog to the brim you're the stack on the house baby I am brimming with Nog dude if I had a Stack house you know it would be in my fridge fucking nothing dude I'm sticking to my guns but yeah so anyway my fridge is good

i was expecting to see sneakers in there like i keep some cold i keep these bitches on ice literally on ice yes actually well i mean i just i i can never get past it the money thing has always been lost on me i've done the math no i'm not saying out of the money you told me that you did the math that you spend less on what you get from Grubhub than if you went grocery shopping, which I get it. You said you had a spreadsheet. And, yeah, where were we going with that? Oh, I remembered an old bit for a second. I distracted you.

Yeah, you had a shiny object in the light. We talked about the people with speech impediments, if you have like a rattle in front of them yeah okay what is that doing now okay how does it make that noise what is it is it just the crudest thing i've ever seen what were we saying before oh yeah no i'm not saying it out of that i'm saying it out of the pure you've had to power through meals you didn't enjoy yeah because you didn't have things to zest them up, if you will. That's right. And that's fair. And this is why everyone always makes the joke. They're like, oh, white people don't know how to season their food because of fucking

people like you. Well, the honey grow that I go to is predominantly black employees, so they season it really well for me. How about that? True. And they're all sweet, good people. They start to see me so often they say hello to me and it makes me feel bad that I go there that often.

We're talking four times a week. Most employees should say hello to you regardless of how many times you go there that's not a big deal oh dude i'm so here's my thing and this is like i'll see what you think about this i know we're probably getting okay i'm a huge pussy and if people are mean to me i'll in most cases just be like, damn. As I get older, I'm less like, damn, and more like, I'm going to be mean back. Like to usually strangers. Oh, really? In public.

You're in your angry years. I'm getting Bill Burry. So both of my comedy. I'm a murderer. Ah, boy. So I was going to Honeygrove. As I'm going to walk in, there's a guy behind me, short, fat Italian dude. I fucking cannot stand Italian people.

I really cannot, dude. You can make fun of Italian people. I hate you. Might have to take that out. But he's walking up behind me. He's just smug. You could have said, I hate short people. I hate fat people.

But yeah. And gotten away with it. I really don't like them. All right. No, I'm short people. I hate fat people. But yeah. And gotten away with it. I really don't like them. All right. No, I'm just kidding. No. Some of them suck. Good majority.

They want you to know that they're fucking great. Guess what? Guess what? I'm going to also put this out there. Every nationality sucks. That's actually a great point. Yeah, that's a pretty good point. If you identify first as your nationality, you probably suck. I'm also pretty sure I'm a little Italian, so I can get a little bit in.

And they're always just like, my grandma came off the boat. I just hate anybody that's like, hey, tell me something about you. You're like, 100% Irish. You're like, cool, that tells me literally nothing about you. Oh, that's that cool personality you don't have. Yep. Anyways, I'm walking in. I hold the door.

I'm a door holder. I'll hold the fuck out of a door, dude. Oh, I love holding a good door. I will hold. And you know what I do? I love a spite door. I love a spite door. When someone's hold and you know what I do I love a spite door I love a spite door when someone's wronged you and you're like

let me get this for you wish I could wish I could so I open the door for the young man old man fat idiot and as he walks in

I hold like from a distance and he comes in just looks at me and doesn't say a single word and this is my idea of me being me but I feel good about it I look back and i went okay and then i walked away that's no that's good that's

the perfect level of anger and aggression okay i love doing it where you go to kill him a kindness route where like you open the door you hold it for him it's not acknowledged and you're like oh no no thank you yeah oh that's good and then you're welcome yeah you're welcome but if you really lean into like it you're happy then they're like oh he's just insane yeah you can't be over the top yeah you can't be like oh well that would be a weird thing to do regardless but yeah i've done a couple under my breath you're welcomes and then i sit in my car and i'm like i've got him back we're even now yeah but the best is like you spent the rest of your day thinking about that guy that guy never thought about you ever again he was like that gay guy who said okay to me sucks he he absolutely

won he definitely won by a landslide yeah you're losing sleep over it and he's like i don't even did i go to wawa today he's like i just gotta slick my hair back and have a big fucking nose god that was it dude yeah i also hate uh when you open the door for somebody, but then that just means they get to get in line ahead of you. But I do love and respect if that person goes, oh, hey, man, no, you can go ahead of me. I love declining that respectfully. I say, hey, no, you got it. You're a better man than me. I will go in front of them, open the door, walk in first, but hold it for them behind me.

I'm one of those guys. Okay. Letting somebody out of spite go ahead of you in line like i don't need this you do yes oh it's so good and subtle that yeah twist of the knife like you probably do need to get this sooner you look very go ahead hungry boy yeah you're hungry fatty i can eat at any time i want i could wait to eat the entire day my stomach is just grumbling. He hears it and he's like, is that your tum-tum? Nah.

And he looks at you and he goes, okay. Damn, this guy's good, bro. This guy's pretty good. Doesn't it suck having a brain? It's awful. People who are stupid seem so much happier. Oh, man. It's crazy.

I think we should just get head injuries so we can finally rest in peace. I mean, not with this hat on my head. Taking it back. Take back the night and take back rest in peace. As we do. As you take back rest in peace. This is definitely going to be a bit for me now. But what do you got coming up? Old fatty mats.

Can I tell you something I did that's in Burson? Yeah. Okay. Can I tell you something I did that's in person? Yeah. Okay. I put out a little bit of a thirst comedy post on Facebook. We discussed this last week.

Well, I did a little bit of another one. Dude, I'm getting out of hand, dude. You have a problem. Look, I'm not lying to you. I counted. And this is not to be douchey. Dude, we're going to have an intervention eventually. This is not to be douchey. Look, last November, in November, I've had 15 shows.

I've done 15 shows. December, I have three. So I'm like, damn, I'm going to look like I suck now. It's the holiday season, man. I know. That's what Allie told me. All the greats take their foot off the gas. I throw one of these.

Someone give me a spot this weekend, LOL. End of December, LOL. It's a little dry, LOL. Who cares, LOL. Keep it funny, dude. It's not funny. You think it's hilarious? No. If you say... So it's the funniest thing you've ever heard you can't say lol that many times in

a thing that's the j that's the joke dude no i get it i mean i get it don't don't don't worry i get it dude it's bad i regret it hard afterward also it did not get booked i just love that you still have that thing where you're like i I won't direct message somebody to say, hello, can I do your show? I honestly feel more comfortable doing that than messaging somebody and saying, hey, I'm trying to get away from this because I think I spend more time worrying about the potential outcome of something than just doing it and seeing what the outcome is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this is in life. This is in comedy. This is in parenting.

Like, I'll put something off because I'm like no no i don't want and then you you finally do it and you're like oh wasn't so bad yeah oh the outcome wasn't terrible hey guess what i'm still alive yeah yeah i kind of got to wrap my head around that but i can't get it's a tough concept and i think about it all the time mostly with work yeah i'm a scared little boy yeah so but yeah what are your three dates well i think i don't know so tomorrow i'm going to be doing the roast battle i'll also be calling you around 2 p.m tomorrow that's a real thing i will be calling you so don't work hard at all let's do jokes uh and then i'll be doing that roast and then december 8th i'll be at belfonte brewing company in

william wilmington delaware with the homeboys. It's Rob Stant. Nice. Brian Foster, headliners, Ibrahim Khalif. Very funny. December 11th, I'll be in New York doing a bringer boy. Woo! And something at the end of December. And then January, some fun stuff I have.

I'm going to be in the Poconos with Gary Sharp. Poconos. Rob Stant, Shannonannon harton so it's gonna be a fun one nice and some other stuff but yeah what do you got there big big old big big boy uh i all i have right now is a special sauce out in delco on december 7th um january i will uh i'll be doing uh peggy Sligo show out in media. I'm excited for that one. And I think in January, I have a show up in Coltenac, up in North Jersey, I think.

Hell yeah. Well, if you need more bookings, just put a public status up in there. Yeah. And all the people that look at Matt's status and were like, ew, book me instead. There's probably so many people. Just book me out of spite. Dude, wow. Ooh, I want to get spite bookings now. Yeah, damn.

That's pretty good. Yeah. Monte Comedy on Instagram. Hacks Comedy Goff. dude wow i want to get spite bookings now yeah damn that's pretty good uh yeah monte comedy on instagram hacks comedy goth uh you can find me trying to bring rest in peace back uh matt people's comedy on instagram matt people's comedy on tiktok which i'm gonna start making more of them and uh you're begging for more shows uh ronald reagan enacted a lot of policies that I agree with. And the streak continues. a little bit of cancer